Chapter 4
Louis turned back to Blaze, who was looking confused. Louis began his pitch again.
“So, how about we have a meeting right now at my private studio?”
Blaze looked bewildered, “What?”
“Yeah, come on, we can get started on this right now! You’ve got talent. We can get you at the top of the charts in a matter of weeks! You’re working on an album, right?”
“I mean, I have an EP…”
“Perfect, let’s go. Right now.”
“I don’t know…”
“Oh come on. Surely someone with a name like Blaze does cool and dangerous things.
Hearing her own new name reminded Blaze of how cool she was. Louis was right, someone with a name like Blaze does do cool and dangerous things. Like hang out with strangers, set off illegal fireworks, destroy the world. Blaze knew it was her responsibility as someone named Blaze to go record her EP with someone she just met at a place she did not know. Blaze agreed to go and Louis smiled and shook her hand. They carried out Blaze’s equipment and loaded it into Louis’ car and took off. They did not notice the car pull out of the parking lot behind them.
“So,” Louis began as he drove, “is Blaze your real name?”
“It’s my real middle name.”
“What’s your real first name?”
“Katie.”
Louis made a disgusting glottal sound. “Never tell anyone that again!”
“What? Why?”
“You know exactly why! Your whole image hinges on the name Blaze. Nobody wants to hear music from someone named Katie. People want intense names like Mick Jagger, Sid Vicious, Fats Domino, Blaze. You get it?”
“Yeah totally. Fats.”
“Alright. Good. We’re here.”
Louis and Blaze had pulled up in front of a seemingly deserted storefront. They got out of the car and Louis pulled out some keys and unlocked the door. Blaze and Louis stepped inside. Across the street, a car slowly came to a halt. Inside the car, Jodie Foster nervously ate a Subway sandwich.
The store was not deserted, but rather a glistening new recording studio. Blaze could not believe her eyes. She had to tell Louis.
“I can’t believe my eyes! I had no idea this place was even here!”
“That’s because it wasn’t here.”
“What?”
“I built it for you, Blaze. I knew I was destined to meet you.”
“Oh no.” Blaze said, “You’re going to murder me aren’t you.”
“No. I’m going to make you go double platinum.”
“What? Everything that’s happened so far is pointing to murder.”
Louis put his hands on Blaze’s shoulders; she did not resist even though she was 95% sure she was about to be murdered.
“Blaze, this is going to be hard to believe, you may want to sit down.”
Louis gestured towards a plush couch. Blaze sat down and Louis continued.
“Have you heard of the poet Emily Dickinson?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Well, in 1880 Dickinson wrote something that was not a poem. It was a prophecy about a supreme dyke. After Dickinson’s clairvoyance, she entrusted the prophecy to the highest power lesbians of the present and future. She made them swear to save the earth from this one super gay. Dickinson predicted she would be hotter and cooler than all the dykes on the planet combined. Butch, femme, tomboy, timboy, actual boy, it didn’t matter. This girl could have one million hands and still not be able to manage the amount of pussy she’d be getting.”
“Ew…that’s awesome.”
“Right. And it’s become clear, Blaze, that you are that lesbian; the one that will end all other lesbians.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You’ve got the talent, the looks, and most importantly, the name.”
Blaze sat sinking into the couch while taking all the information in. Though Louis’s story was crazy, Blaze knew it was true. She could feel the lesbian in her growing more potent every second. But some things were still unclear.
“I have two questions.”
“Sure”
“First, why are ‘high powered lesbians’ trying to stop me?”
“Why else Blaze? Jealousy. They don’t want to lose their status as hotties. They know you will trump them all and no one will ever drool over them on Tumblr again. Next question.”
“Was Emily Dickinson really a lesbian?”
“Seriously? Have you read one, just one, of her poems?”
“Okay, okay. So I will have power over every girl on the planet?”
“All the ones with short nails, yes. Also I’m sure you’ll help thousands of women realize they’re a little higher on the Kinsey Scale than they realized.”
“Incredible.”
“Yes. Now, before we begin, I need to step out for a second to make a phone call.”
Louis left the store and briskly walked across the street to where Jodie was parked. He strode up so quickly Jodie hardly had time to react. He knocked on her window and Jodie dropped her sandwich into her lap, Louis motioned for Jodie to roll the window down. Sweaty and sandwichy, Jodie rolled the window down.
“Hello Louis.”
“Hello Jodie. I suppose you’re here to stop me?”
“I’m here to stop her.”
“Well you can’t, Jodie. And I’ll tell you why: Blaze is unstoppable, you’re too late. By next week she’ll be so popular she’ll make Lady Gaga look like Vanilla Ice.”
“No! Lady Gaga has 40 million followers and Vanilla Ice has approximately 170k! Statistically speaking that’s impossible. Blaze would have more fans than Earth’s current population!”
“Exactly. Damn Jodie, you might be a pussy, but you’re good at mental math.”
“Thank you, it’s easier when you put it all in scientific notation.”
“How did you know Lady Gaga’s and Vanilla Ice’s followers off the top of your head?”
“That’s all you do when you’re a celebrity — see who’s winning the Twitter game.”
“So if I asked you any celebrity, you could tell me how many followers they have on Twitter?”
“Yes.”
“Jessica Alba.”
“Six and a half million.”
“Dave Chappelle”
“416k”
“The lead singer of Fall Out Boy. No! Lead singer of Blink 182.”
“His name is Tom DeLonge and he’s ten thousand shy of half a mil.”
“Damn Jodie, you’re good. It’s too bad I have to kill you.”
Louis pulled a gun from the back of his pants, but before he could get anywhere close to aiming, Jodie’s quick reflexes from years of action movies led her to slam on the gas and the car screeched away, knocking Louis to the ground in the process. By the time he got back up, Jodie was long gone.
“No matter,” said Louis as he dusted himself off and walked back inside.
Check back next week for Intense Lesbian Fanfiction: Part Two! It’ll be INTENSE.
