My Girlfriend Has Been Lying to Me for Months About The Weirdest Thing

My girlfriend of four months recently confessed to me that she’s been lying to me about her college experience. Basically, she’d told me she had a B.A. from a very good liberal arts school, but she just confessed to me that even though she did go to that college, she didn’t graduate, she actually dropped out during her second to last semester for mental health reasons. That’s fine, of course. What’s weird is that she’s been committed to this lie for the whole time I have known her. In ways she didn’t even need to! Like I told a funny story about my college graduation day, and she told a story about hers…..that never happened.

I’ve done a lot of reassuring her about this in the past few weeks since her confession, because she feels insecure about it, which is what made her lie in the first place. She thought I wouldn’t date her if I knew the truth (I graduated from an Ivy and she said that intimidated her), and has said other people have judged her when they found out she didn’t really have a BA. (Have they though????) She also lies about this on her resume, but I understand that, educational requirements for jobs are oppressive and I get that.

But if I’m being honest, I still feel weird about her lying to me! First of all, she told a few specific lies, like the one about graduation, how she didn’t want her parents to come but then changed her mind last minute, and the house she lived in and who she lived with in her final year of school.

I’m learning how good she is at lying, and I feel like it’s normal to assume she could be lying about other things, no? Am I being paranoid and unfair? But also, it frustrates me that she thinks this would have been a dealbreaker. I’ve never indicated I’d have any issue with her…level of education?! Or anyone’s. It’s just so not me and not reflective of my values. I’m unsure if I’ve said something that made her think otherwise or if she just made an assumption about me. Which would have maybe been fine at the beginning of our relationship, but over time? The reason she finally confessed is because we were hanging out with a friend from her hometown who referenced something about her coming back home to live with her parents that indeed pinged as a little weird but didn’t necessarily tip me off to the web of lies. But I guess she finally felt guilty and like I might find out from someone else. Am I wrong to feel like this breaking of trust might be bigger than I realize?

Summer: Dishonesty is a complicated topic. It’s always difficult for outsiders to assess dishonesty because we don’t know the context of the rest of your relationship. We don’t know how you feel about her otherwise, or how she behaves in other areas. We don’t know how she feels about you and the reasons she does anything.

But we have to try. Otherwise, we’d never be able to go to anyone for advice.

When I assess dishonesty in someone else’s relationship, the two things I look at are magnitude and frequency. The greater the ‘size’ of the lie, the more of a problem there is. The more often someone lies, the more of a problem there is. We all tell small lies some of the time. I don’t want total honesty from anyone in my life. What I do want in a relationship is an environment of trust and honesty about the things that matter to us.

Based on these criteria, your situation can be disassembled and assessed.

Lying about university credentials is a fairly big one. It’s not buried-a-body big, but it’s not the same as oversleeping and blaming it on non-existent traffic. How much this specific lie matters to you will vary. Credentials and educational background might be hugely important to some people and a footnote to others. You’ll have to ask yourself how big of a deal this is to you. It would be a BIG deal to me because educational backgrounds are important to the people I date. And so is honesty. If my partners aren’t honest about something as basic as school, I’m not sure I could trust them in the long run. But you are free to feel differently.

Frequency is another issue here. This lie is a sizable lie scaffolded by smaller lies. In order to support the main story, she’s had to lie to you about smaller things. It’s… concerning when someone is willing to tell lots of smaller lies and is good at it. But it’s also a little more justifiable because those lies exist to support the big one. It’s not like she’s lying all the time about many things. Frequency is nonetheless present here.

That frequency also goes beyond your interactions. Lying on her résumé is very, very bad. It’s probably immoral (at least, I think it is). It’s also illegal in many places as a form of fraud (misrepresenting information for personal/financial gain). It could severely jeopardize her employment. If she gets caught, she may be quickly fired and blacklisted (in a tight industry). This could mean a sudden loss of financial security for both of you because she has a… whimsical relationship with the concept of ‘truth’. You may have to support a partner financially for reasons that may have been avoided. It could make finding future employment more difficult for her because she either gives up the lie and loses a point on her résumé, or loses references to her past employers. If it goes public, your role in upholding her lie and supporting her could call your standing into question among family and friends. Very bad all-round.

Coming back to frequency. She’s come clean to you about this. But you’re not a potential employer. Will she continue to uphold the lie to her employers after telling you the truth? If she does, she’s still lying. Big, and frequently. Just not to you. You have to ask yourself if you’re okay with having a partner who is committed to lying to maintain her employment. And you will have to condone or even uphold her lies in public, lest you jeopardize both of your financial security.

When I write the AF+ Advice section about relationships, I talk a lot about the importance of alliance or consensus. As in, the people in the relationship should act together against life’s challenges. Teamwork. That… also applies to doing bad things together. I’ve upheld lies for my partners and asked them to do the same for me. But it’s very different when you willingly do it as part of a team. Your relationship is a team and since she’s taking the lead on this, you have to decide if you’re willing to stand by her. If you ain’t willing, then that’ll be a point of friction, disagreement, and resentment.

To help your thought process, I’ll bullet point some of the stuff I see and you can process it as you wish.

I moved in recently with a couple, Skye and Tara, who I’ve been friends with for years. Unfortunately right before I moved in they got into a big fight. I noticed Tara was kind of distant, both from me and her partner, and Skye was clearly despondent. Because Tara wasn’t around very much, Skye was the one I asked about what was going on and she vented to me quite a bit about their fight. I tried to get a sense for how Tara was doing but whenever I tried asking her how she was doing or what was up I didn’t get very far because she had her walls up. I tried to encourage Skye to talk to Tara about what was going on because she seemed to be avoiding it. She assured me she would.

She didn’t. Things blew up last week, resulting in a screaming match between the two of them and Skye going to her mother’s house for the night. I tried to talk to Tara but she was mad at me for “talking behind her back” with Skye. She said she can’t bring herself to talk to either me or Skye about what’s happened because she’s too hurt and she feels ostracized in her own home and needs time. It’s been a week and everyone in the house has been talking to each other like things are fine but I feel all twisted up inside and on edge. I had told Tara to take the time she needed but at the same time I’m wondering exactly how long that’s going to be. It feels like we’re all pretending this never happened and it’s driving me up the wall.

Summer: Oof. Reminds me of an old friend of mine who moved in with very close friends. She learned that people who are really fun to be around might not be as fun to live with.

So… it sounds to me like you’ve got front-row seats to how your besties resolve relationship issues. And since this is your house now, that’s become your problem.

When we console or advise our besties, we’re usually doing it in a context removed from the actual events. Over tea or at a weekly hangout. The context changes when you’re there to see it happen. That makes it a spectacle and everyone bears the social consequences. I think that explains Tara’s belief that you were ‘talking behind her back’. I don’t think that belief is uncomfortable given your role as a best friend to Skye who should be supporting Skye’s endeavors. But since you were present for the screaming match, you are unfortunately now caught up in the fighting.

This is difficult because it’s jeopardizing your role as a supportive friend to Tara + Skye. They’re in conflict so you can’t support one — even emotionally — without potentially alienating the other.

But I must add: you are a housemate and ‘relationship counselor’ is not part of the agreement

You’re feeling stressed and pent-up about the situation. As is your right, since there were recent hostilities in what is now your home. But neither the source nor outcome of those hostilities are your fault. So I think your main obligation should be protecting your well-being. You’re a compassionate friend who has shown much concern for both others in the house. What about yourself? This… breaks my heart to say because it’s what I would have told my childhood self. But… you deserve a stable, predictable home devoid of shouting matches and uncertainty.

As an adult, you have more tools to create that space for yourself. It could involve taking time away. Isolating yourself. Talking to the couple. Supporting their relationship. But I think you should look to yourself.

Because… and I hate to say this. But this might just be how Skye and Tara are at home. Their relationship may just entail arguments and displays that would be horrifying to you. But they’re accustomed to them or don’t consider these arguments severe and can still commit to loving each other. Maybe they resolve conflicts by simply not talking about it and allowing time to smooth things over. That… sounds nuts to me, but it truly works for many people.

And if that turns out to be the case, your efforts at support may be taken more as interference in their established and ‘comfortable’ status quo. Which isn’t good for anyone.

Which is why in lieu of my usual approach to giving lots of pragmatic advice for addressing interpersonal problems… I’m genuinely just gonna tell you to watch and wait. To see where things go. To see if they want your support or advice. To see how you can respond in a way that protects you. And when you’re called upon to respond, you’ll have more information to work on.

Looking for resources! Anyone have suggestions for reading/listening materials for the emotional side of the fertility process? My wife and I are trying to conceive, and we’ve found ourselves a little unprepared for the emotional ups and downs of waiting and uncertainty. The books we’ve found so far have tended to focus on the logistical/biological side of conception, on miscarriage, or on pregnancy itself. Grateful for any leads!

Riese: You know I definitely wish there were more resources of this nature! I don’t know if you’ve ever checked out Queerception on Reddit, but I found it really helpful (they have a lot of threads just focused on those dreaded two weeks, for example). A few months back Sai did a great piece on Pregnant Together (full disclosure: the post was sponsored, but it was an honest post!), a community for queer couples going through the TTC process that might be worth checking out. We also have some essays and stories right here that touch on some of these topics. (More if you go further back into the archives!)

Other things:

The Intersectional Fertility Podcast: centers queer, trans and non-binary folks trying to conceive through “information-laded episodes and compelling interviews with guests.”

This episode of We Can Do Hard Things

The Queer Family Podcast: Lots of different episodes here dig into the emotional elements of making babies, hosted by queer parents Jamie Kelton and E.Bradshaw and assorted guests.

The Trying Game: Get Through Fertility Treatment and Get Pregnant Without Losing Your Mind: this book is not queer-centric but it is focused on the emotional and practical aspects of the process.

The Art of Waiting: On Fertility, Medicine and Motherhood, by Belle Boggs – A reported book a combination of the author’s own experiences and the complex stories of other couples going through the process.

And here’s another set of fertility podcasts that might have some of what you’re looking for.