Dr. Bronner’s is the organic body care brand usually marketed in a grocery store’s natural product aisle or in a boutique displayed prominently on a wooden plank. Chances are if you’ve taken a shower at a queer person’s house before, you’ve come across a giant Dr. Bronner’s liquid castile soap container, but maybe you’ve never picked it up and inspected it closely enough to realize it’s full of very fine print revealing a manifesto of sorts. An unchecked, megalomaniacal manifesto about worldly truths and the powers of man despite his enemies that reads like you’re in some sort of lucid dream.
Does that sound familiar to a particular twitter account you might have come across? One that hasn’t been deleted despite established presidential precedents? Ringing a bell?
Join me then for a game of: Donald Trump Quote or Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap Quote?
1. “Full-employment free economy money.”
2. “If I’m not for me, who am I? Nobody!”
3. “NO DEALS, NO LOANS, NO NOTHING!”
4. “I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created.”
5. “Show me someone without an ego and I’ll show you a loser.”
6. “It is an absolute full truth that the 1st law of God’s tremendous universe is order!”
7. “When somebody challenges you unfairly, fight back — be brutal, be tough — don’t take it. It is always important to WIN!”
8. “For when brick & steel & stone are gone, & flesh & blood are dust, the full truth we print-protect-&-teach, full truth grows up & on!”
9. “For many years our country has been divided, angry and untrusting. Many say it will never change, the hatred is too deep. IT WILL CHANGE!!!!”
10. “All-One!! All-One!!! Exceptions? None!!!”
11. “We Win Free Speech OK!”
12. “If not now, when???!!!”
13. “We must keep ‘evil’ out of our country!”
14. “Bing bing, bong bong, bing bing bing.”
15. “Warning! Don’t drink soap!”
16. “Drain the swamp!”
17. “Dilute! Dilute! Ok!”
18. “For with Bomb & Gun were All-One or None!”
19. “If you can keep your head, when all about you are losing theirs & blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, or being lied about, but don’t deal in lies, or being hated, don’t give way to hating!”
20. “Happy Veterans Day to ALL, in particular to the haters and losers who have no idea how lucky they are!!!”
21. “One of they key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”
22. “The trouble with the world is that the wrong people are always the most energetic, united & intense while the hardworking people work scattered, divided, less intense!”
23. “Free to build, protect & share! Free to grow, develop & expand.”
24. “The Army of Principles by American’s founding father, steel-bridge builder Thomas Paine, suppressed 1799-1999: Fellow Americans, spread the revolution! Fellow citizens of all nations, remember: An army of principles can penetrate where an army of soldier cannot!”
25. “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!”
26. “Getting ready to deliver a VERY IMPORTANT DECISION.”
27. “Battery-banks powering every car-factory-farm-home-monorail.”
28. “Something very important, and indeed society changing, may come out of the Ebola epidemic that will be a very good thing: NO SHAKING HANDS!”
29. “No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses – one vaccine at a time, over time.”
30. “Once more, unless constructive I work hard, perfecting first me, absolutely nothing can help perfect me!”
31. “…China bikes, C02 instant fire bombers, Easter Isle, UMT, Essenes, Finn jail, free-speech-embassy.”
32. “Too much Monsanto in the corn creates issues in the brain?”
33. “To fight for the right without question or pause, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause.”
34. “…I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”
35. “If you can bear to hear the full truth that you have spoken, twisted by crooks to make a trap for fools.”
Donald Trump Quote: 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 13, 14, 16, 20, 21, 25, 26, 28, 29, 32, 34
Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap Quote: 1, 2, 6, 8, 10, 11, 12, 15, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, 24, 27, 30, 31, 33, 35
Whoever came up with this article idea is an absolute genius (and if it wasn’t you Erin well you’re also a genius for writing it!)
This has reminded me however that I only have about 1/3 left of my last bottle of Dr Bronner’s, which I can’t seem to find here in Spain presumably since it’s the birthplace of Castille soap so they stock local brands which is great but….I need peppermint Dr Bronner’s in my life! Pls send reinforcements :)
theyre onliiiine
Their website doesn’t let you order worldwide but this article has just inspired me to go on a web hunt and I may have just found the answer to my prayers.
THANKS ERIN <3
Damn, number 35 should’ve been t***p’s campaign slogan.
and 22 was what inspired thisss
this is fucking brilliant
ty for being a friend
19 is Autostraddle quoting Bronner quoting Kipling. I always enjoyed Bronner’s weird rewrites of little bits of famous literature, but this particular paragraph doesn’t look tampered with.
I remember reading the back of Bronner’s at the grocery store because I’d heard about it but never tried it. I put the bottle back after reading a few lines because “Nope, don’t feel like joining a soap cult.”
Well done, Erin.
why won’t you join us on SPACESHIP EARTH
But it really is the best soap.
The greatest thing about Dr. Bronner’s (after the awesome soap) is the opportunity to read absolute crazy stuff that is completely benign–unlike the ramblings of the Orange One.
This kind of feels in bad taste to me. Didn’t Bronner struggle with mental illness? And to my understanding his parents died in the Holocaust, and the original family soap company was taken over by Nazi’s. So. This doesn’t quiet feel right.
Close! Everything you said was right, which is sad, except his family is still controlling the company and keeps the labels as much the same as possible. He tried to get his parents to emigrate with him but they didn’t and were killed in the holocaust. How very sad. I don’t know if he was mentally ill or not, I didn’t see much about it. I guess after being arrested for speaking without a permit he was put into a mental hospital and given shock treatment, but back then they did that a lot with folks, mentally ill or not.
This was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Score: 27/35.
As a European totally unaware of Dr Bronner, I read the first few lines and thought “it must be a trick question, I bet ALL OF THESE are Trump’s”.
Alternative theory: Trump is Dr Bronner ?
Erin I love this and also read most of the bottle in Riese’s bathtub two weekends ago!
Plz tell us more about Riese’s bathtub.
I swear I mean this in a non-creepy way!
it’s an olympic-sized swimming pool for the mini-olympics
this is the mind-set of a champion.
For the good of the world, the good of all business and markets, and religion, and generally all mankind, Congress needs to take away Trump’s twitter privileges.
America has elected it’s own worse enemy.
erin you were created to write this
Isn’t #33 a lyric from the ‘Man of La Mancha’ musical? This soap is lying to you, Erin.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGzqbEeVWhs
I think numbers 19, 33, and 35 are all derived from Kipling’s poem “If,” which probs also inspired Man of LaMancha. What a great list!
Thanks for the info!
“Chances are if you’ve taken a shower at a queer person’s house before, you’ve come across a giant Dr. Bronner’s liquid castile soap container”
I feel so seen.
Truer words were never spoken.
I have no less than three bottles arranged around my bathing space at this very moment.
Yes, yes I would prefer to see a bottle of soap as President.
This was harder than the SAT! I LOVED IT.
We’d be better off with a soap bottle in charge of us.
32/35. I know my Bronner’s.
So can we deduce that somebody washed Trump’s mouth out with the wrong kind of soap?
ded
I would like to say that Dr. Bronner’s soap is one of the more ethically run businesses in the world. The CEO, according to the constitution of the company, cannot ever make more than five times the lowest paid worker, they have no advertising budget and instead help start and fund independent organic cooperatives to supply them their organic components, and they are actually transparent in their labelling and are 100% organic. Comparing Bronner’s soap to Trump, while funny because of the crazy beliefs of the founder, is completely wrong!
Agreed. This comparison feels wrong.
Very interesting reading. Neither sound as though all their ducks are in a row but Dr Bonner, seems to be a much more decent human being.
I get that Dr. Bronner’s soap ramblings are bonkers, and it’s always fun to point out that the loofah-faced shitgibbon has some sort of hideous complement of cognitive impairments (well, fun before the weeping sets in), buuuuuuuuuut c’mon guys, Dr. Bronner was such a sweetheart! Kind of the anti-shitgibbon in a LOT of ways. He was a Jew who fled Germany and begged his parents to emigrate with him to escape Hitler. The last contact he had with his parents was a censored postcard that read “You were right–your loving father.” Then his parents died in the Holocaust. In response, Bronner created his delightfully hippy-dippy philosophy of all people uniting as one with mutual respect, love, and protection of the environment. And selling soap on the side. :) Yeah, you can mock the syntax, but let’s give it up for the semantics.
This is stupid. You all went to bat for a serial murderer married to a serial rapist, or a psychotic, philandering communist.
Look here- This is absolutely tragic. MSM programmed you. You may not realize it, but western civilization (our only safe space) is under attack by the globalists. The globalists support islam. Islam is Sharia. Sharia is FGM, beheading Gays, Acid in women’s faces, and child rape. I’m not talking rad islam, just islam. FYI; “Taqiyya” is islamic order to LIE to the infidel (you). Now; the ONLY candidate who was NOT supported by globalists is Trump. The globalists have been working on this for over 100 years. The plan is to make us a cashless, defenseless slave society with minds like teletubbies. George Soros is one of the biggies here- he owns damned near everybody. Don’t take my word for it, research him yourself. While your at it, pull up any youtube video of Brigette Gabriel. Sisters, Trump is the only friend we have. Hillary & Co. want SHARIA HERE! WTF do I have to gain by lying to you? It kills me to see you swallow the lie. You’re better than this.