I’m In My Thirties and Can’t Make Up My Mind About Having Kids

Welcome to the weekly AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our AF+ ask box!

I know this is a hard one, and I appreciate any advice on this. I’m in my mid-30s and having a hard time deciding if I want to have a child/children. I never gave it much thought before but in the past couple of years, it has been on my mind a lot. The thoughts have been “Should I or should I not?” and I’ve been thinking about it almost every day lately. It’s a really big decision.

Riese: My advice is to freeze your eggs. Really, freeze your eggs! Get your eggs ripped out of your body and then freeze ‘em up. I know it’s expensive, that’s why I didn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it, but honestly, I should’ve just financed it. (Some insurance companies do have some amount of coverage for egg freezing as well. Not many! But some. So that’s worth looking into at least.) If you’re able to do that, I would recommend it highly, because the only thing more expensive than freezing your eggs is trying to get pregnant in your forties! I realize this isn’t the emotional advice you’re seeking, but I think from the limited information I have about you, I just keep coming back to this: freeze ur eggs. Once your eggs are frozen you’ve bought yourself a few more years of time to figure it out (egg age has a far bigger impact on pregnancy outcome than womb age), and if you decide against it later, you can toss ‘em or sell them to an elderly lesbian.

Sa’iyda: This is a deep question. There are a lot of things you need to think about when deciding to have a child. Most important question: do you actually want to have a child, or do you feel like you need to have one because of outside forces/expectations? Not everyone is meant to be a parent, and that’s okay. But you need to recognize where the questioning yourself comes from. Other things you need to consider: are you okay with your entire life changing? Being a parent is a full-time job for the rest of your life. Even with the best partnership, if you decide to carry a child, you will likely become the default parents for a myriad of reasons. So you need to be prepared for that. You also need to be prepared for the lack of sleep, the changes to your body (they happen continually over the years, not just pregnancy), the changes to all of your relationships.

Do you have emotional support? Being pregnant/having a child/raising a child is an emotional rollercoaster. You’re going to need people to lean on. Are you financially prepared for a kid? They’re expensive! If you have a genuine pull to the idea of being a parent, then I say go for it. I always knew that being a mom was part of the life I envisioned for myself. Even when I question if I made the right choice, I have never once regretted becoming a mom. It wasn’t always easy; we struggled a lot, but I knew that I was meant to be this kid’s mom, and that got me through the hard parts. My kid is the best thing that ever happened to me, and changed me in so many ways. Truly, I can’t imagine my life without being a parent.

Em Win: It is a really big decision and as someone who doesn’t have children but feels their biological clock ticking away, I can relate. It sounds like you have your heart/mind set on it or otherwise you wouldn’t be thinking about it every day and writing to us about it! There are a number of factors to consider here (that I’m sure you’ve thought over a million times) such as how you would like to have children. From your own body? Adoption? A potential partner? It makes it tricky if you’re hoping your potential partner might carry children, since that’s completely dependent on the universe and timing. The next thing to think about is what being a single parent would feasibly look like and being honest with what your schedule and finances realistically look like. No matter what avenue you take, children are expensive and time-consuming. Personally, the biggest consideration I tend to think through is the cynical, more logical side, since I know my heart and soul are all in. If you’re able to make an intentional choice to have children, you’ll want to make sure you have as many ducks in a row as possible.

Nico: I am in a similar boat — I never gave being a parent much thought, always assumed I didn’t want kids — and now that I’m in my 30’s and faced with the prospect of no longer having the option of carrying a kid, should I want to, within some years, I think about it and flip flop constantly. One thing I’ve been doing to test whether I want a kid (which I have no idea about at this point) has been exposing myself to things like the r/regretfulparents subreddit. Fair warning: it’s not fun reading. But I think a lot of what we hear about becoming a parent is celebratory or surface-level, and not necessarily about just how hard it is day-to-day (and even the happiest parents will tell you about how truly challenging being a parent is). Temper this, also, with stories from parents who love being parents, or who don’t regret their decisions at all no matter how hard circumstances can get sometimes. I think if you can face the darkest potential outcomes, and you still want to be a parent, then you probably do want to be a parent for real, and it’s not a fleeting fantasy. In that case, then, I would start to look at financial, emotional, support, labor, relational and other realities and start planning ahead. To get a lay of the land, I would talk to parents in your life, listen to parenting podcasts, read books about parenting, troll Reddit — just do research and get as broad of a sense as possible. I think it is definitely, brutally hard to make a choice about something that you haven’t devoted much time to considering, when suddenly faced with the realities of one’s body and limited time on the planet. But you’re not alone in this. Sending you love!

Hi, I’m a nonbinary… Lesbian? I live in the Bible belt and Im beginning to think I might have religious based trauma. While I can relate to some resources/advice I think a lot of my experiences are informed by the fact that I am also a flavor of gay. My therapist (love her) is amazing. But she’s also not coming at this from that angle and I feel like it’s hard enough finding sources that talk about how trauma manifests differently for queer people. So does anyone have any resources for religious trauma and queerness, the match made in hell?

Em Win: Ah yes, what queer doesn’t have some type of religious trauma! You are not alone. In fact, I wrote an entire dissertation where I theoretically queered the Catholic mass mostly to resolve my own issues. I guess I have many questions in response to your questions. What does “flavor of gay” mean and how does that inform your religious trauma? Is your therapist queer? Religious? Neither? Are you wanting to keep some sense of religion or spirituality or heal from the trauma and move on? Since I’m not totally sure which avenue you’re headed down, my first suggestion is seeking out an online or in-person therapeutic group for queer folks and trauma. Sometimes it’s just a matter of google searching the key words plus your area, or even reaching out to your nearest LGTBQ+ center and asking for them to connect you to local things. It sounds like you have a lot of processing you need to do in the queer/spiritual realm, so maybe considering a new therapist is another route to take. Another suggestions is reading books or listening to podcasts about your specific spirituality (i.e. “Christianity and queerness,” “religious trauma and LGBTQ+”). I don’t have any specific resources because it widely depends on what type of healing/resolution/outcome you want, but I hope these suggestions help.

Nico: I also want to point you to our “religion” tag which has some writing on queerness and religious trauma you might find helpful, depending on what you’re looking for specifically. “I Was Trained for the Culture Wars in Home School, Awaiting Someone Like Mike Pence as a Messiah,” also, was the article that led me to Autostraddle, and I think it’s still a great read. AND Kieryn who wrote that article hosts a podcast called, Kitchen Table Cult which “unpacks all the things Kieryn and Eve learned at the kitchen tables of their childhoods in conservative Christian homeschooling families.”

Hi Autostraddle team! I have a problem with my girlfriend’s dog. We’ve been dating about a year and our relationship is going great, but she has a six year old female German shepherd who is unfriendly to me (and probably others). When I go over, sometimes she just growls at me and I’m afraid of getting bit. I also kind of suspect that this dog has bitten some of my girlfriend’s family in the past and they just let it go. I don’t want my girlfriend’s dog to get put down. I don’t really believe in that for behavior because behavior is really on training and how humans treat a dog but I don’t know what to do. I know getting nervous is just making it worse because the dog senses it. I would never dream of asking my girlfriend to give up her dog. How can I get this dog to like me? How can we cope? The dog loves her of course and they have no problems. So it’s just me 🙃

Sa’iyda: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s hard when you can’t get along with a dog, but especially when you fear that they will harm you. I think you need to talk to your girlfriend about your fear. You both need to be on the same page about how you can and should approach the dog and what can be done to make you feel safe and comfortable in her home. Maybe she’d be willing to get the dog additional training, or you two can watch YouTube videos on how to make the dog feel less threatened. The doggo might be jealous, which is something you all can likely work through! I know it’s easier said than done, but you do really need to relax when you’re around the dog. They can sense fear, and if there’s any fear in the dog, your fear will only exacerbate it. Find out what the dog’s favorite kind of special treat (think like lunch meat or peanut butter or something human) is, and when you know you’re going to see the dog, make sure you always have it. This way, the dog will begin to associate you with their favorite treat, and they will start to be excited to show you because they know they’re getting a slice of deli turkey or a square of cheese. Maybe also try a favorite toy or bringing a new toy so that you can play together and the pupper will equate you with fun instead of fear or frustration.

I already feel bad asking this question and youre probably going to say to talk to them but I dont know. I feel like I dont get something but also like maybe Im not being unreasonable. Ive been dating someone about six months. They present super sexually and are sexual with other long term partners. But…pretty soon into dating I learned that theyre new to kissing, and that they’re working on their boundaries. So we haven’t moved beyond light kissing and cuddling. One time, while we were hugging, I turned and kissed their ear (I meant to kiss their cheek but am taller and its just how it landed). They asked me to ask permission in the future before doing something like that. I apologized and then was guilty for days. I want to cry thinking about it. I felt like such a dirty dyke predator. I went back and checked their dating profile and it says their demisexual now. I dont know if it said that before. But I thoguht demisexual people got to know someone and then wanted to be more sexual after that? But it feels like theyre never gonna make a move and I honestly have felt so gross since the ear kiss thing that I cant and dont want to initiate. Now Im starting to lose my attraction to them and Im afraid Im going to have to break up with them and hurt them by just wanting to be friends. But like this is the longest I have ever gone with not having sex wiht someone Im dating. Its really weird for me and I wish they were just more open about how it all works with them. So yeah I know I know you are going to tell me to talk to them but how does it all work with demisexual people because this is confusing?

Em Win: It seems like the person you’re seeing has been sexual with other people in the past, but not with you right now? That is definitely disheartening, especially because you’re much more sexual and they seem to have a history of sexuality that seemingly matches yours. Something is certainly going on with them if they’re changing their profile mid-way to demisexual. Are you worried they might not like you that way? And what’s keeping you from talking to them? Does you need for sex outweigh what you have with this person in the relationship you currently have? Regardless, it sounds like you’ve apologized, made effort to change, and are sensitive to their needs. I understand why you feel guilty, but it was truly a mistake and you’ve clearly communicated how to move forward. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

As for demisexuality, it’s different for everyone. Some people have a short timeline of a few platonic dates before they want something sexual. Other folks need a significantly longer amount of time. I’m sorry to report that you will need to talk to them, or at least ask them what demisexuality means for them. It might be helpful to get a feel for a timeline they might be on, just so you’re not completely in the dark.