Welcome to the 36th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

AND a Special Announcement: we’re trying a new thing where the second Into the A+ Advice Box of each month will be themed. This month’s theme is DIVORCE. As always, this is meant expansively, for legal marriage/divorce or no. If you think your question fits the theme, it probably fits the theme! Please get your questions in by Monday, June 7, 2021! Next theme: Fashion. You’re also welcome to submit questions for next month (on the Fashion theme) ahead of time and your non-themed questions at any time! We’ll continue to have a general Into the A+ Advice Box post published on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

Okay, so lately I’ve been having a very muted, long and drawn out relationship crisis and I can’t tell if it’s a serious bad sign or just quarantine blues or some combination thereof?

The general situation: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about three years, and we were close friends/roommates before that. We’re both ace spectrum and weren’t really looking for a relationship but then we got together and here we are! She is the only person I’ve dated as an adult, and I think because of that I am occasionally consumed by doubt in the form of feeling like we’re just “settling” or too young to be so serious or whatever (we’re both 25). I love her and our relationship a lot, I see myself marrying her, and she’s honestly the only person I’ve ever felt this way about.

Since the pandemic, she’s been very depressed and I’ve been very restless. The topics of my worry include: I want to foster/adopt kids someday, she isn’t interested in having kids; I like to plan big picture stuff and that stresses her out; and of course: what if I’ve made a Huge Mistake by never living on my own (which I could not afford anyway lol) etc.?

I guess what I’m asking is, is it too naive to think I can build a relationship with communication and willpower and queer finagling of traditional situations, even if we’re not totally compatible? And is it possible my fears are mostly rooted in generalized anxiety disorder and Covid cabin fever?

A:

Himani: This is hard. There are a couple of things that stand out to me. I admire your desire to want to make things work, and I really do believe that relationships involve a decent amount of work, communication and compromise. That said, the kids thing is a real no-go, in my opinion. This is just one of those things that is impossible to compromise on. If you stay together, there’s maybe three ways that could possibly play out: One, you eventually adopt/foster kids and your partner really struggles with it and resents having this life she didn’t want. Two, you don’t adopt/foster kids and you struggle with it and resent not having the things you want in your life. Three, you adopt/foster kids and your partner is surprised by how much she loves and appreciates having a family. Perhaps I am too cynical about everything, but three really is the slimmest possibility, in my opinion, and not a possibility you should be pinning your hopes on.

When it comes to the question of “too young to be serious” I think what really underlies that statement is a feeling that someone might be missing out on other possibilities by making commitments at a young age. So I would encourage you to spend some time asking yourself, what is it that you wouldn’t be able to do if you were to stay in this relationship and how important are those things to you? (And again, the thing about the kids comes up here…)

Kayla: Your doubts are totally normal and don’t necessarily spell doom for your relationship! A lot of partnerships are not perfectly compatible, and that’s okay! The most important thing is balance. When it comes to your incompatibilities, like the fact that you prefer to plan big picture stuff and she does not, does it feel like attempts to compromise are fair and involve effective communication? As for the kids thing, I do ultimately agree with Himani in the sense that this is a major difference where compromise isn’t really possible. That said, it’s up to you to decide if that matters now or if it’s something to grapple with later on. You say you love the relationship a lot, so it sounds like it’s the right relationship for you right now, but that can change. Relationships should change and evolve, and I even think it should be more normalized that relationships can also end in a healthy and reasonable way that in no way negates the history of that relationship. So just because you’re on different pages about kids does not mean you HAVE to break up right now. Are you satisfied and fulfilled by the relationship in its current form? Then great! You don’t have to get too caught up in future what-ifs if the relationship is currently working, especially if you’re both being honest and direct with each other about your wants.

But also, I do want to add that just because she’s the only person you’ve ever felt this way about does not mean that there aren’t other people who might be right for you. Your relationship needs and wants could change over time, and that doesn’t have to be a scary thing!

Q2:

Hi Autostraddle Question Responders,

A heads-up: this question is about religion.

I’m in the midst of a ‘non-crisis of changing faiths’ and can use some advice. I’ve been Christian my whole life, recently got a Master’s in Theological Studies, and now work as state-level administrative staff for the United Church of Christ. However, over the past year and a half, I’ve become increasingly drawn towards Judaism. This attraction began as I took several classes provided by a Jewish institution affiliated with my seminary. I found the ideas we discussed in class both very different to the faith I knew and much more compelling, as I was also becoming disenchanted with the Christianity I was deconstructing. Now, after graduation, I’m attending Zoom services from local synagogues. The only reason why I’m holding off on conversion is to check out as many communities as possible.

Onto the question. I’ve been anxious about many big life changes (and generally everything). However, thus far, my ‘faith crisis’ has been pretty relaxed. Yet, Christianity has been a big part of my life, both professionally and personally. I feel like I’m missing something. I’m also painfully aware how much Christians appropriate from Judaism, and don’t want to take any prospective conversion process lightly. I feel like I should be more concerned about this process, since change in general often concerns me, I’ve built my life around Christianity, and Judaism is so very different.

How do I stop being anxious about not really being anxious? Is there something I’m missing? Or should I just go with the flow?

A:

Nicole: I’m neither Jewish nor Christian, but my understanding is that, in this situation where you’re considering converting, you might be able to talk to someone from the local synagogue that you’re attending Zoom services through. Without knowing what your ability to get vaccinated is, or what the situation is for you locally, are there going to be any in-person outdoor social situations at the synagogue where you could go, meet people and talk to some folks just to get a feeling of what the space is like in-person? Depending on the space, they might offer pre-conversion counseling sessions, too. (I have looked this up and it seems common enough!)

It sounds like that’s a lot of change to deal with, especially because your career is tied up in this, but there are always options, and taking it slow, keeping respect front and center (which it sounds like you’re trying to do, along with being mindful of appropriation), and gathering perspectives (like writing in for advice!) are all things that are helpful at this stage. There is also the Autostraddle Judaism tag and this roundtable, 21 Queer Jews on Why We Love Being Jewish” and I am sure many, many books you can explore! I think that an important thing to keep in mind, which, again, seems to be something that you’re doing, is that you don’t have to go at any specified speed when it comes to spiritual seeking, and also, you don’t have to end up anywhere in particular. It can be tempting to try and find your place, where you feel you really belong and fit spiritually, but it’s also very okay if you don’t find that for a while.

Q3:

I’ve been with my current partner for almost 2 1/2 years now, & I’m finding lately that I don’t understand why we are together anymore.

It feels whenever I ask for my needs to be met or bring up how they aren’t being met, she launches into either “this is who I am, you can’t change me” or “I can’t be everything to you”. While I understand these are valid points, I feel like in a relationship there is an expectation for partners to meet in the middle somewhere. Yet it feels I’m the one always watching out for her needs & I take what scraps I can get.

For example, I thrive on touch, she doesn’t. I feel like I can’t go to her to vent about, well, really anything – she immediately argues the other side. It completely invalidates my feelings & I usually walk away feeling worse. When it comes to the things I like, unless it’s something that fulfils a need of hers, she completely checks out & I’m left to do it alone. I have told her how small compliments from her tend to make my day, especially since pandemic life hasn’t had me feelings my sexiest, but I don’t get anything from her. She doesn’t hesitate talking about her ex though.

We’ve talked about it, & she acknowledges it, it’s ok for like a week, then she goes right back into the same habits.

I understand a partner can’t be everything to you, but I also feel like it’s reasonable to expect them to be…well…something!?

I’m tired of feeling like I’m nagging her. Am I being totally unfair & trying to change her, or do I have some sort of leg to stand on?

A:

Ro: Your expectations are totally fair. In a healthy relationship, your partner should work towards supporting your very reasonable needs (validation when you’re venting about a struggle, the occasional compliment, less talk about the ex). It sounds like your partner has established a pattern of making temporary changes before reverting back to her self-serving behavior, and that’s really frustrating.

You write, “I don’t understand why we are together anymore,” and I think that’s a feeling you should investigate. You’re asking your partner to honor your needs over and over again, and she hasn’t been able to follow through. You don’t have to live like that. You can be in a relationship built on mutual respect and clear communication, but it doesn’t seem like you’ll find that with your current partner.

Himani:: Seconding Ro here that your partner is not treating you super well. The thing is, whether or not you have a leg to stand on is irrelevant, to some extent, in that I don’t think you’re going to get your partner to see your perspective. You’ve made it clear what you’re looking for, and your partner is unable to meet you anywhere remotely in the middle in a meaningful way (short-term changes and then reverting back into the pattern do not count). I would focus less on viewing this as trying to convince your partner to see your requests as reasonable or grounded, and instead, as Ro also says, spend more time exploring the thought “I don’t understand why we are together anymore.” What other possibilities would be available to you if you weren’t in this relationship?

Nicole:: Here to agree with Himani and Ro above and to especially flag that you’ve been communicative about your needs, multiple times, had conversations about your needs which are sounding reasonable (compliments!), and that your partner still isn’t meeting them or even demonstrating that they’re working on change, even while you say you’re attentive to her needs. A relationship takes at least two people, and if one person isn’t actively participating in the relationship and neither seems interested in doing the work of a relationship nor doing the work of leaving it, then it is really, really okay to consider breaking up.

Kayla: So something that gets said a lot is that relationships require work. And that’s absolutely true! Relationships require continuous, evolving work. But that work has to feel balanced. It has to feel fair. It should feel intentional and sincere, but it shouldn’t feel like a burden. Right now, it sounds like you’re doing the bulk of the work. And your partner is not listening, which makes you feel like you’re nagging. Of course it’s important to communicate your wants and needs in a relationship, but there’s only so many times you can repeat something. “I don’t understand why we are together anymore” is a really telling sentiment. I think it might help if you shift your thinking away from “am I being totally unfair and trying to change her” to “does this relationship satisfy my needs?”

Q4:

Any advice (general or Montreal-specific) for a small-town queer moving to a city with a significant queer population for grad school? I’ve been out here forever and it’s a super liberal town, but I’ve never really connected with the queer community in an organized way because I already had the group of friends I grew up with (straight and queer) by the time I realized I was gay. I really want to be more engaged with the queer community, and I’m particularly interested in volunteering with queer youth and/or meeting some artsy writing or music people, but I don’t know how to find them. I’m also pretty inexperienced with dating, so any advice about that would be appreciated too!

A:

Ro: In my experience, the best way to get involved in your local queer community is to show up and become a familiar face. Sometimes you have to be in the right place at the right time to find your people, so put yourself in the right place over and over again!

Use social media to find queer events in your area, make a list of all the events you’re interested in, and go to all of them at least once. You’ll probably find a monthly dance party or a weekly open mic night that will become your staple. Find the queer spots in your neighborhood (gay bars, queer-owned restaurants and coffee shops, perhaps a feminist bookstore?) and start going there. Start chatting with queer folks on dating apps and ask them how they got involved with your local community (and dating apps aren’t just for dating — you can totally make friends on Tinder if you want to!).

I love that you’re feeling inspired to volunteer! I’ve never been to Montreal, but with a quick Google search, I found a ton of volunteer opportunities. Here’s the volunteer application for the Montreal LGBTQ+ Community Center. Here’s the volunteer application for ACCM, which serves people living with HIV in your area. Here’s volunteering information for Project 10, which serves LGBTQ+ youth (they’re not currently accepting new volunteer applications, so check back in the future).

Q5:

hi there! I’m currently having a Situation involving my mom and my cat that I wondered if y’all would have any insight on.

about 18 months ago, I adopted a sweet sweet little cat, mostly as an ESA but also because I wanted a pet of my own since I was living alone for the first time. this was very exciting for me and for most of my loved ones! but my parents were not excited—my mom is pretty allergic to cats, and both of my parents went on what I perceived to be an extended guilt trip campaign to try to get my to adopt a dog instead (which I chose not to do mainly because I lived in a teeny apartment in the middle of a city and didn’t have access to a lot of green space).

since I’ve adopted my baby cat friend, she’s unfortunately become a source of tension between my mom and me. my mom never addresses my cat by her name (always calls her “your/the cat”), I don’t feel like I can talk about my cat with her or share any cute pictures, and she frequently brings up all of the things she can’t do with me because I adopted this cat. I know that a lot of this has more to do with her own Emotional Baggage than anything I’ve done, but I can’t shake the deep guilt I feel for fulfilling my own emotional needs at the expense of a better relationship with my mom. it’s also deeply painful for me that my cat, who has brought so much love and joy into my life, is somehow caught in the middle of this. it feels like I am disappointing my parents and robbing them of valuable life experiences with me. any advice of how to shake my guilt and keep moving forward?

A:

Ro: Congrats on moving out on your own! When you live on your own, your home is YOURS and yours alone. You get to do what you want. And that includes getting a cat! Of course, having an animal can create an accessibility issue for folks with allergies like your mom. You said she’s “pretty allergic,” so I’m going to answer this question with the assumption that your mom’s allergy isn’t super severe or life-threatening.

It sounds like having a cat was a really important decision for your mental health. It means that your mom can’t comfortably visit your home (at least not without having taken allergy meds), but that’s it. It doesn’t mean that you can’t visit her or that you can’t spend time together out in the world. It doesn’t prevent you from sharing experiences together and having a close relationship. If your mom isn’t willing to honor the role that this cat plays in your life, then that is 100% her problem, and it’s not something that you need to feel guilty about.

If you haven’t already addressed this head-on with your mom, then I encourage you to confront her passive aggressive behavior. Tell her that she has to stop bringing up the fact that she can’t visit your home. You’ve made your decision about adopting a cat, and it was the right decision for you. Maybe your mom will want you to stop talking about your cat and sharing pictures, and that’s fine. Maybe it’s best to leave the topic of your cat off the table, at least for a while.

I’m not a parent, but through my own experience and through the experiences of my friends, I’ve noticed that some parents engage in controlling, passive aggressive behavior after their kids move out for the first time. I think it’s hard for some parents to accept that their children have grown into adults who make their own choices without parental guidance. Maybe your mom is going through some of those feelings. It’s a bummer that your mom doesn’t want to hear about a part of your life that’s been fulfilling and rewarding for you, but eventually, she might come around.

Himani: I completely agree with everything Ro has said above. Something that really stands out to me in your letter is some of the language you use around your relationship with your parents: “fulfilling my own emotional needs at the expense of a better relationship what my mom,” “disappointing my parents,” “robbing them of valuable life experiences.” It seems like you are holding a lot of responsibility in terms of things you owe your parents. I can really understand that, in a way, and sometimes these expectations can be really deeply tied to culture, religion, immigration and other family experiences. I’m not going to say that “you don’t owe your parents anything,” but I encourage you to spend some time examining and exploring the expectations you are perceiving as being placed on you by your parents and/or you are placing on yourself in terms of your relationship with your parents. I think there’s definitely a middle ground to be found between “I don’t owe my parents anything” and “as an adult child, I am responsible for my parents’ happiness” (which, in my view, is what often underlies the “I owe my parents xyz”).

Also, I’m glad you got the cat. :) I hope you have plenty of friends or social media or something to share all your cat pictures and videos with to get some positive affirmation on that decision, as you continue to navigate this new dynamic with your parents.

Kayla: The guilt you’re experiencing is unfair and yet totally understandable. I agree with Himani that there are all sorts of reasons for feeling familial obligation. But you should not have to feel guilty about your choices. Sometimes instead of just bulldozing over emotions like guilt, I find that it’s easier/more helpful to just acknowledge where the feelings are coming from and then shift the thinking. You likely won’t get anywhere by just telling yourself “STOP FEELING GUILTY.” In other words, don’t be hard on yourself for feeling guilt. Rather, remind yourself that you are allowed to make your own choices. Remind yourself of the joy your cat brings to your life. Remind yourself that you exist outside of your mother’s expectations and perceptions. These reminders might be able to help you shift from guilt toward more positive feelings. I really wish your mother weren’t putting you in this position, but I also think you just need to be really firm with her here. Tell her how much your cat means to you and how it makes you feel when she’s so dismissive and passive aggressive. A warning though: It might not change your mother’s behavior. But hopefully it’ll inspire some introspection on her part. You can’t really control how your mother acts, but you can advocate for yourself and hope that she’s able to hear and understand. Your cat sounds really sweet, and I’m super happy for you!

Q6:

I have had a not great month. Both a relative and my mentor died within a couple weeks of each other. I had to drop a class and am struggling with going to grad school in a pandemic anyway. I started T, which is a good thing but emotionally complicated.
My main self-cares are dance and solitude. Dance hasn’t been an option this past year since it means touching people. Being cut off from it has been SO hard. So my alternative is to ask to be left alone to do my own thing.

I’ve been dating this girl for 6 months. When my mentor died I asked for space and she struggled with giving me that. I also was upset over not being able to dance, and she got insecure that I wanted to “hang out with my dance friends, but not her.” I explained it’s important to me on emotional & physical levels also. She said “I guess but I could never want to do that.” I never tried get her into dance but I have talked frequently about it.

Lately she’s complained that she can’t do anything to make me happy (I’m so stressed nothing is making me happy) gets frustrated when I talk about my quirks, says she should know me better than she does by now. Everything I say or do makes her feel insecure.
So my question(s):
1. Is six months a long enough time to really know someone? I don’t think it’s very long but she does
2. How do I be empathetic about her insecurities when I’m not feeling heard or like the needs I’ve expressed are not being met or respected?
3. When do you say “fuck this, I’m out”? I don’t want to give up just yet but I catch myself thinking about how much I loved being single and wondering if I’m just not cut out for a relationship.

A:

Ro: I can’t give you a specific timeline for when people should “really know” each other, but if you feel like your partner is claiming an unfair or unrealistic degree of familiarity, then she probably doesn’t “really know” you. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of energy into helping your partner work through her insecurities, and your partner is unwilling to give you the solitude and time with friends that you need. It also sounds like your partner has taken on the responsibility of “making you happy,” which is never a good thing. This is all grounds for ending this relationship. You don’t have to wait for a “final straw.” You’re going through a lot right now, and if you think that this relationship is getting in the way of your healing, then end it. Choosing to focus on yourself, especially when you’re facing so much emotional upheaval, is totally healthy and valid. You don’t have to put your energy into someone who refuses to respect your boundaries.

Kayla: There are several red flags about this relationship. It’s never a good sign when a partner is uncomfortable with you spending time with friends. It’s also never a good sign when a partner doesn’t support your passions (in your case, dance). It’s nice that you want to be empathetic, and I’m sure she has her reasons for being so insecure. But that doesn’t mean that the behavior is acceptable. She should be dealing with her insecurities in a more productive and healthy way, but instead, she’s becoming manipulative and controlling and making you do all the emotional work around this. Ultimately, it’s up to you! I rarely tell people outright to break up in these advice posts, because I feel like it’s impossible to capture all the nuances and layers of a relationship in a single letter and I don’t want to be prescriptive. But in this instance, I’m really struggling to see what this relationship is providing you with. At the same time, I don’t think you need to immediately jump to the conclusion that you’re not cut out for a relationship AT ALL just because this one relationship might not be a good fit. You’re not a failure. You deserve better. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing yourself.

Q7:

I’m a polyamorous queer bi girl with really limited experience of dating women and dating polyamorously. Part of the appeal of being poly to me (I know this is not exclusive to poly relationships) is that I really love to see my partners engage in lots of things without me and connect with lots of different people that bring them joy – so I consider myself very “non-clingy” in the sense that if I’m dating someone I don’t start spending all my time and energy on that one person and I wouldn’t expect them to do that for me.

Having said that, I love affection and affirmation and I’m quite insecure. I want hugs all the time and I worry that people don’t like me a lot. I feel comfortable articulating these things to my close friends, who are great about reassuring and supporting me, but I feel like it’s a deeply unattractive quality – and way too much pressure to put on a new date who doesn’t know you that well.

I’ve just started dating another poly girl who lives in another city. When/how do I communicate how I’m a big vulnerable puddle that just wants to be loved and reassured that I’m hot/desired, without demanding too much of her or coming off as needy as hell or like she’s my only support system?

A:

Ro: It sounds like you’re already set up for success — you have friends who build you up and offer you the affirmation you need, you’re self-aware, and you have experience asking for what you need. All you have to do now is ask your long-distance partner for reassurance when you need it. This is a normal, healthy thing to do in any relationship, and your vulnerability might help your partner give herself permission to ask for what she needs, too.

You don’t have to “come out” as A Person Who Needs Reassurance. Just ask for what you need when you need it. If you find that you’re asking for reassurance way too often, then dial it back. Sometimes it helps to preface a reassurance request with, “Do you have a moment to give me some reassurance?” That way, you’re giving your partner an opportunity to say, “Not right now,” if they need to.

Q8:

Would you happen to have advice on couples with different careers? I have a remote office job and my partner bakes for a living. We’ve had discussions of moving in and what that would be like. Besides the good stuff, we also talked about things such as me paying more rent (I get paid a lot more), us not having the same work schedules, me probably doing more chores and cooking since I’m working from home, etc. Her job is her passion and I want her to always choose it. However, I sometimes have thoughts about how it would be like if our expenses were more 50-50, if we had the same work schedule, had more flexibility in where we would live (her workplace is located far north from where we would really like to live), etc. Right now, I would like to get a new car as mine is really old. I know I would not be able to afford one if we move in. I also know I won’t be able to travel as much as I’d like.

A:

Ro: You don’t have to rush into moving in with your partner, especially if that doesn’t make sense for you right now (and from what you’ve said, it sounds like it would be both a logistical and financial challenge for you). You also NEVER have to live together. There are plenty of long-term couples who choose to live separately, and it doesn’t mean that they are any less committed or less in love than cohabiting couples.

If you do choose to live together, I hope you’ll ask yourself: “Are my partner and I equally supporting each other and our household?” (and remember that “equally” doesn’t necessarily mean “in the same ways”). Splitting rent unevenly based on income is pretty common and fair, but if your partner expects you to pay more in rent and do the bulk of the chores, that’s a recipe for resentment. I love that you’re so enthusiastic about supporting your partner’s career, but don’t forget that your goals and needs are important, too.

Nicole: So, first off, I want to agree with Ro that it’s pretty normal to negotiate different amounts that you pay within a couple for rent, groceries, etc. so that the person with the higher income pays more. It also, at first glance and with this info, seems reasonable to me that a person without a long commute might help do some more chores because the other person…has to commute and so has less free time. If you’re moving in together as a couple, then it’s important to keep your lines of communication open and to be open to renegotiating chores, work load, finances because nothing ever stays the same! You might talk about things ahead of time and then find out that things actually need to be done differently in practice, and that is okay. The important thing is to communicate.

Also, seconding Ro in that you don’t have to move in together if ultimately you decide that it’s too difficult right now. Maybe it’s better for your partner to live closer to her work and this will ultimately make both of you happier than if she suddenly had a long daily commute. I don’t know!

Finally, with your last statement, it’s awesome that you’re supportive of your partner’s career that she’s obviously super passionate about and I hope you get the same support with your passions! That being said, if your partner went and got a job like yours, gave up on baking, would she then be the same person that you know and love? Would she be as happy?

There are ways to save money on travel, carve out time for each other in two different work schedules, and to make old cars last — but I think a question here is, are you okay with what it would mean to reduce the level of financial flexibility you’re currently used to in order to move in with your partner, would you both be happier living apart for now, or would you honestly be happier dating someone whose lifestyle / work schedule / finances more closely resembled yours? There’s no *right* answer here, just things for you to consider.

Q9:

Hi there!
I guess I’m looking for advice/affirmation about commitment. My partner and I are beginning to discuss getting married and so much of it sounds so exciting, but I’m also nervous. My anxiety has a knack of turning fear into “proofs” about things that aren’t actually true. I realized too how few married ladies I know to look up to and find as role models. It feels like there’s either the heterosexual marriage culture or queer culture that often is anti marriage (I know it’s a false binary, thanks distorted thinking) and I just have no idea what to do with these feelings or fears.

A:

Ro: Having fears about marriage is normal. Getting married is a big decision — not only because you’re making a presumably long-term commitment, but also because you’re entering into a financial contract, and breaking that contract comes with consequences. Feeling anxious about something that big is totally reasonable, and it doesn’t mean that you love your partner any less.

It might help to think about the reasons why you want to get married that aren’t just about the love you feel for your partner. Do you like the idea of having a wedding? Do you like the safety of long-term commitment? Are there certain legal or financial benefits of marriage that would help you and/or your partner lead better lives? You might find that you have a long list of reasons, and that might calm your worries. Or you might find that you’re not really sure why you want to get married, and that will hopefully prompt you to further investigate your thoughts and feelings around marriage with your partner and your loved ones (and talking to a therapist wouldn’t hurt!). You are absolutely not alone.

Kayla: I agree with Ro that it’s totally normal to have fears/nerves about a big life decision like getting married. I don’t think you should run away from those fears, but I also don’t think you should immediately jump to the conclusion that fears automatically mean that you don’t actually want to get married. Rather, try to get as specific about the fears as possible. Where are they coming from/what are they rooted in? This might sound like overwhelming emotional work, but I assure you that it actually has the power to make you feel more confident about your decisions. Fears/nerves should be explored rather than ignored. That said, there’s always going to be some uncertainty when it comes to big decisions. Don’t let that get in the way of you pursuing what you want. You say you’re excited about the prospect of marriage, so what specifically excites you? Remind yourself of those things when the nerves creep in. I think it’s most healthy to give yourself the space to feel both sets of feelings: the fears AND the excitement. They don’t have to counteract each other. It’s okay to feel them simultaneously!

Nicole: Wow this is going to sound really dry, but if some of the things that stress you out are the “what happens if we get divorced?” kind of things, then I suggest that you look into getting a prenup! It’s great to define how the marriage will dissolve, if it needs to, while you still are super into each other and able to hold each others’ best interests in your hearts. That might be annoying to do, but it may end up relieving some anxiety long-term because there is already a plan for if things don’t work out, so you can, you know, concentrate on the relationship and the exciting and important moments of the present!

Q10:

Hello, I’m a new A+ member and this is my first time asking for advice!

I am going to the same university next year as my close friend who has been living in a different country for the past 4 years. I was really happy about this because I have a hard time making friends (I’m autistic) and I was excited to be able to hang out with her in person again for the first time in 4 years.

However, she recently messaged me to say that she didn’t feel like we were very close anymore and that she didn’t picture us interacting very much in uni because she’d already begun forming a friendship group and didn’t know how I would fit in. She said that she has commitment issues and finds it hard to maintain a friendship where she can’t see the long term.

I was really looking forward to hanging out in uni with her, so this really hurt. A lot of my previous friendships have ended in similar ways, which made it even worse. She wants to have an open conversation about the issues in our friendship and how we see it going forward, but I’m not sure what to do.

I’m hurt that she doesn’t see our close friendship continuing in uni but I don’t want to force her to spend time with me if she really doesn’t want want to. I understand that uni is an opportunity for both of us to meet new people and I don’t want her to feel constrained because of me. I value our friendship and want to maintain it but I’m not sure how to communicate how I feel about all this to her. I think that being apart for so long has made us kind of estranged from each other and would appreciate any advice on rekindling friendships.

A:

Himani: This is really hard, and I’m really sorry your friend feels very differently about your friendship than you do. I’ve found that sometimes people can be incredibly utilitarian with how they think about and view friendship, and it can be really jarring and painful to be confronted with that. Your friend says she’s open to talking about your friendship and how things may or may not go forward. It might be worthwhile to take her up on that, as it’s possible that through that conversation you both are able to talk about a new structure for your friendship in the new environment at university. I think that you can let her know that you do really value your friendship and the things you value about it.

When it comes to rekindling a friendship, honestly this has been very case by case in my experience. Sometimes, that rekindling looks like catching up very occasionally with someone and mostly reminiscing about things from our shared past. Honestly, those types of friendships usually don’t make it. What I’ve found helps a friendship make a comeback and last is if you can find things you share in common in the present. Sometimes, that just doesn’t happen. Talking to your friend may help you both identify things you can both connect on that will help you maintain the friendship. But the reality is, too, that you have been living apart for four years, and I’m guessing (based on the fact that you’re starting university) that you’re both fairly young and at a point in your life where you’re both changing a lot in terms of your interests and values, as well.

I would encourage you to allow yourself to feel your sadness about this friendship moving into a very different form and / or coming to a close. But also, start looking forward to going to university as a time for new possibilities. Look into what kinds of clubs and activities are available at your university and start scoping out things you might be interested in attending and joining to meet more people.

Q11:

My most recent long term relationship ended about five months before COVID started to impact the world more than we thought it would. I went from barely functioning after the break up, to slowly putting myself out there, to finally being ready to date and move on with my life, to being stuck inside my apartment for a year. I have expressed wanting to date again with my therapist and psychologist, and they both agree that I should. My psychologist has challenged me to meet three new people a month. However, I can’t for the life of me find anyone worth getting to know on any dating app that I’m on.

It honestly doesn’t matter if I message first, or if the other person does, if the conversation is good, or if it’s bad; it always ends and I’m left to repeat the somewhat endless cycle. Usually, this wouldn’t bother me like it is now, but with COVID wrecking everything good in my life, it feels like I won’t find any sort of meaningful relationship, on a dating app, or in the outside world. I feel especially bad and upset with myself when I see my friends, or even other people I don’t know, having a great time with their partners, even talking about how they have found love during this global crisis. I feel like I’m truly on the outside looking in when these things pop up on my feed.

I hate to say that it feels like my ex has “won”, and I try not to think about that but, when I think about how I was before this relationship, and how I am now, it feels like I’m never going to find a relationship with a normal, healthy person that I’m attracted to, or even happiness.

A:

Himani: There’s no two ways around this: the situation you’re in really fucking sucks, and I am very sorry. If it’s any comfort, I can really relate. Our timelines are not exactly the same, but there’s a lot of overlap in terms of the way the pandemic just really disrupted our respective attempts to move on from a breakup.

I can’t say I fully understand everything that you’re saying in your last paragraph, but again I can relate to some of the feelings (insofar as I understand what you’ve written). Honestly, when my relationship ended, I also struggled with feelings of bitterness that, well, my ex got what she wanted out of the situation in many ways. I asked myself for a really long time what was the point of any of it, if I was just going to be left feeling miserable and even more hopeless about love (and life, really) than I ever had before. At least I had previously made my peace with being single forever. It was like I had finally had a small taste of this thing I had always really wanted only to lose it in a really shitty and painful way. And having that small taste left me wanting more of something that already felt impossible and, certainly in the pandemic, that feeling of impossibility has increasingly become reality. It sucks. It really sucks.

It’s incredibly trite to say, and I’m certain you’ve heard this before, but give yourself time and space to work through your feelings, and eventually the feelings of loss and bitterness will become less intense. Five months out of a relationship to then be thrown into the pandemic is really not much time to process a breakup. And the reality is, everyone processes these things on their own timelines anyway, and there’s really no shame in that. If it’s any comfort to you, it took me two years to put the final nail in the coffin of mine and the pandemic certainly had a substantial role in that.

Again, I don’t know if this will be comforting or not, to know that you aren’t alone in your feelings, but I can really really relate to feeling bad or upset when seeing / hearing about friends in their relationships. I struggled with this before the pandemic, but the pandemic really pushed all those feelings into overdrive. Recently, I had a really moving conversation with one of my closest friends about how she loves her husband, but she isn’t getting some key things out of her relationship. It sounded incredibly painful and difficult and it really made me realize something that I think people have been trying to tell me for years (literally) that people in otherwise strong relationships can feel incredibly lonely and isolated and like their emotional/physical needs aren’t being met too. I say this fully aware that until I was ready to accept the reality of those things (through having that really honest conversation with my friend), whenever people told me these things I immediately went on the defensive and just was not in a place where I could hear it. In many ways, I think that’s a completely normal reaction, though not a particularly useful one. But I would encourage you to try to remind yourself that looking from the outside in, relationships often look better than they actually are. Even when I wasn’t fully convinced of the fact, I personally found it a useful thought to hold when I really struggled with those feelings of being upset about other people’s relationships.

When it comes to the dating apps, it’s so interesting to hear that your psychologist gave you such a concrete goal like meeting three new people a month. Whenever I have talked to my therapist about my largely unsuccessful attempts at online dating during the pandemic, she says some combination of the same three things: (1) she is hearing from a lot of her clients how difficult it has been to online date during this time, (2) a lot of people are sitting out online dating because of how miserable it is right now (so the pool is especially small and therefore making it even harder to find people to connect with) and (3) that maybe now is a time to take a pause or have a more limited set of expectations around dating because it is so difficult and so particularly painful in a way that goes beyond the things that can normally make dating difficult. Sure, there are the amazing pandemic love stories, but I really think those are more the exception than the rule. That said, I’m not sure where you’re writing in from, so I don’t know where things stand in terms of the vaccine rollout and reopening where you live. Everything feels incredibly uncertain and it may still be quite distant for you, but I encourage you to hold onto that one sliver of hope that some day things will reopen and you won’t have to rely solely on online dating to try to meet people.

At the end of it all, the only thing I have to offer you is that you’re not alone, and I really can deeply relate to all of the things that you’re struggling with. I’m sorry. It is really, so incredibly painful and so incredibly difficult. I wish I had an answer for either of us.

Q12:

I’m a femme and most of my relationships have been with masc or butch people who have tended to take charge of sex and guide the flow of activity, energy, positions, etc. I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of being more of a top but haven’t had much opportunity to explore it. Now I’m dating someone who is definitely a switch and really wants me to take control more often. I’m both excited and scared!

I find myself worrying that I’m not doing it well or that they can sense my nervousness and it feels inauthentic. My mind tends to go a little blank in the moment and I can’t think of what to do next so either things get kind of repetitive or they take over.

How can I be more confident, creative, and empowered? How do you transition from being more of a bottom to more of a top in an authentic way? I want to be the mean femme top of my dreams!

A:

Ro: First of all, I am SO excited for you on your journey to become the “mean femme top” of your dreams. Bringing a more dominant energy to sex can feel awkward when that’s not what you’re used to, but with practice and communication, you can build up your confidence overtime. Of course, getting through that initial awkwardness can be tricky. Here are some things you can try that will help you along on your mean femme top journey:

1. Have a conversation with your partner outside of a sexual context about what they’re looking for as a bottom. Do they like roleplay? Do they want to be restrained? Do they just want to be fucked silly? Are there specific scenarios, words, and/or phrases that turn them on (feeling like you’re being “repetitive” isn’t necessarily a bad thing if your partner gets increasingly aroused every time you call them a “good girl”)? Now you’ll have a sense of direction and you’ll have ideas to fall back on if you start to feel lost.

2. If you and your partner plan your sex or kink scenes in advance, then spend some time getting in the topping mood. Are there certain songs that make you feel powerful? Is there an outfit or underwear or perfume that makes you feel hot as hell? Use all of these tools to set yourself up for success.

2. If your partner is a sighted person: blindfold your partner or position your partner somewhere they can’t see you. This is hands-down my favorite move for new tops. Sometimes it’s easier to let your guard down and try things when your partner isn’t staring you in the face. Plus, it keeps your partner guessing (Are they about to get spanked? What’s their top going to do next?).

Meg: Ro has given you some really excellent advice here, so I’ll just add that the idea of “doing it well” or “being good at sex” is a really pervasive one that I think a lot of us struggle with, especially if you feel inexperienced. Communication can go a long way towards soothing some of those concerns, and knowing what gets your partner excited about you being in control can help you feel more confident in taking charge.

One other suggestion – if you or your partner aren’t sure about your levels of comfort with a blindfold, or if you aren’t sure how comfortable either of you are with restraints, just telling your partner to keep their eyes closed or put their hands over their head / at their sides / on the wall / holding the headboard / etc can give you both the sensation of control without the need for props. Even small or simple commands can be incredibly sexy, and immediately help you feel like you’re the one in control and step into your full mean femme top power. Plus, there really is something useful in knowing you have a moment to take a breath or plan your next move while they aren’t watching. Try to think of those moments as building anticipation instead of you getting stuck or lost, and just focus on what feels good.

Q13:

Hi Team. I have a tough question for you. My girlfriend and I moved in together a year ago (mid-pandemic) after dating for a year long distance. The past year sucked in many ways (job troubles, Covid anxiety, mental health struggles) and over time our sex life ground to a halt. We were having sex maybe once a week and now have gone over a month without having sex at all. But we are also polyam, and my girlfriend is still having sex once or twice a week with another serious partner and sleeping with other sweeties a few times a month. My only other relationship is long-distance. I have tried talking about it (we have processed A LOT) and she has communicated that the pressure of us not having sex makes her too overwhelmed. She says she still loves me and finds me attractive, and we still kiss and cuddle, but I don’t know what to do. I have stopped trying to initiate sex because it only leaves me feeling rejected or worried that she will sleep with me out of a sense of obligation. I don’t want to break up. I just want to repair our intimacy. What should I do? I have researched couples therapists in my area and unfortunately I cannot find any that take my insurance and the out of pocket costs are way out of our price range. Any advice would be appreciated.

A:

Kayla: I am not poly, but I think this situation is common in all types of relationships, and the solutions are similar across the board. It’s great that you’ve taken the first step of communicating your wants. But beyond that, there’s really not a whole lot you can do! You can’t control or change your partner’s behavior. And there’s such a thing as over-processing. Communication is great, but if it’s not leading to any changes, then at a certain point it just becomes exhausting. I really sympathize with you when you talk about not wanting to initiate sex because the rejection and doubts have become too much—I’ve been there in past relationships. But I think you also need to consider the possibility that this partner can’t satisfy your needs right now. And maybe that will change, but maybe it won’t. It’s great that you want to repair the intimacy, but that’s going to have to be something you do together. Does she want to repair it? Is the current form of intimacy that she DOES have with you—the kissing and the cuddling—enough for her? You both deserve to have the kind of intimacy that you want to have. Just because you were compatible on that front once doesn’t mean that will necessarily stay the same, and that’s so hard but ultimately just something that often comes with long-term partnership. She says she’s feeling overwhelmed about sex because of how long it has been since you’ve had sex with each other, so it sounds like y’all are sort of stuck in a holding pattern. If you both want to break that holding pattern, then you need to come up with a plan. Ask her what she needs to get there and see if it’s something you can work on together. But keep in mind that you also have to listen to yourself and what YOU want.

Q14:

My ex is moving to the city I live in. We’ve been talking regularly, and she has told me that, even though she’s still into me, she wants to take one year off from dating and spend time with me as friends.

I am also still into her, like her as a friend, and want to hang out, but I don’t want to screw it up! My intention is to respect the hell out of her boundaries (which we’ve already discussed: no flirting, no 24/7 texting, etc) but I’m still hung up on the maybe-getting-back-together-in-a-year energy. I’m also trying to set my own boundaries wrt our relationship, by casually dating other people and focusing on my existing friendships.

Do you have any advice for transitioning from exes to friends, when there’s a chance of something more in the (not-so-distant) future?

A:

Himani: Honestly, I don’t know that you can transition from exes to friends as long as you are holding onto the hope that perhaps something more might happen in the future. I think you have to do some really honest and earnest thinking on your own about this. You mention that you’re planning to casually date other people and focus on existing friendships. But you also talk about the chance that maybe something more will happen with your ex. Perhaps this is just me, but I would imagine that it would be hard to earnestly invest into and move forward with other relationships (casual, friendship or otherwise) when you’re always holding in the back of your mind that there’s this possibility of “something more” with your ex looming.

I might be reading too much into what you’ve written, but it seems that the unstated part here is that the thing you actually really want to have happen is to get back together with your ex. If that’s truly the case, that’s completely understandable, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about that. And if that’s truly the case, then I think you need to, first, revisit why your relationship with your ex ended in the first place and if the core reasons for the break up have been resolved or if they still exist. And second, to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait for this possibility to come to fruition and when do you truly move on?

Kayla: I do think it’s really hard to make a friendship work with an ex if you find yourself thinking often about wanting to be back together. I think it’s hard for the same reasons it’s hard to be friends with ANYONE who you’re intensely longing for. Hard but not impossible. I think you’re doing a great job by honoring her boundaries and setting some of your own. Outside of that, there’s not much else to do! You can’t predict the future, and if you want to hold onto hope of getting back together, that’s fine. It’s not automatically unhealthy behavior, but it might be uncomfortable for you. Don’t let fantasies about the future or nostalgia for the past get in the way of the present. If you like the friendship, keep investing in the friendship without ulterior motives. If harboring a crush on your ex is too painful, maybe take some steps back in the friendship. You have to accept the fact that it’s totally possible you’ll never get back with your ex, and you can’t hold that against your ex, especially if she has expressed what she wants.

Q15:

Help! What pregnancy books did other queer folks read that didn’t make them want to throw the book out the window? I accidentally got some great books on childbirth but not actual pregnancy…

A:

Nicole: Hello! I’ve found you this list of book recommendations from KaeLyn . It might also be helpful to explore our queer parenting tag.! I also hope your fellow A+ members will put their recommendations in the comments!

Q16:

I wrote in months ago because my then-partner breached my trust by failing to disclose their covid exposure. We broke up soon after, which was definitely the right decision. However, I’m feeling a lot of jealousy towards them right now. They moved on VERY quickly, entering into a committed relationship less than three months after ours ended. They also got vaccinated much earlier than me and have since hung out with mutual friends of ours whom I haven’t seen in over a year. Obviously, they aren’t doing any of this to fuck with me (I hope), and they deserve to find happiness with other people. But I’m still heartbroken about how our relationship ended, and at the same time, I feel like I need to stay on good terms with them because we work in the same industry, belong to the same religious community, and have a bunch of mutual friends. I know this isn’t a unique experience, and that many other queer people successfully coexist in the same communities as their exes. But it’s new to me! How the hell do I cope with this situation?

A:

Kayla: I think it’s okay if you can’t achieve perfect coexistence right away. I know it has been a few months, but you’re still processing the breakup it sounds like, which means it will be hard to be in the same space as your ex for a little while. Especially if there are feelings of jealousy. I think some of what I wrote in this previous You Need Help might apply to your situation. Take all the time you need to grieve the end of your relationship (and don’t feel bad for being upset about it even though it was your choice to end things! Breakups are often hard regardless of who dumped who). Staying on good terms is a good goal, and it’s absolutely achievable, but it might take some time and also some boundary setting. You can set those boundaries explicitly with your ex when you’re in the same spaces (like saying “I would rather we not talk about X with each other”), but you should also internally set some boundaries. Like not looking at your ex’s social media for a while and other things like that. I do think time will help.

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