Are you like me? Are you fed up watching celebrities, politicians and socially awkward computer nerds live a life of luxury while you’re home alone in cat-hair-covered sweatpants, trying to convince yourself that no-brand pasta sauce on rice cakes is kinda like bruschetta? Are you jealous of rich people with their designer clothes and private jets and apparent god-like powers to magically shrink everything from dogs to cupcakes to their own noses? Are you tired of feeling poor and left out and like you love your cat so much that you wish you could get real small and have fur and lie next to it and lick it on the head right between its cute widdle pointy widdle ears? That’s exactly how I feel.

Don’t despair, friends. I’ve got a few tips that will transform your ordinary life into a life of extravagance and luxury. (I can’t help you with that cat fantasy, though.) As an internationally-acclaimed, world traveling comedian (borderline unemployed vagrant), I know a thing or two about how to live the sweet life on a budget.

Let’s start with fashion. There are lots of ways to get the hip look you crave without shelling out big money. Only spoiled, unimaginative brats pay $250 for designer ripped jeans. If you’re willing to think outside the box, you can get them for next to nothing. How? Find a guy in designer ripped jeans and steal his pants. Easy! If you’re lucky, you might get punched in the mouth. Celebrities spend big chunks of cash enhancing their lips with surgery, injections and pacts with the Devil. Now, not only do you have new jeans, you also have that plumped up, kiss-me-quick-before-my-lips-explode look as a bonus! Sexy.

If you have to spend money on clothes, shop wisely. The French fashion house Hermès may sell $14,000 bags, but they also sell $200 hair pins. A quick tag switch and you’ve just saved $13,800. Lest you think this unethical, consider these two points: One, some trust fund socialite will buy a $14,000 hair pin without batting an eye, and two, you’ve just stolen a dude’s pants. Is pulling a harmless prank on an overpriced luxury goods retailer really where you’re going to draw the line? I didn’t think so.

Rich people throw fancy-ass parties full of expensive foods like caviar and champagne. Such luxuries are easy to simulate. Caviar, as far as I can tell, is just tiny black blobs. (I’ve never actually seen caviar in real life; I’m basing this on the scene in “Big” when Tom Hanks is as that party with the big buffet.) It’s easy to make tiny black blobs! Cut up some jelly beans or spray paint some ball bearings. No one will know the difference! And champagne? That’s nothing more than bubbly wine! Get some wine, get some sparkling water, mix them together, and voilà.

Using French is also a great way to feel flashy in your everyday life. Bonjour! Je suis la poulet! Je ne sais pas! Simone-Lucie-Ernestine-Marie Bertrand de Beauvoir!

No matter how well you’re economizing, there will be times when you have to spend money on something that doesn’t seem luxurious. If that’s the case, the right attitude can transform an everyday situation into a swank experience. I recently went to the dentist. Sure, I could have gotten grumbly, walking out of there feeling like I wasted good money I could have better spent on, say, food or rent. The way I like to think of it, however, I strolled into the dentist’s office and got top notch service, thanks to my celebrity status. I left the office with a complimentary cleaning, a complimentary check up, complimentary x-rays, and a complimentary moulded mouth guard. All free. Also, while I was there, I chose to pick up a $500 toothbrush. Who do you know that has a $500 toothbrush? I’ll tell you who: Oprah and no one. And now me.

Another great way to live a life of luxury is to indulge in a day spa. If you can’t afford a full day of treatments, you can recreate sumptuous self-indulgence at home. Do you have a sink and a pile of dirt? Of course you do. Add water, and you’ve got yourself a magnificent mineral-rich mud bath. Your life just went from “eh” to “eh-mazing!”

Remember, as you’re cramming yourself into a muddy sink, sipping on watered-down wine, nursing the fat lip you got from a scrap with some pantsless man, there’s absolutely no reason to feel down. Are you crying? That’s okay! Let it out. Tears are wonderfully moisturizing, one of the best-kept secrets of the facial treatment trade. Tears not only hydrate your face, they give you the red-eye look so many jet-setting celebrities tote these days. And you didn’t have to spend thousands of dollars or go to some overpriced exotic location to get it! So what if you don’t have the four-to-five-figure income that everyone around you seems to have achieved so effortlessly? You have something else. You have insider knowledge on how to squeeze the most luxury out of life. And that, my little salted caramel macchiato bon bons*, is priceless.

What are some of your tricks for living a luxurious life?

*probably super expensive

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