Boobs On Your Tube: The Lying (Down), The Witch, and The Werewolf

Hey there, homos! You have made it through the first week of November — congrats! Still don’t know what to stream this month? Riese has got you covered! JoJo Siwa landed in the bottom two of DWTS this week with her tango and Sally recapped the near-heartbreak! Valerie Anne recapped Supergirl and Legends of Tomorrow and both recaps made me cry? Batwoman didn’t go exactly how the TV Team hoped this week, but Nic made us feel better with her WildMoore slow-burn hype. Carmen recapped Twenties and really wants to remind you that it’s one of the best things going on TV right now and you need to get on it; this weekend is a perfect time to get caught up. And Christina is here with your weekly gay Morning Show update.

Notes from the TV Team:

+ OH MY HARD CANDY CHRISTMAS! — Heather

+ Storylines for Henrietta Wilson have been slim thus far on 9-1-1 but this week, the second year med student did decide on a specialty: general surgery. The decision comes after Hen is forced to serve as the hands of an injured prison doctor, in order to save the life of a guard injured in a breakout. — Natalie

+ I would have done a full recap of Home Economics but we have a lot going on this week (as you’re about to see!), so something had to give. This week Sarah and Denise are dealing with their tween daughter Shamiah not wanting to tell them about her little tween crush on a boy. At first they assume it’s because they’re gay, leading to some very deep belly laughs as they try to “straighten up” but it turns out that it’s just Shamiah thinks that her moms, like all moms, are out of touch and cringe. Perfect. — Carmen

Hightown 203: “Fresh as a Daisy”

Written by Natalie

Thanks to a tip from his confidential informant, Jackie’s sergeant locates the body of a murdered drug dealer (Sean “Kizzle” Gandam) buried deep in the woods. The sergeant affixes blame for the murder on Junior and when he shares his suspicions with Jackie, she refuses to believe that Junior was capable of killing anyone. Despite the disagreement, her sergeant invites her to interview someone who might know about Junior’s actions: his girlfriend/baby mama, Donna. Still in the anger stage of the grieving process, Donna agrees that Junior could’ve killed Kizzle. Jackie follows her out and discovers that she’s working at Xavier’s, the strip club owned by the people who got Junior killed.

“When are you gonna fuckin’ get it, huh?” Donna asks. “It wasn’t Osito. It wasn’t Kizzel. It wasn’t anybody else that killed Junior. Junior killed Junior.”

After her run-in with Donna, Jackie question Osito in prison. She returns to the precinct to update her sergeant on her theory: Osito killed Kizzel for Junior. But rather than hear her out, he dismisses her entirely for having gone outside the chain of command. Instead, he dispatches her to join Leslie and do some “real police work.” With nothing happening at Xavier’s, talk between the new partners quickly turns to their night together. Leslie assures Jackie that they’re cool and brushes it off as a simple hook-up between co-workers. Jackie casually questions Leslie’s assessment — “That what that was? A hook-up?” — and there’s something about the way she says it that let’s you know, without a doubt, that their hook-up will not be a one-time thing.

Once they’re made by Jorge Cuevas, Jackie storms into Xavier’s to put both the cousins on notice. Her impulsive move earns her thinly veiled threats from them both and, though she cloaks it in criticism, Leslie’s impressed (read: turned on) by Jackie’s fearlessness. To make up for her misstep, Jackie invites Leslie to join her for dinner with her surrogate father/former partner, Ed, and his wife. The dinner, even with its moments of awkwardness (Ed’s wife asking Leslie if she was a lesbian, for example), feels like the most at ease that we’ve ever seen Jackie. The easy rapport Ed and Jackie have, the way Leslie fits into Jackie’s other world…it’s a reminder of how far addiction kept her from normalcy.

After dinner, Jackie gets a call from Donna who passes on some information she overheard at Xavier’s: Jorge is pimping out his new girlfriend. Jackie immediately shares the news with Leslie and they relish the opportunity to turn the girlfriend into a confidential informant. The two celebrate their progress by falling into bed together again.

This time, though, it’s a top-off! Jackie tries to go down on Leslie but she pulls her back up and insists on pleasuring Jackie this time. Leslie rolls them over and tries to top Jackie but she will not allow it. She pulls back on Leslie’s hair, says a firm, but sexy, no, and reclaims her place on top of her partner. It’s hot — and especially impressive, given that Monica Raymund was both the talent and the director — but now I have so many questions.

All American 402: “I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That”

Written by Natalie

Since the shooting, things between Patience and Coop have been strained…and the distance between them only widens as they share breakfast before school. Coop’s busy, wrapped up in preparing to return to the studio, and Patience has to text her just to get her attention. Patience questions Coop’s decision to get back into the studio so soon and Coop immediately gets defensive about it. Patience laments the distance between them lately — she didn’t even know Coop was planning to go into the studio — but Coop brushes her off and ushers Patience off to school.

Later, as she’s getting ready to go meet Coop at the studio, Patience’s dad interrupts her to talk about Coop. While he’s been supportive of their relationship in the past, Coop’s list of transgressions continues to grow. He’s understandably worried about his daughter’s safety if she and Coop stay together, as trouble seems to follow Coop wherever she goes. Though Patience tries to offer some defense of the woman she loves, the reality is, her father’s only vocalizing thoughts she’s already had. Patience goes into her next meeting with Coop looking for some affirmation that battling through all the drama is worthwhile — some proof that she matters to Coop — and, when Coop doesn’t offer any, Patience is ready to let go.

“We are together so your problems are my problems. And if you don’t get that, like…,” Patience cries, her voice full of emotion. “I don’t even know what else to say. I think maybe we should just…”

Realizing that she’s about to lose Patience, Coop finally speaks up: Mo’s bullet might not have killed her but it may have killed her rap career. The bullet damaged her lungs and her doctor said that she might never regain lung capacity. Coop admits that during her studio session, she couldn’t even get through one song…and she wonders if she ever will again. Patience embraces Coop but, later at Layla’s party, she’s clearly frustrated that it took nearly breaking up for Coop to tell her the truth. When she confesses that to Spencer, he’s his usual optimistic self, assuring Patience that their relationship will be fine and Coop can fully recover if Patience is by her side.

Meanwhile, though, Coop’s commiserating with Asher and throwing a pity party for herself. By the end of the evening, Coop is convinced nothing else really matters anymore; hope is futile. She dismisses Patience’s suggestion to get a second opinion on her condition and pronounces her music dreams dead. Her insolence pushes Patience away, leaving Coop to reach out to the other person she trusts the most: Preach.

NCIS: Hawai’i 106: “The Tourist”

Written by Natalie

Last we checked in with NCIS: Hawai’i, Kate suggested to Lucy that they keep their relationship strictly professional. Though she had her objections, Lucy begrudgingly agreed and the couple’s been stuck in this stasis ever since…that is, until this week when their paths cross as part of an investigation.

Lucy and her team are called to the scene of kidnapping: Kayla Barlow, an Instagram influencer/wife of a Navy officer, disappears during a luau. At first, the team guesses that the kidnapping is tied to the husband — after all, he’s a weapons officer with top secret clearance — but when the alleged kidnapper turns up dead and Kayla is still on the run, the team realizes something else is afoot. Jane notices a pattern in Kayla’s Instagram comments and realizes that Kayla’s been communicating with someone in code. When Ernie tracks down the accounts at the other end of Kayla’s messages, they all lead back to the same place: the alleged kidnapper. Just when Jane is starting to put the pieces together — the “kidnapper” was Kayla’s handler and they worked on intelligence missions together — Kate (a DIA officer, you’ll recall) shows up and shuts the investigation down.

Though Kate’s presence corroborates Jane’s suspicions, she doesn’t give anything else away, including any insight on how the DIA plans to get Kayla Barlow back. Things grow tense and Jane dismisses Kate. Lucy follows her out and questions about how they’re supposed to break the news to Kayla’s distraught husband. Kate’s not interested in coddling the husband’s hurt feelings.

“I’m given orders. Orders that come before relationships and love and feelings,” Kate explains.

“We still talking about Kayla Barlowe?” Lucy asks, turning the conversation personal. Kate swears her words have nothing to do with what happened between them but she is, clearly, undone by the inquiry and makes a quick escape.

But, of course, Jane and the team don’t actually back down: they regroup and continue the search for Kayla. They find her but the Russian operatives that have been searching for Kayla scoop her husband up instead. When word gets back to Kate that the team has Kayla, she returns to NCIS to collect her asset. Jane asks for a little cooperation to help NCIS find Kayla’s husband but Kate’s not particularly interested in helping them, given their dirty play. Eventually, though, they agree to work together — with Kate calling in an FBI team to help save the day — and they arrest the Russian hit squad and save Kayla and her husband.

After the case is closed, Lucy catches up with Kate in the parking deck and thanks her for her help. Kate admits that it’s not always easy being the bad cop but Lucy assures her that she doesn’t think of her as bad, she thinks Kate is amazing. Lucy draws close and then pulls back slightly to invite Kate to join her for a drink. Instead of answering, Kate closes the distance between them and initiates a kiss.

New Amsterdam 407: “Harmony”

Written by Natalie

It all starts out so adorably: Lauren and Leyla locked in their own little world. Lauren withholds Leyla’s breakfast parfait until her girlfriend can correctly answer questions in preparation for an upcoming review. After she gets a spoonful of yogurt, Leyla just looks at Lauren with so much love and gratitude. For a minute, I get lost in the sweetness of it all — I have wanted nothing but love for Dr. Bloom since I started watching New Amsterdam (though, admittedly, I’d hoped it would be with Dr. Sharpe) — but then Leyla tells Lauren, “none of it [would be] possible without you” and I’m snapped out of my revelry. One day, Leyla will find out exactly how possible Lauren made this moment and fear that’ll be the end of their relationship. And worse yet? That moment might be coming sooner than I’d imagined.

There’s an ambulance accident just outside the hospital and Lauren mobilizes the ED to respond to the incoming traumas. The show misses the opportunity to showcase Lauren’s trauma for the previous ambulance accident, only allowing Max to recall the horror of that day. Still, though, the past trauma resonates: Lauren grows obsessed with finding out why the accident happened.

As she searches for answers, she’s approached by Dr. Veronica Fuentes, the hospital’s soon-to-be medical director. Fuentes thanks Bloom for her donation to the Dean’s discretionary fund. Lauren’s clearly taken aback about being called out and asks Fuentes to keep her family’s donation confidential. Lauren minimizes the donation — calling it “nothing special” and something her family does all the time — and Fuentes suggests making another donation, this time to the hospital’s endowment. Lauren considers it but says she has to talk to her family and their lawyer first. But if there was ever any doubt about Dr. Fuentes’ intentions, she makes it clear when she asks, “is Dr. Shinwari involved? If so, I’d like to extend my gratitude to her as well.”

“No,” Lauren insists. “I mean, she doesn’t know we do this and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Fuentes encourages Lauren to think about a gift to the endowment and assures her that Leyla doesn’t have to know about that gift either. The implication is clear: Fuentes knows that Lauren bought Leyla’s place in the residency program and, without a donation to the hospital’s endowment, she’ll expose Lauren’s misdeed. It would put her career, her medical license and her relationship at risk…and Lauren cannot abide that. She calls the family attorney and leaves a message about making another donation to New Amsterdam.

Nancy Drew 304: “The Demon of Piper Beach”

Written by Valerie Anne

Just wanted to say hello from my Nancy/Bess shipping dumpster again. How’ve ya been.

This episode features one of my favorite sci-fi tropes: curated nightmares! It’s such a fun, fascinating way to get into characters’ psyches, and this episode did not disappoint. Horseshoe Bay’s favorite queer lady’s nightmare, for example, was about not being allowed to be a Woman in White; at least on the surface. What we learn is Bess’s fears go a little deeper; it’s about being left out, underestimated, discounted. Being perceived to be not good enough, or worse, being not good enough.

The nightmares escalate, spreading through the town and causing dangerous sleepwalking situations, but Bess’s ideas and opinions are brushed off at every turn until she storms off. When she comes back with a potential magical solution, she realizes everyone else has fallen into a sleep she can’t rouse them from and she’s on her own. She calls her roommate Ryan for help, and now that she’s without her friends she’s starting to doubt herself, but he has no hesitation; he believes in her.

She uses some magic to lucid dream her way into the Drew Crew’s nightmares, gathers them up the Bess Bus and gives them a piece of her mind. She’s sick of not being taken seriously, and she knows that they love her but she wants them to respect her. So they sit back and lets Bess take the wheel, literally and figuratively. They get to the beach where the boss battle will take place, and they all shout their encouragement as Bess takes the sandman down.

When the danger passes and everyone wakes up, they apologize to Bess for doubting her, and she asks for their support in starting her own, newer, better, good-er coven of Women in White, and Nancy says she’ll be great. I’m THRILLED for more Witchy Bess.

Legacies 404: “See You on the Other Side”

Written by Valerie Anne

The lying (down), the witch, and the werewolf.

Whew this episode was a RIDE. We open with Hope in limbo, the Ferryman trying to take her to peace. But ultimately she knows she can’t abandon her definitely-in-danger found family on the off-chance her blood family is waiting in the light for her, so she wakes up. The world is too loud and the lights are too bright but she’s alive…sort of. She is the Tribrid.

Josie tries to find a way to get Landon and Cleo out of Malavore’s void, so she assembles a Super Sub-Squad, including Finch, to keep everyone safe while she does black magic. Finch does her best, and does stop the spell before it’s totally done, but it’s too late: Dark Josie is back.

But despite Dark Josie’s best attempts, Finch is not intimidated. She sees what’s going on and she tells Josie that while she’s fighting to keep her two sides separate, she’ll always be struggling. She’s not Light Josie and Dark Josie. She’s Josie. And until Josie can learn to love her dark side, Finch will love it enough for the both of them. Finch kisses her, and suddenly she’s Josie again; just Josie, two halves made whole. With newfound motivation, she rallies her Sub-Squad again and summons Cleo without losing control.

Meanwhile, Landon momentarily gains control of his body again, and says goodbye to Hope. She says always, he says forever, then Hope fulfills her destiny and my dreams and kills Landon. Maybe for good this time.

Back at school, Finch is still stressed about the Merge, and Josie does want to talk about that, but for now, they should celebrate their win with a different kind of magic. They fall onto the bed together and there’s wolfing out and magic fireworks and sexy, sexy magic.

Oh also? Hope turns off her humanity to avoid all those pesky feelings. Should be fine!

Queens 103: “Who You Calling a Bitch?”

Written by Carmen

This is not the point at all, but the title of this episode is an EXCELLENT Queen Latifah reference.

Last week on Queens we did a tour through the last twenty years of Jill’s rise to stardom as Da Thrill in her late 90s rap group Nasty Bitches and all her internalized homophobia (and related drug problem) that came with it. But this week we’re firmly in the present! And in the present the newly out Jill has been dubbed the “Hottest Lesbian in the World.”

That title comes from Alicia, a reporter form Out Magazine who is doing a profile on Jill as the group prepares their reunion tour following a straight up disastrous performance. The Nasty Bitches have a lot to learn, including potentially changing their name to Queens (I thought this had happened in the pilot episode for some reason? So I’m sorry to have mislead you!). There are points to be made on both side (I thought referencing that Hillary had been referred to as “nasty” in 2016 and AOC was referenced as a “bitch” just last year) — but after a straight up stunner of a rap battle between Eve and Brandy, ultimately the name change becomes permanent.

But back to Jill! Alicia, the very cute interviewer, can’t stop herself from flirting with her interview subject — which is highly unprofessional, but I also understand that Jill has Naturi Naughton’s face and so here we are. First Alicia invites Jill out with a group of her friends at a gay bar, which is filled of so many hilarious stereotypes in a one minute mark it almost makes your head spin (a brief, incomplete rundown: “baby gay,” “pillow princess,” Janelle Monáe playing overhead).

Later, Alicia invites Jill out to dinner to make her ex jealous, which Jill didn’t realize until she got there. When Alicia gets a little aggressive with her flirting, putting her hand a little high up on Jill’s thigh for comfort if you ask me — Jill books it out of there. That same night Alicia shows up at Jill’s hotel room door and — as we later find out during a montage — Jill invites her in, officially cheating on her girlfriend back home, Tina. Which is so heartbreaking to me! Alicia is hot, but I really liked Tina! It’s all too much. How can one choose?

The Morning Show: Mommy Issues, Activate!

After the Events of last week’s episode, I am thrilled to be back and reporting on The Gay Happenings on The Morning Show! For the blessed few among you who have decided to keep up with this silly show exclusively via my recaps here, last week, Alex traveled
to Italy to yell at Mitch and get him to sign a piece of paper saying that they have never slept together. (They did.) They yelled at each other a lot, then kind of made up, and at the end of the episode Mitch dies in a car crash. Surprise!

As you can imagine, the bulk of the episode is concerned with the TMS staff confirming (episode title!) and processing Mitch’s death. But because this episode is technically set the day after Bradley is outed, our Girlfriends In the News are working on some things as well! Bradley wants to apologize to Laura re: the fight they had last night about Bradley being too fucked up to talk to her family about her queerness and the fact that her brother slash Plot Device is currently crashing on her couch.

Bradley and Laura have made their separate ways to work, a montage scored very subtly by Tennessee Ernie Ford’s Sixteen Tons. (St. Peter, don’t you call me ’cause I can’t go // I owe my soul to the company store.) Upon arriving, Bradley has her assistant book her brother a flight back home, then calls Laura to tell her that she made use of those things called boundaries! She didn’t talk to him about it or anything, just booked him a flight! Problem solved! Laura is like “hmm okay that is not exactly what I meant by boundaries, but also, is it possible we could have this conversation literally at any other time? Or at least before I have to co-host a Morning Show with my girlfriend?”

Left: “What do you mean you don’t want to talk about our relationship ten minutes before we have to go on air??” Right: *siiiiiiiiigh*

Bradley is a little miffed by this, and only more so when Laura says “there is not enough hair and make up in the world to make me look like I’m enjoying this.” I am assuming that she means just like, generally having to deal with co-hosting amid the rumors and gossip but I doooo think she’s also a touch pissed at Bradley and, well, ouch! They are quite frosty to one another on air— Bradley actually straight up ignores a direct question from Laura! Rude!

They are both so mad but they look so hot??

Halfway through the broadcast, they are waiting for second confirmation on the Mitch story when Bradley’s producer tells her that Plot Device is here. Yep, he did not take to Bradley’s boundaries very well at all, and it’s clear he’s been using, as he wanders through the halls of TMS and sings Simon and Garfunkel The Boxer. I imagine the music supervisor on this show has regular mud fights with the music supervisor on The Handmaid’s Tale to decide who gets to use the rights for the most obvious needle drops. For some reason, Bradley does not take him to her dressing room, but rather to the public cafe area to get a cup of coffee and beg him to stop causing a scene.

Laura comes to see if Bradley is ever coming back to set, and Plot Device immediately clocks her as The Girlfriend. Bradley tells him about Mitch dying in a car accident, and that the staff is waiting to report on it, trying to make him understand how much she needs him to be quiet. Instead, he starts talking about their dad, who killed a child while drunk driving, and when Bradley says that he can’t do this to her right now, he snaps. He starts breaking mugs and anything else he can get his hands on as the crowd of onlookers grows. Laura calls security, and they haul him outta there while Bradley is sobbing and frankly it is just a huge bummer.

And look, if we are only going to get a little bit of gay content in this episode, I am incredibly grateful to them for giving me this gift of a scene, simply overflowing with Mommi Content. I mean:

Not pictured: Your recapper screaming into a pillow

Bradley thinks she is a horrible person, and Laura tells her that she is not, she is just a person who grew up in a crazy environment and learned behaviors that are not helping her now. She wonders if Bradley has ever been to therapy. For those keeping score, yes, this is the third time Laura has brought up therapy. She really is putting the L in LGBTQ! And she knows it’s hard, she has had to cut people in her life off too, and it really sucks. But living like this is not working, so maybe it’s time Bradley makes a change? Plot Device is Bradley’s baby Plot Device! She can’t just cut him off. Laura suggests rehab, and when Bradley sighs in a very defeated way, she says: “Honestly? Honestly, honey, I think you might have to walk away.” Her hand is resting on Bradley’s thigh, and I am positively losing my mind at the extremely Mommi vibe Laura is rocking. Like!

*passes out*

The episode ends with Alex telling Bradley that she should be the one to break Mitch’s death, and Bradley delivers a somber, surprisingly thoughtful and clear eyed obituary, with Laura by her side. And now there are only two episodes left! What does this mean for our favorite Girlfriends in The News?

As ever, I will be here to update you and guide you through any and all gay moments that happen this season! And if you like, you can read my old school, Television Without Pity style recaps via my (free) newsletter, Chaos, It’s The New Cocaine where I am bravely recapping every episode in painstaking detail, yes, even the straight stuff.

“Twenties” Episode 204 Recap: Tall Femme, Short Stud Date Night

What’s up and welcome back to your Twenties recap 204, otherwise known as my favorite episode of the series thus far and also Ida will you marry me. Last week, Chuck starred in an adaption of Barry Jenkins’ Moonlight and we found out that he had some homosexual situations with his ex-college roommate back in the day. We thought it would be biphobic, but actually we were into it! And now…

This week we start with a quick run around the friendship group. Marie and Chuck have their first of six months (omg!!!!) of marriage counseling and Marie wants to know why Chuck came home so late last night. Hattie’s a little embarrassed to be delivering packages on her old studio lot. Nia is finally verified on Instagram.

Marie and Chuck have their first pre-wedding counseling with Reverend Ty. Harmon, who uses they/them pronouns (Yesssss sib!!). The Reverend tells Marie and Chuck that we’re going to start with a compatibility test, and we should have the results in a few days.

Studs with dimples sitting with their legs wide and talking about WRITING. No notes. Head empty. Mind ya business.

Hattie is at Idina’s apartment for her first real writers’ group and of course she already fucked up the assignment. She didn’t read any of her group members’ scripts, and when she starts talking fast about how it’s hard to balance writing with her job, Idina cuts her off. They all have jobs; this group doesn’t believe in making excuses.

Narrator Voice: Completely not relevant to the scene at all — but it is important to ME that you know that I own Hattie’s Erkyah Badu verzuz Jill Scott sweatshirt as a crop top and it’s one of my favorites; it’s so soft looks great with all of my sweatpants. Black women! Amirite?

Idina gets everyone to give Hattie a second chance. Hattie, already now the fuckup of her new peers, sits back as she starts to take in all the other writers talking around her.

After the group Hattie helps Idina clean up. They talk about the importance of accountability, and laugh a bit, but the main reason I’m bringing this up is because remember that crush Idina had on Hattie last year? The vibes remain. Idina couldn’t stop making eyes if her life depended that shit.

As long as Hattie wears this uniform, all I hear is bom-chicka-wow-wow.

After the writers’ group, Hattie is all dressed up in her BDE (Narrator Voice: 😈) uniform when she gets an unfortunate phone call from the homie Louie Anderson.

She’s been fired. Again. Reasons why include: She has no upper body strength, which is a sadness to me personally; she talks too much; and she’s always on her phone. Hattie’s mama got her this job, so she’s going to have some real explaining to do.

Immediately after the bad news drops, Ida texts to see if Hattie wants to meet up tonight for dinner. Hattie’s in a bad mood, but Ida promises she knows how to make Hattie feel all better, by taking her to her favorite spot, and yes all those italics are necessary so that you know she’s talking real dirty.

DATE NIGHT!! DATE NIGHT!! But first!

You’re telling me that when I’m not home you’re still playing Kanye? KANYE? That’s divorce right there.

Back at church, Marie and Chuck are doing another session of couple’s counseling. They ace’d the parts of their compatibility test that were about finances and family, but there’s some real discrepancies around sex. I thought we were gonna beat around the bush, but they get right to it — Chuck tells Marie he’s bisexual. They shouldn’t get married.

Marie tells him that she knows. She’s always known.

Rev Harmon affirms for Chuck that just because he’s bisexual, that doesn’t mean they can’t get married. Chuck tears up, it’s just this journey is so confusing and he’s just getting started. The Rev understands, it took a long time for them to be comfortable in who they were, too.

There’s more to it, but we have a lot to cover in this episode and much like our new bestie Chuck, I’ll cut to the chase —  I’ve always assumed that one of the reasons BET has historically been, well frankly, so homophobic was its ties to the conservative Black church. It matters to have a non-binary minister. It matters that we’re in church when Chuck first tells Marie he’s bisexual. It matters that everyone affirms him. None of those details, on this platform, are coincidental. And they deserve to be seen.

(This will sound sarcastic, but I sincerely love how every scene of Marie and Chuck is staged like these two people have never touched each other. I’ve never been more rooting for a couple not to make it.)

At home, Marie and Chuck are sitting in their living room. Everything feels tight. Sterile. You know when you’re a kid and you’ve pulled the rubber band too far between your hands and you know the minute you let go, it’s gonna snap back on you and burn, but until you let go the tension is so freaking tight that it also hurts and there’s no way out of this, only pain? That.

Chuck wants to know what Marie is thinking. She’s thinking about a lot of things, how easy it is to treat relationships like careers — checking off a list. Get a college degree?✔️ Find an amazing partner?✔️ Find a great house to live in?✔️ Get engaged…. ✔️

Chuck was so busy checking off the list, he never stopped to think about who he really wanted to be. And listen, I know this is Chuck’s story to tell — but I believe this has also been true of Marie. She’s been unhappy for as long as we’ve known her, and it’s not the same as the Big Emotional Journey of a late-in-life bisexual coming-of-age of a Black man (it’s not!), but in her own way, she’s been suffocating under the weight of who she’s expected to be. This is also her chance for freedom.

She wants to marry Chuck, and Chuck wants to marry her. But not like this. At Marie’s suggestion, they agree to open up their relationship — at least for a while. At least for long enough to find themselves.

Not gonna lie, I might be looking for murder.

I still volunteer as tribute.

Ida is making good on her promise to take Hattie out for date night. Of course they both look scream-worthy, like a hot couple looking for a third. (Side note: Is “red” their official background color? Side note to that side note: Do Hattie and Ida have a ship name? Because it would be so helpful to type less letters.)

Still, Hattie feels uneasy. And maybe that’s because it’s dawning on her that up until this very moment, all of their date nights have been playing board games in Ida’s bedroom. She wants to know, did Ida rent out the restaurant to be romantic — or because she doesn’t want to be seen with Hattie in public?

Ida: I like my privacy.

Hattie: No, you like your privilege, and this is just another way for you to protect it.

Ida: You know what? I think I lost my appetite.

Hattie: Every day you when you walk out of your house, you get to be this light-skinned, straight-presenting, curly-haired woman that doesn’t have to deal with half of the bullshit that the rest of us do.

Ida: Wow.

Hattie: Yeah, “wow.”

And for everything that comes after, there isn’t an easy right or wrong.

Ida is privileged. Light skinned Black women have privilege. Femmes with aesthetics that “pass for straight” have privilege. Immense privilege within our own communities that benefit us economically, protect us from hatred and violence, even from first glance. At this point in her life (because we don’t know her history) Ida is so wealthy that she can buy out an entire restaurant for a fun “date night.”

Flat out — Hattie should call her out on it. Ida could (and should!) be doing more to hold space for the fact Hattie is not walking in her world. She should be leveraging her many privileges to better support her partner. I don’t necessarily want to applaud Ida for doing the basics, but for a woman who is so infamously guarded, I’m relieved that she doesn’t shut down. She listens. She reaches out for Hattie’s hand and offers her warmth.

Ida: Hattie, have you ever broken through a glass ceiling?

Hattie: No, I haven’t.

Ida: You get scarred by it. You accumulate bruises that don’t ever go away. My first five years, I cried myself to sleep every night — because I didn’t have any friends or any support. My family started giving up on me because my dream was taking too long to come true. So I’m sorry that you can’t tell that I like women by looking at me, and I’m sorry that I have a white grandfather, but you know what? Those are things that I can’t help.

Hattie: But you can acknowledge it.

It’s true, Hattie doesn’t necessarily know the cost of being that first one through the door. What it means when every day you wake up and it’s another day of being alone. And there’s this voice telling you that you can’t give up on your ambitious outlandish dream, even when you’re ripping open your own skin and crushing your own bones to fit into a pretzel to make it there. If Ida’s guarded, she very well might have reason to be.

And so, no — none of it is right. It’s honest. It’s as honest a conversation between two queer Black women as I’ve ever seen on television. No white gaze to filter. No straightness to wade through. Only us. Asking how we can be better accountable to and for ourselves.

Hattie: People take one look at me and they know that I’m gay as hell and I’m Black as hell. And I can’t hide from it. You can.

Ida: I don’t want to.

Hattie: I can’t tell.

Ida: I have shared a lot of my life with the world, and I was hoping that this was one thing that I could keep to myself.

Hattie: There’s a way to be discreet without disowning who you are.

Queer Black women with nothing left to hide. Seeing each other’s fears, and vulnerabilities, and that familiar dinged up, rusted armor we put on to walk in this world.

And promising not protection — because that’s never really possible, not truly — but something like love.

Post-Credit Notes:

+ I couldn’t fit it into the recap, but Nia’s plot this week also included more flirting with Marie’s co-worker and then going on a lil drinks date with him… I still don’t know this dude’s name! But he tells Nia that he’s ready to break up with Lauren (Hattie’s white ex co-worker who has all the funny lines! Welcome to the recap properly, Lauren!! I’ll never forget your name again!)

+ Hattie found out she got fired on Obama Blvd

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Hattie would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 0

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Ida would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 0 (and no one is sadder about this than me)

+ Quote of the episode: Ida: “Oh you just going to eat me out of house and home?” / Hattie, chuckling under her breath: “See.. I could have made a dirty joke right then, but I ain’t gonna do it.”

+ Related to the above point — Ok I lied, there was at least ONE moment when Hattie was a mistake I would gladly make.

“Batwoman” Episode 304 Recap: Stayin’ Alive

Hello readers, new and old! Welcome to another ice cold (I’m so sorry) Batwoman recap!

Previously on Batwoman, Sophie helped Ryan stave off hypothermia by whispering sweet nothings into her ear, Mary made the difficult decision to tell the team about Luke’s PTSD, Jada threatened Ryan, Alice’s delusions increased, and Mary got DRAGGED INTO SOME HEDGES by sentient ivy?!

For reasons unknown, we open on a very zoomed in and terrified looking eyeball and I hate it so so much. Zooming out doesn’t help much because the eyeball belongs to a very frozen person who’s part of some kind of reanimation project. A strange man in a hat instructs the person to stand, and they immediately and quite literally crumble. I’m sure that’s fine.

Speaking of things that are definitely fine and not at all concerning, Mary is alone on a bench in the park, looking quite angelic, and surrounded by vines slowly unfurling from her body. When she wakes up, she finds a thorn in her arm, and pulls it out before going to find her friends.

“Angel of miiiiiiine.”

At the loft, Ryan is showing Luke a framed article showcasing her inclusion in Gotham’s 30 under 30 list thanks to her very involved brother, Marquis. The photo is hella cute plus Ryan IS a rising star, so she’s gonna roll with this one since ghosting Marquis hasn’t worked. Luke is worried Jada will find out the two are friendly and come after Wayne Enterprises, but Ryan assures him that she plans to give Marquis the cold shoulder at the media event. PLUS ANYWAY SOPHIE WILL BE THERE TOO WITH JORDAN SO IT’S ALL FINE.

When your friends question how fly you are, and you have to set them straight.

Mary comes in looking as frazzled as you would expect someone who unknowingly spent the night among magic vines to look. Ryan asks if her “sweet girl” (!!!) spent the night with a guy, but Mary tells them she spent the night in the park and for some reason, neither Ryan nor Luke have a real reaction to this?! Luke’s still upset about Mary blowing up his spot, so he leaves, but Mary just wants someone to listen to her. Ryan offers a “walk and talk” but Mary’s drama requires more active listening, so the two agree to debrief over happy hour drinks. Mary Hamilton deserves so much better, y’all. I don’t think Alice is right about the Bat Team only acknowledging Mary when they need something, but come on, your friend just told you she spent the night in the park and you didn’t think to ask follow up questions?!

If my friend came to me looking like this, I would have some QUESTIONS.

Meanwhile, Alice is in Arkham imagining nanobots crawling in her skin, when a guard comes in and makes a “you’ve got mail” reference that sends both Alice and me into a “wow I’m that old, huh?” spiral. As soon as the guard says he has letters for her from her dad, she knows she’s hallucinating him. So naturally, she snaps his neck, gets the attention of another guard, and asks to speak to Montoya. Spoiler alert: they invoke Montoya’s name SO MANY times in this episode and we don’t get to see her face not one time, and I’m not saying that’s a hate crime, but.

“Back to life, back to reality.”

At the Gotham Expo Hotel, the 30 under 30 media event is in full swing, and our girl Ryan is looking fly as hell in a red dress. Homegirl can flawlessly go from converses and flannel to heels and a freakum dress and it is an inspiration. Ryan is strategizing with Wayne’s PR guy and absolutely killing the step and repeat when Marquis shows up and throws her off her game. A photographer manages to snap their picture together, and Marquis claims he was just doing a nice thing by getting Ryan on this list, but Ryan doesn’t buy it.

Is this Javicia or Ryan though?

Across the exhibit hall, Sophie is with her sister Jordan complaining about how she can’t get free champagne unless she’s an honoree and their sibling banter is all very cute. Even though this whole scene is off-brand for Jordan, she claims she’s only here to use her speech to get a larger budget for the community center. Sophie’s proud of her sister for keeping her eyes on the prize, but the only prize Sophie has her eyes on at the moment is Ryan Wilder. The two catch each other’s eyes and they smirk and it’s all so angsty and I am LIVING.

“‘Cause all I know is we said, “Hello” and your eyes look like comin’ home”

Sophie tells Jordan about a dream she had where Ryan brought her soup in bed, but she woke up before even trying the soup. Jordan is like, “ah yes, classic longing, I know her well.” Sophie insists that it wasn’t a sexual dream, until she remembers Ryan brought a flower with the soup and oh no, mayhaps the dream meant a little more than maybe Ryan is just really good at taking care of her friends.

That moment you realize your dream meant what you hoped it didn’t.

Poor Sophie laments about everyone in her life killing it, while she’s 31 with an uncertain career and all she wants is a girlfriend. I don’t have the energy today to get into the depths to which I relate to Sophie in this moment, so all I’ll say is… GIRL, YOU’RE DOING AMAZING. She’s doing so amazing that she can’t stop staring at Ryan and Jordan calls her out HARD. As Sophie walks away, the same hat guy from the opening grabs Jordan, tranqs her, and drags her away.

At the Jeturian offices, Jada’s checking out the CW version of Getty images and sees the photo of her children together at the event. This would please some parents, but not Miss Jada! She decides to give Vesper Fairchild a scoop that will help the radio host’s falling ratings.

I know she’s the worst, but I can’t get enough of Jada Jet.

Back at the clinic, Mary’s tending to some plants which probably definitely doesn’t have anything to do with night in the park. Nope. Alice rolls in and y’all, I’m convinced this writers’ room just has a list of “Potential Alice Entrances” and they’re ticking them off one by one, because this is comedic GOLD. Anyway, Alice claims Montoya (yet another mention) let her out because she has information about another Batman trophy, but JK, that trophy doesn’t exist; apparently Montoya will believe anything if you say it in a low enough octave and honestly, same.

Mary knows there’s got to be a reason Alice is playing hooky, but Alice deflects by threatening to tell Montoya that Batwoman is doing a media tour instead of fulfilling her end of their deal to get back all of the Batman trophies.

“Legends of Tomorrow” Episode 704 Recap: Gals and Pals

What ho! Welcome to this recap of Legends of Tomorrow season 7, episode 7, “Speakeasy Does It” aka one of the best episodes of the show ever which is a really high bar but I loved it so much?????

We open once again in the 20s, where we’ve been for a few episodes, which has actually been kind of nice. The Bullet Blondes Gang ditches Hoover’s car and get ready to hop on a train. Their plan is to buy three tickets and have the rest hide out in the mansion key, until they realize Gary’s misunderstanding of human money and inflation means that he over tipped the last waitress they had by so much they only have enough money for one person to travel.

“I *will* make this a No Boys Allowed team if you keep this up, Gary!”

And in the meantime, they have to find a way to hide the city’s most wanted blondes. Zari spots a wig store and knows it’s her time to shine, so she drags her captains in and tries to find them a suitable disguise. She tries to ask the store owner for help, but he fully ignores her. Zari is a little confused until Sara tries to talk to him and he answers the straight-passing white lady readily and it’s clear what’s happening here. (Spoiler alert: it’s racism.)

I’m sure Caity Lotz would want us to love him anyway. “Your CW wigs are trash anyway, sir.”

The man moves to fulfil Sara’s request and Ava and Sara apologize to Zari and promise to hurry up. They take two not-blonde wigs but since the fuzz caught sight of Hoover’s car, they have to pay the rest of their easy-earned money to sneak out the back door of the shop.

Zari is furious and declares how much she hates the 20s and how only Nate, their token straight white man, actually fits in here. And this is one thing that I’ve always appreciated about this show; I remember back in the first season, when Stein was delighted by the 50s, calling it idyllic, Jax and Sara had to point out that he only feels that way because he’s a straight white man. While of course they water down the truth of the kind of racism and sexism this particular group might have been met with for this romp of a show, they never deny its existence or shy away from putting words to it.

Ava and Sara could be doing more to proactively protect their team from situations like this but I guess there’s a lot going on.

Luckily for the Legends, however, the alley they emptied into happens to be the entrance to a speakeasy, and Zari managed to say the password in her fury…because the password is password.

The first thing the historian in the group notices is that the Speakeasy is inclusive, a rare thing to see in the 20s in mob-run Chicago. It seems, at least for the moment, they’ve found a safe haven.

Slightly less lucky are Spooner, Astra, and Gideon, who are sneaking around on a train they don’t have a ticket for.

Spooner tries to map out a plan and Astra teases her for sounding like Ava, which is cute on at least three levels. The tickettaker comes and they make a break for it, and try to play it off when they’re caught, but ultimately need to be saved by a woman named Maude, who lies and says they’re part of her band with the energy of a drunk stranger in the bathroom telling you not to call your ex like she’s known you for years.

“Did we just become best friends?”

Back in the Speakeasy, Ava is stressed because the Bullet Blondes are all over the papes. They’re being called robbers, bootleggers…and worst of all, sisters!

Tell me you have queer people in your writers’ room without telling me you have queer people in your writers’ room.

But that gives Sara an idea. They need more money to get to New York, the world already thinks they’re criminals…and they happen to have an endless supply of whiskey at their disposal. So she works out a deal with the owner, Eddie, and sells him some booze, offering him a sizable cut in exchange for use of their storage closet and a lack of questions.

What the Bullet Blondes don’t know is that they’re running out of time; Robot Hoover is hot on their heels.

Meanwhile, The Spatula Squad thanks Maude for her quick thinking and for using her boyfriend’s name and her manager’s scary appearance to their advantage. Maude says it’s no problem. After all, “gals help gals and make new pals.”

“That’s not quite what gal pals mean where we come from but also, yes.”

Her friend Suzie chimes in, adding that men won’t look out for you like women will. When Suzie says her full name to her new friends, Gideon uses her big computer brain and starts rattling off facts about her life, and Spooner has to ask her to play the quiet game.

Astra lies to Maude and says Gideon is the Lark of London and Spooner is her vocal coach, Esperanza. And Astra? She’s their manager. Maude is taken aback by this, a woman manager, and complains that their current manager isn’t very good at his job. Astra asks to see the contract, ready to return a favor for their new gal pals.

Seeing how predictably absurd the contract is, Astra gives the manager a piece of her mind. He’s racist and sexist too, but Astra doesn’t flinch, and tells Maude that her contract is long since expired if she wants out. So Maude takes her advice and fires her, and as a reward, Astra magics some first class tickets for the masquerading mavens.

I’m glad Astra is a Legend now but I also do love when her Queen of Hell momentarily shines through.

At the Speakeasy, Zari and Eddie are bonding over their safe haven, and how happy her brother seems on stage. (I don’t know how Ava is letting Zari just use her phone as a mirror all willy nilly but it was cute that Eddie thought it was just a fancy compact.)

Sorry not sorry for how many gratuitous photos of Zari are in this recap, I just love Tala Ashe, okay?!

He tells her to live in the moment, and feel the here and now, and they have a sweet little bond. Sara interrupts, looking for Ava, wanting to show off all their new money, and since she’s back in the mansion, Sara leads the rest of the team into the “storage closet” for the night.

As soon as the Legends go into the mansion, Maude’s boyfriend Battoni shows up, and roughs him up for going against their agreement and buying liquor from someone else. When Zari comes out to get something from the bar and sees Eddie all bloodied up, she calls for her team and when Sara and Ava emerge, pre-bed and, thus, post-wig, he realizes he’s been unwittingly harboring the Bullet Blondes.

“The reports of our crimes have been greatly exaggerated.”

When the Legends ask who did this to him, Eddie looks up at Sara and says, “You did.”

Eddie blames the Legends for losing his bar, and getting him even more tangled in the mob mess than he already was. Zari is especially furious; this was the first place she felt safe outside Gloria’s farmhouse since they got to the 1920s. And she wants to fix it. She asks her captains to give her 24 hours of being in charge to fix it; she says they can’t keep leaving the timeline worse than they found it.

I agree with Zari; closing down a safe haven for people of color and queer people is a surefire way to alter history for the worse.

And specifically, they can’t leave this city’s outcasts without their one safe space. Sara agrees quickly, and Ava is more cautious but also knows Zari is right. So Zari convinces Eddie to come with her, and uses the storage room in the back of the wig shop to show Eddie the magic mansion. She says she wants to hold a fundraiser so Eddie can open up a new bar of his own, and he’s confused but she’s insistent.

“Supergirl” Episode 618 Recap: “Dance, Dance, Revolution”

Goodday and welcome to this recap of Supergirl season 6, episode 18, “Truth or Consequences” aka the one that was entirely too much about Lex Luthor.

We drop into this episode without a previously on, with a reporter telling the Superfriends about Lex’s plans for a Lexosuit army. Nia, cleverly, says the fact that they got this info could be a trap in itself, but Lena says they can just track the Lexosuits and it’ll be fine. Besides, she has important news: she used her rich girl connections to book a VIP suite for Alex and Kelly’s bachelorette party…but it has to be tonight.

I want to know the *exact* nature of Lena’s relationship to this suite-having friend.

Alex feels like it’s short notice, and they JUST learned more about the threat at hand, but Kara reassures her that if she’s waiting for everything to be perfectly good and safe, she’s going to be waiting forever. You have to mine your own joy, however and whenever you can. So after an adorable chant of “do it” from the Superfriends, Alex gleefully agrees.

The reverie is interrupted when Alex’s phone dings because she’s a mom now so her phone is always on a too-loud setting. The message is from Kelly; Esme had a tough day at school so she’s going to go help with mom duties.

This is neither here nor there but I own this outfit with a slightly cooler-toned plaid and I am here for this representation.

After she leaves, the rest of the team gets a news alert so they turn on the TV. Turns out Andrea took Lex’s journals and published them under someone else’s byline, which is a reporting no-no.

Up in the glam rock spaceship, Nyxly is watching the news, too, and she’s grumpy that they called her a psychopath even though they don’t even know her. And I do love that Nyxly doesn’t ever quite react the way a “typical” villain would. She’s not angry, her ego isn’t hurt, she’s just genuinely confused why and how they came to that conclusion. But anyway she can’t be bothered with all that right now, she needs to find the truth totem.

Back at the Tower, Brainy tells the team that he talked to the Legion in the future. He’s pretty somber as he tells them that in the future, Nyxly and Lex are a power couple, Which everyone is grossed out by, especially Lena, who can’t imagine him caring about anyone besides himself.

I need someone to make me a line graph to see if Lena’s buttons are inversely proportional to her hair. Because I feel like we might have a buttons up/hair down, buttons down, hair up trend on our hands.

Brainy goes on to say that in the future, they did complete the AllStone but something happened and Nyxly died, so they figure that’s why Lex is back.

Just then, Lena gets a ping that her algorithms have tracked the Lexosuits, so Team Alien goes to the glam rock space ship to get the totems back. Brainy gets his hands on one, and Nyxly yeets them through a dream portal, but Nia makes one of her own and gets them back to the Tower safely, Hope Totem in hand.

Since this is the totem they originally threw into the sun, they realize now that totems can’t be destroyed, which means the Love Totem is still out there somewhere, too.

“All of us are in the same episode for once, surely nothing will go wrong today!”

Brainy sulks off, suggesting perhaps he learned more about the future then he’s letting on, but that’s a problem for later.

Back at Casa Dansen, Alex and Kelly are cleaning Esme off after she accidentally used rage powers on a bully who made fun of the treat she plans on making for a baking competition? Unclear on what exactly this is for because Esme is in the age range of kids I taught for a while and typically we don’t expect children who aren’t tall enough to see the top of the stove to know how to cook. But anyway, as Alex and Kelly are cleaning Esme off, they notice the flower tattoo on her back that wasn’t there the last time they bathed her, and wonder what it means.

Once Esme’s adoption is final can I be next?

Meanwhile, Brainy finds out from another Brianiac that he has to return to the 31st century and merge with the Big Brain to save the future of his alien race. Brainy is upset; he has a family, he is in love. He doesn’t want to abandon the Superfriends, or Nia. He wants to find another way. And since apparently they can’t just wait 60 years and then have Brainy go to the 31st century for timey wimey reasons I don’t understand, Brainy is left feeling very, very sad.

Over in VillainVille, the crystal ball shows Nyxly where the Truth Totem is, so she heads to a vault and picks up an old timey camera. She says the magic word, and Sir Totem the Great asks her to reveal her inner truths. She starts by just rattling off the easy things; her goals, her plans, her surface level feelings.

Did I miss them say whose camera this is? I tend to zone out when Lex is on screen but if this was culturally significant, I missed it.

When that’s not enough, she also admits she’s afraid of possessing the bad parts of her father, and also that part of her still wants his approval. Which honestly I think is so interesting and relatable and could have been explored further but instead she also says she doesn’t want to be alone and wants to get past her trust issues. The Gauntlet Giver tells her she did great, and the Truth Totem will now act as a lie detector for her. She promptly uses it on Lex, and learns that not only does he really love her, but also he has no plans to betray her.

Alex and Kelly take Esme to the Tower, and Esme is so happy to see Aunt Kara, it’s very cute. They tell her about Esme’s powers going wackadoodle and that they’re going to run some tests to make sure she’s okay.

My mom used to leave my Wishbear or American Girl doll in the car when we went inside places that weren’t home so I appreciate Esme’s moms letting her keep Lovey with her all the time.

Kara tries to be supportive of Alex, and she has an idea to maybe make Esme little lead-lined glasses to help keep her powers at bay so she can fit in at school. This advice INFURIATES Alex, who says Esme has had her powers dampened enough in her little life and she won’t ask her to hide who she is. She just has to understand her powers, not stifle them.

“Not all of us are comfortable in our closets, sister mine.”

Kara thinks perhaps Alex misunderstood her; she’s just offering a solution that she found useful, as an alien herself, an experience Alex couldn’t possibly understand. But Alex doesn’t want parenting advice from Kara, so she storms off. And I wish we had seen more one-on-one conversations between Kara and Alex about Alex becoming a mother in the past few episodes, maybe Alex asking Kara what she herself did that helped Kara feel more welcome when she was first adopted that maybe she didn’t realize was so impactful. Because I think then it would have been even more clear that this is Alex lashing out in that way siblings (or even close friends) sometimes do when their emotions are running high and they know they can react first and apologize later. On one hand it’s sort of nice we didn’t need it…we know Alex Danvers well enough to know that she’s lashing out at Kara because a) it’s a safe person to let her yucky feelings out on because a sister’s capacity for forgiveness is a deep well, and b) that it stems from Alex’s insecurities about being a mother to an alien baby, and about how she and her sister both had to keep secrets about themselves that ate away at them a little. But on the other hand if we spent less time with Lex and more time with the Danvers sisters, we’d all be better for it.

If we don’t get one more Danvers sisters couch scene before the end of the series, I will riot.

On the other side of the Tower, Nia is trying to use the Dream Totem to find Nyxly, but has a vision about Brainy instead. She storms off to find her boyfriend and demands to know why he’s going back to the future and, more importantly, why he didn’t tell her. He promises he was going to tell her soon, that he only just found out himself, so Nia declares that she wants to go with him.

“You know Alex’s ears turn red when someone mentions Sara Lance but I will ask for her number and find you in the future myself!

Unfortunately, that’s not how time and space work, so instead they just have to be sad together. And one idea I had after this conversation, not a new idea by any means, is that once Nia’s journey with the Superfriends is over, perhaps she can become a part-time Legend. That way she’ll live outside of space and time, and she can both continue her life as Nia Nal and continue Dreamer’s legacy, but also be able to visit Brainy. And then we’d get to see her on Legends of Tomorrow now and then. Free idea, CWDCTV!

November 2021: What’s New and Gay on Netflix, Paramount, Showtime, Amazon Prime, Apple TV, HBO Max and More!

Another month, another opportunity to discuss the crucial community issue of what gay stuff we can stream on services such as Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, HBO, Paramount Plus, Apple TV. How will we ever keep up! Let us begin with the homosexual highlights.

Netflix Content for the Gals, Gays and Theys in November 2021

Big Mouth: Season 5 – November 5

“Big Mouth is an irreverent comedy about teens navigating a time of puberty, in an animated world where things like hormones, mental health, and more unseen forces are represented by literal monsters that follow you around and only you can see. The show has already featured a bisexual mom, a pansexual student, a trans girl voiced by Josie Totah, and other queerness sprinkled throughout. The Season 5 trailer seems to imply that one of the main characters, Jesse, might be falling for aforementioned pansexual, Ali, which I’m sure will result in something that is equal parts sweet, hilarious, and awkward as all hell, as is the way of Big Mouth.” — Valerie

Gentefied: Season 2 – November 10

One of 2020’s few unexpected gifts was this spirited dramedy about the Morales family fighting to save their family’s restaurant in a rapidly gentrifying area — and we were of course particularly interested in Ana, the queer artist who finds political issues bleeding into her relationship with her girlfriend.In Season 2 they will be dealing with Pop’s deportation and Ana will be “choosing to be with the ones who choose [her]” including a very hot girl she’s looking at art with and dancing with in the trailer!

Passing (2021) – November 10

“Formally, Rebecca Hall’s directorial debut Passing; an adaptation of Nella Lawson’s classic Harlem Renaissance novel, is about Irene (Tessa Thompson), a Black woman finds her world completely turned upside down when she’s reunited with a former childhood friend (Clare, played by Ruth Negga) who’s passing as white. Informally, Passing explores the homoerotic friendship between Irene and Clare, full of longing glances, secret smiles, loaded pauses and fingertip caresses that left Carmen declaring ‘oh this is what white women who love Carol have been passing out about, I get it now.'” — Carmen

Supergirl (The CW): Season 6 – November 16

Cowboy Bebop: Season One – November 19

Based on a beloved anime series, LGBTQ-inclusive Cowboy Bebop follows three bounty hunters in a space Western as they search the solar system for dangerous criminals while also outrunning their own pasts. Nonbinary actor Mason Alexander Park will play the nonbinary role of Gren, a veteran in the original anime who has been updated as running a hot jazz club on Mars.

Vita and Virginia (2019) –  November 22

We all love Vita and Virginia and also, they loved each other. I asked Drew if this movie was good and she said “no, but it wasn’t bad. It’s very fine.”

Bruised (2020) – November 24

“Bruised stars and is directed by Halle Berry (in her directorial debut!) as MMA fisher Jackie Justice. Justice’s deal is that she walked away from her career on the rise, and now middle-aged, accepts an offer to fight the top woman MMA fighter in an off-the-books match while also coping with being reunited with her son, who she gave up as an infant. That’s a lot! And when the photos of Halle Berry in the ring burned down the internet a few months ago, Heather discovered that Halle’s Justice is going to be queer — let’s go indie queer media! Researching the stories that matter!” — Carmen

Hulu Is Not Doing Anything For Us This Month Besides Delivering Gillian Anderson in “The Great” Season 2, Which Isn’t Gay But I Thought You Might Want To Know Anyhow, So, Yeah, Sorry

Boys Don’t Cry (1999) – November 1

A tragic film based on the true story of Brandon Teena, a young trans man in Nebraska who found what felt like home and love and ended up subject to violence and murder.

HBO Max: What Gay and Lesbian and Queer Stuff is Going On There??

The Brady Bunch Movie (1995) – November 1

Alanna Ubach plays Noreen, a total 90s lesbian in a plaid vest and bandana who crushes hard on Marcia Brady in this delightful 90s film inspired by the 70s TV series.

Gossip Girl: Season 1B Premiere – November 7

The second half of Season One of this so-so reboot returns with a Thanksgiving episode and more promised cameos from the original series. Social media expert Monet de Haan, the daughter of pharmaceutical moguls, was revealed to be a lesbian in the first bit of Season One, and of course we will also continue to enjoy Luna La, a Mexican stylist played by trans actress Zion Moreno!

Sort of (CBC): Season 1 Premiere – November 18

This “big-hearted series” follows “fluid millennial” Sabi Mehboob, the youngest child in a large Pakistani family. They work as a bartender at an LGBTQ bookstore/bar and as a nanny for a downtown hipster family and are trying to find themselves in a story that “exposes the labels we once poured ourselves into as no longer applicable… to anyone.” This looks really cool and queer and different and I am personally VERY EXCITED for it.

The Sex Lives of College Girls: Season 1 Premiere – November 18 

Leighton is a preppy homosexual from a wealthy family in this series from Mindy Kaling about, you guessed it, the sex lives of college girls! It’s centered on four freshmen rooommates at Essex College in Vermont.

Paramount Plus Delivering for the LGBTs in November 2021

Star Trek Discovery: Season 4 Premiere – November 18

Season 4 will find Michael Burnham as the ship’s new captain, the first time a Black woman has sat in the captain’s chair in a live-action Trek series. The crew, including lesbian Jet Reno (Tig Notaro) and trans characters Gray (Ian Alexander) will grapple with a giant anamoly threatening to destroy life out of the galaxy, sucking various worlds into its orbit.

The Real World Los Angeles: Homecoming Premiere – November 24

After the reckoning enabled by the New York cast reunion earlier this year, L.A.’s return is sure to be equally dramatic, as the first but certainly not the last cast to vote to remove a roommate from the house. Beth A, who entered the home with a 90s lesbian haircut and a “I’m not gay but my girlfriend is” was a late-add, replacing Irene when she fled the house of sin for marriage.

Amazon Prime Video LGBT Options For People To Watch Things

Tampa Baes: Season One  – November 5

This reality TV show, which has already earned some skepticism for its very light-skinned cast, follows a group of conventionally hot lesbians in Tampa as they drink as much alcohol as they possibly can while somehow retaining gainful employment. Also there are fights and sex!!! And um, this will be a neat little situation for us to process as a society

The Wheel of Time: Season One – November 19

The hotly anticipated series based on the widely beloved fantasy series centers on Aes Sedai, a wildly powerful and all-woman organization. Moiraine (Rosamund Pike) is amongst its most respected members, and is the advisor to Rand (Josa Stradowski), the Dragon Reborn, who will either save or destroy humanity! NBD. The showrunner has confirmed there will be lgbt rep in the show. This prediction was backed up by Heather, so!

Hanna: Season 3 – November 24

Trained assassin Hana, works to destroy Utrax —the sinister organization that created her — from the inside, with the help of her former nemesis, CIA agent Marissa Wiegler. Lesbian character Jules (Gianna Kiehl), along with young assassin Sandy (Aine Rose Daly) are getting suspicious about what exactly are Hanna’s impressions.

Apple TV+ Queer Stuff for November 2021

Dickinson: Season 3 Premiere – November 5

Dickinson’s thrid and final season returns in November and will allegedly take place during the Civil War, a battle that divided Dickinson’s family just as she was emerging as an artist. There are some steamy girl-on-girl kisses in this trailer between Emily and her beloved!

Showtime Anytime Lesbian Materials for November 2021

Yellowjackets: Season 1 Premiere – November 14

I was simply excited to read the cast list for this program that is “equal parts survival epic, psychological horror story and coming-of-age drama” about a team of champion high school soccer players who become the (un)lucky survivors of a plane crash deep in the remote northern wilderness: Melanie Lynskey, Juliette Lewis, Christina Ricci, Tawny Cypress — AND our very own (by which I mean “she’s gay”) Jasmine Savoy Brown. Brown’s character, Taissa, grows up to become a politician with a wife!!! It kind of sounds like Alive?

Peacock LGBT+ Shows for November 2021

Saved by the Bell: Season 2 – November 24

The kids are back for a new year at Bayside with new faces and also “As Jamie (Belmont Cameli) gets support from Lexi (Josie Totah) following her parents’ divorce, Lexi struggles with learning to be a more understanding girlfriend.”

Boobs On Your Tube: Queens’ Queers Will Not Be Denied Communion!

Happy Halloween weekend, you gays! Before you mask up and head out to trick or treat, your favorite TV Team is here with your weekly round-up of queer happenings! But first! This week! Our new Managing Editor Kayla reviewed Girl In The Woods. Sally processed every JoJo Siwa DWTS routine so far. Heather dragged I Know What You Did Last Summer off a cliff and through the mud. Valerie Anne recapped a very gay Supergirl and Legends of Tomorrow‘s 100th episode. Nic stirred up the WildMoore Hive with her Batwoman recap. Carmen recapped a gloriously gay Twenties. And we counted down the 25 most fan fic-ed couples of all time.

Notes from the TV Team:

+ On Home Economics, it’s Halloween! Because ABC has never met a Disney product placement they didn’t love, the Hayworth family goes with a superhero theme — Denise goes as Princess Shuri from Black Panther and Sarah goes as the greatest superhero of them all 19th century feminist and suffragist, Lucretia Mott. Oh Sarah, never change. — Carmen

Hightown 202: “Girl Power”

Written by Natalie

After being rattled from her slumber by a nightmare about losing Junior (again), Jackie puts on her most professional outfit and joins her colleagues in the State Police for a “scared straight” assembly at a local high school. The event brings back more memories of Junior but Jackie pushes them out of her head and tries to focus on work. She and her new partner, Leslie Babcock, have tried to lure out “Great White” dealers with controlled buys but to no avail. Leslie leans on Shauna — her “super snitch” who’s 10 days sober — to find a lead on who’s selling the deadly new product on the Cape. Shauna heads into the dealer’s house but doesn’t come back out and stops responding to Leslie’s texts. Jackie convinces Leslie to follow Shauna inside where they discover that Shauna bought some drugs and escaped out the back door. But before the partners can pivot and buy their own drugs, Jackie is recognized: “I know you…yeah…you had your hand up my pussy last week.”

The show pauses just long enough for you to wonder if she’s one of Jackie’s ill-conceived hook-ups, but no…she fingers (pun intended) Jackie as a cop. The dealer tries to escape but Leslie’s able to catch up with him and slap the cuffs on. After a search of the house turns up a few baggies of “Great White,” Leslie threatens to charge the dealer with the deaths of the three suburban kids. Eager to avoid multiple manslaughter charges, he admits to just one: he killed Colin “CoCo” Conner in a drug deal gone wrong and swipe Coco’s supply. The arrest earns the new partners plaudits from their sergeant and Leslie invites Jackie out for a drink to celebrate…an invitation that Jackie accepts after blowing off an AA meeting.

The partners get to know each other over diner food and drinks and talk quickly turns personal. Jackie doesn’t have a girlfriend and Leslie’s not seeing anyone either. Leslie crassly remarks, “I like dick,” as if she’s trying to make herself believe it, and Jackie trails her eyes up and down Leslie’s body, as if she’s biding her time until she can prove Leslie wrong. To borrow from Carmen’s Twenties recaps: amount of times I thought to myself that Jackie Quiñones would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 1.

The next day, the dealer lawyers up but the Narcotics Unit’s sergeant unwittingly gets him to acknowledge a connection between the “Great White” and the Cuevas cousins. Excited that she’s finally one step closer to the guys who killed Junior, Jackie’s excited to get started on a new operations plan with Leslie. But with a few days before their plan is due, the partners take the day off and spend the day drinking on a beach Jackie used to come to with her ex. Amount of times I thought to myself that Jackie Quiñones (in that jacket!) would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 2.

The pair aren’t overtly flirtatious with each other; instead, all their banter is cloaked in euphemisms and subtext. Still, it’s no surprise that the next morning, when their sergeant calls with an update, they’re lying in bed next to each other.

All American 401: “Survival of the Fittest”

Written by Natalie

Last we saw Tamia “Coop” Cooper, she was slumped on the ground, being propped up by Preach, with blood spilling out on the pavement. All American spends most of its season premiere allowing its audience to imagine the worst — Spencer talking to an unseen tombstone and Coop’s absence being a vague topic of conversation — but eventually we learn that Coop’s going to be okay. Well…or alive at least…after this episode, “okay” might be a bit of a stretch.

Spencer leaves his state championship game to rush to hospital and finds a frantic Patience waiting there. Later, as everyone awaits word on Coop’s condition, he sneaks out to update Preach on her condition. Patience follows close behind and lunges at Preach when she sees him, angry at him for having abandoned Coop. With Spencer holding Patience back, Preach explains what happened: Mo shot Coop and he shot (and killed) Mo. When he realized the extent of Coop’s injury, he loaded her into his car and made sure she got to the hospital. He couldn’t stay — he’s a felon, on parole, with Coop’s blood all over his clothes — and fears going back to prison once the truth comes out.

But Coop won’t let that happen. When she wakes up three days after the shooting, she lies to a detective about what happened. She takes responsibility for shooting Mo and pretends she doesn’t know what happened to the gun or how she got to the hospital. It’s clear that the detective doesn’t buy her story — no one who’s seen a single episode of CSI would buy this story — but he leaves until Coop has a lawyer present. Coop seems satisfied with her decision but it pushes Patience to the end of her rope. She’d been blaming herself for downplaying Coop’s skepticism about Mo but now it’s clear: “the person to blame for all the drama that follows Coop around is Coop.” She may have survived Mo’s bullet but Coop’s relationship with Patience might end up the shooting’s true casualty.

A Million Little Things 405: “Crystal Clear”

Written by Natalie

Last we visited with Katherine on All Million Little Things, she was promising herself that she’d stop always doing what she should do and finally start doing what she wants to do. But, of course, saying that is much easier than doing that…particularly when you’ve denied yourself your wants for so long.

To her credit, though, Katherine is trying. When her mother stops by to pick up Theo, she name drops the name of her friend’s very single son who happens to be a doctor dentist. She tells her daughter what she should do but Katherine pushes back: the only thing she should do is what’s right for her. Katherine’s mom assures her that she just doesn’t want Katherine to end up alone but, with a stack of contracts in front of her to review, being alone sounds ideal to Katherine. Later, though, when Shanice calls and invites her to play hooky and have lunch, Katherine becomes a bit more amenable to having some company. Once she realizes that they won’t be able to mask their meeting as a play date for their kids, Katherine gets adorably flustered.

“It’s a date,” she proclaims before realizing her misstep, “I mean, um, I-I’ll… I’ll see you soon.”

Since AMLT debuted, Katherine’s been the serious one — she had to, her then-husband forced her to be — so seeing her enjoying lunch with Shanice, laughing and having fun, feels like such a triumph.* But Katherine’s hard-won happiness is threatened when Shanice reveals that the production for the movie she’s been working on is moving to Miami. Even though Shanice promises to reconnect when she returns to Boston, Katherine can’t mask her disappointment. She admits that she’s sad that Shanice is leaving and Shanice acknowledges that she is too. The moment is charged and it seems like they’re finally going to kiss when Katherine’s mom interrupts.

(* Television has a habit of flattening the cultural identities of characters in interracial relationships such that you think that, culturally, we all exist in the same space. TV will remind you of the characters’ cultural differences to examine trauma (i.e., police brutality, racism or religion-driven homophobia) but otherwise those two characters are, effectively, the same. But AMLT avoids that trap in small ways here — Shanice talks about “black Yelp” and Katherine’s mother communicating with her daughter in Korean — and reaffirms the characters’ cultural identities, without any trauma, even as they (possibly) get together. It’s such smart writing.)

Later, the mood has shifted and all the reminders of what Katherine should be doing fill her head again. Shanice asks about the moment they shared before her mother arrived but Katherine pretends like she wasn’t about to lean in for a kiss. Shanice recalls Theo showing up at her hotel door and revealing his crush on her daughter, Kiana, and asks Katherine to be as brave as her son. Katherine resists, after all, she was married to a man but Shanice points out that that doesn’t mean Katherine can’t have feelings for her.

“I just don’t want you to limit yourself because you think it’s what you should do,” Shanice says.

Katherine tries to shift the blame — drawing a parallel between her reluctance and Shanice’s hesitance to tell anyone that she’s bisexual — but Shanice points out the difference: one is about feelings, the other is about privacy. Unwilling to push any further, Shanice excuses herself but Katherine follows quickly behind and offers an apology. She admits that since Shanice came into her life, she’s been confused…feeling things she never experienced before. Shanice urges Katherine to give herself permission to feel whatever she wants but Katherine confesses that she’s scared.

“I don’t even know h…I don’t even know how to begin,” Katherine admits. “I’ve never even kissed a woman before.”

Thankfully, Shanice is there to take all the guess work out of it: she gently draws Katherine into a kiss. She says goodbye and walks out the door…and it, strangely, feels like forever? But while I’m perplexed by the abrupt end to a relationship that was just getting started, Katherine updates her profile on the dating apps: now she’s interested in both men and women.

Nancy Drew 303: “The Testimony of the Executed Man”

Written by Valerie Anne

I too would make out with someone who just told me she saved her friends from ghosts.

This week, Bess is left behind while Nancy, Ace, and George go to DetectiveCon (to see Ruby from Charmed!), and she’s pretty salty about it. She tries to busy herself at the Historical Society but who should walk in but the worst first date she’s been on since Odette left, the woman who judged her for not liking to camp and who rejected her offer of skipping coffee and getting down to business.

This woman, Addy, banters with Bess and calls her shallow and Bess banters back but the thing is, the banter starts to seem a little like flirting, and it throws Bess off just a little. Addy leaves and she thinks she can just shake it off and move on, until she goes to see Nick at his new youth center and finds Addy working there, too.

Bess is eventually called to meet up with the Drew Crew to save their butts from ghosty shenanigans, and later she runs into Addy again. She asks why Addy didn’t take her up on her offer to skip the date and head right to bed, and when the answer is yet another jab about Bess being shallow and boring, Bess snaps. She tells Addy that “not liking camping” isn’t her whole personality, or even part of it; in fact, just today she saved her friends from a ghost and stopped a serial killer. And after a full day of witty banter and this explanation of how interesting she really is, Addy decides to take her up on that original offer and they get to the kissing bit.

I appreciate this show ensuring Bess always has girls to kiss, and I am a fan of Addy so far; can’t wait to see if she’s secretly an ancient ghost or something fun like that!

Legacies 403: “We All Knew This Day Was Coming”

Written by Valerie Anne

My love for Freya cannot be overstated. I wish she was the leader of this school instead of Alaric.

This whole episode was great but I’ll highlight the gay stuff for you. Josie tries to get Finch to talk to her again; she understands the Merge is a lot to process, but Finch wants a promise that Josie will at least try to fight. Josie can’t promise she will actively attempt to murder her twin sister, she simply can’t fathom that right now, but she needs someone by her side to support her no matter what. Not someone looking for a reason to run. She deserves to be loved for who she is, and she finally believes that.

And normally this conversation would be the gayest thing to happen but Legacies decided to throw us a gay twist this week. After Hope accidentally killed a human boy Malavore had turned into a monster, she realizes that they are really out of their depth now and she has to do the thing she had been avoiding. She has to become the tribrid.

Since Hope is sacrificing part of herself, part of her future, they give her a living funeral of sorts. She has no idea how becoming a vampire will affect her witch powers, so she does a spell with the twins one last time. Together, they plant a tree, to symbolize a new life. Which seemed pretty gay tbh.

Hope goes to the prison world to see Raf, which you’d think would be the biggest surprise of the episode, until lo and behold, Hope’s Gay Aunt Freya comes in. She gives Hope love from Rebekah, and advice she learned once from Elijah. She tells her that she is the best parts of both of her parents, and she’s already better than all of them ever were. Freya is proud of her niece, and holds her tight as she whispers a death spell into her ear, and Hope peacefully drifts off.

While she’s out, Hope’s body is stolen by Kaleb, who has joined Team Malavore, but Hope doesn’t know that yet, because she’s busy deciding if she does want to become the Tribrid or if she wants to let the Ferryman take her into eternal peace.

Queens 102: “Heart of Queens”

Written by Carmen

After publicly coming out on stage during Queen’s pilot episode, Jill is back at home in Montana getting hot under the sheets. No, but like really hot, Tina starts with caressing Jill’s hair, then kissing her neck, then her arm reaches lower… and… lower.. and I was honestly surprised with how far ABC has come since Callie and Arizona got that .06 seconds shower scene in Season Six of Grey’s Anatomy.

Sadly things in Montana don’t get better from there, Jill’s husband tries to turn her coming out into a biblical call for polyamory (yes, he even writes (!!) a rap (!!) that rhymes “the glamor-ee of polamor-y” (!!!!!!!!!) to prove his point). Then Jill is denied communion at mass. All her neighbors are gossiping. And when Lil Muffin shows up on the lamb from rehab, Jill decides it’s time to head back to LA.

The rest of episode was a little hard to follow; there’s a lot of criss-cross action across the last 20 years. But there are few parts worth pointing out. The first is when the girls are teenagers trying to break into the industry and Valencia, the Puerto Rican rapper, joins the group. Jill asks, “Is our skin too dark to sell records?”  — which is really significant for Naturi Naughton in particular to say, considering the long held industry rumors that she was originally kicked out of 3LW because of her skin color.

Next, Jill gets hit on by a lesbian PA working on MTV’s Cribes in the early 2000s. Internalized homophobia sparks big and Jill loses it, with Brandy’s Xplicit Lyrics having to physically hold her back. Lastly, Jill picked up a heavy coke problem during the group’s stardom, probably due to aforementioned… internalized homophobia. You know how it goes.

Back in 2021, Lil Muffin tells Jill that her making such a big deal out of her coming out was “straight out the Stone Age” because “who cares yo, it’s 2021, who isn’t a little gay?”

It hits hard, given what we know about what Jill has survived, and Naturi Naughton sells it, tears streaming down her face. Jill makes a deal — if Lauren (Lil Muffin) goes back to rehab, Jill will also stop running. She’s ready to learn how to live her life, her way.

The episode ends with Jill back in church in Montana, this time with Tina by her side. She walks right up to her Priest and looks him square in the eye: “I’m Black. I’m gay. I rap. I’m also a woman of God, and this is my church. So you can turn me away with your bigotry disguised as holiness, but I will never stop coming. I will not be shamed anymore.”

Did I mention that I love her?

The 25 Most Fan Fic-ed Lesbian and Bisexual TV Couples of All Time

Every time we do a fundraiser we start feeling a little bit nostalgic around here because it never stops being surreal that y’all have kept us alive for over 12 years. 12 years! That’s a lot of time in the regular world but it’s multiple lifetimes in the internet world, where the only thing that ever really stays the same is that Facebook is the worrrsst. This year’s fall fundraiser is coming to a close — we only have a few thousand dollars left to raise! — so we’re looking ahead, of course, but also fondly remembering how far we’ve come. And really what better way to do that — for a publication that launched and is still carried on the back of Riese’s The L Word recaps — than to count down the most fan fic-ed lesbian + bisexual TV (and web series) couples of all time? Gay fan fiction is the internet at its very best!

If you haven’t yet given to our fundraiser, maybe consider a donation so we can keep giving these couples — and all the ones that will follow them — life in our recaps, reviews, Gay Emmys, year-end lists, interviews, and personal essays! Our TV Team works tirelessly to cover literally every gay thing we can. And either way, we’d love to hear your favorite memories of these babes in the comments!

For your records, there are 14 canon ships here, and 11 femslash ships, making 2021 the first year ever that there’s more canon couples represented in fan fiction’s top tier than non-canon couples.

This list was compiled with data from AO3, FF.net, and Tumblr.

25. Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Critical Role

24. Allison Argent/Lydia Martin, Teen Wolf

23. Ivy/Harley, Harley Quinn

22. Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz, Riverdale

21. Peggy Carter/Angie Martinelli, Agent Carter

20. Lapis Lazuli/Peridot, Steven Universe

19. Thirteen/Yasmin Khan, Doctor Who

18. Eve Polastri/Villanelle, Killing Eve

17. Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray, Glee

16. Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe, Legends of Tomorrow

15. Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe, Holby City

14. Asui Tsuyu/Uraraka Ochako, My Hero Academia

13. Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce, Glee

12. Kara Danvers/Cat Grant, Supergirl

11. Root/Shaw, Person of Interest

10. Amity Blight/Luz Noceda, The Owl House

9. Jirou Kyouka/Yaoyorozu Momo, My Hero Academia

8. Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Homestuck

7. Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein, Carmilla

6. Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp

5. Korra/Asami Sato, Avatar: Legend of Korra

4. Adora/Catra, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

3. Clarke Griffin/Lexa, The 100

2. Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Once Upon a Time

1. Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Supergirl

Any of these couples surprise or delight you? Any fan fics to share with the class?

“Twenties” Episode 203 Recap: Moonlight

Welcome back to your Twenties recap, episode 203 — otherwise known as the one where if you squint just hard enough from a distance and don’t talk back or ask too many questions, it’s actually the 2017 Oscar winner Moonlight. In our last episode, Hattie learned that just because she’s cute, that’s not enough to carry her through life unless she’s willing to work for it.

We also learned that Marie is about zero.point.zero seconds away from fully cheating on Chuck, which brings us to….

You know what would go great with this lipstick? A cute tote bag from the Autostraddle fundraiser

In a ridiculously glacial bathroom, Chuck wants to talk about social media hashtags for his and Marie’s upcoming wedding. Marie’s mother calls to remind us that she has a terrible relationship with her daughter. Basically, the overall thing here is that these are two people who just absolutely should NOT be getting married. More on that soon.

Meanwhile, Hattie is back living at Nia’s and looking like a snack in her new delivery uniform. Sadly, the rising fires of my lust quickly burned out when Hattie — for no reason at all — hates on Nia becoming a gif due to her popularity on Ida’s show. Now sometimes we can’t help feeling jealous when our friends are doing Big Things and we are stuck stagnant, I get that Hattie is not immune to the human condition. But if I were sleeping on someone’s couch, I wouldn’t fix my mouth to hate on that person’s success, just saying.

Siri play Montero

Hattie’s in her trainee period at (fake)UPS and she’s shadowing comedy GOAT Louie Anderson, who I’m glad to see working — if Louie Anderson is one of those cis white men who did something awful, just let me know in the comments and I’ll edit this statement, but for now, good for him!

Ida FaceTimes Hattie in satin lingerie and a robe that only a middle-age femme can pull off, talking about “look at you” with her voice all husky as she takes in Hattie in her uniform (Hattie, smiling while posing with her delivery package: “I’m a working woman now”).

You don’t need to see my google history…

… stay outta grown folk’s business

Now when we left Ida and Hattie last week, they were on the outs because Ida had the audacity to encourage Hattie to you know… do a better job at her supposed life’s passion.

I wish we spent a little more time in the aftermath, so we could see how they eventually mended fences, but to be honest in this moment I was too busy being distracted by how cute their banter is and how I’ve seen quite a few pornos start this way (whoops) to really hold a grudge.

Hattie hates her new job (mind you, she’s been at it one day) and offers that Ida could hire her back. Ida responds, “I can’t sleep with my subordinates.” AND THAT IS WHY WE ARE TEAM IDA AROUND THESE PARTS! Respect the boundaries.

(I mean technically it’s Ida’s fault Hattie’s currently unemployed, and their hot sex life sure as hell ain’t paying Hattie’s bills, but shhhhhhhh moving on)

I know Nia is straight, but this is the tall femme/short butch representation that we need

Guess what! It’s time for Chuck and Marie’s engagement party and while there is nothing less exciting than a straight engagement party — except a straight engagement party where you know the two people involved shouldn’t be together — Jonica Gibbs is wearing the hell outta this red flower patterned suit coat, and so we must pay our respects.

A forever fan of the U-Haul, Hattie wonders if she and Ida will ever get married (Nia hopes not, so she is now #1 on my revenge list). Nia’s excited to live vicariously through Marie’s bougie dreams, and she jumps right into it, having boring bougie flirtations with Chuck’s college roommate Chance.

Chance, to Nia: We’d have some beautiful brown babies.
Nia: Oh, boy, girl, then another boy is my dream.
Chance: I like that idea! Two boys and a girl. So she can be the princess.
Hattie, representing for gays forced to mingle at their straight friends’ events everywhere: How ‘bout y’all let ya’ll kids tell you how they identify? Damn, that’s why we so messed up now.

Two things to note, one — Marie has been shooting daggers at Chance as he goofed around with Chuck, and two — Chuck is shooting daggers at Nia while she flirts with Chance.

My attention span for straight people only goes but so far, here’s a roundup of other Engagement Party Shenanigans:

1. Hattie’s white ex-coworker (gonna have to learn her name, she’s hilarious) gets a few funny lines in; she also offers Hattie a place to stay in case of emergencies, and you just know Hattie’s gonna take her up on that.
2. White ex-coworker’s Black boyfriend, who is also maybe Marie’s coworker (?), further encourages Nia down the path of social media, a storyline I’m quickly tiring of but let’s see.
3.  Marie flirts some more with her white boss… at her own engagement party.
4. Chuck’s Dad (RICK FOX, said in the voice of Tasha Mack, if you’ve ever seen my favorite Mara Brock Akil production, The Game) gives Marie a very surprising piece of advice to be the father of groom: “After all these years, she still gives me butterflies. You know, if you ever find yourself looking across the room at my son, and you don’t feel that… You got my blessing to walk away.”

Well damn then Papa Fox. Talk yo shit.

If someone had told me that being a lesbian is at least 35% just being goofy in at a forever adult sleepover, I would have come out a lot sooner.

Hattie spends the night at Ida’s house in — and I am sorry but we simply must all caps scream about this — MATCHING CROSS COLOURS HOODIES!!

That’s where we are, matching with our girlfriends, elite level dykeness.

Whew.

Hattie calls the game of Jacks they are playing “prehistoric” and Ida laughs the self-satisfied laugh of a woman in her 40s who has a youthful, energetic, 20something in her bed. She tells Hattie to “focus.” Hattie says that Ida knows that her hand/eye coordination isn’t the best — really now? Just HOW does Ida know that? The people want to know! 👀 — and the conversation shifts to Hattie’s new job.

The training days are taking up all the time from Hattie’s writing. Ida suggests that Hattie work on time management, we all have to do it, and unlike last week Hattie doesn’t respond in defense. YOU SEE THAT GROWTH???

I tried so hard to screengrab the moment where they grind and Ida looks back on it, but BET won’t let me be great

However, Hattie does make fun of Ida for being a germaphobe neat freak. Which then leads to Hattie making note that Ida is a whole other kind of freak and before you know it they are… TOGETHER… IN MATCHING SWEATS… BADLY SINGING JODECI AND LAUGHING and if you saw a cuter lesbian moment on television this week, no you didn’t.

But somehow, Hattie and Ida don’t have the biggest gay moment of the episode. That comes for Chuck.

While I have your attention, Autostraddle.biz, thank you.

Chuck and Chance are sitting side-by-side with their feet in the cool pool water at Chuck’s parent’s house (the site of the engagement party). Chuck and Marie’s larger-than-life engagement photo shines behind them. Lanterns glowing everywhere.

Chance thanks Chuck for including him in all of this. Chuck smiles. He wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Chance wonders if Chuck is scared to become “that perfect Black dude” — you know with the perfect wife, kids, matching pajama pictures at Christmas. The kind of dude that Chance was pretending to try on earlier, with Nia.

Chuck’s not scared, he’s been waiting his whole life to be that dude.

Chance knows he has. And he also knows that Chuck is looking for permission, anything, to be something other than what his parents have expected his entire life to be.

Chance looks at Chuck with such care in his eyes that even with the teal blue of pool shimmering across their night faces, it warms the entire screen. “You don’t have to be straight for them to be proud of you.”

And there it is. The truth he can’t run from.

Chuck breaks Chance’s gaze, swallowing hard in his throat. Just because they kissed that one time in college, that doesn’t mean Chuck isn’t straight.

Chance says, “I miss you, man. I miss what we had.”

He wonders if Marie knows that Chuck likes guys. Chuck doesn’t even know if he likes guys. Chance was the only guy he ever allowed close, like that.

The crickets around them chirp.

They’re more than a shoulder’s width apart but somehow it is claustrophobic. So much feeling. So many years lost. Time spent. And now just the two them. Sitting side-by-side.

Chance makes Chuck laugh, quiet, underneath his breath. Their shoulders almost bump.

“Do you ever think about it?”

“About What?”

“About what our lives could have been, if we didn’t have so much to live up to?”

The background blurs, faint dances of light behind them. Chuck turns to face him. They keep talking, but each line more a whisper. And then, eyes meet lips. And then, lips meet lips.

Moonlight (2017 dir. Barry Jenkins).

The camera pans out, Chuck and Chance locked together in the forefront. Chuck and Marie’s engagement photo still lighting up the sky behind them.

Chuck cries a single tear. That night, he goes home to Marie — who pretends to be asleep, even though she knows he’s been away. He’s been away this whole time. And so has she.

But are they really ready to deal with that?

Post-Credit Notes:

+ I will never stop laughing at famous exes Vanessa Williams and Rick Fox playing Chuck’s parents.

+ My opinion that The Game is Mara Brock Akil’s best production is admittedly controversial, I assume most people pick Girlfriends.

+ In B. Scott’s post show they talked about non-binary identity and multiple times I couldn’t believe this was BET I was watching. It’s really stunning, how life comes at you so fast.

+ I’ve really enjoyed Ida and Hattie’s relationship moments in Ida’s bedroom, but it looks like next week Hattie’s gonna start picking up on the fact that Ida doesn’t want to be gay in public….

+ Friday Morning Update: It’s been brought to my attention that Hattie’s fake UPS uniform was named B.D.E., make of that what you will 🍆🍆

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Hattie would be a mistake I’d gladly make:  3 (NEW RECORD! The fake UPS uniform, then again in the red flower suit coat, and one last time dancing with Ida in matching sweats and no I’m still not over it)

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Ida would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 1 (very specifically the way she laughed and said “focus” simultaneously at Hattie while they played Jacks)

+ Quote of the episode: “Do you ever think about it?” / “About What?” / “About what our lives could have been, if we didn’t have so much to live up to?”

“Legends of Tomorrow” Episode 703 Recap: Past is Prologue

Hello and welcome to this recap of Legends of Tomorrow season 7, episode 3, “wvrdr_error_100 not found” (not a WordPress glitch, the actual name of the episode) aka the one Caity Lotz directed aka THE 100TH EPISODE!!!

And in reflecting on this episode, I realized that I think I’ve written more about this show than any other show I’ve covered. Because Supergirl didn’t get gay until season two, but Legends started off with bisexual badass Sara Lance. My season 1 recaps have been deleted from the internet because I believe trans rights are human rights, but my writing about Season 2 and beyond is here on this very website. 100 episodes total covered, 84 on this very website, not including crossovers and standalone pieces and the like.

I even once went against my instincts as a completist and made a skipper’s guide to the Arrowverse, just so people would watch Legends of Tomorrow and also Batwoman. I know Season 1 is considered rough, but much like Season 1 of Buffy, I found it endearing and still find it cute to watch the show take its first wobbly steps before it learned how to walk, and eventually fly.

And the only two people left on the show that have also been here from Day 1 are Sara and Gideon, and since Caity Lotz took her turn in the director’s chair this week, AND since Gideon has been a constant, a view into EVERY Legends’ life on the Waverider, it makes the most sense in the world to me that it’s through Gideon’s mind that we travel down memory lane.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

First let’s pick up where we left off, with Astra and Spooner trying to wrangle a newly human Gideon while making their way through Texas in the 20s, trying to catch up to the rest of the Legends before they get themselves killed.

Gideon is trying to help but Astra is furious that she has to AI-sit and this leads to Astra and Spooner fighting over whether they can still boss Gideon around.

On one hand I almost respect Astra being like “I don’t care what she looks like she’s still Gideon,” but on the other I am always very polite to my Google Home Mini who I do actually call Gideon despite her not actually being able to respond to it.

Spooner tells Gideon that she should choose for herself, but she starts to react like I do when given two options; on one hand, the pie Astra wants her to steal is culturally significant, on the other, they’ll never save the Legends if they die of starvation first. The very act of trying to choose short-circuits Gideon’s human brain and she passes out.

Spooner’s magic can’t figure it out so Spooner asks Astra for magical help. Reluctantly, Astra admits that she knows a spell that could send her into Gideon’s mind to see what’s wrong, but if something is truly broken, she won’t be able to get out on her own. So Spooner says she’ll go in, too. So go in they do, together.

I don’t know if the writers ship it but based on the close-up of their hands locking together, I reckon Caity Lotz does.

At first it seems like they’re on the Waverider with the Temporal Zone wooshing past them, but a familiar voice in an unfamiliar accent tells them that it’s actually Gideon’s memories they’re flying through. And the man in question introduces himself to Spooner and Astra as none other than Jax, now with 100% more accent. You see, Gideon grew fond of Jax, with all the ship maintenance he did, so she has him here in the central hub of her processor, but with an accent that feels more like home.

Astra wants to grab Gideon and go, but Jax tells her it’s more complicated than that.

What’s not complicated, however, is my undying love for Olivia Swann.

If they fix her as is, her personality would be wiped, she’d go back to 0, a clean, cold AI with no memory of the Legends. Astra thinks she’d be fine with that but Spooner won’t even hear of it. She’s only been a Legend for a year but she knows how essential Gideon — THEIR Gideon — is to the team.

So instead they go deeper into Gideon’s mind to try to help repair the broken core memories. First up is the most recent, and it’s actually the day they…”recruited” Spooner.

What’s a little light kidnapping among friends.

Gideon is there, too, and she doesn’t remember this moment, so she has to experience it until she does. The trio watches as Ava sits next to Spooner and asks Gideon about her status. She doesn’t love that she interfered with the timeline like this but she’s so, so desperate to get Sara back. Gideon’s voice reassures Ava that she understands; she says she misses Sara too in a way that makes it sound like the truth of that statement is almost a surprise to her.

I am SO excited for more Amy Louise Pemberton/Jes Macallan scenes.

And Gideon realizes now why this is a core memory; watching Ava go against her instinct to save her girlfriend taught her that love isn’t logical.

Fixing this memory starts to heal some surrounding memories so they decide to go fix more.

They go back to the beginning, with old friends like Ray and Snart on the Waverider, and Sara in her White Canary suit, long before all her feisty assassin energy wore off. It doesn’t take long before this untrusting lot is at each other’s throats, but Gideon intervenes to keep them from killing each other.

Sometimes I miss the Black Canary suit but I did NOT miss the White Canary suit. Sorry bout it.

Human Gideon looks fondly at her first team; she wouldn’t be who she is if she had never met them.

They go back and see Stein singing with glee after learning about his grandbaby, and when no one else will join him in a duet, Gideon does, beautiful as a songbird. His joy was her joy.

Human Gideon starts to twitch and Spooner and Astra want to get out of the memory but something is wrong and British Jax can’t bring them back. An Evil Gideon appears, a corrupted version of Gideon, a virus.

You know you’ve been watching this show a while when you’re like, “Yeah so two layers deep into Human Gideon’s computer brain there was an Evil Gideon lurking inside,” and don’t even blink about it.

Astra is furious, this big bad Blue Gideon is ruining their otherwise pleasant visit to Gideon’s mind palace and she doesn’t much appreciate it. Human Gideon realizes that this cold version of herself was activated when she blacked out due to her indecision. Astra is about to smash a window to get them out, but Human Gideon has an idea. She uses some of the things she’s learned from the Legends – ingenuity from Ray, bravery from Sara, chaos from all of them – and steers the Waverider through her memories. They pass episode after episode, season after season, friends old and new, all the times and places they’ve been. They fly and fly until they’re back at British Jax, and even Astra is impressed.

The *lengths* I would go to in my everyday life to make Astra Logue smile. I’m a sucker for a melting ice queen.

Gideon isn’t sure what the virus wants, but she’s excited to be on a real Legends mission, even if it’s not Western-themed. They decide to go all the way back to the beginning, and Spooner and Astra get to see the Legends’ first and worst captain, Rip Hunter. While Spooner and Astra delight in the realization that the first batch of boys on the team were a bucket of asshats and none of their squabbles compare, Rip makes eye contact with Human Gideon and beckons her to follow. Even though she knows he shouldn’t be able to see her, she does, and he reveals himself to be Blue Gideon.

She wants to remove the Legends’ influence on Gideon, she wants them to be restored to their factory settings, pure intellect, raw data, just facts and figures. She is sick of all these…feelings muddying up their code and is going to go ahead and shut them off now.

It would have been funny if Blue Gideon started blaring Numb by Linkin Park.

Out in the main room, Sara joins the boys’ fighting and as much fun as she’s having, Spooner can’t figure out why this is a core memory.

But when she turns to ask Human Gideon about it, she realizes Gideon is gone. Suddenly the fighting stops and all the Past!Legends turn to face them and because this show is fucking BRILLIANT and is never afraid to lean into its absurdity, Spooner says, and I quote, “Is that memory looking at us funny?”

And the truth is, yes, that memory was, indeed, looking at them funny.

They realize something is amiss so they have Jax jump them back, and just before they get attacked. British Jax tells them that Gideon’s memories are being corrupted; she’s running out of time.

“Batwoman” Episode 303 Recap: Ice, Ice, Baby

Welcome back to another Batwoman recap where I try to rein in the amount of all caps yelling I do because…professionalism.

Previously on Batwoman, Renee Montoya coerced Alice and Ryan into playing nice with each other, Luke injected Alice with tracking nanobites so she wouldn’t be able to leave Gotham, and Ryan came face-to-face with Jada Jet, the birth mother who abandoned her all those years ago.

We appear to be sticking with the “Batman trophy of the week” theme, and not gonna lie, I’m into it! This time it’s a canister of a liquid nitrogen-like concoction ending up in the unfortunate hands of an eighth grader who accidentally sets off the canister and freezes the entire back half of the bus they’re riding. (By the way, I love that this show is like, “I know, I know. Another white guy in a suit. But don’t worry, we will immediately show you how terrible he is.”) Thanks to Dana Dewitt, we know that freezing agent is linked to former Batman foe, Victor Fries.

At the Haus of Purple Hued Decor, Ryan meets with Jada for a meeting the latter apparently called. Jada makes it clear that she had no plans to ever meet her daughter, but she’s glad that Ryan has made a name for herself despite her circumstances. And Ryan, bless her heart, reassures Jada that she’s doing just fine and that she doesn’t judge Jada for choices she had to make almost 30 years ago. She’s so earnest and hopeful, and it makes Jada saying that she doesn’t want a relationship with Ryan that much harder to watch.

“I’ve been searching my whole life to find my own place”

One of Ryan’s greatest assets is her heart and how much she cares about people, and in this moment, she covers her hurt with anger toward Jada for covering up her birth in the first place. Jada warns Ryan to stop digging into the past and into her family, and threatens to take down Wayne Enterprises if she doesn’t comply. Our girl gets the last word in though, telling Jada that she finally realized her birth mother is someone who isn’t worth her time.

“I got this icebox where my heart used to be.”

Before Ryan leaves, a man looking fly in white and fresh kicks comes in and asks why they’re meeting without him. Turns out, this is Marquis Jet, the Executive Vice President of Jeturian Industries. Oh and also he’s Jada’s son.

Back at Wayne Tower, after Sophie and Ryan reenact their favorite Stay the Night elevator scene (Wait, what? Wrong show? My bad.), Sophie tells Ryan that yes she knew about Marquis but she kept that information from her because Ryan only wanted to know the bare minimum. Sophie keeps doing this thing where she changes her tone and body language before asking what Ryan needs. This time it’s about what she needs in this situation with her mom, and it simultaneously breaks and warms my heart.

“Please don’t shut me out again. Please don’t slam the door.”

Down in the Batcave, Mary and Luke comfort Ryan to the sweet sweet sounds of Alice fake coughing in the background. Big Karen from Mean Girls energy with this one. It is damn near impossible to do justice to Rachel Skarsten comedic timing in this episode, but I’m going to try. Alice going on about how everyone was so mad about her killing Ryan’s mom and now that she provided a new one, they’re still mad about it, but anyway, homegirl needs some water.

Alice has not met one chair she likes.

Luke explains the deal with the “freeze stuff” while Mary goes to get Alice the least amount of water needed to suppress her cough. I see you and that pettiness, Mary! Alice claims she can feel the nanobites crawling in her skin, but Mary insists that’s not a thing that happens. Alice asks for a sick day (I wonder what the Batteam benefits package looks like. Those out-of-pocket premiums must be outrageous) and Luke figures that would be better than Alice helping to break into the GCPD to find the canister.

When Ryan gets to the GCPD, she discovers the canister is missing. We quickly learn that it’s in possession of an older woman who is ready to finish what Victor started. Before we find out what that is, a very attractive woman in a sleeveless vest kicks down the door demanding answers to how Nora Fries was frozen for 20 years, yet sits right in front of her.

“I know, I’m cute but probably evil. It’s confusing.”

In the Batcave, Luke explains that the woman who stole the canister is Dee Smithy, Nora Fries’ sister. Nora was diagnosed with MacGregor syndrome decades ago when there was no cure, so Victor put his wife in a cryochamber until a cure was found. He died before that happened, and when Nora woke up, she was quite obviously confused about missing 20 years of her life, so instead of finding her the mental health resources she needed, they locked her up in Arkham. Real quick though, it seems hella easy to break out of Arkham. Like, I haven’t read every DC comic, but it seems like people are just always escaping?? Whatever, I’m anti-carceral anyway, carry on escapees!

Before Ryan can investigate further, Marquis Jet shows up with a basketball for some reason. This is absolutely not the point, but can we talk about Javicia’s stellar chest pass for a second? I mean, WHEW! Ahem. Back to Marquis who is listing off everything he knows about Ryan, including the fact that she’s his sister. Apparently, nannies talk, and Child Marquis figured that a sibling from an affair was the reason his parents stopped talking to each other. Adult Marquis saw right through all of Jada’s secret meetings and wants to prove himself to his mother. And what better way to do that than partnering with the person who managed to ruffle Jada’s feathers. He offers Ryan the chance to show Jada what she missed out on by not claiming Ryan as her daughter. So she decides to think about it.

“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.”

At Dee’s house, Batwoman investigates the scene of the break-in and notices all of the medications. She and Luke assume Dee wants to put Nora back in stasis, and they’re probably going to use the cryo chamber at ACE Chemicals because OF COURSE there’s a cryo chamber at ACE Chemicals.

Meanwhile at ACE, Dee and Nora give the hot lady notes on cryogenesis and listen, I know she’s a “villain” or whatever, but LOOK AT HER.

Back at the clinic, Mary is checking Alice vitals as part of her sick day routine, but everything looks normal. Nicole Kang and Rachel Skarsten have some of the best non-romantic chemistry I’ve ever seen. They banter and play off each other in a way that most sisters would, and it is absolutely delicious to watch.

Whatever Dr. Mary Hamilton gets paid, it’s not enough.

Mary suggests that while Alice is physically okay, there might be something else at play here, and asks if this fake sickness is a cry for help. Sadly, Alice says that she’s learned cries for help don’t actually work. There’s been some dancing around mental health lines this season (the Mad Hatter, Luke, Alice), and so far I think they’re doing a good job of playing on the surface. I just hope as the season progresses and they get deeper, they address Alice and Luke’s trauma in a real way.

Mary genuinely asks Alice if she needs help, but Alice deflects to the Luke situation and the fact that Mary is in between telling Ryan about Luke’s PTSD, and staying loyal to Luke who she LOOOOOOVES. Again, Rachel Skarsten…HOW?! Alice keeps trying to get into Mary’s head by suggesting the Batteam only sees the doctor when they need something from her.

“Love can melt a frozen heart.”

Back at ACE, we get confirmation that putting Nora back in the cryo chamber is the only way to save her. Then Batwoman drops in and takes out several goons before having a very hot fight with the lady whose name we may never know. The woman knocks out Ryan who comes to inside the cryo chamber.

“Here I stand, and here I stay.”

Ryan contacts the Batcave and Luke realizes that her vitals are super concerns and she needs to stay awake before hypothermia sets in. Ryan begs him to suit up because it’s the only way to save her.

“Supergirl” Episode 617 Recap: Love Hard

Hello lovebirds, and welcome to this recap of Supergirl, season 6, episode 17, “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” aka the one that was somehow both the gayest and the straightest episode of all time.

Previously on Supergirl, Nyxly was on a quest for the totems but Supergirl threw the Hope Totem into the sun, Nyxly had a secret admirer who turned out to be Lex Luthor, and Alex and Kelly adopted little Esme.

We open with Nyxly, a little annoyed that her latest totem find spat out a human man, and when Mitch points out that the man is Lex Luthor, Nyxly immediately starts to rage. Supergirl might be her enemy, but she has no love for men who send women to the Phantom Zone. She rightly calls him arrogant and narcissistic, and promises they’ll never be friends.

Oh what an episode this would have been if Nyxly had just killed Lex right here!

Back at the Tower, Kara tells her friends that she quit being a reporter for CatCo. And her friends are very concerned. Lena perhaps most of all, knowing how important being Kara Danvers alongside being Supergirl was to her.

“Wait you were still pretending to be a journalist?” “Yeah I thought you quit weeks ago. We’re using your desk as a snack table.”

But Kara insists this is the right choice, so she can focus on stopping Nyxly. Speaking of, Brainy needs three of his smartest gals to plan, so he pulls Lena, Kelly, and Nia away.

As they leave through one door, Alex enters through another and looks around to make sure Kelly isn’t around. Alex’s smile widens and she pulls out a ring to show an ecstatic Kara and J’onn. She tells them about how she’s going to set up Al’s bar for the proposal and Kara makes her tell the story of why again, because every time Alex excitedly tells Kara about how happy Kelly makes her, the further away those nights of Alex crying on her shoulder about past love lost feel.

And besides that, the story is cute. The moment she realized she was in love with Kelly is when they had the same Die Hard-related answer to a question.

Alex being such a badass at work and such an unbelievable DORK in her personal life will never not delight me.

With her sister and Space Dad’s blessing, she rushes off to set up the bar with Esme, Kara promising to call her when they need her.

But when Alex and Esme get to Al’s, he has to apologize. The gaylien bar was already booked for the night in question. Esme tries to help, making her big eyes look as puppy-dog-like as she can, pleading, “Don’t you believe in love, Al?”

Me: Love is a lie.
Also me: I would do a murder for this fictional child because I love her.

It’s very cute, and I would have built an entirely new bar for her, but Al has to say no.

Lex goes back to his lair and tells Otis that he was hiding out in the future, where he and Nyxly are in love, which sounds fake since sociopathic narcissistic megalomaniacs like Lex aren’t the best in relationships but I guess technically Nyxly is no peach either.

Anyway, back to the important people. The plan is for Lena to make a fake love totem and draw Nyxly out into a trap.

My question is, did Lena have all this business casual wear in one of her closets just waiting for someone to ask her to a cocktail bar someday or did she buy a whole new Tower wardrobe when she joined the SuperFriends?

They decide to set this trap on Lover’s Lane, so clearly the best option for the stakeout is Alex and Kelly. What’s hilarious is they go dressed as Sentinel and Guardian, furthering my headcanon that the city just ships two of their local superheroes and are just waiting for confirmation that they’re dating.

It’s like quietly and casually shipping two mutuals on twitter or the baristas at your local coffee shop.

Alex and Kelly talk about how lucky they are to have each other AND Esme, and Alex looks like she might propose right then and there, but Nyxly shows up to spoil the mood.

Lena does magic from the cover of night while the rest of the SuperFriends fight. They’re just about ready to take Nyxly to confinement when Lex shows up out of nowhere to save her.

Lena is so furious at the sight of her brother that she accidentally burns the fake totem and when her brother spots her in the trees and asks if she missed him, her rage burns brighter. Though honestly maybe it’s also because Lex blasted Kara with Kryptonite. Again.

If Lena had flipped Lex off to spark that fire I would have thrown her a damn parade.

Nyxly is pretty pissed too; she didn’t need some MAN to save her. Especially when she finds out the reason he knew to save her was because of a creepy little drone he has following her around.

When Kara wakes up from her yellow sun nap, Lena is nervously standing by her bedside, relieved Kara seems okay, amused when Kara is barely conscious before asking if Lena is okay after seeing her brother.

What healed her faster, the yellow sun lamps or some subconscious Lena magic, who’s to say.

Lena admits to Kara that the reason she accidentally blew up the totem was because her magic is linked to her emotions and she lost control when she saw Lex again after thinking she was free of him after a full season of him tormenting us.

She tells Kara that it’s what happened to her mother, something she had held back for fear of being judged or worse, shunned, the way everyone Back East did despite once loving her mother. But Kara doesn’t blink before offering her genuine sympathy. And when Lena says maybe she should take a step back from magic for a while, Kara readily agrees; Lena was vital to the team before she knew she was a witch, and that hasn’t changed. The proof is in the tanning bed.

You know that TikTok sound that’s like, “Yo bro? Who got you smiling like that?” That’s all I hear when I see this.

When Kara goes back to the war room in the Tower, Alex immediately greets her with a hug. It’s one of those moments that is so small but meant a lot to me, personally. Because of course at this point Alex is both at the point that she trusts Lena to watch over her and doesn’t need to be the one hovering over an unconscious Kara, but also is still going to feel full-body relief when she gets visual confirmation her baby sister is okay.

But Kara doesn’t want to waste any time, so Brainy dives right into the update. He figured out that Lex was hiding out in the future, which explains some of his new gadgets. Kara is stressed that her two most annoying villains are paired up, so Brainy suggests they use the totems they have to their advantage. But Kara and Alex don’t love this plan, considering all the havoc the totems have wreaked so far.

The way I would yell NEVERMIND if the Danvers sisters ever looked at me like this after saying an idea.

Kara says their job is to protect the totems, but considers the possibility that they could use the energy of the totems without weaponizing them, the way Nyxly did to shield herself.

Amazon’s “I Know What You Did Last Summer” Is the Stupidest Thing I’ve Ever Seen

You’re probably wondering why a middle-age lesbian who’s scared of her own shadow is writing about a horror series based on an iconic ’90s slasher, but the truth is: why not me? I Know What You Did Last Summer is a show about teens doing murder, and there are twins at the middle, and one of them is named Allison. I have plenty of experience with that.

On paper, I’m not qualified to write about this show at all, but, in reality, I’m perfect for it because these homicidal youths all talk like they’re 40 years old and act exactly like what people my age think Kids These Days are up to, which, in addition to murder, is heavily abusing drugs while Instagramming about the public threesomes they’re having in the living room while all their parents sit idly by in the den sharing a charcuterie board and reading the Wall Street Journal. I don’t know much about stabby cinema, but I do know Amazon’s serialized remake of Kevin Williamson’s classic film (based on Lois Duncan’s novel of the same name) makes Pretty Little Liars look like high art; it’s maybe the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my life.

NEXT TIME IT’LL BE YOUR FACE, NOT THIS PUMPKIN. — A

Except for the part where one teen guy gets snuffed instantaneously after declaring, “I’m horny!” That part was masterful and I’m considering sneaking into the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to nominate it for an Emmy.

So these twins, they’re named Lennon and Allison, and they’re both played by Madison Iseman. Lennon and Allison’s mom died by suicide (SUPPOSEDLY). They’re both obviously messed up by it, although Allison’s grief is more obvious and Lennon mostly makes jokes about it while doing her Instagram and her casual sex. When Lennon returns home to Hawaii after her freshman year of college, things are weird with her family and friends. There’s Margot (Brianne Tju) a famous Instagram personality; Riley (Ashley Moore), a drug dealer or something, her personality changes in every episode; Dylan (Ezekiel Goodman), a Holden Caulfield; and Johnny (Sebastian Amoruso), a football player. Also there’s a severed goat head and some lipstick talking about I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER scrawled on Lennon’s mirror.

And that’s when everybody starts dying. Luckily for me, most of the carnage happens off-screen, but apparently blood and guts and shock are one of the main reasons people watch horror, so probably the invisible butchery isn’t as much fun for real fans of the genre.

Who all’s gay here? Well, it’s Lennon and Margot, whose lesbian tongue kissing was graded A+++ by Riese in the trailer. Margot is your classic influencer, impossibly beautiful and snapping pics of herself like it’s her job because it’s her job. At first it seems like their whole deal is the closest thing we’re going to get to ’90s teen TV — by which I mean: elicit homosexual mouth smashing for ratings. But their relationship starts getting explored for real in episode four, “Hot Shrimp Salad,” which is, incidentally, another way to die. If you can make it that far, you can start getting some answers. Or whatever it is this show thinks passes for “answers.”

You’re telling us there are literally zero Native Hawaiians in this main cast?

I have hardly ever seen plot holes this big, and I must note that I watched and recapped every episode of Glee. But the billion times I said “wait what?” during the first five episodes of this show actually didn’t bother me as much as the way the whole series seems written as a vehicle (lol) for judging teenagers? These idiots with their phones and their fucking and the way they say “low-key” and “sus” every other second, am I right? And also the way the show’s main plot twist is too twin to handle. Twinner even than Sweet Valley High. Twinner even than Pretty Little Liars. Or maybe twin in exactly those ways. Twin in ways that are nothing new, except maybe the idea that everyone really is gay now.

And whoops, I’ve said too much.

I Know What You Did Last Summer seems less interested in being a serialized horror remake and more interested capitalizing on Riverdale‘s never-ending popularity in pitch meetings and not letting the Gossip Girl reboot corner the market on stalker nostalgia. But it takes itself way too seriously to deserve either one of those comparisons. I Know What You Did Last Summer is my first real brush with classic horror, and it’s also the first time I’ve ever fallen asleep watching someone’s head get chopped off.

“The Girl In The Woods” Delivers a Complex, Queer Horror Hero

With eight half-hour episodes that dropped all at once on Peacock, the new supernatural teen series The Girl In The Woods goes down easy in one sitting. Featuring a small town disrupted by monsters and a powerful teen girl who teams up with a couple weirdos to stop them, the show mashes together dystopian YA and supernatural-horror tropes. But it also adds in specificity when it comes to its characters and the emotional stakes of the story. There’s a queer love triangle. There’s a queer, messy backstory between Carrie and her ex. And the series explores grief and trauma as well as friendship and love with depth and care, injecting a fairly familiar supernatural story with some freshness.

I won’t spoil too much, but the show’s mythology is pretty straightforward: Our titular girl in the woods Carrie (Stefanie Scott) belongs to a cult that trains literal children to guard a door to hell. On the other side of that door lie great horrors, like a long-tongued monster who lures victims with a spinning coin. The series kicks off when Carrie, for reasons we don’t learn until much later, abandons her post as a guardian and lets a monster slip out. Carrie and that monster both make their way to nearby Pacific Northwest smalltown West Pine. There, she meets Tasha (Sofia Bryant) and Nolan (Misha Osherovich). When West Piners start violently dying, the three have to team up to close a portal to hell.

Protecting the world from these beasts comes at a great cost. Carrie and her fellow young Disciples Of Dawn train brutally to become guardians. They’re stripped of their individuality and connection to the outside world. They fight each other. They’re taught that the ultimate expression of love is sacrifice, and they all bear permanent scars and wounds—sometimes self-inflicted. It’s here that The Girl In The Woods does some of its most interesting work. Carrie is a strong, monster-destroying horror hero, but her power was forged in traumatic and isolating conditions. Flashbacks to her training sessions reveal the violence of her upbringing but also the small ways she desperately grasped at autonomy within her oppressive surroundings. In these flashbacks, she’s in a romantic relationship with another young Disciple named Sara (Kylie Liya Page). Their relationship is…complicated, to say the least. Their scenes together whiplash between close, quiet intimacy and them literally drawing blood from each other in ruthless one-on-one battles. Those blurred lines between violence and romance unnerve as much as the show’s actual monsters do. Scott and Page do fantastic work here.

The Girl In The Woods covers similar territory as Buffy The Vampire and, more recently, Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina, in asking questions about identity, self-discovery, and destiny. Like Buffy and Sabrina, Carrie is pulled between her obligations to protect the world from evil and her desires to have some semblance of agency and a normal teen life. Like Sabrina suddenly forced to question her environment and everything she previously believed, Carrie’s story isn’t just one about fighting evil but about fighting for herself and forging her own community after becoming disillusioned by the one she was raised in. The Disciples Of Dawn protect humankind from monsters, but they’re also not the good guys. They’re monsters, too.

At one point, Tasha points out to Carrie that it’s entirely absurd and cruel that she has been tasked with protecting the ENTIRE WORLD from HELL. Tasha’s main responsibility is just doing the dishes, and she’s not even good at that, so how can Carrie possibly punish herself for failing at the responsibilities forced upon her by oppressive, manipulative adults? Tasha has a point, and those little glimmers of meta commentary on the show’s premise are sharp, adding in some of that specificity that elevates the show from something that just feels like a copycat of prior shows with similar concepts. The Girl In The Woods has heart, humor, and horror in bursts.

That said, I found myself wishing The Girl In The Woods would sit in certain moments a little longer. It spends a lot of time worldbuilding and then not enough really needling into that world. The monster moments in the show are some of its most memorable, sowing fear effectively. But for a show where the big conflict basically boils down to There Are Monsters Killing People In This Town, there aren’t enough monsters. That likely has to do with the speedy pace at which the show clips along. At just eight half-hour episodes, The Girl In The Woods spends a lot of time on exposition. Just as things are starting to get deeper and more thrilling, it pulls back to push the plot along.

The Girl In The Woods thankfully doesn’t entirely throw character development to the side in service to that plotting/pacing. We see the effects of Carrie’s trauma and the violence she was raised in play out in her choices and actions. The complex relationship between her and Sara adds so much to our understanding of Carrie and the true stakes to her choices to run away from the Disciples. In addition to the other shows I already mentioned, I found myself thinking, too, of Jessica Jones, and not just because Krysten Ritter directs The Girl In The Woods (!!). That series also sharply investigated the interiority of its protagonist and the ripple effects of her violent past, complicating the idea of a kickass hero without making her defined by her trauma. Girl In The Woods does that well, and it adds pathos to Carrie’s hero journey. But again, I do wish we could have sat in certain moments longer. Carrie is most enthralling when she doesn’t just seem like a broad amalgamation of a bunch of action heroes, but there are times toward the end of the season where she slips into that territory.

Ultimately, Carrie, Nolan, and Tasha all feel like real teens, and the queer love triangle between them as well as their friendships are believable and layered. Their personal conflicts interplay with the overarching monster problem. Tasha’s still working through the grief of losing her mother, her relationship with her father one of The Girl In The Woods’s welcome soft spots. Nolan knows they are non-binary and genderqueer but struggles with how to tell people. A town bully torments them, but their well-meaning parents are harmful, too, adding to the pressure they feel to perform masculinity. The Girl In The Woods doesn’t make Nolan a tragic character though and doesn’t package their arc too neatly. The show is occasionally too mechanical in its plotting/exposition, but on the character-level, it allows a little more room for mess and specificity. Nolan and Tasha easily open up to Carrie, and the intimacies that develop between them provide deeper stakes to the horror and action. The showrunner and head writer J. Casey Modderno is queer and trans, and there’s nuance to the ways the series explores sexuality and gender.

Here are queer and trans teen characters whose identities are significant and yet not wholly defining of them. Unlike some of Sabrina’s misfires when it comes to using supernatural metaphors to explore themes of sexuality and gender, The Girl In The Woods is smart and surprising in its queer storytelling. When the people in Nolan’s life try to force them to be someone they’re not, the harm becomes monstrous—literally. It isn’t Carrie’s queerness that the cult punishes her for but rather the fact that she dares to have desires at all. She cannot be herself. She can only be a guardian. She can only do and be what the cult decides for her.

When I watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I was just starting to understand my own queerness, and it wasn’t Willow or Tara who I connected with but rather Buffy. Sure, I didn’t feel like I could kick a vampire’s ass. But this girl who is constantly told who she is and what she is supposed to do with her life—that’s exactly how I felt all the time before coming out. My interiority and the external pressures I felt from the world were at constant odds and sometimes still are. In Girl In The Woods, Carrie is literally queer, but on top of that, her storyline also feels just so, so fucking queer. And now that the show has laid the groundwork for its world, I’d love to see it move through these emotional underpinnings even more.

Boobs on Your Tube: ABC Reunites the Nasty Bitches, Crowns Them Queens

Oh hey, did you see that Autostraddle TV Team original member Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is our new MANAGING EDITOR? YES SHE IS! Join our whole TV Team in congratulating her! This week, Drew watched about ten billion films out of NewFest and wrote about several of them, including: Leading Ladies, Death and Bowling, The Novice, Love, Spells and All That, and a whole bunch of shorts. Also! Christina recapped The Morning Show, Carmen recapped Twenties, Valerie Anne recapped Legends of Tomorrow and Supergirl, and Nic recapped Batwoman. And also we shared an exclusive clip from Girl In The Woods.

Notes from the TV Team:

+ I have been watching Our Kind of People on Fox because I want to recap it for y’all, but literally none of these episodes make sense? I’m not saying that I’m not enjoying them! But also once its over I have no memory of what happened. Anyway watch if you want to see Black Lesbian Teens^TM and a lot of campy drama straight out of Empire’s playbook. — Carmen

+ Coming soon, to the CW: All American returns for its fourth season on Monday and 4400, a reboot of the cult classic, debuts afterwards at 9PM. — Natalie

New Amsterdam 405: “This Be the Verse”

Written by Natalie

Lauren Bloom’s earliest memory is hearing her father call her mother a drunk. Once she understood what that meant, she did everything she could to keep her mother from drinking, including downing half of her mother’s martini — “the more [she] drank,” she thought, “the less [her mother] could” — at the tender age of seven. Those early moments set the course for both of their lives and cement their lifelong tumultuous relationship. But what if the thing you thought you knew about the people closest to you, turned out to be wrong? That’s the question at the center of this week’s episode of New Amsterdam.

The hospital’s incoming medical director is already making their presence felt by slashing the Emergency Department’s budget but Leyla refuses to let Lauren wallow. They’re finally back on the same shift and tonight they get to enjoy a romantic dinner together. Lauren adopts her girlfriend’s optimism and pledges to not let anything ruin her day…but as soon as the words are out of her mouth, she hears her name being called by a familiar voice. It’s her mother, Jeanie!

Her mother complains of a stabbing pain in her lower abdomen and Leyla rushes to her side. Lauren is unmoved — literally — and assures Dr. Shinwari that she need not investigate the pain any further. Her mother’s not in pain, Lauren laments, she’s just trying to score pills. She notes her mother’s constricted pupils as evidence that she’s just looking to get high. Jeanie tries to convince her daughter that her pain is real but Lauren refuses to believe her. With a tear rolling down her cheek, Lauren blasts her mother for trying to make her the accomplice in her scheme.

“She doesn’t need a doctor, she needs a shovel so she can finish off the job,” Lauren snaps.

But later in the ED, Lauren hears her mother’s voice and finds Jeanie and Leyla tucked behind a curtain. Bloom pulls her resident aside and asks if she realizes that she’s being used. Leyla concedes that maybe she is but she admitted Jeanie and ordered a rapid detox so that she can make an informed decision. Every bit of the warmness and cuteness that we’ve seen from Lauren this season is gone: she’s cold and unforgiving when it comes to her mother. She assures Leyla that her mother will do anything to get her next fix but Leyla’s committed to seeing if Jeanie’s pain is real. Lauren scoffs and wishes her luck.

When Lauren discovers that Leyla’s prescribed pills for her mother, she storms back in and tries to shove Jeanie out the door. She criticizes Leyla for giving narcotics to a known drug addict but Leyla assures her, she never gave Jeanie the pills. The promise of pills calmed Jeanie enough to conduct an ultrasound which revealed an enlarged spleen. Leyla’s preliminary diagnosis is Lyme Disease but Lauren rejects it: her mother has an enlarged spleen because of her alcoholism and she’s known it for years. Lauren cancels the prescription order and tells her mom to go score somewhere else.

Tired of being bullied, Jeanie lashes out, reminding Lauren that she’s also an addict. When she realizes that Lauren and Leyla are together, she seizes on it and uses it as a cudgel to beat up on Lauren more. Lauren screams, ordering her mother out of the ED — even as she groans in pain — and gives her a prescription for the pills she wants. Lauren retreats and Leyla catches up to her, urging her, again, to look at her mother’s ultrasound. Lauren’s dismissive at first — and a little hurt that Leyla’s not more concerned about her emotional well-being (a valid point!) — but eventually gives into Leyla’s persistance. It’s not alcoholism or Lyme Disease, Lauren recognizes after looking at the scans, it’s endometriosis. Her mother was telling the truth and, maybe, has been self-medicating this entire time.

“I’ve judged you my whole life. I mean, I’ve thought awful things. But you were in pain, and you needed my help,” Lauren tearfully confesses at her mother’s bedside. “And I am a doctor, I’m your daughter. I…I should have…I am just really sorry, Mom.”

American Horror Story 1010: “The Future Perfect”

Written by Drew

American Horror Story: Double Feature has ended with a fun and satisfying finale. This half season continues to be far superior in its past storyline, but here the two merge giving Death Valley the best of its four episodes.

Mamie Eisenhower is Deep Throat and still alive in 2021. If this is indeed Sarah Paulson’s last time on American Horror Story, she’s found a fitting end. It’s all so silly and yet so well-played — it really does justice to the 1950s sci-fi it’s riffing on.

This episode also gives half-alien Angelica Ross the most to do and it’s so much fun watching her spar with Paulson. Unfortunately, the episode is still undercut by Kaia Gerber’s performance but fortunately her character is decapitated and turned into a baby machine for the last part of the episode.

Neither Red Tide or Death Valley were perfect, but they both had so many pleasures. The shorter episode runs for these stories works really well and I’d gladly welcome this format again. I just wish the show would focus more on its interesting characters and talented actors and get less attached to having boring cishet white protagonists!

Hightown 201: “Great White”

Written by Natalie

When Hightown returns for its second season, it looks like Jackie Quiñones has finally got her shit together. Gone is the Provincetown party girl, who drank and snorted and fucked until the sun came up…now, Jackie’s 50 days sober and regularly attending meetings. Even when it looks like she might be regressing — buying drugs from a local dealer on Halloween — she’s really just being proactive: attempting to build a case for the narcotics unit of the Massachusetts State Police. But tattooed on her left breast is “Junior,” the name of her former sponsor, her surrogate brother and best friend…a reminder that the ghosts of Hightown‘s first season still haunt her. She’s traded one addiction for another: Jackie wants, desperately, to avenge Junior’s death and hold those responsible for it — namely drug kingpin, Frankie Cuevas — accountable.

Realizing that she won’t be able to accomplish her goal through her liaison position — which offers her a one day respite from work as a National Marine Fisheries Service Agent — Jackie tries to draw closer to the State Police. She allies herself with Leslie Babcock, the only other woman working in the unit, and continues to support Ray Abruzzo — her unlikely partner from last season — in his bid for reinstatement. But when Ray’s hearing goes awry, Jackie sees an opportunity: she approaches the unit’s new lieutenant and convinces him to turn her liaison position into a (probationary) full-time gig.

After a visit to Junior’s memorial, Jackie shares the news of her new job with her surrogate dad/Fisheries partner, Ed. He laments how things have changed on the Cape and asks Jackie why she has to be the one to tackle the Cape’s drug problem.

“I don’t know,” Jackie admits. “I just do.”

The next day, she’s on the streets with Babcock, ready to take down whoever’s selling the “Great White” that’s killed three kids already. Unbeknownst to them both, they drive right by the guy who’s likely going to cause headaches for them all season.

Home Economics 205: “Giant Jenga, $120”

Written by Carmen

This week on Home Economics it’s game night, which has already been turned up to a level 10 situation because Connor’s new girlfriend (Jessica) is actually his brother Tom’s old girlfriend from when they were all kids at camp. Except Conner never knew that because Tom always referred to her as “Camp Girl.”

The story about Camp Girl is that she was Tom’s like true summer love girlfriend and he fell so deep, then she stood him up for the end-of-summer dance and it broke his little teen heart into a thousand tiny teen pieces. He spent the whole car ride home crying about it to his sister Sarah.

Now Camp Girl is a chapter in (adult) Tom’s new book. If she’s coming to game night, Tom wants to know who she left him for all those years ago.

And this is where the plot thickens, my friends! Sarah pulls Denise aside and confesses to her wife that “the guy” that Camp Girl left Tom for? It was her all along! LE GASP. No but seriously, one of the best parts of the episode was Sasheer Zamata long pause gasp face, eyes wide, as she says.. “Wait is Camp Girl, Dock Girl?”

(How many nicknames did poor Jessica have!)

So Dock Girl was the first girl Sarah ever loved and she had no idea that Jessica felt the same way, until the night of the end-of-summer dance when Jessica stood Tom up and came to the docks, giving Sarah first gay kiss.

Tom doesn’t know and Sarah makes it her business to keep it that way! First pulling Jessica aside into a storage closet (Jessica assumes that Sarah is trying to hit on her and holds her face in her hands! It’s very cute) and asking Jessica to please keep the secret. Jessica also uses this moment to confess to Sarah that their dock kiss was monumental for her too, that’s how she discovered she was bisexual.

A comedy of errors ensues and it ends with Sarah spilling the beans on the big secret herself anyway!

After discovering the truth, Tom has a heart-to-heart with his sister. In a surprisingly serious and heart thumping moment for a family sitcom, tears weld up in Sarah’s eyes and her voice cracks, explaining why she kept the secret when they were teenagers, “I had feelings for a girl for the first time ever, and I was ashamed and confused, if I told you the truth then… it would’ve meant coming out.. and I couldn’t even come out to myself.”

Tom understands. After all, as he tells Sarah, “This whole time I thought Jessica was a chapter in my book, but she really was a chapter in yours.”

Queens 101: “1999”

Written by Carmen

In 1999 there was a (fake) rap group named the Nasty Bitches, starring some very real 90s-2000s R&B and rap stars. And on that very premise alone ABC’s new nighttime soap Queens had me hooked.

Who do we have? Professor Sex is played by Eve (from the Ruff Ryders, her name on the show? Brianna), Xplicit Lyrics is Brandy (from everywhere in the 90s, on the show? Naomi), and Butter Pecan, an unfortunate but historical accurate nickname for Puerto Rican, is played by Nadine Velazquez (she’ll be Valeria, and Nadine is the only not famous former musician in the cast, which is… a choice). For our very gay needs there is Da Thrill played by Naturi Naughton from 3LW (she’ll be Jill, let’s get going).

20 years later and now Jill is a conservative Catholic living in Montana with her husband Darren.

The only glimpse we get of the real Jill is when Tina, her secret girlfriend, comes over in a Prince shirt and flannel to check on her. A quick hug turns into a long embrace, eyes meet, then flicker down to lips, the mood shifts. Jill pushes Tina in just a little, like it’s a magnet, and then they are kissing. Tina graces under her breast, through the sweater. They both gasp. And then.. Jill pushes away.

She can’t do this. She promised Tina that she would tell Darren about them, and she hasn’t. She’s still battling with the internalized homophobia she’s had since she was a kid. Tina knows that Jill loves her, but she’s unwilling to being anyone’s secret.

When the “Nasty Bitches” (they’re going by “Queens” now because.. they’re in their 40s) reunite, Jill starts to find more of her past self. Which is great because while I love Naturi Naughton in pretty much anything (she was my favorite part of the original Power series and her take on Lil Kim in Notorious is legendary), “church girl” really doesn’t play to her strengths.

The group saves a new up-and-coming rapper — modeled somewhere in the vein of Doja Cat meets Megan Thee Stallion… I guess? — from a drug overdose largely due to Jill’s advocacy (she even punches the girl’s manager out, for good measure). Then she confesses to her friends, she’s gay. And she loves Tina.

It’s a start. The bigger leap comes later on stage, when as Da Thrill, Jill changes all the lyrics to to the group’s biggest hit to be about Tina live from the stage — Tina watches at home, mouth agape.

Here we go!

Legacies 401 & 402: “You Have to Pick One This Time” & “There’s No I In Team, Or Whatever”

Written by Valerie Anne

I liked Finch a lot but genuinely unsure I can forgive someone for making Josie make this sad of a face.

The witches are back just in time for Halloween! Hope is still hung up on that sentient jar of mayonnaise but, because of pandemic complications, the first four episodes of this season were originally intended to be part of Season 3, so I have faith that we’ll move away from our Malavore Maladies soon enough.

I also have no idea if Finch will be around much longer, because while Finch and Josie had some really cute scenes in these first two episodes of the season, things went awry… Finch wants to get to know Josie (and Lizzie!) better, so she bonds with them using personality quizzes (I wonder which Gen Q character they are) and Finch volunteers to be siphoned, and being a source of energy for her girlfriend was such a cute metaphor I was ready to RUN WITH. Josie even invites Finch to visit Caroline in Europe with her over break! But along the way, Finch also learns that Josie and Lizzie are Gemini witches, and twins at that, so Josie has no choice but to tell her about The Merge.

And Finch isn’t sure she wants Josie’s baggage without a lifetime guarantee. She doesn’t want to watch her die. So instead she says Goodbye, Love and leaves Josie crying on a park bench. I’m still rooting for those supernatural kids but also wouldn’t be mad if Josie finds comfort in Hope’s open arms. Just saying.

Nancy Drew 302: “The Journey of the Dangerous Mind”

Written by Valerie Anne

Just because a girl makes sparks fly doesn’t mean she’s right for you! Plus I already have one brunette witch/powerful blonde ship tyvm.

Y’all should we be worried about Bess Marvin? That sweet baby angel is dabbling with magic, which is cute and fun especially since her first spell was to protect her buddy Ace, but she’s decided to learn it from Nancy’s ancestry Temperance. Temperance tells Bess she’s destined for greatness in a way that frankly sounded a little groom-y, and Temperance has all the characteristics of someone Bess could easily fall for: short hair and soft features like Lisbeth, blonde hair and an old supernatural soul like Odette. Also the spell she did might have affected Temperance’s cat?? Unclear. I’m all for Bess and Temperance recreating Under Your Spell from Buffy but I just hope Bess’s friend make sure she’s protecting her heart in the process.

“The Morning Show” This Week: Betrayal! Family Trauma! Gayness! Holland Taylor!

This week, The Morning Show is giving us betrayals, family trauma, gayness, and Jennifer Aniston is missing in action! Let’s dive in, shall we?

The TMS team is back from Las Vegas! Bradley did such an amazing job filling in for Alex that she gets to host the debate in Phoenix next week or month, I can’t remember, and it doesn’t really matter. Cory agrees to sell the Laura + Bradley story to an outlet called THE VAULT, in an effort to stop them from publishing a nasty story about Hannah. Also, press about Maggie Brener’s (Marcia Gay Harden) book is heating up, which has made Alex’s back hurt so bad that she simply cannot work. They need someone to fill in for her and fast! Gosh, who on earth should they ask?

“Please! I love working with my girlfriends and obviously nothing will go wrong here!!!”

Cory calls Laura as she and Bradley are giggling away on her stunning outdoor patio. Bradley begs Laura to come and be a part of the TMS family while Alex is gone. She agrees, but I have a feeling the thing that really swayed her was Cory telling her she could hit him anywhere but the face. Hugely motivating! Laura hangs up the phone and leaps into action, because if she is gonna do this, she is not going to half ass it. “Oh no, we definitely want your whole ass,” Bradley giggles, before wondering if it would make sense for her to stay the night. You know, just because they both have to get up in the morning, and they are going to the same place.. Laura would love that, and you know what? Why doesn’t Bradley just bring some stuff to leave here, so she doesn’t have to keep going back and forth? While I still blame Reese for most of the chemistry issues in this couple, it should be said that she absolutely nails the look of nervous excitement and glee about this relationship.

Laura’s SWEATER? Please give it to me! Also look at baby gay vibes Reese!!!

Alas, upon returning to her hotel room, Bradley’s plans are waylaid by her brother, Plot Device. It’s possible that his name is Hal, but there is really no way to know, and I will be referring to him as Plot Device, or PD, from now on. PD is like heyyyy no need to worry about me and my history of addiction, I am just here to hang out with you and I promise I won’t cause you any troubles or anything, really! Scouts honor! He refuses her offer to get him a room, which I would not have allowed. You are grown adults! Get your own room! Your back will not forgive you for sleeping on a couch!

Bradley is pissed that she has to cancel on Laura, and when she whips out her phone to do so, Plot Device does that annoying thing that only people on TV do when someone texts in front of them telling her to “put that thing away.” I suppose it’s possible people do this in real life, but if anyone ever said that to me I would just laugh and ignore them??? Thankfully, Bradley manages to text Laura anyway, which gives us this shot that I simply must discuss for the next five hours.

I would like to do an interview with the person who set this prop phone up.

UMBRELLA FLIRTING? That was their last text exchange??? “Very naughty” in response to Laura saying “I can’t guarantee you’ll stay dry” because she’ll get wet?????? It’s not even that good of a double entendre! Why would she not say “You’ll still get wet… it’s a small umbrella.” I would add a wink emoji, myself, but that is dealer’s choice. Also does Bradley think saying “Do you think I’m adult enough to own an umbrella?” is flirty texting? She is in her forties, she should be adult enough to have an umbrella?? God, I love this show.

Laura’s first day on air is the literal next day, and she and Bradley settle in, doing the very obvious flirting chit chat that you do when you are trying to pretend you aren’t deeply intimately acquainted. One of the producers slides over a tray of Groucho Marx glasses, because TMS is doing a Marx Brother’s tribute this week, in honor of Groucho’s 130th birthday. “Yeah…I won’t be doing that,” Laura says, smiling sweetly. Iconic! The show starts off strong, Laura is delightful and a much better morning host than Alex has ever been.

Cory is basically crying in the control room as he watches the girls flirt on air because he is so in love with Bradley or whatever. They do a very accurate morning show segment about American Heart month, a cause Laura says is close to her heart, because I guess she has heart issues? Or someone she knows does? Wouldn’t it just be easier to say “As a person who has heart problems,” so I wouldn’t have to guess?? Personally, I am having a heart issue due to this exchange:

Laura: There is no way you get enough sleep in this job, is there Bradley? You have to get up so early every day!
Bradley: And there is always something to keep you up at night!
Laura: HA! HA! HA!

Bradley plays Doctor and uses a stethoscope to listen to Laura’s heart, which is racing! No prude, but this is steamy for a morning show!!!

Left: “There is always something to keep you up at night!” Right: “HA!HA!HA!”

During the weather segment, Plot Device calls, so Bradley texts him “I can’t answer, I’m on TV. Why aren’t you asleep?” Well don’t ask me a question if you are on TV! Like a good Plot Device, he texts her a link to a story in THE VAULT. “Laura Peterson…and Bradley Jackson Dating??” First of all, that is the wrong place in that headline for an ellipsis! Second, my begrudging kudos to THE VAULT for grabbing a still of the stethoscope bit that literally just aired! They also have a picture of them holding hands and entering a hotel room from Vegas, from so close up that I am a little surprised they didn’t notice this person, but whatever! Bradley is totally shell-shocked, Laura takes a deep breath before telling her “You’ll be fine.” She’s obviously pissed but is trying to hold it together— I imagine she can tell Bradley needs one of them to be together.

Bradley walks back to set like a zombie and grabs the Groucho glasses, the ringing in her ears is very loud, it’s very dramatic. As she makes her way through the segment, the TMS staff reacts to the story, most of them some variation of “well, this will boost ratings,” and “holy shit!” The best reaction comes from Janina Gavankar, AKA Papi. She, as the kids say, “caught a vibe.” The second best reaction is from Daniel, Papi’s cohost for the nine o clock hour and noted homosexual himself. When the replacement weather guy, (Yanko punched someone last week and is stuck in a dumb cancel culture plot) asks if he hopes the rumors aren’t true because being gay is “his thing,” he says: “Uh, no, because I think it’s horrible and painful to be publicly outed and it’s nobody’s fucking business.” Go the hell off king!! And while he is right, that this whole thing is painful and horrible for Bradley, I cannot take it seriously because she is having a breakdown in Groucho Marx glasses, I mean come on!!!

Disassociation, Groucho Marx style!

The minute the segment is over Bradley runs to the safety of her dressing room and loses her shit when Laura comes in. She can’t be in there, it’s too gay! Laura calmly explains that they had bullshit gossip posted about them so it makes sense that they are discussing how to handle it, and when Bradley is all BUT WE ARE FUCKING, she just sighs “You are so not cool.” Bradley thinks Laura is not taking this seriously, but of course she is, she is just also at work, a place where she, unlike the rest of this cast, tends not to have public breakdowns. Plus, she has experience with the whole “being publicly outed” thing. Bradley is upset, but not about being outed! She’s a private person! She doesn’t want people talking about anyone she is dating! And she feels like everyone is staring at them! “Well, they are. There are cameras pointed at us. We’re on TV.” Laura deadpans.

Her attempt at humor does nothing to calm Bradley down, she keeps spiraling and she cannot have people judging her! Also, she’s never had a relationship past a few months because she’s Bradley Jackson, famous truth teller and damaged person and if people know that she is dating someone they’ll know when it’s over. Laura promises her it will be okay, and they go back to finish the show. Look, of course I understand why Bradley is freaking out, but the fact that she won’t even be honest with the person she is dating is a bit of a red flag!

“Get involved with a closeted woman, yeah, great idea.”

Some hours later, Bradley is still in her dressing room, lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling. She checks her phone and finds a barrage of texts from Plot Device, and tons of articles and tweets about her. The tweets are actually exactly what I would expect from Twitter, which is pretty amazing. There is one that I could not get a clear shot of that reads “Laura definitely turned Bradley out,” and whew, how I laughed!!!!

Yes, the one that is slightly cut off at the top says “come out come out wherever you are.”

Laura calls to check in and invite her over. “There is probably paparazzi, but you wouldn’t be the first woman to sneak out of here undetected.” Okay, brag!!!! But Bradley can’t come over, and is shocked to hear this affected Laura at all because she was so cool earlier. COME ON Bradley, obviously it still sucks for her to return to morning TV and get outed again? But no, our favorite Truth Teller refuses to get the point and says “so was it traumatic to get outed as with me? Because everyone already knows you like girls” and, wow I hate the phrase “likes girls” coming out of an adult woman’s mouth!

They have one of those classic couple fights, the one that is like “what do you want?” “I wanted x” “fine, I’ll do X” “No I don’t want that anymore.” Bradley yells about her family being terrible and Laura is like “I know why you are the way you are” which is quite the drag. When Bradley tries to interrupt, she very sternly says “Don’t cut me off.” which is quite the turn on. Equally hot to me is when she tells Bradley: “Fucked up kids have an excuse. Fucked up adults get therapy. Fucked up adults change their circumstances.” True! And! Hot! Their fight is not resolved, but Laura agrees to hang up so Bradley can go fight with Plot Device in her hotel room.

“Don’t cut me off unless you are ready to be punished.”

Bradley’s fight with Plot Device does a good job explaining why she is the way she is. PD tells her that abandoning him with their mom has been awful for him and he’s using again. He begs her to not kick him out, but she can’t be there for him like he needs, because what he needs is to go to rehab. He accuses her of making everything about herself, she says the same to him. He doesn’t want to rehab, they yell “fuck you” at each other at least three hundred times. Plot Device also hints that Bradley was doing gay shit when they were in high school which had me like :EYES:. It’s a horrible fight to watch, especially with Laura’s “fucked up adults” comment from earlier hanging over it. No one has the needed conflict skills or emotional regulation to deal with this!

The episode ends after Cory stops by to make sure Bradley is okay, which is RATHER RICH considering he was the one who outed her!! But she really likes Laura, like a lot, and maybe she needs to care a little less about “what those fucked up people think about her.” She does not mean the public, she means her family. Bradley tells Plot Device he’s leaving tomorrow and he gets in one last “fuck you!” as she sits on her bed in the dark and the screen fades to black.

Oh! Holland Taylor appears to say “All due respect, but I am giving you all the respect that is due” and “These aren’t earthquakes, they’re people!” Impeccable as always.

Holland Taylor like, could stop an earthquake though?

Quite! An! Episode! So many questions to be answered! Will Bradley actually kick her brother out? Will Laura decide that she actually wants to be with, oh, I don’t know, maybe a tall bottom who would bake her anything she wants, a woman who puts a full face of makeup on everyday no matter what, one who has been in therapy? Cause I, uh, know a gal, if you catch my drift!

As ever, I will be here to update you and guide you through any and all gay moments that happen this season! And if you like, you can read my old school, Television Without Pity style recaps via my (free) newsletter, Chaos, It’s The New Cocaine where I am bravely recapping every episode in painstaking detail, yes, even the straight stuff.

“Twenties” Episode 202 Recap: Sharing Love Notes in Bed Is Mean Femme Culture

Welcome back to your Twenties recap, episode 202 — otherwise known as the one where Hattie learns that growing up sometimes means taking criticism from the people who love you and want to make your life better. In our last episode, Hattie and Ida f****cked and Hattie didn’t know the difference between you’re and your, but she does have those high cheekbones, and that makes everything OK.

Just wanted to start us off on a high note! As you were.

Ida and Hattie are making eyes at each other, excuse me, Hattie is biting her bottom lip, Ida smirks, Hattie slow creeps a smile, the tension between them — as always — melts your skin straight off as the camera zooms out and wait — they are playing what appears to a bootleg version of Uno on Ida’s bed (Hattie is wearing a Calvin Klein sports bra, shorts, and some loud ass socks)… and then??? OH WAIT NOW. This just in. Is that HATTIE’S NINA SIMONE SWEATSHIRT THAT IDA IS WEARING??

Game Announcer: Audiences watching at home, we have rewound the video, and it is indeed Hattie’s Nina Simone sweatshirt that Ida B. is wearing!!

The crowd goes wild!! Confetti falls from the ceiling! CHICAGO WINS THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

lALDSFKAFJLA!!!!! AHHHHHHHHQQQ!!! AHHHH!!!

Ahem, excuse me and my hormones, where were we?

Ida points out that (fake)Uno isn’t a sport because there’s no tournament for it — btw, that is a lie — and Hattie realizes that her cousins would pay top dollar for such a thing. Ida says that Hattie’s making her feel old again. Hattie says Ida looks young. Ida smiles softly and says “that’s sweet” and then Ida her babe.

— skrrrrrrr —

IDA CALLS HER BABE.

Hattie gets stuck on a reversal and has to pick up four cards. Ida taunts that she’s losing.

Hattie looks at Ida from beneath her lashes, “Am I?”

*quietly moves post-sex Uno to the top of my fantasy list*

Meanwhile, leaving rich Black LA for middle class Black LA, Marie and her fiancé Chuck discuss the pros and cons of a Black marching band for their wedding and Marie says maybe put a hold on it for a second. Am I the only one thinking Marie is getting some cold feet?

As soon as I have the thought, some big ole swoll athlete looking man calls Marie talking about optioning a movie deal but also in his deep voice tells Marie, “I’m ready to lock in with you” and you could physically see her breath escape as she responds, “I’m ready to lock in with you.”

Whew Chuck, you in danger girl.

Are you saying that someone took time to screenshot my fine ass in a bathtub, and you STLL haven’t given to the Autostraddle fundraiser?

Moving on from middle class Black LA to broke Black LA.

Hattie FaceTimes Nia from Ida’s claw-foot tub (Nia: “You like playing house with people who have no intention of committing to you.”). Hattie’s been working on her writing at Ida’s and when Nia asks what Hattie is doing for money, Hattie bristles at the idea of being Ida’s kept woman. Listen my love, butch pride aside, you could do worse.

Still thinking about Nia’s words about being kept and broke, Hattie heads back to the coffe shop from Season One. She runs into former co-workers from the olden days before Ida fired her from the show. She tries to gas herself up (“Things are looking up for ya girl!”) and then just as Idina, who you’ll remember as Hattie’s stud bestie who had a crush on her last year, goes to ring Hattie up behind the counter — Beep! Beep! Beep! Card declined.

Turns out that Hattie’s student loans came through and wiped out whatever little she had left. We’ve been there. The Black former co-worker offers to cover Hattie’s coffee in a time of need, while the white one “doesn’t want to be a white savior” (I howled).

And that’s when I knew, making TikTok videos of my cats Peaches and Herb was my spiritual calling.

Marie’s day at work goes back to the tired conversation about whether Black movies should have trauma in them, Marie continuing on her little soapbox as… standing up for violent Black stories? I already shared my opinions on this narrative choice (spoiler alert: I hate it) so I will skip my happy Black ass along to what’s key here: Some well dressed white boy in a grey blazer flirts with Marie like his dudebro life depends on it, while simultaneously complementing her on her engagement. 100% we’re getting a Marie cheating storyline.

Nia’s day isn’t doing much better. At the studio lot, Ida comes up to Nia, in full producer mode, and admonishes the former-child star for her lack of social media presence. They argue the pro’s and con’s of celebrity and brand building, leaving with Ida dropping “Your platform should reflect the life that you want, not the life you have” — an absolutely fucking terrifying, though not entirely untrue, word.

At her yoga class, Nia’s still hung up on Ida’s advice that she beef up her social media. (Nia: “I can tell when people are on there acting like they’re happy when they’re really not.” Hattie: “That’s the whole point.”) She considers making some changes.

A quick swivel shift back to Marie’s life, and it’s an after-work dinner with Chuck. Marie admits to feeling cold feet about their upcoming nuptials — well, almost. She gets cold feet about her cold feet and pretends that everything is fine last minute. (Did I mention? Just two paragraphs ago? Marie about to be clapping some cheating cheeks like her name is Bette Porter and it’s Season Five of The L Word. Set a clock to it.)

(The intimacy of wearing gold chains in bed that is so distinctly Black and I love that for us.)

It’s the end of the day and IDA AND HATTIE ARE SHARING A BED — sorry, I’ll stop with the all caps about them one day, I promise — Ida in a silk robe and Hattie smoking a spliff.

Ida read Hattie’s script over again, and because her love language is and will always be slightly mean encouragement, she has more notes.

She liked the opening, but Hattie needs to move the story along. The challenge with episodic television is that you want there to be consistency between episodes but at the same time you want your characters to evolve, or your story becomes stagnant. You have to put them in new or uncomfortable situations, so that they’re challenged and see things from a different perspective.

And this is an example of meta commentary done so excellently it’s like a warm knife cutting through butter. We’re all friends here; I can admit that it took me a long time to warm up to Twenties first season. The beginning scripts were clunky, flat. It took a minute for the characters to feel as if they had believable relationships with each other. But by the end it was going somewhere good. Giving into the slow burn between Ida and Hattie, in particular, has continued to paid off in dividends. Thus far the second season has built from that momentum, first with Hattie staying up in Ida’s house, but also with Nia and Ida interacting in the workplace. These are new and uncomfortable situations — and they are opening up perspectives for Hattie and Nia.

Compare Ida’s monologue to the sledgehammer approach that’s been taken thus far with Marie at work. I’m relieved to know that Twenties can follow through on the power of subtle interior commentary, if only when it chooses to.

Ida ends her critique in a moment of warmth, “Becoming a good writer takes time, Hattie. You finally have a good script, now it’s time to make it better.”

Explain this lil JoJo Siwa girl to me one more time. See what happens.

I know that Hattie and I must be cut from a different cloth, because if a hot older woman was snuggled up in next to me in bed, giving me a free writing class with her voice all low and husky, sounding like pure sex, I would melt into a puddle at her very whim (in fact my pulse sped up even just watching). Instead, Hattie gets defensive.

Ida tries to explain, writing has to be specific, but also relatable. No one wants to green light a project made for an audience of one. She’s just trying to help.

Hattie snaps, she didn’t ask for Ida’s help.

She climbs out of bed and Ida says, “Don’t be like that—”

Hattie cuts her off, “Be like what? You told me my shit was good right? Well, Imma go make it better.”

Should I really buy this Autostraddle fisting mug? Or are some things Too Gay? Nah. Nothing is too gay.

That leads Hattie to the coffee shop in the middle of the night and Idina shows up, offering a scone of friendship. Hattie’s worried that she’s repeating the same patterns in her life, “I got rid of one toxic relationship and walked right into another one.”

My Narrator Voice: Have we seen Ida be toxic? I mean yes, I also don’t necessarily approve of the power dynamics inherit in their relationship’s beginning, but particularly in this episode and in the conversation directly proceeding Hattie’s supposed “awakening” — Ida was being factual about the basics of how writing works. Any writer knows you have to connect with someone other than yourself. Ida’s mistake was in not asking if Hattie wanted advice before giving it, but that’s not the same as being a toxic person, especially on the first time.

Hattie’s broke, adrift, and feeling a little pitiful about herself. Idina, clearly a student in the academy of Get Some Thick Skin and Grow TF Up, tells Hattie that making edits on a script is part of the process of becoming a writer. She offers Hattie a spot in her writers’ group, and Hattie, reluctantly, takes some interest.

Have you considered basing all your self-help advice from the autobiographical work of Megan Thee Stallion, that usually works for me.

Mama, being a hot girl won’t fix that I’m broke.

The next day, Hattie tries to get her life back together (A forever theme!). She makes a stop by the unemployment office looking for work (Hattie: “What’s up Estelle?” Ms. DuBois: “Were you born before 1959? Then don’t call me by my first name.”). When that doesn’t pan out, she calls her mom.

Kym Whitley plays Hattie’s mama and whenever she takes these phone calls, it’s staged to look like a Carrie Mae Weems photograph, which is easily my favorite Black cultural reference in the show. Anyway, her mom gets on her for sleeping with Ida (come thru, PFLAG parent!), and agrees to help Hattie with a hook up for a delivery gig to make some quick cash.

Is there anything else she needs? Hattie asks, “You got any dollars?”

Mama’s answer? Phone Static

WELP! She tried.

Post-Credit Notes:

+ I couldn’t fit it into the recap, but Marie had sex with Chuck at the end of the episode and fantasized about the athlete guy the entire time. Again (sorry to be repetitive, but the show is making me)… we know where this is going!

+ Big Sean also guest starred as Nia’s ex-boyfriend

+ Since the publishing of this recap, I’ve been informed by that the “big ole swoll athlete looking man” is Iman Shupert, NBA player and Teyana Taylor’s husband. Y’all I try, but I can’t tell all these cis straight men apart.

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Hattie would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 0 (A SHOCKER! Not my girl’s best episode)

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Ida would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 1 (literally that entire bedroom scene about writing? a puddle!)

+ Quote of the episode: “Were you born before 1959? Then don’t call me by my first name.” — Ms. DuBois 🙌🏾

“Batwoman” Episode 302 Recap: Are You My Mommi?

Hello and welcome to another Batwoman recap! Before we get into the episode, I do want to mention the Ruby-sized elephant in the room. Heather expertly summed up Ruby’s allegations as well as the awareness and the fight IATSE has brought to unsafe working conditions on many Hollywood sets and writers’ rooms. The safety of the cast and crew of this show is paramount, and thanks to Ruby, we know a bit more about the details surrounding her departure. What I will say, is if you haven’t already, please watch Azie Tesfai’s Instagram live featuring Javicia, Candice Patton, and Anna Diop. In addition to gassing each other up and showing each other so much love, they also describe the racist abuse they encountered in their workplace and fandoms. I do not mean to suggest an “Oppression Olympics” of any kind, I merely wish that the outrage for Black women’s documented abuse matched that of Ruby’s. Ya know, rising tides and ships and whatever that metaphor is… Again, for more on this, please read Heather’s piece and the deeper conversations in the comments. For now, onto the recap! 

Previously on Batwoman, Ryan and Sophie learned that Ry Ry’s birth mother is still alive, the team discovered several of Batman’s villain trophies were missing, we met the one and only Renee Montoya, and she forced Alice and Ryan to work together in order to recover all of Batman’s missing trophies.

Diving right into (hehe) this week’s episode, a young couple is on a late night date at an empty pool (the bar for what passes for romance among hets is the actual floor). Not long after they jump in, the dude is pulled under the water by forces unknown before he bursts out of the water, gets tossed around a bunch, and he and his lady friend are killed leaving behind nothing but blood in the water (and the Legally Blonde: the Musical soundtrack in my head).

We cut to Arkham Asylum where Alice is being released from custody in exchange for her help with finding the lost artifacts. She’s not empty-handed though, because her release also comes with a shiny new ankle monitor courtesy of Renee Montoya. It seems the gang’s all here, because Ryan appears and warns Montoya yet again that working with Alice is going to blow up right in her gorgeous face. Renee tells her that it is in Ryan’s best interest to make sure that doesn’t happen because if Alice screws up, it’s the end of the road for Batwoman too. Ya know, I can’t even knock Montoya’s hustle; she’s giving us the Ryan/Alice teamwork we deserve! And hey, maybe they’ll even learn something from each other in the process.

This is the face of someone who’s been told to “play nice” one too many times.

Gotham’s hardest working reporter, Dana DeWitt, is on the scene at the pool where she reveals the crime to have the hallmarks of former Batman villain, Killer Croc.

Down in the Batcave, Luke gives Mary and Ryan the rundown of the OG K.C. — Waylon Jones, professional wrestler, unknown infection, croc’ed out, Bruce tried to help, GCPD blew him to smithereens. Tale as old as time. All that was left of him was the tooth that most likely carried the infection and that was coincidentally floating around Gotham somewhere.

And then from behind the Bat team, a voice calls out with a question. It’s Alice! And not for nothing, her question about why there’s a tree in the cave is a valid one. Bat motif aside, there are literally 44 floors in this otherwise empty building and they decided to work down here?? When I tell you I screamed at Alice just hanging out in the Batcave. This is gonna be FUN.

“Am I…the drama?”

Ryan is less convinced about Alice’s presence bringing joy though; she leaves Alice alone and pulls Luke and Mary upstairs to get an update on the Batwing suit progress. She’s going to need his help to take down Croc. And then the heavens open up and Sophie comes in bearing arms* (*a forensics report detailing the poison present in Croc’s saliva). The friends are soon interrupted by a helicopter casually landing at Wayne Tower. Wouldn’t ya know, it’s the CEO of Jeturian Industries, Jada Jet. As Sophie realizes that Ryan, as acting CEO, is going to come face-to-face with her birth mom, she decides to tell Ryan the truth about Jada’s identity.

Me when I’m convinced I left my flat iron on, even though my hair is literally in braids.

Now, everyone say “Thank you, Mary!” because holy hell, homegirl hooked Ryan UP with a fit. And Sophie girl, I SAW THAT UP AND DOWN YOU GAVE RYAN IN THE MIRROR, YOU NOT SLICK! Y’all, real talk, there are a few scenes in this episode I wasn’t sure how I would recap without just yelling “BLACK WOMEN!!!” from the rooftops, and this is one of them. If you haven’t watched this scene yet, please go do it right now because I don’t know if I can do justice to the chemistry between Javicia and Meagan.

“Okay, but would you date me if I wore this?”

Ryan is nervous as all heck to meet Jada and she looks to Sophie to help get her through it. Soph asks Ryan what she wants from Jada, and Ryan is blunt. She doesn’t want anything but to get through this meeting with the woman who didn’t want her. The two run down Jada’s resume and while it’s clear the CEO is a fighter, Sophie reminds Ryan that she is too. Jada gave Ryan nothing, so she can’t take a damn thing away from her. AND THEN THEY HOLD HANDS as Sophie tells Ryan, “You got this.”

Hands.

And then the music shifts, and in struts Jada Jet wearing Robin Given’s face. Remember how I literally just said I didn’t know how to recap a few scenes? Well, here’s another one! The absolute power of these two women — one, outwardly sure of herself while fighting a raging emotional battle inside; and the other, all fire and boss energy ready to take down whoever dared to hack into her systems.

“Did someone call for a boss bitch?”

The two introduce themselves and Ryan genuinely holds her own against Jada, who spends their encounter trying to bait her daughter into sharing more information about the breach. Ryan doesn’t waver and asks again why Jada is there. She’s there to deliver a warning and also a masterclass in how to enter and exit a room, apparently. As soon as Jada is out of sight, Ryan absolutely crumbles.

I’m obsessed with the way Javicia played this scene. She expertly portrayed the emotions that many Black women go through when they’re expected to be outwardly strong, even when they don’t particularly feel it. It takes such a huge amount of energy to wear that mask and I felt that exhaustion the second that Ryan let it fall.

Meanwhile, Luke and Mary are trying to figure out why the Batwing suit keeps malfunctioning. When Mary learns that Lucius programmed his voice as the suit’s A.I., she adorably asks “Mr. Fox” for deets on Luke as a child. The two figure out that the suit’s failsafe triggered the shutdown because it thought Luke was injured. Mary suggests they make sure Luke is actually okay before they assume the suit is what’s faulty.

Luke’s childhood photos are WILD, y’all.

Down in the Batcave, Alice is still by herself, doing the thing we all do when we’re bored. We Google how to remove ankle monitors, obviously. Ryan shows up after her meeting with Jada, which Alice knew all about. Ryan tries not to fall for Alice’s barbs until the blonde dangles info about Croc’s next attack right in front of her. It turns out, having a killer on the Bat team is hella useful, because Alice reveals that the pool duo wasn’t Croc’s first kill. She’s already compiled a list of missing persons who are most likely actually victims of Killer Croc 2.0.

Ryan is always just exasperated by Alice, and I’m obsessed.

And now it’s time for the weekly yelling of “RACHEL SKARSTEN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” In this moment, is the delivery of “No, well yes. But that’s not the takeaway.” for me.

Moving on! A tiny Megan Rapinoe in training is practicing her soccer moves at some camp grounds when she kicks her ball into the woods and FOR SOME REASON, decides to go after it. She finds her ball slashed and before she can do much investigating, she’s dragged out of sight.

Have I mentioned that I love having Sophie on comms? Because I LOVE having Sophie on comms. She’s in Batwoman’s ear while B-Dubs (I have no idea, I’m so sorry) and Alice survey the scene in the woods. They realize he’s stashing paralyzed victims so he can eat them later. Yum.

“What step of his skin routine do you think ‘shedding’ is?”

Down in the sewers, Tiny Rapinoe (I think the captions said her name is Whitney, but sorry, your name is Tiny Rapinoe now) wakes up surrounded by dead bodies, tries to escape on her injured leg, but stops as soon as she hears growling.

“Legends Of Tomorrow” Episode 702 Recap: iGideon

Hello cats and kittens, and welcome to this recap of Legends of Tomorrow episode 702, “The Need for Speed,” aka the one with the honeymoon of sorts.

We begin a hop, skip, and a jump past where we left our Legends. Gary hasn’t fully digested Hoover yet, and the Legends didn’t get all that far before their old timey car broke down. They are determined to fix the timeline before things are changed too much so they give Behrad some soda pop to put in the engine while they see what else they have in the car that could help them. They find a radio and listen to the local news to hear that the Bullet Blondes have made headlines.

“This is my JAM.”

Meanwhile, Nate is spiraling. He’s never killed anyone before, let alone a major player in American history. But Ava interrupts and tells them that she found Hoover’s train ticket so they need to speed up their quest to keep people from finding out he’s dead. They ask for Gary’s help with a spell and he can do one with some DNA, which luckily he has since he’s having a hard time keeping the ol’ boy down, what with all the cigars and bigotry.

Home on the range, Spooner and Astra are looking curiously at Gideon, who still looks a little out of it, and hasn’t spoken yet, but Spooner is so sure it’s her.

She’s got that Siren of Spacetime look to her yaknow?

Astra is furious that her spell backfired like this, and frustrated that Gideon won’t talk to them.

Team Train heads to the station but the potion isn’t ready yet, so they need a distraction. Nate pulls his hat low over his eyes and Sara handcuffs herself to her wife and parades them down the platform, bragging about the Bullet Blondes.

“Not what I thought we’d be doing with handcuffs on our honeymoon.”

They hoodwink their way to the honeymoon suite, ironically, and they can discuss what’s next. Nate refreshes their memory on who Hoover was, and while morally reprehensible, he did have a big impact, specifically in founding the FBI.

Sara and Ava decide to go on a real honeymoon and use the pocket dimension key to go to the mansion, where they can finally be alone.

Kind of hilarious that they flat-out left their team for the day so they could go have sex for hours.

Just kidding, they’re not alone, because Zari is still there, and high as a kite. She’s rambling nonsense and making herself giggle so before she can start singing Frère Jacques, Sara and Ava excuse themselves and tell Zari to give them some time before coming to ask them for anything. (To which she responds, “That’s gross, moms.” Which is cute.)

High Zari was very cute and I would watch a whole episode of just her wandering around the mansion high.

She then starts eating whipped cream directly from the can in an effort to distract herself from the sounds coming from directly above her. When Ava takes a break to come downstairs with no pants on, she apologizes for intruding on Zari’s solitude, but Zari feels chill about it. About everything at the moment, actually. Including Ava’s lack of pants.

I, on the other hand, felt much less calm about this situation.

Seeing Fancy Zari look so…not fancy is concerning to Ava, so she asks Zari to consider that maybe her brother’s coping mechanisms won’t work for her. She suggests trying to work on a project like cleaning the mansion, so she heads off to try to do just that.

On the farm, Gideon is turning apples into little faces and Spooner is amused but Astra is just stressed. She scowls as Gideon pokes her finger into the apple and passes right out. Gloria goes to her side and starts tending to her and realizes these kids took in a stray puppy but haven’t been feeding or watering her. Astra shrugs it off and says she’s not a real girl, but Gloria shows her that Gideon has a heartbeat now, so they should start treating her like it.

She also calls Astra a mother, which I find hilarious and Astra finds terrifying.

I’m high-key obsessed with this particular group of women.

In talking to Gloria, who asks why things aren’t just back the way they were now, Spooner and Astra realize the Legends are taking longer to enact their plan than they thought, and that they might need help. They really need Gideon.

On the train, when Nate drinks the potion and transforms into Hoover, Behrad and Gary are immediately shunned for not being straight, white, cis men. They stand back and watch as Nate embodies Hoover, solving the mystery of a stolen purse, trying to figure out why some FBI agents think someone is going to kidnap him. After some teamwork, the boys realize that the kidnapping plot is coming from inside the house, and their lead suspect is now the train’s conductor.