Hello there and welcome to the second installment of Interview With My Significant Other, a new A+ series in which Autostraddle team members interview a signficiant other. Here at Autostraddle in spring of 2022, we’re in a historic era. There has never been a time in history in which more of the Autostraddle team have been in romantic relationships. So, to take advantage of this time, and so that we can all revel in the broad range of ways that queer relationships can look and be, we developed fourteen questions for our team members to answer in conversation with their significant others. We asked them how they met, to tell us their hopes for the future, about finances and sharing labor, and yes, about sex.

---

Hello it’s me, Laneia, to say that this is an incredibly long interview (9k+ words, sorry we are verbose??). Are you in line at a coffee shop? Save this for later. Are you seated comfortably with snacks and nothing to do? Read on. We also made you this little soundtrack of what it sounded like to be us for the last two and half years which, if you hit play now, will probably end around the same time you’ve finished this article. SERVICE, BABY.

---

How’d you meet / get together? (Include how long you knew each other before becoming romantically involved.)

Amanda: I put an ad on Lex that was successful on Tinder first.

Laneia: Oh, I have not heard this part.

Amanda: I was at the point where I was like, I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m just gonna be really explicit about not looking for a relationship. So I wrote a bio on Tinder that I thought was perfect. Explicit, also funny and charming.

Laneia: Uh-huh, and humble.

Amanda: And humble, right. But people on Tinder won’t talk to me first. I don’t know if it’s because they can see my picture? They’re like, “We’ll match, but you have to say something.”

Laneia: The vibe on Lex is very much like, “You come out with your ad first and then if I like it, I’ll respond to it. I’m not putting up an ad though.” Very wait-and-see.

Amanda: So I put it on Lex and I got a few messages, but I didn’t reply to the people who didn’t link their Instagram accounts. Then I went back to Lex a few weeks later, to read the ads, and I found yours and I was immediately like, “[EYES EMOJI]” That was the only one I responded to.

Laneia: In a twist, though…

Amanda: In a twist of fate, I realized that you had actually been one of the people that messaged me before! I was like Oh no, now I want this, but I’ve already ignored this person. So I think I said something like, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. My bad,” whatever. But like, your Instagram account wasn’t linked, I don’t know who you are!

Laneia: Also my first message to you was so earnest! I was trying to say that I thought we were after the same thing, but it definitely didn’t come off as cool as that.

Amanda: It was extremely fraught. It was like, “Hmm! Very interested! But like! Not if you’re not and like, okay, bye!” When I read it now it totally sounds like you, in a little panicky state. But at the time it just sounded like a LinkedIn message. Like, “Hey, hoping we can connect!”

Laneia: Exactly. God.

Amanda: Meanwhile, my ad was like, “We’re gonna have sex.”

Laneia: “We’re gonna go to Target.”

Amanda: “We’re gonna go to Target!”

Laneia: “And then I am taking you home, don’t get it twisted!”

Amanda: It was Christmastime, and we made plans for the 28th to meet at an underground bar, a speakeasy and… that was it, done deal. We were there for hours.

Laneia: I did not wanna talk about anything real and you were like, “So what’s going on? Why do you only have like four pictures on Instagram?” I wasn’t gonna talk about my kids. I wasn’t gonna talk about the divorce. I wasn’t gonna talk about any of that shit. I just wanted to hang out with you, simple drinks.

Amanda: Oh no, that was never gonna happen with me.

Laneia: No, it was never an option. And you had a lot of dating stories to tell which, I think you were trying to give me something to look forward to?

Amanda: Right. Cause it was like, I was in the middle school of divorce and you were in the elementary school of divorce. I just wanted you to know that it is possible to date when you’re in your mid thirties and you’re gay in Arizona, and it doesn’t suck. And then we made eye contact— you bring this up all the time, that we made eye contact in the mirror at the back of the bar.

Laneia: Oh god I was like, to myself, Donnnn’t fucking do that. Do not have that thought. Don’t have that feeling, whatever the fuck THAT was.

Amanda: Well our conversation was so easy, and I felt like we were attracted to each other. We walked out, we were walking like arm-in-arm, ’cause you were so cold. I drove you home, I put the car in park, I took my seatbelt off. I’m thinking we’re at least gonna — we’re gonna put our mouths on each other. And then I’ve never seen somebody get outta my car that fast. I mean, I thought my seatbelt was off fast. You were basically hanging out of the car while it was moving.

Laneia: I could’ve cracked the passenger side window trying to sling that seatbelt off and run away.

Amanda: And I was like, I mean, I was truly stunned, but I was also thinking, She’s got a kid in there, it’s probably 1:30 in the morning. I messaged you on Instagram when I got home and said something like, “I’m not sure if I got things wrong, it seemed like you were into it and then you ran away,” or whatever and—

Laneia: I was so grateful you messaged. I don’t think I ever would have, I was so embarrassed.

Amanda: Well I knew what you felt, to be freshly divorced and not really sure of what to do. And it was probably overwhelming. Like I cracked you open a little bit.

Laneia: Yeah I was just terrified. And then how long did we know each other before becoming romantically involved?

Amanda: The next time we saw each other, a few days later. You came to my house and you brought a nice bottle of whiskey. I remember being at work and getting the message on Instagram that you were like—

Laneia: It was probably very horny.

Amanda: Oh it was. I mean, it stopped me in my tracks at work when I read it.

Amanda: And that’s exactly what happened. Did we play Bananagrams? I think we did.

Laneia: We did, yeah.

Amanda: I think you won.

Laneia: You let me win.

Amanda: Well you were a guest in my home! So yeah, we definitely had sex.

Laneia: We definitely had a lot of sex. I fell off the bed nearly! And you didn’t even laugh at me.

Amanda: Why would I laugh at you?? I think when you know somebody long enough, you can. Like, now that would be funny. And we had a moment then, too, where we—

Laneia: Oh my God, you—

Amanda: [Laughing] Can I bring that up?

Laneia: So the thing is! [Laughing] Um, you were on top of me and our eyes locked.

Amanda: Yep.

Laneia: And I, I can’t even explain what happened.

Amanda: We saw, like, all the way down.

Laneia: It felt like I saw everything, yeah — everything that we had ever been, and ever would be — in like, a second.

Amanda: And there was nowhere to go.

Laneia: No. We were having sex with the lights on! I couldn’t — and I hadn’t had sex with the lights on in years at that point — and like, it was, I mean, it was terrifying.

Amanda: Yeah. When I think about it now and all the things I know about you, I was… I was a lot.

Laneia: You were a lot! And I was trying so hard not to have any feelings, at all. ‘Cause it was, well, I didn’t trust myself yet!

Amanda: I was like, here’s somebody that’s intellectually on my level, who’s sexually on my level. And it was the first time I dated someone like, even in their thirties—

Laneia: [Laughing] —I was gonna say, close to your age??

Amanda: [Laughing] Within a few years.

Laneia: Like we had the same graduation songs. You’d never really had that experience before.

Amanda: [Laughing] —OhhhhKAY! [Laughing] Um but yeah, if I think about it now? How much that was for you? Like, if you were telling me this now about another person, I’d be like, “Ok that? Is too much!”
But it felt like you trusted me a lot.

Laneia: I did yeah. But god, it was overwhelming. It was so overwhelming.

Amanda: I don’t… Those things don’t scare me.

Laneia: They scare the shit out of me!

Okay, so what are your big 3 astrological signs? How do we feel about that?

Amanda: I’m an Aries sun, a Capricorn moon, and a Capricorn rising. So my feet are firmly on the ground at all times, and then I just have passion about that. I’m really passionate about staying grounded.

Laneia: I’m an Aquarius sun and rising, and my moon is Aries. And I think that means I’m fine. No notes.

Amanda: I like that I recognize some of the ways that your emotional reactions are like, that’s how I would feel.

Laneia: If you didn’t have these Capricorn bumpers slowing you down.

Amanda: Yeah ’cause you’ll go there. You’ll go to that level.

Laneia: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Amanda: You’re definitely up, floating around. You’re having all of your thoughts and all of your little scenarios all the time. And I noticed this very early on, you’re extremely whimsical.

Laneia: You’re the only person who’s ever said that to me.

Amanda: You’ll go flying out into the ether about some things and it’s like, “Okay let’s get you back down here with us,” but then you also have these thoughts that are like, where the fuck would you even come up with something like that? You sent me a text once that was like, something about a salamander and cupcakes. It was very Aquarius energy. I’ve never really known an air sign as intimately as I know you.

Laneia: Oh—

Amanda: I know.

Laneia: —I really like being known.

Amanda: Mmhmm, and there’s a lot to know there.

Laneia: You know you have to have a solid sense of whimsy yourself to be able to appreciate mine as much as you do.

Amanda: That is what people say about me.

Laneia: [Laughing]

Amanda: The sense of whimsy? Solid. Unbreakable sense of whimsy on that one.

What do you enjoy most about your relationship?

Amanda: Oh you’re easily the most intellectually stimulating person that I’ve ever been with. I feel like we are on the same level. Even things that you’re smarter about than I am — I obviously love that.

Laneia: Right, same. Yeah I want you to tell me everything you know.

Amanda: We’re both just really big fans of each other. And then we also have incredible sex. I think it would be one thing to have all that intellectual stimulation — the ability to have conversation, deep conversations, all the time — but sometimes that means giving up the other part, you know? I just think we keep that balance really well. And we’re interested in this, in us — we’re not interested in wasting time trying to have the upper hand.

Laneia: Yeah there isn’t any ego here.

Amanda: And we have a lot of hard conversations, which I also really appreciate. The whole thing is, I mean, it’s the best relationship I think I’ve ever been in. It’s the healthiest.

Laneia: [WATERY EYE EMOJI] Oh !

Amanda: [Laughing] Do you not agree?

Laneia: I do! I just don’t think you’ve ever said that!

Amanda: Well! We’ve never interviewed each other about it! I’ve told other people that.

Laneia: Although this is a very lesbian thing to do. It’s kinda shocking that we haven’t done this before without needing it for content. This relationship does feel like the healthiest and most… It’s the most honest thing. Um, it might be the most honest thing I’ve ever done, actually.

Amanda: Intentional, also. That was a big thing for us, in the beginning. We said the word intentional a lot.

Laneia: Like in the word cloud of our first year, the biggest one was for sure INTENTIONAL.

Amanda: And then PANDEMIC. It also feels like there’s nothing that happens that we can’t talk through.

Laneia: Oh yeah, no.

Amanda: And you’re beautiful. I like never getting tired of that, you know?

Laneia: !!!

Amanda: It’s never like, “Oh, there she is again.” You know how you get used to how someone looks all the time?

Laneia: Yeah, I don’t feel used to how you look — it’s always still, like when you come to my front door? You know how you think you’re gonna be ready for it? I’m like, “Oh my God, look at you! Did you see yourself on the way up that sidewalk? Jesus!”

Amanda: Oh yeah. You tell me all the time to look at my cute face.

Amanda: Look at your cute face!

Amanda: And I have to stop what I’m doing, go to the mirror—

Laneia: Listen, when I give an order—

Amanda: Trixie salute.¹

Laneia: Trixie salute! You also have opinions that I trust and want to hear. Like generally speaking I actually don’t want other people’s opinions on things—

Amanda: [Laughing]

Laneia: But I do from you! I feel like we see the world on the same level, but from different angles. Like I wanna know what you saw so that I can get a better picture of the whole thing — your take on a situation helps me understand it better, pretty much every single time.

Amanda: You’re good about that too, with me. I’m not used to people expressing their opinion and not having it be this passive-aggressive way of saying that this is what they think I should be doing. So much of my other relationships have been that way, where it’s about people trying to change each other. It’s almost like you’re leading someone somewhere every time you give your own opinion, and I really don’t like that.

Laneia: Yeah.

Amanda: I think that happens when people feel like they can’t say what they really want. And in this relationship, especially, you’ve been so good about being open to hearing what I want and like actually hearing what I want, even if it’s not what you want. I remember the first few times I called you to cancel plans and I was like, sobbing. Because I didn’t wanna disappoint you, and I was so used to my needs being secondary in other relationships. I wanted to be everything you wanted me to be. And you’ve said to me many times that you don’t want me to be any kind of way.

Laneia: Right.

Amanda: And that if I need something just to ask for it. That permission, and without punishment, has been huge for me. You saying that means the world to me. Because I do want to be the kind of person that’s able to say what I need, without apologizing, or feeling like an inconvenience.

Laneia: The only way that you could disappoint me is if you weren’t true to yourself, like that would be devastating.

Amanda: I think being divorced has really helped me, in that it set me free to be who I want to be. So by the time that I met you, I felt like this is exactly who I want to be. And all you’ve done is encourage that version of myself, all the time.

Laneia: And you created a space for me to keep finding out who I want to be, because you knew I didn’t really know yet.

Amanda: Right. That was actually a big thing when we started dating — I was very nervous for you, because you were coming out of something huge, and it’s life-changing, divorce. I mean, you lose all sense of self. I didn’t know what size pants I fucking wore. My ex-wife bought all my clothes. I had to rebuild all of it. And when I came out of my divorce, I quickly found myself in something else and I just put all of my eggs in that basket, like “Okay great, great. I’m done.” Because there’s such a fear of scarcity, of not being wanted, not being attractive, or cool enough.

Laneia: Like you’ve already missed your window.

Amanda: Exactly, I mean the last time I fucking dated before I got divorced I was on Myspace. To come back out into a world where you’re relying on apps — the language is different, you have to learn so quickly. I didn’t want to rush in with you, and have you just supplant all of that onto me, and think, “Okay, whew, I’m done now.”

Laneia: I didn’t want to do that either, and I was so afraid I would.

Amanda: I was afraid you would too, and not because of like—

Laneia: No, I know. It’s just so fucking easy to do!

Amanda: I’ve really tried to maintain my own personality through this, which I never do — like I’ve always just merged with someone else and become a version of myself that I don’t know, and don’t like. But with you? I’ve told so many people that you make me feel bigger than life, you know? Like you let me be as big as I want to be. You’ve always just stoked that fucking fire.

Laneia: I love that about you.

Amanda: You’re never jealous of any interactions I have, you never wish that I wasn’t engaging with other people so I could give you more attention.

Laneia: Oh my god I love watching you be a whole person out there. And I love watching you flirt with other people.

Amanda: I do not FLIRT with other people!

Laneia: You do a little! It’s not — you don’t make it weird! I just mean, like before the pandemic, when we’d go out, you got a lot of attention. And I did love to see it!

Amanda: I saw a tweet the other day that was like, “I’m not flirting, I’m just hot and talking.”

Laneia: Ok yes exactly! And that has nothing to do with me! I just like to watch, and when people get flustered I’m like, “I know, me too!”

Amanda: Well I never thought I was flirting with anybody else. I do talk to people—

Laneia: You have this eye thing that you do.

Amanda: Oh come on!

Laneia: It’s casual but it’s intense! I don’t know, again this has nothing to do with me! You just have this—

Amanda: This is when I find out? On this day of my—

Laneia: Yes on the day of your daughter’s wedding.² You just have this extremely flirty eye contact that you— yes! That’s it, THANK YOU. Okay, point proven!

Amanda: Well that’s for you!

Laneia: Yeah you don’t go quite that hard with other people.

Amanda: I don’t know, if somebody is reciprocating eye contact, then I’ll just do it back.

Laneia: “I dunno, if I happen to be hot and talking? Who am I to blame?”

Amanda: “What am I supposed to dooo?”

Laneia: “What would you have me do MUZZLE MY EYES!” Imagine you with those tanning bed cones over your eyes, not the glasses but the cones.³ Do you know what I’m talking about?

Amanda: All I can think of is that scene in American Psycho, but no that’s a gel mask.

Laneia: I’m talking about the little cones you get, they’re disposable for when you don’t have the glasses.

Amanda: Wait a second, you’ve been in a tanning bed?

Laneia: Oh I’ve been in a tanning bed. I’ve spent countless days in tanning beds in Tennessee. I had a punch card Amanda.

Amanda: Of course.

Laneia: It was in the back of a video rental store, in the same building as the gas station where everyone got their chicken biscuits in the morning before going to school, to high school. I got a Romeo and Juliet poster from them, like the—

Amanda: Oh I know, 1996.

Laneia: I had it framed.

Amanda: You fucking would.

---

¹ Trixie Salute is referring to a promotional image used used for Trixie and Katya Live, in which Trixie Mattel is seen standing in a convertible with her hand to her forehead, ostensibly shielding her eyes from the sun, but Laneia made a cropped version of this into a custom Slack emoji for Autostraddle, which she uses to, among other things, convey affirmation or confirmation, in the form of a salute.
² See there’s no real reason to reference The Godfather here, and yet.
³ Exhibit A

What hurdles or obstacles have you overcome together in your relationship? These can be within your relationship, or things that you’ve faced together.

Laneia: I think a major hurdle that we are still overcoming is trust. And not because either one of us has broken that trust with each other, but because other people have. Or I guess life has.

Amanda: I mean, even if I knew my marriage was probably not the best situation for me, I still trusted that we were gonna work through it eventually. So believing that somebody will show up for you, somebody will—

Laneia: Work through it with you.

Amanda: Exactly. That did not pan out. So when these hard things came up for the two of us—

Laneia: It was hard to trust that the other person would actually want to be there.

Amanda: But we kept just trying, and having really honest conversations about it.

Laneia: After the last time that happened, it changed my trust for you a lot, or for this, I guess. It gave me an opportunity to like, humble myself a little bit? I mean, there’s definitely a less insane way of saying that, but—

Amanda: No, let’s go for insane.

Laneia: You basically were like, “When I say this shit to you, quit explaining yourself. Quit being in your head and be here with me. Listen to what I’m trying to say to you.” And I did, and I could see where I’d been wrong and how it had been hurtful, because I wasn’t hearing you. I wasn’t listening. It felt like you were almost giving me a gift, like, “Here’s how you can show up for me, if you really care to.” And then you gave me the opportunity to do it, which is like! It was humbling. I was grateful for the chance to do something better.

Amanda: There are so many reactions people can have to an argument, and for me that argument isn’t the point — it’s the friction that needs to happen so we can get to the part where we figure out what to do next time. I’m trying to say that this is how something made me feel, even if it’s hard for you to hear. Even if it doesn’t make sense.

Laneia: Right, that’s where I got stuck, because I was like, “Wait, I can explain though!” You didn’t want that.

Amanda: Well, and humans get upset, even if there is an explanation, right? Like you just have to be there to listen.

Laneia: God, yeah. That was so hard for me! It’s still hard.

Amanda: It’s hard for a lot of people! It’s easy to take it personally, when someone is telling you that something you did hurt them. Because it’s like, “Well I would never try to hurt you!” And I’m not saying you were trying to hurt me, I’m just saying you did.

Laneia: Right.

Amanda: It felt like we moved through that really gracefully, and it might not have been that graceful if either one of us was holding onto something or wanting to show the other one up, or to win. But we’re both more interested in doing this, intentionally.

Laneia: Sometimes in therapy I’ll have a whole spiel about something and by the time I get to the end I’m like, “Fuck so I guess I should just be saying this to her, yeah? Not you.” Because I’ll do a lot of thinking, and trying to figure out what you meant by this, or why something is happening, because for me it’s easier to try to figure it out on my own and just never bring it up to you. But the thing is actually that I have to trust you to hear what I’m going to say — like I have to give you the chance to show up for this, and trust that you’ll be just as intentional and present as we’ve said we’ll be. It’s just wild! How it’s all about TRUST !

Amanda: Tale as old as time.

Laneia: Roads weren’t made to not go down.⁴ You know?

Amanda: That’s what I’ve always said. It’s on my koozie.

---

⁴ Again, the gossamer thread of relevancy connecting this Kacey Musgraves reference to the rest of the conversation is imperceptible at best, but we’ll allow it.

What’s your living situation like (together, separate, long distance with long visits, something else), how often do you see each other and why?

Amanda: Well I live in an apartment in Phoenix, and you live in a house in the suburbs. We see each other on the weekends and on Wednesdays, sometimes.

Laneia: We’re not living together right now, and that’s very much on purpose.

Amanda: We never wanted to live together out of necessity.

Laneia: Right, number fuckin one, I don’t wanna get married because I need health insurance. I don’t wanna live with somebody because I can’t afford to live alone.

Amanda: We never want that to be the driving force. It has to be intentional. But, you know, that could change

Laneia: We could live together.

Amanda: I’m sure we will.

Laneia: It seems inevitable. And honestly, there’s something comforting about that and also extremely annoying to me.

Amanda: [Laughing]

Laneia: Because it’s like, “Why though? Why is it inevitable?”

Amanda: I think that’s just what people do.

Laneia: I think this is, it’s like—

Amanda: Here we go.

Laneia: [Laughing] I talk to my therapist about this all the time! And she’s like, “You realize this is a normal next step for people? They eventually live in the same house together.” Like she’s explaining the concept of relationships to me, anew, each time, and I’m like, “Right okay, that’s how everybody— that’s how y’all do it. I get that.” But then I’m on the outside being like, “But wait, wait, one second.”

Amanda: Also in terms of how long we’ve been out of our marriages, it’s pretty fresh. We were with those people for a long time. I didn’t have my own things, in my own style, in my own choices, in my house, for 10 years. And even before I got married and was living with her, I was 20-something and had a bunch of random-ass furniture and could barely afford the rent. Now I can afford to live here. I’ve furnished it entirely since the pandemic. I love it.

Laneia: It’s wonderful.

Amanda: And I just, I want to keep having that for a little while. When I go to your house? I love — and this has been really fun to see — every time I go there, more and more of you is there. Like it’s yours now, it looks like your house. It’s so comforting to be there because of that.

Laneia: That’s how I feel at your house!

Amanda: It’s like, “This is all her.” Remember the first time I was in your bedroom?

Laneia: Oh I can replay that entire time in my head. Like, second for second. I can remember the path we took around the room. What you picked up. I remember pointing out the pinch pot to you that Slade had made when he was little and you were like—

Amanda: I was overwhelmed.

Laneia: It was really sweet.

Amanda: ‘Cause that was all you. We really understand each other’s ephemera.

Laneia: Yeah. Oh! Yeah, that’s true. And I want you to have yours! I wanna see it!

Amanda: And it’s like, living together? I mean, that would change all of that. I know that you’ve said, when we’ve talked about it before, that if I moved in you would take everything down and—

Laneia: Everything’s gotta come down! Yes. ‘Cause that would be fun, too.

Amanda: It would be fun. The other thing that we’ve talked about — I mean, it was a pipe dream, but like, buying a house somewhere else. That, to me? That seems more like us than me moving into your house right now. I’m also very aware that Eli is there, and it’s his house. He’s still in high school and his life has been changed by the divorce—

Laneia: And the pandemic.

Amanda: Exactly, and I never really wanted to move in there and be like, “Hey son,” you know? That’s my stepdad voice.

Laneia: [Laughing] Your stepdad persona, I wish I knew what he was wearing. Is it like a t-shirt and cargo shorts?

Amanda: It’s a tank top and denim cut-offs.

Laneia: OhKAY!

Amanda: And probably this hat.⁵

Laneia: What kind of shoes?

Amanda: “Hey, son.” Those like—

Laneia: Are they the woven—?⁶

Amanda: Yeah.

Laneia: [Laughing] Oh my goddddd !

Amanda: You already know! Um yeah, so I’ve always really considered that he’s still in high school and, you know, when he graduates, if he moves out, if Slade moves out, that would be a different thing too! You’ll be on your own for the first time ever. You probably wanna enjoy that.

Laneia: Yeah like when’s the perfect time? I don’t know.

Amanda: I don’t know, but I do think about that. ‘Cause honestly, there’s nothing — there’s nothing — like living by yourself.

Laneia: I — ok, honestly I’m always like, “What would it be like? What would it actually be like, to be fully alone?” Earlier last week I thought Slade would be working from his girlfriend’s house, and I was so jazzed. I drove Eli to school and on the way back I was talking to myself, because that’s what I do, and I was like, “What are we gonna do today!!” I was SO excited. And the other thing is that I don’t feel comfortable not wearing a bra in front of them, even though they’re my children. If I’m wearing a tank top, I don’t just wanna be like NIPPLES, so that day I was wearing my loose tank top, no bra, jogging pants, no underwear. I’m in house shoes, shuffling around, talking to myself. I’ve got music on, and I have a plan. And then I hear Slade’s key in the door and I was like—

Amanda: Deflated.

Laneia: And it’s not that I don’t wanna see him! I love him, whatever! But yeah, I did have another moment of just wondering what it would be like. If you were there I would just keep talking to myself though, and not wear a bra.

Amanda: I would just, Trixie salute.

Laneia: So yeah, we don’t live together. We see each other when we see each other. And I’m…?

Amanda: It’s fine. Like it really is okay with me.

Laneia: Yeah I’m really happy. Obviously, there are some times that I’m like, Fuck, oh I wish she was here. Or when you leave I always go through a period of — it’s not long—

Amanda: Mourning.

Laneia: Yeah I just, I’m looking out the window, imagining you in a ship sailing away. It’s very, very sad. Sad.

Amanda: Well, I just got in my apartment and drove it away.⁷

Laneia: [Laughing] Right.

Amanda: I got into my apple.

Laneia: [Laughing] You got into your apple. Honked.

Amanda: And it’s that horn that’s like, henh-henh

Laneia: And then it’s the sputtering thing, like, it’s not a smooth drive. It’s like— [laughing] do you know what I’m talking about?

Amanda: [Laughing] Yes! I know what you’re talking about, get OUT OF HERE god.

Laneia: I can’t I didn’t bring my apartment.

---

⁵ Exhibit B
⁶ Exhibit C
⁷ Amanda Driving Away In Her Apartment is an ongoing imaginary situation wherein Amanda, having been affronted and thus feeling quite cross, gets into her apartment, which is actually the Apple Car from Richard Scarry’s Busytown, and drives away, rather slowly, as apartments are lumbering and not aerodynamic in the least. So in sum, Amanda is the Lowly Worm, the apartment that she’s driving (??) is an apple, and we’re sure you’ll agree this is perfectly normal business.

How do you share expenses or work out finances? How do you share or split up labor in the relationship? Can you talk about why that is?

Amanda: Um, we don’t really track anything like that.

Laneia: Well not living together makes it really easy to not worry about how we’re splitting finances.

Amanda: But it’s not like one of us pays more than the other one, when we go out or take trips. That always ends up evening out on its own. We’re not keeping track.

Do you have kids, pets, plants, all three? Do you not currently have, but want any of these things? Why? Are you in agreement?

Amanda: Well, you have a lot of plants and you have a lot of kids. And you have one pet. I had a pet, I have a couple plants, no kids.

Laneia: No kids. Are you, did you check?

Amanda: What? That’s why I haven’t done 23 And Me. I don’t wanna find out—

Laneia: You’re just not ready to face it yet.

Amanda: I don’t wanna have that conversation.

Laneia: We’re all on our own timeline, and I respect it.

Amanda: And we’ve talked about, well in a fantasy way, having a baby, but that’s not really our plan.

Laneia: It’s not the plan. I feel sad about it, if I think about it.

Amanda: Well, because this is a bigger thing. You’re — and we’ve talked about this —we’re both kind of sad that we didn’t meet earlier.

Laneia: Yeah. Even though it’s well established fact, very much known, that if we had met earlier, this would not be what it looked like, at all.

Amanda: No.

Laneia: You would’ve been a whole mess. I would’ve been a whole asshole. It wouldn’t have worked, but also it’s like, I wish I could have known you in first grade. I wish I could have had lunch with you. I wish I could have sat with you on the bus, on the field trip to that museum in Nashville. I wish that you had been on the plane with me to Florida the first time that I flew with Slade. Like, I wish—

Amanda: At any moment.

Laneia: Any moment— I wanna know you then. All of it. And it breaks my fucking heart. ‘Cause I, I loved you. You know? Like I loved you then. I didn’t know you— does that? Do you know what I mean? Like not in this esoteric, cheesy way, but like I have always loved you. Like I have always loved you, not knowing that you even existed.

I also wish you were the one that I could have been like, “I’m so exhausted from this pregnancy.” I just wish!

Amanda: Yeah. That’s the one — I really wish I could’ve been with you when you were pregnant. I would’ve loved that.

Laneia: You would’ve loved it. Um yeah, so because of how things are, I’m not having any more children.

Amanda: And I’m not having any children.

Laneia: And I feel a lot of ways about it! I feel like I’m short-changing you.

Amanda: No, but not really. I don’t feel that way about it. I’ve thought about having kids in other relationships, with that person, and it was always kinda like, “Yeah, if it happens, that’ll be her decision, and she’ll be driving it.” You were the first person I was like, “That would be really cool actually, to raise a kid together.” Because we would’ve been so on the same page about things, and supportive of how the other person was. The ways we’re different and the things that we’re interested in, making room for all of that would be really fun.

Laneia: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Also just, I would love to have sex with you while you were pregnant.

Laneia: You’ve never had sex with a pregnant person.

Amanda: No. And the biggest reason is, I just wanna make you — pregnant — feel amazing. Like if that could be my job—

Laneia: Like a doula, but for sex.

Amanda: But just for you.

How would you describe the sex you have together (if you have sex)? Do you believe in lesbian bed death, and has it or do you think it will visit your relationship? What haven’t you done together but want to?

Amanda: Fun, intimate. It’s never the same. Even if we did the exact same thing, it’s never the same. It feels very free. How would you describe it?

Laneia: Um, it feels… bold.

Amanda: Oh? Like in what way?

Laneia: I don’t feel timid about it, which I guess is the same thing as feeling free. It feels safe, in that I can be vulnerable but also in charge, without breaking any expectations. I also love that sometimes our sex does begin very organically, but other times it’s very much like, “So, are we gonna fuck?” Because I hate the idea that if we talk about it, then that somehow takes away from it. Like if we admit that we think about it and plan it.

Amanda: Right. We also spend our time together very intentionally. So we want to get all the things done, have the experiences, and sometimes that’s one of them! I also love that we can be like, “Hey, it’s feeling a little disconnected right?” I don’t know if we’ve ever actually said those exact words, but if it feels like there’s a distance between us, we both value the way sex brings us closer.

Laneia: I do wanna say, you know how people talk about getting to a certain age and that’s the ‘prime’ of their sex life? I’d felt like that was true for me in my thirties, but honestly that was mostly because of the masturbating I was doing. It wasn’t so much the sex I was having, but I was having an incredible time masturbating. Just knocking it out of the park. Stronger orgasms, more of them — I could go for hours. But the actual sex was… I mean, it was fine? I’m 41 now, and the sex that we’ve had for the past two and half years has been stupid. Like, very good.

Amanda: It’s quality.

Laneia: It’s quality sex! Okay what about Lesbian Bed Death, has it ever darkened your door?

Amanda: Usually by this point in my past relationships, we are not having sex. And if we are, it’s not great. Like ships passing in the night, you know? Wanting to have sex, but really only having sex with that person because they just happen to be the one you’re in a relationship with. That’s never happened with us. We’re having sex because we really want to do it, with each other.

Laneia: Right, when I want to have sex, I want to have sex with you. Not just to get off, but I want to be like, skin-to-skin, face-to-face with you. Actually it’s not even about getting off really? I just wanna hang out with you, naked.

Amanda: Also the attraction has never wavered.

Laneia: You know how in the beginning, or maybe this is just my experience, the sex that you’re having with someone is kind of an elaborate situation — like, you still haven’t broken that fourth wall. People are still maintaining the newness, the facades. And then after a certain point things start feeling very… familiar.

Amanda: Old reliable.

Laneia: Yes! You kinda settle in, the song-and-dance is over, which is fine! But then it’s almost embarrassing if you try to bring it back? Do you know what I mean?

Amanda: It’s like, “Don’t try to have any mystery with me! I know everything about you.”

Laneia: “Are you… trying to be sexy with me right now? Unnecessary!” But with you — and I’m not saying this exactly right, I sound nuts — in terms of how we interact with each other, that kind of thing still…

Amanda: Well I know exactly what to do.

Laneia: Yes!

Amanda: And it’s not really sexual at all, it doesn’t have to be.

Laneia: It’s— you’re doing it right now! That’s it!

Amanda: Got it.

Laneia: Stop it! Gah.

Amanda: The sex we have is very sexy. You just said to me earlier that you wish there was a mirror—

Laneia: I do! I wish there was a mirror, on the ceiling.

Okay! Moving on, is there anything that we haven’t done together that we want to?

Amanda: We talk a lot about having sex pretty much on every surface, and I don’t think we’ve gotten to that.

Laneia: Have we had sex in a car? Not just making out in the car?

Amanda: No, that’d be fun.

Laneia: I do love car sex. You know what I love? Car sex on a back road in Tennessee.

Amanda: Book a flight!

Laneia: Oh but that would also have to be in my mom’s car.

Amanda: It would have to be?

Laneia: Unless we rent a car? But that’s so expensive.

Amanda: Oh I thought that was part of the fantasy.

Laneia: No! Jesus. “So one thing, it does need to be my dead grandmother’s Lincoln, soooo.” Honestly I feel like I should say like, a third person being involved? But when I really think about it I’m like, “Who? Based on what?”

Amanda: I never have that desire.

Laneia: I was watching a New Year’s video with Trixie and she said she wanted to try having sex in drag, and not because she even wanted to, but because she didn’t want to get older and wish that she had’ve. I think that’s kind of where I am with having sex with more than one person at the same time.

Amanda: The threesome I had was not anything to write home about. One person’s gonna be left out, and I have a feeling that if we had a threesome, it wouldn’t be with another person who looks like me. I don’t know that I have the, uh, the stamina to do what I do with you to another person.

Laneia: Why do androgynous girls never want another androgynous girl around? What’s that about?

Amanda: Because we’d have to arm wrestle about it and I don’t want to do that. Not naked anyway. Um, yeah. I don’t know! I tried to have sex once with someone that looked like me and it was really awful. We just kept trying to top each other. There was no communication.

Laneia: Wait wait, I think this would be an interesting time to take a brief tangent. So I don’t identify as femme, but I’m definitely read as that. How do you identify? We’ve never actually talked about that.

Amanda: Um, yeah I’ve never said what I identify as, but I would identify as androgynous. I walk that line. I’ve had a lot of sex with straight women, and in my experience that’s what they’re responding to, that mixture.

Laneia: So if there’s another androgynous person, you just wouldn’t be attracted to that. Where I could be attracted to a more feminine person, that’s possible for me. In theory.

Amanda: I could see how another androgynous person would be attractive.

Laneia: Sure.

Amanda: I just don’t ever get that yen for them.

Laneia: There’s a certain kind of pixie dust around an androgynous person for me, which… I think is fine.

Amanda: I think whatever you’re attracted to is normal.

Laneia: Yeah but sometimes I’m like, Okay what kind of internalized femme-phobia do we have here.

Amanda: You did try dating a couple of femme women before.

Laneia: It was truly like the first day of school. Just sitting next to somebody and being like, “Hi.”

Amanda: “Hey, did you bring your lunch or—”

Laneia: “Is it Lunchables or like, does your mom make— oh she makes the sandwich? Okay cool.”

Amanda: “That’s cool. Neat.”

Laneia: “Oh really? No yeah, I love margaritas.”

Amanda: So yeah I’ve also like, ‘tried my own kind.’ There was something pulling us together and I followed it and yeah, it just, wasn’t for me.

Laneia: When you say you were both trying to top each other, what do you mean by that? Like, in practice, what does that look like.

Amanda: She was… Well she was younger than me, and sort of new to all of this, and she was trying to use all her tricks on me — tricks that I already know. And it was very much like, “…Don’t do that to me. I have your number, I know what you’re doing.” She treated me in almost a precious way? It was just all this stuff that I know she had used on other women and I was like, “Okay we are not doing that. We’re gonna have to go in a different direction. You need a whole different bag of tricks for this.”

Laneia: Ok now I can’t stop thinking about what kind of ‘tricks’ I even use. I don’t know what my tricks are! I guess I’d know it if I saw it? Now I wanna have sex with a femme so I can be like, “This is crazy! This is not working for me!? What about you? I don’t know yeah let’s keep going!”

Where do you locate your relationship on the monogamy / polyamory spectrum? What philosophies do you have around how you handle monogamy / polyamory? How do you feel this impacts your relationship?

Amanda: Well we have a monogamous relationship. You’ve brought up several times that it would be fine if I wanted to fuck other people, but I really don’t have a desire to. I’m actually a pretty hardcore monogamist, and I think people are surprised to learn that about me. I think I give off the energy of someone who has sex with a lot of people, but yeah I like to be in relationships with just one person.

Laneia: Same, and when I say that I wouldn’t have a problem if you wanted to sleep with somebody else, that was in the beginning. But also, honestly?

Amanda: I know.

Laneia: It’s fine? Like, I feel like it’s fine.

Amanda: I don’t share that feeling.

Laneia: [Laughing] I just feel like, whatever you’re getting from me, you couldn’t get that from someone else. So if you wanted to have sex with someone it’s because there’s something about them that has nothing to do with me. Your face right now is like—

Amanda: Well, I just don’t feel that way, and that’s probably why I’m not in a poly relationship. I can’t separate that out.

Laneia: [Laughing] Honestly I can’t either! It’s very hard for me to have sex and actually enjoy any aspect of it with someone that I don’t feel safe around. And I don’t feel safe around a lot of people. But like, in theory, there’s a freedom that I’d love for you to have, if you wanted it. It’s not something I’m interested in doing myself, but… I don’t know, I sound crazy. Basically, if you were to sleep with someone else, that in and of itself wouldn’t necessarily be a final straw for me. It’s very case-by-case to me. But I know that you don’t share that take, and I respect that, explicitly.

And then how do we feel this impacts our relationship? It means we’re not having sex with other people.

Amanda: Yeah.

Laneia: The ultimate impact is that we are only fucking each other.

Amanda: The… deep impact.

Laneia: The dee— Oh my god Amanda.

Amanda: Too bad it’s not a video interview!

Do you think your relationship will more or less continue to exist as it currently is? Why?

Laneia: Well as somebody who is divorced, I love a question about the future.

Amanda: I think our relationship will ultimately be like it is right now, except that we just continue to get deeper. I feel like we’re interested in a relationship that’s growing. You and I are both in therapy, and we were before we met, and we’re very interested in bettering ourselves, all the time. So I think to come together in a relationship for us is a choice that we’re making.

Laneia: It’s not about convenience.

Amanda: It’s not, and it’s not desperation or needing to be with someone.

Laneia: There isn’t really a final achievement either.

Amanda: I think that’s from divorce. We’re really enjoying this relationship as it is, and we live in the moment with it. When it changes it’s because we’re both pushing that change, and it’s usually emotional. Like we know each other in a more intimate way, we have the kind of conversations that we’ve never had before. That’s more interesting to me than an endgame scenario where we’re married in this many years. I don’t need to be married to have a complete life. I tried it, and it turns out, that wasn’t the case.

Laneia: But also yeah, I don’t think about a future where I’m not with you anymore. We just keep choosing each other, and choosing to do this together, and I love that.

Amanda: But it is fun to fantasize about things like buying a house together, but that’s a big step! Like, legally — we both know about property now because of divorce and—

Laneia: Oh god, all that shit.

Amanda: And I know it sounds sad to say that there’s an element of like, “Well you just never know,” but I don’t feel sad about that. I think people hear that and think that we’re just assuming that we’ll break up, but I’m actually not assuming anything. And I feel good about that.

Laneia: Yeah I actually feel safer this way, where the plan is just to keep doing this for as long as we both want to be doing this. And if this ends it won’t feel like it was a waste of time, and I’m not looking ahead wondering what I’d do without you.

Amanda: That’s the other thing about divorce — I think we experienced a similar situation where our life kinda wasn’t our own life. We couldn’t be who we wanted to be. So we’re both very passionate about being our true selves all the time. I never wanna feel like, If this person leaves me, I won’t have anything. Which is what happened before: it felt like everything was gone. I lost friends, I lost everything. And that’s not even possible in this relationship, because we’ve both given each other so much room to move and be exactly who we want to be.

Laneia: Right, and it’s not even hard to do. It’s actually very fulfilling to give you space, and to take space for myself.

Amanda: Neither one of us has ever pressured the other person into feeling like this is gonna end in marriage, or that it needs to in order for either one of us to feel comfortable in the relationship.

Laneia: Yeah I feel like I was like railroaded into my last marriage, into the marriage aspect of it. You’ve not come anywhere close to that kind of thing.

Amanda: I don’t ever want you to feel railroaded. I have a lot of respect for where it is right now.

Laneia: I do too, I feel really protective of it. The only thing that I think would be fun about getting married would be like, the playlist.

Amanda: Well, let’s just be perfectly frank. We would have a fun fucking wedding.

Laneia: It would be so cute! Your suit would be adorable, so hot. My dress would be amazing. Gorgeous.

Amanda: It’d be at a venue.

Laneia: Oh my god watch me never get married in a house or a backyard again! Absofuckinglutely not. Who gets married in nothing but residential locations?!

Amanda: More than once!

Laneia: Repeatedly!

What would you say are your most fundamental differences?

Amanda: When I’ve told you how I felt about something, your instinct is to explain why that thing happened, and that’s not how I would listen to that. So we process information differently. But I think we share a lot of values, so that those differences actually end up meaning that we just take a different road to the same place.

Laneia: Exactly. And I like to sleep with white noise in the background.

Amanda: That is a fundamental difference, yes. That fatigues my ears, but I may or may not have had a traumatic brain injury.⁸

Laneia: The fact that you literally don’t know, is the best part of that. It’s not even for show: you truly may or may not have had a traumatic brain injury! We’ll find out one day.

---

⁸Amanda was thrown from the back of a motorcycle in 2018 and taken immediately to an emergency room, where she learned just exactly how they check to see if your tailbone is broken. (It involves a single finger in your rectum.) (Her tailbone was not broken.)

Do you all have any shared dreams/goals for the future or each other? What are these?

Laneia: I would love to get a house with you out in the desert somewhere.

Amanda: That seems very achievable, too. I’d love that.

Laneia: I also want you to get a car that you feel safe in.

Amanda: I want you to make all the repairs to your house that it needs.

Laneia: Yeah, I would love to get somebody to come take a look at my HVAC.

Amanda: I have that dream for you as well. And it’s not a euphemism. Otherwise I’d be takin’ care of it—

Laneia: Amanda.

Amanda: —myself!

What piece of pop culture do you share or what piece of pop culture reminds you of your relationship? What’s your movie or your show or your book or your song?

Amanda: We have so many songs. I think the first thing that we shared was that Harry Styles album. Like I can go right back to that time.

Laneia: Oh yeah, that was so fun! We’d just barely met still, and you started singing like a crazy.

Amanda: I’m a passionate car singer!

Laneia: The way you sang “Falling”! It was very endearing. You also said, “You’ll never be able to hear this song and not think about this.” And I was like, “Yeah not now!”

Amanda: We really got into 70s music, hard, because of that first summer, and the pool. I’ve been listening to that music my entire life, but when I hear it now, it’s us. And I’m not even thinking about one day, it’s just the feeling of that summer, of being out there, and your face. I can see the whole thing.

Laneia: When Harry Met Sally reminds me of you now, and I loved it before I met you! But now there’s no way around it, it’s you. Weirdly Fleetwood Mac, also.

Amanda: Exactly! And I’ll say this: there are Fleetwood Mac songs that were already attached to specific moments in my life, but when I hear them now, you’re all I think about.

Tell us a funny story about your partner!

Laneia: I’ve dreaded this one since I first saw these questions! It’s too hard! Like, to pick one thing would mean having to explain—

Amanda: First of all it would be like, “Let me get you to understand this inside joke. Okay. Do you have it now? Okay, now imagine this other situation, months later, after we’ve mined the inside joke and we thought we’d forgotten about it, and then—” Yeah, you make me laugh every day. We delight each other.

Laneia: If I were to pick something that you do, that’s funny every time? It’s the singing, that whole act. It never gets old. I’m your number one fan. And I love you in the morning, it’s very silly.

Amanda: I’m ready for the day! I love being that way in the mornings and then you’re — you’re not quite ready to go yet, in the morning. It’s a version of you that’s funny in a completely different way, it’s very no-nonsense, no filter. And your hair is very sticky uppy in the back, so that’s cute. We also do a lot of bits.

Laneia: Oh that’s one of the best things about being with you. The bits are respected, a respected practice.

Amanda: I think it’s remarkable that we remember all of them! But yeah it’s the wordplay, the inside jokes. We love to roast movies.

Laneia: Nineties movies especially. Not old films though — I don’t feel like I have any business roasting old films.

Amanda: Well you’d have to do it in a transatlantic accent.