This feature image is from Broadly’s Gender Spectrum Collection.

Welcome to the 35th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.)

Today, we’re talking about dating, this summer of 2021 even! Have tips you want to share? We hope you will in the comments!

So, let’s dig in!

Welcome to the first themed A+ Advice Box: Summer 2021 Dating Edition!

This is not a question, but we’re including it anyway!

What great timing and theme for the first themed advice box! I’ve been extremely single for 6 (six!!) years and in those 6 years have only been on a couple first dates and they’ve all just fizzled out. However, friends, I’m going on on what feels like a promising date in a handful of days! We’re both fully vaxxed and are meeting in person! It’s been so long since I’ve even met a new person I feel like I don’t even remember how to meet people, how to date, what to wear, etc. I’m sure my date will have happened by the time the next Into the Advice Box is posted, but just want to share my excitement with you all!!

A:

Ro: Hooray! I hope you’re feeling proud of yourself for putting yourself out there! Going on a first date can feel scary when you’re out of practice. Fortunately, most of us are out of practice right now, so you and your date are probably feeling some of the same pre-date jitters. I hope it goes well! Thanks for sharing your joy with us!

Meg: This is so exciting! I hope that no matter how your date went you are proud of taking that chance, and that it was a positive and joyful experience for you. But I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it went really well, and that by now you have another date set!

Q1:

Dear Autostraddle Team,

First of all, I want to thank you so much for all of your work! I’ve been reading AS for 10 years and it was one of the websites I frequented when I was a closeted baby gay. Your work means more to me than I can ever express and I’m so happy I’m finally in a financial position to support you. OK ANYWAY on to my advice question.

I’m in a relationship with a wonderful, amazing, attractive girlfriend who truly makes an effort and cares about me SO much. I love her. We want to get married. So far so good, right? But I’m a traumatized gay who on some level knows that nothing good can last forever, and it makes me so sad! My girlfriend has complete faith that we will always stay together and work through any problem that might come our way. I want to believe this too, but I just have so much doubt! Every time we have a little conflict, every time my mentally ill brain blows something completely out of proportion, every time I’m reminded of our cultural differences or our different tastes in food or TV or our different communication styles… I think “oh gosh what if we break up one day over this???” (Or perhaps not EVERY time, but more often than I’d like.) It’s not fun to live in fear and I want to just have faith things will work out. Do any of you wise AS staff or Straddlers have any stories or advice about how love is not a lie, or about believing in relationships (would love to hear about successful nonmonogamous relationships), or about living in the moment? Is anyone apart from Heather in a good long-term relationship? Are we all doomed??

A:

Kayla: I think the main things I want to assure you of are: 1. We’re not all doomed 2. Just because relationships shift, change, or even end, it does not mean love is a lie. It sounds a little bit like you want to predict the future or even have someone predict the future FOR you. I cannot tell you that you and your girlfriend are going to be together forever. But I CAN tell you I think you might benefit from a total reframing of how you think about relationships, commitment, and planning for the future. I think you’re setting yourself up for failure a little bit by thinking of long-term relationships in terms of FOREVER. Does the relationship work for you and satisfy you right now? Yes, you have differences, but do those differences create problems that outweigh the healthy/fulfilling parts of your relationship? Are you working toward addressing and engaging with those differences in your relationship in order to reduce the conflict they cause? Or are they just stewing and therefore sowing these doubts about the future?

You can’t prepare for some unknowable future. Good long-term relationships will always include conflict and change and work. Rather than seeing that as a bad or doomed thing, I think it’s important to accept it. A relationship—like the individuals in it—should grow. Thinking about relationships in very fixed/“forever” terms will only stoke these doubts you’re talking about. It’s okay to plan for the future in a relationship, but it’s also important to know you can’t force a relationship into a box. These what-ifs are going to make it harder for you to really be in the present with your girlfriend, and that isn’t fair to either of you. I believe in healthy, committed, long-term relationships, because I believe in embracing growth, change, and transformation. And yes, sometimes change and growth can bring about the end of a relationship. But as much as breakups suck, I do not believe they are evidence that “love is a lie.” Sometimes a relationship is the exact right thing for the exact right moment in our lives, and just because it ends doesn’t mean we didn’t get something from it. If you want to have faith things will work out, I think you need to start with telling yourself things are working right now.

KaeLyn: Hello, as someone in a long-term currently monogamous relationship (16 years this past February), I’m here to tell you that love is not a lie. That said, the idea that love is enough to keep you together is definitely a lie. Love isn’t actually unconditional and shouldn’t be. That said, love is hardy and wonderful and it is often worth fighting for, with the exception of hard boundaries around safety, consent, and, frankly, your own happiness. Maintaining a relationship is hard work. It takes deep listening, constant communication, personal growth and sometimes professional support.

The truth about long-term relationships is that people change–we should and we must. You and your partner will both be different versions of yourself over time. Accept that change is something that happens and that you might find that those changes bring you closer together. They can also present new challenges. I’ve found that our hardest challenges have ultimately brought my partner and me closer and that’s how we built relationship resiliency over time.

I’m going to add one more thing that you can take or leave: check out attachment styles and see if you might resonate with an avoidant attachment style. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I have always called myself a commitment-phobe even though I’ve been in relationships for pretty much all my adult life. I found a lot of insight and relief when someone named it as an avoidant attachment style.

Himani: So, I am the last person on the planet to try to convince anyone love is not a lie, but I’m here to encourage you to spend some time working on your tendency to view every conflict with your partner from the lens of “what if we will break up over this.” Seeing the potential negative outcomes of an event isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I don’t think that anything is gained by denying the places our minds naturally want to go, but it may be worth exploring where this is coming from, through some journaling and also possibly with a therapist (if you’re not already in therapy). It’s very likely this framework is coming from things that far predate your relationship and you allude to this when you say, “I’m a traumatized gay.” You may find it helpful to work on building mental habits for when your brain starts catastrophizing the latest tiff in your relationship so that you recognize the pattern has less to do with your relationship and more to do with x thing that happened in the past. Of course, this is far easier said than done, but regardless something that will likely benefit you generally in life, in addition to in your relationship.

Rachel: I hate to always be the person who’s like “have you tried trauma therapy!” but I’d definitely agree with Himani’s observation that “it’s very likely this framework is coming from things that far predate your relationship” — I’m wondering if you notice that you’re prone to some black & white thinking in areas beyond your relationship. When something at your job doesn’t go the way you had imagined it, is your first thought “I’m a failure who’s going to be fired?” If a friend has to reschedule plans, is your first thought “our friendship is over, they don’t want to see me any more?” If that sounds familiar, it might make your life more manageable in many areas of life to work on these kind of (totally normal and often, at one point in our lives, adaptive) thought patterns to learn to recognize and be more comfortable with gray areas and dialectical realities (my girlfriend and I fight sometimes AND we love each other very much and are working on making our relationship healthier every day) without feeling like only one thing (my girlfriend and I fight OR our relationship is solid) can be true at once, and practice actually feeling like these things are true rather than just understanding them intellectually.

Nicole: Here to jump on the therapy train! Another thing you can try is couples’ therapy. It’s not just for people on the edge of impending relationship doom! You can go to couples’ therapy to work through how past, unrelated trauma is impacting your here and now and your current relationship. It’s also a safe, mediated space where you can develop tools you can use together to better communicate when you’re having doubts, feeling triggered, or spiraling in any other way. My partner and I went to couples therapy at our local LGBTQ center before moving in together because we both had trauma from past abusive live-in relationships and it helped us separate that trauma, those memories and ingrained reactions, from the reality (a lot like Rachel’s saying above). We just celebrated the third anniversary of a happy, fulfilling romantic relationship and firmly believe love is not a lie. Also, I want to heartily agree that sometimes a relationship (romantic, friendship, what-have-you) only lasts for a certain period of time and that’s okay. This is your invitation to be present and enjoy your time with your partner!

Q2:

So while everyone else has been bemoaning the lack of dating and sex for the past year, I’ve been realizing that I’m probably somewhere on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum? Which in some ways is a relief and empowering because I’ve secretly always felt like I was broken because I’ve never understood how relationships happen. It baffles me and it always has.

But also I’m worried that romantic and sexual relationships are an important part of this one wild and precious life of ours, and that I might live my whole life without experiencing something that seems very important and desirable. I watch movies and read books (and frankly Heather Hogan’s writing) and think… wow! That sounds amazing! To see and be seen. To Love and be loved! But then I open the apps and think “I could do this or I could do literally everything else I want to do in my life!”

So I don’t know, I’m trying to figure out what it would mean if I’m not wired for romantic and/or sexual relationships, and there’s not much out there to be roadmap for that, so, like, any thoughts y’all have would be amazing.

A:

KaeLyn: First of all, you’re not broken. It sounds like you have a lot of things in your life that are important and engaging for you and that all sounds hella’ healthy. If there is anything I’ve learned about queerness, it’s that it’s deeply individual and it definitely does not care about “being normal.” So…yeah, you’re good!

If you haven’t already, it might be worth reading up on asexuality and various spots along the spectrum including graysexual and demisexual identity. All that said, there isn’t a singular roadmap to figuring it out and sexuality can change of time. You may find an asexual identiy that works for you or you may not. You don’t need a label to validate how you feel. If you’re happy, then…great! You don’t need to prove anything to anyone and you can still cry at Heather’s deeply affecting personal essays about loving love.

Kayla: I want to preface this by saying that I am not on the asexual/aromantic spectrum, so feel free to ignore me if you’d rather hear from someone with those identities! But I just want to say that it is absolutely admirable and impressive that you know what you want! At least to me, your letter makes it sound like you’ve worked through some feelings and have landed on how you feel/what you want in life. That’s great! You said so yourself that this feels empowering/like a relief, so I think the next step is to listen to yourself. Just because something is seemingly desirable to others does not mean you have to force yourself to want the same thing. I also want to suggest that there are plenty of other ways to have fulfilling, satisfying, life-long connections and relationships that exist outside of romance and sex. Like friendships! I recommend this Chistina Tesoro piece on platonic intimacy or this Vanessa piece on investing in friendships. While mainstream narratives and pop culture tend to place a huge emphasis on traditional romance and sex (so it makes perfect sense that you’re feeling societal pressure), there are lots of people doing work on reimaging intimacy, relationships, and connection. If you need help with your own imagination for what your life could look like now that you know more of what you want, connecting with other aromantic and asexual people might provide some support!

Himani: I am also not asexual or aromantic, but like KaeLyn and Kayla, I want to affirm that romantic and/or sexual relationships are really not the be-all-end-all of life. As Kayla says, there are lots of other ways to get the kind of connection that you’re describing as being part of a romantic/sexual relationship (ie, the seeing and being seen, loving and being loved), but as a society we perpetuate this narrative that those things only happen through romantic/sexual relationships. Now, I will not pretend it isn’t hard — it can be incredibly difficult to build and maintain that kind of closeness with people who aren’t family members, outside of romantic relationships, especially as we get older, because everyone gets busy with other things in their lives and friendships tend to get the short shrift. But, it is definitely possible. As with anything in life, it’s a lot of work and a lot of luck, but I definitely have a few very close friends who, when I’m with them, I do feel deeply seen and I do feel deeply loved. With rare exceptions, people don’t typically write about that sort of thing because, well, it doesn’t sell quite the way a good, heartwarming romantic relationship does.

I’d encourage you to spend some time reflecting on the extent to which you yourself have bought into the narrative of love being a very specific thing tied to romantic/sexual relationships. I don’t say this to be critical — it’s something that I think pretty much everyone is sold at a young age and buys into from a young age, and we have to actively work to dismantle this in ourselves. But it’s possible you may find more acceptance with yourself and your sexuality as you work towards acknowledging the reality that not everyone will have the Heather-Hogan-style love story, not everyone even wants it, and that everyone (including Heather) has to find love in a lot of different places in their lives.

In addition to the resources KaeLyn and Kayla have mentioned, I highly recommend this interview published just this week where an asexual and aromantic woman speaks of her experiences of coming into those identities. (In case you haven’t already read it, that is.)

Nicole: Also going to add that we published this excerpt of Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen, which is a book you might want to check out!

Q3:

How does one date becoming disabled and having a completely unknown new life because of that? I almost died and then became disabled in 2017, and while I was in hospital, my wife at the time dumped me for another woman. It was a horrid experience and I have not recovered from it either physically or mentally. I have been in therapy and am trying to live my daily life as well as I can with my newly-ish acquired disabilities.

To my surprise, I had two short flings with long-time friends last autumn, so it seems there is some life left in me yet and some people still could want me despite everything. However I have never been comfortable with dating and I have no idea how to date as a disabled person and what I even would want after having lost all the dreams I had for my able-bodied life and now having to live this new life I do not want and have not chosen for myself. Where do I even start? How do I invite someone in into a life I don’t even want to be living myself? Will anyone ever desire me again? It doesn’t help that I live in a small-ish town I am unable to move out of due to my disabilities, and all the queer people I know here are poly (I have tried polyamory but it simply does not work for me). I am unable to trust anyone after the experience with my ex-wife and my daily life realities are so foreign to me now. But I am also, very horny and very queer. Please advise.

A:

KaeLyn: I want to make note of something you wrote: “How do I invite someone into a life I don’t even want to be living myself?” It seems the biggest challenge for you, though certainly there are many, is to believe you’re worthy of love and desire in your current body. Interestingly, you wonder about your desirability and in the same paragraph casually mention two flings just this past autumn, which tells me that you are an amazing, hot person and other people see it. It sounds like you don’t see it yet. That’s totally fair given what you’ve been through over the past few years. However, you will not be able to invite someone into your life meaningfully until you start working on the internalized stigma you seem to be working through about your disabilities. Because to have a healthy relationship you have to believe you are worthy of being loved. You clearly are! Frankly, I have absolutely no doubt that you’re hot as hell. If therapy is an option for you, I recommend it. In general, I’d suggest reading more queer disabled writers including romance authors. Start following more queer disabled influencers and artists. Expose yourself to more hot queer disabled people in whatever way you are comfortable with. Ultimately, you have to believe you’re hot! I realize your other question is about small-town dating and for that, I only have the typical advice: consider the apps and online dating (or hooking up, if that’s more what you’re looking for right now). Know that queer people are everywhere and making yourself visible and available is the first step to finding the ones you haven’t met yet.

Q4:

I am newly vaccinated and ready to start occasionally meeting new people again, outdoors and rarely but I feel like I’ve forgotten how to talk to people? I can only do totally surface level conversations that are 90% lies like ‘yeah I’m doing okay, keeping busy’ or total emotional unloading about how every day is the same, nothing ever happens, and I am horribly lonely. There’s no light gossip to share, any funny stories. I’ve got nothing.

I feel like I have forgotten how to have a normal, pleasant conversation, especially with new people! Where do I start?

A:

Ro: I strongly relate to this question! Here are some topics that are 1. don’t involve emotional unloading and 2. don’t require you to draw from the recent past:

-go to a park and talk about the people you see
-talk about a movie you just watched or a book you just read
-talk about your future plans
-talk about your pet
-talk about the music you like
-tell a funny story from your childhood
-talk about local politics
-talk about something you cooked recently

You can also focus on an activity (a board game, crafting, flying a kite, etc.), which might help take some of the pressure off of conversation. I hope that helps!

Kayla: I too can really relate to this and have a feeling that a lot of people will be able to! I think even for really extroverted and social people, there’s going to be a learning curve for basic social communication and connection in all contexts. I love Ro’s suggestions. And I super second the suggestion of having a specific activity to focus on. Especially if the activity or game is new to everyone involved, so much of the conversation’s focus is going to be on learning the activity/game. And then subsequent conversation might feel easier after the focus on the activity breaks the ice a bit. I also think it’s important to not be too hard on yourself when it comes to making “rules” for communication. Like if I were to tell myself “okay, you’re absolutely NOT allowed to talk about the pandemic at this social gathering,” I think it would set me up for failure and result in me talking exclusively about the pandemic lol. Maybe that’s just specific to me, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can absolutely stick to topics that feel comfortable/safe to you, but don’t beat yourself up if conversation is still a little awkward or uncomfortable or not exactly what you want it to be yet. I think it’s going to take practice for all of us!

Meg: This is so deeply real, and I just want to affirm your feelings and also echo the excellent advice that Ro and Kayla have already given. I think it’s going to take a long time for social gatherings to find a new kind of normal, and for those of us that have been intensely isolated for so long to remember what feels comfortable for us when we’re interacting with others. You’re absolutely not alone in feeling this, and I think being gentle with yourself and honoring that this is an impossible and probably an unprecedented experience for you (and many of us) is something that will be useful to remember.

Activities are a really strong choice right now, even if it’s something as simple as walking around a botanic garden or watching a movie or hiking a trail. Being able to do something together, particularly if it’s new to some or all of you, always inspires a lot of interesting conversation. Getting to learn a game or a sport, watching or listening to something that you can chat about afterwards, or having prepped something ahead of time with the intent to discuss as a pair or a group (a book you’ve all read, a wine you’ve all tasted) can give some easy conversational hooks and help you start to find a flow that feels natural.

I also just want to say that I think there is real value in NOT feeling like you have to be the same person that you were in the Before Times. Sometimes it’s a huge relief to just go “Wow, it’s so nice to be with people and also a little bit strange!” and just name the elephant in the room instead of putting endless pressure on yourself to be “normal,” whatever that even means anymore. I think you might be surprised by the ways that simply acknowledging how weird and new and bananas everything feels can help relieve a little anxiety, and give everyone something to bond over.

Rachel: I love everyone’s advice above SO much and also want to second Meg’s advice on naming the elephant in the room specifically, and add from my (limited) now in-person socializing that it’s been really affirming and freeing to have people say things like “I haven’t hung out with other people, forgive me if I’m weird” or “I’m noticing I’m having a lot of trouble making eye contact when I try to socialize now, if it seems like I’m not looking at you that’s why!” Doesn’t have to be a shameful admission, doesn’t have to be a big processing session, but can just look like “Would you be down to get a cup of coffee and walk & talk for an hour? I’m noticing my social battery is really not what it used to be but I’d love to get to know you better, an hour of hearing more about you sounds great!”

Q5:

Dear Autostraddle, please help!! How do I tell if I am self-sabotaging in my dating life? With my second covid vaccination appointment on the books, I am starting to think about actually going on dates again for the first time in a year and a half and have come to worry I might be subconsciously getting in my own way. I have been on many dates over the last 5 years, but with every person I find something that makes it “not right”, which I can almost never fully articulate but boils down to not feeling “enough” of a connection. I am 25 and never had a relationship at all. The only people I have been seriously seriously into in that time frame are both people who live, quite literally, on the other side of the country. I thought I had done enough work to unpack my religious upbringing and internalized homophobia, but now, I am wondering if I have at all. How do I figure out why I keep crushing on people who are physically unavailable to me, and not the ones who are close by? I know the two people I have had these big crushes on are great people, but I also know the same can be said of many available people who live nearby! I am starting to worry I am making up all these issues with local people because my brain still thinks I shouldn’t be gay and dating at all, and it feels really terrible to have this fear popping up when I thought I was very happily living my super gay and trans life! My therapist has really been no help with this and I am ready to just give up the idea of dating entirely because of it! I want to have a partner and love the idea of being in love, I just don’t know how to get there.. pls help!

A:

Ro: You’re concerned that your relationship choices might be a result of internalized homophobia, and you might be right! I hope you’ll continue to explore that possibility and unpack your past with your therapist. But I want to throw in an alternate perspective. There’s a chance that your actions are only partially related to your religious trauma — you might also be scared of what’s unfamiliar.

If you’re used to being in LDRs, then that’s where you probably feel most comfortable. And it’s easy to get comfortable with LDRs! With a long distance partner, you don’t have to deal with the stress that can sometimes come along with integrating into each other’s social circles or navigating public spaces together. And when you can always show your partner your “best” angles when you send them nudes and chat on FaceTime, you’re also free from the degree of insecurities that can come up during real deal, skin-on-skin sex.

When you’re dating someone who lives in your area, the stakes are much higher. It makes sense that you’re hesitant to try that. You say that you want a partner and want to be in love. Those are totally valid desires, and they’re the reasons why many of us date. But going into dating with those specific desires at the forefront (i.e. having a goal-oriented mindset) puts a whole lot of pressure on dating! So take some of that pressure off. Date with the intention of getting to know different kinds of people instead. Or date with the intention of getting to know yourself. After all, the whole point of dating is to find a person or people who you really dig, and you’re probably not going to find that person or those people right away. You might as well find ways to enjoy and learn from the process.

Kayla: My gut instinct tells me that if you feel like you’re maybe self-sabotaging your dating life, you’re probably self-sabotaging your love life lol. But that’s okay! Now that you’ve identified the issue, you can work on addressing it. It sounds to me like you’re placing too much pressure on your dating situations. I agree that your internalized homophobia could have an impact on the way you view these situations, and I also agree with Ro that it could be other factors like unfamiliarity. Or maybe you’re placing too much emphasis on expectations for how something should feel/look instead of really living in the moment and listening to yourself. I think it’s often a misconception that when we meet someone we’re into there’s an INSTANT connection. A lot of relationships come from a gradual connection. Give things time. Date without setting arbitrary goals for yourself. Date without the assumption that everything is going to instantly feel MAGICAL and PERFECT.

Here’s something you can try: If you go on a date or connect with someone, journal after. Set some intentions and document your initial feelings. Again, I don’t think you should place a bunch of pressure on these intentions (which I see as different from expectations). But if you feel like you could see yourself going on a second date or continuing to talk to them, write it down. Then maybe it’ll be harder for you to later doubt your own feelings. Write down the things that stand out to you about the person. Not a literal pros and cons list about them, but sort of an assessment of where you are, what you want, and what you do like about them, even if it’s as simple as the way they smell or a funny thing they said. Again, this just might make it harder for you to start doubting yourself later on or immediately hyperfocus on any flaws.

Q6:

Hello perfect Autostraddle babes!

I am thirty and have only ever dated people within a few years of my age. I have always been deeply uninterested in dating someone much younger than me, but have fantasized about dating someone older. To me, no one is cooler than a 40-something lesbian. I would love to date some, but I’m scared and insecure about it! What is the appeal of dating someone so much younger? Once in a dream, a divorced blonde with red lipstick and nails told me that younger people had enthusiasm and were willing to learn, unlike her ex-husband. I have taken her words to heart, but that was a long time ago and I need more encouragement.

I would love to hear perspectives and personal experiences re: May/December relationships. Thank you!

A:

Ro: Go for it! I was in a long-term relationship with a woman who is nineteen years older than I am. Our relationship ended after a few years, but our nearly 20-year age gap played absolutely no role in that. I can’t speak for queer women in their 40s and 50s, but I can speak to the dynamic that my ex and I shared. We both appreciated learning about each other’s upbringings in different decades. We liked learning each other’s cultural references and trading playlists (she got me into New Wave and I got her into the latest hardcore bands). We liked introducing each other to our markedly different social groups. Our relationship was an exciting journey for both of us, and I’m so grateful that I got to have that experience. I think the queer commnity is more open to age gaps overall. There are definitely older women out there who are looking to date someone younger, so adjust those age settings on your dating app and find yourself a May/December romance!

Kayla: I also think you should follow your heart and go for it! I am in the tail end of my twenties and am in a long-term relationship with a 40-year-old woman. The age gap most often comes up when it comes to cultural references, and we’re just jokey and playful about it with each other! There are of course differences between us, but that’s just true in all relationships. Also yeah, don’t worry, there are plenty of people who are 1. Like you and want to be in a relationship with someone older and 2. Older queers who want to date someone young like you. So don’t be scared! Just also maybe don’t put the idea of an age gap relationship on a pedestal. At the end of the day, relationships are relationships. Just because someone’s older doesn’t mean they necessarily are wiser or “better at” relationships than younger folks. But yeah go for it!!!!! My experience has been great :)

Vanessa: Signing on as another person here telling you to go for it! I’m 32 and my partner is 41, and while I don’t consider our age gap huge, it is almost a decade, which is not nothing! Anyhow long story short, I love it! My boyfriend is super hot, very grounded, and she knows exactly what she wants. Here’s the thing though: I think she likes me because I’m also super hot, very grounded, and know exactly what I want ;) I’m kidding, kind of, but I want to highlight that some age difference stuff does show up for real (Kayla is right about cultural references, and we are silly and teasing about those too in my relationship) but some of it is projected or can really be hit or miss. I’ve met dykes in their 60s who absolutely do not have their shit together and I’ve met dykes in their 20s who were wise beyond their years. Sometimes dating stuff is sort of spontaneous and you think you are looking for one thing and life throws you a curveball. But also, yes, own your feelings — you’re right, 40-something lesbians are super cool. Don’t fetishize them outright (unless they’re into that — but even so, most people don’t like to be turned into objects before you’ve ever gone on a date) but definitely open your mind to the fact that you’re worthy and capable of dating someone much older, and do the material things to make that happen too (change your age range on the apps, tell friends you’re open to people up through age [whatever], flirt with older lesbians at the patio of the bar this summer… live your dreams! This is your sign to go for it! You’re welcome.

Q7:

Oooh I have a summer dating question! I am looking to date myself a little bit after big changes although I have precious little “me time” and would love suggestions.

More specifically: I recently had a baby. Earth shattering! Heart exploding! Body transforming! Do you have any advice for reconnecting with yourself after a big change? Meeting a new you? Tiny acts of decadence? Feeling hot as a grownup tomboy in the midst of an experience that is heavily pushed as Hetero-femme-nonsexual?

A:

KaeLyn: Hi! Yes, having a kid just changes the whole game, doesn’t it? I was super dedicated to being one of those cool feminist moms who changes the world and brings my kid to every protest and is out organizing in the streets and home for bedtime. Guess what? That did not work out the way I’d imagined it would, especially when the baby grew into a toddler.

Start by acknowledging your new you, new body, new ability to sort of function without sleep. You are different now and, somehow, you’re still you in there. One of the biggest gifts that AS gave me as a reader was seeing other queer parents who are bucking norms and still being whole human people separate from their children. There aren’t a lot of models for queer parenting and what’s out there is primarily for hetero cis traditionally-feminine-gender-role-wearing moms.

Alone time is precious, so get it if you can. However, if you don’t have affordable childcare or, frankly, can’t justify the expense, I suggest finding ways to fit the things that you need around your parent life. This past Saturday, I put on a whole face of hot pink makeup, stick-on jewels, and fake eyelashes and went to a Zoom nightclub with my spouse/co-parent. I had the baby monitor next to my laptop and whiskey and it was a great gay time! Whatever your thing is that makes you feel hot, silly, indulgent, make the effort to do it during naptime or whenever you can sneak away.

Lastly, go online or out in the world and find other tomboy queer parents. Talking endlessly about your kids is way more fun and restorative when it’s with people who don’t buy into the heteropatriarchy. I’ve found that making my parenting experience more queer has helped me retain a queer identity and be able to survive the “mommy cult” that is otherwise unavoidable. Being a parent is part of who you are now and so is being a badass queer person.

Ro: Congrats on becoming a parent! I’ve never had that experience, but I have absolutely spent some time dating myself following big life changes (ending a long-term relationship, recovering from an eating disorder, making a huge career change, etc.). Here are some decadent things I did during those times (and that I still occasionally practice) to connect with myself:

-I started eating dark chocolate with my morning coffee. This was years ago, and I still start my day with dessert. I cannot recommend this enough.
-I did a LOT of things by myself. I saw movies by myself. I went to concerts by myself. I regularly sang karaoke by myself.
-I learned skills that were totally new for me — I took a trapeze class. Then I joined a rock climbing gym. Then I started doing stand-up comedy.
-I finally invested in higher-quality underwear.
-I changed my hairstyle. Then I changed it again.

Kayla: YES to dating yourself! If you have access to affordable childcare, I highly recommend quite literally having date nights with YOU where you do an activity like going to the movies, going to a restaurant, going to the park, going to a museum, completely by yourself. You can even make it feel like a date by dressing up or buying yourself flowers. I promise it feels less corny than it sounds! Also, as for feeling hot, I recommend taking hella selfies—either just for yourself, to post, to send to pals who are gonna hype you up. Selfies absolutely helped me confront a major life change a few years ago.

Q8:

Question: how to date your partner in Summer 2021?? What are some fun ideas for dating the human you spent 100% of 2020 with? I’m looking to capture the fun flirty I choose to spend time with you in warm weather vibes of a fresh new summer. (And I want to shake off the dusty musty waking up to you again maybe let’s cuddle vibes of the looong winter that was 2020. I love my person dearly but also I have spent a year listening to the same person chew, you know?)

A:

Ro: I love that you’re being thoughtful about this! My top two tips are: 1. Schedule regular “date nights,” and 2. Prioritize novelty. Here are some more specific ideas to get you started: Pretend to be tourists in your own area and check out landmarks and museums you’ve never visited before. Take a dance class or an art class together. Have picnics. Attend a protest together. Throw an outdoor party together. Set a weird goal together (like trying every single Sonic shake flavor) and work towards that goal throughout the summer. Go on a picnic. Go camping. Attend an outdoor concert. Catch a drive-in movie. Bring a portable speaker, put on some cute tunes and slow dance in a park.

Kayla: I’m in the same boat as you! I feel so very lucky that my partner and I are not sick of each other after a year stuck together in very close proximity, and while I look forward to having some space, I also am looking forward to making our relationship feel more dynamic, surprising, and activity-filled again. I’m hoping to recreate some of our past dates (we used to do fancy tasting menus at restaurants back when we could still go to restaurants) but I’m also hoping to try things that are new to BOTH of us! One thing you could try out is taking turns being in charge of planning a surprise date day/night with each other. It gives each person a chance to choose the activities, and it allows room for spontaneity and suspense! In other words, very New Relationship Energy.

Vanessa: This is somewhat tangential to your main question but I think really helps: spend some time intentionally away from each other! I know you’re asking how to date in a fun way again, so spending time purposefully apart sort of seems counterintuitive, but as both Ro and Kayla are saying, the name of the game here is to try to revive some novelty and new relationship energy in your very comfortable and cozy partnership, and nothing says “new” than not knowing every single thing that your partner has done all day/night. It sounds like you and your person live together, so you’ll have to plan for this: make some intentional evenings that you won’t spend together and get back into the joys of alone time. Go out with pals, order in, go for a solo walk, make a long distance phone call… whatever you wanna do, do it, just do it solo. (If you don’t live with your partner this is even easier and can include all night activities because they won’t be coming home!) I think investing in your self and your solitude provides a really strong base to infuse newness into your dates with your partner, and will keep your relationship healthy for many more seasons to come!

Q9:

I’m a woman of color and I’m noticing that most of the people I’ve dating have been White. At this point it’s hard to ignore and I’m trying to unpack why that is. I look at people of all races, but for whatever reason I haven’t gone out with many people who aren’t White. I’ve had very good experiences with these people so that’s not the issue, I just wonder if I’m holding some underlying internalized beliefs about beauty/attraction. I’ve heard the phrase “decolonizing my desire” and that sounds like something I want to try. But I’ve tried looking it up and haven’t found much. Do you have any resources that you would recommend, like books, blogs, exercises, etc.?

A:

KaeLyn: The answer is, white people are everywhere and extremely easy to find, in addition to being the universal symbols of accepted hotness fueling internalized racism, etc. It’s all true, but it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. That said, I suggest starting an intentional practice, if decolonizing your desire is something that appeals to you. Unfortunately, the effects of colonization are everywhere, so decolonizing has to be an active process.

You probably do have implicit biases because we all do, so you need to retrain your brain. It’s not as hard as you might think. You just need to give your brain new, better info.

Some starting points:
-Make a point to follow more hot QTBIPOC people on Instagram, TikTok, wherever you’re getting your content. Aim to have a timeline flooded with cute QTBIPOC folks.
-Get comfortable with the role that white people have played in violent colonization and that means the white people we’ve dated or are dating. This can play out in trauma in our relationships, some of which we’ve been socialized to accept as “normal.” Reflect on how intergenerational trauma and racism has played out in your relationships.

Lastly, make a commitment to love yourself, by which I mean that you are allowed to love who you love. We can’t always control who we fall for. That said, you can choose to date QTBIPOC people or people who share a racial or ethnic identity with you only. You also may continue to fall for white people, who are truly in abundance and unaware that anything in this world isn’t for them. If you continue to date white people, you can love yourself and respect yourself enough to not date anyone who isn’t willing to work to decolonize your love including owning their own white privilege and complicit relationship with white supremacy, including being willing to be called in when they use a microaggression or say or do something racist.

Good luck!

Q10:

Hello beautiful humans!! How do you ask folks you’re sleeping with casually when/if they’ve been STI tested recently? How often are you having these kinds of convos? I‘ve made it a practice to get tested after having sex with any new person, even if it was just a one-time thing, and I’m aware not everyone in the queer community does that/recognize that access can create a barrier to frequent testing. I know the answer is partially “you just ask them,” so have y’all had success in keeping these convos safe and sexy?

A:

Ro: First, determine exactly what your own safer sex practices are and determine what you expect from potential partners. It sounds like getting tested yourself is important to you. Do you also use barriers with partners? Are there specific sex acts you will or won’t do with a new partner because of STI risks? Are you only open to having sex with folks who have also been recently tested? Are you open to using barriers as an alternative safer sex practice if you’re with a partner who can’t easily access testing or doesn’t want to get tested? What are your protocols when it comes to having sex with folks who disclose STIs? If you have an STI, what treatment and safer sex practices do implement to protect your partners? Are you prepared to have an informed conversation about the risks of different STIs (if not, study up!)?

Once you’ve answered all of those questions for yourself, you’ll have a much easier time navigating these conversations and knowing what to ask potential partners. I like to start by saying, “My safer sex pratices are [BLANK]. What are your safer sex practices?” This allows me to communicate my needs and boundaries and gives my potential partners an opportunity to share their needs and boundaries, which may or may not align with my own. In my experience, those conversations have been pretty quick and easy when there’s mutual respect involved.

Keep in mind that folks who are living with STIs are generally really, really informed about safer sex, so don’t write someone off if they disclose an STI! Disclosure is an act of honesty and trust, so be prepared to honor it for what it is. Your potential partner might be receiving treatment that reduces or fully eliminate the risk of transmission, and even if that isn’t the case, you and your partner can agree on safer sex practices that will reduce or eliminate the risk of transmission.

Rachel: Definitely agree with Ro that being clear & open around your own practices and testing is super helpful; starting from a place of sharing can make the conversation less one-sidedly vulnerable and less like someone is being judged. “Hey, just wanted to check in about some safer sex stuff – I was last tested on DATE, and my results were DATE. What are your safer sex practices/ do you have any statuses you want to share? How do you feel about us getting tested before hooking up?” Asking more open-ended questions (how do you feel about/what are your thoughts on) can get you more & better info and avoid coming across as ARE YOU CLEAN?? I’d also echo Ro that it’s great to think ahead of time about your approaches to hookups with people who do disclose an STI; super important to make sure we aren’t thinking of testing as “proof you’re STI-free!”

Q11:

Hey everyone!

I’ve got a big and mutual crush on this awesome girl which is great! We’ve flirted a bunch and she’s asked me out which is also great!

The only issue is sex. It just really grosses me out. In theory, I love sex. I masturbate sometimes and whilst its happening its great, but immediately after I just feel super gross. I think this is partly because I don’t like bodily fluids on me, I’ve found masturbating in the shower has helped this a bit, but the gross feeling is still there. Even kissing is sometimes as issue for me cause of the potential saliva.

My previous way of dealing with these feelings has been to just get drunk before hooking up with anyone which obviously isn’t super healthy.

I’ve always assumed the icky feeling came from hooking up with guys who I never really liked (I now realise I’m a total lesbian) so I’m struggling with the fact I think these feelings are just how I am with sexy stuff.

I really like this girl, but I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I can’t have sex. Is it unfair on this girl to experiment if and how I can have sex without feeling icky with her? I don’t even know how/when I’d discuss it. It feels presumptuous and oversharing to bring up before we properly date, but what if the first date leads to kissing or sex which leads to feeling icky and uncomfortable?

TLDR: How and when do I bring up feeling icky and gross with sex and kissing in a potential new relationship?

Any advice would be much appreciated!

A:

Kayla: I think something you need to decide is if you want to work toward changing your relationship with sex. If the answer to that is yes, then I think it might help to try to explore where these feelings are coming from, which can be done in a therapy setting or on your own. Is it possible your past sexual experiences are informing this? Has anyone in your life ever said anything to you about your body or bodies in general that has had a lasting impact on you? You say that you love sex in theory, so what is it that you like about it? Are there specific physical sensations that you enjoy? Are you able to more specifically describe these “gross” feelings you have after masturbating? These are just some of the questions that might be helpful to ask yourself—sort of like a personal sex inventory. It might help you unlock where some of these feelings stem from. They could be societal, personal, socially-informed, who knows! Maybe you could even write down how you feel after masturbating. Everyone has a complex and often changing relationship to sex, and sometimes we really have to quite literally collect data on ourselves to figure out what we like/want/need/etc.

You never owe another person a run down of your sexual history/experiences, but I do think that it might be in everyone’s best interests if you’re able to talk to your mutual crush about your general feelings about sex before you get into a sexual situation with her. That said, if you’re not comfortable with that yet, it’s absolutely not a requirement! You have a right to end any sexual interaction that feels uncomfortable for you at any point. But I do think that if you are sort of approaching this as an “experiment” to figure out how you feel about sex with her, then she should probably know that. It’ll make everyone more comfortable. You don’t need to go into too many details if you don’t want to! And I also think that if you communicate clearly ahead of time, you might feel more secure and confident when it comes to communicating anything DURING potential sexy time.

Ro: I love Kayla’s advice and encourage you to explore your thoughts and feelings and experiment if you feel comfortable doing so! I want to add that if you discover that this is purely a sensory issue (i.e. it’s not rooted in any shame or trauma around sex — your body and brain just don’t like the feeling of fluids), there are ways to give and receive sexual pleasure that don’t involve contact with bodily fluids. You can wear latex or nitrile gloves for hand sex. You can use a powerful vibrator on your partner over their pants or underwear. You can try mutual masturbation. You can stimulate your partner’s nipples. You can also foster sexual intimacy through kink and BDSM, which don’t have to involve any kind of sexual contact (role play, bondage, spanking, etc.). All of the things I just described are super fun and super hot! Tell your partner what you’re up for and give it a go!

Q12:

This is for the A+ dating advice column- can we talk about the difference between mental health struggles and abusive behaviors in a partner? I recently saw a thread on twitter about how to help someone with borderline personality disorder that you’re dating and to me it read a lot like tips on managing their feelings for them and being codependent so they wouldn’t think you’re abandoning them, not being able to ask for personal space to avoid upsetting them, etc.

I have my own generalized anxiety/PTSD stuff that I work really hard to manage so it doesn’t directly affect my partners, and so I tend to let things slide in relationships when my partner discloses a mental health issue- I justify what I think is probably bad behavior because I’m not perfect either when I’m really in my anxiety.

This has been a pattern for me, but most recently my ex-girlfriend regularly lost her temper, would call over and over if I didn’t pick up, send 100+ texts if I didn’t answer the first one, got upset whenever I tried to have boundaries around my hobbies, work, friendships, etc. It took me months of escalating behavior before I broke up with her- she was really amazing when she wasn’t doing all those things, so I kept trying to be understanding. She told me I just wasn’t patient enough because she had all this trauma background that made her like that.

So like, how do I separate being understanding and supportive and helpful from getting sucked into a situation where I can’t have good boundaries and be safe? It seems like it should be obvious but I don’t have a good track record for seeing actual red flags.

A:

Ro: It’s possible to maintain a relationship and be a good partner when you have a mental illness if you have self-awareness. It sounds like your ex lacked self-awareness around her behavior. After crossing a boundary, a self-aware partner reflects on their behavior, apologizes and collaborates with their partner on a plan for how they’ll handle those situations in the future. When your ex said you weren’t patient enough, she took zero responsibility for her actions and put all of the labor on you. That is absolutely not ok.

I live with mental illness and I’ve dated multiple people who also live with mental illness. Some practices I’ve adopted over time include: talking to my partner about the ways my mental illness might manifest and asking them to do the same, sharing any warning signs (in my case, that means telling my partner what it looks like when I’m about to have a panic attack), making a plan for how to handle specific mental illness symptoms together, and setting clear boundaries around how we’ll engage with each other when certain symptoms arise. I’m also actively treating my mental illness through daily practices and therapy, and I make sure that my partners have tools for handling their mental health. If you’re dating someone who isn’t taking any steps towards caring for their mental health or if they’re unable to be accountable for harm they’ve caused — those are red flags.

Kayla: Here’s something I remind myself of often: In relationships, people’s mental health history and past trauma often provides context for their behavior, but that does not automatically mean that they justify it. There’s a big difference between mental health informing one’s actions and using mental health as a way to avoid accountability. And everything Ro said about self-awareness is so crucial, too. If a partner crosses a boundary, it’s absolutely okay for them to provide context by saying “I think I did X because of Y,” but it doesn’t stop there. If it stops there, that’s when bad patterns can form. The context is meaningful, but there needs to be an acknowledgement of the wrongdoing and an active commitment to addressing the underlying issue and coming up with different, healthier ways to handle it next time. And to me, active commitment sounds/looks a lot different than someone just saying “I promise I won’t do this again.” It should be more specific than that. Like “instead of reacting like X, I’m going to do Y” or “I’m going to remind myself of X any time I start to feel Y.”

Rachel: I’m super glad you asked this, and would love to see more discussion of this! It’s been really helpful for me to work with an understanding of abuse as *a pattern of behavior centered around control and domination* — something that happens repeatedly and consistently specifically around controlling another person’s behavior, boundaries or selfhood, regardless of the specific mechanism or how a person presents (i.e. crying meltdowns and threatening to self-harm vs. threats and verbal abuse). (If you’d like to read more about this and about what constitutes abuse/an abusive person I’d definitely recommend Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?”) Mental illness definitely doesn’t have to have any relationship to abuse or patterns of control — having a hard time meeting other people’s needs due to low capacity, having a lot of needs, or having trouble communicating about needs are super common and can be challenging but not abuse!

However, things that are not abuse can also be unhealthy for us to be in relationships with, and that’s fine! Something doesn’t need to be abuse for us to say it’s not a good situation for us. I wrote this piece a long time ago encouraging someone to leave a relationship that sounded unhealthy, and I remember someone in the comments being upset I called the partner “abusive” — actually I have no idea if that dynamic was ‘abusive’ or not, but being not-abusive wouldn’t mean it was good or healthy to stay in.

Personality disorders, like BPD or NPD, are a unique category in the umbrella of ‘mental illness’ because personality disorders are linked to our developmental growth and relationships from early in life more than our brain chemistry, and generally manifest in both one’s relationship with self and others. While something like depression or anxiety might have some developments that impact relationships, personality disorders essentially “live” in relationships and our interactions with others. (Full disclosure, I grew up with a parent who has a personality disorder and was abusive, and in my case those things were definitely related, although that doesn’t mean they were interchangeable!) This doesn’t mean that people with people with personality disorders are inherently abusive, but does mean that it’s something that will need to be managed and navigated constantly (kind of like how people with eating disorders will always be engaging with that recovery process for life, as food is a necessary part of survival). And it’s definitely possible for the manifestation or management (or lack thereof) of someone’s personality disorder to make a relationship unhealthy or abusive for their partner, much as a neurotypical person’s poor management of their jealousy can make a relationship abusive.

In terms of how to manage these multiplicities in an actual relationship, I think it’s really helpful for everyone (including mentally ill and personality disordered people, who are also at increased risk for abuse!) to have a really solid internal sense of your own non-negotiable needs and boundaries, and know that a healthy partner won’t expect those to shift with their mental illness – i.e. your boundaries around your time or privacy or what constitutes codependency aren’t expected to change if their mental health is suffering (although you might renegotiate how everyone gets needs met). It sounds like your ex definitely told you that changing or giving up your boundaries while she was struggling with mental health was ‘not supporting her,’ which is… not true! It’s also really key to have (ideally) a trusted and supportive network of people you talk to about your relationships and your boundaries to help keep perspective, as especially when we really love someone, it’s easy for us to not see when either we’re asking someone to accommodate us in an unhealthy way or we’re agreeing to accommodate someone else in an unhealthy way. For people doing BPD recovery work this could look like a DBT skills group or therapist; another option is Mia Mingus’s model of accountability pods: “people that you would call on if violence, harm or abuse happened to you; or the people that you would call on if you wanted support in taking accountability for violence, harm or abuse that you’ve done; or if you witnessed violence or if someone you care about was being violent or being abused.”

Q13:

I’m about seven months out of my last relationship and ready to date again. But, I’m overwhelmed by online dating! Especially after a year at the computer… the amount of labor on swiping and messaging per actual date seems like a real shit ratio. And people ghost, ofc so much going on for everyone, and then I get too busy and do the same. What’s the work around here??? We aren’t yet hanging at bars and meeting strangers, and everyone is still so tender around the edges. I’d like to use online dating as a way to meet someone (given current lack of other options) but is there a way to make it feel less labor intensive?
<3

A:

Ro: I have three ideas for you: 1. Quit using swipe-heavy apps and switch to something like OkCupid, which allows you to write a much longer bio and answer a long list of questions about yourself. Creating a solid OkCupid profile takes time, so the folks with extensive profiles are most likely there because they’re taking dating seriously. Technically, this is labor-intensive, but mostly on the front end. It might help you find more appropriate matches who are less likely to ghost.
2. Find out if your area has any online speed dating events/ mixers or in-person speed dating events/ mixers with safety precautions that feel comfortable for you and try it out.
3. Start attending group events that follow safety precautions that feel comfortable for you. Maybe there’s a queer hiking club you can join, or maybe your friend is having a socially-distant barbecue where you can meet potential lovers. This option isn’t labor intensive — you just have to show up, and if you don’t crush on anyone you meet there, you’ll probably have fun anyway!
Good luck!

Himani: Ro’s advice is very solid. I will also share a technique I have been employing lately for online apps, because I can relate so much with everything you’re saying re: labor intensive, getting busy, but also — still in a pandemic. Currently I am using Hinge and I don’t know exactly how much of this will translate over to other apps like Her and whatnot but I imagine it will to some extent. (Lex is a lost cause IMO so I have fully given up on it.)

I’ve, more or less, stopped swiping people and reaching out to them cold because you’re right that you do a lot of work swiping and putting together thoughtful messages to not even get a reply like 99% of the time. I stay just engaged enough (occasionally go through a couple of profiles and mark the ones I’m interested in / am not interested in) so that I stay in the algorithm but that’s it. And then I wait for someone to like my profile, and I invest whatever energy I can summon up in engaging with that person if I am also interested in them based on their profile. Now, let’s be clear. I’m a South Asian woman: people are not, exactly, lining up at my door. So for me, this approach means very, very low engagement but I’ve found it to be more satisfying because more of those people tend to actually have some kind of meaningful exchange with me. And after a little bit of that, I suggest a video chat or phone call to mix it up, because it is very hard for me to continue to stay interested in someone I’ve never met solely over text-based communication when there are very few other things we share in common to talk about (like a job or school).

I’m not going to pretend that this method is foolproof, because it definitely is not, but I just wanted to share it as another thing to experiment with while continuing to rely on virtual means for meeting people that (for me at least) has taken some of the labor out of the online dating process.

Q14

Hey! I have a dating question for all of you! So for the past 4 years I was dealing with the emotional trauma from my last (and first) relationship. It’s a real soap opera but that’s for another day. Anyway, thanks to therapy, I realized that I never had FUN dating. I’m almost 30 and I feel like I lost my prime time to do that. I feel like a weight has been lifted by just dating for dating sake. My therapist believes it’s because I’m finally taking control for once, whereas my ex took control. I had fun date last week and I know we’ll never see each other again (her ex is still a thing, ya know, good ol lez drama). but we had FUN, so mission accomplished. by now, i’d be clingly and stuff but NO MORE! I’m also looking for causal relationships to learn to trust again before jumping into a bigger relationship. yes, my ex messed me up that much.

Anyway, my question! So even though I avoided Tinder like the plague, I’m back on because most people there don’t look for anything serious right? Anyway, how do I write the best bio? Do I SAY I’m only looking for something casual? Sex doesn’t even have to happen for me. Also, in general, what are some tips when it comes to strictly dating casually? don’t hold back. assume I know nothing. literally never done that so tips or guidance on how to navigate that would be great! like if someone develops srs feelings for me or knowing if I want to take things further. how to date someone in an open relationship/marriage?

A:

Ro: Welcome back to the apps! There are definitely some folks who are looking for a long-term, committed relationship on Tinder, but in my experience, it seems like the vast majority of users are looking for something casual or are open to different possibilities. Rachel wrote this incredible helpful article about how to write the perfect dating app bio, and I highly recommend that you check it out! Rachel suggests being clear about what you’re looking for, and I agree that YES, you should absolutely be up front about the fact that you’re only looking for something casual. Include this in your bio AND include in any messages you exchange with the folks you match with. Ensuring that everyone is on the same page is an act of kindness! Also dating people with similar intentions is the key to keeping it casual. This is something that Vanessa mentions in this brilliant guide to casual dating. Add this one to your reading list!

Q15

I’m a 60 year old transwoman in a longterm marriage with a cis woman. She has no interest in me sexually and has indicated it’s fine for me to find a woman to experience sex with as a woman. The problem is where/how might I find such a woman. I have been disappointed with both Lex and Her apps and the social restrictions under COVID are not helping. Thoughts?

Nicole: Hello! Thank you so much for writing in. I am here to encourage you to take a look at the resources linked by Ro and their advice in the last question above which is very similar to your question! To emphasize, if you’re looking for casual sex, then the best route is being up front about that, as with anything else you’re looking for! To add to that, not that apps are necessarily the answer forever, and it’s my understanding that their level of usability varies by region (and who’s in your region), here’s Autostraddle’s Dating Download series for in-depth reviews of dating apps by Dani Janae, Drew, and Shelli Nicole in conversation with each other in case you want to try something new. It sounds like you haven’t tried Tinder yet, which Ro recommends above. Here’s one more link, which is Chingy’s guide to cruising for lesbian sex which might be helpful as you may choose to go to outdoor events where you can meet people in an outdoor environment (Pride’s coming up)! I don’t know the extent to which you’re tapped into your local queer community, so I’m pulling this out of thin air and this also feels obvious so maybe you’ve already thought of this, but if your answer is something like “not very involved,” I would encourage you to find out what events, online or outdoors, your local LGBTQ spaces are hosting — and if you want, attend a few things. Without knowing what you’re into or where you live, just generally queer spaces can run the gamut from gay D&D groups to pop-up queer dance parties to bookstores and performance spaces so I encourage you to do some research and see what’s around. The more you grow your queer network, the more queer women you will know outside of dating apps and the more likely you are to meet someone!

Also, I wanted to link to some of Autostraddle’s resources on non-monogamy in case they’re helpful. Here’s a reading list from Bailey, a list of podcasts also from Bailey, and our entire non-monogamy tag. Wishing you all good things this summer!

Thank you to everyone who submitted questions for this themed edition. Team Autostraddle is wishing you nothing but THE BEST of luck in dating (new people, yourself, your partners(s)) and hooking up this summer!

What’s the next theme you ask? It’s D I V O R C E. It can be messy and is also incredibly common! Bring us all your non-legal (because we are many things but we are not lawyers) questions! Are you considering getting divorced? Are you afraid of getting divorced but desperately want to? Do you have lingering feelings or obstacles you’re facing because you have been divorced? Do you need advice about trying something new, getting out there, or adorning yourself in the perfect divorcee wardrobe after become once, twice or thrice divorced? Are you considering leaving your husband because you’re a lesbian? Are you as tired as Nicole is of having to check the *divorced* box on every form on earth? We want to hear from you! The post will run next month on the second Friday, so please get your questions into the A+ Advice Box by Monday, June 7!

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