“And Just Like That…” Introduces 3 Inevitably Queer Storylines!

SPOILERS BELOW!

You’re probably wondering what a gal like me is doing recapping a show like this. I don’t even know how to spell “Manolo Blahnik.”

Well, it all started in middle school when I realized that our yearly sex education classes could be utilized to my lesbian advantage. Generally speaking, it was frowned upon to hate my friend’s boyfriends. As just a small example, I one time tried to run over my best friend’s boyfriend, the quarterback of our football team, with an automobile, and everyone acted like that was just such a reckless and rude thing to do! Even though he called me a cunt and also was STEALING MY BEST FRIEND.

I had already come close to social ostracization in seventh grade, when I told Ann Stanley that 13-year-olds did not know what love is and therefore her boyfriend Preston Hooper did not love her and was only saying that because of blow jobs. (Blow jobs, Ann! Do you want Jesus to catch you with a dick in your mouth?) When we started sex ed, I sensed an ally in our health teacher Mrs. Carpenter, whose husband was a Baptist preacher. “Let’s talk more about chlamydia!” I would suggest. “Can we get some more details on gonorrhea!” And after every vivid description, I would reiterate that the only real way to stay safe from these things was to completely and totally avoid interactions with all boys, and instead focus all of our time and energy on other girls. Mrs. Carpenter agreed. Neither of us knew where to buy some condoms.

The original Sex and the City was my grown-up sex ed. All the straight men on the show — maybe besides Steve, but he ended up marrying a lesbian anyway — were objectively horrible. And it was a fairy tale! So I would watch with my straight friends and constantly be like, “Wow, seems like men are simply disgusting! If only there were some soft, hilarious, smart, driven, successful, compassionate, gentle, athletic, tall and slightly awkward alternative who knows how to cook all your favorite meals, and who your parents and pets already love.”

And that’s how I ended up watching every single episode of SATC and handing over actual money to see the movies in theaters. Even the last one. Which was the worst thing I’ve ever paid for, including a Jar Jar Binks action figure in 1999 and a fish sandwich from some street vendor in London that gave me food poisoning while I was staying in a hostel.

And now I am recapping this sequel which promises gayness on three fronts: 1) Sara Ramirez. 2) Charlotte’s kid. 3) Miranda.

Big and Carrie are happy, you guys. Incandescently happy. It was a rocky road to get here and he was mostly garbage along the way, but right now, they are just the giddiest middle age straight cis couple you ever did see. They dance and they sing and they goof around in the kitchen while cooking together. They’re adorable and sensual in bed, where they’re still having satisfying and effortless sex after all this time. They’re readying themselves for a trip to the Hamptons, even, and will be right on their way after Carrie attends the piano recital of Lily York-Goldenblatt — Charlotte and Harry’s over-achieving, gender-conforming daughter — at the prestigious MANHATTAN SCHOOL OF MUSIC. (They have another kid, Rose, but she’d rather be skateboarding and also not wearing dresses.) Big doesn’t attend the recital ’cause he’s gotta do his one thousandth Peloton class and also smoke his weekly cigar.

Now, if you are a person who has watched lesbians die on TV in ways ranging from being inexplicably shot through the literal heart standing ten feet away from an open second-story window, or being gunned down on their wedding day, or licking a poisoned envelope, or being turned into sentient space dust, or getting beheaded, or electrocuted by a toaster in the bathtub, or mowed down by a riding lawnmower, or strangled at Jesus Camp by their fake cousin, you can tell what’s about to happen here. Big’s gonna die. Lily’s just playing her precocious little musical genius heart out on that piano at The MANHATTAN SCHOOL OF MUSIC and Big’s heart stops working! Heart attack! Right in the shower! One day, Lily will grow up and quote Julia Stiles’ iconic line from the 2001 masterpiece Save the Last Dance — “She was dying while I was dancing!” — but today it’s just Carrie who finds Big. She’s wearing her wedding shoes and he’s hardly breathing and he dies right there in her arms.

JUST LIKE THAT.

It’s not a huge surprise, to be honest. Helen Fielding killed Darcy in the third Bridget Jones book. Jane the Virgin killed Michael in the middle of the show. Autostraddle Editor in Chief Carmen Phillips has been predicting this since day one. Straight people run out of stories to tell too, and so men gotta die sometimes. At least he wasn’t crunched underneath the tires of a teenage lesbian’s pickup truck in the parking lot of a rural Georgia car wash, you know? And anyway Carrie and Big sort of did bring this upon themselves by being happy, which is the biggest no-no that all queer couples on TV know about.

Big’s not the only thing happening in this pilot episode. Miranda’s going back to school to get her master’s in Human Rights and maybe run for governor of New York, who even knows. What me and Carrie both know, however, is that Miranda’s grey hair looks AWESOME. She’s kind of a wreck at school, though, and goes on like a ten-minute diatribe about how much she loves her Black professor, Dr. Nya Wallace, especially her braids. It’s hard to watch. Not as hard as watching the first 30 seasons of this show without a single person of color in the cast, but still. Yikes!

Miranda’s obviously got the hots for Dr. Nya Wallace, whomst she accidentally ends up stalking around the subway for like half the episode. Miranda knows she fucked it up and has some purse wine at Lily’s recital to cope, and also snaps at Charlotte to stop judging her about it. She’s got more going on than being a Park Ave stay at home mom and sometimes that requires purse wine! Relax!

Charlotte, of course, cannot relax. Has, in fact, never relaxed one day in her entire life. Which is going to make her relationship with her obviously very queer and cool and black sheep daughter extremely fraught. She didn’t just buy her a dress to wear to the recital; she bought her an Oscar de la Renta dress! Everyone in florals, okay? (Lily says, “It’s pretty.” Rose says, “Define pretty.”) It’s gonna be a real expensive transitory period for these two. At least when I went through this phase of flipping out every time my mom approached me with girly clothes, the garments in question were from Sears. (I wonder if Lily or Rose has ever even heard of a Sears? Or a mall? Imagine growing up without Cinnabon.) Rose deals with the dress by adding one of those tuxedo t-shirts over it, and also a beanie that looks like Hedwig (the magical owl, not the queer from The Angry Inch — just another thing she doesn’t have in common with her mom). Looks like Charlotte’s also got some mama drama brewing with another parent at The MANHATTAN SCHOOL OF MUSIC, and not just because she, too, approves of purse wine.

Okay but what about Carrie’s career? Well, she’s landed a co-hosting gig on a podcast called XY and Me, starring Sara Ramirez as Che Diaz. Che’s the “queer, non-binary, Mexican-Irish diva” voice. Carrie’s the straight, cis, white voice. And get this: Che thinks CARRIE BRADSHAW IS A PRUDE. Well, well, well! How the turntables! XY and Me has the greatest tagline in history: “The podcast that discusses gender roles, sexual roles, and cinnamon roles.” See, Sara Ramirez agrees about Cinnabon! Che calls Carrie and their other co-host, a cis man named Jackie,”the boring genders,” and then smashes a button that yells “WOKE MOMENT!!!” Later in the elevator, Che vapes some weed and tells Carrie to lighten up, get raunchy, and act like the character who had a sex column in the 90s and not some boring married lady.

Carrie is wearing glittery horse riding gloves for their entire conversation, by the way, and an emerald and diamond pendant that’s bigger than the one Kate Winslet lost to the sea in Titanic. What’s boring about that!

And finally, Samantha is in London because Carrie FIRED HER as her publicist. She moved and stopped returning Carrie’s calls and honestly who can blame her. Her absence is way worse than Big’s will be, in my correct opinion. She’d absolutely take Rose shopping for a suit! And makeout with Sara Ramirez in an elevator the way the goddesses intended!

What’s My Type? I Dunno, You Tell Me!!!

“There’s Something About” is a series where writers chat about the type of babes that make them all hot and bothered by showing you fictional Pop Culture hotties that fit the bill.

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One of my favorite things about writing for Autostraddle is sometimes we’re given a fun prompt like “describe your type with four examples” and I take that as “have an existential crisis.”

See, for years I could’ve easily answered this question. I sort of did with my top ten television characters list filled with lots of Mean Mommis™ both literal and spiritual. But in the year and a half since writing that I have… grown? Gotten… healthier? More… well-adjusted? I know. I can hardly believe it either.

I reflected on my longtime crushes that still make me swoon and came up with this very random list. I don’t know what unites them beyond good at banter and could probably beat me up (but also probably won’t). So consider this an interactive entry in this series — What’s my type? I dunno you tell me!

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Various Characters as played by Katharine Hepburn

Katharine Hepburn is one of my earliest loves. Her characters in Bringing Up Baby, Adam’s Rib, The Philadelphia Story, and so many others taught me what kind of woman I want to be with and what kind of woman I want to be. She was confident and funny and extremely stubborn — a double Taurus after all — and I just love her so much. Also shoutout to how extremely gay and trans she is in Sylvia Scarlett.

Barbarella as played by Jane Fonda

I love IRL Jane Fonda. She’s one of the few celebrities I feel comfortable stanning. She’s always been political in a way that goes beyond the lip service of most famous actors and after so many decades she’s rarely let me down. So then why of all her roles have I chosen the one where she’s a horny space bimbo? I don’t know! This is an interactive experience remember?? I was obsessed with Jane as Barbarella as a teen and I still am. She’s curious and wears cool outfits and fights bad guys and has a wild sex drive. What’s not to love?

Legs Sadovsky as played by Angelina Jolie

At one point in my life, this list could have been comprised entirely of characters like Angelina Jolie in Foxfire. She’s edgy and dangerous and damaged and very very very gay. And while, as aforementioned, I’ve matured to a healthier place, there’s still something about Angelina’s violent soft butch that still extremely does it for me. She’s just so hot and cool and her chaos is directed in very understandable and admirable places! I would take a tattoo from her any day.

Monica Wright as played by Sanaa Lathan

Talent is hot. Working hard is hot. Sanaa Lathan in Love and Basketball is HOT. I’m a Capricorn who will always put my work and passions first and I want a partner who will do the same for themself. I love Monica’s drive and her temper and her unwillingness to compromise. And going back to my favorite thing banter, she and Quincy have banter that lasts them decades. Being serious about your path in life doesn’t mean being humorless and I love how Monica brings the same competitive spirit to a flirty battle of wits as she does a high-stakes game of one-on-one.

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Okay so tell me… what’s my type??

Lesbians! Witchcraft! Murder! Milkshakes! It’s Time for the Riverdale/Sabrina Crossover Event

Part four of Riverdale’s five-part television event — otherwise known as Rivervale and furthermore also known as the best fever dream I’ve ever had — arrives like a comet this week. A celestial event blurring the lines between reality and magic. Something to be watched with wide eyes and a dropped jaw. The night sky and Riverdale — two ever-expanding presences full of secrets and wonders. And that’s especially true for this Rivervale series-within-the-series, which pushes the show’s world into strange and topsy-turvy lands. This Riverdale/Sabrina crossover gay extravaganza truly has it all: axe-murder, witchcraft, romance, body swaps, and cosmic phenomenon. And gay kissing! Lots of gay kissing!

If I were to describe “The Witching Hour(s)” in just ten words, they would be this: Gay witches do murders in three different, interconnected timelines — HOT. More specifically, Jughead in his Rod Serling drag sets up the premise at the top, as he has done for all of these Rivervale tales: “The Witching Hour(s)” features three Blossom women, their stories echoing through time. There’s Abigail Blossom of 1892, headmistress of the Thornhill Academy For Girls, a finishing school. There’s Poppy — full name POPPY SEED BLOSSOM — of 1957, a purveyor of herbal potions for the town’s housewives, who she also has over to weekly salons where they discuss topics like Lady Chatterley’s Lover, naturally. And there’s the Cheryl Blossom we know, chaotic queer teen turned chaotic queer adult, who also runs a school for girls of sorts, though I’m not totally sure what exactly it’s a school for. Archery and witchy hijinks? Also, all three of these Blossom women are queer. Mainly because…they’re the same person? More on that later!

I’m a sucker for multi-timeline narratives (as evidenced by my Yellowjackets obsession), and Rivervale pulls out all the stops here in terms of over-the-top wardrobe, set dressing, and aesthetics for each of the three. It’s a triple-layered period piece, really. Because even “present day” Riverdale is ambivalent about its time period (and that has been especially true of the Rivervale episodes, which are folklorish in scope and design, further blurring notions like time and geography). In fact, in the lovely opening sequence that bounces between Blossoms, it took me a second to differentiate Abigail/Poppy/Cheryl, but the hair turned out to be the key (half-up curls for Abigail; a long bob with bangs for Poppy, and the usual soft waves for Cheryl).

The three interwoven tales begin at 8 a.m. on the morning of the day Bailey’s comet is set to pass over town. We watch as Abigail/Poppy/Cheryl ready themselves before their vanities, and assuming their morning routines take about an hour, that means Poppy Blossom’s boozy salon starts at, like, NINE IN THE MORNING? I suppose it was the 50s!

In the present, Cheryl reads Poppy and Abigail’s stories to Nana Rose, who is on her deathbed. Apparently, this is part of some spell. Because yes, this episode officially does establish Cheryl Blossom is a witch, a sentiment that’s presented as if we surely already knew this, and you know what? Even though it has textually been vague, of course I knew this. Even back in season one before magic descended upon Riverdale, I took one look at Cheryl Blossom and said…that’s a witch.

Let’s go through each of their stories then, shall we? In 1892, Abigail is visited by a mysterious and alluring stranger named Thomasina Topaz, played by Vanessa Morgan and presumably an ancestor of Toni. Thomasina is seeking a teaching job at Abigail’s school and also wants to shake things up by teaching the girls about science and other things beyond etiquette. Abigail asks Thomasina if she is married, and Thomasina offers a hesitant no. “Good,” Abigail replies. “I have no need for women with husbands.”

Abigail and Thomasina briefly skirmish over Thomasina’s forward-thinking philosophy about educating the girls, but Abigail rolls over easily, visiting Thomasina who’s casually stargazing through a telescope in the parlor of Thornhill. Astronomy is, in and of itself, gay. And the fact that Thomasina says in a previous episode “a comet is like a poem” ???? Incredible. Abigail tells her she’s right, which is in fact the best form of foreplay. They share my favorite kind of on-screen kiss, which is just a quick peck, a pull back to look deeply into each other eyes, and then going back in for a full-on makeout. The kiss-stare-kiss maneuver! Love it!

Thomasina isn’t technically lying about her marriage. She indeed has no husband. Because she has murdered him. Constable Keller (ancestor of Kevin) comes a-knocking, interrupting Abigail and Thomasina’s post-coitail bliss. He is in search of a MURDERESS (yes, the actual word used) by the name of Thomasina Topaz. Riverdale’s version of u-hauling is when a lesbian starts dating someone and then IMMEDIATELY harbors them as a fugitive no questions asked. That’s exactly what happens here, Abigail faking smallpox to get the constable to leave them alone.

Abigail asks Thomasina for the truth, and it goes like this: Thomasina had an arranged marriage with a cruel man who controlled and abused her, and one day she realized if she didn’t kill him first, he’d kill her. So she murdered the bad man and skipped town, seeking refuge on the steps of Thornhill. “Stay here. Stay with me. Forever,” Abigail says, a very chill and normal thing to say to a woman you’ve been romantically involved with for three seconds.

But this is, as all the other Rivervale chapters have been, a horror story. A horror story brimming with romance and camp but a horror story nonetheless. So something bad must happen. And it does. Fen Fogarty (ancestor of Fangs) shows up to inform Abigail her beloved brother has died at battle. He presents a letter supposedly from her brother stating that his dying wish is for her to marry Fen. Um! Thomasina is like this sounds weird! And indeed, Thomasina and Abigail go snooping and find lots of evidence of forgery as well as occult objects as well as a stack of death portraits, which include Abigail’s brother. “Fen Fogarty is not just a scoundrel. He’s a warlock,” Thomasina observes.

They’re interrupted by the monster himself, wielding an ax that he uses to threaten Thomasina’s life (he calls her a “saucy sapphic witch,” which like, the t-shirts make themselves!) and pressure Abigail into marrying him. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Over in 1957, Poppy Seed Blossom is just chilling, throwing salons, giving potions to her housewife friends. Velma (1950s-ified Veronica) is bored with vanilla sex with her husband. Poppy’s got a potion for that! Tammy (1950s-ified Tabitha) wants to work the register at Pop’s, but her husband won’t let her. Poppy’s got a potion for that! Bitsy (1950s-ified Betty) wants to leave her marriage to Jack (1950s-ified Jughead), who’s pressuring her to have another child even though her first pregnancy was traumatic. Bitsy’s got a potion for that, too, offering Bitsy birth control but also…a KISS.

We’re all thinking it, right? ARE Bitsy and Poppy cousins? Some liberties are taken when it comes to the whole lineage thing in the sense that both Mädchen Amick and Lili Reinhart appear in these 50s scenes and are seemingly playing contemporaries rather than mother-daughter. Also, the eventual conclusion that Poppy is actually Abigail (again, more on that later!) suggests that even if they are related, it is extremely distant.

But I digress. Jack and Bitsy show up on Poppy’s doorstep, and Jack makes Bitsy tell her she was wrong and that she’s actually quite happy in her marriage and definitely does want to have another child with Jack. It’s very upsetting! Free Bitsy! Jack takes things even further and tells Poppy if she ever interferes with his marriage again, he’ll kill her. He rallies the rest of the men in town, and they all show up on her doorstep to tell her to stop talking to their wives, essentially. But Poppy Blossom will not be told what to do!!!!!!! Unfortunately, Kirk Keller (another one of Kevin’s cop ass ancestors) seizes the opportunity to accuse Poppy of communist sympathizing, seizing Thornhill and locking her up in the single-cell jail in town…indefinitely? Bitsy visits her in a very devastating scene where she reveals she is indeed pregnant and then, brainwashed by Jack, turns on Poppy. “You don’t know anything about me,” she says to Poppy, and it’s like a knife, because if anything, Poppy is the only person who really knows Bitsy and sees her.

At last, the night of the comet. Abigail marries Fen in a red dress and veil. Jack shows up at Poppy’s cell and begs her to help Bitsy, who has gone into labor, is having a complicated delivery, and has insisted the only person who can help is Poppy. If she helps, Jack promises to free her from this cell. Poppy goes to the hospital and delivers Bitsy’s baby, the comet throwing red light over them. But when Jack and Kirk come back, they tell Poppy she might not be going back to her cell but that she’s now on indefinite house arrest, doomed to haunt the halls of Thornhill. Bitsy waits a smooth year and then uses poison — Poppy’s last gift to her — to murder her asshole husband.

Meanwhile, Abigail ax-murders Fen, Borden-style (and in fact outright asks Fen if he has heard of Lizzie Borden mere seconds before hacking him up in bed). When she goes to Thomasina to tell her the good news, she finds a corpse and a death portrait. Fen already killed her. And in another final act of cruelty, he staggers into the room, bleeding out but still slightly alive, using his dying breaths to cast a curse on Abigail. He dooms her to immortality: “May you remain unloved and alone for all your miserable days.”

Cut to the present when a doorbell interrupts storytime with Cheryl and Nana Rose. Ding dong the witch is here! Sabrina Spellman shows up for the final minutes of the episode. “Youknow I’d do anything to help a fellow witch,” she says, hugging Cheryl and also informing us that their covens play in the same SOFTBALL LEAGUE? I’m going to need an entire episode about that (or, at the very least, a 10+ chapter fic). They then perform the ritual the entire episode has been leading up to: a transference spell.

You see, Cheryl Blossom is not actually Cheryl Blossom. She is Abigail Blossom, whose immortality forced her to construct new identities through the years. Earlier in the episode, the scene of Thomasina and Abigail’s first kiss cuts to Poppy zoning out with a little smile on her face while talking to Velma, almost as if she were remembering the kiss herself. BECAUSE SHE WAS. Poppy is Abigail and Cheryl is Abigail, and their curse is finally broken with Sabrina’s help, Abigail’s soul going into Nana Rose’s so she can die and join Thomasina in the afterlife, a reunion we indeed get to see when the two lovebirds frolic in a graveyard together. Which also means…Nana Rose’s soul has entered the body formerly known as Cheryl Blossom?

“Happy-sad endings are the best,” Sabrina says. And I’m like wow, true. But also like…wait what just happened?

Surely this isn’t retconning all of Riverdale. Rivervale has its own internal logic that exists outside of the main show’s (often paradoxical) internal logic…………right? Wrong! Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has been very adamant about the fact that everything that happens in Rivervale is canon. There will be consequences in the main universe. And you know what? Yes. Cheryl Blossom is a witch across time. This I believe whole heartedly. And since Thomasina is also established as a witch, I choose to believe Toni Topaz is a bisexual witch legend in the main story as well. It also means the softball league for witches is CANON.

Besides, this isn’t the first time Cheryl has suggested she might be cursed and, specifically, love-cursed. She says as much, over and over, on regular-style Riverdale. Perhaps other people will have different interpretations, but I actually find the narrative in “The Witching Hour(s)” to be an interesting play on/challenging of a queerness-as-curse trope. Because, really, the character’s queerness is not at all the source of horror or what the curse is rooted in. She was queer long before she was cursed. The curse was placed on her by a vengeful man, and even despite it, she found ways to access queer love even while cursed. She was told she would live life unloved, but haven’t we seen otherwise? Cheryl and Toni might not be together in the present, but they did, at one point, love each other. The ability to subvert a powerful curse in the name of love? Baby, that’s gay!

All in all, the episode views like fanfiction fantasy brought to life tbh. And I think it works as a standalone story as well as fitting into the larger arc of Rivervale, this strange and imo successful experiment Riverdale‘s been running that boils the show’s most basic themes down into little horror-fantasy mythologies. The experiment concludes next week with “The Jughead Paradox,” the series’ 100th episode.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYJLfWCMYV0

Ryan Wilder and Alex Danvers Create the Ultimate Wildmoore Fan Fic in The CW’s ARMAGEDDON: Part 4

Hello and welcome to this VERY SPECIAL recap of The Flash season 8 episode 4, ARMAGEDDON: Part 4 (aka the Wildmoore ARMAGEDDON Recap).

It’s four weeks into this five-episode event, but the queer women finally had enough air time in The Flash’s ARMAGEDDON to warrant a conversation, despite both of them being highly advertised as a poster-worthy part of this whole shebang. But it’s fine! It’s fine.

AND since Supergirl and Batwoman have both sent representatives to this event, we’re going to follow suit and make this a tag-team recap between me (Valerie Anne) and Nic. Since we have both been fans of the CWDCTV Beeboverse for approximately eight years, and coincidentally have been friends for the same amount of time, it felt serendipitous for “our” shows to collide like this.

ICYMI, I gave a rundown of what all went on in the first three parts of ARMAGEDDON in Boobs on Your Tube last week, and this week we rewind to a few minutes before Barry shows up at the… rehearsal dinner? I thought it was the engagement party originally but it’s apparently the week of the wedding so that’s probably not it.

Either way, we rewind to just before Eobard’s speech and get to see the guests mingling. Except Alex. She goes missing until the speech. Maybe she called Kelly to check on what, in 2031, would be a teenaged Esme.

The most important conversation happening at this juncture is between Ryan and Iris, and it made me pause and all-caps scream at Nic, so I’ll let her take it from here.

Nic: OKAY LISTEN. (Speaking of all-caps screaming.) The very first words spoken in the very first scene of this episode are by one, Ryan Wilder, as she details her conflict over HOW SHE AND SOPHIE PLAN TO HAVE A BABY. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know this is an alternate timeline of 2031, but the fact that in this alternate timeline Wildmoore is endgame…AND they’re starting a family…AND Iris was Ryan’s Maid of Honor?! Did I write this episode and forget? Beebo take the wheel.

Valerie: This is exactly why I wanted to tag-team this recap with you. Please continue.

Nic: In all seriousness though, the idea of a ten years older Ryan Wilder settling into her life with Sophie by her side as her wife is everything I could ever dream of. As Ryan spirals, Iris attempts to calm her down by reminding her that at the Wildmoore wedding, she told Ryan to always listen to what her heart wants, and everything else will fall into place. It’s the smallest and simplest thing, but Iris starts her advice by calling Ryan “sis.” It’s a term of endearment often used among Black women to convey community and safety. To me, it shows just how close Iris and Ryan have become in this version of the timeline. You can tell they can be real with each other and call each other out and in when necessary.

Cecile overhears the two women talking about babies, and drunkenly interrupts to complain about reading Jenna’s mind and seeing a string of impressively terrible insults. Allegra comes over to warn them against using the bathroom (presumably because of illicit activities) as Chester joins them and very awkwardly asks how Allegra was liking London. Turns out, Allegra just might be taking a job offer in Gotham. Petition for everyone to join Batwoman, tysm.

We land back at Eobard’s speech where Ryan and Iris give each other those “I’m So Happy My Best Friend is in Love” eyes, before Iris sees Barry and Ryan jumps into Protec Mode, demanding to know why Barry has dared to show his face.

Barry tells them what he believes to be true; that he’s The Flash. But when he speeds off to change, he arrives in the Reverse Flash suit. If you guessed that that means Eobard is The Flash in this timeline, well, you would be correct! Team Flash, including Batwoman and Sentinel, suit up and prepare to fight Barry.

Valerie: I don’t even have time to get into how FURIOUS I am that every time I turn on this Beebo-forsaken show, someone with Eobard’s face is causing some kind of mayhem, because actually there’s a better place for that rant later, so for now let’s talk about this new, imagined version of Team Flash. Because words cannot explain the THRILL I got from seeing Sentinel and Batwoman in their suits, fighting side by side.

And it soon becomes clear this is not the first time these two have done this. It seems like there have been some superqueero training sessions, because Ryan and Alex are so in sync, communicating in subtle gay nods and having their skills work together like a choreographed dance. It’s truly the stuff of fanfic, and it made me so happy.

Eventually they beat Barry, and say that they’re taking him down for Nate, for Ray…and for Sara. Because our favorite bisexual badass simply cannot catch a break and dies in 90% of the timelines she’s in. (And nevertheless, she persists!) Though I did wonder if this means something Eobard did made Sara less invincible than she is in present-day Legends? Or maybe Ryan meant “for Sara” having to lose Nate and Ray? It doesn’t REALLY matter, to be honest, because like most things timey and wimey on The Flash, this will all be undone before long.

Barry gets away by the skin of his supersuit, learning that Eobard took over his whole life. Became the Flash, somehow wooed Iris, and, possibly most unbelievably, turned Barry into the Reverse Flash. And the cherry on top is that Eobard went back in time to kill Baby Barry, so his adult self only has a few more hours until he disappears forever.

Nic: Okay, I watched this episode multiple times, and still can’t exactly figure out what time travel rules we’re working with? Are we talking Back to the Future can’t run into your own self? Is it Lost “whatever happened happened” and you can technically die no matter which timeline it is?? If Eobard killed Baby Barry, how is THIS Barry even here? You know what? I’ve already put too much brain power into this, please, carry on, friend.

Valerie: I think we’re going with Legends Logic which is that it takes time for the new timeline to cement, HOWEVER I do not know how Eobard knew it would solidify at exactly midnight? I feel like it’s usually more random than that.

ANYWAY, Barry goes to see yet another overused villain on the CW, who was long-term evil and killed the Legends in this timeline: Damien Darhk. Barry pretends to be his evil counterpart and convinces Darhk to help him fix the timeline.

Back in Star Labs, it seems Alex feels right at home and is sent on a weapon’s check with Garvia. It’s unclear if she’s always around, like maybe Eobard recruited her and Ryan early in their careers to Team Flash in order to secure his version of the timeline, or if they’ve just been around the team enough over the past decade that they’re comfortable with their friends. Alex decides to waste no time getting the goss though, and immediately asks Allegra about the weird vibes between her and Chester.

Allegra says one of the best things I’ve ever heard on this television program, which is that Allegra and Chester hooked up one night after a particularly sexy session of D&D. And what’s great about this is that I’ve literally known this to happen. Allegra says that Chester snuck out the morning after and that they ultimately decided to be friends.

Damien Darhk interrupts this chat with an attack, and Barry manages to convince him to steal what they came for and leave without killing anyone, which clues Darhk into the fact that this isn’t the Barry Allen he knows and loves, because his Barry would have killed them all without blinking. Which feels…psychologically illogical? I feel like you could change the timeline as much as you want, and while you could probably turn Barry darker and broodier than even Oliver Queen, you can’t MAKE someone a sociopath? But totems shmotems I guess.

Nic: Meanwhile, a fully suited-up Ryan visits her bestie Iris to give her an update on the search for Barry. Unfortunately, Ry needs to head back to Gotham to take care of some Bat Business, but promises Iris she won’t miss her wedding the next day. And because Ryan knows Iris so well, she sees that the Flash Off isn’t her friend’s only problem at the moment. Despite having won two whole ass Pultizers (that Valerie and I are certain Kara Danvers presented to her), Iris can’t seem to finish her wedding vows.

So Ryan throws Iris’ earlier advice right back at her. (Don’t you love it when your friends do that?)

Valerie: 😬

Nic: As soon as she slows down her mind and listens to her heart, the next step will become clearer.

In fact, Ryan used that very advice earlier that night when she saved an unhoused kid who reminded her of herself. In that moment, Ryan and her heart knew exactly what to do; she wanted to save a child the same way Cora saved her. Once everyone was safe, Ryan called Sophie and they decided they’re going to adopt. (This super isn’t the point, but I’m imagining Batwoman breathing heavily after kicking ass, and having an incredibly serious conversation with HER WIFE about bringing a child into their family, and I can’t stop laughing. This shit is so gay.)

Valerie: EVERYTHING IS GAY AND NOTHING HURTS

Nic: Iris looks genuinely so happy for Ryan and the two just have this comfort and ease with each other that I think mirrors the relationship Candice and Javicia have off-screen. When Azie Tesfai hosted her Instagram Live a few months back, Candice mentioned the importance of Black female friendship especially in places like television sets where it can be more difficult to advocate for themselves. The importance of having people you can shed your armor around; who you can share book recommendations with; who you can kiki with about the nonsense your non-Black co-stars get up to. It’s a sense of community that can only be understood by those who’ve had similar experiences.

Remember a few Batwoman recaps ago, when I said Black women are not a monolith? We can be soft? We can love? We can have friendships that don’t revolve around backstabbing and pain? This relationship between Ryan and Iris is exactly what I meant. They love each other. They can count on each other. They aren’t fighting over a love triangle or putting each other down. They get to have this beautiful friendship and it’s a joy to watch, if even in a made up timeline.

Iris has been through the wringer on this here television program, and I would give anything to have her over on Batwoman permanently. But among all its timey wimey weirdness and obvious focus on Barry Allen, The Flash: Armageddon gives Iris West one thing she’s been missing: genuine Black female friendship in the form of Ryan Wilder.

Valerie: Seconding the motion to move Iris to Gotham! She’s going to have a queer daughter someday so she needs to start that support system now!

Back at Star Labs, since no one has given her a task, Alex is still meddling in Team Flash’s love life. She storms up to Chester and demands to know why he walked out on Allegra 10 years ago.

As it turns out, it was all a big miscommunication.

Nic: The way that miscommunication is my LEAST FAVORITE reason for television/story conflict?! It makes my tummy huuuuurt!

Valerie: Chester went out to get coffee and Allegra was gone when he got back. And when he tried to talk to her about it, she pushed him away and they decided to be friends. Ryan Choi chimes in that love is a lie anyway, science is the only truth. Alex scoffs at them but they say that not everyone can have a perfect wife like Alex does. Alex tells Chester and Ryan Choi that closing themselves off to love is a recipe for missing out on the best part of being human, and I’d rather her not be quite so LOUD.

Alex goes to Allegra to ask why she misled her on what actually happened with Chester, and Allegra admits that she was scared.

She has some abandonment issues, see, and when she realized that she was starting to genuinely like Chester, she figured she’d leave before he got the chance to. Alex tells Allegra that Kelly is her rock now, but she went through her fair share of heartbreak before they found each other. She promises putting yourself out there is worth it. Ryan Choi rudely abandons team Love is a Lie after this speech, and admits that he just plays the player because he’s scared of getting hurt.

Nic: And honestly…Ryan Choi can be A BIT QUIETER TOO, PLEASE.

Valerie: I suppose it makes sense that the bearer of the Love Totem would have some advice for the team lead by the Paragon of Love. Even though this whole thing was a little silly since it ultimately will be erased from the timeline, but Alex looks proud of herself for solving all of Team Flash’s romance issues, so it was worth it for that alone.

Nic: Iris is still having trouble with her vows when Barry just speeds on into her apartment. Now, I know in his timeline, it’s also his apartment, but there have to be some Flash consent rules, right? Can he just show up wherever he wants?? Anyway, he tries to tell Iris about his plan to sort of but not really cause Armageddon in order to fix the timeline. A clearly threatened Eobard shows up before Barry can confess his love, and demands Iris shoot Barry. Instead she shoots her fiancé and lets Barry go.

As Barry starts to run (!!) and cause natural disasters all over the world, Eobard begins chasing him in an effort to stop him. I just. This whole thing literally started because Eobard could not stand the fact that Barry was faster than him. SO HE STOLE BARRY’S ENTIRE LIFE?! Are cishet white men okay?

Valerie: When I realized this was essentially a toxic masculinity bro-off… Rage!

Nic: And speaking of cishet white men who absolutely are not okay, apparently Constantine is still somehow ruining our lives because he gave Killer Frost and Ryan Choi a protection spell so Darhk can’t hurt them as they attempt to fight him.

Valerie: At this point in our joint doc for this recap, Nic put a note that just said, “annoying white man rant??” and frankly I wish I could just leave it as is. But of course I can’t resist a rant; I’m sick of these shows overusing the same three cis white men just because they like the actor. I’m sure Matt Ryan, Tom Cavanaguh, Neal McDonough, and Jon Cryer are lovely people. But that’s not a good enough reason to drag their characters’ stories out like this! Constantine’s only saving grace is that at least he is queer no matter which character he’s playing but even still I’m sick of him. With the existence of Metahumans and aliens in the Beeboverse, there are a bajillion different villains you can dream up, why are you using the same three villains over and over? And why oh WHY try to redeem someone who was truly vile to our heroes over the years? I will forever maintain that The Flash was at its best when it had a meta-of-the-week format with the throughline of Team Flash learning to work together and dealing with their interpersonal relationships. It was also more fun when Barry was more like Kara Danvers and less like Oliver Queen but that’s a rant for another day.

I will say, though, watching Sentinel be the one to take down Damien Darhk was very cathartic.

Nic: *Standing ovation for that rant. No notes.*

Meanwhile at Star Labs, since they figure death is more than likely imminent, Allegra chooses that moment to confess her love for Chester. And the way Chester is all, “yeah, duh, I obviously love you too” is so perfect and almost had me caring about a het relationship. But the icing on the cake is Caitlin’s reaction to the entire thing. HER FACE!

Valerie: After a very dramatic sequence, Barry eventually runs fast enough to break time, resetting the timeline and undoing everything Eobard did. Barry sprints back to 2021, where he finds himself face to face with Despero, who is a little confused because he had just murdered all of Barry’s friends and now their bodies are gone because the timeline reverted. Barry explains everything that happened and how actually the ARMAGEDDON he saw was the beginning of a new start, not the ending, so Despero leaves, promising to return if Barry is wrong.

Barry goes to find Team Flash, and is glad to find his found family all alive and happy. Barry hugs Iris so tight and is beyond thrilled when she suggests calling her dad, who is very much alive.

Hopefully Barry will take back the knowledge he gained in the future and make sure to introduce Ryan and Iris, and loop Sentinel into more fights, but who knows.

This is the point that I messaged Nic like “wait isn’t this a FIVE episode event” because it felt very Happily Ever After but then there’s one final scene where Thawne shows up AGAIN in the secret Gideon room in Star Labs (which…needs better security apparently??) and says no one changes the timeline but him. And I know this isn’t really the “murder thyne enemies” kind of show but sweet Beebo if they can’t steal this man’s speed, I vote we make an exception.

Nic, how are you liking ARMAGEDDON so far? Did the appearance of Ryan and Alex in Central City meet your expectations? Does it frustrate you as much as it frustrates me when entire plotlines are just…erased because Barry and other Speedsters can’t help but play god with everyone’s lives? What are you hoping for in Part 5?

Nic: Look, I don’t think it will surprise anyone that Alex and Ryan have been my main draw for watching ARMAGEDDON, so I was mostly thrilled with Part 4. Could have used more fun for Alex and maybe an Esme mention, but it was still great to see her! My one hope is actually that folks watching aren’t discouraged by the fact that the timeline where Ryan and Sophie are married got erased. I actually think it’s an awesome thing that both writers’ rooms recognize how important their relationship is; plus Barry “Barries” up the timeline every other episode of his own show, so who knows what their future will actually look like!

Valerie: I also think it’s a good reminder that Ryan/Sophie is definitely a POTENTIAL future, and that they both have to get their act together to make it come true.

Nic: As for Part 5, can we just…get rid of Thawne? Introduce a new villain? My pie in the sky dream is that Ryan comes back and she and Jefferson Pierce catch up about Anissa, who she’s also become friends with. Basically I want the CWDCTV Black woman group chat to come to life. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask, right?

Valerie: THE DREAM. Also I hope in Part 5, though it seems unlikely based on how this one ended, that we get more of Alex and Ryan interacting with each other. But if not at least we’ll always have this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CXMW85Ap4o5/

I also still want that CWDCTVLGBTQ+ party at the Hold Up, but perhaps that’s for a Batwoman Very Special Five-Episode Event. Maybe we can call that one APOCALYPSE. Or DANGER.

Hey Nic, if Ryan and Alex are both in ARMAGEDDON: Part 5 will you do this again with me?

Nic: Hey Valerie, YES DUH!

Valerie: Great, see you then.

Netflix’s “BBW (Big Beautiful Weirdo)” Is Nicole Byer at Her Sexy, Hilarious Best

Nicole Byer has been around.

I’m about to do the good old hipster thing where I say “Yeah — I knew about them before [insert thing here person is newly known for], you know since they were on [insert show that everyone else has def seen before but for some reason you think you’re the only one who has because you have a complex you’ve yet to work through in therapy].”

But anyway — I’ve known of her before her well-deserved Nailed It fame, and before she started one of her many podcasts, Why Won’t You Date Me? I discovered her while watching MTVs’ talking head show, Girl Code. Like any other twenty-something living at home after college, I watched it on MTV while I ate everything in my parent’s fridge whilst figuring out what was next.

She was always funny, and to be honest, I mostly fucked with her because she was one of the first fat Black girls that wasn’t fictional who was openly talking about all things sex. On her podcast, she continues with that and then welcomes in friends and even past hook-ups to talk about relationships and dating in-depth. And in BBW (Big Beautiful Weirdo), her first stand-alone comedy special for Netflix, she has the opportunity to tell more of her hilariously naughty stories uninterrupted and without rush.

With her valley girl inflections and babed out style, Nicole makes her NYC audience laugh and sometimes cringe with secondhand embarrassment. With her hair in a PERFECT half-up half-down pony, and wearing a leopard print top with a sweet purple pantsuit, she looks like a hot lavender menace. It should be noted that Byer doesn’t do labels; she’s said she would and has dated folks of any gender, but sticking a name on her sexuality just isn’t her vibe. That means that all of you reading have the opportunity to woo, wine, and dine her — but 90% of you probably don’t deserve her so I am wondering who will prevail. 

In the one-hour special she goes through stories that are inherently Nicole Byer. We hear about her time in quarantine which involves a funeral for a cat, get her theory on how the story of our favorite wizard may be inspired by the KKK, and my favorite — her deep want of Gloryholes for girls. Now just like Nicole, I am someone who is persistently craving sex (I was gonna type consistently craving cunt but I know how some of you girls are shy or whatever), so that last bit really hit home. Because as much as she wants to be slurped and suckled at a Gloryhole, I want to squirt in steam at a bathhouse, but alas, we are both left dreaming of our simple sexual wants.

I LOVE how much and how (gosh I hate this buzzword) freely Nicole talks about sex; I always have. It’s one of the things she’s most known for and dare I say, I don’t think she minds that. This special made me think about the times I stayed up late and watched Comicview, where Black women comedians like Lunelle, Sommore, Mo’Nique, and Loni Love talked about fucking in ways that I had never seen big, Black women do. I was used to watching my family laugh at the jokes their male counterparts (who were often fat themselves) made about fat girls, doubling over at what sometimes, yeah, was funny, but most times made me feel like something was off. But when those women hit the stage and took the jokes back — it felt different. Yes, they were making jokes about suffocating the men below them when they were fucking or being the fat friend, but the difference was THEY were the ones telling the jokes. They had the power, and whether or not it was them working through their trauma out through jokes or them just telling stories, it mattered to me that they were the ones in control,. And I felt the same when I watched Nicoles’ standup.

Throughout her career, she has controlled her narrative, and that continues with this special — most obviously present in both the opening credits and the name of it. The title of the special is a play on the term BBW (Big Beautiful Woman), which is mostly known because it’s one of the most popular porn-based search terms, and despite its friendly-sounding name, it’s often meant to be an insult. (Side Note: I’m not even going to get into the fact that so many of you niggas love watching fat women fuck behind closed doors, but then act like you don’t want us IRL because that is a WHOLE other article.) Her body is a topic that comes up occasionally, specifically her body in the realm of sex. But she’s never trying to convince the audience of her self-love — she’s simply talking about her sex life and the wild shit that happens to her sometimes because she happens to be fat.

If you’re coming to this special looking for a hot, fat, Black chick who is doing self-deprecating humor, you might be disappointed. But, if you’re coming to the special looking for a hot, fat, Black chick who is gonna make you laugh by chatting shit about gaining power from the tears of white women, and about helium-voiced nurses with panty stealing kinks, you will be more than happy.

So like I said, Nicole Byer has been around and thanks to this special, she’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

“Yellowjackets” Episode 104 Recap: Feel the Pain

Welcome to your Yellowjackets 104 recap. Pour yourself a chocolate martini or pop your favorite mixtape in your cassette player! It’s time for some dangerous activities like letting hormonal teenagers with zero firearm training hunt live animals and also playing mini golf while drunk on cheap vodka. Catch up on past recaps, and feel free to drop any theories in the comments below. Also, find my thoughts on the main title sequence, which was introduced last week, at the end of this recap!

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Ensemble shows can be tricky in the sense that you want to let viewers spend a little time with every character but also manage to dig deep into each of those characters as individuals. Yellowjackets has so far excelled at striking the right balance between making these episodes still feel like they’re exploring the collective ensemble while also shining a spotlight on specific people week-to-week.

That’s especially crucial on this show, because the mere concept of the individual vs. the collective is baked into its premise. The teens find themselves having to fight to survive — together. But they’re also their own people with their own baggage. Moving as a group is difficult. They’re all processing at different speeds and in different ways. Surviving will require more cohesion, more cooperation. They’re a literal team. They know this. When Travis and Nat team up as hunting partners after being the only two to pass Ben’s prescribed two-round shooting challenge, they’re out of sync. They’re acting as individuals — Travis in particular. He’s focused on getting a ring back from his dead dad’s buried corpse to try to assuage some of Javi’s grief. And when he can’t go through with it, puking as he digs up his decaying dad, Nat steps in and does it for him. She takes out a knife and cuts through bone to get him the ring. He doesn’t deserve this offering from her — he’s a sexist dick all episode. But Nat knows the specific ways he’s hurting. She knows people are messy. Nat also knows they’re only going to get shit done if they work together. And it isn’t until they connect over the damage their dads have done to them that they finally are able to work together. They only speak this Dad Baggage in brief confessions. Travis says his dad never even liked him, and Nat offers this: “It doesn’t matter how shitty they are. It still fucks you up when they’re gone.”

But before we get into all that meat of the episode, I want reiterate this point: To survive, the Yellowjackets must work together. They must adopt a collectivist mindset.

And yet. Working together might have a dangerous side to it, too. Because we’ve seen the places they go together. That cannibalism sequence from the pilot doesn’t look like a bunch of individuals making individual choices. It doesn’t look like an every-person-for-themselves scenario. It looks like a distinctly communal ritual. The risk of groupthink in this case is explicitly lethal.

So yes, back to the crafting of an ensemble narrative. There’s all that happening on the teen side of things, and then there’s the present, where each of these characters — Taissa, Shauna, Nat, and Misty — exist on their own now. They’re trying to live lives completely severed from what happened to them. And yet, they keep being thrown back together. They can never really be rid of each other. Teammates for life. (Misty is definitely a bit of a different case than the other three. She actually does want to be tethered in some way. We’ve seen the lengths she’ll go to in order to be around Nat.) Structurally, the past few episodes of Yellowjackets have checked in with all of these characters, spinning threads between their past and present selves while also spotlighting one in particular. Last week, that was Taissa. The week before, it was Misty. Now, it’s Nat. But I wouldn’t say last week’s episode was Taissa’s Episode and this one is Nat’s Episode. The focus is subtle. And the story development still largely feels so connected and even enmeshed, even if on the surface it seems like the adult versions of the characters are in their own little corners. Yellowjackets isn’t shaped like a square. It’s more of a Möbius strip bending back into itself.

After all, Yellowjackets rather expertly uses time to establish that subtle focus on individual characters episode-to-episode — and not in a linear fashion. Whoever gets the “flashback-within-a-flashback,” so to speak, is our focus character for the week. “Bear Down” opens on the plane crash once again. We see the group collectively screaming and flailing, and then we move in close on Nat. She hallucinates someone next to her. It’s her father, and when he turns, a chunk of his head is missing. “You’ve already got blood on your hands,” he says. Nat wakes up from this nightmare to the cabin, where Lottie is awake and frightened. Nat comforts her by reminding her they buried the skeleton from the attic, and Lottie offers something like a reverse premonition: “Bad things happened here.”

Nat’s backstory, in particular, twists into itself. Last week, we got that great triple Taissa sequence at the end, but even though it all blended into a coherent three-layered horror dip with some overlap, Nat’s memories in “Bear Down” intersect even more. Quite literally. There’s that pop of a memory-hallucination during the plane crash. There’s also a gorgeous and aching sequence when adult Nat returns to her childhood home. Her mother’s still there, using an oxygen tank and offering less than zero affection toward Nat, romanticizing the past when Nat’s father was alive. And even without yet knowing at this point in the episode just how delusional her mother’s interpretation of that time is, her words ring false and twisted. Sitting down, adult Nat watches as her younger teenage self — hair not yet dyed her signature bleach-white blonde but instead dark brown — walks through the door, past a younger version of her mother asleep on the couch, leading a young version of Kevyn to her bedroom so they can talk about Nirvana and Dinosaur Jr., “Feel the Pain” playing on Nat’s boombox. Watching Nat literally watch her past self is devastating. There’s so much feeling and pain there. Without anything needing to be said.

Both young Nat and adult Nat are remembering the same exact day but for different reasons. This narrative conceit doesn’t seem to just be for the sake of convenience but is actually rooted in emotional truth in both instances. Adult Nat flashes back to the day her father caught her in her room with Kevyn because her mission in this episode is to try to get some information out of adult Kevyn. She uses a dash of emotional manipulation to meet these ends, agreeing to dinner with him and convincing him to dig up the toxicology report from Travis’ death. When adult Nat flashes back to this day, we get to see some of the warmth between her and Kevyn. It’s a sharp contrast to her scenes with Travis. Nat might not entirely return Kevyn’s obvious crush, but these two care about each other. She offers to paint his nails black so he doesn’t have to Sharpie them. Cute goth shit! But that warmth is violently interrupted when her dad comes home, yells at them both, and calls Nat a slut after Kevyn scurries away.

Young Nat only recalls that interruption and its aftermath. Only the violence. These flashbacks are brought on by the hunting challenge. When Ben proposes that everyone participate in a series of tests to see who will be in charge of the group’s only gun, the camera moves in on Nat. It’s clear she has some previous experience with a gun, and the second the dad flashbacks start (coupled with that opening image of his blown-off head), the assumption is of course that she killed her father.

Yellowjackets twists this into something else though. In another scene that jumps between two timelines, echoing the Taissa eyeballs sequence from the end of last episode, teen Nat and Travis finally encounter a deer in the woods. Nat’s got the gun. In the past, Nat’s got the gun, too. Her dad taunts her, even as the gun’s pointed right at him. She tries to fire, but the safety’s on, and he yanks the gun out of her hands and belittles her and her mother — who he has brutally beaten — while Nat shakes and cries. In the woods, Nat has forgotten to click off the safety, too, and Travis does it for her, encouraging her to breathe and focus. The fact that both Nats forgot the safety feels meaningful beyond plot contrivance. Nat hasn’t really chosen guns, hasn’t really chosen violence. They’ve happened to her. And they’ve become necessary tools for survival. Surviving her home and surviving the woods. She doesn’t kill her father. He trips and blows his own head off after she screams at him that he’s useless.

It’s easy to see parallels, too, between Nat’s dad and Travis. Nat aims the gun at her dad. During one of the shooting tests, Travis aims the gun at Nat. Just because she called him Flex, a nickname that reminds him of being bullied in seventh grade. Yet he has no problem making a gross and sexist joke about blowjobs to Nat earlier in the episode. Travis has a temper. Travis could be dangerous. Adult Taissa has informed us in dialogue in past episodes that Nat and Travis end up in an ongoing toxic relationship, and it’s easy to see the roots of that taking hold.

Adult Nat is spiraling about Travis’ death from last episode, convinced (probably correctly!) he was murdered. She reiterates this over the phone to Misty, who has an online article pulled up in front of her about what to say and not say to someone grieving suicide. I think it’s safe to say Misty is like a nerdy version of Villanelle in the empathy department. At episode’s end, she calls Shauna to tell her Travis is dead, saying it all through a giant smile. Again, she’s the only one who’s happy the band’s back together. Misty tails Nat’s date with Kevyn, ordering herself a chocolate martini in the process, and she also spots Jessica Roberts doing some spying of her own. Misty — in her Mossimo-ass floral pullover — marches over to Jessica and threatens her. Jessica is very much not threatened (and still delivers every line like it’s a flirtation? Is that just me? Does Rekha Sharma just inevitably ooze chemistry with EVERYONE?!). But it’s true: People don’t see a threat when they see Misty. But they should.

So far, Nat hasn’t really experienced what Misty’s capable of. Sure, Misty messed with her car. But Misty’s capable of much worse forms of manipulation. As an adult, we’ve seen her withhold pain meds from a patient as revenge. And as a teen, she is doing the most to ensure Ben doesn’t want her but needs her. She’s smothering him, not even abiding his simple request that she remain quiet while he tries to defecate and instead singing “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” while he’s in agony. Her chaos knows no bounds! She also kicks Ben’s crutch to make him fall, and the look he gives her suggests he might be catching onto just how devious she is.

Early on, we get explicit confirmation that Shauna slept with Adam at the end of last episode. In “Bear Down,” she goes on a full-day adventure with him. She tells him she wants to make up for her misspent youth, so they sit in a liquor store parking lot in Adam’s car and try to ask someone to buy booze for them like they’re ID-less teens. Two adults doing a bunch of stupid teenage shit because one of them didn’t get to do so in actual high school could easily be the premise of a mumblecore rom-com. It’s sweet and funny. If, you know, you forget that Shauna’s married and also that the real reason she didn’t get to do all these things in high school is because she was in a plane crash and had to survive in the wilderness for nearly two years and ended up getting swept up in ritualistic cannibalism. Really, Shauna’s impulse to turn an affair — already a fantasy space in and of itself — into a fantasy of youth and childlike rebellion is quite disturbing! Quick bursts of horror often interrupt the moments of warmth in “Bear Down,” and that happens just as Adam and Shauna are about to plunge into the river for their last teen activity of the evening, piercing the fantasy. “Someone’s gonna get hurt,” a hallucination of Jackie tells Shauna. It’s the first time we’ve really seen Shauna lose track of reality. But in a way, Jackie’s apparition is more real than what she’s currently doing with Adam.

OKAY, Adam theory time! Last week, I went out on a limb and suggested that Adam is maybe not real/a ghost/a figment of Shauna’s imagination/IDK. I’ve enjoyed that this show is currently making it blurry as to whether anything supernatural is going on. It could go a lot of different ways for a lot of different situations. Does Lottie have some sort of Theodora Crain-esque psychic ability? Is Taissa’s son being manipulated by a spectral presence or has he just inherited her trauma? And who or what is Adam! Yellowjackets remains ambiguous in its narrative underpinnings, and it’s not withholding for the sake of crafting cheap intrigue. It’s genuinely enthralling in its ambivalence! Again, another tricky balancing act. And tbh, the show will have to start delivering some answers/payoff on this front, but for now I’m still very much along for the ride!

All that said, while I’m not formally withdrawing my theory that Adam is Not Real, I have spoken to a bunch of people who are of the belief that he could be a grownup version of Javi, and I think there’s some solid evidence to support that! In this episode, we see young Shauna and young Javi connect when Shauna offers him some sheets of paper from her journal. I’m not fully convinced yet though. I’m most definitely overthinking it, but I just find that the actors who play young Javi and “Adam” have very different mannerisms. And this show has been so intentional and honestly uncanny in the ways it has matched its sets of actors that that alone throws me. But then again, I hope my current self doesn’t have the same exact energy as my adolescent self, because yikes! I wish we had seen what Javi was doing on those pages Shauna gave him — is he drawing and does it look good? Because then, yeah, maybe he became an artist like Adam is.

Adult Taissa’s first scene in the episode provides an intimate look into her marriage with Simone. We’ve seen them mostly in conflict throughout the episode so far, but this scene calls back to the very first time we met these two. In the pilot, Simone softly comforted Taissa when a photographer overstepped with a comment about her traumatic past. It made me wonder how much Simone might know (likely not everything, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the only person Taissa has opened up to a bit). Here, she quizzes Taissa on details about the potential donors that will be at the event they’re readying for. But she also encourages Taissa to be herself, to not make herself fit whatever idea these powerful people have of her. Even if she doesn’t know everything about her past, Simone does really understand and support Taissa. Their marriage feels lived-in and, sure, messy. In the way marriages often are. At the event, the host gleefully informs Taissa that a whole roasted pig (“nose to tail!”) will be served, and Simone’s immediately concerned about her wife. “You forgot to eat beforehand, didn’t you?” she mutters to her.

I’ve been waiting to see if any of the adult Yellowjackets would have complicated relationships with meat. Back in the woods after Nat and Travis fell a deer, there’s a sequence of all the Yellowjackets in close up chowing down on the meat ravenously. Picking at flesh with their hands, juices covering their faces. It’s impossible not to think of the pilot’s scene of characters doing the same with human flesh. (It’s also difficult not to think of the skilled movement of someone slicing a girl’s throat in that pilot when we see Shauna slicing the throat of a deer.) Nat seemed incredulous that Misty would choose to eat jerky last episode. And Taissa is clearly disturbed by animal parts and meat. She downs champagne on an empty stomach and then hallucinates the plattered pig head as a deer head. Circular camerawork here does wonders; Taissa’s time at this event indeed feels like a dizzying display of wealth. And the people there are like vultures when it comes to Taissa and her pain.

After hallucinating a wolf prancing away, she manages to escape from a couple asking invasive questions about the plane crash, seeking solitude in a dark and quiet room away from the party where she can smoke a cigarette in peace. A rich white woman whose endorsement Taissa has been after approaches and, at first, appears as a friend, offering to split a Cliff bar with Taissa. But she’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing, her true nature becoming clear in a subsequent scene where she, too, wants to know what really happened to Taissa. “You trust me, don’t you?” she says before then self-righteously and patronizingly touting everything she has done “for Black women’s causes.” She also tone polices Taissa in the same breath. This racist, entitled bitch thinks she’s owed Taissa’s pain and also her obedience. It’s downright nasty. And it has been a recurring experience of Taissa’s. People are ravenous for her trauma. They mask inappropriate prying as mere curiosity. In essence, they want to cannibalize her story, sensationalize her survival.

Taissa is more than just what happened to her. So are Nat and Shauna. But Taissa gets it far worse from these hungry, rabid trauma porn hellhounds, and I don’t think it’s as simple as her being in the public eye as a politician. She’s also queer and Black, and white and straight people love to consume tragic, traumatic tales of marginalized folks, because it perversely makes them feel good about themselves. Taissa’s pain is hers. Her life is hers. But this woman at the party doesn’t want her to feel that. She’s as much a horror presence as a wolf in the woods.

Last Buzz:

• So! I didn’t really write about the main title sequence last week, because it honestly surprised me! I wanted to wait to really let it sink in. Here’s my conclusion: It rules!!! And I’m told by my director friend (and friend of AS) Carly Usdin that the sequence was done by Digital Kitchen (the team behind other fantastic openings like that of Six Feet Under, Dexter, and True Blood) and that it was shot on handheld DV camcorders. It indeed has a very retro, home-video style but like make it Yellowjackets in the sense that images/shots of these young girls and women have a sharp, ugly edge to them instead of just seeming like your usual suburban smiley camcorder footage. There’s puke! There’s blood! It’s bodied and haunting, much like the series as a whole. Into it. I’m playing with the idea of analyzing one still/shot from it in this “Last Buzz” section in future recaps, so let me know if you’d be into that.
• Credit to my girlfriend for pointing out to me that Misty is drinking from a mug with her pet bird on it! When will we actually meet Caligula?
• Again, this show is so good at establishing tension, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE GODDAMN WATER. Seeing teen Shauna casually swirling her foot around in the water just instantly filled me with dread. It’s extremely possible nothing bad is going to happen in the water at all for the entire season, and yet. I will hold my breath every time? Torture!
• Jackie in her argyle sweater vest is killing me. She does seem like the type of girl who would be concerned with still sporting Looks even at a time like this! Frankly I can relate!
• Also, Jackie and Van are good now because Jackie saved Van’s life when Laura Lee chaotically decided it was a good idea to hop into an abandoned old ass propeller plane the girls came across in the woods and start pushing a bunch of buttons. Laura Lee! Stick to praying.
• Simone being a comp lit professor feels right and good. Love an academic gay.
• Ben provides some expository dialogue: 1. He knows about hunting because his dad used to take him and 2. They don’t have to worry about ammunition because whoever lived in the cabin before had so much it looked like he was preparing for an apocalypse.
• Before Nat shuts her down, Misty suggests they can “pop some pins in the old cork board” and solve Travis’ murder case together. Misty offers her own cork board but also assumes Nat’s got one, too. Also, later on, Nat yells at Misty that they’re not Rizzoli & Isles, to which I say: But couldn’t you be!!!!!!! Where is my Nat & Misty: Citizen Detectives spinoff!
• (I didn’t search “Misty Quigley/Natalie ‘Nat’ Scatorccio” on ao3 YOU DID. But also there’s only one fic in there? Help me, homosexuals.)
• Are you listening to the official playlist? I can’t stop listening to the official playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6JihB3z7CClETggkGDnFPg?si=bEvpO1TaRLi7QUj2R9gR2A

Boobs on Your Tube: Ryan Wilder and Alex Danvers, Together at Last!

We had our December TV Editorial Team meeting this morning, and y’all are not ready for the ten million lesbian Christmas movies coming our way. We couldn’t even keep the titles straight (lol). Heather actually wrote about one of them already this week: Hallmark’s An Unexpected Christmas! And so buckle up your reindeer ’cause there’s an avalanche more coming next week. Also maybe next year? Aubrey Plaza says there’s gonna be a Happiest Season 2.

Until then: Carmen reviewed the new season of Saved By The Bell, which has landed on Peacock and given us an Afro-Latina love story straight out of the Zack and Kelly playbook. Carmen also recapped the newest episode of Twenties! Kayla recapped an all-new Yellowjackets, the queer show that’s got everybody buzzin’. And Riese let us know what’s new and gay and streaming this month.

Notes from the TV Team:

+ Wildmoore. That’s all. — Heather

+ I’m sorry y’all, I know I owe you Home Economics and Queens updates! I’ve been doing more full length tv and film writing the last few weeks and it’s been taking time. But I’ll be back soon! Can’t wait to see what the lesbians are up to! — Carmen

+ Last season on The Equalizer, Queen Latifah Robyn’s Aunt Vi decided to try her luck on a dating app. When it came to choose the gender of prospective suitors, she scoffed at the thought of limiting herself to men: “why limit it?” she asked. It was a throwaway line and I nearly forgot about it, until this week, when a past love of Vi’s re-emerges (sort of). Her ex’s daughter tracks her down based on a portrait Vi drew when they were in college. Vi resists at first but eventually agrees to meet with a love that she thought time had forgotten. — Natalie

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Hightown 206: “Behind Every Skirt is a Slip”

Written by Natalie

For a minute, it looked like Jackie Quiñones had finally found happiness: she had a job that gave her purpose, one that she was actually good at. She had a girlfriend (sort of), a supportive chosen family and, most importantly, her sobriety. But over the last few episodes, that’s all unraveled: her informant is dead, her girlfriend has ghosted her and she’s grossly offended her Ed, the head of her chosen family. All she has left is her sobriety and Jackie spends all of “Behind Every Skirt” trying to hold on.

Jackie heads into work, more interested in finally talking to Leslie than doing any actual work, but when she finally crosses paths with her partner in the office kitchen, Leslie refuses to have the conversation. Jackie pushes — “wait, we can fuck at work but we can’t talk at work?” — but Leslie stands firm: she won’t allow anyone else in the office to witness dissension between them. Even though she doesn’t allow Jackie to have her say, Leslie makes her position clear: they were supposed to be nothing serious but Jackie took things too far, too fast. To put some distance between them, Leslie insists that Jackie take a sick day.

Heartbroken, Jackie tries to find some comfort. She goes to Ray first but between his disdain for Leslie — he told Jackie to stay away from her — and his rekindled affair with the woman who ruined his life, he doesn’t have time for her. She reaches out to Ed to apologize for lashing out at him following their stakeout. He accepts her apology — he acknowledges that some of what she said was true — but the damage has been done: Jackie no longer has a seat at his table for Thanksgiving. Jackie retreats to an AA meeting for some comfort but finds no solace there. She storms out and heads straight to a bar…a bar in which her ex-girlfriend, Devon, happens to be having a drink.

Unable to find any comfort for her pain, Jackie aims to sate it by pressing against a familiar body. After years of dealing with Jackie’s fuckboi shit, though, Devon is impervious to Jackie’s charms. Thankfully, though, Devon’s friend, Riyah, is more than willing to take her place. The hook-up does not go well — at least not for Jackie, Riyah at least gets an orgasm out of it — and Jackie abruptly ousts Riyah from her bed. Left to her own devices, Jackie still can’t find relief. After an unhelpful visit from Ray, Jackie decides to finish that conversation with Leslie. The interaction is painful and realistic: Jackie’s utterly heartbroken while Leslie is cold and detached. She chalks their entire dalliance up to just having fun but Jackie insists there was more to their relationship. The text, Jackie says, scared Leslie because it made her realize that she had feelings for Jackie.

Leslie: When you told me you loved me, I realized I wasn’t being fair to you because I don’t feel the same way. Because I’m straight, which I told you from the beginning.
Jackie: So, when you were eating my pussy, that was you being straight?

(I was not expecting the jolt of euphoria I got from hearing Jackie say that.)

Leslie dismisses Jackie and she ends up at the one place that won’t turn her away: her parents’ home. Unfortunately, her mother’s not there, but her fuckboi father invites her in for a beer. There goes Jackie’s sobriety.

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The Sex Lives of College Girls 103-105: “Le Tuteur,” “Kappa” and “That Comment Tho”

Written by Natalie

Feeling suffocated by the pressure of maintaining a façade, Leighton decided to booze it up on the Essex College grounds and, of course, she gets caught. She tries to buy her way out of a punishment but the University President insists she take some responsibility: he sentences her to 100 hours of community service at the women’s center. Leighton goes, begrudgingly, and tries to set the terms of her service but the center’s volunteer coordinator, Alicia, won’t be budge. She insists that Leighton show up when they need help and chastises her for mocking the center’s work. It’s enough to send Leighton rushing back to the President’s office to offer a larger donation in lieu of her community service hours. For me, though, the confrontation got my hopes up about one of my personal favorite tropes: enemies to lovers!

Unable to bribe her way out of community service, Leighton returns to the women’s center for poetry night. It is, predictably, bad but Leighton keeps herself entertained by pilfering the center’s wine and snacks. Alicia reminds Leighton that she’s at the women’s center to actually work and won’t be given credit for her hours. Later, as they’re cleaning up, Leighton urges Alicia to take things a little less seriously. She justifies her mid-show laughter by pointing out that the performers were actually terrible. Alicia admits that she’s right but encourages her to mock people behind their backs like a normal human being. Leighton promises to be less of a “dumb cis bitch.”

Days later, Leighton finally gets the envelope she’s been (seemingly) waiting her whole life for: an invitation to the Kappas’ pre-rush brunch. But she’s not the only member of the suite to get one: Whitney, the freshman phenom soccer player who’s secretly hooking up with her assistant coach, also scores an invite. At the brunch, Whitney struggles to find her footing amongst a sea of Ashleys/Ashleighs/Ashlees while Leighton tries to ingratiate herself to the Kappas by showcasing her encyclopedic knowledge about each and every one of them. It feels kinda stalkerish, honestly, but the Kappa president — Quinn, AKA Future Leighton — offers her a slight reprieve. During their solo conversation, Quinn lets her know that Cory, Nico’s fraternity brother, is interested in her. Leighton knew that already, though, and has been trying to avoid his advances whenever they cross paths. But when Quinn tries to push them both together, Leighton can’t say no. After a shift at the women’s center, Leighton meets up with Cory who is, admittedly, taken aback by her about face. She apologizes for her behavior and tells Cory that she likes him. She kisses him and, despite her assurances to Alicia, actually does sleep with Cory on the first date.

But later, when Leighton spots Cory at the biggest Theta party of the year, she goes out of her way to avoid him. She spends time with her roommates — helping Bela make sense of her predatory editor’s actions — and playing hostess for her friends from the women’s center. Much to the chagrin of her brother, Leighton invites Alicia and Ginger to the Thetalympics, in hopes that they might see that fraternity’s aren’t the misogynistic nightmares they’ve been protesting against. For a while, it looks like Leighton’s plan might actually work — Alicia develops an easy rapport with Nico and they spend the evening doing keg stands and beer curling together — but when a drunken frat bro insults Alicia, things go awry. Alicia stands up for herself but Leighton pulls her away from the fight. Alicia questions whose side Leighton is actually on and storms out. Leighton follows close behind, explaining that she was only trying to keep Alicia from getting hurt. She apologizes for the frat bro’s behavior and assures Alicia that she’s never seen them treat anyone else like that.

“Of course you haven’t,” Alicia retorts. “I’m just this queer girl that they can’t fuck but you? You’re this pretty, blonde, straight girl who they actually think is worthy of respect.”

Leighton insists that Alicia’s wrong about her but Alicia remains unconvinced. Leighton tries to summon the words but can’t, so she just kisses Alicia instead. A shocked Alicia pulls away, dismayed that she got Leighton so wrong, but Leighton silences her with another kiss. They return to Alicia’s apartment, hook up — though, it happens entirely off-screen, unlike the straight sex scenes — and after it’s over, Leighton tries to sneak away. Alicia is sympathetic to Leighton’s need to escape but invites her to Netflix and chill with her. Leighton, much to my surprise, agrees.

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Legacies 407: “Someplace Far Away From All This Violence”

Written by Valerie Anne

After reading a TVD recap about the time Caroline turned off her humanity and Stefan helped her switch it back on with a memory of her mother, Josie gets the Super Squad together to make a plan to get Hope to do the same. Before they have time enough to plan, Hope shows up to get some weapons, but our Hope is still in there somewhere, so she doesn’t kill them all immediately. In fact, she even lets them attempt to turn her humanity back on by way of a variety show of friendship. When that proves futile and Hope says some mean things to all her peers, Dark Josie comes out to go face to face with Dark Hope.

Dark Josie tells Hope that she has turned humanities back on with a snap before, and that betrays a hint of fear in Hope, and she thinks that will help her get Hope’s humanity back on. “Even the almighty Tribrid can’t outrun her trauma forever,” Dark Josie threatens, but Hope just says, “Watch me.”

Hope manages to knock Dark Josie over but when she zips over to finish her off, it’s regular Josie’s sweet eyes looking up at her. Eyes that have only ever been full of kindness for her. Josie faces Hope, unafraid, and when Hope realizes that Josie is the first real threat to her humanity switch that she’s encountered so far, she freezes her.

The squad rightly thinks this is a sign that there’s still some of their Hope left inside the Tribrid, and they tuck Josie into the Therapy Box until they can figure out how to unfreeze her. But as Josie goes in, Lizzie comes out, and she’s willing to do what no one else is, to save her sister, to save them all. She’s willing to kill Hope.

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The Flash 801-803: “Armageddon Parts 1-3”

Written by Valerie Anne

Ryan and Alex finally showed up in this 5-Episode Event at the very end of Part 3, so now that it seems likely we’ll get more of them in the next episode, I wanted to give you a little ARMAGEDDON primer so Nic and I can get right into yelling about them next week.

The overall premise is that an alien from the future, Despero, has come back in time to kill Barry, because according to him, in the next 10 years, Barry will lose his mind and destroy the world.
Team Flash manages to convince Despero to give them a chance to prove The Flash wouldn’t hurt his friends, let alone the world, but it seems something is indeed messing with Barry’s mind, causing him to have rage blackouts. Plus, when Barry mentions his adoptive father/father-in-law, everyone is horrified because Joe died six months ago. And I’ll admit, I missed a handful of Season 7 episodes, but I watched the finale, so I was 90% sure Joe didn’t die on screen. But as Barry lost grip with reality, so did I.

The first Alex Danvers appearance is when Caitlin calls her for alien advice. Kara is “off-world” so she helps them the best she can from afar. At the end of Part 3, Barry runs to the future to get more clues about what made him snap, and he finds himself at Iris’s engagement party…to his nemesis and mine, Eobard Thawn, aka the Reverse Flash. There they are, happily in love, witnessed by two of Iris’s gay best friends, Ryan Wilder and Alex Danvers, looking hardly a day older than the last time we saw them, let alone a decade. The episode ends with our ladies (et al) turning to confront Barry, so here’s hoping that’s where we pick back up again next week.

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Riverdale 603: “Mr. Cypher”

Written by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Welcome back to Rivervale, the five-part ~event~ that boldly asks the question: What if Riverdale but FULL THROTTLE FANTASY? This week, the devil comes to town, going by the name of Mr. Cypher, first name Lou…as in Lou Cypher. Lucifer. You get it!!! Jughead Jones sets the episode up in direct address, saying it’s a tale of the devil coming to town to make little deals with townsfolk in exchange for their souls, prompting my girlfriend to say “okay Needful Things by Stephen King!”

The King parallels do not stop there. Last week’s ep had some Christine vibes in Reggie’s storyline. And it seems that this little Rivervale experiment is all building to a very The Stand-esque final showdown between good and evil.

I’ll keep this week’s recap brief, because Cheryl and Toni make nary an appearance! But since I’m heavily invested in the overall Rivervale arc, I didn’t wanna skip this installment. Here’s what goes down for each character:

Jughead interviews the devil, because he thinks it’ll be good for his writing career. He makes a deal that will grant him success for this ONE profile of the devil (“I can’t imagine anything more boring than hearing the life story of satan” – my girlfriend with the gems this week!). In turn, he will never be able to write again. This leads him to make a second deal with the devil, exchanging his soul for the ability to write once more.

Reggie and Veronica open a casino! Reggie sells his soul in exchange for the devil’s investment. Veronica comes up with a solution by instead offering the devil the soul of Nick St. Clair, who should indeed rot in hell. But it turns out Reggie ALSO sold Veronica’s soul to the devil?! Which he tries to walk back by being like babe I only sold your soul to the devil because I knew you’re so smart and talented and could find a way out. Well bitch does she ever! She sacrifices Reggie to the devil, confirming my theory that a major character will die in each of these five installments. Also, when Veronica still thinks it might be her last night on earth before the devil collects her soul, she gives a performance of Lady Gaga’s “Marry the Night” while men dressed as sexy devils dance around her. I…love this show.

Kevin Keller sold his soul in a heartbeat in exchange for musical stardom.

TABITHA IS VISITED BY A GUARDIAN ANGEL WHO GIFTS HER A VIAL OF THE VIRGIN MARY’S TEARS THAT THEY USE TO CONSECRATE POP’S DINER AND WARD OFF THE DEVIL BY SLIPPING TEARS IN HIS MILKSHAKE.

Betty is paid a visit by the Trashbag Killer except it’s actually the devil who tells her there’s something “100% evil” inside her and then tricks her into murder-stabbing her ex boyfriend Glen. Awkward!

Alice Cooper drinks a cranberry spritzer.

And that’s this week’s Rivervale for you. Have you seen next week’s promo yet? Sabrina Spellman comes to town, and uhhhhhh Betty? And Cheryl???? KISSING???? I mean, I think the actresses are playing ancestors of Betty and Cheryl for that particular moment but!!!! There will seemingly be much to discuss next week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0C2UGMFpVI&feature=emb_title

“Saved by the Bell” Gives Us a Bisexual Afro-Latina Teen Love Story Ripped Right From Zack and Kelly’s Playbook

I sat down this week to watch the second season of the Saved by the Bell reboot, with the promise of a super sweet bisexual teen storyline, fully expecting it to be a light, fluffy thing.

I watched the original SBTB every day after school all through my very 90s childhood, I’ve seen it when they go to college, when they worked at a resort in Hawaii, the one last TV movie when they went to Vegas and got married. And everything in between! I adored the reboot’s first season  — which was campy, hilarious, and surprisingly self-skewering? (All those elements are still present in the second season by the way, even if the pacing is a bit more uneven). It’s succeed because it smartly took the original and turned it inside out, becoming a smart ass commentary about inequality and privilege in public education without losing any of the candy-colored silly heart that made the original beloved for more than a decade.

As you can see, I have a lot to say! So maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised when I looked up from my 10 episode binge-sprint and large box of pepperoni pizza to find out that my “light, fluffy” review now had… *checks notes* GULP! 3k words worth of notes!! Oh fuck.

I will spare you the pain of reading all of my deep dive thoughts about race, queerness, gender, privilege, and satire for a show that most of learned to watch while devouring a bowl of sugary cereal in our pajamas. Instead I’ll say this: If you can take over the top humor in the classic style of a mid-90s Saturday morning on TNBC (if you were there, you know), then this season of Saved by the Bell is here to help fill a hole in your nerdy gay heart.

In case you missed the first season, let’s catch up! The new Saved by the Bell, which you can find on Peacock, basically goes like this: Zack Morris somehow became the Governor of California (details not important), stayed married to his high school sweetheart Kelly Kapowski and they now have a son named Mack (Mitchell Hog) who’s currently attending the infamous Bayside High. Oh, and Slater is the PE teacher/football and wrestling coach, and Jessie is now the school counselor. Cool! When Governor Zack accidentally slashes California’s public school budget, schools in low-income neighborhoods are forced to close down. The students at one of those schools, Douglas High, end up getting bussed to Bayside. And that’s where the fun begins.

The new show is surprisingly little about Zack or his mini-me Mack (by the way Zack eventually loses his job as Governor, because of course), and it is very much about the brown and Black kids whose world has been turned upside down. The new time-stopping, fourth-wall-breaking narrator is Latina book nerd overachiever and student activist Daisy (Haskiri Velazquez) and her best friend Aisha (Alycia Pascual-Peña), prototypical jock — quarterback of the football team and budding wrestling champion — is going to be our new favorite bisexual. She doesn’t know it yet, so let’s keep it a secret between me and you.

When the second season opens up, there are some brief lampooning flashbacks to our lives in Covid and what it was like remote-learning as students, but pretty quickly the show establishes itself in a fictional “post-pandemic” era and gets right back to the business of cracking jokes. The football season has been cancelled because football is dangerous to your brain and spine duh, so Aisha has picked up wrestling. Resident high school queen bee and drama queen Lexie (Josie Totah — whose comic timing continues to grow with her over the years) gets caught up in some sports-adjacent drama of her own, when in episode five (“From Curse to Worse”) a neighboring high school West Beverly tries to enacts a anti-trans sports ban, like so many of the ones that have swept our country over the last year as thinly veiled  hate laws directly targeting trans kids.

Now understand this, high femme queen Lexie has never played a sport that isn’t cheerleading in her life, but by proximity she gets unwillingly thrust into the moment’s spotlight. And remember the 3k worth of notes I told you about earlier? At least half of them come from this episode.

It’s definitely an “After School Special” — which I think would have bothered me more if were talking about literally anything other than Saved by the Bell, an archetype of the genre. It also wraps with an incredible delicacy that keeps the skewering tone that’s come define the reboot, without losing any of the emotional punch thanks to a knockout performance by Josie Totah. It ultimately drives home the importance of trans and queer communities, and our joy, especially for teens. It also gets into the nuances of what is “trans” or “queer” enough, particular at a time where we are bombarded with daily news stories reminding us of how many people hate us simply for living (something that Lexie touches on directly and if I never expected Saved by the Bell to draw tears, well today was the day).

Still, and that’s not to take anything away from a sincerely good episode that might be my favorite of the season, if we’re going to talk about Lexie as a trans teen girl living in 2021, her transness could be brought up at other points in the season that aren’t about hardship. Of course Lexie is always trans even when it’s not mentioned in the show, and it barely ever is! She has an adoring goofy boyfriend, a lackey to bully like all good mean girls before her, and a crew that loves her. But if we’re going to go there, I’d love to see her transness brought up in other contexts that aren’t rooted in her traumas.

The Very Special LGBT Episode also introduces us to Chloe (perennial favorite Ariela Barer), who is the head of PRISM — Bayside’s LGBT Club. Chloe develops a very adorable crush on Aisha that plays out over the back half of the season. And when I tell you that I love these Latina dorks and their dorky-ass love with all of my heart!! I am a full grown person, but I could not stop squee’ing at my television like some kind of tween.

As Aisha is working through her own feelings — she’s always known she’s bisexual, those crushes on Sue Bird, Janelle Monáe and that one mannequin at PacSun with the bikini top and board shorts weren’t for nothing! But she’s never felt them for a girl she’s known in real life before — she finds herself turning to Lexie, who up until this point has always been something of a frenemy. I loved the subtle nod to solidarity between these queer and trans teen girls of color, it’s a knowing wink to how our communities find each other, even in predominately white and cis and straight environments. Aisha also randomly breaks out into a British accent straight out of Bridgerton (her words, not mine) due to nerves and Chloe takes to chanting “cool cool cool cool cool” while walking away when her gay feelings overwhelm her. What did I tell you! LATINA! DORKS! IN! LOVE!!!

The season wraps with having to take down those losers at Valley in a contest of school spirit, because of course it does, it’s Saved By the Bell. While all that’s going on, Aisha and Chloe get have many, and I mean many iconic high school couple moments, ripped right out of the Zack and Kelly playbook. Except this time make it Latina, and queer.

You will smile. You will laugh. You will draw little hearts over the television with your fingers and embarrass yourself.

(I didn’t have time to fit it into this review but there’s also an excellent episode dedicated to Aisha, and the ways that Spanish-speaking students, especially those who speak Caribeñe Spanish, are policed for their language use in schools that ends with AC Slater taking back his given name of AC Sanchez and brought back up very specific, very painful memories of my childhood AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SBTB MAKING ME CRY DAMNIT!!)

With Saved by the Bell, Gentefied, and yes even Generation Q — queer Afro-Latinas are having quite a year on television, which is something I hope to write more about when I have the time. But for now I’m here to celebrate bisexual jock and Bayside legend Aisha Garcia, who has an enviable wardrobe, a killer sense of humor, and ya damn right — gets the girl.

“Twenties” Episode 208 Recap: Case of the Ex

Welcome back to your Twenties recap, episode 208 — otherwise known The L Word Season Five when everyone was sleeping with each other’s exes (don’t worry, no one’s actually cheating on Idina — yet).

In our last episode, we took a Girl’s Trip (© Tracy Oliver, 2017) to fake!Sundance otherwise known as Moondance. Hattie and Idina tried for a romantic getaway, but ended up in a few couple’s arguments, one of which was about if Hattie should send out her script to Ida’s possible ex Alicia, who had agreed to help her get it to a manager. I got very annoyed at Hattie’s immaturity and then Marie agreed to distract me by sleeping with her white bae-boss. Which brings us too…

Marie sure did have sex with that white man! I’ve been saying this, but I think that the agreement to open up her relationship with Chuck (it was her idea, in fact!) has never solely been about him being bisexual. My good sis has been pressed tight in a number of ways; I’ve never seen someone more in need to let loose a little. I’m excited by the possibility that through these explorations, she might learn a few new things about herself.

Unfortunately, this will not be one of those times. Marie heads home and rather than be honest with Chuck about sleeping with white bae-boss at Moondance, Marie lies and says she has to “wash the plane off.”

Despite all the odds, I’m really rooting for Marie and Chuck to work! And I maintain that opening their relationship was the right next step for them as couple, but it won’t work with these heavy-loaded silences and dishonesty.

Meanwhile, at Idina’s apartment, the writing group is back in session and the general consensus on Hattie’s script is the same as what Idina said last episode and what Ida said five episodes before that — Hattie’s script is not ready. But too bad for that, Hattie already sent it out to Alicia’s connect! Now she’s sweating as she waits to hear back from potential new manager.

Hattie seems to think that all she has to do is get picked up by a manager to level up her career, but the group encourages her to consider this more deeply. One of the men in group says that a manager is a lot like picking a spouse — which, as a writer, isn’t a sentiment that I completely agree with, but is completely worth it for Idina’s bright smile as she leans in and says with more than a little hint of smug, “She getting better at that.”

The next day, Hattie, Marie, and Nia are all having lunch together at the studio lot (it’s been so long since we’ve seen the three of them hanging together! Especially to be a show about three best friends. More of this please!) — Marie’s barely listening because she’s thinking about white bae, Hattie’s nervous because today is her meeting with her potential manager, and Nia is.. taking selfies. NIA!! C’mon!! In my Tyra Banks voice 🗣 I was rooting for you!!

It’s the kind of lunch when you’re with your friends, but none of you are actually hearing each other because everyone is talking past each other about their own bullshit. Which isn’t a critique! That’s what friendship is like sometimes, I respect the realness of it. The main takeaways are that Hattie has hurt feelings that Marie never sent her script around like Alicia did, Marie says Hattie’s script isn’t ready (Hattie: “Are you and Idina in the same group chat or something?”). She cautions Hattie not to become tokenized by her new manager. And Nia wants Big Sister Dear White People out of her damn house.

At the office of her maybe new manager, Drew Fowler, Hattie runs into a very smiley Alicia working the hell out of her yellow suit. Hattie and Alicie’s mouths talk about work, but their eyes talk “you see how good I look, right?” Then Alicia bounces on out of there and Drew calls Hattie into the meeting.

We have a lot (and I mean a lot) of lesbian antics to get to in this episode, so I’m going to cut to the chase: Drew seems much more straightforward than Marie feared, and acknowledges (like Idina, Marie, Ida and literally anyone who has ever met Hattie) that her script isn’t ready point blank. He says that him and Hattie need each other — she needs a manager, despite her flaws, and he needs more writers of color on his roster. He believes he can help Hattie tighten up her work and get to that next level. I dunno y’all, I found his honesty refreshing? There’s still a lot of bad potential here, but my gut is agreeing with Hattie and she signs with him. So we’re giving Drew a pass for the rest of this episode because it’s time to get get gaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Pull out your popcorn.

There were three reasons I knew that Ida — in all of her make my knees weak, ice cold, mean femme glory — would be coming back to us today.

1.  Because Idina was so adorable when she said that Hattie was “getting better” about picking life partners. If there is one thing Twenties famously is about, it’s about Hattie making mistakes — not good choices. That means we’re due for a big one.
2. Because of Alicia’s whole deal. I guess we have no official proof that she’s Ida’s ex? But their relationship consists of trying to make the other jealous, and there was no way Alicia was keeping Hattie’s come up to herself if she could rub Ida’s face in the mud with it. Absolutely n o n e.
3.  Because Idina and Hattie are happy together. Here they’re on the couch, having mature conversations about career paths and being a writer who dates other writers. They’re blissfully making out. Hattie tells Idina, “thank you for being the best girlfriend that I’ve ever had in life.”

So you know.

YOU JUST FUCKING KNOW.

Mid daylight-drenched kiss, wrapped in the arms of her new girlfriend that she’s quickly seeing herself build a life with, that’s when Hattie phone rings and Ida walks back into her life. Nothing like the timing of an ex-girlfriend with an axe to grind. It’s the way of our people. Sun rises, sun sets, dykes are gonna drama.

To her credit, Hattie sees Ida’s name, turns the phone face down, and continues with her make out. But this is just round one. Ida’s gearing up for the Tyson-Holyfield fight.

But before we return to what’s up Ida’s sleeve, can we pause for a second on Chuck’s very cute lil homosexual basketball date? He’s playing with the man he was flirting with at the gay bar back in 206 and at one point he very awkwardly and adorable wonders aloud, “can I ask how you identify?” Which just left me making little baby doe eyes at the screen because nothing is harder than being new at being gay!! I was really hoping they were going to kiss, but instead they just play some very erotic and sweaty basketball and listen ok… it’s hot. This is a safe space. We can say that here.

It ends with Chuck, lost so deep in his own thoughts that I thought steam was going to rush out of his head, being comforted, “Do me a favor? Take a deep breath. You’re gonna be alright.”

You sure are, baby!

Ok so leaving the wading pool of baby bisexuals and being thrown into the forest of high powered lesbians who should be feared, Nia is called into a one-on-one meeting with Ida on the set of Cocoa’s Butter.

Somehow Nia didn’t get the memo that if your best friend breaks up with her girlfriend, who is also your boss, and then you are pulled into a private meeting — that’s a red flag. So she’s surprised when Ida, barely breaking her stride as she packs up scripts for the day, informs her that she’s being written off the show.

[And now wait now, hold on — what Ida is doing is bad! It is awful, petty, and dangerous! It should not be emulated or glamorized! In any real life situation, Nia’s next stop should absolutely be to HR.]

[I need to say all that so I can get to what I have to say next: IDA STEP ON MY NECK, RUN ME OVER, AND MAKE IT HURT REAL GOOD PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU whew ahem — had to get that one out of my system!!! I’m but one simple queer woman, I was not built to withstand the pressure. You understand.]

Nia’s crying, tears streaming down her face. She asks what she could have possibly done wrong! Ida crosses the room in three steps, towering over her, eyes narrowed, her voice husks (see my previous statement, STEP ON MY NECK AND RUN ME OVER PLEASE I BEG YOU):

“Nia, do me a favor. Tell Hattie she owes me a phone call.”

Now, is this line of dialogue unrealistic in a firing setting? Yes m’am.

And again, should Ida be brought to HR? Yes m’am.

But also, and I must:

So Nia, still crying buckets, is back at her apartment and calls Hattie — who hasn’t been picking up her phone all day because *shoulder shrug* “I’m tryna cut down on my screen time.”

At first Hattie cannot believe that Ida would be so petty as to fire Nia over their relationship, and you know what? Maybe she didn’t? Maybe it really was time for Valentina the character to come to an end (we’ve been given hints before that the fans don’t like her) — but also have you met Ida? No way pettiness isn’t on the menu. Which means that Ida gets what she wants, Hattie finally calls her back.

Hattie wants to talk about Nia, but Ida waves it off. She lowers the register on voice so impossibly deep, it’s like gravel. The camera zooms in on her nude painted lips.

She tells Hattie congratulations on getting a manager (told y’all to look out for Alicia!), but it sounds more like “do you remember that thing my tongue does?”. Then she reminds Hattie to keep working on her script, but it sounds more like ”I remember that time you made my toes curl.” And finally she says if Hattie ever needs her help, she knows where to find her, but I swear to you all I heard was ”we both know, your new girlfriend don’t do it like me.”

Here’s what is frustrating — clearly the scene is supposed to be hot! And ok, I clearly got into it, so maybe it was a little hot. And just last week, I was begging for Ida to come home to us! But not like this. I haven’t been a fan of Nia’s boring social media plot, but she didn’t deserve to be axed over someone else’s dyke drama. And Ida didn’t deserve to be brought back only to become some vengeful femme villain straight out of Basic Instinct. None of this is right.

But oh wait! A fourth lesbian fighter has entered the match!

That night, while in bed with Idina, Hattie works on her script. She gets a text from Alicia, who of course just happens to let Hattie know that she “loves a late night [writing] session” and did she mention? “I do my best work at night.”

Remember what I said about one-upping Ida?

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Post-Credit Notes:

+ Marie had an awkward run in with white bae-boss at work that might unintentionally send her back into the arms of Iman Shumpert. I’m still very much here for her hoe phase.

+ HEyyyyYY Vanessa Williams!!

+ Quote of the episode: “The only person I’m in competition with is myself. You run your race; I’ll run mine.” — Idina, who deserves better than what’s coming for her.

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Idina would be a mistake I’d gladly make: 1 (she was so cute playing bootleg Uno!)

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Hattie would be a mistake I’d gladly make:  2 (I liked her confidence during the manager meeting; and I still think Hattie is making bad choices, but her voice was doing this hoarse thing during the card game that got me)

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Ida would be a mistake I’d gladly make:  ALL OF IT. LITERALLY ALL OF IT. And yes, I am ashamed. I’ll take it to therapy.

There’s Something About a Scary Woman With Questionable Morals

“There’s Something About” is a series where writers chat about the type of babes that make them all hot and bothered by showing you fictional Pop Culture hotties that fit the bill.

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Maybe it’s because I had my first kiss with a goth girl who spent a lot of time in detention and was weirdly obsessed with John Dillinger. Maybe it’s because I’m a thrill-seeking, Aries Sun/ Scorpio Rising, top-leaning switch who loves a challenge but — I’ve always adored bold women who rattle my sense of right and wrong.

So please enjoy this list of fictional characters who made me the homosexual I am today.

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Morticia Addams — The Addams Family

I grew up watching the 1991 film The Addams Family and its sequel The Addams Family Values, in which Anjelica Houston stars as the vampiric femme fatale of my dreams who also lacks any concern about her family’s physical safety. Morticia only gently rebukes Wednesday when she tries to electrocute Pugsley (just for fun) and doesn’t seem rattled when her children attempt to murder their infant sibling by throwing him off a roof. But she wins my adoration with swoon-worthy quotes like, “I’m just like any modern woman trying to have it all…I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.”

Annalise Keating — How to Get Away With Murder

Viola Davis is undeniably powerful, and when she’s playing the stern, power-suit-wearing lawyer/ law professor Annalise Keating, her Hot Older Woman Appeal intensifies. Sure, she lies her face off and attempts to cover up a murder. But as far as I’m concerned, Annalise can do whatever she wants.

Faith — Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Most queer folks who grew up watching Buffy are Willow/Tara fans, and while I appreciate Willow/Tara as one of TV’s first witches-loving-witches couples, those characters were too soft for me. I like women with an edge. Faith, while not explicitly queer, was queer-coded enough for teenage me to fantasize about getting her dark lipstick all over my face. Did she technically kill a guy? And did she technically switch bodies with Buffy to avoid punishment from the Watcher’s Council? And did she technically send a bunch of teenagers to their death during the battle against the First Evil? Yeah, but let’s focus on the leather pants, shall we?

Dr. Callie Torres — Grey’s Anatomy

Let it be known that I had a crush on Callie BEFORE the character’s bisexual awakening. Please, for a moment, imagine my UTTER DELIGHT in 2008 when I, a senior in high school at the time, got to watch my fictional crush start a woman-doctor-on-woman-doctor romance on TV. Callie may have a heart of gold, but she’s quick-tempered and definitely a little scary — her favorite part of orthopedic surgery is the part where she gets to break bones. She also makes some questionable choices, like when she incites a custody battle with Arizona and when she starts dating Penny (who, for the record, is painfully boring in comparison to Callie’s other lovers — #CalzonaForever). Despite her impulsive decisions, Callie always charms her way back into my heart.

Theo Crain — The Haunting of Hill House

I’ve managed to watch this incredibly morbid series in its entirety three times, mostly because I love a character study with paranormal elements, but also because I’m a sucker for any angry queer woman who has psychic powers that REQUIRE HER TO WEAR LEATHER GLOVES AT ALL TIMES (?!?!). ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! There must have been at least one kinky person in that writers room. Theo yells — a lot. And she rarely considers the impact of her harsh words. She also tries to kiss her older sister’s husband after her younger sister’s funeral. At least she’s willing to own up to her mistakes. I couldn’t care less about Shane fucking a bridesmaid, but when Theo did the same thing, I rejoiced.

Bette Porter — The L Word

I don’t have to explain this one. Bette speaks for her damn self.

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Thank you for appreciating these women with me. Now go out there and make some dubious life choices!

December 2021: Whats New, Gay and Streaming on Netflix, Amazon Prime Video, Hulu, HBO Max and Peacock

Tis the season for a new batch of LGBT content to land upon Netflix, Hulu, HBO Max, Amazon Prime Video and Peacock and we have a real smorgasbord this month, my friends!

Feature image includes “Sara Ramirez on the set of “And Just Like That…” in Foley Square on November 22, 2021 in New York City. (Photo by Bobby Bank/GC Images)”

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Who All’s Gay Here On Netflix for December 2021

Honestly Netflix did a lot for us last month so I will give them a pass on this month’s poor showing. However they’ve got a lot of new stuff there’s not much info on yet, so who knows what could turn up!

Chloe (2009) – December 1
Another entry in the “problematic when it was all we had but kinda fun in the 2020s” is this stupid thriller starring Amanda Seyfried as Chloe, a sex worker hired by gynecologist Catherine (Julienne Moore) to find out if her husband is having an affair

Wild Things (1998) – December 1
This movie is bad in a very fun way and there is girl-on-girl action that was honestly inspirational in 1997 and I will likely never discover if it holds up!

Elite: Short Stories – December 15 – 23
A new set of shorts about our favorite murder-adjacent teens will roll out through December. None of the queer female characters are the focus of these particular stories but they will however it seems make an appearance.

Schitt’s Creek: Seasons 1-6 – December 22
Noted fave comedy about a rich family who finds themselves stripped of their fortunes and running a motel in a small town will land in its entirety upon Netflix this December.

Emily in Paris: Season Two – December 22
One of the worst shows to ever grace our horrified screens is returning for Season 2. Rumor has it that the actors who played Emily and Camille are “open to” the idea of being in a throuple with Gabriel or otherwise “exploring their feelings for each other” and the trailer shows them both on vacation with Mindy. Apparently “it was evident in the first season that Camille and Emily have some strange bisexual energy going on.” They do appear to kiss briefly in the trailer but like…. BRIEFLY? I am assuming if anything bisexual happens in this show it will be handled as badly as the show handles everything else, including clothing.

Queer Eye: Season 6 – December 31
The dream team returns, including noted non-binary queen Jonathan Van Ness, to Austin,Texas just in time for probably somebody in some part of this country to find themselves snowed in!

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Lesbians and Bisexuals On Hulu in December 2021

Her Smell (2019) – December 1
Elisabeth Moss plays an unhinged egomaniac riot grrrl rock star amid a mental breakdown. At one point she collaborates with the very loyal bass player Marielle Hell who Indiewire describes as “a cross between Joan Jett and Shane from ‘The L Word.'” Queer actors Cara Delevingne, Amber Benson and Amber Heard also play musical parts in the film!

All Rise, Seasons One & Two (CBS) – December 1
This drama about all the players in an L.A. court system is centered on new judge Laura Carmichael. Her mentor Lisa is a lesbian and there’s also a bisexual clerk who goes our with a lesbian clerk.

We Need to Do Something (2021) – December 3
This one-room horror film traps a family in their bathroom during what seems like a storm that turns out to perhaps be something much worse. Through flashbacks over the course of the film, we learn that the daughter, Melissa, had been dabbling in witchcraft with her girlfriend Amy, which she suspects may be causing their current problems.

Creamerie: Season One (TVNZ 1) – December 9
The three Kiwi-Asian women who wrote and star as organic dairy farmer sisters in “Creamerie” created this dystopian series to give themselves better roles than they were offered in other people’s shows. Creamerie is set in New Zealand, eight years after a virus wiped out all the men of the world, where now a “wellness-based” fascist government has taken over, run by a health guru. The sisters accidentally run over a real live man and uncover a conspiracy!

The Nowhere Inn (2020) – December 17
St. Vincent enlists her bff Carrie Brownstein to make a documentary about her music to reveal her on-and-off-stage personas. But eventually “notions of reality, identity and authenticity grow increasingly distorted and bizarre.” Also Dakota Johnson plays her? Girlfriend?

Letterkenny: Complete Season 10 – December 26
Another season of this series that showcases the antics of a small rural community in Canada with a specific focus on siblings Wayne and Katy. Katy is bisexual!

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Amazon Prime Queer Shows and Films for December 2021

Jennifer’s Body (2009) – December 1
Of this campy film, Erin wrote, “This film explores some of my favorite themes all in one glossy, campy, self-aware package: misandry, women being extremely gay together, principled revenge, and the triumph of aught culture. ”

Harlem: Season One – December 3
This series starring Meagan Good that we are VERY excited about follows “a group of stylish and ambitious best girlfriends in Harlem, New York City, the mecca of Black culture in America. Together, they level up from their 20s into the next phase of their careers, relationships, and big city dreams.” Jerrie Johnson is Tye, the inventor of an actually good queer dating app “who prefers keeping vulnerability — and romantic partners — at arm’s length.”

The Expanse: Season 6 – December 10
Set in outer space way in the future when humanity has colonized it, The Expanse added a lot more queer characters after being saved from cancellation by Amazon after its first three seasons on SyFy. Season 6 will be its final bow!

With Love: Season One – December 17
One Day at a Time‘s Gloria Calderón Kellett,’s new romantic comedy series, following a tight-knit Latinx family across the holidays that punctuate a calendar year, includes trans actress Isis King as trans character Sol Perez, an oncologist who is “the one who has their shit together.” “You can tell that someone queer was in the writer’s room,” King told Metroweekly. “It just felt honest and real.”

Christmas is Cancelled (2021) – December 17
Trans actor Emily Modaff is the quirky queer best friend of Christmas is Cancelled’s protagonist, Emily (Hayley Orrantia), who is horrified to find out that her widowed 52-year-old father (Dermot Mulroney) has been dating her high school nemesis (Janel Parrish aka Mona from PLL) and will stop at nothing to break them up.

Yearly Departed (2021) – December 23
This annual Amazon Prime Video comedy special is doing an all-female line-up for 2021, including queer comic Meg Stalter. Other performers include Jane Fonda, Dulce Sloan, Chelsea Peretti, X Mayo, Yvonne Orji and Aparna Nancherla.

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HBO Max LGBTQ+ Content of December 2021

Perfect Life (Vida Perfecta): Season Two Premiere – December 2
Somehow Season One of this series about three forty-something women forging new paths in mid-life escaped my notice but there’s still time to remedy that. In Season One, which debuted in January, Esther is introduced as a “40-year-old who lives like a teenager” and is passionate about painting but not making money at it. In Season Two, HBO says that “Esther’s wedding with her new partner Julia is coming up but she can never find the right moment to tell her that she’s not ready yet.”

Santa Inc: Season One – December 2nd
Developed by and starring Jewish actors Seth Rogen and Sarah Silverman, this adult animation film is set in the North Pole, where Candy Smalls, a female elf, is aiming to become the next Santa Claus, an institution historically dominated by, you know, white men. Gabourey Sidibe plays Goldie, an openly bisexual reindeer on Santa’s reindeer “B-Team” who doesn’t get the credit she deserves for her work. YouTube had to remove the dislike button for the preview because of people who accused it of being part of the war on Christmas.

And Just Like That: Season One – December 9th
The trailer and photos from set have already sparked speculation about even more gayness in the much-anticipated reboot of Sex and the City than anticipated — although what we’ve anticipated is pretty incredible in and of itself! Sara Ramirez will be playing podcaster Che Diaz, “a nonbinary, queer, stand-up comedian who often hosts Carrie Bradshaw (Parker) on their show. Che, who uses the pronouns they/them, is described as a big presence with a big heart whose outrageous sense of humor and progressive, human overview of gender roles has made them and their podcast very popular.” But it kinda seems like Miranda (played by queer actress Cynthia Nixon) is giving Che some very suggestive eye contact, so!

Matrix Resurrections (2021) – December 22, 2021
The Matrix films, which put the Wachowskis on the map many moons ago, long before they both came out as trans women, has often resonated deeply with its queer audience — who likely weren’t surprised when Lana confirmed the film was in fact intended as a trans allegory. (This topic is also explored by trans writer Andrea Long Chu in her book “Females” and by trans writer and critic Emily VanDerWerff ) Wachowski said at the time that “the corporate world wasn’t ready” for anything beyond subtextual nods to transness and/or queerness. Are they ready for it in 2021? We will certainly find out! Lana Wachowski is directing solo, without her sister, and co-wrote the film with two others. Two queer actors, Jonathan Groff and Neil Patrick Harris, are joining the cast. Jessica Henwick’s character, with her spiky blue hair and leather vest-jacket situation, looks queer as heck??

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Queers on Peacock In December 2021

Chucky: Season One (USA/SYFY) – December 1
After the events of “Cult of Chucky,” a 14-year old boy discovers that his Good Guy doll is possessed by the soul of Chucky. Tiffany Valentine (Jennifer Tilly) remains Chucky’s lover, but in this series they have a gender-fluid puppet child and also she is in love with Nica, a woman possessed by a portion of Chucky’s malevolent spirit.

Southwest of Salem: The Story of the San Antonio Four (2016) – December 2
A documentary about four queer Latinx women falsely accused of and imprisoned for child abuse amid the “Satanic Panic” of the era.

The Real Housewives of Miami: Season Four – December 16
As announced in the press release: “Joining the ladies is Julia Lemigova, a former Russian beauty queen and the first LGBTQIA+ Housewife who is married to pro tennis player Martina Navratilova. Opposite of her city-slick Housewife friends, Julia runs a small farm outside of Miami and can often be found on the farm feeding the chickens or milking goats, amongst the menagerie of animals found on her property.”

Vigil: Season One (BBC One) – December 23
Best known to you as “the show where Suranne Jones and Rose Leslie are making out,” Vigil is a police procedural set in Scotland that takes place on a fictional ballistic missile submarine of the Royal Navy.

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“Yellowjackets” Episode 103 Recap: Never Quite As It Seems

Hello hello and welcome back to Yellowjackets. Gather round and gimme your eyeballs! We’re going into an abandoned cabin in the woods even though the vibes are most definitely off. Also, there’s an intro sequence now? We hadn’t seen that in previous episodes, right? It threw me off guard tbh! I haven’t had a chance to fully form an opinion on it, so maybe I’ll be back next week with some thoughts. Alright, Yellowjackets 103 recap (“The Dollhouse,” written by Sarah L. Thompson and directed by Eva Sørhaug) let’s go!

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The episode opens on a burial ceremony at the plane crash site. I thought again of the Yellowjackets banner becoming a funeral shroud last episode. These girls have undoubtedly markered a million signs together for pep rallies and game days. But now, they’ve put that lettering to use to make diy gravestones for the fallen. They barely knew one of the dead girls. Only that she had been planning to go see Oasis, was good at trig, and maybe possibly played the flute. It’s another reminder that while some of these girls have relationships with each other beyond the field, they’re not all best friends. They’re teammates. And now they’re tasked with caring for each other in the most intimate ways, including giving eulogies. The second that plane crashed, these teens’ realities twisted into something different, a nightmare version of their lives before. Only, the nightmare’s real.

And some of them are still, understandably, having trouble processing that. Javi keeps chewing the gum his now-dead dad gave him to prevent his ears from popping before the plane took off. Part self-soothing coping mechanism, part evidence he’s in denial, the gum chewing is such an innocent, childlike behavior. Because he is a literal child! They all are! Ben’s the closest thing to an adult the crew has right now, but he’s hardly in charge. He’s a high school soccer coach, not a survivalist. They’re all out of their depths. And Travis is wound tight, angry at his dead dad, taking it out on Javi by yelling at him and pushing him around. Teen angst has a sharper edge out here in these woods.

As we saw last episode, some of the girls are still mentally catching up to the stakes of their new circumstances, falling back into old patterns and reactions as if they were merely dealing with standard high school drama rather than fighting for their lives in the wilderness. Jackie does not like it one bit when Shauna sides with Taissa in a vote on whether to stay at the plane or hike to a lake Taissa found. She takes it as a personal betrayal. “Backwash? I’ll pass,” Jackie scoffs and snips at Shauna upon Shauna merely offering her a sip of water on the hike to the lake. Girl! You’re literally dehydrated — swallow your pride and drink some water! When Shauna stares at her at the lake, Jackie returns the look for a moment before twisting her whole body away and toward Mari, saying succinctly with her body language look at me caring about someone who isn’t you. It’s gently brutal in that way young girls are so fucking good at.

Shauna finally confronts Jackie later in the episode, saying she was just going with her gut when she voted with Taissa. She didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. She was thirsty and tired and a 16-year-old girl lost in the middle of the woods with a bunch of other kids who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Jackie’s reacting as if this were happening in the school halls or on the soccer field. But everything has changed now. Between Travis’ rage and Jackie’s hurt feelings, I love that these characters are still experiencing big hormonal emotions like actual teenagers. It makes the characters and their choices believable and relatable — even as they navigate a horrific and not-at-all natural scenario.

Over in the present, the Dysfunctional Duo — aka adult Misty and Nat — are making their merry way northward. Misty’s merrily recounting her various failed relationships through the years (I know Misty is, like, terrifying and maybe murderous but I do kinda feel bad for all the Ls she has taken in the romance department!) and sharing her showtunes (they’re listening to Cats btw) with Nat. But Nat is not-so-merry and more grinding-her-teeth-to-keep-from-screamingy. She barely tolerates Misty’s, well, Mistyness. They stop for gas and snacks, and Nat confirms what we pretty much knew: Misty stole her car’s battery cable. There’s a subtle moment here where Nat is incredulous at Misty’s snack choice of jerky. Maybe the girls made jerky or dried meat at one point in the wilderness. Maybe jerky just seems a little too close to home (and by home I mean eating flesh). Either way, that small moment is another reminder that while everyone else seems to be trying to escape the past, Misty might actually miss it.

When teen Taissa wins the vote, the girls leave behind their camp, carrying Ben on a stretcher. Teen Misty spends much of the episode laying the groundwork for a disturbing and borderline abusive dynamic with Ben. When he refuses to eat, she taunts that she can’t give him Midol for the pain if he doesn’t do so. It immediately calls back the scene from the pilot of Misty refusing to give one of her patients pain meds. Ben becomes frustrated to the point of lashing out at Misty and slapping her, but instead of backing off, she just goes in and holds him tighter. Misty routinely ignores boundaries, and that’s an understatement. It’s kind of funny when she does it with Nat as adults, but then these interactions with Ben put things back into focus. Misty’s a manipulator, and her smothering of people is like a long, drawn-out attack.

As soon as the girls hit that lake, I held my breath. The discovery is scored by The Cranberries “Dreams,” you know, a song that upfront repeats the sentiment “never quite as it seems.” I thought surely this was a wink wink that this glittering lake of hope and hydration would soon become a bad place of leeches or snakes or worse water creatures. I waited for the dream to become a nightmare. But even more so than me overanalyzing lyrics, my certainty that something bad would happen in this lake was shaped by the show’s very good bricklaying of suspense and dread. Anything could go wrong at any time. And Yellowjackets keeps surprising me. The fact that something could at any point happen and doesn’t? That in and of itself unsettles.

The nightmarish turn never comes in these lake scenes. In fact, they’re where we get some of the tenderness in the episode. Girls sunning themselves and splashing around in the water, seeming like regular teens at summer camp. Nat watching Travis with curiosity. Van and others playing a giggly game of chicken fight. Taissa doing Akilah’s hair. Akilah remarks that Taissa isn’t as much of a bitch as the other girls make her out to be.

It’s easy to see the thread that connects teen Taissa with adult Taissa. As a teen, she’s confident, headstrong, and can be ruthless. But she can be kind and caring, too. She wants to do what’s best for the group, not just for her. As an adult, Taissa’s campaign takes a hit when her opponent runs an ad suggesting she’s going to “cannibalize” taxes. The ad ends up directly impacting her family: Sammy punches a kid in the face for talking shit about his mom. And Taissa’s so focused on the campaign that she starts talking campaign strategy instead of listening to her wife’s concerns about Sammy. “Why don’t people like you?” Sammy asks. “I’m different than what people expect, and it scares them,” Taissa says. It’s still not totally clear what’s going on with Sammy, but it’s definitely apparent that Taissa’s past is impacting her present in ways she doesn’t even seem to understand or see. It doesn’t seem like a good idea for her to be running for office. But I think back to what Nat said in the pilot: Nat felt like she lost her purpose when she got out of the woods. Maybe Taissa’s feeling that, too. Campaigns are a hellscape, but maybe this makes her feel in control. We see her taking up a leadership role in the woods as a teen. She likes being in charge. And she’s better at it than Jackie.

Plot Update: We learn that Taissa hired Jessica Roberts as sort of a catch-all campaign investigator. Taissa has Jessica going around pretending to be a journalist in order to see if any of the former Yellowjackets are going to talk. Jessica also digs up dirt on Taissa’s opponent, and despite her wife begging her to focus on the issues and not go negative, Taissa uses that dirt to threaten her opponent directly. You don’t mess with this Yellowjacket and her family!!!

Adult Misty and Nat make it to Travis’ home in the middle of nowhere. No one appears to be home, so Misty suggests: “We can go back in town, check it out, get some wings, come back later.” I love that she suggests wings??? Especially since it also, like the jerky, seems like a chaotic food choice for someone who once had to eat human flesh in the wild! I never feel like more of an animal than when I eat wings. Also, it’s at this point I realized that no I don’t merely want a Misty, Citizen Detective spinoff — I also want a Misty + Nat Buddy Picture in the style of The Heat. Unfortunately, wings are not in their future. Nat busts the window to Travis’ place to break in, and Misty keeps delivering wonderful Mistyisms: “Someone could use a trip to Tuesday Morning.” Indeed, Travis’ place looks a little barren and depressing. Misty, seasoned citizen detective, says not owning many personal belongings is a sure sign of creep activity. Nat finds an old Polaroid of her and Travis, suggesting they maybe had some sort of relationship as adults. Nat also hallucinates Travis in the mirror, and it’s not the first time Nat has imagined seeing someone who wasn’t there. She did this in the pilot with Misty at the bonfire. Is there a deeper significance to when and who Nat hallucinates? I’m going to keep tabs on this.

Taissa provides some more context for the connection between Nat and Travis. Nat and Misty end up arrested for, you know, breaking into a person’s home. And Nat calls Taissa from jail. It doesn’t seem like the first time Taissa has bailed Nat out of trouble. In fact, it turns out she paid for Nat’s rehab. But Taissa doesn’t want to help this time, especially once she hears this is all because Nat was trying to find Travis. Taissa says there’s a reason Travis disappeared on Nat. “You two are the worst for each other,” she says. The words feel particularly haunting given that we’re starting to see Nat and Travis bond in the plane crash flashbacks. These two have many years of history between them. But we don’t get to ever see Nat reunite with Travis. Nat and Misty get out of jail (Misty called Nat’s old friend Kevyn to bail them out and has been pretending to be Nat in text conversations with him — I’d simply die to see the texts!!! A Misty impression of Nat sounds hilarious) and head to the farm where Travis works. They find him there, dead, swinging from the rafters, an apparent suicide. Nat doesn’t buy it. She thinks someone killed Travis. To add to the foreboding mood, Misty reveals a note she found back at Travis’s. He wrote “tell Nat she was right.” About what? Nat claims not to know.

While teen Shauna deals with Jackie’s fragile emotions, adult Shauna attempts to ensnare her husband Jeff. Last episode, she caught him texting with someone who asked to meet in their usual spot at 4pm, and here she tests him by asking if he can pick her up from the bodyshop at that exact time. She lies; she follows him around; she attempts to coax a lobby attendant into giving her his room number. And Shauna’s very bad at all of this. She might carry a lot of secrets and keep a literal lockbox of them in her home, but she’s not good at lying and deception! It’s funny and sad to watch her fail so spectacularly, especially when she takes it way too far and says she’s with homeland security. I never know quite what to make of Shauna. What she’s capable of. What she wants. And that’s not for lack of character development — I think the ambivalence is actually very telling of who she is. Because Shauna doesn’t even seem to really know who Shauna is.

And then Adam shows up. So, Adam can’t just be a coincidental encounter, right? Shauna has now sporadically rear-ended him and run into him at a hotel bar whilst spying on her husband. He says he comes to this place for their classic martinis, but I don’t know! I’m not buying it! Plus, their entire dynamic feels just slightly out of reality. They quote Vonnegut at each other (“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”). They’re rather forward for strangers. Maybe I watch too much psychological horror, but I can’t stop thinking about the fact that we never really see Adam interact with anyone other than Shauna. I’m not immediately jumping to the conclusion that he’s a ghost or a figment of her imagination, but it does seem odd, no? I guess he sorta interacts with the lobby attendant, but not really! Is Adam real? I at least feel confident Adam is hiding something.

There are a lot of fun image motifs the show keeps repeating. In particular, there are a lot of animal parts/figurines and taxidermy that keep popping up. Shauna’s kitchen is full of bunny figurines, and it makes me laugh every time I see them because I’m just immediately reminded of her new hobby (killing bunnies in her garden). When digging through Misty’s glovebox, Nat finds a lucky rabbit foot. After the lake, the girls make their way to a cabin they spot in the distance. It’s long abandoned, covered in cobwebs. There are cans of rotten food and a stack of porn magazines. No one has been here for a very long time. But at least it can be a roof over their heads. But Lottie (who takes her last pill in this episode) has a bad feeling about the place, and rightfully so. The cabin looks like a typical hunting cabin. Full of mounted antlers, spikey traps, knives. But those objects stir up violent images. These animal-related props and set pieces throughout — including that rabbit foot — immediately evoke the snowy scenes from the pilot. People dressed in animal skins and antlers. Fire-roasted flesh. An animalistic horrorshow.

“The Dollhouse” features its own little self-contained horror image motif as well. Eyes. In the opening scene, the funeral prayer circle stirs up a memory for Taissa. We flashback to her as a small child, visiting her Nana on her deathbed. This first scene is actually pretty sweet. Nana assuages little Taissa’s fears of all the medical machines around her. “Dying is nothing to be afraid of,” she says. That nightmare turn I was waiting for with the lake instead comes here. Taissa’s memory twists. As little Taissa sings to her grandmother, her Nana suddenly starts talking to no one, looking in a mirror. We can’t see what she sees, but her terror is immediately palpable. “Who are you?” she asks. She says there’s a man with no eyes. “Don’t let him take my eyes,” she wails, and we get a quick glimpse of the figure, an eyeless man. EYE am simply screaming!!!

This comes back in an incredible sequence at the end of the episode. We move between little Taissa at her grandmother’s open casket funeral; teen Taissa waking in the middle of the night to footsteps coming from above; and adult Taissa waking up after having fallen asleep on the couch and realizing Sammy’s doll Manny — who she confiscated as punishment for his playground altercation — is missing. The three Taissas cross three thresholds: Little Taissa bends down into a casket. Teen Taissa finds a door and ladder to the cabin’s crawlspace. Adult Taissa descends the stairs of her own home’s basement. Everything is off. Eyes aren’t where they belong. Little Taissa pulls back her grandmother’s lids to find nothing but white looking back. Teen Taissa finds Lottie huddled in a corner, looking at a decaying corpse whose eyes are long gone. And Adult Taissa steps on an eye. Specifically, on one of Manny’s eyes. The doll sits lifeless on the floor, eyeballs gouged. “The Dollhouse” delivers plenty of horror. Just not where you’re expecting it. Which is, of course, all the more frightening.

This cabin isn’t a refuge. It’s the start of something. We get a glimpse of that recurring etching on the floor of the cabin when Taissa sees the dead body. And in some ways, that unsettled me even more than the actual corpse.

“Wolves can kill anything if the pack’s big enough,” Ben says when the group encounters a dead bear in the woods, its entrails spilling out, its body ravaged. The Yellowjackets are their own pack of wolves. We’re only starting to see what they’re capable of.

Last Buzz:

• When Laura Lee said let’s hold hands, I did fully think they were all going to sing “Wonderwall” over the dead.
• Is it just me or does Rekha Sharma’s delivery of “if you want me to bust some kneecaps, it’ll cost extra” sound incredibly flirty?????
• People have been picking up on teen Taissa and teen Van vibes, and I have to agree. When Taissa’s doing Akilah’s hair, she looks out at Van longingly — for not the first time. Also, Van prying the compass off of the plane to use on the hike? Unparalleled Outdoorsy Gay vibes.
• Top Mistyism Of The Episode: “Caligula hasn’t learned to use the phone yet.”
• We don’t technically see Jeff doing anything salacious with the blonde woman Shauna sees him in the hotel with, so I do wonder if something else is happening here. (Credit goes to my girlfriend for planting this theory seed in my brain.) What if he’s secretly meeting with someone in order to sell the rights to Shauna’s life story or something like that? Shauna and Jeff are clearly having ongoing financial issues, so they could use the money from some sort of book or movie deal. And Shauna has made it very clear she doesn’t want to do that, so this would still be a betrayal in its own way. I mean, sure, it would still be weird for them to meet at a hotel if this really were just a business thing. Or do we also think this woman could somehow be connected to Jackie? She couldn’t BE Jackie, right???? In any case, I think we’re still missing part of the puzzle here.
• I had some additional thoughts last week on Misty including “escalators” as a turn on: To me, that seemed like very realistic nostalgia for 90s mall culture someone Misty’s age might have! My girlfriend then pushed this one step further by pointing out 90s teens were often warned of the deathly dangers of escalators. It tracks that Misty might be attracted to something considered casually lethal.
• The official Spotify playlist has been updated to include “Mother Mother” from last episode!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6JihB3z7CClETggkGDnFPg?si=3Zbfsm59SXeXyh8J4CvViw&nd=1

Boobs on Your Tube: “The Sex Lives of College Girls” Is — Surprise! — G A Y

Before we hop into the TV, did you know you can get 25% off everything in the Autostraddle store today through Monday? 40% if you’re an A+ member! Okay and now let’s hop! This week, Carmen interviewed Lena Waithe!!! Carmen also recapped Twenties, reviewed Gentefied, and reviewed Halle Berry’s Bruised, AND reviewed Tessa Thompson’s Passing! (All on “vacation,” by the way!) Sally brought us one final update from Dancing With the Stars. Kayla recapped the first two episodes of Yellow Jackets. Nic recapped Batwoman. Valerie Anne recapped Legends of Tomorrow. And Drew ranked Elliot Page movies by transness.

Notes from the TV Team:

+ I am following Wheel of Time very closely and will be bringing you a standalone post of gayness very soon. — Heather

+ Still not quite enough to report back on re: The Flash’s ARMAGEDDON but the team did call Alex (Kara and J’onn are apparently “off-world”) so hopefully soon we’ll have some fun gay shenanigans to talk about. — Valerie Anne

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All American 405: “Can It All Be So Simple”

Written by Natalie

Last week, as Coop beefed with Layla over another artist using her music, she criticized Patience for not taking her side. At the time I thought it weird that no one mentioned that Patience was also one of Layla’s artists and that jeopardizing Layla’s business meant endangering Patience’s own career, so I convinced myself that I was misremembering. Maybe Patience hadn’t signed with Layla? Maybe it was just something I thought happened but didn’t, like season six of The L Word? But, apparently, I wasn’t wrong: All American was just waiting a week to use Patience’s career as a plot point (again).

Patience is putting the final touches on her album and Layla is loving the results…so much so that she recommends pushing up the release date and replacing Coop on a headlining tour. Patience questions if she’s even ready for that but Layla assures her that she is. Layla reminds Patience that she’s been building her buzz by opening on Lil’ Jewel’s tour and now there’s an opportunity to take advantage of her hard work. Patience is ambivalent about taking a slot that was meant for Coop but Layla’s unsympathetic. She reminds Patience that she’s running a business and gives Patience 48 hours to make a decision about the tour.

The next day, Coop’s babysitting Amina (Mo and Preach’s daughter) when Patience interrupts. After Amina scurries off, Coop asks Patience about her music and she downplays her success. Olivia overhears and corrects the record: Patience’s album is great and the fans will love it when she goes out on tour. Olivia quickly realizes that she’s let the cat out of the bag but Patience insists she was just about to tell Coop about the tour. Again, Patience minimizes the details but still rushes away from the growing tension as soon as she possibly can.

Later, Coop stops by Patience’s house and apologizes for making it hard for her to celebrate what’s going on in her career. Patience insists that Coop wasn’t making it hard, she was just trying to be sensitive because of all that Coop’s lost. Coop assures Patience that she doesn’t need to walk on eggshells with her and she absolutely should headline the tour. The couple embraces and Patience invites Coop to join her on tour. She admits that things have been a little off lately and being alone together on tour would give them the time and space to do that.

“I love you but I can’t leave Amina right now. I’m the reason her mom is dead. She needs me and I owe that too her,” Coop answers and Patience immediately pulls away from her. Patience shifts from her usual warmth to all business and agrees that “we have to do what we both have to do.”

And personally, I’m hoping that what Patience has to do is break up with Coop because she deserves so much better. Patience was truly right when she said, earlier this season, “the person to blame for all the drama that follows Coop around is Coop.” When Mo’s devil spawn, Amina, finally gets the revenge she’s seeking on “the grim reaper of the hood,” Coop will have brought it on herself.

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New Amsterdam 410: “Death Is the Rule. Life Is the Exception”

Written by Natalie

“How much did you spend?” Leyla asks.

This week’s New Amsterdam doesn’t offer us a second of reprieve — no moment of warmth — it just hits us, straight out the gate, with the secret that’s been hanging over our favorite couple the entire season. Oh, happiness…it was nice while it lasted.

Lauren doesn’t catch on to what Leyla means at first so she clarifies: “How much did you spend to buy my residency?” And that’s when Lauren’s panic sets in. She tries to deflect but Leyla remains firm, asking about how big a bribe Lauren paid. Lauren insists that she didn’t bribe anyone, she just made a donation to the hospital, but Leyla sees a distinction without a difference. Lauren defends herself by suggesting that she was just righting wrongs: the wrong that Leyla had to repeat her residency and the wrong that caused the dean to dismiss Leyla’s application in the first place. And while I know that Lauren messed up here, I feel a bit of sympathy for her because she’s not wrong.

Leyla, however, is unmoved and asks again how much Lauren spent. Lauren confesses that she donated $90k — which, frankly, is a bargain — and insists that she did this for Leyla and for them. Iggy interrupts with hospital gossip and it gives Leyla an opportunity to escape before she cries in front of everyone. Left alone in the office, the panic plays out on Lauren’s face.

A bacterial outbreak at the hospital keeps the couple apart for most of the day but when the day’s over, Lauren greets Leyla as she walks out of the hospital. Still not over it, Leyla calls Lauren out for lying to her, as she’d asked Lauren directly if she had a hand in securing the residency. Lauren assures Leyla that she earned her spot and that her only role was helping others see how deserving she was.

“If I hadn’t, I mean, you’d be half way across the country. You’d be gone. We’d be over,” Lauren admits. “Leyla, I would write a million dollar check to keep us together.”

And that’s the thing: because Lauren didn’t do this for Leyla, she donated the money to save their relationship. And for someone who grew up like Lauren did, throwing money at something may look like love, but as Leyla points out as she walks away, “That’s not love.”

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Riverdale 602: “Ghost Stories”

Written by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Welcome back to Riverdale — ahem, RiverVALE — where ghosts are doing lil ghosty things and also where I’m simply beginning someone, anyone, to turn on like one light? Okay, I know the whole dark colors + neons + soft lamp light thing is the show’s Aesthetic, but I literally cannot see anyone. It’s reminding me of trying to make Vampire Diaries gifs for tumblr in like 2011-2012 and needing to bump up that brightness just to be able to see people’s faces!!!!!!!

Anyway, sometimes you just gotta go to your ex-girlfriend’s haunted estate to do a seance to summon a vengeful spirit who is trying to kill your baby because you accidentally lethally knifed a boy in the heart during a gang brawl, you know? That is indeed what Toni Topaz finds herself doing in “Ghost Stories,” Riverdale’s take on La Llorona folklore. The episode opens with a street fight between the Serpents and the Ghoulies, and apparently Toni is still moonlighting as a gang member, because she’s right there in the thick of it, throwing a knife in, according to her, an attempt to wound rather than kill. Seems dicey!

The dead boy’s mom inexplicably waits three months and then summons La Llorona. Riverdale’s iteration of the weeping woman is a veiled presence who lives in Sweetwater River. Once summoned, she gets down to standard La Llorona business: killing children. She attempts to drown Juniper and supernaturally terminates Betty’s pregnancy. (Reminder: Last episode, Betty became pregnant with Archie’s child with the help of Cheryl’s magic? Shortly before Archie was then blood sacrificed for the sake of the town’s fertility in both a literal baby sense but also in terms of its maple supply? Anyway, the blood sacrifice did work: The maple is plentiful once more, and Cheryl and Nana Rose enjoy maple-infused brandies in this episode.)

La Llorona is mainly after baby Anthony. And during a seance at Thornhill, they learn La Llorona used to be a woman named Martha Mallon, who was a nurse in a maternity ward in Rivervale’s first hospital. She was blamed for the high mortality rate of children in town, so a bunch of townsfolk drowned her and her children in Sweetwater River.

I’m still digging Riverdale’s all-out plunge into the fantastic! The show has always had a tenuous grasp on logic and laws, so let’s let go altogether! Apparently, this whole Rivervale experiment is slated to be a five-episode event. And I have a theory: I think they’re going to kill off a main character in every installment. Because while Toni does not technically die at episode’s end, she does trade places with Martha, becoming the new cursed weeping woman.

Elsewhere, Reggie’s having an affair with a car. Or, more specifically, a car reminds him of his former driver’s ed teacher, who was apparently accused of having inappropriate relations with students. I’m not sure if Veronica lecturing Reggie on the toxicity and abusive nature of a student-teacher relationship is Riverdale’s attempt to atone for Ms. Grundy in season one or what! But Reggie says the driver’s ed teacher was merely there for him when he was being abused by his father (who dies in this episode) and nothing inappropriate happened.

Jughead and Tabitha have a ghost story of their own. Specifically, a couple — named SAM AND DIANE — died in their apartment. More specifically, Diane brained Sam with a hammer and hung herself. Jughead and Tabitha’s typical domestic squabbles (Tabitha feels undervalued since she works all day and Jughead…stays home to NOT write; Jughead feels pressured by Tabitha; Tabitha doesn’t like it when he leaves the cap off the toothpaste?; etc.) take on a sharp edge when it starts to seem like they might be becoming Sam and Diane. Riverdale leaves it somewhat up in the air whether they’re actually being possessed/influenced by the ghosts or just falling into bad patterns together and then projecting the ghost stories onto themselves — a creative choice I’m into! But seriously, these two are…not great together. They have their first real fight, and it’s bad! And it ends with them saying “I love you” for the first time? Seek help!

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Nancy Drew 307: “The Gambit of the Tangled Souls”

Written by Valerie Anne

This week, Bess takes George’s advice and asks Addy for that second date, but almost as soon as Addy agrees, she has to reschedule because George needs Bess’s help with some soul splitting. When Addy makes an offhand remark about it being an ex, Bess can’t help but think of Odette and can’t honestly deny the accusation, and Addy is pretty bummed about it.

As Bess takes care of George as she goes through the soul splitting journey and Odette comes out one last time, and Bess starts to panic about this whole plan.

Back at the youth center, Addy is becoming her own character outside of Bess and talking to Nick about processing his trauma, and says that a period of time where she unplugged helped her gain clarity.

When Nancy and Bess realize that they’ll have to destroy a crystal that houses Odettes’s soul, Odette begs Nancy to help her find another way. She was holding onto a secret hope that maybe somehow they could get Odette back someday, so she could live her best gay life, but Nancy says it’s time for Odette to move on.

Bess panics and takes off with the crystal, and when Nancy finds her and apologizes for not considering how hard this would be for Bess. But with some convincing, Bess says goodbye to Odette and smashes the crystal, bringing George back to life. Bess feels like a bad friend, but Nancy understands and so they don’t tell George when she wakes up.

Bess buries the Odette crystal where the lilacs bloom in spring, and promises her that her story won’t be forgotten. She asks for a sign that Odette is at piece, and at that exact moment, Addy shows up, and they plan a proper second date.

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The Sex Lives of College Girls 101-102: “Welcome to Essex” and “Naked Party”

Written by Natalie

Leighton Murray had it all planned out: she’d join her brother, Nico, at their father’s alma mater, Essex College, and she’d spend her year living alongside her high school besties. But you know what they say about the best laid plans: when Leighton arrives at Essex, she greeted by a trio of strangers — Kimberly, Whitney and Bela — and rushes out to figure out how this mix-up happened. Her high school besties, Esme and Francesca, feign dismay but a trip to the housing office reveals the truth: both of Leighton’s so-called besties explicitly asked not to room with her. When Leighton confronts Esme and Francesca about their deception, they admit that they were never really friends.

“The truth is, we never really felt like we knew you,” Esme confesses.

“Yeah, you were always so secretive or something. It was like being friends with a stranger,” Francesca adds. Leighton pushes back, insisting that she shared everything with them, but Esme and Francesca recall their history differently: it’s like a wall existed between them. Dismayed, Leighton flicks them both off and storms off but later it’s clear that she’s hurt by her friends’ betrayal.

The thing is? Esme and Francesca weren’t wrong.

Even in her dealings with her new roommates, Leighton is cold and dismissive. The Regina George of Essex College (Leighton’s portrayer, Renee Rapp, played the mean girl on Broadway, coincidentally). When her brother, Nico, encourages her to be civil to her new roommates, Leighton tries to make amends — buying them iPads and offering them “sage” advice — but when they decide to go to a fraternity party together, Leighton’s wall goes up.

Behind that wall, Leighton’s finding women to hook up with on a Tinder-like app: the first, a sexy red-head at a nearby casino, the second, a realtor in her mini-van, in between showings at one of her listings. The realtor, Chloe Wright, confuses the hook-up for a first date, asking Leighton about her Essex keychain and stumbling onto the fact that Leighton’s still in the closet. She encourages Leighton to come out, assuring her that it’s worth it, but Leighton is unmoved.

“I don’t want being gay to be my identity, I like my identity. I don’t want to be the gay Kappa girl or the lesbian cousin. I don’t want to be other, I just want to be me,” Leighton insists.

Chloe continues to push but Leighton reminds her that this was just supposed to be a hook-up and escapes the mini-van. Later, Chloe calls to check on Leighton and promises her that it gets better. Leighton scoffs, dismissing Chloe’s PSA, and asserts that she’s absolutely thriving. Chloe points out that Leighton is living a lie and Leighton assures her that she knows that.

The Sex Lives of College Girls is the latest creation from Mindy Kaling and Justin Noble. The pair last worked together on Never Have I Ever and you’ll notice a lot of the same archetypes reappearing here. But Sex Lives is risqué in a way NHIE can’t be, thanks to the college setting. New episodes of Sex Lives are available Thursdays on HBO Max.

“Batwoman” Episode 307 Recap: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Angst

Welcome back, Bat Fam! It’s time for your recap of the mid-season finale (?!?!) of Batwoman, so let’s dive right in, shall we?

Previously on Batwoman, MARY IS POISON IVY!! Ahem, sorry. Also, we learned that thanks to the OG Joker, Marquis has been on his way to a full-blown sociopathic Joker 2.0.

Speaking of Marquis, we open with him and Ryan (looking DOPE in a leather cap) meeting up in an abandoned parking garage, aka the place where nothing shady ever happens. Not only have the two been planning a covert merger behind their mother’s back, but they’ve also been working on a fly sibling handshake! They’re soon swarmed by vehicles, Marquis is apprehended, and out pops one Ms. Jada Mae (a nickname I learned this week and am OBSESSED with). Turns out, Jada promised Ryan a favor in exchange for her help going behind Marquis’ back.

Like clockwork, as soon as I forget that Vesper Fairchild is a person, BAM! She shows up again. This time, she’s reporting on multiple Poison Ivy crime scenes throughout the city.

MORNING AFTER SOPHIE! I REPEAT, MORNING AFTER SOPHIE!! Our girl is nursing a bit of a hangover after what I can only imagine to be a…therapeutic…night with Renee Montoya. The only sign of Ray Ray though, is the note she left for Sophie giving her free reign over whatever she might find in the fridge. Can you imagine having SOPHIE MOORE in your bed and just…leaving? I love you Montoya, but it couldn’t be me. Soph blearily checks her phone and whatever she sees is enough for her to bolt out of bed.

She heads directly to Wayne Tower, flabbergasted that Mary is Poison Ivy. Sophie immediately asks about a cure as Ryan strolls in, again, looking FOINE, and tells them Jada’s working on it. Listen, I don’t know what they’re putting in the water up in Vancouver, but I swear everyone on this show just gets more attractive every week. At the mention of Jada, Sophie rolls her eyes and reiterates that there’s no way Jada’s doing this for nothing.

And Soph isn’t wrong, because we see Marquis hooked up to a bunch of machines getting ready to begin the freezing process. While they wait, Jada’s scientists are switching gears to work on a cure for Mary’s infection.

Down in the Batcave, Ryan apologizes for not telling Luke and Sophie about Marquis sooner, but she just wanted to protect them from him. Sophie reminds Ryan that she doesn’t actually need to do this by herself; she has people (namely, Sophie) who are willing and able to help her.

Jada’s people think that Mary’s infection is doubling every 12 hours, so there’s a very good chance this is the last night Mary is going to remain the Mary they know and love. While there’s no digital trace of Mary anywhere, suddenly an alarm indicates Alice’s tracker is on the move. No problem! Sophie should know exactly where her roomie went off to, right? That’s Ryan’s thought anyway, until Soph fesses up to not spending the night at home. And Ryan’s face when she realizes the implications of that statement, punched me right in the gut. It’s almost like she surprised even herself by how hurt she is by Sophie’s apparent one night stand. But as quickly as the hurt crosses her face, it’s immediately replaced by concern over the possibility that Mary might be with Alice, lest Sophie sees just how impacted Ryan actually is.

Meanwhile, Alice is driving an RV with Mary sitting shotgun because apparently they wrecked that fancy sports car from the end of the previous episode. Mary demands they pull over as Alice gives her a rundown of Poison Mary’s exploits. The idea of hurting her friends is enough to make Mary physically sick. She’s worried that she’ll be on the lam forever, but Alice won’t let that happen. That is, as long as a certain green-thumbed doctor helps remove the tracking nanobots swimming around in Alice’s bloodstream.

Sophie, Ryan, and a massive amount of sexual tension are cruising in the Batmobile trying to find Alice; a task made exponentially more difficult by the fact that they’re getting multiple tracker signals. They pull over the first person they can, and find Alice’s blood on the trunk. The clever girl left her nanobot-laden blood on multiple vehicles to confuse the rest of the team.

Back in the RV, Mary’s taking inventory of the blood collection supplies she stole from the hospital, and proving to Alice that she knows a thing or two about staying off the grid. She stopped for coffee, but paid in cash and didn’t use her real name. (Shout out to the incredible Daphne Miles, writer extraordinaire and provider of Mary Hamilton’s coffee alter ego!) The two need to find another O-negative donor, because even though Alice can donate to anyone, she can only receive O-negative blood.

And what better place to troll for unsuspecting blood donors than a random pub?! This entire pub situation is giving both Wynonna Earp and The Vampire Diaries vibes, and I am HERE for both. Mary tries some super cringey blood-related pickup lines before the bartender asks them to leave. In trying to get the bartender to change her mind, Mary accidentally uses her new Ivy pheromones to compel her. It works, which is weird because 1) it’s nighttime and 2) Mary is still fully aware of who she is. Like the sweet bean she is, Mary tries her powers again, this time to get free shots for her and Alice. Drunk Nicole Haught would be so proud. Also proud, is Alice, who remarks offhandedly that people actually listen to this Mary. And that’s the shit of this whole thing, isn’t it? All Mary wants is for someone to hear her. Kate didn’t; her dad didn’t; Luke didn’t; Ryan didn’t. The only person giving Mary a chance is Alice. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Ryan and Sophie are on the side of the road while Luke tells them they might just need to wait for Alice’s blood to dry before they can find the real tracker. Since they’re all sharing bad news, Sophie informs Ryan that if Mary goes full Poison Ivy, Montoya said the city will do everything they can to bring her in. And it’s at that moment that Ryan realizes Sophie was with Montoya the night before.

Sophie immediately does that semi-defensive thing where she tells Ryan she didn’t realize she needed her permission to sleep with someone. Since, you know, it’s not like they’re together or anything. And sweet Ryan is hurt on multiple levels; she’s hurt that Sophie slept with someone else, and she’s hurt that that someone is the woman currently making Ryan’s life miserable. Do I think that’s why Sophie chose Montoya? Not consciously. The two found comfort in each other when they couldn’t find it with the women they actually wanted. I said it once and I’ll say it again — GIVE ME THE ANGST.

“Legends of Tomorrow” Episode 707 Recap: A Bouquet of Rosies

Welcome to this recap of Legends of Tomorrow season 7, episode 7, “A Woman’s Place is in the War Effort!” aka the one where we learn about Black Rosies.

We open where we left off last week, with Bishop on the Waverider’s only toilet, ejected into space and crashing into the first time machine ever built that was supposed to take the Legends back to the present day.

When the team learns that it’s Bishop who ruined their lives YET AGAIN, Ava scowls at him and Sara grabs him by the lapel, ready to pummel him within an inch of his life.

Bishop is saved, however, by the sound of voices fast approaching. They all scatter and shout distractions while they look for a door they can all disappear into. The first one they find is a portapotty but beggars can’t be choosers, so they all scurry into the mystical manner by way of latrine.

When they get into the manor, Sara immediately pins Bishop to the wall and asks him to explain himself.

Bishop claims he’s the good Bishop even though he also admits he is the one who shot down their Waverider and sent evil robots of historical figures after them. Bishop blames Gideon, which Human Gideon takes offense to, but then they realize it’s probably Blue Gideon from their walk down memory lane. Bishop takes an almost gross fascination with her human form and Astra, not for the first time and hopefully not for the last, puts her entire body between Gideon and danger.

But they take him at his word, for now, and know that they have to stay as tight to the timeline as possible so they don’t attract Misguided Gideon’s attention.

To minimize their damage, Sara and Ava are going to go out and scout to figure out where and, more importantly, when they are. And hope that by some chance they’re near a time machine parts store so they can get home.

And even though they were sarcastic in that hope, they do end up at the next best thing: an airplane factory. Though being in the middle of WWII still isn’t ideal for a buncha queer folks and people of color, but at least they can maybe find the parts they need.

They wonder out loud how they’re going to make their way into the factory when a woman comes out and quite literally invites them inside, because there’s a recruitment fair. Problem solved!

Sara and Ava watch a recruitment video complete with a message from Eleanor Roosevelt, inspiring Rosie the Riveters everywhere to join the war effort.

When the video is over, Ava and Sara hop right up, ready to volunteer their way into the factory.

Inside the manor, Flannel Zari takes advantage of this rare downtime to ask Nate when he plans on moving into the totem with her, and he says that he’ll do it as soon as they wrap up this mission and get back to the present. Pleased, she pops into the totem to prep the ancestors and swap out with Fancy Zari.

When Sara and Ava come back, Nate tells them about his plans to move in with Zari, and they’re so excited they squeal and it results in a full group hug. Nate promises this isn’t goodbye, that he’ll still be commuting from the totem every morning, but it’s a nice big step for his relationship with Flannel Zari.

Ava tells the team about the factory probably having the parts they need, and Spooner thinks she can find the components and make the parts with the machinery inside, so the Ladies of Legends (minus the Zaris, who are in the totem) suit up and head out.

When the squirrely man in charge sees the lot of them, he sends Ava and Sara and their arms to the factory floor, recruits cutie patootie Gideon as his new secretary, and then turns to Astra and Spooner, who await their assignment politely. But then he pulls some racist bullshit and tells them that they can’t work on the floor and sends them to the janitorial staff instead. Astra is quite sick of having to live in times where people are so blatantly and shamelessly racist right to her face.

And on top of having to put up with all the racism and sexism, Astra is worried that now Spooner won’t be able to make the parts they need. But Spooner, somehow, has become the more optimistic one of the duo, and says that they can use this assignment to their advantage by using the mop buckets to smuggle out the parts they’re stealing.

Astra can’t help but be charmed but she does her best to retain some grumpiness as she tells Spooner she hates her. But Spooner sees right through that icy sheen now and simply beams up at her bff and says, “I hate you, too.”

Astra and Spooner’s new supervisor tells them that their shift is 12 hours, no breaks, and Astra has to cover her hair because they are professionals. (Note: I don’t think they ever said this woman’s name in the episode, and IMDb had her listed as Abby, but Olivia Swann, who plays Astra, and Kimleigh Smith, who plays the woman in question, both called the character Gladys in their Instagram captions, so I’m going to call her Gladys. Plus Gladys sounds very period-appropriate, based exclusively on the character Gladys “Princess” Witham.)

Inside the manor, Fancy Zari pops out of the totem and is excited to be reunited with her phone. When she learns that Nate is going to move into the totem, her and Behrad warn him about a particularly finicky uncle and decide to teach him a bit about Persian culture, lest he get kicked out of the ancient artifact.

And since they happen to have a very annoying house guest, they decide to use Bishop to help Nate learn by way of testing his patience.

Inside the aircraft factory (listen I guarantee there are going to be phrases that are simply not used but in my defense I hated history class and only paid attention to the social dramas of Bomb Girls so please ecxuse any errors), Sara and Ava are shown the ropes and put on an assembly line.

Sara sees a part they need and decides to dip out to bring it to Spooner, asking Ava to pick up her slack. As soon as she leaves, another woman asks Ava to cover her too, distracting her momentarily, and causing her to fall a bit behind on her conveyor belt. She tries to slow the belt down but ends up speeding it up by accident, so she panics and starts to shove bolts into her pockets. The foreman catches her so she shoves them in her mouth instead, and honestly it was a very nice homage to the classic I Love Lucy bit.

When Sara finds Spooner and Astra, she’s surprised to see them on janitorial duty, until she realizes why and feels really bad about it. Without hesitation, she tells them they can sit this mission out and stay in the manor until it’s over, not wanting her team to incur unnecessary harm, but Spooner and Astra say they can handle it, especially since they think their position will help them in the long run. Sara hands off the parts and heads back to the factory, but tells them that they can change their mind about bailing at any minute, no questions asked.

Just then, Gladys catches Astra and Spooner with their stolen parts and they think the jig is up. Just as Spatula is about to bail, Gladys softens a little and lets them know that they have a secret lab where they teach themselves skills and fix machinery to keep this place running, and that Spooner and Astra can use it as long as they’re careful and discreet.

Astra is still a little hesitant but she trusts Spooner to get her home.

In the manor, Fancy Zari and Behrad do their best to teach Nate about Persian culture, and while he is a fast learner, Bishop is not making things easy. Nate isn’t sure how pretending to be a host to their hostage-turned-test-guest is going to help him with the Tarazi family, but Zari explains that a good guest makes a good host, and a bad guest can threaten to make a bad host.

At the factory, Ava and Sara are tired from all this womanual labor, but Spooner made one of the parts so she’s feeling great. Astra is frustrated though because it took them a whole day to make one part and they need 18 total.

Gideon is taking her job in stride and Astra decides to take advantage of that by using magic to fake a work order for Mr. Staples to sign.

Staples comes back into the office before she’s done though, and hits her with an extra dose of racism and sexism, dragging Astra to the end of her rope, so she snaps and accidentally freezes him with some wild magic.

Astra feels real bad because this is trouble she didn’t ask for, so she calls in her captains for help. They immediately make it clear that they don’t blame her, which I appreciate because it stresses me out SO MUCH when it’s clear to me someone blames themselves for something that isn’t really their fault and no one takes a second to say “it’s not your fault” to them.

Astra doesn’t know what exactly she did, how she did it, nor how long it will last, so they decide to keep the factory running in the meantime, partially to take advantage of the lack of oversight so they can get their parts made and partially so they don’t cause any wrinkles in time that could attract Overeager Gideon.

So Astra gets to work learning how to run the factory.

Meanwhile, Bishop is in the manor being gross and annoying and entitled in a way that makes me itchy, insulting everything from the towels no one told him he could use to Fancy Zari’s “retro” 2040s cell phone. And unfortunately for Zari, she’s in the middle of trying to teach Nate a lesson, so she has to grit her teeth and be polite to Bishop like when you’re around both jerks and children at the same time.

Lena Waithe on “Twenties” and the Highs and Lows of Being Black, Queer, and Masc in Hollywood

Feature Image of Lena Waithe by Amy Sussman/Getty Images

When I first had the opportunity to briefly interview her back in May, as a part of her press tour for the third season of Master of None, I said “there are few queer creators working who have a reputation that enters the conversation before they do quite like Lena Waithe.”

Six months later — and that’s never been more true. Having spent more time with her, I’m still struck by the unhurried confidence of Lena Waithe’s pace. There was not a person I told about this interview who didn’t have an opinion about what was to come, but in her presence, Lena doesn’t bristle or fold when pushed back against. She also won’t be deterred. I came prepared to our interview ready to talk about her indie darling comedy Twenties, now airing in its second season on BET (weekly recaps written by yours truly right here on Autostraddle!), but almost immediately it became clear that Lena had other plans.

When your interview subject has: created the show with the largest cast of Black women LGBT characters on television (that’s The Chi); created the show with the first Black butch lead protagonist on television (that’s Twenties); written the series with the first Black lesbian romantic lead couple on a major streaming network (that’s the third season of Master of None); and pretty much seemingly single-handedly reshaped the possibilities of Black lesbian storytelling on television in just the last four years, you go ahead and follow her lead on what to talk about.

What started off as a conversation about Twenties became something closer to a career retrospective, exploring not only her shows, but the frustrations that accompany being The First, what it means to find an audience when your shows are too gay for Black media and often too Black for mainstream (read: white) gay audiences, and yes — most surprising to me! — her own opinions about the online discourse around Black trauma and violence has become synonymous with her name in some circles.

Our talk ended up nothing like what I imagined, but something much more nuanced, detailed, honest. An exchange between two queer Black women, who really fucking love television and film (sorry there was no other way to say that) and are trying to figure out how to navigate our different sides of this industry. Real shit? It was one of the best conversations I’ve had this year.

If Lena Waithe’s reputation, almost permanently marked on level “notorious,” enters the conversation before she does — well then, she’s also intent on having the last word. And you know what? Maybe some of the middle words, too.

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Carmen: One of the things that is really important about Twenties, and what we started to rethink about our coverage of the show is… Well, to be really honest, what really started it was our interview for Master of None, in which I banged some doors to get literally five minutes. And we were all very excited even to just get those five minutes! But then during that brief interview, you were willing to reach out a limb and say to your handlers. “Can we get an extra two minutes so that she can ask a second question?” It’s a small thing.

But at that moment was I was like, “That is how we’re going to be able to get so much done in this industry as queer people, as queer Black people, by lifting up each other on these platforms.” It really stuck with me.

I started thinking about Twenties. And then that summer, when we were planning our fall coverage, I said, “I think we need to give Twenties full recaps.” And we do full episode recaps of The L Word, and we do full episode recaps of some of the gay superhero shows.

We’ve never done something like this for a Black show that wasn’t about superheros; for a show on BET. We’ll cover it in other ways, we do reviews, or include it in roundups — but that weekly commitment of a full article, every week, top to bottom, jokes, smart commentary? We hadn’t done that.

And I was like, “I think that is a disservice.” And our other editors agreed. So, we’re doing it this year.

Lena: I appreciate that.

Carmen: One of things you’ve been talking about [in the past], and that we’re getting at here is, it is so hard right now to get attention on this show! And I’ve even noticed a difference from your team this season — with them reaching out and asking, “Can we get you screeners? Are you interested in an interview?”

So I’m wondering if that was something that was intentional for you this year? Your decisions about how we’re going to start getting eyes to Twenties.

Lena: Yeah, I think it definitely is. And the truth is, the audience is going to take a show and run with it. You know what I’m saying?

They’re going to talk about it. So it’s interesting, because if a show that is maybe on Amazon, more people have access to it. Or if the subject matter is about Black family in a very white neighborhood — that’s a more clickable thing. Twenties is about three Black women tackling a dream, one of them happens to be a queer woman.

Does that get enough attention? Does that feed into maybe a story that other people want to talk about? You know what I’m saying?

Carmen: Yeah.

Lena: I want to understand. Some people could say, “She [Lena] leans toward these types of stories.” But Twenties does not fit that narrative. And you can’t act like it don’t exist, and also too, there’s a queer character at the center.

Carmen: A queer masc character at the center.

Lena: Queer masc character at the center. But how many times do you see us on Black blogs? You know what I’m saying? Black sites.

Carmen: No, I do. I think —

Lena: But everybody’s like, “Where’s The Chi Season Five”? [Editor’s Note: As of August 2021, The Chi was on pace to become the most streamed series in Showtime’s history]. And I’m looking forward to doing it! But who’s at the center?

Now we got Nina and Dre in there. We got Imani.

But Twenties is the center. It’s a comedy. And it is on a Black network! So there becomes a question, “Why doesn’t it get as much talk?” Now that I can only ask the question, I can’t answer it because it’s my show. So I do lean on journalists and publications to look at the whole thing and go, “Let’s have a conversation, folks.”

I have to look at you to write about that.

Carmen: Go ahead. Yeah, that’s why I asked the questions.

I think for me, what I think about is… The thing that I think always draws me to your work, to be honest with you, Lena is… OK. We’re having a very real conversation. I’m not trying to take us in these dark places. But I know, and you know, sometimes your work has been seen as very controversial.

But what I have always continued to stand for — and what I find to be really interesting about it — is that I don’t know much other work I’ve seen on television that is so wholly Black and so wholly queer at the same time. And what I find to be… When you look at, say for example, The Chi. The third season of The Chi, had at that point the largest cast of LGBT Black women we’ve ever had on television. Period. On any show.

When you look at Master of None, there we go again, something that’s never happened before. Now we have a Black lesbian couple in the center of a major streaming network show. That’s never happened, right?

And to be honest with you, Twenties, I do think it gets the the least amount of press. But for me, if we’re to look at the arc of your career — I believe Twenties is the shining gem of it. Because I think of the show and I’m like, “Okay, this is a show that’s on a Black network that is historically homophobic and has been a real problem in our community for that. And now here is the gayest, Blackest show I’ve ever seen.”

And then in the second season, it came back and it was like, “And we’re going to have an Official After Show. And the host of the after show is going to B. Scott.” You wanna talk about about legends in our community! You feel me? So I guess if I could ever ask you one —

Lena: Actually, can I ask you a question?

Carmen: Yes, please.

Lena: What about my work makes it controversial?

Carmen: I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sor —

Lena: No. Because we’re having a real conversation. Words are powerful.

Carmen: I think —

Lena: Here’s the deal. I want to be clear about how media also affects how we see our queer heroes.

Carmen: That’s true.

Lena: So you have been almost taught to think of me as a controversial artist. But the work that I’ve done is not unlike those that have come before me. The difference is, those directors and those writers have been straight Black men.

Carmen: I think that’s an interesting question. So let me spin that back to you —

Lena: We’ve just celebrated 25 years for Set It Off. Right?

Carmen: Right.

Lena: It was everywhere floating around. Yeah, Set It Off. I love Set It Off. How does that movie end? Three black women shot down. We will never forget Cleo going.

And then F. Gary Gray was a good director.

Carmen: Yeah.

Lena: Black man.

Carmen: Love F. Gary Gray.

Lena: All I’m saying is… You know what I’m saying? Just trying to compare it [ to Queen & Slim ] —

Carmen: No. I mean, Ok. So.

So if you want my… I’m in no way… I’m in a tough situation in that our publication is an indie publication, I’m going to keep it very real with you. I want to continue to have these conversations with you. I don’t want to say something that’s going to end our professional relationship before it starts.

I also think if we’re going to keep it at a buck with each other, and keep it to where we’re going as a community, I hear you. I think the Set It Off comparison is a very fair one. And that’s a good one. I’ve even personally written about how much I love that movie for the 25th anniversary.

I think what we have to think about is also the context in which these art forms land. And I say that as someone who respects your work.

I think that when we’re thinking about something like Set It Off, when we’re thinking about Boyz n the Hood, we are thinking about what were the stories in the 90s. We’re also thinking about the fact that it wasn’t a time when you could open up your phone and see a Black person get murdered while you’re scrolling your timeline. So I do think that the sensitivity around that has changed in 25 years, by the nature of also the ways in which we see violence every day. And that’s maybe not even… maybe that’s not a fair thing to put on you as a creator.

Lena: No. No.

Carmen: But I do think that that makes a difference.

Lena: But what about Squid Games?

Carmen: Right. But I think with Squid Games, we’re also not talking about Black violence. I think what people, for me, and again I say this as someone who loves and appreciates your work.. Queen & Slim, that’s probably not my favorite. I do love Twenties.

I think when we think about how we’re talking about Black lives, and we’re talking about Black love — and I think Queen & Slim was very much so promoted as a Black love story … you know what I mean? We have to think about what are we showing our community.

And now to keep it really honest, I don’t necessarily think all of the stuff that lands about “Lena Waithe is controversial” is fair. You’re not going to see a lot of those critiques in my writing, because I do try and look at the larger arc of your career. But I think if we’re going to ask about how these creations get made, it’s just an interesting conversation to think about, “Well, what context are they landing in? Are people already tired?”

Lena: But that sounds like what’s being said is that a Black artist, there are certain things you can and can’t do, correct?

Carmen: I would never say that. I don’t say that.

Lena: Of course not. But in essence —

Carmen: Yeah. I don’t know that to be true —

Lena: A Black artist doesn’t get to do what?

Carmen: Yeah, I feel you. I feel like you do what you do —

Lena: Because you would never say because there’s Tarantino again, going back and looking at Django as just… you know…

Carmen: I do think what I’m hearing in what you’re saying — just to bring it back round to Twenties and a frustration that I definitely feel you on, is “where do I get to have the full breadth of my work?” Right?

Because Tarantino did get to make Django. Tarantino also made Pulp Fiction, Tarantino made a billion and.. to be fair I just tried to think of a non-violent Tarantino movie, and that was never going to work. But I think what someone… like what F. Gary Gray has been able to do is that he may make Set It Off, but he also gets to make some very light hearted action movies.

And what you’ve been able to do, in a way that no one’s been able to do, is tell a variety of our stories. And that is really —

Lena: Yes. The question becomes it’s because I’m queer, because I’m woman, now I’m being controversial.

We’re having a real conversation. I’m just trying to write things that are interesting to me. And then on other side, create opportunities for things that… I produced The Forty-Year-Old Version.

Carmen: Yeah. I love The Forty-Year-Old Version. Straight up love it.

Lena: I helped finance. I helped produce. Does that get as much talk?

Carmen: I think it’s really interesting for you bring up something like Forty-Year-Old Version. And what I appreciate, again, going back to the breadth of your career is that, in such a short amount of time, there’s very few people who have been able to do what you’ve been able to do in terms of bringing so many of our stories to light… because even Forty-Year-Old Version has a queer subplot in it, and a delightful one at that.

Lena: Yes, I agree!

Carmen: I think what’s really been so fascinating, being able to follow your career, is the way in which you have built such a variety of content. And I respect the frustration of what it must feel like for that variety of content to then be flatlined.

Lena: But the weird thing is that it’s not.

Carmen: iiiiinteresting.

Lena: I cannot fix my face to look at you and tell you that my career has not been a successful one.

Carmen: No, it’s real successful.

Lena: And because of that, and you know, by looking at my career, I’m not a person who’s going to say, “Let me close the door and sit by myself.”

Anyone can look at Hillman Grad mentorship lab, they see Rising Voices, AT&T — But it’s interesting how — and I’m saying the media, and I don’t know if I’m talking about you — but I am talking about the press, and how it gets how it gets covered. How queer Black masc women are covered.

Carmen: And I think that’s a really important point.

Look… I can’t even make an fully accurate comparison. I was trying to think of a comparison of who else has gone through this door this way that we can look at and say, “We can learn from this person’s career.”

Even if I was like, “We’ve had other mainstream queer content creators, writers, producers who have made it this far.” Right? Sure. We’ve even had a few Black queer mainstream content producers, media makers who have made it this far. But when you start thinking about masc Black lesbian content producers, that list gets very small. Of course Cheryl Dunye, Dee Rees. But who’s traveled this road in such a short amount of time? When I remember the fact that you literally just won the Emmy for Master of None, what, four years ago?

I don’t want to minimize what came before. But if we think of that as like your rocket launcher moment, that’s like four years, right? It does make it really hard because, there is no other comparison.

Lena: And imagine being me! And I think for me, that’s why I think I am very mindful of sometimes, how am I being covered? Because I’m thinking about those young people that are looking, that are watching. Are they like, “oh that’s how she’s actually being treated? Fuck it, I’m going to sit over here.”

Carmen: And I mean, to bring it back to Twenties, that’s something that I know tangibly changed someone’s life. When I watch BET, when I watch not just Twenties, when you watch the after show, I’m watching B. Scott talk about what it means to be non-binary on BET… I’m like, “That is tangibly changing someone’s life right now.”

Lena: Yes.

Carmen: And I think some of what you’re asking is, what does it also mean to take those licks from within a community? Because we’re not always just talking about… since we’ve already kept it 100 in this interview, we’re not necessarily talking about, “There’s a lot of white people who have these very complicated and nuanced feelings about your career.”

A lot of times the people who have these nuanced feelings are Black people, are queer Black people.

And so what does that mean? I guess is what it really comes down to is… I have to imagine it’s hard to have created such a body of work, in such a really short amount of time, and then also have to deal with so many conversations that happen around you.

That just must be really hard.

Lena: Yeah.

Well, my hope is it’s worth it and just the price of the ticket.

Carmen: Real talk.

Lena: Here we are. I don’t have a choice. I’m not going to walk away. Not from nobody. And it can be disheartening, you know? Because you can see it. You can see it. You can look at the print, look at the covers, look at how —

Carmen: It’s a lot to hold.

Lena: Yeah. But I’m going to hold it.

Carmen: This also brings it back to Twenties. Everything we’ve talked about, this whole interview, in so many ways it does weigh on this one show on a Black network, you know what I mean? It does, it weighs right in this moment.

I think, when we think about Twenties, it’s a show that still really hasn’t gotten a lot of attention. Who is finding it? Who gets a chance to even talk about it?

Autostraddle still has a large white audience and I’ve had people write me and say “I can’t find BET. You’re writing about this show that I can’t find.” And I’ve had to physically direct them to BET, to Amazon or YouTube for purchase, the first season is also available on Showtime… I’m like, “You can get the it one way or the other.”

Lena: And the truth is, this is what I’ll say, if people don’t show up for the show, it will go away. So that needs to be your lead sentence. The truth is, because what will happen is… Say we don’t come back — and also, I’m already working. I got a little idea that I’m trying to figure out to keep this thing going for a while — but the truth is, if it were to go away, do you know how many motherfuckers would be devastated?

Like for real. And the thing is, that’s what it almost feels like that’s what they want. They don’t want Twenties to exist. I don’t even know who they is… I’m just saying like —

Carmen: They, the powers that be.

Lena: Yeah! And it’s like… what types of shows are covered. Are we just going to keep looking over there or point over there like, “There’s a gay person over there… [somewhere] in the cut.”

No. We can be centered.

Carmen: We don’t have to be a sidekick —

Lena: Twenties needs to be a phenomenon to make it. And… [sighs]… yeah, it needs to be a phenomenon.

It’s this thing where we focus our attention on as a queer community — focusing on we don’t like vs. supporting what we do like.

Carmen: And if I can just jump in here, I’m going to tell you this because I can take the hits, it’s my magazine. Again, going back to a largely white audience, I will tell you as someone who does the work of monitoring and seeing our clicks… I said this online a few weeks ago, I’ll say it now in this article, we know that if I put two Black characters in the lead title, in the lead picture, that is going to get an estimate of 2/3rds less clicks. Not a third, not half, two-thirds less people are going to look at that.

I’ve started to be more vocal about saying that, because people need to know that. And if we’re going to talk about not only what it takes to even get a show like Twenties created, then we also need to talk about what it takes to get that show supported. That has to be a part of the conversation.

Again, I’m speaking about this from my side of things. I work at a publication that does have a largely white audience, but is having an actively growing Black audience and we have been growing it intentionally for like two, three years now.

And I’m really proud of that growth. And I am so excited to see in my Twenties recaps, we have, it’s mostly Black people making Black jokes, being in community together. I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to build that. We’re at a place right now where we finally have two Black editors on staff, and Shelli (our Culture Editor) is running a whole week that’s literally about strap on sex. Every image is of a Black person for the whole week. Today someone wrote in out of the blue, and they said “Carmen and Shelli, thank you. We see it.” And that was literally just today.

Lena: That’s amazing.

Carmen: Thank you. But also, at the same time, while we’re growing it, while we’re doing that work — I also face the reality of the fact that I have to write the Twenties recaps. 1) Because, I do love your work. I’m so excited to be writing about it. But 2) I can’t really justify paying someone else to write about it yet.

I mean, it’s a gift for me because I never get to write about Black shows this way, in such detail, as I do every week with Twenties, but two, it’s a reality where I’m like, “We have to get people to start showing up for our work.” You know what I mean?

Lena: Exactly. Exactly!!

Carmen: And that’s the reality of it, right?

Lena: And if there isn’t support, we will continue to not be in these universes, in theses spaces.

Carmen: Right. And I’m not really trying to go back to being the side character. I’m being real with you, I really am not.

Lena: How often do we have a queer Black person write about a queer Black character, played by a queer Black woman?

Carmen: Thank you!! That’s what I’ve been saying. How often does that happen?

Lena: And that happened because organically, I saw Jojo (Jonica Gibbs, Hattie, Twenties’ lead character) out there raising money for a web series. People maybe now know the story, but I donated and then got her on the phone. I asked, “What you trying to do?” Just really see where she was at. I wasn’t even expecting anything.

Carmen: I know we have to wrap up, thank you again! These are just two silly questions that I had written down and I will personally be mad at myself if I don’t ask.

Lena: Let’s go for it.

Carmen: Okay. The first one is, so obviously the name of your production company is Hillman Grad, and there’s your Hilman Grad mentorship lab. One thing that we share in common is that I always joke Debbie Allen is responsible for at least 50% of my personality. And I’ve always wondered what is your favorite episode of A Different World?

Lena: I have to give you more than one.

Carmen: Okay, please do!

Lena: Okay. “If I Should Die Before I Wake”…

Carmen: [snaps] Yeeeees. Tisha Campbell.

Lena: Yes! Then “The Cat’s in the Cradle.”

Carmen: Yes.

Lena: And “Mammy Dearest.”

Carmen: “Mammy Dearest,” that’s a good one. I really appreciate that. The dance choreopoem at the end of “Mammy Dearest” is one of my favorites.

Carmen: Okay, so my second question is… I feel like people ask this of Black queer people all the time, but I could not find your answer to it, so I was interested: When was the first time you remember seeing yourself on screen? Where you saw a character and you were like, “That reminds me of me”?

Lena: Definitely Tasha on The L Word.

Carmen: That feels correct.

Lena: Yeah. And then as cheesy as it sometimes sounds, the next was when I saw myself on screen.

Carmen: I think you’re probably the only person who can get away with saying that and it not be cheesy.

“Twenties” Episode 207 Recap: Girl’s Trip

Welcome back to your Twenties recap, episode 207 — otherwise known as fake!Sundance and also it’s Thanksgiving, so I hope you get some good eating. In our last episode, Hattie and Idina had a stud 4 stud date night, and I got allllllll the way up in my feelings about it.

This week the recap might be a little short because I’m publishing it simultaneously with an exclusive whole ass long-form interview with Lena Waithe (!!!!) about the show, the pressures of creating Black queer art in Hollywood, and then some that I sincerely hope you read. But until then…

Marie is waiting at the airport when Hattie walks up with Idina, apologizing for being late. First of all, oh we taking bae out in public now?? Having her meet the crew!?? OKAYYY HATTIE!

Hattie: This is my lady friend, Idina.
Idina: Don’t call me that!
Hattie, to Marie: We’re still working on what to call each other, I mean I don’t want to call you (Idina) my Nubian Queen, but I also don’t want to call you my friend because that just sounds disrespectful…

On the real, this entire exchange probably means a lot to Hattie — not being able to take her girlfriend out in public, of course, was precisely a major reason in her break up with Ida (an aside: WHERE IS IDA!!??!? I need some Mean Femme loving in my life, and I need it pronto!). Hattie tells Marie that Idina really could be the one, which sounds like a lot until you remember that she was fantasizing about walking down the aisle to Anita Baker after less than one night with Ida (Ida come home boo, I miss you!). Anyway, LESBIANS!

Marie was hoping that this trip to Moondance aka fake!Sundance would double as a girl’s trip, like we’re watching a Queen Latifah and Jada Pinkett Smith summer blockbuster. I do wonder, if it’s supposed to be a “girl’s trip” then where is Nia? And why are we seemingly always only seeing two of the three best friends being close at the same time? My meditations on the politics of Black girl friendships will have to wait until another day, however, because Hattie traded in the first class ticket Marie got her for two coach tickets + some snacks. BROKE BITCHES WE OUTCHEA!!! Moondance here we come!

(My Narrator Voice: PS, Hattie reached out Idina’s hand and called her “baby”🥺)

Now that we are at Moondance, it’s important that you know Marie is flirting up a storm with her white co-worker/boss person. Chuck, seemingly in full support of these shenanigans, sent a stuffed animal to her hotel room along with a card that reads, “go on ahead and hoe! Hoe phases are strongly encouraged ‘round here! Love, your betrothed”

(My Narrator Voice: Y’all, I’m weeeeeeeaaaaak!!)

The second thing that’s important to know is that Hattie didn’t plan any of this impromptu romantic weekend with Idina at all. Fuck ups gonna fuck up and Hattie didn’t check the Airbnb ahead of time, so now she and Idina are sleeping on a broken ass cot, Hattie also didn’t get any movie tickets for them to enjoy at a world renowned movie festival, and now Idina’s about to have a fit!

Hattie, doing what she does best, flirts her way out of it. “You’re the one that was talking bout how you wanted to go to Moondance so badly, and now you here, under the moon, and I’m ready to *swivels hips and does a small wop* dance, and you pouting cuz you I don’t have everything figured out yet.”

And that works for a little while, at least until she and Idina find themselves outside of a movie premiere with no way to get in. The white gay at the door notes how cute their (failed attempt) date night is and Hattie, sensing an opportunity, flings her arm around Idina’s shoulder saying, “so can you hook us up with some tickets fam? rainbow rainbow unicorn wink wink.”

The white gay says cute only gets you so far, and that far is the standby line. After all it’s fake!Sundace: “It’s not just a festival, it’s a group of people very dedicated to making sure that indie cinema doesn’t die but also a place for rich Hollywood to thrive. We like to be fair and balanced.”

Now listen, I only playact like I’m connected to “the industry” — mostly I observe from the outside, write my lil words, and hope to make you laugh or think between your work or errands on any given day — but I’m sure for those who know, that was a BURN.

The next day at a Diversity and Inclusion panel, Marie makes the analogy that great movie is a lot like falling in love (cue heart eyes at white boss bae) and then points out that “it’s estimated that the American economy has lost over 16 trillion dollars over the last 20 years do to racism.” A Fun fact, that’s true!

In other straight stories, back at home Big Sister Dear White People cleaned Nia’s crystals. I know I’m not expert on that side of the witchy queer spectrum, but doesn’t that fuck with their karma or something? Also Ben called because he wants to open up his own studio and will Nia join hi— zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

When I woke up, Hattie and Idina are outside some Moondance after hours party when they run into Alicia, a producer we met last year who I am 97.65% certain is Ida’s ex?? Can someone run the tape back on that? (Also, because third time’s a charm, Ida we miss you girl! Next I’m going to start quoting Boyz II Men lyrics, “down on my knees, begging you please..”)

Alicia offers to give Hattie’s script a hook up with her boss, but Idina is worried that the script isn’t ready to send out yet, which offends Hattie.

This is an excellent time to mention that Hattie can’t get them into the after hours party either, but here she goes trying to play a different kind of “fam card” with a new bouncer again, this time it’s “what happened to Black and brown relations? ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏽✊🏾 ” to which the bouncer says, “oh it’s beautiful” before promptly showing her ass the curb.

Back at the Airbnb, Hattie and Idina work together on her script (Adoraaable!) but Idina still thinks it needs another pass. She encourages Hattie to wait to send until after the next writers group, so it can be polished. After all, first impressions last a long time. She wants Hattie to be set up for success.

Hattie bristles, “How would you know? You’re still making latte art at a coffee shop!” (My Narrator Voice: Oh so Idina and Hattie are gonna be short lived then? Because ain’t no way…)

And I’m sorry here, but it simply must be said — I am over Hattie and her defensiveness! It’s thin skinned and immature, especially for a writer. There’s no way Hattie can grow like this! And I thought she had started to learn that lesson after doing script edits with Ida in episode 202, but here we go again, back at the f*Ck**g starting line.

Hattie tries to downplay her insult with a well timed shoulder tap and “you know what I mean”, but it’s clear Idina’s hurt.

Idina says she just wants to help. Hattie says she doesn’t need Idina’s help, she needs her support — as if those things could possibly be mutually exclusive?? Again I must ask, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m built different. But this stubborn refusal to accept help and get better AT THE THING THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR LIFE’S PASSION is such a turn off, on 100 Hattie would be finding a new girlfriend expeditiously.

(And I say that knowing damn well that Jonica Gibbs in this white collard shirt with silver chains is doing it.)

Idina’s pissed. Doing one final check of the email, she spits out “you spelled sincerely wrong” and throws the laptop back at Hattie.

Everything about this is frustrating, so let’s check back in on Marie, who hears a knock on her hotel room door and….

Lawd THAT WHITE MAN DON’T GOT ON A SHIRT!

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Go for yours Marie, we salute you.

Post-Credit Notes:

+ There were so many straight subplots this episode?? And gobble gobble I could not keep up with them! I did catch that Ben broke up with Lauren? And I’m at least pretty sure Nia’s in a love triangle?

+ When Idina told Hattie she spelled “sincerely” wrong, did anyone else have flashbacks to Ida and the “your/you’re” incident from the season premiere? Where we ever so young?

+ I love Marie’s new hair and I hope they keep it

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Hattie would be a mistake I’d gladly make: Literally zero. I cannot.

+ Amount of times I thought to myself that Idina would be a mistake I’d gladly make: Honestly? Also zero, but it’s not her fault! All of her sexy got caught up in Hattie’s mess. Next week will be better.

+ Quote of the episode: rainbow rainbow unicorn wink wink

JoJo Siwa Didn’t Win DWTS, But She Remains the Housedyke’s Favorite

Like many queers of a certain age, JoJo Siwa first blipped on my radar earlier this year when she came out. Thanks to Riese’s invaluable Jojo primer, my knowledge of her has now crystallised as “YouTube something…dance something…giant bow something…gay.”

Some months later, it became apparent that JoJo was slated to appear on season 5382 of Dancing With the Stars. I am very familiar with the format thanks to my own mother’s long-running addiction to the UK progenitor, Strictly Come Dancing, and know all too well its ability to captivate an audience into a glitter-dazzled trance for exponentially increasing hours.

Because this website is an enabler of both the best and worst in me, I took a look at her first dance. I initially got a bit of that late-night internet stalking feeling, where I wasn’t too sure this content was something I should be taking an interest in. Of course, the problem is that these days the internet is the one stalking us, so that one click was all it took for the algorithms to start serving me JoJo’s dances on a weekly basis. I am at peace with this situation, but could probably do with some JoJo dance processing, so here we are now!

Latest Update: 11/23/2021

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THE FINALE

Well, we’re finally here. It’s been a long 10 weeks for a combined 20 minutes and 46 seconds of JoJo actually dancing (yes, I counted). Has it led to JoJo and Jenna’s ultimate triumph or was it just an extended sequin-clad learning experience for us all? Let’s find out!

Before we get onto the dances, it may be useful to get the low-down on JoJo’s competition for the coveted Mirror Ball. For the first time, I’m breaking my rule of not watching the non-JoJo dances so I can provide a thorough commentary, a decision I am only marginally regretting now!

The rival competitors are: Amanda Kloots, a former dancer and TV presenter I’ve never heard of; Cody Rigsby, a former dancer and Peloton instructor (?!) I’ve never heard of; and Iman Shumpert, a basketball player I’ve never heard of who has shockingly never been a dancer. Immediately I clock Iman as the danger: he ticks all the boxes for viewers who love to see “the journey” of non-dancers from awkward lumpy dancing to slightly less awkward lumpy dancing.

Of course, JoJo has been a journey of her own, as we see in her VT before the first dance, where she persuades us that she was actually not that confident when this whole thing started, but has surely blossomed now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2vZ_-Ssi9Y

JoJo’s first dance is a tango/cha-cha fusion. I believe “fusion” means we have even less chance than usual of seeing a dance in a recognisable style with sympathetic music. Sure enough, to the resounding beat of Icona Pop’s “I Don’t Care” JoJo and Jenna deliver the kind of high-energy performance we come to expect, kicking things up a notch compared to their first go-around of these dances. I think the tango portion is the strongest, mostly because JoJo’s hips always look a bit on the leaden side to me in the cha-cha. Undoubtedly the highlight of the dance is when JoJo and Jenna whip their skirts off as they transition between styles, giving me serious Eurovision vibes. The judges are in the party mood and declare yet another perfect score for the pair!

Now it’s time for JoJo’s final reflections on the season. After appropriate gushing about her own personal transformation under Jenna’s guidance, JoJo expresses her excitement at freestyling to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. Yes, JoJo is not going to be holding back with the gay! She is adamant that everyone should dance with the girls they want to dance with!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwRgg7g94wE

For the freestyle, JoJo and Jenna have been generously furnished with backing dancers and are portentously dressed as deconstructed mirror balls. JoJo looks like she’s having the time of her life, and the pair reprise various moves from their time on the show. Dance-wise, I’m not sure we see anything massively new from them but they’re certainly giving it their all, and the pièce de resistance comes at the end when all the backing dancers reconfigure themselves in same-sex pairings to drive this whole shebang home.

The judges are effusive once again with their praise and remind us that we have been watching two women dance this whole time, isn’t that crazy? There is a delightfully bizarre comparison of Jenna to Joan of Arc and Bruno says he wishes he’d had someone like JoJo to look up to when he was a kid. Everyone is very emotional and they get a full house of 10s again!

But will it be enough! Surveying the rival freestyle dances, it’s pretty much anyone’s game. Cody’s camp number I think actually out-gays JoJo, and Amanda’s starts strongly with some aerial dancing before I totally lose her in a sea of identikit backing dancers. I feel like Iman is struggling with the male dancer equivalent of the sexy lamp test, as he’s essentially just existing while his pro partner burns up the stage around him.

The elimination swiftly sees off Amanda and Cody, leading to the match-up I’d been dreading: it’s JoJo versus Iman. Has JoJo managed to recruit enough A-list celesbian vote getters this week to grab the top spot? Unfortunately, she has not! Iman takes the win, much to my dismay, if not to my complete surprise. I explained to my wife about the British concept of a “housewive’s favourite” – aka an affable man on TV that will appeal to the stereotypical middle-aged woman that’s the key demo for shows such as this. She countered that surely the housedyke’s favourite has to count for something?

I do wonder if it was all a bit too gay too soon for JoJo to win. It’s pretty incredible that despite knowing how many people would be up in arms about a same-sex pairing, no-one on the show ever shied away from foregrounding it at every given opportunity, which is a win in itself. Although this wraps up our communal experience living through JoJo’s dance quest, I think she’s firmly established herself as a young queer star who’s here to stay.

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SEMI FINAL: ARGENTING TANGO & CONTEMPORARY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLkQdMaUeVA&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0LDBAispSI&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s the semi-final and we have two full dances in store! First up is something they are calling a redemption dance. It is unclear at first what this means, but I am confident JoJo will do very well because queers on TV are great at redemption arcs. It turns out this just involves judge Len Goodman telling them to have another go at the Argentine tango, and this time dance it like they’re girlfriends rather than a married couple. Also he wants them to ooze? This is something I’ll have to unpack later, but I’m agreeing strongly with Len right now.

The dance itself is a big improvement on their Britney Argentine tango. Firstly, it is to real tango music! Yes, we have the theme I’ve been waiting for all season: Just Some People Dancing Week. Liberated from the tyranny of trying to make dance styles fit wildly unsuitable music, JoJo and Jenna deliver a standout performance. There are leg flicks! Close-body holds! Plus: slinky outfits! There’s something for everyone here, including all the judges, who duly award a round of perfect scores. Hurrah!

No sooner can you say “skip to the next YouTube video” than we are on to their second dance. This is the nebulous contemporary dance. While I’m ever hopeful that one day someone will try emulating Julia Stiles’s Juilliard audition from Save the Last Dance, my expectation is for everyone to look very pained while pretending to dust, artfully.

I think we’re onto a winner here though. The aesthetics are 100% the morning after the 90s lesbian sex rumba the night before. JoJo seems to have found her groove in a run of dances where she can lean into her physicality, and she’s obviously working her leg-warmers off to pick up the next level choreo. I am genuinely floored by the slow motion cartwheel JoJo pulls Jenna into. I am equally floored that I casually used “choreo” like I’m not gleaning all my dance knowledge from YouTube comments.

To me, it feels like a foregone conclusion they’ll get another perfect 40, but JoJo is taking no chances and deploys her crying grandma to defeat the judges. That makes a blemish-free 80 in total, so they must be going through to the final, right?? Fortunately for our frail queer hearts, JoJo again has our backs and has tapped up some A-listers on Instagram to get out the vote, including queer faves Demi Lovato and Cara Delavagina. They are the first couple safely through, although I’m not sure that counts for anything because Tyra Banks has been gaslighting me about the meaning of “in no particular order” for almost two months now.

So, what do we think will happen in the final? I’m confident that JoJo and Jenna are the strongest pairing technically, but I’m not sure that guarantees the win. When I explained to my wife that less talented men do disproportionately well she immediately replied “are we just talking about the show?” Definitely on the UK version the lower scoring guys have a decent shot at success if they capture that elusive mantle of housewives’ favourite. Could the final come down to a battle of the celesbian machine vs middle-aged housewives of America?! Let’s reconvene next week and find out!

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SALSA & RUMBA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9CMYOPFhqk&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUlFphicjT4&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

After last week’s dip into the bottom two, JoJo and Jenna are not messing around with their salsa. From the get-go, JoJo is lifting Jenna with the core strength of someone who would definitely make it past day 8 of 30 Days of Yoga with Adrienne.

I have to admit that when I saw this week’s theme was Janet Jackson, I was not sure how her music would translate to whatever spray of dance styles would be on offer. But this salsa is working for me! There are all sorts of head loops and dips and shimmies that read recognisably as salsa, so I feel like we’re getting a substantial dance meal to offset the flashier parts.

I quickly twig that this week’s approach to hoodwinking the primetime audience about the fact they’re watching two women grind up on each other is to simply cram in more shit than they can process. If you’re still wondering how JoJo flipped Jenna over her head, you’re not going to clock how Jenna somehow cartwheeled onto JoJo in an upside-down split for a very crotch-centric spin, right? The judges are equally steam-rollered and award a well-deserved 39.

But that’s not it! With the contestants having been whittled down over the past 9 weeks, there’s time to ram another routine in. What’s more it’s a dance-off! This format is more sedate than the combative dance warfare I envisaged, with JoJo and Jenna merely dancing alongside rival couple Olivia Jade and Val, who is Jenna’s husband! I feel like Val’s presence is mostly to assert Jenna’s heterosexuality, kind of like the show is doing a big “no homo.”

Why is this necessary? Because the couples are dancing a rumba, a dance I previously compared to a sex scene in a terrible 90s lesbian movie. The evidence at hand:

• Everybody’s dressed for bed, and definitely at the sexier end of the cozy-sexy spectrum
• JoJo and Jenna’s routine ends with a forehead press
• Someone cries (me, 100% lesbian aunt tears of pride)

Also like many lesbian terrible films, there’s a guy getting in the way a lot. I really wish we’d got a dedicated full-screen rumba for JoJo and Jenna because I feel like we’re finally getting to see the kind of grown-up JoJo we’ve had emergent glimpses of throughout the course of the competition. Also, the rumba is super hard! While in many dances JoJo has blasted through with speedy athleticism, the slower rumba really exposes the dancers’ connection and technique.

Anyway, despite being very busy learning two complex dances that she knocked out the park, somehow JoJo also found time this week to educate her youthful fanbase about the existence of live TV, meaning she’s safely voted through to the semi-finals!

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TANGO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhmILko7rT8&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s another week and another theme: Queen. JoJo and Jenna stride out onto the stage dressed as matching Barbarellas, all figure-hugging spandex, to dance the tango to Body Language, a song where 50% of the lyrics are “give me your body.” My fears resurface that we may be about to witness a sexy dangerous dance that both middle America and I will not be able to cope with, for wildly different reasons.

Honestly, despite JoJo and Jenna’s obvious dancing prowess, I am not blown away by this dance. More than ever it feels like we’re watching two girls at the club, and I am really not sure about that synchronised hair pull. This does not feel like a performance aimed at a crotchety lesbian whose interest would be more piqued watching a synchronised IKEA bed frame assembly.

I am swiftly shaken from my indifference when JoJo and Jenna end up in the bottom two. I curse everyone that’s ever slighted JoJo including the entire US, the UK education system, and myself a few sentences ago. I’ve not been watching anyone else’s dances because I don’t want to sully my fantasy of an all-queer dance utopia, however it seems impossible that the straight contestants could be better in any way. Fortunately, the cosmic blip that led to this situation is halted by the judges, who unanimously vote to save our unbowed heroine.

There are two shows left before the final and it’s the first time we’ve seen any fallibility of the JoJo and Jenna juggernaut. I am confident that we’ll see a swell in support off the back of this, but in this day and age who really has confidence in any voting system?

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JAZZ

https://youtu.be/kVQQgwc1To0

It’s horror week and JoJo is embodying my joint-greatest fear — Pennywise from It. This forces me to spend the whole 90 second routine watching from between my fingers, giving the overall effect of a zoetrope of dance terror.

Apparently JoJo and Jenna are dancing in the style of jazz which, as far as I can tell from any other show like this, just means pretending you are in Chicago. What went wrong here! Who took the canes and bowler hats and replaced them with nightmare tutus! What’s worse is that JoJo looks like she’s having tremendous fun doing this. I am momentarily pulled out of my stunned repulsion to admire the no-hands flip and a disarmingly graceful pirouette.

For the finale, JoJo tears Jenna’s hand off and starts monstrously devouring it. I was never a musical theatre kid, but I’m fairly certain this is not what “jazz hands” are meant to be. I’m too scared to even make a fisting joke!
Needless to say, JoJo is awarded another perfect score and Google will ensure clips of this dance will haunt me forever.

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FOXTROT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxiZEFEvnr0&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

We are straying into Gal Pal territory with this Grease-themed foxtrot. Ostensibly, JoJo and Jenna are dressed up as Sandy and Frenchie, where Sandy-JoJo kind of dance-emancipates herself with encouragement from Frenchie-Jenna. They are clearly pushing the friendship angle, and I am clearly wondering why I never considered Pink Lady on Pink Lady action before. Did you know that there is only one Sandy/Frenchie fanfic on AO3? I feel there’s a collective cultural failing here.

Anyway, the dancing is very good! I think JoJo’s getting to the stage now where things are looking a lot less effort, and I have fewer worries about her exuberance taking someone’s eye out.

JoJo and Jenna get a perfect score! Everyone is happy for them! Are they sisters?

Now we are approximately halfway through the competition, it’s time to take stock of the situation and what may lie ahead for JoJo.

With the paso and Argentine tango done, I do wonder if the producers were trying to get the sexiest dances out of the way early. The remaining concern is probably the rumba. The rumba is essentially a 90s lesbian movie sex scene in dance form. Considering there’s already been two Disney-themed dances and a Grease night, it seems only fair that we have a “Terrible Lesbian Film Week” where JoJo and Jenna dance the rumba in stylised high-waisted jeans, in a routine fraught with forehead presses and toe curls and then they cry at the end.

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PASO DOBLE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBY97D__DxA&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

The paso doble is a dance that typically comprises one minute of faffing around with a cape and one minute of moody stomping. Traditionally, this is all supposed to be some kind of allegory for a bullfight, with the woman as the bull and the guy as the matador. This is definitely a more vegan-friendly take, with JoJo and Jenna giving me strong messy exes vibes. We must all hope this is not a play-by-play of a potential puppy custody battle between JoJo and Kylie.

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VIENNESE WALTZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-QBiotX4xE&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s the first of two Disney-themed dances and JoJo is a prince! I wonder if there were many behind-the-scenes debates about which side of the Disney princess/prince divide they’d come down on. While JoJo’s getup is about as masculine as the average boyband member, I am pleased with this outcome. My wife says this is all very heteronormative, but after three weeks of high-femme action, I am confident that Prince JoJo is going to be causing several million pre-teens to have a little think about things.

As for the actual dance, they spin around a lot and I am only moderately dizzy by the end of it. Success!

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ARGENTINE TANGO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ncs06UwPe2Y&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s the third week and we’re already onto Argentine tango, which gives me pause. This is a dangerous sexy dance! The sexy comes from the fact the dance is essentially a close-body seduction to music, and the danger is because the seduction could be killed at any point if you accidentally leg-flick your pointy dance heel into your partner’s groin.

The potential frisson is dissipated somewhat by the fact they’re dancing to “Baby One More Time,” and middle America breathes a sigh of relief that Swedish-produced pop is guaranteed to erase the words “sultry” and “seductive” from their vocabulary before they have to think too hard about these women pressing their bodies against each other.

JoJo is very clearly dancing the lead! Plus, she’s wearing a pink plaid dress with only 50% sparkles, which I imagine is the closest this show gets to butch lesbianism. JoJo has no problems swinging Jenna through their various lifts and twirls with the kind of competence that deserves a lanyard.

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CHA CHA CHA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBIXEN3Japo&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

Without any bow weighing her down on head or costume, possibly for the first time in her life, the world is astonished see that JoJo is 7ft tall. Will she be auditioning for the live-action reboot of She-Ra? I hope so.

Like most of the Latin dances, the cha cha is heavy on hip action, to which JoJo applies herself with a vigour that could sideswipe a lorry. Once again, I am unsure about who is leading, because both Jenna and JoJo seem to be doing the spinny bits and splits that I always thought the follower did. Things are clarified right at the end when they kind of dip each other simultaneously, which is both physically alarming and a clear statement that both these women are in charge! I hope this dance move is federally protected.

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QUICKSTEP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPPpEALxZBQ&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

Immediately I’m relieved to identify JoJo courtesy of the giant bow stuck to her top. The aesthetic for her and partner Jenna’s outfits appears to be harem-casual, the music is Australian alt-rock, and the dance is a ballroom classic dating back 100 years. Struggling to work out what is really going on here, I tap into my deep dance knowledge to remember that the quickstep is thus named because you have to do steps, very quickly. This is definitely happening!

Unfortunately the quickness and culturally-dubious leg-wear is making it hard to tell who is leading and who is following. I feel thwarted in attempts to reflect on how gender roles are at play, because the only gender on display appears to be “chaos.” My overriding thoughts are: “It’s two girls dancing!” Then I worry that “girls” is a little diminishing, so I correct to: “two women dancing, one of whom was not yet alive when I was sitting my finals at uni.”

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“Yellowjackets” Episode 102 Recap: Girlhood Is a Horror

Welcome back to Yellowjackets — pour yourself a bowl of rabbit chilli and get cozy by the makeshift bonfire! As a refresher, I started recapping the series this week, so check out my breakdown of the pilot from yesterday. Below, you’ll find my Yellowjackets 102 recap. If you haven’t watched “F Sharp,” go do that! Or, if you’re here because you’re one of my dear friends who told me the show is too gory for you to watch but you’ll be reading along anyway, welcome! Future recaps will run weekly on Mondays. Alright let’s get to it!

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The episode opens with the chaos of the crash. The plane is going down — fast. Bodies and objects thrash about, the ground nearing, the pilots scrambling, everyone awash with adrenaline-pumping panic. There’s a brief but ultimately revelatory focus on Misty, who eyes two girls clutching hands as the plane descends. Misty doesn’t have anyone to clutch hands with. In fact, there’s no one really around her at all.

The crash is then interrupted by a quiet little flashback interlude to 1992. A slightly younger Misty answers the lip-shaped corded telephone in her bedroom (I have been loving all the 90s suburbia props and set details btw) and is subsequently tormented by a group of girls asking her about anal sex. Misty doesn’t break down and cry. Oh no. Misty defiantly quotes Plato to her bullies, eliciting more bullying, naturally. And just like that, Yellowjackets sets up a pattern that ends up being a definitive piece of “F Sharp” ‘s puzzle: Misty does not react or act in expected ways. She’s a wild card, an agent of chaos. And it makes her a thrill to watch.

Smash cut back to the crash, where Shauna and Jackie are scrambling to get out of the downed plane. Van, the team goalie who we saw slapping her passed out mother awake last episode, is trapped, an electrical fire crawling closer and closer. Shauna decides to help Van out, and Jackie won’t leave without her best friend, so the two struggle to free Van, with Jackie making a last second call to pull Shauna away so they can save themselves. Van does eventually make it out of the plane, and she holds Jackie’s abandonment against her in the most teen of ways. She’s snippy and snarky toward Jackie, and yes of course the stakes are life-or-death, but it’s honestly humorous how petty she’s being given all the death and destruction around them! I love it! I’d be petty if my friend left me to die in a burning plane to save her other friend, too! During the plane crash scenes throughout the episode, there are little moments that show the Yellowjackets haven’t quite mentally caught up to their current situation. When looking for something to sanitize a wound, someone reaches for Jackie’s Sea Breeze astringent skin cleanser, and her initial reaction is to say “hey, that’s mine!” as if this were merely someone trying to borrow her beauty product in the locker room. The accident just happened. There hasn’t been time for it to shape their worldviews yet. Their old lives jarringly butt up against their new circumstances. A visual example of this comes from the image of the girls spreading a Yellowjackets banner over dead bodies. An object normally used for celebration becomes a funeral shroud. That switch in and of itself is haunting.

The girls are scattered for much of these first few minutes, some in shock, some trying to find each other. But they’re forced to come together when they find coach Ben (who as far as I can tell is the team’s assistant coach and is maybe college-age?) trapped under part of the plane. We’re reminded here that they are a team, a very winning one, capable of collective physical feats. They put those skills to urgent use, combining their strengths to lift the part off of Ben’s leg, which has been smashed to pudding. Then here comes Misty, ready to surprise again. She finds a safety axe and smoothly chops the remaining ribbons of Ben’s leg off with one strike. She removes her belt to tourniquet the wound and, face covered in blood, shouts for the other girls to help her move him.

This episode once again moves between time in effective and interesting ways, playing into humorous as well as foreboding juxtapositions. For example, we go from blood-faced, axe-wielding teen Misty to adult Misty on a date, Christina Ricci providing the most hilariously written and delivered line of the episode: “Bubble baths, walks in the rain, muscular calves, escalators, knuckles, steamed clams obviously. Enough about me, what turns you on Stan?”. I mean!!!! Simply incredible. The date is not going well, but just like young Misty with her bullies, adult Misty soldiers forward boldly, refusing to let her date, who seems desperate to get out of there, cut things short.

Back at the crash, Misty is doing full triage, moving between the wounded expertly thanks to, as she explains, taking the Red Cross babysitter training class…TWICE. Misty’s good in a crisis. So good, she almost seems comfortable. So good, she seems to like it.

Over in the present, adult Shauna’s current problems are of the suburban domestic sort: She forgot to defrost the chuck, and she asks her snotty daughter to do so, but of course she doesn’t. She rear ends a mysterious and handsome stranger named Adam (Peter Gadiot), and there seems to be a flirty vibe between them, but also something dangerous? And she’s in couples therapy with her husband Jeff. Remember? The one who used to date her best friend in high school who is now (presumably) dead and who Shauna was sneaking around with back then? SHOCKING that their marriage isn’t going great! They haven’t been having much sex, so the therapist proposes homework: Share a sexual fantasy with each other. Jeff and Shauna are a long ways away from their days of secret sweaty teenage sex. And it’s impossible to sever their current intimacy issues from the roots of their relationship. Jackie is almost an unspoken, unseen presence here, the thread that keeps them tied to each other. Seeing Shauna and Jackie back at the plane crash adds to this. They’re sutured to each other.

In a later scene, Jeff wants to roleplay. He asks Shauna to pretend to be a customer at his work at a furniture store. This results in a very drawn-out and uncomfortable scene between Jeff and Shauna as they fumble through an attempt at sexy furniture roleplay, Melanie Lynskey absolutely nailing the humor but also sadness in the scene. Yellowjackets doesn’t want you to look away from the discomfort here.

I want to end with Misty Mayhem™️, so I’m going to jump around in the episode a bit. While adult Shauna is busy trying to figure out how to make credenzas sexy (seriously, I feel like Jeff put too much pressure on her to perform in this sexual fantasy!), adult Taissa is busy getting in trouble with her wife Simone (Rukiya Bernard) for missing a parent-teacher conference for their son Sammy (Aiden Stoxx). Taissa brought home conciliatory pastelitos, which tbh would work for me, but apparently she’s not gonna charm her way out of this one. Simone is concerned Sammy isn’t making any friends, but Taissa is unbothered. “There’s nothing wrong with a little self-reliance,” she says. Um? Kids should probably make friends, Tai! I think we’re already starting to see some hints that Taissa’s past might be impacting her home life and parenting more than she realizes.

She’s also very clearly struggling with traumatic flashbacks. She attempts to bond with Sammy by making shadow puppets in his room, where he prefers to keep the curtains drawn, yielding a pretty spooky children’s room shrouded in darkness. She makes a rabbit, a snail, it’s all very cute. But then she makes a wolf, and her hands’ shadow sharply morphs into something impossibly realistic. Then Taissa flashes to a memory of a wolf bearing its teeth and growling. But the shadow puppet is much more frightening than the actual shot of a wolf, creepy and unsettling in a subtle, quiet way. What comes next adds to the sense of dread: Taissa opens up Sammy’s curtains and finds taped-up pictures he has drawn. He says he put them up there so “the lady in the tree” can’t see him. Creepy children and their creepy drawings is a common enough horror trope, and I’m not totally sure what’s happening here. A part of me thinks Sammy is just doing normal kid shit (kids are weird!) but that Taissa is projecting her own trauma onto him. Or, perhaps, he has inherited that trauma in some way.

Back at Shauna’s house, Callie indeed did not defrost the chuck. Shauna gets a call from fender bender Adam, and there’s some more flirting, Adam saying he’ll fix up her car if she goes to dinner with him. Shauna turns him down, but the conversation ends with Adam weirdly saying “you seemed like someone that doesn’t play by the rules, Shauna.” This seems to crack something open in her, and when she sees another bunny in her garden, she doesn’t merely stab it the way she did in the pilot. She kills it, skins it, rips its organs out with her bare hands, and makes a chilli. There’s nothing inherently horrific about eating rabbit, but watching her family unknowingly spoon their stews unnerves nonetheless. Sitting around the dinner table not really connecting at all, they seem like a dysfunctional suburban family in a very conventional way. But Shauna is not just some bored housewife frustrated that no one defrosted the chuck. It runs much deeper than that. She’s satisfied by her rabbit slaying and skinning. She likes having this secret from her family. In fact, she’s horny for it. Shauna finally wants to act out her husband’s fantasies after the rabbit dinner. Perhaps she’s a little turned on by her interaction with Adam. Perhaps she tapped into something inside of her when she butchered that animal.

There’s great horror imagery throughout the episode. Even just the way Shauna’s preparation of the rabbit is filmed so clinically hints at horror, calling back to the ritualistic killing of a girl in the pilot. There’s the aforementioned wolf shadow puppet. There’s all the body horror of the plane crash. Church girl Laura Lee (Jane Widdop) searches frantically for her teddy bear, and when she finds him, one of the eyes is missing. But that’s not even the real horror. The real horror comes when a drop of blood drips down on the bear’s face. Laura Lee looks up, and more blood drips down. She screams, and the camera pulls up, a lovely and terrifying shot. It’s here that we finally learn what happened to Coach Martinez. He has been missing most of the episode, his oldest son Travis (Kevin Alves) telling Nat that coach was trying to put an oxygen mask on someone when the door opened and he flew out of the plane. He landed in a tree, impaled by a thick branch. Travis runs up the tree to try to get to his dad, but the branch he’s impaled on falls, the lifeless coach crashing down to the ground near the girls. Nearby but unbeknownst to the Yellowjackets, there’s an etching on a tree. There’s someone — or something — else in these woods.

The etching is definitely meant to be a significant clue, because it pops up in the present timeline as well. Nat, Misty, and Taissa have all received unmarked postcards with the etching on it and the threatening words Wish You Were Here! Nat thinks it’s Misty’s doing. But before we get there, let’s go back to Misty’s hilariously bad date, which ends with the guy driving her home because, according to Misty, her own car wouldn’t start. She says he can meet her pet bird…named CALIGULA. I think it was at this point I realized Misty would be an iconic character. This dude does not want to come inside, but Misty guilts him into it, manipulating him expertly. Once inside, he has his excuse to leave though. Nat’s waiting with her rifle. He bolts, and Misty and Nat reunite. Again, Misty defies expected reactions to things, smiling warmly even as Nat aims a gun right at her. She’s genuinely happy to see her.

Do yourself a favor: Rewatch the episode, and watch Christina Ricci’s face the entire time, even when adult Misty is not necessarily the exact focus of a scene. The expressions she makes are delightful. And they’re mirrored well by Samantha Hanratty in the teen scenes. Adult Misty and adult Nat end up at a bar after Misty insists she wasn’t the one to send the postcards (all Misty has to drink in her home, btw, is coconut La Croix and sherry — a bizarre and delightful detail that adds to Misty’s Bad Vibes tbh!). You may recall we first met Nat in rehab, so it’s probably not great that she immediately orders a shot and a beer (“oh, you got me a drink!” Misty mistakenly observes before Nat downs both) at said bar.

But Misty does not take notice of Nat’s spiral and instead puts on her citizen detective hat. You see, Misty is a seasoned citizen detective, which she describes as “like private investigators except for no one hired us or asked for our help.” Misty tells Nat about Jessica Roberts, the “journalist” played by Rekha Sharma in the pilot, but according to Misty, she’s lying about who she really is. Nat goes through Misty’s files and pauses on a scan of a driver’s license. “You found Travis?” she asks. Misty confirms and says he was someone who didn’t want to be found. Before we can follow that thread, the Dysfunctional Duo (what I shall be calling Nat+Misty from now on) is interrupted by Kevyn, former goth/good friend of Nat’s. He’s a cop now, and he wants to catch up with Nat, who is…moodily disinterested, which is kind of her general vibe.

Seeing Travis on that piece of paper pushes Nat further down her spiral. We watch as she thrashes around a motel room, drinking straight from a bottle, Juliette Lewis contorting her body in strange ways. She tries calling him. As soon as she says his name, he says she has the wrong number and hangs up. Indeed, Travis does not want to be found. We get a few bits of backstory as to why there might be a connection between Nat and Travis. At the plane crash, we see Nat try to get through to him a couple times. They’re both brooding teens. She silently offers him a flask as the other girls carry his father, their coach, on a stretcher. There’s an understanding between them.

And now, the titular scene. I’m hesitant to admit this, because I haven’t talked about it in a longtime and am never really sure what it says about me, but I used to lie to people on airplanes. This was in my teens and early twenties. I flew a lot by myself, and when some stranger would start inevitably talking to me, I’d make up a whole life. A name, a reason for why I was going wherever I was going. I once told a stranger I was an Olympic curler. I don’t know why I did this. But one time I told a group of friends about it, thinking it was a funny little quirk. And one of my best friends looked directly at me and said “aren’t you worried the plane might crash and the last moments of your life would have been a lie?” He was dead serious.

That memory came back to me as I watched “F Sharp,” because a fascinating thing happens where the girls try to make sense of the freak accident and end up talking about guilt. Laura Lee is intensely religious, so she doesn’t necessarily believe things happen without divine reason. She thinks they’re being punished for her sins. Specifically, for the sin of her calling her piano teacher a cunt in her head when her teacher wouldn’t stop harping on her about F sharp. She says it so sincerely. She really believes it. The rest of the girls, of course, laugh. And then we get to see them, for the first time of the entire episode, as they were before. A group of young friends, giggling around a fire as they jokingly confess the sins they’ve committed that brought the plane down. They confess silly things like Laura Lee’s, things that surely would not warrant cosmic punishment. But of course, deeper down, there’s real guilt. Shauna’s sleeping with Jackie’s boyfriend. Her guilt hangs heavy.

That one’s obvious, but there are other threads of guilt in the episode, too. There’s a very small moment in the episode where Shauna looks at Javi, the dead coach’s younger son, who’s in shock. It was Shauna whose oxygen mask Coach Martinez put on as the plane was going down — something we saw in the pilot. If it hadn’t been for that, maybe Javi’s dad would have lived. Van seems to think Jackie should feel more guilt for leaving her for dead, but can anyone really be held to the choices they made in those initial minutes? Jackie wasn’t saving merely herself. She thought she was saving Shauna, too. These girls are still a team, but we’re starting to see the fractures form between them. And we know the deadly place where that’ll eventually lead.

In the final moments of “F Sharp,” Misty goes into the woods to pee and overhears two girls talk about how indisposable she is. They’d be screwed without her. Misty, a hero. She smiles wide. In the present, adult Nat goes out to her car to find it won’t start. Right on cue, adult Misty pulls up. Between the obvious lie to her date and this, Misty’s preferred modus operandi for trapping people seems to be to fuck up their cars. She invites herself along with Nat to go up north to find Travis, asking if Nat would like to listen to podcasts or showtunes on the way. Every single detail about Misty is a gift. Back in the woods, Misty stumbles upon a box. It’s the plane’s emergency transmitter, blinking out a signal.

By the time Misty picks up that emergency transmitter, the episode has given us more than enough information to clue us into what will happen. And still, it’s a shock to watch her destroy it. That one choice has seismic consequences. It makes no sense for someone to choose not to be found. And yet, for Misty, it does make sense. We see Misty as an adult, manipulating people, getting the approval she craves by applying pressure on people until they crack. She’s fine with being loved superficially. She knows how to get people to say and do what she wants. But even before that, we see that small hint of why Misty might choose the wilderness. In her life before the woods, she was trapped in a survival game. Surviving high school. There wasn’t blood or impaled bodies or dislocated shoulders, but there was cruelty. And there was a lack of control. Here, in the woods, she’s in charge. She calls the shots, and the other girls listen to her. They need her. She destroys their shot at getting out, because for once, she feels like she’s in.

Girlhood is a horror, and Yellowjackets makes that explicit.

Last Buzz:

• Lottie pulls her pill bottle out of a caboodle and finds about seven pills left. If you caught the label in the pilot episode, they’re antipsychotics.
• I simply NEED a spinoff of Misty just being a citizen detective and “solving” cases.
• There have already been a lot of very fun little characterization details that add texture to this ensemble. Like, for example, Misty preferring coconut La Croix. And also adult Nat almost exclusively wearing band t-shirts.
• Also: set dressing details! Has anyone noticed all the bunny figurines in Shauna’s kitchen? And Taissa’s sprawling townhouse is the perfect setting for psychological horror, full of shadows and odd light.
• I will complain until my merch demands are met.
• It must be said that the soundtrack endlessly slaps. I found the official playlist, which is updating weekly, but it already seems incomplete? Like where is “Mother Mother” by The Veronicas, which is our excellent lead-in to the title card this week? [Edit: I was so sure this was the The Veronicas’ cover, which I thought was a cheeky choice to play around with time the way the narrative does, but someone in the comments helpfully pointed out it is indeed the original version by Tracy Bonham — either way, it’s still not in the official playlist and I want to know WHY.] It was my second favorite needledrop, after “Glory Box” by Portishead, obvs. I had to take matters into my own hands to make a complete Killing Eve playlist once upon a time, and I will do it again if necessary!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6JihB3z7CClETggkGDnFPg?si=hZCwXLWuQTWXcT3_jYvTDA

There’s Something About a Vulnerable Bad Boi With a Troubled Past

“There’s Something About” is a series where writers chat about the type of babes that make them all hot and bothered by showing you fictional Pop Culture hotties that fit the bill.

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These bad bois (and grrrls) fall somewhere in between the type of people I am legitimately into in real life and hot people I would date in an alternate reality. Would I actually go out with a soulless vampire who has murdered thousands? I hope not! Would I make the mistake of falling for a Shane-type? Sadly yes.

Are there two characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer on this list of four people? Of course, because the series’ two bad bois who I first encountered in my teenagehood were likely the start of this whole type which I’m apparently stuck with for life now.

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Faith — Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my root. From the moment she arrives, acting all cool and tough and sexy and sharing stories about wrestling alligators in the nude, she had my heart. Of course, even in the first episode where she appears, we see she isn’t as tough as she seems — she is terrified of the vampire who killed her watcher and eventually opens up about it. It also becomes increasingly clear that, unlike Buffy, for her becoming a slayer was a big improvement over the life she’d had so far. Going over to the dark side later (hot!) is a result of no one looking out for her. Faith just wants Buffy to love her!!

*Shout-out to Sarah Michelle Gellar playing Faith in Buffy’s body and delivering this jaw-dropping monologue to Spike: “I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.”

Spike — Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Speaking of Spike: Faith is a vampire slayer and Spike is a vampire, but otherwise, they are so alike. They both just want Buffy to love them! Oh, Spike does a good job appearing the classic bad boi with his Billy Idol look (Billy stole it from him, remember?), his punk music taste, and his murderous schemes. But we all know he started out as a big softie writing terrible love poetry and he is very much still that guy. I mean, there’s a reason Harmony nicknamed him blondie bear. He’s also the guy who loved his mom so much he turned her into a vampire only to have her go super creepy and try to assault him, causing him to have to kill her. Ouch, that’s a troubled past and a half.

Shane — The L Word

Shane as the epitome of my type is a bit embarrassing to admit because it is so basic, but I’m being honest here. Shane was a big part of my coming out circa 2006. I’m mostly referring to Shane as she appears in the original series, as a lady-killing, non-committal, rakish lesbian. The Shane who had such a heart of gold that she forgave and slept with (again!) the woman who was stalking her and putting up slanderous posters all over town (Great performance, Tammy Lynn Michaels). Like Faith and Spike, she has the look and feel of the bad boi down pat: tousled hair, ample dark eyeliner, and low husky voice. We also know Shane’s childhood was shitty, her dad left, and she spent some time on the streets. But despite that background, she’s consistently the series’ most loyal friend and really has grown up in Generation Q — I think.

Frankie — Lip Service

Is Frankie just Scotland’s answer to the American Shane? Maybe! But I am talking about my type here, so if Frankie is a lot like Shane that’s not my fault. She also has tousled hair, wears lots of dark eyeliner, and had a troubled childhood with shitty and/or absent parents! Perhaps to differentiate her from her American counterpart, Frankie is refreshingly bisexual, something we don’t see a lot with androgynous women characters. She runs around acting all bad, partying, sleeping around, and behaving terribly most of the time. She starts the series having ditched her one true love Cat right after convincing her to leave her current girlfriend for her. But it’s just because she was scared and didn’t think she deserved Cat, not because she’s really bad!

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Okay people, tell me I’m not alone in loving these bad bois with troubled pasts and ooey-gooey vulnerable centers. And please, share with me more examples of these irresistible baddies so I can expand my repertoire.