Cut to a photo shoot headed up by Lauren and starring the ladies of Blue Oasis In Hester Hoover Dam High.
Lauren kicks Lisbeth out of the photo shoot because she doesn’t like her duckface and Lauren is mean.
Then Shane spots the group across the way and acquires a devious facial expression. Elsewhere on this pristine campus, Amy and Liam almost run into each other but then don’t and it’s super awk.
Then Amy runs into my new girlfriend Oliver, who says he heard a rumor that Amy and Karma broke up and even though Amy doesn’t wanna peg Oliver’s pony, she definitely needs a friend.
Oliver: “I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on. I’ve got two of those, you know, if one gets too damp.”
Amy: “I do seem to have a lot of lunches free all of a sudden.”
Oliver: “I lunch!”
Oliver and Amy are gonna eat millet together.
Speaking of lunch, Shane has kidnapped/adopted The L Words, aka Lisbeth and Leila, and is giving them special milkshakes and other refined sugars in exchange for dishing some dirt on their fascist dictator Lauren Whooziwhatszit.
Unfortunately the ladies offer up tiny morsels of information that would probably make Abby Whelan roll her eyes:
Leila:Â “She chews her pens.”
Lisbeth: “And she says she has her period like every other week.”
Leila: “She sneezed in my face once and didn’t even apologize.”
Shane presses: he needs a scandal! Then Lisbeth is like oh yeah she totally pops pills also, so.
Elsewhere in this wild world of ours, Karma is tracking down Vashti to set the record “straight” ’cause people are getting the wrong idea about their breakup!
Karma: “Our breakup wasn’t Liam Booker’s fault.”
Vashti: “Really? My sources say otherwise.”
Vashti holds up a snapshot of Liam and Amy sort of touching each other while trying to get out of one another’s way. This is like when Jenny took a video on her iPhone of Kelly cleaning up Bette’s floor and then said it was Kelly diving into Bette’s muff. BUT IT WASN’T. Bette would never cheat on Tina (again)!
Vashti says that love triangles always topple over, just like houses of cards and Jenga in general.
Vashti: “You’re being really brave. Anything you want to share with our readers?”
Karma: “It’s been really hard dealing with Amy’s sex addiction!!”
Oh jeez. Why bring that up when all anybody really wants to talk about is this:
Snap to the special friends park bench where Amy and Karma are discussing Karma’s latest fuck-up: telling Vashti that Amy is a sex addict. Karma insists that it was well-intentioned because that’s what Katy Perry and Russell Brand said when they broke up. Really any time Katy Perry or Russell Brand are involved in your reason for why you did a thing, you should probably just dive head-first into a cement mixer.
Karma’s livid about the picture of Amy and Liam “groping” each other in the courtyard. This is good news ’cause now I know that I should call that area of the school “the courtyard.” I really wasn’t sure.
Amy: “What? No. That’s not at all what it looked like.”
Karma: “Really? Because it looked like a repeat of that kiss from the threesome that you sure seemed to enjoy.”
Amy: “You are jealous!”
Karma: “It looks like I had a right to be.”
Reality hits Amy, and it hits her hard and fast.
Amy: “This was all about Liam and it always has been.”
Karma: “Well, you know how much I like him.”
Amy: “How could I not? He’s all you ever talk about. You’re like a horny parrot. Liam Booker Liam Booker Liam Booker.”
Karma: “Fine, maybe I overreacted.”
Amy: “No, you’ve made yourself perfectly clear. I know what role you want me to play, and I am sick of playing it. I think we should break up. FOR REAL.”
Alas, the devastating fall from the precious glimmering possibility of Wishful Thinking to the dark, bottomless, worse-than-imagined pits of despair known as The Cold Hard Truth.
Elsewhere in this wide wide world, Lauren’s hanging out with some girls who are talking about Liam when Shane busts up the coffee talk to alert them to his Brand New Scandal, Laurengate.
Lauren says she doesn’t have anything to hide and is an open book. But Shane disagrees and is like, Oh Yeah? Well, WHAT ABOUT THE PILLS YOU TAKE ALL THE TIME? This is when Lauren should say “what, my doctor recommended I take extra Vitamin C,” but instead she acts like a total sketchball.
But before we can close out this storyline, Principal Penelope Deliah Fisher pops up on everybody’s Fake Google Tablets and Fake Google Phones with the day’s announcements.
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Principal Penelope Deliah Fisher has important news to share, but since this school is totally fucking weird, the first order of business is a special statement from Karma regarding her breakup with Amy.
Karma: “I was the one who invited Liam into a threesome with me and Amy. Why, I don’t know. What can I say, I’m confused.”
Karma: “I don’t know what I want, all I know is that I don’t wanna hurt a guy who’s truly great, and I don’t want to lose Amy, the person in this world who means the most to me. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to hurt any of you.”
Amy is watching along with the rest of the student body and apparently hears something in Karma’s lament that inspires her to run across campus and into the library to see her lady-love filming her announcement on-air.
The girls embrace on camera and tenderly touch each other’s hair and the entire school goes insane with glee and happiness.
Well not EVERYONE goes insane with glee and happiness — Oliver looks sad and Liam hits things with a hammer.
Seriously everybody at this school is off their rocker.
Amy looks maybe as happy as she has looked all season, even though Karma is once again wearing a really weird shirt that I don’t understand, maybe because I am a dinosaur who only wears things sold in my own merch store.
Back on the splendorous lawn of Blue Oasis High School, Amy and Karma are sitting atop a blanket as the entirely batshit student body cheers for them to kiss. Amy’s clearly glowing and happy and eager to feel Karma’s lips on her lips, but when she goes for it, Karma barely pecks her in return, and then sharply pulls away.
Amy doesn’t seem to register the withheld affection, though, diving right back into chipper chatter:
Amy: “So, what do celebrities do when they’ve gotten back together? Vacation in Cabo, record a duet? Oh I know! Matching tattoos!”
Karma: “Look, I meant it when I said that this was all my fault, I never should’ve dragged you into this disaster and I’ve been the worst friend possible. Which is why I think we should still break up. We’ll tell everyone in a few weeks when this all dies down. I know that means you’ll have to keep pretending a little longer, but I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
Ouch. And then Karma kisses Amy on the cheek, leaving her alone and empty on a blanket on the grass.
Obviously Karma’s running to Liam’s House of Payne, where he’s hiding in a lightbox painting things on the floor or maybe building a house or a baby mobile or a time machine, it’s hard to say exactly.
Karma tells Liam that she wants to fix this thing and be friends. Liam says that he has enough friends, but Karma says she felt like they connected genuinely and bla bla.
Liam’s not having it, though:
Liam: “The whole school sees me as a selfish manipulative asshole!”
Karma: “Not anymore, I made sure of it, nobody thinks that you’re the reason we broke up.”
Liam reveals his true desires:
Liam: “But that’s the point. I wanted to be.”
Karma: “What?”
Liam: “Look, I know that coming between you and Amy is wrong, but I can’t help it. I’ve never felt this way before.”
Karma: “What are you saying?”
Liam: “I think I’m falling for you.”
Karma: “Then let me catch you.”
Barf.
Karma tells Liam that she and Amy are dunezo for real and are just best best friends. Then they take off their clothes and probs are about to have sex or something, I don’t know, how did he make his white box turn into a filmscape is what I wanna know.
Next week is the Faking It finale! I’ve already seen it but I won’t tell you about it! Well, I can tell you that Farrah and Bruce’s wedding will happen and also other things will happen with people and characters and gosh I just really hope this show gets renewed so that it doesn’t actually end next week.
