Welcome to the 10^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column bi-monthly.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

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Q1.

I come from a really close family, but have since moved away from them in more than one sense of the word. I’m halfway across the country from them and I converted to Judaism, so I feel lost from a lot of the rituals we had as a family and have a deep need to create new ones. I’m also in a polyamorous relationship with only a vague, far-distant idea of marriage or kids, so a lot of traditional “family” rituals don’t really apply.

How do I go about creating new traditions and deepening connections with my created family here? Especially when all of us are so busy all the time!

A.

Kayla: This is about to be some very specific advice, so I’ll try to incorporate some broader suggestions, too, but I find food to be a great access point for rituals and traditions. Yes, schedules are busy, but the easy thing about working a meal into everyone’s schedule is that everyone has to eat. Decide who you really want to nurture as your family in your new place (friends, partners, etc.) and see if they’re all willing to commit to one meal together that is recurring (if schedules don’t allow for weekly, make it every other week, or once a month, etc., just make it consistent) and make it known that this is meaningful to you so that your loved ones will also honor the commitment. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy! People can take turns cooking or it can be potluck-style or it can be ordering a pizza. But if this idea doesn’t seem feasible or desirable to you, then maybe think of some other way you can bring your pals together for some sort of shared experience that doesn’t necessarily hinge on food. Maybe it’s going to a cultural event of some sort once a month together or a movie or going in on season tickets to the opera together.

Jehan: I think you’ve already done so much of the groundwork for establishing the rituals you desire, so good work on that front! I don’t know if you’re actively attending temple, but if you’re practicing your faith at a place of worship it might be good to see if they have some weekly or monthly events that you can attend and hopefully build community from there. I also think movie nights or game nights, or any activity connected to a hobby you share with your family of choice can anchor a regular outing or gathering at someone’s home. I’m really partial to rituals as simple as tea dates at a friend’s place, just as something calming and low maintenance that’s also an intimate way for us to share space together.

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Q2.

I’m a barista and I have a huge crush on one of my regular customers. I’d love to make her an extra-fancy drink with cute latte hearts, but she only drinks black filter coffee. How can I make her morning super special every day, and how can I have her know that it’s because I like (like LIKE like) her, not because I’m dedicated to customer service?

A.

Malic: You can’t add flair to her black coffee, but you can give her a beverage on the house or throw in a free muffin if that’s something you can get away with at work. When I was a barista and couldn’t sneak free stuff to babes, I’d charge them for a small coffee and give them a large one. 

Signaling through beverages and snacks is cute and subtle, but don’t forget about the good ol’ fashioned art of conversation. Sure, showing an interest in a customer’s like might just look like great service, but if it’s clear that you’re paying special attention to this cutie, you can open the door to flirtation.

Shelli: I have been waiting for this question and I am very ready to help you out on it! I am a barista and I have this problem two to four times a week so I feel you. You already know her order, so I am hoping that you know her name too. I am going to tell you to go bold and go hard. If she gets her order to go write your number (or IG handle because it’s 2020) with a cute SHORT note on it. “I know your coffee order – hoping to find out what your drink order is too. Text me :)” or if she is taking her coffee to stay write it on a napkin and let her know you’ll bring it over to her table. “I won’t bother you because you’re working but text me if you need a break from being a badass”. Bottom line is, you have to say something or else you will be left wondering what if and you don’t want that. What happens if she stops coming into the shop? You would have lost your chance and then I mean you could post a missed connection on Lex App but still.

It probably is nerve wecking as fuck to approach someone but what if it works out! If it doesn’t just keep riding on the high of the fact that you went for it and if you did it once you can do it again :)

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Q3.

I’ve recently started dating a girl and she is incredible and absolutely everything I’m looking for in a partner, but there’s a problem. I am still semi closeted as I’m not out to my family and some friends, and as much as I would like to be I’m not as confident as someone my age should be in my queer identity. Every time I’m with this girl it’s amazing but I feel so much fear and anxiety and I feel like I can’t give her the love and care she deserves, because of my own queer angst. She says she is ok with our relationship being low-key and my not being out and the need for secrecy, BUT she worked so hard to get to a place where she is comfortable with her identity. I don’t think it’s fair for me to make her feel even a fraction of the fear and uncertainty and angst I feel. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of my family finding out, but I’m scared of hurting this girl and I feel like every time I deny my identity and our relationship, it no longer hurts just me, but her too. What should I do? How can I make this work? Can I even make it work?

A.

Shelli: Take as long as you need to come out, if you even decide you want to at all. I will say shout out to you for being aware of what you can and can’t provide to her as a partner because of the space you are currently in. My advice may seem saddening but I suggest letting her go for now. The fears you have surrounding coming out, being a valuable and caring partner to her and more are all completely justified. Although she has assured you she is ok with it all and where you are at, they could come back to bite you in some way. While certain things seem ok or easy to manage at the start of a relationship if they are not addressed and worked on (by one or all parties) they can slowly turn and people may become resentful.

I also worry that your partner may grow weary with waiting for you to gain the confidence you need to move through all that you are going through and I would hate for you to respond to that by speeding through the work you are doing because you feel pressured.

This all being said, have a conversation with her again. Let her know your worries, your fears, what you want to work towards in yourself and with her. Even if you have already mentioned or slightly talked about these things its best to have a grand old queer heart to heart and truly open up about it all and make the decison that is best for you.

Kayla: I have absolutely been in your shoes, so I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, because I know how stressful it can be! Here is my most honest advice: There is, unfortunately, a time limit on this kind of thing. The good news is it doesn’t sound like there’s any immediate pressure on you to come out. You said yourself that you just started dating her recently, and you also said that she is definitely not pressuring you to come out, and that’s great! But the more serious the relationship gets, the harder it’s going to be to continue this way. It sounds like you do spend time with your family and the friends who you aren’t out to, and it’s going to get harder and harder to keep this person who matters to you a secret from them. Secret relationships are very common for queer people, so you are not alone! But they can create a lot of shame, intimacy issues, and anxiety if they go on for too long. If this girl makes you happy, then you need to choose your own happiness. And it sounds like she’s going to help and support you through this process, too, which makes it so much easier.

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Q4.

Hi A+! I am currently going through a breakup that is really confusing and horrible, and I am unable to separate out how to feel or what I have done to create the situation.

Basically, I met my Ex right at the beginning of the summer on Tinder, and ever since we met we hung out almost every day except when I had to work abroad, when I would be gone for 1-2 weeks at a time. She was always really bad with communication, but when we were together everything was amazing. When I came back the last time I thought she was acting a bit weird, but shrugged it off because everything seemed fine. We hung out about a month ago at this point, and I initiated the conversation about making the relationship more official / serious. She agreed wholeheartedly, even though I told her not to agree if she was uncomfortable or couldn’t handle it. (I struggle with abandonment issues). It seemed like the perfect day. She disappeared after this, and barely messaged me at all. She hasn’t replied to any of my messages. I admit some of those messages were not as sweet and kind as I could have been (for example, I just wrote one that asked for an explanation and said that she was really hurting me). I called her and she hasn’t replied yet. At this point I doubt she will. She does many drugs, and that is hard, because my ex was an alcoholic and I have lost multiple friends to overdoses and substance abuse suicides.

My question is, what do I do now? How do I get over her, and when is it just time to let go and move on to the best of my ability? It’s hard for me because I never got any closure or an explanation, and after 6 months I did feel that I deserved one.

Thank you!!

A.

Malic: I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt by someone you really liked and trusted. I wish I could read between the lines and come up with an explanation for your ex’s behavior. Break ups leave us with so many questions, and moving on means letting those questions go.

You’ve done everything you can to get to closure from your ex (and there’s nothing unkind about telling her you’re hurt and asking for an explanation!). You put your needs and feelings out there, so you don’t need to contact her again. If you’re concerned about her physical safety, reach out to a mutual friend who can confirm that she’s ok.

Once you know that your ex is safe, you can release yourself from worrying about her and focus on you. Now you get to give yourself the closure your ex won’t provide. Maybe that looks like deleting her number, donating or putting away things she gave you, rearranging your bedroom — anything that gives you that “clean slate” feeling. We can’t control other peoples’ actions. We can only control how we respond and how we take care of ourselves in the aftermath of pain, so we might as well do a damn good job.

KaeLyn: Honestly, you’ve done what you can and you need to take care of yourself now. The hard part is that you may never get closure and sometimes that’s how it is. I really hope your ex is safe and well. As someone who feels an innate urge to help people and who can always find the good in a person, I empathize. That said, it’s absolutely not on you if anything bad were to have happened to them. It sounds like you communicated clearly and also tried multiple times to check up on them. Forgive yourself for any guilt you may be carrying about how things ended. Easier said than done, but start by telling yourself that you are worthy of being treated with care and that you are not responsible for how other people act. Eventually, you’ll believe it if you say it to yourself enough. Lastly, it might help to remember that hurt people are often coming from a place of misplaced love and insecurity, not malice. Who knows why your ex ghosted you, but it’s very likely that they did feel real feelings for you and that whatever is happening right now is their own shit that they have to deal with, not at all about you. Sending love to you as your heart heals.

Bailey: Bloody hell friend, well done for getting through this. It sounds to me that even with the distance things were hard and communication was difficult for her. There are some people out there who just aren’t ready to commit and that’s not on you. I echo what Malik and KaeLyn say – you have done everything you can. It’s time to move on. That’ll take time. You may never get the closure you are looking for and it takes a lot of bravery to stop trying to find answers to situations like this. You are not responsible for her or for her actions, focus on you now. With time you will be able to see you were better off without this uncertainty in your life.

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Q5.

Friends, I moved to a relatively small town when I graduated college and then I blinked and all of a sudden I’ve been living here FIVE years. I moved here when I was very newly figuring out myself and that I was gay and the thoughts of finding queer community and my found family were not on my mind. Fast forward to today, five years later, and I’m way more comfortable (albeit not completely) in myself and being gay etc. I have struggled to find a sense of queer community where I live. I have a good group of (all straight) friends that have been nothing but loving towards me, but whenever I cross paths with what might be a queer person, my heart just flutters a little because being around other queer people just feels so important. I love my job and the people I get to see every day and I don’t like change and don’t want to move from my quaint little town. I’ve just been feeling extra down lately about the amount of people I have in my life to surround myself with that (metaphorically) look like me and could use some words to cheer me up.

A.

Abeni: Hi friend! Super important: why does “being around other queer people” feel so important? Is that unnecessary pressure you’re putting on yourself?

I am a trans woman and all of my best friends are cis women. Sometimes this makes me think I’m doing something wrong, but other times I remember that my friends are all amazing and I love them so much, so I’m not doing anything wrong! That’s just to say that if you’re feeling like you *should* have more queer friends, then quit should-ing on yourself! You have great friends and that’s great!

Also! Two of my three best friends live in different states from me. And we don’t talk that often. When we do it’s great, and I know they love me and are there for me and I am there for them! Now THAT’s just to say that, if you feel like you *should* have queer friends who are nearby distance-wise, maybe you don’t? Long-distance and online friends are a thing.

Now, if you genuinely feel like something’s missing, and your straight friends and/or long-distance friends aren’t cutting it, then you have to either find some online/distance queers to become friends with or find some local queers. The first one is more easy – facebook, Autostraddle, social media, etc. are great ways to meet queer people online. There are online groups for hobbies you like, for your job type, for your kink or flavor of sexuality, for your fave TV show, whatever! The second one, though, is more difficult.

I don’t know what town you’re in, so I can’t give you specific advice, but are you the type to stay friends with people you’ve dated? I am, and to be honest most of my friends are people I’ve dated or wanted to date. Dating is a great way to make friends! If you’re single and/or non-monogamous, that is.

If you’re not, it’s harder! But the process can be kind of similar. You need to actually say “Hi” to that person at the grocery store who you think is queer and chat them up! You need to go on Lex or whatever people are using these days and say “Hey I want a friend.” It’s likely there are other queers in your small town in the same situation as you! You need to go to queer shit if and when it happens and scope out the scene. You need to get on Meetup and find queer meetups. You need to seek out queer groups of people doing whatever hobby you like to do. You need to start a book club at your local bookstore to read some gay-ass book and then post about it in one of your town’s facebook groups and try to get other queers out to join. You need to go to a group at your town, or nearby bigger town’s, LGBTQ center. Things like that!

You can do it! Good luck.

Riese: There are so many benefits to feeling like you have queer community and I understand your craving for it! Aside from Abeni’s suggestions, you could try going on a queer-centric vacation or attending an event where you expect lots of queer attendees — maybe a nearby city has one of your fave queer artists coming through or a film festival, or traveling out of town to attend a Women’s Music Festival or one of a few pool-centric situations. You could place an ad on Lex saying you want queer friends. Honestly, when we launched this website ten years ago, a majority of our readers only had queer community here, in the comments of this website (they then formed outside chat rooms and things like that), and eventually formed connections that could translate to real life, but often not. Sometimes online friendships can fill some of the void although certainly not all of it. Good luck out there!

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Q6.

Hello amazing AS team! Long-time fan, first-time supplicant.

My gf (now ex, I suppose) ended things recently and said we’d be better as friends. We weren’t compatible – I wanted a lot more emotional closeness out of the relationship (2 month, monogamous, LDR with a few visits) than she did. The break-up was amicable, though the first couple of days afterward I read through so many AS breakup articles that I figured a membership was long overdue (sorry, I really should have done it sooner). Physically speaking though, we did have lots of fun when together, and I find myself contemplating asking her whether she might be interested in shifting gears to friends with benefits. At this juncture I think I have mostly grieved and accepted the loss — in the sense that I don’t think there’s any chance of getting her back as a girlfriend and I know that if I were to even try I would be setting myself up for a renewed world of unnecessary pain. In the weeks before it ended she already said a few times that maybe we could just have something casual, which is currently giving me hope that FWB could work.

On my side, I feel like I’m done with having a heart for a while and don’t particularly want to wade back into the Swamp of Feelings or look for any relationship that involves the prospect of strong emotion for some time. But I do want to be friends with her and also my body wants what it wants. I’d be grateful to hear your thoughts and advice for: 1) How do I check whether I am in the right headspace to make the decision about whether to ask her about whether she’s open to non-romantic casual hookups? (e.g. do I need to ask myself whether I would feel ok if she also sleeps with other people?); 2) When and how to broach the topic (e.g. do I strictly need to ask for e.g. 3 months of no-contact first?); 3) If anyone has tried this, what helped the situation work well and what made it go down like a lead balloon? Obviously any indication of unresolved feelings on either side would be a giant flashing DO NOT PASS GO sign, but what other things should I watch out for? I don’t want to mess up a friendship if I can help it. Thank you very much!

A.

Shelli: Welcome to A+ baybee!!! Also – I have a feeling that you aren’t ready for this shit yet.

I am the type that once something is done, it’s done. All the questions that you asked that are specifically geared towards a friends with benefits situation with your ex. I suggest taking her out of the equation and figuring out how you would answer these in any casual situation.

Think about how you would feel asking ANYONE to be casual, What rules would you require in ANY future casual relationships, etc. I have had casual relationships and the ones that work the most are the ones where we talk about it. All parties come in with their hard and soft rules, discuss what happens if someone catches feelings and be real about what it is. You need to use your mouth for communicating before you get to using it for other shit when it comes to casual relationships.

Also, having friends with benefits doesn’t mean you don’t have to have a heart or feelings, in fact it betters it. Not wanting to get serious or romantically connected is one thing but turning off your feelings and fucking, in my opinion, is unsafe and hints at deeper problems.

Your body wants her now but there are other people in the world who your cunty compass will point towards. I would hold off on it all for now, keep dealing with your shit, use your new A+ Membership to search for sex toy reviews and get yourself a little present to get off.

Carolyn: You say that you “think I have mostly grieved and accepted the loss” but the first words you write are “my gf” so I’m going to go ahead and guess that you haven’t totally accepted that it’s over. I think it is absolutely possible for exes to become friends with benefits, or to be friends, or to have sex sometimes, or even to full-on date again — but as you yourself write, there can’t be any murkiness about feelings or about what’s happening in an exes-turned-friends-with-benefits situation, and it seems like here there would be.

Bailey: Slow down. Don’t do it. At the very least find other people to sleep with. If further down the line you still feel friends with benefits vibes, talk to her about it. Give yourself time to grieve and feel like friends again.

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Q7.

I live at home with no real way of moving or getting a job due to disability. I’m a trans guy and my mother refuses to accept that. We keep having arguments whenever I ask her to use my pronouns, except she doesn’t say the arguments are about that. But she insists on calling me my birth name and female gendered insults. So I back down. I feel bad for backing down. How do I change her so she stops acting like this and knows it’s important to me?

A.

Drew: It sounds like you’re already doing all you can to explain to your mother the importance of correctly gendering you. Beyond that, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to “change her.” Only she can decide to listen to what you’re saying. Since you’re currently unable to create more physical boundaries with her I don’t think you need to feel bad at all for backing down. I think you need to do whatever is in your control that makes you feel best. I definitely support you continuing to reiterate the importance of this to her when you feel up to it, but more than anything I’d encourage you to look elsewhere for the validation you seek. You can’t change your mom, but you can choose to be around other people who see you for who you are and the gender that you have. Maybe you already have this kind of support system! I hope so! If you do then I’d focus on those people more than I would your mother. That’s not to say any of this is easy and I understand from experience that no matter who else you have in your life it can be really hard when a family member refuses to acknowledge your transition. It can hurt a lot less when you have other people to turn to though.

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Q8.

This is gonna be long!

I need advice on how to patch things up with my friend’s girlfriend. Let’s say my friend is Kate, and her girlfriend is Amy. Kate tried to break up with Amy, but Amy didn’t let her. When they made up, Kate threw me under the bus and partially blamed me for the attempted breakup because Kate was coming to me for a lot of advice during this time. While Kate has acknowledged that I didn’t try to sway a breakup, Amy is convinced that I hate her because of these conversations.

I want us to all get along as best we can. I’m very neutral on Amy. I used to have (1-sided and very secret) feelings for Kate and I did a pretty good job putting those aside when she would come to me for relationship advice. But a part of me feels guilty for not setting boundaries with Kate, in light of my historical secret feelings. I feel like I am on very thin ice. I want to maintain my friendship with Kate and feel something needs to be done for Amy and I to be more comfortable around each other.

A.

Archie: I *NEVER* understood why people tell their partners the advice their friend’s gave them about the relationship. Of course you told Kate to break up with Amy, Kate wanted to break up with Amy! You were Kate’s pal first, you echoed and encouraged Kate to act on her own feelings. Amy (and any partner) is being childish if she doesn’t understand that. And Kate’s being childish to even say anything, as if she was acting on your guidance alone and not her own dissatisfaction with the relationship. I’ve been in your situation (minus crushing on the person) and let me tell you: this isn’t your problem and the dynamic is different now, sorry. If Kate distances herself because of Amy, that’s a choice she’s making and not a lot you can do about it. If you keep hanging out, keep the conversations about Amy super neutral. If Kate complains, substitute any advice or guidance to “wow, that sounds hard” because Kate obviously doesn’t want your actual opinions. Make sure Kate knows Amy is invited to any sort of group activity, but I think time and space are on your side here, until the two of them feel more secure in their own relationship.

Shelli: Let me tell you something – you need to stop dealing with both of these people.

Listen to what is going on “Kate TRIED to break up with Amy but she wouldn’t let her” (Excuse me? Won’t let me? Smells toxic to me). “Kate threw me under the bus” (Why is she bringing up your discussions in the midst of her attempted break up?) “Amy is convinced I hate her because of these conversations” (So she is mad because like any friendship you gave your friend some advice and she is holding it against you?)

All of this mixed with the unrequited love (Even if the feelings have passed) makes me feel like you don’t need to be friends with anyone in this situation. If anything take away from this whole experience that you need to set boundaries in future friendships. If you feel uncomfortable about giving advice, talking about certain subjects or anything else, a true homie would understand that. You also don’t need to be friends with all your friends partners, you can say “Hey” at brunch and keep it moving.

So go right on ahead and let Kate know that yall need to go separate ways and keep the advice of LightSkinKeisha close to you during the process “Don’t hit my line about no drama Ima hang it on up”

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Q9.

How can I gently reject someone (a friend who has feelings for me that I don’t have for her) when they have super low self-esteem?

A.

Carolyn: “I value our friendship and I am only interested in platonic friendship with you.”

Jehan: This is sooo hard and I feel for you! I wish we had a little more detail to go on because I’m thinking now about low self-esteem’s unfortunate bedfellow which is a lack of boundaries. Is that the case here? Hopefully not, but in either case I think Carolyn’s script is a good one. It’s important not to try and cushion the response with praise because I think that often blurs the lines for someone who’s looking for an “in.” Also, because you’re friends, I’m sure the impulse is there to help her manage her feelings for you which is something any other friend EXCEPT YOU can help her with. It will be uncomfortable. But hopefully she has enough of a support system that she’s able to lean on someone else for the reinforcement she may need.

If your friend shows any signs of being pushy or like she’s not attending to her feelings, I think it’s totally fine and necessary to come back stronger and say reiterate your expressed boundaries, outline what kind of behavior is making you uncomfortable and let her know to cease and desist.

Valerie Anne: This is so, so, hard and like Jehan said, there will be a period of time where it will be uncomfortable and you have to push through it, but it’s better to talk it out as soon as possible. I would try to keep your language about your feelings – Carolyn’s line about valuing the friendship, for example – instead of things like “you’re not really my type” or “I don’t think we’re a good match” etc. Sometimes people need a little space after a conversation like that, but depending on your relationship you might want to try to plan something shortly after that conversation to assure her (assuming you still want this) that your friendship isn’t in jeopardy even though you don’t return her romantic feelings.

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Q10.

My friend is really mean to her wife in front of all of us: she’s constantly belittling her, speaking down to her, and sometimes even for her in social situations. It’s reached a point where people who only barely know my friend know this about her! The wife (who, by the way, is awesome – despite what her partner seems to think) seems resigned to all of this. Do we say something?

A.

Archie: IMO, people like an audience. They do things on purpose, so folks can watch. This often happens with different relationship dynamics and often in toxic ones. They want their friends to see how often their partner messes up, often belittling the person in front of others, to make themselves feel smart or justified in their contempt/annoyance. You should absolutely call your friend out. I’d pull them aside (without other friends or partners) and ask what’s up, that it seems really harsh and unnecessary, and that it’s making folks uncomfortable. I’d also be like…it doesn’t seem like you’re happy with your wife? I’d also pull the wife, who is awesome, away to chat alone, letting her know what I witness, that it seems mean and rude, and to make sure she’s okay. Maybe this is a playful dynamic that has gone too far! Maybe your friend is just a mean partner and once it’s pointed out, the wife will realize it’s not all in her head. Maybe your friends need to break up, and they need some encouragement to do so! Friends don’t let friends be assholes, otherwise you’re not really friends.

KaeLyn: This doesn’t sound healthy. Yikes. I say this as someone who absolutely has a “playful arguing in public” dynamic in my relationship. We will sometimes joke about each other in front of people or even get into a seemingly heated debate about something like a TV show, but we never actually try to hurt each other. That’s something different. Honestly, it sounds like your friend is trying to humiliate their wife and, I’d say this is a red flag for an abusive relationship. I second Archie’s suggestion to talk to your friend alone. It doesn’t sound like their behavior is OK and if they think it’s OK, that’s a big problem. If you can get to the wife alone, it is absolutely a good idea to see if she’s OK and let her know you don’t like the way she’s treated. You don’t need to play the role of counselor or therapist to either of them. There are professionals for that, but it might help them both see what’s going on. Or, if it’s something they already know, it would give them the heads up that other people are noticing it too and that it’s not OK. It might be what they need to end the relationship or to seek help or both.

Al(aina): I think that you probably should! Maybe don’t make a huge deal out of it, and say something like “lol be nice to your wife!” as a gentle way to bring it up. If that doesn’t change her behavior, that might be a sign that something more is going on, and you can have a more serious conversation with her as you see fit. It has to be hard continuously observing your friend’s meanness all the time without saying anything so I think you should say something! It could, hopefully, all be nothing but if it makes you feel weird, say something.

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Q11.

I don’t have a ton of queer lady friends in my immediate vicinity and I can never tell if a queer lady is hitting on me or just being nice to me… Then I read this story and found myself maybe relating a little too much to it! Help!

A.

Himani: So, I’m not really sure which aspect of this story felt relatable to you, but I’m going to go with some combination of limited relationship experience, feeling undesirable/unwanted, and fear of rejection, rather than, you know, the misogynistic sides of it. You say you “can never tell if a queer lady is hitting on me or just being nice to me,” but in that situation, I think the first question you need to ask is if you are interested in pursuing anything beyond friendship with the queer lady? If you are, then you need to communicate that. Yes that’s a terrifying prospect, and I’m not really in a position to talk anyone out of that, but Autostraddle has all sorts of thoughtful resources on how to approach someone you’re interested in. It’s also possible that maybe you aren’t! Do the work of figuring out your own feelings rather than going along with something based on someone else’s initiative. I also really recommend advice Carolyn and Jehan give in response to another question in this round of A+ Advice Box from someone who was single for a long time, wants to return to dating, and has low confidence about it.

With regards to feelings of being undesirable/unwanted and fear of rejection, it might be worth finding a queer-frieindly therapist to talk through where those feelings are coming from? If that’s inaccessible for you at this time, do you have close friends or family you feel comfortable opening up to about this? If you are struggling with this, you need to find a way to understand and cope with those feelings. A relationship isn’t going to make any of those feelings go away. Which isn’t to say that you have to “fix” yourself of those feelings before you can ever enter into a relationship – I think the notion is bullshit, frankly. But you can’t expect that being in a relationship is going to somehow make all of that disappear or be irrelevant in your life. Even if you find a partner tomorrow, you, at some point, will be faced with confronting those feelings, their causes, and their manifestations in your life one way or another.

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Q12.

I’m in my mid 20s, bi and not exactly out to the family. I have a 17 year old cousin who has had a rough life to say the least and lives too far for me to give support in person. She is currently living with very religious family friends who are seemingly very nice/supportive but I don’t know how they feel about LGBT. She mentioned to me that she is interested in YA books that are essentially lesbian coming of age stories. Any recommendations for books? or general gifts for 17 year old girls in rural midwest??

A.

Casey: I love that you are wanting to support your fellow queer cousin with queer YA books! The first book that comes to mind is The Miseducation of Cameron Post by emily m danforth. It’s a beautiful coming of gayge story set in rural Montana (which is apparently not the Midwest but adjacent–sorry I had to google what states qualified since I’m Canadian!). It’s one of the best YA stories about (lesbian) personal growth I’ve read and it very much has a rural feel. Other YA books with a lesbian coming of age story set in a rural context I’d recommend are: Radical by E.M. Kokie, Giraffe People by Jill Malone, and Deliver Us from Evie by M.E. Kerr. Good luck!

Valerie Anne: I recommend Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawkins if you think she’ll like cute cheesy romancey novel, or When We Were Magicby Sarah Gailey if you think she’d be into a darker, magical mystery. These are technically not coming of age stories but they’re teens who happen to be queer and are just living their lives, which I think can also be impactful.

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Q13.

What the hell kinda shoes do I wear to be a professional gay adult? Recommendations, please!

A.

Kayla: Maybe this is the too cliche answer but literally Doc Martens. They last! Forever! I’m someone who wears shoes until they’re literally falling apart, but I don’t have to worry about that with Docs because they last! Forever!!!!! (You might have to replace the shoelaces every six months to a year depending on how often you wear them and the canvas styles require a little more maintenance but nothing major!). Now, since you said professional I assume you mean you need something office/work appropriate? Docs come in more styles than just the standard boot and I recommend the ones called 1461 SMOOTH, VINTAGE 1461, or 1461 BEX for something a little dressier or any variation of their chelsea boots. There are also heeled options. They are pricey, but THEY LAST FOREVER.

Drew: Oh my God, Kayla, I was going to say Docs, but then felt like too much of a cliché and doubted my assessment of “professional.” But yes you’re right there are so many style options!! I literally have two pairs of Docs – one for outdoorsy/bad weather stuff and another that are nice and pretty for professional stuff. I guess it depends on the work environment, but I’ve never felt weird wearing mine in professional spaces.

Casey: I would like to add to the suggestions of Doc Martens that Blundstones can function very much the same versatile way! I only have one pair, which I wear to work, hiking, shopping, basically everywhere. I might follow Drew’s advice and get another pair so I can keep one pair looking nice and profesh and let the other get dirty and scuffed. I really think Blundstones can be dressed up or down depending on your preference, and that they have a very nice west coast dykey feel about them. Maybe you don’t live on the west coast, but I think the look will translate to other places as well!

Al(aina): Oh wow, so much Doc love! I was gonna suggest a loafer. I love my fucking loafers. And if you get even a kind of decent pair, you can get them resoled forever and ever. They work with socks without socks with tights with pants with skirts with dresses with shorts there is nothing a loafer doesn’t work well with. I could go on and on about the joys of a loafer. I would go for the burgundy color because they look good with all ~basic~ colors, but you know your aesthetic better than I do.

Nicole: I have to agree with the Blundstone love!!! I wear mine basically every day. Often with skirts and dresses at work! But then, I live in a very wet, rainy city so there aren’t many options.

Here are some more shoes to lust after:

•  Atheist Shoes. They aren’t quite my personal style, but they look so good on the right person. I went to their store when in Berlin and they were very kind, and my girlfriend has multiple pairs and loves them. They hold up for years and years. The company is transparent about where the shoes are made and where their materials are sourced from, too. Their customer service will also talk to you and help you choose the right shoe!
•  Fluevogs. I want so many Fluevog shoes, even though some of them wind up looking wilder than anything I’ve seen in a deep ocean nature doc. They’re pricey, but check their sale section! They usually have a sale going on, and deep price cuts when they do. In general, these are statement shoes. You can also sort by heel height, so that’s convenient.
• Tomboy Toes! I don’t actually know anyone who has these, so cannot speak to quality or comfort, but these are masc dress shoes for smaller feet! It’s thrilling! I love this. They are also pretty affordable as far as dress shoes go, so might be good if you’re just building up your professional wardrobe and need to get a couple different options!

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Q14.

Looking for thoughts! Here’s the situation: You’re single. She’s an acquaintance of yours not really in your friend circle that you don’t see very often at all. She’s also married. (Openness of marriage is unknown at this point.) You are hanging out in a group. Her wife is out of town. You both get hammered and end up hooking up. It’s a one-time thing. Would you consider yourself in the wrong at all or “responsible” for not stopping what happened, knowing she’s married?

A.

Carolyn: You can only be responsible for you, not for managing someone else or their relationship or information you do not know. You made a decision to sleep with someone married, and someone married made a decision to sleep with you. You might face social consequences from your friend circle if relevant; she might face consequences from her wife if relevant. But also those consequences might be a series of high fives! You can’t know.

Jehan: I’m mostly just going to echo what Carolyn has already said, to emphasize that since it’s not your relationship, it’s not your responsibility to manage the relationship or the behavior of others. However, there is a difference between being in the wrong and being responsible for a situation and, in a case like this, I think it’s important not to conflate the two. While I don’t think you have a responsibility to manage someone else’s marriage, I always think it’s better to err on the side of having as much information as possible. Why not ask if she’s in an open marriage before you’re already at the hook up level? My guess is that something about this is bugging you because you took the time to write in for advice. I think that’s the part of yourself you should attend to and explore a bit more.

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Q15.

Okay so I know you’ve answered a million varieties of “help I’m in love with my straight best friend” and I did go and read several of those advice ones before writing in myself but I just… really need help. The crux of the problem is that I’m not positive she’s straight because SHE’S not positive she’s straight. She moved to another country out of college and in our last skype chat she was like “I haven’t been attracted to women before but now I’m not so sure” and “remember how we used to go out to the bar and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes and the waiter was convinced we were an adorable couple” and “I really miss cuddling on the couch with you and watching movies.” (Unsurprisingly, I do remember all of that. I also remember a discussion about how we’d make excellent co-parents. And lots of cuddling.) Then we were talking about sex (which is normal for our relationship) and I said I liked having oral sex with women way better than with men and she was like “I think I’d be really good at that because I have such a long tongue,” at which point she stuck out her tongue to demonstrate and, spoilers, it was long and I may or may not have entirely bluescreened for thirty seconds or so. She’s visiting soon, so we’ll actually get to see each other in person. What do I do?

Our relationship has always been kinda flirty and I just? don’t know? Should I flirt with her? If she flirts with me, should I flirt back? If she makes a move, what do I do? I don’t want to be just her experiment because it would mean more than that to me but if it were the first step towards real dating, I’d be 100% in. Part of me really likes the idea of being the one to introduce her to sapphic sex and part of me thinks it’s a long-overdue spark to our love story but part of me thinks that is a terrible idea that will at best get my heart broken and at worst lose a friendship I care about. Do I have any hope here? Should I make firm boundaries and stick to them and let the dream go? Should I throw caution to the winds and pursue my happily-ever-after? Please help!

A.

Drew: This is probably terrible advice, and maybe someone else can jump in with different advice and you can weigh all the advice and go from there, but, I don’t know! I say go for it! She’s obviously flirting with you and whether that flirting has any intentions behind or not I don’t know, but it’s clear that you want more and I think it’s worth following that want. In a lot of ways I think the line has already been crossed because your feelings are already there. You can, of course, shut down those feelings, but you could also do that later. Will it be harder if you’ve shared how you feel or if you’ve hooked up? Sure. But it seems worth the risk.

Malic: I’m with Drew — go for it if the opportunity presents itself! Just make sure you’re following your friend’s cues. It sounds like you’re aware of all the ways this could crash and burn, but at this point, you either risk ruining the friendship by hooking up or you remain stuck in an uncomfortable friendship wrought with unspoken feelings.

That said, make sure you trust your friend’s intentions. Some straight women like to flirt with queer folks, including friends, for affirmation. It’s mean, but it happens, and it can be heartbreaking for the queer buddy who logically assumes the flirtation is going somewhere.

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Q16.

I am looking for a group for women survivors of sexual assault where the assailant is also a woman. Do you know of any resources? Especially peer to peer?

Thanks so much.

A.

KaeLyn: I don’t know of a group or peer-to-peer support specifically, but there are resources for sexual assault survivors who are LGBTQ. The Anti-Violence Project in NYC focuses on all forms of violence that impact the LGBTQ communities specifically, including sexual violence. They have support groups, though I don’t know if they have what you are looking for, in particular. They also have free short-term professional counseling available if you live near NYC. If you aren’t in the NYC area, they coordinate the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, a list of member orgs that address violence across the U.S.

You are absolutely not alone. Sexual assault and intimate partner violence are both prevalent within LGBTQ communities, though widely underreported. I hope the Anti-Violence Project can offer you some services if you live in the NYC area or help you find other local resources that meet your needs. Sending love to you and so glad that you are seeking the support you deserve.

Rachel: I know of The Network/La Red based out of Boston, which is for survivors of partner abuse/sexual assault in LGBTQ communities – I’m not sure where you’re based, but they do have a hotline, and may be able to recommend more in-person resources or suggestions on how to find them. I’m wishing you the best in finding affirming and healing resources for you and/or your loved ones on this. ❤️

Natalie: I echo KaeLyn’s suggestion about AVP and also recommend the RAINN hotline which should be able to point you in the right direction. Also, check your local LGBT Center to see if they have any offerings.

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Q17.

I’ve been single for a LONG time for various reasons, but ultimately I’m ready to start dating again. I am 34 and I have a lot of confidence in a lot of areas in life but when it comes to asking a woman out…. ZERO CONFIDENCE. I feel stupid and shy and like I would be bothering her or even worse offending her. I create the worst case scenarios in my head. Last week I had an over night layover in San Francisco and I was visiting a friend in the Castro district and I tried to talk to a woman at a bar and I started to ask her a question but she either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me, when I didn’t get a response I chickened out immediately and ran back to the comfort of my friend. It took A LOT to talk myself into even approaching this woman and then when I didn’t get a response I literally ran away. How can I find confidence in myself and courage to just talk to a woman? Ask a woman out?

A.

Carolyn: I find that whenever I put too much pressure on a situation, no matter what it is, it’s easy to get caught in my head, to overthink, and to feel like the stakes are super super high, so the key is to trick myself into removing my self-imposed pressure. In this situation, it seems like you’re afraid of rejection, so I challenge you to gamify it: your goal is to talk to (pick a number, let’s say) ten women in the next (pick a length of time, let’s say) two weeks. The point isn’t to make a connection – it’s to approach and create an opportunity to see whether there could be one. Turn to someone next to you at a bar and ask what drink she ordered because it looks good (if true). Chat with someone in line. Message a match first on tinder (with more than just “hi” please). Reduce the importance of any given interaction in your mind, and get used to people leaving your message unread, smiling and turning back to their conversation, telling you that they actually have a monogamous boyfriend, or whatever benign forms that small moments of rejection take. Someone choosing to ignore you is not the end of the world – it’s a chance to move on to someone who won’t.

Jehan: So I’ll come right out and admit that I am pretty bad at spitting game. Or, at least, I had to realize that my short game is not so great, but that my long game is on point (if I do say so myself). Not everyone is interested in sticking around to see the long game come to fruition, but I have personally found that cultivating those types of relationships has worked so much better for me because they relieve the pressure of “I have to make an amazing first impression this instant” and allow for more of a “let’s see where this goes” approach. I don’t know if you’re only trying to meet women in bars, but I’d also try to maybe join a Meet Up or other sort of event organized around a shared love of a hobby, type of music, etc. That way you’re guaranteed to have something to have a shared interest and something to talk about. Something that might be even more low key is approaching women at cultural events, like gallery shows, talks, or other events where there’s a cocktail situation and mingling is encouraged. If you approach these as opportunities to potentially make genuine human connection, not specifically to meet someone date-worthy, you open yourself up to all types of possible connections and relationships that can eventually lead to dates (or more)!

Rachel: I know people hate apps, and that’s fair, but in this case I think it might be helpful to try out Tinder, Lex or OkCupid and would recommend giving it a shot! One thing I think is helpful in those contexts is that you’re given very clear cues by the app that someone else has also indicated that they’re interested in you, so you have a clear idea of whether it’s just your own internal narrative telling you that you’re bothering someone and they wish you would go away. It gives you a chance to think carefully and be intentional and in control about how you want to present your best self and the things about yourself you’re proudest of and make you feel hot, rather than being in a bar or club environment where you’re working from a baseline of feeling nervous or overwhelmed. Also, if someone ISN’T interested, you don’t get the negative experience of someone rejecting you or actively ignoring you, which can make it easier to build up your confidence.

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Q18.

Hey team! This is a very weird, perhaps self-sabotaging, situation I’m in and I’d love some input. I think the boundaries are less clear with fellow gays, but maybe I’m just justifying my own bs, ya know?

So! I met this guy, crying in a club, a while back, we got really close, really fast. Turns out, he told me a ton of lies re: his life, but then admitted them after about a week of friendship. there was a lot of crying (by him) and it felt kind of like being in a relationship (but we’re both gay). Over the next few months, he met a few of my friends and had enormous fights with them/tried to extort them, had enormous fights with me and threw my possessions in the ocean. We fell out for a good, for a few months, and then I ran into him crying in another club. we started being friends again, basically on the basis of both being v fucked in the head, and with the intention of better boundaries. We hang out quite a lot now, he still starts shit with everyone I know, but makes fewer racist and homophobic statements, he also has no money so I pay for most things (but he gives me his clothes…….) and we fight like a terrible straight couple every time we take an uber.

So, far from ideal! He also has borderline and has attempted suicide a few times in the time I’ve known him. I’ve done lots of horrible shit in my time, so to cut him off for being too mentally unwell and unreliable, seems really shitty. I also don’t like him that much (because he sucks), though, so maybe this is just like a bizarre hobby. Blerg. Anyway. Sorry this is so long, any thoughts appreciated!

A.

Drew: You don’t even like this person!! You said he sucks!! This would be a different situation if his friendship brought you joy. But I’d still probably suggest moving on. What it sounds like to me is because you’ve made mistakes in your past you feel like this is the kind of person you deserve to have in your life. And that is not true. Because your issues with this person aren’t mistakes he once made – they’re his consistent daily behaviors since you met him. You deserve better people in your life than him. You owe him nothing. Cut him off and say bye.

Kayla: I’ll tell you the same thing I tell people in relationships that are on the verge of ending: If the relationship takes more from you than it gives, then it’s time to go! It sounds like you get very, very little from this relationship (like literally just clothes), and not only do you give a lot more but this friend quite literally takes from you. There are so many people in the world…you don’t need to force yourself to be friends with someone you straight up don’t like and who causes you harm.

Carolyn: So this person lies, exhorts your friends, makes “fewer” racist and homophobic statements, makes you pay for everything, throws your shit into the ocean, picks fights in Ubers, and you also “don’t like him that much.” Being “friends” (spoiler alert: you can’t be real actual friends with someone who lies to and manipulates you, that is not what friends do) seems like it feels like your penance for the “lots of horrible shit [you’ve] done in [your] time” — like you deserve to have a shitty person in your life because you at times have been shitty. You do not. Cut this person out of your life and move on.

Archie: It sounds to me that there’s more going on with this relationship other than you two not liking each other. You say, “maybe this is like a bizarre hobby.” I wonder how this relationship is taking away or subtracting from other potential friendships you could be having? I’m curious if you two keep hanging out because other friendships aren’t thriving the way they could be. I, personally, don’t hang out with people who bring racist or homophobic people around and I wouldn’t be surprised if your other pals are distancing themselves from you/him. I think you know you need to set up boundaries and distance but it seems like you’re possibly drawn into the drama of it all. I challenge you to make yourself super busy, with old friends and potential new pals, without bringing him along. Join a book club, go to parties where he won’t be, make a Lex post for new queer pals with similar interests. You don’t need to have a conversation with him about dropping him, just that you’re super busy. Focus on the friends who aren’t shitty to you and make yourself unavailable to hang with him. Let time and distance do the work. If, in the future, you can have a conversation about this with him without feeling guilty back into a friendship, awesome. If not, that’s fine too.

Jehan:There’s a lot of good advice being given in response to your question, so I just want to second what everyone else is saying, and also just ask you to really reflect on what this relationship is giving you. I think everyone who reads this will include this guy is supremely shitty, and it doesn’t seem like you’re unclear on that point either, so I think the bigger issue is to identify what benefit you receive from this relationship. I’ve often found that in the problematic relationships I entertained that I was looking to externalize an issue I was having with myself and to see it reflected in another person. By that I mean that you pointed to “horrible shit” you’ve done in your own life, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve really dealt with those past actions or made peace with them. Are you avoiding doing that work because this “friend” and his shit seem easier to deal with? It also sounds like you’re potentially seeking some sort of atonement, and if so, it won’t be found in keeping someone so horrible around. Like others have said, I’d take a good look at what you feel you’re getting from this relationship and what you’re afraid you’ll be left with once it’s over.

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Q19.

Do any Americans have advice for the UK as to how to get through the next 5 years? Boris seems like Trump lite and I don’t want any form of Trump running our country.

A.

Himani: I’m pretty sure I and everyone I knew went through all the stages of grief after the 2016 US presidential election. It sounds like you’re currently in denial, as I’m pretty sure Boris is already running your country… At some point, you’ll have to let reality sink in, but give yourself time right now to process what just happened. A lot of people will say “take time for self care; don’t read the news all the time.” That is pretty solid advice, but I also think we all have a responsibility to know what is going on as the world burns. My personal approach to this is sometimes just reading headlines and making conscious decisions around the latest events that I’m not going to really know fully. It can be helpful to take whatever actions feel within your bandwidth as the opportunities arise; accept that what you feel like you can do will always be subject to change, so cut yourself some slack when you find yourself without the energy or motivation to go to another rally or whatever. Getting involved with organizations working on issues you care about and that are under assault by the new administration can help with feeling like you’re making a difference; it can also be incredibly disheartening when you see just how truly awful the problems are at the individual, personal level. Basically, there’s no good answer here. Do what you can, knowing that you will witness and experience a lot of pain along the way. And then hope for the best five years from now? But also, make a plan for how you will be involved in bringing about the changes that are needed five years from now. I don’t know what that looks like in the UK but in terms of the US comparison, I’m talking about voter registration, get out the vote drives, canvassing, phone banking, etc.

Jehan: Trump’s election brought about a particularly difficult moment for me and, in particular, so many other BIPOC I know, because of the surprised, shocked, and fearful reactions of well-intentioned White people who couldn’t believe something like this happened in this country. While his presidency has been incredibly heinous, I think that frustration on election nights and in the months directly following was from people who saw this coming. I cannot speak from a deeply informed place about what’s happening in the UK, but I think that so many social justice groups in the US had been warning about this type of domestic terrorism and fascism and their warnings hadn’t been heard or heeded. I don’t know your background and don’t want to presume anything here, but I think regardless of how you identify ethnically or racially, it’s important to turn to the work of activists of color and activists from other marginalized communities who have a healthy track record of fighting the ills being wrought by Boris’ election. Help amplify the work they’ve already been doing and listen to their directives about various strategies and tactics to employ to help fight the good fight. Part of the Trump machine’s tactic is a continued onslaught of atrocities that make it hard to stay informed about everything they’re up to and, at least for me, lead to a sense of being perpetually overwhelmed and a desire to just shut down. Whatever self care strategies you have in your arsenal, put them into place, like, immediately. It is an absolute shit storm, for sure. But it’s only remotely manageable if you’re first taking care of yourself and second doing what you can to push back against the regime.

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Q20.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a couple of years now and am happier than I’ve ever been in my life. We’re building a life together and my future looks so bright. The one thing that seems to be a thorn in my side (despite years of teaching sex-ed and knowing it shouldn’t be) is that… she does not orgasm during sex. She has never orgasmed in her life. I have my own theories about why (namely trauma/body related feels/past relationships) and can rationalize the hell out of why this is totally fine and our sex life is amazing (truly truly amazing) and I am incredibly fulfilled and happy.

But it’s still hard??? I feel like a failure! I feel like a bad lay. I feel like I should be able to do something else. I hear jokes about cis dudes who don’t make their girlfriends cum and I feel ashamed. I feel like all the people who think bisexual ladies suck are right. Obviously, the feelings that come out of this are a lot to do with my own journey which is why they live mostly in my journals, however we do have open dialogue about our sex life in a way that I really love. I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that I am somehow bad because I can’t make my girlfriend orgasm. And part of me has this weird internal timeline of “I can’t commit in a super real way until I’ve given her an orgasm,” which wow sounds so gross when I wrote it! Because it is! It’s her body not mine and yet it is my sex life so it’s a real confusing ball of feelings.

Help??

A.

Carolyn: It sounds like you already know this, but just in case: orgasms aren’t how you tell whether sex is good or not. Not everyone wants to orgasm, not everyone likes to orgasm (ask anyone who gets a migraine the second they come, even sometimes), no one is responsible for anyone else’s orgasm, and making sex about an orgasm is a surefire way to have shitty sex. So is approaching someone else’s orgasm (or lack thereof) as a problem to rationalize or solve, or as a requirement for when you “commit in a super real way.” You say you have an open dialogue about your sex life, but have you asked your girlfriend how she feels about not orgasming? It’s possible she just doesn’t want to, and that’s fine. It’s possible there’s something else going on, and that’s fine too — but that’s hers to share, not yours to guess or overthink or take personally.

Bailey: If she thought you were a “bad lay,” I doubt she’d be with you pal. Orgasm is certainly not a problem to fix or a result to aim for and I feel like you know this. It could be worth opening the door to ongoing conversations with your girlfriend about how she feels about the intimacy and sex you have. Has she told you how it makes her feel? Maybe it’s (good) different, special in a way, maybe she feels an extra sense of connection or excitement with you – that’s a good thing, right? It might not be an orgasm, but she’s feeling something that’s “truly truly amazing!” Don’t let go of that.

Rachel: You’re super right that it’s her body and her experience and her set of priorities, etc, and definitely there’s some room to work here around listening to what she’s telling you despite your own anxieties, but I wonder if it would also be helpful for you to do some work thinking about your personal definitions of and experiences around sex and orgasm separate from her? Maybe it would be helpful for you to explore more kinds of sex, either for yourself with your girlfriend or in masturbation or in porn, that aren’t centered around or are entirely without orgasm — intentionally noticing all the parts of sex you enjoy for yourself with your partner that aren’t you orgasming, reading or talking with other people whose experience of fulfilling sex doesn’t include orgasms by choice (some kinky people who play without genital sex, some tops, etc). Giving yourself some more examples to mentally draw from and feel bodily sure of in terms of really good sex that isn’t orgasm-dependent might be helpful!

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Q21.

Hey hi hello! I have a binder question: I know it is very bad to wear a binder for more than 8-10 hours at a time. However, I regularly have days in which I’m away from the house for over 12 hours at a time(I’m a full-time college student so I’m often in class 9am-4pm and then go straight to work for an 8-hour shift). So I would love any and all advice for how to navigate a schedule that really limits my ability to take breaks from binding, and how to handle the dysphoria/adjusting outfits so that they look good both when I’m binding and when I have to have breasts again. Thanks for all that you do <3

A.

Al(aina): Drink water! And stretch! Take a break from whatever you’re doing every hour or so and just lean over to try and touch your toes and sway a little down there. And then reach up to the stars! The lean over to each side, and stretch your back a little bit, and raise and lower your shoulders, and then give yourself a little hug. And oversized button ups/sweaters have always helped with my dysphoria. I love an oxford shirt and buy them a size or two too big and do a little gay sleeve roll-up, and then you can barely tell I have a chest, whether or not I’m binding.

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Q22.

What is “mom energy” and “dad energy”? These dating profiles are really confusing me…

A.

Archie: I’m no expert but going off my experience… Mom energy: keeps extra snacks on hand, will happily decide on where to eat out if you’re indecisive, always looks good. Dad energy: cargo pants, probably has a trust fund.

Abeni: LOL I get the feeling that “mom energy” is very caretaker-y, like, wants to feed you and make sure you’re taking care of yourself. I also read it as low femme in a way, like confident enough in their looks that they don’t care much about appealing to others, so they don’t even try, which makes them look even better? I feel like “dad energy” is a very caring masculinity, like what we all wish masculinity was. Like protector-y, dumb jokes, very soft and kind, very respectable, very validating – like if they’re proud of you, it means a lot?

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Q23.

I googled “How to distract arrogant men in the workplace so they get out of your way” and found the advice to be terrible. “Kill them with kindness” says one person. Come on, I need actionable advice! Is there a shiny toy that makes them feel important and keeps them quiet? What are some examples of fake responsibilities you can give them? Can y’all help?

Himani: It’s a little hard to answer this question without knowing the details of your situation. (ie Are these arrogant men subordinates, equals, or supervisors? What are the power dynamics like in your office and what is the culture?) “Killing them with kindness” is the stupidest and most sexist advice, as you realize. If you haven’t already, it’s important to find allies in your office or at least in your industry who you can discuss ideas with for how to deal with these arrogant people that fits into your office culture and dynamics. Part of what I’ve found to be really important is being comfortable in asserting my own authority, whether in terms of my experience, knowledge, capability, skills, position, or all of the above. Sometimes I feel like I’m being aggressive or mean, but I have found that finding a professional way to stand up for myself does often help cut some of the bullshit. What does “professional” actually mean? It’s a highly coded word in my opinion and there’s all sorts of “isms” at play in that, so this is something I really struggle with even though I know it’s what I have to do to be able to get my job done. Another part of it is making sure that not only can my work speak for itself but that I am also speaking for it because no one else will. Regardless of how ambitious you are, make sure you are getting credit for your work. Make sure these arrogant men and everyone in charge understands what sets you and your work apart. This is all kind of vague, so that’s why having those allies can really help in talking through the specifics of navigating all of that in real time, with real situations.

But in terms of getting them out of your way and keeping them quiet? I don’t think that’s really possible. Even if you manage to get ahead of them in your organization’s hierarchy, you’ll just encounter more. Even if you leave to go to another organization, they’ll still be there, waiting for you. EVEN if you go to work for an organization staffed completely by people who are not cis men, they’re still there calling the shots as funders, evaluators, gate keepers of the industry, and so on. There seems to be an endless supply of arrogant men who get way too much credit while doing way too little in most work forces.

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Q24.

Okay you probably get this question all the time but: how do you tell if someone keeps spending time with you because they like you, or if it’s because they just want to be friends and spending time together is how you become friends?

A.

Drew: I apologize in advance for this answer, but… you ask. Of course, you can also try to pick up on flirting cues, but more and more I’m learning that different people – myself included – have different ways of showing interest. One person’s friend flirting is another person’s crush flirting and you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what’s going on OR you can just ask for clarity. I tend not to have a ton of boundaries between friendships and crushes and often times I feel like I could be interested in being a new person’s platonic friend or I could be interested in dating them, and either is fine, but I just want to know where they’re at. So I ask! Or I don’t ask and I just go crazy in my brain parts until I get bored or we drunkenly hook up. I’m not perfect.

Carolyn: Seconding Drew’s answer: ask. Ask! Asssssssssssk. Ask.

Shelli I am not only agreeing with Drew because I adore her completely forever and ever but yes – Just Ask!

It’s a whole ass new decade, if yall don’t just start talking to each other and asking questions I swear to Gawd….