Why can’t I move past my partner not being “much of a reader”!?

Q

I’m dating someone I really like on every level except for one thing: she says she’s “never been much of a reader.” She’s a very quirky person in so many ways that I find delightful, and she loves movies. But the only books she has read in the past several years are Untamed by Glennon Doyle, Little Fires Everywhere and Michelle Obama’s memoir. I read at least one book a week, love going to readings, listen to books when I drive, love bookstores, and everything. Like with anyone we have many differences, she doesn’t use social media and isn’t a rabid fan of lesbian pop culture like I am, but I find those differences charming. This one, the books, though, I can’t seem to move past. Is her not reading books a stupid reason to not pursue this when everything else about her and us is so great? (Especially the sex. The sex is fantastic.)

A

Em: My initial response was to suggest you focus on the other wonderful things about her, like you mentioned. However, it’s clear you’ve tried this and the reading piece just won’t seem to leave you alone. What *specifically* is it about her lack of interest in reading that really bothers you? Do you want a partner who can discuss new reads with you every week? Do you want someone who challenges you intellectually? Do you associate a “non-reader” with certain stereotypes? Follow these questions to their root and then work up from there. You may be surprised by beliefs or preferences you didn’t know you kept. Once you can really understand what bothers you, you can find other ways to incorporate those needs elsewhere or take action in the relationship as you see fit.

Summer: Hah, I’m the ‘never been much of a reader’ in the relationship and my girlfriend has an English degree. I write for a living and I’m still not much of a reader. What I can tell you is that split in interests can definitely work just fine, since I don’t think ‘reading’ is an activity that needs to be shared by everyone in a relationship.

However, if you feel so strongly about the topic, then you’re allowed to break things off. I have some activities that I always share with partners and would struggle without that connection (video/tabletop games). I wouldn’t say this is a dealbreaker in the hard sense, but this is clearly something important to you that you’ll have to weigh up. Most importantly, I think you should ask yourself what benefits and virtues you ascribe to reading that make it so important that you’d consider ending a relationship because they don’t share in it? Is it just about having a shared interest, or does it relate to how you view people and potential partners?

Riese: As a person who’s been in ten billion long term relationships, I can say that each one had places where we intersected and places we didn’t, and you’re never gonna find everything in one person! I think that’s a-ok. My first girlfriend was a writer and a voracious reader, and I loved bonding over that shared passion for literature and bookstores! But she didn’t watch TV and rarely saw movies, so we couldn’t bond over those things, and TV is also a huge part of my life. One of my longest relationships was with someone who only read books occasionally — but they were always down to hop on a bandwagon (e..g, The Hunger Games trilogy) upon request, and they were very on top of the queer and feminist blogosphere and online longform journalism that I loved too, so we could bond over those things. You’re not ever gonna find someone who shares your exact interests at the exact levels you have for them. That’s a good thing! Because your partner can expose you to new things, or enhance interests you previously had only barely tapped into. She did read three books — and I suspect she did so because someone recommended them to her. I bet if you were reading something you really wanted to talk to her about, she would read it. I talk to my girlfriend about some of the books we both like and I have different friends I talk to about different other genres of books, and it’s great, I find it enhances all of those friendships, you know? Your partner doesn’t have to be everything, if anything having these other interests that are only shared by friends is an extra impetus to ensure you keep your friendships thriving no matter how intense it gets with your partner.

Kayla: The only red flag for me would be if she somehow were to impede your ability to read books or dismissed your love of books, but that isn’t happening! Her disinterest in reading doesn’t have any tangible impact on your own love of reading, and if it’s meaningful conversations about books that you crave, then I think you can find that through other relationships, like your friendships. I do think it would be short-sighted to not pursue someone you otherwise vibe with for this reason alone. And just because she isn’t a reader doesn’t mean she can’t join you for readings or bookstore outings. I’m a writer myself, and I think it would be difficult for me to date anyone who refused to read MY writing, but outside of that, divergent interests don’t have to be a death knell for a relationship. It’s also true that sometimes people aren’t readers because of various outside factors like adults forcing them to read only CERTAIN things or feeling insecure about their reading tastes (nothing wrong with reading the bestsellers you mentioned she HAS read, by the way!). It’s possible that in dating you, she could realize reading looks different than she previously thought. I’m not saying you should try to CHANGE her, just that sometimes exposure to someone else’s interests can sometimes open up a person’s mind, but that won’t happen if you’re immediately going into this from a judgmental perspective.

Drew: To me, the issue is less whether she is a reader and more whether she’s interested in your reading. I think it’s totally fine — good even! — for people to have different interests than their partners. But the key for me has always been do we express interest in those interests. Does she ask about what you’re reading? Does she enjoy when you talk about books? Those are the real questions, in my opinion. And I agree with Kayla, it’s possible she’ll start reading a bit because I do think passion is infectious. But it just depends! When I first started dating my partner, they had no interest in classic movies and also didn’t like super gross or intense horror. They now love classic movies, but still don’t do certain horror. They will, however, let me describe in detail a gross movie I saw. So whether or not reading is a passion she will grow to share or not is secondary to whether or not she expresses interest in YOU. Does she have interests that are different from yours? Try caring about those and seeing what new passions YOU can find.

My partner’s new friend is EXHAUSTING. How do I navigate this?

Q.

My partner has started a new hobby in the last few years, and has met some new friends. I think this is great! I am writing for advice, though, on how to navigate being a supportive, friendly partner when they have a new friend – who they are getting really close to – who just gets. on. your. nerves!! Please!

With this situation, it had just worked out that, early on in the friendship, I wasn’t involved in hangs – their hobby is niche, and I was out, timing was off, that kind of thing. Recently, my partner has asked me to be a little more involved, as they like this person and want us to all hang out whenever it could work. I have met this friend in passing (like going to shows at the same time, a drink or two here and there) and honestly, she seems fine… but just really not my kind of person. She dominates conversations – even over the top of her girlfriend! – is very loud, and just generally doesn’t understand social cues in conversation. BUT my partner asked me to come and get to know her more, so we organised a dinner and a show. When I say she was a lot, believe me, I am not exaggerating.

She was drinking, and with another friend, so I suppose contextually it all made sense. She was not offensive, or doing the wrong thing. We got along just fine on the night, and neither of us were rude or argued or anything, so it really isnt a problem… but I was just left at the end of the night with this sense of frustration and exhaustion. I am putting it down to us just not being compatible people, which in any other context, I would just shrug off and get on with my life! But my partner really likes her, and wants this to be a more regular thing. So is this an appropriate time for me to tell my partner that she just gives me the social ick? Or do I just attend some things, and make (most likely valid) excuses to mostly not be involved for other events?

I feel like somehow I am in the wrong here, like if I could be kinder or more tolerant then maybe we could all be better friends. But truly, she did a Borat accent unironically in public, and it just crossed my social line so hard – one that I didn’t even know I had! What do I do here?

A

Em: I have somehow dealt with this in almost every single one of my relationships, so I deeply understand your frustration. It’s so annoying because you like your partner for who they are, so why are they attracting or attracted to people that seem so opposite of what you like! It’s smart to think about the ‘crossed a line’ piece of this. What about the “ick” makes it icky? Start there and be specific. Look at all the examples of the small and big times something bothered you and find a common denominator. Understanding your feelings about this might give you deeper insight to some dynamics under the surface.

No matter how you feel about this friend, I think it’s important to tell your partner how you feel. It doesn’t have to be a blunt statement of “this person sucks” but you can frame it in specific and personal ways. “I felt ____ when she ____ because _____ and I’ve noticed this happens every time we _____.” If that doesn’t work, then just know it’s okay not to like one of your partners friends. It’s just one new friend. Maybe your partner is also just trying to navigate finding who they gel with at this phase in life.

Summer: If this was a friend-of-a-friend, I’d use the good ol’ approach of excusing myself, but this is your partner. I don’t think it pays to lie to our partners over situations like this. Rather, I believe it bears discussing. Your partner’s new friend is impacting your enjoyment of socializing and if it continues, it might even sour your opinion of your partner. I don’t believe that their new friend has done anything wrong, but some people are just socially incompatible with each other.

I think this is a line of discussion you need to open up with your partner. Your approach will depend on what your relationship is like, and how you normally problem-solve. You can open it up gently, like indicating that you don’t get along with their new friend socially but it’s perfectly fine for your partner to keep hanging out. The it’s not you, it’s me approach. If your relationship allows for it, you can just break it to them by saying that this person is exhausting for you to be around and you find your whole experience of socialization soured by their presence. I don’t think there’s a major issue here with some live and let live between you.

Drew: I also think honesty is the move. Or as my friend’s dad used to say: honesty with tact. You don’t need to go on and on about how much you dislike them, but you can be honest that while you’re happy for your partner’s new friendship, you don’t click with this person like they do. If they ask, you can explain why, but I do ultimately think unless truly bad behavior is taking place sometimes we just don’t like someone and it’s not their fault or ours. I don’t think it’s sustainable to make excuses to avoid this person, but it is sustainable for your partner to have friends they see more often without you.

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