Sue shows up to break up their making out, and guess who she’s got in tow: Santana’s abuela!
Flashback smashcut!
Sue: Knock-Knock, Ms. Abuela!
Abuela: Uh, who’s there?
Sue: You should come to Santana and Brittany’s wedding with me.
Abuela: But the Bible! God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because some men wanted to have sex with other men in that town!
Sue: Yeah, and God spared Lot, right? Because he told the men not to have gay sex? Lot also tried to dissuade them from having gay sex by offering up his virgin daughters to be gang raped instead. And God rewarded him for that. It’s all right there in Genesis 19.
Abuela: Okay, but Leviticus says we should stone the gays!
Sue: It also says we should stone people for eating shrimp, wearing clothes made of different fibers, and beat women who sit on furniture during their menstrual cycles. So, you know, maybe we shouldn’t invoke Old Testament morality when we’re making 21st century decisions about personal ethics.
Abuela: But Paul’s letters in the New Testament…
Sue: Yeah, you know he wrote those letters in Greek, right? The Greek word “arsenokoitais” is translated to mean “homosexual” in a lot of modern Bibles right now, but over the years it has been translated to mean “effeminate,” “sisies,” “child molesters,” “abusers” “male prostitutes,” and “people with infamous habits.” It was even translated as “masturbators” at one time. If you want a real mindfuck, you should do a little research on the way we got the Bible.
Abuela: But what about what Jesus said?
Sue: Jesus literally never said one word about gay people. He talked the most about love and the next most about money and the next most about how rich politicians and religious leaders who use God’s name to promote their power-grabbing agendas are the worst people and will pay big time in the end.
Abuela: …
Sue: I’m not trying to destroy your faith. Believe what your heart tells you to believe, but don’t be a pawn in someone else’s propaganda game. Christians and politicians have used to the Bible to defend every kind of sexist, racist, homophobic baloney for thousands of years.
And so that’s how Santana’s abuela ended up at the wedding! She still thinks it’s wrong for women to marry women, but she loves Santana and she wants to be a part of her big day! Okay, I guess!
Sue turns her attention to Kurt and Blaine next. With the help of Brittany and Santana, she has procured two tuxedos perfectly tailored for them and placed the suits onto a couple of Klaine-shaped mannequins. Brittany says Kurt made it safe to be gay at McKinley, which is true, actually, and so she wants to thank him for paving the way for her and Santana by having a double wedding. Santana, because of some miracle that’s maybe just euphoria because her abuela is here, agrees that they should do this thing together. The idea that Santana and Blaine would be willing to share their wedding spotlight is one of the funniest things I have ever heard, but I love these guys so much I don’t even care.
Kurt: I don’t know!
Blaine: I don’t know!
Kurt: I don’t know!
Blaine: I don’t know!
Santana: Oh, just put on the goddamn tuxes and let’s do this.
And they do!
Mercedes sings Etta James’ “At Last” while Kurt and Brittany walk down the aisle, and Santana and Blaine walk down the aisle. (Somebody on Tumblr posted a picture of Santana and Blaine walking to the altar and captioned it “Here come the bottoms” and it made me laugh so hard.) Everyone makes such faces! Blaine? Kurt? Why, what are they doing?! Jennifer Coolidge keeps up this steady stream of commentary about how Pierce Pierce is missing the whole thing; it’s pretty great. It’s wonderful, actually. All of it.
Riese: Cool facial expression, Schuester.
Burt says marriage is when two people say to each other “I love you because I love you, and I know this is gonna be one heck of a ride, but I don’t want to do it unless I can do it with you.” He says it’s a brave thing to love someone, and even braver to commit your life to someone, and still even braver when you have to drive across the state line to get married.
Riese: Somehow every time Burt Hummel talks I almost cry?
I found an email the other day from a million years ago, from the episode when Brittany said “Sex isn’t dating; if it was, Santana and I would be dating,” in which Dorothy Snarker asked if I’d seen Glee that night and I said:
It is never going to happen. Not in ten lifetimes. I will bet you fifty dollars and a pan full of brownies it will never happen. There’s no way Fox is going to allow Glee to have more than one gay character. There’s no way they’re taking two of the hottest girls on this show out of the potential dude dating pool/dude storyline pool. No way. Lesbian/bi sexuality is such a joke on broadcast TV. This is another The O.C. situation at the very best, but I doubt it’s even that. I’ll double your brownies if Brittany and Santana ever kiss. I’ll buy you an entire chocolate factory if they have a legitimate romantic relationship that lasts more than three episodes.
And Dorothy Snarker said:
Ah, I hope you’re wrong, Hoagie!
Besides how I now owe Dorothy Snarker fifty dollars and Willy Wonka’s entire operation, I guess, finding that email made me so happy. (There’s also an email exchange where she’s talking about writing something to push the writers to let Brittany and Santana actually kiss instead of just neck nuzzling and I say to her: “I love you but you’re wasting your time.”) But how could I have known?! I have said it one million times and I’ll keep saying it until forever: Fox was never going to do this on their own. Murphy, Falchuk, and Brennan were never going to do this on their own. I had no faith in Brittany and Santana’s storyline because I had no faith in the people who create television, and there was no precedent for fandom growing to know and understand its power and rising up to demand to be treated with respect. No precedent at all. How can you believe in a hero that has never existed before?
