Welcome to the 17^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

I have to break up with, or desperately need a break from, a friend I’ve known for so long – like baby queers to now her and her partner gonna have babies long. It sucks. I’ve been putting it off because I kept thinking I could fix it or push through it, but hanging out feels terrible, like she literally can barely stand to be around me sometimes!!!! I’m moving away from a place she’s from, where I’ve lived a couple years as a “try it” thing, and it seems to have just made me an even worse person in her eyes. Can I just sort of ghost for a while/keep pretending until I cross the state line? Do I have to talk about all this? I’m really tired, and have my own shit, and have to move during COVID19. I did try and bring it up earlier this year, via a letter, and it was acknowledged but nothing changed. Mostly it just sucks and I would really like to just stop giving a damn, even though I still love her. Why is codependency among queers like this!?!?! I HATE IT.

A:

Malic: Growing apart certainly happens when people move, but explicitly ending the friendship might remove the stress that goes along with a prolonged “fade out.” This doesn’t have to be a long, laborious conversation. If your friend truly doesn’t enjoy your time, she’s probably just as eager to transition out of this friendship as you are. If you don’t want to get trapped in a long bout of processing, a simple, kind text message will do the job. That might seem cold, but if this person isn’t treating you well and hasn’t responded to your feedback, then it’s probably best to be brief and direct and move on.

Abeni: You don’t really explain what it is about this person that makes your friendship impossible – if I had more info then I could offer more specific advice. It all boils down, though, to this: you don’t necessarily owe this person your time, attention, or continued friendship just because you’ve known each other a long time. Like Malic said, your only options aren’t 1. Ghost them or 2. Have another long, drawn-out processing session. You can go proactive by making it clear the friendship is over with a kind, direct message. Slightly less proactive: just stop reaching out to chat, and if they do, tell them you need space. And if they want to hang out, tell them that you don’t really want to hang out then and/or anymore. And if you’re feeling really generous, you can succinctly tell them why. If you’re “text every day”-type friends, then you’ll have to tell them why you need some space, and again, if you’re feeling generous, then you can say why.

If you’re chatting and hanging out a lot, though, even though you haven’t been enjoying your time together, it’s important during and after this process to do some introspection about what this says about you. You mentioned codependency, but that’s not a queer thing necessarily, and viewing it that way seems to let yourself off the hook a bit. Why did you remain in this friendship for so long even after it was no longer good for you? Do you do this in romantic relationships? Other relationships? What do you view as your obligations to other people? Do you often find yourself toeing an invisible, unspoken line of expectation and obligation that you never actually signed up for? I feel like the end of any relationship is a great time for self-exploration.

Drew: You mentioned that you already tried to be clear in your desire for a separation in a letter, correct? If she didn’t listen to that request then I think you need to do whatever it is you need to do. I agree with Malic and Abeni that you can be clear and create a clean break, but if you feel like you already attempted this and she didn’t listen to your desires then I think “ghosting” (I don’t personally consider ignoring someone after making your intentions clear ghosting) is okay. I would say I tend to lean more towards very brief, very curt responses. Unfortunately some people catch hints quicker than others. What I will say though is moving can be so, so helpful. I’m sure it’s stressful moving right now, but I think moving can really give you a restart and an opportunity like Abeni suggested to do some introspection and to be clearer with yourself about what you want from the new friendships that you make.

Kayla: I do agree with Abeni about not really having enough information here to understand the context of this friendship breakup, so my advice is going to be pretty broad. But you know yourself best. The litmus test I usually suggest when it comes to any kind of breakup—friendships, romantic, etc.—is this: Does the relationship take more from you than it provides? That of course sounds straightforward and simple, but I still think it’s a question worth sitting with and considering. It’s hard to end relationships with other people, and sometimes we talk ourselves out of it because of the comforts we still might get even when the relationship is toxic or unbalanced or not working for whatever reason. It sounds like you’re already at the point where you’ve decided the relationship takes more than it provides, even if you do still love this person. So the best thing to do is probably move forward with separating from this person, but I agree with Abeni that you should do some introspection about how you got to this place with this person. You can do that processing while also moving along with separating your life from this person, and hey, who knows, maybe distance from them won’t be a forever thing. It might just be what the relationship needs right now. I agree with Drew’s take on ghosting also. If you’ve made your intentions clear, you don’t really owe this person more than that.

Q2:

I’ve only had one relationship and it was a decade ago w/a man. Since then, I’ve been dealing w/severe depression&OCD and I’m finally doing ok. I’ve realized I’m much more into women and nb folx than cis men and have gone on dates with people my age but nothing amounts to much. I’m 32. I don’t know how to date. I haven’t kissed anyone in over a decade. I don’t remember how. I don’t know how, if I do go on more than one date with someone I really like, to preface my lack of experience. Any advice? I almost asked out a mutual friend the other day but then was like, “She’s cute and nice, but I don’t know what I’m doing!” I’m self sabotaging before the fact!

A:

Malic: You might lack recent dating experience, but you’re clearly self-aware and know what you want. Lots of people who are actively dating lack that level of introspection, so you already have a leg up!

You say that you’re not sure how to preface your lack of experience — I’d say, don’t! You don’t have to provide any disclaimers! Every first date is a new experience for both parties. Most people are at least a little nervous for a first date, and you might even end up on a date with someone who’s in your same boat.

Abeni: Nobody knows how to date! Every person you meet is an individual. There’s no right way to do it. Or to kiss! You could have decades of experience but it was like, bad experience that gave you weird heteronormative expectations of what dating’s supposed to be like. So you might actually be ahead of the game! If I were you I’d pause right now because dating IRL is not safe because of COVID-19 and instead get on a few apps, write a few dating profiles, read a few, and try to imagine what you actually want out of dating. Why are you even dating? Don’t date just because that’s what you’re supposed to do or it’s “normal.” Do you want a partner? What do you want that partner to be like? How do you want them to treat you? How do you want to treat them and what do you bring to the table? What kinds of things do you want to do together? Or, do you want someone to fuck? What do you want that person to be like and how do you want them to fuck you? And how do you want to fuck them? It’s important to think and maybe even journal on these questions. And talk to your therapist about them. When you have a slightly clearer sense of what you’re even looking for, the confidence will come and it won’t be so scary.

Kayla: I personally don’t think people need to disclose a lack of experience if they don’t want to. If you think it’ll make you feel more comfortable with someone to let them know that you don’t have a lot of dating experience, then by all means go for it! And hey, if they react negatively to it, then you’re just efficiently figuring out that they’re someone who isn’t good for you to date. And there’s certainly no clear roadmap for dating, but ruling out people who aren’t going to be good for you is an important part of the process. But also if you don’t want to talk about your dating history, you really don’t have to. Don’t lie of course, but I think there’s a tendency for people to get really in their heads about lack of dating experience, when in reality, I’ve found that most people don’t really care? If you’re really wanting to date right now (and I echo Abeni’s advice to keep it virtual/safe during the pandemic), then I think it’ll be helpful for you to make a list of what you want from a partnership. Focus on those wants and desires instead of focusing on the things you see as obstacles, and then maybe you’ll be able to shift away from the self-sabotaging into prioritizing your wants and needs when it comes to dating.

Renea: I think it’s good to remember that whether you’ve only been in a single relationship decades ago, or whether you’re a serial monogamist, each new dating experience is ALWAYS gonna feel very new. You’re not alone in this! It’s easy to assume that everyone else is more equipped than you for dating and relationships, but you might be surprised to learn that a whole lot of people are in the same boat as you. This might be easier said than done, but don’t fight the feeling of newness: embrace it! While inexperience may bring you feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, and insecurity, it can also be exciting, exhilarating, and full of opportunity.

Like Kayla said, it’s not always necessary to disclose a lack of experience. If you can vibe with someone and they vibe with you, what’s the point of bringing it up? And if there’s a spark or a connection, don’t overthink it—just lean into it. I promise you that you will have a much more rewarding and fulfilling experience with someone who accepts you fully for who you are and where you’re at, than someone who can’t. And if you run into someone who can’t? Then that person simply isn’t right for you—and that’s okay!

You might call it “inexperience,” but I’d call it opportunity! You’re exploring queer dating with a clean slate. When one door closes, another door opens: and now you have nothing but open doors to explore.

Q3:

My father died two weeks ago and I am about to start grad school in just a few weeks. Do you have any advice as to how I go about making friends, meeting new people, and connecting with school when I have this massive grief weighing me down? Many thanks for any and all suggestions <3

A:

Riese: Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. This is the hardest shit, you know?

Secondly, maybe it would help to look at meeting new people / making new friends not as how one normally might — as part of the process of starting out in a new place and building a life within it — but just going whole hog on “making friends” and “meeting new people” as a potential distraction for the incredible grief you’re dealing with. Like make it a project! I’d just started a new high school when my father died, and after that I don’t think I spent a weekend alone for months. I’m normally pretty socially anxious and also love to be alone, but I said yes to every invitation. Even if you put yourself out there and it goes poorly, at least that was one hour of life in which you were thinking about something besides death and loss! I’m not saying to block out your grief altogether, but also, I know that you won’t, because… it’s not possible! You’ll have plenty of alone time baked in. Everybody I became friends with “knew,” of course, and I’d suggest disclosing pretty early with anybody you think might become a real friend like, just so you know, this is what I’m going through. Sometimes I might cry out of nowhere or need to skip out but don’t be alarmed! And you will. It will be weird and awkward but eventually time will pass and pass and pass and it will get easier. You might have new friends who want to help or be there for you, and you can decide if you want that or what that help might look like. And be REALLY easy on yourself. It will be harder to make friends than usual, you will feel more alienated than usual, and all you have to do is the best you can. Also, the good news is that EVERYBODY feels COMPLETELY NUTS right now because of this uh, pandemic. (Although I’m not sure where you live, I still feel this is safe to say.) Everybody is unhinged. We are all at the edge, and getting to know ourselves in ways that are sometimes good and sometimes really scary. I was 14 when my Dad died so I didn’t know anybody my age who could relate, but I’m confident you will find someone else on that campus who can relate to what you’re going through eventually, which counts as extra credit on your project.

Abeni: If you have massive grief weighing you down, it’s possible that it’s not the best time to be making friends and meeting new people. Now might be the time to focus on therapy and surviving the beginning of grad school during a pandemic. It could also be the perfect time to branch out, try new things, meet new people, and continue moving into this next chapter of your life. I don’t know! It depends on how you process grief.

I don’t think there’s anything you really need to do except get clear on what you want out of relationships right now. Do you want friends? Lovers? Study buddies? Make sure you’re clear that you’re not looking for a replacement father figure, or a grief counselor or extra therapist. That’s probably not those folks’ role in your life right now. It’s also probably a good idea to make sure it’s at least your third or fourth hangout with a new friend before you bring up your dad’s death. Might be tough to keep the emotions in check, and even a friend who is 100% there for you and ready to go deep emotionally might not have been able to do so with someone they’ve just met. If someone asks, don’t lie, but try to be like, “Oh, my dad just died actually; I’m really struggling with it and am not sure I wanna talk about it right now though. I’m doing OK, so don’t worry!” And give them an out. Or an in; maybe they love talking about grief? There are no clear guidelines or answers here, I’m sorry!

Q4:

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to read this! I need advice about ye olde green-eyed monster.

My partner (they/them) is a lovely, deeply honest person, and I trust them. That said, we have a mutual friend (MF) with whom partner had (in the past) a sexual relationship, and even though I trust my partner, it keeps nagging at me! Partner assures me that’s in the past, but they often talk about how pretty mutual friend is and acknowledge that they’re not critical of MF (to her face, even if they’ll sometimes voice frustrations to me) because they feel she needs to treated gently. This definitely flares of feelings of suspicion and jealousy in me.

I read some of this behavior as not being Totally Over MF, even though my partner swears they are. So, what I can change in this is my jealousy and feelings of insecurity. So, I ask you, how do I do that?

Thanks!

A:

Rachel: Oh this question made me feel so many things, primarily so tender toward you! I really admire the way that you are trying to focus on what you are able to control and be responsible for in this situation. And also at the same time, babe, no, what you can change in this is not your jealousy and feelings of insecurity! We are responsible for our own actions, not our own feelings; we cannot force our feelings to go away through sheer willpower or logic our way into changing them, even if we think that would help the situation or is what we’re “supposed” to do. I commend you for looking at how you can be mindful of your own behavior here, but you can do that without trying to crush your feelings into a little ball and stuffing that ball down the garbage disposal. Our task in being emotionally competent people is to learn to sit with our feelings, which unfortunately requires that they remain present and we remain present with them. Your jealousy may not go away, but you can learn to sit with it and regulate it, and eventually maybe relate to it affectionately (if with some exasperation) as information about your needs and fears.

I think there are a couple of things you can try here; both of them, tragically, involve sitting with your jealousy and not trying to make it go away. The first is to acknowledge and live with this as a sort of price of the ticket of having both your partner and MF in your life; if you have a fear of flying, then you might still decide that it’s worth it to take a plane to an important destination once in a while, and in doing so you accept you aren’t going to feel great for some of that time. You can decide you’re just going to acknowledge and live with the feelings of jealousy and insecurity that come up with your partner and MF, and you may notice that they get less over time, much as a fear of flying does if you expose yourself enough and nothing bad happens. You can also sit with these feelings and let yourself learn more about what they’re bringing up – you mention that your partner says MF is pretty, that they’re “gentle” on them. Do you wish your partner gave you the same grace in conflict or criticism they give this person? Do you wish you felt more assured of your partner’s attraction to you? Do you notice something coming up about ways you feel your partner acts toward MF that you wish they also acted toward you? These are legitimate asks you can bring to your partner, and aren’t you being bad or punishing them! “I know you said it’s because you don’t think MF can handle criticism, but it makes me feel bad that you’re more patient with them when you’re upset than you are with me. Even though I can handle it, I’d rather not; I’d really like to feel like you give me that same consideration when we’re fighting.” Part of what’s coming up for you might be a fear that your partner treats MF a certain way because they just care about them more, and if you asked for the same things, you wouldn’t get them — but you don’t know that that’s true! You can try asking for what you want, and you may well get it, and this feeling might lessen considerably. In general, cool frameworks for working with strong emotions that are frustrating and unhelpful are dialectical behavior therapy (lots of free resources on skills associated w this!) and somatics! We just published an article exploring the latter!

Q5:

This feels complicated to explain, but can someone help me unpack wtf my deal is with hearing people sharing pronouns? I’m a 30-year-old, cis-gendered woman, for reference, and I have been in a number of meetings this summer where, in a round of introductions, someone will introduce themselves and include their pronouns. It hasn’t been prompted by the host of the meeting, and it seemed like sort of a one-off thing because rarely someone else follows by also sharing their pronouns. Every time it happens, I feel myself getting really defensive – my knee-jerk reaction is to feel like it’s some kind of virtue signaling or a woker-than-thou smack in the face. I can’t figure out why I feel this way, and I’m getting really confused and frustrated with myself for having this feeling.

In one meeting, it WAS prompted by the host and I still felt sort of weird about it…like somehow it seemed really perfunctory and performative to me, even though this was literally a meeting for LGBTQ+ teachers and I can’t imagine a more appropriate place??? When it got to my turn to introduce myself I felt kind of thorny sharing my pronouns….it obviously doesn’t come from a place of fear, because the assumption people would make about me would be right…so where does it come from??

Is it worse because they are Zoom meetings? I can’t remember feeling so strongly like this when it would happen in person, but maybe I’m not remembering right? Is it because I’m a super private person and HATE sharing personal information about myself in groups, so get some kind of weird misplaced second-hand anxiety for the other person? Is this something that I feel specifically because of my cis-gendered privilege, and I just need to get over myself?? (I mean, I KNOW I need to get over myself but being able to figure out WHY I feel this way will make it so much easier to move past it).

I hope this question doesn’t come off as asshole-y because I truly 100% want to know people’s pronouns so I can use them – that’s not the question here. I just somehow have some weird reaction to public pronoun sharing and want to interrogate where this comes from and I have no idea who would be an appropriate person to unpack this with? Like, wtf is my damage???!

A:

Malic: I’m sure you already know this: the reason why people in leadership positions initiate pronoun sharing is to give participants intentional space to share their pronouns. That way, attendees won’t have to ask or correct others later in the meeting. Trans and non-binary people have ask others to respect their pronouns all the time. It’s exhausting. Getting pronouns out of the way lets trans and non-binary people feel a little more secure and probably a little more focused. Even at times when pronoun sharing hasn’t been initiated by a group leader, trans and non-binary people will use an early opportunity to share their pronouns to avoid future misgendering, and cisgender people will share their pronouns to normalize pronoun sharing for any trans or non-binary people who might be in the room. This isn’t virtue signaling — it’s an act of thoughtfulness.

But sometimes pronoun sharing can feel weird, especially in situations where no one’s pronouns will be used (like if a group of people listening to a lecture are asked to share their pronouns). Sometimes it can feel like forced outing. I wish I had a solution for that. When I teach theater classes for young adults, I always start class by inviting students to share their names and their pronouns if they want to. That way, the students who would like space to share their pronouns get that opportunity, and the ones who might feel outed or uncomfortable can hang back and talk about their pronouns in a moment that feels more relevant. I offer this opportunity at the top of every single class when I’m teaching an ongoing course, since a theater class can be a safe and fun space for young people to experiment with new pronouns. I’ve had students who started using new pronouns and even new names over the course of an eight-week class. If I hadn’t initiated regular opportunities to share names and pronouns, these students wouldn’t have had that space for growth.

You’re asking where your resistance is coming from, and I’m not entirely sure. Maybe you’re uncomfortable with the idea of forced outing. Maybe you’re offended by the idea that your own pronouns are uncertain until you state them. My best guess is that you’re mostly experiencing pronoun sharing in groups of cis people, where pronoun sharing might feel more like a “show” as less like a necessity. But guess what? You have no idea what’s happening internally for your cis friends and colleagues, and it’s possible that their gender identities and/ or their pronouns will change. Creating regular space for pronoun sharing will make that much easier for them. This comparison might help: some of your friends might tell you all about their week totally unprompted, but others might need you to ask how their week was in order to feel like it’s safe to talk and you’re ready to listen.

Abeni: Malic’s response is much more generous than mine, so read it first. I think your resistance comes from internalized transphobia. It does come across as “asshole-y” because you’re being an asshole, and you do need to get over yourself. Pronoun sharing in meetings is not for cis peoples’ primary benefit. It’s a tiny, miniscule little sacrifice you’re being asked to make in order to make some people in your group – especially on Zoom – feel a tiny bit safer. If a cis person says pronouns unprompted it’s likely because they’re trying to normalize pronoun sharing and let trans/nb people in the space off the hook.

I think you’re struggling with this because you’ve felt “normal” your whole life, gender-wise, and having to share pronouns makes you realize that you’re not just the “default human” compared to trans/non-binary people’s “other.” I’ve heard a lot of cis people say, “well, I shouldn’t have to say pronouns because people can just look at me and tell that I’m a woman!” Without realizing how powerful of a privilege it is for people to be able to look at you and automatically know how to address you – and how traumatizing it can be to be in a group with all cis people who share that privilege and have to be that person who says their pronouns, thus outing themselves and then forcing everyone else to have to consider gender, when normally they get to just go throughout their day oblivious to the gendering we all experience constantly.

The core idea that you’re expressing here: you’re annoyed at trans/non-binary people for not being normal. If they were just normal like you, you wouldn’t have to deal with all of this pronoun bullshit. They’re making your life harder by forcing everyone to confront the issue. Why can’t they just present in a way where it’s obvious how we should refer to them so that your life can be more comfortable? Or why can’t it be their responsibility to share pronouns, since they’re the abnormal ones? It shouldn’t be your responsibility to make marginalized people feel more comfortable. Is what you’re saying.

So, anyway, I’m a little bitter about this question, but hopefully you can see why it’s so problematic. But more than bitter, I’m extremely grateful to the cis people on my team at work, and in other meetings, who initiate stating pronouns when we introduce ourselves so that it’s more normalized and I, the token trans person, don’t have to be the one who does it, because I’m always the one who does it, because if I don’t, people especially on Zoom will look at me without makeup and hear my voice and start misgendering me. I’m so grateful to them and the leaders who initiate pronoun sharing in Zoom meetings and all of the other cis people who just share their fucking pronouns and don’t make a big deal about it, because being the only trans person at work and stuff is hard enough and this is one tiny, five-second part of their day that makes it slightly less shitty for me and other people like me.

Drew: I want to leave space for the possibility that maybe maybe MAYBE the reason this bothers you so much is that you’re not actually that certain about your own pronouns. I don’t know you or your gender, so maybe you are just a cis person who needs to work through some transphobia. But I also think there’s a chance that it’s forcing you to look at your own gender in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Now, that doesn’t mean you’re trans — though it could! — it can also be about what you think people are projecting on you gender wise because of your queerness and pronouns.

I guess what I’m saying is that we can’t really help you, because we can’t really know why this is making you uncomfortable. But for the sake of the trans people around you, I would focus on pushing through the discomfort and focusing more of your introspection not on the sharing of pronouns but your own gender and pronouns.

Q6:

Any advice for setting boundaries when you live where you work, especially in a rural setting?

I know a lot of people are navigating the complexities of working from home during a pandemic. In my case, I live where I work and my roommates are essentially my coworkers on a homestead. We’re on a remote island and work, eat, and socialize almost exclusively together. Privacy is hard to come by – walls are super thin and, to make a semi-private phone call, you have to walk to the end of the dock and hope the weather cooperates. Most aspects of our lives are deeply entangled with each other’s, for better or for worse. Some of us are here on work exchanges, others are compensated financially. There are definitely power dynamics at play.

I’ve been struggling with two people in particular, both my bosses of sorts. One person is typically very optimistic. He almost never says no to any request–some more reasonable than others–and likes to work hard, all the time. He has almost no personal life separate from the work of the homestead. He’s a wonderful teacher, but also has quite high expectations around work ethic and is sometimes dismissive when people voice concerns about work. The other person is pretty frequently and vocally negative, prone to bad-mouthing other roommates and assuming the worst of intentions. She usually makes her feelings known about an issue, but doesn’t tend to listen or seek solutions. It can be difficult to be sympathetic to her opinions in part because of the way she communicates them–which can reinforce the cycle of her feeling like a victim to forces outside of her control. She can also be very creative, compassionate, and collaborative, too, and is a complex human like all of us.

Well…these two frequently clash in decision-making on the homestead and miscommunications about expectations, roles and responsibilities, and needs. As a person with less seniority/power/compensation/time here, I sometimes find myself walking on eggshells around the conflict and unpleasantly hearing both of them process their shit, or find myself disoriented by miscommunication. Sometimes, my desire to be empathetic, a good listener, and supportive turns into enabling what seem like unhealthy patterns of processing, codependency, and lack of boundaries. I’ve managed to speak up about some smaller concerns, but I feel like I’m overdue for some bigger conversations about boundaries, and not totally sure how to start when I can’t really fully leave work or home for more than short periods of time. I’ve journaled A LOT, but I miss my therapist who I’m currently unable to see and don’t have a lot of avenues for support given my location. Any of your advice or perspective is welcome, thank you for all that you all do for our community. I really appreciate it.

Rachel: Wow, this one is a winner! This must be fun for you. It sounds like your bosses both have their own extremely specific deal to work out, and that their specific deals are actively at odds with each other, which sucks for you. I hear you about not being able to physically leave, and that does really suck also, although from what I can gather here it also sounds like it might have the flip side benefit of meaning that you’re really necessary and hard to replace, which means you may have a lot of leverage here if you want to use it.

I’m not sure of the specifics of the boundaries you want to set, or in what ways your desire to be a supportive listener is maybe entangling you in ways you don’t need to be. I can say in general that my personal tried and true formula for enacting boundaries is as follows: 1. Decide on the boundary you’ll set in terms of your own actions around someone else’s behavior or dynamic 2. Communicate it, including a concrete action/consequence, and follow through on it every time 3. Repeat it, warmly and politely, without deviating, justifying, or defending it. The key here is that you have to decide on what actions you’ll take to actually enforce your boundary and commit to doing them; sometimes we try to just “communicate” boundaries (“I don’t want to talk about this subject outside of therapy”) and then when the other person doesn’t follow them immediately of their own volition, we feel helpless and give up. Boundaries are based on actions we take for our own health, not favors or accommodations we ask of others, and part of how we show up for ourselves is following through on them!

In this case, boundaries for you might look like: “I know you wanted me to clear out the back shed today, but I’m hearing really different things from you and [other boss] about how you want it done, so I’m going to work on other stuff until you guys are on the same page about it. Thanks!” Commit to not starting the task until you’re given clear direction on it; if that’s hard for them to agree on, that’s their problem. If they’re arguing in front of you or bickering about managerial stuff during a meeting with you, the boundary could be “This seems like a tough call! It seems like this is turning into a managerial meeting, though, so I’m going to bow out and do my own work for now — let me know when you’ve decided on what we’re doing about this!” And then, and this is key, you have to actually leave. It’s probable you’ll experience some pushback on this, either explicit or implied, at first; that’s very normal and not necessarily a bad sign! You’d be putting your bosses in a position where they have to actually manage their shit instead of using you as a proxy for it, so of course they aren’t going to love it at first, but again, that isn’t your problem!

Rene: It already sounds like you know exactly what you need your boundaries to be. You have afforded everyone in your living/work sphere so much thought, consideration, understanding that maybe it’s time to voice your observations and ask for the respect and space that you deserve. Maybe that will encourage the others to more openly examine the spaces they take and ask for what they need as well. I’d suggest having designated times to speak on issues as a group, so that it doesn’t feel so intimidating.

Q7:

I am the hinge in a polyam “v” relationship and am really struggling with how to make the partner I don’t live with feel prioritized during covid. I have a one-year-old kid, a nesting partner, and very important relationships to my kiddo’s elder grandparents. Pre covid, the partner I do not live with would take the train from work and stay with us 1-3 nights per week, and I would visit his place (an hour away by car) at least once or twice a month.

There are so many power dynamics here at play (I’m white and in a straight-passing marriage, my partner is trans and bi-racial, he has less extended family stability/support than I do, he does not have access to a car, etc) and I constantly feel inadequate/guilty/confused about how I am supposed to spend extended quality time with him while trying to keep everyone in my constellation of care safe(r). Anyone else trying to juggle multiple important relationships (romantic or otherwise)? Throughout this pandemic, what concrete examples of support and prioritization towards others are working for you?

A:

Rene: Wow, so, this question really struck me for a number of reasons. For one, as someone who’s been in multiple polyamorous relationships and currently trying to navigate two committed relationships in the middle of a pandemic, I relate sooo hard to you right now. Not to be too self-indulgent here, but I’m honestly so relieved to hear that I’m not the only one encountering this semi-unique dilemma. At the same time, I have nothing but compassion for you and your partners and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this stress right now.

Feelings of guilt, self-betrayal, and emotional exhaustion are very common emotions that I’ve experienced as a hinge, even WITHOUT a global pandemic to complicate things further. The positions we occupy in our relationships may make us feel as if we’re tending to a delicate balance. Not to stray too far into metaphors, but the limitations and restrictions of the pandemic can easily throw an unanticipated wrench into the cogs of our polyamorous systems.

Recognize that your emotions—guilt, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, confusion—are trying to tell you something important. While both pandemic precautions and the power dynamics of your relationships are very important to consider, don’t let it keep you from being honest with yourself. Sure, these external factors make a significant impact, but what about the internal factors? Not to make assumptions, but consider the possibility that the pandemic has the potential to bring out already-existing issues in your relationships, or further highlight imbalances that were already there.

Ground yourself. What do you want from your relationships, individually? What do you want in your romantic life, in general? Do you genuinely want to engage with your partner more—go on more Zoom dates, more phone calls, etc? Do you want to schedule or set aside blocks of time just for this person?

It’s really important to be honest with yourself here, or your decisions won’t come from a genuine place. If you find yourself feeling frustrated and confused because your partner is asking for or expecting more time and effort from you than you can give, then you owe your partner honesty. He might feel hurt, but it’s so much less hurtful than making promises and commitments you can’t keep. And if your partner is beginning to feel like a source of stress in your life, it will only build resentment between the both of you.

The best solution to this is complete honesty, clear communication, and realistic boundaries that you can both abide by. You can start with basic, simple boundaries—like: “While I miss you and love you very much, I can’t see you in person because it’s not safe for me, my family, or you”—and then build off of that: “I’m not going to be able to talk to you very much on X day because I have other commitments, but let’s plan a time on Y day just for us.”

As for ways to spend quality time together? If you’re willing to put in the work and it feels worth it to you, get creative! In long-distance relationships, I’d often play or stream games with my partner while Skyping with them or voice chatting on Discord. Spotify on Desktop will let you know what kind of music someone is listening to in real-time. Take advantage of these little feats of technology to show your partner you’re thinking about them! Or even go old-school: write them a letter, throw some flower petals and cute doodles in there, and keep it up every week. Eventually ya’ll will have piles of cute love letters to look back on when the pandemic is over.

Q8:

I have a new girlfriend and we are have tons of new-girlfriend-sex and it is really hot! Sometimes she struggles to reach orgasm, both with me and by herself. Her sex drive is totally there, she just can’t always finish. I don’t struggle with this in the same way, I don’t want her to feel like she HAS to come every time and I definitely don’t want to accidentally put more pressure on her while she’s trapped on that edge. What can I do to help her feel supported and seen in this situation?

A:

Riese: I think you’re on the right track in that you’re aware that putting more pressure on her might make things worse, because… it will! I think it’s great that you’re reaching out for help instead. <3

Firstly, sex doesn’t need orgasms to be great! Your girlfriend has, I imagine, been like this her whole life, but it hasn’t impacted her sex drive or her desire for you or her interest in having tons of new-girlfriend-sex. That means she goes into every single sexual encounter without any expectation of orgasming, yet is still 100% gung-ho to do it! So you’re meeting her expectations! So, does it matter, really, that she can’t always orgasm? (I think another good thing to do is divorce the idea of “coming” from the idea of “finishing”!) What is it about her not coming that troubles you, or her?

I’m not sure from your question if she’s also upset about not being able to orgasm every time either. If she is, I’d suggest:
1. Watching her masturbate / masturbating together
2. Intentionally have sex sometimes for the specific purpose of exploring different things that might get her to come — ranging from specific sexual moves, types of penetration or touch, to certain types of dirty talk, lighting, environment, sex toys, etc — as an adventure you’re going on together. Do this without the expectation of success, but just an experiment that also is fun.! Maybe you’ll discover a new thing you like, and it will probably be hot anyway. This will also help take the pressure off every single time you have sex to be The Time She Comes.

Rachel: Riese’s advice is great! I would reiterate her question about “what is it about her not coming that troubles you, or her?” I’m not clear from your question whether this bothers your girlfriend at all or whether you’re just sort of vaguely worried about it potentially bothering her in the future, or that it might be bothering her and she’s not telling you? I guess in short I’m not sure that she isn’t already supported and seen in this situation! I would agree with exploring different things and making time and effort to really engage with parts of sex that aren’t orgasm- (or even genital-)focused, and communicating via that that you aren’t treating orgasms as the “point” of sex. You can also be mindful of how you’re reacting to her coming or not coming — for instance, are you getting visibly excited and pleased when it seems like she might be close, and then sagging your shoulders or pulling away from her if she doesn’t? Sometimes we do things like that without noticing! You can also be mindful of really emphasizing, complimenting and explicitly communicating your pleasure in parts of sex that aren’t orgasm-focused; tell her about all the hot things she did during sex that you can’t stop thinking about (or hot reactions she had) that weren’t orgasms, and you can help decenter that part of sex as “the point” a bit.

Q9:

So… I’m a trans lesbian who is married to a straight cis woman (we were married before I came out). We’re staying together because we’re so perfect for each other in every other way, but our sex life is totally non-existent. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt of upending our relationship, nor with the fact that we live together and still hug and cuddle and stuff, which makes it that much harder to deal with the fact that I’m still attracted to her but will never get to do anything physical with her again. Help!

A:

Abeni: Hi, the big question I have here is: why is your sex life totally non-existent? Does that have anything to do with your transition? Why won’t you ever get to do anything physical with her again? What happened? It does NOT follow logically that either of you would suddenly stop wanting to have sex with the other once you came out. It seems like this letter assumes that I would understand why y’all can’t have sex anymore, but … I just don’t.

Does one of you no longer want to have sex anymore because you transitioned? I really don’t get it. Did you have bottom surgery recently or something? Even if that was the case … don’t you have hands and a mouth? Do you not want to have PIV sex anymore because of gender feelings? That would make sense, but that’s just one kind of sex. If that was the only kind of sex you were having before, then … you might need to learn how to do more sex things.

I’m a trans lesbian in a relationship with a cis woman, and we can do all kinds of sex stuff. All kinds! Even after I get bottom surgery, there will still be all kinds of sex stuff we can do together. I’m really not sure what’s going on with y’all, and you don’t give enough information.

If, for some reason I can’t figure out, y’all genuinely can never have any kind of sex again, then you have to decide if you’re really “perfect for each other.” If either of you needs to be in a relationship that includes sex in order to be happy, and this relationship does not or cannot include sex, then you need to break up.

Your other question about guilt is a much bigger question, that you’ll have to process in therapy and with introspection. You’re not guilty of anything. If you transitioning means your wife can no longer love you, that’s a decision she’s making, and it’s not your fault. It’s also not necessarily her fault – she might be one of those genuinely 100% straight people I keep hearing about – but if it’s true it might not be personal. Surely she doesn’t want you to be unhappy with an inauthentic identity for the rest of your life just so she can be pseudo-happy living a lie with you together? And surely you don’t want her to stick in the relationship because she committed to it even though she can no longer love you. Relationships end for lots of reasons, and this is one of them. You can still love each other on a certain level and decide that the relationship isn’t working anymore, and that’s not a tragedy – it’s just the way things move. Good luck.

Drew: Like Abeni, I have some follow up questions, mainly whether you’ve discussed your lack of a sex life and whether you’re not having sex because she doesn’t want to have sex with you because you’re trans and/or a woman or because that aspect of your relationship has just faded away.

But ultimately regardless of the reason, if you no longer want to be in this relationship, you do not need to feel guilty regardless of her role during your transition. I broke up with my partner who I transitioned with and we were still having sex! I didn’t have any reason beyond the million reasons that society at large would say weren’t enough for a trans woman to choose the horrors of singledom. That’s bullshit. It frames transness as a burden, transitioning as a burden. It’s not. You’re not. I think it’s possible to be grateful to your wife for being supportive of you while still knowing when it’s time to move on. I’m not saying it will be easy, but I think for you to transition only to not live truthfully in this other area of your life would be a real mistake.

Also your wife is not straight. She might think she’s straight. But she loved you and had sex with you all these years and — no matter how she perceived you — the person she fell in love with and had sex with was a woman. I do think transitioning can change us, but it doesn’t change us that much, and if she’s too attached to the identity of cishet woman to be the partner you deserve then you don’t need to feel guilty about acting on that truth.

Renea: I would search for a relationship therapist who has a background with LGBT people, because this is a discussion that needs to be had with someone trained in facilitating tough discussions between couples. However, you could start this by sitting down with your wife and asking her if your womanhood is blocking your sexual relationship. I would also ask her if she loves you as the woman you are. It’s important that she’s honest with herself and you—but also recognize that isn’t entirely your responsibility. If she’s personally experiencing confusion and uncertainty that is affecting intimacy between the two of you, then she might need to work through that on her own.

If both of you are interested in searching for and exploring a newfound intimacy as a lesbian couple, then I think there’s a lot of potential for relationship therapy. However, if both of you are not equally and genuinely invested in this, I would reevaluate. No amount of relationship therapy can force a relationship between a straight woman and a lesbian to work. Like Drew said, if she’s too invested in her identity as a straight woman, then it may be better in the long-term for the two of you to separate. In that case, it’s up to the both of you to set the boundaries of your new relationship as friends, exes, or a separated married couple.

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