20 Simple Survival Tips For The Pretty Little Liars

This handy survival guide was compiled by Riese and Heather.

We’re like ten years and zero winters in to the saga of the Pretty Little Liars, and despite enduring physical and psychological torture to the max every week, these girls still spend most of their time creeping around in the dark by themselves. It is time for someone to sit them down and talk to them about their indefensibly dumb behavior and offer them some advice for staying alive.

Senior year isn’t going to finish itself, Pretty Little Ladies. If you don’t step up your caution game, you’re never going to survive seven to ten more years until graduation. Here are 20 ways you can be better.

1. Stop splitting up

Seriously STOP IT. None of you should ever be alone. Ever. Let’s just run down a quick list of things that have happened when you’ve split up, shall we? Hanna was run under by a car, attacked by a dentist, and almost stabbed to death in the shower. Spencer was nearly: murdered by her brother-in-law in a church, snapped in half by a bear trap in the woods, and rendered completely incapacitated by her boyfriend’s fake dead body. Emily. Good lord. Emily was carjacked by a talking doll! She was nearly sawn in half! She was massaged by Lucas! And Aria was subjected to literally every Ezra awfulness, including the time he sent her on a chickpea run when he already had chickpeas.

2. Abandon solo recon missions

What have any of you ever learned from going on a solo recon mission besides the (perpetual) hard knock lesson that you should not go on solo recon missions? What have you learned on solo recon missions in the forest? Nothing. What have you learned on solo recon missions on boats? Nothing. What have you learned on solo recon missions to cabins or barns? Especially nothing. There’s no excuse for not knowing how to use the Buddy System, dudes. It has its own Wikipedia entry.

3. Get a burner phone

Y’all could all learn a lot from The Wire, including how to make fancy doll furniture for staging the dozens of tiny replicas of yourselves you keep finding all around Pennsylvania. But your main takeaway from The Wire would be: Get some damn burner phones. They make you much less traceable and hackable, and no one working for Rosewood PD has the know-how to get a warrant to track those things. (Also, there may not actually be a judge in Rosewood to issue warrants at all.)

4. Carry pepper spray

Guns are not good news. Ask Caleb. Ask Hanna. Ask Shana. Shovels are also not good news because some days of the week it is apparently illegal to been seen with one. Mannequin legs are hard to come by. Pepper spray, however, is inconspicuous, effective, and comes in a variety of animal print cases for even the most choosiest Aria Montgomery among you.

5. Stop lying to each other!

Alison was right about a lot of things. (Emily, you did like Beyonce a gay amount, for example.) But one thing she was very wrong about is that secrets keep you close. What is true is that secrets get you buried in Victoria Hastings’ hydrangea bushes. You’ve got to tell the truth to each other, at the very least.

6. Develop better poker faces

No, not that. I swear you guys refuse to learn on purpose sometimes.

7. Get a flashlight

One of those heavy-duty seven-pound Maglites. At the very least, you can use it to beat away your more small-boned predators.

8. Install overhead lighting

Here’s a thing I like to do when I enter a dark room: turn on the light. I can do this simply by finding the light switch right outside the door, and switching it on. Then the whole room fills with light! To be fair, I only do this in a few rooms because I’m insane and very specific about lighting, so much so that I put duct tape over light switches to force guests to turn on the floor lamps that I think provide better ambiance. But I’m not being stalked and killed, SO. You girls shouldn’t be stumbling around looking for a lamp to switch on; you need some solid overhead lighting in every room you ever enter.

9. Wear sneakers and other comfortable clothing

Aria Montgomery, how are you still alive? I do not understand. I know you get preyed upon 75 percent less than the average Liar, but even so, it’s a miracle you’re not dead. Would you get a load of your footwear? If you ever hung out with the whole group, you’d be murdered swiftly. In a crisis situation the other Liars would only have to outrun you, and you’re not going anywhere in those wedges.

10. Take self-defense

Kung Fu Jake only has one leg now, thanks probably to Ezra Fitzgerald, but he can’t be the only game in town. Actually, of course he can. You got by on one restaurant for four seasons. But clearly you’ve got a warp zone to all of Pennsylvania and just a quick search engine website page query yields over one million results for “Philadelphia self-defense classes.”

11. Don’t follow other cars at night

Actually, don’t follow other cars at all. In fact, stay away from all cars. Don’t pawn your engagement ring to buy your boyfriend any cars. Don’t just sit there swatting when an entire hive of bees swarms out of the air conditioner in your car. Don’t push cars into lakes. Don’t drive cars off of cliffs. You are terrible with cars. Just don’t cars.

12. Get a home alarm system

And keep the alarm code in your noggin only. Never, ever write it down.

13. Install security cameras everywhere

If you learn one thing from Mr. Fitz, let this be it: Record everything everywhere at all times always.

14. No one is allowed to say “I figured it all out” unless they immediately elaborate

Not even Mona Vanderwaal, apparently. RIP. :saddest emoji of all time:

15. Learn to hide things

A few of your worst hiding ideas, off the top of my head. Hanna, the time you tried to bury a gun in the yard of a frat house during the middle of a party using a pint glass as a shovel. Spencer, under the cushion of the chair in your bedroom. 12 year old boys hide porn better than that. All of you, on your hard drives. Do you understand that you are being stalked by someone who is both omniscient and omnipresent? An invisible demon-ninja probably. Find better shelter for your secret stashes.

16. Don’t go near grown-ass men

I’m going to say some names of grown-ass men to you, ready? Ian Thomas. Garrett Reynolds. Peter Hastings. Darren Wilden. Jason DiLaurentis. Byron Montgomery. Zack Coffeeshop. Are you noticing a pattern here? No, of course you are not. Let me tell you the pattern here: These are some shady motherfuckers who have all tried to exploit you, or have been so careless in their supervision of you that you were nearly axe-murdered on their watch. They are all grown-ass men.

17. Don’t go near grown-ass men to give them evidence

Grown-ass police officers are the worst men to go near in Rosewood. Lookin’ at you, too, Detective Holbrook.

18. Don’t go near grown-ass men to give them your face

Emily, I’m still not over the fact that you thought this was an okay idea.

19. Don’t go near grown-ass men for free dinner

No matter how vegan he claims it is.

20. Act normal, bitch

And only trust Wayne Fields.

If you follow half these tips, you Precious Little Liars, your chances of staying alive will skyrocket. We chastise you because we love you.

Top 10 Black Sitcoms From the ’90s: Remember When There Were More Than Two

The other day I was thinking about all of the black comedies that were on television when I was growing up. To some extent, The WB was built on the backs of these shows. The only line-ups that could contend with NBC’s Must See TV was over on FOX with Living Single, Martin, and New York Undercover. Even TGIF’s block had a black show (Hanging with Mr. Cooper) sidled up to Full House and Step by Step. I never had to think to myself, “where are the people that look like me?” because they were there, in abundance, everywhere I looked. This was a time before there were 300 channels and I had about 7 channels in my rotation. There were even shows like Good Times, 227, The Cosby Show, A Different World, and The Jeffersons in syndication so it was obvious that there had been black people on television for a minute. Then it sort of tapered off. We still had Girlfriends, The Parkers, One on One, The Bernie Mac Show, That’s So Raven, and a couple others. Then there were the few. Then it sort of just stopped. Keep in mind, I’m not that old so these are only 90s shows I legitimately remember watching during their original runs. I mean, my parents were in high school when The Cosby Show started airing so shows from the late 80s that snuck into the early 90s didn’t really make an impact on me because I was either not alive or but a wee babe. I apologize for not being older than I am, it is my greatest strength and weakness.

But back to the point: there were SO MANY. Take a look at this list of shows I didn’t include that you all are going to yell at me for not including: In the House, Malcolm and Eddie, In Living Color, Family Matters, Hanging with Mr. Cooper, The Steve Harvey Show, and The Parent ‘Hood. And that’s still not all of them! On to the list!

10. The Wayans Bros.

1995-1999 The WB

Did you know The Wayans Bros. was the first show The WB ever aired? This was back in the days when if you were a truly successful comedic act, you’d probably end up having a show with your name on it. The brothers were coming off a successful stint on In Living Color and this show helped launch them into a movie career which eventually brought us the Scary Movie franchise and White Chicks. Not to mention all the catchphrases John Whitherspoon as Pops (which is the character he plays in basically everything) gave us. The show capitalized on Shawn’s ability to effectively straight man the over-the-top physical comedy of Marlon and nothing stands the test of time better than good physical comedy.

 9. Kenan and Kel

1996-2000 Nickelodeon

The show was created by Kim Bass who co-created Sister, Sister and starred All That cast members Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell. This was one of the shows meant for kids that I remember my mom also watched; no one could talk about orange soda for years without her breaking into Kel’s orange soda jingle. Thompson is now a cast member on Saturday Night Live.

 8. The Famous Jett Jackson

1998-2001 Disney

I think this show was single-handedly responsible for the uptick in black preteens and teenagers wearing colored contacts because of Lee Thompson Young‘s hazel eyes. He pretty much invented the drop head slightly, raise eyebrows thing that’s come to be a staple in every Disney star’s repertoire. He also raised one eyebrow a lot and this was slightly before I got super into The Rock and “The People’s” everything. The more I think about it, the more I’m concerned my gender identity might be Jett Jackson? He went on to play Detective Frost in our favorite lesbian baity television program, Rizzoli and Isles before his death in 2013.

7. Smart Guy

1997-1999 The WB

T.J. Henderson (played by Tia and Tamera Mowry‘s younger brother, Tahj) was a cute chump of a kid and tiny genius and his sister was a fellow smarty pants and women’s rights activist so what was there not to like? (answer: below) This show was almost immediately airing on Disney Channel after it got canceled so it was a constant presence in my life for about five years. I would like to state for the official record that I was never on board with the Mo and Yvette sexual tension and like to believe she went on to fight the good fight of bisexuality once she got to college.

 6. The Jamie Foxx Show

1996-2001 The WB

I miss a time where a show could spend four minutes just to have a dance-off between two characters. This series was powered by the constant face-offs between Jamie and bougie co-worker Braxton escalating the light skin vs. dark skin battle to levels never before seen in the black community. The show made it damn near socially acceptable to put your hand in someone’s face while making the noise of a braking car. It also made ‘broham’ a thing people said which was great. Jamie Foxx is obviously insanely talented and likable and this show proved it time and time again.

5. Moesha

1996-2001 UPN

This show was huge. They would bring on whomever they damn well pleased regardless of whether they could act or not. Ginuwine! Master P! All of Dru Hill! It also got DARK. There was some real shit that happened on the show. What I remember most was not liking Q and thinking Frank was corny. Let’s all fondly recall the time before Ray-J was a skeezeball.

4. Sister, Sister

1994-1999 ABC and The WB

This show began with a dude agreeing to let two STRANGERS move into his house, let’s never forget that. This show also survived the twins graduating and going to college which was truly a feat. It was, in my opinion, star studded: Marques Houston, Gabrielle Union, Brittany Murphy, Jackée Harry, and everyone’s favorite foreverteen, Bianca Lawson. You couldn’t be in a bad mood while watching Sister, Sister.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5P-Qgfl7Sc

3. Living Single

1993-1998 FOX

Living Single was the original Friends. The Brooklyn sextet showcased young black people in their 20s with a variety of jobs and outlooks on life. It often found Queen Latifah in tank tops as her character Khadijah and Erika Alexander‘s Maxine eating leftovers like a boss. That cast truly seemed to enjoy each other and it had one of the dopest theme songs of all time. I’d like that song to be played at my funeral while all my friends diddy bop, holding back tears.

2. Martin

1992-1997 Fox

This show was IT. It was The Thing. It still continues to be V. Important. “Damn, Gina” has even made a resurgence in popular culture despite that not being a catchphrase? We stuck with this show through everything: the weird cartoon head sequence, the on set controversies, Martin’s weird obsession with “being a man.” This show scarred me as a child because I was very into taekwondo and my family members called me Dragonfly Jones which I thought was mean and cried about publicly on one occasion. Martin Lawrence played many other roles on the show, the most memorable being Jerome and Sheneneh. Other characters worth remembering fondly are Bruh Man and Hustle Man (Tracy Morgan).

1. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

1990-1996 NBC

Has anyone in the history of everdom heard someone say they don’t like this show? It’s the most universally loved show of all time, point blank, period. The first time I came to LA, the only place I wanted to see was Bel-Air. The bungee jump proposal is the funniest most heartbreaking scene of all time. R.I.P. Trevor. Will Smith is our nation’s greatest treasure.

Where The (Queer) Girls Are Gonna Be On Your TV This Year

GLAAD’s annual “Where We Are on TV” and “Network Responsibility Index” reports intend to serve as a barometer for progress in LGBTQ representation on American television, and this year’s reports, as usual, reflect incremental progress in some areas, regression in other areas, and an overall lack of queer women on our teevee screen. The Network Responsibility Index gives ratings to 15 major networks based on the 2013-2014 season, and Where We Are On TV analyzes diversity — gender, sexual orientation, race and ability status — across all scripted television shows, and looks at LGBTQ characters planned for the 2014-2015 season.

I’ve been reading and analyzing these reports for five years now — there’s usually quite a bit to talk about because the reports are so very quantitative and representation is so very qualitative. When last year’s report came out, we talked about how a lack of representation onscreen was likely related to a lack of representation behind the scenes, compared the U.S population of various races, sexual orientations and gender identity to their representation on screen and looked at the quality of that year’s LGBT female characters because quantity didn’t tell the whole (sad) story.

In 2012, Kate wrote about the lack of masculine LGBT women on TV in Why Do Queer Women On Television All Look The Same?. In 2011, the first year any network received an “Excellent Rating” — MTV and ABC Family both snagged one — we talked about the lack of queer people of color. In 2009, we did some supplemental math ourselves to note that only 28 LGBT female characters — some only one-episode guest stars — were cited by GLAAD, as opposed to 86 men.

This year, June Thomas at Slate.com argued that these particular GLAAD Reports are “pointless and outdated” and that “GLAAD’s conclusions are essentially meaningless in the current TV landscape,” citing online streaming and YouTube as major change agents, making it so “it’s just as easy, if not easier, for many viewers to watch shows that are no longer on the air.” She also requests her fellow LGBTs “commit to valuing quality over quantity—“counting the queers” is no way to achieve social justice.”

These are fair points — the numbers never tell a complete story. The system is inherently flawed, too. For example, The L Word was singlehandedly responsible for a surge in lesbian representation for five years, making overall numbers seem progressively high when the majority of Americans weren’t actually being exposed to any more queer women on TV than usual. Last year there was more parity with respect to the gender of queer characters than there is this year, but this year feels a whole lot better than last year for queer women and queer women of color.

Mainstays like Santana on Glee and Callie and Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy existed last year (and still do), but new shows weren’t exactly chomping at the bit to write lesbian storylines. This year we’re seeing a lot more LGBT women front and center. Broadcast networks will feature 32 regular LGBT characters this season, up from last year’s 26, and 33 recurring LGBT characters. Of those 65 characters, 18 are lesbians and 10 are bisexual females. On cable, 105 regular and recurring scripted characters are LGBT, which includes 26 lesbians and 21 bisexual females.

Do the math: that’s 44 lesbian characters and 31 bisexual females compared to 82 gay men and 12 bisexual men. Wild, right? The striking discrepancy between men and women for the ratio of lesbian/gay characters to bisexual characters could be its own GLAAD report, honestly, and it’s something I’ll talk about a little bit in my recap for tomorrow’s episode of Faking It.

Among 813 series regulars on 115 primetime scripted television series on five broadcast networks (ABC, CBS, The CW, Fox and NBC), 32 are LGBT, or 3.9% of the whole. Of these, only 43% were female and 57% were male, and 74% are white. Latino/a characters and black characters each represent 11% of the remainder and 5% are Asian/Pacific Islander. The forecast is slightly brighter on cable, where 64 regular LGBT characters will appear this season, up from 42 last year. Of these, 56% are cis females, 44% are cis males, and 1% is a transgender male. 66% are white, 11% are Latino/a, 10% are black, 8% are multi-racial and 5% are Asian/Pacific Islander.  Streaming networks, where we’re seeing some of the best representation of all time, were mentioned but not analyzed.

The hidden delight of the Where We Are On TV report is, however, that the networks have given GLAAD a shit-ton of information about upcoming characters and storylines! So for this year’s Report on the Report, we’re gonna give you a qualitative look at where you’ll find lady-loving-ladies on television this year.

Disclaimer — No human can possibly be intimately knowledgable about all these shows, but I’ve spent several days researching them the best I could and getting info from other team members about the shows they watch. It’s likely you know more than we do about some of these shows, so feel free to alert me in the comments about anything inaccurate and we’ll make the change!

READY? I DON’T THINK YOU’RE READY.

Returning Regular Lesbian, Queer & Bisexual Female Characters

We didn’t lose too many LGBTQ female characters between last year and this year to shows ending or getting cancelled. True Blood was even included in the 2014-2015 analysis although it ended this past summer, so no points got docked for losing Pam and (the ghost of) Tara!

The major queer characters from last year are pretty much still around:

• Santana and Brittany on Glee (who might have a wedding proposal next season!)
• Emily and Paige on Pretty Little Liars
• Callie and Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy
• Delphine and Cosima on Orphan Black
• Bo and Lauren on Lost Girl
• Stef and Lela on The Fosters
• Gail and Holly on Rookie Blue
• Jack and Imogen on Degrassi: The Next Generation
• Caroline and Kate on Last Tango in Halifax 

The somewhat second-tier w/r/t the size of the role and/or pertinence of their queer identity remain as well: Doc Yewll and Lev on Defiance, Kalinda on The Good Wife, Diana on White Collar, Betty on Masters of Sex, Lena on Ray Donovan, Elaria Sand on Game of Thrones, Jenny on Two and a Half Men (groan), Ariana on The Bridge, Carolyn on Under the Dome and Tara on The Walking Dead. Reportedly, Nyssa on Arrow will have a big storyline this season.

Some newly-out queers and smaller roles round out the bunch: Haddie on Parenthood, Nenna and Rose on Crossbones, Margot on Hannibal, Patsy on Getting On, Lydia on Switched at Birth, Crickett on Heart of Dixie, Joanna and Alex on Witches of East End, and Dominion‘s Arika and Uriel. Lesbian recurring character Gina Mendez on The Following survived a stabbing at the end of Season Two, and there are rumors she’ll be a major character in Season Three… but there are also rumors that she may not return at all.

Then there are the ones whose interest in women hasn’t been mentioned in years but still technically count, like Josslyn on Mistresses, Angela on Bones, Pam on Archer and Patty on The Simpsons.  Oh right, and Connie on the animated series Brickleberry, voiced by Roger Black and described as “a lesbian female ranger who has a large body, immense strength, and a deep voice that is often mistaken for male.”  Her vagina makes growling noises when she’s excited and she’s obsessed with a straight female park ranger. Yay for representation!

Unfortunately, forget lesbian bed death, the real plague haunting queer women on television is plain ‘ol LESBIAN DEATH. Lots of queer female characters died this year. Shana, a queer women of color, was killed off on Pretty Little Liars. Leslie Shay was killed in the season premiere of Chicago Fire. Recurring character Reyna Flores was killed off on Matador last week. And although she appeared throughout the season in hallucinations, Tara died the true death in the True Blood premiere.

The Almighty Johnsons, which apparently featured a bisexual character named Michele, was canceled.

Very Recently Debuted Shows With LGBTQ Female Characters

Faking It has a teenage high school girl who likes girls at the heart of its story. It’s been under fire for falling into the lesbian-sleeps-with-a-man trope after the Season One finale, and it seems like the writers want to keep her options open, but presently it seems that regardless of her identity, her dating-related storylines will be exclusively girl-on-girl. Faking It is the first show since South of Nowhere to have a teenage lesbian as one of two main characters.

Chasing Life, a charming and cheesy little drama that premiered this summer on ABC Family, introduced a subdued but resonant queer storyline for teenagers Brenna and Greer, which included a “label-free” teenage girl choosing a girlfriend (the openly lesbian Greer) over a boyfriend.

Also on ABC Family, Switched at Birth has really been stepping it up with its queer representation. In addition to casting lesbian and bisexual actresses like Sandra Bernhard and Meredith Baxter, the show currently features a deaf Latina teenage lesbian, Natalie, who has a girlfriend, Hillary. There’s also a lesbian book editor named Lydia Kaiser who played a small role in Season Three.

The Strain, on FX, just brought back FRANKIE aka Ruta Gedmintas as computer hacker Dutch Velders. GLAAD says that “FX will have ten lesbian, gay or bisexual characters, including Michael on Partners, Dutch on The Strain, and Abdul and Sammy on Tyrant.” So I guess that means that Dutch is a HOMO.

TNT’s The Last Sail has a lesbian lieutenant of color who told AfterEllen she appreciates that for her character, “being a lesbian and having a female partner at home was dealt with in such an un-sensationalized way.” Season Two starts in 2015.

New or Returning Shows With New LGBTQ Female Characters

Backstrom (FOX) – Nicole Gravely (gay) – 2015
GLAAD says that “The Portland Police Bureau’s Special Crimes Unit on Backstrom will feature both a gay and a bisexual character, Nicole and Gregory,” and that’s good news because Nicole (Genevieve Angelson) is one of two lead characters. She plays second-in-command to the titular self-destructive and “irascible” Everett Backstrom (Rainn Wilson), a detective “tasked with not only keeping the unit together in the face of Backstrom’s behavior but ensuring that his unorthodox investigatory methods hold up in court.”

Last year, when the role was still being played by Mamie Gummer, Vulture described Nicole’s role as “…an openly gay police detective who is saddened over her breakup with her longtime partner.” But in January, AfterEllen reported that the show was being “re-tooled” from the Swedish novel series it was adapted from and that Nicole would no longer be a lesbian, but that she also wouldn’t be heterosexual, because who isn’t dying for ANOTHER “label-free” lady on television AM I RIGHT LADIES? However, GLAAD’s inclusion of Backstrom and description of Nicole as gay could suggest yet another re-tooling has taken place.

Survivor’s Remorse (Starz) – M-Chuck (lesbian) – October 2014
GLAAD lists Survivor’s Remorse’s M-Chuck as one of the “new out women… to be introduced in the upcoming season.” M-Chuck, who is African-American (like most of the show’s cast), is third from the top on the show’s webpage, and she is described as Cam’s “older sister, staunch defender and biggest fan.” The show “follows Cam Calloway, a basketball phenom in his early 20’s who is suddenly thrust into the limelight after signing a multi-million dollar contract with a professional basketball team in America.” M-Chuck is played by Erica Ash, who you might remember as the only straight female actress on Logo’s Big Gay Sketch Show! The sitcom, executive-produced by Lebron James, is only slated for six episodes thus far but is getting positive reviews. The San Francisco Gate remarks that Mary Charles / M-Chuck is “a woman on constant prowl for the ladies and isn’t afraid to show a little PDA with a girlfriend during church.” YESSSSSS.

Gotham (FOX) – Renee Montoya (lesbian) & Barbara Kean (bisexual) – Now Airing
As discussed, Renee Montoya is a Latina Lesbian detective on Gotham, and her bisexual ex Barbara Kean will appear later in the season. So far Renee’s screen time has been minimal.

Faking It (MTV) – Reagan (lesbian) – Now Airing
Faking It will be adding a love interest for Amy this season, and GLAAD reports she is a lesbian of color.

Jane the Virgin (The CW) – Luisa (lesbian) and Rose (bisexual) – October 2014
Jane the Virgin, a show that actually looks really good and funny despite everything the premise would lead you to believe, has two queer female characters: Rose, who is bisexual and in every episode this season, and Luisa, who is a lesbian and the doctor who accidentally gets Jane pregnant.

Scream (MTV) – Audra Jensen (bisexual) – 2015
The Scream films are being adapted for the small screen, and Jamie Travis of Faking It will be directing the pilot. Bex Taylor-Klaus will be playing a lead role as Audra Jensen, the “daughter of a Lutheran pastor” who is “described as an artsy loner who aspires to be a filmmaker.” You may remember Bex Taylor-Klaus from her role as a homeless masculine-of-center kid Bullet on The Killing. 

One Big Happy (NBC) – Lizzy (lesbian) – 2015
We’ve got a lesbian in the lead of this new NBC Comedy. “Gay and a bit type-A” Lizzy (Elisha Cuthbert) and her best friend “straight and more laid back” Luke decide to have a baby together — platonically — and then Luke meets a girl named Prudence and they get married and ta-da a non-traditional family is born! Our dearest Liz Feldman is writing the show, and Ellen DeGeneres is the Executive Producer. Fingers crossed this will be better than The New Normal, although seriously must we always stick babies in our lesbians?

Black Sails (Starz) – ??? – 2015
Black Sails will be introducing two new LGBT characters, but there’s no indication from GLAAD on if these characters will be men or women or neither. The show already has two queer characters, Max and Eleanor. Many fans hope Anne Bonny might turn out to be one of those “new” LGBT characters.

Red Band Society – Sarah Souders and Andrea Souders (lesbian)
Sarah and Andrea will play small roles as the moms of “mean girl” cheerleader Kara.

The Mindy Project – Dr. Jean Fishman (lesbian)
Niecy Nash will be playing a recurring role as “a take-no-prisoners type” who “also happens to be a lesbian” and will be Mindy’s “antagonist” at the office. I really love The Mindy Project so I am very excited about this.

Where Are The Transgender Women?

Unique, who was holding it down for trans women of color on Glee, isn’t returning next year — which is actually fine, because the show did a terrible job with her character and storyline and I was sick of hearing them get praised for including her at all. GLAAD found zero transgender women on the shows it analyzed this year (and just one transgender boy — Cole, who plays a minor role on The Fosters).

After several consecutive years of minimal progress in transgender representation on broadcast networks, GLAAD decided that starting next year, “networks must feature significant transgender content in their original programming in order to receive a grade of “Excellent” in the NRI.”

However, Faking It just introduced an intersex character, which is obviously different from having a transgender character, but is within the trans* umbrella. There is a lot more going on for transgender characters on streaming television, however…

Streaming Content With LGBTQ Female Characters

Orange is The New Black (Netflix)
Orange is the New Black remains an embarrassment of riches. We’ve got Piper Chapman, our bisexual lead, a queer transgender woman of color, Sophia Burset, and then a whole truckload of additional lesbian, bisexual or at-least-kinda-queer ladies like Alex Vause, Suzanne, Poussey, Big Boo, Nicky, Soso and Leanne.

Transparent (Amazon Prime)
This show is SO FUCKING GAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY y’all. We’ve got Maura, a lesbian transgender parent, at the epicenter. Then there’s Maura’s bisexual daughter, Sarah, Sarah’s lesbian activity partner, Tammy, and Tammy’s wife, Barb. Maura’s daughter, Ali, is possibly genderqueer (this hasn’t been articulated yet but seems to be the direction we’re going in), and her best friend, Sid, is bisexual. The show also has 25 transgender cast and crew members, including one prominent trans female character, Davina (Alexandra Billings), as well as three recurring characters, Kaya, Eleanor and Shay.

House of Cards (Netflix)
House of Cards is secretly kinda queer — the main dude is bisexual, but there’s also some girl-on-girl culture happening between two recurring characters, Rachel Posner and Lisa Williams, though it’s unclear how that will play out next year.

Alpha House (Amazon Prime)
I have no idea what this show is but apparently it features two female legislative assistants who are dating!

East Los High (Hulu Plus)
I’m actually really not sure how we didn’t know that this show existed until last week?? There’s a teenage Latina couple! YOU GUYS.

Autostraddle’s 2014 Fall TV Preview: Queers and Women of Color All Over Your Teevee

Well this week kicks off what’s certain to be a groundbreaking fall television season, chock-full of racially diverse casts and pioneering explorations of gender identity. Lesbian representation isn’t exactly fantastic, however, especially with Pretty Little Liars and The Fosters not returning full-force until 2015 and Glee‘s premiere date TBA, and we’ve got some waiting to do for the return of queer female characters on Chasing Life, Orphan Black, Masters of Sex, Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, The Bridge and Lost Girl. But hopefully the lady-loving ladies of Gotham, Faking It, Transparent and a few more shows will tide us over. Let’s talk about it.

Monday

Gotham (FOX)

September 22nd, 8pm – NEW

Intern Grace will be recapping Gotham for Autostraddle.

This series tells the story of Batman before he became Batman and was just a wee little thing in the world surrounded by villains before they become villains. It’s also shaping up to be a very diverse enterprise — as reported by The Advocate, “in this reimagining, women of color are depicted in positions of power on both sides of the law, and strong LGBT characters are an essential part of the story from the first episode.” Latina lesbian detective Renee Motoya will be played by Victoria Cartagena and we have it on good authority that Jada Pinkett Smith’s character, mob boss Fish Mooney, won’t be “entirely straight” either.

Sleepy Hollow (Fox)

September 22nd, 9pm – Season Two

By Rachel: “Although not explicitly gay, Sleepy Hollow has won my heart via having a variety of PoC actors in starring roles (Nicole Beharie, Orlando Jones, Lyndie Greenwood, John Cho), fairly scary monsters, little-to-no boring hetero romance subplots, and I have not had to see Tom Mison naked, nor watch anyone have sex with him. Although last season ended on a fairly dark note, even for a show about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse bringing about the end times, next season promises that our favorite characters will be at the very least alive and that the Mills sisters will continue to look dreamy while carrying lots of guns and Ichabod will bring even more wacky anachronisms into our lives.”

Jane The Virgin (the CW)

October 13th, 9pm – NEW

Based on Venezuelan telenovela Juana la Virgen, this show stars Gina Rodriguez as a straight-laced virgin who is accidentally inseminated by an exhausted ob-gyn who was supposed to give her a pap smear. It’s a wacky and undoubtedly heterosexual premise but considering that Hispanic and Latin@ folks are the most under-represented racial group on television relative to their representation in the actual US population, I’m down to give this show a chance. Plus, Diane Guerrero (Maritza on Orange is the New Black) and trans actress Carmen Carrera will both make appearances in Season One! Entertainment Weekly notes that “to nail the cultural references, Urman hired two Hispanic writers, including tele-novela veteran Carolina Rivera. Rodriguez, 30, gives notes too.” It’s a sad day in the world when a show about Hispanic people gets a pat on the back for hiring actual Hispanic writers but um, baby steps?

Tuesday

Faking It (MTV)

September 23rd, 10pm – Season Two

Riese will be recapping Faking It for Autostraddle.

You’ve probably already got some strong feelings about this show, negative or positive. I personally feel very hopeful! This season has a lot of promise — in addition to Amy boldly braving the murky waters of lesbian dating, Lauren will [SPOILER ALERT] come out as intersex, making her (I believe) the first intersex character since that one girl on Freaks and Geeks. I also look forward to meeting Amy’s eventual love interest Reagan, a “hip, edgy lesbian with a rebellious streak,” and Laverne Cox‘s Margot, “director of Hester High’s elite drama club.” For more about Season Two, check out our post here.

Wednesday

American Horror Story: Freakshow (FX)

October 8th, 10pm – Season Four

Chelsea will be recapping American Horror Story for Autostraddle.

If you’re a fan of gay lady Sarah Paulson, how do you feel about two Sarah Paulsons at one time? You’ll find out this fall on American Horror Story, when Sarah Paulson will be playing conjoined twins. Kathy Bates returns to the franchise as the bearded lady, Angela Bassett will have three breasts, Jessica Lange will be a former German cabaret star and Evan Peters will be Lobster Boy. Also, Pepper from Asylum is returning to tell the tale of who Pepper was before Asylum. Undoubtedly, showrunner Ryan Murphy will find a way to offend people repeatedly during this season but you’ll have to tune in to find out how! (Sidenote: two longreads I’ve enjoyed recently about the “freak show” business: I Was a Teenage Freak and Behold! The Heartbreaking, Hair-Raising Tale Of Freak Show Star Julia Pastrana, Mexico’s Monkey Woman.)

Red Band Society (Fox)

September 17th, 9pm – NEW

Andrea Parker will be playing a lesbian mom on “Red Band Society,” a new drama that also features GLAAD spokesperson Wilson Cruz, best beloved for his role as Ricky Vasquez on My So-Called Life, and takes place in the pediatric wing of a hospital. Executive Producer Margaret Nagle was tapped by Fox and Steven Spielberg’s Amblin Entertinment to develop the show, based on the Spanish drama Polseres Vermelles. It’s narrated by a boy in a coma and features a rag-tag band of teenagers who basically live in the hospital due to various circumstances such as cancer and anorexia. Octavia Spencer plays Nurse Jackson, who supervises the wing with a dude played by a dude.

Black-ish (ABC)

September 24th, 9:30 PM

This sitcom got a lot of buzz during upfronts! Of the initial trailer, Brittani wrote, “I am in. I am all in. I do not care about the think pieces to come. I do not care about the policing white people will do. I do not care about the microscope this show will be put under. Sign me the fuck up.” SO THERE YOU GO.

Thursday

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)

September 25th, 8pm – Season 11

Gabby will be recapping the gay parts of Grey’s Anatomy for Autostraddle because loyal reader Carmen Sandiego asked us to.

In the season premiere, lesbian couple Callie and Arizona will “come to a decision about surrogacy.” Probably mostly we’ll be listening to Meredith Grey complain about shit though. Just a guess.

Scandal (ABC)

September 25th, 9pm – Season 4

You were gonna watch Scandal anyhow because everybody watches Scandal and everybody has a crush on Kerry Washington, but you’ll REALLY wanna watch Scandal this season ’cause Portia De Rossi has been confirmed for a multi-episode arc.

How To Get Away With Murder (ABC)

September 25th, 10pm

This show rounds out Shonda Rhimes’ total domination of Thursday nights and promises a “healthy dose of violence and sex.” There’s a gay male character, Connor Walsh, played by Jack Falahee, and Bennett from Orange is the New Black also stars, but we’re way more excited about having such a racially diverse cast with Viola Davis at the helm. Also CRIME DRAMA.

Friday

Cristela (ABC)

October 10th, 8:30pm – NEW

Comedian Cristela Alonzo created this semi-autobiographical sitcom about a legal intern in Texas based on her own struggles to balance work and family. “The only auditions I used to get were housekeepers,” she told Entertainment Weekly. “Those are great stories, and those stories should be told. But we all have different jobs. It’s 2014. You have a Latina who created, writes and stars on this show on network TV. Let’s celebrate this.”

Saturday

Saturday Night Live (NBC)

September 27th, 11:30pm – Season 40

Praise Lesbian Jesus for Kate McKinnon who is undoubtedly the highlight of this legendary sketch comedy series these days, which got in trouble last year for hiring a bunch more white guys when it already had SO MANY WHITE GUYS. Black female comedian Sasheer Zamata joined mid-season and will be returning for Season 40. Furthermore, Michael Che, who wrote for the series last season, will be joining the cast as Weekend Update’s first black anchor. He’s replacing Cecily Strong at the Update desk, which I hope means she’ll be doing that annoying girl at the party character again because that shit was HILARIOUS. Noël Wells, the show’s first Hispanic female cast member, won’t be returning for Season 40, nor will white dude John Milhiser or white dude Brooks Wheelan. I think a new white guy has been hired to replace one of those white guys, but IDK they all look the same to me.

Sunday

The Good Wife (CBS)

September 21st, 9pm – Season 6

Is Kalinda gonna hook up with any girls this season? You guys should watch it and let me know.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Fox)

September 28th, 9pm – Season 2

This show is really funny and racially diverse and the captain is a black gay man who really breaks type. Mic even declared it the most progressive sitcom on television.

The Walking Dead (AMC)

October 12th, 9pm – Season 5

By Laura Mandanas: Since we last spoke, the less developed half of The Walking Dead’s queer lady couple got killed off during a battle between Rick’s party and a hostile outside group. Although I was sad to see Alisha go, the good news is that Tara Chalmers (played by Alanna Masterson) lives on and has been promoted to a series regular!  As of the the end of last season, Tara was being held hostage in a boxcar with Michonne, Sasha, Maggie, Glenn, Rick, Carl, Daryl and a couple others I don’t really care about. Season 5 promises to be a bloody one, as a) all signs point to the “Termites” being cannibals, and b) Rick literally just ripped some guy’s throat out with his teeth. Also! The show’s creators have been hinting that they’re going to introduce a gay male character and it might be Daryl. (Except, duh, he was totally into Beth last season, so he’s either bi or they’re talking about someone else.) The premiere is on October 12.

The Comeback (HBO)

November 9th, 1opm – Season 2

UGH THIS SHOW WAS SO GOOD WHEN IT WAS ON. Then it got cancelled because the world is a cruel dark place and Lisa Kudrow is too good for this world (except for Web Therapy, that show is the worst). The Comeback picks up nine years after the 2005 cancellation with washed-up actress’ Valerie Cherish’s continued attempts to recharge her dwindling career. There aren’t any queer females in it, but her hairdresser Mickey will finally be out of the closet and embracing his gay identity.

Streaming

Transparent (Amazon Prime)

September 26th

Rachel will be recapping Transparent for Autostraddle.

One of this season’s most buzzed-about shows for queers won’t be on television — it’s on Amazon Prime, and it’s called Transparent, and it centers on Maura (played by Jeffery Tambor), a mother coming out late in life as a trans woman. Show creator Jill Soloway (Six Feet Under, The United States of Tara) has loaded the program with LGBTQ characters. Plus, according to Entertainment Weekly, twenty-five members of the cast and crew are transgender! Amy Landecker plays Maura’s daughter Sarah, who has dated both men and women and sees a girlfriend from college resurface in the pilot. Gaby Hoffman plays Maura’s child Ali, who is coming into her own genderqueer identity.

The cast includes transgender actress Alexandra Billings, the adorable Alison Sudol of A Fine Frenzy, transgender actress/producer Zackary Drucker (who you may recognize from Amos Mac’s Translady Fanzine), bisexual actress Carrie Brownstein, lesbian comedian Tig Notaro, lesbian writer Ali Liebegott, transgender actress Roxy Wood and transgender comedian and actor Ian Harvie.

Words With Girls (Color Creative TV)

September 23rd

Okay, so this is just a pilot, not an entire series, but if you want it to be an entire series, you should definitely watch the pilot. Written and created by our very own Brittani Nichols, the show will premiere on Issa Rae and Denise Davis’s Color Creative TV on my birthday, September 23rd! This smart and funny “lesbian relationship comedy” dropped its first trailer today and you can read alllll about it right here. Imagine if this was like, on FOX, then we would’ve officially Won Television.

What are you excited to watch this fall? Did I miss anything? Let’s talk about it.

Getting Back to Geek Roots with 10 Little Known Facts About Xena: Warrior Princess

Xena has been off the air for well over a decade, but lesbians can often subsist on subtext alone (even though we shouldn’t have to). The topic recently re-emerged in an Autostraddle reply-all, so I offered to lend my geekery knowledge to this list of little known Xena trivia.

1. Xena and Gabrielle have a complicated history of mouth-to-mouth

We all watch Xena for the famous “lesbian subtext,” so just how many times have Xena and her partner in crime Gabrielle kissed? Well that depends on how you look at it. In Season One, Episode 24, “Is There a Doctor in the House” Xena gives Gabrielle mouth to mouth. But in Season 2, Episode 5 “Return of Callisto” she gives a tender smooch when Gabrielle is leaving to marry Perdicus. The second Season 2 Episode 13 “The Quest” they kiss in a dreamscape scene in between life and death before Xena turns back into Autolycus. But the real kiss doesn’t come until the series finale Season Six, Episode 24 “A Friend in Need” where the two share an emotional kiss before Xena’s death.

2. Gabrielle wasn’t the only lady Xena sapphically locked lips with

She also got some screen kiss time with mentor hottie Lao Ma in Season Three Episode 6‘s “The Debt.” I’m having a hard time verifying that this is the only other woman Xena puckered up to on the show but certainly she was one of the most influential people in Xena’s life, having been a main signpost on her path to redemption, and probably the most important lesbian love next to Gabrielle. Her amount of screen time certainly doesn’t do her justice.

3. Xena was represented at NYC Pride…

Xena has inspired entire conventions but also a group that consistently marched in NYC’s Pride Parade for several years (approximately 2001-2004 it seems), called the Marching Xenas.

4. …and had her own monthly dance party

The MXs also spawned a monthly dance party, Xena Night, at Meow Mix that ran from 1996 to 2006 is some capacity. And you really really must check out their website that is somehow still semi-live, because it is the best/worst most 90s amazingness you will ever behold. People my age will have possibly nostalgic/possibly disturbing flashbacks to things like Geocities and neon repeating backgrounds. If nothing else, you’ll want to check out their plain text Top 10 lists, which include such gems as:

• Top 16 Titles For The Eventual Xena Movie: Son of Xena and Gabrielle: A How-To Guide For Pre-Mycenean Artificial Insemination
• Top Ten Reasons We Keep Doing Xena Night December 2002: Barb has some photos of us we’d rather not see published
• And if you still just can’t get enough the webring of Xena sites is still up.

5. Xena’s child has an interesting genealogy

Speakinng of Pre-Mycenean alternative birthing, in the first episode of Season Five, “Fallen Angel” Callisto touches Xena in a moment of forgiveness and this marks the baby’s conception. It isn’t until 9 episodes later that we learn the evil goddess gave Xena the child as a strange way of making amends as well as reincarnating herself. So she’s both father and child.

6. The true identity of Xena’s horse is complicated

Early episodes refer to the equine as a “boy” but by episode 21 they pretty consistently refer to Argo as a mare. In reality Argo was portrayed by several horses and according to the Whoosh International Association of Xena Studies:

Tilly does the riding and standing, Aztec is the rearing specialist, Honey takes care of the kicking and running, and Mac is the stand-in. Despite persistent rumors, there is no horse named ‘Daisy.’

7. Her costume should be coming soon to a museum near you

Lucy Lawless donated her costume to the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History in 2006, but so far it hasn’t been put on display. I mean, I checked the “Costume Collection: Women’s Dresses” and it was not to be found. Tragic. But it did appear in Science Fiction Museum in Seattle on loan.

8. Xena is partially based on an “evil warrior princess” from early 90s Hong Kong action films

The character was played by Taiwainese actress Lin Ching Hsia/Brigitte Lin. Lin was also famous for playing several gender bending roles in movies such as Peking Opera Blues, Swordsman II and III and more.

9. Producers initially wanted Xena’s battle cry to be based on the ululations of Arab women, but Lawless couldn’t quite master it

So, instead, it went through various arguments about and changes in spelling such as ayiyiyiyi, alelelelele and more, evetually getting as far as calling it Alalaes, the female personification of wark cry in Greek mythology. Way to successfully (sorta) spin away from cultural appropriation!

10. I Won a Xena trivia contest during a screening of the final episode at the Philadelphia Gay and Lesbian Community Center when I was living there in the summer of 2001

Share your favorite Xena trivia and/or feelings in the comments!

Top Eight TV Female Bosses Who Aren’t Afraid To Get Bossy

Despite a childhood and adolescence throughout which I was routinely described as “bossy,” I find the day-to-day realities of being the boss to be very challenging. For example, sometimes I feel like the worst boss ever and at those times I want to run away and live on a raft on the ocean or go write a novel in the woods! Sometimes I want to smash pudding into my face! Sometimes I want to fire myself / everybody! Sometimes I don’t want to ever have to tell anybody else what to do, ever! Sometimes I want The Internet to die in a fire! But most of the time I feel lucky to have such a wonderful team and to work for such a wonderful group of readers.

It doesn’t help that there’s not much out there in terms of role models for Ladies in Charge. The archetypal female boss in the media is either incompetent or cold, ruthless and impersonal. She has no romantic life ’cause she’s “married to the job.” She is especially brutal to female underlings. She’s often a conceited meglomaniac! But every now and then, a lady comes along who breaks the mold and I cling to these precious few with obsessive fervor.

So, let us present our favorite television bosses — mine, with some expert opinions thrown in from other Autostraddle team members.

Top Eight Lady TV Bosses

Captain Janeway, Star Trek Voyager

Much like Adama in Battlestar, Janeway started Voyager in a hopeless place — marooned in the Delta Quandrant, 75,000 light years from earth, unsure if they’d ever see their home again. She was not only forced to lead fairly and ambitiously, but also to keep morale high in uncharted waters. The first female captain on a Star Trek show, she boldly went there with a style that wasn’t reminiscent of previous captains but firmly and uniquely her own. Plus then she went to prison with a bunch of lesbians and became Boss of the Kitchen and then Boss of the Greenhouse, so.

Leslie Knope, Parks & Recreation

Hansen: “Leslie Knope would be the best boss of all time because she’s an amazing, driven role model for all of her employees… even though they take her for granted. She puts her community first, because she believes in the goodness of people. She listens to the woes of her community and department and makes honest attempts to fix what is wrong, even when it may not be super convenient for her. She believes in the power of women and champions female leadership, never shying away from moving on up in politics despite the rampant misogyny in city council elections. She’s not perfect, either, and forgives others for their imperfections, as well. She also knows all of the words to Parents Just Don’t Understand, which is vital.”

Tami Taylor, Friday Night Lights

Tami Taylor is the best parent and the best wife and the best human and THE BEST BOSS EVER. She’s got this polished Southern charm that somehow softens the repeated blows she delivers to the bureaucrats and lazy assholes standing between her students and their education. She wants a better system and will fight for it, no matter what, and even stands up to her co-worker’s apathy. This tenacity lands her a job as the BIG BOSS of a University. Then there’s how she tells her husband that it’s time her career takes precedence over his for once, which is one of the best Tami Taylor moments and one of the best Friday Night Lights moments ever. I JUST LOVE THIS WOMAN I CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME

Miranda Bailey, Grey’s Anatomy

Cleo: “Dr. Miranda Bailey is the best boss at Seattle Grace Hospital. She rules her interns with an iron fist and a set of rules for their residency that include “not waking up her unless a patient is dying” and “not sucking up” — because she already hates them. She doesn’t play favorites, so each wannabe surgeon must meet her high standards of care when treating patients in order to earn the right to enter an OR. She instills in them the idea that residency isn’t about the glory of being surgeon, it’s about healing. On the flipside, she calls the interns her babies and takes time to give them what they needed to become better doctors as well as people. She never asks Christina to turn down her intellect or drive, but makes sure to remind her that each patient is person, not a career stepping stone. And while all of the aforementioned things contribute to her awesome bossness, the thing that makes her a truly awesome boss is her creation of the clinic at Seattle Grace. She created it because she was losing faith in medicine being about healing and needed a way to help people in a manner that was meaningful and drama free. By doing this she showed her interns and residents that self-care and career advancement don’t have to be mutually exclusive. And maybe more importantly, that you can change your plan and the world won’t end. Dr. Bailey is a surgeon, clinic head, mother and The Boss.”

Ellen Morgan, The Ellen Show

You guys, she’s a lesbian independent bookstore owner. That’s just inherently perfect.

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock.

Stef: “As the acting Kermit the Frog to TGS’ Muppet Show, Liz Lemon is in charge of keeping a thousand moving parts and unreliable human beings operational. She’s refreshing to watch as a character because she’s a smart, single woman attempting (and often failing) to balance a personal life with her demanding career. As a boss, she’s shown as mostly trying to remain rational, dealing with issues between her staff that logically shouldn’t be her problem (but often are). The staff of TGS operate as an enormously dysfunctional family with questionable strengths and often absurd complications. At the heart of all of this confusion is Liz Lemon, who cares enough to keep her team centered and on their game enough to deliver a live show week after week. Without Lemon at the helm, it’s unlikely that TGS would be able to thrive or even continue to exist as a show. Lemon is happy to go to bat for her colleagues, and recognizes potential and positive qualities in each of them. In rare episodes where Liz is presented with the option of a promotion or a more appealing job, it’s clear that her focus is on the quality of her work with TGS and her connection with all the people who make it happen.”

Bette Porter, The L Word

This sounds fucked up — but then again, so is the entire damn world — but until seeing The L Word, I’d never seen an example of a woman getting ahead in the workplace without pandering to male attention. I’d personally found my advancement and level of acceptance in every workplace I’d worked in, especially restaurants and temp jobs at banks, tightly linked to my ability to charm, attract or date male higher-ups or even well-liked male co-workers. But Bette didn’t take shit from anybody and often verged deliciously into misandry, whether she was heading up the California Center For the Arts, the Art Department at California University or that gallery situation with Jessie Spano. When in doubt, I tend to go meek, but when Bette Porter is in doubt, she defaults to strong. Plus she looks hot in pantsuits HEY-O.

Olivia Pope, Scandal

This weekend Kerry Washington spoke at BlogHer, an annual convention primarily geared towards lady-writers and I was there teaching people how to start their own Media Company (which required a certain degree of confidence I’m not always comfortable with). Prior to Kerry Washington’s moment on stage, I was telling a tablemate about how before business meetings, Alex and I will try to channel Olivia Pope and remind ourselves not to Take Anybody’s Shit and that We Know What We’re Doing and will Own The Room, and she said she does the exact same thing! Olivia Pope: inspires all of us to own the room and keep it pro. Oh, by the way, Kerry Washington is even more beautiful and perfect in person.

If you need more bossy inspiration, I suggest listening to this playlist my special activity partner made me to inspire me to remember that I Am The Boss, even when I Really Don’t Feel Like One.

25 Things to Do While You Wait for “Orange is the New Black” Season Three

Have you finished watching Orange is the New Black Season Two yet? Of course you have. Twice, probably. And you’ve watched all the interviews with the cast and read every news clip you can find that even obliquely references season three, but now you have eleven and a half months to wait and no new episodes to sustain you. Here’s how to kill time until the Litchfield crew returns.

1. Write novel-length Amanda/McKenzie fan fiction. (I totally ship Amanda/McKenzie, you guys. I know Taystee’s straight but I get hella vibes from Amanda.)

2. Watch that .gif of Larry being punched in the face over and over again.

3. Get a Thirsty Bird tattoo.

4. Update your will to include detailed instructions stating that anyone who gets married at your funeral is cut off from all inheritance forever, and also you’ll come back and haunt them.

5. Learn to play the banjolele and start a Sideboob cover band. Throw a bluegrass version of “You’ve Got Time” in there.

6. Stockpile snacks in case of flooding.

7. Brainstorm baby names for Daya and Bennet. For some reason I feel like Victoria would be good.

8. Upgrade your home security and hide all your teddy bears and wedding-related paraphernalia in an impregnable safe. Possibly install retina scanners in your bathtub.

9. Wonder what Miss Claudette has been up to, and start a letter-writing campaign to get Michelle Hurst a spin-off show down in max.

10. Hit the thrift stores and put together your perfect job interview outfit (ideally a sequined cocktail dress).

11. Become fluent in German, rock a super-short mohawk, and have your pick of the ladies.

12. Don’t speak unless you can improve upon the silence. I think Gandhi said that. I love Gandhi.

13. Make sure to wear your glasses if you’re going to assassinate somebody.

14. More fanfiction! This time, focus on what Sophia was doing offscreen all season long. (Dear OitNB writers, when you have a breakout star with a TIME magazine cover, you give her more than six goddamn lines.)

15. Take up gardening, using appropriately sized pots.

16. Make sure your fire extinguisher is near the door, especially if you’ve just begun a sordid yet boring relationship with your former best friend’s former fiance.

17. Cry about Suzanne forever.

18. Use your suspension from work to grow a bitchin’ mullet and memorize the code for every possible infraction.

19. Give scissoring one more shot.

20. Learn to roll your own cigarettes. Then rip them up and pour bleach all over them. Smoking is bad for you.

21. Grow babies in tubes and eradicate men (or use them for sex before tossing them away).

22. Never be rude to anyone. Just in case.

23. Start a newsletter for and about everyone who lives in your house. Goldfish: they’re people too! Be sure to include a list of your cactus’s favorite books.

24. (My partner’s contribution:) Learn to crochet. Make yourself an exact replica of Miss Claudette’s blanket, and wear it around your shoulders for the next 350 days. If anyone tries to take it away from you, rub it vigorously on your crotch, and go back to your fan fiction.

25. Watch Season Two again. Obviously.

Top Five Fictional Female Stoners

We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!

Honest confession time: I’ve loved stoner comedies since before I ever smoked my first joint. I don’t know what exactly it was that first drew me to genre: the four-letter words, the low-brow shenanigans, the inherent goofiness. Or maybe it was the underlying message that usually had to do with standing up against authority and letting your freak flag fly. What can I say, I’m a sucker for an underdog story. While the stoner comedy world is mostly populated with men, there have been a few notable exceptions. The following are five of my favorite fictional female stoners, culled from film and television. These ladies have a standing invitation to the smoke circle of my heart.

1. Sarah Silverman in The Sarah Silverman Program

Notable Episode: “High, It’s Sarah” Season 2, Episode 7

When Sarah starts smoking weed with her best friend Brian, she discovers that she has brilliant ideas while she’s high and starts leaving voice mails for her sober self. For anyone who has ever had great ideas while they were stoned, consider this episode a warning: one minute you might be complimenting strangers, the next you might kidnap Garry Marshall while wearing your old prom dress. IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, PEOPLE.

2. Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda, and Lily Tomlin in Nine to Five

Via beautydart.wordpress.com

If you haven’t seen 9 to 5, you need to seriously re-examine your life choices. I mean, it’s Parton, Tomlin, and Fonda smashing the patriarchy ’80s style! After a rough day at work, these three ladies bond over a stolen joint and their hatred of their misogynistic boss. Several puffs later, we get to see their weed-induced fantasies about revenge. If you want to see Lily Tomlin play a stoned Snow White, then this is the movie for you.

3. Kristen Bell in Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical

In this hilarious musical, one puff turns straight-laced Veronica Mars into a leather bound S&M goddess. I mean, I loved Frozen, but this movie has Kristen Bell singing and dancing in fishnets and holding a whip. That’s kind of all you need in life.

4. Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8g3XXLTUpo

So many female smokers are depicted as one-timers, often “learning a lesson” about the dangers of smoking weed. Hell, even Nancy Botwin from Weeds only lights up a handful of times during the entire run of the series! That’s what is so much fun about Bridget Fonda’s character Melanie: she really is a 24/7 devoted pothead with no plans beyond her next bowl and whatever else is on TV. Keep on dreaming the dream, you stoned little angel.

5. Anna Faris in Smiley Face

Smiley Face is the female stoner comedy of your dreams. Anna Faris stars as Jane, a pothead actress who accidently eats all of her roommates pot cupcakes and spends one day completely tripping ovaries. It also gives us this GIF, which basically sums up my life.

My favorite thing about this movie is that it perfectly captures the feeling of being so incredibly high that simple tasks become epic journeys. Whether it’s re-parking her car, making a phone call, or inciting a worker’s strike at a sausage factory, Faris’s Jane approaches each task with wide-eyed confusion and a goofy smile. This is not just the best female stoner film ever, it’s the best stoner movie bar none. BRB, framing pictures of President Garfield forever.

Header by Rory Midhani

Top Five Anime Ladies I Want To Date

We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!

Like a lot of queer people, media was a big part of helping me discover and come to terms with my sexuality. It was The L Word that initially opened the door, and several other shows that helped me realize that I wasn’t just “curious”, but I actually could see myself in a relationship with another girl… including an anime: Sailor Moon. Now that I’m secure in my bisexuality, it makes watching TV a lot more fun: now I have twice the number of fictional crushes! And anime in particular is good for this, since it has plenty of sex appeal among different genders.

Anime gets frequently stereotyped as full of empty “fanservice” girls, with cardboard personalities and unrealistic body proportions. Those stereotypes aren’t entirely unfounded, but in spite of them I’ve found plenty of great female characters in anime who I can relate to…and lust after. Here are five anime girls in particular that leave me wondering “why can’t you be real?”

1. Faye Valentine, Cowboy Bebop

I’ll start off this list with a pretty predictable choice. Cowboy Bebop is something that just about every Western anime fan has seen, and as a result, Faye is an iconic example of the sexy, scantily-clad anime girl… who also doesn’t take anyone’s shit. She’s a sarcastic woman with her own agenda, one that isn’t always in harmony with that of the other crew members of the Bebop. While she comes to value their assistance and companionship as the series goes on, she never sacrifices her independence and snark, and is a master with a gun or a well-placed punch when she wants to be. It’s the fact that she’s so smart, capable and unpredictable that I find Faye sexy – far more than just her looks – and even if a date with her would probably be… ill-advised, it would be too interesting not to try.

2. Misato Katsuragi, Neon Genesis Evangelion

My overall feelings about Evangelion, perhaps one of the most influential and controversial anime of all time, are pretty mixed, but Misato is one of my favorite female anime — or, hell, TV — characters ever. She certainly is one of the “realest” adult characters I’ve seen in a teenage-focused anime, to the point where she feels like she could be a real-life friend or acquaintance in spite of the series’ extraordinary circumstances. She’s brilliant, to prodigious levels – a Major in NERV (Eva‘s paramilitary organization) at age 28! — and excels in the strategic thinking required for her job. But she also has her insecurities and some serious psychological issues (as with everyone on this show), and can be goofy and irresponsible in other areas of her life. The downside of dating Misato would be that the two of us could never live together, since my apartment is almost as messy as hers… and my fridge just as full of snacks and booze instead of “real food”.

3. Juri Arisugawa, Revolutionary Girl Utena

Of course, this list needs at least a few actual queer ladies on it, and they don’t get better than Juri. I’ve written about her before in my review of Utena, so I won’t discuss why she’s a great queer girl character. Instead, I’ll just talk about what makes Juri so charming and date-able. As a champion fencer and one of the Rose duelists on the Ohtori Student Council, Juri is graceful and poised. In fact, she seems to excel at a variety of sports throughout the series… and there’s not much better than a hot athletic girl. Especially when she’s also as intelligent and mysterious as Juri is — though her stoic nature conceals the feelings she’s buried for her former friend and crush, Shiori. Who wouldn’t want to be the one to mend Juri’s broken heart, and prove to her that miracles are real?

4. Anissina von Karbelnikoff, Kyo Kara Maoh

Kyo Kara Maoh is a silly fantasy anime that my sister got me addicted to over Christmas this year. It involves a teenage boy getting sucked into another world where he finds out that he’s the king of a race of magical sexy demons — and a bunch of the male ones in his employ want him. Yeah, it’s a shounen-ai (re: gay-boy romance) series, and as such, the cast is mostly male… and yet in spite of that, it still has some pretty great female characters. One of them is Anissina, a powerful witch who uses her abilities to invent wacky machines with cutesy names, testing them out on the boys and wreaking havoc in the process. She’s also an outspoken feminist; she complains sometimes about how patriarchal their society is, and makes it her goal to improve it, especially by reaching out to poorer women in their kingdom. Other Kyo Kara Maoh fangirls can fight over its many pretty-boys; I’ll take Anissina, please.

5. Haruka Tenoh/Sailor Uranus, Sailor Moon

Michiru Kaioh, Haruka’s girlfriend in the series, was my first anime crush, so she really should be the one on this list. And yet, while both girls have a strong place in my heart – due to their fictional relationship helping me so much with figuring out my own sexuality – in the end, Uranus beats Neptune out. I’ve always been attracted to femmes, but it was Haruka who taught me that that preference wasn’t absolute. She is effortlessly charming and flirtatious – causing even girls with boyfriends (like Sailor Moon herself) to consider switching teams – and it’s no wonder, since it’s hard not to admire her in her suits and boys’ uniforms as she drives racecars and battles with her Space Sword. And yet, in spite of that playfulness, she never wavers in her devotion to Michiru, and her privacy about their relationship. Skilled at seduction, and yet trustworthy and faithful once she has her girl… Haruka is pretty much the ideal girlfriend. It’s hard not to want her to sweep you off your feet.

Honorable mentions: Mikasa Ackerman and Krista Lenz, Attack on Titan; Lust, Fullmetal Alchemist; Olivier Armstrong, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood; Nonon Jakuzure and Satsuki Kiryuin, Kill la Kill; Milly Thompson and Meryl Stryfe, Trigun; Cher Degre, Wolf’s Rain; and various ladies from Utena and Sailor Moon.

Header Image by Rory Midhani

Top 5 Queer TV Characters Named Alex

We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!

Alex is a very popular name for lesbians. For example: Alex Vega, co-founder of Autostraddle Dot Com and esteemed dancer; Zoie Palmer‘s girlfriend Alex Lalonde and artist/actress Alexandra Hedisson. It’s even more popular as a fictional name for lesbians however — a fictional Alex exists at the vortex of lesbian films including A Marine Story, It’s In the Water, Breaking the Girls, April’s Shower and Treading Water. Just today on Autostraddle, we posted an amazing personal essay involving a homosexual liasion with a lady named Alex! I wouldn’t be surprised if YOUR NAME IS ALSO ALEX. Is your name Alex? BE HONEST WITH ME.

 Top 5 Queer Television Alexes

5a. Alex (Shannyn Sossamon), Mistresses (US)

If you’ve ever wondered, “what would Shannyn Sossamon look like in a sunddress?” this storyline from Mistresses last year is your big chance to find out.

5b. Alex (Anna Torv), Mistresses (UK)

Before there was the US version of Mistresses, there was the UK version of Mistresses. As with most things, the UK edition was way better. This particular Alex was more into plaid than sundresses, however, as I recall.

4. Alex (Brandy Howard), Roomies

I know what you’re thinking — but Alex “isn’t gay,” the “premise of the show” is that “she’s only pretending to be gay” so that she can “shack up with Sam” (another popular lesbian TV character name) under the premise that they’re a “lesbian couple” because they live in this AWESOME lesbian-only apartment building. But I think if you’ve been watching the way Alex watches Sam (played by Julie Goldman), you’ll agree that all you can say about Alex’s orientation is that she’s not gay… yet.

3. Alex Nuñez (Deanna Casaluce), Degrassi

I had real actual feelings about Alex Nuñez and Paige on Degrassi and I really wanted Alex and her hoop earrings and white tank-tops to swoop into my life and bring me danger, intrigue, and tongue-kissing. Also, back in 2004/2005 when this storyline went down, it was still very rare to see this kind of thing happening with girls on a high school show. I think South of Nowhere had just gotten born. But you know, Degrassi always GOES THERE.

2. Alex Kelly (Olivia Wilde), The O.C.

Oh wow remember when Olivia Wilde was a bisexual bartender on The O.C.? I guess it was ten years ago, like Degrassi, which is basically two centuries ago in lesbian television time. There was no Santana or Emily Fields back then — but for like five episodes, we had Alex Kelly and Marissa Cooper, kissing in the rain! We had Marrisa discovering her new confusing feelings! I loved how unapologetic Alex was about her bisexuality, and how she wasn’t a brand-new queer like youngsters usually are on television, like she had an actual ex-girlfriend, too! It was just so great you guys. So great.

1. Alex Vause (Laura Prepon), Orange is the New Black

Look it’s your secret girlfriend Alex Vause. Doesn’t she make you want to smuggle drugs internationally in a weird wig? Like Alex Kelly and Alex Nuñez, Alex Vause has pain and damage underneath her hard exterior, so she might come off a little cold but that’s just because she doesn’t want you to know how much she loves you.

Who’s your favorite Alex?

Top Five Male Antihero TV Shows That’d Be Better Off Female

We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!

I’ve never been super into TV, but this past year something in me snapped. Shows that centered around male antiheros were suddenly HUGE — I couldn’t get through a conversation without someone bringing up Breaking Bad. It wasn’t just me — other people were noticing too. My indifference towards most television turned into PASSIONATE LOATHING; I have had to spend so much of my real life with narcissistic dudes who thought their inner landscapes were the most fascinating thing in my life that I couldn’t understand why anyone would choose to spend their free time on it. I get that the shows themselves present their protagonists as bad dudes, but acknowledging that you’re doing something annoying doesn’t make it not annoying. The only thing I did feel interested in was the women in the show — the Skyler White effect is so upsetting! The only way I’d ever be interested in watching any of these stupid shows would be if their female characters were upgraded from subplots to the main event. Actually that would be AWESOME.

1. Mad Women

Peggy, Joan and Dawn have suffered for years under the team of self-obsessed sociopathic manchildren they have to work with, and have finally reached the end of their collective rope. When they finally open up to each other, they realize that they share the same problems and can work together to end them. Via a complex strategy involving booby traps and capturing Don and Roger in one of their basements and sending Pete away to a reeducation program, they take over the office and run it themselves, instituting flex time and daycare on the premises. Yes, this is basically the exact plot of 9 to 5, which is why it would be excellent. Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda would have guest episodes.

2. First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage To A Terrifying Secret Kingpin

Skyler White already has things kind of rough — her husband has cancer, her sister is a kleptomaniac and also an incredibly annoying person, she’s having a baby, and also her hair is so great that it’s actually a burden. Then she starts to suspect that her husband is maybe using his cancer as an excuse to become a murderous self-mythologizing drug kingpin. Her suspicions are confirmed when he essentially forces her to help him and also constantly endangers their family and threatens her. All while dealing with abusive relationship patterns ratcheted up to an insane extreme, Skyler has to try to protect her children, constantly negotiate her safety with her awful husband and keep everything a secret from everyone else. Heroically, Skyler manages to concoct a plan along with Walter’s sometime partner Jesse to kill him and end the nightmare that her life has become. Skyler then buys herself a lake house with Walter’s money and also is crowned queen of a small principality that welcomes her with open arms and builds a statue of her; she goes on to give a series of TED talks about identifying and calling out abusive behaviors.

3. Oh My God Sherlock What Have You Done Now, Jesus Christ

England is forever indebted to the eccentric genius who sometimes solves their implausible national-level crimes, but is also burdened by him, because he’s outrageously narcissistic and obnoxious. In a lighthearted and clever farce recalling Dennis the Menace, Mrs. Hudson, Molly Hooper and, eventually, Mary are constantly running around London trying to clean up after this detective and his best bro who have no concept of how to interact with other humans and can’t even hold their liquor. When Sherlock and Watson take off on a harebrained caper to protect the Queen from an evil clickbait blogger and somehow leave three crashed cars, a broken engagement, a defaulted bank loan and a case of food poisoning in their wake, Mrs. Hudson and Molly have their work cut out for them. Later in the season, during “The Case of the Foreign Minister and the Biore Pore Strips,” Irene Adler gets called in to consult on what to do about the fact that they’ve trapped the duke’s infant son in a hot air balloon. At no point is Irene Adler required to have a romantic interest in Sherlock because Jesus have you seen Benedict Cumberbatch’s face, also see earlier re: narcissism. This concept is transferable to Elementary if you prefer.

4. Debra

A talented rising star in the Miami police force begins to realize, via her superior policing instincts, that her adoptive brother is maybe probably a serial killer. She has to struggle with complex moral and ethical conflicts as she deals with this knowledge, and in the meantime does a bunch of badass detective stuff. At no point does she have to be in a relationship with a serial killer or fall in love with her foster brother, because both those storylines are fucked up and unimaginative. Instead, she gets to do detective work that is unrelated to her romantic and personal life, and catches a million serial killers. Her crowning achievement as a detective is when she successfully outwits the What Would You Do For A Klondike Killer, after which she is given the keys to the city and a lifetime supply of Klondike bars. Mariska Hargitay guest stars for that arc, and once it resolves she and Debra go on a cruise together. Season Eight never occurs.

5. Mistress of the House

Dean of Medicine Lisa Cuddy and hot supercompetent openly bisexual doctor “Thirteen” team up to try to control a giant asshole of a doctor who they have to put up with because he occasionally manages to be good at his job despite his overwhelming failure of a personality. In the meantime, they develop a healthy and nuanced female friendship in which they discuss issues related to their careers and inner life and Thirteen’s dating life, which isn’t portrayed as deviant or fetishized, and only occasionally mention House. When Thirteen discovers and cures a previously unheard of disease that causes your liver to consume all the other organs inside the body every time a Gilbert & Sullivan song is played, she is crowned Queen of Doctors. Cuddy adopts a local shelter cat. The two of them run a successful fundraiser to buy Wilson a personality. Every episode ends with Cuddy and Thirteen getting late-night pancakes at a 24-hour diner, rehashing the events of the episode and strengthening their friendship. Thirteen likes chocolate chip pancakes while Cuddy likes plain with blueberry syrup.

Header Image by Rory Midhani

10 Procedural TV Characters I’d Like To See In A Sitcom Or Drama Or Something Like That

We used to watch a lot of Criminal Minds, because we loved the characters so much, but a person can only handle so many “cannibal serial killers being stopped at the very last minute right before the final victim loses their life” before one must assess the impact said insanity and horrifying violence has on one’s life. And although I actually really usually enjoy the Warehouse 13 hijinks, I find myself wanting more — not more hijinks, but more Claudia Donovan. You feel me? (Is this why fan fiction exists? I’ve honestly never read fan fiction, I think I’m afraid that if I did I might want to start writing some and then really all bets are off w/r/t my future.)

Penelope Garcia & Derek Morgan, Criminal Minds

You’re going to learn very quickly that I have a thing for smart geeky girls with weird hair who can find shit using the internet lickity split and whenever said girl is asked “can you find this thing?” replies with some clever variation on “can a [x] do [y]?” So really, I’d love to watch The Garcia Show — ideally a Veronica Mars-ish situation covering Garcia as a teen genius. Alternately, I think we all know that Garcia and Morgan belong together and I would enjoy a quirky sitcom about the pair and their inevitably perfect offspring.

Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife

I mostly enjoyed this show but would prefer it if it was called The Good Kalinda and the amount of time spent on Alicia’s personal life was instead spent on Kalinda’s. In my ideal show, however, we’d reach way back and pull out this woman’s entire life story, starting from the first time she hooked up with a girl while doing badass things at boarding school.

Claudia Donovan, Warehouse 13

Have you noticed that Claudia’s hair is a different color every season? Firstly, I love that she is a person who has been institutionalized for a mental illness and is totally on top of her shit now, being helpful and functional and funneling her eccentricities into an area where they are not seen as eccentricities, but assets. But really she should be headlining a nerdy sitcom with her gay bestie, The Lie Detector, that’ll air the same night on the same network as The Mindy Project or else be one-half of Garcia’s a girl-detective duo on their Veroncia Mars-ish CW dreamscape.

Lydia Adams, Southland

I’ve only caught this show in bits and pieces here and there after Season One, but I got into her so hard back then. Obviously I have a thing for the women who hold it down on shows that are mostly about dudes, but I think she’s brilliant and flawed and nuanced and and I fucking love her. I think she should command a Battlestar or just transfer to Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Olivia Benson, Law and Order SVU

At some point the writers began their weak attempts to fill the void in Benson’s life with Harry Connick Jr, but it never clicked. I’m not sure procedural writers are the best scribes for Olivia Benson’s story. I want an Olivia Benson drama on cable, like on a lady-focused channel because I think she needs the extra-soft sentiment only those channels can execute as flawlessly syrupy as necessary. I wanna see Olivia Benson the day after she graduated from whatever higher education institution she attended. I wanna see her have friends, and have a drink with a lady who she does not work with or maybe have a birthday party or even honestly just GO to a birthday party. I want to see Olivia LIVE.

Dr. Spencer Reid, Criminal Minds

This autistic genius from Criminal Minds should be the Landry-from-Friday-Night-Lights of a really well-written hour-long drama series that Emily Nussbaum likes a lot. Spencer and Garcia are the reason I kept tuning in to the show despite the fact that, as Mandy Patinkin has accurately noted, “I never thought they were going to kill and rape all these women every night, every day, week after week, year after year. It was very destructive to my soul and my personality.” I loved seeing the interactions between these awkward outsiders who were somewhat “apart” due to their genius, but Reid was the most apart of all. I kept thinking, sheesh, I wish your talents were being put to use elsewhere. 

H.G. Wells, Warehouse 13

I feel like her bisexuality is being wasted when they keep bronzing her or killing her or turning her into a hologram or sending her out on some random journey to find a dagger. She should be arm-wrestling Regina from Once Upon a Time or stealing Lauren away from Bo on Lost Girl. Sorry but seriously just think about it.

George Huang, Law & Order Special Victims Unit

I love B.D. Wong in everything, but what if he was dating the gay guy from Warehouse 13 and they went to the Police Officer’s Ball together or something? RIGHT.

Myka Bering & Pete Latitmer, Warehouse 13

You know how there are shows you watch where you ship two of the main female characters so hard and are so frustrated that they’re not actually making sweet love all the time that you don’t even have the brain capacity to appreciate their tender loving friendship? That’s how it must feel to be a straight person watching Pete & Myka. Luckily, I’m totally gay, and fuck I love the friendship between these two! (While wondering if the Myka-H.G. thing was created just to torture people?) As you may have heard, I hate men, but I have a soft spot the size of a mattress for Pete being a total geek and the playful but protective relationship between him and Myka and how they lean so hard on each other. I love it so much that I’d really like to see a show that is 75% real life relationships and family shit and 25% artifact-hunting.

Shout Out to Everyone on The Wire

I could watch a show about anybody on The Wire except McNulty and the weasely mayor, but also I kind of did ’cause even though Wikipedia claims that The Wire is a police procedural, it’s really not. It’s just about life and death in Baltimore and the human beings and institutions who define the nature of that life and death. I feel like Omar needs a comic book. Also, what if Kima Greggs had a show all to herself. LOL a show centered on a black lesbian cop on television! HAHAHAAHA ANY DAY NOW

Who do you wanna see get their own show? I don’t watch CSI, Castle, Bones or any of those shows, but I bet y’all have a lot of feelings about them don’t you.

Sunday Top Ten: My Favorite “Friday Night Lights” Characters

Welcome to the second edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008. 

Today a really important football game is happening on the television. Brittani is liveblogging it, and I’m kinda trying to watch it while doing other work, and honestly the only reason I have the foggiest idea what’s happening on that field is because of Friday Night Lights. Isn’t that the reason that we’re all here? Even if by “we” I just mean “me” and my stuffed dog Tinkerbell? P.S. Obviously Tinkerbell’s favorite character is Tinker.

Before we begin, I’d like to briefly mention that I think Carlotta was really hot and generally the bee’s knees, but I have no idea what she saw in Matt Sereson and generally found that whole storyline a bit strange. So I thought long and hard about including her here but ultimately did not. There were many characters I felt similarly conflicted about. For the record, “The Swede” was not one of those characters, nor was his temporary lady love, the petulant Julie Taylor.

10. Buddy Garrity

Okay — I wouldn’t exactly wanna hang out with Buddy Garrity or have him as a father or a friend. But I think his character was so well-done, and so well acted, and also he really evolved in a meaningful way and was great comic relief. He felt real, you know? He felt really, really real.

9. Bo Miller

I was super depressed when the Tim Riggins / Jackie Miller subplot got killed by Billy Riggins and then I guess totally slaughtered by some force I no longer recall, because I had a strange obsession with how adorable this little kid was and how much he admired Tim Riggins. I’m a sucker for the small-child-brings-out-a-steely-persons-softer-side storyline. The great minds behind The L Word Season Four should’ve dyed this kids hair and cast him as Shane’s little brother Shay instead of that milkshake-spilling kiddo.

Look, you’re never gonna be my boyfriend, but I’m getting real close to declaring you my Lesbro regardless

8. Devin the Lesbian

Remember when there was a lesbian on Friday Night Lights for like two minutes? She was really cute and in a band and took Julie to a lesbian bar. Unfortunately no romance ensued, despite the fact that I think she would’ve been a nice match for Becky Sproles.

7. Vince Howard

Pretty much anything Michael B. Jordan does, I am on board with, with the exception of That Awkward Moment, which I think is about That Awkward Moment when Michael B. Jordan is in a romantic comedy with Zach Efron. I really loved Vince’s evolution as a character and always found the East Dillon storylines more compelling than the first few seasons’ Panthers storylines — I’m not sure if that’s a popular opinion or not. Vince Forever.

6. Corrina Williams

Mhm, Smash Williams’ Mom KNEW THE SCORE in all the ways. I think I would’ve liked Smash a lot more if I didn’t get so upset every time he mouthed off to his perfect best mother of all time. Much like Tami Taylor, Corrina came down hard when she needed to but loved hard, too.

Hey girl, I take up extra space when I sit like this but I don’t give a fuck because I am Tyra fucking Collette, so

5. Tyra Collette

What can I say, I have an endless appreciation for girls over 5’10 who look like they could demolish me at arm wrestling. Also Tyra, like many young FNL characters, often was forced to take on the parental role with her own parent, and that has a way of making a person strong and wise beyond their years. I included Tyra on my list of Ten Badass Yet Toxic Best Friends, noting that even the baddest bad girl can turn it all around with the help of Tami Taylor.

4. Landry Clarke

My girlfriend was worried that I’d have confusing feelings about Landry after his role as an evil motherfucker in Breaking Bad. But nothing can abate my love for Landry because he is a dork and he is funny. Not even murder, duh!

3. Jess Merriweather

I don’t read much about Jess Merriweather when I read about Friday Night Lights because I think she never really got her chance to shine. Her character had so much potential and I appreciated them showing a girl who didn’t just want to watch, but wanted to play — or coach, at least. In the imaginary Jess Merriweather spin-off in my mind she’s coaching an NFL team.

2. Coach Eric Taylor

As I believe I’ve mentioned ~15 times, I hate men, even on television. But I don’t hate Coach Taylor (except for when he wouldn’t fire Coach Mac for being racist and insisted Coach Mac wasn’t racist even though Coach Mac was obviously racist!). Speaking of hate, I always hated football, too — until I heard Coach Taylor describe it, and then I thought it was pretty alright and good for Building Character. Have you seen Academic Coach Taylor? It’s the best tumblr ever.

via academic coach taylor

1. Tami Taylor

FNL  honestly didn’t have a great across-the-board track record for its female characters, yet they still managed to create the best female character ever of all time in Tami Taylor. In addition to being smokin’ hot, Tami Taylor also possessed smarts, sass, strength and loyalty in spades and took a feminist stand against prioritizing her husband’s career at Season Five’s end. She encouraged her students to thrive and believed fiercely in their potential. She drinks a lot of wine. She balances a healthy skepticism of football’s centrality to her local culture with undying support of her husband and the boys he coached. Tami and Eric have the best marriage I’ve ever seen on television.  Also, one of her daughters is a self-centered insolent bitch and the other is maybe an devil alien, and she seemed to handle that pretty well. 

Who were your favorites?

Autostraddle’s Favorite LGBT TV Characters Of 2013

It’s been a groundbreaking and occasionally disappointing year of television for the queer lady contingent. On the one hand, we were gifted with Netflix’s Orange is The New Black, which features more LGBT women than any American program since The L Word, as well as the most racially and generationally diverse cast of women in recent memory. We got The Fosters, a triumphant departure from traditional coming-of-age lesbian narratives with its nuanced portrayal of lesbian parenthood. We got a bunch of queers on non-US programs like Lost Girl, Orphan Black and Wentworth. We were surprised to get some minor lesbian characters on shows like The Killing, The Walking Dead and Masters of Sex, as well as on misogynistic horrific programs like Ray Donovan and Two and a Half Men. Meanwhile, shows like True Blood and Grey’s Anatomy basically maintained their queer lady characters’ status quo. But we also saw queer female characters mistreated, ignored, killed or written out on Mistresses, Under the Dome, Defiance, Once Upon a Time, Chicago Fire, The Good Wife and Skins Fire. Prominent lesbian storylines on Glee and Pretty Little Liars had their moments but often took an unfortunate backseat to hetero necking.

It was a year of many ups and downs! So we gathered some of our most prolific teevee watchers to share their personal favorite characters of the season.

Kate, Contributing Editor

Recaps: Orange is the New Black and Once Upon a Time, formerly Bomb Girls

Betty McCrae (Ali Liebert), Bomb Girls 

Betty McCrae of Bomb Girls is number one lesbian of my heart, top of the tops, my gay sister from another mister, etc. I think she’s the best lesbian on television but psh who am I to talk? My bias is already showing. I have such strong and intense feelings for her that it often caused my recaps to devolve into keyboard smashing and gifs of children crying. 2013 was the year of Betty McCrae finally getting laid and going to jail so the woman she loves has a shot at a normal and happy life. We all cried about it, we’re probably still crying about it. What I love about Betty is everything, but if I had to give concrete reasons, I’d probably talk about her unapologetic confidence, how she thinks with her heart and her gut and rarely anything else, and the fact that she appears in a period drama where the hard truth of her sexuality is handled realistically and endearingly. I will root for her no matter what. I am her cheerleader now and forever. I wish she was real and lived in my time period so I could be her co-conspirator in everything she does. I wish she wasn’t going to probably die early and miserably as a result of all the hazardous chemicals she and the other characters are constantly being exposed to in the factory. I have a lot of feelings about Betty McCrae. I think she’s the best, I really do.

Franky Doyle (Nicole da Silva), Wentworth 

Franky Fucking Doyle, ladies and gentlehomos. Oh, Wentworth, you pushed all my buttons this year and oh man were those buttons ever right. If you thought Shane was too soft and easy-going, let me introduce you to Nicole da Silva’s portrayal of the inmate who could beat the shit out of Alex Vause any day of the week. Franky’s far from perfect, and she’s all kinds of trouble, but the sexual tension between her and the warden is maddeningly thick. I’m so stupidly into it and Franky is so stupidly amazing.

The entire cast of Orange Is The New Black

Everyone on Orange is The New Black, basically. I couldn’t pick one, so I just picked everyone. You have your favorites, I’m sure, because maybe you were like me and your little butch heart felt just a little more validated every time Big Boo was onscreen. Or maybe you’re obsessed with Poussey because you have a pulse, or maybe it was all about Nicky or maybe “Crazy Eyes” is crazy amazing or maybe you just want Alex to sex you up, I don’t know. But the queer ladies of Orange is the New Black were a huge deal this year for a lot of reasons, and I know a heck of a lot of you have a special place in your heart for this show and its cast.

Riese, Television Editor

Recaps: Glee, formerly The L Word franchise, Pretty Little Liars and Skins

Betty DiMello (Annaleigh Ashford), Masters of Sex 

I came for the lesbian sex worker and Janis Ian, I stayed for Margaret Scully and Dr. Lillian DePaul, and I gouged out my own eyeballs in honor of William Masters. Although she vanished into the Lesbian Netherworld after Episode Three, I had high hopes and great affections for Betty and her friends at the brothel — let’s just say I have a special relationship with that whole universe and it was so cool to see it portrayed on screen in a different era. The show seems relatively committed to exploring the different ways in which women of the era accessed (or didn’t) independence and mobility in, and that’s an investigation that, in my opinion, benefits greatly from the inclusion of female sex workers. Here’s hoping that Season Two features a lot more Betty and hopefully William Masters dying of some terrible plague so I never have to listen to his boring egotistical nonsense or look at his stupid weasel face again.

Bo (Anna Silk), Lost Girl

There’s lots to hate about Lost Girl, but its portrayal of bisexuality isn’t one of them — and I’d argue it’s the best portrayal of a bisexual female in the history of television. It’s amazing, episode after episode, to see no privileging of male-female relationships over female-female ones, no wrought-out discussions of which gender she prefers, and no shying away from serious girl-on-girl action. That being said, as I wrote in I Just Now Saw, I was devastated to see the Lauren-Bo union in Season Three transform from the sexually electrifying and emotionally complex coupling we’d fallen for and replaced by the standard media depiction of lesbian relationships as tedious, passionless and high on emotional processing. They got off to a good start — those early-season sex scenes, for example — but as Season Three prodded on I was repeatedly frustrated by how intensely it seemed the show wanted us to favor Bo and Dyson.

But then Season Four happened, and Bo and Lauren reunited, The Morrigan made a scissoring joke, and Bo got drugged by Vex and said ten million adorable things about getting back together with Lauren. This “getting back together” situation turned out to be short-lived, but at least the lesbian sex train hasn’t slowed down this season (thank you Ali Liebert, Professional Gay) and last week we were treated to Bo and Lauren hooking up in period costumes! Bo makes the best Robin Hood EVER, y’all.

But honestly my favorite think about this character isn’t who she sleeps with: it’s who she doesn’t. The most important relationship in Bo’s life is, undoubtedly, her relationship with her best friend Kenzi. I imagine they’ve got passionate ‘shippers out there, but I prefer them as besties. I think it really speaks to the concept of “chosen family’ and an increasing cultural trend amongst young women to privilege their female friendships above boyfriends, girlfriends, and even blood relations, and we don’t see enough of that on television.

Suzanne Warren (Uzo Aduba), Orange is The New Black

Orange is The New Black is awesome for so many reasons and Suzanne manages to encompass just about all of them:

1. Gay.
2. Woman of color.
3. Evolves far beyond the initial stereotype she seems to be.
4. She’s more than just her background/circumstances— she’s determined to independently manage her mental illness within an unfriendly institutional system.
5. Her storyline consistently surprises the audience and bucks expectations.
6. Brilliant.
7. FUNNY AS HELL

Also I cheated the system and got my hands on some sides for Season Two, and I’m super-excited for all the fleshing out of her character we’re gonna see next year! But really can we just see Sue do Shakespeare forever? I would really appreciate that.

Mey, Contributing Editor

Sophia Burset (Laverne Cox), Orange is The New Black

In a lot of ways I feel like Sophia Burset is the TV character I’ve been waiting for my entire life. She’s a trans woman of color who’s in a relationship with another woman, she’s played by an actual trans actress (and a super talented one at that), she’s on a show all about women, and in a cast filled with powerful performances and brilliant characters she stands out as the breakout star. Before Sophia, the only place I could regularly watch a trans woman of color on a fictional TV show was Glee, and I think we all know how absurdly problematic their treatment of Unique is.

With Sophia it’s different. Laverne Cox fills her performance with so much reality and life that Sophia is instantly one of the most sympathetic and likable characters on a show filled with women that you can’t help but feel for and root for. Although we do see some of the regular tropes, for instance other characters misgender her and a lot of jokes are made about her genitals, she is anything but a one dimensional character. She has complicated relationships with her wife, her son, Piper and later on Sister Ingalls, and these relationships are filled with moments that range from being hilarious, to touching, to downright intense. She sends the viewer on a trip through every imaginable emotion. Seeing what happens when she bumps into an old coworker when out shopping with her son devastated me. Watching her cleverly figure out a way to get a visit to the doctor so that she can get her much need hormones made me laugh and cheer.

One of my favorite moments comes when Sophia is early in her transition and she’s still getting a hang on the way she wants to dress. Her first outfit is a bit immature for her, to say the least, but when her wife picks out a dress for her and Sophia gets a look at herself in the mirror, a shift takes place. She says, “Holy shit, I look hot,” and you can tell that for the first time she really feels it. As a trans woman I don’t think I’ve ever related to a TV moment more than that one. Sophia is gorgeous, smart, funny, driven and strong. She knows what she wants and what she deserves, and she’s willing to fight to get it.

She’s not a there to be comic relief, but she has some of the funniest lines in the show. Aside from all of this, her character points out a very real issue that trans women (mainly trans women of color) face. The American prison system is impossibly stacked against trans women. Whether it’s access to hormones, safe living environments, protection from harassment or even just getting to stay in a women’s prison as opposed to a men’s one, trans women are struggling. Thanks to Sophia Burset (and Laverne Cox who has appeared many times outside the show advocating for trans women’s rights) people are starting to pay attention to a group of women who are often forgotten and ignored. This is a a character who isn’t just changing TV, she’s helping to change the lives and livelihoods of women in the real world.

Ms. Hudson (Candis Cayne), Elementary

If you’re not familiar with Elementary it’s sort of like an American version of the BBC’s Sherlock except Watson is played by the incredible Lucy Liu (several other prominent characters are people of color as well), Sherlock isn’t a total jerk and Moriarty is a woman. Oh, and also Miss Hudson, whom Sherlock Holmes fans will recognize from the original books as Holmes’ landlady is a trans woman played by a trans actress. It’s kind of a shame, but instances where trans characters are played by trans actors and actresses are still few and far between. So when I heard that actress Candis Cayne was going to be playing a character on one of my favorite shows I was overjoyed. When her character was treated with respect and had a storyline that didn’t resolve around her transition or her being violently murdered because of her trans status I was elated.

Miss Hudson appeared in just one episode, episode 19 of the first season, titled “Snow Angels,” and wasn’t even necessarily the main focus of the episode. Perhaps that’s part of what makes her so remarkable. She seems like such a casual part of the universe, she’s just another person in Sherlock’s life, not a character whose entire existence revolves around her being trans or who is there to shock viewers and ramp up ratings. Her trans status is brought up only once, by Watson when she’s asking Sherlock who their new temporary roommate is. Unlike most trans characters on TV, Miss Hudson has a surplus of interesting qualities aside from her transness. According to Holmes, she’s an expert in Ancient Greek, an autodidact, someone who’s helped him solve cases in England and a woman who works as a “muse” for powerful men who need inspiration. She’s charming and helpful (she arranges Sherlock’s books in order of “academic rigor”), she has a rich and full love life and she gives Watson a female friend to talk to.

Her first appearance was fun, but altogether too short. Since the episode ends with her being invited to clean Holmes and Watson’s house on a biweekly basis, we’ll hopefully be seeing her again very soon.

Chelsea, Writer

Recaps: American Horror Story

Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling), Orange is the New Black 

Piper Chapman, the over-privileged protagonist of Orange is the New Black, was met with a chorus of eyeball rolls when she first appeared. Many viewers found her unlikeable and uninteresting. Even OINTB creator Jenji Kohan admitted that Piper’s whiteness and blondeness was a Trojan horse she used to sneak in stories of women of color, of queer women… stories she couldn’t get financing for otherwise. But also, in my opinion, Piper Chapman is one of the (fuck it, IS) the most nuanced portrayal of a bisexual woman on television. Ever. Most shows with bisexual characters frame their queer relationships as experimental, a pit stop on the road to eventually “finding the right guy.” In OITNB, Piper has deep, meaningful relationships with both Larry and Alex — neither are a fling or an experiment or a drunken hook-up that is quickly explained away so as not to alienate a mostly straight audience. Each relationship holds tremendous emotional weight for Piper, which is why it is so gut-wrenching when (Spoiler Alert!) she loses them both. Many people take issue with the fact that Piper doesn’t identify herself as bisexual, calling herself a “former lesbian” and describing sex on the Kinsey scale. But if actions speak louder than words, then Piper Chapman is the de facto bisexual character we’ve all been waiting for. Bitches gots to learn indeed.

Pam Swynford De Beaufort (Kristin Bauer van Straten) and Tara Thornton (Rutina Wesley), True Blood

Hey, remember in the summer of 2012 when Tara and Pam hooked up in the True Blood season finale and we all thought, “Finally! A lesbian relationship on what is arguably the gayest show to ever exist?” And then remember last summer when they proceeded to give us NO STORYLINES OR ACKNOWLEDGMENT that they were a couple? What the hot interracial relationship lesbian vampire fuck happened?! So they had time to devote a whole storyline to Andy Bellefleur’s fairy children and give Terry Bellefleur a fucking story arc, but nothing for the two most interesting women on the show? (sorry Sookie) This is almost as bad as the season where Tara became a lesbian cage fighter and then suddenly wasn’t anymore. Can’t wait to tune in this summer, when Pam spends the entire season taking a nap and Arlene’s kids get their own full-fledged storyline.

Every Character on American Horror Story

Coming off of season two of American Horror Story, which gave us the lesbian lead character Lana Winters, I was confident that this season would bring even more queer content. I mean, it’s got queer actresses, boarding school, and witches! Fucking witches, y’all! How could this not be supergay? Well, in classic Ryan Murphy fashion, he built up our expectations so high and then ceased to deliver on anything we wanted to see. Don’t get me wrong, I am loving this season so far; it is a festival of batshittery and nonsense. This will always be remembered as the season that gave us Kathy Bates’s head on a silver platter…LITERALLY. I just wish more ladies were making out with each other’s faces. We did get Zoe and Madison in a zombie threesome with FrankenKyle, so I guess that’s something? Here’s hoping that in the remaining four episodes we get to see Cordelia’s sex life resurrected by Misty Day. And now that the coven is teamed up with Marie Laveau, anything can happen. A girl can dream, right?

Lizz, Fashion/Style Editor

Recaps: Pretty Little Liars

Shana (Aeriél Miranda), Pretty Little Liars

I ship Paige and Emily just as hard as any true Pretty Little Liars fan, but this season was all about Shana. Shana, played by Aériel Miranda, appeared this January during Season 3b and, unlike maybe peripheral lesbians before her, did not disappear into obscurity during Season 4a. Instead she became an integral part of the fucked up ass backwards complexity that is this TV show.

For once Pretty Little Liars brings us a troublemaking dyke with a wicked fun personality. Sure, Samara was nice, Maya was crazy and Paige is both nice and crazy. But Shana? Shana is an evil, calculating, cold naturally born winner. Shana is hard as hell and out to kill. Plus, between crushing on Jenna and her summer fling with Paige, Shana brings the show some much needed dyke drama. Nothing on Pretty Little Liars was quite as unbelievable as the idea that every lesbian in the greater Rosewood area was there to date Emily. Or that they would never stir up drama.

Plus remember that time she met Missy Franklin and in the middle of all the A drama took the time to make sure Emily met her too!

Dani (Demi Lovato), Glee

Is it just me or is Demi Lovato playing a lesbian on Glee a Big Deal?! It’s like one day Demi Lovato woke up and was like, “I guess since I’m not on the Disney Channel anymore I should just go back on TV as a raging lesbotron.” I approve. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a celebrity guest.

It was really disappointing that Dani’s debut came with a truckload of biphobic comments — this is a Ryan Murphy production, after all. But that aside, Dani might be the most realistic depiction of a young lesbian on TV ever. She works a shitty job in New York City, is uncomfortably committed to carrying her guitar everywhere, dyes her hair the most unfortunate colors and has basically already moved into her girlfriend’s apartment in Bushwick. Plus the lesbian bed death of she and Santana’s relationship has already set in hard and fast. The two shared one quick kiss and then seem to have fallen into just playing scrabble and knitting every night.

Anne (Julie White), Go On

I’m one of the few people on the planet who was really crazy about Go On. I don’t know if it was some bizarre unrealized long-term love for Friends or just a general commitment to dark death comedy, but I really really like Go On. Plus I fucking love Anne, the lesbian widow.

Anne gives us curt, humorous picture of a lesbian window in finally recovering from grief. We’re so often subjected to the repeated and prolonged image of two gay people finally finding true love forever and ever (see: Kurt and Blaine) but lately we’ve been missing what happens when that love ends. I hate to break it to you guys, but one person usually has to die first. Then what? What when instead of being the teenage Emily/Santanas of the world — or for that matter the thirty-something Shane/Alex Vause— you’re middled aged, heart broken and you have two kids who just lost their mom.

This year brought us some of Anne’s best moments. Quick-witted as ever, she got a cute young girlfriend and even gets propositioned by Courteney Cox. We finally got to see her make real steps towards reconciling the grief she felt towards her late wife and attracted towards new women. Unfortunately, like all Matthew Perry shows, Go On got canceled and with that, the end of Anne. But she was awesome while it lasted.

Vikki

Recaps: The Fosters

Stef Foster (Teri Polo) & Lena Foster (Sherri Saum), The Fosters

Once upon a time, ABC Family made a TV show called The Fosters with hot lesbian moms as the main characters and then actually showed them parenting! Stef and Lena are the even-keeled parents every kid would love to have but, more importantly, they are the loving, adorable couple that most lady-lovin’ ladies want to see onscreen. As much as I complained about the lack of sexy times and passion, the relationship between Stef and Lena is shown as deep, beautiful and imperfect. They snap at each other and argue and then tease each other and make jokes and all of that makes it seem so real. They seem like people we might actually know. Sometimes, they seem like people we might be. The honest depiction of family life is a victory for visibility. And the show gets bonus points for Stef and her cop uniform and Lena and her annoyed facial expressions which are always perfect.

In conclusion, we’d like to give an honorable mention to Caleb on Pretty Little Liars, the first lesbian on ABC Family to get their very own spinoff!

Who were your favorite queer TV characters of 2013?

14 Actresses I Want To See On “American Horror Story” In 2014

Now that the third season of American Horror Story is coming to close, the time has come to speculate wildly about the upcoming season! The fourth season will be Jessica Lange’s last, which has many fans upset about future seasons. Would it really be AHS without Lange? There’s no doubt that she makes the series 100% worth watching, but AHS attracts a staggering collection of talented actresses. This season alone has brought us Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, and Patti LuPone, in addition to repertory players Lily Rabe, Sarah Paulson, and Taissa Farmiga. And an upcoming appearance by the grandest of all Supremes, Steve Fucking Nicks! So for your consideration, here’s my fantasy wish (witch?) list of actresses for season four, along with the characters they could play. Enjoy!

1. Faye Dunaway

Faye Dunaway is an Academy award winning actress who appeared in such classic films as Network, Chinatown, and Bonnie and Clyde. But you might remember her best as Joan Crawford in the camp classic Mommie Dearest. Faye Dunaway would be a match made in AHS, if only for that bananas outfit she’s wearing in this photo.

Character She’d Play:
Evangeline St. Simmonds, grand dame matriarch of the Lizzy Borden Fellowship of Female Axe Murderers. Or the character she played in that terrible Supergirl movie.

2. Lindsay Lohan

The Lindsay Lohan comeback is here, and I am so fucking ready for it. Now that she’s sober and seemingly getting her life together, Lindsay would make a great addition to the show. Plus, she’s well versed in both comedy (Mean Girls) and horror (I Know Who Killed Me). I mean, Emma Roberts is essentially playing Lohan this season, so why not cut out the middle man and have Lohan play a hilarious send-up of herself?

Character She’d Play:
Alyssa Avonlea, B-movie star and succubus who feasts on the souls of her co-stars.

3. Illeana Douglas

Illeana Douglas is a great character actress you may recognize from Six Feet Under, To Die For, and Ghost World, where she played the crazy art teacher we’ve all had. Her acting chops and her penchant for playing unusual characters makes her a solid choice for AHS.

Character She’d Play:
Brendolyn Sugars, a small town real estate agent trying to sell a McMansion that was built on a Native American burial ground.

4. Angelica Huston

This woman was Morticia Addams! In addition to great performances in Witches, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Ever After, Huston would blow the fucking roof off this show. The whole time she was on Smash, I was like, “lady you can do so much better!” Although is AHS really a step up? Debatable.

Character She’d Play:
Coquille St. Jaques, a Parisienne witch with an eye patch and an addiction to the Home Shopping Network.

5. Winona Ryder

Winona Ryder was the poster child of the 90’s with performances in Heathers, Reality Bites, and Girl, Interrupted. Her long history of working with Tim Burton means she is no stranger to creepy or campy. I think we can agree that Lydia Deetz would have loved AHS…ironically of course.

Character She’d Play:
Fernestine Gilroy, a cobbler’s daughter born with wooden feet who is plucked from a Yeshiva and becomes a world famous wooden foot model.

6. Grace Jones

Grace Jones was Gaga before Gaga ever existed. Her style and gender expression influenced a generation of performers. She’s a singer, dancer, and actress, appearing in Conan the Destroyer and playing a Bond girl in A View To A Kill. Also, she is 65 and looks crazy amazing. Grace Jones for President, y’all.

Character She’d Play:
Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons… and owner of a chain of Dave n’ Buster’s outside of Tucson.

7. Lucy Lawless

You know this New Zealand native best as Xena: Warrior Princess, but did you know she’s also an accomplished singer and performer? She’s also appeared in Battlestar Galactica, The L Word, and Spartacus, where she camped it up to high heaven as a wealthy Roman. Lucy Lawless brings nothing but good things into the world.

Character She’d Play:
Raven Aloysius, famed mystic/necromancer/roller derby team captain.

8. Rosario Dawson

Dawson is a fearless actress who you may remember from Kids, Sin City, Death Proof, and who you’d like to forget was in Rent. She can sing, she can dance, she can punch people in the face. What more do you want in an AHS heroine?

Character She’d Play:
Nectresse Almondine, a shape-shifting IRS agent with a penchant for chocolate-dipped beetles.

9. Kristin Chenoweth

Kristin Chenoweth is an American treasure. The Broadway star originated the role of Glinda in Wicked, and she’s done unforgettable stints on Glee, The West Wing, and Pushing Daisies. Plus I saw her at a gay fundraiser in LA and she took photos with me even though I was excessively drunk and may or may not have been singing “Defying Gravity” to her.

Character She’d Play:
Felicity Flaxx, a peppy cheerleading mom who commits ritual human sacrifices to get her daughter to the top of the cheer pyramid (her daughter will be played by Jamie Brewer).

10. Rita Moreno

At 82, she would be the oldest actress on AHS, but she is a flawless human being. A star of stage and screen, Moreno won an Academy award for her portrayal of Anita in West Side Story, and went on to become the only Latina EGOT winner in history. All of the snaps for Rita Moreno. All of them.

Character She’d Play:
Alessandra Villalobos, the charismatic leader of a werewolf cult in Taos, New Mexico.

11. Sandra Oh

Now that she’s leaving Grey’s Anatomy, Sandra Oh could use a change of pace. This prolific actress has made her career playing ballsy, acerbic, intelligent women. And maybe she’d finally get a love interest after spending ten seasons pining after Meredith Grey (they’re in love, right? I don’t watch the show, but that is what Tumblr has led me to believe.)

Character She’d Play:
Olivia Huang, a paranormal investigator with OCD, a tail, and photographic knowledge of the Talmud.

12. Linda Hunt

Linda Hunt currently appears on NCIS: Los Angeles, but she rose to fame with her Academy award-winning gender bending performance in The Year of Living Dangerously. If you don’t recognize the name, you may recognize her voice from a variety of different animated and documentary films. The out actress is also rumored to be the real life inspiration for the character of Edna Mode in The Incredibles.

Character She’d Play:
Dr. Beatrix Saroksian, Egyptian archeologist embroiled in a love affair with a 5,000 year old mummy queen.

13. Pam Grier

Pam Grier became famous through Blaxploitation cinema, playing iconic characters Coffy and Foxy Brown. She has also appeared in Jackie Brown and The L Word, where I’m pretty sure her dialogue consisted of the words “baby girl” in every possible iteration. The fabulous Miss Grier deserves much better.

Character She’d Play:
Artemis Hollandaise, America’s first female vampire president.

14. Shannen Doherty

Shannen Doherty is the baddest bitch to ever grace a television screen, so isn’t it fitting that she takes her rightful place alongside all the AHS divas? Known for her work on Beverly Hills 90210 and Charmed, and even more known for crazy antics offstage, Doherty seems like an obvious choice for American Horror Story. Get on it, Ryan Murphy!

Character She’d Play:
The reanimated corpse of Brenda Walsh

Who would you like to see on AHS next season? Are you as excited for the Stevie Nicks episode as I am? What the fuck am I going to watch once this show is finished?

11 TV Shows That Were Too Good To Last

If you search online for the great canceled TV shows, you’ll see a lot of mine and your favorites: Firefly, Freaks & Geeks, Everwood, Twin Peaks, Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies and of course My So-Called Life. There are so many fabulous short-lived titans of quality out there, though. Here are a few names you might not find familiar, but are worth familiarizing yourself with.

Profit

“When you want someone to love you, open your heart. When you want someone obsessed with you, close it.” – Jim Profit

Some shows are special because they teach us how to better live our lives. Some shows are special because pretty women and high Bechdel Test scores and things. Profit is special because it is evil. Not in the wishy washy Soprano’s or Dexter evil, where they’re “kinda sorta good and/or well-meaning.” I mean evil-evil, I mean if they ran a Chili’s they would serve baby back ribs made from actual babies.

Adrian Pasdar stars as Jim “Wants To Watch The World Burn” Profit, a sociopath with eyes on climbing the corporate ladder at any cost. While he’s not above murder, it’s his mind that’s his scariest asset. Not only do his plots-within-plots scratch the ears of the sadistic kitten in all of us, but he also has a mesmerizing way of talking to the audience before going to bed at night, offering anti-Aesops like the quote above in an effort to teach us his worldview. It was canceled after scores of viewers in the Bible Belt called in to protest a show about “Satan in a suit,” and so while Profit may not have been for the faint of heart it was for the lover of writing. For dark and smart television aficionados I have got just the mad man for you.

Way to watch: Buy on Amazon or rent on Netflix.

United States of Tara

Tara: “What are you putting everywhere?”
Dr. Hattaras: “Rat traps.”
Tara: “What? I don’t wanna know there are rats in here!”
Dr. Hattaras: “Then don’t think of them as rat traps. Think of them as mice traps or rabbit traps or…or kitten traps. When the kittens eat the bacon, this bit will just come over and stroke its back, and they will live forever.”

If the 2009 Emmy’s had decided to give Toni Collette five Best Actress awards for each of her many personalities, I can’t imagine anyone blaming the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. Created, written and produced by Diablo Cody (Juno), it is purely perfect dysfunctional family comedy. Starring Ms. Collette as Tara, this married mother of two struggles to handle the many women (and men) inside her head that want to come out and dance in her meat suit. Couldn’t be as perfect as it is without a fabulous ensemble cast in the form of her family. Banter of the highest order found herein, this show is a giver of gloriously shit-eating grins. Bonus: if you’re like me and get vicarious embarrassment for on-screen awkwardness, prepare to hide under your blanket a lot.

Way to watch: Buy on Amazon or stream or rent on Netflix.

Drive

If you’re a fan of canceled TV, whether you know it or not you’re a fan of Joss Whedon co-conspirator Tim Minear. @CancelledAgain on Twitter, he has served as executive producer and writer on a number of exceptionally well-constructed shows that were critical and/or geek darlings but were unable to find a lasting audience. You may recognize some: Firefly, Angel, Terriers, Dollhouse, Wonderfalls, The Chicago Code, The Inside. One such show is Drive, about dozens of strangers thrust into an illegal cross country road race for $32 million, or in some cases their heart’s desire. Nathan Fillion and Emma Stone were definitely compelling notches in its belt, but brass tacks: it’s fun. Action series are so hard to do right in television because of budget constraints, but visually and viscerally Drive manages to deliver the distilled joy of the Fast & Furious franchise without stepping too hard in an angst cow pie. So if you’ve ever wanted to see Firefly’s writing chocolate in Top Gear’s peanut butter, then welcome home.

Way to watch: Stream on Amazon.

Brimstone

Ezekiel Stone, a name for whom his parents should receive a citation for practically cursing their child to be a hardboiled detective, died and was damned to Hell for killing the man who raped his wife. Stone is returned to Earth by the Devil when 113 damned souls escape, tasked with executing each of them in exchange for a clean slate and a second chance at life. Immediately stands out for its saturated visual style and being sweet and hopeful despite painting with wide cynical brushstrokes. I think if Brimstone had come out now during our current buzz for fantasy action series it would have lasted a lot longer.

Way to watch: YouTube.

Journeyman

Livia: “You don’t even seem like Katie’s type.”
Dan: “What’s her type?”
Livia: “I don’t know; Jack’s a cop — edgy commitment-phobic, a bad boy — you’re not.”
Dan: “I’m a recovering gambling addict who travels through time — I have some things going for me.”

A Quantum Leap-esque series about a man pulled against his will through time and space to help people, Journeyman does sci-fi right and strives for one better, a strong romance. Watch the first episode, “A Love of a Lifetime.” By 3/4 of the way in you’ll be sold on the notion that lead Dan and his wife Katie are doomed, and by 4/4 you believe again in the indomitable power of love to conquer all. This is the show’s greatest strength, and perhaps too its greatest failing in maintaining a mainstream audience: it’s so hard. Dan and Katie and everyone fight so hard to be happy over the course of an episode’s 44 minutes that by the time they find some sliver of joy at episode’s end you, my friend, are emotionally drained. But for those willing to take the plunge, Journeyman pays back in dividends for your time.

Way to watch: Hulu.

Jack & Bobby

“Is sarcasm your only mode now, Jack? I mean, I know you’re only a teenager but it might be time to mix things up a bit.”-Grace McCallister (played by the always excellent Christine Lahti)

This is a show for people who like teen dramas but need equal time given to check-ins with the adult population, ala Everwood. Add an extra star to your mental score if you also crave a little of The West Wing’s starry-eyed political musing. Centered around two brothers, one of whom will become President of the United States in the year 2040, J&B intersperses decisions the brothers make in real-time with political commentary from friends, running mates, competitors and pundits in the future, monologuing about how a choice in their youth affected political motivations in their adulthood. It’s weird, right? But it’s also the kind of brilliant genre-meshing I think we would all benefit, intellectually, from seeing more of.

Way to watch: Stream on Amazon or rent from Netflix.

5 New TV Characters I’ve Decided Are Gay

By now we’ve all seen the reports that TV is a little less gay this season than it was last fall or this summer. That’s never stopped me from looking for potential lesbian or bisexual characters before and it won’t stop me now. It’s so early on in these shows, we don’t know enough about them to know for sure how they identify. Instead of doing what the heteronormative world does and assume they’re straight, I’m going to assume they’re queer. This is a list of the new queer women on primetime television (until proven otherwise).

Stephanie Beatriz as Detective Rosa Diaz
Brooklyn 99

She’s grumpy, short-tempered, wears a lot of leather, loves movies, and is a total badass. Maybe the reason Gina Linetti doesn’t want her to go out with Det. Boyle is because she wants her alllll to herself. Crossing my fingers for some intra-office romance. If not at work, then maybe Diaz can find a geeky Genius Bar worker to help with her computer troubles.

Nicole Beharie as Lt. Abbie Mills
Sleepy Hollow

She’s smart, trustworthy, and willing to stick her neck out for what she believes in (even when it makes her look insane). She claims to have broken up with her ex because she was headed to Quantico, but from the way she looked at him, there certainly aren’t feelings there anymore. I’m sure she’s never been headless (wink wink) and once she gets a break from preventing the apocalypse, maybe she’ll hit the local diner with a cutie and share a slice of apple pie.

Maggie Lawson as Terry Gannon, Jr.
Back in the Game

Junior likes scotch, rocks the power blazer, and was an ALL-AMERICAN SOFTBALL PLAYER. I’m thinking she realized a few years into her marriage that she was playing for the wrong team and called the whole thing off.

Ming-Na Wen as Melinda May
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Agent May is stubborn as they come but still does what’s best for the team. We know that she doesn’t like to be out in the field but we don’t know why. Probably because her partner sends her 50 worried texts a day and the only scratches she find acceptable are the ones from the kittens they foster together in their downtown loft.

Spencer Grammar as Holly
Ironside

Holly is part of Ironside’s hand picked team. Boots, hoodie, leather jacket, scarf, tank top…she’s squeezed more gay outfits into one episode of television than Lizz does into a month of posts. We’ve got another badass alert because she’s the one that gets things done without hesitancy or badgering from the boss. Some would even say she’s his right hand lesbian.

What new characters have you decided are queer? And what’s the over/under on how many episodes it takes these shows to throw in some superfluous storyline that shuts down our queer theories?

A Gay Girl’s Guide To Fall 2013 Television

It’s been a delightful summer for fans of girl-on-girl television: we had returning lezzers on Pretty Little Liars and True Blood, brand-new lezzers on The Fosters, a lesbian clone on Orphan Black, a gay extravaganza on Orange is the New Black and bit parts for queer characters on The Killing, Ray Donovan and Mistresses. Unfortunately, the fall television landscape pales in comparison when it comes to lady-lovers.

We’ve got a lot of lady-fronted projects, though, although whether or not they’ll be any good remains to be seen.

Fall 2013 Television: Here’s What’s Going On

Sundays

The Good Wife

CBS, 9:00 PM
Premieres September 29th

It’s The Good Wife’s fifth season, and everybody’s wondering what’ll happen next for Alicia and Cary’s plan to ditch Lockhart/Gardner and start their own firm. Others are wondering what’ll happen next for Kalinda w/r/t making out with girls — and there’s good news on that front! Juliet Rylance is joining the Season Five cast as Kalinda’s new love interest Holly, “a whip-smart Assistant State’s Attorney who shares a past with Kalinda.” Also of interest to women who love bossy women: Stockard Channing will reprise her role as Alicia’s Mom.

http://youtu.be/jo_UZh-YPU0

NEW! The Masters of Sex

Showtime, 10:00 PM
premieres September 29th

It’s the story of a lovely lady who was associated with a very lovely man, and the two of them decided to start doing human sexuality research, and that’s how they became The Masters of Sex! Based on the true story of sex research pioneers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, this show stars Lizzy Caplan as Virginia, “a club singer-turned-orgasm-expert.” History! Sex! Women’s sexuality! Feminism!

http://youtu.be/JqwahKjI2bg

Our Verdict: Lizzy Caplan, women’s history, and sex research? We’re in.

NEW! The Witches of East End

Lifetime, Sundays, 10 PM
premieres October 6th

Based on the books by Melissa de la Cruz (I assumed it was based on The Witches of Eastwick, but I guess I’m behind the times), The Washington Post gives this lady-laden program a “C,” describing it as “it’s almost as if “True Blood” tried to conceive a demon baby with “Bunheads.” Seems about right.

Our Verdict: Will almost definitely be terrible.

Mondays

NEW! Mom

CBS, 9:30 PM
premieres September 23

We’re supposed to be really pumped about this show, because it stars Anna Faris, and Anna Faris is a lady. It also features Alison Janey, and we all love Alison Janey. But every time that laugh track elbows its way into my earspace, I ask myself, “is this show really for me? Or is it for people who aren’t total bitches and therefore can tolerate laugh tracks?”

The premise is that Anna Faris’s character, Christy, is a newly-sober single mom of two, and her mother (played by Janey) is a recovering alcoholic, and Christy is dating her boss at the restaurant where she waits tables. Also her teenage daughter is rebellious. The New York Times admits that Mom is both “wittier and sweeter” than the new FOX show Dads (a Seth McFarlane production that follows two Dads who move in with their sons) as well as “genuinely provocative.” Why is this show so much better than Dads? “Moms behaving badly aren’t a new thing, but on a prime time show, it still feels a little transgressive. Men who act like boys, on the other hand, are so familiar that they’re almost retro.” There you have it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlVG3EY35os

Our Verdict: This really could go either way.

NEW! Hostages

CBS, 10:00 PM
premieres September 30

This show seems expensive. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and billed as a “high-octane suspense drama,” it’s on my radar ’cause Toni Collette is involved, playing a “premiere surgeon thrust into a chilling political conspiracy when her family is taken hostage by rogue FBI Agent Duncan Carlisle.” The L.A. Times marks the show as CBS’s bid to do drama like cable does drama, with “dark, character-driven entertainment,” quoting executive producer, writer and director Jeffrey Nachmanoff describing the show as “Downton Abbey meets 24.”

http://youtu.be/3zMy9Xd6txg

Our Verdict: Expect a carefully constructed television program that will grab you whether you want it to or not. Much like a hostage-taker! Hahahahaha.

Tuesdays

NEW! Lucky 7

ABC, 10:00 PM
premieres September 24th

Seven co-workers at a Queens gas station play the lottery every week and then one day they win and then their lives turn upside-down! If you’ve been missing sweet sweet Vera Burr from Bomb Girls, you’ll be excited to reunite with actress Anastasia Phillips in Lucky 7 — she plays single Mom Leanne Maxwell. The Washington Post says “it’s basically a caper disguised as a drama, and we could use a caper on prime-time TV.” Isiah Witlock Jr. from The Wire also stars.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKZifrUKXJk

Our Verdict: Initial reviews are relatively strong, and it could be a nice break from the procedurals and high-concept thrillers clogging up most major network’s hour-long drama slots.

Chicago Fire

NBC, 10:00 PM
Premieres September 24th

Chicago Fire, a fantastic program about, I assume, fires in Chicago, should be on your to-watch list because there’s a lesbian character named Leslie Shay. Yup. That’s all I got.

NEW! Ravenswood

ABC Family, 8:00 PM
premieres October 29th

Caleb, Hannah’s lesbian boyfriend from Pretty Little Liars, heads up the ensemble of this new PLL spin-off, which revolves around “the curse that plagues the town of Ravenswood.” If it’s anything like Rosewood, I imagine that curse is that the victims of said curse learn absolutely nothing from their mistakes and also never go to class.  Also starring is tall drink of water Britne Oldford, who you may recognize from the failed US edition of Skins or the second season of American Horror Story.

Our Verdict: Will probably be more of the same, but we’ll give it a chance.

NEW! Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

ABC, 8:00 PM
premieres September 24th

“Leave it to Joss Whedon to co-create a smarter superhero drama, one that geeks out over conventions as often as it skewers them,” says Entertainment Weekly. “Look it’s Ming-Na Wen in tight black leather!”, says us. No but seriously, this Avengers spin-off is definitely one of the fall’s most eagerly-anticipated offerings.

Our Verdict: Watch it.

The Mindy Project

Fox, 9:30 PM
Premieres September 17th

alternative lifestyle haircut courtesy of phresh cutz

Season Two of this honestly quite funny little program returns with cast members Anders Holm, Chris Messina and Chloe Sevigny joining guest stars James Franco and um, Kris Humphries? Glenn Howerton of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia will be joining the cast as Mindy’s new love interest.

Next: Thursday night’s jam-packed with goodies (and Glee), Rebel Wilson makes her American prime-time debut and American Horror Story has a lot in store for Season Three.

15 Brand New Queer Lady Teevee Characters Defying Expectations This Summer

From time to time this summer, it’s felt like the television goddesses might be really looking out for us. Orange is the New Black has more queer female characters than any American hour-long ensemble show since The L Word, for starters, and that’s really just for starters. The Fosters, which had all the potential to be watered-down prime-time pedantic family fare, is this summer’s sleeper success, and everybody seems to introduce it into conversation by tentatively offering “So I’ve been really into The Fosters, actually?” I mean, nobody’s even up-in-arms that apparently something terrible happened to Naomi and Emily on Skins: Fire! (I’ve avoided all spoilers and have taken the advice to skip watching it, so I’ve got no clue what this terrible thing actually is.) Let’s gaze at these brand-new gay faces, shall we?

15 Queer Characters and 1 Probably-Queer Female Character of Spring/Summer 2013

16. Samira Wiley as Poussey in “Orange Is the New Black”

The thing about Poussey is that she’s yet to declare a lesbian allegiance. But she’s gay right? Probably? In one of the earlier episodes, she mentions how a girl in a magazine has nice legs, so… plus we all have crushes on her so it must be true.

15. Jess Macallan as Josslyn in “Mistresses”

She’s decided to take the plunge with Alex! We’re keeping our fingers crossed that this lesbian storyline keeps coming and coming, but so far it’d seem that ABC is not paying attention to how crossed our fingers are. So maybe we should just uncross them and fingerbang.

14. Taylor Schilling as Piper Chapman on “Orange is The New Black”

Whether you love her, hate her or love to hate her, you’re gonna watch every episode of Orange is The New Black like 47 times.

13. Aeriél Miranda as Shana on “Pretty Little Liars”

Because Pretty Little Liars exists in this weird parallel universe where school is almost and never in session and there are no seasons, it’s totally probably that a lezzie breast-stroke fan would transfer to Rosewood mid-year to join the swim team, ensuring a semi-permanent presence on the program.

12. Shane as Lena on “Ray Donovan”

Ray Donovan is a really bad show about broody men who cover up the gross things done by other broody men. But then there’s Kate Moennig and she’s playing gay again, yay! (Pro Tip: Her part is not substantial enough to justify actually watching this show.) What this show needs is to bring Alice Pieszecki on as Shane’s humorous sidekick.

11. Madeline Brewer as Tricia Miller on “Orange Is the New Black”

Oh Tricia! Tricia with your terrible cornrows and your tender earnest heart. You beat on forever in our bosoms.

10. Tatiana Maslany as Cosima Niehaus in “Orphan Black”

Personally, if I was in the cloning business, I’d make all of them lesbians. But just one dorky nerdy lesbian in fisting/lab gloves will do for now.

9. Teri Polo as Stef Foster on “The Fosters”

It’s time for Meet The (Gay) Parents, and this one looks positively smashing in uniform, when lecturing her children, or when casting lusty gazes towards her wife Lena.

8. Uzo Aduba as Suzanne Warren in “Orange Is The New Black”

SHE’LL THROW HER PIE FOR YOU. What else do you need from a lady? Okay okay: she’s hot and she can sing. There you go.

7. Lea DeLaria as Big Boo in “Orange Is The New Black”

Holy fuck, it’s a butch lesbian played by an actual butch lesbian and it’s on the actual television! It’s all really happening! What will they think of next? (Hiring Julie Goldman, we hope.)

6. Shannyn Sossamon as Alex on “Mistresses”

At first you might not even notice that it’s your #1 crush Shannyn Sossamon playing Alex, ’cause she’s so demure and conservative and wears sunddresess and usually Shannyn has an alternative lifestyle haircut and some kind of aggressive piercing or clothing situation. But not here! Here she is Alex and she is a lesbian. Ta-da!

5. Natasha Lyonne as Nicky Nichols on “Orange Is The New Black”

Playing gay in But I’m a Cheerleader wasn’t enough for Natasha Lyonne, whose wisecrackingly hilarious Nichols has re-warmed us all to Lyonne forever and ever amen.

4. Bex Taylor-Klaus as Bullet in “The Killing”

As a Salon.com writer who doesn’t forget to watch this show every week like I do wrote in The Killing’s breakout character is a butch teenage girl: “Bullet is not a character you see on TV very often: She’s a teenage lesbian, very butch, the sides of her head shaved, her dark hair coming down in a hank toward her eyes… Bullet is smart and competent and generous and tough — or she certainly wants to be seen as tough… She takes a macho, protective attitude toward the other girls in her life…  She is bossy and pugnacious and, despite living for years on the street, still burns with the conviction that some things just are not fair — so not fair she has to try and change them.”

3. Laura Prepon as Alex Vause in “Orange is The New Black”

I feel like a lot of you people wanna have sex with this character. I don’t know, it’s just an impression I get.

2. Laverne Cox as Sophia Burset in “Orange Is The New Black”

A lady-loving transgender woman of color? Yes, please! Sophia Bursett is resilient, strong and funny; delivering some of the show’s most hilarious and most heart-wrenching moments. Laverne Cox also got the chance to work with her twin brother — he plays the pre-transition Sophia in Episode Three’s flashbacks.

1. Sherri Saum as Lena Adams in “The Fosters”

Do you wish Lena was your Mom or your wife? I know, it’s hard to figure out sometimes. Just stay calm and watch The Fosters forever, and welcome to a brand new day for lezzer television.

Six Badass Sci-Fi Women of Color You Should Know

Here at Autostraddle, we’ve covered fictional kickass heroines, hot sci fi women, fictional female crime fighters and action movie heroines that tickle our queer ladyboners. I’m here today to highlight the kickass women of color in sci-fi – women who sometimes get the short end of the stick in terms of screen time and storylines, but who nevertheless kick some major booty (often without displaying their own).

Sharon/Boomer/Athena/Number Eight

Played by Grace Park in the Battlestar Galactica reboot.

via Screened

SPOILERS! You have been warned.

Number Eight is a humanoid cylon and one of the main characters in Battlestar Galactica. If you haven’t seen the show, I’m here to tell you that, yes, Grace Park plays ALL of those characters – because they’re all the same… but different. Basically, there are a bunch of Eight Cylon models, two of whom (Sharon “Boomer” Valerii and Sharon “Athena” Agathon) are important recurring characters.

Both Sharons are pilots on the Battlestar Galactica, though their allegiance shifts from the Colonial Fleet to the Cylons and back over the course of the show. Regardless of their moral compass(es), Number Eights are tough fighters and more-than-capable pilots. The Cylons are designed to groupthink, but two Eight models break away and become independent with their own unique personalities.

via IGN

Though both Sharons have relationships with men, the dynamic is of the futuristic-gender-blind-society kind. Also, Cylons are presented as genderless – though not sexless – and we know that some Cylons develop feelings for their own sex (I’m lookin’ at you, Gina/Six).

Louanne “Kat” Katraine

Played by Luciana Carro in the Battlestar Galactica reboot.

via Forever Geek

Kat first appears as a rookie Viper pilot in the Colonial Fleet, but eventually climbs her way up to be named CAG (Commander of the Air Group) on Galactica. At first, she seems to exist primarily to get on Starbuck’s nerves, but we end up liking her more and more as her character arc is more fleshed out. She is feisty, rebellious and just a little bit cocky. SPOILER: In the end, she dies a big damn hero.

via Luciana Carro Fans

Note: The character Kat is portrayed as Latina (though, to be fair, the race designations in the alternate Galactica world are not the same as ours), but the actress is Canadian, of Italian descent. I point this out  because there is a long, racist history of non-white characters on American TV and film being played by white actors.

Zoe

Played by Gina Torres in Firefly (RIP).

via Black Feminist Rising

Zoe already made our fictional kickass heroines list, but she’s so awesome that her name bears repeating. As first mate to Captain Malcom Reynolds, Zoe is loyal and steadfast. Though she does heed Mal’s leadership, she challenges and questions him when necessary. 

via In My Head

She’s also wife to Wash, Serenity’s pilot, and a veteran of the Unification War.  And can I just say that it’s pretty rad to see a relationship like Zoe and Wash’s? Truly gender-equal heterosexual relationships are already rare on TV and Zoe and Wash present a great take on hetero spousal dynamics. Plus (as suggested by the title of this list) she kicks ass. Like, a lot of it.

Inara Serra

Played by Morena Baccarin in Firefly (RIP).

Discussions of badass women in sci-fi usually features Zoe (and for good reason) but Inara often gets skipped over, possibly because she’s way more conventionally feminine. Like Kat, the actress who plays Inara is of Italian decent (though born in Brazil), but Inara is written as a character of ambiguous ethnicity. So… she’s on the list, ok?

Inara is a Companion, which translates to a classy call girl in the Firefly ‘verse. She’s fierce, independent, gorgeous and knows how to handle swords AND guns. Plus it’s great to see a character who is both feminine and badass.

via caught in the cogs

And while she’s the main love interest for Captain Mal Reynolds, we know she takes both male and female clients. Though she normally avoids physical altercations, Inara is often the one who challenges Mal’s crazy plans and stands up to the rest of the crew. Not to mention, she sometime gets involved in crime too, just to mix things up.

Dr. Allison Blake

Played by Salli Richardson-Whitfield in Eureka.

via Screened

She’s a medical doctor, a Department of Defense agent and a super intelligent scientist. In later seasons of the show, she’s head honcho of Global Dynamics and later the Medical Director at GD. She’s also a caring mother. What else? Power suits. ‘Nough said.

via Screened

Again, a lover of men, but even though she gets married (or nearly married) multiple times over the course of the show, she never lets herself or her life be defined by her relationships.

Jo Lupo

Played by Erica Cerra in Eureka.

via Wikipedia

Beginning as the sheriff’s deputy and eventually becoming head of security at Global Dynamics, Lupo is a former soldier (U.S. Army Ranger or Special Forces…unclear due to continuity issues in the show). She’s the best marksman (marksperson?) in town, extremely capable at any physical challenge and super smart to boot.

via IMFDB

And she also loves her weapons. Oooh, baby, I’d support her right to bear arms any day.

Note: Again, Erica Cerra is Canadian, of Italian descent, playing a Latina character on American TV. See a pattern?