Welcome to the third edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however). Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

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Q:

Okay so, pressing question time: how do i gently let someone know that i am not interested in seeing them to date again, even though i previously said i was? the context for this is that i met someone a bit over a month and a half ago, maybe more?? and we had a good date. she was more interested than i was, but i wasn’t not-interested, so we were going to see each other again. then i had a flare, and then i got the flu, so we postponed our date but i assured her i was still interested. but the thing is, i’m not, anymore? i have a crush on someone else? i feel awful, because i know i’m leading her on, but i just don’t know what to say. she’s really great, she’s just not someone i want to date! please help ;-;

A:

Rachel: I think this is going to be ok and, with love, this is maybe a bigger deal to you than it is for her! Even if she is more interested than you she will be fine. Honestly I’m impressed you’re still talking a month and a half later after one date. I think you can say something casual over text about how something has happened with someone else unexpectedly and you’d be into grabbing a drink together as friends if she’s down? Or if you aren’t actually interested in being friends with her, which is valid, you can like let things slowly peter out or just tell her straight up you’re sorry but you don’t see things moving forward. Again, I promise she will be fine!

Vanessa: She will definitely be fine, as Rachel said, but also, as someone who has been in this situation from the girl’s side (i.e., talking to someone who I thought wanted to date me and we had discussed it that way and had long intimate text convos as is The Lesbian Way Of Flirting etc and then the other person decided they actually didn’t want to date) I would implore you to be extremely direct ASAP. This might be specific to me, as a Capricorn who enjoys order and schedules and plans and Understanding Where I Fit In To The Universe In No Uncertain Terms, but the thing that makes me feel insane and undesirable and sad and totally overly emotional in a situation like this is when the other person isn’t communicative/leads me on. You say “I know I’m leading her on,” so I would say the easiest answer to this issue is: stop leading her on! Just send a text that’s like “listen, I need to be upfront, I know we started out as flirtatious and date-y but I’d actually rather just be friends. I wanted to let you know ASAP!” And then if you do wanna be friends make plans and act accordingly, and if you don’t you can kind of gently be unavailable for forever. BUT PLEASE TELL HER, SHE WILL BE FINE, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET HER KNOW SO SHE DOESN’T FEEL CRAZY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAS CHANGED. (Sorry I’m kind of projecting with the all-caps in that last bit, but I promise, everyone just wants to know where they stand!) You’re doing a great job, send that text and get yourself a milkshake!

Alyssa: As a person who has the hardest time saying no, or letting down, I feel this dilemma so hard. But in echoing what Rachel and Vanessa have both said, everyone in this situation is gonna be a-ok. Working to be as direct and compassionate within that directness is the thing! to! do! Try to think about how you’d want her to let you down in this situation if roles were reversed and remember that saying no is not unkind. You can want different things on any given day, and it’s completely your right to step away from a budding thing that just isn’t for you. I will say though, that if you want to continue on as pals, be an actual pal and honor the friendship. Be careful not to use a friendship offering simply to escape the discomfort in saying something you don’t think she’ll want to hear.

Carolyn: The best way to think of this type of conversation is as a positive one and not a negative one. It’s not that you’re rejecting someone because something is wrong; it’s that you’re freeing up her bandwidth to explore something that feels right (as well as your own).

I would also think twice before you propose friendship with someone you went on only one date with, as other writers suggest. It’s okay to not have everyone you meet in your life. And since you already went from “interested” to “time passes” to “definitely still interested” to “actually no,” I would consider whether proposing friendship would be coming from a genuine place where your lives will be less bright without each other, or whether it’d be coming from a place of not wanting to be firm in having what feels — or at least I assume feels, since you wrote in to us — like a hard conversation.

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Q:

how do i get a casual, consistent hookup for the summer without tinder? I’m in nyc over the summer (til august) with a rlly cool internship, inconsistently private space, and a NEED FOR LOW-PRESSURE HUMAN INTIMACY. i was recently heart-smashed. Tinder scares me, and is often a lot of work for little reward. thx! bye!

A:

Vanessa: Okay, if you hate Tinder I would try PERSONALS, and I would also try telling your friends and loved ones that this is what you’re looking for! That may sound scary, but honestly, letting everyone know where you’re at means everyone is gonna be looking out for you. I’m currently in a space where I’m looking for a lot of dance floor makeouts and a lot of casual sex. I have told literally all my friends that truth (and also a lot of strangers, and also all of you I guess! Now y’all know what I’m looking for!). So when we go out dancing, or when they see me flirting with someone at a bar, or when their hot housemate says “I’m really wanting to get laid, is Vanessa down” they know that I’m looking for casual hookups and they can act accordingly! Whether this means giving me and a cute babe a little space on the dance floor so a makeout may happen, or plopping down next to me and a person I’m flirting with and telling them what a babe I am, or letting their hot housemate know that I would be TOTALLY down if they made a move on me…it’s a teamwork scenario! I also think Tinder often seems scarier than it is, so I would give it a chance if you haven’t before. I like to think of Tinder as a huuuuuuge room where a bunch of babes have gathered, and when I match with a babe we have the option of leaving the room and seeing if we connect. You’re not gonna instantly know via Tinder if you match well with a person, that’s true, but you could certainly decide if you would hypothetically wanna kiss that person’s face via a Tinder profile and then if you match you can ask them on a date and see how you do in person. It’s just like meeting someone at a bar and giving them your number, except the bar is a huge endless digital cloud and you can swipe in your pajamas. Unfortunately there is no fool proof trick to getting a “casual, consistent hookup for the summer” (ugh isn’t that the fucking dream though) but I think being really clear on what you want, putting yourself out there in as many situations as possible, telling your friends and community what you’re looking for, and being slutty is probably the best you can do. That’s what I’ve been doing, anyway! GOOD LUCK, YOU’VE GOT THIS! (I also want to remind you that even if you do not get a casual, consistent hookup for the summer you are still amazing and worthy and valuable and hot. Just so you know.)

Alyssa: Lean into your friends, pal! And I don’t mean bang your friends (unless that’s your thing and you want to!) — I mean go out! Live your life! Spend time with people that matter to you in social places, join in on queer interest clubs, be open to new things and new people. Lean into the fact that intimacy and love is all around you. When you’re out and about and feeling good, people are so! fucking! into! it! If you want the hook up, go out n’ grab it — but don’t worry so much about your summer hookups as an end goal. There’s no fool-proof how-to and it’s a ton of pressure to put on yourself for a casual fun thing! Embrace community and get yourself out there and feeling good. It draws people to you, I swear.

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Q:

Okay, I could use some advice… My friends are incredible and they pooled together to send me to A-Camp next year (still crying about it) and they said that if there was any money left over, that I should put it towards going to Clexacon next year too. So I started slowly saving money, because times are tight, and if I am able to keep this pace, I should be able to go to Camp and the con in 2019. My best friend said she’d go with me to Vegas for the convention and I have a room booked and I couldn’t be more excited to finally start making more queer friends! Now the wrench… I have a friend who is getting married next spring (YAY), and it turns out that she will be having a destination wedding in Mexico the weekend before Clexacon… I don’t have an actual invitation in hand yet, so for all I know, this won’t even be an issue (but I was part of a “y’all better be ready to celebrate!” group text, so who knows). The wedding will be in Mexico during prime Spring Break time, when airfare and hotel rates will be high and this friend’s family is well off, so I’m sure everything will be beautiful… and also expensive. My question is this: what is the appropriate thing to do? This wedding has potential to be very expensive, with showers and bachelorette stuff and then the international event itself, and I have these plans to go to Clexacon (with my bff who is ALSO invited to this wedding, ADDITIONAL WRENCH) and I am so excited about it already. I don’t know that I would be able to afford going to this wedding. I certainly can’t go to Clexacon AND the wedding. Do I skip the con and try to make it to Mexico? Do I skip the wedding, go to the con, and just participate in any local activities related to the wedding? Am I being wildly selfish? (Yes, I am definitely being selfish, I know that. But I have trouble doing things for myself, so I am trying to avoid compromising when I don’t have to). What is the best thing to do here? (Thank you in advance for your help, I really appreciate everything you do!!)

A:

Alexis: You’re not being selfish, or at least the bad kind of selfish. As someone who definitely does not have money to be doing several big things at once, I don’t think it’s bad not to go to your friend’s wedding. Participating in local events is a great idea and just being as present as you are capable is really good. I think it’s okay to do things for yourself and since you had stuff planned way in advance, it’s extra okay to not break plans with yourself.

Laura M: People who hold destination weddings cannot possibly expect everyone they invite to come. Part of the reason for holding a destination wedding, in fact, is usually that the host wants a smaller number of people! I think you should talk it out with your bff… and then you should probably both go to Clexacon?? It seems pretty clear from the question you asked that this is where your priorities are. Live your truth! It’s fine.

Alyssa: Go to Clexacon. Destination weddings are rude, haha.

Natalie: Go to ClexaCon and send them a bomb ass gift off the registry. Everybody wins!

Siobhan: Talk to your BFF and if you’re close with the friends getting married talk it over with them too. Only you can decide if you’re going in there to tell them gently that you’re going to Clexacon or if its to help you work out what you’re doing, but whichever it is be firm and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your choices. You matter and being some degree of “selfish” is good and important.

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Q:

I dated a co-worker who is older than me and who had just started acting on her queer identity. With her permission (!! and I waited until AFTER we agreed we were gfs, not like when i first started seeing her) I told a few colleague-friends but otherwise kept it quiet. She came out to her family while dating me but is really not ready to be out more generally. We broke up for other reasons but I think this may be the underlying thing. I think she’s mad at me for inadvertently outing her to some of our colleagues and I don’t know what to do?

A:

Laura M: I mean, you’re broken up… so I feel like you don’t need to be guessing at why she may or may not be mad at you! It sounds like she needs to do some work on herself, and you need to find your next date outside your workplace.

Carolyn: You write that you told colleagues you were dating with her permission, so if that was genuinely the case and she’s mad at you for telling them, that’s her problem and not yours. I wouldn’t totally write off dating in the workplace, but I would think twice next time.

Natalie: If you value that relationship — professional and/or personal — you should talk to her and try to clear the air but, don’t let her reframe the conversation about what happened as you outing her because if you had her permission, that’s not at all what happened.

Siobhan: This sounds like a her problem and not a you problem, unless she’s making trouble for you at work. If she is then I would talk first to her (unless she’s being really hostile) and if that fails go to whoever you’re supposed to bring these kind of problems with. If you end up having to do that it would be a good idea to bring any text or chat proof you may have of either your side of this or her actions. If she’s not making trouble for you but you want to be friends/stop her being mad at you then maybe talk to her about it but seconding what Natalie said about it. (I wouldn’t though, you did nothnig wrong and she’s being an ass).

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Q:

I need advice! I was just recently voted president of my college campus queer organization for the coming school year (yay!), but also it’s kinda a lot of pressure because the club last year was kinda a let-down for a lot of folx. I want to improve the club this year, starting with the one thing people have asked for the most; more events! The only thing is… I don’t have a ton of great event ideas. I know that I want to start a queer feminist book group within the club (which I would also love recommendations for!), but other than that I don’t have much. Like I said, a lot of people felt disappointed by the club offerings last year, so I want to make the most of my time as president and make this year special! (Especially since it’s my last year!) I just want to give back to this club all I received from it over these past three years; support and community when I most needed it. I wanna leave this campus community better than I found it! Thanks! Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated!

A:

Laura M: Ooh, what if you wrote letters to LGBTQ prisoners through Black and Pink? A speed dating / speed friending event for community members? Also, have you considered hosting a drag show.

Alyssa: Partner with organizations doing rad community work! Beyond the ideas you already seem to have brewing (queer book clubs! GREAT! maybe study groups? meet-ups? etc.) I highly recommend getting involved in diverse intergenerational and trans-inclusive spaces and events throughout your greater community! The best way to leave your campus community better than you found it is to help establish relationships that can extend beyond your years of being there! Cultivating a real presence within the larger community while fostering a safe space for folx on campus to get involved, and be seen and supported is SUCH a rad endeavor. The fact that you are even asking these questions is incredibly promising that you are going to do amazing things in your time there. Partner up with larger community efforts, it’ll inspire you in the events you want to create on your own, and help you to create that inclusive reputation that will keep the community growing for years to come.

Natalie: Yay! I love campus involvement! From my experience, the key to good campus programming is to stick to three categories: social, support and activism. Try hosting a combination of small events — like a book club, queer movie nights, HIV testing or voter registration drives — to keep members engaged and one big event at the end of the semester (Laura’s idea of a drag show sounds awesome!).

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Q:

Hi Autostraddle, I am In Love with someone and they don’t know (I don’t think) but I’m also pretty sure they don’t feel the same way. Should I tell them?! How?! Can I have permission to do something crazy, like drive several hours to leave flowers and a love note on their doorstep and then drive away and wait for them to find it? DO I NEED TO CHILL?! Ahhhh!

A:

Laura M: Wait, why would you drive away? Are you also leaving a camera, so you can see their reaction? I don’t think you should do that, it’s probably illegal.

Alyssa: Oh, you tender soul! I love that you’re in love and adore your spirit, but yes maybe chill (a little, anyway). What’s romantic in movies can sometimes feel intense in real life and it’s important to be a little more direct with who we’re showing our love to and how we’re showing it. Especially if it’s hard to know if they want that kind of attention! That being said… that doesn’t mean you have to hold it all in. If you have feelings, and a relationship with this person (platonic relationships are relationships), you should have the conversation. It’s important to put your feelings out there! It’s just also important to keep in mind that your feelings are yours and not place them on this person! Love is amazing, but it’s not in short supply. You deserve to be loved in all the ways that you are willing to give and receive it, so if this person doesn’t love you back — remember that no one person is everything and it’s no reflection on you. Knowing is better than wondering, and harboring secret romantic hopes for a friend who thinks your relationship is platonic can get messy. Be brave and just talk about it (and most importantly be prepared to really hear this person in whatever their response may be)! If it works out, great! What a relief! And if it doesn’t, it gives you the peace of mind in knowing and the time to work through those feels however you have to! You’ve got this, hunk.

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Q:

My husband and I are divorcing because I’ve realized I’m a lesbian. It’s an amicable divorce and we’re going to stay friends, but we’ve been together ten years and it’s still hard. I’ve been accepted to grad school and I’m debating whether I should defer to give myself a year to process fully, maybe start dating, and not feel stressed about moving and doing all the stuff that comes with separating your life from someone else’s. I’m not sure whether it’d be helpful to move (it’s about an hour away) and just start fresh right away or I should take time to de-stress before starting the stress of grad school. Having done neither a divorce nor grad school, I’m curious what more experienced minds have to say.

Alyssa: Firstly, congratulations on getting into grad school, and on working so hard with your ex to foster an amicable split from your life together. Neither is an easy feat. Secondly… I say take the leap and go to grad school! This is a huge time for you, and it’s totally terrifying — I know. But literally no time is ever the right time for processing big life changes, and you don’t need to put yourself or your life on hold for anything right now. It will be tedious and challenging at times, grad school and life are often hard to juggle. But it will also be a time to really get to know yourself and your wants apart from your former relationship and comfort zones. The change can give you a bit of a fresh start, the space to create new goals for yourself, to meet new people, to experience new communities and interests. Take the leap. Choose yourself. You’ve worked hard to pave these opportunities and you deserve to chase them. But remember to go easy on yourself. Change is tough, and a lot at once can totally feel like an overload, but it is more often than not exactly what we need.

Carolyn: Here’s a thing about divorce: it’s probably going to take more than a year to finish all of the shit — financial and legal and logistical and emotional — that goes along with it. Deferring grad school a year doesn’t mean you’ll be totally done by the time you start, but it does mean grad school is a lot further away. Yes, divorce is a huge time suck and grad school is a huge time suck and balancing those two things will be challenging. But you put your life on hold for this person long enough already.

Laneia: Hello it’s me, another divorcée. Carolyn is super correct about all the divorce shit taking more than a year and Alyssa is totally right about choosing yourself and I just couldn’t agree more with both of these advices! Grad school!!! YOU DID THAT. You got into motherfucking grad school AND you uncovered something deep and vital about yourself AND you’ve embarked upon one of the shittiest, most overly complicated and thankless endeavors that a person in a 10-year relationship could embark upon. This has been a big year for you and you deserve to get to do the thing you’ve worked so hard for, right now! What a perfect opportunity to start a totally new chapter in a totally new city in a totally new house. I’m genuinely excited for you and all the dates you’ll eventually go on!

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Q:

I’ve been feeling really frustrated lately. Frustratedly single to be more specific. I’ve been consuming more queer content in the last 6 months or so and it’s really been normalizing just being a gay human for me and it’s been great. Until the past couple years I had never really even met many gay people. A couple months ago I got highly inebriated while hanging out with a really good friend (who I am out to). We’ve drank together before, but in this particular instance, I was hammered and she was completely sober. There was some cuddling/hand holding going on and I am the least cuddly/touchy person on the planet, but I definitely initiated it. But it wasn’t any sort of “I’m in love with my straight best friend” kind of thing. I think my body was just craving physical intimacy with a female. Between that night and all the great female queer content I’ve been consuming and seeing mushy gushy pride stuff all over the internet everywhere I go, I’ve just been feeling extra frustrated that I’m single and I feel like the only single gay person in my whole tiny little town. All 3 gay couples I know here met their significant other out of town. I joined the HER app recently and nothing productive has come of it and I’m just in a phase where I’m convinced I’ll be single forever. How do any of you deal with bouts of frustration like this?

A:

Valerie Anne: Being single can be lonely and exhausting sometimes! But I’ve been single for…ever and I am here to tell you that for every hard/frustrating spell, there’s a stretch of joy – sometimes it’s nice to be able to make decisions without having to consider anyone else, for example! So I know sometimes it can be frustrating but some of the best advice I ever got shifted my perspective and hopefully I can do the same for you: Don’t think your life as missing something because you’re not dating anyone. Think of it as building a life that’s full and satisfying and yours that someday maybe you can share with someone. It’s the difference between waiting for someone else to come and help you finish building a foundation (which comes with risks! What if they leave! Your building will crumble!) vs. building the whole damn house yourself and then finding someone to help you decorate it. So go join the clubs you want to join or take the classes you want to take or make the art you want to make and maybe that will lead you to your person. And even if it doesn’t, at least you will be doing something that makes you happy.

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Q:

hiiii two related questions: 1) if i don’t want to do anything ever again except have sex with my girlfriend, does that mean i’m depressed? how do i regain the desire to do other stuff too sometimes? 2) i want to open the relationship so as not to feel 100% dependent on girlfriend’s love for my self worth. i’m worried that the longer i date only her, the more emotionally dependent on her i will become, and that scares me. like i think i’ll be a better, healthier girlfriend to her in the long run if i’m seeing other people. she is willing to let me see other people but she herself doesn’t feel up for dating other people. she is so beautiful and amazing but i think she’s like, in awe that I like her and doesn’t believe that more girls would also like her if she tried. i’m seriously not hotter than her, just a lil more confident. but she is fat and i get that internalized fatphobia can fuck with you. anyway, how do i know if this is a recipe for cultivating jealous and resentful feelings? and if so, can we work through them? in our conversations she keeps saying that she just wants me to be present and communicative but i can’t decide whether to believe her or not, because i know it makes her anxious, and she hasn’t really said “yes i want this for you” thanks, i have been reading autostraddle since about 2008 and just now signed up for A+ after years of wishing I could… so thanks for all you’ve done for me over the years.

A:

Siobhan: Ooooh kay, yes you sound depressed. Or if not depressed then like there is some other related mental or maybe even physical health issue going on. Please see a doctor/other professional, because trust me — you cannot replace medical care with sex (or work, or fandom or any of the other stupid shit we’ve all tried over the years).

Similarly, please do not open your relationship in this state of mind. The way you’re talking about it sounds like its driven by how you’re not feeling OK and that’s not a good reason to make these kind of choices. Therapy is better at helping you sort yourself out than even six girlfriends. You might well be a person who is better and healthier in an open relationship but experimenting with it in response to feeling like this isn’t a great idea. Also I suspect your girlfriend really doesn’t want to based on what you’ve said, and that you know that really.

Riese: Firstly, THANK YOU FOR BEING AN A+ MEMBER AND LONGTIME FRIEND. Secondly, you probably are depressed! I’d suggest finding a therapist or other mental health professional to talk to.

Thirdly, I don’t think any relationship should be depended on for your own self-worth, so the idea of venturing into additional ones to achieve that goal doesn’t sound great. I think it can also be difficult, unless you’re in a really healthy place with great open communication, to open up a relationship where only one partner is actually going to date other people (unless it’s open because like, one partner is ace or isn’t into the kind of sex you want to have or whatever). The only way to know if jealousy will take you down is to try it, with the expectation that if your partner at any point doesn’t feel good about what’s happening, that she can call it off.

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Q:

got dumped yesterday and it was only six months and quite casual but i am actually devastated like sadder than i was after my ltr break up how i can i make this better cry

A:

Alyssa: I’m going to sound condescending here, because let’s be real — all advice given in the midst of a heartbreak feels condescending as shit — but I’m going to give it anyway, because a: you asked for it, and b: it’s still 100,000% true. Dealing with a break up is forever and always a matter of time. You are going to feel this until you don’t — whether you like it or not. There’s no formula for getting over shit. That’s the bad news. The good news is that you’re not alone even when you feel like you are. Remember to breathe, and work to treat yourself kindly. Reach out to pals and community, and let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel. Feelings aren’t logical, they’re neither rational nor factual. They just are. It’s okay to feel them, even the bad ones. Take this time to focus on you, and the things you want in your connections with people. You’re gonna keep waking up, and keep working through all the feels until you wake up one morning and feel pretty okay about everything. It’s gonna get better, it really just takes time.

Riese: I would like to direct you to The Best Break-Up Advice You’ll Ever Get. Breakups are terrible. I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I am excited for the time in the future when it does seem so much farther away than you could imagine it being now.

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Q:

Hey AS Team! I’ve been really struggling with some internalized biphobia lately –questioning whether I’m really bi or just gay dealing with compulsory heterosexuality and whether calling myself bi is politically correct (even though my understanding of bi is an attraction to same and different gender[s]). In addition to that, I’ve realized that I most likely am demisexual so thinking about my attractions is even more complicated, because I tend to form sexual attractions after developing an emotional bond to people [but so far this has only happened with women I am friends with, who are usually already in a relationship OR straight]. I guess my real question is how can I figure out what my actual orientation while dealing with these conflicting internalized messages?

A:

Rachel: I wish there were an easy answer for you, friend! As you likely already know, there is no litmus test to being “sure” or knowing 100% what your “actual” orientation is. You’re right that compulsory heterosexuality is super real, for both lesbians and bi women, and even those of us who experience nice moments of “wow I’m SO gay” or “I’m SO bi” often don’t get to stay in that place of satisfied self-assuredness, and have those balanced out with moments of terrifying insecurity when a family member says something about the crush we used to have on Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a kid, or someone tells us yet again that we’re too pretty/femme/straight-seeming/whatever to be gay. Based on how you’ve described yourself, I can’t see any reason why calling yourself bi would be wrong or incorrect, and even if you do decide to change how you identify later on it wouldn’t mean that you were appropriating or somehow taking up undeserved space in a bi identity; it would just mean exactly that, that you changed how you identify, nothing more and nothing less. That said, I’d also like to gently encourage you to interrogate this whole harrowing and sometimes punishing process you’re putting yourself through of “figuring out my actual orientation” — what itch is this scratching for you? What peace do you feel like it will grant you to know? What kind of permission would you feel like you had if you were “sure” that you don’t have now? Is there any way you can access that even without necessarily having, you know, a certification one way or the other in hand? It feels like it might be kindest and most compassionate to yourself if you give yourself permission for a while to just want what you want without needing to assign it to a strict narrative, and let yourself experience attraction and self without an agenda (not because labels don’t matter, they do to a lot of us including me! but sometimes labels come as a result of living, rather than us learning how to live based on our labels).

Siobhan: Hello darling probably bisexual friend! The wonderful thing about the bisexual community is we don’t mind if you later discover you aren’t bi just so long as you don’t then go around saying we’re all secretly gay or straight. But you’re not going to do that so it’s fine. Being both bi and demisexual is confusing as fuck, I know, and it takes a while to figure it out and that’s OK. You can take your time and call yourself bi as long as you want. Also remember that it’s OK to be bi and have a very strong preference; for the most part I do not date men for They Are Crap but the capacity to find them unfortunately appealing is still there. Bisexuality also includes attraction to non binary people of every or no gender identity, so it’s worth considering whether you experience attraction to them as well, regardless of how you feel about men. Mostly though, stop focusing on it. Go out and live your queer life and observe what happens with a sort of mindfulness while remembering you can change how you identify later if you realise you’re wrong. (Also, as a tangent, it might be worth trying to date other demi people or being up front that you are demi and need to be friends first with potential partners as that makes the whole experience a lot easier).

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Q:

Do you have any tips for locating a queer friendly marriage counselor/couples therapist? Have any of you gone to couples therapy? Do you recommend it, or no, or?? I’m happily married and/also wondering if a therapist might be a good resource for my wife and I to work through some recurrent issues that come up in our otherwise really peaceable, collaborative, and supportive relationship. (Namely, I am a pennypincher worrywart & she’s more lax about spending money. Usually we balance each other out and can find compromise, but I’m getting stressed with how often it feels like I have to run interference on her ideas about fun trips to take, shit to buy, etc. I also acknowledge that maybe I worry too much about money, and need to get more comfortable with our finances so that it isn’t such a huge scary unknown.) Anyways, any tips for finding a couples therapist? Or like, good relationship books or workbooks you know of that are queer friendly? Neither my wife nor I have health insurance right now, so we’re trying to do therapy on the cheap if possible.

A:

Riese: I have gone to couples therapy, but it didn’t really do much to be honest besides make me feel worse because she believed all my ex’s lies, making it harder for me to have a leg to stand on! That being said, if your ex is not a pathological liar, probably therapy will work for you. It’s really hard for a professional to provide relevant advice to somebody who isn’t actually bringing themselves fully to the couch, yannow? Most people I know have had really great results from couples therapy though, so I hope they chime in!

Heather: I love couples therapy and I cannot advocate for it strongly enough! It has helped Stacy and I make some small changes in our lives over the years that have radically altered our relationship for the better! We’ve talked to a therapist about money, sex, emotional labor, household labor, the ways we argue, the collision of our childhood trauma, and work-life balance. And every time we’ve gotten such great advice and come away understanding each other a little bit better.

The most important thing about couples therapy, I think, is that both people are going into it with the attitude of: “We’re on the same team and we’re looking for some strategies to understand each other’s perspective better and be better partners to each other.” A lot of people use couples therapists as like a mediator or a judge, like both people are going to go in and build their case for why they’re right and why the other person is wrong, and the therapist is going to render an impartial verdict after both sides have had their say, and that’s the new relationship law. It’s already human nature to tell ourselves a story and run with it, to build our own narratives about how we’ve been wronged in this and that way, and when you’re mentally preparing to make another person believe your story as much as you do, you’re not in the best partnership mindframe. Another couples therapy thing that doesn’t work is when people take their partner to couples therapy because their partner needs to be in personal therapy — for a mental illness or personality disorder or unresolved trauma or whatever — but won’t go. The ol’ therapy switcheroo neeeeeeever works. But neither of those things seem like what you’re doing, so you and your partner are probably great candidates!

As far as finding a therapist, when you search therapists through your insurance database or just a regular therapy database through like Psychology Today, most LGBTQ-friendly therapists will have that listed. And also most LGBTQ-friendly therapists have that info on their website. If they don’t, you can always ask when you call to request an appointment. Definitely make sure that’s sorted before you go in for your first consultation. And once you meet the therapist, make sure it’s someone you’re both comfortable with, and make sure you both know you have the space and permission you need to say if you don’t get a good vibe off of the person you choose. This is team building, too!

I hope you have the best luck with this. Money is one of the top three things all couples argue about and experience stress around, so you’re not alone at all. And I really admire that you’re trying to get ahead of the issue to make your relationship even stronger!

Yvonne: I’m currently going to couples therapy and it’s been surprisingly great so far. My partner and I decided to go because we’re getting married soon and we wanted to be more intentional about our relationship as we move through a new season in our life. We didn’t go to therapy with a problem in mind so that’s why I was terrified that couple’s therapy was gonna like rock the boat and bring up all this shit that I didn’t know existed. But it’s been fine!

We found our therapist the exact same way that Heather described. We searched our insurance database and then we went through the list of therapists specializing in marriage/couple’s counseling and checked to see if they’re queer-friendly. It took some elbow grease and googling lots of names and reading their website if they had one and calling them up and kinda interviewing them and asking if they had experience working with gay couples. It was important for us to also have a woman of color therapist in addition to being LGBTQ-friendly and we found a therapist that has been working for us. I mean, she’s not fully aware of LGBTQ things which can be frustrating to explain sometimes but she’s been helpful overall. I think going to see a couple’s therapist to talk about money is an excellent idea and will probably help y’all in the long run.

Laneia: Just chiming in with another thumbs up for couple’s therapy! I’ve never had a problem solved faster than the ones we took to our therapist. Well ok not like, totally solved forever, but put into a different light than either of us could’ve seen it in on our own, and she gave us the words and practices to work through these specific issues together when they come up again. It’s so important for reoccurring issues to be dragged out into the great wide open and genuinely investigated and processed. Hiring a professional to do that investigation and help with the processing just makes good sense.

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Q:

What do you do when you’ve failed as an ally? my partner recently started id’ing as nonbinary and i had a really emotional reaction to it. i was sad bc i’ve spent my entire life becoming comfortable with being a woman who loves women and i felt like she was taking that away from me. i don’t feel that way anymore, but the guilt is eating me alive.

A:

Riese: You have two separate quandaries here that you’ve conflated into one, so let’s talk about why that is and what you can do now. Being a good ally to non-binary people in your life is one thing. Being in a loving relationship with a non-binary person is another thing. From what I gather, you feel like you failed as an ally because instead of providing familial support and political solidarity to your partner, you made it about you and your feelings. This is true, you weren’t a good ally. But you’re not JUST an ally in this situation, you’re also a girlfriend, and that relationship piece of it is relevant, too. You’re allowed to have feelings about it! It’s completely valid for you to struggle with your partner coming out as a different gender after the travails you’ve endured to accept yourself and your sexual orientation, and to feel as though part of your hard-wrought identity is being threatened by that. But it’s not fair to be mad at your partner. It sounds like you’ve since changed your mind and do feel like you’re attracted to more than just women, including your partner, which is great for you both! So in sum: as an ally, your own personal feelings are not relevant. As a girlfriend, they are! So you don’t need to apologize for having those feelings. But you do need to apologize for something — how and when you expressed them, I imagine — although the best way to know what it is you’re apologizing for is to ask them. “I’ve been feeling really terrible about how your coming out conversation with me went, I know that I was less than supportive because I was so concerned about what this meant for our relationship. I think it was healthy and human for me to have those feelings in the first place, but I’m not sure that how I expressed them was caring or considerate of you and your feelings. I think I fucked up. So if there’s anything specific that was said or anything I can do to make that up to you now, or ways I can be a better ally and girlfriend to you, please tell me.” And if they’re over it and don’t wanna keep talking about it, make room for that too.

Siobhan: Was this reaction internal or external? Because if it was internal then the answer is you forgive yourself and do not burden your partner with this knowledge. That one feels weird because you feel like you’ve betrayed them in some way but thoughts are just thoughts, they only mean something if you act on them. If you actually reacted badly to her when she came out then you need to apologise, but if you’ve already done that then don’t bring it up again because you’d be doing it for you and not her and this should be about her feelings, not yours.

Alexis: I agree with Siobhan in, if the reaction was external and you’ve already apologize, let it be. And if it was internal, then forgive yourself and work to understand your feelings better and to avoid burdening your partner. One of the things I’ve learned that helps me the most is, when I do something that hurts someone else, after apologizing, when I need to vent about it, I make sure the work I do to do better doesn’t depend on them patting me on the back for it. What I mean is, it might help to look into chatrooms and such where other people are experiencing something similar and trying to work through it. And then, if you think there’s something you can do better, doing it one day and consistently doing it if your partner reacts positively to it is like a really big great way to apologize. My sister misgendered me for a good week right after I came out to her and I just completely shut down because of it. I’m not sure who she talked to or what she read, but last week she started calling me by my pronouns and using gender neutral signifiers for me. I don’t care what in her made this change, I’m just glad it did. I’m thinking that, if you’re able to meet your partner where they need you most, it will lessen your guilt and make them feel a lot better too.

Archie: Honestly, let it go. As someone who has had partners/friends make my pronoun change all about them (their resistance to it/how hard it is for them to not fuck it up/how it’s not proper English/yadda yadda) it was real annoying (and hard) to hold their hand through the process—especially because I was juggling coming out to them but also other loved ones, and strangers and myself to an extent. It’s a weird turbulent time and it’s crappy when the person who is supposed to have your back isn’t on your side. But I can tell you: it’s definitely extra annoying to have to hold their hand through whatever guilt they have afterward about not being an ally from the start. I GET IT, you realized you messed up. Instead of wallowing in it (and making them reassure you that it’s all good) just get on their side, correct your pals & family when they mess up, and be a solid partner.

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Q:

is it appropriative to use “Mx” if I’m essentially a woman? I’m fine with being a woman and being addressed as a women, but standing in front of a room or typing in my title and asking to be called Ms makes my insides feel squirmy.

A:

Cee: I think if you feel squirmy using Ms than it’s fine to use Mx. Use what makes you feel comfortable! Be prepared that people will ask you about it, and it’s good to have a short answer prepared to give to people when they do so you’re not caught off guard.

It also feels like there might be more here worth investigating. Maybe I’m digging into this a bit, but it sounds like you’re okay with others reading you as a woman, but perhaps feeling uncomfortable with you labelling or titling yourself as such? And what do you mean when you call yourself “essentially a woman”? This sounds quite similar to me before I came out as genderqueer. I might be just projecting — if it’s not true to you, please forgive me! But if this does sound accurate, perhaps a deeper dig is in order.

Riese: Just to offer an alternate opinion — as a woman who feels uncomfortable about a lot of the words associated with womanhood (like ma’am or miss or mrs or ms), I don’t necessarily think that feeling that way means you might not be a woman.

Siobhan: I don’t think it’s appropriative, I think normalising the use of gender neutral honorifics can only be a good thing (like how moving orchestra auditions behind a screen suddenly meant women were being hired in equal numbers to men), as can challenging how people view gender and gendered attributes. Also these kind of things are about personal comfort and how you relate to your own gender, even if you are cis. Though both Riese and Cee are right; you might well be a woman who is uncomfortable with a lot of the words applied to womanhood and their connotations, or you may be a non-binary woman or non-binary woman adjacent person or other. It worth reading up and thinking about.

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Q:

Hello! Say you’re in a long term monogamous relationship. Is it typical to feel really, insatiably thirsty even when you’re still regularly having sex with your partner? I ask because I have been in a relationship for 10 years and I feel it’s possible the gender of my partner maybe doesn’t match my sexuality. This insatiable thirst, despite good-enough, maintenance kind of sex, is my strongest piece of evidence that I might be too gay for my otherwise hetero marriage. But I keep coming back to the question: if you are in any long term relationship, regardless of sexuality, wouldn’t people go through seasons where sex just isn’t satisfying and you can’t stop thinking about having sex with another, different kind of person? My therapist asked if I talked about this with friends who have also been monogamous for many years. I can’t bring myself to ask my friends. The question feels too intimate and I feel like uncovering any lack of desire for your partner is kind of embarrassing and possibly embarrassing to someone’s partner, who I assume would like to feel desired and wanted. So I ask you, because you always give good advice.

Thanks for reading,

Someone with a caring, kind and engaged partner and coparent for whom I feel little desire.

A:

Rachel: Hm I think the question here is not so much about whether it’s normal or not bc there really is no meaningful “normal” baseline for that, but you can ask whether it’s normal for YOU, and the fact that you are asking this question and have a fully formed theory about what it means suggests maybe it’s not! I don’t think there’s a universal litmus assessment for what this would “mean” but it seems like it’s something important that is happening for you right now and that’s worth paying attention to and letting what you think or fear you want come to the surface, something that seems like it’s probably already in the process of happening. Thinking of you and good luck friend!

Siobhan: Is it possible that you’re a non monogamous person in a monogamous relationship? Or that you didn’t get the chance to have relationships with women before settling down with this person even though you have a preference for women? Because if you are enjoying the sex you’re having with him but want more and different sex that doesn’t mean you’re too gay for him but it does mean that you want something else, maybe in addition or maybe instead. You might well be gay but don’t just think of it in binary terms while trying to figure it out. (Also important to consider, were you attracted to him and greedy for sex with him before? If so, what’s changed?)

Riese: You could try reading Mating in Captivity to see if any of it resonates with you, or maybe even Come As You Are? Yes, of course sex wanes over the course of a long-term relationship, but — and I guess this isn’t the like, PC thing to say or whatever — if you don’t feel a lot of desire towards your partner and most of your desire seems to be directed at women… you might be too gay for your relationship! But if your desire for sex outside of your marriage is for men and women then maybe that’s not the answer, maybe you’re non-monogamous or this is just the ebb and flow of things.

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Q:

Blindfolds. A Good Thing. But they keep falling off my activity partner and then we both feel sad. Is there a solution?

A:

Archie: If you’re using a blindfold with an elastic strap, it might be time to upgrade to a buckle blindfold, or just something more heavy-duty.

Carolyn: If that doesn’t work, order your activity partner to keep their eyes closed and punish them if they don’t. Tease/threaten occasionally. Problem solved.

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Q:

I don’t really have many (any…) lgbt friends that I hang out with in person in real life. But I do have a few pretty good straight friends who I’m out to that live where I do. I feel like I’ve been trying (and failing) to normalize talking about girls and gay stuff in general and issues and life things that I deal with that they just will never understand because they are straight. I came out to these friends (and anyone for that matter) less than a year ago. Was talking about gay shit with your straight friends ever something that was a struggle for any of you? Does it get easier the more I talk about it and normalize it? I hardly ever talk to other queer people face to face but I don’t think I ever have the same feelings of awkward/uncomfortable/weird when I talk to them about gay stuff as opposed to straight people. Is it just because no matter how much I love my straight friends they will just never get me like other gay people will? Is it just something that I need to get over and move on with my life and stop feeling weird about talking about hot girls to my straight friends? I just get frustrated by it sometimes.

A:

Valerie Anne: I FEEL THIS SO HARD. I have been lucky enough to eventually find a few different group of exclusively queer friends, but I still have one group of mostly straight friends, and they can be a CHORE, let me tell you. But here’s a thing I’ve learned: that saying? It’s true: Those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind. If you’re comfortable saying things about hot girls (to use your example), keep talking about hot girls. Like exposure therapy. The people who truly care about you will power through any initial discomfort until they’re used to it and talking about hot girls WITH you. Those who continue to be uncomfortable aren’t worth keeping around. It won’t always be easy! There will be some days where you have to explain to your straight friend that just because their boyfriend fingered her doesn’t mean she had “lesbian sex” (to use a real example from my life). Or days you you have to explain that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re blind and can also weigh in on whether the dude they matched with on Tinder is hot or not. But once the initial weeding-out process is over, you’ll find some great allies who will help you apply glitter and shop for new rainbow sneakers for Pride.

Siobhan: Is the discomfort yours or theirs? Because if it’s yours and you feel rude or weird talking to them about this because of all the ways society says we’re wrong and gross then yes, it gets so much easier but you do have to work on yourself and your internalised issues. If it’s them then it might get easier and it might not, it depends on if they’re just new to knowing LGBT+ people and willing to adapt or if they’re of the love the sinner hate the sin variety. If its the latter then they suck and its up to you whether or not you want to keep exposing them to see if it helps or give up on it, but either way you’ll meet awesome queer and queer positive friends to replace them with in the future.

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Q:

my ex and I read autostraddle together all the time – we learned how to have sex, what lube and sex toys to buy, what shows to watch, it was very central to the relationship. Now that we’re broken up, like other things that we did together (favorite date spots, food, music, etc) I can’t bring myself to read anything autostraddle because it brings up too much sad and regret and bad breakup feelings ya know? how do i reclaim AS for me? (it’s been ten months :'(

A:

Carolyn: Like reclaiming anything after a breakup, you can either do it all at once so hard that it stops being uncomfortable because it’s hard to be sad about anything for six hours straight, or you can do it in small bites that get bigger over time until you don’t even notice when the song you fell in love to comes on in the grocery store or whatever. Also try changing the context: read alone, read with friends, read on your phone if you used to read on your laptop. Don’t see the sex toys as all the sex toys you could have used with your ex; see them as all the sex toys you can now use in your bright beautiful future.

Natalie: I had a similar experience…after one particularly bad break-up, I had to stop listening to certain musicians because we’d talked about them or seen them together and listening to them without her just hurt. But eventually, those artists released new music…music that sounded different than what I’d heard with her…and listening to them or going to their shows was about my experience, not the one we’d shared.

Likewise, Autostraddle is a site that brings new material and new voices to you on a regular basis. Everything you’re experiencing about this site right now (including this shiny new font) is yours to enjoy on your own (you never actually shared it with her). Sure, you may have talked about TV we discussed here, but did you talk about Jane Ramos on Jane the Virgin or Everything Sucks! or Killing Eve? No, because those things weren’t part of our world 10 months ago. There’s no need to carry the sadness into reading and commenting about them.

Plus, we really just like having you around and want you to stay.

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Q:

I just got broken up with for the second time by someone who said i’m great and they really like me but they’ve got some issues they need to figure out first. Which, I get — but why does everyone end things with me for this reason? And it’s not fair that I can’t be angry at them because they cry when they break up with me and it’s obviously hurting them too! I’m processing a lot of feelings rn and I’m just feeling like I’m never enough for someone to want to be with me in spite of their issues

A:

Rachel: Darlin’ I don’t mean to be dismissive of what you’re going through, and I truly deeply know how hard this is, but anecdotally and on instinct I would say that this is 90% of the reason anyone ends anything with anyone! I have heard variations on this before and given people variations on this too, and I’m sure I will again, and unfortunately I’m sure you will too. The truth is that as a community we are a deeply traumatized bunch — there’s a reason that we have such high rates of mental illness and substance abuse, not to be a bummer! — and even the most well-adjusted of us, who had a very accepting family and a safe home and hasn’t had to experience any major traumatic events, often still have a lot of issues we need to work on because being LGBT in this culture is alienating and isolating and confusing. I would gently suggest that you consider taking these people at their word and accepting that they are being honest about their capabilities as a potential partner, which don’t magically change based on how much we like someone, unfortunately. I’ve also been in the situation of talking someone who said they couldn’t do it and were too messed up into doing it anyway, and guess what — they were right! They weren’t able to meet my needs in a partner, much as they loved me, and I wish I had listened to them the first time. There was no amount of liking me that would have meant they could be a good partner to me “in spite of” their issues; baggage and trauma just need to be worked on, and it’s a long process and there’s no way around it. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be angry at them — someone can be hurting and you can make space for that and still ask them to make space for the fact that you, too, have been hurt and upset. And it’s valid to wish that they wanted to work on their issues with you instead of apart, and you can abe upset about that and it’s fair to let them know — I think it could be really helpful for you to say “I hear you and also I’m mad at you!”

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Q.

Hey, any tips on dealing with crushes when you’re in a relationship? I get that it’s normal to feel feelings, and obviously we’re all human, but it feels weird. It happens to me a lot, and I am SO very happy with my partner so I know that isn’t the issue. I just love cuddling and making out, and just all the squishy feelings you can get with people. I’m inclined to think that I might thrive under some relationship structure that is less than entirely monogamous, but I don’t know how to start that conversation with my partner. There’s been talk of having a threesome someday when and if the right person for that comes along, but that’s the only time it’s really come up. I’m just scared, because I really really love my partner, and I don’t want to alienate them by bringing this up if they’re not up for it. I just also feel like I have so much romantic, affectionate, sexual energy that I’m not really getting any outlet for… also am I a bad person for feeling that way??? On top of the other feelings is GUILT.

A:

Yvonne: You’re exactly right that it’s totally normal to have these crush feelings because we’re all human. So what feels weird to you? If you’re talking just about a crush, does it feel like overstepping boundaries in your relationship? You should figure that out and explore why it feels weird to you. I’m in a monogamous relationship and my partner and I talk about our crushes all the time! It just doesn’t make sense for use to hide that from each other? We both love each other very much and yes, we find other people attractive and so we talk about those attractive people. It’s also fun that we can talk to each other about what our crush did or said and we’re totally fine with that because we know where we draw a line. Our crushes have never moved past anything other than a crush and it can be difficult to navigate if you see you’re catching feelings for a person and acting on them and in that case, it’s moved into a different territory altogether. There was one time when my crushes became excruciating and I was like OBSESSED with them but it was like all in my head and then I knew it was unhealthy. I knew I had to dial it back because it was interfering with my relationship. So if your crush on someone is getting out of control, my suggestion is to hide them on my social media and limit your interactions with them, online and irl, and reinvest that time into your relationship! I mean, this has just been my specific experience and maybe these crushes are a good thing for you? And they maybe indicative of you wanting to explore beyond your monogamous relationship and if that’s what you want, cool! Maybe you would thrive under a different relationship structure and the only way you can find out what’s best for you is if you talk with your partner. It’s scary and they might be hurt but you’re gonna have to sort it out if this is important to you. And no you shouldn’t feel bad for having lots of romantic, sexual, affectionate energy but you should definitely figure out a healthy way for you to have an outlet for them and that is right for you and your partner.

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Q.

Hello! I’m looking for book and/or resource recommendations! I’m not super sure what I’m looking for exists though? Basically: I’m nonbinary, but other than that my gender is like ??? a big ol’ amorphous mess that I’d kind of like to know more about? and I heard about the ‘My New Gender Workbook’ and I thought that sounded pretty perfect – like, a literal workbook to help me work through my gender feels and ~figure shit out~. Only it turns out that’s like, not what that is? I was imagining essentially the DBT handbook but for gender. So… does that exist? Or something similar? Is there a text that’s really helpful for translating gender blob feelings into something that can be actually articulated to other human beings? Would adore your help!!! Thank you!!!

A.

Archie: Hi hi! I think what you might be looking for is How To Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide To Understanding Who You Are! This book is pretty comprehensive but I think could be useful to you. Also, try and remember you’re not gonna figure it all out right away and that even if you did there’s a good chance it could morph and become something different with time anyways.

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Q.

IDK if this is Important enough for a “find your fit” article (which i have been LOVING btw) but i’m a law student just starting Professional Adult Jobs and I need help figuring out how to dress business casual but still look queer but also not spend ridiculous amounts of money… do any of you have any advice?? thank u i love u

A.

Laura M: Maybe try Uniqlo? I find them very reasonably priced for business casual stuff, and a lot of their pieces have a sort of breezy, blockish fit. I don’t know what “looking queer” means to you personally, but I get real power dyke vibes from their current shirts and blouses section.

Riese: We did a Lez Get Dressed for Work series back in 2013 that might be of use to you. It could be good to invest in some good shirts from Uniqlo, like Laura mentioned, or J.Crew, they have whole woman@work or men@work sections. A good place to start if you wanna look gay and also nice is to wear “masculine” shirts with “feminine” prints. Here’s what a bunch of other queers are wearing to work! I do think this is a good “Find Your Fit” idea if you want to submit it. If you wanna save money, you could always pick up some cheap shirts at Goodwill and then get them tailored.

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Q.

Hi, I’m feeling some bisexual sadness right now. I’m in a monogamous relationship with a guy that I truly truly love, but this tends to make me feel disconnected from the queer community. Added to this, I’ve been wanting to try out threesomes as a way to both get to reconnect with my gayness and as a compromise with the whole monogamy issue. The problem is… I have no idea how to go about it without making anyone uncomfortable, or without queer women hating me for being “one of those unicorn hunters.” Like, this isn’t for my boyfriend to get to have sex with two women; it was my idea, and he knows that he may be only minimally involved. Anyway, my point is that I would very much like to go and find such a person in a respectful. low-key way, but there’s so much hate online about people who do that that I really don’t even know if I can. No one who makes these posts about “predators” and such seems to consider the possibility that it might be wlw trying to set these things up, rather than straight girls. I don’t know what my question is really, except I would love input on “ethical unicorn hunting” or whatever, and maybe also just some reassurance that I’m not a shitty, fake-gay? Bisexuality is hard, and people on all points of the Kinsey Scale want to make me feel shitty about it for some reason.

Rachel: I think there are a couple things happening here — you’re right that bisexuality is definitely hard, and that feelings of being “fake” are definitely a real and harmful experience for so many of us, and that they can be reinforced intentionally or unintentionally by LGBT community and by straight people. Another thing that’s happening here is your interest in experiencing things with a third/s! Right now in this question I feel like you are maybe conflating these things, and I’m getting the sense that you believe other bi women are opposed to joining you and your bf because they think of you as a straight girl. I’m not sure what the specifics of your community or “these posts” are; maybe someone has said something to that effect! Even if they have, though, I would gently suggest that you try out separating those ideas for a moment in your thinking through of this situation and do some thought experiments to see if there are any other reasons why bi women in your community might feel this way, and if there is an opportunity for empathy/connection here rather than defensiveness. By the time most of us, bi women, have reached adulthood, so many of us have experienced at best unwanted sexual advances or at worst sexual violence, and there is a good chance it was specifically tied to our sexual orientation/bi identity and stereotypes thereof, often specifically centered around threesomes — unsolicited propositions for threesomes, propositions from strangers, partners trying to coerce us into threesomes or being punishing/jealous because they assume we want them just because we’re bi, the list goes on! Often in these scenarios we’re being treated (as is any fetishized minority group in situations like this) like a two-dimensional fantasy, not a whole person with needs, wants, boundaries, desires, etc.

By the time your post/dating profile/text/whatever inquiring about a threesome reaches a hypothetical person, they have likely already waded through a lot of life experiences that haven’t necessarily suggested that this will be a good experience — and that’s based on their experiences, not you, or their perception or assumptions about you. Anecdotally, I think most bi women who are solicited for a threesome with a different-sex couple are at least open to the idea that, if not actively assuming that, the woman in the couple is also bi; after all, she does want to have sex with a woman! Even this knowledge doesn’t necessarily assuage other concerns though; lgbt women as a group are perfectly capable of treating other lgbt women poorly, and again, most bi women in this situation have plenty of reason to be wary. I guess my advice here would be to approach looking for a third with some of the same things you’d approach looking for any kind of sexual/romantic connection, and be mindful and clear about what you can offer them as well as what you’re interested in from them. What do you and your boyfriend bring to the table as a couple for this person? In what ways can you concretely respond to any concerns or insecurities about being objectified — or if you’re looking for something purely casual and very NSA, how can you be upfront about that in a respectful way? What, specifically, do you foresee your boyfriend’s involvement being and can you make clear that you’re actively enthusiastic about respecting her boundaries around that? Are you looking for someone to date and spend time with outside of the bedroom too, and if so what will that relationship look like? The more you can communicate about these things proactively and make it clear that you’ve thought about the third person’s experience as well, the better this will probably go!

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Q.

Hey Team AS! I have a question. As an anxious person, what are your tips for calling out something? I’m a mod online and have tried but as an anxious person, feel I am Fucking It Up and The Worst. Should I direct people to resources? Should I stfu? Would love some help for future reference. Ty, love the work you do!

A.

Laura M: Are there community guidelines you can cite? I imagine that writing lengthy responses for each unique case you encounter would be exhausting, and is not really what people want from mods anyway; frequently, they just want someone to enforce the rules.

If there aren’t rules for engagement in your community, maybe you could write them? And then you’ll get to appeal to your own authority when you succinctly point people to a pre-written explanation of what category of thing they’re doing that’s bad. That would be pretty neat!

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Q:

Hello! I’ve been thinking a lot about my gender lately and am having a confusing time with it… I was socialized female, but always felt like I was really bad at “being a girl” whatever that means. Once I realized my queer identity, I figured that had something to do with my feeling different about my gender than other girls I knew, but after learning about non-binary identities, I can’t stop thinking about what that would mean for me. I guess I am just having a hard time distinguishing if I feel weird about being seen as a woman because of the societal implications that has, or if I feel weird about being seen as a woman because I am not really one… how do I separate the two? How do I stop wondering if it’s just men treating me as less that is making me feel this way? Does binding and wanting top surgery make me nb or are those things that can coexist with being a woman?? – a confused 20-something something

A:

Archie: TBH, it doesn’t matter ~why~ you feel weird about being seen as a woman, just that you do. It’s probably some combination of both anyway. Separating the two reasons is pointless because gender-feelings are often a muddled mess of reasons. Remind yourself that you don’t need a reason to be non-binary, you just are sometimes. And remind yourself that sometimes there’s a multitude of reasons that make us non-binary. You can identify as nb because you just are AND because of how society/men has made you feel. There’s no rules here. Binding and wanting top surgery can totally co-exist with being a woman, they can also be indicators of a non-binary identity! There’s a million ways to exist in a body. I’d focus on what makes you feel good about yours and lean into that, whether that be identifying a certain way, changing pronouns (or not), or binding (or not), and don’t feel like you have to justify any of it.

Riese: Part of why I identify as a lesbian and not bisexual is because of how society/men has made me feel, and I’m comfortable with that, so! Also tons of cis women bind for so many reasons. It’s less common for cis women to want top surgery, but I know plenty who have. You’ll figure it out, there’s no clock ticking on any of this.

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Q:

How do you tell a straight person you don’t want to go to Pride with them? A not particularly close friend of mine texted me asking if I’m going to Pride and I am but I just want to go with my queer friends… Of course there are acceptable reasons for straight people to go to pride events but I feel like she falls under the category of ‘looks like a fun party / cool spectacle’ and I’m just not interested in going with her, but I don’t feel close enough to her to have this kind of frank conversation!

A:

Archie: You 100% don’t have to explain ANYTHING to them, and you 1000% don’t have to go to Pride with them. Just tell them, “I actually plan on spending Pride with a bunch of my queer buds, sorry! I’m sure you’ll find someone else to enjoy the festivities with. Happy pride!” Then go live your gayest life.

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Q:

So my new girlfriend used to be straight (or thought so, anyway) and does not understand my obsession with Autostraddle or lots of gay things. She’s also insecure about whether she’s “gay enough” for me and if I’ll decide I need someone gayer. I’d like her to have AS to go to for community and to feel less alone, but I’m not sure the best way to introduce her to the site so that she can understand what it is and what it can mean to people. I tried to start her off with some articles by one of my favorite writers, but it turns out the Erin is for a more refined gay palate :) Any article recommendations for a newly queer woman who doesn’t identify with lesbian (except sometimes she does) because she doesn’t want to take away the genuine-ness (?) of her previous relationships with men, but feels a little biphobic (understands that the label is true for her, but is skeptical when it is used by celebrities) and is most comfortable with “queer”? Ideally I want her to feel connected and to start to understand how AS is more than just gay headlines or random articles.

A.

Riese: Hmmm okay. So I’d say that of all our writers over the years, the ones who have identified as bisexual or else as queer but have been open about also dating men currently or in the past are Rachel, Laura M, Audrey and Hannah H. I’ve written about how even though I identify as a lesbian now, I very much do not discount past relationships with men as things I was genuinely into and seriously had no idea I was gay until my early/mid-20s.

• Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About My Sexual Orientation And Were(n’t) Afraid To Ask
• Our Willow, Ourselves
• Coming Out As An Amorphous Weirdo
• What I Want From My Queer Community: Inspired By An Autostraddle London Meetup
• Like Love Was A Thing I Could Do
• We All Have Feelings For Julia Nunes: The Autostraddle Interview

Also here are 22 of Autostraddle’s Best Articles on Bisexuals and Bisexuality — I know she doesn’t identify that way but you might find something here that would resonate with her. We did that in 2016 though so it’s not TOTALLY COMPREHENSIVE.

And maybe…

• For All The Girls I Loved Before I Knew I Could
• It’s A War Out There: How Queer Female Friendships Can Save Us All

Maybe commenters would have other suggestions!

Laneia: Ok yes but also, is she the kind of person who refuses to listen to the band that everyone’s into right now, or read the book that at least three of her friends have told her is SOOOO GOOOD and that they know she’ll just LOOOOOVE it? Because I am hella that person and if my wife was like BUT THIS WEBSITE IS SO GOOD AND THE COMMUNITY OH JUST WAIT YOU’LL SEE I’d be like, raincheck! I think because I’m a contrarian and want all the cool ideas to be my own! Listen I’m just being real with you. Maybe, much like that album you listened to in 8th grade that changed the way you thought about the whole damn world, Autostraddle is the kind of thing one must introduce oneself to. (Also my own wife doesn’t even read Autostraddle and was super not into labels or being part of a queer community until she went to A-Camp! Maybe you should bring her to camp? Just throwin’ some ideas around!)