Welcome to the fifth recap of the first season of Faking It, a family game show from the network that brought you Celebrity Rap Superstar and A Double Shot At Love With The Ikki Twins. Obviously this recap is AN ENTIRE WEEK LATE. This is because I was at A-Camp last week and my plan to finish the recap at A-Camp was foiled by A-Camp internet completely breaking down!

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We open in Amy’s boudoir, where our leading lady is folding clothes and putting them into her dresser in the manner of an extra in the background of a play, when who should show up but… KARMA!

In addition to bringing her nubile bod, Karma’s also brought a re-gifted gift bag full of things that are either terrible, awesome, or terrible/AWESOME: chocolate chip cookie dough, cake frosting and all five Twilight movies on DVD. Karma says they need a “girls’ weekend” ’cause she’s hardly gotten to see her fake girlfriend since they became fake girlfriends and Karma started ramming her tongue down Liam’s enormous facehole.

Unfortunately, Amy’s got plans:

Amy: “It’s my Mom’s lame bridal shower. Save yourself.”
Karma: “From what? Eating crab cakes and making fun of people with my best friend? And I promise no talking about school, lesbians or Liam Booker.”
Amy: Can you handle the withdrawal?”
Karma: “It’s over between us.”
Amy: “We could talk about that.”
Karma: “Nope! I just wanna spend the weekend laughing at your stupid fart jokes.”

To really seal the deal, Karma turns her phone off, which I guess means no kisses for Instagram this episode. Amy trudges downstairs to interact with her mother, who’s dressed like a rich girl in a ’00s MTV reality series about neighborhoods in California and/or B-list celebrities.

Amy notes the room’s similarity to Martha Stewart’s jail cell. Then Lauren pops in, being bitchy to somebody on the phone, and Farrah’s gushing over how fantastic Lauren is at Bridal Shower Planning. Amy is like, “ugh.” It’s okay Amy, this happens to all of us girls who are shitty at being girls. Your next move is to find a really feminine Type A girlfriend who can play the role of feminine Type A daughter your mother always longed for, while earning you personality points by proxy. Personally I never accomplished this, because rather than fitting neatly into a butch or femme box, I simply embody all the negative aspects of both stereotypes. I can’t do your hair or fix your cabinet. Luckily I have a butch girlfriend for the cabinet even though neither of us can figure out what to do with our hair. ANYHOW WHERE WAS I

Anyhow enough about me! Amy’s like, are you fucking kidding me, why is she organizing the bridal shower you terrible monsters??!!!  Farrah says that Amy’s been supes busy scissoring Karma and besides Lauren’s the best No.2 a No.1 could ask for, she even ordered one of these croquembouche monstrosities for the party.

  She read about it in In Style magazine.

Amy: “I’m bringing Karma, she’s staying over.”
Lauren: “You know, I’m not sure it’s appropriate if Amy’s girlfriend stays over for the shower. You know it might make our guests uncomfortable.”
Farrah: “Huh.”
Amy: “What is happening?”
Lauren: “I mean, I wouldn’t be allowed to have a boyfriend stay over, would I? It’s a bit of a double standard.”
Amy: “I met your boyfriend! Clearly you have no standards.”

Just as the true and most severe cost of this charade is clouding the sky over their innocent heads, Farrah blithely approves the sapphic sleepover and also orders Amy and her girlfriend to accompany Lauren on her pilgrimage to Dallas to seize the Fancy Dessert From In Style Magazine.

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Cut to Lauren’s Lovemobile!

The three lovely ladies are caught in Dallas traffic ’cause Amy and Karma needed to stay home ’til they found out whether or not the lady on the teevee box said yes to the dress or not.

Amy: “I know you’re just sucking up to my Mom to make me jealous, and I couldn’t care less.”
Lauren: “Uh, please! I don’t need schemes to make you jealous. Just a mirror.”
Amy: “OKAY! Who wants to play 20 questions? I love 20 questions! What a Game!

Karma begs Amy to chill out, then they play 20 Questions the annoying way where you ask just one yes or no questions and then just start guessing at random. Here’s the takeaway: Amy hates Matthew McConaughey, Bristol Palin and Judi Dench.

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Back in Amazing Austin, Texas, Liam calls Shane to see if he’s up for a “hunting trip.” Don’t worry, they aren’t going to run into the woods and kill bunnies like a pair of wild stallions, they’re going to “hunt” other humans in a love game mating ritual.

Shane: “I’m down for everything except for that place with the mechanical bull. I’m not allowed back.”

Yeah, totally we all remember that time at Autostraddle’s Rodeo Disco 2009 when Shane won a signed Uh Huh Her poster:

Anyhow, they’re gonna go out and get laid.

Liam: “I know. I’m thinking The Twain.”
Shane: “Are you sure? I’m down with going to a straight bar. I find your people’s mating rituals very entertaining.”
Liam: “Yeah, but gay bars are always filled with straight girls fresh off breakups.”

Good news: Liam is still a douchebag. He’s in the mood for some “mind-blowing breakup sex.”

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Back on the road with the troublesome threesome, Karma’s giving Amy a massage in the backseat as Lauren drives, probs thinking about vitamins and headbands.

Lauren: “You two can stop acting like lesbians now okay, I know the truth.”
Amy: “We’re not acting like lesbians, we’re acting like best friends.”

RIGHT OKAY. No, I mean hot damn we have some blurry lines in our lives. I mean let’s be real, it’s not just a thing that happens to gay people; a best friendship between two women can sometimes be just about every aspect of a relationship except the sex.

Lauren: “Please, I was worried you were gonna ask me to crawl back there and join you for a threesome.”
Amy: “Ugh you wish.”
Karma: “Ew.”

I really wanted Karma to be the one who said “ugh, you wish.” Usually that would be a Karma line. IDK clearly it’s time for me to write for this show.

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Back at Twain, Nate’s chatting up a Hot Idiot and Shane’s chatting up her boring pretentious BFF.

Hot Girl: “I think it’s so sweet that your best friend is gay. My ex was SUCH a homophobe.”
Liam: “I don’t really see gay or straight, I just see the person.”

BARF.

Hot Girl: “OHH, that’s so sweet! And look how well your Shane is getting along with my Nate! That’s adorable.”

Not gonna lie, Shane and Nate are not getting along, SHE’S LYING.

Shane: “So what’s your favorite movie?”
Nate: “My favorite films explore the natural destruction caused by 9/11.”
Shane: “You know what I just realized that my parents are getting divorced and I no longer believe in love, please excuse me.”

Before Liam can seal the deal, Shane pops out the ripcord signal.

Liam’s irked, ’cause he was about to Lay Some Pipe with a hot girl, but Shane insists the bar is filled with Tragic Humans who are The Worst. But then twins come in and they get excited because that’s what boys do in movies and on teevee shows when hot twins exist.

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Snap on over to a Dallas dimension where it’s still daylight: The terrific threesome have arrived at the bakery just in time for it to not be open.

Karma says they can just get a different cake, but Lauren says that for the last time, it’s not a cake, it’s a croquembouche, and Kim Kardashian built a castle out of ten billion croquembouches and then had a baby on it and Jennifer Love Hewitt uses it as a douche and Reese Witherspoon made a gingerbread house out of it and then ate it and then put it in her hair and wore it to an awards show with lots of sugar-high ponies around her and NOTHING BUT A CROQUEMBOUCHE WILL DO, NOTHING WILL BE AS GOOD AS A CROQUEMBOUCHE COULD EVER BE EVER. THE CROQUEMBOUCHE WILL SURVIVE US ALL.

Amy can’t help but laugh, which inspires Lauren to declare:

Lauren: “You are a HORRIBLE PERSON. No wonder your Mom made me her maid of honor.”

Oh shit. Now Amy’s sad FOR REAL.

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We then return to Chez Fawcett, where Farrah’s chatting up some Party Down extras brought in for the big day when Lauren, Amy and Karma arrive with what appears to be a bunch of donut holes smashed together in the shape of an enormous Bugle. Enough about cream puffs, Amy’s got a score to settle:

Amy: “You made Lauren your maid of honor.”
Farrah: “Oh honey, I was gonna tell you. I know how you hate doing these girly things. Lauren loves it!”

Amy insists that very recently, Lauren hated Farrah. Farrah insists that she thought relieving Amy of maid-of-honor’s duty was doing her a favor because have you seen that movie Bridesmaids? That is a lot of work. Plus, Farrah wants Lauren to feel like a “member of the family.” Lauren fetches Farrah, leaving Karmy alone with a Tower of Krispy Kreme Power and a sad, sad Amy.

Amy: “Lauren may have won this battle, but I will win this war.”

Karma tells Amy to simmer down lest this play out like when that guy stole that thing and they toilet-papered his house only to learn it was in foreclosure. Plus, Lauren’s not really the problem, says Karma, it’s Farrah’s inability to convince the audience that she’s actually Amy’s mother in the first place!

Amy: “What would I do without you?”
Karma: “Lucky for you, we never have to find out.”

Then Lauren comes in to tell them to get a room so she can put a white chair with ribbon on it on the floor. Girls are weird.

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Back at Twain, Shane and Liam are hitting on the twins, but the twins basically just wanna talk about how the other twin is super perfect and amazing and well-read with great faces, strong hair and nice birthing thighs.

When Shane leans down to pick up a gram of heroin he dropped on the floor (jk I forget what he dropped on the floor, don’t worry, this isn’t Degrassi After Dark), he notices that Petra and Peter are um, holding hands. Shane desperately ripcords towards Liam, who doesn’t respond because last night I sucked his brains out of his skull with a straw and replaced it with a jello mold.

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Back At the Big Bridal Party Afternoon Celebration of Love, Amy’s wearing dress and Lauren’s leading a trivia game of some kind related to how little Farrah’s new hubbie has been paying attention to what kind of chili she likes to eat.

A question about Farrah’s favorite meal turns into Lauren and Farrah relaying an anecdote about that HILARIOUS time they went to Luke’s and Dumb ‘Ol Dad ordered PASTA WITH BUTTER!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! That’s a very popular dish amongst toddlers, BTW. I worked at The Olive Garden so I’m very up on these things in general.

Amy is clearly bothered by this news, however, probs due to her affection for unlimited Soup & Salad. Then uh, Amy drops her glass on the floor. Oops.

Amy: (incredulous) “I just got so excited you went to Luke’s. It’s my favorite restaurant. What did everybody order?”
Karma:” Okay, we’re just gonna get a broom real fast and clean that up!”

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Back at Twain: The Afternoon, Liam and Shane are still stuck in a flirtation situation with The Peppermint Twins. Specifically, Peter’s sharing cell phone pics from previous Halloweens.

Peter: “This is Halloween 2010. Petra is Harry Potter from the books, and I’m Harry Potter from the movies.”
Shane: “Wow, looks like even more fun than Halloween 2009!”
Peter: “Nothing was more fun than Halloween 2009.”

Hark! Shane spots some cops across the crowded room, checking IDs and making sure everybody’s wearing three items of appropriately gendered attire. Shane seizes this potentially legally uncomfortable moment to bust this pop stand, but Liam puts up a fight — he was eagerly anticipating a fantastic evening dressing up like Petra and Doing The Wild Donkey Dance with Petra’s hair.

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Back at The Bridal Shower, Amy’s given her Mom a mix CD of all the songs they used to listen to on car rides! I hope the Indigo Girls are in there and also “On the Road Again” and maybe “Same Love.” Before Farrah can effectively gush over this thoughtful gift, Lauren butts in to remind her that they’re running eight minutes behind schedule.

Amy wants to strangle Lauren in a non-sexual way but Karma assures Amy that in merely one hour, they’ll be blissfully hate-watching Twilight and that she shouldn’t stress over whateverthefuck Lauren’s got in her box for Farrah. But even the promise of seven hours of Kristen Stewart isn’t enough to quell the fire in Amy’s gut. Anyhow, Lauren got her mom some comb with jewels on it. What is this, Downton Abbey?

Lauren: “It’s something old, so now you just need to find something new.”
Farrah: “Aw, you’re my something new!”

BARF. Amy starts slow-capping and Karma, realizing she has no control over this situation anymore, declares “Here we go!”

Amy: “Wow, Lauren. Bravo. What a touching speech. Oscar-worthy, really.”
Farrah: “Amy, what are you doing?”
Amy: “This has gone on long enough mother, there’s something you need to know. Something you ALL need to know. What you just saw is an act.”
Karma: “Sweetums, can I just see you in the kitchen?”
Amy: “Lauren is not the doting stepdaughter to be she wants you to think she is. She hates my Mom. She did all of this to get to me. She’s a sociopath.”
Lauren: “I am not! She’s the crazy one.”

Then Amy starts rambling about ALLLLL the fancy things that Lauren put into this phony shower, like lovely decorations and a giant phallus made of corn syrup, sugar and flour, and how it’s all a big cover-up for Lauren’s actual hatred for Farrah and desire to ruin Amy’s life. This is like that time that Joey Potter got drunk and yelled at everybody except Amy’s not drunk.

For Amy’s grand finale, she snatches a hole from the cake situation and thus, the whole thing comes crashing down like Jenga. Then Amy and Lauren start throwing food at each other’s faces but not in a sexy way and Karma tries to pull Amy away and Farrah tries to intervene and ends up with cake in her face and then everybody is sent to their rooms.

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In the bathroom, the ladies have decided to try and get cake out of their hair with paper towels, which isn’t working because you can’t get cake out of your hair with paper towels. Lauren’s a genius:

Lauren: “This isn’t gonna come out of my hair til I shower.”
Amy: “That’s what she said.”

Amy is also a genius.

Lauren says that although she hated Farrah at first, now she loves her, ’cause they have so much in common, like yogilates, and that Farrah’s her best best friend in this terrible town! HER BEST FRIEND HOW DARE YOU.

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Amy’s back in her room with Karma when Farrah comes in, obviously upset, and tells Karma she has to go home. Then she asks Amy if she’s just trying to get revenge on her for having a hard time with Amy being a lesbian.

Then she says this, which is awful but also a thing lots of moms feel towards their teenage daughters and maybe pointing it out is just sort of mean, especially when your daughter has just come out:

Farrah: “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

You guys one day Amy is gonna be so relieved that she already came out.

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Elsewhere in this charming village, Shane’s chewing Liam out for risking their spotless criminal records in favor of his relentless pursuit of tail. Liam admits his relentless pursuit of tail was inspired by his relentless crush on this special lady who’s ignoring him even though she’s all he can think about. At first Shane teases him for having real feelings and then when Liam mentions that this Mystery Gal has a girlfriend, Shane knows the score.

Shane: “I knew Karma had a crush on you, but I didn’t know it had gotten that far. This is bad.”
Liam: “They have an open relationship, it’s fine!”
Shane: “Really? So if Amy knew about this you honestly think she’d be okay with it? I don’t get it, you never hook up with girls with boyfriends? Why would a girl with a girlfriend be any different?”

THANK YOU SHANE.

Liam: “That must be why it felt wrong. I have too much integrity.”
Shane: “Uh-huh, which is why you should end this.”
Liam: “Good call, thank you.”

Damn.

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Back in Lauren’s bedroom, Lauren’s berating herself for ruining girl’s weekend, but Karma says she still had fun!

Amy: “Yeah, what was more fun? The five hours of traffic or hand-scrubbing cream puffs out of the rug.”
Karma: “I always have fun with you.”

Um, “hand-scrubbing cream puffs out of the rug” is code for “having lesbian sex,” right? Because if it isn’t, it should be.

Karma says Farrah’s a dumbnut for not making Amy her maid of honor and that when Karma gets married, Amy will be her maid of honor and vice versa!

Karma: “And then we’ll get houses next door to each other and we’ll grow old together, and when we’re old ladies in our rockers will be like remember that broken bouche.”
Amy: “Maybe we should just marry each other. My mom would love that.”
Karma: “Who cares what your mom thinks? I’m your family.”
Amy: “I know. I’m so lucky.”

They hug and Amy is like, you’re DYING to talk about Liam, aren’t ya? And she is, so then she starts talking about Liam and how they were hooking up but then he pulled away and she thinks it’s probs ’cause he’s not attracted to her anymore.

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Karma’s walking back to her house when who should be standing there but Bryan Krakow!?!?! I mean Liam Booker. Liam’s there to tell Karma that he has feelings but Karma tells him it’s okay if he’s not attracted to her, he can totally just go out into the world and be free.

Liam: “Karma!”
Karma: “I said be free!”
Liam: “Karma you’ve got this all wrong.”
Karma: “I do?”
Liam: “Of course I’m attracted to you. How could I not be?”
Karma: “I do have one leg that’s shorter than the other.”

Liam: “It’s Amy.”
Karma: “Amy? Oh, right Amy, my girlfriend.”
Liam: “Look, maybe you two are okay with this sneaking around thing but I’m not. I tried to be, but it’s just not who I am.”
Karma: “I understand.”
Liam: “I wish there was a way that we could do this. Trust me.”

Karma starts walking away, and then she comes up with a terrible idea that won’t solve anybody’s problems: “We could have a threesome?”

I GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT

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