Welcome to the 13^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc.(No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re now doing this column twice monthly, so get your questions in!

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q 1:

I’m AFAB and imagine myself as a cis-man while watching porn or masturbating, probably 98% of the time. Am I trans?

A:

Malic: If this is the only aspect of your life in which you imagine yourself as a cisgender man, then you’re probably not trans. Our sexual fantasies often don’t reflect our relaties — I’d guess that most people fantasize about some experiences and activities that they wouldn’t want to actualize in real life. If the thought of being a dude gets you off, you can keep that fantasy in your brain (and in your sex with partners) without changing how you identify in the rest of your life.

Abeni: I agree with Malic, though I’ll also add that our fantasies can sometimes tell us about deep desires that we haven’t yet been able to confront head on. Imagining myself as the woman when I was watching straight porn could have been, in retrospect, a clue that I was trans. It could be a single data point that you consider as you continue doing introspection and growing as a person throughout your life; maybe one day it’ll be one of many reasons you do end up realizing you’re trans! On its own, though, it doesn’t mean anything necessarily other than it’s something that gets you off.

Q 2:

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. In that time, we’ve always lived 1.5 hours from her family – immediate and extended – and visit them every few weeks for a weekend at a time. When COVID broke out, we hunkered down in Boston and stopped seeing them. Then, we totaled our car, so we decided to go home and visit her family and buy a replacement vehicle. That took two weeks. It was extremely nerve-wracking for me to not live in my own space during that time. I like to care for my space by keeping it tidy and peaceful; by contrast, her family is very messy and lives in clutter. I really do love them, but their lifestyle drives me crazy. They’re also careless with social distancing (making multiple store runs each day).

Now, my partner wants us to continue visiting them for weekends as if it is a normal summer, and I keep telling her that I’m not comfortable with the extra exposure risk that presents for all of us. I am also extra sensitive about being torn from my controlled environment during this time. Deep down, I want them to sacrifice seeing one another like everyone else is doing during this pandemic. I feel like it is the only responsible thing to do. What I have told her is that I’m not comfortable with the added exposures of visiting them on and off, and that the alternative (living with them) is off limits to me. Am I being too uptight and/or asking too much of everyone?

A:

Casey: Short answer: absolutely not! You are trying to do your best to be socially responsible and do as much physical distancing as you can amidst this scary, dangerous COVID-19 situation. This is both for your partner and your’s sake, as well as her family’s. You are also trying your best to take care of yourself at this time, by being aware of how important your controlled environment is for you and your mental health right now. This is very important too, not just for you, but for your partner as well. (Insert saying about putting on your own oxygen mask first, etc). You say that you’ve told your partner that you’re not comfortable with your usual summer weekend visits and the alternative of living with them. But you didn’t say what her response was. Given that you’ve written in asking us if you are “being too uptight and/or asking too much of everyone,” it seems like she has said or done something to make you feel think that. Or maybe it’s just come up in your own mind. Either way, you should talk to her about it! One or both of you might be feeling resentful, and that shit will fester. Even if she has agreed it’s the right decision to not visit or live with her family for the summer, she likely has some feelings of sadness or anger or who knows what about it. If she hasn’t, the two of you need to come up with a decision that you both feel comfortable with. If you agree not to visit all summer or live with them, how about an alternative? Can you plan to have regular zoom / skype / etc visits instead? Can you send fun letters with little mementos to and from her family? If she really wants to see them in person, is it a workable compromise for your partner to drive there for a day visit on her own and physically distance from her family while she is visiting? Does she want to be physically with them so much she would move there for the summer without you? I don’t know what will work for both of you, but I hope you can talk it out. Unfortunately you have a say in what your partner does in this situation, but not her family–so really the “everyone” you’re worried about asking too much of is just her. The two of you are accountable to each other in your relationship, so it’s up to you and her to figure out a solution together. Good luck!

Q 3:

Is there a graceful way to express to a partner that you rushed into a relationship and are not ready for the level of involvement you’re at? I am in college and in my first serious (poly) relationship and realized I’m completely codependent on my two partners. I agreed to rent a place for the summer with one of them, but I am now having second thoughts, both because she hasn’t been showing nearly the same amount of interest in me lately and because I am wary of moving during coronavirus. I’m kind of disgusted with myself realizing that I compromised my comfort because of how obsessed with her I was, and I have no idea what to do now. I would really appreciate any advice you have either about the particular situation or about getting a bit more distance in general. Thanks very much!!

A:

Abeni: First off, be kind to yourself! You made the best decision you could at the time based on how you felt in the moment. Now, if by “graceful” you mean “a way that is guaranteed to not hurt any feelings,” the answer is no. Things like this will probably always cause hurt feelings, and you can’t avoid that. Occasional hurt feelings is typically the price of being in nearly any kind of close relationship with any other human. If you can help it, you shouldn’t move in with anyone unless you’re absolutely thrilled about the idea. You need to tell her as soon as possible that you are having second thoughts. If she gets really upset about it and mean or whatever, you’ve learned something about her! And if she’s mature and understanding, you’ve learned something too. Y’all might be able to negotiate, communicate, and it might allay your fears. Or not! You’ll learn something, though, about both of you. Take it as a lesson, and it’s a MUCH cheaper and easier lesson than moving in with her and then regretting it. Save yourself a lot of difficult-to-overcome unpleasantness later by having an unpleasant conversation now.

Q4:

Hello! I’m in my first relationship with a woman, which is also my longest relationship by far (we’re at about a year and a half now). I’m 33, so kind of late for both of those things and it feels like my relative inexperience is at play here. In the beginning, the first six months or so, I was so excited to be having sex with a woman that basically a feather could’ve gotten me off. It was like a supercharged version of the usual honeymoon phase. And now, many months later, the sex is not as novel, and I”m having some issues. I think I never really taught her the best ways to get me off, because, as I said, feather, etc. So she’s doing things that used to work just fine that are not working that well now. I feel like I really have to work hard to come–with careful focus, physically moving her hand, that sort of thing. It feels like I no longer just get to let go. So that was all happening prior to the pandemic, and I was maybe not thrilled but I though I could live with it. But both of our sex drives in the midst of all this have sort of plummeted, so when we do actually have sex, it feels like a miracle that it’s happening and there’s a lot more pressure on it than usual, all of which is on top of the fact that the angle she often puts her hand at makes her thumbnail dig into me in a painful way (…for example). I have mostly made peace with the low quarantine sex drive and I assume it will come back eventually. (That’s normal in long relationships anyway right??) But I have realized that though I want to, I don’t really know how to address the rest of it. Wouldn’t it be awful for her to hear that what she’s been doing for over a year isn’t actually that great for me? How do I even have that conversation?

A:

Kamala First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on making it into a relationship with a woman who is presumably really cool, because it’s been over a year now! So my several pieces of advice: As someone who comes often and easily, especially in the beginning when I’m riding high on being so incredibly attracted to someone that just me looking at this face is enough to nearly send me over the edge, I understand the perturbing shift, when suddenly effort has to be made to meet your orgasm halfway. But don’t fear! There will be new kinds of orgasms coming your way AND you can also just not be that concerned about coming, because haven’t you heard form one basic travel blog or another that life is about the journey, not the destination? For real though, in my experience, it is totally normal to have a shift in your sexual dynamic as your relationship grows and changes, and you’re in a great spot that you’re not fully ready to ignore it! I don’t think it’s at all weird that you used to have a sexual dynamic that was effortless, and now it sounds like you’re going to have to be more intentional, because people become new people to us and you start to feel differently about someone’s face — like your first reaction might not be imagining it buried in your crotch anymore — and I don’t think that’s bad at all. Because now you get to indulge in some of the higher hanging fruit, that you might have to rustle around a little to find, but it will be worth it. If you’ve never had an in-depth conversation about the sex you’re having and what it is and is not doing for the both you, it is high time, friend. You can talk during the sex about small things like fingernail digging, which I’m sure your partner would like to know about and you can come up with a solution together for a better angle, in the moment.

For larger things, I think timing is based on your relationship style and how open you both are to talking about sex. I’ve been in relationships where the best time to talk about sex was before or after it, and I’ve been in relationships where that ruins the magic, and we have to set a separate time. In either case it can start with something simple like saying: “I’m thinking about some new things I might want to try out when we have sex, would you want to talk about that?” It sounds like you might know some of the things that you like, and you just haven’t really shared these things with your partner. This can and should be a totally hot discussion, even if it’s just you inviting her in to discover what gets you off better with you. I guarantee that she wants to know more things she can do to give you more pleasure, and that if that includes adjustments for things she’s already doing, I think she’s gonna be down to give them a shot. Do I think you should say, “Sex for the past year has been lackluster for me”? No, I do not. I think you should mention the things you find sexy about her, and focus on wanting to expand the repertoire or switch things up a little, and that you can be honest about specific things that you’ve noticed don’t work like they used to, or that you’d like to try instead. Quarantine is a new strange life for everyone and has put a lot of extra anxiety into our daily lives, so it would make sense that your sex drive is different too. I don’t know how your desire functions, but mine is predicated on cultivating some kind of longing for someone. And sometimes that’s hard to do when they’re around a lot, or I don’t get to see the parts of them that feel erotic and sexy to me, or if I’m not focused on sex at all. For me, this means I need to spend some time alone fantasizing about the people I have sex with, so that I have time to discover the different parts of their personality I want to experience in sex, or that I want to think about when we’re fucking, or that I can romanticize and turn into a role play. I’m a huge proponent of frequent and/or involved masturbation sessions (and telling my partners about them), because I think it can relieve some of the high-pressure on sex, and it can be a time to purposefully think about what you might want to do with someone else, or to share with a partner who is just there to watch/learn or assist.

My last piece of advice is that sometimes when sex is not working, it’s showing me other things that are not working in a relationship. It might be that I’ve lost the feeling of trust or safety with someone, it might be that I’m feeling guilty about being a kind of shitty communicator of late, it might be that I haven’t mentioned that I’m pissed about the way she washes the dishes, or it might be that I’m just not into it anymore. All of these things are valid and worth considering!

Rachel: It sounds like you’ve thought this through really intentionally both in terms of your needs and your partner’s feelings; that’s super hard to do, especially in such trying times! I love Kamala’s advice and definitely agree with it; one other thing I would put on the table for both yourself and your partner to consider is that it doesn’t sound like your partner is doing anything “wrong,” it sounds like what you need has changed, and that’s not bad or a problem or something to apologize for. One of the hottest things I’ve ever read in a dating profile was “I know what I want, and also that I can change my mind about it.” What we need and want is going to change throughout our lives, inevitably; part of a successful long-term partnership is making space for your partner to change and working to meet their new needs. Specifically when it comes to bodies, our bodies are going to change, and so will their needs! We could become ill, develop a chronic condition, become disabled, get pregnant, or have something in our bodies naturally shift with time; all of us will inevitably age, and our bodies will change then too! It doesn’t have to be a loaded or accusatory thing to say to your partner “You know, I’m not sure why, but lately I feel like I have to work really hard to come, and I love coming when we have sex – how would you feel about trying X, Y or Z to see if I can come that way?”

Q5:

I grew up in an evangelical household where I was constantly told to fear The End Times. I have had major anxiety about the world ending even when things were going well, so now, obviously, I am just. Completely crumbling. I’m not part of that sect of Christianity anymore, but it feels impossible to shake the deep-seated feeling I am going to hell, that I won’t ever get to be an old person because the world is going to end first, etc. I’ve tried talking to other people about it… but none of my friends grew up the same way I did. My therapist didn’t. My girlfriend didn’t. I don’t know how to find someone who “gets it,” because I really don’t believe you can fully get it unless you grew up in it. So I guess my question has two parts: 1. How do I stop freaking out that I am finally right and. the apocalypse is indeed happening and I’m about to die horribly and then suffer even further and 2. How do you find people that “get it”? I’ve only ever met one person I felt truly did and she was my ex so that isn’t an option for me anymore. (I tried being friends but I couldn’t do it.)

A:

Abeni: This is rough, and I feel for you. I grew up in Christianity, but luckily not one that was too obsessed with eschatology. That being said, I JUST texted my friends the other day that with locusts, murder hornets, Austrailian fires, the pandemic, drought, famine, the literal antichrist in the White House, and now cities burning, it’s feeling a lot like the end times right now. In terms of the Apocalypse, I don’t have too much to tell you. It’s probably not the Apocalypse. A bunch of eschatologists seem to agree, so take that for what it’s worth. 1 Thessalonians 5:2 says “the day of the Lord’s return will come unexpectedly, like a thief in the night.” Far too many people are predicting that this is the end times for it to really be, in my opinion. More importantly, your life could end at any moment. Thousands of people die in car crashes, freak accidents, etc. every day. Fear of death is a losing game. The best we can do is love each other fiercely and try to be positive forces in the world for the short time we’re here. That’s what Jesus was all about.

Speaking of Jesus, my interpretation of his message is that heaven and hell aren’t some place you go after you die – they’re ways of understanding our time on Earth. People who love and care for themselves and each other get to experience the heavenly joy of love, mutuality, true intimacy and friendship, etc. right here on Earth. And people who hate and kill and hoard and oppress and ignore suffering live in Hell. Even if you don’t buy that view, in my opinion there’s no use worrying about it. Either God is good and won’t send ⅔ of the world to eternal punishment for being born into the wrong religion, or God’s bad and there’s nothing you can effectively do to get in God’s good graces. I don’t believe in God anymore, but if I’m wrong, I’m either going to Heaven – I do my best every day to be a good person and to emulate Jesus’ love, care, justice, selflessness, etc. – or God’s not just and I’m going to Hell no matter what I do. So I’ll just keep being a good person, and let the chips fall where they may. I don’t know if that’s comforting to you, but it’s what works for me.

Rachel: This sounds incredibly difficult, and I can understand how frustrating and disappointing it feels when you’re trying actively on your end to heal your stuff and still aren’t finding the options and support you need to make a difference. It feels really helpless and like there’s no point in trying! I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience so far when it sounds like you want very much to be able to address this. I’m not sure I can provide more resources specific to your background — I did look for some online support groups for LGBTQ folks with religious trauma, which I feel very confident exist, but wasn’t able to find something I felt super confident linking you to yet. I do feel that would be a great step and option in the future, but to be honest I also don’t think it’s the ONLY option that will help you, and I don’t want you to despair based on that. The reality is that many of us have to work with therapists who don’t have specific experience or even knowledge of the experiences that shaped us.

Also, while the specifics of the fears and beliefs you inherited aren’t shared by the people in your life, the overarching contours of what you’re experiencing — your upbringing and the trauma-inducing context that you inherited strong, harmful beliefs in have given you reflexive beliefs about how the world works that you can’t let go of just by cognitively understanding they’re false, even though you want to — are not uncommon, and shared by a lot of people with developmental trauma, and a lot of therapists have experience in working with people who share that set of problems. The specific beliefs might be different – rather than the Rapture, it might be that the person will be abandoned by anyone but their abusive parents, or that something terrible will happen to them if they’re ever honest about their abuse — but some of the therapeutic techniques that work for other people with other beliefs can work for you, too. I know that this is an incredibly difficult time to try to be working on this, as it does feel a lot like The End Times and a lot of people are talking about it as such, which I imagine is incredibly triggering for you. I would recommend talking to your therapist about organizing treatment around addressing symptoms of complex trauma and maybe trying to do some somatic work if possible (or recommend another therapist who can do these things with you). Even if your therapist doesn’t “get” exactly what you’re feeling, I think those things will help provide a lot of the stability and resiliency and give you concrete tools that will help you get through this incredibly triggering time so you can focus on working on this more once this is over (and it will be over!).

In the meantime, I understand how frustrating it is, but it might help to let go of whether the most intimate people in your life can fully understand your internal experience, and try to focus on having them understand what you need. None of us are really ever going to be able to fully, viscerally understand someone else’s internal experience of past bad stuff; we can understand what their needs are around it. Can you think about what would help you from the people in your life at this time, and ask for it? “I know it might not make sense, and I understand it’s irrational, but it still feels really triggering for me when I hear someone refer to this as “the end of the world” — can you try to avoid doing that/ask our friends not to do that?”

Q6:

Hi! I’m one of the unfortunate souls who broke up with their partner in February — I thought I’d have months to really settle into what it’s like to be single after a long relationship, but instead here we are with COVID. My question is about meeting people and online dating. I had lots of ideas right after the breakup about how I’d reconnect with my local queer community, take some pole classes, explore that solo sexuality, and eventually go make out with cuties at a dance party. I’ve never used Tinder or any dating apps. How do they even work? What kinds of things are people doing to expand their social circles, make new connections, and find folx they might hook up with when it’s a little safer? I’m great at being a hermit over the winter, but as we get into the lighter, brighter months, I really want to connect. XOXO to you all for reading this!

A:

Rachel: This is hard in the best of times, and these are not the best of times! I feel for you, and my condolences about your breakup, even if it was needed. I realize these were all written pre-pandemic and may feel like they’re from another timeline for right now, but since you mentioned being new to apps in general, I can share what we have on that: + How to Write a Swipe-Worthy Dating App Bio + How to Choose Dating App Photos That’ll Have Babes Swiping Hell Yes + How to Write a Non-Monogamous Dating Profile + Can Somebody Tell Me How Dating Works? + A Very Sensible, Queer Guide To Sending the First Message On Tinder + 5 Ways to Send the First Tinder Message That Aren’t Just Saying “Hey There” To be honest, I’m not sure other people are doing all that much to make new connections or expand their social circles right now – I say that not to make you feel like it’s impossible or pointless, but just to emphasize that this isn’t like, something everyone else is crushing it at and you’re behind on. (My therapist says that at ~3 months into quarantine is when people start to feel like everyone else is doing great and they’re the only ones who are struggling or that they’re doing much worse than everyone else, when in fact no one is really doing remotely well.) I think for a lot of us, we’re having to try to use this time to focus on ourselves and keep our current relationships above water while everyone is depressed and freaking out; to the extent that new connections are happening, I think it’s often kind of a pleasant fluke. I do think that if you want to build some infrastructure around future IRL community and connections, you could start looking into whether some of your big dreams from before the pandemic are offering any digital options – not because it will be the same, it won’t, but because you can start building half-measures of those things into your life now and then get deeper into them when it’s safe to go in person. Does the pole studio offer any digital classes? Does the local bookstore offer any digital book clubs? Are there any local sex shops that might be offering their usual IRL workshops digitally? It’ll be good for you to have something new and something potentially sexy in your schedule, and maybe you can see some names & faces over Zoom that you could recognize in a few months in person and start a conversation with.

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