Welcome to the third edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however). Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
Q.
I gained 70 pounds in 2 years and now i’m afraid I’ll never get to have lesbian sex with girls that look like Shane. In one sense I know that’s crazy talk, but in another sometimes louder sense it appears to be true. Help. Bring receipts.
A.
Vanessa, Community Editor: Hello, hi, it’s me, a fat queer dyke, here to talk to you about this!
Before we dive in: YES YOU ARE GONNA HAVE GREAT SEXY WONDERFUL LESBIAN SEX WITH HOT GIRLS, OF COURSE YOU ARE. INCLUDING HOT THIN GIRLS, BECAUSE I THINK BY “GIRLS THAT LOOK LIKE SHANE” YOU MAYBE MEAN, IN AN EXTREME SHORTHAND “HOT GIRLS” BUT MAYBE YOU ALSO MEAN IN A SLIGHTLY LONGER SHORTHAND, “HOT THIN GIRLS.” ANYWAY I WILL STOP YELLING NOW.
Whew, okay. So the thing is, a lot is happening in your question. You’ve gained weight, the weight gain has affected your confidence in your dating/sex life, you know objectively that’s “crazy talk” but also we live in a fatphobic world that tells you your worst fears are actually extremely true at every single fucking opportunity it can, you’d like some help and also you’d like some PROOF thank you very much, not just some rainbows and sunshine body positive we’re all beautiful we’re all gonna get laid by hot babes bullshit. COOL, I HEAR YOU. Let’s go over some stuff.
I’m qualified to answer this question, I think, because I’m fat, I’ve gotten fatter over the past two years, and I have great sex with hot babes fairly regularly. Some of those babes are thin and some of those babes are fat, but they’re all hella hot and they all definitely wanted to have sex with me. There’s my receipt.
I have bad news and good news. The bad news is, the world is fatphobic and society wants you to feel bad about yourself because you’ve gained weight. Think of the capitalist empires that would crumble if you didn’t feel bad about weight gain. And the other bad news, if we’re being completely real which of course we are, is that queer people and lesbians are not immune from the fatphobic messages we all receive on a daily basis and it is true, there will be thin girls who do not want to sleep with you because you have gained weight and/or are fat (I don’t know if you identify as fat so I’m not trying to put that identity on you, but I do identify as fat so that’s where I’m coming from writing this answer). And honestly, those people suck and I feel bad for them, because fat bodies are hot. But no, you’re probably not gonna sleep with them.
But now, THE GOOD NEWS. Queers and lesbians in general are usually pretty good at subverting oppressive structures, societal “norms,” and the patriarchy. Which means, and I say this from my own personal experience, you are honestly extremely likely to find hot lesbians who also think you are hot. Some of them will be thin! Some of them will be fat! There are so many hot lesbians out there, many of whom are not fatphobic and would probably love to sleep with you!
I would never tell you you’re crazy for feeling this way because you’re not – you’re responding to a million messages, both overt and insidious, that tell you that you would get laid more if you were thinner. Will you get less matches on Tinder as a fat person? Maybe. Is the East Coast more fatphobic than Portland, OR? Sure feels that way to me right now! AND YET – am I still having sex with hot babes on the regular? Mmhmm, yes I am. You will too.
I encourage you to find clothes that make you feel really good about how you look, buy nice undergarments that make you feel amazing and sexy, and – I say this extremely gently, with knowledge that this is hard and we are all on our own journey – maybe do a tiny bit of thinking about what bodies you think are hot and why that is. When you say “girls who look like Shane” do you really just mean thin androgynous babes? Would you be down to have hot lesbian sex with a fat woman? I don’t say this to make you feel bad. Just to suggest that we all have internalized fatphobia to unlearn, and in the interest of creating the hottest best most satisfying sex life you could possibly dream of for yourself, that might be a good place to start.
Reneice, Staff Writer: So first I want to thank you for being brave and vulnerable enough to ask this because body image conversations can be very hard and scary things. With that said, the most honest thing I can tell you from my fat queer woman perspective is the that what’s ultimately most likely to determine how much glorious, passionate, hot hot sex you have in your future isn’t the size of your body, it’s the size of your confidence and self-love, and what you attract because of it.
Your worth is not determined by your weight or shape. I know that may be hard to believe because our society and mainstream media have done a lot of work to make anyone who doesn’t look one specific way feel inferior. Then once they’ve gotten into our heads and made us believe the only way to be happy, lovable, sexy, desirable or any positive thing at all is to spend every waking moment wanting and trying to alter our bodies, they turn that trauma into profit. Specifically, the diet industry makes over 60 billion dollars a year in profit in the U.S. alone selling “solutions” that DON’T WORK to a “problem” that THEY CREATED and is NOT REAL. Most of that money ends up in the wallets of the very straight, cis white men that head up the industry and perpetuate fatphobia and fat shaming beliefs in the first place!
I’m telling you this cause you asked for receipts, and also in hopes that when you realize just how much the problematic people at the helm of fatphobia and the diet industry capitalize on their victims, on YOU, it’ll help make the process of unlearning these biases and healing your relationship with your body a little easier, cause fuck them. Anyone who thinks your weight somehow detracts from the beautiful amazing person I know you are, whether they look like Shane or not, is wrong. They’re drinking the wrong kool-aid, and they aren’t worthy of the pleasure of taking you to bed. Period.
It’s not just others that need to realize this though, it’s also you, and I say that with absolutely nothing but love because I’ve been there. I used to hate my body and believe that no one else could possibly love or find me attractive because I’m fat, have been since middle school. Unsurprisingly those beliefs became a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it wasn’t my body that kept me from the sex life I desired, it was the fact that I projected insecurity, shame, and embarrassment everywhere I went. I know it was my beliefs and not my body that were the issue because I’m the same size I was back then, but I found the body positivity movement, got addicted to self-love and strengthened my confidence muscles as much as I could. Now I have so much sex and attract so many beautiful people with bodies of all sizes that it’s a little overwhelming. That’s the wonderful thing about dismantling internalized bodily oppression, it not only helps you see and acknowledge your beauty, it also blows the narrow boundary of who and what you’ve been taught to desire and find attractive (aka those aforementioned Shanes) wide open as well. A larger more diverse definition of beauty means more opportunity, more babes, and more of that good lovin.
Anyone who thinks your weight somehow detracts from the beautiful amazing person I know you are, whether they look like Shane or not, is wrong.
Q.
It seems like non-monogamy is objectively the most ethical relationship structure — I feel like a bad queer for not wanting it — but I don’t want it. Does that make me egotistical or unrealistic?
A.
Al(aina), Staff Writer: The idea that non-monogamy is objectively the most ethical relationship structure is honestly, something I’ve never heard before! I want to know who you’re hanging out with and what you’re reading to have this idea! As a non-monogamous person who’s been in relationships with people who were reluctant about non-monogamy (or worse, whose partner’s were uncomfortable with non-monogamy), let me tell you that non-monogamy is actually objectively the least ethical relationship structure when everyone doesn’t want it. The most ethical structure is one where every person in the relationship feels heard, cared for, respected, and desired. It’s one where everything that happens is consensual and wanted, if not explicitly asked for. You’re not egotistical for wanting to be monogamous! There are literally tons of people who want to be monogamous! If that’s the structure that makes you feel good about being in a relationship, then you’re doing the right thing! And you should keep on doing it.
Now, if you’re dating people who are making you feel egotistic and unrealistic for wanting to be in a monogamous relationship with them, A) they aren’t ethically practicing non-monogamy, B) they clearly do not care about you, and C) you have my permission to cuss them out and tell them they’re being a jackass.
Reneice: Absolutely have to echo what Alaina has said here. There is no one relationship structure that’s more ethical than another! It all has to do with the people in the relationship! Non-monogamy is my happy place but the entire time I wasn’t aware of that I’d end up engaging in behaviors that were out of bounds in my monogamous relationships and it was not at all an ethical situation. It’s my opinion that any relationship in which one or both people are uncomfortable with the boundaries and format is a relationship that has diverged from the ethical path. You don’t need to feel bad, and you certainly aren’t a bad queer for knowing non-monogamy isn’t for you. Being self assured and secure in your boundaries, wants, and needs is a wonderful thing. It’ll make it that much easier to cultivate the amazing ethically monogamous relationship you deserve. And remember, anyone who makes you feel bad or not progressive or queer enough for being monogamous is a jerk.
Rachel, Managing Editor: I really relate to feeling like something makes sense logically or philosophically and being frustrated with yourself that you can’t make it make sense for you emotionally, and I think it’s super real to know that polyamory/nonmonogamy makes sense as a practice while also knowing that it doesn’t meet your specific needs. I think what’s important to remember is that while we have a responsibility to be ethical and as compassionate as possible to the individual people we have interpersonal relationships with, our interpersonal relationships aren’t like recycling or turning your music down after 11 pm; they aren’t things that we have a moral obligation to the larger world about. They’re about your needs and the needs of the person you’re with, and that’s it — there isn’t a scoring system like in The Good Place that keeps track of things beyond that. It’s ok to want what you want!
The most ethical structure is one where every person in the relationship feels heard, cared for, respected, and desired.
Q.
My brother is getting married in September and I’m in the wedding! My question is about how to present. I’m of the soft butch/tomboy femme persuasion most of the time and have the haircut to match. My instinct at larger family gatherings is usually to really lean into the gay cousin role (my immediate family is supportive and generally cool but extended fam has some Opinions). On top of that, it’s a very straight affair in Texas so my desire to get an extra bold Alternative Lifestyle cut the week before is very strong. However. I recognize this day is not about me! My future SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid and has been working to build a relationship with me, which means a lot! And her mom is very… image conscious (we have to wear different, “appropriate” shoes for the ceremony and for half the pics). So I don’t want to rock the boat too hard and am trying to convince myself I should ask my stylist for a softer pixie cut next time I go in. Any style tips for low-key/high-key blasting queer vibes on the days I’m not wearing a bridesmaid dress so I feel like I’m not hiding/maybe offend an uncle/flag to one of her cousins, but avoid drawing unnecessary attention on the special day itself?
A.
Al(aina): MIGHT I SUGGEST THIS USEFUL GUIDE I WROTE? Also, some extra advice, you ARE the gay cousin, you know?? No matter what you wear, you get to still be the gay cousin, and you’ll always look as gay as you want, because you are gay. Maybe it’s not your outfit that gives it away but the way you make straight girls question themselves when they see you groove on the dance floor!
Natalie Duggins, Staff Writer: Here’s a thing to remember: your future SIL asked you. She asked you with your soft butch/tomboy femme persuasion and haircut to match. She knew who you were when she asked you so if she’s not worried about offending an uncle, I think you should rest easy. How about this: why not ask your future SIL to go with you when you get your pre-wedding haircut? Make an afternoon of it — along lunch and massages, maybe — and you can feel good about building the bond between you and finding a style that works.
No matter what you wear, you get to still be the gay cousin, and you’ll always look as gay as you want, because you are gay.
Q.
HmmmmmK. I catch feelings as SOON as the other person starts to pull away. What’s up with that?
A.
Riese, Editor-in-Chief: I think because of “don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” You take something for granted until you can’t have it anymore, and then you’re finally able to see it for all that it was… except… just the good parts. Right? Anyhow, here are some possible explanations:
Ego: Romantic interest makes us feel good about ourselves, and subsequent disinterest has a way of immediately making ourselves feel bad about ourselves. The idea of having the person back gets mixed up with the idea of feeling better about ourselves.
Bad Self-Esteem/Self-Worth: If you already have bad self-esteem, then the person wanting you in the first place may have impacted your perception of their intelligence, charm, wit and desirability. You think only an idiot would like you, so as soon as they stop liking you, you stop thinking that they’re an idiot. Or — the fact that although their interest in you far outweighs your interest in them, they still want to be with you, makes you see them as pathetic or desperate. You think they have bad taste. When they change their mind about you, you suddenly see them as smarter, more confident, and more desirable.
Perceived Value: This is sort of an evolutionary concept where people, or monkeys I guess, would be searching for the most valuable mate. As soon as somebody rejects us, our perception of their value increases, like an expensive thing we cannot afford. We want it and we can’t have it. At the end of the day, we’re all monkeys.
Loss of Control: When you liked them more than they liked you, you felt strong and in control of your life. When that shifts, you no longer feel like your life consists of you wanting something and then taking steps to get it, because while that might work with like, jobs or puppies, it doesn’t always work with people. That’s scary!
Reneice: Hello! As someone who has absolutely been there, done that, and also has a graduate therapeutic degree I thought it might help to point out the usual main culprits behind this phenomenon, though of course I can’t presume this is specific to you. First, humans are silly. Studies have shown that nearly all of us lose interest in others to some degree once we have confirmation that they have feelings for us because we tend to devalue ourselves and therefore devalue anyone that could like us. The thinking is they must OBVIOUSLY be flawed/have bad taste/etc because we know that we are flawed and judge ourselves too harshly for it. The flip side of this then, is that once someone pulls away or somehow otherwise becomes less available and interested our brains start to think “wow, maybe this person is too good for me” and cue the sudden jump in desire and attraction! Biology makes humans more attracted to people that we perceive as superior to us for survival reasons and all that stuff. So in this case it’s not our fault! It’s just our genes and natural drives! It is good to have awareness of this though and work to shift your mindset of what is valuable in a person because of course people who show interest are not inherently less wonderful/suddenly more wonderful once they stop.
Next, there’s good old fear of rejection and/or abandonment. Most people have some degree of one or both of these things. Someone losing interest registers as a rejection and often triggers a preventive response because people as a whole really don’t like feeling loss. It becomes a motivator to be more engaged and interesting, and find a renewed attraction in the other person in attempts to stave off losing them and feeling rejected or left behind. There’s a whole lot of really good literature online about these fears, how they operate and how to cope with them so if this sounds relevant to you I’d suggest a self-help google session! It’ll likely bring a lot of clarity.
You think only an idiot would like you, so as soon as they stop liking you, you stop thinking that they’re an idiot.
Q.
Thoughts on coming out to a friend via text message?
A.
Vanessa: I think this can be very fine! I’m curious what your relationship with this friend is outside of this specific text – like, do you see each other regularly, do you live in the same town, are you gonna text them and then follow up in person, are you texting and hoping to never chat about it in person, do you text regularly, do they live far away and thus it’s like, the only option, etc etc etc…in short I think my answer is like “I want more info!!” but also, in general, I think it’s 2018 and texting is an extremely reasonable way to communicate most information. It gives both parties time and space to respond with the exact words they want to use, it gives everyone an opportunity to be their best selves, and you can do it while wearing very cozy pajamas and eating pizza in the comfort of your own home. I vote yes, and also, good luck and I hope your friend responds lovingly!
Natalie: My general advice — and this goes for coming out or sharing any important information — is that you communicate in the way that is most comfortable for you. This is your story, you tell it the way you want to and, if that’s texting, then have at it.
Reneice: That is absolutely okay! I think it’s really easy to forget that coming out is more about you than the person you’re coming out to. I’m a very nurturing, caregiving type of person and I focused so much on making the experience of me coming out comfortable to the people I was talking to that I ended up hurting myself a ton in the interaction. I wished I’d given myself more distance and not done it in person because watching/hearing them process was too painful for me. I did the rest via e-mail and it was much much better. If texting is what feels best for you in terms of this friend, that’s what you should do. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
I think it’s really easy to forget that coming out is more about you than the person you’re coming out to.
Q.
Hi Team AS! First things first: You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for all you do! So here’s my question…. Recently I’ve been getting more into the queer community but I’m feeling some serious imposter syndrome. I’m bi/pan, but spent most of my life not really labelling my sexuality. I don’t have a coming out story. I don’t know much queer culture. I don’t look very queer. (I look roughly soft butch I guess… I don’t know if I’m allowed to use that expression though since I’m not a lesbian.) I’m not even sure what the correct term for my sexuality is (I’ve waded into material on the bi/pan debate and I just feel more muddled!). I know no one else can determine or police my queerness. I don’t really know how to deal with this feeling though. How do I find my place in this community? Have any of you felt this way? How did you grow past it? Thank you so much!
A.
Stef, Self-Appointed Vapid Fluff Editor: Oh sweet angel, if I had a nickel for every time I questioned whether or not I belonged to the queer community or was allowed to use a term or resource, I… would have a very impressive coin collection. When I first became aware of existing somewhere in-between on the Kinsey Scale, I had a several-years-long identity crisis that resulted in a lot of self-loathing and a LOT self-destructive behavior. Autostraddle was really new back then and I actually ended up quitting for a while because I didn’t think I belonged here or that our readers would connect with anything I had to say. I felt isolated from both my straight friends and my queer friends, and I felt like I constantly had to justify my sexuality or my choices to everyone.
One thing that helped a lot was (eventually) becoming more involved with Autostraddle and doing A-Camp, where we started prioritizing specifically bisexual (I use that word as an umbrella term) meet-ups or events. Seeing other queers who had similar stories or issues or approached their sexuality in ways I hadn’t even thought to consider was really affirming for me, and helped me take a lot of the pressure off.
Here’s the thing though, and it took me a long time to swallow this information myself – nobody else is thinking about this as much as you are! Everybody’s dealing with their own impostor syndrome and their own neuroses. Like you said, it’s nobody’s job to police your sexuality or your expression, and only you get to decide that for yourself. If you don’t find a label that fits, that’s okay; you don’t have to even have a label! I tend to not use one; “queer” is a good catch-all that feels right sometimes, but even then I change my mind from time to time. All I can tell you is that nobody is going to make you label yourself or justify your queerness in any way, and if they do, that person is an actual monster. You are queer enough, and you are part of this community, because you’re here right now.
“…if I had a nickel for every time I questioned whether or not I belonged to the queer community or was allowed to use a term or resource, I… would have a very impressive coin collection.”
Q.
I want to be friends with my ex girlfriend but she has taken “being friends” way too far! It’s gotten to the point where it feels invasive. She texts me all day every day, and has even started texting MY friends to ask them to hang out. My method of just ignoring most of her texts and only responding a few times a day doesn’t seem to be working she just won’t stop!!!! What do I do?
A.
Vanessa: I’m so sorry to tell you this but you are going to have to come up with some firm boundaries and then actually tell your ex about these boundaries! You’re not doing anything wrong – it’s a perfectly reasonable assumption when you break up with someone that y’all won’t automatically jump into a “texting all day every day” kind of relationship, but unfortunately, your ex is not making this perfectly reasonable assumption with you. In fact, sounds like her assumption is that you will automatically be BFF. Based on my personal experiences, I’m gonna go ahead and say that this problem is not going to fix itself. It’s going to suck, and your ex might get mad at you or say some unkind things, and she’s going to be hurt, but you just need to tell her outright that this is not working for you.
I find emails to be easier for these kinds of communications than texting because it’s a cool, calm form of communication. There’s not as much anticipated rushed back and forth, and you can take your time spelling out exactly what you want to say. If I were you, I would probably say something like: “Hi! I wanted to talk to you about our communication styles post-breakup. I do want to keep you in my life and continue a friendship, but the way we’re communicating right now isn’t working for me. I need to take some space, and getting frequent texts from you and having you reach out to my close friends to hang out feels really bad for me. I would prefer if we [INSERT YOUR BOUNDARIES HERE – can be anything from like “only communicate via email when necessary for a few months” to “only texted occasionally” to “do not speak at all for 3 months”]. Thank you for understanding; I know you respect me so I know you will respect my boundaries.”
I’ve framed this response in the context of you actually wanting to keep this person in your life in some capacity, because the way you stated your question indicates that that’s true, but if you in fact do not want to be friends with your ex or do not want to keep her in your life, that’s okay too! Anything you decide is okay. You just have to actually tell your ex about what you need, because she’s not going to figure it out on her own and may actually be willfully ignoring your hints because she doesn’t want to accept what is true for you. Good luck setting these boundaries and communicating them – you can do it and I believe in you!
Stef: One time my ex-girlfriend and I were trying to establish boundaries and we literally made a Google doc called “Boundaries” where we wrote out our expectations and negotiated how we’d approach one another going forwards. I’m not saying it’s a foolproof method, but it worked for us.
Reneice: Did you and your ex have a period of non-communication before attempting to make the transition to being friends? If not, I highly suggest that you do. It takes time for someone who is used to being prioritized in terms of your time and space both physically and emotionally, and being able to solicit attention and affirmation from you in an intimate partnered way to learn that they need to direct their wants and energy in those regards elsewhere. That’s nearly impossible to do without a full timeout. Those patterns need to be disrupted in a serious and concrete way. Once the break comes to an end you’ll also need to talk about boundaries and be very specific about what friendship looks and feels like to you.
Riese: Yeah I think what Reniece said is key. Take a month or five to fully re-form your lives without the other person in them, and then return to each other with a more solid concept of where the other person still fits in and where you need or want them to be.
It takes time for someone who is used to being prioritized in terms of your time and space both physically and emotionally, and being able to solicit attention and affirmation from you in an intimate partnered way to learn that they need to direct their wants and energy in those regards elsewhere.
Q.
I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my cis-female partner for 30 years. There has never been much of a Venn diagram overlap between our respective sexual drives (She’s wired so that her heart, body, soul and brain-wise have to be in perfect alignment while I’m a big compartmentalizer). It’s been a fallow few decades and, although not great, it had been bearable. Now, probably thanks to pre-menopause, I’ve turned into a horny teenage satyr (figuratively, not literally…). For the last six months or so I’ve been CONSTANTLY thinking about sex, which is not a good situation for my home life and work productivity. Yes, there’s been lesbian couple processing and, yes, we each have our own therapists, and, but we haven’t discovered the magic solution. She’s an artist who has not made any new art in the last few years because of work and family crises, and she says that she needs to focus on reconnecting with that side of herself right now and does not have the time nor energy to focus on our sex life issues. I accept that this is how it needs to be for our near future. However, I’m also 51 and although I know I have a flair for the dramatic, I’m convinced that if I don’t act very, very soon on my sexual desires and unrealized fantasies, the window of possibility will completely close. I’ve intimated to my partner that I am interested in opening up our default-monogamous relationship to my having casual sex, but I haven’t taken any actual steps.
Since I’m a research-first kind of a gal, I’ve just been lurking on the HER app, avidly following the _personals_ account on Instagram, had a subscription to the queer porn site Crashpad, and attended a local queer kink party at which I didn’t have the desire to interact with anybody and left after an hour. Wow, it’s a brave new world out there! Before I even think about screwing (ha!) up my courage to venture out IRL, I was hoping you can help me with a few questions. First, I’m really confused at the “likes” I’m getting on HER from people in their 20s. I can’t deny my physical attraction to them, but I can’t imagine why they would be interested in someone decades older. I’m sure there are some catfishes in this pool, but I’m really hesitant to respond to any young’uns. Besides dealing with my aging body self-consciousness issues, I’m uncomfortable at even looking at anyone in their 20s and 30s. It makes me feel like a creepy old man. I remember how emotionally labile I was when I was younger, and it’s hard for me believe that a hook up would not certainly be exploitative on my part.
I do not want to do anything that would destroy the relationship that I’ve spent so long building. Additionally, I have neither any energy for drama nor anything but a casual tryst. In fact, even if I go through with any of this, I’m not sure I wouldn’t panic and bail at the sexual moment of truth. Even back in the late 20th century, I wasn’t much of a player. I would appreciate any advice about how I might best address my concerns with these hypothetical people without coming across as THE WORST DATE IN THE WORLD. I might sound like a complete neurotic, but I’m really quite charming, funny, intelligent, and DTF (I think). But maybe it would be for the best if I keep the satyr corralled? I can’t go to any of my friends for feedback on this because it feels like I would be betraying my partner. Finally, I really don’t get the appeal of Snapchat animal filters, but that’s a question for another day.
-Trying to not go too gently into that good night
A.
Reneice: As a member of the 20 somethings club that has often been and still is interested in/engaging sexually with people older than me, I’d bet that most of those likes are genuine and some of those people will even be emotionally mature enough to meet your needs! You’re definitely right to be cautious, but I’d hope you’re open to striking up a conversation, taking it slow, and seeing how things pan out with a few of the younger people you have mutual interest in.
In my experiences, having extended open communication and interactions before engaging in anything physical has been key. If someone isn’t patient enough to talk it out for as long as you need, they aren’t the right person! It gives you both time to make sure you’re on the same page about what you’re looking for. It also allows you to have important talks and share as much or as little as you’d each like about bodies, changes, physical needs, likes, and dislikes. Building trust and comfort will be crucial to making the next step go well. When you have someone you think you’d like to try it out with I suggest being honest and saying something like “I like you a lot and I’m interested in pursuing this connection, but given our differences in age and my feelings regarding that I’d like to get to know each other better and have more conversations before being physical.” Something along those lines would be an approachable and direct yet chill way to honestly communicate your needs. Then when you’ve found the right person and you’re ready, release that satyr!
Riese: Yeah I’m gonna agree that those 20-and-30-somethings are very serious about their interest! I’m not sure how HER works, but on Tinder you set up the age range you want to see, so if they’re seeing you, it’s ’cause they want to. Lesbians are very flexible about age, moreso than straight people I think.
Another thing a lot of people are into? Casual trysts, or singular hookups that never go anywhere.
For me personally, in my relationships I’ve always felt like if you’re in a relationship where one person very much wants sex and the other doesn’t want to ever, and this has been going on for a while and there is no end in sight, that the kind thing for the not-sex-wanter to do is to allow their partner to sleep with other people. (Unless, I guess, you entered into your monogamous commitment with the awareness that sex wouldn’t always be part of the partnership.) That’s just me though and I know other people feel differently! You have to communicate really clearly about the limits of this, like perhaps you’re only allowed to sleep with a person one time and not have any ongoing affairs, or you can’t have sleepovers. Whatever works for both of you. If she’s not comfortable with it or with any type of sexual intimacy between the two of you then I guess that’s that, but I hope for your sake that she is!
Also maybe you should both read Come As You Are.
“As a member of the 20 somethings club that has often been and still is interested in/engaging sexually with people older than me, I’d bet that most of those likes are genuine and some of those people will even be emotionally mature enough to meet your needs!”
Q.
I’ve been seeing this woman for a little over two months now, and I really like her. I have told her I’d like to keep it casual for now and she agreed to that. I definitely like our physical relationship, but I also like the idea of sending her good morning/night texts and offering emotional support, and doing romantic things with her. The thing is I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before this (just some one-night stands) and I’m having a hard time parsing my desires. It’s not like I want to move in with her/start a nuclear family, but I care about her, but also I’m also not sure what are the expectations of asking her to be my gf, or if I want those expectations (I’m 24, she’s older and more experienced than me). Help, how do I navigating the in-betweens of casual and together-forever?
A.
Yvonne, Senior Editor: It sounds like you’re thinking there are only two options for this relationship to work and that’s not true! Casual is on one side and together-forever is like all the way, way over there and there’s so much space in the middle so what you want can totally exist. I think you should reflect a little more on what you actually want from this relationship with this person and then talk to them about it. Maybe what you want has changed from the beginning when you said you wanted things to be casual. Maybe you still want things to be casual and not “official” but you want to offer a little more than what you thought in the beginning. Talk it over and see if they’re ok with what you want to offer and if what they can offer is ok with you. Everyone is totally different so maybe for one person, this meets their expectations of a “girlfriend” and for someone else it could mean something totally different. You just need to talk it out with your person and go from there!
It sounds like you’re thinking there are only two options for this relationship to work and that’s not true!
Q.
I dated this woman for a while, and from the start she was way more into my than I was into her. There was also a few stuff getting in the way (some life disagreements) and I know she would have done all those things to please me, but as I didn’t feel as strongly about her it felt wrong to continue a relationship with her (and by doing so making her change a lot of the stuff she wants out of life) so I broke it off. She was understanding and nice about it, but she still wants to continue the same level of contact as we had when we were dating, and she uses guilt-tripping as a tactic (probably not consciously) for me to continue talking to her — something that makes me physically nauseous and also (ofc) feeling very guilty. She wants to be in my life (and she is very kind and good usually) so I do kind of want her to be in my life as well but not in that capacity. Please help me with finding a way to politely and kindly tell her to back of a bit?
A.
Rachel: I think the fact that you’ve already broken it off with her and she seems to have taken it okay means that you’re probably already good at communicating these things in a kind and polite way! I think you can be honest without pointing a finger and say that you don’t have space in your life right now to spend as much time and energy communicating with her as she needs, and that right now the disconnect in expectations is making you feel anxious and guilty. Maybe you want to offer up an alternative that would work for you — “I’d love to get brunch every few weeks and catch up, but I’m not able to text all throughout the day.”
I think the fact that you’ve already broken it off with her and she seems to have taken it okay means that you’re probably already good at communicating these things in a kind and polite way!
Q.
Autostraddle, I’m so angry about everything my mom taught me about being a woman. I see the corrosive ways in which patriarchy has effected my mom — she’s done some hardcore internalizing — and while I’d like to be there for her and hold space, I’m just so angry that she modeled for me to be small, accommodating, doubtful and 2nd-potato to men. It’s the root of so many of my problems today!! What do I do?
A.
Rachel: My dove I don’t think this is what you want to hear but unfortunately I think the truth is the only thing you can “do” in this situation is let yourself be angry. I’m glad you wrote in about it; I’m glad you’re aware of it and I hope you have people in your life you can talk to about it. I’m angry for you, too. Our parents are supposed to prepare us for and as much as they can, protect us from the harmful things in the world, of which the patriarchy is definitely one; they aren’t supposed to choose or listen to or prioritize those harmful things over us, and I know it feels like your mom did that, and in many ways she did. I don’t think there’s a way forward outside of trying to hold in your heart the seemingly conflicting truths that your mom tried to protect you and teach you the best way she knew how, and also that it did you more harm than good and she may never even be able to see that, let alone admit it or make amends for it. I’m so sorry that both you and your mom have been hurt by the oppressive systems we live under, and that it’s hurt your relationship, too. Part of growing up or just living as a grownup is realizing the ways our parents were imperfect and failed us, and trying as best we can to give ourselves what they couldn’t — I’m sorry your mom couldn’t protect you from this, and I hope at some point you feel like you can grant yourself the license and agency in the face of the patriarchy that she wasn’t able to.
Riese: All of our parents fail somehow. Parents are just people too. And it’s impossible to really understand or judge where somebody is coming from without having been there and seen what they saw — like what her mother told her, for example. So you have a right to be angry and frustrated, but like all of us the best you can do with what you got from your parents is to acknowledge it, refuse to continue participating in accommodating it, and become an incredible patriarchy-fucking person despite it.
Part of growing up or just living as a grownup is realizing the ways our parents were imperfect and failed us, and trying as best we can to give ourselves what they couldn’t.
Q.
What to do about a friend with mental illness, where the symptoms of her mental illness consistently make me feel disrespected? This usually takes the form of her canceling last minute, plain-out not showing up to plans, or not responding to messages/texts for days on end, even when she has read them.
I don’t want to be an asshole, but this has been going on for years. I’ve told her over and over again, in as kind and gentle a way possible, that this behavior makes me feel disrespected and taken for granted. No change, and usually a prickly response, like I’m being unreasonable! Don’t know what to do :(
A.
Reneice: I have a mental health diagnosis that causes me to operate in ways similar to those you’ve mentioned your friend exhibits. Non-responsiveness and inability to follow through on plans are actually common symptoms of many many mental health diagnoses, and I’ll be blunt if your friend is anything like me, it’s harder on her than it is on you. The activity that occurs in my brain often times makes doing the bare minimum exhausting. There are things I HAVE to get done and even those sometimes don’t happen, texting and socializing are at the bottom of my list at those times. Add to that times when one difficult event after another happened in life and I had no time to recover before facing the next challenge. I’ve also had years of not being able to communicate regularly or reliably, and no matter how much I wanted to, not being able to show up for plans. I feel immense levels of guilt in these times when people express frustration that i’m not meeting their expectations. I’m not meeting mine either, it’s not for lack of trying, its for lack of ability. It comes down to trying to force myself to do the emotional work of being communicative or present when I know I don’t have the capacity to engage others as long or often as they want, or doing what’s best for me in that moment, and what’s best for me is what has to win. When I cancel plans last minute it’s because I had a harder mental health day than I anticipated and can’t follow through. It sucks, not being physically and mentally capable of seeing and talking with friends is really sad. I understand that being friends with someone you feel hasn’t been a reliable or present friend for a long time is frustrating, but so is being friends with someone who knows you have a real, difficult, time and energy consuming mental health diagnosis but doesn’t adjust their expectations of you. It shows that there’s a disconnect in understanding of how exhausting it can be to live with a diagnosis and can even feel like people don’t believe that you’re struggling cause it’s been a long time but mental health doesn’t have a timeline. Your friend’s behaviors aren’t about you. I’d bet you aren’t the only one they aren’t responding to or showing up for.
As for advice, in my experience the people in my life that have been understanding and shifted their expectations of me in terms of our friendship and not taken my absences personally are the ones I seek out first when I’m able to again. It feels good to be understood. You can’t be disappointed by someone if you stop expecting them to meet a standard that they aren’t able to. If making that shift isn’t an option for you, the path of least harm to your relationship would likely be to press pause on it until your friend is ready to reach out to you. It doesn’t feel good to be told you’re an inadequate friend when you’re already having a hard time, it makes it harder to cope. Interactions like these have often prolonged my inability to be present in a friendship. That may be what’s behind your friend’s “prickly” responses. She needs patience and understanding above all things right now. This isn’t something that can be changed or controlled by her will, and coming to a place of understanding around that will likely be helpful for both of you.
“You can’t be disappointed by someone if you stop expecting them to meet a standard that they aren’t able to.”
Q.
I have had a friend crush on a particular person for YEARS now. This person comments on AS and also I’ve met them at camp briefly. How can I go from lightly internet stalking them to like, actually becoming friends?
A.
Rachel: Have you tried this!
Q.
My (straight cis male) partner is feeling jealous and resentful of the fact that I don’t generally want to bring him with me to queer places and events like Pride. Part of this is just his issues about queer spaces not being about him that he just needs to get over. However, the problem is exacerbated by the fact that we have a closeted cishet-passing friend who I go to these things with sometimes, and he doesn’t understand why they get to do things he doesn’t. How do I navigate the narrow channel between outing my friend and pissing off/confusing my partner?
A.
Natalie: So if your partner was genuinely interested in joining you at Pride because he wanted to celebrate you and your identity, I’d feel more torn about what to do in this situation, but that’s not what this sounds like. He just wants to go because you’ve told him he can’t which seems a bit petulant. I’d urge you to stand firm on your decision not to invite him along, mostly to protect your friend, but also because your boyfriend needs to learn that not all spaces are for meant for him.
Rachel: I get what you’re saying about your closeted friend and I agree about not outing them, but it feels like the core issue here is your partner not having a fundamental level of trust and respect for your choices about how to navigate your spaces and identity. I understand why he’s confused, but also I don’t think you should be in a position in the first place where you need to justify your decisions around this to him! I agree with Natalie about staying firm on your boundaries about this, and I’d also think about having a frank conversation with him where you ask him to take responsibility for doing some work on his insecurity around this. Not that it should necessarily be off the table to ever discuss with or share with you, but that his insecurities about your identity aren’t your job to soothe, they’re hi s; you deserve to have your feelings about your identity in the context of this relationship be centered, and right now they aren’t.
“…it feels like the core issue here is your partner not having a fundamental level of trust and respect for your choices about how to navigate your spaces and identity.”
Q.
My fiancee and I have been dating for 5 years and we have been engaged for 1. It’s a long distance relationship and we are planning for her to sponsor me to move to the US soon…The only issue, is she is still not out to her family. They are a very traditional, religious, Chinese american family and even though she says she wants to come out, it’s been over a year since she said she was going to and it still hasn’t happened. I’ve never pressured her, and I never will but her not coming out is stopping all our projects together, including getting married and me moving (She knows this, we’ve talked about it and she asked me to be patient) my question is… how can I help her with her coming out without pressuring her.
A.
Yvonne: Oh man, unfortunately I don’t think there’s much you can do except be patient. All you can do is be supportive of her and understand that coming out to her family might not be the best thing for her at the moment. I kept waiting for the “right time” to come out to my family and I realized that “there’s never a right time” for it. You just have to dive right in so you have to be patient with your fiancee while she figures that out. You’ve already done all the right things and you’ve talked with her about your frustrations so the ball is in her court. I understand it can be frustrating since you’re stuck at the moment so maybe you talk to a friend or therapist about your situation so you won’t add on to the guilt or pressure to your partner.
“All you can do is be supportive of her and understand that coming out to her family might not be the best thing for her at the moment.”
Q.
I have a job I like a lot but not exactly in my dream field and a fairly nice life. However, I live in boring suburbia with very few queers, although I have been building a community (mostly of Buffering fans and A-Camp friends) near me slowly over time. But I feel the call to move to my local queer hub and see what it would be like to live in a queer bubble with access to all the things that make my life feel meaningful (community, volunteering, babes, etc.). However, I would either have to commute about 2 hours each way (with possible work from home time), or leave this job and strike out a new thing. What to do? Build the life I crave where I am or start over in greener pastures?
Riese: You should move! You only kinda like your job, you know? But if you’re doing well at your job and have a nice life, then that job will probably give you a great reference to get a new job in a new place where you would have an easier time building community and more access to things that interest you than you do currently. It won’t be easy (it’s never as easy as they say it is, I lived in the bay area for five years without making any friends at all, and it turned out to just be the wrong place for me!) but I’d say start over in greener pastures.
Natalie: I agree with Riese on this one: if you feel called to move, then you should definitely move. Maybe you’ll find those greener pastures or maybe you won’t, but if you don’t explore this calling fully, you’ll always wonder “what if.”
Maybe you’ll find those greener pastures or maybe you won’t, but if you don’t explore this calling fully, you’ll always wonder “what if.”
Q.
I feel stuck in a rut. Professionally I’m progressing well in my field, personally I’m making friends and even went on some dates, but I still feel stuck. The dates have been just fine, and my job is going well but I’m not sure I really like my field anymore, but I really don’t know what to do about it. Any advice for leveraging oneself out of a rut? The longer it goes on the more it feels like it’ll never end. Thanks for the site, and all the work you do. Its existence has saved my life in the past (not an exaggeration).
A.
Yvonne: I think it’s natural to feel stuck in a rut sometimes? I think at the moment you’ve lost some spark to your job and it’s not motivating your or exciting you. What is it about your field that excited you about it in the first place? Are there long-term goals in your field that you would like to achieve? Are you on the right track to complete them? Maybe you’ve lost sight of those long-term goals and need to reevaluate and refocus on how to achieve them. If you’ve been doing that maybe there’s something within your field that you don’t know anything about and it’s time to learn a new skill or pick up a new project. If it’s your life outside of work that makes you feel stuck in a rut, maybe it’s time to change your routine. Find a new hobby, volunteer at the LGBT center, get involved in a political campaign, get out of your comfort zone. You’ve been complacent and cruising along so now it’s time to get out there!
Natalie: I agree with all of Yvonne’s advice, particularly the suggestion to find some new ground within your field to conquer. That’s been my modus operandi whenever I’ve found myself falling into a professional rut: find the thing that you don’t know and learn it. There’s something invigorating about finding new ways to challenge yourself.
That said, if you’re really not sure about your field anymore, ask yourself what you’d rather be doing. When you’ve figured out the answer to that question, find a way to invest some time and energy in doing that thing — whether it’s volunteering with a group that does that thing that you want to do or taking a class that’d help you explore that new field. Stick your toes into this new pool and see if you like it…you’ll know soon enough whether you really want to jump in.
Rachel: I agree with both Yvonne and Natalie, and would also add (although I know it sounds dumb and trite!) that it could be helpful to work on finding a passion or hobby in your free time that gives you some more fulfillment. I think trying to improve things at work is a great plan but also the truth is that when it comes to both work and dating, a lot of it is outside your control, and so finding fulfillment from those things is always going to be kind of a crapshoot, which can be frustrating! Finding a way to build consistent satisfaction and joy from something small that is in your control, even if it’s just like, Lego sets, can be really helpful.
Riese: If you don’t like your job anymore, it’s probably good for your employer AND for you that you maybe think about what else you might want to be doing and if there’s a job that sounds exciting to you outside of this one — even doing the same work but for a different employer.
“That’s been my modus operandi whenever I’ve found myself falling into a professional rut: find the thing that you don’t know and learn it.”
Q.
Hello lovely friends! Last year I ended up being referred to do three weeks at an outpatient mental health clinic after my depression got particularly bad. Before starting at the clinic, I felt the need to tell my Mom about the situation because A) I really wanted her support and B) She works in Human Resources where I work and would find out I taking time off for FMLA anyway. During our conversation, she told me that I needed to be more upfront in the future about how I was doing mentally, because me not doing so made her “look bad.” This really stung and honestly still hurts, and I’m not sure how to let it go? I know I won’t get an apology from her if I bring it up. Sorry for the long post, it’s just been on my mind a lot lately
A.
Natalie: You should talk to her (or write a letter, whichever you prefer). You should tell her your entire story, including how her reaction to the situation hurt you and continues to hurt you. You should tell her that at that moment, you needed her to be your mother, not a co-worker. You should tell her that making her “look bad” isn’t even remotely comparable to how you felt before entering the clinic. But here’s the key thing to remember: talking to her isn’t about her or the apology that you undoubtedly deserve; it’s about you taking this weight off your shoulders. That’s how you begin to let this go.
“…talking to her isn’t about her or the apology that you undoubtedly deserve; it’s about you taking this weight off your shoulders.”
Q.
I’m a bisexual Queer Christian woman married to a CIS Hetero man. Both of our parents are ultraconservative Christian but we’re Episcopalian. My friends are all on the Queer spectrum, but are atheists. My husband is supportive of me identifying as bisexual and Queer, but my friends are trying to push me away from being Christian. I live in Southwest Missouri. How can I make Queer Christian friends?
A.
Yvonne: I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you on this at the moment. But we do have an article about this being published next week. In the meantime, I hope someone in the comments has advice for you. <3
Natalie: So, I’ll offer the simplest and most obvious answer: go to church. I’m not sure where in Southwest Missouri you’re from but if you’re close to any of the cities, I’d imagine there’s an open and affirming church near you. If possible, find one with a LGBT ministry. If you’re not open to adding another church service to your Sundays, check with your local LGBT center to see if it hosts a bible study (several where I live in the South do) or if they could point you in the direction of one.
Rachel: In addition to reaching out and making connections in your community, I’d really recommend looking into LGBT Christian digital communities as well! Q Christian Fellowship has a private online community you can join; the group Queer Theology also has an online community although I believe it has a membership fee. I don’t know how many people will be specifically Episcopalian, but I believe you’re less alone than I imagine you feel.
“I’ll offer the simplest and most obvious answer: go to church.”
Q.
I just started a new job (yay!) but it’s in a windowless office (boo!). I’m in a cubicle, in a windowless office, down a windowless hallway. :-/ Aside from getting outside as often as possible for walks and fresh air (luckily there’s a beautiful outdoor space w/ plants and a fountain), what other tips do you have to make my workspace more cheerful and conducive to mental wellness? Thanks!! <3
A.
Yvonne: I would suggest making your cubicle extra cute! Get a motivational poster or like some cool art. Your cubicle is your space at work so make it the most you. If it’s possible for you financially, get yourself some fresh flowers and put them on your desk. Or get a fake plant and pretend it’s recycling oxygen for you. I work from home so sometimes my environment gets on my damn nerves and I have to leave to get any work done. Is it possible for you to work somewhere else around the office? Maybe in the lobby? Maybe if you’re doing a mundane task that doesn’t require your office equipment, you can take it outside in that outdoor space you’re talking about? I think the key to your mental health success is taking breaks and walks like you said.
Natalie: Congrats on the new gig but BOO to that new environment. I’ve done my share of time in cubicle hell so I definitely understand the need to make your workspace more cheerful. I’d recommend getting a plant that can survive in the low light like a peace lily… they’re fairly inexpensive and can brighten up a room (and purify the air). Adding pops of color around your cubicle will brighten your day and break up the cubicle’s mundane color palette. Also? Find some funny clippings…comics, political cartoons, whatever…just things that always make you laugh… and post them up on your cubicle wall. When things get too stressful, just look up at your Funnies and enjoy some moments of laughter.
Riese: Put up pictures of things that make you happy, or postcards from friends. Maybe take a picture of a window and put that on your cubicle.
“I think the key to your mental health success is taking breaks and walks like you said.”
Q.
hi, i have an incredible problem. My gf has a plentiful bosom, but i am a wee lil thing. sometimes when she’s on top i feel like i can’t breathe!! usually i just go back on top, but sometimes it’s nice to be the bottom! and i don’t think she knows i get smooshed this way. i don’t want to hurt her feelings! what to do…?
A.
Natalie: There’s no way to avoid having this conversation, friend, and while it might be awkward, I’m pretty sure you’re girlfriend wants you to be comfortable and wouldn’t want to be smooshing you. Talk to her and, if the conversation leaves her feeling a little self-conscious, let her know that you love that part of her and shower her bosom with a little extra attention (if she’s into it, maybe even buy her something that accentuates her cleavage).
Riese: Yeah there’s some trick to it I think because I’ve definitely had encounters where I feel like I cannot breathe underneath my partner and also encounters where it’s been fine despite the partner being significantly larger than the ones I could not breathe beneath. Or sometimes the same person does both! So maybe y’all need to like, try out different ways of supporting or distributing her weight when you hook up. It could be fun, like Twister.
“I’m pretty sure you’re girlfriend wants you to be comfortable and wouldn’t want to be smooshing you.”
Q.
hmmm, dang. i did NOT behave wonderfully in my last relationship. No one was hurt, but I’m pretty embarrassed. Learned a whole lot. Any advice for forgiving yourself, and mourning a relationship whose demise was essentially your own dang fault?
A.
Yvonne: Well look at it this way: you’ve acknowledged that you weren’t that great in your last relationship which takes some thoughtful introspection and guts to own up to. That shows you’ve grown as a person and learning from past mistakes is all we can hope for, you know. Don’t dwell on those negative feelings too much because then you’re just going to feel like shit and it’s harder to move on with so much guilt.
“learning from past mistakes is all we can hope for, you know.”
Q.
Hello! A call for advice, if anyone has any. I realised I was queer relatively recently and I’m very keen (*very* keen) to explore that side of myself. The problem I’m having is that I’m in a real period of transition/busy-ness with other things, and I feel like my emotional defences are dialled up to 1000. Emotional vulnerability feels really threatening, but I tend not to want to get physical with people unless I also connect with them emotionally. I’m not looking for anything serious, but any tips on how to be honest/vulnerable/open so I can have a good time exploring this while also taking care of myself?
A:
Natalie: I understand that after having had this epiphany (congrats, btw!), the urge to just get out there and explore all these new feelings can be a bit overwhelming but I think you’d be wise to wait a while before jumping in with both feet. You’ve smartly acknowledged that you want to build an emotional connection before getting intimate — a lot of people get hurt because folks don’t admit that beforehand — so it’s probably better to wait on exploration until you can invest that necessary emotional energy.
That said, in the meantime, are there other ways that you can engage with queer culture more, aside from dating? Can you volunteer at an LGBT center or start attending local events? It’d be a simple way to engage with your new community, without the emotional entanglements, before you hop into the dating pool down the road.
Q.
So… on a scale from “it’s ok, you’re gay” to “hhmmm? yiikes”, how ok is it to sorta kinda have a crush/deep love for a friend and think that “yeah maybe in 20 years things will be right for us and we’ll get together and it’ll be great!”??? Cause truth is, in this moment I wouldn’t want much of anything about our friendship to change. But I think about us being in a relationship in the future (even far future), like quite a bit. I love her!
A.
Yvonne: I’m gonna lean more towards the hmmmm (minus the yikes) spectrum because it sounds like you might want a relationship with them now? I feel like maybe you don’t want to add the pressure of wanting to be in a relationship with your friend because you don’t want things to change so you’ve created a scenario for yourself that this could maybe happen down the road and that makes you happy. It allows you to maintain your friendship with the hope that you two might end up together. And I mean, if you’re asking if that’s ok, it’s fine. But what are you waiting for? Are there other reasons why it couldn’t work out right now? Maybe it’s worth a shot now! And then you don’t have to wait 20 years.
“Maybe it’s worth a shot now!”
Q.
My wife (amab) recently came out to me as a trans lesbian and has started transitioning. I know that she has been questioning for awhile and I am so proud of her for living her truth and taking this step. I’m a millimeter from lesbian on the Kinsey scale, so everything has finally clicked for us. (The first time we had lesbian sex was pure magic, s/o to Mey for amazing resources.) I can’t wait for us to be out in the word as our authentic selves both individually and as a couple, but I am really worried about the ignorance, hatred and even violence that might be directed at us, but especially at my wife. How do we prepare for this?
A.
Natalie: It’s hard to prepare yourself to face the world’s bigotry but you and your wife are already doing the most important thing: affirming and supporting each other. Work to build a strong support system (including other trans women, if possible) around yourselves so that if/when you encounter that ignorance, you’ll have folks to lean on.
Natalie Miller, A-Camp Staff: Congratulations to the both of you as you take steps to live authentically both inside and out of your relationship! You express concerns regarding how your wife, or you both as a couple, may be treated out in the world during your wife’s transition, and that’s very understandable! As an amab queer trans woman, I remember having those very same concerns, anxieties, and fears as I began my transition. The world can be filled with the ignorance, hatred, and violence you mention above, and I spent nearly two decades of my life convinced that transitioning would cost me my family, my friends, my job, and any opportunity at love and happiness. What I’m saying is that your concerns are very real and very valid. In preparation, you can do exactly what you’re doing here: asking what others have done in similar situations, and by educating yourself. You can lean on the family (chosen or biological) and friends that have already shown you support and acceptance. You can turn to local Transgender support groups and LGBT community centers for resources. For me, it was incredibly helpful to have a support group of peers at the nearest LGBT community center who could share with me their experiences, and how they addressed these challenges. In addition to the support group, I had a few friends who I knew I could be myself with and I was confident they would unconditionally, unflinchingly have my back (Thank you forever, Molly).
We also live in the wondrous age of the internet, and if it’s something you can access, you have the opportunity to connect with other trans folks, or partners of trans individuals, from around the world! I cannot overstate how revolutionary the internet has been for facilitating connection among such a diverse, wide-spread group of people (we are everywhere and we run everything). I leaned heavily on Youtube videos and websites such as Autostraddle and Everyone Is Gay to educate myself and to see actual evidence that I wasn’t alone and that I, too, could do what these other folks have done. You both are not alone!
Lastly, I would say you can never be fully prepared for facing ignorance, hatred, and violence. There are a few people and situations in my life I was certain would have been accepting and safe, and they surprised me by not being accepting or safe. More often, though, I was surprised by people showing me kindness, acceptance, and understanding in places I would never have expected it. It’s smart and prudent to be prepared for these very real issues, and that can be paralyzing at times. allow yourself to believe that good, even great, things can come from this change.
“It’s hard to prepare yourself to face the world’s bigotry but you and your wife are already doing the most important thing: affirming and supporting each other. “
Q.
I AM A TRANSMASCULINE PERSON ATTRACTED TO OTHER TRANSMASCULINE PEOPLE, WILL I BE ALONE FOREVER
A.
Archie, Cartoonist: NOPE NO YOU WON’T! The first time I dated and broke up with a masculine-of-center partner I was 100% sure I would never find someone who was transmasc who’d be into me (I’m somewhere on that transmasc scale) and boy howdy, I was very wrong. You’ll be fine. I recommend downloading Scruff if ya haven’t already!
“You’ll be fine!”
Q.
Hey there! Could you guys do an article on how to dress queer at work? Particularly for people who aren’t waif thin and still want to dress androgynously? I feel like I see the same images and style over and over, where a very thin woman with short hair wears ankle pants, a button up, and oxfords. What if you have curves! Button ups are hard! Anything would be great. Thanks y’all <3
A.
Vanessa: Once upon a time, in 2013, Gabrielle Korn (who is now the very first lesbian Editor in Chief of Nylon magazine so you know she’s very stylish!) wrote a column for Autostraddle called Lez Get Dressed For Work and I think perusing those archives might be a good place to start! My personal style is pretty femme, especially in the workplace, so I tend to rely on ModCloth and Old Navy for my workwear, but I googled “fat androgynous work clothes” for you and found this great list on Qwear titled 9 Plus Size Cuties Share Tips for Androgynous Style and it’s full of outfits that look like they could work for work (and also full of cuties, bonus)! Hopefully this will hold you over until we put together the Autostraddle Guide To Cute Queer Fashion For The Workplace For All Bodies, Not Just Thin Ones, which is a dream I didn’t know I had but I sure do now!
Riese: Here’s a thing on Plus-Size Pants/Suits, here’s some Dapper Plus-Size Sewing Projects, here’s The Femme Boi Tired of Translating Masculine Looks For Fat Bodies, here are 3 Tips for Mastering Button-Down Shirts When You’re Busty. Also Asos has a lot of plus-size stuff for men and for women that could work — if button-ups are hard, you could try polos! I think Mika’s Find Your Fit column is probably a good place to start, you can see what you like and then find equivalent looks on asos or wildfang. Here’s some inspo.
Hopefully this will hold you over until we put together the Autostraddle Guide To Cute Queer Fashion For The Workplace For All Bodies, Not Just Thin Ones,
Q.
My girlfriend and I just broke up. I really, truly, deeply loved her and I didn’t want this to end. I feel so empty and alone. But more than that, I’m 29 (she was 30), and I’m starting to feel like I just don’t even know where to meet women to date at this age. I’ve got to take some time to heal from this, but I know eventually I want a partner. I don’t love going out to bars. I don’t love dating apps. What’s a 29 year old to do? I feel hopeless. I want a partner, kids, and a home and life together and it feels like I’m desperately losing time.
A.
Molly, Staff Writer: Hello, my name is Molly, I’m 33 years old, and at age 32 I got a divorce from the person I’d been in a monogamous relationship with for 11 years at that point. It wasn’t my idea, the split, and I really truly thought it was going to kill me. I was quite convinced no one would ever want me except her, and she didn’t, so what was the point of me?
It’s a shitty place to be, pal. Really shitty. I’m sorry you’re there. But, as with most everything we panic about, I wasn’t seeing reality clearly due to mind-numbing loss, and I doubt you can see it clearly, either.
First of all! This rejection is going to be the worst one. You hear me? This will be the hardest one. You wanted your partner badly, you wanted that life, and you went all in, and it just — didn’t work out. It ended and you feel it in every cell of your being, screaming at you. But you’re going to survive it. I can only tell you this because I survived it, even when it felt like I was drowning in fire somehow.
When my relationship ended, all I could see on my horizon was pain and sadness and grief. It’s not a fucking joy to look forward to, I tell you what. However, knowing that these were going to be my constant companions for a while allowed me to really see those feelings and deal with them. That’s the important part right now, for you — see your hurt and pain and give yourself a chance to heal.
Because everything you want, the family, the future, it’s all dependent on you being a whole person to partner with another whole person who wants to be with you. And right now it might not feel like it, but other people DO want to be with you. It sounds wild to hear it so concretely and confidently, trust me I know, but your heart and mind and soul will connect with others again. You just need to give yourself the time and grace to realize it’s gonna sting for a while, and taking care of yourself is the best wingperson move you can make for yourself as you prepare for your future.
Reneice: Molly covered the healing process advice perfectly and beautifully so i’m just here to say that when you’re ready you should come to A-Camp! A whole lot of incredible, smart, funny, sexy, single women in your age group go to camp too and it could be juuuust what you want and need!
“This rejection is going to be the worst one. You hear me? This will be the hardest one.”
Q.
How can I disseminate sexual tension with a friend? She and I are/were good friends, let’s call her G, I was attracted to her but she and a different friend of mine starting dating. She let me know she wasn’t interested in me and we went back to friends. Those friends of mine broke up after a month or so, and my friendship with G went back to normal. Until one night G apologized for being flirtatious when we were hanging out, which I didn’t think she was. It’s been weird ever since because we talked and it seems like we have mutual attraction for each other but it’s not a good idea for anything to happen. I’m not sure what I want as far as a relationship, monogamy, etc. and G has had a rough year with emotionally unavailable people. But I find myself daydreaming about us in a relationship and it seems like we give each other longer and longer hugs so….who knows. Any advice?
A.
Reneice: Hot take: be direct and talk to her about it again! It sounds like a lot has changed since you last checked in, and either way it would be good to have more clarity. Either you find out feelings/desires for more than friendship still aren’t mutual or on the table and know for sure to proceed with friendship only, or you find out you both wanna make out and you go ahead and do it! I always strive for the path of clarity because ambiguity makes brains and daydreams get reeeeally complicated. It sounds like your friendship is solid enough to recover and thrive regardless of the outcome of the conversation, so I say just have it. And tell me if you end up making out :).
Hot take: be direct and talk to her about it again!
Q.
I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. My husband was raised Mormon. I’m sandwiched between two toxic religions. I love being a Queer Christian, but it’s hard for me not to lean on toxic self-hating doctrine. It’s tearing me apart. It’s been five years since I left Jehovah’s Witnesses behind me. My mom and sister shun me for leaving the Church. My in-laws are very passive aggressive about me joining theirs… how can I love my Queer self and still feel like God loves me for me? What resources are there?
A.
Natalie: I’m sorry you’re going through this friend but I promise you, there are places out there that can affirm all of you and I’m excited for you start engaging with them. Audrey’s written about Our Bible, a progressive worship app that offers, among other things, devotionals that affirm all types of identities that have been marginalized by the Church. Download that to your phone so anytime you’re tempted to lean on that toxic self-hating doctrine, you have those affirmations at your fingertips. You can also tap into other online networks like Believe Out Loud or Q Christian Fellowship for additional resources or, of course, check out Autostraddle’s archive of Christianity posts.
But the most important thing you can do for yourself? Find an open and affirming church (via gaychurch.org) that ministers to all your spiritual needs.
“…there are places out there that can affirm all of you and I’m excited for you start engaging with them.”
Q.
I’m about to start my third year as a PhD student. It’s the year when we have to defend our dissertation proposal and apply to a bunch of grants to give us money for research. I love what I do — I love reading and writing and teaching young people how to think critically. But lately I have been feeling totally crushed by the politics of academia. My project is about the history of lesbians in France, and though I am 100% committed to this project and believe it is hugely important, I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately from (straight, male) advisors to the tune of “why should we care about this project? How can you prove to us that it’s not ‘just’ about lesbians?” For a while I thought their questions were valid, and that they were encouraging me to consider the broader significance of my work. But right now I’m just really tired and sad and I wish I didn’t have to always defend not only the importance of my project, but by extension, the importance of my own identity and life. Basically I’m tired of trying to prove to people that I deserve to have a history I can relate to. Before this year I never doubted that I had something to contribute to academia — and something, one day, to teach my students. But after what I’ve been dealing with over the past few months I’m worried that finishing this PhD is going to come at too high a cost. How do I drown out these voices telling me that my work doesn’t matter? How do I stay strong through this process so my students can one day have a badass queer professor to look up to?
A.
Reneice: Unhelpful advice: Tell all those professors that the reason they don’t understand “why they should care about this project” is the reason you’ll be taking their job someday.
Rachel: I’m not sure how feasible you’ll find this idea, but the healthiest thing I can think of for you in this situation is to try to actively let go of these voices and these male advisors’ opinion as much as possible. I know this isn’t like, particularly easy given that they are your advisors and their opinion is in some ways fairly crucial, but I think the most functional thing to do here might be to try to treat your relationship with them like a job where you do the bare minimum to get through the day. I don’t mean give up on the value of your project; I mean let go of the idea of them seeing the value of your project, and try your hardest to make your project what you know it can be while appeasing them only to the extent that you have to to get by. I know it isn’t the same thing, but my grad school experience was in a writing MFA, and it was so frustrating to be in workshops with men who would consistently give feedback about not being able to understand or like my female characters, or just not “getting” motivations or themes having to do with women’s experiences and lives — it was exhausting and demoralizing trying to contort myself and bend over backwards to make what I cared about seem valuable and legible to them. My life and work got both easier and better when I stopped trying to entirely, and clarified who my audience was and whose opinion on my work I actually cared about (not theirs) and instead listened to the criticism of people who saw and valued what I was interested in (in this case, women). Again, I know that in your case these men are your supervisors/superiors and the idea of just not listening to them is different, but I’d still urge you to try to re-allocate your sense of purpose and support with this project to other people, whether they’re peers in academia or queer women outside it. Graduate study is hard and draining enough; setting realistic expectations about it and not trying to squeeze blood from a stone and instead keeping your eye on what’s most important to you makes it a little easier.
“…the healthiest thing I can think of for you in this situation is to try to actively let go of these voices and these male advisors’ opinion as much as possible. “
Q.
Hi! I am so excited to have joined A+! I’m a short soft butch and my favourite (now no longer made) men’s undershirts are reaching the end of their days. I am having trouble finding new shirts that are not ridiculously long. Women’s tank tops feel like tank tops and don’t fit what I am looking for. Do you have any suggestions on where I can find men’s undershirts that fit my gender but also my body? Queer Eye told me that only old men wear undershirts, but they didn’t account for the twenty-something soft butch demographic. With love, Jess
A.
Yvonne: I’m not a soft butch but I have a MOC friend who actually cuts her shirts to fit her at the right length. She’s probably like 5’2″ and shops in the men’s section and cuts the hem of button-ups, sweatshirts, shirts. The frayed hem works with her aesthetic. I’m sure it could work for undershirts. I bet if you take them to a local seamstress they could hem it properly for an affordable price. I mean, it’s not a perfect solution, I know you’re probably looking for brand recommendations but sometimes you gotta work with what capitalism gives you.
CUT THEM
Q.
Two questions: What should masculine of center ppl wear during sexy time if lingerie isn’t gendercomfy? How to strapons for ppl that strapons don’t fit around?
A.
Archie: oh wow there’s a lot! I personally just think underwear on its own is hot, try Tomboy X or RodeoH for ones with good fits and good prints. Otherwise, try shopping on gay men’s underwear websites for different styles, because there is a lot out there! Why not some sexy leather underwear with a front zipper! And have you HEARD of jock straps? God bless jock straps worn during sex. On that note, a wrestling singlet is great too. Or harnesses! I think remembering that most clothing can feel like lingerie if worn with confidence.
Also! Are you having a hard time finding a strap on that fits? Because Autostraddle has articles about that, and I’d check out SpareParts for a company that has a lot of different styles in a lot of different sizes.
Riese: Yeah we have written a lot on this topic! I think just underpants are sexy on girls of any gender presentation.
Try shopping on gay men’s underwear websites for different styles, because there is a lot out there!
Q.
I’m kind of trying to figure out my whole identity at the age of 33 and with two kids in tow. I’ve got an alternative lifestyle haircut and more masculine clothes, which are making me feel much better, but I think I need to change my nickname. My name is Alicia, with family calling me Alice and friends calling me Lissy. I don’t want to go for Alex because every other person seems to be Alex, but I do want something a bit more gender neutral. Is AJ suitable? Or am I too old for that? Suggestions welcome. Thanks! X
A.
Yvonne: For the record, I don’t think you’re too old for AJ! It’s got a nice ring to it. I’m offering Al as a suggestion because I think it’s a pretty cool name and I got the idea from Autostraddle Al. (Hi, Al!)
Q.
This doesn’t necessarily pertain to just queer romantic relationships, but all romantic relationships, I suppose. I feel like whenever someone is talking about a potential romantic partner but says that they could never date them because said potential romantic partner doesn’t have a strong enough relationship with god, doesn’t go to church, etc. everyone accepts that as reasonable justification for not further pursuing someone. But when I, a not at all religious person, feel the opposite of that (i.e. thinking “I don’t think I could date this person because of the strong role religion plays in their life”) I feel like an asshole. Why is that? Am I an asshole for thinking things like that? No one has ever directly (or indirectly, for that matter) really made me feel like a bad person on the rare occasion I have expressed those thoughts around friends, but for some reason it seems like a shitty thing to say. So am I an asshole for not wanting to date someone because they are more religious than me?
A.
Riese: I… honestly don’t know why you feel like that’s a shitty thing to say! I think it’s fine. Maybe there is like a societal stigma against atheism or agnosticism and so it’s like, “religious” is the good thing to be or … I mean, there’s a lot of political stuff that happens that definitely delivers the message that religious people are the most important people who deserve the most protection and rights, so. Maybe that’s why? But you’re okay, basically, is all.
Hi Short Soft Butch! Maybe try looking in the children’s section (boys?) of a shop like H&M. I’m also very short and I often buy basics like t-shirts/strap tops, sometimes even cardigans from H&M kids – a lot of the basics are exactly the same styles as the ones in the adult section but are shorter so fit me better. Plus they’re cheaper because in the UK children’s clothes don’t have VAT! I don’t know about undershirts but maybe that’s something that they make for children/boys too?
Re being visibly queer at straight people weddings: DO ITTTT! HAVE FUN! If anyone does have anything to say about it _they_ are the person causing a scene, and probably no one will say anything about it. After much deliberation I dressed extra gay for a wedding where I am pretty damn sure I was the _only_ queer person there and I only knew a few people and had reason to assume there would be lots of conservative people there, and it was sooooo much better than being invisible!!! There was a moment where I thought these two women were a queer couple and I was so excited but nope they were sisters in law.
@owl I’m so sorry that’s happening to you and, under those circumstances, I definitely would not offer that same advice. Weddings are about celebrating love where people are fully seen…and anything less than that is offensive to everyone there and an antithesis to what the day should be about. If I were in your shoes, I’d explain the situation again…not for the sake of the wedding but for the sake of your relationship afterwards because she’s basically outing herself as someone who doesn’t understand your identity, even as she feigned support, and that will linger beyond her wedding day.
If she still doesn’t grasp the harm that misgendering you would cause, I’d say decline her invitation to participate in the wedding.
“You think only an idiot would like you, so as soon as they stop liking you, you stop thinking that they’re an idiot.” Ouch. That one got me.
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In other news! Person working in a cubicle, I can strongly and enthusiastically recommend undersea exploration livestream webcam situations (check nautiluslive.org). I played them a lot when I had to do very boring tasks and needed something to look at, and I have two computer screens so I can let them play on my second screen. It’s like having a submarine window you can change whenever you like and it’s got weird animals.
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P.S. Laneia, every time I use “situation” like this I remember you posting that Eli thought it was hilarious when his teacher used the word in a normal sentence and it lightens my heart a bit.
@Reneice, I really appreciate your perspective on making adjustments to expectations for friends with mental illnesses that make it hard for them to show up. My wife definitely has problems with that at times. I’ve gotten to where I can add a modifier to her statements in my head most of the time, that she’ll do the thing that she said she would do if she’s able. And I try to have contingency plans in place and other supports for myself. Sometimes I have to take a step back for my own mental well being. Like so many things in life it’s a balancing act. And I don’t always get it right, and sometimes I get frustrated, but I know we’re both trying our best.
I definitely took Reneice’s advice to heart re my partner w mental health struggles as well, and now will be borrowing this little internal modifier, too! My partner and I have negotiated a few statements that serve similar purposes sometimes, but this one seems really powerful as the partner/friend to remind myself that it’s also on me to modify expectations. thank you.
I’m so glad that you found it helpful! It can be so tricky as I work hard to make sure that I mean what I say and that I follow through, and most of the times I have enough spoons/energy that I can. When my wife says she plans on joining us for coffee in the morning it means that she wants to join us, and she really hopes that she will join us, but ultimately she may or may not be able to join us.
Hello Not-Alex, possibly AJ or Al! I have a similar-but-not-quite first name (that nobody can pronounce! I HATE IT!) with Jordan as my middle name so I’m an occasional AJ. I’m 31 and think it’s fine! I’ve considered Lee and don’t think it’s for me, but perhaps you may like it.
re: non-religious angst- Yeah, fuggedaboutit. I think believing in magic beings is silly (I feel the burden of proof is on them, not on me). With that being said, many people I like and respect are religious, but they don’t shove it in my face (reclaiming some anti-queer bigotry, there) or use their beliefs as a measuring stick of someone’s worthiness for potential partners/friends. I could date someone like that. But I would not get along with a person for which religion (organized or not) is their major driver. It’s a fundamental “do we share the same values?” factor in connecting with someone. No different than my “not wanting to go there” with conservatives/libertarians/anarchists, children wanters, or UNC-Chapel Hill fans (kidding about that last one. Sort of). Of course, there might be the dream person out there for you who loves themselves some Jesus, but I think it’s okay to have religiousness on the “turn-off” list, but be open to the possibility of surprise. But maybe I’m just a cranky jerk.
re: Trying to not go too gently into that good night- I envy your ability to have that open conversation with your significant other. I have always had stronger sexual desires than my wife, and we are 10 years into our relationship and after seemingly hundreds of talks, books, fights, and I’m at my wits end. As much as I ask her to at least try to be intimate with me, it is a struggle. Maybe I should start doing that research too and consider having the discussion. I just don’t know what to do at this point… And I feel the same, I don’t want a relationship, I just want a hookup where I can express myself sexually and then be done with it. I don’t even know where to start though!
And on another note, I am in my 30s and would totally be interested in someone in their 50s for a hookup :)
To the person who’s mom said they needed to be more upfront about their mental health because not doing so made her “look bad,” first, I’m so sorry. That was an awful thing for her to say. I really like Natalie’s advice about talking to your mom, not for the apology, but just to take the weight off your shoulders.
I would just add that if telling her your entire story feels safe, go for it, but if not, that is totally valid. What your mom said makes it sound like, at least in that moment, she was prioritizing her preferences/comfort over your boundaries and well-being. If this is a pattern with her and/or you don’t feel safe sharing more with her about your own experiences with depression, just share what feels right to you.
For myself, I’ve sometimes found that “letting go” partly means giving myself permission to hold onto a little bit of my anger, in the sense that A) it makes sense that I feel hurt by what happened and B) it makes sense that what happened informs what kind of boundaries I want to set with this person moving forward. I’ve found that when I’m setting the boundaries that feel right for me, it’s easier for me to then also remember the things I do appreciate about a person and enjoy the time I spend with them. But if that doesn’t resonate with you, please feel free to disregard :)
In any case, I’m sending supportive energy your way <3
Hey PhD 3rd year! Academia can be a beast. I got my PhD in biology a few years ago and want to validate the general difficulty of constantly justifying your project and putting your work up for assessment. I can only imagine how much more intense it is with the personal connection of your diss topic. The best advice I have is to talk to other folks about what you’re dealing with and what you’re thinking. Once I started talking to (friendly) grads in my department I got a better handle on which profs were just dicks and I could write off. I was also surprised at how many of us had overlapping challenges outside the research (but that’s a whole different mental health convo). I don’t know how you feel about Twitter, but I truly wish I was on Twitter early in my grad career. The openness that PhD students, postdocs and young profs talk about struggles in academia, deciding whether to stay or pursue non-ac careers, and navigating and changing toxic cultures is so refreshing. Also, there’s a vibrant queer academic community on Twitter :) I’m more than happy to chat more!
So much here!
Going gently into the night, I also am in a long-term monogamous sexually-mismatched gig, and we had had a few discussions about opening things up recently. I have also dipped my toe in apps. I’m in my late 30s and had 18 year olds do that, and I feel super uncomfortable about it. I guess it just has to do with your own comfort level. They are consenting adults etc… so why not? I personally can’t deal with the vast majority of younger people as I have strapped myself with too many responsibilities for my entire adult life and I don’t even know how to carry on a conversation with anyone under 30. Plus I have kids so what else do I even talk about. Also I share your sentiment about animal faces though I do admit they are good entertainment for kiddos (see: previous statement).
Nickname person: pick what you like! Although it is a bit of an uphill battle to do this as an adult it is 100% worth it, in my experience. I’m super happy I pushed for people to call me another name when I was in my 20s. Heck, make up something! This is your life and your name.
Person with windowless office: ROck yourself a cubicle terrarium! <3
Like a glass enclosure with plants growing in it and a light on top. Omg now I want one, hahah. You could put a cute snail or like a frog in there and have a little office pal.
Oh yes and “only old men wear undershirts” WTF this is not true at all. Sorry Queer Eye gonna have to disagree with you on this one.
I wear undershirts with my buttondowns and I am neither old nor male, so +1 here.
@PhD student: I feel you! I am in your boat! What are you studying specifically? PM me if you want to brainstorm :)
@the person dealing with a friend with mental health issues, your friend sounds very similar to my best friend, who I’ve know since birth and who has been dealing with really heavy mental health issues for most of her life. Here are some things I do to both support her, and take care of myself at the same time.
– As has been said by Reniece and a few people above, the biggest thing I’ve done is changed my expectations. When we make plans, I recognize that she may very well bail last minute or not show up at all. When I text her, I know I might not get an answer for a few hours or even days, and that’s okay. Knowing these are possibilities in advance makes it easier when and if they do happen.
– One of the major things I do is that when we DO make plans, I very deliberately make plans that will be easier for her to be able to keep. We go out for weekend brunch or lunch, always within walking distance of her house, and always late-morning or early afternoon, because I know she has trouble sleeping a lot of the time and early mornings are really hard for her. Weekends are also good because I won’t usually have other plans, so if she’s late, or needs to push it back a few hours, it’s no trouble. And we never do anything that requires a lot of travel, or advance planning, like buying tickets or making reservations. Another thing we do together a lot is bingewatch tv shows. Usually, this is a solitary activity, but by doing it together, we get to spend relaxed, no-pressure time together. It’ll usually be her house, so she can sleep in, and stay in her pajamas, and we’ll just Ubereats some food, and there will go 8-12 hours.
– If I’ve texted her, and I haven’t heard from her in a while, and I’m starting to get worried, or upset, I’ll check her twitter. Usually, if she’s having a particularly hard time, she’ll be talking about it on twitter, because that’s just what she does. So if it’s been a week and she hasn’t responded to my “want to get together on sunday?” text, and I look at twitter and see a thread from 4am the previous day, I’ll just reply tweet something like “Love you, don’t worry about my text, msg me back when you’re able” or just keep it simple with a series of heart emojis. This way, she knows that I’ve seen the thread, I relieve the guilt I know she’s feeling about not texting me back, and I let her know that I’m not waiting for her to respond, which can relieve the anxiety of having to do that as well. Obviously, this piece of advice is very particular to my friend, but maybe yours does something similar?
To the person who feels shitty about not wanting to date strongly religious people – I’m with you! I have totally skipped over profiles on dating apps because of religion. I used to feel a little guilty about it, but I don’t anymore. Mostly because religion isn’t a hard stop for me – I could still date a religious person, I just think I’m less likely to be compatible with very religious people. It sounds like religion isn’t a hard stop for you either- you write “I don’t think I could date this person because of the strong role religion plays in their life.” To me, this sounds like you are trying to make wise relationship decisions based on your knowledge of yourself, rather than arbitrarily dismiss an entire subset of people, so please don’t be so hard on yourself!
Thanks for responding to the first question re: sex/attraction between different body types. Unlearning fatphobia is a hell of a journey. I recently heard an author explain how difficult it is for people to see themselves physically change, and how we can get one picture of ourselves stuck in our brain and then experience major cognitive dissonance when we see a reflection of ourselves that doesn’t align with it. Virgie Tovar’s “You Have the Right to Remain Fat” is slowly dismantling my internalized fatphobia and helping me to regain my confidence.
Coming in a bit late to this, but to the PhD student studying lesbians in France, I echo the other comment above—I’d love to talk about your research if you ever read this! I’m starting my third year of a program, too, but my program’s normative time is like 7 years so I’m still in coursework and haven’t gotten to that fully fledged stage of research yet. But my project is going to be about early 20th-century German lesbian literature, and if that ain’t niche as all hell, I don’t know what is. I haven’t gotten much pushback *yet* but I’m definitely anticipating it, and I only recently started bluntly summarizing my research this way. I used to be more vague, like that I was studying “gender and sexuality” in 20th-century German lit, but truly, all I care about is lesbians. Power to you! We deserve to study and make visible our history and the history that matters to us, and especially to teach it to the youth.