Because life is nonstop melancholy, Anthony’s gone all-out turning the art warehouse broom closet room into like a flea market / romantic bistro for Lauren to have prom the way she deserves to — with Anthony looking spiffy in a white suit, a salvaged record player, and lots of twinkly lights.
Lauren’s awed and inspired but more importantly, has a Promageddon to deal with. She rushes out, leaving Anthony alone with all his gold lame and impressive decorating skills.
Karma takes matters/Wade into her own hand, Bachelor-style, pulling her date aside for some one-on-one time.
Liam drinks virgin punch in front of an Under The Sea shower curtain, glowering at Karma like Titan watching his daughter walking around with Eric on her FANCY LEGS.
Sasha and Liam do another round of flirting / not flirting.
Liam convinces Shane to go get his guy back because he doesn’t want Wade to be with Karma.
Shane proposes a threesome. “Just ’cause I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I wanna have sex with both genders at once,” says Wade! Butttt, also, Shane is hot and Karma is hot and so maybe just this once he’s willing to crunch into a handful of red hots and really live his best/worst life. Why not?
Welp, Amy and Liam will tell their best buddies why not! Liam and Amy present identical cases Against the Threesome to Shane and Karma, respectively. Amy doubts Karma’s insistence that Shane’s just playing chicken and Liam doubts Shane’s that Karma’s gonna bail at the last minute, as has been her way in prior orchestrated threesomes.
Liam is particularly opposed to Shane boning Karma or being in the vicinity of anybody boning Karma, which inspires Shane to re-iterate his opposition to Liam boning Sasha, which Liam promises is not a thing.
Meanwhile, the sweet sweet skeleton that Liam took to prom hangs out in their suit, alone and adrift in this sad sad world. The good news is that Mary Lambert is here, she’s queer, and she’s signing a song at Lauren Junior Sea Beast Prom. Mary Lambert would be the best thing to ever happen at any prom, anywhere, since “Just Say Yo,” The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air prom episode in which Carlton takes uppers instead of vitamins and does the running man a lot. (Heather interviewed Mary Lambert last weekend and it’s adorable and you need to read it)
Apparently Baldwin High got the Lauren Junior Prom decorations and Hester got their Under the Sea decorations, and I mean, I’d like to see how that’s playing out at Baldwin but hey! Tommy learned how to dance and wants to take her for a spin!
Tommy wanted tonight to be perfect, after all — which just reminds Lauren about that other perfect night hanging out in the warehouse with twinkly lights.
Liam, as we all knew he would, takes Sasha behind a conch shell for some tongue-twisters.
Meanwhile, Felix waits nervously for Amy, who shows up with shrimp-pops. Felix says this was a mistake — not the shrimp-pops (although certainly those were also a mistake), but this date, this going to prom with Amy thing! ‘Cause he actually likes her and it seems like the feeling isn’t mutual, and maybe it’s ’cause she’s not ready to date or maybe it’s a rebound thing or she doesn’t like guys or maybe AW FUCK IT then Amy just goes ahead and kisses him right on the mouth.
Reader. Oh, reader. How do I begin to tell this tale? This tale that has been told so many times before, this tale as old as time, this song as old as Ryan Murphy, Beauty and the Boy. Must I summon the ghosts of tales long gone by? The ghosts of Emily Fitch and Tea Marvelli? Well, here’s this: I wrote a few paragraphs about lesbian and bisexual representation on television and ret-conning and annoying tropes… but my rant didn’t quite fit, and the reason it didn’t fit is twofold.
1. My primary complaint doesn’t require a few paragraphs, because it can be summed up thusly: this is boring storytelling and it doesn’t say anything new and it has been done. On this show, even, already! We’re only in Season Two! There are so many stories left to be told — like, JUST AN IDEA, there being, oh, I don’t know, another lesbian or bisexual woman at this school? Like maybe just ONE OTHER LESBIAN OR BISEXUAL WOMAN in this ENTIRE SCHOOL? IN THIS ENTIRE G-DFORSAKEN SCHOOL IN AUSTIN LIBERAL BLUE OASIS IN THE HEART OF RED BLOOD BEATING STILL NOT ONE LESBIAN???
2. Maybe Rita Volk and Katie Stevens have gone rogue but the story being told right now is the Karmy story and Rita is playing Amy as a lesbian and Katie is playing Karma as bisexual and Rita is playing Felix as a person Amy can kiss instead of Karma. She likes his company, like she liked Oliver’s company, too. This is supposed to be a story about a girl who’s not sure about her sexuality, but from here it looks like a story about a girl who’s not sure about how to smash her feelings for her best friend — and apparently boys are the only humans in the general vicinity willing to distract her from that ache. Especially when she’s just found out that Karma’s gonna go have a random threesome. She probably doesn’t like boys, but she’s not ruling it out. She probably wouldn’t rule out a root canal or The Holy Land Experience if she thought it’d help her forget about Karma for one second. And, to return to “1,” I just wish they had a more creative and less historically overdone method of telling this story.
I don’t think Amy wants Felix to be her boyfriend and Karma to be her best friend. I think she wants Karma to be her girlfriend and Felix to be her best friend.
Karma is appalled to see Amy’s lips on Felix, just appalled! When Karma was all wrapped up in Liam, she practically hurled Amy into Reagan’s arms or the arms of any boy Amy didn’t throw up on, but now that she’s single, she wants Amy all to herself again, you know? Shane says they’ve got more pressing matters to attend to…
…like walking right by where Liam and Sasha are sucking face.
Now that both of Karma’s love interests are hooking up with tertiary characters and Shane’s sister is making it rain with Shane’s best friend, the twosome are even more determined to make this threesome happen. And Wade, like everybody who enters the lives of these ethically questionable humans, is about to be stuck in the middle of two people doing things for lots of reasons that used to be about him but really aren’t anymore.
At least Anthony and Lauren are living their best lives — but not for long, as Lauren’s gotta return to 10,000 Leagues Under the Deep Blue Sea and real life, the kind of life that doesn’t happen in five-minute intervals.
Anthony says it’s okay, they won’t have to keep their love a secret forever ’cause she’ll graduate in two years and then it’ll be okay! But Lauren can’t wait that long. She’s tired of keeping secrets, even for Anthony.
Lauren: “As much as I love you. either we go public, or —”
Anthony: “You know I can’t do that. I’ll lose my job.”
Well, this is a night to remember for all the wrong reasons, eh?
Back at Free Willy Prom, Mary Lambert announces the prom king and queen — it’s the pig and the ficcus! I had a feeling they’d take it this year. Felix and Amy laugh uproariously.
Karma informs Amy that a sleepover at Chez Fawcett is her cover story for the Very Important Threesome she’s about to attend, and then scolds Amy for kissing Felix after Karma specifically instructed her not to lead him on. Karma keeps changing her mind about which sexual orientation she wants Amy to have!  Amy scolds Karma for letting go of her magical prom dreams in favor of a threesome with “two guys who are into each other.”
Karma turns to go and Amy, just like that, comes out with “I FORBID YOU.” Y’all. Amy. Says. I FORBID YOU! She opens her mouth and the words that come out are these words:
I FORBID YOU.
It’s amazing. It’s desperate and illogical and transparent, but Amy panics and this is her best idea on short notice for stopping this thing from happening.
Karma: You FORBID ME?
Amy: (unsure)Â Uh-huh.
Karma: What RIGHT do you have to FORBID ANYTHING? You get to happy with Felix, Liam gets to be happy — when is it my turn?
Okay wow. Hold up. Karma Ashcroft! Liam wanted to be your boyfriend, and you said no. Amy wanted to be your girlfriend, and you said no. I mean, first you fucked with them a little bit, and then a little bit more, and then you said no. And then you said yes, and then you said no, and then you said yes. Again, and again.
Amy asks Felix to take her home and Liam goes home with Sasha, who is a terrible dance chaperone.
Wade leads his two nightmare dates to the hotel room, where they have last-minute panics and then promise to leave the lights off.
THE END!
Next week on Faking It, Karma and Shane will lie about their threesome and all will be revealed! If anybody in your house stuffed their head in a bowl of cream-of-wheat earlier in this episode, you can tell them to come out now, it’s over!
