Welcome to the 41st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

General Announcement: we’re trying a new thing where the second Into the A+ Advice Box of each month will be themed. This month’s theme is MAKING ADULT FRIENDS! Please get your questions in by Monday, August 9, 2021! We’ll continue to have a general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, published on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

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Q1:

Hey loves. I want an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut but I have always had a problem with figuring out what would look good on me. I have already looked at allll the pictures to see what I like, plenty looks nice but I can’t tell what would suit me personally. Any tips on how to figure that out? Thank you! ❤️

A:

Kayla: Do you have a hairdresser who you trust? If so, ask them! They know more than the average person about face shape and other things that might play a role in what suits you best. You can also ask friends or other people you trust to tell you the truth. We don’t see our own faces as much as other people do, so other people might be able to help you out! If you don’t have a go-to hairdresser already, I suggest researching/asking around for a queer affirming salon so you can find someone who is going to understand the concept of an alternative lifestyle haircut lol and not try to push you toward something you don’t want.

Ro: I’ve had weird DIY haircuts since my late teens, and something I hear all the time is: “That haircut looks so good on you! I could never pull that off.” I HATE hearing this because it’s just not true. I truly believe that anyone can “pull off” any haircut because any haircut can look “good” on anyone. Most of the time when we’re talking about what looks “good” or “bad” or what “suits” someone, we’re making judgements that are rooted in fucked up, oppressive and just plain boring beauty standards. So I say find a pic of a haircut you like and get that haircut! And if you want to emphasize part of your face that you really like (maybe you want to show off your jaw or your ear piercings), ask a hairdresser about the best way to do that.

Q2:

Hi Autostraddle team!

First, thank you so much for being here. The resources and community you provide are lifesavers, honestly.

So, to my question… Getting my hair cut has been, historically, a really bad experience. I can almost bet on it at this point, because 9 times out of 10, it’s never a good outcome. I go home, cry, and kinda slink into a deep depression for a long time. I’m trying to unpack why this is. Why, for instance, once I get in the barber chair, I feel like my agency just goes out the door. Why I can’t speak up, why I shut down, why it always feels like I’m letting people do things to me that I don’t want. Do y’all have any advice/wisdom to offer here? The responses I have during and after hair cuts are extreme: wayyyyy out of proportion. I’ve tried different stylists/barbers, tried different cuts, do my research beforehand, and show up with inspo photos, and yet… it’s almost the same response every time.

Lots of love to y’all,
Harry No-Style

A:

Kayla: I’m so sorry about your experiences! Hair, as with so many aspects of the body, is such a personal thing! Don’t be hard on yourself for getting emotional about it. I think the best thing you could do for yourself is bring a buddy with you to the hair salon. If you think that sounds silly—I assure you it’s not! I’ve been in situations where I’ve had hairdressers who are kind of pushy and try to talk to me into things I don’t want, and it can feel intimidating or awkward to shut that down. But the times I’ve brought my sister or a friend along, it has helped! If you have a particularly forward friend, see if they’ll come help you advocate for yourself! If you can’t speak up, maybe someone can speak for you, and that’s totally okay! It’s also best to go into a haircut knowing about your past and—instead of ignoring it—address it head-on. With yourself AND with your hairdresser. Maybe even mention to the hairdresser that you feel very particular about your hair at the top of the appointment. As long as you do it in a nice way, you’re not being too difficult by saying “hey, I am kind of particular and have had some bad experiences in the past.” A good hairdresser understands how personal and important a person’s relationship with their hair is.

Ro: I agree with Kayla — please don’t be so hard on yourself! It’s hard to give feedback to someone who’s an expert in their craft, and it’s really hard to disagree with someone who’s holding a pair of scissors close to your head. I love Kayla’s suggestion to bring an assertive friend to the hair salon. And here’s an alternative option: don’t go to a hair salon at all. Chances are you have a friend or acquaintance who knows how to cut hair, and they might be willing to give you a haircut (for a fair price) in your own home. You might find that you’re more comfortable in your own space, and it might be easier to work with someone you know. If you want a simple style, you can also teach yourself to cut your own hair! I got a set of clippers and some haircutting scissors for $20 and have mostly been cutting my own hair for years.

Nicole: Here to agree with Ro. My partner’s been cutting my hair since…2019? We have our own scissors and clippers and it took some trial and error but now she’s really good at doing my hair! Before that, I did have a hair stylist who FINALLY after ages of trying to find someone who could get it right, would actually cut my hair in the way that I wanted it cut! She was awesome. Between stylists, I cut my own hair with mixed results, but at least it was always shaved on the sides as much as I wanted it to be, etc. — so I find that it can be worth it, even if you can’t get as much of a skilled result as you would with a professional, to experiment with cutting your own hair. I am certain there have to be an unlimited amount of tutorials on this on Youtube! I also second all of the advice above about bringing a friend. In a high anxiety situation, it can be really helpful to have an advocate. Lastly, you mentioned above that you do extensive research, so apologies if this is redundant, but I feel like Instagram is a good way to browse local queer / queer-friendly hair stylists and see photos of how peoples’ hair turns out, so you’ll know whether the style you want is like the styles that the person tends to do! I think of hair stylists kind of in the same way as any other artist; the haircut they give you will have their own stamp on it. I personally just like to look at these because they’re fun and maybe you’ll find a new style you want to try!

Q3:

Hey amazing autostraddle team, Y’all gave me some great insight several months ago into reconsidering changing feelings about a long-term friends with benefits situation. I am in a long-term poly relationship that I am very happy in, and have been in a 2+ year friends-with-benefits dynamic with a woman who had been a close friend and has been somewhat difficult to navigate. She has a thing for dating terrible, straight men (some of whom she has described as abusive) and when she dates one, she stops sleeping with me, which hurts more each time it happens (3 times total so far). We talked and I toId her I felt taken for granted and she told me she was tired of me wanting intimacy with her and that I try too hard. After a few weeks of trying to go back to normal, I asked to take a break from us, and she has been respecting that boundary; it’s been about two months of no contact. Part of me wants to be friends with her again, because at one point we were very close, but I’m not sure if and how to go about it. It feels harsh to never be friends again, and I’m having trouble reconciling if my anger and distance from her is because of my own past issues (mom stuff, not great) or her behavior. I end up thinking about her everyday, but at the same time, I feel hurt and I don’t know how to move forward with my dynamic with her. I realize I no longer depend on her friendship, and my life is full of many great people, but I don’t know what to do about her, because not talking doesn’t feel right but I have no idea how to pick any rapport back up with her. Any and all perspectives are very welcome and appreciated. Thank you!

A:

Kayla: I wonder if it might help to try to see if you can try a friendship with new boundaries with her. What if you try just being friends without the benefits? I think taking a break was the right move for both of you. I know you felt taken for granted, but it sounds to me like she didn’t violate any boundaries of your previous arrangement. I know it sucks to see her dating terrible men, but she has a right to make those choices, and if she chooses to not have sex with you when she’s in those relationships, that’s also not a violation of the terms of your relationship/boundaries. It may hurt, but it’s not harm. Taking the break has probably been good for you to get some distance from the situation, but if you find yourself missing her, then I do think it might be worth trying something new entirely. See if you’re able to be friends with her (if that’s something she also wants) without the expectation or even possibility of sex or hooking up. If that ends up feeling good, then great! If it doesn’t, reconfigure. Sometimes people just don’t have a place in our lives anymore, and while it’s important to grieve that loss however you see fit, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Q4:

I’ve been dating someone who’s solo poly for a few months now, and I generally identify as monogamous. She hasn’t really been involved with anyone while we’ve been seeing each other, but I know that won’t last forever and she’s been very clear that solo poly is absolutely what she does want. We’ve talked a LOT about non/monogamy and have broken up many times because of it, but we keep getting back together because… we really like each other.

I’ve decided to give non-monogamy a proper shot, as I never have before. I’m reading Polysecure as well as a few zines.

I feel really secure with this person in so many ways — I know she’s really into me, and she’s a caring, honest, communicative partner — and that makes me feel more open to non-monogamy than I have in the past (e.g. struggling to date people who are already in established relationships with other people). I also feel fine about engaging with solo poly as a framework — I have a lot going on and am looking for someone to love and trust, but not so much than a traditional primary partner structure. I feel fine about her being flirty, going on dates or even making out with other people. But: every time I think about her having sex with someone else, I just want to cry and cry and cry. I had a dream about it happening last night and spent the whole day feeling really upset.

A:

Carolyn: You write that you “have broken up many times” but also that you “feel really secure with this person in so many ways,” and what that type of contradiction says to me is you need to pause with yourself check in on yourself and what you actually want out of a partnership, regardless of who the other person is for now. How do you want to feel in a relationship? If you detach from the outcome of being with this current person for the purposes of this thought experiment alone, how would your situation stack up? (If you don’t even want to think about that when you’re alone in your thoughts, what is that telling you?)

I think it is completely possible and beautiful to explore different relational styles than the one you always assumed you wanted, and – controversially? – I also think it’s fine to do that with a specific person in mind. It’s also fine to remember that practicing poly doesn’t simply erase feelings of jealousy from the body, and that processing feelings like it can be part of growing into a new perspective on what it means to relate to others. But most of all, it’s important to check in with yourself. Just because someone you date is solo poly doesn’t mean you have to also be solo poly. (Also, there are lots of ways to practice poly.) Just because you like each other doesn’t mean you should be in a relationship together. Check in with yourself about what you want your relationships to look like at this time. Does this situation align, or not?

Kayla: Seconding everything Carolyn says, and that first paragraph is especially really important so I hope you’re able to sit with some of the questions raised there! I also agree that the fact that you both really like each other a lot does not necessarily mean you should be together. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of great work in terms of exploring new possibilities and relationship structures. I also think there’s only so far reading will take you. I encourage you to spend as much time looking inward/asking yourself questions as you’re spending reading about poly styles and talking with this other person. It’s possible that you want different things, and there’s no amount of reading or processing that can really change or overcome that. She knows what she wants, and that’s great! Now, what do you want? And are your desires compatible? If not, it doesn’t matter if y’all vibe in other ways—it might just not be a good fit.

Q5:

My activity partner and I have recently started having strap-on anal sex which is very very very fun. But… I wear underwear harnesses (they cause far less dysphoria for me than the strappier harnesses), and they come with built-in stretchy O-rings that are designed for dildos with 1.5 inch diameters or larger. We use a 1-inch diameter dildo for anal sex as that’s the size she feels comfortable with, which means I have less control over it because it’s a little too small for the built-in o-ring and wobbles around a bit.

How can I get more control over the d while still using a small dildo + underwear harnesses? While researching potential solutions, I came across ‘stabiliser inserts’ (https://rodeoh.com/products/stabilizer-insert-brief-panty-biker) but haven’t really read any reviews or heard of positive experiences using them. I have sewn my own harnesses out of my own personal underwear and o-rings before but found that they don’t have much support either, as the fabric is less sturdy than underwear harnesses.

Any advice would be much appreciated, thanks!

A:

Ro: I have a few ideas for you!

First, try a stabilizer. In my experience, they make a difference. If that doesn’t give you enough stability, you might need to try a different underwear harness along with the stabilizer. Brands like RodeOh make their harnesses out of mostly cotton, which can stretch out over time and affect the harness’ ability to hold the dildo close to your body. SpareParts makes underwear harnesses out of nylon and spandex. This material is much more durable (it feels like swimsuit material) and maintains its size over time. SpareParts harnesses are definitely pricier than other brands, but if you have the funds for one, I highly recommend them! Check your local sex toy store to see if they’re on sale.

Another option would be to get a more traditional strappy harness and an appropriately-sized O-ring for your toy. This is probably your most budget-friendly option — there’s a huge variety of strappy harnesses out there, and O-rings are pretty inexpensive. You can wear this harness over your underwear or even over your pants. You can also wear the harness under your pants and let the dildo come out through your fly or over your waistband.

Carolyn: Wearing underwear with a front opening over your harness can also be a way to stabilize, if you don’t want to buy an actual stabilizer (or wait for it to ship).

Q6:

Why do I keep crushing on people who are unavailable or don’t like me back? I have a bad habit of crushing on people who are already in relationships or just want to be friends or who live on the other side of the country. Is it because we feel safer crushing on people who don’t like us back because we don’t want to risk getting hurt? And on the flip side, what do you do when you find yourself only wanting to date someone because finally a person likes you?

A:

Carolyn: Yep, it’s definitely probably because it’s safer to simply project an idea of a relationship or a person or both onto a person who is not available than it is to deal with the real emotional mess of actually getting to know someone – or with the real emotional risk. It seems like you’re self-aware, so that’s great! And on the flip side, to me, only wanting to date someone because they want to date you (and not because you genuinely want to get to know them, explore things together, etc.) says that your sense of self might need a little support. It is totally okay to be into a situation you’re not sure about just because someone else wants you and you want to explore and see where it goes. But healthy relationships require two (or more) people who can be their whole selves, and part of being your whole self means you have the ability to say yes to things you do want and no to things that aren’t right, even if the thing seems right or even if someone else says it feels right to them so why doesn’t it feel right to you? Connect with yourself, possibly try therapy (everyone should always try therapy), and go from there.

Kayla: Fear not—this is a common human affliction! There’s def nothing wrong with you, and I think it’s great that you’re so self aware of the issue. Not only does it feel safer to crush on the unavailable—it’s also more fun. I mean, not in the long run, because over time it sort of feels like a bruise that never quite heals. But in the short term? Whew! It’s your fantasy, so you have all the control! You get to crush on your perfect idealized version of this person without dealing with any of their baggage. You get to have that rush of imagining what could be without any of the risks that come with putting yourself out there. You get to fantasize not only about them but also about yourself, how you might act or seem in this person’s eyes and in an imagined relationship. But again, that’s not ultimately fulfilling. Maybe the next time you find yourself crushing over someone unavailable, you could make a list of what broadly draws you to them other than their unavailability. On the one hand, if you can’t really come up with anything meaningful, it might help you realize the crush isn’t based on much. On the other hand, if you do come up with some things, then you can prioritize looking for those qualities in someone who IS available.

Q7:

Hello! I’ve been in grad school forever and barely tried to date because of time and overwhelm. Now I’ve got the Dr. in front of my name and I’m maybe ready to dive into all that. My difficulty is that I have a TYPE and I’m basically not attracted to anyone else. Besides being limiting of my options, I also worry that my lusty self is not as inclusive as I’d like it to be. Do I need to lower my standards? As a Black fat woman I get so much less interest than others already. I’m sure my taste in Rachel Maddow-looking mostly white folks has internalized racism and lots of other isms mixed in there too. How can I change who I see as hot? Should that be a goal even?

A:

Himani: I’m going to start with your last question and work backwards. In terms of whether changing who you’re attracted to should be something you’re working towards or not — that’s really a personal question for you to reflect on. Setting aside, for a moment, your dating prospects, to what extent does it bother you that you are attracted to mostly white women who are probably mostly thin? (I’m saying “thin” because you give Maddow as an example, but feel free to ignore that last part if it’s not applicable.) To what extent does it bother you that you’re attracted to people who don’t look like you? To what extent do you find that you turn the internalized racism and other -isms that you allude to on yourself in terms of how you see yourself, think about your beauty and your body? Maybe that last question isn’t applicable, and I don’t pose it to imply that that is necessarily happening in your experience, but I think it’s a worthwhile one to reflect on, if you haven’t already.

If you decide you want to try to work on who you’re attracted to, then probably the best and surest way to do that is to make a conscious effort towards consuming media that is more expansive of people of all races, body types, genders, and ability statuses. KaeLyn gave some great advice on this in the DATING A+ Advicebox a few weeks ago (see her response to Q9). But again, I’m not saying this to imply you have to do this work. That is a purely personal choice, and it doesn’t reflect on you as a person if you choose not to go down this road. As KaeLyn says in her response, “Lastly, make a commitment to love yourself, by which I mean that you are allowed to love who you love.” The -isms are ones we’ve all internalized in many ways in our lives and attraction is definitely a big part of that, so I’m not by any means means trying to imply that you are somehow “wrong” or bigoted or anything else by being attracted to who you’re attracted to. The fact that you’re even asking this question is already far, far more engagement than most people do with this topic, to be honest. Whether or not you want to take the additional steps is squarely up to you.

What I do want to push back on in your letter is the notion of “lower my standards.” I’m guessing you didn’t mean it this way, but that language implies that people who don’t look like Rachel Maddow are somehow lesser. I think it’s fine to say, “I’m not attracted to people who don’t look this particular way” or “I want to expand who I’m attracted to” but the notion of “lowering standards” suggests a hierarchy of beauty, rather than looking at beauty and attractiveness as qualities that everyone (truly, everyone) possess and that everyone sees differently in different people.

I (obviously) don’t share your identity, but I can relate to some extent and in my own way to your experience of not garnering a whole lot of interest from other people in the dating game. It sucks — there’s no two ways around that. But that, in and of itself, should not be the reason to work on who you’re attracted to because I think all that’ll happen is that you’ll find yourself “settling” for someone you’re not attracted to, and I just don’t think that’s going to portend well for any kind of future relationship. If you want to do the work of expanding who you’re attracted to in order to work on those internalized -isms — great! If you don’t, that’s fine too! In either case, dating is a hard game that (in my view at least) is almost entirely about luck, so either way all you can do is keep putting yourself out there and meeting more people and hoping that eventually something will mutually click with another person.

Q8:

hello <3

my girlfriend is 34 and grew up in a very heteronormative and capitalist context in which she was expected to (and thought she wanted to) hop on the relationship escalator, have kids, be ‘normal’ and feminine, invest heavily in ‘getting ahead’ workwise (fuck a work/life balance!). You get the picture. The last couple of years she’s found queerness (she’s been gay since day one, but only found alternative models of living and politicising more recently). She’s really excited about the fact that she doesn’t have to live the way her parents taught her was right. But at the same time she’s mourning the loss of the very clear (if suffocating) frameworks of monogamous heterocapitalist nuclear family life. She feels lost. I’m 7 years younger than her, was raised by a hippy and a homo and never rly had to ‘come to terms with’ breaking away from the norm, so I can’t really support her in this. But I figure that most queers come to their queerness after originally being indoctrinated into the norms of society that promise happiness if you just abide by the rules. So my question: what books, films, tv shows, articles etc can I give to my gf so that she can see herself reflected and feel that she’s not the only one to be excited about a queer future but a little sad/overwhelmed by the loss of a lifetime of ‘comforting’ normative structure? Furthermore maybe some of you guys can relate to her and give some general advice /wisdom that I can pass onto her? I love her so much and want to do my best to give her something tangible to hold her hand through this transition.

A:

Kayla: The upside of this is that your girlfriend’s experience is actually way more common than your experience. Your experience sounds great, and I’m super happy for you! But I know a lot more people—including myself—who can relate to your girlfriend. Just because you might not totally relate to her doesn’t mean you can’t be supportive of her experiences. Does she feel like she can talk to you about her experiences? Do you listen in an open and non judgemental way? It’s also possible she might want to talk to people who CAN relate, so hopefully you’re open to her leaning on other people in her life about this. As far as film/tv/books go, I do think a LOT of queer art touches on this tension between becoming your freest, most authentic self and the grief of unlearning/re-examining everything you were raised to believe about yourself, family, relationships, etc. Again, it’s a pretty common narrative. Coming out and embracing queerness is a complicated, nonlinear path for a lot of folks. Queer imagination is liberating but also scary. It’s great that you want your girlfriend to feel less alone, and tangible things like books and TV are great, but it also just sounds like something your girlfriend might need to work on on her own. Show up for her by listening and having empathy, even if you can’t totally relate. Encourage her to seek out people with similar experiences. Community can help so much with these feelings.

Q9:

Coping with rejection is so hard! Even if I feel confident going into a situation, if it doesn’t work out, I struggle a lot with thoughts like “Obviously that person is way hotter than me, would never be interested in me, and I shouldn’t have tried.” Do you have any advice for this?

A:

Carolyn: I love thinking about rejection like it’s a life hack. Maybe you would have spent a lot of time on an unfulfilling situation, or not knowing how something stood, but you got rejected and now you’re free to move on to a situation that can give you what you want. How cool is that?

Ro: So many of us get stuck on the idea that rejection means we’re not “good enough” for the person we want to date or the friendship we want to explore, but we forget that “good” is relative. Most of the time, current or potential friends and partners reject us because of a difference in needs or values, and like Carolyn said, that’s a good thing. When you’re stuck in a relationship or friendship with someone whose needs and values strongly differ from your own, you’re forced to compromise constantly, and that’s hard! It’s a good thing when people are upfront and honest about their needs — it gives you an opportunity to find friendships and relationships that are more aligned.

Kayla: Rejection can be rooted in so many variables that it’s hardly worth the time to unpack. That said, it can hurt! I say let yourself feel bad about it for a little bit and then do some of the reframing exercises Carolyn and Ro mentioned in order to move forward. Fighting feelings is rarely productive, but stewing in them isn’t great either. So acknowledge the feelings then reframe: Realize that rejection is indeed better than ending up in a relationship with someone you’re incompatible with. Have there been times when someone was interested in you but you did not return the feelings? Then you too have technically rejected someone, so maybe remind yourself that it’s something that just happens and usually isn’t as simple as someone not being “hot enough” etc. Everyone can’t be attracted to everyone.

Q10:

Hi all. This question has a TW/content warning for weight loss, dieting, fatphobia

Hi all. I try hard to be body positive but I’m feeling really uncomfortable with my body lately. Without getting into specific/numbers, I’ve realized my “normal” size is feeling uncomfortably tight, and I’m thinking of sizing up. This isn’t a big deal logically but my usual route would just be to focus on weight loss to fit into the stuff I have. This time in my life, I want to be gentler with myself and just not stress about calorie counting or etc, but every time something feels too tight, I doubt myself and face thoughts of feeling/being unhealthy, lazy, etc. I’ve always been about the same size/body type, and growing up, my mom was really critical and relentless and anti-fat in general, so I know some of it is still her voice in my head.

I guess any advice would be appreciated!!

A:

Ro: First, I hope you’re feeling incredibly proud of yourself for starting this journey! Unlearning fatphobia and diet culture can be incredibly difficult, especially when those values played a major role in how you were raised. But unlearning these things IS possible — it just takes time.

My body shape and size changed several years ago when I recovered from an eating disorder. I had a difficult time buying larger clothing sizes, and for a while, I continued wearing clothing that was too small, which put me in a state of constant physical discomfort. That only made my body image struggles worse (plus, it hurts to sit down in pants that are too tight!). Once I bought appropriately-sized clothes, I kept some of my smaller clothes. I thought of them as my “maybe someday” clothes, as in “maybe someday I’ll wear this size again.” But by keeping those clothes around, I was putting pressure on myself to be that size again (Why? Because my mindset was still shaped by the fatphobia that my family and culture taught me!), and the only way I could be that size and maintain it was to maintain my eating disorder. I had to do a LOT of therapy and reading in order to stop viewing my old clothing size as “better” than my new size, but eventually, my mindset changed. Donating those smaller clothes that were looming in my closet and buying clothes that actually fit me was probably the most important choice I made in recovery. I’ve now been fully recovered for several years and live in a state of total food freedom and body acceptance.

In addition to getting rid of my old clothes and buying better-fitting clothes, here are some other things that helped me unlearn fatphobia:

-I let myself get angry. I read about how racism, misogyny, ableism and capitalism create and perpetuate fatphobia and decided that the best way to say “fuck you” to all of those systems was to figure out how to stop placing a value on my body size.
-I read about and practiced body neutrality.
-I recognized my thin privilege and learned about how that privilege affects my daily life.
-I read work by incredible writers like Virgie Tovar and Roxane Gay.
-I found a therapist who worked within a “Health At Every Size (HAES)” framework.
-I focused on how my body felt instead of how it looked.
-I quit my gym, where people mostly seemed to be working out for aesthetic reasons, and started engaging in physical activity that focused on the activity itself rather than the physical outcome (like rock climbing, riding my bike with friends and hiking).
-I started calling out fatphobia and diet culture whenever it came up in conversations with strangers, friends and family members.
-I studied science and learned that fluctuations in body size are EXTREMELY NORMAL. I learned that even if I were to consume the exact same amount of food and exercise the exact same amount every day, my metabolism changes, my hormones change, the amount of water I retain changes, etc. I learned that expecting my body size to remain stagnant went against everything I knew about human physiology.
-I found ways to help other people who were struggling with their body image. Now I regularly offer support to friends and volunteer weekly as a mentor for people who are recovering from eating disorders.

I hope that some or all of these practices help you feel more at home in your body.

Q11:

Any style suggestions for someone who is sick of button downs? I have bad skin, so I’m uncomfortable wearing anything sleeveless or with a low neckline. I’m fine in a t-shirt and jeans most days, but I never know what to put on for slightly dressier occasions. Like a date, for example. Help?

A:

Ro: I don’t wear button-downs often because I don’t like feeling too “dressed up” and I prefer to wear softer, stretchier clothes. Of course, there are definitely situations (like dates!) when I’d like to look a little fancier, and that’s when I put on a T-shirt or tank and employ one of my many, many jackets. I have a pleather jacket, a blue denim jacket, a black denim jacket, a very lightweight bomber jacket, a heavy blazer, a lightweight blazer…I could go on. Any of those options can make my outfit look a little more interesting. Plus, they offer the added benefit of extra pockets.

Kayla: With the right styling, a t-shirt can absolutely be dressed up for something like a date. I love Ro’s jacket suggestion. A plain white tee with black jeans, a nice belt, and black boots or white sneakers is a super clean look that’s comfy but still dressy enough for a date, especially if you pair it with accessories like rings, a watch, or a simple chain necklace. Maybe check out the Find Your Fit archives for some styling tips—there are a lot of great comfy-but-still-stylish looks in there!

Q12:

I grew up in a really traumatic, unstable environment, and for whatever reason, my parent was super critical about things I liked (TV shows, friends, etc) and I’m only recently accepting how much insecurity and shame I’ve carried when it comes to sharing my interests with others or even myself.

My (weird I know) question: Does anyone have any tips on leaning into your joys/self-soothing activities/chill time without feeling guilty or embarrassed? I *wish* could just rewatch a comfort show or something, but it feels so unnatural to me to let myself enjoy things.

A:

Ro: I’m on this journey with you! When I was growing up, I was incessantly “teased” by friends and family over some of the hobbies and media I enjoyed. Now that I’m in my 30s, I’ve been making deliberate choices to lean into and celebrate the things I like. Here’s how I feel ok with it: I imagine that I’m engaging in certain hobbies and media for my childhood self. I’ll think, “Twelve-year-old Ro would be super stoked to watch this movie!” or “Sixteen-year-old Ro would have been all about this album!” That, along with finding peers who have similar interests, has helped me fully embrace all of the weird and wonderful things I’m into.

Kayla: I also have experienced various versions of this, and I know how difficult/frustrating it can be! It’s honestly part of my origin story for becoming a TV critic lol. I took an extreme approach to seizing agency over my own interests and made it my actual job to say “I like this piece of art and here’s why” lol. I still sometimes feel insecure though! I’ve made it a point in life to never sincerely use the term “guilty pleasure.” It’s a bad phrase we should all do away with! Obviously, I’m not going to tell you to become a TV critic, but finding a creative outlet to deeply engage with your interests can totally help. Basically, combat the feelings of insecurity by leaning wayyyyyy into the things you like. Like a show a lot? Read reviews/recaps/fan theories about it! All shows have devoted fans! Connect with them online. Make new friends with similar interests! Enter spaces where you feel super affirmed for the things you like. The first time I went to Comic-Con was an intensely emotional experience for me—in the best way. I think by leaning in, you’ll be able to chip away at some of those insecurities.

Q13:

Hi! I have a queer hair dilemma and I don’t know where else to turn and frankly there are no other opinions I would trust on the matter. So I recently cut my waist length hair all the way off and it is glorious! BUT I have yet to find the right styling product. I know there is a pandemic on and all, but to quote Fleabag “hair is everything, Antony” and honestly is probably more integral to queers and queer life than for anyone else.

My hair is caucasian and thick and I am looking for something which gives a really good matte hold. I guess my cut is like Megan Rapinoe with Rachel Maddow’s volume. (Actually do we know what they use?)
Any tips for good product y’all have would be greatly appreciated. Could this be a good topic for an article series? Like “how to style all sort of hair”?

Thanks! This is my first time using my A+ perks and having this as my first question feels very right to me. Hope you all stay safe and well <3

A:

Kayla: Something I learned recently after moving to a new climate and having to essentially change all of my hair/skin products is that you can do all the research in the world but sometimes finding the right product for YOU really comes down to trial and error. There are so many things to consider when looking at hair products. But the good news is that most brands offer sample/mini sizes of their products! Sometimes, I’ll try those out before committing to a full size product. So you’re looking for something with a matte hold. A wax or clay sculpting product is probably gonna be what you want over a gel. I would hop on Sephora or Ulta and search for “matte hold mini” or “matte hold travel size” and browse those products. It’s also usually pretty easy to unlock coupons at those stores to get free samples. Try out some drugstore brands too, like Bed Head, which is available in small sizes as well.

Q14:

Where does one find queer people in Boston? Especially the queer female/non-binary community? I feel like so much is oriented towards queer youth, but I’m 28 and I just want to find my people!

A:

Ro: I’ve never lived in Boston, but I have lots of queer women and trans folks in my life who have lived there. Many of them are big fans of Queeroke, a queer karaoke event at the Midway Cafe. According to their social media, Queeroke is currently on hiatus due to the pandemic, but they plan to resume weekly events soon.

If you use Facebook, I highly recommend joining your city’s queer exchange group (it looks like Boston has one!). This is a place where the local queer community can buy and sell goods and share information about events and services. I’ve met lots of friends through my city’s queer exchange.

Something I love about the east coast is how close everything is to each other. If you don’t find events or people that you like in your immediate community, there are likely fun queer events just a short drive or train ride away. Maybe some Bostonian Autostraddle readers will offer more suggestions in the comments!

Nicole: My understanding is that the unofficial northeast A+ discord server is pretty active and sometimes has meetups. A+ Bostonians is this true? If the server is open to invites would you be open to dropping a link in the comments?

Q15:

Hi!! Previously I asked advice about casual dating but I’m having this feeling that maybe I’m just not built for it. I’ve only seen 2 people. One I don’t talk to anymore after we hooked up and she “said” we could still be friends but obviously she didn’t mean that. I’m currently dating a cute NB person and we’ve been on 3 dates so far, which is a lot for me, I’m a serial first dater lol. A side issue I’m having is that when kiss them, I feel …nothing? Idk if that’s the right word but I don’t feel…that rush of feelings ya know? We’ve had some physical chemistry on our first date but ..idk. they’re cute but I wonder if that feelings or “spark” I’m looking for is a myth or something. I really like talking to them and I am attracted to them but…idk.

Anyway, my MAIN issue is that I’m monogamous af. Idk how to turn it off. I WANT to date around and experience a lot of people but I also have this compulsive habit of just sticking to one person, even if it’s the beginning stages. Coordinating more than one person is mentally exhausting. And this is on top of being a hopeless romantic, being a Taurus Venus, and really craving that slow love. I’m Jane from The Bold Type all day every day. I want to have fun dating but dating casually just doesn’t come naturally. Is there a middle ground or a fun way to date while finding a serious girlfriend? I’m so lost.

A:

Carolyn: One approach you could try is thinking of first dates not as a certain social narrative positions them – romance, intrigue, rushes of strong feelings for total strangers in awkward social encounters – but as a way to spend 45 minutes to 90 minutes with someone new to discover whether or not you want to spend a subsequent 45 to 90 minutes together. Going on a first date doesn’t mean that now that person is your person until otherwise stated. It’s more like a job interview. You don’t usually find out about whether you got the job and whether you want to take it during your first interview – you have to get to know each other, learn more, (since you’re monogamous) discuss the non-compete, whatever. It’s a process.

It’s okay to not experience a rush of oxytocin and dopamine from kissing someone you barely know, and to think they’re cute and to like talking to them and to want to see where it goes.

AND it’s also okay to find the idea of dating lots of people exhausting, and to therefore have dates with one person at a time, respectfully ending situations that don’t feel right, until you meet someone with whom you want to explore more deeply. What would it be like to release your narratives about how dating should go, and focus instead on how you want it to go?

Kayla: Art and pop culture oversell the idea of that “spark” feeling—and so do people! Maybe you’ve heard friends talking about that special feeling. Maybe you’ve seen it in a million movies. Maybe you’ve felt it with some people before but not with others. In reality, it’s not a perfect formula. Sometimes, we kiss someone once and feel a rush of excitement and then never feel it again with them. You can be attracted to someone and not feel an emotional connection to them just like you can feel an emotional connection with someone and not be attracted to them. It’s okay to continue to casually see someone if you haven’t totally figured out how you feel about them. Sometimes, we feel instant connections with people, and sometimes those connections develop over time. It doesn’t all have to feel perfectly right in the beginning. So long as you’re enjoying yourself, that’s all that really matters! Think less about hypotheticals and the future and spend more time in the moment while dating.

Q16:

Ah yes, hello, an advice box.

So, um. For a variety of reasons, it’s only been recently-ish that my brain has decided I am, in fact, not only allowed to have a sexual orientation, but am allowed to actually explore my libido and enjoy sex and arousal. I’ve now had years of treatment for my sex-focused OCD that plagued my teenage years, finished a pretty successful set of sessions with a physical therapist for vaginismus. Which, on the one hand, is great, even if it’s coming a little late (I’m in my mid-20s, for reference).

On the other hand, I feel like my brain is continuously trying to make up rules of how I’m *allowed* to feel arousal. Which is annoying, partially because I feel like I should have fixed this by now.

But instead it feels like I just emotionally replaced “you are aroused by something other than vanilla heterosexual missionary penetration with a longterm boyfriend?? You are feeling sex wrong! Bad!” with admittedly broader, but still fairly arbitrary, rules about stuff like BDSM.

(“You like some forms of pain but not all of them, so you are doing masochism wrong. Bad!” and “You only like Weird power dynamic role play like vampires instead of Normal role play based on Real Situations. Bad!” come to mind as arbitrary rules my brain makes up)

So I guess the question is: a. do people have advice on how to get my brain to shut up, and b. are there resources on things like BDSM that go more into detail on the diversity of experience? Google has a tendency to bring up the shallowest possible answers to sex questions.

A:

Kayla: I think it’s great that you’ve worked on so many things and are seeking out new experiences! Something you wrote really stood out to me: “I feel like I should have fixed this by now.” What if you maybe stop thinking of this as a problem to be fixed? I think this might be a slight self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that you keep falling back on this idea that you’re the problem or that you’re doing something the wrong way, which then makes you default back to these arbitrary rules/feelings of doing things the wrong way when it comes to sex. Just like you’re not doing sex/kink the “wrong” way, you’re not working on yourself the “wrong” way. It’s not a straight path toward healing. And you are not the problem. Maybe it will help to name the real problems, like the patriarchy or internalized messages about sex. Just because you’ve unlearned heteronormativity when it comes to sex doesn’t mean you are automatically expected to have everything figured out when it comes to kink and roleplay. I really think you should be patient with yourself and understand that you might have to do multiple rounds/levels of unlearning. Practice mindfulness. I love this roadmap to finding your authentic sexual self by Christina Tesoro. Also, have you ever looked into queer-centric BDSM coaching? That might help you find some answers about BDSM in a space that feels safe and specific to you.

Q17:

I’m looking for safe sex information for a 16 year old queer nonbinary person. I looked on Scarleteen and I did not find it helpful. Listing every possible STI that anyone has ever possibly gotten in the history of time for a particular activity is not particularly helpful in assessing risk. Also, anybody who talks about dental dams as though they are a thing that real live humans actually use clearly does not know what they are talking about.

Do you have any suggestions for very clear and direct safe sex advice for queer sex for a newbie teenager? I’m thinking about something that would list activities, give realistic ideas about what risks they pose, and then talk possible mitigations. This person has the anatomical ability to get pregnant, so we need to think about that as well as STIs. They seem to mostly be interested in girls. Seems like autostraddle might have suggestions!

A:

Ro: Hi! I’m a real live human who has been having queer sex for fifteen years, and I’ve been using dental dams at various points throught my entire sexually active life. I understand that dental dams aren’t part of everyone’s safer sex practices, but when I was having sex with multiple partners, they were the best way to show respect for their health and safety as well as my own. Using dental dams was especially critical when I was a teen who didn’t have access to a car and couldn’t get tested for STIs without asking my parents for a ride (and, consequently, talking to them about my sex life, which I really didn’t want to do). Thankfully, I’d picked up a bunch of free dental dams when I visited an LGBTQ+ community center in a major city, and I’m really grateful I had them during those years.

And dental dams aren’t just for safer sex — they can be helpful for folks who very sensitive clits and feel more comfortable receiving oral sex through a barrier. They’re also great for people who are getting comfortable with rimming and aren’t ready to have their tongue all the way up in their partner’s ass. They also allow folks to practice safer sex with partners who live with a chronic STD like herpes.
 
Dismissing a helpful tool like dental dams can be really harmful, and I hope you’ll make sure that the teen in your life has access to dental dams if they want them and understands how and why people use them. While many STIs/STDs are easily treated and aren’t a big deal, some of them carry major health consequences that a teen (or an adult) might not be fully equipped to handle. It’s important for teens to access information about these risks along with information about pregnancy prevention and consent.

Here’s an Autostraddle article about dental dams and here’s another about a dental dam alternative.

If you’re looking for inclusive, teen-friendly information that covers safer sex as well as pleasure and technique, I highly recommend the book Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon, which focuses on pleasure and sexual health for queer women and trans folks.

Q18:

Hey y’all! Very boring question but one which I’ve been struggling with for a while, so any thoughts or advice would be super welcome. I’m 25, have known I was gay since I was a little kid but for various reasons never came out to anybody in my life until I was 21, and didn’t start dating properly until I was 22. I’ve been on a handful of dates with a handful of people, but have never had sex or a relationship, and while I’m kind of OK with this (I know rationally that I’m gonna be a bit of a ‘late starter’ compared to friends who’ve been dating since high school), I would like it to happen, and it also worries me that it will scare off potential partners if I tell them about my lack of experience. I ALSO know rationally that someone scared off by that probably wouldn’t be right for me either way, but alas that knowledge doesn’t stop the worrying! Any tips on how to stop getting so in my head about this?

A:

Kayla: You’re not alone, and I can empirically prove it, because we get this question a lot! It’s not a boring question at all. It’s important to address insecurities head-on, and I applaud you for doing so. Check out the answers to question #1 in this previous A+ Advice Box. Some of this previous You Need Help might also be worth a read (though it’s mostly just about sex and not the relationships part). Ultimately: You get to decide when and how to tell someone about your relationship history or lack thereof. If you want to talk about it, you can. If you don’t, you don’t have to. Here’s something to keep in mind: Your friends who have been dating since high school? It’s possible they don’t have stuff figured out anymore than you do. I did not date or have sex in high school, and I’m no better or worse off for it. I have some friends who did date in high school, and they’re also no better or worse off for it! Just because someone has dating experience does not mean they’re a fountain of knowledge and healthy relationship practices. Some of the people who have been the most hurtful to me in relationships had TONS of dating and sex experience. Everyone you date/sleep with is going to be different, so in a way, we’re all always learning how to date/have sex.

Ro: Kayla is right — we get questions like this in our A+ advice box all the time, so you’re definitely not alone! First, I’ll address the sex part:

Lacking sexual experience isn’t as a big of a deal as you might think. Any time anyone is having sex with a new person, we’re learning what that person likes, we’re learning how their body works and we’re learning how our bodies work together. This is especially true for queer sex, which usually isn’t attached to a particular cultural script. You don’t have to tell new partners that you’ve never had sex if you don’t want to. If you’d feel more comfortable sharing that about yourself, go for it, but don’t dwell on it (and steer clear of anyone who uses that information to belittle or control you).

In my experience, entering into a relationship without prior relationship experience is a little different. We gain a lot of knowledge from previous relationships about our expectations and our needs. We learn what works for us and what doesn’t. We understand how to identify red flags. Since you haven’t been in a relationship before, you’re probably going to face a learning curve. But this doesn’t mean that you have zero relationship skills. Presumably, you’ve maintained friendships over the years and have practice communicating with family members. You can bring those skills to a romantic relationship! That said, you’ll most likely face some unique challenges in romantic relationships. Disclosing your previous relationship experience and learning about your partner’s previous relationship experience can be really helpful, and I encourage you to talk about that with potential partners if you feel comfortable doing so.

Q19:

do you think my distaste for earrings and nail polish is a sign of gender dysphoria? does it matter if it’s on everyone, not just me? (for example the “painting my nails” emoji annoys me)

A:

Carolyn: If it’s on everyone, it sounds like it could be internalized femmephobia to me, tbh! Spend some time sitting with and journaling about the feelings you have around earrings and nail polish. What associations do you have with them? What do you interpret them as saying about someone wearing them? How can you break down your distaste?

Kayla: I agree with Carolyn in thinking that—because it isn’t a situation where you just don’t like it for yourself but rather dislike it on EVERYONE/even in the context of an emoji—this could be internalized femmephobia. Do you judge others for it? Does it lead to you making assumptions about them? How/why do the personal choices of other people impact you? Those might be difficult questions to sit with, but I think it’s important to try to answer them. It’s totally fine if you never want to paint your nails or use the painting nails emoji, but externalizing that as feeling annoyed when others do it could lead to larger issues like hurting someone else’s feelings or misjudging someone for something that makes them feel good.

Q20:

i recently matched with someone on a dating app and we really hit it off! it turns out this person works at my workplace, but we’ve never met before and also work in completely separate programs so it’s not likely that our work paths would cross. i’m in a supervisory position at my job and am obviously not their supervisor but am in a higher-up position than they are. it’s cool if we date, right?!

A:

Himani: Check your company’s HR policy on workplace relationships. It should lay out the rules around relationships and which ones need to be reported to HR (which I know is a dicey prospect if the relationship is not a straight-passing relationship). I am inclined to say that if you’re in different parts of the organization and your paths don’t cross at work at all then it should be fine, but your organization’s HR policy will be the legal word on this.

The details of your organization and your role matter, too. You mention that you are in completely separate programs, but some of this is also about workplace structure. I once worked at an organization where all the managers across divisions would get together at the end of the year to discuss reviews, raises and promotions for the lower level staff. If that’s how things work in your organization then you could foreseeably be involved in a conversation about the professional trajectory of the person you are dating, and that feels ethically murky to me (and, again, check the HR policy). The other thing to consider is if, in your higher-up position, you are making and / or strongly influencing decisions for the organization that would affect the work of the person you are dating. This would not only be a conflict of interest at work but also makes the relationship itself questionable to me because you and the person you are dating are not on equal footing and so if, for instance, they wanted to break up with you, they might be apprehensive about it or feel like they can’t because it could indirectly affect their work or their team.

Carolyn: As someone who has previously dated someone who was sort of my boss during the first part of our relationship, I both think that it’s fine and that all of Himani’s advice is spot on. (Was there a power dynamic? Yes. Did I eroticize the hell out of it? Also yes.) Another thing to consider could be how long you plan to stay at your job – if you’re considering positions elsewhere, the imbalances might be more manageable than if you plan to remain long-term.

Q21:

Hello AS Team! I love the website and the work you all do for the community.

I come to you today with a romantic question… Over the last few months I’ve been getting to know someone over the internet, first as a friend of a friend, then as an actual friend. I have a big stupid crush on them and based on their behavior I’m pretty sure they like me too. I was resigned to not do anything about it because they have a partner of 3 years and i don’t wanna be a homewrecker… But now they’ve broken up!!! Based on bits of info I gleaned from them and my other friends, it seems like they had been having relationship troubles for several months, but I wasn’t expecting them to break up now.

My question is: how long should I wait to shoot my shot? i don’t just wanna be a one-off rebound for them, i like them a lot and am looking for something long-term.

Also, am I being two-faced if I offer them emotional support in the wake of this breakup without being upfront about my own feelings for them? I’m dying on a cross in hell about this so any advice you could offer would be appreciated!!!

Signed, A Distressed Lesbian

A:

Kayla: Oof, I think this is a tricky situation. On the one hand, there’s not really a set rule for a timeframe on when to shoot your shot. On the other hand, it’s kind of up to them. Which I know is a catch 22. You can’t really know if they’re ready for/open to you making a move…until you make a move…and you probably shouldn’t make a move until you know if they’re ready for/open to you making a move! Frustrating, I know! I have to admit that based on my own experiences, it does seem a little dicey to support them through this breakup when you also have these feelings for them and are rather overtly happy about the breakup. I’ve been in situations before where the boundaries got a little blurry between my support system and, well, sexual partners. I think you have to decide if you’re going to show up for them as a friend or shoot your shot. I think it’s too messy to try both. If you decide to show up for them as a friend, you have to understand that they don’t owe you anything more than friendship. If you decide to shoot your shot, you have to understand that they still don’t owe you anything more than friendship if they don’t want more than that right now! That could change. If you express your interest in dating them, they could say no, and then they could change their mind later on. But they also might not! You kind of have to approach the situation the way you would ANY dating scenario by keeping realistic expectations. Just because you’re looking for something long-term doesn’t mean someone else is.

Q22:

My long-term gf recently got an ADHD diagnosis (that she feels is accurate). Executive functioning and time management (in her and her psychiatrist’s opinion) are her biggest symptoms. Any tips on how I can be supportive?

A:

Ro: There’s no universal way to support someone with ADHD (or any diagnosis). Ask your girlfriend what she needs before offering support. Otherwise, you risk making an incorrect assumption and overstepping. And remember that this will be a process. Since this is a new diagnosis for your girlfriend, she’ll probably need some time to figure out what she might need to readjust in her life and what (if anything) she needs from you and her other loved ones.

Kayla: Yeah, like Ro said, the only person who can tell you how to be supportive is your girlfriend, because different people have different needs/wants/expectations pertaining to their mental health. Ask her what she wants and be an open, empathetic listener. Also be understanding if she needs to lean on people other than you for support. It’s great that you want to be supportive, but we can’t be our partner’s ENTIRE support system. And I can’t tell you what your girlfriend needs or wants. You have to ask her and give her agency when you do so (don’t center yourself).

Q23:

How do you decorate a space that is temporary? I couldn’t stay in an apartment more than a year it seemed, and I’m discouraged from putting wall art up. Even the strongest Command strips fell down in my newest place. What do you do to spruce it up?

A:

Carolyn: Personally I love tall plants, art and mirrors on the floor leaning against the wall, and color-changing LED light bulbs as ways to make spaces feel decorated and like mine even if I don’t want to put holes in the walls.

Meg: My biggest hack for rental spaces is lighting! Even a cheap set of lamps from IKEA or Target can completely change the mood of the space, and keep you from having to rely on the often gross or unattractive builder grade ceiling lamps that most rentals use. Carolyn’s suggestion of colored light bulbs is also a great one, particularly if you like to change up the temperature of your lights throughout the day. If you’re struggling to get your wall art to stay, try switching out the frames for lightweight mats (and I always recommend the large picture strips with the grippy bits, even for small pictures – they just work better!). Lastly, having things that you love that you can bring with you from space to space can be a really nice way to feel at home even when you’re moving in somewhere new. A soft throw blanket, a favorite candle, photos of friends or family, a plant you’ve kept alive all this time, a record player, a vase that you keep flowers in – all of these things are fairly easy to transport and set up, but they can go a long way towards making a rental space feel like yours.

Kayla: I’m seconding all of the above suggestions and also once again hopping up on my “old school” picture frame soapbox! I’m talking plain ol’ tabletop frames, like these, featuring printed pictures of you, your loved ones, your pet, whatever! People (other than photographers) so rarely get photos printed! And you don’t have to hang them on a wall to make a space feel cozy and lived-in. I’ve also gotten creative with Polaroid pictures in past rental apartments where I couldn’t put serious holes in the wall. I used string and clothespins to hang Polaroids using thumbtacks (requires walls that are easy to puncture and leaves really, really small holes behind, so it might not be an option for you). I also second the lighting ideas above and love the fake neon lightup shapes you can get at like Target and Urban Outfitters (my tastes are a little kitschy though, so that might not be your thing!).

Q24:

Can anyone (Vanessa??) give me advice on what to do when your selfies/hot pics/sultry posts etc don’t get a lot of traction? Social media is a lie, etc, but… I feel weirdly embarrassed and compare myself to others whose posts I see blow up with affirmations. The simplest solution is to just not post, so is that what I should do? I’m pretty confident in my appearance but this response (or lackthereof) makes me doubt myself.

A:

Kayla: I am not Vanessa! But I hope I can offer a little bit here, because I too admittedly fall into the social media trap of over-investing in engagement, seeking validation, and comparing myself to others! It’s all very yikes but also something that’s hard to turn off completely! It’s good that you already know social media is a lie and that you’re confident! The thing about social media is that…it’s based on algorithms. Again, you probably already know that. But yeah, engagement has little to do with whether people are actually into a picture and more to do with whether they even get a chance to see it. Especially on Instagram, certain posts get boosted in people’s feed more often. What if you found some alternative models of seeking validation that are not impacted by something as arbitrary and capitalist as an algorithm? Do you have close friends or a group chat where you can send selfies and receive compliments? Could you do that for a little bit? Or if you do want to still seek that validation online (which for the record I do think is fine! I just think it can be hard bc of the goddamn algorithm!), do you have friends who you could ask to help hype you? I don’t think you have to feel embarrassed or shy to do that. People who care about you will give you that boost. I have a friend who texts me to ask me to like/comment on his tiktoks so they don’t flop, and I don’t even hesitate about it! I know he would do the same for me. I guess what a lot of this comes down to is consistently reminding yourself that low engagement has way less to do with you and your desirability and way more to do with things completely outside of your control.

Q25:

I’ve only recently started dating for the first time, and while the dates themselves are enjoyable, I’m kind of stressed out over whether I feel how I’m “supposed” to feel, and how soon I should know how I feel. I have gone on four dates with someone who I really like, enjoy spending time with, have a lot in common with, and want to see again, but I’m not sure how romantically/sexually interested I am in her or if I mostly like her as a friend. I have a non-zero amount of romantic interest in her, but is it enough? How do I know what is enough? When do I need to know whether it’s enough? I’m stuck between “I don’t want to lead her on” and “I don’t want to write her off too quickly / also I would be sad if I never saw her again.” My therapist says I should communicate my feelings to her, but what’s a non-asshole way to say “I like you, but I’m not sure if I like you as much as I should like someone I’m dating”? How much are you supposed to like someone you’ve been on four dates with? I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before, so it’s hard for me to calibrate or contextualize my current feelings.

A:

Himani: “Should” and “feel” are two words that don’t belong side by side in most contexts, but especially this one. There is no set way that you “should feel” after having been on four dates. That’s going to be really variable from person to person and situation to situation. At the same time, I think you should be honest with yourself about your own feelings: “Also I would be sad if I never saw her again” is not an insignificant statement to make about a person. I’m not trying to push you towards feeling more than you do, just make sure that you are really looking at all of your feelings in equal measure.

Your therapist is right that this is about communication. One way to consider framing this conversation is: “I like you and I want to continue spending time with you. I’m not sure if I’m in a place where I’m ready to explicitly define or label anything, though.” One thing you might want to ask yourself, also, is if you’re in a place where you want to continue to date other people and what you are hoping from her around that. That may not be a conversation you need to have right now, but it would be useful information to have for yourself, as you think about your feelings about this relationship. And also, a good thing to be prepared to answer because if you open up this conversation then it is very possible that the questions of “Are you dating other people? Are you ok with me dating other people?” may come up. In terms of is this the right time to have this conversation as a whole, I don’t know that there’s any set guideline around that. If you want clarity around that, then it’s the right time to bring it up. If the person you’re seeing wants clarity about it, she should bring it up.

As for how to contextualize your own feelings, this may not be particularly useful advice, but unfortunately I think there’s really no way to know that without letting this (and other future) experience play out.

Kayla: I do think some of your uncertainty and need for more concrete answers/metrics for feelings has a lot to do with the fact that you don’t have a lot of dating experience. Not having a lot of dating experience isn’t a bad thing at all! It just means you are indeed working with less data and don’t have a lot of things to compare your current situation to. The more you date, the more you’ll learn about yourself. You’ll get there—I promise! But if it helps in the meantime, here’s what I’ll say: These questions you’re asking don’t have quantifiable answers. There IS no set timeframe. There IS no straightforward way to measure whether you like someone “enough” to date them. If you’ve been on a date with this person four times and enjoy her company and want to see her again, then great, do that. Until someone brings up the conversation of “hey do you want to be exclusive” (if you’re monogamous) or “hey do you want to define our relationship in some specific way,” you don’t really have to change any of what you’re currently doing. It’s not leading someone on to not have all of your thoughts and feelings figured out yet. There’s no reason to end something after four dates just because you’re not sure you want something serious or not. Keep going on dates; keep seeing where things go. Understand that there isn’t some magical formula and that not everything will be intuitive. If you’re the kind of person who benefits from externalizing your feelings, get a journal and jot down some of what you feel about her or talk things over with a friend. You can also communicate your feelings with her, like your therapist said, but you can express uncertainty in that conversation. You do not have to have it all figured out. A big part of dating/relationships is learning—about yourself and about other people.

Q26:

I should have submitted this for the fashion advice box so forgive me for not doing that – my brilliant best friend is engaged and looking for places in NYC to find wedding apparel. Possibly a dress or jumpsuit, and not looking for suit recs. She’s doing a “try on wedding dresses for your mom” trip back home, but we’re planning another round of shopping in NYC too. Any places y’all can recommend?? Thank you!!

A:

Kayla: Honestly, this is going to depend a whole lot on your friend’s budget. There are some super famous bridal salons in NYC, like Kleinfeld, and I found this account of a positive shopping experience there written by a queer woman. Reformation—a more modern option—also has a few locations in NYC. I’ve also heard good things about Lovely Bride.

Q27:

I’m in a relationship (18 yrs) about 7 yrs ago I realised there was something missing & my emotional needs weren’t being met. My partner turned from someone adventuress to someone who sat at home & watched tele every night. Every time I invited friends over she’d complain cos we had to clean & tidy…we had a son about the same time & over the years I am doing more & more, including child duties and working full-time. Our sex life died about 9 yrs ago & now we have no sex. When I brought it up she said she doesn’t like the way I kiss, so I tried to do better but I feel she is just not interested. I’ve tried bringing up my concerns & suggested couples therapy but she didn’t want to see anyone. Fast forward to now & I feel like I’m living with a child emotionally. I feel she doesn’t see everything I do so dismisses my feelings & anything I say.

2 yrs ago I met another mum & we hit it off seeing each other everyday, our kids hanging out. There was a mutual attraction & with time we both fell in love but nothing happened. Her hubby got weird about us hanging out & a few months ago she stopped seeing me & would only take my son out not including me. Her hubby made a comment that I felt was a subtle threat & backed right off without explaining as I was scared he’d harm me or my family. She has never explained anything to me, but hinted at a few things & I got the impression that he is very controlling. I miss her everyday & grieve for the friend I have lost & the relationship that may have been. I struggle to maintain a sense of normality. I feel like I’ve failed her, our friendship/love. OTOH what’s the point if she can’t see me.

A:

Kayla: Sorry, but I’m about to go long here. To be honest, I don’t think you’re asking the right questions. I’m really confused as to why you’re still in your current relationship. If the answer is just your kid together, I know that can complicate things, and ending relationships as long as yours is just hard to do in general. But everything about your question screams to me that this relationship should either 1. End or 2. Be worked on in a very real, intentional way to fix some of the longstanding issues.

You said yourself you realized your emotional needs were not being met seven years ago. On top of that, there hasn’t been sex in a really long time. It makes sense to me that you fell in love with another person, because your current relationship does not sound like it has been a fulfilling relationship for you on multiple levels for a very, very long time. But using another person as a lifeboat is not the solution. The solution is to end the relationship or address the issues with your partner and fix it. You already attempted the latter by suggesting couples therapy, and your partner shut that down. If she isn’t willing to work on things, you shouldn’t be expected to either. So what does that mean moving forward?

I understand your frustrations with your current partner. It sounds like they are not the person they were in the beginning of your relationship. This is a tricky thing, because it’s just often the reality of a long-term relationship. People can’t be expected to stay the same. Just because she was adventurous when you met doesn’t mean she’ll always be that way. People change, and people also get comfortable within relationships. But it also sounds like there are a bunch of other problems going on, like you feeling like you do more of the work and the intimacy issues (her saying she doesn’t like the way you kiss, which is no doubt a pretty mean thing to say). Her not wanting to work on things in therapy doesn’t leave you with a lot of options, sure. So why haven’t you ended the relationship? Do you know the answer? Are you satisfied with the answer? To me, it sounds like you’re both deeply unhappy. Comfort and consistency are not the same as happiness. Ending an 18-year relationship is extremely hard work, especially when there’s a kid involved. But you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors by staying in a broken relationship. Who does that help? How does that do anything other than deepen the issues between you?

Maybe I’m wrong (in which case—feel free to ignore some of what I’m saying I guess!) but I don’t get the impression that you had a discussion about seeing other people or exploring nonmonogamy. So it does sound like you’ve been having an emotional affair with this other mom, who has a husband. Meanwhile, it sounds like her husband and your partner are in the dark, which is a huge betrayal of trust, even if “nothing happened.” You’re saying you’re in love, and you’re missing her every day, and you’re grieving “the relationship that may have been.” That does not sound like “nothing” to me.

Your partner has been uncommunicative and dismissive, and I know that you can’t provide the entire context of an 18-year relationship in the confines of a few paragraphs, but I struggle to see anything more than tension, a lack of communication, incompatibility, and fairly common relationship conflict, which does not automatically amount to abuse. I’m not saying that to deny your feelings or to suggest that relationships have to be inherently abusive to be considered unhealthy or imbalanced, but I do think you still owe it to your partner to be honest and to do the hard work of ending things rather than falling in love with someone else. She hasn’t caused so much harm to you so as not to deserve this basic decency.

Even though the feelings between you and this other mom have been mutual, she has every right to stop seeing you. You could be right about her husband being controlling, but you could also be wrong. You don’t know the particulars of their marriage, and you don’t know the conversations they’ve had about you. Let me clear: No one has a right to threaten your safety. But from what I can tell, the relationship between you and this woman has NOT been above board with either of your partners, and if he doesn’t want her to see you anymore and she wants to work on her marriage, well, there’s not a lot you can do about that. It does sound like several people are being hurt in this situation.

Not only are you being unfair to your partner, but you could be being unfair to this friend by using her as a life raft to escape your unhappy home life. Is it possible you’re projecting some things onto her? Onto the friendship? How can you know what a relationship beyond friendship with her really looks like when you’re both still in presumably monogamous relationships with other people?

Grieving the possibility of a relationship is absolutely a thing. In fact, when the potential for a relationship is squashed, it can sometimes feel as big as a breakup. I’ve written about it before, and so have others. Your feelings were real then and are real now, but the imagined relationship with her hinges on fantasy. It’s also an escape hatch that doesn’t actually provide you with real solutions to your current situation.

Of course, your current situation is not simple. These things never are. I hope I’m not sounding too harsh in all this. I just think people owe it to each other to end relationships when there’s significant evidence that it’s not working. Whether it’s an intimacy/sex issue or just generally not a good fit, everyone gets hurt when fundamentally broken relationships last long past their expiration date. It’s not the easy or sexy solution, but ending things is much kinder—and better in the long-run for everyone involved—than grasping at another person.

Vanessa: Okay, I haven’t read Kayla’s answer yet, but I do know historically I always believe her advice is spot on, so I’m sure she’s right. I’ll read her response after I write this, but I gotta write this right away. I’m gonna go short.

You need to end your marriage. It is not working, you both seem to know it is not working, your partner has no interest in working on it, and you have checked out. Please end it officially. You do not have to live like this.

You also need to put this new woman out of your mind. Do whatever you can to get over her. Whatever was going on with her, all the information you’ve shared indicates that she is in a monogamous partnership that she has no intention of leaving. Worrying about her is a diversion from what you actually need to do: worry about yourself.

Which brings me to my final step. I really, really, really want you to prioritize yourself and your needs. Maybe you don’t know what your needs are yet. That’s okay. Spend time figuring it out. Once you put yourself in the driver’s seat of your life, you can learn what feels good to you. You can decide what your dealbreakers are. You can find people who can meet the needs you realize you have. None of the things you’re asking about will serve you in figuring that out, though. It’s work you have to do by yourself, and it’s often not the most fun, to be honest. But I believe in you, and I want this for you, and I hope you make it happen. I’m cheering you on.

(Just coming back here to add that now that I’ve read Kayla’s advice, she is, as I suspected, exactly right.)

Q28:

cw: fatphobia, eating disorder

Dear internet friends,

My queer (libra) bf is sweet and funny, we moved in half a year ago and I’m strangely happy about it even though I can see that that move (& pandemic) has emphasised an existing problem: we find it hard to cultivate sex due to anxieties about sex (connected to bad past experiences and dysphoria) so we convince ourselves it’s easier to ignore it.

I (leo) can’t really do that anymore, but my bf is more on the denial-train. He seems to be afraid that he is just not attracted to me anymore or that this is just the way relationships go – after 3 years! :( I think desire is quite mercurial and context-dependant and ours needs some work, maybe because we’re so comfortable on other fronts.

During the last conversation, my bf said that part of why he is less attracted to me is that I have gained some weight, noting that this is something that he is very ashamed of. This hit me like a bomb, also because I’ve had an eating disorder in the past (which I don’t really talk about) and fatphobic parents who always police my weight (which he knows). Some things I really value in our relationship is our shared queerness and politics, and the fact that I don’t have to adhere to some version of straight feminine beauty that I’m not. I feel like some part of that trust is broken, but I don’t know how to understand what’s going on or how to repair it. I’m just panicking.

My last relationship also ended after the guy broke the news that he wasn’t attracted to me, after a year. What’s up with that? Also relevant information: I’m a total babe.

We’re contacting a therapist btw!

A:

Carolyn: Is he also getting a therapist on his own? Because it seems like a large part of this is his work to do on his own.

Ro: I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. That must have been awful to hear, especially from someone who is aware of your ED history. I agree with Carolyn — it sounds like your bf has a lot of work to do on his own, and I imagine that some (or all?) of his anxieties about sex have nothing to do with you or your body or his attraction to you, especially since he’s previously told you that his anxiety is related to dysphoria and past experiences. You are absolutely right to assume that 1. You are a total babe and 2. A disappearing sex life isn’t “just how relationships go.” You deserve a fulfilling and fun sex life and you deserve an affirming partner who is willing to work on himself.

Kayla: I second everything above and also want to emphasize that your bf needs to do a lot of work here. I agree with Ro and highly suspect that his anxieties around sex have nothing to do with you/your body. As shitty as this sounds, I think sometimes people use that as an excuse to deflect. It’s unkind, but it’s an easy thing to say—sometimes easier than the truth, which can be rooted in some deeply internal stuff someone hasn’t figured out yet. It’s a way to place the blame on something outside of himself, and it’s not fair to you. Regardless of anything, you deserve to feel sexy and wanted. I’m really, really sorry he said this to you, and if I’m being honest, it’s going to take a looootttt of work to undo the damage of a statement like that. It’s almost its own form of betrayal for your bf to comment about your body in that way, especially when he knows about your ED history. This is about more than sex; trust has been broken, and it will take work to repair it.

Vanessa: I realize nowhere in this question do you indicate that you want to break up with this person, but I’ve gotta say, I would break up with this person.

Nicole: I agree with everything that’s already been said, and also, want to ask you to examine that panic and all the things you’re feeling. If your relationship makes you feel panicked, on edge, betrayed over any kind of extended period of time — those are not ways that healthy relationships make us feel. I know you’re going to therapy, and I hope that you’ll both explore therapy separately if you can. And I am afraid to say this because you might like it,, but I am certain that you, a total babe, can find other people who are queer, who share your politics, and who also agree that you are a total babe — and you deserve that! I don’t know, I just find it difficult to trust someone who has a huge history of denial like that and you deserve the ability to actually have conversations about problems in relationships and be able to work things through.

Q29:

I met G in November 2019 (were we ever so young?), and we went on a couple dates, then settled into a dynamic most accurately described as friendly fuckbuddies who also sometimes invite each other to bigger group events? We saw each other once every 2-3 weeks probably for a few months, the pandemic hit, and then we occasionally went on masked nighttime outdoor jaunts. Without the sex, it became more starkly clear to me that we don’t have much in common, and that their enigmatic vibe that seemed sexy/intimidating/older initially is now just like… why are you so hard to know?? & makes time w/ them feel not very nourishing, if v infrequent hangs nice. When I went back to school and my health worsened, I basically said “write me off for a while,” and we texted briefly maybe monthly. We’ve hung out twice post-vax, & they’ve invited me to various things (we also rarely jive schedule-wise; they are allergic to advance scheduling and kind of flaky and don’t live super near; I am often booked ahead). We don’t talk much outside of invitations/responding. I don’t feel like I’m giving or getting much from this connection & feel inauthentic & want to cut it off. Does this decision demand an in-person conversation? I feel like the depth of the relationship may not & that it’s so hard and infrequent for us to meet that it would almost be weirder to get together just to end things? But it’s also weird that we’ve known each other for kind of long now and they are a kind person, and I don’t have any ill will or want to be disrespectful. Would it be shitty to text? What/how to say?

A:

Kayla: Most of the time, I encourage people to end things in person. But given all the context you’ve provided, I think this is a pretty clear instance of a text message being fine. Given the pandemic and G’s flakiness, it’s logistically complicated to arrange a time to meet anyway. I really don’t think it would be disrespectful. It sounds like the dynamic you had worked for a time but also never led to a deep connection. Like you said, you found them hard to get to know despite your attempts. As far as I can tell, there was never a conversation about feelings or the future or anything like that, so I don’t think you owe them too much of an explanation for why you don’t want to hang anymore. Say as much or as little as you want, set a clear boundary, and say you enjoyed your time with them. Being direct is different than being disrespectful.

Q30:

Hi, how do you start to feel desire again after experiencing a lot of sexual trauma as an adult? I’m fairly confident about my body in general and I’m getting there with loving myself as I am, but with regards to feeling sexy (and having any level of desire), it’s just not there, and all the things that would usually get me going aren’t currently. I’m trying really hard to be more present in the moment, to not be ‘in my head’ and to be aware of how I’m feeling (while being kind and gentle with myself too), but it’s like everything is switched off, or briefly buzzes then shuts down, even tho I desperately want to feel & explore my sexuality. Even with simple stuff- I want to be able to take nice selfies but whenever I try I’m just not into it (so I stop as I don’t want to force it). In terms of self pleasure I never used to have any issues but recently I’ve felt less connected (but still ok, as long as I avoid penetration with anything other than fingers). I’m finding a lot of the usual advice of getting in the mood quite triggering (porn/clothing/music etc), and I don’t know how to get myself out of this, I just want to feel safe and happy to explore my own queerness without hitting a brick wall all the time. I don’t know how I can start dating without knowing what I want (or don’t want), and if I’m just a mess of triggers how on earth do I navigate that with another person? I’m currently enjoying being single (like, genuinely- the relief!) but I would love to start dating again in the future. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

A:

Himani: First, I want to say I am really sorry about what you’ve experienced. Unfortunately, I don’t have any really specific suggestions I can offer you, but I want to float the idea (in case you aren’t already doing this) of working with a sex thearapist, specifically. They may be able to help you work through the trauma you’ve experienced and find ways to reconnect with your sexuality within the context of your experiences. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory which may be a great place to start. I do apologize if I’m suggesting something you’re already doing, and I also realize that therapy can be prohibitively expensive, especially the more specialized you get. It might require a bunch of research, but some of them may offer sliding scale options that can help, if cost is a concern.

Kayla: I think therapy (if you haven’t tried that yet) could be a huge help here, and Himani covered some of the options above. Sex, desire, and pleasure are really complicated things that touch so many parts of our lives. Definitely avoid those triggering advice articles about “getting in the mood” in terms of rebuilding your connection with masturbation for now. Focus on healing outside of the bedroom. I really do strongly encourage therapy to help you better understand your body and mind’s response to trauma. It could help you figure out what you want and how to get there. It can also help you better understand that “switched off” feeling, which is a very common form of dissociation when it comes to sexual trauma. I recommend the book Girlhood by Melissa Febos and basically all of the books written about in this article.

Rebuilding your desire and learning how to nurture your needs in a way that feels both satisfying AND safe for you is going to take time, work, and unfortunately probably some trial and error. Prioritize yourself above all else. Listen to your immediate responses to things and never try to push through something that’s uncomfortable or feels off. I think it’s good that you’re wanting to stay single for now but also holding in mind you want to eventually date again. I think you can hopefully get there if you focus on yourself, healing, and understanding that it’s difficult to address the sex stuff without also addressing…everything else—your emotions, the psychological and physical effects of trauma, etc. Be patient and kind with yourself.

Q31:

hi team! my girlfriend and i have been together for over 7 years and i’m planning on proposing soon! but i can’t decide if it would be more ~romantic~ and memorable if i did it a) on our weekend portland vacation [a very queer city so i’m told and it will be the first time we’ve ever taken a trip together that wasn’t to see family/friends/drive back to college] OR b) on the exact 7-year anniversary of when we became official girlfriends [after 6 months of “hanging out”]. option b) is less than two weeks after our trip so it isn’t like the timing will be a difference of months. if i waited to do it at home, it would be a weekend day and i can totally plan a romantic hike or beach day to do it. the final consideration re: portland is that she has a tattoo appointment booked for the second out of the three days we’ll be there, and as someone with no tattoos, i’m not sure if it would be better to do it before the 6+ hour arm appointment, or the day after, when she’s likely to be sore. if anyone has some advice re: proposing (and i guess if you’d be down with or have the very specific experience getting proposed to close to a tattoo appointment?) i would really appreciate it!

A:

Nicole: Hooray! Such fun news! She is likely going to be pretty darn tired the day after AND immediately after, too, with a tattoo appointment lasting that long. Immediately after and the following day is time for lots of food, water and rest (a great time to do the eating part of a trip). As for the proposal, immediately following the tattoo is, as you suggest, probably not the best if you’re trying to maximize her enjoyment. There is a good chance she’ll be pretty tired. Of course, I’m not in your situation so if it winds up being a really good situation and you know she would love it, that takes precedence. However, I feel like going with something before or on your anniversary is the way to go if you want to make sure she’s not too tired to enjoy BEING PROPOSED TO! Congrats and I hope it goes so well and that you both end up with a memory you can treasure. This is very exciting!

Kayla: Congrats! I personally find it really hard to give people proposal advice, because I truly think it’s up to you to decide what your girlfriend likes best. Some people want a big splashy engagement and some people want something simple. Since you’ve been with your girlfriend for seven years, I’m guessing you have an idea of what she would prefer. I personally think the best proposals are the ones that are special yet simple—but that’s just me. Proposing on a big trip—especially factoring in the tattoo appointment—could feel like A Lot. Now, maybe your girlfriend likes things that feel A Lot! In which case, go for it. But if you think she’d like something a little more simple but still special, I’d say wait until you’re home and do it on the anniversary. Again, I don’t know your girlfriend, but if she’s someone who cares about how she looks for certain big events or in pictures, come up with an activity that she’s going to wear something for that makes her feel good. Because even if you’re not taking formal pictures of the proposal, you might end up snapping some pics of each other/selfies together, and if you think she’ll want to dress/look a certain way for something like that, choose a date location/activity that’s going to be conducive to that. Romantic beach day sounds lovely, but if you’re going to do the actual proposal there, make sure you consider that there could be other people around (unless you have a secluded beach spot, in which case, sounds like an ideal proposal location if you ask me!) and think about whether or not your girlfriend would be okay with a proposal that feels a little more public. Ultimately, you gotta go with your gut about what she likes! Don’t overthink it but also do consider her preferences.