Cut to the School Board meeting, headed up by Ted Beneke, where Sir William’s forced to make a case for twerking, because this show is complete nonsense.
Sir William then narrates a Tomorrowland-esque Voyage into the History of American Dance, as demonstrated by his animatronic band of hormonal idiots.
All these demonstrated dances have one thing in common, says Sir William: they seemed scandalous at the time but now seem innocent and quaint. Actually what all those dances have in common is that the white Americans “scandalized” by said dances didn’t even create them in the first place but had no problem taking credit for it: the Twist traces back to West Africa, the Charleston originated in Harlem, Elvis got all his musical influences from gospel and rhythm & blues, Chubby Checker invented The Pony, and the Lambada is from Brazil. AMERICAN! HISTORY! Oh the waltz though. Totally on us.
I want this entire show to catch on fire so I can throw its ashes down our bathroom sink drain. Much like the Drano already taking up space in said sink drain, this show is full of empty promises. “Do you want to be on the right side of musical history?” Sir William asks. If “the right side” is his side, I’m gonna have to go with…
Unique has requested a gender-neutral bathroom, and Sue’s responded by installing The Riddlers’ personal port-o-potty in the Glee Room, which Tina is really enjoying and everybody else hates. Including me.
Once again I’ll quote Mey’s tumblr: “Seriously, couldn’t the episode have been about the Glee Club fighting for Uniques’ right to use the women’s bathroom instead of having to use a unisex one? And were we not supposed to be ridiculously offended when the “special” bathroom designed for Unique had question marks all over it? It’s pretty obvious that was a joke where the punchline is that they aren’t acknowledging her gender.”
Back in New York, Kurt charges into the tattoo parlor with his self-righteous indignation and instead of bitch-slapping him on both cheeks with a cheeseburger, the tattoo artist shows Kurt the design Kurt provided him with, proving that it was Kurt’s typo, not that guy’s, that resulted in his grammatically confusing tattoo in this terrible font.
The tattoo artist says Kurt doesn’t seem like the tattooing type, but Kurt explains that his path has been different and exciting but not really and now he wants to take a streetcar towards desire or something. Tattoo artist says when you go off-road, crazy things happen, like when he got a tattoo of the host of That’s Incredible! on his chest in Hong Kong and turned it into a demon. He volunteers to fix Kurt’s tattoo and throw in a free tongue piercing, which’ll be great for rimming and terrible for acting and singing.
We then ski all the way to Hunter Mountain in upstate New York, change into our sneakers, and enter a magical wardrobe which ejects us directly into the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where New Santana’s guffawing over a Vine of Marley being a bad dancer and subsequently offering to gift Marley with a Twerktorial of her own. Oh and also:
New Santana: “After your pathetic night of don’t touch me there I mean it, Jake, he came running to me. And we twerked all night long.”
Marley-Kate is like nah New Puck would totes never do that, not with “trash” like you, and then New Santana is like:
New Santana: That is slut-shaming. You are using the derogatory label “trash” for a female’s natural sensuality. It’s femiphobic, neoretrogenderist and a clear form of sexual bullying.
HAHAHA FEMINISM HAHAHA LOL HAHAHAA LOL and then New Santana says something gross about a mole on New Puck’s hip and how they banged all night long like wild bunny rabbits.
Marley-Kate confronts New Puck and she’s crying a lot and he’s just like, whoops.
Then “Wrecking Ball” happens and admittedly I’ve never seen the original, but this one manages to be both really sad and sort of like a weird ABC Family promo / commercial for adult diapers.
Cut to the Glee Room, where Unique’s gotta pee, and I feel really weird that everybody’s gotta talk about Unique’s urinary tract and bowel movements all the time when they should be talking about how that g-dawful piece of fabric ended up becoming a shirt and then becoming a costume on this show.
Sir William The Cisgender Savior Industrial Complex takes Unique through the hallway blabbering about some nonsense I can’t listen to because I hate him, and Sir William says any time Unique needs to pee, she just needs to find him and he’ll let her into the faculty bathroom, because that’s a totally efficient and not a remotely infantilizing solution to a problem with a much more obvious solution: let the woman use the woman’s bathroom and ensure that space remains safe for her.
Unique’s really grateful to Sir William for everything which makes me want to die because he’s awful and he never stands up for her, ever, and the only ally cookie he deserves is a Fig Newton that’s been soaked in hot dog water for five hours.
Sir William: “No one needs to know how you identify yourself, they just need to know you washed your hands after.”
SHE IS A GROWN ASS WOMAN WILLIAM STOP TALKING TO HER LIKE A FUCKING TODDLER.
Sue spies Sir William’s self-serving gesture from her vantage point as the all-knowing all-seeing sorceress of the universe and tells Sir William she’ll give Unique a key to the bathroom if William gives up twerking.
Also, Sue continues using male pronouns for Unique and Sir William never corrects her, not ever, and I used to think “well, being a racist homophobic transphobic dicknail is just her character,” but as a girl who has now played about 75,000 games of Quiz Up Glee Trivia (insomnia is a bitch) and reported at least 75 trivia questions that referred to Unique as “Wade” using male pronouns to The Powers That Be, I can say that in this case Sue’s continuous usage of male pronouns has become a condoned behavior that is really dangerous to promote in a world where kids are never, ever, not ever, taught or told anything about transgender people anywhere besides this show. Especially since aside from her treatment of Unique, Sue’s been the only one calling out sketchy shit this season.
William refuses to take the deal, because he’s a heartless douchebag.
Sue: Oh for God’s sake, William, that’s your red line? Of all the things in the world to be outraged about.
Sir William: This isn’t about twerking. This about standing up to sue sylvester and her inane out of touch meddling. It’s about standing up against your repeated attempts to suppress the glee club and what we’re trying to say. When a law is unjust, it’s your duty as an American to disobey. It’s called civil disobedience.
Then Sir William rages out of the office, Sue-style, which’d be funnier if I didn’t want to smash a xylophone over his head for just picking booty-popping over Unique’s safety and happiness, or that such a choice even exists in the world of this show.
We then crabwalk backwards in sweatsuits to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft in New York, New York, where Kurt’s returned from a fencing match in Idaho with his tongue pierced!
Also, the tattoo artist “fixed” his tattoo to say “It’s Got Bette Midler,” so now it’s REALLY the worst tattoo ever.
Kurt notes that “ever since Finn died, I’ve been going about my business, but I’ve also kind of been in a trance and I guess I just needed to be shocked back to life.” Kurt departs to have skype-sex with Blaine and Rachel tiptoes into the bathroom to reveal to the camera that she got tatted up, too:
Back at McKinley, Sir William finally figures out how to get rid of his bad ideas by erasing them from the board. Just kidding, Sir William did some Serious Soul Searching and ultimately decided that Unique’s safety was more important than extras rubbing their asscheeks against his thigh in the hallway.
Unique steps forward to give Sir William a metaphorical pat on the back for doing the absolute minimum required to be a good person, and then everybody admits that twerking wasn’t really their style anyhow. Their style is more like “wearing patterns and stripes” and “caftans.” We then transition into a song Sir William ensures is “more their style.” It’s a recent pop song I’ve never heard before so that description seems accurate.
All these kids are one spin away from a Vomit Party, but Sir William is loving it.
Check it:
http://youtu.be/l-BmA-opyn8
Next week on Glee, I’ll be watching Catching Fire instead of Glee! But you can look forward to this:
