Welcome to the 37th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.)

Today, we’re talking about dating, this summer of 2021 even! Have tips you want to share? We hope you will in the comments!

This is a THEMED A+ Advice Box, and the theme is DIVORCE! The next theme will be FASHION, so get your fashion, styling, shoe, hair, etc. questions ready for the team, and don’t forget to submit them via the A+ Priority Contact Box by Monday July 5th, 2021! Thank you!

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

My divorce was finalized 365 days ago, today is my one year divorce-iversary. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I’d say I’m still pretty buried under all the rubble. Over the past year and some change, I’ve done an obnoxious amount of soul searching, spent many dollars on therapy, gone to support groups, and read seemingly endless books with titles like “You Too Can Recover from Divorce,” all to help me reach the conclusion that I really am better off on my own than with someone who isn’t in a relationship for the right reasons. Intellectually, I understand that. My ex had issues that no amount of my love could have solved. And she fell in love with her co-worker by accident. Oopsie Doopsie. I understand that in some alternative universe, she could have made better choices, our marriage could have been saved, and I could be sitting here, still married, but just as unhappy. We humans are v bad at knowing what will actually make us happy, blah, blah, blah. I get it. On the surface, I’m thriving with this knowledge. Ask anyone, they’ll all tell you how great I’m doing and how strong I’ve been.

Emotionally, I’m still just sad. I am grateful for my close relationships, but I miss having a person. I miss the closeness and safety of a relationship. I miss date nights and watering the plants while she fills the bird feeders. I miss sex. I miss all of it, the messy and mundane and mostly wonderful pieces of having a person. However, I am massively intimidated by the idea of trying to date someone, anyone else. This is a lot of baggage to try to explain and I don’t know how to tell someone that I’m the sad divorced girl without telling them that I’m the sad divorced girl. How do you tell someone that you have no idea how emotionally available you actually are? How do you deal with the guilt of not being totally over it before “getting back out there”? I would just keep waiting, but a combination of intuition, Thought Catalog instagram posts, and goading friends is telling me that part of healing is “getting back out there”. How do I do that without causing massive collateral damage? Do I just print my story on a tshirt and let people decide if they want to deal with it? Do I lure them in with my incredible taste in TikToks and then dump my history on them after it’s too late and they’ve fallen for my charms? It seems like most people on dating apps have this toxic expectation that you must be Fully Healed before interacting with them and I just don’t know if I’ll ever actually get over this pain. And to be honest, I don’t know that I’d want to. It’s part of who I am now, and I need any future person of mine to understand that. Does that person exist?? Or is this completely unreasonable and I need to go back for more divorce therapy until I can listen to our favorite musical soundtracks without getting sad? I just feel like I don’t know anything anymore and I used to very much enjoy knowing the things. I realize these questions may be overly existential/rhetorical in nature, but any advice you can offer in the area of getting over myself would be much appreciated.

Much love,
Sad Divorced Girl

A:

Kayla: First of all: If you’re ready to date, you’re ready to date! But I’m a little unclear on whether you actually want to get back out there or if you’re just feeling pressure to get back out there from the goading friends and Thought Catalog instagram posts. And I also think that it’s important to keep in mind that “getting back out there” looks a lot different than some of the intimacy that you’re craving/missing. You’re missing a marriage, and while dating might lead to something more long-term/committed, it’s not going to feel like what you’re describing right away (“watering the plants while she fills the bird feeders” etc). But! I think this could actually be a good reminder for yourself, because it will make it less likely for you to immediately compare dating someone new to your marriage. It’s going to feel different, and it should. As for when to talk to someone about your relationship history, there’s no exact timeline that works for every situation. It’s totally okay to go on a couple of dates with someone and say something like “I was married before, and it didn’t end well” without having to get into all the details. Or even just saying “I’m divorced” and not getting into any details at all! You’re not tricking someone by not immediately disclosing your relationship history. But if you end up seeing someone a little more seriously, it’s going to be something you’ll probably want to talk about, especially because it sounds like the divorce is still impacting you significantly. There are absolutely people out there who will not be scared off by this information. So many people carry so much relationship baggage, and it’s absolutely unreasonable to expect everyone to enter a relationship from a place of complete and total healing. That said, it’s also probably best not to do a bunch of post-divorce emotional processing on a first, second, or third date. Feel it out. Feel free to not answer any questions or to answer them with few details in the beginning. You have to set boundaries for yourself. It’s understandable that you’re still feeling sad about your divorce, especially since it sounds like there was a betrayal involved. And I also think it’s great that you’ve decided that, for you, the healing process does NOT look like being totally over it and instead acknowledging the loss while still moving forward. That’s a great approach to healing imo, because it doesn’t put pressure on you to never get sad. It’s okay to get sad! It’s okay to be sad about the past while still moving forward in the present. If you think you’re ready to date, then go on and date! Just don’t enter it thinking that you’re immediately going to find a long-term partner. See how dating makes you feel, and go from there.

Vanessa: I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work, and are continuing to do a lot of work, on healing and centering yourself and figuring out what the right things for you are to make peace with this new version of you, so I’m not going to focus on any of that. I’m going to focus on your question — when and how am I ready to date / can I date before I’m “healed” / what the heck is up with dating? I’ll start by saying I’ve never been divorced, but I have gone through multiple Big Breakups and also my dad died six months ago and it’s really shifted my ability to ever think of myself as someone who one day won’t be sad, so that’s where this advice is coming from.

I think you’re making things too complicated. It’s completely fine to just get out there and see what happens. I’m currently partnered and open, and since most people in my city are now vaccinated I’ve slowly been making my way back onto the dating apps. At first I really struggled to figure out how to present myself because the truth is I am so sad about my dad I feel like I will never recover, and also, I don’t wanna tell a bunch of strangers who I may or may not end up having sex with about my dead dad as the opener to our conversations. I set myself free when I realized… I don’t have to tell anyone anything I don’t want to. Make a dating profile and be honest about who you are: someone with great taste in TikToks, who likes to water their garden, and is a little unsure about what they’re looking for right now and how emotionally available they are. We’re all adults here — people will make their own decisions about if they want to go on a date with you. It’s not lying to not mention your divorce; boundaries are our best friends, and it’s totally possible to create healthy and honest boundaries around your thoughts and emotions while still being upfront and honest with dates.

The other thing I want to point out is that the older we get, the more experiences we collect. Some might call this “baggage” but I’ve taken to literally thinking of it as the price of growing up. Of course when I was 23 I didn’t have any major dating trauma — I’d barely dated anyone! As I experienced life more, I started to have a more complicated history. That’s fine. A close friend was recently telling me how challenging it is for her that her current partner is still good friends with their ex-wife, but how she knows it’s just part of dating a grown up. It would be more upsetting if they’d cut off contact with their ex of 15 years once they fell out of romantic love, you know, she asked me, and I did know, and I agreed. All of which is to say — there’s no magic answer here. You don’t even HAVE to start dating again, although I think it would be fun for you and you might find your friends are right, it’s nice to have a distraction even while still sad. My main advice — I’ve said quite a bit, I know, forgive me — is don’t overthink it. Make some dating profiles, go on some dates. See what feels appropriate and good to share, don’t feel like you have to share everything. Be honest about how available you are. Kiss some new people. Be honest with yourself about how it feels. One day you’ll be on a date with someone and you’ll both share the experiences you’ve had while growing up that have taken you to that very moment, and it will feel good, and you’ll go from there. I’m rooting for you.

Rachel: I agree with the answers from Kayla and Vanessa, and also want to suggest gently that you maybe are engaging in a little bit of binary thinking here, where you are a Mess and Not Okay and everyone else in the dating pool is Healed and you are inflicting yourself on them. In reality, there’s every chance that the person you go on a date with is also a sad divorced girl, or widowed, or whose parent has just died, or just gotten a life-changing diagnosis. In general, other people have more baggage than we assume, not less, and you’re never the only ~*damaged*~ person in the room. In my experience dating as a divorced person, while I did come across some people who were weird about it (first prize to the person who just said “wow, I don’t know what to say to that,”) actually a lot of people were… also divorced! It can take some of the stakes and drama out of the story you’re telling yourself to start dating again and realize that. The reality is that most of us also are not 100% sure what we want, or even if we are, it changes! You aren’t uniquely failing in this regard.

Another thing I’m thinking about from your question is what set of tools you have to navigate your sad divorce feelings, both for your own wellness and for future dates. It’s great that you’re in therapy! It also sounds like maybe you’re being overwhelmed by sadness and while analyzing won’t solve your feelings, having some clarity around what needs and values your feelings point to can be helpful. When I got divorced, I was really sad even though I had initiated it; I had to work through my feelings and realize that even though I didn’t want to be in that relationship, I did want the things I thought I was getting when I got married, like a stable shared life and domestic intimacy and shared group of friends and chosen family. It was helpful to let myself grieve those things specifically, and allow myself to decide to want them in rather than being stuck in vague sadness forever. You’ve done a great job talking through your feelings here, but I’m wondering if you can start thinking about your divorce sadness in terms of what it tells you about your wants & needs more broadly outside your marriage. Does your sadness about not having A Person mean you want to look for someone who’s monogamous and devoted to your needs in a new relationship? Does missing the safety of a relationship mean that you would want some pretty upfront communication from a new partner about their availability? You don’t have a responsibility to make your feelings legible to a new person if you don’t want to, but working on making them legible to yourself as much as possible could be really helpful in getting your needs met!

Nicole: I don’t think it’s possible to both exist in the world and be fully healed, honestly. We’re all always going to be coping with the past, mourning losses, hurt by others, but healthy coping is a great thing to strive for! It’s also okay to be sad about legitimately sad things! You don’t have to force positivity.  Like Rachel said so eloquently above, everyone carries their own baggage. The most important thing is to know what’s going on with yourself and to have a good handle on understanding the feelings you’re feeling so that you can be as fair to other people when you’re dating as possible. (In other words, not wrapping them into something that really has to do with your ex. However, it sounds like you’re taking care of yourself and like you have a handle on this.) As another divorced person, can also confirm that it’s oddly common to be divorced and that you will meet friends and dates who are also divorced! For the most part, I’ve found that people don’t really care if you tell them you’re divorced on a date, especially if it’s a queer person. You’re allowed to have lived a life prior to a first date, prior to anything really. I hope that you find someone or some someones to go on dates with who has also lived a life, and that you’re able to mutually affirm and see each other. Sending good thoughts your way, and as someone who also has not found a solution to that cannot-listen-to-that-music-anymore problem, I’d love to hear if anyone’s discovered a way past that!

Q2:

Hi team, this is for June’s divorce-themed A+ advice box. I split up amicably with my spouse of 5 years a couple of months ago. It was mainly because I wasn’t in love with them, but also I’m 30 and I’d been single for two months since age 17 and was tired of the couple life, and I discovered my bisexuality while we were together and I wanted to try dating women. Now that I’m single, part of me wants to be on my own for a while and enjoy the freedom and learn who I am without a partner (the part my friends think I should listen to), but at the same time I’m impatient to try being with women after waiting so long. I’m not really a casual sex person; ideally I think I’d love a FWB to explore things without a romantic commitment, but I worry it would turn romantic and I really don’t want that mess at the moment. Should I swear off everything for a certain amount of time? Feel it out as I go and hope it doesn’t blow up? Just try to meet more queer people in general?

A:

Meg: Congratulations on the amicable split, and on finding yourself newly single! I’m inclined to agree with your friends that the part of you that is craving being single for a time is a good one to listen to — I think there’s so much value in learning to be comfortably alone, in navigating the world on your own terms, in spending time considering what you want from relationships and communities and partnerships, particularly on the heels of a lengthy commitment. That being said, I definitely understand the desire to sleep with someone new, and I think spending time thinking about the ways that you are and are not interested in having casual sex might be helpful for you. What makes friends-with-benefits more appealing to you than having casual sex with a stranger? Do you have someone in mind that you would be comfortable exploring with? How comfortable are you with setting boundaries around emotional intimacy? What would feel like a romantic commitment to you, and what are some ways that you could keep yourself from falling into a pattern that you aren’t ready for? There are absolutely ways to hook up or hang out that don’t have to turn into a serious relationship, and I really feel like Vanessa’s brilliant piece on casual dating (or her equally brilliant piece on hooking up with friends) might be just what you need.

Kayla: I also am inclined to agree with your friends about exploring what it feels like to be single since that’s something you’ve never really experienced before. It can help a lot with the way you approach relationships down the line. Meg’s questions are great to think about if you do want to explore the FWB option (and those Vanessa articles are excellent also!). But I also want to focus on the last part of your question where you ask about meeting queer people in general. I absolutely think that exploring queer friendships and community is another way of expressing and connecting with your bisexual identity, especially if you didn’t really explore those spaces and relationships in your marriage. I know you say you’re impatient to start dating women, and I get it! But maybe that impatience would be curbed a little by making queer friends and attending queer events and connecting with your bisexuality in a way that isn’t necessarily a sexual context. I don’t think you have to swear off everything for a certain amount of time but rather just check in with yourself regularly about what you want, which might change as you expand your social circle.

Vanessa: Okay first of all I am EXTREMELY flattered that Meg and Kayla have already mentioned the articles I was coming here to recommend, and second of all congratulations on your divorce and on the instinct to get to know yourself a little or a lot better, and third of all, I think you can accomplish many of things you’re hoping to accomplish all at once! I really already said everything I could ever say about this in the Casual Dating article Meg linked above, but I’ll reiterate: it IS possible to keep things casual when dating, even if some aspects of queer culture have told us that we’re incapable of it. That’s not true! Be intentional with your choices, be honest with the people you end up connecting with, and be gentle with yourself. I’m so excited for you and this journey, and I think the future will be grand however you decide it should look!

Q3:

I am a divorced lesbian and don’t need divorce related advice but am just here to say I am excited about the divorce advice coming next month! I also want other people to know that although being divorced is great and a big deal in some ways, it’s also kinda a causal thing that just happens to be part of my story. Maybe other people could use tips on how to respond to someone sharing they’re divorced??

A:

Kayla: There’s no one monolithic divorce narrative, so I think the best universal advice is this: If someone tells you that they’re divorced, don’t make some big deal about it and don’t immediately start interrogating them. Simply ask them if they want to talk about it or not talk about it and go from there. Some people want to talk about it, and some people don’t, and that’s fine.

Vanessa: One of my very best friends loves when people respond enthusiastically about her divorce as opposed to sadly. Very “that’s wonderful, I’m happy for you!” energy rather than “ohmygodareyouokiamsosorryyikes” energy, so I’ve taken that into account over the years since her divorce when other people tell me about theirs. That said, I think Kayla is (as always) spot on: there’s no one monolithic divorce narrative, and it’s best to treat people like individuals at all times! When someone tells me they’re divorced I let them take the lead in the next beats. Are they smiling? Are they unbothered? Are they sad? Are they crying? Are they onto the next topic immediately? Read the room, etc.

Carolyn: If you can’t read the room, I think it’s also fine to ask. “How do you feel about that?” is an extremely useful phrase and if you interact with anyone on an emotional rollercoaster at any point it’s one with which you might as well get familiar. It creates as much or as little room to talk about the situation as the person sharing with you needs, and then you get to hear exactly how they want you to receive the news. You’re welcome.

Nicole: I personally think it’s hilarious that I’m divorced. While divorce forces you to check “divorced” on paperwork for the rest of your life or until you’re married again and can also result in your ex legitimately needing to contact you, it is also just another kind of breakup. Everything everyone said about reading the room is great advice, and I think, as with many things, destigmatizing divorce is important so that more people who need to get divorced will feel less pressured to stay!

Q4:

I got married (to another woman) fairly young, in our early twenties. Our relationship was hugely meaningful and formative for me and involved many firsts (moving together, living together, adopting a pet together etc) and many joys and happy memories. It also had a lot of trauma (alcoholism, etc) and frankly, we were both still young enough to not have developed great communication skills and were still figuring ourselves out, which (sadly) resulted in a lot of conflict and fighting and general highs and lows. At this point, we’ve been divorced for a few years now and though we’re not in touch at all, and live in different states, I miss her deeply and think of her often; sometimes every day or multiple times a day. We’re both with new partners now, but I continue to think of her… Sometimes because of therapy, sometimes because I reread our old FB convos from literal years ago. Is this normal? I feel ashamed somehow, or embarrassed. I don’t even tell my friends because I don’t know what to say. It’s like I lost a huge part of myself/my life and I just don’t know how to say goodbye to it.

Any insight is so appreciated!

A:

Kayla: This might be harsh, but I think you should delete those Facebook messages. I am absolutely not trying to shame you or make you feel guilty, and I do think these impulses are understandable. But I also don’t think they’re doing you any good. What do you get out of reading these old messages? Even if they remind you of the “good times” in your marriage, this could ultimately be harmful. Nostalgia is tricky, because it can feel euphoric, but it also usually adds a rose-colored tint to the past, which can make you crash back to sadness. It’s easy to look back on past relationships in extremes: focusing on the extreme highs as well as the extreme lows. But relationships are usually more complicated than that. It’s okay to miss her, and it’s okay to think about her. I DO think that you might think about her less frequently if you get rid of some of those digital traces of her and stop re-reading them. Again, I just don’t see what you could be getting from them that’s wholly positive. If deleting them entirely sounds too hard, then you can do something like this: Dump the messages into a document and then password protect the document. The extra steps to get to the message might be enough of a barrier to get you to stop reading them as much. If you need to take it one step further, have a trusted friend set the password (I know you said you don’t feel like you can talk to your friends about this, so if you’re still uncomfortable, you can be a little vague about it but also I think more people than you realize might be able to relate to/understand what you’re going through and will be empathetic). I think if some time passes where you don’t have access to these messages, you’ll come to realize that you no longer need them and THEN can delete them for good. We can’t literally undo the past and nor should we try, but holding onto these physical remnants is getting in the way of you living fully in the present.

Vanessa: I think it’s very normal to miss people we have loved who are no longer in our lives, especially when you experienced such a formative big relationship with that person. You mention feeling ashamed and embarrassed, and I’d encourage you to let yourself let go of those emotions (easier said than done, I know) because yes, this is totally normal and it’s okay to feel your feelings! If you’re up for it, sharing with a friend might help you to feel less alone and less squeamish about having these feelings. As for what to do next, I do think time will naturally shift things, whether you change your behavior around reading FB convos or not — it’s just what time does. But I also think Kayla’s suggestion is wise and sound: there is truly no positive upside to re-reading these convos. I think we don’t give the human brain enough credit to how much we can train it to move on. I’m not saying the feelings will automatically go away if you stop reading the messages, but it WILL help hasten the process of missing your ex less. We train our brains, we let them form habits. Break this habit. Your final sentence: “It’s like I lost a huge part of myself/my life and I just don’t know how to say goodbye to it.” makes me think that maybe an ending ritual could be useful to you. I don’t believe that we should rely on others to give us closure, and I actually don’t believe anyone else CAN give us closure, but I do believe in closure in general and our own capabilities to mark those occasions for ourselves. Maybe you can read those conversations one final time, spend a night journaling about all the highs and lows of your past relationship, then ceremoniously delete them and agree to not devote too much brain space to your ex except for like, one night a month, or one night a year, or something in between. It’s not that it’s BAD to think about your ex, it’s just that you writing in tells me you’re looking to make some new habits. Let’s start with ending the old habit. You can do it!

Carolyn: There are so many scripts for starting relationships, but so few for ending them. I agree that closure has to come from you and that journaling about it can be a great way to do it. If you want some more structure with that, one thing that works for me on moving past challenging situations is called a completion exercise – the goal is that by the time you’re done you’re complete on the cycle, and free to move on. For this one, you write three letters that you are not going to send. The first is everything you blame the other person or your relationship for, all the ways they hurt you or let you down. When you have written until you have literally nothing left to say, in the most self-indulgent way possible, stop and write the second letter. In the second letter, you acknowledge your part in the situation and anything you need to take responsibility for. When you have nothing left to say, stop. In the third, you express gratitude for what you learned from the situation, and what you’ll take forward. Who do you get to be now? Where do you get to go? When you have nothing left to say, stop. If you finish writing and feel like something is left unsaid, revisit the letter and say it until you are done. Afterwards you can burn them, seal them away in a closet, turn the page in your journal, whatever feels good to you. You don’t have to think about that any more.

Rachel: One thing I came to realize when I got divorced is that while we have many archetypal cultural narratives around breakups, we don’t really have a lot around divorces, especially not gay divorces, so our sense of what’s “normal” or not is kind of formed in a vacuum. I think what you’re describing is totally normal – you must have loved this person deeply to have wanted to share a life with her, and I don’t think missing her even later on means anything weird — OR that you were wrong for separating from her. Missing someone doesn’t mean the relationship needs to continue! Two things can, confusingly, be true at the same time.

I’d also love to give you permission to fully explore what it is that you’re missing and grieving — I absolutely do believe you miss your ex and that’s real, I’m not trying to psy-op you out of it! But I did realize in the course of mourning my marriage that I had to really accept a grieving process for the marriage and all its attendant elements as their own entity, not just my ex, which I think is one thing kind of unique to divorce. One thing I realized I was actually mourning was the person I thought I was (or wanted to be) in that marriage; the person and her wants that I thought I could do or be. Which is a very real thing to need to let go of and grieve! I think it’s worth thinking through what, in addition to the person of your ex herself, you’re missing here, and give yourself space and time to really honor that loss and feel the feelings related to it.

Q5:

How do I deal with the fact that now that I’ve left my abusive ex (queer, cis) husband, all our mutual friends sided with him? I’m left living in this community where people just stopped talking to me. No one who I spent years of my life on wants anything to do with me now that we’re divorcing. I’ve invested so much time into these people and I thought they would be there. We work in the same field, too, in the same city. So it feels like every time I meet a new person, that they might know him or one of my friends who no longer speaks to me and it feels like every potential new friendship is tainted before it starts. Sometimes, I’ll meet someone new, and then discover that they know each other through social media already and my heart sinks. Yes, I’m therapy, and I’m coping, but is there anything I can do to get people to believe me or even care? How do I defend myself when people I haven’t even met yet might have heard negative (probably untrue) things about me? It’s especially disappointing when other women and queers seem to take his side. I’m so sad! Help!

A:

Kayla: I’m really sorry about this situation, especially because I don’t think there’s an easy solution. Your abusive ex likely is usually the whole abuser toolbox (gaslighting, lying, deflecting, etc) to manipulate your former friends and other people, and I don’t know that you’re going to be able to undo that. It puts you in an awful situation, because it’s hard to defend yourself if these people have been fed lies about you and the relationship. I know this is not a perfect fix, but I do think that because this is so rooted in the place you live it might help to make friends in other contexts—like outside of the industry you both work in and also even online. Connecting with people who exist totally outside of the context of your ex could feel safer for you right now. If you do meet new people in your city who you think could have connections to your ex, you can absolutely try to offer your side of the story, but I also think that having to constantly defend yourself and your truth can be exhausting and painful. If you’re able to connect with people in other ways—like online queer spaces—it might let you feel more in control.

Vanessa: This sucks so much. I’m really sorry you’re experiencing it. Unfortunately, I relate — while not divorced, I have been in a similar situation with a really awful breakup. The only difference is that I coincidentally moved right as the breakup was happening, so I started fresh in a brand new city. I didn’t trust anyone and I felt so sad and confused and it took me many years to recover, but not living in the same place as my ex was really lucky and wonderful. I’m not saying you should move (although to be honest I’m also not ruling it out, if it’s in your time and budget…), but I am advocating for some of the benefits that come with moving: try to create spaces that include brand new people who don’t have connections to your ex, try to put yourself out there and do new things, and try to accept that abusive people work in patterns, and unfortunately for everyone, if your ex was abusive and manipulative to you and about you, it’s possible that eventually other people in their life will realize this and come around. It took about three years, but in my situation, eventually my ex treated their new partner the exact same way they had treated me, and suddenly all the truth they’d been obscuring for years came tumbling out. (I should note, this didn’t totally fix anything, and many of the friendships I lost remained lost… but it was a relief to feel like I was finally living in a world where most things other people thought about me were actually true and I controlled my own narrative.) One thing that really helped me during the time right after my breakup was a friend who always repeated: there are queer people you don’t know yet who don’t know you or your ex. I think something challenging about our community is how insular things can feel and how insular things can actually BE. But my friend was right before and she remains right, now: there are queer people you don’t know yet who don’t know you or your ex. You can and will find them. It won’t make anything that happened with your ex and your old friends feel better, and that pain might never go away completely (speaking from my experience). But you deserve a fresh start, and you can have one. I am so sorry again for what you’ve experienced, but so proud of you for moving forward. I’m really hoping things start looking different in your world, in all the ways. Good luck out there.

Q6:

On the theme of post-divorce!

My girlfriend has been married before, and their marriage ended because her ex-wife couldn’t deal with her coming out as a trans woman.

I would love to get married sometime. I would be so proud to let everyone know that me and my girlfriend chose and love each other. But she doesn’t want to get married again, because of her bad experience. She tells me that I’m the one she wants to be with longterm, but she just doesn’t want to get married again, at least not for some time, maybe never.

I don’t want to push it, but I feel a little sad. She’s asked me if I want her to show her love for me publicly in some other way. But the only way I can think of is writing something on social media, and if she did that just to please me, it would be awkward, forced and out of character, and I don’t want that. And I shudder from the thought of a movie style proposal, flashmob kind of situation in a crowded place. We’re both kinda withdrawn and shy in public, and I would die from embarrassment on the spot.

Any advice?

A:

Kayla: Your girlfriend has been honest with you about what she wants (not to get married) and why (because of her past), so at this point all you can do is assess your own feelings. Do you just want to be married in general? If so, is it ultimately a dealbreaker for you if your girlfriend never wants to get married? Only you can answer those questions. Because you shouldn’t really pressure your girlfriend to change her mind, but you also do have the option of waiting and being patient, because maybe she will, especially if she has said “at least not for some time” like you write in your letter. Technically, it’s a possibility it sounds like. But you also have to prepare for the possibility that she will never want to get married and decide if that’s enough of a difference between your wants/needs to end the relationship. Marriage is a complex thing that involves a lot more than just a public display of love. It’s also something that people can have a lot of thoughts and feelings about, especially for someone who has been married before. I don’t think you should think of your girlfriend’s unwillingness to get married as a rejection of YOU. Your girlfriend not wanting to get married because of her experiences with her ex does NOT mean that she thinks you’re capable of hurting her in the same ways by any means, so I hope you’re not thinking that. It sounds like your girlfriend’s feelings about marriage don’t really have anything to do with you, and it might help to remind yourself of that.

Vanessa: I think this is all okay! Your girlfriend is being honest about her feelings and receptive to your needs, and you’ve heard her and are experiencing some feelings about something she’s shared. You’re allowed to feel sad or disappointed, and she’s allowed to never want to get married again, and you’re both allowed to either change your minds or not about these thoughts and feelings and all thoughts and feelings moving forward, for forever! I think if this becomes a larger issue like, marriage is VERY important to you and your girlfriend still never wants to get married, you can discuss it again, but right now I really do think it’s okay to just sit with this reality. You and your girlfriend love each other. You’re communicating honestly. This is pretty awesome! My only advice is to enjoy your relationship and keep an open mind about what might come next.

Nicole: I’m really glad that you all are communicating with each other so well. That’s such a great start and I hope that you’ll keep those lines of communication open!

If you want to, you could consider what marriage means to you, and what you were hoping to get from marriage, and if there are other ways you could get those same needs or wants met. A public celebration of your commitment to each other doesn’t need to be a wedding. You could celebrate an important anniversary with family and friends, or celebrate other milestones, whatever that might mean to you. Is it the formal vows, or a spiritual or religious ceremony? You could talk about ways in which you could create ritual for yourselves that works for you, that isn’t too public and won’t cause you anxiety. It’s unavoidable that weddings are, for many people, a big deal, but this is also a completely constructed thing. Sometimes I think about how were a result of an ad campaign and weren’t popular until the 1940’s. Anyway, point is, what marriage is and what it means (outside of the legality of it) is super subjective and it changes over time and from person to person and culture to culture. And as Vanessa and Kayla said above, I hope that you will also focus on enjoying being present in your relationship! Sending love to you both! You’ve got this!

Q7:

My girlfriend is recently divorced, and has a young child. What’s the best way to introduce me to her kid, and in a way that doesn’t send her straight man ex into a tailspin?

A:

Kayla: This is really tricky to answer without more details, because I think it can depend on a lot of factors…including but not limited to: 1. The child’s age 2. How long you and your girlfriend have been dating 3. What conversations you and your girlfriend have had about this already 4. Your girlfriend’s ex’s relationship with the kid/their custody situation. I’m going to answer under the assumption that you and your girlfriend have already talked about meeting the kid (because, obviously, this should all happen on your girlfriend’s terms). I think the easiest way would be to meet her kid in a situation outside of the home that feels comfortable but also somewhat neutral—like a park, a restaurant, etc. Definitely somewhere casual. It shouldn’t feel like a big production. Talk to the kid the way you would with any kid. Prioritize the kid’s comfort and agency. If the kid doesn’t want to talk to you too much, that’s fine! It doesn’t mean you’ve botched it. It’s not like trying to make a good first impression on an adult. Kids are just kids, and you can’t go into it with too many expectations because there’s no way to predict how they’re going to act—especially if this is the first time they’re meeting someone their mom is dating. As with the stuff with your girlfriend’s ex, I don’t really know how to answer about that without more info. It’s often customary (and understandable) for divorced parents to want to meet an ex’s new partner before the new partner meets the kid, but that might not be your situation. You’ll probably have to talk to your girlfriend about that (if you haven’t already).

Vanessa: Agree with Kayla (per! always!) that I want a lot more details about this to really properly try to answer. That said, I think the good news is your girlfriend really has to take the lead on this one, so it hopefully won’t feel TOO stressful for you! I think in terms of what you can take control of, just make sure you treat the kid like an individual human and don’t expect any specific reaction right away. They may be excited to meet you, they may be horrified to meet you. Much of that reaction will have nothing to do with YOU the individual. Be open, let them take the lead on how much interaction you have and how sustained it is, and be very intentional with how you interact with your girlfriend during your time with her child. As for the ex, I really don’t think that’s your problem at all. Your girlfriend has to talk to her ex about it and they need to figure out together how to move forward. I think it’s a reasonable boundary to not expect you to be part of that conversation and action plan. Good luck with meeting the kiddo — I hope it goes smoothly!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!