The gang takes to the hallway to pull off this great caper, treading lightly while vaguely summoning the ghosts of Breakfast Clubs’ past, only to come upon Turner debating which delicious vending machine snack he plans to splurge on this afternoon.
Amy suggests pulling the fire alarm — which’s when we all learn the real reason Lauren’s in detention and wearing black gloves: she tried to avoid getting caught in the throes of passion with Theo by pulling the fire alarm, thus getting permanent ink all over her warm soft hands.
Luckily, Felix has this on lock — he’ll distract his Dad because, yeah, Turner is his Dad. The kids are shocked to hear this, but agree that whatever happens in detention, stays in detention. It’s basically Vegas without the buffets or the topless women. The kids skedaddle while Felix shuffles off to ask his Dad why men have nipples. Ah, family.
After what I imagine was a commercial break, we return to find Felix deterring his father from returning to the detention room with further inquiries on masturbation and whether or not oral sex is “really sex.”
Meanwhile, the Scooby Gang zips off in Theo’s cop car!
Amy apologizes for revealing Karma’s big payoff and Karma apologizes for being way harsh about Amy’s Dad Hank, she’s just sick of seeing him play with Amy’s heart.
Finally we arrive at Duke’s and Shane runs out of the car, catching Duke just in time! Amy runs out of the car, just in time to throw up on the sidewalk!
So then Lauren runs out of the car because who wants to be in a car with Liam and Karma. Amy tells Lauren it’s okay if she wants to tell Daddy, but Lauren says she won’t — she’d have to take down her whole Theo collage and lose her cool lesbian stepsister, Amy. Back in the car, Liam and Karma talk about Shane and Duke but they’re really talking about themselves. Karma hands Liam the check because she’s a moron. I mean, yes: taking a payoff to end a relationship is completely bonkers. But also: her family could really use the money!!
Karma: I wish I didn’t have to think about this.
Liam: I wish I hadn’t given you a reason to.
Meanwhile, Shane’s apologizing SO HARD to Duke, who continues displaying the same approximate range of facial expressions he’s offered thus far on Faking It, but forgiveness isn’t one of them — although he does thank Shane for finally admitting he was wrong. Shane’s just barely gotten his head out of his own asshole when he realizes that apologizing wasn’t a magic trick that’d make a plane ticket and training plans vanish into thin air.
Duke: I said I accepted your apology. I didn’t say I forgive you.
Shane: Stay, please!
[dramatic pause]
Duke: I can’t.
The gang manages to make it back to school unscathed, and detention reaches its timely end. They trudge out onto the yard, armed with new information about who everybody else is and misplaced ideas about what to do next.
“Don’t You (Forget About Me)” plays, of course, as they reassure each other once more that whatever happens in detention, stays in detention, including the off-camera scene I made up where Amy dumps her crush on Karma for a relationship with Claire.
Karma tells Amy she’s okay, she’s ready to turn over a new leaf and get a new haircut, which hopefully will be of the “alternative lifestyle” variety but most likely will never happen. Amy hops into Hank’s sweet ride for a Father/Daughter Day — well, a Father/Daughter afternoon, ’cause Hank’s gotta fly out to Moscow that evening. Apparently, Amy’s not into Hank having a job like this ’cause he just flies in and out of her life, like Nelly Furtado!
Amy: If you want to be my Dad, you have to be my Dad, and not just in between assignments.
So Hank calls Putin and puts an end to the whole situation. Just kidding he calls Amanda, his assistant, and says she’s gotta find somebody else! Hank wants to spend time with his daughter! GOOD LUCK, AMANDA!
Back at SkwerkleyTerkle, Liam’s gotten back into art again! This week’s project is called I QUIT. It’s a mixed-media installation involving multiple colors of post-it notes that lead to a $250,000 check upon which Liam has written FUCK YOU.
Shane’s sitting at home looking at pictures of Duke on his phone when Liam shows up with grilled cheese ’cause he needs a place to crash. This’ll be fun!
Back at the Aschroft-Turners, Karma’s invited herself back into her old room to cry ’cause her parents are smothering her with love and psychobabble now that she’s informed them of her recent breakup with Mr. Fancypants.
Felix is chill, though, and agrees to sleep on the couch, because of course he does, because of course they keep casting men in the lesbian roles, just like they did with Oliver! Felix is a sensitive doormat who loves comics and respects women. C’mon, show! Surely there’s another fresh-faced teenage girl you could’ve used to play the part of Felix. Anyhow, Felix lets Karma cry on his shoulder, and even gives her “moving on” advice based on how he coped with the death of his mother (“there’s no magic bullet, you just do it”), as if breaking up with Liam compared to losing a parent on any planet in any solar system anywhere. And the lights fade on this resplendent Saturday Night in which nobody has a fever and nothing’s quite alright. But you know what? We did get some quality character development this episode, and that’s something, even if there was no girl-on-girl action.
Next week on “Faking It,” Karma and Amy will have to pretend to be lesbians again! I’m sure that’ll work out really well for everybody.
