Welcome to the 21st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1

I recently started squirting, and at first it was fun and exciting, but I’ve gotten self-conscious about it! It’s messy and unpredictable and every time it happens, it feels like the volume increases. Is it possible to control squirting, so I don’t have to prepare for the mess every time I have sex? Alternatively, how do I learn to embrace this new thing my body is doing? (I promise this isn’t a humble brag! I am truly feeling weird about it!)

A:

Malic: Congratulations on your new squirting ability! Some people try to squirt for years and years, while a lucky few squirt all the damn time. But we’re not so lucky — I’ve been in the position you’re in, and constantly squirting buckets of liquid means that sex and masturbation are always a big production (and wouldn’t it be nice to get finger fucked in a bathroom stall without looking like you wet your pants afterwards? Can anyone even remember pre-pandemic bathroom sex?).

If you tend to squirt during or just before orgasm, you’re probably pushing out with your pelvic floor muscles when you orgasm instead of pulling in. To control whether or not you squirt, you have to train your pelvic floor muscles to pull in. Strengthening your pelvic floor with daily kegel exercises definitely helps, but mostly you have to practice. And by “practice” I mean masturbate (fun!) while you try not to squirt. If you’re worried about soaking your sheets during your first few practice sessions, masturbate in an empty bathtub or even over the toilet. Eventually, you’ll be on your way to dryer sex. By using this method, I’ve managed to mostly control if and when I squirt. That means that sex and masturbation require way less planning, I get to have MORE of both and I still get to squirt when I want to. Good luck!

Carolyn: Let me add my congratulations to Malic’s! In addition, if you’re worried about getting prepared for squirting you could try arranging your bed such that you’re just always prepared for squirting and don’t have to think about it. A waterproof mattress cover works for some people, but for something that feels a little sexier and doesn’t change the texture of your mattress top, try adding a moisture-resistant Fascinator Throw to your bedding. They have plush outsides, water-resistant insides, and are, machine washable so cleanup is easier.

Vanessa: Co-signing Malic and Carolyn, congrats, and also totally understand where you’re coming from re: not humble bragging. Squirting is exciting and fun and rad and honestly feels very very good (in my opinion!) but it does add another element to think about during sex and I hear you, that can be annoying.

I’ve never heard of the technique Malic suggested, and I think trying it out is a great idea. I will say that just practicing the way you orgasm in general is cool for anyone, whether you squirt or not, because there are so many ways to orgasm (or not orgasm and still feel good) and it’s fun to feel a little more in control of your body and the way you orgasm (just so you have that as an option – obviously it’s also very fun to not feel in control of your orgasms sometimes, too!). Everyone’s body is different and while the general theme of squirting is the same, slightly different motions and spots trigger squirting in different people. Learn what it feels like as your body is approaching that sensation and see if there are ways you can divert that attention in a way that still feels good.

Also, I cannot recommend the Fascinator Throw Carolyn suggested enough. I have one for squirting purposes and I am obsessed with it. Aside from being very useful, easy to clean, and super pretty, it is so fun to announce, “just let me go get my sex blanket!” to a date. 10/10, you won’t regret this purchase!

Q2:

I have a question for you from a friend of mine. She has a preteen niece who recently told her parents (my friend’s sister and brother in law) that she wants to change her feminine name to a unisex name. She told them she’s trans, but has not requested any other changes other than the name (no discussion of gender, pronouns, transitioning, etc.). They want to be supportive of her but are concerned that she might be saying she’s trans for attention. When they told her they wouldn’t change her name legally just yet, she told them they were homophobic. They’re concerned because she never exhibited any signs of being trans until the name change request, which they think might have been influenced by her new group of friends, many of whom identify as queer.

I suggested that the niece should be in therapy with someone qualified to work with trans kids and her parents should be in therapy too. I also suggested that perhaps they could have her meet with a member of the trans community so that she could humanize the transgender experience a little more. But I’m a cis woman, so I don’t feel super qualified to give advice on this subject.

How can my friend better support her niece? What else can her parents do to support her? It’s tricky because they don’t want to invalidate her identity by telling her to stop saying she’s trans, but if she is using the label as an excuse to be angry at her parents, they also don’t want to encourage that. Any advice?

A:

Carolyn: A lot to unpack here, but I’d start by considering (or encouraging your friend and her sister) to consider that a binary model of transition is neither true nor a great way to help the kid involved. There are as many ways to approach transition as there are trans people, and the idea that someone is “trans for attention” because they’re not following some made-up idea of what a transition “should” look like is an idea that needs to go in the trash.

Also, people don’t need an excuse to be angry at their parents, they just can be. And queer and trans people find each other, so is it that the kid has been “influenced by” their friends, or is it that seeing their friends live their lives has given the kid permission to be true to themselves, too?

Drew: Your friend has absolutely nothing to lose by supporting her child. Cis understanding of transness, especially when influenced primarily by media, is so incredibly limited. Your friend does not know enough to say that “there were no signs.” This child didn’t run around shouting, “I’m a boy!” at age 5? That means nothing. This child is simply asking to be called by the name of their choosing, to have their transness validated, and to hopefully have that name changed legally. What is your friend afraid of? Having to change the name back? Or the possibility that her child is, in fact, trans? My guess, whether she admits it or not, is her true fear is the latter. There’s this thinking among cis people that if their child has to be trans they understand, but it should be the last resort. Bullshit. Your friend is lucky to have a trans child. Sure, get the kid a therapist, but mostly so they have an expert who they can go to to complain about their mom.

Q3:

Hi! I already started my coming out path a year ago. I dated a girl who in public was not shy or distant, which was good, BUT also didn’t talk about me with any friends or family. Is it selfish not to want to date people who are “further back” in their coming out?

A:

Malic: Nope, that isn’t selfish at all. You are not responsible for helping a partner on their way out of the closet unless you choose to put yourself in that position. Meeting a partner’s friends and family is a really important part of building a relationship — you get to become part of their world. It’s totally ok to limit your dating options to folks who are ready for that.

Carolyn: Hard agree; it is not selfish. Down the line, disparities in coming out can also lead to real problems within a relationship, and they are completely avoidable by just avoiding that person instead.

Kayla: Agreeing with everyone above and also adding that I say that as someone who has been on the other side of this equation. Before I came out, I was in relationships with people who were very much out, and it created a TON of issues in the relationship and just wasn’t right for either person involved. In fact, in some ways it held me back from coming out because so much of my identity was too tied to the person I was dating—if that makes sense. In any case, I can assure you that you’re absolutely allowed to choose a different relationship dynamic for yourself, and it sounds like the person you dated has a lot she needs to figure out on her own, too.

Q4:

Hello beauties!! I read “baby gay” in the advice column and I’m going to steal the term for a bit.
Another baby gay, needing some advice.

This is the second time I have a crush on a girl who is probably (almost certainly) heterosexual.
Maybe they (this two girls) give some vibes, vibes that I suspect they have hidden even of themselves and they have not yet explored, I explain myself well?

What I want to ask you is this: If this new crush already knows I’m queer and only talks to me in a friendly way and never showed signs of being queer, how do I turn off these feelings so I don’t end up disappointed? How do I avoid in the future not being attracted to girls who DON’T like girls?
Thank you!!

A:

Malic: Oof. I’ve been there. I’d hate to give you false hope, but it feels important to acknowledge that you could be picking up queer vibes from either of these girls. It’s possible that one or both of them are queer and they just haven’t said anything about it. There’s also a chance that they’re queer and they don’t know it yet. Lots of queer people thought we were straight before discovering that we’re not. Again, the chances are slim, but if you want to go out on a limb and tell one of your crushes that you’re into them, go for it. This is definitely risky: there’s a chance that she could feel uncomfortable with that and end the friendship, but sometimes it’s easier to get over your feelings if you know that dating is totally off the table.

If you decide to be forward and get turned down (or if you decide not to pursue this at all), the easiest way to get over feelings for someone is to cut off contact with them for a while until you feel ready to rengage. So how do you stop falling for straight women generally? You can’t. Sometimes straight women are totally crush-worthy, smart, funny babes, and you’ll catch feelings. What you can do is decrease the likelihood that you’ll keep falling for straight girls by putting yourself in spaces with queer people. Join a club. Go to queer events (even during a pandemic, you can check out queer events online). Surround yourself with fun, interesting queer people, and you’ll be more likely to crush on one of them instead (and you’ll make new pals, too).

Kayla: Malic is right about the fact that the only way for sure to know if someone reciprocates feelings is to tell them. But to the latter part of your question: There unfortunately is no magical solution to make yourself never fall for a straight woman again. It might happen again. Or it might be something you sort of outgrow. That was at least the case for me who had her fair share of baby gay heartbreak over straight girls in college. I think we’re especially prone to these things when we’re first coming out because first realizing that you’re into women makes it EXTRA EXCITING to be attracted to women and project romance onto relationships that might already have some level of intimacy like friendships. So I do think it gets easier to avoid falling for straight women, but it still happens. And there’s no easy way to avoid it other than to remind yourself over and over that it’s not a fulfilling crush to have. There are so many queer women out there to crush on!

Q5:

Wibbly wobbly gender feelings! I’m struggling with some gender identity confusion. I’m late twenties and have always identified as a gay woman but increasingly feeling more non-binary/agender. Always been very gender non-conforming, feel incredibly uncomfortable in traditionally femme outfits/makeup but until recently felt adequatley represented by a soft butch ish label. I often get mis-gendered as male. This used to make me feel uncomfortable but i’ve realised it’s only if the other person makes a massive fuss when they realise they’ve got it wrong. You can call me any pronouns and i don’t mind, i don’t feel close to any of them anymore! Thus the weird feeling of being left in the middle. I can’t tell if i really feel without gender, or if i just feel more settled in myself so less sensitive to the divide between genders. I prefer to appear fairly androgenous, but having a small chest means i don’t really feel any body dysmorphia. And I love women! I don’t want to abandon that part of me! The divide between identity and presentation is feeling very blurred to me. I’m just so uncertain how to explore these feelings, and whether its really worth it when i doubt it would change how i live my life (although maybe this is because i wouldt feel brave enough to make changes at work) I’ve tentatively mentioned it to my (very supportive) wife but havent had any deep discussions. Any sage words of advice? I’m worried i’m making a fuss about nothing!

A:

Malic: It sounds like you don’t want to change anything about how you live or how your gender expression manifests physically — you have new words available to you to describe the experience you’re already living, and you’re trying to figure out if you can or should claim them. The answer is yes! You can claim any gender identity words that feel aligned with your experience, and you can claim that all at once. For many of us, our genders are too damn complex to fit neatly into one identity category. So experiment with words. See what feels good to you.

And in case you do want to make some changes to your physical gender expression, your name, your pronouns, how you think and talk about yourself or anything else, exploring those options is absolutely worthwhile, and you don’t have to stick with any one thing. Taking time to think and talk about your gender expression isn’t “making a fuss,” and it doesn’t have to be this big, serious endeavor — if you have a supportive partner and you’re surrounded by a community of open-minded folks, exploring your gender can be fun! I learned that from Kate Bornstein’s writing, and highly recommend checking out her work.

If you decide you want to experiment, try things out in a space where you feel safe. For example, when I was experimenting with my pronouns for the first time, I asked a small group of friends to use new pronouns for me for a weekend. It was a great opportunity to see what felt good without making a big announcement to everyone I knew.

You might feel differently about your gender at different times, or you might do all kinds of gender exploring and find that you’re happiest identifying as a gay woman. All of that is ok! All of our gender experimentation leads us towards a greater comfort within ourselves.

Q6:

My friend is insisting that in the 80s-90s there was a spate of crimes where people were hiding HIV infected syringes at gas stations to stab and infect unsuspecting people. I feel like I read somewhere that was an urban legend (it fucking sounds like it! And like gay panic/homophobia to boot!) but I can’t find reliable info to correct my friend. Has anyone heard of this before?

A:

Malic: I’ve never heard this urban legend, but you’re totally right to assume that this story is rooted in gay panic and Snopes says it’s false.

Valerie Anne: That was definitely an urban legend where I grew up, but instead of gas stations it was in the cushions of our local movie theater seats. (The article Malic linked to mentions that.) Though I actually don’t know if they told us it was specifically HIV or anything, it was just like “Watch out for dirty needles in the seat cushions!”, which is definitely ridiculous. I grew up in the height of D.A.R.E. and the parents in my neighborhood were obsessed with keeping us away from drugs – it was around the same time people were paranoid that Halloween candy was all going to be contaminated with drugs and razors. And while there was a real drug problem in the city I grew up in, I never once heard of anyone actually encountering one of these mythical needle traps.

Kayla: I think in addition to providing resources like the above link that disprove this urban legend, it might be worth it to engage with your friend in a way that gets them to see that what they’re saying makes…no sense. Ask them where they heard/read this information; ask them if it makes sense to them; ask them why they think it/where it’s stemming from. Sometimes people are more receptive to this approach vs. just telling them they’re wrong.

Vanessa: My babysitter told me about this in the 90s (wtf) and it terrified me to the point that my parents looked into it and yes, as Malic linked to, absolutely false. Also Kayla said this in a much nicer way but truly, why on earth is your friend worrying about this when they could be worrying about any number of real horrifying atrocities that are happening this very day in 2020?!?!?! Seems like a real waste of their anxious energy! You can tell them I said so! (JK probably don’t take this approach, but I am very sorry you’re even dealing with this! Sheesh.)

Q7:

how do I zoom date when I live with my parents? I’m out to them and it’s fine I just don’t really have anywhere private and none of us ever leave the house except for work

A:

Malic: If you live in a warmer climate or if it’s not too cold yet, you can go on your Zoom dates outside as long as you can still get wifi out there. If you live in a house with a garage, that’s an option (but it’s definitely a less sexy option) or inside your car (if you have one) or inside your parents’ car (if they have one). Once you explain the situation to your date, they might be impressed with your creativity.

Of course, a little communication might be able to get you out of this situation. I’m assuming you’re an adult, and even if you live with your parents, you still have adult needs — like the need to maintain some semblance of a dating life during a pandemic. Tell your parents you’d like time alone for the occasional Zoom date. Ask them if they’d be willing to go for a stroll or go for a drive, and offer to do the same for them when they need some time to themselves. Maybe you can sync your date time with your parents’ grocery trips or appointments. At the very least, they might be willing to watch a movie with headphones on so they don’t have to listen to you flirting. Living through a pandemic means that we all have to negotiate with the folks who share our space. If you haven’t started doing that already, it’s time to start now.

Carolyn: If you’re in a position to get them, a good pair of headphones with a mic that allows you to speak softly might be a partial solution. And a noise machine (or two) can also go a long way if you have no choice but to hold dates when your parents are in the house. When it comes to placement, put it closer to your parents than to you if possible (so you don’t try to talk over it), and make it just a little louder than you think you need to. If you have two, one near your door and one near wherever they are is even better. Some of them are even portable and last on rechargeable batteries for hours. If buying a noise machine isn’t an option, but your parents spend part of the time in or near the kitchen, you could time dates with prolonged cooking projects like beans or broth that require slow simmers and thus require the oven hood to be on for long periods of time, functioning like a noise machine. Laundry machines, a(n older, louder) dishwasher cycle, a neighbor using a power tool, garbage day pickup hour, and when you know a parent has a scheduled phone call are also all great potential opportunities for shorter dates, depending on your situation. And many of the ways to soundproof for kinky sex are also great ways to soundproof for zoom dating near your parents.

Kayla: Since you ARE out to your parents, I do think it’s worth having a conversation with them about this, even if it’s a little awkward. If for some reason they’re not able to leave the house at all, you could still let them know when you’re planning on having a Zoom date and articulate clear boundaries ie asking them to first of all NOT SNOOP but also maybe stay downstairs if the house has multiple levels or in the farthest room from yours if it doesn’t. It’s not an unreasonable request, especially if you give them plenty of heads up. I’ve also had private conversations in a literal closet before, which could make for a funny icebreaker on a date.

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