Welcome to the 19^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

Hi! I just joined A+ and loving it so far. I was reading Slick, A Love Song part 2 and I got to the part about going down on a hairy pussy and I personally was very shook! Haha. I’ve been out as a lesbian for several years and I’ve never gone down on anyone. It’s a whole thing with my touch aversion, emotional trauma, ex girlfriends, etc. It’s a long story, I won’t go into it today but I haven’t had that much sex, just twice with one person. And I’m in my mid twenties and I try not to feel like I fell behind or something but it creates a lot of anxiety when I’m dating someone new. I even slept in someone’s bed and did absolutely nothing after a very cute third date. That’s it, I just kissed her a few times and just went right to sleep. that’s how had this is lol. I haven’t even been in another relationship for about 4 years now and no casual sex in between. Anyway, back to the pubic question. One, I’m nervous about being good at head and feel like I have to get it done right immediately, I’m not nervous about the taste or anything. I’m just worried about building all of this tension but not being able to please my partner and wondering if I should just tell them about my prior emotional trauma/touch aversion that resulted in me almost never having sex or just tell them after I screw up. Two, I’m afraid that even if I DID do well, they’ll want to go down on ME and not want to deal with of my hair. I trim it occasionally but not often and very minimally, it’s clean and everything. I just don’t know if it’s common for Lesbians to be perfectly fine with going down on someone will essentially a fill bush or if I’m generally expected to trim it down. I’m very comfortable with my bush, and while I’ve shaved it down bare before, I don’t prefer to.

Wow I didn’t expect this to be so long. Sorry about that! I’d appreciate any advice, guidance, words of encouragement or even just a virtual slap in the face telling me to calm down and get over myself! Haha thanks in advance if you answer xx

A:

Malic: The first time you go down on someone, you’re not going to “screw up!” There’s no single way to perform oral sex. Everyone likes different things, so no matter how experienced or inexperienced you are, you’re going to need feedback from your partner to know how it’s going. That feedback can happen in the form of physical cues (your partner gets wetter, their genitals become swollen, they moan, they press into your face, etc.) or that feedback can happen in the form of verbal cues (“A little lower,” “Softer,” “Right there,” “I like that,” etc.). If you want to share your past experiences before having sex in order to establish your own boundaries or if you think that will help you feel more comfortable, then go for it. But if you’re only trying to get out ahead of “failure,” don’t do it. Apologizing for “bad sex” before it happens can smother what could have been a fun and enjoyable romp.

Regarding your pubic hair: people do all kinds of things with their pubic hair, and in my experience, people in the queer community aren’t weird about it. I’ve seen all different kinds of pubic hair styles in my sexual adventures (and I’ve done different things with my own) and it’s never been an issue. Your pubic hair is your choice, and if a partner doesn’t want to have sex with you because of your hair, that’s probably not a person you want to fuck. That said, sometimes it makes sense to trim pubic hair for logistical reasons — sometimes long hair on a vulva can get in the way or pull uncomfortably when you’re having penetrative sex. If that’s happening, then a little trimming might be necessary. Otherwise, wear that bush with pride!

Vanessa: I want to enthusiastically co-sign every single thing Malic just said and I also want to say that LOTS of people will not only “be perfectly fine” with a full bush but will actively LOVE IT. Just FYI.

Kayla: I believe you never HAVE to disclose inexperience when it comes to sex unless it’s something you feel will make you more comfortable or you need to do so in order to establish your boundaries. I think it’s easy to be insecure about inexperience, but the vast majority of potential partners are not going to judge you for it. Everyone is learning new things about sex all the time, even when you DO have a lot of experience. Because sex with new partners can be different and there are a million ways to have sex—a million ways to have GOOD sex. So it sounds like you’re just very in your head at the moment, so try to stop these thought patterns and instead focus on what you want and communicating with your partner about what they want. Don’t self-sabotage! Also, like Vanessa said, lots of people love a full bush, and if it’s what you’re comfortable with then by all means don’t change it.

Q2:

Anyone know a place to start if I’m trying to find the right engagement ring and I want my money to go to someone queer? Especially looking for an Indian*, Black, or Indigenous jeweler/artist/designer.
*the country India

*And*

Follow up to engagement ring question: I found at least one option for rings (automicgold.com) and now I’m wondering if I should design/pick out the rings on my own or with my partner? We’ve looked at rings together in the past casually so I have an idea of what she likes. And she loves surprises and wants to be proposed to. But she also likes looking at rings and would probably enjoy the process (while wanting all of the things and not being able to narrow it down :). I’m thinking about a custom set, so there wouldn’t be a return option if I did it on my own. Thoughts? Ideas?

A:

Kayla: I don’t entirely know how to answer this follow-up question, because it seems to require knowing your partner and her wants, and I think only you can really do that? But I also think you kind of answered your own question with this: “She loves surprises and wants to be proposed to.” Then I would say trust that knowledge of your partner and surprise her, especially if she hasn’t expressed that she wants to be involved in the process.

Nicole: Congratulations!! First, I love that you’re being conscientious about who you’re giving money to for this purchase (especially because the precious metals / stones industry globally is f*cked). Do you follow any local, queer jewelers on social media? I bet your community has some who would probably be happy to talk to you about a custom set! Even if someone isn’t a good fit, they surely also know who the other queer jewelers are near you. Plus, casually showing your partner the work of various local artists that you just happen to follow on social media is maybe a sneaky way to help you narrow down a person / style to go with.

Which takes me to my next point: if she loves surprises, and has communicated that she likes surprises when also discussing that she wants to be proposed to — I’d say go for it! It sounds like you know each other pretty darn well, so if your instincts tell you that a surprise is the way to make that moment special for you, then I think that might be the right thing. And if your gut tells you to go pick out the rings together, then you should trust yourself there, too. On a personal level, my partner and I talked about who would be the one to propose and decided that she would be the one to do it because queer relationships are whatever you want them to be / awesome. I trust my partner’s tastes and know she’ll pick something that I’ll love, and the unexpected will be part of the experience and the memory — which is really what a proposal is about, right? It’s about sharing a moment and making a memory that will last you for a long time. And ultimately, you’re the ring.

Q3:

I’m in need of advice as I’m in a rather interesting mess that typical advice columnists apparently never talk about.

I’m disabled and have a support worker. It took a lot of work to find the right worker to me, and the fact that she’s queer wasn’t a deciding factor but definitely helps.

HOWEVER her girlfriend is increasingly *not* okay with it, to the point where I’ve lost half a session to her blowing up my support workers phone, constant interruptions to our schedule and clearing notifications from me so I can’t get responses to work requests in time. Tbh she sounds incredibly manipulative and controlling but it feels like it’s not really my place to say so.

The support worker/client relationship is a really weird one. I’m her employer but also she’s the one in control of my care but also we’re kinda friendly-but-not-friends so idk where lines should be drawn here.

Do I just try and find a new worker? Get involved in their mess? Put my foot down with my support time? I hate being a hardass and it’s not my support workers fault but this situation is really starting to become a problem.

A:

Malic: I’m so sorry you’re in this position! Your support worker’s girlfriend isn’t the problem here. It’s on your support worker to perform her job duties and behave in a professional manner regardless of what’s happening in her personal life, and she’s not doing that. Before you put yourself through the trouble of finding a new worker, address this with your current worker (if and only if you feel comfortable doing so). She might have no idea how much her relationship drama is impacting her job performance, and providing some straightforward feedback might solve the issue. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to move on. You deserve a support worker who is professional and respectful of your needs!

Rene: It sounds like you’ve already put some thought into what constitutes appropriate or inappropriate boundaries with your support worker. I’m sure you’ve already recognized that it’s definitely not a good idea to get involved with their relationship. It sounds like the best way to approach this is focusing on making your needs heard and centering the services being provided. You may not even need to comment on their relationship at all! It could be as simple as saying “Hey, I noticed you were distracted/late/absent etc, and that affects me in x, y, z ways. This is what I need from you in the future! Do you have the capacity to provide that or do we need to change our arrangement?”

Q4:

My live-in, long-term girlfriend has a much lower sex drive than I do, but we communicate about it, and overall our relationship is great. After some talks about sex frequency, etc, we’ve started getting into mutual masturbation more. This feels really enjoyable to me (albeit different than sex I’ve had in our relationships), and my partner has said it takes the pressure off of her to orgasm, and she feels more comfortable with her body this way. We still only have sex every couple of months, though we’re trying for more.

My partner is also supportive/sex positive about me masturbating on my own (she’s said her medication just knocks her sex drive out cold, so she doesn’t masturbate solo, watch porn, or so on). Anyway, I feel like some latent sex messaging (??) or something has gotten to me, because I’ve suddenly worried about if this sort of sex is normal for a relationship, or if I’m being delusional in it working for us. Is mutual masturbation as the go-to sexual intimacy in a couple ok/normal? Am I delusional for feeling like it’s a good step in my situation?

A:

Malic: You’re not delusional! If mutual masturbation feels good and works for you, then it’s totally ok for that to be your go-to partnered sexual activity. It’s hot to watch someone else get themself off, and it’s satisfying to be in charge of your own pleasure. If you need to mix it up, try masturbating while you face each other, incorporate dirty talk, masturbate on top of your partner or masturbate together while you watch porn.

At the end of your question, you described mutual masturbation as a “good step.” If you see it as a step towards other kinds of sex, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about that.

Kayla: I agree with Malic—you’re definitely not delusional! In fact, you seem to be in a very healthy sexual/relationship situation. You’ve figured out an arrangement that works well for you despite different sex drives, and it sounds like everyone is content with this arrantment. There is no “normal” way to have sex within a relationship, because it all varies based on wants/needs/etc. of all people involved. Mutual masturbation as your go-to intimacy in your relationship is more than okay/normal—it sounds totally healthy for everyone involved.

Rene: Omg, are you kidding? Mutual masturbation is the best! Definitely not delusional. I actually personally find it enjoyable and think it’s a really healthy way of sharing sexual intimacy, especially between partners who may be frequently busy/tired or have different sex drives.

Also, like Kayla said, if everyone feels content, then there’s no reason to worry. There’s definitely no one size fits all for sexual intimacy in any relationship. And if it makes you feel better, I know for a fact that mutual masturbation is pretty common in many relationships (especially long-term ones and relationships between people with different sex drives).

Q5:

Hi all! Where do people find financial advice that isn’t from horrible and condescending rich white men? I’m 33, single, and have a great career (senior management, continuously exceeding my goals and earning promotions). I make a great salary for the industry I am in- I’m not bringing in 6 figures or anything, but this is a higher salary than I ever expected to make at this point in my life for the career I picked. Here’s the thing, though: I have a ton of debt. Along with the usual student loans and car payment, I have hella credit card debt. I had a few very depressed years and treated myself a little too much, and now I’m paying back around $1000 a month in just credit card debt (spread over multiple cards) and I can’t get ahead. I’m in therapy now, not as depressed, and not spending like that anymore, but it seems like I can’t get out from under this mistake. I already live really modestly, and work so many hours at my full time job that getting a part time job doesn’t seem feasible. I’ve kept this hidden from my friends, family and partners in the past. Any good advice on where to start?

A:

Malic: Read Bad With Money by Gaby Dunn! She’s a (famously bisexual) writer who triumphed over a whole lot of debt. She has a podcast (also called “Bad With Money”) in which she interviews financial experts about credit card debt, student loan debt, the psychology of spending and more. These resources should help you get started!

Rene: I’d recommend talking to a financial fiduciary if you haven’t already. You’re much more likely to receive actual effective advice from a fiduciary than a financial advisor because fiduciaries go through stricter certifications. They will lay out your options for you and help you figure out a realistic plan.

Also, leftist resources like The Nap Ministry might be helpful! The Nap Ministry offers criticisms of capitalism and grind culture while also offering you actual useful advice on psychologically dealing with debt and financial insecurity. It could help you with your stress and anxiety regarding debt without dismissing your concerns.

KaeLyn: We actually wrote about just this thing. Let me find it for you… Here it is! Full disclosure, I wrote it and I, like Gaby Dunn, am not a financial planner or expert. I’m a person who had a lot of credit card debt and went looking for this very info you’re looking for. Want to know the truth? I wrote that post five years ago and I still have credit card debt. I’m on my way to being debt-free or free-er, but unless you can get a huge raise or just, like, more money somehow, the reality is that it will take time and that’s OK. At least, that’s my way of thinking about it. Extreme frugality doesn’t work for me. Having a realistic plan does. Just recently, I got down to my last card and now I’m able to use my other credit cards in fun ways like paying for bills and essential purchases to rack up guilt-free points.

Frankly, it’s OK to carry credit card debt. Stop thinking about it as an embarrassing big mistake and start thinking about it as an opportunity to make a plan and stick to it. Stigma be gone! Also, Gaby’s book is really helpful for getting in a better headspace about debt and money. Definitely check it out!

Q6:

Hey Autostraddle team,

So this one is a doozy and is probably at least three separate questions wrapped into one. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.

I came out when I was 27, pretty much right after Pulse. I already felt like a late bloomer because of that, and at the time I was dating a man, so there was a lot of imposter-syndrome tied in, too. A year and some after that, I broke up with him. About six months after *that*, I started dating someone new – my first queer relationship!

Except…not really , after all, despite how in love with her I was during the relationship. We dated for a year and a half and the breakup was messy (to say the least) — she was really horrible and cruel to me and put me in some rough situations. I had to find a subletter for the place we’d been living, find a new place to live, and move, all in a few weeks, right after starting a new job. On top of the stress and emotional turmoil from the breakup itself, after some time and distance I realized that she had been emotionally abusing me. (It’s probably worth noting that 2019 was already an exceptionally bad year for me even before then, with some serious health issues, months of chronic pain flares, family drama, and the aforementioned job change.)

I finally felt ready to date again in early March, 4-5 months after the breakup, and then…well, you can guess how that went. I’ve done a v small amount of dating in the time since then. So far I’ve had a handful of mediocre experiences, including one person doing a shitty half-assed ghosting on me, and another person doing a hard 180 on whether she was into me or not, in a way that felt like she kinda strung me along (or maybe got freaked out that I was forward about liking her?).

And now, here I am, out for a little over four years, turning 32 later this month. And it feels like pretty much my entire queer experience is defined by trauma and bad experiences. The only queer relationship I’ve been was abusive and I’m still sorting through the baggage almost a year later. I’ve had big family fights and drama and don’t speak to some of my extended family any more. I’ve lost friends, and of course had the usual microaggressions too, and like…I don’t mean to ignore the positive experiences that I’ve had and the places I’ve felt welcomed into, but it’s so hard.

I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of my younger queer friends because my experiences are so different. I feel like I can’t relate to my queer friends that are my age, because they came out long before me and are mostly in settled relationships. I *still* have imposter feelings around queerness because due to [insert long and irrelevant backstory here], my ex and I never had sex or really got very physical at all, and that’s honestly so embarrassing to me. I feel like I need to give a disclaimer about it, but also don’t want to dump a lot of details around a former relationship and manipulative behavior on someone on like the third date or whatever. And all of this (plus biphobia, gender issues [I’m nonbinary], etc) makes me feel like I don’t fit in most queer spaces and like I’m just there until someone is gonna realize who I am and kick me out.

It seems like every single dating app is disproportionately people in their early 20s, and I feel old and gross by comparison. And then the people that are closer to my age tend to be poly people or people who are heavily…assimilationist, for lack of a less aggressive word? I see my friends having these super cute queer love stories and great relationships and meanwhile I get blown off or flaked on or jerked around. And I feel stupid for being torn up about this, with a pandemic and fascism and everything else going on, but I think that’s part of it, too. It feels like nothing is ever going to be okay again and like I’m never going to have a chance to have anything good in the love department.

How am I supposed to grieve the years I already lost to being in the closet, when things just…keep happening and I feel like I’m continuing to lose time? How am I supposed to figure out all of this stuff, what feels like stupidly late in life, and why do I feel like I’m always doing it wrong, no matter what I do? How do I stop feeling like a walking “tragic queer” trope who doesn’t fit in anywhere? (Also, seriously, how has nobody solved the “stop showing straight girls to queer women & non-binary people” and “let people filter by interest in monogamy vs polyamory” problems yet?! It’s 2020!)

I know everything I’m asking is hard (impossible?) to answer and that it’s all wrapped up in deep-seated multi-layered fractals of pain and trauma, but I appreciate your time spent reading this and any advice. Hope you’ve all been as well as is possible under the circumstances and that you continue to be <3

A:

Rene: First of all—not to repeat something that I’m sure you’ve heard before but: you are NOT alone! I’ve met so many amazing folks in the LGBT community who feel the exact same way that you do and share many of your experiences. I think it may help a lot to acknowledge that your experiences are much more common in the LGBT community than it may seem. We need to acknowledge that while the experiences of LGBT youth are valuable, I personally think that we are often overrepresented in mainstream media and as recipients of resources and community services. Many LGBT folks are NOT young at all—in fact, I think a pretty significant majority probably feel similarly to you but are scared to talk about it! So I think it’s brave of you to feel comfortable enough to speak up and share experiences that many folks may feel too ashamed to admit.

It may be easy for me and other young LGBT people to tell you to simply be secure in yourself and tap into your confidence and self-love when we don’t necessarily experience the same feelings of isolation that you do. I do want to point out, however, that sometimes our insecurities and anxieties do cause us to dig a deeper hole for ourselves. I think this is true for all generations of LGBT folks.

Make sure you continue approaching other LGBT folks assuming good intent—whether its a queer space or a dating app or the grocery story—and you may find that they are more likely to treat you the same way! If you find yourself getting hurt over and over again, then it’s possible that you may need to be more firm or honest about your own boundaries. Focus on being as honest and direct as possible with potential partners or dates about what you want and need. Don’t force things or try to hold on to something that simply won’t work. Sometimes it’s better to just chill out and let an organic connection develop at its own pace.

Sure, it can be hard to make yourself vulnerable, but you’ll find it much easier to weed out the ones who can’t accept you for who you are or who can’t make you happy when you let yourself be known as soon as possible. That’s better for you AND the other person, and it keeps you from wasting time.

Q7:

Hey ladies! Got another relationship question for y’a.

I’m currently in what seems like a very healthy fledgling relationship, but I’ve noticed a few red flags (pink flags?) come up within myself. In the past I’ve ended up with older women with varying instabilities across mental health and personal issues, and although we always connected on personality/political/sexual levels, this has always lead to our undoing combined with my tendency to give too much of myself.

I often find myself the one who compromises in relationships; hiding my own true needs and wants while trying to give up anything so the relationship might last. This includes smaller things like being over accommodating about commitment, and time spent together, and money; and larger things like potential decisions to have or not have children, or which city and country we want to stay in.

The girl I’m seeing* is lovely and we have the best communication I’ve ever had, but last week we were all at her apartment and she made an off handed comment about wanting to move to Ontario on a two year working holiday visa which made me internally go AAAH!

I know that I can’t see the future and know how long this will last, and I also know that we shouldn’t make our decisions on moving somewhere else for another human. But I’m a nomadic human and a massive romantic, so whenever someone I’m with is planning on moving somewhere, it just doesn’t seem like a big deal to me to up and follow them. Some of my close friends have done this (straight friends, even,) and now they’re married. But I also know that moving for someone you’re not in a big deal relationship with is Le Bad Idea most of the time, so I quash this notion and try and deal with my anxiety?

How can I feel less AAH about relationships, and not try and give too much of myself when it won’t necessarily fix or prevent anything? Is there a healthy way to communicate AAH to a partner? if you answer, all the thanks xx

* for once, same age as me, mentally stable, mature, works full time, has badass career goals and knows herself.

A:

Malic: I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating this person. If you’ve openly discussed being committed to each other and she mentioned her desire to move away in a group setting without talking to you about it first, that’s not ok! Feeling “AHH!” is a totally normal response to that situation. 

It sounds like you’re doing a lot of emotional labor and mental planning about a move that might not even be happening, so before you try to decide for yourself if you’d be willing to move for this person, check in with her about it. Maybe she wasn’t serious or maybe she was only talking about moving in a “someday in the far, far future” way. This might be a helpful way to open up a conversation about where you see the relationship going.

Regarding how to not give too much of yourself in relationships overall — spend time with yourself. That might look like being single for a while. It might involve seeing a therapist or scheduling time to spend alone. For me, thinking about my needs and boundaries and writing them down has helped me stay accountable to myself and avoid losing myself in my partner’s needs.

Rene:
While I think I generally agree with Malic, I also feel like I don’t have enough information here. I strongly second what they said about checking in with her. It sounds like good communication is the BEST step to take in this situation. Assume best intent and just ask for clarification! If she truly feels committed to you, I’m sure she would have no problem speaking honestly with you about those plans.

Sometimes people just need a little encouragement to open up! I know I certainly do–I’m not gonna lie, I’ve sort of been in the same position as your partner. For example, I’ve made off-handed comments about considering internships in other parts of the country, or wanting to take several-month long trips to my hometown in Korea, without sitting down and having intentional conversations about these desires with my committed partner at the time. Of course, these comments ended up stirring fears and insecurities in my partners. Obviously that was never my intention! But things were always pretty easily resolved whenever they asked me for clarification and I simply was honest with them. It’s hard to be the one to always bring things up, but if your partner is really trying their best, then they won’t hold it against you.

Q8:

I recently started taking anxiety meds which have made it basically impossible for me to come (though nothing else about my sex drive has changed). While I still enjoy masturbation, I enjoy it way less now. I know that orgasm isn’t the point of sex, but I really like it! I’ve never found another way to get that endorphin rush, and tbqh I need all the endorphins I can get in this hellfire of a year. I have only ever used a pretty basic bullet vibrator and I was thinking about getting something fancier (god bless all of your sex toy recommendation posts) to see if that helped. However, I have just moved into an apartment with two of my best friends for the duration of quarantine, which is absolutely wonderful *except* there are very thin walls and no one ever leaves. Are there good vibrators that don’t make a lot of noise? Is it possible to get an orgasm endorphin rush from something else? Do I just need to wait it out and hope that an upcoming med switch solves this problem?

Also, thanks for being the best, Autostraddle & A+ folks! I hope the sky is beautiful where you are, and you get to wave at a cute dog and/or baby passing by, and you realize you *do* have more of whatever food you thought you’d run out of so you don’t have to go to the store tonight, and you fall asleep easily and wake up feeling refreshed! *chef’s kiss to all of you*

A:

Malic: You are correct that a vibrator can help some people orgasm when their usual masturbation routine is no longer working. Fortunately, there are quiet toys — they just tend to be a little pricey. Battery operated plastic toys are the cheapest, but they’re also the loudest. Something that’s rechargeable, on the small side and made out of silicone will generally have a quieter buzz (my quietest toys are by Crave, but there are definitely other options out there). If you’re ordering a toy online, read the reviews — reviewers tend to mention the volume of the motor.

If you end up with a vibrator that’s louder than you expected, white noise is your friend! Turn on a fan or an AC unit or play music. Put a pillow over your lap. That should cover up the sound. If your roommates end up hearing you, remember that they’re probably masturbating in their rooms, too! Part of living with people is understanding that sometimes your roommates will have sex or masturbate behind closed doors.

Remember there’s a chance that you still won’t orgasm while using a vibrator. If that’s the case, talk to your doctor adjusting your medication or dosage. In the meantime, seek out an endorphin high from activities like walking, dancing, home workouts or cycling. These activities won’t give you the feeling of an orgasm, but they’ll still give you some release.

Rachel: I’m so excited about this question, wow! I love talking about strong vibrators and the reality that meds are great and also it rly sucks not being able to come when and how you want. Malic’s advice is all correct, I have some thoughts of my own, and also want to point out the work that Archie’s been doing on the super-intense vibrator front for a while now. This list of strong vibrators that aren’t hitachis isn’t organized by quietest, but I can confirm the Zumio is super intense and super quiet. They also have several TikToks devoted to this topic, like this one! I would second Archie’s recommendations of suction toys in general; the Womanizer is pricey but literally has a silence feature that keeps it as quiet as possible and is generally touted as a very intense sensory experience, and I’d add the WeVibe Touch along with the Womanizer and Zumio to my list of v good and v quiet vibes.

Q9:

Yo! I’m hoping y’all will have some awesome advice for me. I’ve been sexually active for a while now, usually sporadically because I move every six months for work, but because of the pandemic* I’ve been stuck in one city and have been able to really get out there this year. I’m feeling aces with vanilla sex and some aspects of BDSM (impact play/bondage/dominance..), but one area I feel completely out of my depth in is toys.

I grew up with a *lot* of sexual shame from my mother and no sex ed, didn’t even masturbate until I was nearly seventeen, and recently some partners have been suggesting that we incorporate toys which just makes me feel pressured and anxious af.

I have a dildo I use to get myself off, which I enjoy, but the thought of even bringing that into partnered sex makes me completely panic. I had one ex use her vibrator on me which I did Not enjoy and she didn’t seem to understand because she kept using it in subsequent hookups.

My current (and very new) girlfriend hasn’t brought up the idea of toys into the bedroom, but if she wants to try it, that makes me internally freak out. I don’t know, maybe I want to explore more, but it still makes me feel icky and like crawling into a hole.

I was able to fake my way through vanilla sex until I got it, but this is just… yikes. Any advice would be appreciated.

*I’m in New Zealand in a state we don’t have a lockdown or quarantine, so no stress on the ‘be save for covid’ front ;)

A:

Malic: If the idea of using toys during sex makes you feel “icky,” don’t use them! You don’t have to! Sex can still be exciting without them.

It sounds like you don’t enjoy having sex toys used on you by partners, but are you ok with using toys on others? If your girlfriend really wants to incorporate a toy, you can use it on her without having the toy used on you. Set your boundary in advance to get out ahead of your worries. If you’re interested in getting over your sex toy fear (for YOU, not for partners), use them on your own first to take the pressure off.

Rene: Totally second that. You should never feel any kind of pressure to do something sexual that you do not want to do. Also remember that you’re under no obligation to explain yourself or change your mind! It can be hard to set those boundaries, but I promise you it’s really rewarding. Even if your partner hasn’t asked you yet, having a conversation about it preemptively may bring you a lot of relief. And it doesn’t have to be weird or awkward either! If you’re close enough to this person and trust them, you could bring it up in a casual way—like, “Hey, you might think this is bonkers but uhhh I’m really weirded out by sex toys!”

Like Malic said, you don’t even need sex toys to have really hot, amazing sex. I personally barely use them at all and my sex life is poppin lol. But I definitely want to add that it’s also okay to be inquisitive and reflect on these anxieties internally. If it’s not too much for you, it might be helpful to you to address or explore your discomfort with sex toys at your own pace and comfort, or with someone you trust.

Q10:

I’m trying to help my dad get over his prejudice with gays. He is willing to, but is very hard for him. He feels very ashamed and think is all wrong. He has no one who he can really open up and I feel that is eating him. He does not take my advice of going to a therapist or find a group o parents of gay children. Both his children are queer: I am bisexual and my brother is gay. Is there any advice you can give me on how to work together to help my dad? Any recommendations of books/movies focused on the parent side ?

A:

Shelli: This is so kind of you to want to help your father get through this but honestly, you do not have to do this work. He isn’t taking your advice and he may be willing to learn but he doesn’t seem to be doing his part. It sounds like you’ve given him many tools and suggestions and just are seeking more but it’s lowkey worthless if he hasn’t even used the ones you have already given him.

Now that you know you have done so much of the work of trying to help him get over his prejudice I think you need to spend time on yourself. Do the work it takes to accept that he may not get there but that it has nothing to do with you, and learn to rest in the fact that you have done all that you can to help.

Acceptance and understanding from our parents feels great but you can’t spend so much of your life trying to help them get there.

Malic: You can give a person all the resources in the world, but sometimes overcoming homophobia just takes time. It took some of my family members several years of seeing me happily dating women for them to recognize the validity of my queer identity. The increasing prevalance of queer and trans people in mainstream media has also made a huge difference in their perspectives. It sounds like your dad wants to change, but he isn’t ready to take steps on his own. Instead of showering him with resources that he probably won’t use, let time do its thing.

Q11:

Relatively low stakes pandemic problem, but how do you find time/space for your elaborate masturbation routine whilst also suddenly living with your partner (thanks, covid) in a 1-bedroom apartment who for obvious reasons rarely leaves the house without you? It seems weird to like lock them out of the bedroom so I can have sex with myself when they’re sitting around and possibly horny too (+ in the moment I’d always choose partnered sex over non-partnered). Further complicating things is the fact that I can only achieve orgasm semi-rarely and solo (and with the help of some toys so a hand in the shower isn’t really an option) and find them to be a physical stress reliever that isn’t particularly pleasurable versus sex which is a pleasurable journey that never yields orgasm. I can tell my partner doesn’t exactly get that and sometimes feels a bit of bruised ego about the fact that it’s not something they can do for me or with me so arg I really don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them that i need to orgasm and thus need them to leave the room. Am I doomed to gently reminding my partner that going for a run improves their mental state in the hopes that they’ll leave the apt without me for a spell?

A:

Shelli: “This has nothing to do with you”

You have to just tell them you want to orgasm and so you need them to leave the room.

It sounds direct but partnerships are about communication. You have to practice being direct about it before you move on to the gentler versions. You said your partner doesn’t exactly understand some things so first step is talking about it all again. If you explain it to them like you’ve just done with us and add in a few pauses for questions and an ego stroke or two then to me — that sounds like enough.

You should be able to explain your sexual needs and wants to your partner and not have them turn it into something about them. You still enjoy partnered sex with them but also deserve to enjoy the pleasure that masturbation gives you without worrying about how they feel about it. It also sounds like they need to do some work on themselves surrounding their feelings being hurt simply because you want to masurbate — and that is not work that you can do or should do for them because it has nothing to do with you.

Yall just have to start talking, working on and through certain shit separately and together.

Malic: When you’re living with a partner during a pandemic, it’s important to take space away from each other for reasons that have nothing to do with elaborate masturbation routines. We need to spend time alone to keep up with our mental health and maintain our identities outside of our relationship. It’s also important to spend time with friends away from your partner, which you and your partner can absolutely do right now (if you keep it masked, socially distant and outdoors). A general conversation about time apart is worthwhile. If you want to specifically address needing time home alone to masturbate, that’s a totally normal conversation to have with a live-in partner. If your partner takes your masturbation habits personally, don’t soothe their ego — tell them to respect your needs. Like Shelli said, your partner needs to know that your masturbation needs have nothing to do with the sex you have together.

Kayla: I echo a lot of what everyone else is saying. You really need to just talk to your partner. It sounds like masturbating provides something different for you than partnered sex, and you can be clear and direct about that with your partner. But in truth, you don’t even owe them that much of an explanation. If your partner tries to make it about themselves, then point that out. Like Shelli said, remind them it actually has nothing to do with them. If they’re still not totally getting it, I actually think it might be helpful to bring up the running thing—NOT as a way to like subtly manipulate them into leaving the apartment but rather to make a comparison. Running improves their mental state, and it sounds like mastubration improves YOUR mental state. Maybe your partner will be able to understand it more clearly if it’s laid out for them like that.

Q12:

So I’ve never really been into the bar/club scene. I’d much rather sit on my couch in my pjs with a margarita and a few friends. But lately I’ve been craving queer community in the form of going out to a gay bar (and meeting people and hooking up with strangers because I’ve been feeling real lonely, etc). (I’d like to think this is not a weird pandemic related craving, because going out was not something i really ever craved pre-covid). What I have been doing though is spending a lot of time watching LA lesbian YouTube and just seeing the gaggle of queer lady friends that are living their lives and going out to gay bars (pre-pandemic!) and seemingly all dating eachother, etc and i feel like that’s all I want. I live a few hours outside LA in small conservative little town with very little open LGBTQ presence and have for most of my life. for some reason lately the idea that so much queer community is so close to me yet feels so far makes me sad. (And the thought of just taking myself alone and immersing myself in the gay nightlife of LA is not something that interests me) And I know this isn’t true at all, but I feel like at 29 I’ve passed the age where I would find peers at gay bars. For some reason my lack of IRL community it’s all just been making me feel real sad lately and I wish I had my own group of gays I felt like I belong in. I guess there wasn’t really a question in here and that I’m just looking for someone to tell me I’m not old and that if this is kind of community I’m still craving post pandemic, I will find it?

TL;DR – I’ve been very uncharacteristically craving the queer bar scene and spending my weekends getting sloppy and hooking up with strangers, but I feel old and like I don’t have gay friends to partake in such activities. But also the pandemic… and who knows when going out will ever be a thing again. Any words of encouragement?

A:

Malic: I turned 30 this year, and I very much relate to feeling old at gay bars. Fortunately, there are ways to make queer friends your age outside of nightlife. Search social media for local meetups. Maybe there’s a queer hiking club or a queer-focused organization that needs volunteers. The kind of people attending daytime events tend to be a little older, and they’re clearly invested in socializing (as opposed to hooking up or getting wasted). Making friends during a pandemic is definitely tricky, but outdoor, socially-distant, masked events are still happening, especially in and near cities. You may have to travel closer to LA to find this stuff.

If you can’t find an event that speaks to you, bring the queers to you! Organize your own outdoor meetup in your own neighborhood or closer to the city and advertise it queer groups on social media. I know people who moved to a new city just before the pandemic hit, and I’m sure they’d be super grateful for a meetup. If you still crave that nightlife, you’ll be equipped with a group of older pals who can hit the bars with you once it’s safe to do so.

Lastly, I don’t have experience with this myself, but I know multiple people who have had luck making new friends on dating apps (they just state that they’re only seeking friends in their profiles). That might be a great way to find queer folks in your own town!

Q13:

I was in an on-off-relationship last year (I wrote about that in the void of this very inbox several weeks ago), since, she has reached out which always brought everything up for me again and made me long for an “us”. I addressed this prior to meeting up three weeks ago (first time after 9months), and because yes, the inner intimacy was there, I saw the potential – hello again wish.. So I took a somatic therapy session and figured out to be upfront, confessed that -stripped bare from anxiety or defenses- I want us together. As assumed, this is not the case for her (she does not see us as a couple and claims we would be unhappy together), so I inevitably had to ask her not to reach out again. because I need to move on!! ouf. I know its for my best, practically nothing has changed, but it sure is hard to know that she is now forever gone. My idea was that everything is clear now (I told my truth, I got the “no”, now get over it! I need to let go of the potential and face reality!), and I decided and we agreed not to press the “why”, because it doesn’t matter / wouldn’t change anything — but obviously it still haunts me.

If it’s not due to faults I have (she said so) – why would she not want to be in a relationship with me, this is such a mindfuck, because at the same time she seems to frequently think of me, misses my face (why else would she reach out), is sad after us meeting/parting (I failed to ask why, but assume it is bec of the impossibility of being), likes me a lot, thinks I’m hot, smart, etc, I do great stuff, am vulnerable but also strong+muddle through, and she has said she is a person who wants to be in a committed relationship (contradictory to what we had)

i feel like it’s she decided maybe back last spring,leading to the first breakup, that she doesn’t see us as a couple, and never revised this decision??! but still went through iterations of together, labled-affair-but-acting-like-together, amically reaching out. (I did talk about my side, but always failed to inquire in-depth, because she never went deeper and I may have not wanted to threaten the precious connection)

someone said that maybe she liked me but not loved me. but: what is love?? I really don’t know, but would think that she shows/showed loads of cues, but of course it requires willingness!? and if not even she liked/loved me well, who else will?? i feel like no matter what I do or am, it’s not enough to be loved. because obviously she wants me – but she doesn’t want me. that’s such a mindfuck.

I know, no one can look into anybody’s head, but maybe… help me figure it out, make sense?!

Thank you!!
Yours,
Miserable confused possibly unlovable me.

A:

Malic: I wish I could tell you why this person doesn’t want to be with you. It sounds like she might not even know that answer. Despite her mixed signals, she’s made it clear that your relationship is over. It’s time to stop ruminating and let go. Instead of spending your energy asking questions you’ll never answer or trying to change yourself, focus your energy elsewhere. Spend time with yourself. Date other people. You are lovable — you just need to open up space in your life to be loved by people who are not your ex. It sounds like your ex’s behavior has been really confusing, so it might make sense to cut off all contact with her, at least for a while.

Kayla: Trying to figure out why someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you is often a waste of time and energy. It won’t change anything. This person has been clear about not wanting to be in a relationship with you…even if they’ve also done some things (like reaching out) that imply otherwise to you. You made the right call by asking her not to reach out again, because you clearly need space and time away from her. But you also aren’t taking that space and time if you’re constantly trying to figure out her reasoning. Continue to take time away but make sure you’re not spending that time away obsessing over the past. You’re not unlovable just because one person does not want to date you. Try to work through some of that self-sabotaging thinking and figure out what YOU want in a relationship instead of focusing on the reasons this relationship did not work out, because figuring out what YOU want are questions that you can actually answer whereas any attempts to question the previous relationship are just speculation and are holding you back.

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