Welcome to the 42nd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. Next month’s theme is WORK DRAMA! Please get your questions in by Monday, September 6, 2021! The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

I’m sober (no booze, no weed, no anything else) and have been for a while. I decided to become sober not because of addiction, but because it was way better for my mental health (PTSD, depression) and physical health (chronic fatigue, chronic pain). Increasingly I’m realising that I actually don’t love being around people who aren’t sober. Partially it’s just not that fun to be around people who are very not-sober when you are sober; partially also it brings up things related to PTSD that are hard for me. (Yes, I’m in therapy and I’m working on it.)

Is the desire to not be around people who are not-sober a valid boundary to have (especially since it doesn’t stem from addiction)? I feel like I’m never going to make new friends or date someone seriously :/ and it’s been making me feel bummed. Whenever I meet people who I click with, they’re always inviting me to the pub with their friends or out for a beer in the evening or to smoke weed with them/hang out with them after they’ve been smoking weed, and honestly all of those situations are situations I don’t feel like being in.

A:

Bailey: Sounds like a valid boundary to me. I think it’s time to find people who can do non-sober things with you, like museums, bubble tea, theme parks. If you haven’t already, perhaps also make your boundaries clear to your friends and new people you meet. If they respect you, they will respect your boundaries. Be patient with yourself; you’ll find people who you click with and who respect what you need for your mental health.

Ro: I hope you’re super proud of yourself for taking steps towards improving your physical and mental health and I hope you know that your needs are absolutely valid. I’m not a sober person, but I’ve taken breaks from drinking alcohol for long stretches of time to improve my symptoms during chronic illness flares and to protect my mental health when I was struggling. I know that it can be hard (and boring) to be around a bunch of drunk or high people when you’re stone cold sober, and it makes sense that you’d want to stay away from those situations.

It’s also possible to make friends who A) are also sober or B) are willing to participate in activities that aren’t centered around drinking/ smoking. Regarding making sober friends: search online for sober events in your area (they’re not just for people who are in recovery). Invite your non-sober friends to daytime things — go for a walk in the park, gather a group to attend a yoga class, go thrifting, go to a movie theater where they don’t serve alcohol, etc. Let your pals know in advance that you’ve love for this to be a sober hangout. Assuming that your friends aren’t all people who are dealing with addiction, they’ll probably be willing to respect your needs.

Kayla: I agree with everyone who has said this is absolutely a valid boundary for you to set. I also think it’s possible for you to meet friends who not only will respect the boundary but might share it in common. Don’t feel like you need to “prove” your sobriety to anyone. Just because you’re not in recovery from addiction doesn’t mean that your choices and boundaries are any less valid. Like Ro said, sober events include people who are sober for any number of reasons. As for existing friends or friends you happen to make in other spaces who might not be sober, I think it’s valid to set this boundary up front. Just say that you prefer not to hang out at the pub or in settings with drugs or alcohol and suggest some potential sober activities you’d love to do with them (like some of the ones Ro mentioned). If your friends know your needs and expectations up front, it’ll be easier for them to meet them!

Vanessa: I also agree with everyone here that it’s a very valid boundary and that you should absolutely not despair about not making new friends or romantic partners because of this boundary. I have quite a few friends who have become sober over the course of our friendship; some of them are still happy to hang around boozey atmospheres and some of them absolutely aren’t. I’m not a sober person, but I love my pals, and if they don’t want to be around substances, I will simply not put them in a position of being around substances. That is a very small (read: non-existent) price for me to pay to hang out with people I love. Likewise, when you’re getting to know new people, if they’re excited about getting to know YOU, learning about your sobriety and your boundaries are just part of the experience. There are SO MANY THINGS TO DO on this planet that are best sober. You’re actually giving people who spend time with you a gift of thinking outside the box if they’re used to defaulting to bars. One extra thing I will say is that this might take a little bit of direct communication on your part. I know it sucks to always have to be the one suggesting something else, but people won’t know you don’t want to be at the bar unless you say so (I wish the opposite were true but alas, at least in the USA, that is not the default). So don’t be shy to speak up. You got this!

Q2:

Hi, so my abusive ex and I have mutual friends. Our mutual friends are very respectful of my boundaries and don’t mention my ex and won’t invite me to events that they know she’s going to attend; however, they’re still friends with her and it drives me up the wall. I see them interact with her on social media (even through blocking her account and certain words on twitter) and I just –. It just makes me enraged that they still want to be friends with her after all the stuff I’ve told them about her and what she did to me.

They, of course, have every right to be friends with whoever they want and i would never ever ask them for an ultimatum. I just… need advice on how to not be so upset over it. I deleted my twitter account because i couldn’t do see them interact anymore. I’m in therapy which i know is number one, but was wondering if y’all have any advice on this matter. like should i talk to them about how it makes me mad?? i don’t think so. but yeah; any kind of advice would be v appreciated

p.s.
thank you so much for all that you do for the queer community. these advice columns have been a lifesaver (sometimes quite literally) and have helped me so much with my gender and sexuality. y’all deserve all the praise

A:

Kayla: I’m really sorry you’re in this position. I think your feelings are completely valid. I also think there aren’t a ton of options here. You’re right that people have the right to be friends with whoever they want. But you also have a right to make your own choices here. I do think it’s possible to have a conversation with your friends about how you’re feeling about all this that does not seem like an ultimatum. It’s possible they legitimately don’t know you’re struggling with this. It could encourage them to do some internal work about why they’re still friends with this person. But ultimately, you have no control over other people’s relationships. And it’s best if you actually embrace that lack of control and actually shift toward the things you DO have control over. You have control over your investment in these friendships. Deleting Twitter was a good move. Stick with that. If you need to take some space from these friends who have remained in touch with your ex, do that. Sometimes space and distance can do a lot here. And it’s the thing you have control over! You gotta prioritize yourself here.

Riese: I used to feel the same way about an abusive ex of mine and I spent a long time reckoning with that. I was in some ways in a good spot because by the end, all my close friends had seen their toxic behavior with their own two eyes and had been waiting eagerly for me to extract myself from the situation so they could stop pretending to like them to protect me from further abuse. But as for the people who stayed in their orbit — I felt like if they could still be friendly with my ex, it meant they didn’t believe or respect me. I wondered if my ex was telling them stories about me to turn them against me in the same way my ex did to me about mutual friends when we were together. I thought that these humans still being kind to them would give my ex the impression that what they did to me was okay. But perhaps most of all, I wanted my ex to be as miserable and damaged and broken as they had left me.

I agree with Kayla, it’s good to focus on what you do have control over here, which is simply yourself. I think it would be good to talk to your friends about how you feel around their interactions with your ex — you might not be able to control their actions, but they should know how it makes you feel to see that friendship, especially in public. They very well could have no idea it’s hurting you so much because people are really random with how they handle social media. They need to be asking themselves some questions too about why they’re still friends with this person.

And what I’m about to say I realize might sound … like some irritating white lady in linen pants chanting about inner peace while doing complicated yoga poses… with time, my feelings about it did eventually change. I try to remember that very few people are 100% bad, including my ex. I know that better than anyone since of course I myself was in love with them for some time, will always care about them, and I know that they have many good qualities. I believe in restorative justice over punitive justice. I can’t rely on their misery to engender my happiness. And anybody who could be as awful to me and others as they were obviously has a LOT OF INTERNAL DEMONS, so no matter how happy they seem on social, they’re likely still wrestling with those and not exactly walking on sunshine. Somebody who was toxic towards me could very well be a good friend to someone else. Maybe they’ve changed, even! People can change. So I have come around to even forgiving them. My Mom always told me that “living well is the best revenge.” So I have tried to do that instead.

Vanessa: Riese’s advice is maybe what we should end on, seeing as I’m about to circle back around to holding a grudge and protecting yourself at all costs, but you know, that’s the beauty of the A+ Advice Box — you get a sampling of all our brains and then you get to make your own choices! I am also so sorry you’re in this position. It’s incredibly painful, it sucks. It will eventually not be quite so painful, but I know that’s not useful to read right now. I will say that I personally have experienced what you’re describing, and it’s hell. I did end friendships over it. I blocked people on Instagram because of it. I lost a huge entire friend group over it. I was absolutely painted as the bad guy. And then my abusive ex repeated her pattern to another one of our friends and most people decided to cut her out and some even apologized to me. I’m even friends with some of the people I cut out again! So. Life is long and there are a lot of ways this could go. I think the best thing I did for myself, which I would suggest you do for yourself, is consider the pros and cons of keeping your pals who are still willing to be friends with your ex in your life. People are, for the most part, pretty conflict averse and don’t want to rock the boat. And many people do share Riese’s perspective that people change, deserve the chance to experience restorative justice, etc. Is that what’s going on here? Would it harm you more to burn every bridge rather than stay the course and silently feel really hurt and betrayed? There is no right answer and there is no easy answer. And for the record, I believe in restorative justice too — but you don’t have to be in community with someone just because they have changed or because they have the capacity to change. And I do believe it’s reasonable to hope your nearest and dearest would hold that boundary, too. I want to validate what you’re experiencing. It sucks. It’s really hurtful. I think telling your friends how you’re feeling could be helpful. You don’t have to stop being so upset over it. You just have to work on healing yourself. Time does change things, often in the most unexpected ways. I’m sending you every good vibe I have. <3

Riese: Right, if any of your Nearest and Dearest are still actual close friends with your ex — don’t feel bad about not being able to handle that. I also think you deserve to know why they’re still friends with your ex — you have a right to wonder if they aren’t taking your account of the relationship seriously.

I’m a person who has found that I am healthier inside when I let go of grudges, even grudges against people who temporarily ruined my life. Anger doesn’t serve me, worrying about what other people are doing and whether or not they are ignoring someone on my behalf doesn’t serve me. For me, focusing entirely on shunning and hating and spreading bad energy towards them wasn’t as productive or rewarding as working on myself and how I could improve my own life and relationships. And I am able to that without absolving them of responsibility for their actions or denying myself my own pain. But that takes time and wasn’t possible at first. Over the last year I have been trying to let go of the psychic baggage that gets in the way of me manifesting positivity in my own life, and how I felt towards this person specifically was my biggest block on that journey. It was incredibly freeing for me to be able to shift my focus. Over time you’ll figure out what serves you to hold onto and what serves you to let go of, and that can change.

But that doesn’t work for everybody, and it took many years for me to get there and would not have been possible in the immediate aftermath. I am sorry for what you are experiencing. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. I wish you all the healing and love that exists.

Q3:

Hello! I have a question about making adult friends :) I’ve heard that some folks use Lex as a way to meet friends in their area. Is that a thing? And if it’s not, do you have any recommendations of other online apps/websites for meeting queer buddies that live nearby?

A:

Bailey: When it comes to apps I have had much more luck meeting friends on Tinder through the years (make it clear you just want to make friends) and it’s always my go to when I move to a new city. Bumble BFF is an option – for some reason I saw more Christian straight moms on that app but my partner saw a shit tonne of POC queers. Also worth mentioning: Facebook groups and Meetup.

Ro: People absolutely use Lex to make friends! I also second the Bumble BFF recommendation. Like Bailey, I initially saw a bunch of straight women who only listed “brunch” and “wine o’clock” as their interests, but after using the app for a while, the algorithm figured out what I was looking for. I also know folks who use Tinder for making friends (just make sure you clarify that you’re seeking friends in your bio).

Kayla: When it comes to apps that feature people seeking multiple kinds of relationships (like Tinder or Lex), just be upfront about the fact that you’re looking for friends, and you’re golden! But apps specifically for friendships—like Bumble BFF, as others have suggested—could be the move here. I know people who have had instant success on Bumble BFF! But just like with dating apps, sometimes it takes more time/effort to find someone you really vibe with. I also like using social media apps like Twitter to make friends, but it’s harder to meet LOCAL friends that way. Facebook allows for more regional-based searching! Look for queer nights/events around your area.

Vanessa: I’m going to be honest, I’m always confused when I read ads on Lex where people are looking for friends. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea or people don’t do it (clearly they do) but I personally am always surprised. Lex just feels… so horny? To me? I’ve had friends have really good luck with Meetup.com (old school!) and as always, I am a strong advocate of Instagram community — slide into those DMs!

Q4:

Any tips for working out what your ideal configuration of social relationships is? Socially anxious and have never felt really satisfied with my constellation of friends and family and dates. I’m working on the skills of reaching out to friends more and not telling myself I suck at all of this so much, but my therapist asked me what would make me feel satisfied and I wasn’t sure. What are some questions I could ask myself to help me figure out things like how many friends and partners I want to have, how often I want to see them, what activities I want to share, etc?

A:

Ro: Here are a few questions that might help you determine the quality and quantity of people you want to have in your circle:

-What are my values?
-Which values do I want my friends and partners to share?
-What does my schedule look like? Am I feeling overwhelmed?
-How much time am I willing to devote to maintaining friendships and relationships?
-After I socialize, do I tend to feel energized or drained?
-What activities do I enjoy on my own?
-Would I enjoy any of these activities more with some company?
-Do I feel more comfortable during one-on-one hangouts, small group hangouts or large events?
-Do I like to initiate plans or do I prefer that others initiate plans?

Kayla: Ro’s list of questions is great! Also, it’s important to check in with yourselves about those kinds of questions from time to time, because our social needs and expectations can change a lot. I think the big thing to focus on in the beginning is really figuring out how much time and energy you have to give and how much you would like to receive. What do you have space for in your life right now? Both in terms of your actual day-to-day schedule but also in terms of space for intimacy. Do you want people in your life who you can text all day every day? Do you want more in-person contact and care less about the texting thing? It’s also okay if you don’t know the answers to these questions off the top of your head! That’s why I think it’s good to not only ask these questions of yourself in the first place but to also revisit them. When you find yourself in a social situation that does feel satisfying, maybe jot down those feelings and see if you can identify specific aspects that feel good (the number of people present, the types of conversations had, the specific activities done, etc). Think of it like collecting data! Then it’ll get easier and easier to answer those questions Ro posed.

Vanessa: I love Ro and Kayla’s questions, and I also want to share some knowledge I received recently from a polyamorous coach (my therapist is a saint but she doesn’t really “get” polyamory and so I have been learning/growing outside the realm of traditional therapy and I LOVE IT, cannot recommend highly enough!): I was questioning if a certain kind of relationship would work for me, and she said, “Well, I guess you’ll have to try it and see!” As someone who is obsessed with being in control and hates failing, it is very scary and not natural for me to think about “trying something to see if it works for me” ESPECIALLY when it comes to friendship and/or relationships, but it’s really such sound advice. You say what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t been fulfilling — try some different things, even without the question guide. Give yourself permission to just try new constellations out. This has been very freeing advice for me and I hope it serves you (or someone else here!) too.

Q5:

Thanks for doing a friendship themed advice box! My Q:

I recently told a friend I needed space from our relationship- this is someone who lives out of state, and I realized that I’m harboring some resentment based on the way this friend treated me the last time we saw each other in person a couple yrs ago. They were understanding of my request and I said I would just let them know when I am ready to reconnect. I feel so dumb even asking this but like… how much time is too much time for me to take? Even though my friend was understanding, I still feel insanely guilty for putting up this boundary. I keep thinking that if I don’t actively work on processing why I’m upset at this friend, then too much time will go by and then my friend will be mad at me for taking so long and will not want to rekindle the friendship. Also, I worry that even with enough time away I just won’t ever feel like talking to this friend again— honestly I feel so annoyed at them right now (both for this most recent time we saw each other, and for things that had added up over the years in our friendship which I never fully confronted this friend about). Also, one of the reasons I asked this friend for space is that I am going through a lot of family difficulty right now with illness/caregiving and I just do not have the bandwidth to process this friend situation right now. I keep guilt tripping myself though and thinking, “Ok in like 5 months or whenever things feel more calmed down in my personal life *then* I really need to get back to this friend with an answer.”

A:

Ro: You did an important and powerful thing for yourself: you told your friend what you needed and set a boundary. So continue giving yourself what you need! Most of the time, we can’t know exactly how much time we’ll need to process something difficult that happened in a friendship or in a relationship, so it completely makes sense that you told your friend that you’re taking space without putting a specific timeline on your process. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now and need some more time — that’s ok. You might never feel ready to rekindle this friendship, and that’s ok, too. It’s certainly possible that you’ll get to a place where you’re ready to reconnect and your friend won’t be interested in the friendship anymore, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Healthy, solid friendships happen when both people are enthusiastic about maintaining the friendship. If that’s not the case for one or both of you, then you’re better off without each other. If you would feel better reaching out to say, “Hey, I know some time has passed and I’m still taking space,” go for it, but I don’t think you have to do that. Keep taking care of you.

Kayla: There’s genuinely no expiration date on processing or on friendship. It sounds like you really needed to set this boundary, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for it. Like think about it this way: Do you honestly think your friendship with them would have felt good for either of you if you were holding onto these feelings and still forcing yourself to spend time with/talk to them? Probably not! So taking the space and setting the boundary is absolutely better for both of you than the alternative. It is indeed possible you might realize that you don’t want to rekindle the relationship at all. I know that can be scary; I know ending friendships is hard (idk if this is an unpopular opinion but sometimes it’s harder than ending romantic relationships imo!). But again, if that what needs to happen, it’s what’s best for both people involved. Because a friendship with tons of unspoken resentment under the surface doesn’t feel great for anyone. I do think you should keep in mind that if you do want to rekindle the friendship, it could likely mean you’ll have to let go of a lot of the past and almost start from scratch. Of course you can talk about times you were hurt in the past and detail to the friend how it shapes your expectations of them moving forward, but you won’t really be able to like fully unpack/rehash the past in a productive way in my experience. So you might have to choose if you’re willing to almost ~start over~ with this friend after you’ve had some time to process.

Vanessa: I give you permission to fully remove this situation from your brain for as long as you like! You can keep this boundary forever! You can revisit this in a year! You can revisit this in 10 years! We do not owe each other swift processing about all relationships, especially during this hell time, and it sounds like you’re stretched really thin and unsure how you feel about continuing this long distance friendship regardless. I know guilt is a powerful emotion, but I hope you’re able to put it down. Your friend may be sad not to hear from you, but that’s okay. You don’t have to cater to everyone else’s feelings — follow what makes YOU feel best and act with honesty and kindness, and boom: you’re doing great.

Q6:

I know that Autostraddle has a resolutely anti-ghosting stance when it comes to dating; but what do you do when you don’t have a friend vibe with someone?

I met someone on an app and we got coffee explicitly as friends. I didn’t really feel a friend connection and found them to be a bit emotionally demanding and exhausting. We sort of mutually ghosted each other after, so that was fine! However, we recently reconnected through an organization that we’re both in. We hung out again and it was truly terrible. They talked about themselves the entire time, way overshared about their relationships, and also I just don’t find them relatable or feel I have much in common with them!

They continued to contact me and leave me long voice memos and messages and, I hate to admit it, I ghosted them. I just stopped responding to their texts. I’d like to handle this better in the future but I’m just not sure what to say! It feels easy(ier) to tell someone you don’t have a romantic vibe, but to tell someone you don’t consider them a potential friend seems cruel. What do you do or say in this situation?!

A:

Bailey: Okay, so… the main thing here is if you take weeks to reply that’s totally fine. We live in such a now, now, now era it’s fine to leave people on read until you have the space to reply. If you really aren’t feeling a friendship with this person, you could try something like: “Hi, it was a surprise to connect with you again through [org name] and I’ve been trying to put my finger on why it felt off to me. I think I walked away from that convo quite drained and right now I don’t have a whole lot of energy besides wanting to focus on my current friendships and give them the support I know I am able to. I hope that makes sense. If you wanted to meet to talk about [org name] and not our personal lives I’d be up for that.” If you choose to meet up with them and they still talk about themselves, don’t react, change the subject and/or end the meet early.

Kayla: Lol DO we have a reputation as an anti-ghosting website?! I’m the kind of person who thinks some forms of ghosting are actually fine lol. It really varies from situation to situation and depends on how much time/intimacy you’ve spent with a person. On that note, it doesn’t sound like a close friendship was ever formed here. I personally don’t think you owe them a detailed explanation for why you don’t want to hang out, but since you ARE going to see them around this organization, a full ghosting could be awkward. I really think it can be as simple as you letting them know you don’t have a lot of space in your life for new friendships at the moment. That’s valid! You don’t even need to get into what bothers you about them.

Vanessa: I’m laughing because I think I am the reason we are perceived to have a strong anti-ghosting stance because I *do* believe in being upfront with people and not like, dipping out of a six-week ongoing mutual flirtation without so much as a murmur, and I’m obsessed with direct communication. HOWEVER — there are layers and nuance here, and sometimes a non-reply is a reply. If you’ve been on 2 friend dates with a brand new person and you are genuinely not vibing, there’s no reason to tell them that. Just avoid them until the end of time. If in the future you do want to make it very clear in explicit terms that you’re not available for friendship, I have a pal who says just that: “Friendship is a really deep and important relationship to me and I’m all full up on close friends right now. I’d love to be acquaintances!” Do some people think she’s weird or rude? Sure. But she’s definitely not leading anyone on as a friend.

Q7:

Straddlers, I need your help. I have a friend of 10 years who recently told me that she feels I shut her down when the topic is gayness. She’s a nice lady who sends me articles from this very website and asks me if I’ve ever heard of Autostraddle. I have suppressed many an eye-roll in response to her “straight-splaining” my own life to me. Sat through some real lack of empathy for my actual queer life, while she declares that she’s “not just some uninformed straight girl”, and has always had gay friends. I explained how I’ve felt erased. She told me to consider staying silent about that, since it made her uncomfortable. When I told her that staying silent is what queer (and BIPOC and all marginalized) people are told all the time, it was her who was silent. Then she claimed “straight guilt” (?). No, her comfort comes first!

Then things took a turn. She told me she’s “a little bit genderqueer”. Huh? She’s not traditionally feminine, I’ll go that far. Not into women. Straight-married for years, and plenty bought into the heteropatriarchy. I understand that “genderqueer” is a term for whoever wants to claim it. Can cluelessly straight people be genderqueer? Can anyone be “a little bit genderqueer”? Is this appropriating a term without understanding (or wanting to understand) the lived realities of actual queer people like myself? Without making any of the sacrifices to sanity and safety that usually come with living as an out queer in America? Is this an indicator that she is genuinely struggling with identity? Or am I being punked by someone who wants to be a queer tourist?

A:

Himani: Reading your letter, the first thing that comes to my mind is why are you still friends with this person? Regardless of their identity, they seem like a lousy friend who shuts you down and doesn’t want to be pushed to see their own blindspots. I know for myself that when I have had really upsetting and deeply disappointing interactions with a person, it can be all too tempting to start questioning their experiences (which then leads to questioning their identities, in one way or another). But nothing good ever comes of policing people’s identities. I don’t know if your friend is just a clueless straight person or someone who is really starting to examine their gender identity. I don’t know if your friend is performing wokeness or appropriating genderqueer identity. Your friend is the only person who really has the answer to those questions, and the only way you can ever find out is to give them the space and the grace to work through this with you. However, given how poorly this person has treated you, how dismissive they’ve been of your experiences and how (for lack of a better word) “man-splainy” they’ve been about what it means to be queer, I really think you need to think about whether it is worth your time and emotional energy to continue this friendship.

Q8:

[adult friends advice question] So during the pandemic I joined a fandom discord server that really turned into a substitute for all the IRL interaction I wasn’t getting. It’s kind of odd because while we’re ostensibly there to talk about fandom, people have shared all kinds of personal struggles and in some ways it’s become a real support system. I’d like a lot of these friendships to become long-term ones, but I’ve never had online friendships at all, much less long-term ones. I’m also struggling with conceptualizing the closeness of these friendships, because on the one hand I’ve talked every day for a year+ with most of these people (which I don’t do with my IRL friends), but most of these conversations have been about fictional characters. But then again those fictional character conversations have touched on topics of sex, sexuality, kink, and relationships that I’ve also been too shy to discuss with IRL friends. I guess I’m asking, how to define levels of closeness with online friends when the interactions are so different from IRL, and then how to maintain/transition those relationship to long-term?

A:

Kayla: Def not an odd situation! A lot of my friendships started in fandom spaces where we similarly gradually started opening up more and more about our personal lives. I also don’t think the subject matter really matters! If you feel close with these people, it doesn’t matter that you spend most of the time talking about fictional characters. I similarly was able to explore things about my life through fandom settings in a way I wasn’t able to do with my irl friends. I always like to say I was “gay on tumblr before I was gay irl” but it’s kinda true! It sounds like you’ve formed a true bond with these people, and just because it might not fit conventional definitions of friendship, fuck that! These are your friends, and these are people who understand your interests. Sure, the interactions are different, but that doesn’t make them any less meaningful. Some people set clear boundaries between their online interactions and IRL ones, but some don’t! There are likely other people in your discord feeling the same way as you. The way I usually transitioned my online friendships to more long-term ones was by sort of putting the ball in the other person’s court. I usually offered up my phone number and said “hey, I’d love to text sometimes if you’re open to it!” Admittedly, that was partially because tumblr’s messaging system sucked at the time lol and since you’re on a discord, you’re likely already getting notifications on your phone, BUT I think it could still be a place to start (if you haven’t already!) because texting does feel a little more personal sometimes than other forms of online communication. Offering up your number lets them make the choice about whether they’d like to communicate in a different way. Once I started texting regularly with those online friends, I learned even more about their lives and shared more of mine. We also started sending each other things in the mail, which might sound silly? But letter writing can be really intimate! Basically, I still continued to talk to them in the setting I met them on (in my case, tumblr, and in your case, the discord server), but I also started communicating with them in other ways. Then we eventually were able to meet up irl when we passed through each other’s cities! I eventually briefly lived with one of these friends, moved to the same city as some of them, started seeing them irl regularly, etc! But you don’t have to use irl interaction as a metric for closeness. In some cases, it took five to TEN years before I met some of my online friends IRL but I didn’t consider myself to be any less closer to them just because of that.

Vanessa: Okay first of all, I think it rules that you made close friendships during the pandemic! I’m happy for you and excited for you. Like Kayla, I’ve also made many extremely close friendships via the internet — many of my best friends are folks I met directly through Autostraddle! I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to delve deeper into a friendship that began online, and I don’t think there’s a real right or wrong way to gauge closeness. If you feel close, you are close. If you’d like to do some more “typical” things like text or talk on the phone, ask if they’d be open to that. Let things move slowly or let things move more quickly. No need to define the relationship or anything like that… you’re just continuing to grow friendship seeds that have already been planted. It’s one of the few nice things about the internet, and I am never not charmed by our ability to connect with Our People on here.

Q9:

How do you, like, put the moves on someone friend-wise? I meet people, say at a board game meet up or they are a friend of a friend or at work, I think they are cool, we have positive interactions, but I have no idea how to take our relationship from “we are chatting at this place we both happen to be” to “we are choosing to meet up”. Most of my friends are either a) people I met at the aforementioned board game meet up or b) people I met on the internet for dating purposes and either stopped hooking up with or successfully proposed friendship instead of dating. I’m not dating that often and now that I’m friends with a handful of people at the meetup I regularly attend, I just talk to them and am probably not friendly enough with new people. FWIW, I may be the one person in the world who strongly prefers internet dating because you already have an idea as to the other person’s intentions.

A:

Bailey: “Hey! I wonder if we can be IRL friends too! Do you fancy having a socially distanced hang out sometime?” No harm in asking and seeing what they think!

Ro: Starting new friendships and initiating new friend hangouts as an adult can feel incredibly vulnerable. You are absolutely not the only person who’s struggling with this! Here’s the good news: you’re in a great position to make friends since you see the same group of people on a regular basis. Now you just have to initiate a hangout that’s outside of your board game meetup. One low-stakes option: if your regular board game event doesn’t run too late into the evening, you can invite a person or group to do something after the board game meetup wraps up (maybe you go out for food or drinks or dessert). And here’s another idea: if you’re seeing these people regularly, then you probably know a bit about their interests. Invite someone to do something that you both like, whether that’s hiking or watching a scary movie or something else. If the hangout centers around a shared interest, it can take some of the pressure off of you and your potential new friend.

Kayla: I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t overthink it! I love Bailey’s super straightforward approach! Come up with a casual plan for a hangout outside of game night and propose it. I also love just offering up my phone number to someone I want to be friends with. That puts the ball in their court in terms of reaching out! But of course, it’s also fine to reach out first if you wanna!

Himani: I met one of my now-good friends two years ago at a queer dumpling crawl, and (in addition to what others have already said) one thing that helped make the transition to friendship a little less awkward was to just name the awkwardness of adult friendships. Sometimes, I think just doing that takes some of the pressure off of everyone and sets the terms clearly for what kind of relationship you’re looking for with this person.

Vanessa: Extremely co-signing Bailey’s approach! You say you love the straightforward intention of online dating, but you can have straightforward intentions in any/all actions in your life.

Q10:

I need help making adult friends! I’ve had a solid group of friends almost my whole life but the past 5 years (since moving back to my home city after grad school) the only person I’ve successfully gotten to know is my now-wife. I’ve tried a lot of things–I volunteered, I hung out with people I knew from high school, I switched to a gay-for-pay job, I’ve tried using dating apps for friends, but nothing has gone very far. For example, I work with all queer people yet still seem to have nothing in common with anyone. This is very weird for me, I’ve always managed to have friend crushes at the very least which at least gave me a direction for who I was trying to get to know. Now I am hardly motivated to reach out to my long distance friends. Part of this is my job, I have to talk to a LOT of people, and part of it is the pandemic and spending 18 months (happily) just seeing my wife and a couple of her friends. But the unevenness of our (my wife and my) social circles has become more conspicuous again now that things are opening up. Pre-panini I was desperate for new friends but found nobody. Now I’m not even sure if I care? I used to be an extrovert! Should I push myself to get out there or just enjoy my alone time? I feel like I do need people outside of my relationship but I also feel exhausted. How do introverts manage this??

A:

Kayla: It does sound like your job is maybe draining you a little bit. Sometimes, we go through changes in terms of what we want and need in friendships, and it might be possible that some alone time is exactly what you need! Just because you used to be extroverted doesn’t mean you always have to have a big group of friends all the time. I’ve gone through periods of being extroverted, being introverted, and also being somewhere in the middle. If putting yourself out there feels overwhelming right now, listen to that. Maybe settle into the feeling of doing things alone for just a little bit. It doesn’t have to be forever! But I get the impression that trying to make new friends is taking a lot out of you right now, and there’s nothing wrong with sitting back for a bit and then, when you feel more of an urge to do so, seeking out more social settings. I think maybe because you were used to your social life looking/feeling a different way before, you might be being overly hard on yourself for having different needs/wants now. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break from large social settings. I do think it’s important to have friends outside of your relationship, and maybe this IS the time to lean on your long distance friends a little more so that the commitment is low.

Vanessa: I agree with Kayla, but do want to emphasize that having friends outside your relationship will be very good both for you individually and also for your relationship and its longevity, so if you can muster the energy to reach out to long distance pals or even just leave some messages online (in the Autostraddle comment section, for example!) I think that would be a good compromise. Also, I sometimes notice in myself I need momentum for friendship — the less I reach out to my friends, the less I feel able to. If I just force myself to send a text like “hey I’ve been really exhausted, but I love you and am thinking about you” that often elicits a loving response which puts me in a better headspace to reach out again and again.

Q11:

This is for the Making Adult Friends themed Advice Box!

So my girlfriend and I live together, have been dating for just over two years, and met through a mutual friend in the derby league we are both members of (so gay, right?) We have a ton of mutual friends in our derby league, plus we’ve become friends with each other’s non-derby friends as well. We’re in our 30s and have gotten to the point where we do most things as a “couple”, and with other “couples”.

So my question is, when you’re in a relationship with someone of the same gender, how do you make new friends that are just YOURS? And how do you keep your pre-existing friends as YOUR friends, rather than as shared friends? Or this this even something I should want? I don’t want to, like, draw weird boundaries around my friends, telling my girlfriend she can’t talk to them or message them without including me, that seems super controlling.

I guess I’ve been thinking about this because in the pandemic, I feel like I’ve run out of friends to talk to about my relationship. Because it feels totally over the line to discuss my relationship with friends who are also my girlfriend’s friends. Or with friends who were her friends first. Or even with friends who were my friends first but who have come to know her really well. This is also exacerbated by the fact that my girlfriend is super social and extroverted and makes friends very easily, whereas I am … the opposite of all of that. So it’s made it feel even more imbalanced.

A:

Bailey: I think you should tell your partner what you’ve shared in the last paragraph – you’d like to make friends that are just your friends for now and need a bit of space to do that. I feel you, but if your partner knows and understands you well I don’t see why they would have a problem with this. With friends you both share/have got close to, I think it’s about quality time with them. You could decide on a simple agreement where once in a while, you will spend time with X today and the next week your partner might want to do something with Y separately. I’m sure you have already discussed this together too, but agreeing not to trash talk each other to friends is also a good idea, so you both feel safe knowing that sometimes you will both talk about the relationship and issues you have but it’s not in a harmful way.

Ro: Your need to have friends of your own is absolutely valid. Having friendships outside of our relationships helps you maintain a life outside of your relationship — this is really important! It’s also important to have people in your corner who can help you process relationship stuff when it comes up.

Talk to your girlfriend about your needs. Plan to give each other some solo time with your existing mutual friends, and if you need to, take steps towards making new friends that are just yours. Is there an activity you enjoy that your girlfriend isn’t into? Find other people who want to do that activity with you. Presumably, you and your girlfriend have different workplaces, so you can also try initiating a hangout with your coworkers.

Finally, make sure that you and your girlfriend are spending intentional time together and intentional time apart. Sometimes when you live with a partner, you can fall into a weird expectation that you’re always doing everything together all the time. That’s not a sustainable way to exist.

Kayla: I agree with all of the advice above! I do wanna elaborate a little bit on one of the concerns you raise: being able to talk about your relationship with mutual friends. While I agree that it’s def not best to trash-talk each other to mutual friends, I do think it’s possible to talk about things in your relationship and your partner in a confidential way with the friends who were YOUR friends before but have become more like shared friends. I do think asking to spend quality time with those friends without your partner present is a totally reasonable request! And I also feel like you can talk about certain relationship things with them. Good friends are going to be able to separate YOU from the COUPLE. Ask if you can talk about things confidentially. Again, we’re not talking trash talk here, but processing certain things or even expressing concerns is totally fair game if done respectfully in my opinion.

Q12:

Hello team! I saw that the advice topic this month is “making adult friends” and like, yes, please, I have read all the advice you have to offer and could always use more!

I think I am having a particular challenge – don’t know if it’s a real roadblock or just a mental one but – around wanting to make more friends who are just MY friends when my spouse has a big, established network of people who I also enjoy spending time with. My spouse is older and we live in the city they grew up in, so they have a ton of relationships in general and some very deep relationships with queer-family type peeps we see pretty often. The single friends have been semi-adopted into our COVID pod, so we’ve seen them more than most in the past two years. I love them very much, I think they love me very much, but they’re not *mine* the way they are my spouse’s and I find I don’t have many/any folks I feel I can get fully vulnerable with. I have a few friends from before we got together that I keep in touch with (but none are queer) and I’ve been trying to make some new, queer friends so I can have more of my own community – but I’m way more of an introvert / have some social anxiety and I keep finding it hard to try to carve out time to build new friendships with relative strangers when I know it’s a sure bet / much lower stakes to just plan having one of my spouse’s friends – who I know pretty well at this point – over for a chill dinner (or to just spend time reading by myself).

How do I get over the hump of committing to making new (and thus kinda scarier!) plans?

Thank you!!

A:

Bailey: Pal, I recently moved to the city (and a whole new country) my partner grew up in, so I am feeling all of this – I am also introverted, with social anxiety and very busy all of the time. I highly recommend being patient with yourself whilst you try to find/build friendships and networks in this new place.- Hanging out with people one on one is my go to but meeting my partners friends also opens up new doors to potential networks and connex – work with that and try to find a balance. Also look at Q4 and Q11 for some more advice!

Kayla: I also can relate! I moved with my girlfriend to a city that’s technically new for both of us, but it’s in the state she has always lived in, and she has very close chosen family type friends that are like a few hours’ drive away whereas any of my close friends are a flight’s away. You’re not alone! I think a combined effort of making new friends of your own but also seeking out your ~own relationships~ with your partner’s friends could help. In a way, those friends are always going to be HER friends, but you can also connect with them in a way that feels specific to you and like its own thing. For example, we went to a beach bday party for one of my girlfriend’s closest friends, and I ended up spending one-on-one time in the water with the friend and I felt like even in just that little bit of time, it really unlocked my own friendship with her since we were talking one-on-one instead of in the group. She’ll always be my girlfriend’s best friend first and foremost, but it felt meaningful to connect with her one-on-one. We didn’t even have to make fully separate plans that didn’t involve my girlfriend—we just broke off from the group and did our own thing for a little bit! I think I’d feel much more comfortable being vulnerable with her after that. But also, yes, the really important thing here is making your own friends in this new place. I like Bailey’s suggestion that hanging out with your partner’s friends could actually lead to you meeting OTHER people—like friend’s of friends—who you get to form your own relationship with.

Q13:

First, thank you for this topic! I can’t wait to read all the other questions and answers. I’m in my late twenties, single, with a handful of close friends and a larger handful of friendly acquaintances. I’m an introvert with social anxiety who would honestly rather never socialize in groups larger than like 4 at a time. I’m content with the number of friends I have and most of the time I’m content with the quality of those friendships too. But there are a few times I’m not… especially around holidays. I’m fortunate to be close with my parents and other family members, but live a long way from them, and I’m often not able to travel home (even pre-pandemic) to celebrate holidays. We make do with video calls and getting together other times of year. But I’d like to have people to celebrate in-person with on the day of the holiday too. For example, I’d love to invite a few of my close friends over to share a meal. But… most of my friends have partners who they already have plans with and my few other single friends usually travel home. Planning and hosting social events stresses me out in the best of situations, and the stakes around holidays feel much higher. I’m scared to invite any of my close friends and their partners to do something because I’d feel like I’m intruding. I’m afraid they’ll either think “why does she want to spend the holiday with us, we’re not that close?!” Or take pity on me and reluctantly invite me to join them. Ultimately, I think I’m wondering how people form friendships that feel more like family? Thanks in advance for any insight! I appreciate the wisdom y’all share here week after week <3

A:

Ro: First of all, inviting someone to a holiday gathering isn’t intrusive — it’s just an invite and they can always say no if they’re busy or if they’re not interested! So invite people to celebrate the holidays with you and do it early so you can get a sense of their plans before the holiday season really kicks into gear. That way, you’ll have time to plan other options if it turns out that your pals will be out of town. You could also initiate holiday gathering before the actual holiday takes place and people leave town. If you like how it goes, make a yearly tradition!

I would also encourage you to reach out to friends who work in the service industry. Lots of service industry folks have to work over the holidays and don’t have the option to leave town and see their families. If you happen to have friends who are in this position, they would probably really appreciate a low-key holiday gathering nearby.

Kayla: All of Ro’s advice is super solid, and I totally agree that inviting people over for the holidays is not intrusive at all! If you’re worried about them having time to fit it into their existing plans’ schedule, offer up a few different options! It can be a brunch or a dinner or a midday thing. You can get together to do crafts or something similarly laid back but still cozy and nice. Also, if you express some of these feelings about wanting to be around friends during the holidays, someone might end up inviting you to some existing plans. My friend in college straight up asked if she could come with me to Christmas because she had nowhere to go, and even though that took immense vulnerability on her part, I’m so fucking glad she asked, because I was thrilled to bring her along! A lot of folks have a very the-more-the-merrier view of holidays!

Q14:

Hi! I’m relatively old* – 38 going on 39 – and am just coming to terms with being a queer person who needs a queer community because my social life has been decidedly lacking and is currently very straight and not exactly fulfilling. I work in a small, fairly conservative office in a very liberal area, so I can’t be really open at work and there’s no chance of meeting people through work, and thus my best bet is outside work but I’m not sure how to balance the entire… making friends thing. How do you find time to keep talking to people and doing things together to bond?

And on that note, how do I find other queer people? I live in the San Francisco Bay Area (south bay/silicon valley, specifically), so I know there’s stuff out there and my area is generally considered very diverse but I don’t even know where to start looking! A therapist recommended starting with queer community centers, but had few other suggestions.

(*I know 38 is not old but it feels like every queer person I meet has a solid group of other queer friends that have been around for ages, and unfortunately, my queer friends from my early 20s have scattered across the globe so now I feel oddly alone and unsure when it comes to friendships, not to mention dating.)

A:

Ro: You’re in the Bay Area! You are in an excellent position to make queer friends. One of the best ways to do that is to show up at queer events. I just searched “queer events in San Francisco” on Eventbrite and found a TON of options in the Bay Area, including a daytime hip hop party for Black queer and trans folks, a queer open mic night, a queer film festival, a queer ecstatic dance jam, a non-binary burlesque show and more. You can absolutely go to these kinds of events solo and chat with people when you’re there. If you prefer more organized group activities or if you want to ensure that an event caters to your specific age group, search for groups on Meetup or volunteer at a queer community center. You can also try apps like BumbleBFF and Lex. If all of this sounds overwhelming, try becoming a regular at queer-owned busineses. If you show up at the local lesbian-owned coffee shop enough times in a month, you’ll probably strike up a friendship with other regulars or staff. Good luck!

Kayla: Yes love all these suggestions above—especially about showing up at the lesbian coffeeshop!!!!! Finding queer friends in the service industry is a go-to for me. But there are so many other options, too! Also, in terms of finding the time in your day to socialize, maybe start small. Pick a couple events for the month or pick one day of the week to hit up the queer coffeeshop. Don’t overwhelm yourself. And maybe as you go, you can figure out how much space/time you have in your life for socializing and bonding with folks. If you’re someone who likes to text a lot, offer up your number to someone you end up talking to at an event or meetup. If you DON’T like texting, tell someone you’d prefer in-person connection and see if they’d like to hang out. It sounds like you’re worried about how much time/energy it takes to meet friends and bond with them, and while it’s true that it takes effort and vulnerability, it’s also possible to find a commitment level that works for you and your schedule! If you can only do one event a month, start with that!

Himani: To your question about finding the time, unfortunately there’s no good answer to this and it usually boils down to, you have to let go of something (at least for a short while) to make time for something else. For instance, I usually prefer to cook food because I feel like I have better options when I cook for myself and it saves money. But when I’m more socially active, I simply have less time to grocery shop, do food prep, and cook; it’s an unfortunate trade off but a seemingly inevitable one. So think about the things that take up time in your day, whether it’s activities that you do (like going to work) or routines (like, in my example grocery shopping and cooking) and see where you are able to have some flex. Do you find that you work overtime a lot, and if so, is there any way to cut back on your work hours?

And as to your point about age, I felt this a lot when I was first going out to queer events and groups when I was 30. It felt like the vast majority of people I was meeting were in their early twenties. But I encourage you to stick with it. It takes time, but bit by bit you’ll find people you connect with, regardless of age, and you’ll also start finding people who are closer to you in age as well.

Q15:

(this is for the friends theme)
Hello!

I am living in a house with two of my friends, who have been dating for about two years. They are not a PDA-heavy couple and I never feel like a third wheel, unless I am a third wheel in a really neat tricycle.
Here is my possibly-not-a-problem-problem: I think I am developing feelings for one or both of them?
I know there are lots of types of love and I often have trouble untangling what type of love I am experiencing. Also I haven’t had sex in aaages (like 3 months but still) so I don’t know if this could also be “I want someone other than me to touch me.” Also also I was in a FWB situation with the last person I lived with so I think my brain may still be thinking that I should be having sex with the people that I’m living with. Or is this just coming out of a desire to be included in their relationship, even though I don’t feel left out of anything? Psychoanalyze me please!

Should I say something about these maybe feelings? Hope that they go away? We are planning on living together for a while and I don’t want to mess up our house dynamic.
Thanks!

A:

Kayla: Listen I don’t wanna tell you your business (well, actually, I guess that’s what answering advice questions is LOL), but I do think it’s extreeeeemely possible that these feelings are just stemming from proximity. I’ve heard of a lot of folks developing romantic feelings for their previously platonic roommates during the pandemic, and I think that’s because people’s brains have been wired to conflate spending a LOT of time with and being in close proximity to someone with romantic love. Like you say, there are lots of different kinds of love! And it can be hard to discern between them! I think a lot of folks can relate. I think if you’re going to acknowledge the feelings, you have to be prepared for the result that they could indeed extremely shift the dynamic. Do you think you can coexist with these friends without sharing how you’re feeling? Do you think the feelings could shift if you’re able to start spending more time away from the home? I like to link to this article from time to time, because I think it’s an interesting point of view.

Vanessa: Okay, could you be experiencing feelings for this couple? Sure. Could y’all become a beautiful throuple? Totally maybe. Do I personally think you should not fuck with an amazing living situation just to see that potentially come to fruition? Yes! Something I think we don’t discuss enough is how we do often make *choices* to connect/crush/fall in love/sleep with other people. There are usually some moments along the way where if we just paused and put up some boundaries, our very real feelings could exist but not necessarily translate into anything more. Maybe you don’t wanna live that life. Maybe you’re looking for more connections, more excitement, more… okay let’s be real, the word I wanna say is “drama,” but I don’t even mean that in a bad way, just an honest one. In that case, sure, tell your friends how you’re feeling and see what happens next. But if you’re more interested in maintaining the steady, close, intimate, platonic living situation y’all are currently enjoying? Feel your feelings, let them be, look for other people to crush on, and eventually move on — all while keeping this to yourself.

Q16:

Hi Autostraddle!

I have a question about how to make adult friends. My partner and I were long-distance for a couple of years and we finally are living together! We both moved to Toronto together from our different cities and now we’re finding it hard (especially during a pandemic) to make new friends. We both work remotely so it’s even been difficult to make like, “work friends.” Oh, and we’re not the most extroverted people all the time. How do other people do this?

Thanks for all you do and for putting together this advice column!

Jaime

A:

Bailey: Big congrats on finally being together! I’ve answered some similar questions around this so far, but here is a breakdown of key thoughts. Try apps/groups like Tinder, Bumble, Meetup and Facebook. I met many friends in Toronto through Tinder, Facebook, volunteering and in person events – from experience, people in that city always want to make new connections (read connections, not life long friendships) – so as long as you’re connected to the right avenues, there’s always something happening where you can meet new people. There was a point where I was worried I wouldn’t have a social life (it was also the ass ache cold of February), next thing I know I’ve agreed to play Floor is Lava at some strangers apartment with a bunch of people in similar positions including a guy who sounds a lot like Ryan Gosling. Please be patient with yourselves and try to spend time with each other too – that social life will come!

Kayla: I’m in a similar boat! Living in a new city together after being long-distance for a while, gf and I both work from home, pandemic has made it so we can’t really do a lot of social things we would have previously (like going to literary events). If you and your partner are both introverted, it could help to use each other as buddy systems when going to place and trying to meet new people. By that I don’t mean only talk to each other haha! That’s def an easy trap to fall into when you’ve been long-distance for a long time! But I do mean that you can both try to meet people and talk to folks and if after doing that for a while you don’t feel like you’ve really hit it off with anyone, you still have each other to fall back on at the end of the night. You can also be each other’s cheerleaders a little bit, since you’ll have empathy for each other in terms of both finding it hard to put yourself out there with strangers. If you’re feeling anxiety about talking to someone new, ask for a little encouragement from your partner but also make sure you’re providing the same encouragement in return!

Q17:

Hey!

I’m moving to a new city (Chicago to be exact) and want some advice on meeting queer friends. I recently came out while living at home after college, and of course with everything, haven’t really had the time (space, freedom, etc…) to fully get to even know myself in this new identity, let alone really had the chance to find queer friends. My other concern is that in Chicago I actually have several friends from school living there who I love so much, however they are very much living within a heteronormative bubble. Not that I’m worried about them not accepting me, more so we haven’t had the opportunity to hang out since I’ve come out, and I don’t want to slip back into comfortable roles/ environments I was in before, which were often very straight. Typing this out I know a lot of it is making a conscious effort to go to places to meet people. But then I guess my real question is, what are your best tips and practices for specifically meeting queer friends? This will also be my first time having to meet friends without the baseline of “we go to school together,” and I truly don’t know where to even begin.

Thank you so much for what you all do! Autostraddle has really helped me feel seen in a way that I didn’t even know was possible!

A:

Ro: Welcome to Chicago! I moved here thirteen years ago! Here’s how I met queer friends after college:
-I regularly attended queer events and got to know the other regulars (check out Facebook, Meetup and Eventbrite to learn more about what’s out there).
-I dated. Some folks I casually dated in my early 20s became my friends and/or introduced me to their friends.
-I attended protests (and not just protests that centered around queer issues). This is how I met queer folks who share my values.
-I joined the Chicago Queer Exchange Facebook group. Thanks to this group, I found apartments to live in, I found roommates, I sold stuff I didn’t need, I learned about upcoming queer events and I learned about job opportunities. And through some of these exchanges of goods and services, I made friends!

ALSO if you’ve ever had any interest in performing, Chicago is an excellent place to pursue it. We have a thriving performing arts community (including musicians, comedians, storytellers, circus performers, clowns, burlesque performers, dancers and more) that is very, very queer.

Vanessa: Okay first of all I love Ro’s advice and I love Ro! Second of all I just want to suggest my most favorite connection tip again, which is the DM slide on Instagram! If you attend an event, a performance, a protest, a comedy night, etc, and there were people who you particularly want to befriend afterwards, it never hurts to either ask to exchange social media profiles in the moment or if they’re an organizer or performer find them on social media afterwards, and send a brief friendly message saying hi and [whatever makes sense to include]. I always make an effort not to be overly familiar when I don’t know someone, and make it clear I don’t have an expectation of friendship or even necessarily a reply, but I’ve also met many lovely acquaintance friends and a few extremely dear forever pals this way. Just my own personal favorite method!

Q18:

Hi everyone! I’m looking for advice on making queer friends in a new city. I moved right before covid first hit and I’m vaxxed and with delta permitting looking to start meeting new people. I’m a 31 year old cis, bi woman and during covid last year (for the first time in like 7 years) started dating a cis, straight, guy friend of mine I met volunteering pre-covid. It’s a relationship I’m really happy with but I don’t know how to make queer friends while dating him! In my previous city I was dating queer people and so I was able to become integrated into a group that way but that’s not an option for me anymore. I’m relatively straight passing even when I’m not with my boyfriend, and I’ve had experiences in the past of becoming excluded from a group when I started dating a cis dude. Any advice on how to find queer friends who aren’t biphobic and how to handle feeling like I’m not part of my community anymore because of my relationship? He’s the best partner I’ve ever had by far and I think he’s going to be a part of my life for a long time going forward. (If you have any specific recs I’m in Los Angeles). Thank you for this space!

A:

Nicole: I just want to point you to all of the advice in the above two questions which is super relevant to your question as well, especially the advice that centers around making queer friends without being in the dating pool. I’m sorry you were excluded in the past! That sucks! However, looking forward, I think it’s important to remember that if you are queer, you belong in queer community, no matter who you’re dating! We cover a lot of this in our recent bi+ roundtable, in fact, including the fact that finding fellow bi+ folks to spend time with can be immensely helpful! Also, apologies for coming up short, but I tried to dig for LA-specific recs for you and the answer was: not much because there’s a pandemic. BUT! I would love if LA-residing members wanted to share anything they recommend trying when it’s safer out there (or maybe even virtual options!) in the comments! Wishing you good luck out there!

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