Welcome to the sixth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about a 34-year-old weirdo who isn’t sure where all the wasps are coming from from the same network that brought you Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, a reality show I should’ve won, but did not. I didn’t even enter!
So, I just watched the mid-season trailer for Faking It. I have hope. I have seen it and I have hope! Heather watched it three times in a row.
We open — where else? — on the resplendent, sunny, shiny, brilliantly radiant lawns of Hester High for Hooligans and Former Employees Of Houlihans. Amy’s experiencing sharp pains of annoyance and regret towards Lauren, who’s giving her world’s coldest shoulder. Probably even colder than a Penguin shoulder or a Polar Bear shoulder or the side-of-the-road shoulder that didn’t save my brother and I from careening off a slick winter highway in Bowling Green, Ohio in December of 2001, a situation we both survived, thank goddess.
Hm, I wonder what Lauren is doing with my phone…
I know what happened 2 ur mom. Bring the lair and u’ll know 2. Kisses – L
Anyhow, Karma’s not that interested in Amy’s situation because she’s too busy watching Liam dump water over his burning hot man-bod. Amy says Karma’s gotta get over Liam since he’s dating Rachel Rabbiberg now, and maybe Karma should stop thinking about boyfriends and start thinking about boy friends with benefits. “I learned this summer that a steamy makeout session with a hot stranger can do wonders, it really reboots the hard drive,” says Amy, although this memory is unfortunately not accompanied with a flashback.
You know, I used to really like that guy until the drought hit and he refused to cut back on his water usage.
Hey, you over there! Save some for the crops!
Good news: this weekend is Hester’s Haunted Halloween Hemrrhoid party. Everybody who goes hooks up! Sounds like what everybody told me college was gonna be like (BUT IT WASN’T.) Karma’s not gonna dress up like a slutty nurse all by her damn self, though — she’s only going if Amy’s going with her, and Karma assumes she won’t want to ’cause she’s “saving herself for Felix.” Amy insists this is not the case: she kissed him once, and then he went to rehab. so she’s totally a free agent and definitely not going to ruin my life (yet).
Cut to Lauren’s Lair, a super-fancy apartment paid for by Daddy and patrolled by round-the-clock interns. Amy’s arrived with a muffin for her muffin (NOT THAT KIND OF MUFFIN) and begs Lauren to come to the Haunted Hoo-ha Party.
Hey Lauren I’m here on behalf of the Easter Bunny, who wants his color scheme back
Lauren is very stubborn and refuses to go, and also is reluctant to admit that it’s not just her social media presence she requires interns for — it’s ’cause she is a tiny teenage girl in a big apartment all by herself and she probably is having nightmares about being kidnapped by Willow, like I did.
So: Liam’s breakup with Rachel has helped Liam to see that he has no business being in this show anymore JUST KIDDING no business being in a relationship! Instead he just wants to dress up like a cave man and find a nice Betty Rubble to rock and roll with in a sexual way. Also, Shane’s Mom is chaperoning the dance wearing a Playboy bunny outfit and a wine bra. You ROCK IT, Shane’s Mom.
Liam I’m not sure if Shane told you this already but I’m not like other Moms, I’m a cool Mom
Brew and Chew with Lew: Amy’s picking up a hot beverage from her local indie coffee establishment when who should she bump into but Felix, who she invites to the Haunted Hester Party.
What about a firm boob grab? Did you ever try just grabbing her boob and going “HONK HONK”?
Always my first move
Felix is surprised Amy’s attending this hook-up party when she should be sitting at home filling out Mad Libs with his name for every blank space and/or carving his name on her ankle with a needle. She insists she’s just being Karma’s Wing Man, which’s exactly what I’m gonna be for Halloween next year. Amy admits they’ve got a KILLER haunted house and that’s the real reason she’s going.
Haunted Hester Hook-up House Party: Amy’s dressed as Lesbian Icon / Certified Wing-Woman Amelia Earhart. Karma’s going as Cleopatra, but Penelope Delia Fisher makes her change into a pre-approved costume because Karma’s not Egyptian so it’s culturally appropriative.
No WAY are you serious that bowl of eyeballs was just peeled grapes??!!!
Shane is wearing something complicated and tells the ladies that the best way to party like they mean it at this particular event is to explore the Tunnel of Terror with a special somebody, make it through the rain, and then make out.
Back at Lauren’s Cinderella Castle Condo, our heroine is frightened to learn that a blonde-teenager-killing serial killer is on the loose and whoever just knocked at her door ran away before she could see them and even though she has a gun in her purse she’d probably feel safer at The Ball.
Okay, that’s it, if the spotlight over my watercolor goes out one more time I’m calling a tenant’s meeting
Hester Hullaballoo: who should Karma run into in the quick-change room but Liam! Apparently his caveman attire was rejected for promoting domestic abuse, so now he must dress up as a gay sailor.
Me? At Posh during Fleet Week? I’d never!
He informs Karma that he’s no longer betrothed to Rachel, and Karma informs him that if her Dad hadn’t had a heart attack, she would’ve been right there to talk to him about their future together! But they’re interrupted before Liam has a chance to respond. DANGIT.
If anybody is following along at home I have just murdered my SIXTH wasp of the day. Where are they coming from? If I die in my office today I want you to know it was the wasps. Anyhow, so, Shane introduces Amy — who’s sheepishly shoveling donut holes into her mouth — to Harper, a verified lady-loving lady who’d love to take Amy on a tour of the tunnel of terror! Not HER tunnel of terror, but THE tunnel of terror.
GIVE. HARPER. YOUR. DONUT. HOLE
This donut hole?
Too late.
Shane shuffles Karma into the tunnel with a boy dressed like a hot dog and Amy slips in with Harper, who immediately cops a feel. Ten points for Harperclaw!
This reminds me of a nightmare I had about being trapped in a bunker with the Blue Man Group, except they were all wearing red and talking about communism
Karma’s trip through the tunnel is less eventful, as for some reason she’s uninterested in walking through an enclosed space lined with actual human hands reaching towards her while accompanied by a complete stranger. She escapes before they get too deep. In other Liam-related news, Shane’s afraid that Liam is gonna hook up with his Mom and keeps having creepy hallucinations about it.
Looks like somebody’s got an eyelash to make a wish on!
Lauren tries to butter Shane’s roll and complement his excellent party-planning skills as sweetly as possible in hopes that he’ll come back to her place after the party and protect her from the serial killer. I mean, she doesn’t tell him that’s WHY she wants him to come over, but that’s why she wants him to come over. He feels weirded out by her niceness and flees the scene.
Stop looking at me like that!
LIKE WHAT??
Karma’s creeping around the back-end of the haunted tunnel when she is scared silly by Felix. He’s dressed up as a chainsaw murderer and has decided to lend his scare tactics to the Haunted House Team with a specific focus on Amy, who claimed she can’t be scared. Just you wait, Amy!
Yeah IDK I just thought, well, I’m already bloody from slaughtering all those chickens, might as well come out to the party and share the love!
Amy and Harper exit the tunnel and Harper’s like, “what do we do now?” and the hot dog boy is like “you make out!” and they’re both like “hey leave us alone, patriarchy, our girl-on-girl action is not for your consumption.” The good news is that it IS for our consumption and it does happen.
Finally somebody’s Amelia Earheart fantasies come true
Of course, they’re mid face-suck when Felix rolls up with his loud power tool.
Whoa buddy, be careful with that thing, the carcass that needs butchering is hanging from the meat hook
“Felix?” asks Amy, looking kinda guilty. “I guess you two know each other,” says Harper, still wearing a catsuit. Amy should make a joke like, “yeah well, as a serial killer, I happen to have a lot of friends with chainsaws, but enough about me, let’s make out more!” Instead, she stands stupidly as Felix stomps off and I smash my head into the wall, releasing a nest of wasps that eats me alive. (Update: just killed the seventh wasp.)
Karma finds Felix sitting forlornly at a table journaling and probably thinking about other power tools and home improvement projects. He feels angry and a little bit sad, but Karma insists that Amy’s kiss with Harper meant nothing! Amy just came here to make out with random strangers! Felix points out that Amy told him she just came here to help KARMA make out with random strangers, so, oops. I guess Karma is shipping Amy and Felix, or else picking up on Amy’s contradictory vibes and statements regarding her interest in him.
There are TONS of home remedies online for getting Manic Panic off your hairline, Felix
You mean I don’t have to live like this forever?
This changes everything.
Karma tells Felix that Amy doesn’t drink (and somehow manages to resist mentioning that time that Amy did drink and then had sex with Liam), so why can’t they date? “I have to get my house in order until I let anyone else in,” says Felix. THUS THE POWER TOOLS, DUH.
Liam emerges from the backroom where he’s been hanging out with Brian Kinney to find Karma, who says that just ’cause she wants them to get back together doesn’t mean that they should. She’d probably just screw it up, after all! So they should just be friends.
Look, it was just one blow job! Brian has a live-in boyfriend now, it’s not serious, I promise.
Then Shane’s Mom chokes on an eyeball cookie but Liam saves her. PHEW close call!
Felix, apparently done with his journaling, finds Amy leaning against a wall looking like a cute girl who just ditched another cute girl who she could be watching Broad City re-runs with right now. Instead — INSTEAD! — she’s telling Felix that they have a “thing” and that her lips were just “KILLING TIME” when she put them on the lips of another lady AND that she would TOTALLY wait two months for him to be allowed to date. I feel like this was the plot of The Notebook, which is a movie I did not see and therefore did not have to recap.
Okay fine you can borrow my chainsaw. But please don’t kill any lesbian characters with it.
Felix doesn’t want her to wait for him, it’s too much pressure. “I release you,” says Felix. Aw, he’s just like Bill Compton!
“Seriously, Shane? You think I want to do your Mom doggy-style in the middle of a school party?” asks Liam, in his most memorable line of the season. He can’t believe Shane thinks that Liam would sleep with his Mom! It’s not like Shane’s Mom is played by an actress who played a lesbian in a different teevee show. Shane admits he’s just a little paranoid because, you know, Liam slept with his sister.
Yo, have you seen Olive Oyl anywhere?
Liam’s got a genius plan to earn Shane’s trust back: he’ll move out of Shane’s house, thus ensuring Liam will have minimal opportunities to sleep with any additional family members. This doesn’t make a ton of logical sense, but I think we all know where this is heading, plot-device-wise!
A terrified Lauren loses her glass slipper in the wet, murky parking lot, only to discover that the man she feared was following her to her car is in fact Hester’s Own Liam Booker, animal trainer to the stars. She uses some kind of self-defense mechanism that injures his head, which means she’s got no choice but to let him spend the night in her apartment.
You wanna do the Macarena? Now?
So now Lauren’s apartment is a Safe Space because Liam has lots of upper body strength and even though I talk shit about him all the time, often for no reason (at least since Season One, when he was a lesbian-conquester douchebag), he would absolutely demolish anybody who tried to hurt Lauren. So don’t worry Mey, Lauren is okay!
Back at the Haunted House of Heteroflexible Horrors, Amy tells Karma she kinda WAS waiting for Felix, but now she’s not, because she wants me to be happy. Also because he released her like Bill Compton. Karma tells Amy that she’s decided not to get back together with Liam, because Amy was right: Karma needs to stay single and be okay with being alone. Amy points out that Karma is not alone, it’s in a song by Michael Jackson called “You Are Not Alone,” ever heard of it? Then they hug.
Let’s do this again later, but naked!
They’re about to exit the party in order to eat a bunch of leftover Halloween candy at an undetermined location when their path is blocked by a human in a mask. It’s not Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut, don’t worry. It’s SABRINA!
Amy, it’s me! Sabrina!
HOLY SHIT!!!
Karma, they finally brought another queer female character onto the show! Can you believe it??!!
Who’s Sabrina? Well, hopefully she’s a teenage witch… or a teenage witch LESBIAN!
Next week on Faking it:
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LAUREN TASED LIAM
MY HERO
God!, I hope yr killing those wasps with some kind of trapping rather than just swatting at them, that sounds like a sure way to get stung.
And I know there are like three hundred and sixty seven thousand reasons why Karma is a really terrible friend but I think reassuring Felix and trying to keep that whole thing alive almost certainly tops them all.
Came for the lady kissing stayed for the wasps-
I really hope you’re not squashing the wasps because apparently they release a smell when you do that attracts more wasps… I have seen wasps remove chunks of chicken breast from my plate and fly off with them. Fear is the only appropriate response to this. Fear and industrial amounts of Raid.
I worked as an EMT at an amusement park which had lots of problems with wasps, and I 100% agree with your assessment of wasps. I’ll never forget the day when we had eight people go into anaphylaxis…or the (subsequent) days when we were out of epi-pens. We used so much Raid and life was still a wasp-filled hell. WASPS ARE EVIL EVERYONE (also I totally believe that wasps can eat pieces of chicken breasts but please don’t tell me the details, I have enough problems sleeping right now).
i was indeed squashing the wasps HAVE I SEALED MY OWN DEATH
UGH GO AWAY FELIX YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE
I’m pleased that Amy apparently will finally get a girlfriend, but still furious the show decided to make her ‘fluid’ just so they can throw boys at her when it suits them. Like, if I wanted to see Amy flirt with Felix, I could watch literally any other show for that.
or even on this very show! where there are lots of boy-girl romances!
Gosh that is true and depressing
I don’t feel great about the whole “Noah’s hiding something” storyline in that preview, hopefully that handle that well.
Not gonna lie, i may have cried a bit when i saw lauren in that princess costume. I just want her to be recognized as the princess she is!
Also, thank you for letting me know she’s okay, i was worried. But still, i feel like she can do much better than Liam.
She will probably get the Best Liam there is, though – let’s be real, she’ll not let him get away with any bullshit.
No. no no no! Liam’s going to move in with Lauren and it is going to be terrible. But watching Halloween episodes in April is kinda awesome.
Also, all the lulz to the manic panic caption.
Usually, the best thing to do if you see a wasp is to just be calm. They won’t sting you unless you provoke them. However, if they have built a nest nearby or even in your home it’s probably best to call an exterminator. They can be quite aggressive if you intrude on “their” home.
Second sentence is pretty much refuted by the following sentences.
You have not seen the things I have seen.
Wasps will build a nest anywhere that is at the moment they try to build said nest dry and is a surface near another surface. Source? My childhood.
Fucking everywhere is potentially their home dude OnO
There is no safe space when it comes to wasps.
You can power walk/run, but can you hide? NOT AS WELL AS A WASP NEST MY FRIEND.
“You have not seen the things I have seen.”
I guess I haven’t. I have encountered aggressive wasps, but usually they leave you alone if you leave them alone, it all depends on how close to their nest you are.
How did we get here?
That’s the point, how close to the nest you are but do not realise that you are until the wasp is flying at your soft tender exposed flesh.
I respect their sometimes role in pollination, how they keep caterpillars in check, don’t hate them and don’t purposely try to interact with them but when their nest is potentially everywhere I’m just trying to liiiiiiive and not be stung or be chased.
I like sharks and gators so I understand if you feel protective of a species with bad rep or one that has humans overkilling them. Wasps are the more ha-ha funny traumatic part of my childhood that don’t have a 50/50 chance of making someone sad.
So understand I was attempting a bit of humor, sorry if it rubbed you the wrong way.
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/how-to-make-a-homemade-bee-tra-124242
But regarding the Faking It episode… If Lauren can keep Liam away from Karma, then I do think that’s a good thing. But I cannot for the life of me understand why Liam manages to attract pretty much every girl on the show…
I hate myself so much for failing to recognize the epic pun in Amy going as Amelia Earhart because she’s Karma’s WING-WOMAN. jfc so much shame I carry now.
Oh my god, I didn’t realize this until I read it just now.
That entire donut scene pretty much sums up my reaction every time I’ve ever had a chance with a girl: oblivious and/or eating donuts.
1. Lauren would have been the best A!
2. The only thing I like about Karma is her hair.
3. The Manic Panic comment amewsed me fur too much.
4. I refuse to acknowledge the Liam and Lauren thing.
5. I think you put more effurt, whimsy and talent into these recaps than the writers put into the show.
Those damn wasps and their puritanical beliefs.
That mid season preview just gave me the sweats. Please Riese don’t let Felix hook up with Karma. I need Felix and Liam out of this show, why can’t this happen?
right but if felix hooks up with karma then maybe that will neutralize amy hooking up with liam and we’ll never have to talk about either of them ever again
But if Felix hooks up with Liam, we’ll have to put up with Liam’s manpain tears.
Maybe Felix and Liam will end up being bisexual and hooking up with one another.
In fact, that sounds great with no downsides to me.
I can’t say I have any problems with Karma and Felix as a pairing, even though I hope that it’s temporary. Felix, unlike Liam, seems like a sweet guy.
Anyone in the UK know a site where I can watch Faking It? I’m using putlocker at the moment but it cuts the end off the episodes :(