Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

A long time ago in a land far away (early 2008-ish), I met a girl named Becky who asked me to go on a date with her because I hung out with her five times without ever singing “Baby Got Back.” I thought she asked me out because I was smart and funny and oh so charming, but later she told me it was the “Baby Got Back” thing. “No offense,” she said. None was taken. I dated Becky before I started writing my life story on the internet, so she asked me not to share her picture or social media, but she did say I could post “something” from around the time we dated, so.

Heather: Hey, man. Thanks for agreeing to do this interview.

Becky: No worries, man.

Heather: I say “man” too much. It’s a problem. It’s because of Adventure Time, I think.

Becky: Oh, are we going to kick this thing off by talking about how annoyed I used to get that you only wanted to watch cartoons.

Heather: I didn’t only want to watch cartoons! I like a lot of TV! I think you were more annoyed that I like cartoons and comic books and action figures and Legos. A lot of youth culture stuff.

Becky: I wasn’t annoyed by it. I just didn’t understand it at first. It became endearing. I bought you a Hogwarts Express Lego train, didn’t I?

Heather: You did! So there are five questions I’ve got to ask you and you can say whatever you want. I won’t edit it out or anything, no matter how brutal you are.

Becky: You’re a puppy! I’m not going to be brutal to you! But, um, please don’t like link to my Twitter or anything, in case I accidentally do slip up and say something mean. You weren’t a professional lesbian when we were dating.

Heather: Professional lesbian. Ha! So, OK. How long did we date?

Becky: Um, like six months maybe. And then a couple of months of random hookups after that.

Heather: We were much better at just hooking up than being in a relationship.

Becky: No, you were much better at hooking up than being in a relationship. My wife still doesn’t believe me that you never once slept over at my apartment.

Heather: Why did we break up?

Becky: Because you wouldn’t sleep over at my apartment.

Heather: Come on!

Becky: I’m just kidding. Um. I think I was ready to get really serious and start thinking of a future together and you’re — no offense, you’re just kind of — I don’t want to say selfish, because you’re not. You’re always thinking about other people. I think it’s more like, you’re not selfish with your stuff, but you’re selfish with yourself? Which isn’t a bad thing! I think you knew you couldn’t commit the way I wanted you to, right? Anyway, obviously it worked out for both of us in the end.

Heather: Yes, very true. I think we’re both in really good places now, and in relationships that make us very happy. You would have been miserable with me long term.

Becky: I really would have.

Heather: What did you learn from our relationship?

Becky: That you can’t have sex unless it’s completely quiet.

Heather: That’s not true! It doesn’t have to be completely quiet! I have ADHD! Background noise makes me crazy!

Becky: We had to stop having sex dozens of times because my neighbors’ music was too loud, or you needed to turn off the TV, or — do you remember that time off the mountain bike trail with that brass band?

Heather: What the hell was that even? I still don’t know what that was. No one could make out with that much tuba blaring in her ears! Where did that band even come from? We were in that little clearing and it was all birds and crickets and the creek and then TUBA! DRUMS! TRUMPETS!

Becky: It’s funny now, but it was infuriating when it happened. I think I learned a lot from you, Hogan. I had to figure out my own shape in the world before I could be happy. Because, like, I would have twisted myself into any shape for you, and I kind of did, but you knew exactly who you were, or like what your soul’s purpose was on the planet, and you don’t waste time on things that don’t sort of nourish your spirit, and after we broke up, I really worked on myself to figure that out too.

Heather: That’s a really nice, kind of heartbreaking thing to say.

Becky: I don’t feel like it’s heartbreaking. We were so young and stupid. I would have been unhappy forever if I hadn’t learned that lesson. You helped me learn it, even though it sucked. But I’m glad now.

Heather: What do you miss most about me?

Becky: Your germ phobias.

Heather: Yes, that is one of my more endearing qualities.

Becky: And how you won’t ride water rides at amusement parks.

Heather: I don’t want to be walking around all day with squishy wet shoes! And also, the water at those places is disgusting!

Becky: Germ phobia.

Heather: I mean, okay. But seriously, that water is a cesspool. People spit in it and who knows what other stuff. There’s E.Coli in that water. Shigellosis, which gives you dysentery, dude, like from Oregon Trail. Hepatitis A. You can get worms from that water. Like a cat’s butt. Is it worth those risks to cool off? Have a bottle of water and sit in the shade, man.

Becky: I miss that you’re a know-it-all.

Heather: No, you don’t.

Becky: No, I really don’t.

Heather: I get the feeling that you want to air a list of public grievances.

Becky: Ha! No!

Heather: Did I ever tell you this girl I one time dated made a list of 100 annoying things about me when we broke up. She snail mailed it to me and emailed it to me, just to make sure I got the message.

Becky: That’s amazing. Do you still have the list?

Heather: Oh, I’m sure it’s still in my email. Do you want to say the five most annoying things about me and see if it matches up to her list?

Becky: Kind of. Is that awful?

Heather: Nah, you say the five things and I’ll find the email.

Becky: Okay. Um. Number one is how you really do hate noise. I know it’s ADHD or whatever—

Heather: “Or whatever.”

Becky: You know what I mean. I know you can’t help it, but it’s crazy-making. And number two is kind of like number one, which is that if I asked you to go to a party with me, you’d say yes, but then I wouldn’t see you for two weeks because you wanted to sit in a quiet room by yourself. And number three—

Heather: Oh! I found the email! You were wrong about numbers one and two. She says number one is I only ever want to eat Mexican food and number two is I quote the lines of famous movies when I watch them. She’s right, that second thing is annoying.

Becky: I forgot you do that. Yeah, she’s right. That’s my number three.

Heather: Her number three is “too many t-shirts.” Like, I am so sure there’s such a thing as “too many t-shirts.” What’s fourth and fifth for you?

Becky: You were kind of flirty with everyone.

Heather: I’m just nice!

Becky: And number five is every time I called you out on flirting, you’d be like, “I’m just nice,” just like you did right then, and no one can argue with that because you are actually really fucking nice.

Heather: I want a t-shirt that says “I’m really fucking nice.”

Becky: Too many t-shirts!

Heather: Stacy doesn’t care how many t-shirts I own. I buy more and more and she never even complains.

Becky: I don’t really believe in soul mates, but I do believe Stacy was sort of of made for you.

Heather: Yeah. I’m insane crazy in love with her.

Becky: It’s funny to hear you say stuff like that. I mean that in a nice way. I didn’t think you had it in you, Hogan.

Heather: You have to say a thing you actually miss about me now.

Becky: Um. I miss talking to you. That’s what I miss. You can talk about anything. You’re really good at listening, do you know what I mean? You’re really good at being told a story. You laugh and gasp at all the right parts. You ask good questions. You know a lot of stuff.

Heather: You’re a very good storyteller. It’s easy to listen to you. I’ll bet most people find it very easy to listen to you.

Becky: That’s what I miss! I miss how sincere you are when you give people compliments! It’s really easy to believe you when you say nice things. You made me feel like a really good person.

Heather: You are a good person!

Becky: I’ve become grizzled since we last saw each other.

Heather: Grizzled!

Becky: “Grizzled Femme” is a gender identity I am working out.

Heather: Okay, last question. Would you invite me to your wedding? You did invite me to your wedding! It was beautiful, one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to.

Becky: I think so. It was a perfect day.

Heather: And now you’ve got two babies and they are beautiful and also the best. I do think you missed an opportunity to name twin boys “Fred and George,” though.

Becky: Oh, that’s another thing I don’t miss about you: how you’ll interrupt strangers on the street if you think they’re blaspheming Harry Potter.

Heather: They deserve more than to be interrupted if they’re blaspheming Harry Potter.

Becky: Is that all your questions?

Heather: One more. Why didn’t you name your sons Fred and George? That’s a huge failure in your life, Becks.

Becky: I said not to say my name!

Heather: I didn’t say your Twitter! I only said your nickname! (Her Twitter is @MollyWobbles.)

Becky: Shut up, that’s not my Twitter.

Heather: Okay, thanks for doing this interview. I appreciate you telling the world I cannot do sex when it’s noisy.

Becky: You cannot do anything when it’s noisy.

Heather: OKAY, BYE REBECCA.

That was Becky, who still does not like the song “Baby Got Back.” It’s understandable. More understandable than how she didn’t name her twins after the Weasleys.

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