Meanwhile on Rodeo Drive, where all the hip cool girls go to shop for fancy belts and broaches to wear to all the killer parties where all the best dudes will be, Karma’s trying not to feel weird about accepting the Gift of Fashion from her new bestie, Intern Zita.
Here in the sanguine safety of the mirrored dressing room, Zita quickly reveals that she knows more about Liam than Karma does and more about Karma than Karma thought she did — like that Karma’s family is having financial troubles and that Liam thought Xander from Buffy was his father! Karma’s obviously ruffled to hear that Liam’s been confiding in Zita during their many hours at the office instead of in her when they’re role-playing in the red room of pain.
Back in the great state of Texas, dinner’s over and now Bruce is heading out to the office ’cause it’s easier to get shit done when nobody’s around! Suspicious, right? But before the girls can finish their plan to follow him wherever he may be going, Farrah foils everything by saying she’s also heading out for the night, on account of a wind sheer emergency at the station. Amy’s not sure that “wind sheer” exists.
Unsure of who to follow, they obviously conclude that only one option remains: a stakeout at the No-Tell Motel.
Back at the big fightaroo in Los Angeles, Shane’s super nervous for his main man. Then Zita and Karma show up, and boy does Karma look fantastic in her new outfit!
No, just kidding. The truth is that Karma’s gotten one of those makeovers that happen in movies were they take a pretty girl with wavy hair and flowy outfits and put her in a tight dress and slick back her hair and throw more makeup on her face and declare that she somehow looks notably more beautiful than she did before even though she doesn’t. She was pretty then, she’s pretty now, just with more gel in her hair! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR TRICKS, TEEVEE.
Before Liam can finish stumbling all over himself (but, unfortunately, after he had the opportunity to say the word “wowza!”), Joanna swoops in, simply delighted by the sight of two very rich people standing next to each other. Before anybody can righteously object, she shuffles Liam and Zita onto the red carpet. Liam’s stumbling and wondering where Karma is but Zita’s eating it up.
Joanna tells Karma to step to the side, so Karma stomps off to go wait wherever she damn well pleases, just as Shane returns from a stress lap. This is convenient, ’cause Joanna needs a word with him.
Joanna: You said you’re proud of our Duke’s rising star, right? So you wouldn’t want to spoil that, would you?
Shane: You really like to talk around a thing before you say it, huh?
Joanna: Look — I tell most of my clients not to have a relationship in the open, and if they do, it should be with somebody impressive, like, one of my other clients — no offense.
Shane: Uh, yes, offense? Very much offense. I’m not impressive enough?
Joanna: You’re in high school. It’s bad optics. It makes Duke seem less desirable. You understand?
Shane very much does NOT understand — and he says Duke won’t either. Joanna says Duke’s already on board, which’s obviously a lie, but it turns out that everybody on this show is just as bad at telling lies as they are at identifying them.
Back at the No-Tell Motel, Lauren is bored and Amy says love is a lie and we’re all going to die alone and they are specifically doomed due to the poor role models for relationships they’ve been provided by their philandering parental units. Lauren, filled to the brim with Theo’s sweet lovin’, says there’s still hope. You gotta give ’em hope.
Just as it seems all hope of finding lust in a hopeless place is gone, Farrah pulls into the motel in her Carmen Sandiego trenchcoat! “THAT BITCH,” says Lauren.
Back in the cool Los Angeles evening, Karma has made the financially unwise decision of returning her dress to Zita ’cause it suddenly doesn’t fit. WEIRDO SELL THAT SHIT ON THE BAY AND GET YOUR FAMILY THEIR HOME BACK! It’s not just the dress though, it’s all of it — oh and, Karma wants to leave on a jet plane, STAT.
Karma gets passive-aggressive about Liam doing the red carpet with Zita and then admits she’s pissed that she had to find out from Zita about Xander from Buffy and didn’t he know that Karma is a huge Buffy fan? I mean, sure, she obviously was more of a Spike/Buffy shipper but still.
Liam: “Look I don’t know what I can and can’t do with you. How am I supposed to know what the rules are if I don’t even know what we are. I mean, do you? I mean, we’re more than friends with benefits but we’re not quite back together and oh yeah, also, you’ve been tying me up. So you tell me Karma, what’s the answer?”
Karma: “I havent’ had any answers since you slept with my best friend.”
Liam: “THERE IT IS! Your trumpc ard! how many times do i have to tell you that I’m sorry, that I wanna be with you. Will that ever be enough?”
Karma: “I don’t know.”
So Karma walks away, leaving Liam dazed and confused. But really: as much as I hate to admit it, Liam’s not wrong here. She insisted that Liam not make their relationship official or meaningful, so she can’t complain that he didn’t feel comfortable confiding in her. Sure, we never would’ve gotten this far if Liam wasn’t a douchebag who wanted to bang a lesbian for a notch on his belt, but that’s not even what Karma’s upset about.
Next up in tonight’s Selfish Sagas, Shane marches up to a pre-gaming Duke to yell at him about Joanna saying they’ve gotta keep their relationship on the down-low.
Look, I don’t care if Shane just found out that Duke got really depressed and wasted at a wedding and had sex with Liam — don’t fuck with anybody when they’re about to battle to the death in a vat of pudding or whatever “Mixed Martial Arts” is.
Duke: Stop —
Shane: No, YOU stop. Stop letting the publicist, the paparazzi and the pay-per-view go to your head! G-d, if I’d known it was gonna be like this, I never would’ve outed you.
Duke stops moving, maybe even stops thinking, and his eyes flash with anger like a tiger, and then he gets right up in Shane’s face, and goes:
Duke: Just so you know, when Joanna asked me to keep you a secret, I said no.
He’s called to the ring, leaving Shane alone to think about how it feels to be a giant asshole.
Back in Austindale, Karma gets out of her towncar just as a limousine pulls up right outside her home.
Mr. Booker invites Karma to get into his car. So many limousines for Karma to ride in, so little time!
Back at No-Tell Motel, Lauren’s unleashing some righteous babe anger onto the door of the room where Farrah’s been hanging out with some mystery meat. How dare Farrah yank Lauren out of her blissful existence and smash her into Yarn Arts just to go cheat on Bruce!
Lauren raves about the DEVIL SEED in her PIT OF SIN and how Farrah better OPEN THIS DOOR before Lauren DRIVES HER CAR RIGHT THROUGH IT! Bless her, everyone, bless her. At last, the door opens, and it’s not at all who Amy was expecting:
No just kidding it’s Amy’s Dad!
Back at The Fight Of Duke’s Life, Liam’s sulking outside when Zita arrives to offer a shoulder to cry on / erotically nibble.
Zita: Did you two break up?
Liam: I don’t know if there was anything to break up.
Zita: Well, what do you want?
Liam: Honestly, I don’t know.
Zita: Well, I know what I want.
Does Zita want a squash-beet casserole? Does Zita want a Petco coupon? Does Zita want to take an Uber to Big Lots? Does Zita want a cruise for two to the Bahamas? Does Zita want to answer a few questions on this survey about LGBTQ health? Does Zita want to be an Autostraddle Intern? Does Zita want sailing lessons? Nope. Zita wants…
Welp.
Obviously I’ve now seen next week’s episode and can report that it actually manages to provide a lot of genuine character development, so you can look forward to that, GUMSHOES. I can’t find a preview this early but let me know if you found one! Are y’all still watching? I still have hope for this show, honestly, I really do. Do you ever mean to open a new window and instead select “About Safari”? Have you seen Grandma? It was so good! I think Heather is gonna write a thing about it. Anyhow, goodnight!
