Welcome to the 16^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

I grew up evangelical Christian and my parents are still fairly devout and conservative. We’ve been through some very rocky moments in our relationship, particularly when I told them I was no longer Christian, when I came out as bisexual, and when I told them I was practicing polyamory. Not surprisingly, their reactions have ranged from sadness and anger to evangelizing and denial. Thanks to multiple years of therapy and a lot of long overdue boundary setting and management of expectations, I’m now in my late twenties and have a fairly healthy, if sometimes emotionally distant relationship with my parents. In the last few years, we’ve increasingly been able to discuss complex topics with mutual respect, not try to constantly change each other, and generally just relax and enjoy each other’s company more and more. Our relationships are the best they’ve been since I was a practicing Christian and I feel really grateful for our evolution.

Thank you for whatever guidance, perspective, reassurance you have to offer! Thank you for creating such a meaningful and safe space for me to show up authentically. I’m very grateful.

A:

Jehan: I don’t think you should say anything to your parents right now. From what you describe, in addition to the recent change to your relationship status, your parents don’t sound particularly open to knowing you in the ways you wish to be known. I know that is an incredibly difficult and painful truth, but if they have consistently avoided conversations about your queerness AFTER years of working to rebuild your relationship from your initial coming out, it seems far more likely that their reaction will be disappointing and hurtful. As someone who was raised in a devout Christian family, one of the hardest things about fully disentangling yourself from its teachings is the need for validation/approval/blessings from a higher power. From the way you’ve framed it here, I think you’re very much looking to your parents for approval, and I just worry that you may only be preparing yourself for a very specific reaction from them. What happens if they start denying your identity or your relationship? If they start evangelizing again?

Another thing that struck me about your letter are the ways that you speak about the repair you and your parents had to do to reach this point in your relationship. It seems wildly unfair that any repair in your relationship might be framed as work that needed to be done on both sides, and that you all had to understand you can’t change each other. That is classic religious language to excuse biphobia under the guise of an inherent personality trait rather than a chosen belief that can be unchosen. Because you also say you’re very worried about rocking the boat, I wonder if it’s less a healthy consensus that’s been reached and more a resignation on your part to talk about the topics you know won’t spark a reaction. If you were happy limiting your conversation to emotionally distant topics, that’d be fine; but you’re clearly not. I think on a certain level you realize that this repair, like their acceptance of who you are, is most likely conditional. Beyond telling them about this new relationship, I think it’s maybe more important to address the uneven foundation of this consensus before introducing more people into the dynamic. But at the very least, if you do decide to tell your parents about your relationship, enlist your girlfriend to help you rehearse different scenarios in which your parents have the worst and the best possible reactions so you can prepare yourself as much as possible for whatever they may say/do.

Q2:

I have a great roommate. We’re not friends, but she’s a good roommate. We’ve only been roommates for a few months. We found each other on a facebook group for people looking for roommates. We don’t talk much. Mostly about apartment stuff. Today, I heard her coughing hard in her bathroom. I got a bit worried, but I hadn’t heard her coughing in her room. I’ve heard her cough really hard in the bathroom before. I never thought much of it, but if she is having covid symptoms, I want her to tell me. I didn’t want to say anything, though, because I don’t want to pry and I worried it was eating disorder related. I’ve also heard her crying and gagging when the shower was running. Since we’re not close, I won’t say anything. (We also only share the kitchen and never share chairs/furniture and don’t touch each other.) So, I’m not super concerned about getting covid from her. But I just want her to be okay.

A:

Jehan: This is super tough. I honestly think it seems more like an eating disorder, based on the gagging sounds you’ve heard. People who are in the throes of disordered eating are notoriously averse to anything that smells of an intervention or prying, but I think a less direct way of starting the conversation might be to frame it under a Covid check. I think you can broach the topic by mentioning that you want to establish some guidelines for how to socially distance in the apartment, and then ask her if she’s been tested. You can then bring up that you’ve heard her coughing before and that you want to make sure that she knows she can talk to you if she feels like she has any symptoms. I do think you should say something to her about your suspicions re: the eating disorder though. Once you’ve addressed the coughing in terms of COVID, tell her about your concerns in as neutral/nonjudgmental terms as possible. Let her know that you’re concerned and coming from a place of care, and that you just want to be sure she’s taking care of herself. To whatever extent that you’re comfortable, let her know you’re there for her. You have an opportunity to address the warning signs as they occur, so please don’t let your discomfort keep you from extending a helping hand to your roommate.

Malic: It’s 100% within your rights as a roommate to express your concerns about COVID-19 exposure. If you and your roommate haven’t discussed COVID-19 safety at all (where you’re going, who you’re seeing, what precautions you’re taking, what to do if one of you has symptoms, etc.), then it’s absolutely time to do that. If you’re really concerned about the coughing (and if testing is free/ low-cost and readily available in your city), ask her to get tested and get tested yourself.

But I agree with Jehan — the behavior you’re describing sounds more like an eating disorder to me. Since you don’t know her very well, asking her about this directly might not go well. I used to have an eating disorder. During that time, any form of confrontation at the time sent me spiraling into a place of deep denial (and sometimes led to more eating disorder behaviors). If you know any of her friends, ask them if they have any of the same concerns. She might be more willing to open up to people she already trusts. That said, I think it’s really important to let her know that you’re there for her generally if she’s struggling with something. It’s a fucking weird time. We’re all going through a lot. Even though you’re not friends, you share a home, and that home should be a safe space for both of you.

Q3:

I’ve been in a bunch of short term relationships and situationships since coming out, and I’m currently in a situationship which is killing me a little bit because even though we have big feelings for each other she’s moving and I don’t think she wants to do the work to take things to the next level.

If you reply, thanks in advance xo

A:

Himani: I read this question, and in many ways I feel like I could’ve asked it myself. I have learned — the hard way — that denying my feelings never works. Never. Like literally never. Not once. As much as I may hate those feelings and want them to go away, it becomes this twisted cycle where the more I want to be rid of the feelings the stronger they become. And if I try to bury them, they find some other outlet in my life (usually being incredibly cranky and irritable).

One of the most powerful things for me was reading about ambiguous grief. The Atlantic’s advice columnist Lori Gottieb has written about this in a peripherally related situation to yours. Personally, I found her reply to be incredibly helpful and something I try to hold. The relevant piece here is that you are experiencing a real but socially unrecognized loss because a major thing you want in your life has been eluding you. I can’t say whether you will ever find a person to share your life with. I think it’s completely reasonable to have periods where you need to take a break from searching for that person. In those moments, it may help to acknowledge the sadness that decision and the situation as a whole elicits.

I struggle with accepting this in my own life, but the truth is we are capable of holding multitudes of feelings. You can both love your life and be incredibly sad about the fact that it’s missing the one thing you really, really want. It might also help to open up to a few close friends about this complex mix of feelings you’re experiencing to help you feel a little less isolated.

All this to say, the situation you’re in sucks, and I completely commiserate with you.

Rene: First of all, please take a moment to pat yourself on the back for appreciating single life and allowing yourself to be a person independently of your partner and your romantic life! I can tell you that a huge number of lesbian and bisexual women have struggled to develop the self-awareness and wisdom to even be where you’re at right now (myself included)!

For a lot of us, it’s relationship after relationship with no time to enjoy single life. A lot of times, this cycle is fueled by a fear of loneliness and a genuine desire for that ideal romance that we can’t help but fantasize about. If there’s anything I’ve regret in my years of serial monogamy is that I didn’t trust my intuition enough.

Don’t get me wrong: I would never advocate for people to totally ignore their heart. If you find yourself swooning over somebody, don’t shut your feelings down because you think you have to be single to avoid heartbreak! For me, dating and relationships have been the most enjoyable when they form organically.

Rather than making decisions about dating based on reactionary feelings of fear, try to focus on mindfulness. Understand and accept that pain and feelings of loss are a natural part of relationships, and it comes with the euphoria and comfort of love and companionship. Remind yourself that you’re strong enough to battle heartbreak, and you deserve love and happiness no matter what. If being single starts to feel like you’re denying yourself, take a moment to reassess. But if you genuinely feel like you’re benefiting from single life, take a moment to question your potential attractions and crushes: are you experiencing a genuine, significant connection that you want to pursue? Or are you starved for love and companionship? Are you pursuing an ideal fantasy of romance that isn’t attainable?

Remember that the only way to find the “right person” is to try (and sometimes it takes a lot of trying!) But you’re not gonna be on top of your game if you’re scared of hurt. There’s no shame in taking a step back from the dating scene, even if it takes a little bit of self-discipline.

Drew: Himani and Rene said so much good stuff, but something I want to add is that it’s okay if this is important to you in a way it isn’t for some of your friends. Not everyone has the same relationship to relationships and to being single. If having a romantic partner is important to you then of course you’re going to feel this frustration and lack. I do think it’s good to work on being okay being single, but I also think it’s good to acknowledge who you are and what your desires are. I’m the same way. I’m single a lot, but there is very little time where I’m not thinking about love and romance to some extent.

The other thing I’ll say is you will find a partner. You will. I don’t know when, but you will. One day something will seem like just another situationship but then nope it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. You could meet that person tomorrow or you could meet that person next year, but it is going to happen. It’s wild because when it does all of a sudden we forget about all the days where it felt like it would never happen. All of a sudden we’re just in love.

Q4:

i accidentally (via routine google stalking…we all do it right?? right…?) found out my ex is getting married next month. when i experienced this news i felt true joy and happiness for her and her fiancee and my immediate impulse was somehow to share those feelings with her! however we haven’t had contact in five years (the breakup itself was two years prior) and during that contact i was less than my best self, still angry at her, and generally just not a winning candidate for “ex you are on good terms with.” this was a significant long term relationship when we were both really young, it is very good thing it ended, and i’m genuinely happy that we are both in a better situation these days. but i know i hurt her by being a shitty reactionary 23-year old in the aftermath of getting broken up with and i don’t want to resurface bad vibes by appearing out of nowhere in the middle of planning a wedding/elopement during a pandemic. i’m leaning towards maybe reaching out afterward just to say congrats hope you’re well etc. OR…am i too creepy, should i just wait for the urge to pass and just be one with my happiness for someone who was once an important part of my life? thank you autostraddle, you’ve been with me through it all…

A:

Rachel: I think it’s so good and admirable of you that you’re thinking through the most healthy way to handle this for both you and her! And also congrats on feeling genuine joy and happiness for her; you are a bigger person than me! I think your desire to extend genuine well wishes makes total sense, and also all the reasons you list here it’s reasonable to think reaching out might not be the move. I think my big question for you, since you know both yourself and your ex better than I do, is where does the urge to reach out come from here? Is it because you think it’s possible it will make her feel good to hear, based on knowing her and your dynamic? Or because it will make you feel good to deliver this message, in one way or another? If you have real reason to think it’s the former, I think, you know, maybe wait a bit and then if it still seems like a good idea, go for it! If it’s the latter, then I think you know it’s better to keep your happiness to yourself. In general I’m team Not Reaching Out, as I think we tend to have more ulterior motives for doing so than we admit to ourselves, but also in the past I’ve definitely at times thought I was the bad guy in someone’s story and that they never wanted to hear from me again and been super wrong. I think be honest with yourself about your motives and what you want out of this, and also remember that you’re right, you can totally express these feelings at any time, including after the wedding when the dust has probably settled for her a bit!

Vanessa:: Like Rachel, I am very excited and happy for you that you felt genuine feelings of joy and happiness for you ex. I also think you should 100% not reach out. You haven’t spoken in years, you didn’t end on the best of terms, and she’s currently planning a wedding. I think the fact that you found out via google stalking and not even through a mutual friend indicates that you really truly are not in each other’s lives anymore, and that’s okay. But that means, in my opinion, reaching out – especially before a huge event like a pandemic wedding – would be more selfish than anything else. Wish her well in your heart and rest easy knowing that positive energy will absolutely flow back to you in some other way in the future… one that has nothing to do with this ex.

Q5:

Is there such thing as being like.. mostly-cis but not 100%? I don’t have dysphoria about my parts. It doesn’t bother me when people use “she” or feminine terms to refer to me, but I kind of don’t know how to be sure that that isn’t just because that’s what I’ve been socially conditioned to think of as normal? Like, being called by my name also doesn’t bother me, but it was still something assigned to me at birth that I wouldn’t necessarily have given myself, and I identify with it just because I’m used to it. So could the same be true of my gender? How do I separate any inherent understanding of myself from a lifetime of socialization, especially when I know it took me decades to even consciously realize I was queer?

It doesn’t seem right to claim an alternate identity that might only barely apply to me, when I have suffered no loss of privilege over it, but I just want to be able to understand my own feelings about this better. Probably I just need to stop overthinking it.

A:

Archie: I, personally, do believe you can claim an alternative identity here, if you wanted to. The fact you’re questioning and chewing over these questions in your head might mean you’re not, in fact, totally cisgender. Using terms and/or identifing with being nonbinary/trans/agender/not-cis/etc etc does NOT take away resources or space from others. I’ve said this before but gender? Not in limited supply! Dysphoria is not a prerequisite. Losing privilege isn’t a prerequisite either. That being said, there are totally ways those with privilege can take space from others, but you seem like a really conscious person and I don’t think that’s a concern in this instance. My recommendation is to stop overthinking and lean into playing and experimenting with different words/names/labels. It’s totally a thing of being “mostly-cis but not 100%” but also who knows where you’ll go if you allow yourself. You don’t have to have the full answer right away. This might be something that you’ll never be able to fully understand, but I think it is worth the work to allow yourself space to see if anything sparks joy.

Renea: I don’t think it’s ever wrong to sit with yourself and tap into a genuine feeling, even if it’s confusing or difficult to understand. Like Archie said, the fact that you’re spending a lot of your time and energy ruminating over these questions means this is significant! The last thing you want to do here is shove it down, ignore it, or make assumptions about what these feelings must mean. For example, feeling a lack of euphoria or dysphoria about your name doesn’t necessarily prove anything about your “cis-ness.” But the fact that this is on your mind and that you admitted that you would not have picked that name for yourself means something. It may be helpful to simply tap into that feeling and be as honest with yourself as possible.

Growing up and coming into my own as a lesbian, I’ve been lucky enough to be in communities and chosen families where gender nonconformity, gender transgression, and non-cis experiences are very common and openly discussed. If you find yourself lacking the vocabulary to describe your experiences, surrounding yourself with people of diverse gender experiences is immensely helpful.

For example, it wasn’t until I met diverse groups of LGBT folks that I learned that many lesbians identify as nonbinary, and many lesbians consider their sexuality and their gender identity intertwined.There are also folks who identify as nonbinary. Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg is an amazing read for this.

Ask yourself: does this particular choice make me happy? The idea of assigning a broad label to yourself that may come with a lot of assumptions (and societal repercussions)—labels like trans or nonbinary—can be intimidating at first. This journey is yours and you can take it at your own pace! It’s often much easier to simply tackle the small choices and see how you feel.

You may have been socialized to present yourself as feminine, for example, but does it make you happy? If you’re unsure, it takes a small leap of faith to change things like your hair, clothes, and small aspects of your gender presentation.

Q6:

Hi all,

Any advice on how to handle this? Thank you.

A:

Carolyn: Asking for “emotional support” is vague at best and clearly not working; instead, try asking for something specific. What does emotional support look like to you? Catching up over the phone? Getting random “thinking of you” texts without necessarily inviting a conversation? Having full-on text conversations? Eating dinner or watching a show or co-working or whatever you like to do when you hang out together over the internet? Think of what specifically you actually want from these interactions and ask for it.

There’s also a flip side here, which is what else you do when you share that you’ve had a hard day. Do you expect to talk all about your hard day and then stop talking once you feel better, or are you also asking how friends are regularly, under circumstances when you don’t want to receive something from them? Friendships involve reciprocity, and energy has to flow in all directions.

Rachel: I could not agree with Carolyn more! It’s so great that you’re starting to do the work of sharing more with people, as that’s so hard to do and so crucial to receive the support you need. I agree with Carolyn that it would be good to clarify for yourself what emotional support would look like, and to notice when things don’t help and notice when they do. It can feel weird to make like, direct requests of your friends (“I had a bad day, can anyone call me tonight to chat?”), and that’s ok, it’s not for everyone – but you can practice ways that feel natural to you and your friendships to talk with them about what feels good to you. “Thanks for asking me about what was going on with my mom and really listening the other day; it really helped, I appreciate it.” “Thanks for saying that — I think what I honestly need right now is some company, obvs understand if you guys are busy but if anyone wants to watch a movie or hang out in my backyard, let me know.” I would also really think about the ways in which you show up for your friends — not because I suspect you of being a bad friend who hasn’t earned support or because I think you need to earn it, but because I know I often look at peoples’ behavior as an indicate of what they think is normal or what they want. If a friend really focuses on getting me perfect gifts or offers to buy me dinner when I’m struggling, I’ll often assume that that’s something that makes them feel loved or comforted, too. If you want to model what you wish your friends were doing with them, even if it’s asking “I can do X or Y or Z; what would help most?”, that can be really helpful!

Q7:

Dear Autostraddle,

Sincerely,
Thank You, [Blank]

A:

Carolyn: With the right attitude, a name can totally be a title. Otherwise: boss, lady, captain, and doctor (possibly still too tied to scenario play?) are coming to mind.

Malic: I agree with Carolyn! Your girlfriend’s name can absolutely be her title, especially if she makes you say it (“Thank you.” “Thank you, what?” “Thank you, [NAME].”). Otherwise, “dom/domme” works nicely. EDIT: I also love Vanessa’s idea!!

Vanessa: Okay first of all just want to commend Carolyn on really coming through here, and want to co-sign “boss” as very hot. Second of all – and this may just have way too much bottom energy for the question you’re actually asking, but bear with me – I want to put in a vote that if you’re specifically looking for something to beg repeatedly, you might solve the problem by positioning the begging around your own title rather than hers, as in “fuck your slut, please fuck your slut, I love being your slut, please, please” etc. or whatever title works for you in that scenario.

Q8:

My divorce (from another woman) finalized two years ago, and my ex and I haven’t had contact at all in most of that time. I think of her often and miss her terribly; our relationship was intense and full of love and new experiences and adventures, but also codependent, and we both were young enough to still be emotionally immature, bad fighters, etc. Since our split, she seems to be doing a lot better in sobriety, therapy, etc. (all of which is wonderful), and I’m doing fine with my job, friends, new girlfriend, etc. But I miss her and the life we had together terribly. I keep recycling old scenarios in my head, thinking about how things would be different if I had known better and done this instead of that, had said something else, or so on. I’m in therapy, but our sessions tend to focus on my life today. I’m not sure if I need a new therapist or what, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about the past. I wish she was in my life in some way; even though our marriage is over, she was the most important person in my life for years. She meant the world to me, and even in the divorce, I never stopped loving her. I guess i just wonder: Am I crazy? Can I reach out to try and initiate some sort of friendship? I don’t want to negatively impact her sobriety or make her feel uncomfortable. Through much of our separation, I felt really numb and shutdown emotionally, and lately I find myself feeling so incredibly sad about all of it. We don’t have kids or anything, so we have no obvious ties to stay in each other’s lives. I just can’t stop thinking about all of it. Any advice is so appreciated. Thank you!

A:

Carolyn: When I read this question, one thing that stands out to me is that you’re thinking a lot about the past, and not about the future.

Closure is a myth we tell ourselves in order to live. Even if you reach out, even if it goes the way you want it to, even if you both feel good slowly (very very slowly) building a friendship, you will never, ever get a sense of closure around the past – “how things would be different if” – from anywhere besides within. It’s easy to go over different scenarios, think about how you’d act differently now, how if you’d only known, whatever. It’s much harder to recognize that you can’t relive or control any of that, and that all you can do is turn towards the future – and then to do it.

I don’t know whether or not your future has your ex-wife in it. I do know that no one in a successful marriage has ever gotten divorced (poly people divorcing one partner and marrying another while you all live together for the health insurance or whatever notwithstanding). There might be a world where you can be friends, but if that world exists, it will only be possible when you stop turning the past over in your head and start living the life you have right now.

Rachel: A hard thing I learned when I got divorced (and what makes divorces so much harder than breakups in a way that’s difficult to explain to someone who’s never had one) is that a marriage isn’t ~just~ a relationship to another person; it signifies your commitment to not just them, but to a life and a future, a home, and a version of yourself that at one point you wanted to have forever. Even if you know you need to move on from the person themselves, that doesn’t mean you always feel as enthusiastic about letting go of all those other things, and we are often unprepared to grieve them or feel that loss. I can’t be sure this is what’s happening for you; you talk about feeling very sad and being unable to move on from thinking about the past; I’m not sure whether it’s about missing your ex per se or if missing your ex is a simpler way of missing the more complex cocktail of things you’re also feeling the absence of. Although it is very boring advice you probably don’t want to hear, this might be a situation in which one needs to sit with one’s feelings! I suspect that if you let yourself sit quietly and without a self-imposed goal in those feelings of numbness, eventually a clearer kind of sadness will come through, and even if it hurts it will bring clarity. Also, when you say “we mostly talk about my current life in therapy” – why? What you talk about in therapy is totally up to you, and it sounds like this is really weighing on you; working through past grief or confusion about a past partner is a great thing to work on in therapy!

Q9:

Heya ladies! Trainwreck lesbian here with another question. When the f*ck do I know it’s love? I started sleeping with this girl the week I broke up with my ex, and then two weeks ago we switched to casual dating and then we had a *serious talk* because we realized we both have feelings for each other. Here’s the dealio. She’s moving across the country (we are in a very small island nation, so it’s not *that* far,) for her job and she is also not sure what she wants right now. I am getting so many red flags about this thing, she’s insecure, doesn’t know what she wants, and her anxiety is in the passenger seat of the car rather than the trunk. But also !!! Feelings. I am the one with the ex who had no feelings, and I have pretty big feelings for this human who has pretty big feelings back. With my life experience I’m hella confident that I can make a life anywhere, but I’m less confident in finding someone to share it with. I desperately want to keep dating her and wait and see what happens, but I’m also scared of needlessly getting my heart broken. I also have The big feelings, and sometimes the L word pops into my head and that scares me. Is there a prescribed amount of time for love? Is waiting this out a fool’s errand? I’m also dating another human who is a better match in all the ways, but without deep feelings like the other girl. I know I’m a trashfire who abuses your ask box, but help?

A:

Carolyn: Don’t move across the country for someone who doesn’t know what they want!!! If it’s real it will keep. If it’s not real you didn’t upend your life for something that wasn’t real.

Jehan: What Carolyn said!! Do not pandemic move for someone who is iffy!

In terms of your questions about a “prescribed amount of time for love,” I don’t think there is at all! However, when people caution that waiting is best, I think it’s less about the depth of people’s feelings and more about the consistency of people’s actions. At the risk of sounding like a platitude, I truly believe that love is much more of a verb, meaning it’s an action and it’s a choice. And there’s no way to see the consistency (i.e. depth) of someone’s choices and actions without a good amount of observation (i.e. time). So far, her actions are only showing uncertainty, at least from what you’ve told us here. I agree with Carolyn that it’ll keep if it’s real, but you’ve already put yourself out there, so if anything, it’s on her to show you that she’s in it for real.

Q10:

My gf’s uncle just built a pool. We’re podding with them, and her father and brother go over frequently. Here’s the problem; I don’t always want to spend all of Sunday at the pool. She does, but I’m happy at home. We can’t really go separately because usually this ends in dinner at her dad’s which I enjoy. She says she wants to get out of the house because we’re both working from home. How do I negotiate this?

A:

Carolyn: “I don’t want to spend all Sunday at the pool, but I’d love to join you for dinner at your dad’s in the evening.”

Q11:

I was in a very serious, like picking out engagement rings and arranging emigration details serious, long distance relationship which was really fulfilling and the best experience of a relationship I’ve ever had…until she dumped me. She came to stay with me (not for the first time, that’s important!) during quarantine because it’s a lot safer where I live, but when she got home she pretty much ghosted me for a week and then eventually broke up with me over a text because she ‘couldn’t do a relationship anymore’. It really messed me up, mostly because it was one of those situations where the person who broke up with me behaved entirely differently to the person I was in love with and in a relationship with, yknow? Anyway months have passed, I’ve been reflecting on myself and trying to move on (and failing), and so OF COURSE she text me out of the blue this week to let me know she’s in therapy and she feels terrible for what happened with us. She essentially wrote me a really long message that was exactly what I would have written if I was asked ‘what does she have to say to you if she wants your forgiveness for this’, which- great! I don’t want to judge her based on her behaviour at the worst moment of her life, and based on her messages that’s what’s happened here. She’s arranged a call with me to give me space to express all my feelings and ask all my questions, and she’s going to explain everything to me, so it should be great for me and getting healthy closure right? Only the thing is, I’m really torn up on whether or not I would want to get back together with her at some point after this conversation (if it goes well). She’s said she has no expectations and has said many times she feels grateful that I’m even giving her the space to apologise since it’s more than she has any right to expect, and she’s not directly asked me that question, so this could be a storm in a teacup, but talking to her feels way more natural than not talking to her, and the tone of her messages makes me think that if I was to want to get back together, she’d be open to it. Am I stupid for even considering this?

A:

Rachel: Before anything else, no, of course you aren’t stupid for even considering it! It’s so normal and natural to want to remain connected with someone we love deeply, and to, you know, be open to forgiving someone when they apologize sincerely for harm, especially when they say “exactly what I would have written if I was asked ‘what does she have to say to you if she wants your forgiveness for this.” Of course when someone hurts us we want them to say ‘I really regret doing that and won’t do it again’ rather than turning out to have had a total personality transplant overnight. I don’t believe this idea that unless we adhere to punishing levels of cynicism, we somehow deserve any emotional pain we experience! Anyhow, I feel like you’re feeling really confused and lost about what’s going on and if you can trust your own desires or your girlfriend right now, and are worried that if you do the ‘wrong’ thing you’ll get hurt again and it will be your own fault for believing her. This is so relatable! One of the most devastating things about this kind of sudden 180 betrayal is that it makes it hard to not only trust the other person, but yourself.

I am getting the feeling that YOU feel like there’s an obvious answer about how you’re supposed to deal with this call, and are thinking maybe you’re supposed to just shut her down and shut her out, and want someone to just tell you that if so so you can know. I’m not the person for that, unfortunately — I don’t think it’s necessarily obvious whether your girlfriend is unreliable and someone you’re better off without or if she’s suffering some difficult stuff during this pandemic and freaked out and genuinely doesn’t want to ever do that to you again — or most likely, both. I don’t think you need to go into this call with a mission or a plan about what you’ll say or decide; I think you should genuinely, openly listen, and commit to not making any commitment right now. I will suggest you think about rather than, as you say, what she would need to say to make you forgive her, what she would need to do to make you able to trust her again. What, if anything, would repair your sense of security and safety in this relationship and make you genuinely able to forgive her and move on if you wanted to? Here are two pieces of writing on moving through breaches of trust and repairing a relationship I like a lot: Christina Tesoro’s “is it possible to repair a relationship” and DaemonumX’s “lesbian relationship necromancy”

Q12:

Help, I’m almost 30 and I’m worried I’ll never be in a relationship again. My first/last one was at age 19. I spent a decade battling depression, my pining over that first/last relationship, health problems, life changes, graduating college etc. I was on okc/tinder/HER etc the whole time and nothing really worked out. I feel like I should have met someone by now. I’m worried that because I’m 30 in a small town of too young college students, too old couples, and unicorn hunters, that I’ll never meet anyone. My city doesn’t have a gay bar, and our only pride events are the annual pride. We’re too small to have much of anything as far as interest groups go. I’m not sure what to even do. The “big city” is 3.5hrs away. And LDRs haven’t really worked out so far. I’m also in the bible belt which doesn’t help because I’m a heavily tattooed Dyke with a capital D and I don’t fit in here. I put off dating a year ago because I was living with my parents, but now that I’ve moved out I want to try again but I feel so lost. Like maybe I should just opt out until I can afford to leave and go somewhere with an actual gay scene?

A:

Himani: You start with “I’m almost 30.” I will say this to you because it is something I am constantly trying to remind myself: You have your whole life ahead of you. It may not feel like it. Believe me, I understand, the world is on fire both literally and figuratively and any queer anything I had gone to (pre-pandemic) seemed to be solely full of people fresh out of college or in committed relationships. It might feel like the moment has passed (it might look like that too), but the point is there is no timeframe by which you must find a relationship or else be relegated to a lifetime of solitude.

Also, I don’t think this has to be an either/or situation. You just moved out, so you could try dating for a bit when you feel you have some energy. If it gets frustrating or depressing, take a break. You don’t even need to put a time frame on that break, just delete the app and maybe one day you’ll feel like downloading it again. You could also wait until you can afford to go somewhere with a bigger queer scene if that’s what feels right to you. Any and all of the above are ok! I will also add, we are in the middle of a pandemic right now so dating may not be most advisable and also may be even more miserable than usual. That might be another reason to wait a bit for now and see where you’re at in six months (or whenever we can safely interact with other humans again…)

Malic: You say that you feel like you should have met someone “by now,” but guess what? You’re queer! You don’t have to abide by the hetero “marry by 30″ timeline. Like Himani said, you have plenty of dating life ahead of you. Trying to date in a small town sounds incredibly frustrating. Aside from the dating struggles, do you like your town? If you have strong connections keeping you there (work, family, friends) or generally prefer small town life, you don’t have give up on where you live. A 3.5 hour drive isn’t *that* much distance, so it might make sense to hit up the nearest city’s gay bar and try to meet someone (or at least find some sense of queer community). Who knows? You might meet someone there who lives a little closer to you and also goes to the city for the queer nightlife.

If you don’t feel tied to your current town, then it might be time to leave. It sounds like you’ve experienced a lot of challenges while living there (including a difficult breakup), and getting a fresh start in a new city’s queer community might help pull you out of a rut.

Q13:

I’m a college-aged “used to be a lesbian” but after almost a year of being attracted to lots of folks of various genders, I’m not sure how to label myself anymore. I was really looking forward to getting back to campus to see if anything resonates, but it certainly doesn’t seem like the fall will be a great time to be meeting new friends or more-than-friends. I thought I had sorted out my sexuality a long time ago. Any advice for this time of second coming out? I feel like I’m in middle school all over again.

A:

Malic: You definitely don’t have to label yourself if you haven’t found a word that fits. If you’re feeling pressure to find a label so you can advertise your newly expansive orientation, telling folks that you’re “open to dating all kinds of people” still gets the information across. It’s completely normal (and expected!) to still be exploring your sexual orientation in college, and that exploration will continue in some way for the rest of your life. Sometimes identity words hold too much expectation and pressure. It’s ok to let this be fun!

If all else fails, you can always do what I did in college: I was an avowed dyke when I started school, but at the end of my first year, I made out with a guy at a party in front of all of my friends (this move was 100% calculated, and the guy was aware of that and down). That certainly sent a clear message that I was exploring my orientation. A few years later, I figured out that dudes aren’t my thing, but I’m glad I let myself experiment!

Drew: My answer depends on whether your question is about finding a label that fits you or if you’re more wondering about the exploring with more people of different genders part. If it’s about labels then I think you can just try using different words — maybe first with a few select people — and see what feels right to you. I’m a pretty big believer that a lot of these words we use have historically held such varied meanings that it’s really about what feels right to you more than who exactly you’re dating. Personally, I use the word lesbian even though I definitely don’t only date women and myself identify as nonbinary as well as a woman. But that could change! And some people really disagree with that! That’s all okay. Again, the history of these words includes so many people and doesn’t abide by certain strict contemporary definitions. Try on a bunch of different words and feel what’s right!

If the issue is more about the actual exploring with different people that’s a bit different. I totally get your frustration with not being able to do that because of the pandemic. But you can still do it to some extent. However you’re dating right now — if you are dating — can include all these new people you’re realizing you’re drawn to. It’s obviously not as satisfying if you could be in person, but you can also take comfort in how low stakes exploration is right now. You can chat with people and see how it feels with the knowledge that anything in person would require a lot of time and coordination. In some ways, it’s a great time to explore ourselves and our identities.

Q14:

Hello,

Thanks for the advice!

A:

Jehan: In some ways it’s hard to answer this because there aren’t many specific here, but overall I’d say that it never hurts to look. One thing the pandemic has brought to the surface, for me at least, is a *real* sense of clarity about the shit I don’t want to do or put up with, especially at work. So I say look because you’re already employed and thus in the best position to do so. But looking and leaving are two different things and if your field is one that’s seeing massive downsizing right now, then I definitely would never recommend leaving a sure thing in our current reality. You can continue to look and get all of your ducks in a row for when it’s a better time to make a move. I know nothing is certain now, but even just shifting your perspective to “countdown/I’m on my way out mode” can make the intolerable much more bearable.

You didn’t include specifics, so I can’t really offer an opinion on the nature of the communication issues at your job. But if you haven’t already, I think it’s worth a shot to talk to your colleagues, bosses included, and try to find a workaround. When it comes to peers, that’s a manageable-enough conversation; with bosses, I’ve found it’s easiest to frame a suggestion on their performance as you asking for help so you can better do your job. When you frame your request as being in service of the work, it’s usually a much easier conversation that keeps the awkwardness to a minimum. Good luck!

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