Editor’s Note: An A+ member asked the following question, but the thing is, it was so in depth that we decided to devote an ENTIRE article to answering it! I hope that by the time you’ve reached the end of this article, that you’ll see an entire community embracing, well, that you want to be in community! Vanessa reached out to a number of experts and sources on the subjects of finding kink community and hiring a sex worker, and we couldn’t be happier to be able to provide you, our A+ members, with this service journalism!

Artwork by Viv Le

Q:

I would like to be more involved with the kink community. Currently, I wouldn’t say I’m involved with the community at all.

• Is there in person community outside of big cities?
• How does one find the in person community, regardless of rurality?
• I move every 6 months. Should I give up hope on in person community and just get into the online one?
• What options are there online other than getting into fanfiction/erotica writing? Where are the places for erotica that aren’t necessarily fanfiction?
• Are the businesses that you can go to and have kinky sex just a fantasy /nostalgic reimagining of the past? Or do dungeons/bath houses/ etc actually exist? If so, how do you find out about them?
• Possibly not in the scope of this question/answer, but: I’ve heard lots about how sex work = work and to support sex workers, but how does one go about hiring one?? Or erotic artists? (By artist I mean the people who do drawings, whether physical media or digital)

A:

Hello, friend! Thank you for writing in — there’s a lot to cover here, and I am excited for the opportunity to write about it on Autostraddle. In fact, I was so excited about this subject that I took the opportunity to interview multiple experts so I am not only providing you with my own perspective but multiple other perspectives as well. I reached out to DaemonumX, who I first discovered because of her amazing Instagram and who wrote the #PolyamoryProblems column for us, and who I think of as a person who cultivates leather community generously and expansively. I reached out to Raechel Anne Jolie, author of Rust Belt Femme, a kinky femme who writes openly about the importance of kink and community (as well as many other topics) both on Instagram and in their gorgeous newsletters. I reached out to queer sex worker Lucy Bloom, and through her received answers to some questions via email from Jessie Sage, a Pittsburgh-based sex worker and writer. And I reached out to Mistress Morningstar, a leatherdyke pro domme based in Southern Arizona. I believe that together, we can answer all your questions!

How to Find Kink Community Online

It seems like your main desire is to find kink community, so let’s start there. Starting online is a great way to find kink community, whether you live in a small town or a big city. While FetLife is probably the most well known website people think of when it comes to meeting like-minded kinky folks online, it gets really mixed reviews. Some of the people I interviewed explicitly suggested it as a place to start, and some explicitly advised to stay away from it. To be honest, I would not recommend using it as a way to meet people. But in my opinion, you can still use the internet to create kink community — Instagram, Twitter, and typical dating apps (like Tinder) are really good tools for this.

DaemonumX suggested that it helps if you have a dedicated kink account on social media — “building ‘online friends’ organically and not creepily takes time,” she said. “Follow people who seem cool and engage with their posts. Go to online classes!” Not only will following folks who post openly about kink make you more comfortable with your own desires and feelings, but you’ll probably learn new things about yourself, too. If you follow people who offer classes, you can learn practical skills to take into your kink experiences in the future, and you can meet other folks there, too. “When I host classes I encourage people to connect and cruise in the chats,” DaemomumX said.

Raechel Anne Jolie agrees that following kink-focused Instagram accounts can be a really useful way to both learn more about kink and create the community you seek. “One of my favorite Instagram pages is Leather Archives & Museum (@leatherarchives),” she said. “They post hot images juxtaposed to wonderfully affirming quotes from different sex-positive/kink-positive texts. It’s a great way to build a reading list! Some other accounts I like [include] @blackqueerdom; @dybbutch; @stripperwriter; and so many more… a lot of these spaces frequently have Q&As, do podcast interviews… there’s lots of good information out there!”

I’m answering your question assuming that your goal is to connect with other people, but you also asked about erotica and erotic art. There are plenty of options online to find erotica that isn’t fanfiction — Autostraddle’s SLICK series is an excellent place to start! To be honest I also have always loved LitErotica, though fair warning, you have to wade through a lot of bullshit to find the good stuff. When looking for erotic artists, I’d suggest going the same route you would when building authentic connections with other kinky folks on social media — you’d be surprised how much this stuff pops up in your feed once you start telling the algorithm that you want it to. My favorite erotic artist on Instagram is @spunk__rock — I’d love to hear other folks’ favorites in the comments.

How to Find Kink Community IRL

I do think there is a kink community outside of big cities, but I understand that it can definitely feel more challenging to access. That said, plenty of folks who do live in big cities also have a really hard time plugging in to kink community where they live, even when the kink community itself can seem expansive.

DaemonumX suggests that if you don’t know anyone who can introduce you to community, seek out events or leather groups in your area. Though she advises against meeting individuals off of FetLife, she encourages folks to check out events posted there so you can attend group gatherings. “You can do this by searching for events on FetLife (people still use it to post events!), looking for groups on Facebook, or following kinky people on Instagram or Twitter to see what events they’re going to,” she said. “You have to really put yourself out there in ways that may be uncomfortable if you’re trying to find your people. For example, I advise my coaching clients to put exactly what they’re looking for in their dating profile. I’ve met lots of friends while cruising online!”

Mistress Morningstar, who moved from New York to Southern Arizona, empathizes with your feeling that it can be really hard to tape into kink community in smaller towns and cities. “Tapping into community in smaller places is really hard, and sometimes it involves just driving somewhere bigger nearby. Putting in your Tinder bio that you’re trying to explore kink is a great way to approach it in smaller places! Ask for what you want! And be clear that you’re new to the scene. There’re contingencies of queer freaks everywhere, sometimes it just takes a little more effort.”

Going to an event can be a low stakes way to start meeting people, rather than starting with a date. That said, if you’re interested in building community through one on one meetings, you can try out the Feeld app, which has been described as a mix of Tinder and FetLife. I personally haven’t tried the app, and I do think if you’re in a smaller town it’s possible you simply won’t find anyone within a close distance to you, but it’s worth a try.

I also think it can be really helpful to think about what exactly you’re interested in before trying to plug into a community. You don’t have to have everything figured out, but it’s great to know if you’re looking for casual dates, a sense of camraderie, group sex, play parties, friends who will understand when you want to talk about kink… knowing what you most want from a community experience can help guide you in choosing how to join that community.

How to Talk to a Partner About Exploring Kink

You didn’t mention a partner in your question, but a lot of people interested in exploring kink and joining kink community are already in one or more relationships, and so I thought it would be useful to address that. If you and your partner already play together, amazing — you have a co-conspirator in the plan to plug in to larger kink communities outside of your own bond.

But what about if you’re in a relationship that is currently vanilla and you want to explore? Rachael Anne Jolie has some advice for exactly that: “If you’re in a relationship, definitely talk to your partner(s) about your growing interest in [kink]. Leave space for a variety of responses, and remember that you are both allowed to have wants, needs, and boundaries, even if they don’t always line up,” she said. “If the conversation with your partner becomes emotionally fraught, consider a sex therapy-trained couple’s therapist, if that’s accessible… The good news is that one possibility of a response from your partner is that they will be super stoked and excited to try things with you!

How to Explore Kink as a Single Person

So what do you do once you locate kink community and you want to start meeting with people and playing with them? DaemonumX has a lot of advice that is extremely spot on: “Be honest with people about your skills and experience. Don’t play above your skill level. Vet your play partners, as in quite literally ask for references. If someone balks at this request, run,” she said. Raechel Anne Jolie puts safety as her top priority when it comes to choosing a person to connect with and during a scene, but cautions: “I don’t have blueprint advice for how to stay safe during a scene… it’s absolutely vital to understand that this is not a risk-free activity.” To that end, DaemonumX suggests seeking out education, too. There are a lot of options online today, and “even if you are a bottom it’s really helpful to know what safe(r) play examples are,” she said. Her final advice? “Advocate for your needs before, during, and after a scene. Don’t treat tops like vending machines. Boundaries are your best friend.” And Mistress Morningstar agrees with all of this advice, adding some informative red flags and green flags to watch out for: “Always. Vet. People,” they wrote to me. “Not to fearmonger but shitty predators are everywhere and love to take advantage of newbies. Negotiate everything beforehand, be firm in your boundaries. If someone says they ‘have no boundaries,’ RUN! Safe words are mandatory. If someone ‘doesn’t do aftercare’ (I’ve heard this before way too often) they’re a shitty top/dom/domme. Riggers who say they can’t suspend fat people are just fatphobic. People that have nothing good to say about anyone end up being a big red flag. Green flags are people that put care into negotiating before a scene and go slow. I’m a big fan of old school protocol, and it usually is a good sign for me when someone is going by the book. Also trust your gut, you’re the best judge. If something feels off, don’t do it.”

How to Hire a Sex Worker

Hiring a sex worker is a great idea if you want to explore specific fantasies or kinks. One option for this, recommended by DaemonumX, is visiting a dungeon space if you have one near you. A dungeon is a place where dommes work and you can usually walk in during open hours. She explains that some dungeons have websites “so you can do your research and request a specific domme,” and she stresses that “doing research is especially important if you want to explore something niche that not everyone offers.”

If you’re wondering how to find such a place, Mistress Morningstar has some tips. “When you’re in big cities I feel like asking around is pretty much the way,” she wrote. “Or go into your local sex shop and ask some questions. Chances are someone there can point you in the right direction. It’s not going to be the kind of thing you can look up online most of the time.” They also recommended exploring play parties, rather than dungeons, which is different because you are not hiring a sex worker in this situation — these parties are strictly for play and for cruising. “People do advertise play parties on Instagram and FetLife,” she wrote. “Sometimes those are strictly for play, so tread lightly and take the lead of others. In public normal consent rules go. If someone says no to you, move on. Pay attention to body language, cruising is an art. Bring your own protection, just in case. Have fun! Be safe! By going to places like that you’ll hear about other hangouts, dungeons, cruising spots, etc.”

Another option is to hire an escort, or someone who does not work specifically through a dungeon. I thought it would be most useful to hear directly from professionals for this section, so here is some advice from Jessie Sage and from Mistress Morningstar, quoted directly from the emails they each sent me.

From Jessie:

If you have never hired a sex worker, it can feel daunting. I would suggest looking at a well-respected advertising platform like Tryst.link. See which escorts catch your attention and follow their socials (which their ads will link to), and go to and read their website if they have one. Obviously, you want to find someone you are attracted to, but you also want to think about hiring an escort in terms of compatibility. Do you believe based on their online presence that your personalities would jive? Are they offering the kinds of experiences you want to have?

When you have decided on one (or more), make sure to read their website/ad for instructions on how to reach out to them. Escorts take their personal safety very seriously and may ask for personal information from you (a copy of your photo ID, work verification, references, etc.) Understand that they are asking for this to protect themselves and not to extort you in some way. If you are serious about booking, give them whatever information they ask for without argument. If you don’t have something like a reference or a LinkedIn account, ask them if there is something else that would fit their screening criteria.

Sex workers get a lot of messages and so are uninclined to answer initial messages that don’t include some information about what you are looking for. Include basic information such as what city you are in (especially if the person you are reaching out to tours), when you would like to meet, how long you would like to meet for, how best to contact you back, etc. Do not include explicit sexual content, doing so puts both you and the provider in legal jeopardy.

From Mistress Morningstar:

Oh my god please hire a sex worker to explore! If you’re looking for something really specific, an experienced sex worker is the best way to go. We can make sure that your fantasy is catered to in the exact way you want it. Most of us have social media, and even googling dominatrix in (insert city here) will pop up with some peoples websites.

Go to their website and read their booking policies IN FULL. From their website and social media you should be able to tell if they cater to what you’re looking for, if you can’t tell if they do please respectfully ask! I offer a lot more than I advertise, for example, it would be impossible to sit down and list exactly everything I can/will do. Fill out your screening/booking form thoroughly and don’t waste a sex worker’s time. We get enough time wasters. Once you’ve filled it out, wait for a response and be sure to monitor your spam emails. In order to get the best out of y’all’s time together, express exactly what you want to get out of your session. I know not everyone has the funds to book longer sessions, but I think 2hrs minimum for a first session is necessary. I don’t offer any less to newbies, it takes some time to get into the flow with someone new. If you don’t have the funds, save up! I promise it will be worth it.

Jessie has also written an article for BuzzFeed about hiring a sex worker that would be very helpful to read.

How to Be a Good Client for a Sex Worker

Jessie had detailed advice about how to be a good client for a sex worker, and again, I feel that her words speak most usefully on their own. Here’s another excerpt from her email:

On a first date, my advice for being a good client is relatively simple. Arrive on time, follow the provider’s protocol, and practice good hygiene (make sure you are freshly showered, neatly groomed, have brushed your teeth, etc.). Make sure to pay at the beginning of the session Leave payment openly visible when you arrive; do not make your provider ask you for payment. Make sure to stick within the parameters of the session (if you have booked an hour, don’t linger past an hour). Tip if you are able! Service providers of any industry appreciate that.

If you become an established client of a particular provider (we call these regulars), make sure to stick within the bounds of the relationship. Continue to book appointments, pay deposits if they require them, and don’t overstay the sessions.

Becoming close with a provider can be emotionally confusing since there isn’t a blueprint for how to navigate this kind of intimacy in our culture. You may develop feelings for your provider and that is natural, but make sure that those feelings do not cause you to try to change the dynamic of the relationship. This is still the provider’s job, and they need to be treated with respect as a professional. This means, continuing to pay them for their time, booking sessions, and not expecting to text for free between sessions, etc.

This is something very beautiful about the client/provider relationship when done well, and you will have the best experience when you appreciate it for what it is without trying to turn it into something else.

And Mistress Morningstar brings up another great tip for queer people to keep in mind when booking a queer sex worker:

Don’t expect any special treatment just because you’re queer. While most of us love seeing fellow queers, know that it doesn’t mean that we’ll cross the boundaries that we set up with everybody else just for you. Treat them with respect, be on time, tips are appreciated. Showing up with my favorite flowers or special chocolates or a gift from my wishlist will put you on my good list, haha. Most of us make it pretty apparent what our preferences are online, so just pay attention and be thoughtful. Most importantly…have fun! You’re hiring someone who specializes in what you want, what could be more special than that?

DaemonumX sums it up very succinctly: “This is just like any other service — be respectful of their time, communicate clearly, respect their boundaries, and always tip them!”

As you can see, there are so many ways to dip your toe into kink community or dive right in — it’s really up to you and what steps you want to take. I would say that if I were you, I would begin by making a dating profile explicitly stating what I’m looking for and by finding different kink accounts to follow on Instagram and go from there. Once you’ve started learning more about what you’re interested in, you can decide how easy or challenging it might feel to move things from an online space to an IRL space. At this juncture, you will know more about your own desires and if you decide to hire a sex worker you’ll have an easier time letting them know exactly what you’re interested in. And with the help of the advice in this article, you’ll know how to be an excellent client!

Like any community building, this kind of work takes time, and it can be filled with stops and starts and missteps and disappointment. But it can also be filled with joy and excitement and hot scenes and desires being met in ways you may have never even imagined, and as always, I believe the hard parts of community building are worth it for the magical parts. I hope you found this article helpful, and I wish you good luck out there!

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