Welcome to the 15^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

Three weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend after discovering she has no feelings for me. Big yikes. I’m currently on the emotional rollercoaster that follows all breakups and I want off. Shouldn’t it be over by now? I’m also having a hard time believing there’s anyone else out there for me. I am currently in hard out rebound mode, seeing two people casually plus others, but I just want it all to stop. I’ve read all related articles I can find, but I feel like I’m missing a piece. Help?

A:

Abeni: Don’t should on yourself. It’s normal to not be over it by now. Three weeks is short even though there’s no standard timeline for these things! If you feel like you need to rebound, then great! If you don’t feel like rebounding is serving your healthy development or process or whatever, then don’t do it. I personally feel like a breakup is a perfect time to do some deep introspection, take some time for yourself, re-commit to building deep, intimate friendships, etc. But others find they learn the most about themselves through the context of a new relationship. Whatever works for you is fine.

Also, and you may not want to hear this, it is possible that there’s no one else out there for you – at least in the way you’re thinking about it. It’s very unlikely, but I find it very transformative to sit with that feeling – what if there was no one out there for you? What if you are the only person you can count on to actually be there for you throughout your entire life? Are you counting on someone else coming into your life to fill some kind of void that you might be better off figuring out how to fill yourself or through friendships or therapy or some other means other than romance? Why do you want a partner so bad? It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but really figure out why you’re so intent on having a romantic connection (especially right now. There’s a pandemic on, sweetheart – it’s not the time for romance, especially casually. Be safe out there).

Malic: Three weeks isn’t enough time to “get over” a breakup, especially in the context of a pandemic. We’re all deep in our feelings right now. It’s ok (and expected!) to still be processing this experience.

If casually dating new people isn’t good for you emotionally, then take a break from dating altogether (and if you’re dating these folks IRL, it’s not worth the physical risk to your health and theirs). Sometimes we need some time alone to reframe who we are outside the context of a previous relationship. Plus, when you start prioritizing your relationship with yourself over romantic relationships with others, you might find that having a partner doesn’t hold the same place of importance in your life.

I used to worry that there would be “no one else out there” for me post-breakup. As I’ve gotten to know myself better over time, each new relationship I’ve entered has been more “right” than the last. My previous relationships have helped me clarify my own needs and boundaries, so it’s getting easier to identify potential partners. Consider your previous relationship a learning opportunity. Now you’re in a better position to find love with someone who meets your needs.

Kayla: Like everyone has said, three weeks is a very short amount of time. I am constantly pushing back against the ideas of “closure” and “getting over it” in the wake of a breakup. It takes time; it takes distance; it takes emotional work. None of it happens quickly or easily, and I know that’s hard to hear, but I think it can also be freeing. If you accept that it’s okay to still be upset and still be processing things, then you’ll be less hard on yourself for feeling those feelings, which helps break the cycle of bad thought patterns. As for the rebounding, is it helping? Is it boosting your confidence or creating a distraction (creating distractions is a valid response to a breakup imo!) or providing you with something fun and enjoyable? Or are you just rebounding because you think it’s what someone is “supposed” to do after a breakup? I would really sit and think about it is that you’re getting from these situations, and if it’s kind of nothing OR if it’s taking more out of you than it gives you, maybe take a break to just be by yourself.

Kamala: I think rollercoasters are just normal! “No feelings” seems terrible to hear, but at least you’re no longer with someone who is unmoved by you! When I was in my 20s my best answer to this would be to move somewhere new, where unwelcome reminders of the past are fewer and farther between and buy a new pair of Vans and pretend you don’t know that person who has no feelings for you. But now I’d say write down all of your feelings, let all of them out. Follow every revenge fantasy to its end and every self-loathing teary wallow to its core, and let yourself be really, really sad and mad and self-pitying and everything else. And then remind yourself that it won’t always feel this way, and find something new to obsess over for the time being.

Rachel: I think that unfortunately this is extremely normal and perhaps in some ways unavoidable – I’m not sure based on your q how long you were dating, and of course the ‘normal’ time to recover is going to vary a bit based on whether it was 3 months or 3 years. But I’m guessing that part of what’s happening here is that in addition to your grief over the relationship itself, and the pain of being the one broken up with, is being really shaken and upset by her saying she didn’t have feelings for you. Aside from being hurtful, this must feel like a major breach of your trust, not just in her but in like, how you thought the world around you worked — of course your girlfriend would have feelings for you, she’s your girlfriend! It makes sense that you’re feeling destabilized in general, and probably feeling a hit to your confidence about future partners. I think it might help to talk to others and give yourself space to feel not just sad/upset, but how blindsided and taken aback you probably were, and let yourself feel all the stuff related to not just the breakup but the reasons for it. After a truly harrowing amount of therapy, I’m a big believer in our emotions being helpful info to show us things about ourselves and our needs, and we can’t get that info if we rush through them and try to force it all to stop, which often leads to us being back in a similar situation and feeling them again. What about this is making you feel bad in such a persistent way? What can sitting with that and letting yourself fully experience it show you about what you need to avoid or stand up for yourself against in the future?

Q2:

How do you know if you’ve made the right decision about a breakup?? I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend for what I think are the right reasons for both of us but it feels so wrong!

A:

Abeni: You made the right decision. I promise. Don’t get back together. Spend this time processing alone or with friends or a therapist what you can learn about yourself, your needs, your desires, how you approach relationships, and how you can deepen your relationship with yourself during this time. Maybe you’ll learn that you broke up as a result of feelings that wouldn’t have come up if you’d done more internal work or approached the relationship in a different way, but you won’t know until you really go there. I promise that it’s very unlikely that this person was your soul mate or love of your life and you made a huge mistake breaking up with them. It’s a lot more likely that this was a chapter of your life that has now closed and you can grow as a result, and that was its purpose in your life. 99% of relationships end, and yet they all teach us things and help us grow, so they are all valuable and none of them was wasted time.

Malic: Most breakups feel “wrong” at first. We get used to the rhythms of our relationships, and it can be hard to adjust to single life. I would guess that the “wrong” feeling is this period of adjustment, and you’ll feel more solid in your decision over time. Sit with this feeling for a while. Experience life without your ex. If it’s still feeling “wrong” after a long stretch of singlehood, then you can reassess, but give yourself the chance to experience life without that relationship before you make the mistake of preemptively diving back in. It might also be a good idea to focus on why this was the right decision for you. You can’t know the right reasons for your ex — that’s for them to decide.

Kayla: My guess is that you’re still too close to the situation to really be able to pull back and have some perspective. As with any major life change, a breakup is usually going to feel really hard in the immediate aftermath. You need more time and space before you can really start to see how the change affects you. Your ex likely needs this time and space, too. Wishy-washy breakups or ones where we people keep getting back together and breaking up again can become really unhealthy situations. Take the time and the space before making another major decision.

Kamala: I think being alive and then being alive AND queer is always about knowing there is not a right answer, and so you rarely can just KNOW definitively. But if it feels like the right reasons, it probably is. In my experience, it’s often not the entire relationship that isn’t working, it’s usually just one part, but sometimes that part can ruin the fun in the whole rest of it. So at the very least taking a break, where you commit to being apart, will show you what you miss and what you don’t and whether or not you feel differently about the balance between the hard parts and the awesome parts.

Q3:

I am a bisexual enby in their mid-20’s whose sexual history has mostly involved sleeping with men. My one experience with a woman was about 6 years ago and I was not really attracted to her so it wasn’t the best experience. But now I really want to have sex with women. The problem, of course, is that with COVID I do not feel safe going out to find hot ladies to get it on with. And because I’m so new to this whole sex with women thing, I’m not as sure about what I WANT in bed, or what even my options are. How can I explore and fulfill this desire on my own, until it’s safe for us to all go out and get intimate with each other again? (I don’t really enjoy watching porn, so I’m looking for alternative options and resources)

A:

Abeni: Masturbation is a good way to do so! I think this article from Vanessa is like, required reading. I think reading queer erotica could also help you since you don’t like porn – what do you read that turns you on and what doesn’t? Also you can read some good books about the actual mechanics of queer sex! But don’t put a timeline on yourself. You have the rest of your life to figure out what you like during sex. And it can change over time! Also, almost anything you liked during sex with men can be done with women and other trans and non-binary people – don’t feel like everything has to be different. Anyway, figuring all of this out can wait a couple more years until it’s safe to have sex again, don’t pressure yourself to have everything figured out! Take your time and keep getting to know your own body.

Q4:

I’m in my mid-20s. I’ve never had sex, let alone been kissed. I’ve had intense friendships, but they’ve never ventured into relationship territory. There are many reasons for all of this, but I won’t get into them here. All I will say is: I never wanted that kind of intimacy before – there simply wasn’t room for it. Within the last couple years, though, things have changed and oh, how I want it now.

People tend to assume I’m queer, and indeed, I’ve had feelings for women and other nonbinary folk. I just don’t know if I can fully claim queer as an identity yet, since my romantic and sexual experience is so limited. Part of it feels right, though. I feel safe with queer folk; I know peace in these spaces. But, I’m also a child of the scientific method. And, because of this, I’ve been trained that hypotheses aren’t enough: you need data.

Back in February, I had finally gotten to a place where I was ready to take the leap. I managed to go on my very first date, and then another. But then the pandemic hit, and now it feels like I’m back at square one.

Most people my age or older know who they are at this point or at least have an inkling of what they want/need in relationships, in the bedroom, what feels good… I’m highly aware that some folks might not want to deal with my inexperience, that I’m too uncertain of who I am to be worth their time.

So, how do you start your sexual journey in a pandemic? How do you begin dating and/or hooking up in time like this when you’re a bundle of shame and naïveté?

A:

Malic: You don’t need to have had sexual experience or dating experience to know that you’re queer. I started coming out when I was 13 and didn’t have sex until I was 16. All of that is to say — we know what we desire, we know what turns us on and no one needs to make a Google spreadsheet documenting all the queer sex you’ve had to confirm that.

You can get to know your sexual self without the help of others by fantasizing, reading erotica, watching porn and masturbating. Seek out movies and TV shows with queer representation. Imagine your future relationships.

While this pandemic makes casual dating and fucking unsafe IRL, virtual dating (and virtual sex, if you’re open to it) are still very much on the table. Get on a dating app and go on a virtual date. The stakes are low (if the person turns out to be a nightmare, you can just shut your laptop) and you even have the option to date someone outside your city if you’re nervous about entering your local queer scene. Plenty of queers are thirsty for online romance and sex right now, and there are definitely folks out there who are down to work with your lack of experience (some might even find it hot). Be honest about where you’re at and stay curious. You probably won’t meet your Future Queer Life Partner on Tinder during a pandemic, but you’ll definitely learn more about who you are and what you want.

And Rachel has an answer for Q3 AND Q4:

Rachel: Wow this is a moment in time because I have an article for you from sex educator and therapist Christina Tesoro about almost this exact thing, we just haven’t had a chance to run it yet! But I wish I could link you to a preview because I think it will feel really helpful. In the meantime, before it publishes in the next couple weeks, I would think about this: I hear you about not liking porn, which is fine, but there are lots of other ways to consciously explore sexual scenarios and think actively about what part, if any, you’d like to play in them. Do you like reading romances or fanfic, or watching rom coms? Can you try to notice what parts specifically feel big or intense for you, and let yourself imagine what you’d want to do or have done to you in similar scenarios? Are there celebrities/characters/IRL crushes that you know you’re into? Can you let yourself daydream about them and what it would look like to let things progress with them, and notice what comes up, what feels good, what feels weird? There are also a lot of great resources about the literal logistics – our lesbian sex 101, for instance, is a pretty good start; I also like Girl Sex 101 by Alison Moon! (Carolyn also summarized some sex tips from it!)

Q5:

I just found out someone at my partner’s office tested positive for COVID-19 and I am freaking out. We broke up just before the quarantine started, we were living together and now are sleeping in different rooms. We then got back together and I was social distancing from her and she was being very insistent on me not kissing her, I told her that I had my issues with COVID and I didn’t want to get sick. Later i realized those were my trust issues projecting on her. So I made myself trust her, blindly because I can’t really monitor if she wears a mask or not or whatever. So after this big trust exercize this happened and we settled on social distancing indoor until we make sure we are both negative. But gosh! I have a very anxious brian an this has been a mentally exhausting week and this is just the cherry on top.
Thanks for reading! stay safe and stay hydrated! (really! get up and drink some water NOW, that’s what I’m gonna do anyway)

A:

Abeni: Hi, I’m not sure what advice you need about this situation, and I’m not even sure what happened here. She was insistent on not kissing, but also you didn’t even want to kiss? Or did you? But also you had trust issues? And you lived together, then broke up, then … moved back in together? I’m not 100% sure.

But hopefully you learned something about boundaries, projection, and working out your trust issues. Whether you’re projecting trust issues or not, don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not ready to do. ESPECIALLY when that person could be pressuring you to do something potentially dangerous and possibly fatal!

Q6:

If feel like some days all I do is eat ice cream take naps and masturbate is this normal? Do other folks with MH issues during this pandemic do something similar?

Rachel: Honestly many days I cannot even manage to do these three things, I think it is more than normal! I can report that I am having an extremely difficult time with memory, basic executive function, organizing my time, energy/motivation to do things, and like baseline emotional regulation; and that’s with the assurance of continued employment, only one death in my family due to COVID, an antidepressant, and two therapists. I think it’s more than reasonable to just set ‘getting thru the day’ as your priority most days, and if you manage to do that and also keep your head above water as far as eating, sleeping and paying your rent, I’m personally very impressed with you.

Q7:

I work in a tiny office (me and my boss) and she often asks me to look for things in her email. I snooped (I know, not great) and found something very unsavory: she writes about how “heavy” I am and wrote to a friend that I came back from quarantine 20-30 lbs heavier (“scary” she said). It’s not her fucking business but I actually weigh the same! And I am filled with rage. Is there any way to confront her about this or get her to not talk about me this way? I like my job and want to keep it, but that really stings. I also worry people will always look at me this way and judge me about my body and my size. I’m in therapy and I am all about body positive instagram, but how can I fight this?

A:

Kamala: WTF??!! First, we’re all human, so I don’t think it’s that extra to look in someone’s email when they’re too lazy to look in their own email and so ask you to do it for them. Second, it’s ABSOLUTELY not her fucking business what you do or do not weigh and WHY ON EARTH does she not have anything better to discuss with her friends? Truly, I’m sad for her. And truly, this is entirely about her and not about you. Though your rage is warranted and you can choose whether or not it would actually make you feel better to confront her!

I think if you respect your boss otherwise and usually have a good rapport (since it is just the two of you) other than this one time and can frame it as part of maintaining a good relationship, you can be honest. But if you don’t have a good relationship and this is just another thing you can add to the list of strange/inappropriate behaviors your boss has exhibited, I don’t think you’re going to get anything good out of a confrontation. It may be a matter of waiting to see when is a good time to bring it up, like if you ever are talking about your working relationship, or, it might just be you knowing that your body is perfect the way it is, your boss is fatphobic — probably in addition some other things that suck for her — and genuinely none of these things are your problem to solve. People are looking at a lot of people a lot of different ways, which — from my experience, as someone fat and gay-looking and whose race/ethnicity can be confusing — is 100% those people’s problems.

Himani: This is a really painful and difficult situation, and I am so, so sorry that your boss is a complete and total asshole. In terms of what you can do about it, that’s really tricky. You say you snooped through her email so I’m assuming that means that the email you read where she was making horrible and inappropriate comments wasn’t just sitting at the top of her inbox and that it required a little bit of digging to find. In this situation, I’m a little concerned that if you try to approach her, the conversation will immediately pivot to your “breach of her trust” by reading her emails to her friend. Unfortunately, she wields a tremendous amount of power in this situation. Not only is she your direct supervisor, but I’m guessing that your small office also doesn’t have much in the way of an HR department. Even if it does, HR usually takes the employer’s side, and again, I’m a little concerned that if you go to them there will be an over emphasis on the fact that you read her emails.

I’m also incredibly cynical. If a grown ass woman thinks it’s appropriate to be making fatphobic comments about her employee’s appearance to her friends, I’m not sure that you’ll be able to get through to her, no matter how you approach the conversation. I feel like you’d be doing a ton of emotional work and putting your job at risk for little return. I guess, I also wonder — you say that you like your job, but is it really possible to keep liking this job knowing the kind of person your boss is? It might be time to start thinking about whether this office environment is the best place for you, given what you now know about your boss.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t approach her, but it may be a matter of waiting until you hold a few more cards in your hand. Because of the pandemic, it is incredibly difficult to find work, and I’m afraid that’s only going to get worse before it gets better. It might be best to ride this out until the job market improves. At that point, you can reach out to her about the email you saw and, if she doesn’t respond well and makes your working life hell, you have the fall back of looking for a new job. It also doesn’t hurt to start looking now in case there are organizations that are hiring.

And in the meanwhile, perhaps consider not looking at her emails beyond whatever’s the immediate task she’s asking for. You’ll only be hurting yourself because you now know who your boss truly is.

I will also add that if you find that she is making inappropriate comments about your appearance and your weight more directly to you, your colleagues or other people you work with, then that changes my answer substantially. Then you can approach her and/or your HR on a little bit firmer ground. Again, though, be prepared for the reality that there might not be much that comes of it and she might make your working life miserable.

Abeni: Don’t mention the e-mail unless you want to get fired and/or have an incredibly difficult workplace environment. If it’s just you and boss, then you’ve probably got to suck it up. If you want, you can have a conversation about fatness/body image with Boss that’s not related to you – discuss Lizzo, or HAES, or some other fat news or something, and through the conversation you can see how Boss responds. You could even mention how you overheard someone talking about your’s or someone else’s weight/gain and how much that hurt your feelings, and how people’s weight isn’t anyone else’s business and doesn’t affect their work productivity or value in society or whatever. Maybe Boss will hear you, maybe they won’t.

Bigger picture, though: we live in a fatphobic society. There will always be people who judge you on your weight. It sucks and it’s not fair, but for every secret e-mail you find or whispered judgment you overhear, there are probably a dozen more that you don’t. Fuck them! They’re working out their own self-image and internalized bullshit and projecting it on you. Their opinion doesn’t matter. It’s not about you. But it’s the reality; it’s the burden of living in an oppressive society, and it’s in your best interest to spend extra time and effort working on how to be at peace with it as soon as you can. For a lot of people, activism is a way to actively respond to oppression and helps mitigate the reality that some people probably will always look at you negatively and judge you in this way. Society changes slowly; being a part of the movement to change it could be how you keep your head up.

Also make sure that nobody you choose to allow in your life feels this way or treats you this way. There will always be fatphobic bosses and conngresspeople and strangers, and you can’t do much about that. But you can make sure nobody you let close treats you like this.

Q8:

I just want to say that although the pandemic is several different kinds of terrifying I am really finding the whole quarantine thing to be generally ok? I have so many privileges – a job that lets me work remotely, a job that has not changed massively in the shift to remote, a safe & comfortable home, no care responsibilities etc –
that it makes me feel uncomfortable to say to people when they ask. It’s obviously not ideal! but it is OK. I can’t be the only one experiencing this, right?

A:

Casey: You want reassurance that you are not the only one feeling like the whole quarantine thing has been okay: I can give that to you! It has also generally been okay for me. I’ve been laid off but getting layoff pay due to my awesome union, my partner’s been working from home, I have a comfy house with a backyard in a small Canadian city with lots of room, no one to care for except my dog, I’m white and able-bodied, the list could go on. I’m also a homebody introvert who loves staying at home! I know plenty of other mostly white middle class friends and family who are luckily in similar positions.

But I also want to address your acknowledging you have so many privileges and that you’re uncomfortable saying to people that you’re feeling okay. As with all kinds of privilege, sitting around feeling guilty about having it doesn’t do anybody any good, including yourself! How can you harness your privilege to give to people who have less, particularly in this moment of uprising against anti-Blackness and police brutality? Autostraddle has a ton of resources available: mutual funds you can donate to, self-education resources, concrete actions you can do, and more! Choose something you feel passionate about! You can also explore using your privilege for good at your job. Is there a way you can advocate for justice and equity for people affected by the pandemic at work? What about for Black and Indigenous and other people of colour? Go forth and focus on these actions, rather than the guilty feelings. Good luck!

Kamala: You are certainly not alone! Congrats if you’re someone who is thriving in quarantine, I think that’s a really fabulous skill and know several people who are growing and creating so many wonderful things in the time and space that quarantine has provided. It’s also totally real to recognize that you are someone who generally feels safe and comfortable during a global pandemic and uprising — and I’d ask you to consider, during these extenuating circumstances for a lot of people, if there is a shift you can make in your daily life so that you’re extending your resources and comfort beyond yourself — because you named several privileges that would make you a great person to have a care responsibility!

Q9:

I’m a parent and was spending time with a parent/family member who is relatively conservative and Christian but I thought she was more progressive on sexuality/gender identity. She said she vetted all of her kid’s media using Common Sense Media. I was a little shook because I thought of this as completely anti-gay. When I went to look it up it looks like they don’t censor based on representation of LGBTQ+ folks but their SEO is so good that I can’t find any articles ABOUT Common Sense Media, that aren’t BY them. What is the deal with this website? Is this actually a reasonable resource for parents who want to avoid violence and cussing etc in shows or is it a tool of right wing indoctrination?! Help! Thanks!

A:

Casey: Hi! First I want to say good on you for thinking critically about resources about kid’s media! I have to say, I have often used Common Sense Media to help answer parents’ questions about certain books or movies when they have asked about them while I’ve been working in a library. I always had a sense that it was NOT a “tool of right wing indoctrination” as you put it, but I should have done my homework more to make sure. I am happy to say, after doing a bit of lesbrarian research, that while I wouldn’t go so far as to call Common Sense Media a social-justice centred resource, they seem pretty LGBTQ friendly. They actually have resources pointing parents specifically to LGBTQ books, for example. And I checked out the site-sponsored review for the new Babysitter’s Club Netflix series and it notes the show dealing with gender identity and racism are good things! That said, it is a website that parents who have accounts can post reviews, and there probably isn’t a mechanism to stop any of those individuals from including homophobic or transphobic stuff there. In general, though, I’d say it’s a good resource and not one that’s going to influence your family member in an anti-LGBTQ direction.

Q10:

Hi! Just asking if you have any suggestions for books (or other media) on recovering from sexual assault that are geared toward, or at least reasonably inclusive of queer women. Thanks! Appreciate all this site does.

A:

Casey: I wish I had a huge list to give you! But even though I don’t have a lot of suggestions, I do have some so let’s focus on that. My first recommendation is two books edited by Lexie Bean Written on the Body: Letters from Trans and Nonbinary Survivors of Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence and Portable Homes. Leah Horlick’s collection of poetry about her experiences with sexual assault in a queer relationship is incredible: For Your Own Good. Also check out Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories from the Transformative Social Justice Movement by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, Queering Sexual Violence: Radical Voices from within the Anti-Violence Movement by Jennifer Patterson, and The Politics of Trauma: Somatics, Healing, and Social Justice by Staci Haines.

Autostraddle also has a whole tag devoted to sexual assault, which is definitely worth checking out. Good luck to you on your recovery <3.

Q11:

Hi, asking for an acquaintance: do you have any recommended resources for a (straight, cis, but motivated to be supportive) parent whose early-20’s kid just came out as non-binary? Thank you all for everything you do!

A:

Malic: I’m always thrilled when a parent wants to learn more about gender! I’ve been (casually? half-heartedly?) identifying as non-binary for several years. Over that time, I’ve learned that the word “non-binary” means something different to each non-binary person. I wish there were an Official Non-Binary Resource I could recommend, but the lived experiences of non-binary people are so vast that there’s no way to sum it up in a single article, documentary or book.

I absolutely believe that we should educate ourselves about marginalized communities instead of asking those who are marginalized to do that labor for us, but in this case, I think it’s fair for the parent to ask their child for some resource recommendations. Since their child just came out, they’re probably still figuring out what “non-binary” means to them, but they can probably list the resources that helped them start to understand their gender identity.

If this parent’s child has started using gender neutral pronouns (not all non-binary people do!), A Quick And Easy Guide To They/Them Pronouns by Autostraddle’s own Archie Bongiovanni is an INCREDIBLY helpful read.

Casey: Agreed to Malic’s advice to tell the parent to ask their kid what resources they found helpful about nonbinary identity! They might also find useful this list I wrote on fiction about nonbinary characters. That list is a few years old now, though, so there are other newer books out there too. Some more recent books, fiction and nonfiction, that I’d recommend are: I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver, Genderqueer by Maia Kobabe, Vanishing Monuments by John Elizabeth Stintzi, Finna by Nino Cipri, Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey, and nitisanak by Lindsay Nixon. These are all by nonbinary authors!

Rachel: I don’t know for sure what pronouns your pal’s kid uses, but in the event that learning about they/them pronouns is something that would be useful, Archie’s book on this is so great! I haven’t personally read this to vet but if you think first-person sharing might be helpful for them, Nonbinary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity has a range of first-person essays from many different people, and good reviews. For shorter, bite-sized resources, here’s a fact sheet and some info from the National Center for Transgender Equality.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!