What if I peaked in 2010?

Q

I used to be very hot. Well, I used to be young. (cue Miley Cyrus…) I also used to drink and smoke and not wear sunscreen and in general did everything you’re not supposed to do if you want to age gracefully. I have lived and that’s obvious on my face, and women in my family just generally don’t age well, we tend to droop and sag, as my mother often complained about. She literally got a facelift after her divorce so. I’ve recently become single after a 12-year relationship, and I’m really struggling with how I seem to be received now, on the dating apps, even in real life, I feel invisible in a group of friends who quite frankly are simply hotter than me, when we swap dating app stories they just get more matches than me. When I was younger if I liked someone they almost always liked me back, and now it’s so rare. The more I keep trying, the worse I feel. My appearance used to do most of the initial work for me, if you know what I mean, and I feel like I never built the toolbox on how to approach dating as an unattractive person. I know straight women feel this way so I feel even worse not being straight and still feeling this way. I know this sounds so shallow, trust me I know. Any advice for how to still put myself out there and cope with the rejection from people who I know would’ve not rejected me if we’d met in 2010? 

A

Summer: One of my best friends likes to joke that now that her hottest twenties are passing, she’s been forced to ‘develop a personality’ in order to meet people. Also, she can’t rely on validation about her attractiveness to get places in life and she really needs that personality now.

Since aging is societally presumed to be a bad thing, aging gets a negative reputation despite being an inevitability. I detest the view because if the negative is inevitable, why bother living anyway? But you’re not alone in living with this fear. I’ve felt it more keenly as I left my twenties behind.

For one, I think it would be important to you to consider alternative reasons for why you’re experiencing things like app dating rejection or friendship perceptions. It may feel like a deficiency on your part, but there is way too much at play for that to be a guarantee. Anxiety loves to find the worst possible answer to latch on to. But you may be getting fewer matches because profile trends have moved on. Or your dating app’s algorithm has changed imperceptibly and it’s affecting your profile. Maybe your sense of style hasn’t evolved with your body and you’re giving an out-of-balance vibe. Maybe your deteriorating self-esteem is subtly affecting how you interact with the world. Maybe the people in your age cohort are looking for different things or are busier than when you last dated. Maybe app dating just isn’t a good fit for you anymore.

There’s a pile of reasons for why things change around us and I’m gonna be real with you: usually our anxiety is dead wrong about which one it is. If our anxiety were correct most of the time, the suffering would be worthwhile to get a good estimation on life’s problems. But anxiety has a tendency to be very wrong and we have to dig ourselves out.

I’ll leave the advice on putting yourself out there and handling rejection to others, but I just want to reassure you of the fact that… you’re not alone in feeling this and your anxiety is being a prick to you.

Valerie Anne: The reason you might be feeling like you’re being rejected more than you used to could have nothing to do with your actual looks as much as your perception of your looks. You’re not feeling confident, and that is how people are receiving you. Find ways to make yourself feel more confident – outfits you love, a hairdo you look cute in, anything that makes you feel GOOD – and focus on that. Or even just leaning into an aspect of your personality you feel confident about; whether you’re great at cracking jokes or you have a topic of interest you have a lot of knowledge about, leaning into those aspects of the conversation to stop yourself from focusing so much on what you look like.

What you perceive about yourself to be unattractive might not be something someone else notices, especially since you’re comparing yourself to your younger self, so you notice those signs of aging, but someone meeting you for the first time is just going to see you as your age, as you are. But if you’re putting yourself down or even just in your head about it, that’s the energy people are going to notice. I know it’s easier said than done, but finding ways to feel more confident and change your perspective could really help here.

Riese: Not to sound like a therapist, but it feels like maybe the messaging that looks are what’s most important when dating could’ve come from your mother and it might be good to unpack that! Firstly it’s not true that older faces are less attractive than younger faces, we have been brainwashed to believe that. But to be real, I definitely feel you, returning to apps as a less-hot grown-up in my late 30s was a different experience than the effortless popularity I experienced on dating sites in my early 20s. But it’s not like I connected or clicked with more people when I was younger, I just got more first dates with people who I ended up usually not liking in a serious way anyhow. 

I don’t really think looks really matter that much when it comes to long term compatibility with a partner, you know?  Anybody who doesn’t realize that is likely not the right person for you. But Valerie is right, I really think confidence is the most important thing! Ask your friends to pick your profile pictures, so they can pick pics that really radiate who you are rather than the ones that you think are the most flattering to whatever perceived flaws you have. Then read Assume Everyone Thinks You’re Hot, I’m Serious and do what it says.

Can’t shake the apathy of being alone after 15 years.

Q

I was alone, at the holidays, after 15 years of being with my partner. And while I don’t miss her (lying and cheating ensured I quickly got over her) I can’t shake the apathy of just being alone now. I miss daily conversation and moments. But I don’t have a ton of free time to spare. What should I do?

A

Summer: The loss of a long-term relationship shares many similarities to grief. Although there were doubtless terrible things, you did also lose someone who is integral to your life and lifestyle. She was probably your main source of contact and socialization for a very long time. It’s completely normal to miss the constant connection, but you know she’s not the right person for it.

My first thought? Don’t be above blocking her. If things ended on speaking terms, you can even tell them you need to block them for a while to give yourself necessary space to heal. If not? Block ’em. Or at least mute them on social media apps that have options for that (you can mute on Insta. FB has a ‘take a break’ options, etc.).

Lastly, maybe look for other social pursuits that could fill the need for socialization and keep your mind off her?

Motti: I can’t begin to imagine how disorienting it could be to exit a 15 year long relationship. You are so valid for not knowing quite how to act. What I do know, though, is that reaching out to her is only going to prolong your inevitable need to learn to be alone. No matter what, you have a responsibility to yourself to learn how to live on your own and be comfortable with yourself. Sounds harsh, I know, but everyone needs to do this! If you text your ex, you’re only setting yourself back because at the end of the day, that chapter is over and she cannot provide you with what you need right now. Only you can. Once you learn to be on your own, you’ll learn to “love again” or just feel more empowered to start dating again or make new friends.

Valerie Anne: Consider recruiting a friend or group of friends that you can text when you have the urge to text your ex. You can even game-ify it, choose a code word or phrase that means “stop me from texting my ex” so they know it’s time to go into Distraction Mode. I definitely recommend removing her from your contacts, so it’s not as easy to do out of habit, give your brain enough time to catch up to your impulses.

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