Autostraddle March Madness: Better Halves – Elite 8

It’s been just a few days without college basketball and already I’m starting to go a little stir crazy. I tried to satiate my appetite for basketball with some NBA action but I just felt overwhelmed by how disconnected I’ve been from the men’s professional game this season. The Lakers aren’t going to make the playoffs this year? How does a team with LeBron James, Anthony Davis and Russell Westbrook not make the playoffs? Klay Thompson is back for the Warriors but now Steph Curry’s out due to injury? It’s all so confusing. Maybe I’ll just stick with what I know: the WNBA Draft is next Monday so that should fill my need for some basketball in my life and, well, y’all are providing all the madness I need in this contest.

Whew, boy…that Sweet 16 was by far the most competitive round of the tournament we’ve had thus far. Once again, I couldn’t get a jump start on preparations for the Elite 8 post because the contests were so close. And by close, I mean…close: these were some of the most competitive contests we’ve ever had in the four years we’ve hosted this contest. To quote one of my favorite Dan Rather-isms, these races were “tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.”

We had one contest come down to just 10 votes.

We had another come down to just 8 votes.

We had another contest come down to just 5 votes.

For the first time in this competition, we’ve had one-half of popular pairings go down. The on-screen love interest will have to carry the banner for their ships alone.

In the Generation Q region, Gigi continues to dominate. She earned more votes in the Sweet 16 than anyone else still left in the field. Barring a groundswell of fan support for her opponent unlike any we’ve seen in the contest thus far, it’s hard to imagine anyone dethroning Gigi. Everyone’s love for Gigi is also propelling Dani forward in the competition: she won her match-up over L Word OG, Shane McCutcheon, by a comfortable margin.

Over in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy region, we saw some of the aforementioned close races. Our readers are, clearly, evenly split between #WayHaught and #WildMoore: throughout the 48 hour voting period, the lead volleyed back and forth between them. In the end, though, Waverly Earp outlasted Ryan Wilder by 10 votes and will advance to the Elite 8. She won’t be joined in that round by her wife, though: Nicole Haught lost her Sweet 16 match-up with Sophie Moore by just 8 votes. I have no idea why people voted for Waverly but not Nicole or Ryan but not Sophie but here we are.

Consider Casey and Izzie the Dani and Gigi of the Baby Gays region. They have dominated from start to finish, defeating Raelle and Scylla from Motherland: Fort Salem handily. Likewise, Emily pulled off an easy defeat of Station 19‘s Maya Bishop in the GROWN region. I was, admittedly, surprised by the poor showing by Maya in that round: the Maya-Carina fandom is highly organized and I’ve seen them win overwhelmingly in other online contests. I wonder how much the current schism among #Marina fans over the show’s current storylines — which has gotten so vitriolic that Danielle Savre decided to speak out against it — hindered Maya’s progress in this competition. Or maybe it’s just the draw: perhaps Emily was just a more formidable opponent than Sue (some of y’all really don’t like Sue, after all). In the Sue vs. Carina DeLuca match-up, Dr. Orgasm prevailed by the slimmest of margins: 5 votes!

But here’s where things get complicated: this is a competition to find the “better half” so there’s no Gigi vs. Dani or Casey vs. Izzie match-up…at least not right now. The couples are on opposite sides of the bracket and the goal — the hope — is that they’ll meet in the middle for the championship. So now it’s a head-to-head match-up between your winners in the Gen Q region vs. your winners in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy region and the Baby Gays vs. GROWN. I do not envy these choices.

Dani Nùñez (with Gigi), The L Word: Generation Q vs. Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp

Casey Gardner, Atypical vs. Emily, Dickinson

Gigi Ghorbani (with Dani), The L Word: Generation Q vs. Sophie Moore, Batwoman

Izzie Taylor, Atypical vs. Carina Deluca, Station 19

As usual, the voting will go on for 48 hours and then we’ll be back here on Saturday to reveal who’s advanced onto our Final 4.

Autostraddle March Madness: Better Halves – Sweet 16

Well, the college basketball season is officially over…and with that, my favorite time of year has come to an end. But, I suppose, if it had to end, both the men’s and women’s championship games gave us something great to remember the 2021-2022 season by…well, unless the NCAA vacates Kansas’ win. Otherwise, though, both the men’s and women’s finals lived up to the hype.

On the women’s side, Dawn Staley had her team ready to play, as the South Carolina Gamecocks came out and imposed their will on the UCONN Huskies. It was as incredible of a defensive performance as I’ve ever seen in a title game. South Carolina’s guards clung to their defensive assignments like glue, stifling their ability of UCONN’s guards — Azzi Fudd, Christyn Williams and Paige Bueckers — to get their shots. South Carolina’s bigs were monsters on the glass, limiting the Huskies to one shot on the defensive end and then securing the Gamecocks multiple looks at the basket each time. When Geno Auriemma came out for his interview after the first quarter, which South Carolina led 22-8, he looked positively shell-shocked. It was like Staley resurrected Nolan Richardson’s “40 Minutes of Hell” and her team executed the game plan flawlessly.

On the men’s side, it felt a little like a war of attrition: UNC’s big man, Armando Bacot, turned his ankle during an epic win against Duke in the national semifinal and, yet, would not allow himself to miss the championship game. And for a long while, it looked like Bacot would help lead the Tar Heels to victory…but Kansas was too good and too well-coached to get blown out and the injuries would start to mount for Carolina. Bacot would go down after injuring his ankle, again (the sight of him hopping down the court is one I’ll likely remember forever). Caleb Love would twist his ankle, twice. The Tar Heels’ grizzly big man, Brady Manek, took multiple shots to head (who cares about a concussion protocol, I guess?). Then, a shot in the stomach knocked the wind (and some bile, apparently) out of one of UNC’s reserves, Puff Johnson. It all just proved too much for the Heels to overcome.

Was Kansas’ comeback — down 15 at the half — the best comeback in championship history? Not even close. Two words: Arike Ogunbowale.

Now, to get my fill of basketball, I’m going to need to pretend to care about the NBA for about a month until the WNBA season kicks off. But to get my fill of madness, I’m going to rely on y’all who have created some incredible match-ups for our Sweet 16.

Generation Q Region

Dani Nùñez (with Gigi) vs. Shane McCutcheon (with Tess)

Gigi Ghorbani (with Dani) vs. Tess Van De Berg (with Shane)

Through two rounds of voting, there’s no denying it: Autostraddle readers love Gigi. Through two rounds of voting, she is the top vote getter of any participant, not just in this region but in the entire field. Her success has rubbed off on her on-screen love interest, Dani Nùñez, who blew past Alice in the second round. While I expected Dani to come out on top, I didn’t anticipate the win coming by such a comfortable margin. Micah and Maribel turned out to be more popular in the second round than Alice and Nat, garnering more votes in their respective races. Unfortunately, though, they still fell short in the end to Shane and Tess, setting up some compelling contests for the Sweet 16.

Sci-Fi/Fantasy Region

Ryan Wilder, Batwoman vs. Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp

Sophie Moore, Batwoman vs. Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp

The gauntlet in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy region continues with the top two ships facing off in the region’s final four. Hats off to the #BatFam for pushing Ryan and Sophie through past a strong challenge from Sara and Ava. But has #WildMoore finally met their match in #WayHaught? The defending March Madness champions continue to make it look easy…dispatching opponents without really being threatened. And now, coming off a successful fan convention, do Waverly and Nicole have the wind at their backs or can their quest for a repeat victory be thwarted by the team from Batwoman?

Baby Gays Region

Casey Gardner, Atypical vs. Raelle, Motherland: Fort Salem

Izzie Taylor, Atypical vs. Scylla, Motherland: Fort Salem

Usually, I can get a little bit of a jump on writing my posts by glancing at the vote counts a little early but this week I had to wait the entire 48 hour voting period because the competition between Euphoria and Motherland: Fort Salem was so back and forth. I’d check in at one moment and Rue would be winning, I’d check in a few hours later and Raelle would be winning…the lead volleyed back and forth between the pairings for the entire voting period. In the end, though, Raelle and Syclla eeked out narrow wins and move on to face the team from Atypical. Can the pair from M: FS pull off another upset or will Casey and Izzie continue their dominance in the Baby Gays region?

GROWN Region

Emily, Dickinson vs. Maya Bishop, Station 19

Sue Gilbert, Dickinson vs. Carina Deluca, Station 19

I wasn’t surprised to see Bradley Jackson and Laura Peterson go down in the second round…Emily and Sue are a formidable opponent and Bradley, in particularly, had just barely gotten through her first round match-up. But the match-ups between Maya and Kat and Carina and Adena? That was almost too much for my heart to take. I mean, the chemistry between those two couples, my goodness. In the end, though Maya and Carina were able to eek out the victory.

So now we’re left with Emily vs. Maya and Sue vs. Carina?! How do you even choose? I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen now.

As usual, the voting will go on for 48 hours and then we’ll be back here on Thursday to reveal who’s advanced onto our Elite 8.

Autostraddle March Madness: Better Halves – Round of 32

Tonight, South Carolina and UCONN take to the floor of the Target Center in Minneapolis (8 p.m. ET, ESPN) to compete for the most coveted prize in college basketball: a national championship. It’ll be South Carolina’s second ever trip to the championship — the first since winning the championship in 2017 — while UCONN returns to the stage for a record 12th time, but the first since 2016. It’s worth noting: in each of the 11 other times UCONN has made it this far, they’ve ended the night cutting down the nets and raising the championship trophy. Will these UCONN Huskies continue that unprecedented run or will the South Carolina Gamecocks write a new version of history?

There are so many great storylines coming out of this national championship game. Is UCONN a better team now than they were back in November when South Carolina beat them, 73-57? Was this outcome pre-determined by the fates after the teams cancelled their match-up in January? Will South Carolina center Aliyah Boston get the redemption she’s been after since her missed put-back in last year’s semifinal? Will Paige Bueckers be able lead the Huskies to victory in her hometown? But here’s the thing I’m most interested in: are we truly witnessing a changing of the guard in women’s college basketball?

In a lot of ways, this match-up has echoes of the UCONN-Tennessee match-ups of yore. Back then you had this revered, demanding coach who recruited the best players in the country and, on the other end, you had this upstart program, led by a gregarious head coach, that was just starting to capture the nation’s attention. Now, Geno Auriemma’s the revered, demanding coach leading the most successful program in women’s college basketball, and Dawn Staley’s the gregarious head coach that’s captured the nation’s attention. It’s Blue Blood vs. New Blood” tonight in Minneapolis…I can’t wait to see who comes out on top.

But while the women’s tournament will end tonight — and the men’s tourney wraps up tomorrow in New Orleans — our version of Madness is not yet over. You’ve paired down our “Better Halves” from 64 to 32 and now we’re trying to get it down to 16. If you thought some of those first round match-ups were a challenge, just you wait.

Generation Q Region

Dani Nùñez (with Gigi) vs. Alice Pieszecki (with Nat)

Micah Lee (with Maribel) vs. Shane McCutcheon (with Tess)

Gigi Ghorbani (with Dani) vs. Nat Bailey (with Alice)

Maribel Suarez (with Micah) vs. Tess Van De Berg (with Shane)

Here’s the question that’s going to dictate this entire region: is there anyone that can take down Gigi Ghorbani? After the first round match-ups, she feels like the prohibitive favorite to win the region. She meets up with her ex-wife, Nat, in this round of voting. Dani’s facing her girlfriend’s former throuple partner, Alice, in this second round and I have no idea how that will shake out. Shane and Alice are such x-factors in this contest because we have so much history with those characters? Could that propel them to the next round or do we know too much about Shane to believe that her relationship with Tess can withstand this challenge?

Sci-Fi/Fantasy Region

Ryan Wilder, Batwoman vs. Sara Lance, Legends of Tomorrow

Vi, Arcane vs. Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp

Sophie Moore, Batwoman vs. Ava Sharpe, Legends of Tomorrow

Caitlyn, Arcane vs. Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp

You have to feel a little bad for the WildMoore ship. The selection committee gave them the overall #1 seed in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy region but they ended up in a first round match-up with Alex and Kelly? Now they have to face another set of Arrowverse compatriots in Avalance? The seeding process is cruel. Can they overcome this challenge and make it to the Sweet 16? And if so, will they meet the reigning Autostraddle March Madness Champions, WayHaught from Wynonna Earp, in the next round?

But don’t count anyone out in this region: the top vote getter in the first round in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy region wasn’t from WildMoore or WayHaught. It was Sara Lance of Legends of Tomorrow that garnered more first round votes than anyone. It truly is anyone’s game.

Baby Gays Region

Casey Gardner, Atypical vs. Taissa, Yellowjackets

Rue Bennett, Euphoria vs. Raelle, Motherland: Fort Salem

Izzie Taylor, Atypical vs. Van, Yellowjackets

Jules, Euphoria vs. Scylla, Motherland: Fort Salem

One of the interesting things about this March Madness contest is how it tends to become a conduit for fans. Our first contest coincided with the cancellation of Everything Sucks and it became a way for the audience to express their grief about that cancellation and/or a way to rally folks to try and save it. This year, I wonder if we’ll see that again with Raelle and Scylla of Motherland: Fort Salem.

Last August, Freeform announced that it was renewing M:FS for a third and final season and since then, fans have been rallying to get the network to reconsider. A better than expected first round performance by Raelle and Scylla has me wondering if Motherland: Fort Salem can surprise everyone and come out of a tough Baby Gays region.

Emily, Dickinson vs. Bradley Jackson, The Morning Show

Maya Bishop, Station 19 vs. Kat, The Bold Type

Sue Gilbert, Dickinson vs. Laura Peterson, The Morning Show

Carina Deluca, Station 19 vs. Adena El-Amin, The Bold Type

I was surprised to see the GROWN region give us our closest contest of the entire first round: Bradley Jackson of The Morning Show just barely eked out a win over Ana Morales from Gentefied. Six votes! It all came down to just six votes! What’s even more interesting about that: Bradley may have struggled to advance but her girlfriend, Laura Peterson, was able to advance, by a comfortable margin. I suppose we know who the better half is in that couple.

I think one of the most difficult choices of the second round is in the GROWN category: Station 19 vs. The Bold Type. Both those couples — #Kadena and #Marina — had such natural, undeniable chemistry, it made them tough not to love. So how do you make this choice? Do you hold Kat accountable for that ill-conceived dalliance with the Republican or Adena’s brief embrace of biphobia? Is that more or less bothersome that Maya and Carina’s current storyline on Station 19 where all they do is talk about sperm and Maya’s ex-boyfriend? That’s a tough one, for sure.

As usual, the voting will go on for 48 hours and then we’ll be back here on Tuesday to reveal the winners and the updated bracket.

Autostraddle March Madness: Better Halves — GROWN

I broke the cardinal rule of March Madness this year: don’t get too emotionally invested.

Sure, if your alma mater or your favorite team makes it into the field of 68, people expect you to cheer them on…maybe advance them unreasonably far in your bracket pool…but you can’t get too invested. The thing to remember about March Madness is that 67 of the teams in the field end up losing…that’s just the nature of the beast. Getting too invested means forgetting that there’s only a 1.47% chance that your team ends the NCAA tournament with a win. But this year, I got invested. The Wolfpack were good this year — probably the best squad I’ve seen since becoming a fan — and I had high hopes about their success.

But earlier this week, NC State joined the 98.53% of teams in the tournament who’d end their season with a loss: an instant classic double OT four point loss to UCONN in Bridgeport, CT. And now, some days later, my voice is starting to return to its usual timbre, my pride in the team is starting to eclipse my disappointment and I think, maybe, I’ll be up to watching the Final Four this weekend. Next year, though, I’ll remember: don’t get too emotionally invested.

Thankfully, that’s not a problem in Autostraddle’s March Madness. Well, at least not yet.

Earlier this week, you all voted in the Baby Gays region and I think I was right: it seemed to be the easiest set of picks we’ve had thus far. There wasn’t a single contest that was close. Of course, easy first round match-ups mean the second round match-ups will be much tougher so don’t say I didn’t warn you. The pairs from Atypical, Yellowjackets, Euphoria and Motherland: Fort Salem all advanced to the next round.

I’m not sure I was surprised by the outcomes in any match-up but I was surprised that it wasn’t much of a competition. I really wanted genera+ion to have a strong showing because Greta and Riley’s storyline really got me in the feels. I also expected a better performance from Elite, particularly as that show gears up for its new season. Thus far through the competition, couples have advanced to the bracket together and I’m anxious to see how much longer that holds up.

Speaking of brackets, we have no more perfect brackets in our competition. I managed to pick up some steam in the Baby Gays region and managed to move up several spots on the Leaderboard. How’d you do in the Baby Gays region? Did you move up the Leaderboard?

Now we’re onto the GROWN region, the last before we move into the Round of 32. You’ll have two days to vote and then we’ll update the bracket and start a new round of voting. I can’t wait to see who makes it out of this region.

Emily, Dickinson

Relationship Status: Happily Ever After

There’s a moment in Dickinson where Sue asks her husband — Emily’s brother, Austin — to ask her sister if she’ll be coming to their party tonight. Emily declines the invitation but urges her brother to tell Sue to come over to her house instead so they can talk. Eventually though, Emily relents and shows up to the party covered in ink: and of all the things she could say in this moment — with a potential editor standing in the next room — all Emily wants to hear is Sue’s opinion about her latest poems.

The poems are incredible — they make Sue’s heart want to explode — but Emily allows them to become a substitute for deeds and for actual closeness. For Emily, being in love in a poem is easier; Emily and Sue can be together on the page in a way that they can’t in the world. But Sue would rather challenge convention and be together…really together…and she longs for Emily to want the same.

Miranda, And Just Like That…

Relationship Status: In Gay Love

Soon after the conclusion of And Just Like That…‘s inaugural season, a few members of the TV Team got together to talk about it. On the particular subject of Miranda’s queer awakening, Heather said this thing which has stuck with me in since: “Falling in love, falling in lust, falling down the queer rabbit hole for the first time, it really does kind of make people go a little bit crazy.”

Here’s what Shelli added…which I think gets to the root of while Miranda resonates even if she annoys:

“…this is a reality for so many women right? And I hate to talk so much about age/generations, but it’s an even bigger reality for women of that generation, so I think it’s great that they showed it. Because it’s probably the story of some fan who watched the show originally and gets to see their story represented with these people they have followed over the years who feel like friends — because that’s what envelopes us into these shows right? Like, that’s what gives them this longevity is because we feel so connected to them that they feel like part of our lives, and isn’t that the beauty of TV & Film? Like, isn’t that the point — to be able to search and connect outside of your real life and sometimes find that solace or sameness that you’re in search of?

Bradley Jackson, The Morning Show

Relationship Status: Laura’s Woman

I’m not even sure that Bradley means it when she first kisses Laura. Sure, they’d spent the whole day together, enjoying each other’s comany…being slightly flirtatious but not too much…but nothing that prepared Laura (or me) for that kiss. She’d given Laura permission to ask any question she wanted, off-the-record, and Laura asked the one question that Bradley absolutely did not want to hear: “did you actually get vetted for this job?” Answering truthfully was an impossibility so Bradley kisses Laura instead. She pulls back and tries to apologize for her impulsiveness before Laura pulls her back into a kiss…the question long forgotten. But no matter why the kiss was initiated, by the time Bradley ends up in sharing a hotel bed with Laura, it’s clear that she’s doing exactly what she wants to be doing.

Ana Morales, Gentefied

Relationship Status: Begrudgingly Single, But With Nike Money

For her entire life, Ana Morales has wanted to find a way to make a life for herself as an artist. But in a world fueled by capitalism and rife with racism and homophobia, producing art as a brown lesbian woman is never as simple as that. Every win seems to require compromise, with every large victory comes a small defeat. It’s a lesson that Ana learns the hard way over two seasons of Gentefied — finding a way for all facets of her to co-exist — and it’s a lesson that Ana has to learn on her own, she can’t just take Yessika’s word for it.

Ana returns to Yessika in the end, realizing that she’d asked so much of her but failed to return Yessika’s faith and support. She admits, “I guess I’m at this point in my life where I…choose to be with the ones who chose me, who see me, who love me.” And before she can apologize for their fight and break-up, Yessika accepts the apology with a kiss.

Maya Bishop, Station 19

Relationship Status: Newlyweds on a Baby Hunt

For her entire life, Maya Bishop has been conditioned to be the best. Her father’s abuse conditioned her to put coming in first — in racing, in the firehouse — above all things, including friendship and love. But then she fell in love with Carina Deluca and everything changed.

Maya finally realizes what it means to put someone else first. She puts Carina first as she nurses her back from the shock of losing her brother. She puts Carina first when she volunteers to join her in Italy. She puts Carina first when she suggests getting married to stave off deportation. She puts Carina first when she puts aside her own fears and embraces the possibility of motherhood. Even last week, when Seattle’s new fire chief opted to make Maya’s demotion permanent, she doesn’t hesitate to put Carina first.

For weeks, Carina had quietly worried that without Maya being restored to her captaincy, she’d put off wanting to have a child since it might throw her even further off her career track. But even with the Chief’s refusal, Maya doesn’t change course. She begs for a moment to be angry but tells Carina, “I still love you, and we’re still making a baby, okay?” She puts Carina first again.

Quinn Joseph, Harlem

Relationship Status: Trying Okra

From the moment we first meet her on Harlem, it’s clear that Quinn Joseph is on the hunt for love. She seems, at once, both open to the possibility that love might come from anywhere and yet confined by her pre-conceived notions of what that love looks like. She walks around with these expectations about who her partner should be, what he should look like and what he should do. Even as she eschews her mother’s expectations in her professional life, she adopts them in searching for a partner. And yet, in Harlem‘s first season, it’s the two times that Quinn breaks free of those expectations that she finds happiness.

“We have been good…we have been good for so long and where has that gotten us?” Quinn’s best friend Camille asks during a drunken outing.

“Nowhere, girl, because we have just been trying to everybody’s expectations and for what? We just need to do us,” Quinn responds. In that moment, Quinn decides what she wants, expectations be damned, and goes to ask Isabela out on a real date.

Kat, The Bold Type

Relationship Status: Boss Bae

On the eve of her city council election, Kat Edison arrives on Adena’s doorstep worried that she might actually win her campaign. She wanted to talk to someone who knew her but hadn’t been invested in her run — so no Tia, Jane or Sutton — to get some perspective. It meant putting the personal aside for a moment — they hadn’t really talked since that time Adena suggested she was her anti-muse — and just grappling with Kat’s current anxiety. But because the personal and the professional are always intertwined on The Bold Type, Adena finds an answer for both.

She pulls out a photo of Kat that she took in Paris and admits, “when I saw this picture, it clicked: you did inspire me Kat — with your grace, your fire and your spirit — and I know you’ll do the same for everyone else when you’re elected. Only you can decide what’s best for you right now but the Kat Edison I know, she is all about growth.”

Adena’s right, of course…about the campaign and about them…and when Kat answers, “I don’t want to run from this,” I think she means all of the above.

Sarah, Home Economics

Relationship Status: Reluctantly Considering Motherhood Again

When Connor brings his new girlfriend, Jessica, to family game night, Tom recognizes her right away: Camp Girl, the girl who broke his heart by standing him up on their last night of camp. The rumor that Jessica had gone off and met some other boy on the docks haunted Tom for years. But, it turns out, this story that’s a defining chapter in Tom’s life is also a monumental one for Sarah. Jessica didn’t go off with some other boy, she (known as “Dock Girl” in this version of the story) met Sarah on the dock that night and they both had their first same-sex kiss.

Sarah’s kept that information from her brother for years and, now that Jessica’s joining them for game night, she’s worried he’ll find out and never forgive her. Once Jessica arrives, Sarah corners her in a closet (irony abounds!) and convinces her to keep her secret from Tom. But when Tom persists in his search for answers — who didn’t anticipate that — Sarah’s forced to tell the truth: “It was me. I kissed Jessica.”

She apologizes and adds, “I-I had feelings for a girl for the first time ever, and…I was ashamed and confused. If I told you the truth then, it would have meant coming out, and I couldn’t even come out to myself.”

Sue Gilbert, Dickinson

Relationship Status: Happily Ever After

Che Diaz, And Just Like That…

Relationship Status: Pilot Season

I am not sure if there is a better description of Che Diaz, one of the most polarizing characters on television today, as this one from Riese in the TV Team’s AJLT roundtable:

From their first press of the “woke moment” button I found myself in distress. Sara Ramirez is so great and hot, but everything they do and say is insufferable? There is no comedy at the concert? They show up uninvited to their employee’s hip surgery aftermath and fuck her friend in the kitchen? They are very one-note and the note they are is the note in which God-Des and She performed the eating pussy rap at Shane’s bachelorette party.

And then Heather added this which, I thought, nailed the entire conundrum of Che Diaz’s existence:

Because the thing about Che Diazes is that they can certainly drive you nuts, but they’re also always the people who are there with the perfectly-timed monogrammed handkerchief, the deeply inappropriate laugh that was just what you needed on your darkest day, the way that they are a beacon of courage to people who don’t yet have the ability to be so out and so proud, the suits, the drive, the competence. I think the problem with Che is the problem with every other character of color on the new series: They are all under-written. They’re not there to serve as fully realized characters who volley with the main trio; they’re there to be the backdrop against which the white characters work out whatever thing they need to work out for their own character arcs.

Laura Peterson, The Morning Show

Relationship Status: Something Like That

When Cory calls with an offer for Laura to fill-in for Alex on “The Morning Show,” Bradley is elated and quietly pleads with Laura to say yes. Once Laura agrees, Bradley finagles an invitation to spend the night and Laura offers her space in the closet. Bradley is so excited that she can barely contain herself. But just as she starts to accept happiness, the rug gets pulled out from under her. First, her brother shows up unexpectedly, ruining her plans for a sleepover with Laura, and then, just as Bradley and her girlfriend go live for “The Morning Show,” a gossip blog posts a story about Bradley and Laura dating.

As is her wont, Bradley freaks the fuck out. Laura tries to calm her down — she admits its fucked up but promises her that it’ll get better — but to no avail. But the more Bradley considers the situation, the more she starts to believe that, maybe, this isn’t a bad thing after all.

“By some miracle, I have this woman in my life that when I’m with her, I see what I should aspire to be,” Bradley tells Cory. “Maybe…maybe it’s good that this is happening, you know, cause it’s gonna force me to say that I care about somebody. I’ve never really done that before because you can lose something that you want. I do think I want Laura so maybe this is a good thing.”

Yessika Castillo, Gentefied

Relationship Status: Hungry and Thirsty

Yessika and Ana haven’t talked much (or, maybe, at all) since their break-up until Ana and her mother show up in Yessika’s office, looking for way to break free of their slumlord. The pair, who fell in love as young kids, are cold to one another…in part because Yessika’s job requires that she treats all the clients the same, but also because she’s loathe to offer special consideration to a family that never offered that consideration for her. Ana’s so heartbroken by the interaction — its coldness, the distance — that she runs off, later crying into the mouth of a new potential hook-up. Eventually, though, Ana realizes what Yessika brought to her life.

“I know I used to come to you to fix my problems and that is not what this is, okay?” Ana admits. “I just…just wanted you to know that our relationship taught me a lot. You taught me a lot. I am forever grateful for that.”

Ana acknowledges that Yessika was right about a lot of things but Yessika didn’t just want to be right, she wanted to be chosen. She wanted to know that she’d fit in and be a priority in Ana’s life, even when her family beckoned.

Carina Deluca, Station 19

Relationship Status: Newlyweds on a Baby Hunt

The lore that follows Carina Deluca from Grey’s Anatomy to Station 19 often begins and ends with the moniker, “Dr. Orgasm.” What’s often forgotten is that Carina was shown to not have much interest in long-term committed relationships. Maybe that would’ve changed if Arizona had stayed in Seattle but, according to Carina’s brother, she had never managed to have “an actual monogamous relationship” that went past three months. But then along comes Maya Bishop — a person whose skepticism about the longevity of relationships may rival her own — and slowly, Carina starts to shift.

“I’m not in the habit of fixing broken people,” Carina tells Maya at once point, but in truth that’s exactly what she does. She loves Maya even when Maya can’t fully return it, she doesn’t leave when Maya pushes her away, she supports Maya as she comes to grips with her father’s abuse. In short, Carina fixes what’s broken in Maya…and, perhaps, in the process fixes what’s been broken in herself.

Isabela Benitez-Santiago, Harlem

Relationship Status: Impending First Date

From the moment that Quinn meets Isabela, there’s a spark. The interaction is unintentional: Quinn’s mother — played by the illustrious Whitley Gilbert Jasmine Guy — is hosting a fundraiser for Isabella’s Congressional campaign and Quinn happens to show up to ask her mother for money. Quinn’s mother introduces them and recommends that Isabela become Quinn’s mentor…and, well, I’m not sure that Whitley intended for Isabela to mentor her daughter quite like this.

Isabella never pushes…she doesn’t need to, honestly. She’s charming and funny and she brings those things out in Quinn too. Even when, after their near-kiss, Quinn pushes her away, Isabela doesn’t react and allows Quinn the space to come to her own realization.

(Also? Dear God: can Juani Feliz play gay in all the things? Like, all the things. Amen.)

Adena El-Amin, The Bold Type

Relationship Status: Taken

Soon after Kat Edison is named the new Editor at Scarlet admits to her staff that, for a long time, she’d been scared of the future but she wasn’t afraid anymore. Now she wants to embrace the future with an open heart and an open mind. It’s a statement that’s as much about her relationship with Adena as it is about the magazine. Adena spends the latter part of The Bold Type‘s final season trying to maintain an emotional distance from Kat — to save them both from the possibility of heartbreak (again) — but that’s not the future that Kat wants for herself.

“You taught me that I can commit and make it my own and we can do that too,” Kat insists. “We can make this our own. We don’t have to play by anyone else’s rules. We make the rules. Together.”

From the moment Kat met Adena, she’s been challenging Kat to expand her worldview…on feminism, on Islam, on sexuality…and it feels fitting that it’s lessons that Adena’s taught Kat that finally bring them back together.

Denise, Home Economics

Relationship Status: Married to the Entire Hayworth Family

In her early review of Home Economics, Nic wrote, “So far, [Sasheer] Zamata’s Denise has played the voice of reason, constantly reining in her wife who often gets carried away.” But by season two, the tables have turned and it’s Denise with her heads in the clouds — cooing over the new baby she so desperately wants — and Sarah attempting to be the more practical one.

Sarah can’t imagine having a baby right now: they’ve finally started saving for a new apartment and their two children, Kelvin and Shamiah, are finally old enough that the women can have time for themselves. Simply put, Sarah doesn’t know if she or Denise could handle all that a baby entails. But then Denise steps in and offers a poignant reminder: I know raising two little kids on our own was tough, but this time we’d have a whole village helping us.”

Killing Eve’s Final Season Proves The Only Person Eve Was Ever Fooling Was Herself

When I was 25 and on the verge of taking a good hard look at my supposed straightness — something I’d spent two decades very deliberately not doing — I started dreaming about having sex with women. They were never the same, the women. They were characters from TV shows and movies, longtime favorites from my most-read books, girls I’d been best friends with over the years. But one thing never changed: There was always a predator cat present, even for just very light canoodling. The cat never attacked. Sometimes it just stood nearby; sometimes it perched on a tree branch, tail casually flicking back and forth; sometimes it circled us. There were mountain lions, cougars, jaguars, tigers. Always there, always watching. And every time I woke up, I was both terrified and thrilled. I’d nearly died, hadn’t I? I’d come close to being mauled to death by a cheetah! But I’d survived! No wonder I could barely catch my breath. No wonder my heart was whiz-bang-clanging around inside my chest like a firecracker in a jar.

My therapist asked me what if the big cats weren’t in the dreams, what if it was just the women, would it still feel so exhilarating? And, well, who knows, I told her, because there were big cats in the dreams. Always big cats in the dreams. That’s why I was petrified. And that’s why I was elated. Surviving the threat of those claws and jaws.

I dreamed and dreamed of women and tigers — and then one night, there were no women. But there was a cat. A black panther, the ghost of the forest: blazing amber eyes and ivory stakes for teeth. He leapt from his perch when I walked into a clearing and I could see every muscle in his body flexing as he prowled toward me. He crossed the invisible barrier all the other cats had stayed outside, he walked directly up to me — and then he tilted his massive head to the side and rubbed it against my hand. He nuzzled my face with his face. He purred. He booped my nose.

I woke up, sat up, and said out loud, “Uh oh.”

I had forgotten about the big cat dreams of my mid-20s, until I started watching Killing Eve.

In an early episode of the first season, before Eve and Villanelle ever knowingly lay eyes on each other, Villanelle lures Eve’s partner, Bill, into a crowded club in Berlin. With the music and bodies thumping, Villanelle weaves her way further into the crowd, Bill following as the dancers part and then close in behind him. Once they’re deep enough into the noise, Villanelle turns. She makes eye contact with him. She smiles. And then stalks back through the sweaty scrum, grabbing him before he realizes what’s happening, stab-stab-stab-stabing him in the chest. She leaves his bleeding body surfing the smokey neon chaos.

What follows is four seasons of Eve and Villanelle hunting each other all over the world, through the idyllic English countryside, into the belly of Rome, back and forth between the bustling streets of Paris and Barcelona, into the mist of Aberdeen, on buses and in cars and on trains and by foot, and in each other’s apartments too, in each other’s beds. Villanelle is a world-class assassin and Eve is — well, she’s an MI5 agent, an MI6 agent, a line cook, an hobby-journalist, a private security agent. Eve has friends, and then she has no friends. Eve has a house, and then she has no house. Eve has a husband, and then she has no husband. She loses jobs like kids lose teeth: frequent and bleeding.

“Why are you two so interested in each other?” MI6 boss Carolyn Martens asks.

“What is it about her?” Villanelle’s handler, Konstantin, worries.

“What is the deal with you and Villanelle?” Eve’s co-worker Hugo wonders over late night fried chicken.

“What sets Eve apart?” MI6 psychiatrist Martin asks Villanelle.

Eve tells herself and everyone around her what I told my therapist: That the threat of dying makes her feel alive. But the truth — for me and for Eve — is that the danger isn’t the predator cat at all. The danger is the desire.

Eve wants Villanelle. Long before Eve knows it, long before the show is even really sure if it’s true, Eve wants Villanelle. She wants to watch her and be watched by her. She wants to know her and be known by her. She wants to stab her and be stabbed by her, and yeah, that’s a penetration metaphor that she plays out literally. Villanelle knows it and so does Eve’s husband, Niko, who comes out of his frame when Villanelle shows up at his job and says to him, all soft and sultry: “Eve and I are friends. Well. More than friends, actually… didn’t she tell you? She came to my apartment in Paris. She laid down next to me in my bed. She stuck a knife in me.” When Eve has sex with Niko, she’s thinking of Villanelle, and the (funeral) flowers she sent Eve to announce her imminent arrival at Eve’s house. When Eve has sex with her co-worker, Hugo, Villanelle is breathing heavy in Eve’s earpiece from a hotel a few blocks away.

I didn’t start watching Killing Eve until after the third season had ended, but I was aware of, and even involved in, so many conversations about whether or not the show was Actually Gay. It seems like everyone I know, everyone I follow, was asking themselves the same thing everyone on the show was asking Eve and Villanelle. Are you in a relationship?

“Define relationship,” Eve says, when confronted plainly with the question.

Because neither Eve nor Killing Eve are interested in flattening queerness into an identity marker. Both the character and the show are driven by something more raw, more visceral, something that defies restraint or even definition — which is especially delicious when you consider that queerness, as an identity, was created as a strategy of containment.

In Focault’s The History of Sexuality, he marvels at the fact that “the homosexual” had become “a species,” that by the mid-1900s, “perverse” sexual desires had taken the form of a medically diagnosable identity, that the private world of queer pleasure had become part of public conversation and political consumption. He pokes around at a lot of ideas about why, and ultimately decides it’s because 19th century capitalism needed a sexual identity that was “economically useful and politically conservative” — so it had to create the opposite of that. It had to make a corporeal monster out of queer desire, an other, to give its preferred identity something to stand against.

Only a few decades later, televangelist and Republican presidential candidate Pat Robertson famously declared that the “feminist agenda” is a “socialist, antifamily political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

Aside from the murdering children part, Robertson’s warning could be a footnote in Focault’s writings on sexuality. Or the tagline of Killing Eve.

That’s what makes conversations about whether or not Killing Eve is gay so bizarre to me. I don’t think there’s ever been a show that gets at the complete unraveling of queer desire quite like it. Nothing is quite as scary — to both men and The Man — as women’s desire. Especially when women desire other women. And so, everywhere women turn, that desire is policed, denied, shamed, restrained. Being gay isn’t the opposite of being straight. Being gay is clawing at the walls and tearing down the constraints of heterosexual norms. It’s stepping outside that “economically useful and politically conservative” identity capitalism and politicians and religious leaders have foisted upon us. It’s not caring if — or even hoping that — those norms explode and burn the whole thing down.

Gay identity markers are important, of course. They’re important in the fight for civil rights and they’re important in the pursuit of self-understanding and community camaraderie. But they’re not the endpoint of queerness. In fact, there is no endpoint to queerness. Its existence is constantly evolving and endlessly destabilizing. Representation does matter; we’re always going to need LGBTQ+ characters that can simply be counted. But we deserve more than that too. We deserve to see our dangerous dreamscapes laid bare, to see our predator cats take the form of a queer female assassin, to consume stories that leave our parents scratching their heads or cowering in fear because Pat Robertson did warn them, after all.

With four episodes to go, lesbian baddie Hélène says to Eve about Villanelle, “This is what you want.”

Eve slides closer, slowly, deliberately; grabs Hélène‘s face; kisses her. With her eyes wide open, she whispers, “You have no idea.”

Hélène does though. And so does Villanelle. And so do we. Like me and my heart-hammering panther dreams, the only person Eve was ever fooling was herself.

20 Foods I Ate Because of Fictional Characters, Ranked

I recently found myself paying twenty dollars to get a small package of British candy sent to me because I saw one of my favorite TV characters eating it. And that’s when I decided I should make a list of all the outrageous foods I’ve eaten over the years because I read about them or saw them on-screen. And so: 20 Foods I Ate Because of Fictional Characters, Ranked!

20. Butterbeer, Harry Potter

The taste of Butterbeer should have been my first clue that JK Rowling is a monster. Way back in the early 00s, before Twitter, when the internet was still a toddler and Hermione hadn’t even started developing inexplicable feelings for Ron Weasley, I tried a recipe for Butterbeer. It honestly didn’t seem like it was going to be drinkable when I was mixing it all together — cream soda, brown sugar, apple cider vinegar, heavy cream — but, you know, magic. Well, it was the worst thing I have ever tried to drink in my entire life and I have guzzled two (2) pints of actual beer made with Warheads (those radioactive sour candies from the ’90s that eat the inside of your mouth).

19. Oysters Rockefeller, The Great Gatsby

Oysters Rockefeller food poisoned me while I was on a romantic vacation with my wife, and so, instead of a nice evening of canoodling, she watched the Red Sox game and kept running down to the hotel lobby to buy fifteen-dollar bottles of Gatorade while I laid on the floor in the bathroom and thought I would die. Still better than Butterbeer.

18. Turkish Delight, The Chronicles of Narnia

When I read The Chronicles of Narnia, I thought, “Wow, Turkish Delight must be the GREATEST CANDY ON EARTH for Edmund to sell out his entire family to an evil snow witch for a tin of it!” And then I ate Turkish Delight and it made me loathe Edmund Pevensie even more. Based on pictures I thought it was going to taste like gummy bears or those things you get in the Tootsie Roll Halloween bag that are called Dots (which I actually really love!). But no! It’s like a giant date, suspended in jelly, flavored with Lysol, and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Edmund is such a perpetual disappointment.

17. Monica’s Moist Maker, Friends

This sandwich already has two strikes against it because it’s Ross Geller’s favorite and also includes the word “moist” — but sandwiches are my favorite food, and I love trying new ones, and so I made Friends‘ most famous food. It’s leftover turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing, lettuce, tomato, and an extra piece of gravy-soaked bread in the middle to keep it moist. And it’s disgusting! I spend half my life trying to make sure my sandwich bread doesn’t get soggy! Please put the sauce on the side, no thank you I’ll add my own condiments, toasted please and I’ll add pickles at home, etc. The Moist Maker — as indicated by the title — adds an entire slice of wet bread to the middle of the sandwich. WET BREAD. You can’t even eat around it.

16. Cosmo, Sex and the City

Vodka, triple sec, cranberry juice, and freshly squeezed lime — seems tasty, right? Except the only time I ever drink cranberry juice is when I have a UTI, so as soon as I started sipping on this thing, I got phantom pains in my urethra. No thanks. Sorry, Samantha!

15. Creamed Spinach Over Poached Eggs and a Dry Martini With an Olive, Carol

I was determined to like this dish because I was determined to be the kind of girl who would impress Carol Aird over an impromptu weekday brunch in the city. My wife says all I want in life is for a beautiful older woman to call me “good girl” and/or tell me I’m the best student she’s ever taught, but that’s not entirely true. I would also settle for a beautiful older woman telling me I was flung out of space. Alas, that woman will not be Carol Aird — because creamed spinach over poached eggs is a textural nightmare and I could not eat more than two bites of it. It doesn’t taste bad but it feels like chewing on damp paper, even when you wash it down with gin, the way God intended all WASPy meals to be eaten.

14. Reese’s Pieces, E.T.

My parents took me to see E.T. when I was a very small child, not because they thought I would like it, but because they thought I wouldn’t understand it, and they wanted to see it. Well, and near the end, they looked over and I had been sobbing in my seat enough to drench my little t-shirt. Anyway, they got me E.T.’s favorite candy on the way home, and, like all Reese’s candies that are not original Reese’s (or the normal mini kind that come wrapped in foil), they were an epic mistake. Be M&M’s or be Reese’s — you can’t be both.

13. Macarons, Marie Antoinette

Macarons seem so fancy and so sumptuous! All rainbow colored and French and the thing everyone tops their desserts with on Top Chef and Great British Bake Off when they want to add a little pizazz. Well, I have now tried macaroons in basically every hue and every flavor and I have only ever had one (1) that I actually liked and that’s because it tasted like a knock-off Girl Scout Cookie (Samoa). I’d rather just have the Girl Scout Cookie. Another extravagant failure for Ms. Marie.

12. Spaghetti Tacos, iCarly

I know what you’re thinking: Are you putting an imaginary Nickelodeon recipe onto this list above a beloved and classic French pastry? Yes, I am. Because spaghetti tacos are surprisingly delicious. You make the spaghetti meat (pork, beef, or chicken) with marinara but also with chili powder, cumin, paprika, and red pepper flakes. Then you put it inside a warm crispy tortilla shell. This may sound gross to you, but do you know what’s working for it? There’s no soggy bread inside!

11. Frozen Banana, Arrested Development

There’s always money in the banana stand and that’s because any fruit you dip in chocolate is forkin’ delicious, and people will pay! Also bananas are nature’s most taken-for-granted treat because they’re not expensive and you can get them in all the seasons. But that doesn’t make them any less delicious or versatile. Plus anything you can eat on a stick gets bonus points in my book.

10. Boiled Potatoes, Pride and Prejudice

The potato is like the banana in that it is in constant rotation on dinner plates all over the world but is forever disrespected! A couple of seasons ago on Top Chef someone made mashed potatoes and all the judges laughed, and then they shut their damn fancy mouths because they tasted the mashed potatoes and all they wanted to do was keep eating them! Boiled potatoes are awesome the way that tortilla chips are awesome: they can be a vehicle for basically anything! Just butter, just butter and parsley, just butter and parsley and garlic, just butter and garlic and parsley and dill. One humble potato and all of a sudden you’ve got a plate of spud nachos!

9. Pickled Limes, Little Women

I was never really a fan of Amy March until Florence Pugh was Amy March and then I decided to give her favorite little treat, pickled limes, a go. They were the currency of friendship and popularity at school and Amy was always feeling indebted to give them away, instead of just receiving them. You’re going to wince when I tell you the ingredients: limes, salt, vinegar, garlic, mustard seed, cayenne pepper, and horseradish. You just quarter the limes and put them in a jar with all that stuff. When you take them out, they’re sweet and tangy and spicy and kind of terrible but also kind of perfect. I served mine (to myself) with a charcuterie board and a very hoppy IPA.

8. Krabby Patty, SpongeBob SquarePants

Until me or Plankton get Mr. Krabbs’ secret recipe, I’m just going to assume these are vegetarian crab cakes (tofu-based) on a bun with lettuce, tomato, sea cheese, pickles, and mustard. I don’t know what sea cheese is, so when I made these I used gouda, which the Danish apparently call “north sea cheese” (Vesterhavsost). I used capers as my secret ingredient and toasted my bun and that was correct.

7. Kronk’s Spinach Puffs, Emperor’s New Groove

See, I do love spinach! Just not when it feels like Elmer’s glue in my mouth! I like it especially when it’s stuffed inside a puff pastry with cheese and herbs and eggs and baked to crispy deliciousness. (Honestly I would probably like most any ingredient topped with cheese and shoved into a hot crust. After all, when pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time.)

6. Raspberry Cordial, Anne of Green Gables

Remember when Anne and Diana got accidentally drunk on cordial and then Mrs. Barry said they couldn’t see each other anymore and they had the gayest love confession separation? And then Anne saved Baby Barry and they could be gal pals again? Yeah, me too, I think about it all the time. Well, I tried Marilla’s Raspberry Cordial and it is so good! No wonder they drank so much they got sick! It’s just fresh raspberries, sugar, lemon juice, and a little bit of honey for depth of flavor. It’s like if a Capri Sun was actual juice and not corn syrup water inside an aluminum moon packet.

5. Smiley Face Bacon and Eggs, Mulan

My little sister used to cook a lot of my meals for me when we were kids and she was a firm believer in fun shapes making things taste better, and it is still true as an adult! Bacon and eggs? Who doesn’t love ’em? But bacon and eggs shaped like a little grin to send you on your way in the morning with a full tummy and a full heart? The real breakfast of champions.

4. Tangfastics, Killing Eve

I have a hard time with British candy, generally, because I do not understand what “black currant” is and why it’s a flavor in everything. Why do you Brits replace the best flavors inside of Starburst, Skittles, etc. with “black currant”??? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend you, it’s just that they look like berries but taste like acid dirt. Anyway, I do love to try British candies which is why I jumped at getting myself a bag of Tangfastics after the entire third season of Killing Eve revolved around them — and they were AWESOME. They’re not like Sour Patch Kids but they’re also not like plain gummy candy. They’re kind of sour, kind of tart, kind of sweet, and they have a sugar coating that is just excellent. Plus they kind of snap when you bite into them and pull. I don’t like the “cola” flavored ones, but my wife does! (Not as much as she likes to watch Villanelle eating them tho.)

3. Edibles, Alice in Wonderland

Tangfastics leveled up.

2. Ratatouille, Ratatouille

Just when you were ready to write off my palate as unsophisticated as a schoolchild’s, I bring you: vegetables! Ratatouille was enough to warm Anton Ego’s cold, critical heart! And it will also warm you right up on a cold day! Or refresh you on a hot one! It’s just eggplant, squash, zucchini, tomatoes, herbs, olive oil, and an entire truckload of garlic. And when you cook it right, it’s not mushy at all! It’s bright and filling and it heats up well and you can serve it as a main dish or as a side dish! Also if you serve it to other people they’ll think you’re a culinary genius because it has so many colors and is the title of a Pixar movie.

1. Fried Green Tomatoes, Fried Green Tomatoes

Now this may just be the Georgia girl in me talking, but fried green tomatoes are the greatest food on the planet earth. And you can’t understand them unless you eat them. Green tomatoes aren’t red tomatoes, the batter is cornmeal and not flour, and you should absolutely serve them with homemade remoulade, the main ingredients of which are Tabasco and pickle juice. An absolutely gay absolute southern delicacy.

Autostraddle March Madness: Better Halves — Baby Gays

As much as I’d love to regale everyone with stories of the women’s Elite Eight — I’m really on pins and needles about the NC State/UCONN match-up — and the men’s Final Four, I’m pretty sure if I don’t hop right into the results from the Sci-Fi/Fantasy region, some of y’all are going to come after me with pitchforks. So let’s recap what happened:

I was intrigued by the Arcane and Astrid & Lilly Save the World match-ups because both of those shows are still relatively new and still finding their fanbases. That said, Arcane is tied to a popular gaming franchise so perhaps it came to the contest with a built-in advantage. The final vote totals were close but Vi and Caitlyn of Arcane were able to pull off the narrow victory and go onto compete in the Round of 32.

We’ll see if Arcane‘s advantage can carry over into the next round where they’ll face defending Autostraddle March Madness champions, WayHaught. Waverly and Nicole were able to pull off easy victories in the first round, defeating ThunderGrace handily. Will the Earpers continue to show up for their faves or can Caitlyn and Vi pull off the biggest upset of this tournament?

While we all wait with bated breathe to hear about the fate of Legends of Tomorrow and Batwoman on the CW, fans of both shows are showing up for this year’s bracket competition. I thought the presence of two couples from Batwoman — plus, everyone’s undying love for Rose Bridget Regan — meant that they both be assured of a place in the second round but that’s not how things shook out. The Co-Captains for Life, Sara and Ava, made a strong showing in their opening round match-ups, easily beating a challenge from Pam and Renee.

But while Renivy may have gone down in defeat for the Batfam, the great ship WildMoore will sail into the next round. These two match-ups were some of the most talked about of the first round — more than a few people were like, “HOW DARE YOU?!” — and they lived up to the hype. Much to my surprise, Sophie Moore pulled off a decisive victory in the first round, dispatching Kelly Olsen of Supergirl with ease. What’s more astounding is that despite facing such a strong challenger.

Alex Danvers proved to be a greater challenge for Ryan Wilder but the fandom gave Batwoman a small lead in the early hours of voting and she never relinquished it. Of course, that means that it’s an all CW semi-final in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy region: Batwoman vs. Legends, Wildmoore vs. Avalance. Oomph, I suspect I’m going to get another round of “HOW DARE YOU?!” messages on social media.

So those were your Sci-Fi/Fantasy winners…how’d that translate into our bracket competition? After two rounds of voting, we only have just one perfect bracket remaining. I slipped a few spots on the leaderboard after a middling showing in that round but I’m hoping to rebound in . What about you?

Now we move on to the Baby Gays region…which, to me, feels like the easiest of the four regions. That said, maybe teen dramas aren’t your cup of tea so picking a favorite might prove more difficult. As usual, the voting will go on for 48 hours and then we’ll be back here on Tuesday to reveal the winners and the updated bracket. Let’s take a look at the field.

Casey Gardner, Atypical

Relationship Status: Bruin in Love

Izzie Taylor’s life is full of chaos. Her mother’s at the center of chaos, often drunk, leaving Izzie to shoulder more responsibility than she should at her age. Understandably, Izzie resents how absent her mother is and her mother chastises Izzie for her anger and bitterness. Her mother alternates between tossing her out and inviting her home to take care of the other children. It’s a cruel existence and one from which Izzie cannot wait to escape. It’s Casey that offers Izzie a refuge, a port in an otherwise harrowing storm. She gives Izzie a space to just be where she’s not asked to do more than a young teenager in love should.

Fabiola Torres, Never Have I Ever

Relationship Status: Reigning Queens

“I’m not cool,” Fabiola Torres admits as she and her girlfriend, Eve, have their Cricket Queens victory dance. “I don’t know anything about pop culture and I don’t know how to use hip phrases like ‘what’s the tea?’ And I feel unsafe in ripped jeans. The only thing besides my family friends and you are robots.”

Eve seizes on Fabiola’s admission and confesses that she loves her too. She doesn’t care about whether or not Fabiola’s cool. She never needed for Fabiola to know who King Princess is or to be an expert in L Word trivia. As she is, Fabiola is the most beautiful person Eve’s ever met…and that’s enough for her.

Taissa, Yellowjackets

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

I love that I immediately picked up on Taissa and Van as a couple before it was canonically established outright due to how protective Taissa was of Van when the plane went down, particularly in episode two of Yellowjackets when Taissa was ready to FIGHT Jackie for abandoning Van in the plane fire. Taissa may keep messing up due to reasons outside of her control, but I do think she cares deeply about Van. The masks she made for both of them were sweet (and impressive — we love a crafty gay!). You know what they always say: Girlfriends who are attacked by wolves in possibly cursed woods together…stay together? — Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Rebeka, Elite

Relationship Status: In a Relationship

Mencía’s relationship with her family has long been strained: even if no one says it aloud, they — and, particularly, Mencía’s father — blame her for the car accident that killed her mother and seriously injured her brother…a blame that Mencía’s internalized and that fuels her behavior. When Mencía joins with the students in protest of her father’s draconian rule at Las Encinas, things only get worse. Her father strips her of her allowance and Mencía, unwittingly, stumbles upon a new way to make money. But when she gets in, dangerously, over her head, it’s Rebeka, who comes to her rescue.

“When I got home [after a dangerous encounter], I had an excuse ready, but nobody asked because they couldn’t care less,” Mencía laments. Rebeka’s the only person that really sees her and thinks that she’s someone worth rescuing. There’s nothing that Rebeka wouldn’t do to protect Mencía…even Mencía doesn’t know how much.

Rue Bennett, Euphoria

Relationship Status: Fuckin’ Done

I’ll let Rue make the case — affirmative or dissenting, I’m not sure which — for herself (from her final season 2 monologue):

“Jules was my first love. I’d like to remember it that way. I don’t know if that’s actually true, though. I think I was high for too much of it. I know it wasn’t easy for her. And I hope she forgives me. I stayed clean through the rest of the school year. I wish I could say that was a decision I made. In some ways, it was just easier. I don’t know if this feeling will last forever… but I am trying. I remember Ali said, ‘The thought of maybe being a good person, is what keeps me trying to be a good person.’ Maybe there’s something to that.”

Tamia “Coop” Cooper, All American

Relationship Status: Holding On

Soon after Coop and Patience get together, Coop starts trying to build her brand as a musician. After winning a local rap battle, she uses the studio time with JP Keating to produce her first real song and hopes she can leverage it into a record deal. But when JP hears a version of Coop’s song with Patience on the chorus, it’s her that the superstar producer takes an interest in, not Coop. Patience isn’t new to music — she’s a member of the church choir — but making music has never been her dream…at least not until Coop opens her up to the possibility.

Coop pushes Patience to new heights. When Patience doubts herself, Coop’s there to remind her how good she truly is: “you’re even better than whatever they think you are. Just gotta do you, Patience, and go get it.” When Coop can’t complete her scheduled tour dates, she urges Patience to fill her slot. It hasn’t always been easy…and it certainly hasn’t been without conflict…but Coop is helping Patience live the dream she never even knew she had.

Raelle, Motherland: Fort Salem

Relationship Status: On the Run Together

Raelle and Scylla don’t have your typical enemies-to-lovers trajectory. In fact, it’s sort of more like lovers-to-enemies-to-lovers if we’re being honest. There was a long time that Raelle (and thus us, the audience) wasn’t sure if Scylla was trustworthy, because they don’t live in a world where their relationship could just be their relationship; there were bigger forces at work. Political forces, rebel forces, magic forces. It didn’t help that Raelle’s found family, her team, her sisters, also didn’t trust Scylla. But things aren’t always as black and white as good vs evil, and when it comes down to it, her sisters just want Raelle to be happy, and Scylla makes Raelle happy. — Valerie Anne

Greta, genera+ion

Relationship Status: In Love

When a suspected school shooter sends the campus into a lockdown, Riley and Greta end up together in the library. Riley’s anxious…though less about the potential shooter and more about being trapped in a small space. She fidgets nervously and breathes deeply. Greta recalls this “heart-racing thing” that she experienced after first seeing E.T. and the way her mother would soothe her: whispering a rhyme and gently stroking her hand. Riley asks Greta to show her and she does…reciting her mother’s rhyme (“Sana sana, colita de Rana, si no sanas hoy, sanaras mañana.”) as she rubs circles on Riley’s hand.

There’s a visible calm that comes over Riley with Greta’s touch. There’s a visible calm that comes over Riley anytime Greta’s near. Greta makes Riley’s life better.

Izzie Taylor, Atypical

Relationship Status: Bruin in Love

For most of Casey Gardner’s life, she’s tried to go unseen. Her brother commands a lot of her parents’ attention so she strives to be the one thing about which they don’t have to worry. The only place where the spotlight shines brightly on her is when she’s on the track and even that starts to feel uncomfortable after a while. Izzie’s different though. She seeks connection, she raises her voice, she is unafraid of making waves. No one ever stood up for Izzie while she was growing up so she feels an obligation to stand up for others.

Izzie’s activism doesn’t turn Casey into an activist — she participates in the protest against Clayton’s dress code, begrudingly, and breathes a huge sigh of relief when she escapes punishment — but it does model what it means to challenge authority. Izzie teaches Casey that there arer things worth making waves for and without that, I’m not sure Casey ever starts to prioritize her own happiness. She makes Casey better.

Eve Hjelm Never Have I Ever

Relationship Status: Reigning Queens

I was, admittedly, a little surprised to see Fabiola and Eve among the Selection committee’s top eight couples in the Baby Gay region. Sure, they are adorable together, particularly Fabiola and her robot creation, Gears Brosnan…but ever since I watched the second season of Never Have I Ever, I’ve wondered how we’re supposed feel about Eve.

If I’m being generous, I can chalk up Eve’s efforts to bring Fabiola along to concerts and trivia night as a way for Fabiola to get to know Eve and her interests a little better. And surely, her heart’s in the right place with her dogged pursuit of the Cricket Queens crown…as a way to empower a new generation of queer kids. But how does Eve not recognize the ways in which Fabiola is compromising who she is to be who Eve, seemingly, wants her to be? When Fabiola shows up to dance looking more like Eve than herself, why doesn’t Eve — who claims she loves Fab and doesn’t care if she’s cool — say something in recognition of the misstep? I love a happy ending as much as the next queer but make it make sense.

Van, Yellowjackets

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

When Van first told Taissa she absolutely would not be joining her in the haunted attic where a literal corpse had been found, I was like ummmm but just think of all the secret smooching you could be doing up in the attic versus against trees like you’ve been doing which is cute but looks uncomfy! But then I was like oh, this is actually some good boundary-setting, good for you baby queers for not being COMPLETELY codependent. I’m absolutely holding onto hope that Van is alive in the present and has merely continued to set good boundaries with Taissa. — Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Mencía, Elite

Relationship Status: In a Relationship

Rebeka isn’t looking for love when she meets Mencía. If anything, after getting her heart broken by Samuel, she’s trying desperately to avoid it. But Mencía is persistent, determined to get Samuel’s name out of Rebeka’s head (and heart) and replace it with her own. Rebeka resists — she doesn’t want anything to blow up in her face again — but, at the same time, she admits that she can’t remember the last time things were so easy with someone else. Unsure of how to interpret Rebeka’s mixed signals, Mencía finds a way to know for sure if Rebeka wants more: she kisses her and Rebeka doesn’t immediately pull away. Afterwards, Rebeka avoids Mencía but Mencía won’t let her deny herself this thing that she clearly wants…a want that’s confirmed everytime they kiss.

“I’m sorry. Really, I’m truly sorry,” Rebeka confesses. “But I have too much baggage. I’m full of insecurities, full of fear, full of…”

But Mencía — who’s carrying plenty of her own baggage — encourages her to let go of her fear and just let her in.

Jules, Euphoria

Relationship Status: Nothing. Fucking. There.

When Rue walks into her intervention in Euphoria‘s second season and sees Elliot and Jules’ waiting for her, she’s apoplectic. She dismisses Jules’ involvement at first but Jules insists that this is her fight too: she doesn’t want to see Jules kill herself. The suggestion only angers Rue more and she launches invective after invective at Jules — the cruelty is painful to watch — to which her girlfriend simply repeats, “I love you.”

Euphoria building towards this moment since early in the first season when Jules told Rue that she didn’t want to be around her if she didn’t stop using drugs. Jules is trying to be Rue’s better half — trying to do what’s best for Rue — but I suppose you can’t be someone’s better half is that person doesn’t want to be better.

Patience, All American

Relationship Status: On A Break

When Tyrone turns up dead, everybody thinks Coop did it. I can’t really blame them for it, Coop had the means, plenty of motive and the opportunity to kill Tyrone. Patience confronts Coop about her involvement and, though she denies being involved, she slides her bag beneath a couch at the Slausson Cafe when the police seek to question her. Having clocked the bag — and fearing that Coop really did kill Tyrone and might go to prison — Patience picks it up and, under the cloak of darkness, takes the gun, wipes it down, and tosses it in the river.

“Look, if that ain’t some Queen and Slim ride or die type of love, then I don’t know what is,” Coop admits after she deserves what her girlfriend has done.

Scylla, Motherland: Fort Salem

Relationship Status: Proving Her Love

Scylla spent much of the first season being hard to read; she seemed to care about Raelle, but she was also doing some dodgy things with the Spree. By the end of the second season, no matter her past actions or motives or how many times she lit her face on fire to put on/take off a disguise, one thing was clear: she loves Raelle. And she’ll do anything she has to in order to prove it.

The odds were stacked against them, but eventually Scylla and Raelle learn that even though it seems like they were on opposing teams, their goals are the same. Some relationships don’t survive trial by fire, but theirs did in every sense of the word. — Valerie Anne

Riley, genera+ion

Relationship Status: In Love

After spending the day hanging out together, Greta, Riley and Chase end up back at Riley’s place for a sleepover. Riley invites her friends to dress up in outfits she has stored in her trunk and pose for photographs. Greta usually hates her picture being taken but she doesn’t hesitate to make an exception for Riley. She dons a tuxedo and top hat and looks absolutely amazing. After perusing the results, Chase opts to crash on the floor, leaving Greta and Riley to share the bed. Greta stares at Riley but averts her eyes when it’s Riley’s turn to stare at her.

“I saw you,” Riley whispers.

Greta smiles and whispers back, “I saw you.”

And while that dialogue is very much about that moment, it also feels like it’s about this budding relationship…this space between them where they can both be their full selves. They see each other in a way no one else does.

Autostraddle March Madness: Better Halves — Sci-Fi/Fantasy

Last night, the men played the opening slate of games in their Sweet 16. By the end of the night, my NCAA tournament bracket — which had a respectable showing in the first two rounds — was demolished. Three of the four teams I picked to make it to the Final Four, including my eventual national champion, are out. My bracket for the women’s tournament isn’t dead yet but it’s definitely on life support, thanks to an incredible number of upsets in the first two rounds. Suffice to say, this hasn’t been my month for March Madness predictions.

Am I doing better in our March Madness competition? Only marginally. Just like the decision to by the A+ Selection Committee to leave Sinley out of the field, y’all surprised me with some of your choices and had me second-guessing everything I thought I knew about the Gen Q fandom.

Based on your selections, we can conclude that the Dani and Gigi love is real. That pairing dominated the first round with an overwhelming number of you preferring the version of Dani we got with Gigi compared to Dani when she was with Sophie. I was surprised that folks weren’t sold on any iteration of Bette Porter’s relationships: she lost both of her first round match-ups and doomed her partners (Pippa and Gigi) in their match-ups. Micah and Maribel were a bit of a dark horse but managed to pull out victories in their respective match-ups. The closest match-up of the first round? Much to my shock, Nat vs. Tom. She edged him out by just 43 votes.

I heard a lot of feedback that the Gen Q region was the easiest of the four to make predictions in but I’m not sure that’s the case: after just one round of voting, we down to just 15 perfect brackets. Where do you stand in the updated Leaderboard? If you didn’t do great in that round, don’t worry, you can catch up in the next…or maybe not.

Welcome to today’s region: the Science Fiction and Fantasy ships. Or, as I like to call it, the region that threatens to ruin most of my friendships with the TV team. One team member called this region “mean,” another it a “hate crime.” I try to remind them that I’m just the messenger — these match-ups were (however unwittingly) set-up by our wonderful A+ members — but to no avail. Now I’ve just got to hope that they’ll love me again when this all over.

On the plus side, though, at least no one can accuse me of rigging the game because there is ABSOLUTELY no way I would’ve picked these match-ups. Let’s take a look at the field.

Ryan Wilder, Batwoman

Relationship Status: Officially a Thing

Maybe Ryan Wilder hasn’t always been sure that she should be the one to wear the cowl but there’s always been a certainty about her. She loves who she loves and she’s unapologetic about it. She’s fiercely loyal to those in her circle, determined to have their back no matter what the cost. She rejects a white supremacist system that “decides what justice is based on who can pay the most money.” Ryan has always known who she is.

When Ryan meets Sophie Moore, she doesn’t have that certainty. Sophie’s not sure who she is or how she wants to be, but there’s Ryan…her light shines so brightly….and, as the saying goes, “as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” By just being herself, Ryan gives Sophie permission to live as her authentic self…she makes her better.

Alex Danvers,Supergirl

Relationship Status: Hers, Always

Alex Danvers is a hero — she has been from the very first moments we met her — and the impulse that comes with the decision to take up that mantle is a desire to save others…to fix them. It is what makes Alex “super” before she’s ever conferred with special powers and abilities. But the moment where Kelly Olsen truly knows she can’t live another day without Alex happens on a day that she suppresses the most intrinsic thing about her.

The day that Kelly comes home broken and battered by the realities of what it means to walk through this world as a black woman, Alex doesn’t try to fix her. Even though it hurts to watch the people you care about hurt, she just lets Kelly feel her feelings. Alex is able to do that because now, the most instrinsic thing about her is her love for Kelly.

Sara Lance, Legends of Tomorrow

Relationship Status: Married and Expecting

Sara Lance comes to her relationship with Ava Sharpe with a lot of baggage…so much, in fact, that she often doubts that she’s worthy of Ava’s love, even as Ava insists that that just isn’t true. Eventually, though, the tables turn and it’s Ava’s baggage that becomes the center of Legends of Tomorrow‘s story. In the latter episodes of season three, Ava learns that everything she’s ever known about her life has been a lie. She is just one of a legion of mass produced clones. Every memory she has manufactured. The people she’s known all her life as her parents? They’re actors. Ava is understandably, shook.

Sara steps up and immediately affirms that that Ava is real…as real as the feelings they share for each other. She lifts Ava out of her darkest place and assures her that she is extraordinary. In one fell swoop, Sara makes her girlfriend better and proves that she’s worthy of the love that Ava offers her.

Renee Montoya, Batwoman

Relationship Status: Committed and Exiled

The day she injected Poison Ivy with Batman’s desiccation serum, Renee Montoya saved the lives of thousands of innocent people. And while doing so also meant that Pam would spend forever without sunlight or water or human contact…the truth of the matter was that the Pamela Isley that Renee fell in love with died during Marc LeGrand’s experimentation. But that reality never outweighed the guilt of what Renee did…and she carried with her always.

Eventually, Renee saw a way to rectify her greatest mistake and she took it. Even if it meant lying to everyone, even if it meant betraying the badge she worked so hard to get, even if it meant walking away from everything…she was going to get Pamela out and she was going to find a way for them to have a life together.

Vi, Arcane

Relationship Status: Addicted to Cupcake

Based on the League of Legends video game, Netflix’s Arcane features two sisters, Vi and Powder/Jinx, who find themselves (seemingly) on opposite sides of a class war. It’s their relationship and the fracture in it — exacerbated by Caitlyn — that drives the plot of the show. The sisters are orphaned as children and separated as adults, with Vi finding herself in prison. It’s Caitlyn, an ambitious enforcer, who frees Vi, much to Jinx’s consternation.

It’s hard to say something definitive about Vi and Caitlyn inArcane without spoiling how it ends. For most of the series, the couple straddles the line between canon and fanon. There are charged moments, lots of touching and endless flirtation but the true confirmation that there’s something more between them comes from the perception — “I paid your girlfriend a visit this morning,” Jinx tells her captive sister at one point — of those around them.

Lilly Fortenberry, Astrid & Lilly Save the World

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

I was surprised that Astrid & Lilly Save the World made it into the field if I’m being honest. It’s a relatively new show and though it’s earning kudos from critics and viewers alike, it felt a little early to call either of them the “better half” (though, given Candace’s most recent behavior, I’m inclined to say Lilly is definitely the better half). That said, I think it’s the rare show with a fat queer lead and there are a lot of folks who feel reflected in a way that they don’t often get to see.

There’s something particularly endearing about Lilly, the girl with two moms, a love for Xena and posters of Olivia Benson and Jennifer Garner in Alias on her wall. And her crush on Candace — the most popular girl in school — is imminently relatable.

Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp

Relationship Status: Stronger Than They Were Before

Actions often speak louder than words for Waverly Earp so, fittingly, let’s go to the video tape:

Anissa Pierce, Black Lightning

Relationship Status: All Blissed Out

For years, Grace Choi has tried to keep the ghosts of her past at bay…the deaths of her parents, her kidnapping, the trafficking ring, her real identity, her shapeshifting. And when her past threatens her future with Anissa, for fear that the woman she loves would abandon her if she knew. But Anissa loves Grace too much to just let her go so she searches for her and, in the process, discovers everything that Grace tried to keep secret.

Much to Grace’s surprise, Anissa doesn’t flinch in the face of any of it. She assures her that the revelations don’t change anything and asks Grace to stop running and just let Anissa love her. Eventually, Grace learns that the uncontrollable shapeshifting is tied to her fears of abandonment…and in Anissa, she’s found her cure.

Sophie Moore, Batwoman

Relationship Status: In An Out Relationship With A Girl

When we see Ryan Wilder with Sophie Moore for the first time, it’s not their first meeting. Ryan’s been hauled in by the Crows for questioning more times than she can count and, after spending 18 months in prison for a crime she didn’t commit, she’s just waiting for the next time Sophie and the Crows come along and pull the rug out from underneath her feet. That’s been the story of her life, really…of having the good things in her life snatched away.

It takes a while but eventually Sophie Moore becomes one of those good things and Ryan’s fear starts to take over. But Sophie’s walked away from a good thing before and she refuses to make the same mistake twice. So she shows up again and again and again for Ryan to prove that she’s not going anywhere. This time, the good is here to stay.

Kelly Olsen,Supergirl

Relationship Status: Alex’s Missing Puzzle Piece

When Kelly first meets Alex, the head of the DEO is still nursing the pain over a lost love. Soon thereafter, Kelly stands in for Kara, as Alex goes to meet the child she’s slated to adopt. And she’s there to ease Alex’s heartbreak when that plan doesn’t come to fruition. She excavates her own pain — namely, the death of her fiancée — to help Alex begin to grapple with hers. As Alex later confesses, “When you met me, I was just half a person. I was still hurting from my own wounds and you…you helped me heal.”

When Alex needs comfort, Kelly is there. When Alex needs support, Kelly is there. She is the reason Alex’s wounds turn to scars and, eventually, to memories.

Ava Sharpe, Legends of Tomorrow

Relationship Status: Co-Captains for Life

Before she proposes to Ava, Sara gets a case of cold feet. She recognizes how much she’s evolved but wonders if where she is now is just a phase and that one day, she’ll evolve into someone who Ava doesn’t love. She wonders if someday she’ll hurt Ava. Thankfully, Spooner — this stranger she just met — disavows her of those notions and Sara returns to her love’s side, determined to tell Ava how much she means to her.

She gets down on one knee and says, “When I was up there in space, floating further and further away, I realized something: no matter where I go or when I am, I will never be lost because I have you. You are my North Star. You are my guiding light, and wherever you lead me, that’s my home.”

Pamela Isley, Batwoman

Relationship Status: Living a Fantasy

To be honest, I’m surprised our A+ readers picked Renee and Pam to be part of this region. I mean, there’s a good case to be made that neither Renee nor Pam are each other’s better half…in fact, they may just be toxic for one another. Even as they make their escape from Gotham…on a freight plane to Coryana…Pam’s choice is to be with Renee, under her terms, or to jump out of the plane to a certain death. That’s not choosing love, that’s being forced into it.

But still, I can’t help but think about how Pam spent her years of desiccation, starved of water, sunlight and human contact by the person she loved most in the world. And yet, the person she thought of everyday…the person who kept her alive…was Renee. And when Pam is roused from her “sleep,” she doesn’t want vengeance, she just wants to be loved for who she is.

Caitlyn, Arcane

Relationship Status: Single? Taken? Who Knows?

As I noted with Vi, the relationship between Caitlyn and Vi isn’t the central relationship of Arcane‘s first season, it’s the sisters, Vi and Powder/Jinx, who find themselves (seemingly) on opposite sides of a class war. The sisters are orphaned as children and separated as adults, with Vi finding herself in prison. It’s Caitlyn, an ambitious enforcer, who frees Vi, much to Jinx’s consternation.

Vi and Jinx are supposed to be on the same side, Jinx contends; after all, their parents were killed by the aristocracy of Piltover and since then they’ve were forced to survive in the undercity’s slums. And even though Caitlyn has eschewed the trappings of the aristocracy (well, some of them) to work her way up through the ranks as an enforcer, Jinx can’t see her as anything but the enemy…and by “siding” with her, Vi becomes the enemy too.

Candace Powell, Astrid & Lilly Save the World

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

In the quiet moments, when it’s just Lilly and Candace, Lilly sees her best friend from the beforetimes…before Lilly was fat and before Candace was popular. Those moments were Candace at her happiest. Now, in those quiet moments with Lilly, Candace is her most honest self: lamenting the overbearing nature of her über-religious mother or perpetually disappointing boyfriend. And yes, sometimes, she even leans over and kisses Lilly right on the mouth.

But when someone breaks into that bubble…when Candace feels called again to be the school’s queen bee…that their relationship gets a bit more toxic. Even as Astrid and Lilly are fighting monsters and saving the world, there’s no respite from teenage angst…including the realization that Candace is “open” about being sexually fluid but won’t acknowledge her feelings for Lilly outside the bubble.

Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp

Relationship Status:

Waverly Earp didn’t have the easiest time growing up. Her mother institutionalized, her sister abducted, her father — or, at least, the man she thought was her father — and her other sister are always gone. No one was there to give Waverly regular affirmations of love…though, admittedly, even if they had been there, they don’t seem like affirming types. The absence of that in Waverly’s early life carries on into her adulthood. She doesn’t say the words, she just let’s her actions speak for themselves.

But even though this frustrates Nicole at points — sometimes people just want to hear the words — it doesn’t keep her from loving Waverly or from telling her that as often as she can. She’s there often enough and says “I love you” with such regularity and sincerity…until Waverly recognizes that words — “I really, really love you” — matter too.

Grace Choi, Black Lightning

Relationship Status: Hitched

When Jefferson Pierce first meets Grace Choi, he’s angry…angry that she knows about Anissa’s powers and secret identity. Anissa assures him that her secret — their secrets — are safe because she trust Grace with her life. Jefferson scoffs at the notion, assuming that Grace is just another warm body in Anissa’s bed who will soon be replaced by another.

While it’s easy to be mad at Jefferson in that moment, his skepticism about Anissa is warranted, given her history. Since Black Lightning‘s easiest episodes, Anissa has shown herself to be a commitment-phobe…deftly navigating her way out of a relationships anytime her partner asks for more. As Carmen wondered at the time, “What if Anissa Pierce has been a Shane McCutcheon this whole time?”

But Grace is different. She compels Anissa to change…to realize that there’s value in commitment and love and partnership. Who knew that it’d be the leopard to tame Freeland’s most notorious playgirl?

You’ve got 48 hours to cast your ballot and marshal all the energy of the fandom to vote for your faves. We’ll be back this Sunday with the results and a new region for you to vote on.

Autostraddle March Madness: Better Halves — Generation Q

When I set out to do this year’s contest, I wasn’t expecting to do a The L Word: Generation Q region. Sure, we’ve all got some feelings about our favorite Gen Q characters and couples…but an entire region? But two things changed my mind: first, I knew that if I offered the show’s relationships as options for the selection committee, they’d likely win, pushing some of our favorite pairings in the GROWN region out of the competition. But second, and perhaps more importantly: few shows exist that better illustrate this year’s theme of Better Halves.

Thanks to the work of our A+ Selection Committee, the Generation Q region is populated from some of our favorite couples from the show. And before anyone asks: “Yes, Sinley was an option and no, it did not fall within the top 8 couples.” Trust me, I was as surprised as you were. I guess their Season 2 story did more to dampen enthusiasm for the couple than I’d anticipated. Still, though, what makes this region the most interesting of the tournament is that you’ve got multiple characters in multiple relationships…and it really forces you to think about what makes someone a “better half.”

Since she didn’t make the field, let’s use Finley as an example. If she were an option, you’d be free to pick Finley because she reminds you of yourself or because she reminds you of the exact type of women to whom you are attracted. But what if you’d been forced to choose between Finley with Rebecca and Finley with Sophie? That begs the question: which of Finley’s girlfriend made her the best version of herself? Who made Finley the better half?

Speculation aside, let’s get down to brass tacks: which of the 16 participants in the Gen Q region will move onto the field of 32?

Dani Nùñez (with Gigi), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: Temporarily Detained

When Dani meets Gigi for the first time, she’s just coming off the worst heartbreak of her life. She tries to excuse her reluctance by saying that she doesn’t want to do to Bette what was done to her by Sophie. Gigi doesn’t believe her but she doesn’t say anything; she gives Dani the space to come to that conclusion on her own. Finally, she asks the question she’s been holding onto since they first crossed paths: “is this real?” Because the chemistry is palpable between them and, of course, Dani can feel it…but she doesn’t trust it because she’s been hurt before.

Over time, that hurt yields to Gigi’s unrelenting passion and candor…and in its wake, it leaves a better Dani. One who doesn’t retreat into her shell when problems happen. One who isn’t afraid to stand up for herself, even in front of her intimidating father. One who meets Gigi’s openness with her own, one who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable and ambitious. One who is the best version of herself.

Dani Nùñez (with Sophie),The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: So Over

Late in Gen Q‘s pilot, Dani busies herself trying to set-up a romantic scene: there are candles and wine (which she takes a sip of, to calm her nerves). Then Sophie comes rushing in — after a shitty day at work — and collapses on the wrong chair. Dani makes her move…she’s imagined this scenario so many times and in that imagined version of this marriage proposal Sophie was sitting on the couch. It seems miniscule but that moment is so emblematic of what was wrong with Dani and Sophie’s relationship. They were never going to match up to Dani’s imagined version.

But in the quiet (read: post-coital) moments of “Lake House,” you get the sense that it wasn’t always that way…that once upon a time, these two genuinely knew each other like no one else did.

Alice Pieszecki (with Nat), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: Over

There’s this cheesy Salma Hayek romcom that I used to watch every time I caught it playing on cable and in the penultimate scene, the protagonist — a WASPy guy from upstate New York — professes his love saying, “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted.” I suspect that’s how Alice must’ve felt when she fell in love with Nat Bailey. The wife, the two kids, the picket fence…it’s not the life Alice would’ve imagined for herself…but by the end of Season 1, it’s all she wants.

Alice Pieszecki (with Tom), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

Alice has lived an extroverted life: first the radio show, now the television show that bears her name. Alice is as public as any person can possibly be. But still, there are pieces of Alice’s life that are reserved for her…that have well-drawn boundaries around them. Enter Tom, the dorky but charming book editor, who’s ready to push against those boundaries. Alice resists — if Dana can’t still be her own, at least her grief can — but Tom doesn’t give up and eventually she relents. The move makes Alice’s book better…but it also makes her better: opening herself up to the possibility that she might be able to fully love again.

(Also, points for just remembering that Alice is bisexual? Well, sort of.)

Bette Porter (with Pippa), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: TBD

Early in Season 2, when Bette lists her criteria for a new mate, Shane and Alice scoff at the notion that she really wants a career woman who is as passionate about her work as she is. What Bette really needs, they suggest, is a “wifey wife-wife kind of type” who will “deal with the stuff [Bette] can’t be bothered with.” Pippa Pascal is certainly not that.

Pippa and her work exceed Bette’s lofty expectations and, in the process, she forces Bette to level up. She pushes Bette to become a better art dealer and pushes Bette to reckon with blackness and queerness in ways she never knew she needed. Pippa challenges Bette and, ultimately, turns her into a better person.

Micah Lee (with Maribel), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: In Amor

When we first meet him, Micah is a fixture on dating apps. He opts for the easier path, hoping to escape the inherent vulnerability that comes with being in a relationship. And when Micah’s relationship with José collapses under the weight of José’s secrets, you think for a moment that Micah will regress but, instead, he starts to reconsider who he is and what (and who) he wants. It’s his friendship and his budding attraction to Maribel that drives this self-discovery. The relationship doesn’t proceed without bumps in the road but, in the end, Micah discovers the best version of himself is in a loving relationship with Maribel.

Is it the best bisexual story that either iteration of The L Word has ever told? Quite possibly.

Shane McCutcheon (with Tess), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: LDR, maybe?

Shane McCutcheon is used to being the one that’s chased. She crosses paths with someone, sparks fly, and then we’re off to the races. But with Tess, it’s different. Tess is so sure of who she is and what she wants, that she doesn’t immediately yield to Shane’s charms (the fact that Shane slept with Tess’ then-girlfriend probably didn’t help). But even when she’s rebuffed by Tess, Shane keeps trying: she courts Tess, in hopes of winning her affection. Finally, the chased has become the chaser.

In fact, she might chase her all the way to Las Vegas…because, as Shane seems to agree, “a love like [what she has with Tess] doesn’t come around that often and when it does you have to be willing to do crazy shit to keep it.”

Bette Porter (with Gigi), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: Over Before It Began

I try to write these things and make the best case for voting for each participant, irrespective of what I think. But Bette when she’s with Gigi, though? I’m not sure that there’s a case to be made for Bette here. Can’t we all just agree that it she was uniformly terrible? Bette laid out this list of things she’s after in a mate and Gigi hit every mark…and yet, she never really gives her a chance to be anything other that a fuck buddy. It’s Bette at her worst.

That said, it does remind me of a real version of that fever dream from the OG show where Bette kisses Helena — just the two hottest people on the show, making out, NBD — and for that, I’m eternally grateful…even if Bette was an ass.

Gigi Ghorbani (with Dani), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: Temporarily Detained

For this one, let’s go to the video tape:

I rest my case.

Sophie Suarez (with Dani),The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: So Over*

It takes until Sophie’s relationship with Dani is over* for me to finally get a glimpse of why they were together in the first place. They’re lying in bed together, after comfort turns to passion, and they just seem to get each other. Sophie sees how sexy Dani’s ambition is, Dani recognizes Sophie’s heart. Their relationship had gotten too hard and it shouldn’t have been…and in Ojai we see that, maybe, it wasn’t always that way.

Maybe, in the before-times, Sophie pushed Dani to go after the things she wanted at work…to challenge the patriarchy and to show everyone that she deserved to be in the room. It’s easy to imagine that…and it’s easy to imagine the fire she stoked in Dani also being the thing that ultimately doomed their relationship.

(*This assumes that they are over…which everyone seems to have accepted as fact…but that no one’s firmly said and I don’t know that I entirely believe. Are they this generation’s Tina and Bette?)

Nat Bailey (with Alice), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: Over

The initial decision to invite Nat’s ex-wife into the bed she shares with Alice may have been an impulsive one, spurned by a few too many drinks at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, it ends up being a life-altering one for Nat Bailey. It opens her up to the possibility that relationships can exist in a different way that she’s always known. It breaks down all her conventional ideas of what love should look like — the wife, the kids, the white picket fence — and allows herself to imagine something new. And yet, when Alice says that she’s fine with the conventional…that she wants Nat and the conventional…Nat readily sacrifices her exploration and seeks to build a life with the woman she loves.

Tom (with Alice), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

Did I think that a cis man would make it onto our field for March Madness? No, I did not. But I get it, A+ members, I do….there’s something about Tom, right? The way he uses humor to break down Alice’s walls (and ours, if we’re being honest). The way he evokes his own losses and shortcomings to find common ground with Alice. The way he pushes Alice to mine her emotional depth, rather than allowing her to rest on her ability to be funny. Plus? He seems so thrilled just to be on Alice’s arm…like he knows he hit the jackpot with her. It’s endearing…and you find yourself liking him and cheering for them, despite yourself.

Pippa (with Bette), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: TBD

Early in Gen Q‘s second season, Bette announces her criteria for her next mate: has kids of her own, isn’t married, isn’t straight, has a career and must be passionate about her work. Pippa checks off every box on Bette’s list. But what Pippa brings to the table — and what Bette is wholly unprepared for, at first — is her firm and unrelenting sense of self and how that makes Bette want to re-evaluate everything she’s ever thought about herself.

Does Pippa make Bette into a better version of herself? As an activist and an art dealer? Absolutely. And perhaps, by pushing Bette to interrogate her blackness, Pippa makes Bette a better mother: someone who can understand the challenges that Angelica’s vocalized. But a better partner? Well, the jury’s still out on that one.

Maribel Suarez (with Micah), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: In Amor

During the Suarez family dinner during “Last Dance,” it’s clear that Maribel’s mother has few expectations of her daughter’s love life…or as Maribel succinctly puts it, “My mom doesn’t think that anyone’s gonna want to date me.” The moment — however divorced from everything else we’ve seen from the Suarez family — does a lot to explain Maribel’s reluctance to jump into a full-fledged relationship with Micah. People put you down enough, you start to believe it. But, as the dinner goes on, it’s clear that Maribel’s relationship with Micah has undone some of that programming…and she’s started to believe that she can be loved.

Tess Van De Berg (with Shane), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: LDR, maybe?

When most people meet Shane, you know right away if there’s going to be something…she meets someone, sparks fly and maybe a relationship will blossom (though, probably not). But that’s not the way things go with Tess. As the manager of the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern explains during poker night, “I hated Shane for sleeping with my girlfriend, but look at us now: we’re friends.” Everyone who’s known Shane at the table chuckles…because when in her life has Shane ever been friendzoned?

That’s the great thing about Tess, though: she challenges Shane in ways that she’s never been challenged. She makes Shane step up and be a person that’s worthy of her.

Gigi Ghorbani (with Bette), The L Word: Generation Q

Relationship Status: Over Before It Began

Gigi’s first date with Bette is a blind date. Alice and Nat set them up, in an effort give their former third something else to focus on (or, as I read it: so neither of them will be tempted to want to sleep with Gigi again). It’s not clear to Gigi, immediately, that Bette isn’t here for a real relationship so she makes a genuine effort to win her over. But when Gigi presses Bette for more honest and candid conversation…when she asks to be more than a booty call…Bette stubbornly refuses. Thankfully, though, Gigi knows her worth and finds a relationship where she’s valued.

Now that I’ve refreshed your memory…it’s time to vote!

The Essay I Wrote About Santana Lopez When I Was 19 and Closeted, Annotated by My Present Self

It’s 2011, fall semester. I’m a sophomore at University of Michigan, closeted, extreme and extremely online (tumblr dot com, obviously). Every week, I host Glee watch parties in my dorm room, friends piling onto my bed and my roommate’s bed so we can watch the Fox teen musical from the wild mind of Ryan Murphy while sometimes drinking smuggled Smirnoff ice and not-smuggled snacks from the downstairs cafe, including mozzarella sticks that tasted more like the approximation of mozzarella sticks but were cheap and there so we ate them anyway. I’m enrolled in a one-credit course called Pop Culture & Feminism just for fun, because I thought it would be neat and cool to do a full 18-credit course load because, yes, I love school, and also it’s taught by a Graduate School Instructor as part of her program requirements who’s not much older than me and very smart and maybe attractive but I definitely would not notice that, of course not, no way!!!!!!

Anyway, because this GSI is trying to be Cool Teacher, our big project we’re working on all semester is a zine of mini essays about, you guessed it, pop culture and feminism. I write one about Sassy Magazine, even though I’m too young to really remember Sassy Magazine, but she mentions during the first week of class how much she loves Sassy Magazine, and, well, I think we’ve established what a lot of my motivating factors are (impressing women in authority positions). I also write about Josie Gellar from the feature film Never Been Kissed and kinda miss the mark on a feminist reading the text, but I’m young and green, so let’s not dwell on that too much!

And lastly, my pièce de résistance for our class zine: a 700ish word essay praising and critiquing Glee that becomes, specifically, an ode to Santana Lopez (and Naya Rivera). I’m definitely not gay, no way, just ultra-passionate about queer representation on television, like all other straight girls are, you know? Just like how I hooked up with a girl for the first time over the summer but am still blazing forward with the whole heterosexuality thing and have told no one, not a soul, not even — especially? — not my roommate who is also my best friend. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG!!!!

I recently had the joy and ache of revisiting this tiny piece of pop culture criticism by tiny writer Kayla, and I thought it would be more cringe, but it actually made me feel a tenderness for my younger self, so unsure of who she was, an insecurity that bleeds onto the page. So here it is, my Santana Lopez Memorandum, originally published in a long lost zine for a fluff course at Michigan, reprinted here — original typos and all! — with some bonus annotations by my present self.

From the very beginning, the popular TV show Glee has been championing gay teen story lines. [HAS IT?]  Ryan Murphy, the show’s creator, is openly gay and recently has started pointing out the important role that sexuality plays in his show. [uhhhh citation needed? I mean like literally citation needed. I know this was for a print zine so not linkable but you’re a future writer+journalist, so maybe learn how to quote someone/reference sources idk!]

However, a key problem I have had with Glee [ONE! Just ONE key problem with Glee! Oh to be so young and not yet completely disillusioned by the work of one Ryan Murphy. I wish I could go back in time and describe the Glee final season to my younger self, because she would not believe me??? She thought Glee was PEAK TV!!!!] is the fact that while it has done a great job exploring the lives of gay male teens through Kurt and, more recently, Blaine [again…HAS IT?], the show has not given much attention to its female characters who might be struggling with their sexuality.  Until recently, any queer  woman story lines have been largely gimmicky and not real. [let’s ignore the extremely awkward wording of this sentence, but I was onto something that would remain true for a lot of future Murphy projects!]

However, all of this changed in the 15th episode of Glee’s current season. [DRAmATIc claims were def my thing back then, huh]  The episode, titled “Sexy,” focused on Santana Lopez, who is arguably — especially after “Sexy” — [omg I didn’t know how to do em dashes yet! Bless my heart!] one of the best female characters currently on television. [ok FACTS…at the time]  But before we start talking about Santana’s story line in “Sexy,” let’s jump back to episode four of the second season, “Duets.” [interesting structure to this essay and by interesting I mean bewildering]  This episode features Glee’s first girl-on-girl scene. [“girl-on-girl scene” does sound VERY 2011]  Santana and her best friend Brittany are cuddling and kissing in bed.  When Brittany implies that she wants more of an emotional connection, Santana quickly shuts the door on that possibility, causing Brittany to drift towards Artie, who she starts dating by the end of the episode.

At first, I was angered by this character arc in “Duets.”  [I just realized I did two spaces after periods throughout this entire thing! tbt!] Glee was finally exploring queer issues from a female perspective, but it failed to go deep into the issue.  The moment was rushed and seemed completely stripped of any realness.  We didn’t get to hear how the character’s [this typo is killing me I can’t believe I’d become an editor at my college newspaper’s arts section like six months after this] felt about the situation and by the episode’s end it was almost like the “Britana” [I MISSPELLED BRITANNA SOMEONE TAKE MY TUMBLR GAY CARD AWAY] moment never happened.  The arc was completely ignored for several episodes!  To quote drunk Santa, “No me gusta!” [ok]

This brings us to “Sexy.”  In hindsight, we now see that Santana didn’t blow off Brittany because the writers were uninterested in pursuing a complex and poignant “Britana” [omfg this misspelling will haunt me] story line.  She blew her off because she was deeply conflicted about her own sexuality.  And in “Sexy,” she confronts the conflict head-on.  In a heart-wrenching moment but the school lockers [did like anyone proofread this?], Santana shares her true feelings with Brittany:

“I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in glee club, because it made me do a lot of thinking.  What I realized is why I’m such a bitch all the time.  I’m a bitch because I’m angry, angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you that I’m afraid of dealing with, because I’m afraid of dealing with the consequences…do you understand what I’m trying to say here?  I wanna be with you, but I’m afraid of the talks and the looks…I’m so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back.  Still, I have to accept that I love you.”
[to this day, I do love a blockquote moment]

After this believable and visceral monologue, Brittany explains that she doesn’t want to break up with Artie.  She goes in for a reassuring hug,but Santana pushes her away.  “Don’t.  Get off me.”

While Santana’s confession was certainly shocking, it did not come out of left field like many other spontaneous Glee relationships (Murphy has actually been quoted as saying I was bored for an explanation as to why he chose to end a relationship between two characters on the show). [LMAO wait this is so funny — was this a real quote??? I can’t find it????? PLS if someone can verify this lmk but for now I will simply call my younger self’s journalistic integrity into question but also…LMAO]  But the developments in “Sexy” do not seem to be the product of writer boredom.  In fact, this seems to be the most realistic and complex relationship arc that’s ever been featured on Glee.

The most important moment in “Sexy,” however, is not the heart-breaking locker scene.  The most significant moment happens when Santana and Brittany have a talk with Holly Holiday, the substitute sex-ed teacher.  Holly, played by guest star Gwyneth Paltrow, asks both girls if either of them thinks they might be a lesbian.  Brittany replies, “I don’t know.”  Santana says, “Yeah, I mean, who knows?  I’m attracted to girls and I’m attracted to guys.”

I can’t think of any other female character currently on television who doesn’t identify as gay or straight or bisexual, but just as herself.  Santana is Santana.  Don’t put her in a sexuality box!  She is a woman who is attracted to both men and women.  And that’s that. [sure, some people indeed do not like labels, but this does ping so overtly as me writing about myself while writing about Santana and, ultimately, avoiding labels because I was afraid. again, there are plenty of reasons to not identify with specific labels, but at the time I wrote this, I knew I was gay. I knew I was a lesbian. I just couldn’t say it yet, not to myself, not to anyone. And I think that drew me to this storyline. It gave me a way in to write about queerness. It gave me a way in to start thinking about these questions for myself.]

I can’t finish without mentioning Naya Rivera, the actress who plays Santana, and the fact that she totally sold the story to me.  [ok this makes me sad :( ] Not every young actress could have pulled off the locker scene so convincingly.  I’m completely serious when I say that this girl needs to start compiling her Emmy reel ASAP! [also true and also SAD :((((( ]

Autostraddle March Madness: Fill Out Your Better Halves Brackets Now!

The idea for this year’s theme of March Madness actually started percolating in my head three years ago.

We’d made it to the Elite 8 of the March Madness contest celebrating the best coming out stories and voters were faced with a choice between the two sides of one ship: Juliana Valdés and Valentina Carvajal of Amar a Muerte. It had always seemed inevitable that Juliantina would make the International regional finals but how were fans supposed to choose between the two halves of their favorite ship? Turns out, there was no clear answer: though Juliana would win the contest, the lead volleyed back and forth through the 48 voting period. Had the contest even gone on 30 minutes longer, it’s easy to imagine Valentina having won…that’s how close it was.

I started wondering how someone chooses between two halves of a ship. Is their overall favorite the character that they see themselves in the most? Or is their overall favorite the one that they’re most attracted to? Is your favorite the character that excites you more or who gets more screentime? What makes one character the better half?

And that’s how we got to this year’s theme: Better Halves.

We began this year’s March Madness competition earlier this week when we invited our A+ members to join our selection committee. Their job was to sort through some of our favorite ships, from recently aired shows, across four different categories: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Baby Gays, GROWN and, as a special addition for this year’s tournament, Gen Q. It’s not an easy task and our A+ members did an incredible job. Their picks are going to make for some of the most difficult choices in the history of Autostraddle March Madness.

But this isn’t a couples competition, this is about finding the better half…so I took the members’ picks and split them down the middle. One half of the pairing is on one side, the other half on the other wise. Which half of some of your favorite pairings do you like the best? Is there a pairing that the fandom loves so much that they’ll meet in the Finals? We’ll find out starting next week… but before we get there, it’s time for everyone to make some predictions!

That’s right, after overwhelming success last year, we’re bringing back the bracket challenge!

For the uninitiated, the bracket challenge is an opportunity for our readers to predict the outcomes of the tournament before a single vote has been cast! Be particularly alert in the Generation Q section, as A+ members some characters are featured in multiple pairings.

How do you pick? There’s no secret recipe…if there was, my bracket for the NCAA men’s tournament wouldn’t be in shambles right now (*shakes fist at Kentucky*). You can pick the cutest character to advance or just pick your favorites. You can look at what fandoms are trending on twitter or which fandoms are producing the most fanfic. Whatever helps you make a decision.

Get your picks in now! The bracket challenge will close on March 21, just before the first round of March Madness voting begins. With each round of new voting, I’ll update readers on who’s leading in the bracket challenge.

Register for the bracket challenge now at: autostraddle.challonge.com/betterhalves

Did The “Arthur” Finale Just Confirm The Lesbian Is A Lesbian?!?

We here at Autostraddle dot com know that this news hasn’t been confirmed yet — but we also love to fuel lesbian canon and grown-up Francine Frenksy from PBS’ Arthur is giving us ALL the dyke vibes.

Buster became a teacher, Muffy became a politician, Francine is a cool lesbian sneaker designer (as was her destiny), DW is the feds (lmaoooo) and Binky is a weatherman 😭 I can’t believe it’s over!!!! I’m unwell!!!!!

— Leah Johnson (@byleahjohnson) February 21, 2022

We loved her for being the first Megan Rapinoe. We loved her for never giving up on her secret crush on Muffy. We loved her for all of the times she got angry and threw out the best comebacks heard on children’s television. Now we love her for having an undercut, rolled-up suit sleeves, and a political agenda.

After 25 years of the show being on the air, Arthur ended yesterday with us getting a glimpse into our beloved characters’ futures. In the final episode titled “All Grown Up”, we learn that Buster is a teacher, Arthur is a graphic novel writer, Muffy is a politician — and Francine is a professional dyke. Walking up behind Muffy, George agrees to hang her campaign poster in the Sugar Bowl saying, “I’ll do anything to get that Mayor Hirsch out of office!”. And queer as ever, Francine (with her undercut, cuffed blazer, and gold hoop earrings) says, “Why doesn’t he retire already?”. Buster then compliments her on her sneakers which is when we learn that she runs her own super hip sneaker company and is also my future wife. It’s also worth noting that Fran is voiced by actress and singer, Jodie Resther, who played 90s tomboy icon (and possibly the coolest member of the Midnight Society) Kiki on “Are You Afraid of The Dark”! 

This isn’t the first time Arthur has written in queer-coded characters. You might remember when the internet went bananas when their teacher Mr. Ratburn got married to a man a few seasons back. More dykey dots were connected when Mr. Ratburn’s sister specifically pulls Francine aside before her brother’s wedding to let her know that he especially thinks Fran is a special kid, and says, “Nigel considers his students to be part of his family. I guess that makes us family, too!”  So let me get this (not so) straight: An aardvark inspired and voiced by Jane Lynch is welcoming the star soccer player, masc-of-center girl to her “family” at a gay wedding? HOW DID WE MISS THIS?!

https://twitter.com/bootlegGhost/status/1128097081795719169?s=20&t=7awrjjt9LnMFX_o-wL535Q

Even though my jaw dropped as Francine walked through the door in the finale, I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Growing up I always had a fascination with Francine. Even though I didn’t become sporty until later in college, I always admired her soccer skills thinking it was so “cool” (cough cough, hot) that she was so good at a “boys” sport. In my favorite Arthur spinoff, Arthur’s Perfect Christmas, Francine stands up for her culture, religion, and family when Muffy tries to tell her — very insensitively — that Christmas is more important than Hannukkah. Francine shares her heritage and traditions, asking Muffy “Do you understand why that’s really important to me?” Her values were so similar to mine, and even though I’m not Jewish, I felt I could relate to her reverence for her own family’s history.

Even though she was never as smart as Arthur or as funny as Buster, she was extremely loyal. Through all of the drama, narcissism, and elitism that Muffy threw at her, Francine always gave their friendship another chance once they both explained and communicated their hurts. She was always the over communicator in her relationships, which feels like another gay reason why I grew up adoring her. She defended her friends with a ferocity that I recognize; one that I’ve seen in myself as I’ve formed queer family in periods where I needed a support system or where friends needed a family of their own.

I remember my siblings and I watching Arthur on our mini 90s Samsung TV, angled towards the kitchen so we could eat our cereal and watch our favorite show before heading off to school. When Arthur came on, the world always felt a little brighter and a little kinder. Just like Arthur, I carry my library card around everywhere and use it to discover the world around me. Only now, instead of checking out books on sea creatures or space, I’m checking out The Essential Dykes To Watch Out For — knowing full well that Francine would be reading it right alongside me.

https://t.co/U0DRINCkFO pic.twitter.com/SU8i1i3e4B

— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) February 21, 2022

Slow Takes: “In My Skin” and the Value of Second Chances

I’ve been lucky enough to interview some of my favorite living artists. I’ve gotten to ask them about their work and how they navigate the industry. I’ve gotten paid to take personalized masterclasses in the guise of journalism. And yet one of my favorite interviews I’ve ever conducted was with two artists who left me frustrated.

In July of 2020, I spoke to writer/creator Kayleigh Llewellyn and director Lucy Forbes about their new series In My Skin. The show is about Bethan, a Welsh teenager whose queerness is the least of her secrets. Her mom has bipolar, her dad is abusive, her family is lower income than any of her classmates, and she doesn’t want any of them to know. Gabrielle Creevy as Bethan and Jo Hartley as her mother Trina give astounding performances that are matched by Llewellyn’s semi-autobiographical writing. Portrayals of mental illness and poverty are often hollow — here they hold all the nuance these stories deserve.

It’s a great show, and I gave it a mostly positive review. But there was one aspect of In My Skin I found frustrating. Bethan’s crush Poppy is the school’s resident mean girl. Throughout the series their dynamic is one we’ve seen before — semi-closeted outcast crushes on hot straight girl who may be extremely closeted herself. Zadeiah Campbell-Davies’ performance as Poppy seemed to deepen the archetype, and her chemistry with Creevy felt surprisingly real. This made it all the more disappointing when the final episode turned her back into a basic mean girl — not because a betrayal from her felt unrealistic, but because it was done in a way that flattened the character. It was a lack of complexity in a show that thrived in that very thing. It was made all the more frustrating that Campbell-Davies was one of the few actors of color.

I began the interview talking to Llewellyn about her experiences breaking into the industry. Television — like most of the arts — is not a hospitable place for people who don’t come from familial wealth. It was interesting to contrast that with Lucy Forbes discussing her experience as a woman director. That alone felt like — and undoubtedly was — a disadvantage, but she was able to work her way up the system with an ease that wouldn’t be possible for someone like Llewellyn or someone else with additional structural disadvantages.

When I turned the conversation to Poppy, I felt like we were able to continue with the same complexity. Making a television show is hard — especially when it’s your first — and everybody (EVERYBODY) has gaps. It’s why collaboration is so important. And Llewellyn especially seemed to already be reflecting on this. It was clear that Poppy being the only girl of color happened by accident — not an excuse, but an explanation. Their priority was to cast actors who were actually Welsh — accurate representation has so many levels — and beyond Bethan and her family the rest of the casting didn’t consider race. I certainly don’t begrudge choosing Campbell-Davies — she’s great in the part — and that she ended up being the bully while the bullied are all white was just by chance. And as far as the finale flattening her character, Llewellyn explained that because their show was lower budget their season was only five episodes rather than the usual six.

I loved this interview. Rather than being defensive, Llewellyn walked through the thought process and acknowledged her limitations. And so, I was totally caught off guard when one of the show’s publicists reached out asking me to retract my review. He stated that while I was entitled to my opinion, “it critiques something that is not in the story.” The argument being that because the roles were written without ethnicity in mind and because Bethan’s supportive teacher and her mother’s nurse are Black, that the critique was unfounded. I responded reassuring him that they should feel proud of the show and that overall I really liked it. I said the issue wasn’t villain vs. caretaker, but rather characters granted complexity vs. those who are not.

The more I thought about it, the more I understood this email. It’s the same impulse that causes fans of an artist or a work of art to get upset when people level critiques. It’s this idea that art is all good or all bad and to point out the way a work has missed — specifically in a political way — is to place it in the “bad” category.

Especially when art is made by marginalized voices, we don’t often lead with compassion. We’re all so starved for work about those of us who have long been underrepresented that when something falters we write it off with frustration. It’s a shame, because artists are people and people can grow, TV shows are made by people and TV shows can grow.

This is all to say that the second and final series of In My Skin is one of the best seasons of television I’ve ever seen. Not only does it resolve my frustrations from last season, but it somehow improves upon everything it was already doing so well. This is a show about structural oppression and the importance of second chances. It’s a show made despite the structural oppression Llewellyn faced as a queer woman from a lower income family. I’m so glad it got a second chance.

The second season — directed by Molly Manners — immediately introduces Cam. Cam is from Manchester and with her natural charm and strong opinions, she’s easy to fall in love with. Bethan does just that.

As I said in my response to the publicist, inclusivity is about complexity of character more than it is that character’s role in the story. Beyond inclusion, it just makes for better television when all of the major characters feel like in their own world they are the protagonist. That is exactly the case here. It’s not just that Cam is Black and Bethan’s love interest. It’s that as written by Llewelyn and as played by Rebekah Murrell, Cam feels like a real person. She’s not simplistic or even all that nice. She has a wit and a harshness that matches Bethan’s own wit and harshness. They communicate through a teasing banter that feels uniquely theirs.

Bethan’s journey throughout season two is learning to finally open up, to stop lying, and to actually rely on others. Cam becomes someone who allows all three to occur. If last season fell into a usual queer teen narrative, this season is radical in the ways it avoids easy conflict. Within the first episode, Bethan learns that Cam is queer, spends time with her, and they kiss. Like most of the best real life romances, it all feels so easy.

And that’s not to say Bethan doesn’t still have conflict — even conflict with Cam — it’s just that these conflicts arise in a way that matches the grounded realism of the rest of the show. There were several moments where I thought I knew where the plot was turning and it always turned somewhere far more interesting.

The best example is in the second episode when Bethan goes on a university visit with her class. Cam doesn’t go, because Cam isn’t interested in college — her plan is to go to Marseille and work in the arts. Bethan and Poppy are charged with assigning rooms, and it’s clear that Poppy is feeling jealous about Cam. Not only does this episode allow Poppy further complexity, but it also doesn’t fall into any easy narrative traps. When Poppy tries to hook up with Bethan, Bethan doesn’t give in. When Cam asks later about the rumors that have already spread, Bethan tells the truth. Cam immediately believes her.

There is enough drama in Bethan’s life that the show doesn’t need to force anything. These five episodes are a balance of tones, being true to Bethan’s challenges while never feeling cheap or maudlin. Like in the first season, it’s Llewellyn’s personal experience that allows the show to avoid the sort of trauma porn these stories usually become. It’s a testament to her skill as an artist that this season goes a step further, expanding the fullness of characters beyond Bethan, her friends, and her family, while still keeping Bethan’s journey at the center.

One of the strengths of television as an art form is that it can shift with years of new awareness and experience. Movie sequels and book series have similar opportunities, but with television it’s intrinsic to the medium. From pilot to first season to second season and beyond, there are so many chances for collaboration, so many chances for growth. And yet creators are often too stubborn to receive feedback — much to their shows’ detriments.

Since I started writing criticism, I can think of four shows that I adored with major caveats. The complaints I had were not ones I had alone, but part of a chorus of feedback from critics and fans alike. I’m sympathetic to how loud this chorus might be when trying to make a TV show. But it’s not a coincidence that shows like In My Skin and Sex Education that worked to fix their gaps returned with even better seasons. Meanwhile, shows like Euphoria and The L Word: Generation Q that doubled down on their limited perspectives have faltered. As Llewellyn said in our interview, “It’s just a better industry with more diversity in it. It’s going to be more enjoyable to shoot shows and there are going to be better shows on TV. We’re going to make better content so it serves everyone to increase diversity.”

I’ve purposefully avoided any major spoilers in this piece, because I know not enough people have watched this show yet. This is what happens to small queer shows with a unique perspective — they drop quietly on Hulu and are missed even by queer publications. But this show is too good to be ignored. This season especially is too good to be ignored.

As I watched the last episodes of In My Skin, I felt desperate for Bethan to have a happy ending. My usual arguments against simplicity in queer media disappeared and I just wanted joy for this person I’d grown to care about so deeply. But then I remembered this show is semi-autobiographical. It does have a happy ending: Someday, Kayleigh Llewellyn gets her very own TV show. Someday, she will tell her story to the world. And when that day comes she’s not content to hide within her own challenges. She understands the responsibility she’s been given and she’s determined to grow. As she said in our interview: “The more I work in this industry the more I feel like there’s no point being here if I’m not lowering the ladder down and helping other people.”

That feels like a happy ending to me. And, if we’re lucky, an even happier beginning.

 Slow Takes is a series of “belated” reviews by Drew Gregory of queer art released last year that Autostraddle didn’t cover.

Very Special Gay Episode: In 1986, Golden Girls Created the Most Enduring Lesbian Joke on Television

Welcome to Very Special Gay Episode, a fun little series where we recap of standalone lesbian episodes from classic TV shows that are not otherwise necessarily gay. In this installment, we will discuss Golden Girls Season Two, Episode Five: “Isn’t It Romantic?”

I didn’t really start watching Golden Girls until Betty White died. I mean, I am gay, so I knew enough to get along. I had the basic rubric covered, if you will: all the words to the theme song, that Blanche is… let’s say, sex positive, Sophia’s snark is legendary, Rose is ditzy and Dorothy has the all the quotable one-liners.

This is redundant to say about what’s considered one of the greatest sitcoms ever created, but I’ve been stunned — and I mean just straight up floored! — by how tight the jokes are in Golden Girls. Every refrain is a one-two punch. Watching it this month, I could barely recover from my first laugh when the next came barreling in, either a light cackled Huh or a straight up fucking screammmm. It’s also infinitely comforting — right from the earliest chords of “Thank You for Being a Friend,” which again, yes, I am the last one to the party here. I know it. Don’t judge me.

But not knowing Golden Girls isn’t the same as being lost to its looming legacy, right? I first heard the infamous “Lebanese joke” when Santana Lopez came out on Glee a decade ago. Her future girlfriend and wife, Brittany, knew but the rest of the Glee Club didn’t yet. So when everyone went to perform Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” proudly wearing black-and-white t-shits declaring what made them different, Britney makes a shirt for Santana that says “Lebanese” — Santana’s confused, “I’m Hispanic.”

More than a decade before that, when Ellen pretty much changed gay television as we know it (and it’s sad where we are with Ellen now, but it’s still true), she joked on the The Rosie O’Donnell Show in ’96 about coming out as “Lebanese”, even though neither comedian was out yet.

So that brings us back to Golden Girls because 10 years before Ellen, 25 years before Santana (and if you’re keeping track — 35 years from today), Blanche Devereaux launched the joke that just will not die.

Because you see, all the way in 1986 Dorothy had a gay friend. That gay friend was Jean, who as Sophia correctly clocked back when the girls were in college — is a lesbiannnnn. Le gasp!

To quote Sophia, “Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I’d rather live with a lesbian than a cat… unless the lesbian sheds, that I don’t know!” (Is announcing your lesbian character with a cat joke a bit stereotypical? Sure, but we’re still making cat jokes now in 2022. This is 1986! When cat jokes were fresh! 10 out of 10. No notes.)

(Did I mention that Jean the lesbian is hot? It matters that she’s hot.)

So Jean was married to Pat, who’s recently passed on. The other women in the house have been assuming that Pat was a man and Dorothy’s been unsure about what to say.

Jean tells her that she’s fine with being a lesbian, “I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of who I am” and that if the roommates can handle it, “I’d prefer to tell them” — that is until Rose comes out, right on time as always, with Clown Sundaes, complete with raisins for eyes and ice cream cones turned upside down as party hats. If this had been me that obviously gay sundae would’ve only been more reason to drop the news, but Pat worries that The L Word will just be a little bit too much… so they decide to keep it to themselves.

Blanche: “Dorothy has told us so much about you, I feel as if we’re bosom buddies.”
Dorothy, to Sophia: “Ma, not a word.”’

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THOSE TIGHT ONE-TWO QUIPS. What. Did. I. Say!!!! Ok moving on.

When Rose tells story of growing up in Saint Olaf (it’s always Saint Olaf) and her dairy cow, it’s not hard to see right away — Jean’s smitten. Soon they’re regular lunch dates during Jean’s time together and really “hitting it off,” according to Blanche.

In fact, Jean decides she’s needs to leave early. Dorothy worries that something serious has happened back home. And no, it’s not “back home” but damn it is serious. Jean thinks she’s falling in love with Rose. Jean hasn’t felt this way since Pat died. Alright, so record scratch —

How long has Jean been in the house? A week MAX? And already she’s in love with Rose, a woman she certainly hasn’t known more than 7 days. But also we’re talking about lesbians here. So sure, that tracks. Back to the show —

Wrestling with Jean’s news, Dorothy can’t sleep, she wakes Sophia up.

Dorothy: “How would you react if you were told one of your kids were gay?”
Sophia: “Your brother Phil is gay? I knew it! When he was a kid we couldn’t keep him away from those Gladiator movies.”
Dorothy: “Ma, Phil is not gay.”
Sophia: “You mean you’re gay? What your friend Jean is having some sort of membership drive?”
Dorothy: “Ma..”
Sophia: “Dorothy, I know you don’t get many dates, but stick with what you know! At your age, it’s very hard to break into something new. Goodnight.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I am not gay. I just wanted to get your reaction.”
Sophia: “I’ll tell you the truth Dorothy, if one of my kids were gay, I wouldn’t love him one bit less. I would wish him all the happiness in the world.”

And yes it was necessary that I transcribed that entire conversation!! I don’t know that I’ll always take long deep dives into the historical context of these Very Special Episodes that we look at in this lil time capsule of my creation, but the pronoun switch (going from Jean, a lesbian, to Sophia’s hypothetical son) is definitely on purpose. Not to over simplify things, but we all know what’s happening with gay men in 1986, right? We get what’s happening here, what our government wasn’t doing (still isn’t) and which vulnerable populations they absolutely weren’t taking care of. Oh and hey — guess what, in 1986 Golden Girls was a Top Five most watched show in America. Sophia making this statement, at this moment? Not a coincidence.

So Dorothy tells Sophia that Jean’s in love with Rose, which is absolutely preposterous because… Rose is Rose, so they both start laughing so loud it wakes Blanche up, too. And that leads us! To the moment we’ve been waiting for!

Blanche: “What is going on?”
Sophie and Dorthy, in unison: “Nothing!”
Blanche: “Come on, I heard you laughing. What’s so funny?”
Sophia: “For starters, Jean is a lesbian.”
Blanche: “What’s funny about that?”
Sophia: “You aren’t surprised?”
Blanche: “Of course not! I mean, I haven’t known any personally, but isn’t Danny Thomas one?”
Dorothy: “Not Lebanese, Blanche! LES-BIA-N.
Blanche: Lesbian. Lesbian. (gasps) LESBIAN.

(If we were really gonna go there with our queer analysis on this Sunday morning, we’d talk about how this exchange happens in bed. But I have pancakes to eat. So moving on.)

From here things wrap up more or less as you’d expect. Jean eventually comes out to Rose. Rose, much like everyone else, takes the news with love and compassion that should be corny but somehow isn’t. Everyone fits in one last laugh (Dorothy and Blanche crouched outside the kitchen window to hear what’s going on) to wrap up… drumroll.. our Very Special Gay Episode!

OK, Is It Worth It? In addition to the whole birthing a 35 year old lesbian joke thing, for this episode Terry Hughes actually won the Emmy Award for Outstanding Directing of a Comedy, along with Emmy nominations for Jefrey Duteil (writing), Betty White (of course), and Lois Nettleton (Jean, for Outstanding Guest Performer in a Comedy). We’re talking elite shit. 10/10, Would do it again.

Style Thief: How To Dress Like Taissa From “Yellowjackets”

Quiz: Which “Yellowjackets” Character Are You?

Happy Yellowjackets finale day!!!!! If your entire weekend and week leading up to it hasn’t been built around this television event, well then I simply cannot relate. I’ve been working hard on my recap of the finale, which goes live tomorrow morning. Will I manage to keep it under 5k words? Who’s to say! In the meantime, you can catch up on my past recaps, chime in with your theories about the supernatural presence (or lack thereof), and also take this quiz I spent too much time making!!!!!

Also, if you’re an A+ member, you can join in on the virtual finale watchalong party I’m hosting tonight! If you’re not an A+ member, doesn’t this sound like the perfect excuse to become one?! You can also gift someone else with a membership or sign up to receive a free one via the A+ gift membership pool!

Now, I am well aware that Buzzfeed already provided a Yellowjackets quiz (I got Misty btw), and does the world really need more than one? Yes! We deserve this! Because first of all I have been working on this quiz for like three weeks. But second of all, it’s a slightly different style! Much like the horror movie stocktype quiz and zombie apocalypse quiz I concocted in the past, this is part-personality-quiz/part-pick-your-own-adventure. I’ve outlined an imaginary, Yellowjackets-inspired survival horror plot for you to make some choices about.

At first, I was going to limit result possibilities to only characters who were on the plane, but where’s the fun in that! So it’s most of the plane characters plus a few bonus folks who only exist in the 2021 timeline. You will note that some characters still didn’t make the cut! I’m sorry! There are just, like, so many characters on this show, and I am on some level fascinated by ALL OF THEM and their bad choices. But there are only so many quiz questions and answers I can come up with.

So, go ahead! Put yourself in the fractured mindsets of these messy characters! See where it leads ya!

Note: The results do contain plot spoilers through episode nine but no major finale spoilers.

It’s the day of a trip. You and a group of your close friends are all heading to a big, important event. A sports tournament, say. Or, if you’re not an athlete, maybe a wedding or a group vacation or a writer’s retreat. In any case, it’s a big trip, and you’re excited. What’s something you’re making sure to pack first because you’d never travel without it?(Required)

Your pet in a carrier

Your journal

Headphones

Vegan snacks

Makeup

Your lucky sneakers

A sewing kit

Your kaboodle

Lube/dental dams/condoms

A weapon

Running shoes/gym clothes

Crackers

What’s your strategy for getting to the airport for the big trip?(Required)

Offering to rent a van and drive everyone there

Having your partner who’s not coming on the trip drop you off

Driving by yourself

Taking a cab

Carpooling with your bestie and blasting a playlist you’ve specifically made for the occasion

Carpooling with your partner who’s coming on the trip

Getting to the airport super early just in case something goes wrong

Taking a black car

You’re rolling up late and have to run to the gate

You’re skipping the flight altogether and opting to drive to the destination

Taking public transportation

You’re flying separately and will meet everyone else at the destination

Okay, great. Everyone’s here who’s supposed to be. Things seem to be going smoothly. There’s even a little time for a snack. Which of these classic airport joints are you popping into?(Required)

Chili’s Too

California Pizza Kitchen

Vending machine

Airline lounge

Starbucks

Taco Bell

Pizza Hut Express

Caribou Coffee

Air Margaritaville

Whatever the closest bar is

TGIFridays

You brought your own food

Boarding time! Everyone gets on the plane. What’s your first move?(Required)

Offer to change seats with someone so you can sit next to your crush

Read and/or write

Pop in your headphones

Put on an eye mask so you can get some sleep

Pop a Xanax

Put on a movie

See if anyone needs anything like snacks or water — you came prepared

Hope nothing bad will happen — you have a bad feeling

Post an airplane wing pic on social media

Put on sunglasses and a hood so no one will talk to you

Introduce yourself to your seatmates and get to know them

Snuggle the person next to you

You’re up in the air, and something suddenly doesn’t feel right. The plane is shaking a lot. This doesn’t feel like normal turbulence. You look out the window and, oh god, does it seem like you’re descending way too fast? QUICK — what’s your first instinct?(Required)

Tell the person next to you that you love them

Stare directly in front of you, panicked

Unbuckle and move to the back of a plane — you remember reading once that it’s the safest place to be

Try to rationally explain to everyone that it’s just really bad turbulence

Check on your best friend

Start yelling WHAT THE FUCK over and over

Grab the person next to you’s hand and brace for impact

Wonder if this is just a really bad dream

Start shouting DON’T PANIC even though you’re def panicking

Start trying to get into the cockpit — you’ll fly the plane yourself

Accept your fate

Screech at the top of your lungs

Ok, this is really happening. You’re really in a fucking plane crash. There’s a loud sound; there’s smoke everywhere; you can barely see or hear anything, but you know you have to get out of here. You make it off the plane and realize you gotta act quickly. Stuff is burning all around you. What do you try to locate first?(Required)

Your crush

A pocket knife/multitool

Your bag

Water

Your best friend

Your phone

A first aid kit

Nothing — you can’t think straight

The whole group — time for a headcount

A weapon

Your partner

Food

After a round of intense triage, most of your group is alive but also injured. You take a moment to look at your surroundings. Unlike the characters of Yellowjackets, you’ve gone down in some sort of tropical environment. It’s still the wilderness, but think more Florida Everglades than Canadian woods. Everyone’s sitting in a circle trying to figure out what the fuck to do. In the universe of this quiz, the television show Yellowjackets does exist, and everyone’s thinking about it. You finally break the silence. What do you say:(Required)

“Well, hopefully none of us are a Misty!”

“We’re definitely NOT going to start eating each other, okay?”

“Oh we are DEF going to start eating each other. I kid, I kid! Lighten up!”

“That was just a television show. This is real life. Everyone needs to get serious.”

“Can someone actually tell me what the show was about — I was too scared to watch.”

“When I said I wanted to be stranded in the wilderness with a bunch of hot people I DIDN’T MEAN IT LITERALLY.”

“Maybe we should figure out what all our skills are like they eventually did?”

“I knew this was going to happen.”

“I lost my Showtime subscription in my last breakup.”

“It’s 2022, not 1996! We just have to find a cell phone and call for help.”

“I always felt like Jeff was an underrated character.”

*screams incoherently*

So that one person about the cell phone was probably right. Surely someone’s iPhone survived the crash. Surely there’s no Misty in this group going around destroying anything that could lead to our rescue. Hmmm I wouldn’t be so sure about that! If any cell phones survived, you can’t find them. And now the group is very tired from patrolling the crash site. Someone suggests making a fire. How do you make yourself useful?(Required)

Keep looking for a cell phone

Wonder how hard it would be to kill a squirrel

Provide a lighter

Collect and chop firewood with the safety axe someone found

You have nothing useful to contribute

Offer to tell some spooky stories around the fire to take everyone’s mind off of things

Build the fire

Tell the group you actually think you should start moving — it doesn’t feel safe here.

Do a food/water inventory

Start mentally calculating who the weakest link is here

Check in on your partner

Hoard some of the food for yourself

The fire is built, and for at least tonight, you’re going to sleep out here in the open. There’s some rustling in the distance, but you choose to ignore that for now. Everyone goes around and says how they’re feeling. How are YOU feeling?(Required)

Like this could at least be a bonding experience

You’re thinking about everything you’ve done wrong in life

You feel like you’re cursed

You’re pretty sure a rescue team is already on its way

You’re scared

You already miss someone who isn’t here

You’re already making a mental checklist of everything that needs to be done in order to survive

You just feel a bad feeling

You’re in shock

You know you will absolutely eat someone if you have to

You feel like you have to be optimistic to keep everyone else’s spirits up

You feel like you can probably just split away from the group and fend for yourself

Now that you’ve got the feelings covered, it’s time to talk logistics. Someone proposes going around the circle and saying one skill they can bring to the table from their normal lives that might be useful in a survival horror scenario.(Required)

You have a lot of esoteric knowledge from going down a lot of internet rabbit holes — like maybe you could figure out how to build a trap or shelter based on a thread you read once.

You’re good with a knife — sure, only in theory, but you’re a Knife Dyke whose pocket knife has come in handy every once in a while! Like that time a hot babe needed help cutting a tag off of something! Surely, that could then be expanded to cutting up an animal.

You’re adaptable — you tend to get yourself out of any and all shitty situations.

You’re really good at making lists and getting shit done — surely the team needs a capable leader to show them the way.

Honestly, you’re hoping you go quickly and painlessly because this shit is not for you.

You’re a team player — you’ll listen to people, collaborate, and come up with creative ways to solve problems.

You happen to have basic camping/fishing/survival skills thanks to being a Hiking Queer.

You have really strong intuition and tend to get lucky even in dire circumstances.

You’re a good cook — you can whip something up with whatever you can find in the wilderness!

You’re a prepper — you have genuine apocalypse-ready skills.

You’ll sacrifice yourself if you have to — you just want to make sure most of the group survives, even if that doesn’t include you.

You know how to fly.

Sure, sure, fashion doesn’t matter in this situation, but pick a disaster fit to rock while fighting for you life in the wilderness For pure aesthetic reasons/not based on functionality, weather, etc.:(Required)

Okay, BACK to reality. Specifically, your new reality. Which is that you’re stuck in the swampy wilderness with a group of friends, and everyone is gradually unraveling. You’re on day 10. You have found shelter. Specifically, an abandoned shack. Thankfully, there aren’t any corpses in it. But it’s close quarters, and the food situation is getting a little rough. Someone found a fishing pole, and you’ve been living off fish. What specific food craving is keeping you up at night?(Required)

Chocolate

Rotisserie chicken

Pizza

Vegetarian lasagna

Cheeseburger

Fries

Soup

Grilled cheese

Steak

Oysters

Mashed potatoes

Fresh fruit

You’re all sitting outside eating your fish one night when there’s…a rustle. Something is coming. In the split second before you know what it is, you’re imagining the worst. On that note, which of the following creatures — real or imagined — sounds the scariest to you personally?(Required)

A mean teenager

Your future self

Someone from your past who you no longer talk to

Your past self

A bear

A ghost

An axe murderer

A faceless demon

Your ex

You’re not scared of anything

A vampire

A large cat

Surprise! It’s none of those things. It’s an alligator! What’s your move?(Required)

Run in a zig zag — you’ve read that’s the best way to escape one

Grab your knife

Protect the person closest to you

Climb a tree

Scream

Look toward the group leader for guidance

Throw a big fish as far as you can so it’ll go in that direction

Have a standoff with the gator

Tell everyone to stay calm and not move

Grab a crossbow that has been sitting around the shack and kill it

Sacrifice yourself so the people you care about can get away

Flee and hide

Someone indeed successfully kills the gator with the crossbow that mysteriously appeared. Have they been hiding it this whole time? And why? In any case, you’ve got a crossbow and you’ve got gator meat for dinner! Hooray! Things are maybe looking up! But also temperatures have been steadily rising ever since the crash. During the day, you fantasize about a nice, tall, cold glass of:(Required)

La Croix

Coke

Miller Lite

White wine

Pepsi

Cold brew

Sprite

Ice tea

Milkshake

Scotch

Milk

Water

Over a hearty meal of gator bites, you all recall that show Yellowjackets. Ahh, remember when you first crashed and you thought surely your lives would not ever look the way that wild show did? Now here you are, living the swampy warm weather version of it. To pass the time, you all talk about the show again. What do you say your favorite episode was?(Required)

“F Sharp”

“Blood Hive”

“No Compass”

“Bear Down”

The pilot

“Doomcoming”

“The Dollhouse”

The finale

You haven’t seen the show

You don’t like the show

"Saints"

“Flight of the Bumblebee”

Speaking of the show, even though no one found an iPhone, someone DID find an iPod (old school!) in the wreckage. It’s preloaded inexplicably with nothing but the official Yellowjackets soundtrack. What song becomes your new anthem in the wilderness?(Required)

“The Music Of The Night” (Andrew Lloyd Weber)

“Mother Mother” (Tracy Bonham)

“Mountain Song” (Jane’s Addiction)

“Firestarter” (The Prodigy)

“Fade Into You” (Mazzy Star)

“This Is How We Do It” (Montell Jordan)

“Kiss From A Rose” (Seal)

“Dreams” (The Cranberries)

“Today” (The Smashing Pumpkins)

“Miss World” (Hole)

“Shoop” (Salt-N-Pepa)

“Mr. Mistoffelees” (Andrew Lloyd Weber)

It’s finally sinking in that you’re going to be out here a good long while. Hope you manage to get out of here before you start having to eat each other ha ha ha! In the meantime, what else do you do to pass time day in and out?(Required)

Read the same book you brought with you over and over

Journal

Try to connect with some of the other people in the group

Organize a chore wheel for everyone to keep things running

Daydream

Reenact your favorite movie scenes for people

Forage for edible flowers

Explore the area

Play with cards you found in the shack

Play with the crossbow

Tell jokes

Sing

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Δ

10 Yellow Jackets I Want to Wear While Convincing People To Watch “Yellowjackets”

Help! I can’t stop talking! About Yellowjackets! I saw my cousins for the first time in a while over the holidays, and the first thing I asked them was not how are you or how’s school but rather HAVE YOU WATCHED YELLOWJACKETS YET? They had not, and it was my duty as their elder to peer-pressure them into doing so. I hope it worked!!!!

I’ve watched every available episode at least twice for the sake of my wordy weekly recaps, so it makes sense that my brain has basically become a mash of 90s nostalgia, animal imagery, and teen girl soccer drama and NOTHING ELSE. This show is sometimes quite literally the last thing my girlfriend and I talk about before bed and the first thing we talk about when we wake up. In fact, my girlfriend woke up in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT recently to tell me her latest Yellowjackets theory. Even in rest, this show haunts us.

In fact, at this very moment, I’m busy working on my recap of the latest episode, “Flight of the Bumblebee.” That’ll be up tomorrow morning, so if you’ve been following along with my weekly coverage, I’ll see you in those comments!

And if you’re not watching Yellowjackets yet, FOR WHY? It’s the queer, surreal, smart, funny, strange, disturbing horror show of my dreams! The performances! The writing! The truly original concept! And okay, maybe horror’s not your thing or you draw the line at cannibalism (so many people have texted me to ask how cannibally the cannibalism is and, like, that’s a hard question to answer because imo that aspect is not even close to the scariest part of the show and also doesn’t really bother me whoops?) in which case, sure, this probably isn’t the show for you! That’s fine! But also if it matters, I don’t think this show uses gore gratuitously, and I also don’t think all it’s bringing to the genre table is horror.

And now, since “likes Yellowjackets” is my new personality, it’s time to dress the part. Here are 10 yellow jackets I want to wear while convincing people to watch Yellowjackets.

North Face 1994 Retro Mountain Futurelight Jacket ($358)

Okay, I’m not really prepared to drop nearly $400 on a souped-up rain jacket (even though I DO live in Florida sooo), but between the 90s retro inspiration of this jacket and its functionality, well, it’s basically made for Yellowjackets? In fact, I would want this jacket with me if I were ever stranded in the wilderness.

Oversized Soft-Brushed Overcoat ($80)

A classic, simple look I can see worn by adult Taissa or maybe her wife Simone.

Vintage 90’s Faux Leather Oversized Warm Winter Workers Coat ($101)

This jacket has faux leather AND faux fur?! So, you know, probably ideal for someone who might have lasting negative associations with REAL animal fur and leather.

L’AGENCE Celine Lemons Jacket ($108)

Adult Misty — who I like to characterize as Nerdy Villanelle — wears a lot of child-like prints and clothes I’d describe as Mossimo Chic, so this lemon jacket is my Misty tribute.

Women’s Lapel Leather Motorcycle Zip Up Biker Short Punk Cropped Jacket Coat ($53)

Slap a band shirt under this and some fishnets and ripped short shorts on your legs, and you’re automatically channeling adult Natalie Scatorccio, baby!!!!! Time to dance around a motel room in an energetically sad way.

Relaxed Fit Blazer ($140)

This is what I’m gonna wear to serve the Yellowjackets-inspired cocktail I have yet to develop (yellow chartreuse will probs be featured but I’m open to suggestions).

Faux Shearling Teddy Shacket ($70)

The cobbled-together outfits of animal pelts, fabric scraps, etc. from the pilot could use a little pop of color, no? Who said ritualistic cannibalism has to be DRAB? Don this with a pair of antlers, and you’re the queen of the woods.

Varsity Letterman Jacket ($100+)

Do you ever think about how it’s very clear in the Yellowjackets pilot that the team is not necessarily cannibalizing someone out of mere necessity/starvation but rather as part of some sort of ritualistic ceremony and then do you ever think about the ritualism (and brutality!) of competitive team sports??? Because I think about those connections between the Yellowjackets’ pre-woods lives and woods lives A LOT.

Topman Brushed Shacket in Mustard Wool Mix ($121)

Okay, this jacket is just simply hot. I’m starting to realize how much I miss wearing jackets now that I’m in Florida. Maybe I should take a trip to the woods in Ontario just to feel something and by something I mean seasons.

Vans x Tierra Whack Puffer Vest ($90)

This is notably a vest and not a jacket, but I can 100% see Van rocking this and it is also, fittingly, made by Vans.

But perhaps the jacket I want to rock most of all is…………..Misty fucking Quigley’s equipment manager jacket.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Misty Quigley as assistant stage manager energy.

There’s Something About a Stud With Dimples

“There’s Something About” is a series where writers chat about the type of babes that make them all hot and bothered by showing you fictional Pop Culture hotties that fit the bill.

Just a little over a year ago I hopped onto Beyoncé’s internet and made a proclamation: “I love Black butches. Studs. Masc folks. I love them when they’re quiet and when they are loud. I love it they are soft — and when they are hard. Just a whole Dr. Seuss rhyme of loving them in all their glory.”

Truer words have never been spoken. And while not every Black masc queer person automatically identifies as a stud (though, don’t get it twisted on the inverse, in this house, all studs are Black), the characters on this list are at least stud coded, even if it not explicitly named as such — because since when does television ever take time to dig into the nuances of queer Black understandings of gender! That said, at least one person on the list explicitly names herself as a stud (Hattie on Twenties) and all versions of Black queer masculinities are so damn beautiful in their many, many dimensions.

(*Being “horny on main” is not my usual brand of choice, so please consider this an End of Year gift and then also politely look the other way when I run away mortified. Thanks!)

Poussey Washington — Orange Is the New Black

I figured we could start here, get the pain out of the way. Ever since Orange Is the New Black decided to murder Poussey as a Black Lives Matter martyr in a racist storytelling decision that will never be justifiable by any means, I worry that her life has become overshadowed.

But in my mind’s eye, it will always be the warmth of her smile, first and foremost. That way she’d brush the waves of her hair back-to-front. It will be every ounce of bravery in Samira Wiley’s small frame when she stood up to drug dealing prison mom Vee in Season Two to protect Taystee, the shyness when she wondered if one day Taystee might love her back. It will be the genuine care she had for books and how unbelievably fucking hot she was when she spoke German.

More than any of that — and it’s fitting for this time of year — it will be the Christmas pageant episode of Season One. In the first season of OITNB, Poussey was largely a background character, but Samira Wiley stole every scene. In the finale, Taystee, Cindy, and Poussey joined together to do a joking Christmas carol as a part of Litchfield’s holiday performance. The other two take their bow, but Poussey keeps her back straight and begins the opening of Amazing Grace, Samira Wiley’s alto on full display. It was the first time she was allowed to be soft, vulnerable. And, frankly, she’d never been sexier.

Hattie — Twenties

The first time I discovered my type, it’s because I was read for filth by my best friend as we froze our asses off outside of a party in DC. There was this sexy-ass person that we could see ahead of us — glasses, Jordans, a yellow and grey cardigan stretched across their broad shoulders — and my friend teased, “Oh you should go ahead make that move, their definitely your type.”

“How can you possibly know my type? I don’t know my type!”

“Studs who read James Baldwin. That’s your type.”

In the pilot episode of Twenties, Hattie gets thrown out of her apartment and sits in the driveway with her Black and Carolina Blue Js propped up while reading If Beale Street Could Talk. Emotionally impulsive, never able to keep a job, immature, loves Whitney Houston and Baldwin, can make the panties absolutely drop with a well-placed “hey ma” and lip bite. How many Hatties did I date in my 20s?

All of them. I dated all of them. And I wish I could tell you that I’ve learned my lesson, but that would be a damn lie.

Cleopatra “Cleo” Sims — Set It Off

Technically this is a TV list, and Set It Off is a movie, but Cleo is the archetype and we simply must pay our respects.

The thing about Cleo is that for a lot of us, I think, she was the first stud we’d seen on screen, and she was a muthafucking action hero!! For Set It Off’s 25th Anniversary, I described Cleo as “young, mighty, unadulterated… sexy in the way that only studs can be — an energy that radiates beneath the pores and melanin; the quiet, intoxicating confidence that comes from truly owning your shit.” That’s still true.

But Cleo’s more than that. She’s loyal. Steady. Sweet to her friends. Strong. The backbone of her crew. Cleo’s just the complete and total package.

But also her strap, I —

Tasha Williams — The L World

When I encountered Tasha for the first time, I was still inching my way out of the closet. I was still watching The L Word YouTube clip compilations with my laptop screen dipped low and headphones on, so my roommate wouldn’t know I was gay. I was still trying to figure out what turned me on.

Then Tasha sauntered into the fourth season with her motorcycle, her gravelly voice, her husky laugh. Those high cheekbones and that severe neat part in her hair.

She blushed and told Alice that she was attracted to “girly girls” and I could feel my knees part on their own, just a little bit.

Denise — Master of None

I’ve gotta be honest with you, Denise is a mistake that I would most definitely make. I want to tell you that I’d find her emotional walls to be a turn-off. The fact that she’s proven to be a selfish partner (and cheater!) should be a problem for me. IT SHOULD.

But to that, I have three words for you…

Her. Arm. Sleeve.

Y’all would just have to pour one out for me and wish me well on my journey.

In conclusion, to quote the prophet Young M.A, “Ooh, that’s a bad bitch, You can tell she eat her collard greens and catfish/ I’m trying to make your daughter cry, sorry Miss Jackson/ I wear that pussy on my face like it’s in fashion.”

There’s Something About Bookish Men I Can Step On

“There’s Something About” is a series where writers chat about the type of babes that make them all hot and bothered by showing you fictional Pop Culture hotties that fit the bill.

I am a sucker for a person with a pair of tortoise-shell glasses, wearing a sweater, and reading a book in case anyone was wondering. They love to read, are shy, are deeply invested in their area of study — AND TEND TO WEAR SWEATER VESTS! DEAR GOD!

Also, I love what it demonstrates when someone has the patience and skill set to be a teacher, especially when they can teach kids and mentor others. Opening doors for the next generation is hot! Pass it on!

Remus Lupin — Harry Potter Books & Films

Professor Lupin has a neck that is begging for a boot or a high heel, depending on the day.

This bookish man is a sweet and salty snack. He’s good with the kids. Cute! His partner is played by Natalia Tena who I know nothing about besides the fact that she has killer brows and is hot! That’s great! He’s got secrets stashed so tight in his ribcage they’re a part of everything he is which is very Scorpio rising of him. Lupin’s the kind of bookish man whose layers you can peel back just like the layers of his outfits which often include a shirt AND a vest AND a jacket. Hot!

There’s also just something about Remus. That something is that he is queer. Whether it’s his close relationship with Sirius that the aggressively heterosexual Harry Potter is oblivious to or the fact that his queerness is embodied in his being a werewolf, transforming and changing — it’s all there if you want it to be there. Do your own close reading of the book or film and find all those little nuggets. I mean, he seems to have changed his name on coming into his werewolf hood? I don’t buy that the name “Lupin” came before the wolfening is what I’m saying. His queerness makes him even more attractive.

Chidi Anagonye — The Good Place

I think The Good Place is a boring show. I tried to watch it at the urging of friends who liked it, but I feel like I wasted my time. All I got was my partner telling me that my concept of time is “Jeremy Bearimy” and an attraction to the show’s resident bookish man, CHIDI. So, Chidi! He’s smart, he’s thoughtful, and honestly pretty generous with his time. That last bit is probably to a fault. Boundaries, Chidi! Boundaries!

I feel like his philosophy class is way less stressful than the philosophy class I had to take where we “debated abortion” (that wasn’t appropriate at the time and it hasn’t aged well has it professor-whose-name-I-don’t-remember?). I feel like Chidi could actually teach me about philosophy, and that’s hot. His apartment is filled with books and some houseplants, also hot. He’s not afraid of keeping a nice home and of paying attention to the little things. He knows what he’s talking about in his field and won’t settle for mediocrity to the point of obsession. Hot!

If we’re being real, of the three men presented here Chidi is the most anxious. The other two fictional folks come with their own anxieties, but Chidi! He has so much anxiety! He can’t decide on anything! I think exploring what it means to just be present could really work for him. It would help if he wasn’t in Hell, too, I guess.

Rupert Giles — Buffy the Vampire Slayer

So far, we’ve talked about a werewolf and a guy living in literal Hell, but the least realistic of the bunch honestly has to be Rupert Giles — full living human and unshakably decent guy. That’s hard for me and where we really veer into the territory of this being a fictional type. Where does this man exist in real life? Nowhere I’ve seen personally. And that’s why he’s really just a kind of TV/film archetype. I’ve seen people like this in moments, glimpses of a kind of masculinity that is actually kind. In a professor trying to get me not to drop a class, in fellow queers lifting each other up with words of encouragement and sharing knowledge, in myself while I’m trying to keep a bunch of stressed-out people calm while we work together.

And that’s where things start to get tangled. When we arrive at Rupert Giles, I have to ask, do I actually think Giles himself is attractive? Do I want to fuck him on top of a pile of demonology books? Or do I want to be him?

I think that it all comes back to Giles, in a lot of ways, because (Joss Whedon’s hatred of women aside) the way Giles was written represented a kind of masculinity that was good, that was divorced from so much of the toxicity that normally comes with masculinity, but doesn’t have to. His brand was all about caring and learning and tea, where strength was in doing the right thing, where you didn’t need to prove yourself. It was just a way to be. It’s taken me a long time — a lot of starts and stops and returns to this kind of masculinity — to want to embrace it more and more for myself. This character represents a homecoming in a lot of ways.

We are definitely seeing more points in favor of the “wanting to be him” argument. Points deducted for my uncanny valley Photoshop homunculus.

And also, I totally think Giles would want me to step on him. AND I WOULD OBLIGE.

Everything You Need to Know About “Sex and the City” to Watch “And Just Like That”

Feature image via Getty / 1999 Paramount Pictures

Sara Ramirez is — and always has been — a queer magnet, even before they came out as bisexual and then non-binary. They are just… electric. I can’t get enough. You can’t get enough. And that’s why we’ve gotten about ten billion tweets and comments from readers who want to know if they need to watch the original Sex and the City to understand/enjoy them in And Just Like That. Honestly? Probably not. But I am surrounded on all sides by completionists, so I understand the impulse. Riese tracks all queer TV in a comprehensive database. Drew tracks every single movie and TV show she watches in an app. One time Valerie Anne spent an entire summer binging — no joke — 171 episodes of The Vampire Diaries just so she wouldn’t miss any references when she started Legacies, which isn’t even a spin-off, but exists in the same universe! But look, Sex and the City was a product of its time and if you haven’t watched it, you don’t need to. I feel you — but I’m here to help.

What’s The Sex and What’s The City?

Photo by Getty / 1999 Paramount Pictures

In 1998, when TV still existed in a 4:3 ratio (you know, like square TVs) and the internet was still dial-up and I personally had never even heard the word “masturbation,” Sex and the City debuted on HBO. The story centered four single, straight (mostly), affluent white women living in New York City, and having a whole lot of sex, something women didn’t particularly do a lot of on TV in the 90s.

The main character, Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker), was even a sex and dating columnist. In addition to dating and boning, these four women also wore some of the most loony tunes clothes you have ever seen in your entire life. Like shoes and coats that cost as much as a mortgage! They also went to brunch as much as possible, attended many fancy parties at trendy NYC hot spots (enough for the tourism industry to create an entire full weekend bus tour out of them), and made cosmopolitan cocktails very popular. It was Carrie’s signature drink. (A cosmo is a terrible beverage made of cranberry juice, lime, vodka, triple sec, and an orange peel for garnish. You’d be better off drinking a Capri Sun.)

Can you tell me more about these four women?

I can tell you an embarrassing amount about these four women. You know how, before JK Rowling revealed herself as a radicalized transphobic jackass, all queer nerds sorted everyone into Hogwarts houses? Or how most other queers sort everyone by their zodiac signs? Well in the late 90s, the women of Sex and the City were the Hogwarts houses. People even went around saying — out loud — “Oh, I’m such a Miranda” or “Oh, that was such a Samatha thing to do.”

I’ll sort ’em for you.

Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker)

Photo by Paramount Pictures/Newsmakers

Like I said, Carrie is the main character on the show. She voices over every episode, most of which are themed around whatever column topic she’s covering at the time. In nearly every episode, she says, “I couldn’t help but wonder…” which is kind of her calling card in her writing. In her life, Carrie also thinks she is the main character. Of, like, the world. This would be always unbearable (instead of 67% unbearable) if SJP wasn’t actually a brilliant actress who makes you feel empathy even when her struggles are as trite as a broken shoe heel derailing her entire week. She’s the one that wears the most bonkers of all the bonkers outfits, including a very famous tiered tutu paired with a pale-pink tank top and strappy sandals, which she wore in the show’s opening credits.

Carrie’s main love interest, from the very beginning of the show, is a guy she calls “Big,” as in “big tycoon, big dreamboat, and big time out of my league.” We don’t even learn that his name is John James Preston until like maybe 100 episodes in. He’s played very charmingly by Chris Noth, but he is a prick of epic proportions who just cannot commit to Carrie. They are on again, off again, on again, off again, on, off, on, off, on, off for the whole show. And then they finally get married. Carrie dates a lot of other dillholes, especially Aidan Shaw, the ultimate Nice Guy, before Nice Guys were being called out for being Nice Guys.

Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon)

Photo by RJ Capak/WireImage

Before Cynthia Nixon ran for governor of New York, before she even realized she was queer and came out (I still don’t actually know what label she uses; she’s been very cagey about it!), she landed the role of high-powered, uptight, cynical lawyer Miranda Hobbes, who actually kind of hates men. Everyone calls her Carrie’s “voice of reason” because she is the only one who’ll tell her best friend she’s dating an endless parade of handsome horror shows. She’s also the only one on the show who really attempts to “have it all.” She has a kid named Brady, she buys her own apartment, she becomes a partner at her law firm, and — at the very end of the show — she finally commits to her longtime boyfriend, Steve, a shy little guy who owns a bar and loves to play basketball and kind of sounds like a cartoon character. In one of her most famous scenes, when she’s trying to lose her baby weight, she throws away some cake, and then eats the cake out of the trash can, and then calls Carrie and says, “I ate some cake out of the trash can.”

Charlotte York (Kristin Davis)

Photo by Bill Davila/FilmMagic

Charlotte’s like… what if Blair Waldorf grew up? Do you know what I mean? She’s the sort of wholesomey girl next door, if your door is next to another six million dollar apartment on Park Avenue. She’s the friend who is most often scandalized by all the sex talk, and the friend who wants to get married most of all. Her family’s from Connecticut, she attended Smith, she majored in “Art,” and dreams of one day owning her own gallery if she can’t do the stay at home mom thing.

She’s the first of the gals in the group to get married and also to get divorced. Her first husband, Trey MacDougal (played hilariously by Kyle MacLachlan), is a cardio surgeon with a super-wealthy mom named Bunny who will not stay out of Charlotte’s business. Charlotte and Trey decide to wait until they get married to have sex, which Charlotte only realizes is because Trey struggles with impotence the day before their wedding. Their marriage is unhappy and so Charlotte divorces him — and falls in love with her divorce lawyer, Harry Goldenblatt. She thinks she’s too good for him ’cause he’s not the handsomest guy on the show and he sweats a lot. But ultimately she for really real falls for him, converts to Judaism, and marries him.

They adopt one daughter, Lily, and Charlotte gives birth to a second daughter, Rose. Rose is the one who’s gonna be gay in the new series, I think.

Samatha Jones (Kim Cattrall)

Photo by James Devaney/WireImage

Samatha Jones is everyone’s favorite character on Sex and the City. She’s also the character who loves sex the most, and also getting a rise out of all her friends by talking about it in as much detail as she wants, whenever she wants. She’s got the best one-liners, the best zingers, the best clothes, and is the very best friend in a series that is, at its heart, really all about friendship. She’s a publicist, and she’s very, very good at her job. I don’t really — you know those people who just radiate charm, but also are a little bit scary because they very clearly will not put up with anyone’s bullshit? That’s Samantha. She gets weird when any guy she’s dating tries to be emotional, and that’s the main reason it doesn’t work out when she tries to date a woman. Samatha gets breast cancer in the final season, and survives. Her wigs are amazing during chemo, and they inspired a whole lot of women who were going through breast cancer in real life the early aughts. Samatha’s the only one who doesn’t end the series married.

Kim Cattrall famously fell out with SJP, and even though she returned for the movies, she opted out of the sequel. I miss her a lot. The show is just not the same without her. Carrie was the heart of the original series, but Samantha was its soul.

Who all’s gay here?

Photo by Marcel Thomas/FilmMagic

The most valid complaint about Sex and the City during its original run is that it was way too white and way too straight. Like, this is New York City. You’re telling me there’s no women of color in this friend group and no queers? EP Darren Star tried to address that criticism in his very short-lived post-SATC network dramedy, Cashmere Mafia, which starred Lucy Liu and also Bonnie Somerville as bisexual marketing exec Caitlin Dowd, but that series only lasted ten minutes and only me and Riese and Malinda Lo ever watched it.

Samantha had a relationship with an artist named Maria, but it was the Will & Grace era of TV, so instead of simply embracing her bisexuality, everyone on the show started referring to her as a lesbian and then a former lesbian. Charlotte notoriously proclaimed, “She’s not a lesbian! She probably just ran out of men!” Carrie was mostly just surprised that Samatha was in a relationship at all ’cause relationships were not her thing. Maria tried to make Samantha happy, she even bought a strap-on (my first time seeing a strap-on!), but Samantha ended things due to too much processing and feelings.

However, SATC did have gay men. In fact, Stanford Blatch (played by Willie Garson, who passed away during the filming of the sequel) was kind of the original Gay Best Friend. A zillion characters like him sprang up, even on network TV, in the wake of his friendship with Carrie. He was always up for brunch, for gossip, for drama, for Carrie’s unhinged fashion choices. He was happy to follow Carrie shopping for shoes on 5th Ave or carrots at the farmer’s market in Union Square. His main nemesis was another gay character, Anthony Maratino, and they ended up falling in love and getting married in the second movie. (Even though they seem to hate each other again in this new sequel.)

So can I watch the sequel without having watched the original?

Yes, absolutely. You might not feel a strong connection to the main trio, or understand why people like me are constantly crying about Samatha being gone, but you’ll be able to follow the plots and characterizations easy enough. And Sara Ramirez is brand new! And so is Charlotte’s obviously queer teenage daughter, Rose! And so is Miranda’s blossoming queerness! Sex and the City isn’t Game of Thrones or Mad Men or Succession or whatever. There’s no intricate plot details you’ve gotta keep up with. It’s a rom-com that’s kind of become a grief-com, and the deep cut characters that have shown up so far have either been exposited so you know who they are, or mocked because the characters on the show don’t remember them either.

And anyway, it’s not like you need backstory to enjoy Sara Ramirez strutting around in a suit.