There’s a VIBE here, there are some signs maybe? But I don’t want to be seen as jealous or paranoid!

Q:

I want to start by saying that I am not normally a jealous or paranoid person and I’ve never had trust issues or anything like that. AND YET i am plagued by suspicion that my girlfriend is cheating on me with her coworker. For some background, she’s worked with her for about 4 years, which is roughly how long we have dated, so I’ve witnessed the WHOLE EVOLUTION of this friendship. My girlfriend calls her her “work wife,” but let’s call her Candy. They really bonded through lockdown and have a million inside jokes and would mail each other little presents. She leaves their group happy hour early if Candy isn’t there for whatever reason, and has said casually that it’s not worth staying if Candy’s not there. . They text outside of work about not-work things. All of this is kind of fine though! Because Candy is straight and Candy had a boyfriend this whole time until a few months ago. But I swear that ever since the breakup…. something has shifted.

They’ve started having lunch together daily more often, just the two of them, despite being part of a larger friend group of coworkers who are also getting lunch at the same time. And…. there’s a VIBE ok. This girl just has an energy! We all went bowling the other night and literally the way she tilts her head when she’s talking to my girlfriend, the way she laughs, the intense/knowing eye contact, the way she obviously is not interested in getting to know me at all… She’s also very hot and exactly my girlfriend’s type.

I have no reason to think she’s not straight, which is why I feel like I’m being ridiculous, but I mean, IS ANYONE STRAIGHT ANYMORE? And why am I so afraid to just ASK MY GIRLFRIEND if something is going on? I think I don’t want to be seen as a jealous person let alone a paranoid person, or maybe I’m worried if she thinks I’m onto her, she’ll just lie and hide it better? My relationship before this one ended because they were cheating on me with someone I thought was just a friend, and I don’t wanna miss the signs again! How do I ask her in a way that won’t ruin both of our lives??? adksaaopkog help me

Summer: This is a hard situation because you have past experiences that set you up for compromised trust in others. On the other hand, a lot of the stuff you’re describing does speak to two people being closer than simply close friends.

What I can say for certain is that you have a right to safeguard your feelings when you are stressed about something. In a situation like this, safeguarding those feelings entails feeling like you’re able to have a conversation with your girlfriend about her connection with Candy. It doesn’t have to be an accusatory conversation right out of the gate. You could take the opportunity to learn about their connection and why they’re so close. Hear your girlfriend out and express some of your feelings and nervousness.

The results of a conversation like that will tell you a lot about the actual standing of the relationship. Is your girlfriend reticent about her relationship even though you strongly believe it’s a very close one? Does your girlfriend recognize your concerns as valid and work through them with you?

At the moment, the stress and uncertainty of the situation is pushing you further into your head. That’s a risky place to live and wallow because we’re very, very prone to circling the drain of personal bias when we’re stressed out. Unfortunately, the way out is to bring in outside info and input. It could be from a trusted friend or your girlfriend, but I think you’d benefit from another set of ears to help you work the situation out.

Kayla: I’m torn here, because on the one hand I understand paranoia about a partner cheating, especially with a close coworker, because I’ve been in that exact situation and it all felt like it was happening right in front of my eyes in very obvious ways that I tried to ignore or explain away. On the other hand, I am someone who has intense close friendships and that same ex who cheated on me often accused ME of being inappropriate or too intimate with my friends when really that’s just how I naturally am in friendships. I think it’s reasonable to ask your partner about her relationship with Candy in a neutral way, like Summer suggests. That’s better than holding everything inside. But I think you also have to contend with the possibility that genuinely nothing is happening and they’re just really close friends.

Em: I agree with Summer! You will most likely find a lot of answers by seeing how your girlfriend responds to this conversation overall, which means you have to have a conversation. It sounds like you might be afraid of approaching this conversation because you might be right; maybe she is cheating, and that could be a bombshell to your relationship. Alternatively, you could be wrong, and that conversation could be a hit to your relationship. It’s normal to feel how you’re feeling, and that fact doesn’t make a potential confrontation or conversation any less scary. Sometimes when I go into hard conversations with a partner, I focus on the phrase, “I feel ___ when you ____” to remind myself to use more empathetic “I” statements. Like Kayla mentioned, it’s tough to really tell if your girlfriend is or isn’t cheating. It might just have to be a conversation you approach by taking nice, long deep breaths before and after. If you’re going to think about the negative “what ifs,” think about an equal amount of positive “what ifs!”

Our 6+ year relationship ended and now I need to figure out how to let go of my anger and resentment so we can be… friends?!

Q:

A few months ago, my 6+ year romantic relationship ended. We made it through so many things together, major medical issues, gender confirming surgery, the pandemic, death of a beloved pet, 3 different apartments, layoffs, couples therapy, you know–life. I wasn’t ready for the relationship to end even though I know we weren’t fully compatible in the ways we wanted to be (but also, who is 100% compatible?).

Anyway, my ex made the decision that they were done with our romantic relationship in a way that really highlighted for me just how selfish they can be and I find myself seeing our whole relationship through this new lens of my ex’s selfishness and I’m just unable to forgive them.

I guess I need help figuring out how to let go of my anger and resentment. My ex wants to be friends, but now with some distance I just see how codependent I was in that relationship and I’m not sure being friends would be a good idea, but I can’t tell if i’m just being petty or if I’m resisting friendship b/c I’m still angry but also I don’t want to be angry, I don’t like feeling anger.

But the other day I was picking some stuff up from our old place (I moved out months ago), and they were talking about some fun events they went to and a couple events they had coming up and I felt so hurt b/c one of the issues we were working through in couples therapy was that I felt like we didn’t prioritize fun or date nights and the tension b/t my more spontaneous adventure seeking nature and my ex’s more ‘homebody’ nature, and here they were talking about their jam-packed weekend. I guess they just didn’t want to do fun things with me. Idk.

I can’t go complete no contact b/c we are currently co-‘pawrenting’ and I can’t imagine never seeing our pets again. How do you transition from exes to friends when there is anger and resentment? Should you? Is it ok to not be friends with an ex that wasn’t toxic or abusive but just brings out parts of myself that I don’t like or is that more of a me problem that I should work on?

Summer: I feel for you. You’re currently sitting in the situation lots of co-parents find themselves in: wanting to further separate from someone but having shared stakes in something important: children, pets, friends.

From what I can tell, you’re both better off without each other. You’ve clearly done a lot of reflective work that’s shown that they weren’t the best person for you. They’ve started being more adventurous and feel like they’re in a place to seek a friendship with you. These are indicators from both sides of the fence that you’re growing again in separation.

You seem confident that becoming closer with them is a bad idea and I can definitely respect that. In your position, you’ll have to set reasonable boundaries with them that curb any further closeness (for your well-being) while ensuring you can care for the pets. That seems like the best compromise for you two. From my vantage point, it should be possible to get an outcome that keeps your pets close and your ex at arm’s length. Any attempt to deny you access to the pets because you don’t want to get closer would unfortunately say more about them than you.

You don’t have to be friends with every ex. I’m friends (on some level) with all of my exes, but some of those relationships are stronger than others. You definitely don’t have to remain friends with someone who brings out the worst in you and makes you feel disregarded. If no-contact isn’t an option, then there are still compromises you can put forward.

Em: It’s OKAY to be angry. In fact, I would encourage it. I would also be hella mad if my ex told me they’re now going out when that was a hot-button issue in our relationship. Let yourself get worked up about it in a safe environment. Learning new information and gaining new outlooks are all grieving process.. However, I also hate feeling anger, so understand wanting to push it away. As you start to unpack the relationship from a safer distance, I wouldn’t be surprised if new feelings of anger, sadness, grief, or even joy come up. Recovering from a breakup doesn’t have a timeline, especially when you need to see them on a regular basis.

If your pets weren’t in the picture, I would say go no-contact to try and explore those parts of you that are still working through that anger. I’m not friends with any of my exes and typically a big supporter of no-contact, but it’s not for everyone. Like Summer suggested, you’ll need some hard boundaries to keep your pets in your life while also creating distance between you and your ex.

Riese: You aren’t obligated to be friends with an ex, ever! But if you do want to be then the way you transition from exes to friends when there’s some resentment is to really take some time apart, I think —the co-pawrenting makes this difficult for you, but is there any way to get some space to breathe? I had a long relationship once that ended with a lot of resentment on my end (some of it fair, most of it not — both of us failed to show up for each other in certain ways, nobody was at fault, we were both good people navigating complicated feelings) and even though I went right into another relationship right away I still for some reason was holding on to so much resentment! When you’re with someone for so long, especially when the last several months are filled with so many unsaid things (as breakups often are), I think it’s not hard for that to happen. And the thing that fixes that, that makes it possible for you to one day be friends? Is time. Is space. In my case, I wanted to one day be friends, because I do like this ex so much as a person, and always will. But it took a while, probably over a year, for us to get out of that post-breakup fog into a bright sunshiney spot where real friendship was possible.

Also the “I guess they just didn’t want to do those fun things with me” feeling is totally normal, don’t take it personally! I am one of those introverted people who rarely wants to do stuff but right after a breakup I become a social butterfly and temporarily convince myself I am someone else altogether. I think that’s pretty typical. Whomstever she dates next will eventually get the version of her that you did.

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