Why Do People Like Strap-On Blow Jobs?

They’re fun! Strap-on blow jobs, where one person wears a harness and a dildo and another person performs oral sex on them, are fun because they’re super queer, subversive, look and feel hot, and can be as much or as little about gender or power play as you want them to be.

Even though they might seem like they involve less of you instead of more — a mouth and some silicone, who cares? — they incorporate visual and auditory elements and fantasy as well as physical sensation in a way that’s uniquely satisfying. “So much sex is centered around physical gratification, and while that can be an awesome addition to strap-on blowjobs, it’s both really hot and mind-opening to focus on other sensory aspects of sex,” says Artemisia FemmeCock, a sex blogger who has written about her experiences wearing a strap-on as a femme.

What does that actually look or feel like? “So many things are hot about strap on blow jobs … The sensation of the dildo against my tender parts, and whatever her hands are doing, and whatever skin her mouth might be kissing. The sight of her tongue, her lips. The imagined sensation of what it might, would, could possibly feel like. The sight of her mouth watering: drool, spit,” says Sinclair Sexsmith, a sex writer and former Autostraddle columnist.

Before You Begin

Strap-on blow jobs, like any strap-on sex or any sex period, can have as much or as little to do with gender as you want.

The idea that wanting to wear a strap-on must mean you’re a man, or that wanting to get fucked by someone wearing a strap-on must mean you want to be with a man and so you can’t be gay, is wrapped up in layers and layers of strangling cis hetero sexuality. Throw that out. Anyone with any gender or any genitals can wear a strap-on.

“When I was younger, I was surrounded by a lot of people who had a very cis hetero view of sexuality. When it came to strap-on sex as a queer woman, that read: ‘if you like having sex with a dildo, you really want to be or be with with a man, therefore you can’t be gay.’ […] A huge part of exploring my femme identity was about recognizing that my gender and presentation don’t define my sexuality or the type of sex I’m having,” says FemmeCock.

Because of the possible intersections between strapping-on and identity, what language to use for a strap-on depends on what language makes the wearer feel good. “Use language that feels right for you. I prefer the word ‘cock’ but not everyone does, and it can play a big part in how comfortable or sexy you feel,” says FemmeCock.

And remember to get your partner’s enthusiastic consent before diving in, and that the best way to bring up something new with a partner is to do so in advance, out of the context of sex.

What Harness and Dildo Work Best For Strap-On Blow Jobs?

The short answer is that the best harness and dildo for strap-on blow jobs are the ones that feel best to you.

Which harness works best depends on what the wearer wants. “Jock-style strap-ons are perfect to keep genitals available for a vibe, dildo, or hand, while brief harnesses look like you just pulled your cock out of your underwear,” says FemmeCock. She also recommends going without any harness at all, and “holding the dildo against a person’s body with one hand, for a more seamless look.” For a jock-style strap-on harness, try the SpareParts Joque. For a brief-style harness, try the SpareParts Tomboi.

Which dildo feels best depends on both what the wearer can identify with and what the receiver can work with. For material, medical-grade silicone is safe, easy to sterilize, and comes in a variety of textures and finishes. For size, “choose something average-ish, it’ll get you the most mileage so you can use it with multiple people and in multiple places on the body,” says Sexsmith.

Otherwise, the wearer should consider what dildo they feel an affinity for. “As the person wearing the strap-on, there are certain dildos I identify with and feel more connected to watching someone go down on,” says FemmeCock. The giver should consider what they want in their mouth. “When giving a blowjob, my criteria is a little more practical: softer silicone dildos with some flexibility, a bit of girth, and not a lot of texture.”

With that in mind, check these out: The Mustang Royale is a soft-on-the-outside, firm-on-the-inside realistic dildo with a base shaped to cradle a vulva, and it’s an Autostraddle favorite. The BJ Dildo, designed specifically for blowjobs, is a hollow silicone dildo with a base that creates a seal against the wearer, and it’s open at both ends so that sucking and squeezing the dildo creates suction over the wearer’s clit. It comes in black, teal, and a few flesh tones. The Share is a double-ended silicone dildo held in place by the wearer’s vaginal muscles, adding a more physical element to a strap-on blow job. The POP Dildo is an ejaculating silicone dildo for those times when you don’t have the physical ability to ejaculate but still want to come all over someone’s face. It’s made of black, pink, or flesh-toned silicone, and the tube and pump system is removable. Looking for something a little less realistic? The Leo is a silicone dildo in swirling gold or purple, the Shilo comes in marbled black and blue, and the limited-edition Babeland Mustang comes in solid black with a hot pink base.

How To Give A Strap-On Blow Job

So you have a harness, a dildo, and enthusiasm. What’s next?

A strap-on blow job can be part of foreplay, a main sex act, or part of cleanup. No matter where it fits in, build excitement by making out, grinding against each other, dirty talking, or whatever your sex pregame usually looks like. If you’re the one giving the blow job, start by being a tease with touches that get close to or lightly brush over the strap-on, without really engaging with it yet. When everyone is ready to go, move into position and go to town.

“An easy way to start is by slowly licking up the shaft and around the head of the dildo. It’s hot and useful, since more saliva makes everything glide smoothly. You can also use this in between sucking and stroking with your hand if you need a break or more lubrication,” says FemmeCock.

Then, take the strap-on into your mouth. If it’s long, or if you don’t want it too deep, wrapping your hand around the base can keep it from going too far back in your mouth and can give your partner a firmer surface to grind against if they want one. Resist the urge to bite down to control the depth — the dildo won’t notice, but your teeth will. Then, start to move slowly, and build up to a rhythm as you pay attention to your partner’s responses.

A lot of your focus will probably be on the dildo, but don’t forget about your partner’s body. “Bring one of their fingers into your mouth right alongside the dildo so they can feel exactly what you’re doing. […] Reach for their body, hold their hands, grab their thighs, involve their butt or whatever is under the strap on, if they like that. Use your hands,” says Sexsmith.

If your partner is into vaginal or anal penetration and is wearing a harness that allows for it, you can finger them during the blow job. Start with fewer fingers and add more, use lube if you need it, and use the same rhythm with your fingers as your mouth for extra bonus points.

Finally, remember that the best strap-on blow jobs are noisy and messy and embrace it. “Noises are inevitable and can enhance the experience, since strap-on blowjobs rely on sights and sounds, so don’t be embarrassed of slurping or sucking noises. You can also add more intentional sounds, moaning intermittently to show you’re enjoying what’s going on,” says FemmeCock.

How To Receive A Strap-On Blow Job

If it’s your first time receiving a strap-on blow job, spend some time in advance getting used to wearing the strap-on. “Think about it as part of you. Touch it yourself, get a sense of its edges and shape and weight and size. Let it become part of your body’s proprioception,” says Sexsmith.

Then, in the moment, try to relax and concentrate on what you see and feel.

Stay present and connected with your partner via touch. Try resting your hand on their shoulder or stroking the back of their neck or the side of their face, but don’t grab their head, pull their hair, choke them, or more forcefully fuck their mouth unless you’ve discussed it.

Use sounds or words to let your partner know they’re doing a good job, check in by asking questions your partner can answer by nodding or making a noise, and let your partner know what you’re into. “It can feel like a lot of pressure to have someone watching you go down on them, so it’s important to let your partner know they’re doing a great job through sounds or verbal affirmation. Make sure they’re on the same page as you by asking questions that can be answered with a gesture or short response, like ‘how’s that’ or ‘are you enjoying my cock?’ Communicate what you want and like; if you find something to be super hot, you can say things like ‘that feels so good’ or ‘I love when you go a little slower,’” says FemmeCock. Use non-verbal expression, too. “The way a lover can tell that you like things is by your movement, sound, and breath. Let those things out,” says Sexsmith.

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Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities.

Sex ed almost never includes queer women or our experiences, so we’re exploring pleasure, safety, relationships and more to make that information more accessible. A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines.

Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!

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