Welcome to the 34th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

AND a Special Announcement: we’re trying a new thing where the second Into the A+ Advice Box of each month will be themed. This month’s theme is Summer 2021 Dating. This is an expansive viewpoint, so questions ranging from getting started with dating to navigating dating whether or not you are going to be engaging in in-person interactions, to dating dynamics within relationships and friend groups — whatever you can imagine for your summer dating situation — are welcome! To have a chance to have your dating question answered in this themed post, please get your questions in by Monday, May 10, 2021! Next theme: Divorce. You’re also welcome to submit questions for next month (on the divorce theme) ahead of time and your non-themed questions at any time! We’ll continue to have a general Into the A+ Advice Box post published on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

Hi AS team! Thanks so much for your advice columns. I’ve been reading them all these past few months and relating hard to a lot of the questions.

I’ve been extremely lucky throughout this pandemic, thank god – working full time remotely, quarantining at times with my parents with whom I feel safe, etc. I’ve been trying to use some of my extra time to volunteer, learn new things, and explore what I want to do with my life once this is all over.

One of my friends, who was unemployed right before the pandemic began, has been staying with her family and stuck in stasis this whole time. From our convos, it seems like she’s been spending most of her time playing video games on her bed. My depressed-but-still-type-A brain can’t imagine not trying to use her extra time to do….something, anything, whatever would be meaningful to her and help build her life. Taking walks outside? Learning new skills? Looking for remote jobs?

I want to be a loving friend and not a nagging parent, but it hurts to see her trapped in a depressive, listless funk. She used to work towards making the world a better place. I know she’s still capable of that kind of purposeful forward motion, but I’m not sure she still believes that of herself.

How can I gently encourage her to become more gritty and take action – no matter how small – towards building her own life? Is it my place at all, or should I stick to silly zoom chats and dog memes?

A:

Ro: We’re all living through the trauma of the pandemic, and we all have to process that trauma in our own way. For you, processing that trauma is active — you’re seeking distractions and finding things that give you hope for a post-pandemic world. That’s totally valid and great, but it’s not the only way to move through hardship. It seems like your friend’s way of processing this trauma is tuning the hell out and laying low for a while. That is also valid! Unless she’s telling you that she wants to be doing something differently, it’s not your place to tell her that she needs to learn a new skill or look for a job. It’s also not your place to judge the way she’s handling the events of the past year+. Instead, ask her how she’s feeling and ask her if/ how she wants to receive support. Maybe she’ll want to talk about her feelings, or maybe your dog memes and Zoom hangouts are all she needs.

Himani: Seconding Ro here — as a person who has spent A LOT of time in the pandemic feeling really guilty about “not doing more” and wasting away literal hours of my life playing games on my phone please… don’t reach out to your friend with nudges, suggestions or whatever on “using her extra time to do something.” First of all, there’s a pretty strong chance she has already had that thought and is possibly struggling with it, so anything you say would effectively be piling onto that. Honestly, I have felt the most relief, the most validated and the most motivated when I’ve guiltily admitted to close friends some of the ways in which I have spent my time during the pandemic (ie staying up ABSURDLY late playing games and not doing “things I should be doing”…) and to have them tell me it’s ok, that they’ve been there too and (as Ro said) that times are hard right now and everyone is coping in their own way and all those ways are all valid.

I’d actually encourage you to challenge some of your framework on what it looks like to do something “meaningful” or to “build a life” — particularly now. I think a lot of people are feeling a lack of agency over their lives because of the pandemic and a lack of purpose in the wake of everything that’s been lost in the last year, and I think there’s a lot of validity to those feelings. Is it that your friend no longer believes she’s capable of making the world a better place or is it possible that she no longer believes the world is capable of being better in light of everything that has happened? The last year has been particularly difficult in a lot of different ways, and at the end of it we’re all going to look at our lives and the world differently and tackle the existential questions of meaning and purpose in really different ways. As long as we’re not, you know, turning to nihilistic violence, I think all that’s ok. As Ro also suggested, all you can do is stay connected with her with your dog memes and your zoom chats and see if she ever wants to talk about how she’s feeling without pushing the point.

Kayla: I strongly second a lot of what has already been said, especially because your letter makes it sound like your friend has not expressed to you that she wants you to encourage her to “do more” right now. It always sucks to see friends in a depressive state, but it’s important to be empathetic and to also understand that everyone’s mental health needs are different. I get the sense that you’re trying to impose your own coping mechanisms, motivations, and goals onto your friend rather than really listening to her and being what she needs right now. Also, like Ro said, it’s possible that silly zoom chats and dog memes are all she wants right now! But I also want to suggest that there are plenty of OTHER options besides the two that you’ve put forth. “Gently encouraging her to become more gritty and take action” and “silly zoom chats and dog memes” are not the only two options you have here. There are plenty of other ways to show up for a friend, and what it really is going to come down to is asking her what she needs/wants in a way that is not judgemental.

Q2:

I’m a 50 year old trans guy having some body image issues. I’ve been trying to find pictures of other trans guys my age or older, but I keep being led to pictures of 20 year olds instead. Seriously, doing web searches for trans masculine with the word “older” required shows me pictures of young men why? Basically every real link leads back to a single book. I’m delighted there’s a single book — it’s on my list to buy — but I’d seriously love some more images of middle aged and old trans masculine folks. Any suggestions for me? The situation is making me grumpy.

A:

Ro: I wish we had more examples of trans elders! Here are some resources I know of: A portrait photographer named Jess T. Dugan has been documenting the lives of trans folks between the ages of 50 and 90. You can check out some of Jess’ work here and here.

I also highly recommend researching transmasculine writers and leaders like Ivan Coyote (now in their 50s) Max Wolf Valerio (now in his 60s), Lynn Breedlove (55) and the late Leslie Feinberg, who passed away at age 65. I hope this helps! I’m sure other Autostraddle writers will know of more places where you can find examples of older transmasculine folks, and our readers might also have some great suggestions in the comments.

Q3:

I desperately need boot recommendations for when you wanna look punk rock and hella gay but are also old and need appropriate arch/heel/back support! Also my calves are giant so nothing too tall or that doesn’t come in wide calf.

A:

Nicole: Okay, but inserts! A lot of the queers I know who are wearing boots in their thirties and beyond, myself included, are putting inserts in there because our feet hurt, our joints hurt, our backs hurt. Inserts and orthotics! Wishing you lots of luck with your boot quest!

Ro: I love wearing my Doc Martens, but my joints are a little unstable and I need some extra support. Using shoe inserts has really helped! I’m lucky enough to reap the benefits of store-bought inserts, which are usually pretty cheap, but if you need support that’s more specifically tailored to your feet, you might want to check with your doctor about using orthotics. Those can be pretty pricey, but I have pals who have had great luck with them.

I also recommend experimenting with the “drop” of your boots (or the distance between the heel and the ball of your foot). Sometimes boots with raised heels can put strain on your back. If you usually wear boots with a significant heel, look for something with a flatter sole. I really like the “Luana” version of Docs, which seem to have a smaller heel than some other Doc Martens. They’re also a little bit wider than Doc Martens I’ve worn in the past, so they’re perfect for my weirdly wide feet and have plenty of room for insoles.

Himani: Natalie changed my life recently by introducing me to the brand Propet and so now I feel like I need to endorse them everywhere! Seconding Nicole on the orthotics and the thing I like about Propet is that they come in a variety of widths and are easy to get orthotics in and out of! I recently bought the “Helena” boot and am pretty happy with how it fits and the amount of support it has, and I think it would fit the bill of what you’re looking for?

Kayla: I second what everyone has said about inserts! I recommend starting with one of the cheaper store brands like Dr. Scholl’s to see if you like them overall and then if you’re into the feel, you can look into getting more specialized ones. As for brands of boots, I do know a lot of folks in the service industry who are on their feet a lot who have had success with Frye’s workboots in terms of comfort and durability that still maintains style.

Q4:

What should I wear to a wedding (as a guest or bridesmaid) if I’m soft butch/slightly femme of the groomsmen? I thought I wanted a jumpsuit/romper but all the ones I’m finding are very femme.

A:

Ro: I love this question! If you can’t find a romper that feels masc enough for you, you can pair a romper with a “men’s” blazer or a “men’s” vest and some “men’s” dress shoes or boots for a more androgynous look. You can also go in a totally different direction and rock a full suit. With the right jewelry, makeup (if you’re a makeup person), nails (if you’re a painted nails person), and shoes, you can wear a suit without looking uber butch. Also consider consulting a queer-friendly tailor! The way your clothing fits can have a huge impact on your gender presentation.

Himani: So I’m not totally clear on Rent the Runway’s model, but I believe they will ship anywhere in the U.S. and possibly internationally at additional cost? If so, I’ve personally found them a great resource for finding a lot of different jumpsuit styles. Here’s one, for instance, that seems less femme to me without being extremely butch either, and they have a lot more in that vein. I think whether it looks more femme or more butch will also have a lot to do with other parts of your look, as Ro said.

Meg: Seconding the suggestion for a queer-friendly tailor! Personally I have gotten a lot of mileage at weddings out of a jumpsuit blazer combination – I often wear heels to finish off the look but you could easily wear flats. I would suggest looking specifically for styles like a tuxedo jumpsuit with lapels or a double breasted jumpsuit, which might help you find some shapes that are less femme but still feel formal.

Kayla: I def think jumpsuit+blazer is a great combo, and my advice would be to search “basic jumpsuit” from whatever your preferred clothing brands are in order to eliminate results that are going to have too many extra embellishments like ruffles and such. A basic solid-colored jumpsuit with a fun/colorful/statement blazer is a great and versatile look. The jumpsuit doesn’t have to be super fancy in order to still look formal if you pair it with a blazer. And if the jumpsuit is fairly basic, you can probably get a lot of wear out of it for subsequent events.

Q5:

Hi Autostraddle!

Years ago, my partner at the time (we have since split) was the victim of a disturbing crime (am trying to be vague to not trigger people etc). I tried to be as supportive as possible. We still separated about a year later, though we never directly about what happened and how it affected her (ie manifesting through depression, drinking dangerously, skipping medications, etc). As far as I know, they are sober and generally doing much better now, which I am so grateful for and truly happy about.

My question; In therapy, I have finally started to talk about what happened (in the relationship and to my partner specifically) and my therapist suggested it sounds like I have some kind of survivor’s guilt and trauma from the event, even though I was not there when it happened. I have a lot of intrusive, cycling thoughts on what I could have done to prevent it, what I should have done earlier on, if I had done X, maybe Y wouldn’t have happened, etc etc.

My therapist is really wonderful, but I am moving to another state and will need to find a new one. All of this is to ask: Does anyone have resources or styles of therapy or even workbooks or groups they suggest for this sort of thing? I’m not even truly sure what to call it. I don’t want to center myself in someone else’s trauma but I’m really struggling with (what my therapist calls) hyper responsibility and guilt.

Anyone at all relate? I feel nuts, truly. :/

A:

Himani: I can’t relate exactly to the specifics of the situation you’re describing, but I’ll share a few thoughts I had based on what you wrote. First (and I do apologize if you have already tried this), you might ask your current therapist for recommendations about resources, styles of therapy and groups to look for in your new home that address some of what you’re struggling with. Your therapist might even have recommendations from within their network about particular people to work with or groups to try, that could be really helpful. And second, I think your self awareness around “not want[ing] to center myself in someone else’s trauma” is really commendable. At the same time, you’re allowed to your feelings, and you’re allowed to process them, and I think that on your own or with your therapist, you should be centering your feelings. I think that if, for instance, you were still with your ex and they were trying to process what happened and you redirected all the conversations to your feelings/guilt/etc around it — that would be problematic. Or if, for instance, you met someone who had an experience similar to what happened to your ex and again you dominated the conversation with your feelings — that would also be problematic. But on your own, with your therapist, with your friends / family / community / etc who have not gone through that type of trauma, you absolutely can and should work through how that experience affected you.

So often, I think, we look at trauma only through the lens of the person directly affected, which is really understandable. But one thing I’ve realized working through some of my own experiences with my therapist is that even being in the periphery of these things (as in your situation, where something happened to your partner at the time) can really deeply affect us. Is it the same as having been directly affected by the event? No, of course not. But I also think it’s false to pretend that people who are close to or intimate with those who were directly affected are somehow “ok.” You’re allowed to your feelings, and you’re allowed to work through them.

Q6:

Hi there! This is intended for the A+ advice column.

I’m a trans woman and recently starting dating a cis lesbian I really like. We really have complimentary personalities & the energy is lovely.

I finally got to a point in my transition where I’m comfortable exploring my sexuality (I like my body & I got bottom surgery), but now there is a lot coming up around sex roles, the possibility of BDSM/kink, and effectively trying to untangle my past traumas around sexually performing “as a man” for so long with how I actually feel now.

In particular, I’m having a lot of activating responses/triggers around topping or domming in any capacity: Me fingering, being more aggressive, inflicting consensual pain, etc. In my past life, many of these behaviors felt extremely compulsory, and all like “part of the picture of the man” I was attempting to be. Now that I have socially & physically transitioned, I’m realizing so many of these trauma responses are coming up around ideas of masculinity and how much I had bundled these things together.

In short: What do trans people recommend to unspool a lot of these associations & trauma responses? To all the writers, how can I communicate my needs and sometimes, frankly, my ambiguity about wanting to try something but also being scared of what it may bring up on my end? I want to be a communicative partner; but right now I’m scared of (1) dumping too much of my pain/trauma responses on her, and (2) me being way subbier and more bottomy than I previously realized, which may make us incompatible.

A:

Ro: I’m not a trans woman, so I can’t speak to this whole question. I’m a non-binary person who loves clear communication and kink and has previously been in long-term relationships with trans women, so that’s the perspective I’m offering here.

Exploring new ways of having sex can feel exciting, but it can also feel scary, especially if there’s any concern that you and your partner might not be sexually compatible. But it’s probably better for the both of you to determine your sexual compatibility sooner rather than later, so if you’re feeling the urge to explore, go for it!

First, there might be some ways you can explore sexual roles and kink on your own before you try those things with your partner. Fantasize about different sex acts and scenarios while you masturbate. Watch some porn. See what comes up for you. For some of my previous trans partners, seeing examples of trans folks taking on a variety of sexual/ kink roles was an important part of their sexual exploration. Check out Doing It Ourselves: The Trans Women Porn Project or the Crash Pad series for some very hot content.

Once you’ve identified some things you want to try, bring it up with your partner and be clear about your concerns. If you feel safe with your partner and you’ve built trust together, then it’s totally ok to tell your partner, “I want to try this thing, but I’m not sure what it might bring up for me.” Establish a safe word before you get into it so you can bail if you need to. I like using two safe words — “yellow” (slow down) and “red” (stop everything), since that gives my partners and me different options for handling any weirdness that comes up.

So what happens if it turns out that you and your partner have totally different sexual desires? Well, you might have to move on or reconfigure the relationship. It sucks, but honoring your sexual self is really important. Once you get to know yourself and your desires a little better, you can be up front with future partners about what you want and need and find partners who share your sexual interests.

Q7:

My boss told me he’d bring me a really good brush for my cat and then he forgot. It’s been a couple months and I still want it, how do I bring it up in a way that won’t embarrass him?

A:

Ro: Just ask him about it! It’s always embarrassing to realize you’ve forgotten to do that favor you promised. But if you’re nice about it, your boss won’t be humiliated. A “Hey, do you still have that cat brush we talked about a while back?” might be all you need (or add a “P.S. to an email).

Himani: Another option for those of us who struggle to be direct, particularly with a superior in a work setting — you can also ask him about what the brush is from the standpoint of buying it for yourself rather than something that implies you’re asking him for something, ie “Oh, a while back you mentioned a really good cat brush — can you remind me what the brand was? I’m thinking of buying it.”

Kayla: People need reminders for things all the time, and I sincerely believe your boss will not feel embarrassed about you asking about the brush. Think about it this way: Wouldn’t you want to be reminded if the situation were reversed? I think both Ro and Himani offer excellent approaches for how to specifically give that reminder! If you’re having anxiety about it, sometimes an email is easier than an in-person conversation. I hope you get your brush!

Q8:

I moved in with my girlfriend of two years last month. In almost every way, it has been so, so good. I feel loved and supported in ways I never have. I’m loving building our home together and going to sleep and waking up with her every day. BUT (you knew there was a but) my sex drive has COMPLETELY disappeared. It had been lower over the last year in general, which I am sure was stress-related. But in the six weeks we’ve lived together, I haven’t even felt an urge to masturbate (very unusual for me). We tried once to have sex, and it went poorly. I read a romance novel the other day and found myself tearing up during the sex scenes because they were so disconnected from how I feel lately. My gf has been wonderful, brings it up gently once in awhile but doesn’t push. She previously had had a lower libido than me, so while I know she’d like us to be having sex, I don’t think it eats at her the way it does at me. But I still feel like I’m somehow ruining what should be a really fun and sexy time for us. Help?

A:

Ro: What you’re experiencing is normal. Moving in with a partner is a huge change for any relationship, and sometimes change can impact your sex drive. You and your girlfriend are in new circumstances — previously, you’d visit each others’ homes and have sex there. Presumably, your only interactions would be dates and other forms of intentionally chosen time together. Now you’re together ALL THE TIME, and you’re doing HOUSE THINGS together like taking care of chores and paying bills. For some folks, that tanks their libido. Sometimes it’s a temporary response to change, so your sex drive might kick back into gear once you adjust to the new circumstances. But you might also need to help your sex drive along. Something that’s been really helpful for me when I’ve lived with partners is setting aside intentional time. When you’re living together, it’s easy to start feeling more like roommates and less like romantic partners. Take time to go out (if you’re able to do that safely where you live) or plan a special dinner at home. Get dressed up for no reason. Do stuff that reminds you that you’re dating.

You said that you’re not feeling the desire to masturbate. Does your living situation give you adequate space and time to take care of your solo sexual needs? You might be missing the masturbation urge because you’re in a new living situation. If that’s the case, make sure that you and your girlfriend have talked about how you can give each other space and time for masturbation and private time in general.

Also, I just want to remind you that we’ve all lived through more than a year of a pandemic. This is bringing up a LOT for people, and it might be one of many outside forces affecting your sex drive. Check in with yourself and make sure you’re taking care of your mental health. That might be a piece of your missing libido puzzle.

Kayla: Like Ro said, what you’re experiencing is very common. I think sometimes we convince ourselves that moving in with a partner doesn’t change the relationship, but it absolutely does! That doesn’t have to be a scary thing, and I think it’s important to acknowledge the change rather than pretend it doesn’t exist. Cohabitating can unlock a new level of intimacy, but it can also introduce a lot of challenges. When you move in with a partner, you’re probably suddenly seeing each other naked a LOT and often in contexts that are not inherently sexual—and I think that has a significant impact on the libido in a lot of cases! I definitely think that sometimes it’s just a matter of adjusting to change for your sex drive to shift again. But there are other things you can try in the meantime. Did you and your partner sext before you lived together? People always stop sexting when they move in together, and I don’t think they should! Keep sending nudes (if that’s something you indeed enjoyed before living together)! It might seem silly to keep flirting and doing that kind of stuff when living together, but it can really boost self-confidence and desire.

Q9:

I basically just came out to myself. I’m 31 and I’ve been absolutely terrified of this since I was a kid. Admitting it to myself that is. I put a lot of pressure on myself to have a label and have a lot of judgement towards myself. I’m terrified of being a lesbian and really want to make bi work (yes I know how that sounds) I’m struggling with the finality of it. I keep trying to think back to when I was really really young and I had crushes on both genders but I guess I’m questioning my attraction to men? I keep going back and forth and I really don’t want to scare myself back in the closet. I’ve always had a fear that I’m gunna wake up when I’m 60 and leave my family for another woman. I also tend to feel sort of stuck and tired in relationships but I’ve only ever been in relationships w cis men and I dont know if it’s their gender or my codependence stopping me from being myself IN a relationship. Overall, I’d describe myself as emotional. Any help or advice is much appreciated

A:

Ro: You don’t have to label yourself yet — just try dating a woman (or a few women…or a few non-binary people) and take dudes off the table for a designated amount of time. Taking a break from dating men doesn’t make you any less bisexual if it turns out that you are, indeed, bisexual. It’s just a way to help you figure some stuff out, and it sounds like you are more than ready to engage some exploration. So flirt with women and non-binary folks! Date some women and non-binary folks! See if it feels better or different than dating men. And once you gather more data on yourself, you can choose to label your orientation OR you can forego labels entirely OR you can give yourself a more loosey-goosey label (I know a lot of folks who use the word “queer” to indicate that they’re not straight in an indistinct way).

Himani: Oh, my friend, how I can relate. Ro’s advice is really solid. Set the labels aside for the moment. When I first started confronting the fact that, you know, maybe I wasn’t straight after all, I found a lot of comfort in a sign at my job that said it was an LGBTQ+ friendly space and in the write up explicitly included the word “questioning” and not just all the rest of the labels that are more definite. I probably got an absurd amount of comfort and feeling “seen” in that little acknowledgement of “questioning.” But it’s relevant because you’re not alone in your uncertainty.

As Ro suggested, give yourself some space to try flirting with and dating women and non-binary people to see how it feels. Additionally, just give yourself the space to start acknowledging what it is you find attractive in a person, regardless of gender and do this concretely for people of all genders. For myself, I found this mental exercise helpful in just letting myself be…? Which sounds really simple and ridiculous but was incredibly difficult and was an important first step towards coming to terms with my sexuality.

Also, I just want to validate your feelings. I understand what it’s like to spend your entire life hiding the fact that you’re queer from yourself because you can’t imagine anything different for yourself and because admitting it would mean upending everything you’ve known and built, literally. I generally don’t do this, but I’m going to point you to a couple of things I’ve written about how not knowing my sexuality for most of my life was rooted in my family’s dynamics, letting go of “coming out guilt” and tackling discomfort with identifying as a lesbian (see Q4), in the hopes that anything there is useful or resonates with you. Additionally, here is Autostraddle’s content on coming out older, and there may be pieces here that resonate with you even more.

Most of all, just give yourself space and be kind to yourself. I’ve been on a path very similar to yours, and so have countless others. It might seem like everyone else in the queer community has it “figured out,” but the reality is that we all of us spend our lives figuring ourselves out.

Kayla: I tooootally understand what you mean about fearing the “finality” of it. But I promise promise promise you that “labels” are not fixed. There’s no way to fail at being a lesbian, bisexual, queer, gay, etc. I think that what you’re currently doing to yourself by placing so much pressure on yourself and self-scrutinizing (which I also have experience with) is more damaging than just taking a step back and deciding you don’t need to label yourself yet and that sexuality is not definitive or fixed. You can figure it out as you go. I think traditional “coming out” narratives sometimes oversell the importance of labels and the sentiment that everything gets better once you emphatically declare your sexuality, but that’s so often not the case. It’s more complicated and nuanced than that. I think Ro’s suggestion to collect more data is great! Sometimes when we get too into our own heads about our desires/wants, we can get lost in a lot of doubts and What Ifs. The best way to figure out how you feel is to explore different relationships and go from there.

Q10:

I just turned 30 a few days ago! What were/are your thirties like? Any advice for this new decade?

A:

Ro: Happy belated birthday! I’m 31, so I don’t have all ten years of 30’s wisdom under my belt yet. But here’s what I’d like to share:

1. So far in my 30s, I feel more at home within myself than ever before. I know myself better. I have better communication skills. I give fewer fucks about what other people think. Find your 30-year-old confidence and lean into it! Wear what you want. Ask for the raise you deserve. Start planning that trip you’ve been putting off.

2. Now that you’re 30, people (family, friends, authority figures) might start treating you with more respect. It’s fucked up and ageist, but it happens. Reap the benefits and be an advocate for folks who are younger than you.

3. Now that you’re 30, you have to shoulder The Cultural Expectations Of People In Their 30s. In my life, that means that my family has started asking about my plans for marriage and kids and financial security again (even though we already had those conversations in my 20s). Be prepared to tell your family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances that your relationship(s), your money, and your plans for your future are none of their damn business.

Meg: Happy birthday! I’m 35 so I’m still in the midst of my 30s, but one of my favorite things about moving into this new age bracket has been my ability to prioritize my own wants and needs without apology, instead of constantly deferring to what everyone around me wants. I have a comfort in my own skin and a confidence about asking for what I need, and I feel far more empowered to set boundaries around family (“No, I’m not going to visit for the holidays this year”), friends (“Could we do next weekend instead?”), work (“My freelance rate is XX and I’m worth it”), and creativity (“I know that I am good at writing/photography/event production”). Like Ro, I give a lot fewer fucks about what people think I should be doing, and it’s been a really freeing shift.

Nicole: Happy birthday!!! Yes to all the above, the fewer fucks given, all of this. Also, this is advice I (and some of my friends) work to internalize a lot, but sometimes, being queer can mean that you might feel like you’re not where you thought you were “supposed to be” by now, that for many queer / gay people, finding yourself takes time, sometimes a really long time — and that this is super valid. I hope you keep things fresh and trust in your ability to grow. Sending birthday magic your way and wishing you the best of luck with embracing your 30’s!

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