It’s Friday! You made it! It was a long, weird, cold week, and at one point you got locked out of your house in pajamas and snow boots for six hours, even though it wasn’t snowing but was in fact very cold, and so you hung out at the laundromat across the street watching telenovas and bought a bagel with some quarters. Or maybe that was just me. Anyway. The point is, you made it.

This week’s Fan Fiction Friday is all about the endlessly teenage Pretty Little Liars from Rosewood, Pennsylvania and the lesbonic hijinks they get up to on the internet. I’ve written more about PLL than anything else in history ever, and I’ve always felt like I had a really solid grasp of the show — but no. Searching out sexy fan fictions made me realize how very, very little I know. (About Pretty Little Liars, not about sex. I KNOW PLENTY ABOUT SEX, OKAY.)

Luckily, I had Rachel to guide me through my confusions.

Heather: according to fanfic, the order of sexual prowess for the liars is: paige, hanna, spencer, mona, emily, maya, ali …………………. aria.
Rachel: spencer? really? i would have ranked her lower, i feel
Heather: i think it’s because she has that hermione thing about studying something until it’s perfect?
Rachel: hm
Heather: i feel like hanna and paige as the top two makes sense, though.
Rachel: agree
mona also
Heather: mona would be next level good at sex due to her ability to be everywhere and nowhere at once, and also read minds, and also bend time.
Rachel: i think mona is an expert at everything she could ever want to do
like she could pilot an expedition to mars
or cure lupus

Grounded in Mona forever.

Here are the top five things I learned while putting together this week’s post: 1) There are some sizzling GIFs of Spencer and Paige doing scissor/spoon stuff on Tumblr. How? I don’t even know. Magics, I guess. 2) No one will give me any Emaya fic, which is actually really upsetting. 3) OT4 is when you ship all four Liars together. 4) OT5 is when you ship all four Liars, plus OG Ali D together. 5) Aria and Paige doing it? Not as weird as you’d think, actually.

And now, here are 7 Pretty Little Fan Fictions to set your pants aflame.

Sirens by XenaLives

Pairing: Emily and Paige
Plot: Paige is a pirate boat captain who rescues Emily from the sea!
Hotness Level: Shiver ye timbers.

“Take this off.” Emily demanded, breathlessly, as the pulled at the strap of her scabbard across her chest.

Paige lifted it over her head, letting it fall to the floor as she moved over Emily pushing her back to the bed, their lips meeting again in a clash of tongue and teeth. Emily’s fingers fumbled with the buttons on Paige’s shirt, eventually giving up on the last few and ripping it open, her hands snaking across her taut belly and the strong muscles of her back as she worked her way down to encourage her out of her pants.

Paige groaned at the touch. Her nerve endings crackled and spots danced in front of her eyes as her hands stroked down Emily’s breasts, belly and sides. Emily’s back arched in pleasure at the Captain’s strong hands on her, kneading her breasts and teasing her nipples.

Paige was wild with need as Emily responded to her with abandon sending her heart racing and her breath coming fast and quick. Heat coiled in her belly and fanned out through her core as Emily threw her head back, exposing her neck and chest to her touch.

Mermaid by MysticalGoddessOfWords

Pairing: Emily and Alison
Plot: Emily and Alison have somehow managed to graduate from high school and escape Rosewood and now attend different colleges, so they’re hard up for some finger-banging every time they see each other.
Hotness level: You know how sometimes it’s so good just to skip the foreplay and get down to business? This is that.

With the blonde sufficiently distracted by her kiss, Emily flipped them, pushing Alison back slowly until her back was pressed against the mattress. Alison’s thighs fell open and Emily hiked them up over her thighs before leaning down and kissing Alison until they were both breathless.

Emily’s hand cupped Alison’s breast through the thin fabric of her dress, her thumb gently caressing the hard nub of her nipple. Ali arched her back, pressing herself into Emily’s palm.

“Em.” It was Alison’s turn to whimper now as Emily pushed her dress up to her waist, revealing the red lace panties beneath. Emily’s fingers skimmed along the edge, teasing Alison. Emily sucked softly at the skin beneath Alison’s jaw and didn’t hesitate as her fingertips dipped beneath the fabric and found Alison hot and wet.

“Yes,” Alison hissed her eyes fluttering with pleasure, as she felt Emily finally touch her. She had been missing and craving Emily’s touch for weeks, months, really. Alison lifted her hips to meet Emily’s fingers as she gripped Emily’s hair again.

Emily’s touch started out gentle. She flicked her fingertips against Alison’s clit until the blonde was whimpering incoherently. Emily buried her face between Alison’s breasts, pressing soft kisses on the soft flesh, over the top of her dress. Emily swirled her tongue over what she’d discovered was one of Alison’s most sensitive spots before her lips traveled up. Emily sucked softly at the hollow of Alison’s throat.

“Don’t leave a mark,” Alison murmured against Emily’s ear as she buried her face in the dark silky strands of Emily’s hair. “I didn’t bring any turtlenecks with me.”

The Week it Rained by Joseph Dougherty

Pairing: Paige and Emily
Plot: This is one of the novellas in PLL writer/producer/mastermind Joseph Dougherty’s The Yellow Sweater series, which you can purchase from Amazon Worlds.
Hotness Level: Oh, the longing! Oh, the payoff! Oh, the impeccable grammar and punctuation! Five stars for the story; plus, a bonus star for sexy, sexy semicolons.

 This was not like kissing Alison. Whatever it was to kiss Alison, this was another matter altogether. This was about Paige and Emily. This was certainty. There was a hungry energy between the two girls that hadn’t surfaced before in their short time together. Something different would come of this. Paige reached into Emily’s open shirt, reached around to the belt of the foolishly oversized trousers, and took hold, pulling Emily’s hips against hers.

Emily looked past Paige to the bedspread on the old davenport and tried to nudge Paige backwards toward the sofa. Paige brought her right hand around to the front of the uniform pants, grabbed the end of the belt and held on to it like a lifeline. Emily was no longer pinned against the washer and turned inside Paige’s embrace to reach toward the davenport. She got hold of one corner of the bedspread and pulled it off. In that moment, Paige lost her grip on the belt and the pants came loose and fell around Emily’s ankles, like something in a farce.

It was a farce. A beautiful farce.

Four Times Emily Tells Alison She Needs Therapy, and the One Time She Actually Listens by OccasionalTalent

Pairing: Emily and Alison
Plot: Emily really wants Alison to talk to a mental health professional about constantly getting murdered and buried alive, so she can be whole and healthy and make sweet mask-less love to Emily.
Hotness Level: Completely in character and something to actually root for on the show, plus implied scissoring. :two thumbs up emojis:

She’s still in her towel, dripping wet and Emily’s breath hitches at the sight in front of her, she doesn’t mean to stare, she really doesn’t, but she’s mesmerized by the way the water rolls down Ali’s neck.

When she notices Ali flush under her gaze, she quickly shakes her head and looks away. The tension is thick in the air as she slides up on the bed and lays down on her back; less then five seconds later Ali crawls into bed with her and Emily’s all too aware of the fact she didn’t put on any clothes, and that there is only a flimsy white towel between her and Ali’s naked body, and holy-shit why does she feel 14 again?

“Em…?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you…” She takes a deep breath, obviously struggling with her words, “Can you hold me?”

(Editors note: She can do a lot more than hold you, girl.)

Compete Against the Stars by drivingincircles

Pairing: Paige and Emily
Plot: Paige and Emily meet each other on the way to Wayne Fields’ military base in Texas, during — wait for it — the actual apocalypse! (Also, they have a dog, who is still very alive.)
Hotness Level: Unf!

It started with the lightest brush of lips against the back of her neck. So light, that at first she thought she’d imagined it.
But then she felt it again. Her body was instantly alert, hyperaware of every movement Paige was making against her. Was Paige awake? Did she know what she was doing?

The question left Emily’s mind the moment Paige kissed the nape of her neck again, harder this time. Paige’s hand moved languidly up and down Emily’s side, Emily humming quietly and arching back into Paige as she fleetingly touched the side of her breast.

Emily felt Paige’s groan vibrate through her as her hand slid down over her stomach, fingers brushing the hot skin of her abdomen where her t-shirt had ridden up. Paige’s kisses travelled around to the side of her neck, Emily’s skin burning in their wake, Paige pulling Emily’s hips back against her so that there wasn’t an inch of space between them. Paige’s hand moved upwards over the material of Emily’s t-shirt, Emily’s stomach flipping as she confidently smoothed over her breast.

Paige sighed against her ear, cupping Emily gently, dipping her head to nip Emily’s neck, her tongue soothing over the skin.

Emily moaned quietly, her fingers digging into the mattress as Paige’s thumb rubbed over her hardened nipple through her clothes. “Paige,” she gasped. A subtle throbbing had started between her legs, intensifying when Paige moved her hand back down, her fingers softly teasing the skin of Emily’s lower abdomen just above the waistband of her jeans.

she was ready, and happy, to be hurtled along to her destruction by Immortality

Pairing: Emily and Alison
Plot: Emily wants to know if Ali is kissing her for real or for practice.
Hotness Level: Solid sexy angst and needs.

Emily thinks it’s a bit cliché, the whole cherry lipgloss thing.

Or is it chapstick? She can’t quite remember right now, not when her mind’s hazy with alcohol and Ali’s kissing her way down the slope of Emily’s neck, her knee pressing up and between Emily’s thighs. There’s delicious friction there, but Emily’s trying not to think too much about it, because, really, Ali is a tease. Emily’s more than aware of this fact and it makes her cringe a little, thinking about how ridiculous she must look to Ali. Flushing and flustered and desperately hoping for more. Hoping that Alison will take things further, just once.

Hoping that this isn’t what it usually is: a preview of something she’ll never actually get.

Pictures of Success by Roonie

Pairing: Spencer and Paige
Plot: Two years after high school, Paige comes home from Stanford and ends up saving Spencer from sleeping with Noel Kahn at one of his ragers in the woods. While Emily is away, they start to play.
Hotness level: This may actually be the hottest non-canon PLL ship on earth. Like so hot, it makes me want Spencer to be queer on the show even more than I normally do, which is ridiculous, because I have wanted her to be a lesbian from the moment she said, “Hope breeds eternal misery.”

At that moment, Spencer finally felt herself coming alive. Like seeing a light at the end of a dark and suffocating labyrinth. She didn’t care if it was the end or just a lamp. She needed to get there. Paige McCullers was moving against her. She was kissing her neck. She was asking if it was okay for her hands to be on Spencer’s ass, asking if she could take off her shirt.

Spencer wasn’t sure she’d ever been so riled up. “Of course,” Spencer whispered every time she caught her breath. Just like that, her shorts were gone. Paige was pushing her down into the mattress. She was kissing down her stomach, just to move her hands and mouth back to her breasts, kissing over the lacy bra, causing Spencer’s nipples to strain against the material. She wondered how Paige’s hands could simultaneously be everywhere but not touching her nearly enough. Spencer squirmed, pushing her legs together and moving her hips to create a little friction. Paige must not have noticed, because she put herself between Spencer’s legs.

Sencer groaned and pushed the girl back. Paige eased off, looking concerned. Spencer was too far gone to smile. She was thoroughly foreplayed. She pushed up so she was leaning on her her elbows and pouting. “Why are your clothes still on?” she whined in that low tone she’d long perfected. Paige chuckled and helpfully put her arms up so Spencer could remove her shirt. Spencer continued undressing the girl, tumbling them over so that she was on top. She sighed, relieved. She’d been missing so much from the bottom. The idea of watching Paige’s fingers slide inside her made her shiver madly as she tugged Paige’s jeans off. She pushed her bare thigh between the girl’s legs and could feel wetness under her cotton underwear. Both girls gasped at the contact.

Next week, we’re going all in on Lost Girl. Recommendations are both welcome and necessary. I’ve never even waded into Lost Girl fandom; there’s a chance I’m going to drown.

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