How do you let her down easy when you never planned to for this? Because if the sex wasn’t so bad, you’d probably still be hooking up…

Q:

So, there’s a girl in my friend group who I was getting closer to around the time that she and her ex broke up. We kinda started flirting a little bit but like, harmless flirting (we’re both queer and party a lot what are you gonna do). This eventually lead to a hook-up after we were the last people left at the bar after a group hang. We were drunk, it seemed like a fun idea. But actually it was not fun. It was some of the worst sex of my life and I don’t really have any interest in hooking up again. She sexted me the next morning about how hot it was and I agreed just to be nice, but have been kinda dodging since then.

I’d hoped this would just fade into the past, but she’s amped up the flirting — trying to kinda hold my hand, grabbing my leg under the table. She pulled me aside for a private goodbye kiss before I left another group hang, like we were having an elicit affair. Last week we were at that same bar again with a bigger group to watch the game and I felt like I was getting jealous vibes from her while talking to another person I was into.

I wanna stay friends and let her down easy and not hurt her feelings, but if the sex had been good I probs would’ve kept hooking up with her so I’m not sure what my excuse would be to not do that. She hasn’t implied that she wants to date me, just that she wants us to keep hooking up, so I can’t say I’m not looking for something serious. I can’t say I’m not looking for a friends-with-benefits situation because I made the mistake of telling her (before we hooked up) that that was exactly what I was looking for.

I really like Autostraddle’s writing on friendship and very much believe that friendships matter just as much as other kinds of relationships and so I don’t think it devalues a relationship for it to be a friendship, and I don’t want to NOT be friends with her anymore because we get along and share a lot of weird niche interests lol. How do I get things back(ish) to the way they were?

A:

Summer: This is a pretty tough one. My first thought is that telling her you enjoyed yourself even though you didn’t is something that set her up for unrealistic expectations. That would have been a possible moment to temper her expectations a bit or pave a conversation, but responding positively may have given her the incorrect impression about where the relationship stands.

But there’s no changing the past. The current situation is that you’ve got a major mismatch in expectations/interests that isn’t fully communicated. In my opinion, that needs to be addressed before the miscommunication escalates. If you’re accustomed to texting together, that could be a space to have the conversation. If in-person is more comfortable, then that works too.

I don’t think you should bring up the fact that you didn’t enjoy the sex. It’s not something that she can address overnight and it’ll feel awful to combine that with disappointment in losing a potential relationship (in her eyes). She’s invested in her pursuit and while that’s flattering, I think letting her down gently is necessary if you want to preserve the friendship.

My advice? Do what women have been doing since time immemorial to evade relationship escalation. It’s usually aimed at men, but it applies to women too. Remember to make a feedback sandwich: for each thing you say that might hurt, preface it with something positive and end it with something positive. My mad-libs version is below. Pick your favorite terms or substitute with your own. Or remake it in your spirit, I don’t know.

Hey/to whom it may concern/hiii. I’ve been reflecting/shitting myself/thinking about the the night we slept together/fucked/did stuff. I definitely had a good time and especially enjoyed [insert something you genuinely enjoyed here] with you. I don’t think I’m in a mental/emotional space to pursue it further with you because I cherish our friendship and I’m worried about how it might be affected by sex. I’m saying this now out of respect for your time. You don’t deserve to be led on and I’ve always valued your [insert trait you love about her]. I’d be happy to talk about this, or give you some space.

Something like that… delivered as one message at a relevant and safe time, or delivered as part of a conversation. No blaming them for liking you. No putting yourself down for having interests and desires. No dishonesty. If you say something negative, smoosh it between positivity to soften the blow. Honest enough to cover your points, but leaves enough space for you to wiggle if you’re pressed for more info.

That’s how I do it. It can hurt to be the person who holds the power of romantic disappointment. But it’s always better to deliver it soon, softly, and honestly than let it fester.

Nico: Oh no! Yeah, in this situation, honesty is NOT the best policy. Like Summer said, there’s no point in pointing out something she can’t fix overnight. It’s like that rule that goes something like — you point something out if someone can fix it in under 10 minutes; a smudge on their pants they can wash in the bathroom, spinach between their teeth, warning someone that their ex is behind them so they should stop gossiping about them right now — that kind of thing. This is not that. Also, she might not be…bad at sex. You just might not be a good match, which totally happens. So, and I do not say this lightly, this is something you take to your grave. This is especially something you don’t share with anyone else in the friend group because you don’t ever want this getting back to her, okay? It’s not worth it! It’s too hurtful!

Okay, now that I’ve endorsed dishonesty (an extremely rare move), yes, you need to find a way to be up front. Summer’s got some great suggestions, and here are some more angles to look at bringing up if it helps: nerves about romantic feelings or jealousy that you think she might have that you don’t share, your desire to continue to play the field, regret over potentially “ruining” the friendship, fear that you’re going to upset her if you tell her you want to take things back to being platonic. I think it’s totally okay and also important to be honest about how much you value the friendship and how worried you’ve been through thinking about this that you’re going to lose her as a friend. Make sure she knows that she really matters to you, and definitely do it sooner than later. You don’t want to give her weird vibes by avoiding her!

Carabiners! Are we [queers] flagging with them?

Q:

This is more of a poll question? Or an opportunity for someone to go down a research rabbit hole?

I was at a brewery the other day and was observing where people had their keys clipped on their pants, which led to 2 things: 1) a discussion with my partner about flagging with keys/carabiners and 2) the realization that I clip my keys on the back right side of my pants. Everyone else I saw had their keys clipped on their front belt loops. So here are my questions:

1) Does anyone else clip their keys on their back belt loops (regardless of side)? and
2) Are there more intricacies with key flagging besides left and right?
Thank you from someone who is questioning her carabiner placement!!

A:

Stef Rubino: You know what, this is such an interesting question, and one that sadly, doesn’t have a straightforward answer. Since flagging often has context that not everyone can access (for example, some flags are specific to a particular geographic location), it’s difficult to give this a hard “Yes” or hard “No.” But I’ll tell you what I do know. If you consider the history of the carabiner as a fashion accessory, for instance, you’ll see that carabiners mostly became an easy accessory for early 20th century working-class people to carry around their keys or other things they needed quick access to. Carabiners now and historically have always been light and easy enough to figure out, so placing them on one’s body didn’t take a lot of effort or add any hardship. The rest of the history here is a little murky and not as substantiated as I’d like but the going theory for how carabiners got associated with queer people (queer women, in particular) is that many women started wearing carabiners as a symbol of their liberation from domestic duties when they continued working in difficult jobs after the initial surge of women in the workforce happened during World War II. Because the carabiner was already a signifier for working class people, working class women adopted it and made it part of their wardrobes, as well. Through women’s liberation movements, it was possible for more and more women to live queer lifestyles, and I think we can make the logical leap here and say that many of those women were also doing working class jobs. And the carabiners became a sartorial signifier of queerness from there.

However, nothing in the small amount of research that is available about carabiners and queer women indicates that they were ever part of a lesbian equivalent to the “hanky code” (queer men in big cities used different kinds of handkerchiefs to indicate sexual preferences for a big part of the 20th century). And as a person who has lived a very queer life and has clipped keys on both the front and back belt loops at different stages in my life, I have to say that in all of my 22 years of being out (and spending most of that time wearing my keys on carabiners), never once have I heard someone granting the placement of the keys any other symbolic value besides “That person’s gay.” It has always seemed to me that, actually, it’s just that carabiners worn in any hoops ARE the flags. So, like our foremothers and foreparents of the past, wear your key clip where it’s most convenient for you and makes most sense for your ease of access. For me, that’s usually the left side back loop.

Is it okay that your wife is your only IRL friend?

Q:

I’m totally smitten with my wife and our quirky little life! She’s this hilarious, adorable brainiac, and we’re a dynamic duo of criterion collection bingers, caffeine addicts, gaming geeks, and hiking-with-dogs enthusiasts. Occasionally, she’ll catch up with her work pals over happy hour cocktails, while I’m mostly holed up working from home or sometimes traveling for work. My daily ritual involves checking into Autostraddle as my queer lifeline, and I’ve got a crew of online pals I’ve bonded with mostly on Discord. My OG buddies are scattered across the map, so we resort to virtual hangouts via social media, the occasional (highly planned in advance because adult schedules are blah) gaming sesh, texts, and on rare occasions an old-school phone call.

Life’s good, but then I’ll stumble upon these perfectly curated snapshots of other people’s lives on social media, and suddenly I’m like, “Wait, am I missing the friend gene or something?” Is it normal that my wife is pretty much my ride-or-die, my partner-in-crime, and my sole in-person hangout buddy? She insists it’s all good, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I missed the memo on adulting. Like, maybe if it were the ’80s, I’d be the poster child for normalcy because back then, ignorance was bliss, right? Don’t get me wrong, I’m living my best life, but there’s this nagging worry that maybe my best life isn’t good enough.

A:

Sa’iyda: Well, if you feel like your life is good, that’s important! I’m glad you genuinely love your wife and love spending time with her. Genuinely loving spending time with your wife and seeing her as your favorite person is a great foundation for your relationship. I do have one major question though: have you ever thought about why your wife is your only real friend? It’s a little concerning that you don’t really have any other close friends. Who do you go to when you need to vent about how much your wife is bugging you? Do you have a person who knows you really well aside from your wife? Because those things are incredibly important. You need to have a life outside of your wife, just so that you are the most complete version of yourself you can possibly be. I love my wife; she’s my absolute favorite person. But she isn’t my best friend by any stretch of the imagination. I have a handful of best friends, a mix of people who have known me for various amounts of time and know the way I tick. When I’m being an asshole, they’re the people I go to and ask, “am I being an asshole?” and they can tell me if I am. You need people to turn to outside of your wife. Your best life does sound great, but having more people in your life who will have your back no matter what will make it even better.

Nico: It’s totally okay that you’ve found yourself in this place. It’s part of why making adult friendships is so hard. People scatter, move, have life happen to them, change. Also, social media is a lie, so I wouldn’t base anything off what you see on Facebook or Instagram or any Meta properties. Howmstever, I do think that while it’s okay to live your life the way you want, it’s healthy to have more than one person locally who you can turn to for emotional support (and to whom you offer your own) and do things with sans your wife. For one, this offers you perspective. For another, this ensures that your wife isn’t put in a position where she is the only person you can turn to. It’s not just about what’s healthy for you, it’s also about what’s healthy for her and your longterm relationship. Like, what if she gets sick or you go through something where you need to vent and she isn’t available? Who can you get coffee with in that case?

Now, you’re not going to get friends immediately, but it’s definitely a good idea to just start putting yourself out there in your area, in person. Start “friend dating” and seeing who’s out there. This doesn’t have to be a rapid FIX IT NOW situation, but I don’t think it’ll hurt to put a little time into it provided you have the spoons. Worst case scenario is that you still have your totally awesome wife and online friends, still, right? You’ve really got nothing to lose.

All that is to say, I’m also not super worried by your situation. It happens! And maybe you want to say “no way fuck you” to my advice and keep on living your life the way you want to, which is also, truly, your prerogative.

Summer: Based on how you’ve described your social life, your situation sounds perfectly fine.

It’s far better to have a life partner you always want to be around than one you need to stay away from. It sounds to me like you’ve cultivated a vibrant social life that works for you, which happens to involve one primary in-person person and an array of others digitally. This is perfectly fine, especially in the post-COVID digital era where people are more accustomed than ever to distance communication and time management.

I’m basically in the same boat as you. My girlfriend and I are pretty inseparable and live together. We have one shared best friend who we see once a week for an in-person hangout. Basically all of our other friendships are maintained online, or acknowledged in person when we happen to be in their locale. It works for us because that’s the kind of life we want. We’re both people who get burned out by repeated social interaction, and place a premium on personal time.

The value of our social lives should neither be measured by the number of connections nor the distance involved. Every person has different socialization desires and the best social life is the one that we cultivate in line with our needs. It seldom pays to measure ourselves against others by fluffy guidelines — that can invite doubt to an otherwise lovely life. If you think you have the number and type of friendships you want, then you’re doing well.