Welcome to the 18^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

My father has narcissistic personality disorder. For context, he and my mother are still married, even with the emotional abuse. Things have gotten less intense over the years, as my mom, sister, and I have all been able to figure out how to have a relationship with him that is tolerable. For me, that means picking up the phone when he calls roughly weekly for a few minutes of small talk and casual catch-up, and having a bearable conversation with him when I visit to see my mom. I’ve worked out a lot of my daddy issues and emotional baggage from him in therapy. There are tons of things I can fume over from the emotional abuse over the years, but I’ve accepted that I’ve never had a healthy father figure, and that my relationship with him will never be much of anything. This is the status quo. I can deal with it. It’s what works.

I came out as a lesbian to my mom when I was 17, and while our relationship is not perfect, she supports and loves me unconditionally. I’m 30, and my dad still doesn’t know I’m gay. I’ve never told him, my mom and sister haven’t, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know because if he found out, he wouldn’t be able to keep that to himself. Next month, I’m flying across the country to spend a few weeks with my long distance girlfriend, part of which happens to be over the Jewish High Holidays (my family is Jewish). My mom brought up the question of if/what I should tell my dad. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, and I don’t travel for work (or ever). My sister will likely be visiting my family for the holidays, with my dog (she’s dog sitting while I’m gone), and there will be a big question mark to my dad as to why I’m not coming to visit them, and why my sister has my dog.

My father is not religious, but he’s very traditional and close minded. He’s made many homophobic remarks over the years, while also going to a relative’s gay wedding. Very complicated and dissonant. I feel like I should just suck it up and come out to him, but I have zero idea how he’ll react. It would be a triple whammy – “I’m gay, have a girlfriend, and am flying across the country to see her.”

In weighing my options of coming out to him now, I see that it would be great to not have to worry about lying and getting caught in a lie, but I don’t want him to emotionally sabotage my trip. I’m financially independent, and I know I’ll be physically safe, but I’m nervous about breaking the status quo of the peaceful dynamic and what might happen. He can get very angry and say very hurtful things. The emotional abuse is real, and something I don’t want to ruin my trip.

I’ll never be close with my father, but I am sympathetic to his own trauma (which is a whole other story), and I want to maintain a tolerable relationship with him, for him, me, and my mom.

Should I do the triple whammy coming out? Gay – girlfriend – trip. Or should I lie my way out of this? Will that anxiety ruin the trip on its own?

A:

Malic: I know you’re worried about having an uncomfortable relationship with your dad post-coming out, but it also sounds like keeping your relationship a secret is weighing on you. Telling the truth is usually easier than lying — you won’t have to carry all the anxiety of being found out. If you want to tell your dad about your trip, go ahead and tell him that you’re visiting your girlfriend.

I’ll give you the same coming out advice I give everyone: assume the best of the person you’re speaking to. If you approach your dad with the expectation that he’ll freak out, then he’s a lot more likely to freak out. If you approach him in a relaxed way with the expectation that he’ll receive the news with kindness, he’ll be more likely to match your energy. Good luck!

Rachel: Wow, I also have a father with NPD! We should have coffee or start a Zoom support group or something (only partially kidding! I really wish I could find an actual support group). In general, when I have to set a boundary with my dad I know he’s going to have a problem with, I try to do it with a) no more information about myself than I absolutely have to, b) set a clear boundary as a statement of fact, not a discussion point, and c) give him whatever options he has for how to respond to me or deal with it very clearly. For instance, usually the only in-person contact I have with my dad is visiting him for Christmas once a year; recently my best friend and I decided to start doing Christmas together instead, and so I told my dad “Some friends have invited me to Christmas plans and it’s important to me to go, so I’m not going to be visiting you at [usual time]. If you’d still like to do a visit this year around the holiday season, I could do [date] or [date]. Let me know what you’d like to do.” This is maybe easier for me because I don’t have a parent still married to my dad; a closer example might be when there was a period where my brother had no contact with my dad but I did, and my brother didn’t want information about where he was living or how to contact him shared; in that case I had to set more action-oriented boundaries on my end, where if my dad asked for my brother’s address I would just repeat “I can’t share that” or change the subject, and had to commit to leaving or ending the conversation completely if my dad wouldn’t accept that. What actions can you take on your end to enforce boundaries with your dad? If he starts to get vindictive or harmful, can you say ‘I’m going to have to leave/hang up if you continue this,” and then follow through on it? I understand it’s also complicated because of your mom – if you’re concerned about her wellbeing or how he might try to bring her into this, it might be a good idea to make a plan with her ahead of time to get on the same page – do you want to make sure she’s out of the house if you talk to him? Do you conversely want her to be present to help manage or back you up? Do you want to get on the same page with her about whether she wants to tell your dad she knows or not? Is he likely to quiz or interrogate her after? Do you want to get with her about what she’ll say if he does?

I’d also note that based on the way you’ve described the situation, there’s two different pieces of info here: that you aren’t going to be home for the High Holidays, and that the reason you aren’t going to be is because you’re gay and seeing your girlfriend. It’s totally possible and ok to tell him the first thing without the second thing! If you feel ok about telling him “I’m spending the high holidays with friends, I won’t be home for them, the next time you will see me is X,” I personally feel great about that; you can talk to your mom and sister about backing you up on that as well. Is there a real risk (I can’t tell from your question) of getting caught in that particular lie? Is he going to check your social media or something? Does it feel like an emotional or relational loss to you to not be honest with him about this? If you decide that it is a loss, and the risk of backlash for right now is worth having a potential tentative relationship in the future based on the truth, are there expectations you want to set for his behavior around your relationship or identity that you can communicate to him (and back up with your actions)? How could your mom and sister support you in those and reinforce them with him, if so?

I’m proud of you and truly impressed that you’re thinking through trying to navigate this; to be honest, I will likely never come out to my own dad, and I think if you decide the same thing here, that’s an extremely okay thing to do. I don’t think anyone is obligated to come out to anyone, ever, and especially in cases when dealing with abusive parents with NPD it’s important to remember that honesty and vulnerability don’t necessarily function the same way they do in your relationships with other people; while in other situations those function to build intimacy and trust and you might feel somewhat accurately that you are limiting those relationships by withholding intimacy and vulnerability, I’d gently say that the limitations on seeing or understanding another person’s experience for a lot of people with NPD mean that I think it makes sense to make your decisions based on what will make the time you do spend together as conflict-free and manageable as possible, and if that means limiting discussion of it or disclosure about it, I would absolutely give you permission to do that — I know I do.

Q2:

This is not necessarily specific to queer people, but about self-validation…

I’m a pretty private person, but I really want to develop stronger friendships and a “community.” I enjoy supporting others, and theoretically want support in return, but I find myself either finding flaws in the ways people show up (why did they say X instead of Y when I shared Z, or so on), or dismissing it (they’re just being polite).

Any tips on how to better approach fostering bonds/connections in terms of emotional support/intimacy? Or even how to not let “meh” feedback throw off self-satisfaction? I know this has to be a “me” thing, because my friends are good, smart, caring people, and this has been a pattern for me, so I want to change my mindset but I don’t know how.

Thank you!

A:

Malic: First make the choice to start letting people in and know that the initial support that you receive from friends probably won’t be exactly what you need. Give them time to get to know you and your needs. It takes trial and error, but eventually, they’ll learn when you need a pep talk vs. a hug vs. tough love. And when you find yourself dismissing the support you get from friends, remember that they get something out of supporting you! It makes them feel closer to you, and that will only benefit the friendship.

Vanessa: I agree with Malic, and I also want to make the case for telling people how to love you and support you!

I think many of us are socialized to expect friendship to just “happen” and while some friendships do seem to occur naturally and continue with ease, the truth is that with any meaningful relationship in your life, eventually there is a time to put in the work. Some people think of “work” as bad or assume that a positive relationship won’t require it, but that’s simply not true! If you know that you really need words of affirmation when you’re feeling down and don’t necessarily want advice or problem solving, it’s a gift to tell the people you’re closest to, “I don’t really want any advice for this and you don’t have to help me find a solution, but it would mean a lot to me if you could listen to how I’m feeling and remind me that I’m still smart / fun / emotionally aware / whatever even though X is happening.” There are times when a friend may push back on this model – I am really into friends who actually hold us accountable and don’t just validate us and our decisions 24/7, who can tell us when we’re not being our best selves or when our actions could use a little shift – but if your pals know that baseline, this is what you require when you’re feeling down, they’ll be able to support you in the way you desire. If you’re someone who doesn’t want to verbally process but feels really loved and supported via food, you can tell your pals you need space when you’re sad but are always open to receiving a sweet treat on your doorstep or $5 on Venmo to buy yourself a fancy beverage. I think people don’t do this because A. we’re worried about appearing needy or bossy and B. it’s not framed as appealing to have to tell someone what we need… we’re sold this idea that if people really “get us” they’ll be magical mind readers. But it’s not needy or bossy to share how you best feel supported – it’s a gift to tell someone what you need! And no one is a magical mind reader, so it’s unfair to assume they could be.

There’s also one final piece of your question that I want to address – you say that when you do receive support from friends you find yourself being critical of it (which I think can be addressed by taking Malic’s advice and my advice above) but you also mention being dismissive, aka assuming they’re just being polite. I want to invite you to simply stop doing that! I don’t know you so I can’t make any guesses about why you might feel that way, but I do want to tell you that whoever you are and whatever your story is, you deserve love and support from your friends and when they give it to you, however imperfect, it’s not just because they’re being polite – it’s because you deserve it! Folks seek out friendship and connections because we’re social creatures and it feels good to receive support but it also feels really good to give support. Don’t sell yourself or your pals short. If they’re showing up for you, it’s because they want to. Allow yourself to receive it.

Q3:

Is it weird that I still miss my ex? We’ve not spoken for nearly 3 years, she was my first relationship, we live on opposite sides of the world now (I think, I guess I can’t confirm), and she did some incredibly hurtful things and so did I. I’m in a really wonderful happy relationship at the moment with a woman I’m really in love with. But every now and then I get a pang thinking about her over stupid things like when I find a song I love and I know none of my friends or gf would appreciate but that I know she’d love, or when I run out of podcasts, or when I read something and really want to talk it out with someone – she’s still the person I wish I could speak to about all of these things. I don’t want to date her, I don’t want to uproot my life in any way because my life’s pretty wonderful right now, but it’s been 3 years and I still miss her terribly. I miss her humour and her tastes and I miss the way we bounced off each other when we were writing to each other. Is this normal? Should I reach out or would that be a very silly recipe for disaster?

A:

Malic: What you’re experiencing is normal. Every relationship is also a friendship, and it makes sense that you miss certain aspects of someone who was once a significant person in your life. Missing your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to get back together — it could mean that you’ve had enough distance from the breakup to fully appreciate the ways you and your ex connected. That said, we’re all living through a pandemic. Many of us are getting caught up in the past, so there’s certainly a chance you’re romanticizing the connection you had.

Reaching out to an ex who lives across the world is pretty low-stakes. You can shoot her an email, and if the interaction doesn’t feel good to you, you can end the connection without having to worry about running into her somewhere. But before you reach out, clarify your intentions. If you’re interested in starting a friendship with your ex, that’s great, but if a part of you is trying to rekindle a past romance while you’re in a happy relationship, hold off on reaching out.

Kayla: What you’re experiencing is pretty common. In fact, I’ve given advice about various variations of it before for this very website. It is difficult to entirely stop thinking about exes who shaped us. I agree with Malic that you might be romanticizing your relationship with this person, especially if there was a lot of hurt there and now there hasn’t been contact in a few years. Some people get distance from a relationship and then only seem to remember the bad parts and some people get distance from a relationship and then only seem to remember the good parts, and it definitely sounds like you’re in the latter. I don’t think you should necessarily remind yourself of the bad parts of that relationship, but I do think you should remind yourself that all relationships are complicated and messy and contain much more than the things you specifically miss. The things that you say make you think of her…are they really not things you can share with anyone else? Have you tried? It’s really difficult to change repeated thought patterns entirely overnight, but since you’re in a new relationship, maybe when your mind pops back to something you liked about your ex you can pivot to reminding yourself of the things you like about your current partner. I’m unclear on why you want to reach out to your ex, and it sounds like you might be unclear on the motivation too, which is why I’m leaning toward telling you not to do it. Do you want to be friends with this person? Y’all haven’t spoken in three years, so that would be a hard place to build friendship from. Are you seeking closure? That can get tricky really fast, because seeking closure doesn’t always mean you’ll get it since it relies so much on the other person involved, and that could leave you feeling worse. Do you want to get back together with this person? Then that means you should probably be having conversations with your current partner about where you’re at. If you just simply miss them, well, I personally don’t think that’s a good enough reason to get in touch with them after all these years.

Vanessa: I really want to second Kayla here that I don’t think you should get in touch with this ex. I rarely think reaching out to an ex is a good idea, and from everything you’ve described in your question, I don’t see a reason to reach out. I do think that the pandemic spurred a lot of people reaching out to their exes (again, do NOT recommend) and I would like to suggest Himani’s genius article addressing this exact issue, if you haven’t already read it: Tempted to Check on Your Ex? Check on Someone Else’s Ex Instead! I personally would really like to normalize the idea that we can have clean breaks from our exes even if the person is good, the relationship was formative, we still have fond feelings toward them, we wish them well, etc. Wish them well inside your heart and then continue living the life you have now – no reaching out necessary!

Q4:

Hey all, I always value Autostraddle’s break up advice/insight. My ex of 7+ years and I broke up in January (lolsob, the timing) and it’s been very difficult to rebuild my life without the person who was the most important person to me, especially in the middle of a pandemic. Anyways, one small question: what do you do with all the digital traces of a long term relationship? I’m talking about hundreds and hundreds of digital photos, thousands of emails, messages on every social media platform. Dealing with the physical things have been a little easier for me (filing away letters and printed photos my file box, giving away some gifts and keeping others) but there’s just so much digital evidence of our relationship. I deleted our text messages but that’s just the tip of the iceberg! It’s not that I want to “delete” our memories together–I know this relationship shaped me in numerous ways and my ex will always be a part who I am, and its gonna take a long time to move on. But sometimes I find myself reading through our old loving and flirty gchats, or even our fights, and reliving our life together in my mind. Do I just need better impulse control to stop myself from reading through? Or is it best to delete and move on? What do you all do with the digital stuff of your relationships?

A:

Kayla: To be honest, this is something I recently struggled with myself. I went through a very bad, very drawn-out breakup and was able to leave most physical evidence behind when I moved to a different state, but I’m left with thousands of photos that I don’t want to look at but also feel like I’d be deleting whole years of my life if I got rid of them. I think it was a good move for you to delete the text messages, and I think you should do the same for things like emails, gchats, written communication, etc. if your tendency is to relive your life by reading them. Nostalgia can sometimes hold people back from living their lives. As for the photos, I think you should treat them the same way you treated the physical stuff: Shove them in a digital “file box.” You can dump them in a dropbox folder or a google folder or even just a folder on a laptop or whatever. That way they’re not necessarily gone forever, but they’re also not so readily accessible for you to browse through as they are when they’re just there on your phone. If you want to save some of the written communication as well, you can throw those into the folder/drive as well. But I personally don’t believe hanging onto the texts/chats/stuff like that really provides anything useful, and I say that as a WRITER who writes about MY LIFE. But I may also have a more “burn it all” mentality than other folks do because of my own personal history. So just decide what’s going to be the best for you! I don’t think you’re really going to be able to just will yourself to get better impulse control, so if you’re wanting to stop looking at/reading these things, the best way to do it is get rid of them or digitally store them away so that they’re kind of hidden from yourself.

Vanessa: Oof. First of all, I’m so sorry about your breakup and the timing of it all. To address your specific question: I do different things with digital archives of relationships, often depending on the relationship itself and how it ended. I think Kayla’s advice of treating everything digital in the way you would treat tangible objects is very sound – if you need to just shove it all in a box for now, that’s okay! I also think if you want to delete large swaths of things that’s fine too – getting rid of emails or social media posts is not “deleting” your memories together anymore than throwing away physical love notes or photobooth strips would be. For some people, it feels good to keep that stuff for a while and then eventually trash it, for some people, it feels good to trash that stuff immediately, and for some people (who I guess don’t move as frequently as I do and have never lived in a tiny apartment in NYC?), it feels good to hold onto artifacts of old relationships forever. The key here is that you get to choose. I encourage you to make a choice that will foster your healing and ability to move forward, not one that will encourage you to linger in the past. You’re not doing anything wrong – your impulse control is not the problem here, it’s very normal to spend time with artifacts from a recent breakup at the best of times, and because of the pandemic we all have even more time than usual to live online and in our heads – but you can set yourself up for success by removing the temptation that exists by having these digital traces easily accessible. Good luck <3

Q5:

I haven’t had a “proper” orgasm in about 10 years. What I mean by that is that from the time I first started touching myself (9? 10?) to the age of about 20 I would have wonderful, teeth-tingling, body-rumbling orgasms – some of them were accompanied, some of them were solo, but they felt like “real” orgasms. Past the age of 20, my orgasms ceased to feel “real”. I chalked this up to the fact I was touching myself less, experiencing more stress and having drunk sex with incompetent strangers.

Ten years on though, I just got out of a 2-year relationship with someone who I had really wonderful sex with (communicative, experimental, loving, not focused on orgasm as the sole point of having sex) and I’m touching myself a lot more because what else is there to do in a pandemic? I’m still not having those kinds of orgasms that I used to though. I didn’t have them with my wonderful-sex-ex, even though they could make me come with ease. I’m not having them after an hour of slow build-up date-night masturbation either.

I’m really frustrated and confused. I kind of don’t want to be told that sex isn’t just about orgasms, or that I’m putting too much pressure on myself, or that I just need to get comfortable with my body – even though all of that is excellent advice and I’m sure that’s what I would tell someone else. I love sex, I don’t prioritise orgasms, I feel super comfortable in my body and sexuality – I just don’t come like I used to and it bothers me.

Has anyone been through something similar? Can you offer any other advice/experience?

Thanks for reading. This might be a vent more than anything else. I appreciate it.

A:

Ari: Okay, this sounds super frustrating and you said you don’t want “good sex doesn’t mean orgasm” advice so literally the only thing I can think of is: are you on SSRIs? Because SSRIs will fuck up your orgasms babe. Chat with your doctor about the drugs you’re taking, because as we age, things affect our bodies differently. I’m lighting a candle for you and earth shattering, body-tingling orgasms in your future.

Archie: I wish I knew more about the way you were masturbating! As in, what toys and vibrators you’re using (if any). While partnered sex can be different, I never orgasm on my own without using a vibrator. My hand? Literally useless!! And the toys that used to get me off years ago no longer get me off now. If you haven’t invested some money into a quality, strong toy recently, please do. My suggestion is to invest in a strong wand and an air-pressure toy and see which one works best. Also add some lube if that hasn’t been something you’ve already been doing.

Malic: I agree with Archie — try some different sex toys. Our bodies change over time, and sometimes the kind of stimulation that we use to get off just doesn’t work anymore. If you’re concerned that something might be medically wrong, I definitely second Ari’s advice to reach out to a doctor. Medication, hormonal changes and any disorder that affects blood circulation can change how you orgasm.

Vanessa: Absolutely co-signing everyone here and also just want to say that for my personal body, the way I orgasm changed significantly when I gained a lot of weight. Things I had been doing for a literal decade no longer felt the same as I got fatter, and using different toys (specifically a strong wand and an air-pressure toy, as Archie suggested!) and trying different positions brought my earth shattering orgasms back at full force.

Q6:

Are other people writing in asking questions about crushing on their roommates during quarantine? My roommate and I have been quarantining since March and been each other’s constant companions. I can’t imagine what the last few months would have been like with out her. We are very close friends, but in COVID times we have fallen into little routines that make everyday nicer. When she brings me coffee in the morning, when I bring her favorite ice cream home at the end of a long week. I have found myself wanting to be closer to her, thinking about snuggling, and weighing whether this is a crush or if I am craving deeper intimacy in general. We are getting ready to move to different cities in a few months and I don’t know whether to bring up these seeds of feelings, or make the move and see what happens over time when we are not spending everyday together? Please let me know if you have any words of wisdom <3 (p.s. we are both queer incase that was unclear)

A:

Kayla: The only real options here are to tell your roommate how you feel and go from there or get over your romantic feelings for them. Harsh but true! Maybe your roommate feels the same way or maybe they don’t, but you’re not going to know for sure unless you have that conversation. You can’t read their mind, and they can’t read yours. I think sometimes people get scared to confess feelings for a friend because they’re worried about it damaging the friendship, but pining over a friend without ever communicating about it damages friendships. Since the specifics of pandemics have placed y’all in a pretty intimate dynamic, it’s possible that some of these feelings will lessen or go away once you have physical space from each other. Or the opposite might happen. You might feel their absence profoundly. Which is why I think the best thing to do is be honest and upfront about your feelings and then see what happens from there.

Q7:

Lately since my work reopened (I am a barista at a cafe) I’m noticing that customers are placing a much greater emotional labour load on me than before. Much more often, I am managing customers’ feelings and frustrations about the changes in our format in response to the pandemic, but customers are also regularly laying down huge loads on me about their personal lives. Social isolation has maybe starved them for emotional intimacy? But getting this intimate, multiple times a day, and with strangers who don’t even care to learn my name, is super exhausting when I have my own shit to deal with.

What can I do to articulate my own emotional boundaries at work, while being sensitive to the fact that I’m paid to be nice to these people? How can I avoid all the extra emotional labour while still being my natural, friendly self toward customers?

A:

Malic: Stating your boundaries is complicated when you’re in the service industry. First, perfect your defense. Are you greeting customers with the usual, “Hi! How’s your day?” Cut out any questions that open the door to emotional dumping. You can still be cheerful and polite without inviting customers to talk about themselves.

If customers still demand your emotional labor, look busy. Find a task that takes you away from the register. Excuse yourself to take care of something in the backroom. Telling the customer that you’re, uh, working while you’re at work is usually a graceful way to get out of being their therapist.

Q8:

So, this is so low down in the grand scheme of priorities, but its been nagging me and I’m not sure what to do. I work at a community college and my boss is a straight cisgender man in his late 30s/early 40s who tries to be “open minded” but often misses the mark, for example, his emails re: racial justice in the workplace were mostly long rambling missives about his own guilt and checkered history. He frequently requests our feedback and ideas re: being a more inclusive and anti-racist workspace, with very little actual work or input on his part. He also has said/done some other things that concern me, for example, he wears an Autism Speaks pin every day, which is honestly like an ableist slap in the face to me. I’m a relatively new employee and a bachelor’s degree-ed hourly tutor to his phd director of the department. For reference, I am a white (cis-passing? Is that a thing? I’m not out as nonbinary at work) person so I feel I am in a relatively privileged position to voice my concerns. However, I really do not know where to begin or how to approach it or if I even can without putting my job at risk. Is there an appropriate way to approach a supervisor about these things? I’m not sure how my other coworkers feel about this issue, but it’s bothering me to just sit on it.

A:

Ari: Most universities and community colleges have some sort of ombuds system for mediating conflict, or giving you advice to mediate conflict. I might start there if you don’t feel like these are reportable offences. However, if you feel like his behavior is affecting your work climate in a negative way, report that dude! PhDs are notoriously behind the curve on literally everything except their very specific research interest. We’re literal idiots! I cannot do addition without my hands, but I can talk to you for 3 hours about ritual and performance studies–which is useless! So, it’s totally okay to find your campus climate reporting office and say “hey, my director is doing things that are making me really concerned.” These reports usually are, or can be anonymous, they’ll get recorded (so if someone else has the same issues, the office will be like “hmm, homie has a history of this!”), and usually, they’ll send him some resources or make him go to mandatory training, etc. I hope this helps! Department directors can be pains in the ass, but you have the power to make your workplace work for you!

Q9:

Here’s my question: how does one assess whether multiple LDRs fall under “queer fact of life” or “there’s something else going on here”? After half-heartedly swearing off long distance, I find myself with some tender heart-and-pants feelings for someone who is far away and almost definitely going to stay there. This is.. okay? Not ideal! But I’ve done it before and although I know distance doesn’t work for me in the long run, I haven’t regretted the connections I’ve had with people for as long as things were workable. As for trying for local connections, a) pandemic notwithstanding, I have caretaking obligations that make it hard for me to be out in the world meeting people in the course of doing life, and b) I have done and am doing the online thing and would very much like for a local thing to happen please for the love of god — but despite living in a good-sized city, I just don’t find that many profiles appealing (or at least, not appealing enough to invest my limited social energy in a million bad dating app chats on the off chance that there’s an awesome person behind them).

And yet, I feel like there’s this idea out there that people who get into LDRs are avoiding intimacy or are otherwise wrong to do it somehow, and I have definitely accepted the invitation to overthink this. Is it possible for this to just be.. okay? Help!

A:

Malic: LDRs don’t work for everyone, but it sounds like they work for you. A string of LDRs doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re “avoiding intimacy,” but it might mean that you’re only looking for the “best version” of your partner. When you’re only interacting with a partner from a distance, it’s easy to see them through rose-colored glasses. When you’re not having regular, in-person experiences with them, you’re not getting a well-rounded picture of who they are. That means it takes a lot longer to find their flaws. You could invest years in a LDR, only to discover that your relationship just doesn’t work when you’re actually sharing space. Since you’ve had multiple LDRs, I’d encourage you to try another path. If you’re stuck on this particular person, proceed with caution before you get too invested.

Vanessa: As is often the case with these questions, I wish we could chat a little more, because depending on your answers to some follow up questions I would offer you different advice. I actually think that preferring LDRs is fine, and if that’s how you want to structure the romantic connections in your life, I see no problem with that. There is nothing inherently wrong with always only being in an LDR, in my gay opinion. However, you do say “I know distance doesn’t work for me in the long run,” which makes me think that you yourself would like to end this pattern, regardless of how society or culture or me or anyone else perceives how okay it is to prefer LDRs. HOWEVER you ALSO say, “I haven’t regretted the connections I’ve had with people for as long as things were workable.” And I think it’s okay to date people with the knowledge that not every relationship is going to be “forever” and that oftentimes “forever” is not a necessary goal; I like to push back against the idea that the only way for a relationship to be successful is if it never ends, because what the heck? If you like being in an LDR, are comfortable with the fact that it (like most relationships) will probably eventually end, and want to continue pursuing this current long distance babe, I don’t really see why it would be an issue. To answer your final question: I do indeed think it is possible for this to just be okay! I would simply encourage you to ask yourself: “Do *I* think it is possible for this to just be okay?” And if the answer is yes, go forth and enjoy the distance! If the answer is no, well, you know what you need to do.

Q10:

Do you have advice for anyone who feels behind at life? I am almost 32 and I feel that way. My friends all seem successful while I feel like I’m struggling. I just need good luck vibes from everyone, I guess?

A:

Ari: Sending you good luck vibes! And also my therapist, Rebekah, who I love, always tells me: “No one has it together.” And I’m like “Rebekah, that’s awful are you telling me I’m gonna feel this way when I’m 40?!” And she’s like, “No, but it’ll be something else. Everyone who seems like they’ve got it figured out has just gotten really good at performing.” Maybe tell your friends how you’re feeling? Ask them if/how they ever feel like they’re struggling or behind, and how they get over those feelings. You might be surprised what they tell you!

Malic: If you “had your life together” right now, you’d be boring (and probably bored) as hell. When you’re not settled, you’re not stuck. Life is full of possibility! Maybe your version of “success” won’t look like your friends’ version. What goals have you achieved this year? Did you finish a project? Did you learn a new skill? Did you have a breakthrough in therapy? Validate your own damn self and appreciate how far you’ve come.

Vanessa: I am sending you huge good luck vibes and also want to assure you that you are not behind at life because there is no timeline for life! I have a friend in her 70s who always tells me she felt so happy when she turned 55 because before then she was “so naive” but then when she turned 61 she realized that 55 was totally a false start and her 60s were really the BEST. I’m not saying you have to wait until you’re 61 to feel empowered that you’re living your best life but I am saying things are hard, this year has been really tough, and we are all only doing the best we can on any given day, week, month, year, etc. I will continue to send you huge good luck vibes and I hope the struggle gets a little easier soon. <3

Q11:

Hello! First, I would like to acknowledge that this question comes from a place of enormous privilege, in terms of financial/job/housing/health insurance security in a wildly insecure moment. But for anybody else who finds themselves in such a relatively privileged position but with deep radical commitments… how are y’all managing the massive cognitive dissonance between daily life stuff, big and small (for me: editing academic texts, answering business emails in a friendly professional way, doing little nesting projects in a new house, cooking nice dinners for my partner, family planning, etc.) and the MASSIVE undoing of the world – ecologically, politically, climatologically, pandemically…

This kind of dissonance has always been a problem, but it’s so extreme now. Like, yesterday I took a 10 min break from answering work emails to casually chat with my partner about how he might die from police violence or how we both might die or become severely incapacitated, as we are both medically vulnerable to COVID… and then I just went back to work?!? And then I feel anywhere from callous and numb to outraged but without target to sudden immobilizing bouts of imposter syndrome and self-criticism.

I don’t know what the question is. I guess if any of you have found useful strategies for dealing with this kind of dissonance, I would love to hear them!

A:

Ari: Give away your money, share your resources (have a backyard someone houseless can camp in? Give it to them! Got extra leftovers? Bring it to the encampment closest to you!), and don’t share your insecurities with those less privileged than you. I think, we all have to do what we can to survive, and when you’re privileged enough to have more than you need to survive, keep doing what you’re doing, but also, do more. Think less about savings accounts and retirement funds, and do what you can (which it sounds like for you, might be financially), to make the world better, right now. When the future arrives, we will take care of each other.

Rachel: Would love to second Ari’s thoughts in terms of materially bridging the gap and doing something concrete; I would also add that to the extent it feels like it won’t cause you to lose your job, you can be the change in the world wrt making this dissonance less so. If you’re emailing with a colleague in Minneapolis, you can ask them if they’re safe and doing ok given the presence of the National Guard here right now; you can be the one who’s honest about the reality of the pandemic (“I’ll get to that after lunch; I’m going to go get tested right now, I do every week because my partner and I are both high-risk”). You can also be an example of reshifting expectations to the extent that you have any power to at work — “hey guys, I’d love to push the deadline for this to next week; it’s been a really challenging week and I’m sure many of us have priorities other than work right now after the news about the shooting of Jacob Blake. I think we can wait on finishing this and meeting about it.” The level of dissonance you’re talking about in our work lives as necessitated by capitalism happens in part because we all tacitly participate in it; see what happens if you choose not to!

Vanessa: Ari and Rachel have both offered such good advice, I co-sign literally everything they both said! I also want to address one specific point in your question: “And then I feel anywhere from callous and numb to outraged but without target to sudden immobilizing bouts of imposter syndrome and self-criticism.” I encourage you to find a specific target and dedicate your time and financial resources to this thing. It is really easy to feel overwhelmed and sort of throw our hands up over the idea that no individual can fix everything – and that’s true, you can’t fix everything – but every single individual can fix some things. Spend some intentional time thinking about what makes the most sense for you to focus on right now, and then create some systems that allow you to materially address that issue – set up monthly donations, dedicate X amount of hours volunteering your time to a specific organization, reach out to other privileged folks in your life and work together to hold each other accountable… maybe it’s the Capricorn in me talking, but I think once you have some systems in place you won’t feel quite the same level of despair and overwhelm that leads to inaction, decision-fatigue, and imposter syndrome/self-criticism. There is work to be done in literally every single inch of our existence, so find the work that makes the most sense for you to be doing right now and get to it!

Q12:

My partner and I have been together for over a year and a half. Like many lesbian/queer couples, we’ve had discussions previously about how she receives a lot of negativity about her sexuality from her family. Recently, she told me that she was scared she was going to marry a man. I asked if this was a question about her sexuality or just the life she wanted to live, and she said it was both. She said she was worried she wasn’t “strong enough” to marry a woman.

I was floored by this, it was never something I expected to hear from my partner. This made me so sad/worried for a couple reasons:

(1) We have talked about a future together (moving in, married, kids, etc.), and that’s something I want with her. My partner said that it was my decision whether I stayed in the relationship or not, but it hurts to even imagine having our relationship move forward and then ending because of this.

(2) My own feelings aside, I just want her to be happy and live a full life. She said that this is a question that she will maybe need to explore in the future, and I want her to find the answers she’s looking for. Her happiness is most important, whether it’s in a relationship with me or not.

My question is, what do I do? My partner said she still wants to be with me, and that this won’t be an issue, but I wonder if that is the best choice for us. If she wants to explore this part of herself, wouldn’t it be better if she was completely free to do so? If we stay together, how can I support her in this? I want to remain in our relationship, I love her very much, but I am worried that is not the best path. I am struggling with how I can be the best partner (or friend, if that is best) to her as she navigates this question. I’m completely confused, so any help is appreciated.

Thank you.

Rachel: I feel for you and your partner, and I think she’s very lucky to have someone as invested in her happiness as you. There are, I think, a few things going on here, and will try to think them through from my perspective (as a bi woman who’s been married to a man but also dated and still dates people of multiple genders).

The first thing I want to note is that when your partner has talked about marrying or being with a man, the words she’s using are “scared” and “worried” — and that the reason she’s concerned about not ending up with a woman isn’t because that’s not what she truly wants, but because she wouldn’t be “strong enough.” That doesn’t necessarily sound to me like someone whose true wish is to “explore this part of herself” or who would need to be with a man to be happy or fulfilled – it sounds like the opposite! What I hear her saying is that she wants to be with a woman, likely you, and is worried about her own internalized biphobia/lesbophobia, if anything. Which is very normal and a result of living in a deeply homophobic/lesbophobic society, not a result of anything about your relationship. To be honest, internalized stuff comes up in many (most?) gay relationships, regardless of whether anyone is attracted to men; this isn’t something unique to your partner’s history or your relationship, or one that could be resolved somehow by changing those things. Nothing that your partner has said makes me think she would be happier outside the relationship; it seems to me that she’s scared about what a long-term future as a gay person in a same-sex relationship looks like, as are a lot of people.

I agree that there’s some stuff for you and your partner to talk about here, but the good news is that if she’s saying she wants to be with you and you’re saying you want to stay in the relationship… I think you’re both gonna be in this relationship! So that’s great. It is completely fair for you to be shaken and feel insecure or worried after hearing your partner say that she’s always had reservations about a long-term future with a woman when you are a woman who wants a long-term future with her. I think it’s fair for you to have conversation(s) with her about how this has made you feel insecure about your future together, not because of her (maybe? I’m unclear on this, and maybe so is she) bisexuality, but because she’s expressed anxiety about it, and talk about what it would look like for her to address that so you can feel more secure. It might also help both of you to talk more about her fears — when she says she worries about being strong enough, what is she envisioning? Can you talk about her fears as normal, albeit inconvenient, things a lot of queer folks deal with and expose them to some sunlight, or talk to other people who have been through the things she’s worried about facing? It might help both of you see this as just stuff to work on rather than a dealbreaker.

Q13:

Hey there, lovelies!

First, I’m sooooo happy the fundraiser went well, and the goal was met! Congrats to all of your awesome team :) I’m thrilled to see what comes next, can’t wait to read you all, you’ve been an important part of my life and I’m happy to know you’ll still be <3

Second, my queer ass is struggling with a pressing issue. One of my closest (and lesbianest) friends is leaving the country for an indeterminate period of time. I’m excited for her and I can’t wait to see how she grows. However, we’ll be in different time zones (7 hour-ish), her in NY, I in a small Northern Spanish town. I’ve never done long-distance friendships or similar, so I’m asking for advice here because I know you are far more experienced than I am. What are some dynamics that have worked for you? How did you manage to have a healthy, fulfilling distance friendship?

Visiting her is not part of the plan yet, with Covid-19 ruling our lives and all. I know I need to work on some of my insecurities, I think I’m ready for it (going to therapy was the best decision I made till this day). Exploring my sadness will also be a thing. We are really close and I love the way in which our relationship is developing. I value our friendship and I’d like for us to grow together.
As a side note, she is not the only one going away soon, my sister and another friend are leaving town too. Plus, traveling between towns is not advisable right now and no other friend is near me. Adventure time it is!

Thanks for your time, sending all my love <3

A:

Malic: I’m so sorry your friend is leaving. I’ve had close friends move far away, and it’s a tough transition. A great way to stay close is to STOP TEXTING and start keeping in touch in other ways. TEXTING IS THE DEATH OF LONG DISTANCE FRIENDSHIP. YOU WILL TEXT AND TEXT AND NEVER REALLY CONNECT. Here are some non-texting strategies that have kept my long distance friendships alive and well:

-Schedule a weekly phone call or video call (that way, you won’t keep missing each other).
-When the time zone difference makes it hard to be in touch, use the Marco Polo app to leave video messages.
-Send snail mail! Decorate it with stickers! Include a prize!

Vanessa: I’m also so sorry your friend is moving. Friendships are the most meaningful relationships in my life, and I always want to make space for the huge feelings so many of us have for our friends. I love all of Malic’s suggestions, but I actually disagree about the texting – I moved away from Portland in 2018 and was long distance with almost all my best friends for two years, and texting was amazing for us as a way to stay connected. I think this highlights my major piece of advice which is to figure out the best communication style for both you AND your friend, and go from there! I guess for some people texting is the death of a long distance friendship?!?!? That literally never would’ve occured to me before reading Malic’s reply because it was so wonderful for mine. Even when my friends and I were super busy we could stay in touch by sending quick photo updates of our days, messages of love and validation before big events or just to say good morning or good night, detailed rundowns of dates or business meetings or classes that we could each respond to in our own time, and funny memes or tweets we thought the other would enjoy. I am also a huge proponent of sending voice notes on iMessage, a practice I credit to three specific pals (thank you R & L & A) for getting me on board with.

But I digress. I think the real beautiful thing here is you’re making an active plan to stay in touch and connected, which is the first step to maintaining a close relationship. I have been recommending the book Big Friendship: How We Hold Each Other Close by Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow to everyone I know because it’s the first text I’ve seen written about how serious a friendship can be, and the amount of work it takes to maintain that kind of serious relationship, and I think it could be fun for you and your friend to both read that text together and then book club it from afar. You can have a video call and cook a meal together – bonus points if you both make the same meal! You can watch a show together every weekly, or send each other small gifts. Send your pal flowers for a big occasion or simply just because! If your budget is tight take a photo of some gorgeous flowers next time you’re on a walk and text the photo to your friend. The possibilities of staying close are endless – find the things that help both of you feel connected.

To conclude: 1. Be active about staying in touch. 2. Find your ideal communication / keep in touch styles. 3. Be consistent. 4. Be prepared that this will not feel the exact same as in person friendship and be ready for the learning and growing curves you will face together. 5. Be generous with each other but also be honest – if you feel like one of you isn’t staying the course, have the hard convos about that sooner than later so you don’t foster resentment. 6. Keep loving each other. Rinse & repeat, forever and ever. <3

PS: Thank you so much for the sweet words about our fundraiser! We’re so grateful to all our readers who helped us reach our goal (early!!!) and we’re so so so happy to still be here with y’all. THANK YOU!!

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