How To Support a Sex Partner With an Eating Disorder

I’ve lived with a persistent eating disorder since 2016. Coincidentally, I’ve also been having regular sex since 2016. It’s been a journey with casual partners and committed relationships — often simultaneously. Unfortunately, this disorder has always shadowed my vibrant sexual tapestry.

I now have three years of recovery and a wonderful girlfriend by my side. I think I’m ready to talk about ways we can support our partners who have eating disorders.

Eating disorders dig deep

Eating disorders can affect anyone but disproportionately affect queer people. We’re placed at increased risk by discrimination, trauma, and body dissatisfaction. That last one catches trans people especially hard. If this wasn’t bad enough, eating disorders are also easier to enter and harder to manage when people are caught in other mental distress.

Eating disorders are especially horrible because nutrition is an inescapable fact of life. For most sufferers, our fixation on food and our body image runs deep. It fucks with our routine (or defines our routine). Our bodies are weakened by binge-eating, malnutrition, or destructive habits, and this feeds the distress. It becomes an anchor we drag everywhere we go.

I mean, picture a goblin living in your head that reveals a flash card with an awful message about your body and eating habits. Every two hours. Forever. I cracked eventually.

Sex is also vulnerable to the predations of mental illness

Sex is a deeply personal act. Even casual sex needs a lot to go well for it to be enjoyable. Depression and anxiety impede sex because they color every aspect of a person’s life. Eating disorders do the same.

Perhaps most relevant to sex is that eating disorders devastate a sufferer’s self-esteem. I’ve had sex with people who didn’t want their emotionally sensitive body parts touched or even perceived. I’ve had sex with people who needed the lights to be off. I’ve been the partner who canceled because I thought I looked awful. I’ve both turned down sex and had reckless, risky sex during mental health crises.

The way people have sex tells us a lot about how they see themselves. That’s why it’s so important to support sex partners who have eating disorders. Being a positive force in one part of life can give them (and us) room to breathe in another.

So what do I do if my partner shows disordered behaviors?

Whether a one-night stand or a committed partner, shades of disordered behavior can appear. Our partners may express a persistent dislike of their body’s weight or composition. Some people will not consent until they’ve completed a food routine.

It falls to us as responsible lovers to take small, supportive steps for them. That’s not a call to be someone’s sleep-in therapist. Showing support means being present without overextending yourself. If someone jumps overboard while clutching an anchor, handcuffing yourself to them in solidarity is unhelpful.

I talked to Dr. Martha Tara Lee, a queer-friendly sexologist about ways we can be more supportive for our partners.

1. The first rule is care and patience.

Dr. Lee says the key to supporting partners with eating disorders is to, “be patient, compassionate, and non-judgmental. Educate yourself about eating disorders and their complexities. Encourage open communication and active listening.”

Dating someone with an eating disorder is a commitment to patience and listening. Eating disorders don’t go away in short order. Positive changes are always good, but relapses and struggles are also a part of recovery.

2. Don’t make it worse.

That means not blaming them for their illness or making negative remarks about their body. Dismissing them in times of great need can also worsen the situation. Dr. Lee says it’s especially important to not pressure partners to engage in, “sexual activities or behaviors that may trigger their eating disorder.”

Sex with a new partner is a time of vulnerability, so hurtful words aren’t just risky; they can be downright traumatic. Eating disorders often emerge from remarks about our bodies. It hurts deeply when people re-affirm those remarks.

3. Be mindful of ‘helpful’ actions that may be harmful.

Dr. Lee pointed out several things people do out of care that can be counterproductive to eating disorder sufferers. For one, “unsolicited advice about diet, exercise, or weight loss” is a no-go because it’s a potentially distressing topic. Focusing our advice, “solely on the person’s physical appearance rather than their overall well-being,” prioritizes appearance over what really matters: happiness. Well-being is an all-encompassing experience that isn’t defined by aesthetics.

Although you shouldn’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells, people with eating disorders can be triggered by affirmation with a negative subtext. Being willing to learn and communicate goes far toward understanding what your partner’s specific needs are.

4. Know when to involve professionals.

Knowing your limit is pivotal. There may come a time when professional medical help is necessary. These are the signs of serious trouble that Dr. Lee looks out for:

1. Severe weight fluctuations
2. Frequent binging or purging (induced vomiting, laxative abuse)
3. Physical health complications (electrolyte imbalances, hair loss, disruptions to the menstrual cycle)
4. Major deterioration in mental health

If you see these signs, it may be time to have a serious conversation with your partner. Although the topic is discomforting, further deterioration or loss of life is far worse. Professional and community help (like a support group) can take a lot of stress from you, too.

We love that you care.

If you’ve read this far, then I’m really thankful for your part in this. As both a sufferer and someone who dates people with disordered eating, the most important thing we can do is show compassion to our partners. Whether or not the relationship is permanent, our impact matters. Being sensitive to a one-night stand can leave a lasting impression on someone’s self-esteem. Likewise, we all deserve honest and compassionate communication with our long-term partners.

You Need Help: Wanting To Move In Together but Unsure About Sharing Bed With Dog

Q:

A recent question about cats in relationships encouraged me to bring this question here! I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a little over 8 months, and things are going well! We thought about moving in together around the six month mark. It was partially a financial decision, but we’re also both eager to live together as the back and forth between apartments is starting to feel silly and we’re really really ready for the next step! I was the one who put it on pause for a bit though, and I told her it was because I’m not quite ready to part ways with my personal space yet, and thankfully she was understanding but I feel bad because I wasn’t…entirely honest. It’s not so much that I don’t want to give up my space…it’s that I’m having trouble imagining sleeping with a dog in the bed every single night.

My girlfriend has a super sweet lab mix who I love dearly, but I’m very new to the concept of sleeping with a dog in the bed. I thought they made dog beds for this exact reason?! I’m not even grossed out per se…it’s more like I just wake up a lot when sharing the bed with her dog because he snores, gets up to move around, and makes me overheat. It’s fine for sleepovers here and there at my gf’s but I greatly prefer when she sleeps at mine for this exact reason. (She brings the dog over, but he sleeps in a dog bed when at mine which she was super open to from the get because she understood me not wanting him in my own bed.)

It makes sense to me to set my own rules about the dog in my place, but if I move in with her, I don’t think I’ll have as much of a say over what the dog can and can’t do especially because the dog is used to sleeping in her bed at this point. But I genuinely am not sure I can imagine sleeping with a dog EVERY NIGHT for the rest of my future! Am I overthinking this? Will I just get used to it? Is there specific etiquette for moving in with someone when it comes to like new house rules or something? I love my girlfriend and I love her dog! I just also love sleep!

A:

I honestly love that people are bringing me their pet drama! And fortunately, I can answer this one pretty easily as I too was someone who as a bit hesitant about sharing a bed with a dog upon moving in with my now-fiancee.

First of all, I think it’s totally normal to have reservations about this. I’m not surprised you delayed the move-in process because of it. It’s a big deal! Mixing sleeping patterns and habits is one of the harder parts of moving in with someone. And mixing pets or starting to live with a pet full time are big deals, too. I actually want to start with one of the questions near the end of your letter: Is there specific etiquette for moving in with someone when it comes to like new house rules or something? I think this is an interesting and complex question! I have almost always been the person to move in with a partner rather than them moving in with me. The first time I did it in a serious way, I didn’t vocalize any of my preferences for house rules. I just fully adopted my ex’s way of living. Part of this was because I was young — both in terms of literal age but also in my queerness. I hadn’t been out for very long, and I struggled to really advocate for my true wants and needs in a relationship.

When I moved in with my current partner, I had more confidence and understood myself better. A lot of this actually came from a bout of acute insomnia I experienced at the end of my last relationship that affected me on so many levels I was determined to never let myself fall back into it if possible! So one of the first things I said to my girlfriend as we were moving in together after being long distance for a while was that I didn’t want a television in the bedroom. She agreed to adhere to this even though she was sacrificing something she’d always lived with. And it’s not like I would have ended the relationship if she hadn’t agreed; but her willingness to bend a bit was deeply meaningful to me. I think the partner who is moving in with someone should get some say in the living arrangements and rules and this shouldn’t be seen as an imposition. Because sure, the other person has already been living there and has their habits and preferences, but introducing a new person to a space fundamentally changes the space. You’re the one moving in, but both you and your girlfriend are taking this step together.

I had no clue what I was really getting into by living with my girlfriend’s French bulldog. I hadn’t thought about it much early in the relationship, because in addition to being long distance, I also assumed when we moved in together that I would be bringing my cat from my previous relationship. Maybe this would make some people more anxious — I know mixing pets can be hard! But in my mind, it was more of a level playing field; we both would have a furry companion with us during the transition to living together. I wasn’t bringing much from my previous life: no furniture, no kitchen things, just clothes and books really. But my cat felt like an important tether to my life before and like a sense of stability during major change.

Things didn’t go the way I expected. My ex kept the cat. I freaked out. I didn’t have my tether anymore. But then I turned a corner and just decided to lean all the way into change, into uncertainty. I moved in with my partner and her dog under pretty high stakes conditions: We were moving across the country to a city neither of us had ever lived in for a semester-long residency she got that then turned into a much longer residency because it was early 2020. I like to say we went from long distance to lockdown.

We nested when we first got to her residency, excited to make things cozy and ours. But then the pandemic began and there wasn’t really time to figure out how to live together under normal circumstances, so we got a crash course in cohabitation. All during this time, I was indeed adjusting to the fact of the dog and the fact of her sleeping in the bed with us.

I grew up around dogs but never with one in the house. The dogs I did know slept in dog beds. Now, this French bulldog might be small (and probably is smaller than your gf’s lab mix?) but she is not exactly a silent, still presence. She snores. She gets cold and then wants to be covered. She makes her presence known. And I love her dearly! I was calling her my “stepdogter” within the first month of living with her.

But I won’t lie: Adjusting to having her in the bed was hard. Here are some things I wish I’d had a better understanding of when moving in with a dog: You can definitely be strict with them about which part of the bed they occupy. I sort of just let the Frenchie smash up against me if she wanted to, and my partner was like “you know you can make her stay at the end of the bed right?” I did not know that! Having a blanket that’s specifically hers at the end of the bed helps with this, too. And then it’s easy to wash that blanket separately from your own bedding if you want.

Another thing that helped immensely: upgrading from the full-size bed we had at the residency to a California king. I’m not sure what size bed your girlfriend has but…for as expensive as they are, a giant bed is well worth it when there are bed pets involved.

But something that gives me a lot of hope about your specific situation is that you haven’t actually moved in together yet, which means you are absolutely in a perfect place to actually talk about this with your girlfriend and see if there are possible compromises or solutions to be made. How much does she know about your reluctance to share a bed with the dog? If she’s being an understanding and reasonable partner, she won’t take this reluctance as some sort of indictment of her dog. If she does, that’s a problem honestly! It should be perfectly fine for you to say you’re unsure or nervous about sleeping with the dog every night. This was a literal conflict on The Ultimatum: Queer Love, and I do not think Tiff handled it very well when Sam said she didn’t really want to sleep with the dog. Pets are important parts of our lives, of course. But it should be normal to expect some growing pains when asking a partner to move in with your pets. There will be an adjustment period, and there will likely be some concessions or changes that need to be made to make everyone comfortable. That’s just part of moving in with someone in general.

I’m glad to hear there are at least different sleeping arrangements when you sleep at your place, which makes me think your girlfriend does have some knowledge of your preferences but also makes me think it could be possible to shift the dog’s behaviors if that’s what you and your girlfriend decide to do. If he can sleep in a dog bed at your place, it might be an easy transition to get him to sleep in a dog bed all the time or at least part time. It’s of course possible your girlfriend won’t want to change the dog’s behavior. Perhaps she actually sleeps better with him in the bed. But I think she should at least be open to hearing your thoughts and should take this seriously; your sleep is important, too! And once there are sleep-related problems when it comes to living with someone, I feel like that can be a really slippery slope into bigger issues, because sleep really affects so many parts of of health and lives!

I don’t think you’re overthinking this. I think it’s a really significant thing. But I also don’t think it has to be some automatic relationship dealbreaker. I do think you should talk about it before you commit to moving in. You were ultimately right to delay that timeline, but you should definitely be more honest with her about why you delayed.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

10 Budget Friendly Holigay Dates

Holigays 2023

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, even though my bank account would strongly disagree. It’s the perfect season for hopeless romantics like me because we get to watch all the cute Hallmark movies about meeting your dream partner and falling in love! The reality is, even if you do have the partner of your dreams, we can’t all vacation to a ski chalet to drink hot cocoa and enter their gingerbread house contest for a weekend. However, I am determined to bring the love-dovey season of lights and giving vibe to my dating life, so I came up with a few budget friendly or completely free Hallmark-adjacent options for us. Most of these holiday date ideas could be used with new-er partners or your long-time life partner. Happy dating!

Go look at holiday lights in a wealthy neighborhood

If you already live in a neighborhood or complex that goes all-out with lights, then take a little intentional stroll around town to check out your neighbors’ hard work. If you don’t, or you just want to see some wild front-yard configurations, head to the nearest “nice” neighborhood with the large houses and watch the light show that one house does that’s always the absolute most. The fun part of this is making comments back and forth about what you would do differently, or how this one yard is your dream yard. Bring a warm beverage to-go for added enjoyment!

Visit an animal shelter

I only recently learned you can just show up to shelters during operating hours and look at all the cute animals. You can always say you’re looking to adopt (and then not), but I have not gone on this date, because I will indeed end up taking home an animal, which I guess would really elevate the date. Many shelters are having wild deals on adopting right now, so if there was ever a time to get a pet with your partner, maybe consider doing it now! However, do this at your own risk.

Make a TikTok together

Sometimes I roll my eyes at TikTok couples doing “couples challenges” or even just, I don’t know, being themselves on camera, but for a one or two-time thing this could be fun! It will vary depending on your interests, but you can search for couples’ videos in your TikTok search bar for inspiration. The most important part is to let yourselves have fun and be a little silly.

Attend a middle school/high school holiday concert

If you have children, this might already be an obligation (but still cute if you have an adult date to bring!). If you don’t, check out the calendars at your local high schools and middle schools for their winter events. Usually, the schools will put on a band or choir concert of some sort, and it’s often free to attend! You might be thinking (like I am right now) isn’t this kinda weird if you don’t have kids? I ran this by colleagues of mine of all different ages, who assured me it isn’t, especially since you’re supporting local community arts.

Build a non-traditional gingerbread house

You can build whatever type of house you want, but I think it’s much more exciting to choose something slightly questionable. The mystery and complexity of it all brings more excitement and laughter to the date! Target always has new versions of gingerbread houses on the shelves, like this football stadium or treehouse, but my personal favorite is this house Publix released of a Publix store.

Nighttime photoshoot

Pick out some cute outfits and find a spot that really illuminates after dark. This could be a Christmas market, a park, or even your own front yard. Have a little photo sesh where you each take photos of the other person doing various poses (silly or sexy)! The important part is hyping each other up like they’re the most fabulous model in the world.

Dinner and a movie, but better

Instead of going a move theater and paying for overpriced food, why not do this whole date but from the comfort of your own home! The added twist is that you’ll theme the food and/or drinks around the movie you choose. For example, you could watch Happiest Season and plan to make one of the many meals Harper’s family makes around the holidays. I’ll admit, some movies are much easier to theme than others (insert any straight Hallmark movie involving making cookies), but just have fun with it!

Cooking competition

No grocery shopping allowed! You and your partner go head-to-head in the kitchen using only what you already have to make the most festive, scrumptious dish you can think of before the timer goes off! If you’re more of a cooking person, stick to entrees, but if you both prefer baking, maybe choose something inspired by a certain theme or word. This date gets particularly fun and challenging when you’re near the end of your latest grocery shop and ingredients are limited.

Go to a hotel bar

You may not be able to go to a ski lodge for the holidays, but what you can do is find a hotel in the closest major city near you and go to their bar for drinks! This will give you the chance to look fancy and pretend you’re in that Hallmark movie without actually paying the price. Just get one round of drinks and split a dish to keep costs low. Typically, larger hotels will decorate for the holidays, so you may even have an opportunity for a few romantic photos.

No tech night

Choose one intentional night of the week and set a time frame where you both can’t use any type of technology. This includes phones, TVs, computers, etc. You might need to start off small with 30 minutes, but sometimes the most intimate moments can manifest if you spend three hours of uninterrupted quality time together. Some of the activities you could do in this tech free time could be stargazing, lightening a few candles and playing board games, going on a walk, cuddling and reminiscing about funny moments you’ve shared, or simply just sex.

Do you have any holiday dates planned this month? Let us know what they are!

A Trans Guy’s Guide to Grindr

A Trans Guy’s Guide to Grindr feature image from an illustration by Rafael Henrique/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images and a real DM received by Gabe

Last month, I posted a video where I talked about dating cis gay men now that I’m a trans guy. I’m used to getting transphobic comments that barely make sense, but this video had three in a row of the same flavor. Something about how a truly gay man would never fuck a trans man.

I expected it to really bother me, but instead I was just amused. I thought, “If you could see these faggots I’m fucking, you’d never doubt they were gay.”

Gay men are absolutely gay if they fuck me. They have the “Dua Lipa Radio” playlists, WeHo kickball shirts, and drawers full of poppers to prove it. The idea that a cis gay man wouldn’t fuck a trans man — including the most stereotypical cis gay man — was so not true in my reality. I had to laugh.

Before I transitioned, I both romanticized and feared cis gay male dating apps. I wanted to be “man” enough to use them. I wanted to cruise profiles over brunch in the bored way I saw my male friends do it. And, once I started transitioning, I wanted to desensitize myself to the landmines of microaggressions, especially when I could tell the guy didn’t have bad intentions.

It took about a year, but I did it. I take being on Grindr as my stupidest little privilege – a milestone of my everyday gender euphoria. I feel so happy that I get to do these very average guy activities I thought would always be beyond my reach. That includes complaining about the cesspool that is gay hookup apps. What joy!

Behold: Here is my imperfect guide to using Grindr if you are a trans man or transmasculine person looking to fuck cis gay men.

Pre-Advice:

1. Enable Find My Friends, share your location with trusted sex-positive loved ones, and give them a time that the encounter will be over. (I like to get out in an hour, a fact which has stunned my straight guy best friend.) Also: Have a codeword ready for a mayday situation. (Are we having fun yet?)
2. Apps like BeReal can out you to people you exchange phone numbers with. “John Grindr” shows up in my suggested friends with his full government name. If you don’t want to be found, check which apps give out your info.
3. Learn the terms: NPNC (no pic, no chat) means he doesn’t message with blank profiles. Eyeball emoji means he’s looking for sex right now.
4. Take it slow! Especially if you’re used to dating women. These social shifts can be disorienting but the more you demystify the experience, the less power it holds.
5. People have, of course, met their husbands on Grindr so know that I’m speaking in generalities and jokes. Not every cis gay man is like the ones in this piece, and even then, I’m being silly. I think we all know that, right?
6. You can also use these apps to hook up with other trans guys or with transfeminine people, but this manual is not for that. This is for cis dudes.
7. If you’re a cis man I’ve slept with from Grindr, I appreciate you. Xoxo.
8. I’m using “Grindr” as a catch-all, but this guide could also be for Scruff, Sniffies, etc. This does not apply to enlightened, kumbaya apps like Feeld. This is for the hungry, sissy sluts only.

Let’s go, girls.

1) These men are horny idiots.

If you were socialized female, it’s likely you learned deferential politeness and sexual shame. You also may have spent time in queer spaces full of politically thoughtful and social justice oriented people. But, bitch, this is not Paint and Sip night at the LGBT Center. This is Grindr.

Men may send dick pics unsolicited, even if you specify on your profile that you don’t want them. They may not know the most updated terms for trans people or the vocabulary of our liberation. You are not going to find gender studies scholars on Grindr. Luckily, you don’t care what they think, you only care how they fuck.

Because what’s great about this is it means you don’t have to put politics on yourself either. You’re not an educational representative for trans people. This is sex, not a DEI workshop. You can let all that pressure go, and just explore.

In everyday life, would I want a dude to call going down on me “eating my pussy out?” No! Dysphoria incoming! But after being faced with how rock hard it makes this particular hot boy who seems sincere and also probably thinks Leslie Feinberg is just a cousin of mine from Long Island? I can be convinced. Being turned off by certain words and behaviors is something I thought I’d solidified about myself, and have since learned was very different for me in sexual practice.

It is also so, so okay if you’re one of many trans guys for whom that is a line that cannot be crossed ANYWHERE. Keep an open mind and don’t judge yourself.

2) Cast a wide net.

On the traditional dating app circuit, you might be looking for “Prince Charming.” On Grindr, you are looking for “Prince I Could Maybe Put Your Dick In My Mouth.”

It can be aggressive! I have trans guy friends who are understandably timid, so they focus on one cis guy who seems “safe” and put all their eggs into that basket. Then, when “pedestal guy” bails, they’re left with no hook up and they feel badly about themselves. Nothing on Grindr is personal. The app is notorious for flakiness. It’s 100% not you.

My strategy is to have four or five convos brewing, and to keep searching even still. People’s schedules don’t always line up or someone disappears, even if the conversation was adequate and your desires aligned. If you want to guarantee a hook up for a specific date and time, have a roster of back up possibilities.

And because you have options, you don’t owe anyone anything! You do not have to go through with a fuck just because you don’t want to lose out on a guy who likes trans men. I promise you, from the bottom of my t-dick, cis men who fuck trans guys are a renewable resource.

3) Have a thick skin.

People suck. Their profiles are racist, transphobic, or fatphobic. Consider that not a personal attack or a trigger for self-hatred, but rather a gift. Weed them out immediately!

If you wear a binder and that’s a problem for someone? Bye! Not on T and he misgenders you? See ya! During our first chat, I had a guy refer to my genitals as “a cunt.” I replied, “Hey, is it possible to not use that word?” He ghosted. Good riddance!

Are you gonna get less interest because you’re not medically transitioned or because you ask for a trans-specific accommodation? Sure, but that’s the trash taking itself out. (For clarity: I have top surgery and am on T. I don’t have bottom surgery. I make that clear on my profile.)

If you engaged with every man sending you something along the lines of “Lemme see that pussy,” you’d be on the app all day. Remember a good chunk of these men have fried their brains with a drug meant for horses. You can straight up ignore, block, and move on.

4) Know what you want. Discuss terms and boundaries.

Think about what your ideal hook up would be like, and try to keep your focus on you! Don’t spiral about what a cis man might want from you or how you can please them. Think about what YOU want to happen. Be realistic about convenience and the most likely scenarios, of course, but don’t do anything just because you think the cis guy would want it.

If you want to top, it means traveling with a dick, condoms and lube. If you want to bottom or to use condoms for blowjobs, you have to bring/have them. I was surprised by how few gay men have condoms at the ready, but as I’ve had a few tell me: PreP changed everything and pregnancy between cis men would be miraculous.

One cis guy assured me the other STIs are “just the price of doing business.” While I’m all for ending STI stigma, I had to remind him that “child support” is a much bigger price.

You can put your list of wants and parameters in your profile. Or, if you’re worried about being spotted by someone you know, you can put them in your “saved phrases,” a feature that lets you keep responses to send multiple times.

My experience is that most cis guys will want you to bottom with your front hole. It is easier and quicker and if the atrophy hasn’t hit, it’s self-lubricating. If you don’t want to use it, you don’t have to. (See: “side” as an increasingly popular alternative to “top” or “bottom.” “Side” means no penetration.)

If you do want to use the front hole, bring your lube of choice. If the guy has lube, it’ll be for butts. If you want to get fucked in the butt, amazing. And seriously, if you don’t want to use your bottom half that way at all, you do not have to. I promise no one will be mad.

5) They lie.

Just as a man might say he’s 5’10 when he’s 5’8 (literally who cares??), he will tell you he has been with trans guys before. He is lying.

Okay, not always. And it’s not done with malice! He’s saying it to make you feel comfortable. And God bless him. It’s very sweet and possibly even true!

But be skeptical and proactive. When they rub the inside of your thigh thinking it’s going to make you cum? Move their hand. You’re doing the other trans men they fuck in the future a favor. At the end of the hook up, the CEO of Grindr will present you with a Purple Heart.

6) Care about your own experience more than his.

A mindset that’s helped me during sex with cis men now that I’m trans is that I have stopped caring more about if they’re having a good time than if I am.

It took practice, but I make an effort not to act like my body is an inconvenience or a consolation prize. I don’t go into the hook up with assumptions about what a gay man might want to do or not do. What he might fetishize or be repulsed by. Everyone chose to be here, and he knows I’m trans. It’s really none of my business what he’s thinking.

If the guy says he wants to suck your trans dick, but you’re nervous he hates vulvas, it’s on him to tell you that. Take him at his word and his actions. Enjoy it! He’s a big boy. If he didn’t want to be fucking a trans guy, he wouldn’t be. He finds you hot!

You don’t have to preemptively feel shame about your body parts. Do you know how many cis gay men hate their bodies? Why do you think Equinox exists?

7) No one is having a great time!

Talk to any cis gay man and he’ll share his own hell stories about hook up apps. Bad experiences are part of dating and part of searching for sex. But enough guys are having a good enough time and that’s what keeps us coming back.

That and testosterone makes you hornier than you ever thought possible.

You Need Help: Am I Invisible to Other LGBTQIA People?

Q:

I have a dilemma that you all might have advice on.

I’m an agender, biromantic asexual in my early 30s who would love to be in a relationship. I’ll admit I’m not great with flirting or initiating relationships, but I’m wondering if I give off “straight vibes” or something. Nobody comes up to flirt or ask me out either in general life or at queer events.

I’m an introvert by nature but years of customer service work means I can pretend to be more outgoing, and I’m a pretty warm and friendly person, or so my friends say. I have even tried dressing ‘more queer’ but I still seem to fly under the radar.

My question is: How can I make myself more obvious to the girls, gays and they’s around me? How do other people usually attract others?

A:

Hi! Believe it or not, this is a pretty common dilemma for LGBTQIA folks of all identities and personalities! While I do think extreme extroverts sometimes have it easy because they’re willing to walk up to strangers and say “hi I’m gay” or can more comfortably “make the first move” in flirting situations, I consider myself to be somewhere in the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum and still intermittently struggled with flagging as queer in dating/flirting contexts when I was single.

As far as wanting more people to come up to you and flirt or ask you out, confidence and having a strong sense of self goes a long way. Be yourself. Don’t change aspects of your personality. I already see you identifying some of your own strengths in this letter. You say you’re warm and friendly, so lean into those things. I do think dating and “putting yourself out there” does often necessitate stepping outside of your comfort zone a little bit. Sometimes, you really do get what you give. What I’m saying is you might have to occasionally approach people instead of waiting for them to approach you. The more you do it, the more practice you’ll get. But it’s also possible that if people see you going up to others at queer events, they’ll feel more comfortable coming up to you, too.

There isn’t a secret formula for attracting others, but again, confidence does go a long way. Think about the things you like about yourself. Write them down even. Those things you like about yourself are things someone else could like, too. Assume everyone thinks you’re hot. These might sound like silly little self-love exercises, but they indeed will build your confidence muscles, which will in turn help you when it comes to meeting people.

I wouldn’t take it personally that people aren’t approaching you first. To be honest, I think everyone is struggling with social skills and meeting new people these days, something I usually connect back to periods of isolation during the early parts of the ongoing Covid pandemic.

As for making yourself “more obvious to the girls, gays, and theys” around you, this is something I still struggle with sometimes. Even though I’m monogamously partnered now, I still like flagging as queer in social settings, especially because I’m trying to make more queer friends. That has felt even more urgent to me but also more complicated since moving to Florida. Having queer friends here feels so meaningful. But I also can’t always flag in the easy ways I did before, like when I would wear my Autostraddle DYKE DRAMA shirt to bars in New York. There are plenty of safe spaces where I could wear that shirt here in Orlando, but there are also contexts where I wouldn’t want to have my queerness on as big of a display. That said, I’ve found a lot of ways to subtly flag, like wearing a beaded bracelet that says DYKE (which would only really be visible close up) or tbh by wearing my Yellowjackets letterman, which has led many a queer to approach me to talk about the show. My friend made really cute earrings for herself that are in the colors of the ace flag, which her fellow ace folks are usually able to clock but which just sort of look like funky earrings to those not “in the know.” You can definitely get creative like that!

It’s truly that sometimes ace folks can feel invisible in queer spaces. Ace writer and academic Ela Przybylo wrote a really great essay about it and other discrimination ace folks face for Ace Week this year. If you don’t already have a strong community of ace friends in your life, I highly recommend working in that in tandem with your efforts to date. Dating and seeking out relationships is always easier when you have a strong network of friends and sense of community.

Good luck out there! I promise you’re not giving off straight vibes, because that’s not really a thing. Dating is hard, and sometimes you really do have to take risks and get uncomfortable in order to connect with strangers. It’s okay to wait for people to approach you, but I think a mixture of being the person to approach someone else and letting people come up to you might be the way to go here. Have fun, be yourself, and show off the parts of your personality you like best.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

I’ve Been Non-Monogamous for Eight Years — These Are My Mistakes and Lessons for Happier Loving

feature image photo by Cavan Images / Pippa Samaya via Getty Images

Like most people, I had the misfortune of being raised with monogamy as the default option. I only discovered the vibrant alternatives during my first serious relationship at age 21. Since then, ethical non-monogamy has been my default.

I turned 29 this year, and my love for a non-monogamous existence remains constant. With my third decade on the horizon, I’d love to share some of my mistakes and lessons for happier polyamory. I want to have it on record so I can come back and grimace at myself a few years from now.

Non-Monogamy Lesson One: Labels Should Serve the Telationship

Ethical non-monogamy wasn’t as popular when I began taking part in 2015. The language around diverse relationships and sexualities wasn’t as developed. I raised eyebrows and procured questions when I mentioned my open relationship. Or was it a non-monogamous pairing? Maybe it was a polyamorous thing. I wasn’t sure what to call it.

I wanted to transgress the monogamous norm without raising too many eyebrows. Maybe raise a few in piqued interest but not all of them in unfettered gawking. I wanted my casual partners to feel secure in seeing me — like it wasn’t cheating. I wanted my “person” to be comfortable in what we were — beyond the “what are we” conversation. I skipped between labels in search of the perfect mix of trendy, comfortable, and unremarkable. I only found uncertainty.

Being able to label ourselves is an expression of personhood and agency. It’s taking the world by the short-hairs and finding our own corner. We’re homo-romantic and poly and ace and gay and so many vibrant possibilities. But those labels are only good to us when they serve our enjoyment of the world. Not the other way around. This doubles in importance when we introduce new ways to love into the complex web of our personhood.

I’m just in an open relationship now.

Non-Monogamy Lesson Two: Be on the Same Team

My first attempt at non-monogamy began when my then-girlfriend “opened up” our relationship. More specifically, I was unhappy with monogamy and wanted an open relationship. You can see where this is going. She pointed out repeatedly that she wanted monogamy, but acceded because she didn’t want to lose the relationship.

My behavior was impulsive and heedless. I failed one of the most basic tenets of good relationships: mutuality. I changed our relationship against her wishes. We were no longer a team.

Opening up that relationship strained it. She felt like I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I sensed her discontentment whenever we argued. Her interests weren’t being respected, but I was seeing new people. A few months later, we ended a two-year relationship. All the talk of marriage and becoming each other’s special person didn’t matter in the end. It only would have counted if everyone involved was heard and respected.

Years later, we reconnected and became best friends. She’s in a tight coupling with a man. They share a roof with three cats, two dogs, and one raucous bird.

Non-Monogamy Lesson Three: We All Reach Readiness at Our Own Pace

My current relationship began with the crucial “what are we” talk. I explained to Lucy that ethical non-monogamy was my preferred state. This was a lot for her to take in, since I’m both older and her first serious partner. That relationship did happen and remains our happy place after five years. She’s behind me right now. Being gay with that vampire fellow.

In the first years, there was still tension. When we made it official, I had a pretty specific idea of what our relationship would look like. I pictured trysts with new people on Tinder, Maybe Lucy and would break off for dates with interesting people and chat about it afterward. I saw other people when I could, but she didn’t. I thought the issue was her lack of experience, so I always encouraged her to explore and meet new people. She found an occasional coffee date but nothing further.

The truth was that she wasn’t ready to explore outside of her relationship yet. She’s not me. Nor is she the fantastical person I conjured in the early months of our relationship. Lucy is quiet, reserved, and slow to trust. She’ll do things precisely when she’s ready.

She found readiness this year when she explored outside of our relationship for the first time. One person quickly became two. She’s now helping herself to the perks of an open relationship. Not because of my encouragement, but because she’s ready.

I’ve dated freely for eight years now. It’s not for everyone, but freedom fits me in a way monogamy can’t. My experience of love has been marked by learning, mistakes, and lost relationships. Nothing ever met my expectations, but it’s almost more satisfying to miss my expectations and learn about myself than reach a goal thoughtlessly.

May we all find the care and love we need.

You Need Help: Dating Makes Me Sad

Q:

I’m a queer cis woman in my late twenties and I feel completely undateable and with no idea how to get around it. When I try to put myself out there it typically has the effect of getting my hopes up and letting me down again, which leads to a few months of rocky mental health where I’m too afraid to try again. I can’t do this forever. I want to meet someone and at very least I’d like to have some kind of sex life, but every attempt seems like 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I have lots of fantastic friends who are really supportive, but most are long-term coupled straight friends or queer friends who seem to find dating extremely easy, fun and plentiful, and neither group’s advice/ half hearted belief in my dateability really works for me. I have had two very short gay relationships that both ended making me feel worse about myself and dating in the long run. I hate clubs and bars, and every social attempt I’ve made to meet more queers has just made me feel like I’m not doing queerness enough/properly. I feel like I’m running out of ideas and am starting to feel the jealousy and difference from all my loved up/sexed up friends. How can I stop myself becoming a bitter single hag with dreams of queer love that are too painful to pursue?

A:

I think the best thing you can do for your dating life right now is to actually take a break from dating.

I don’t buy into the idea that you can only find someone when you’re not looking for them. But I do buy into the idea that our bodies and minds are often trying to tell us things and it’s hard to listen. It really does sound to me like dating has put you in a bad place mentally. Dating is hard, and it’s fine for it to feel hard! But it shouldn’t lead to this much mental unrest. If every time you jump into dating it leads to rocky mental health, then I think taking a very intentional and productive break might be what’s best for you right now.

Now, you may be wondering how that differs from other breaks you’ve taken from dating as you imply in your letter that you intermittently put yourself out there, hit that bad mental place, and then stop before putting yourself back out there again. But I think deciding to take a break before getting to that point of rocky mental health that forces you to take a break will make a difference. And the words “intentional” and “productive” are important here, too. The break should feel like it’s on your terms and it should also be a time where you actively work through the feelings that make dating hard.

You are not undateable. I promise. But feeling jealous of friends and also like you’re not “doing queerness” properly are deep-rooted insecurities that are likely holding you back from living your best dating life. I sense an internalized fear that you’re not “queer enough,” and let’s just toss that out the window, okay! You’re queer enough, and there isn’t a “right” way to be queer. If queer bars and clubs are uncomfortable for you, then don’t force yourself to go to them. There are other places and ways to meet queer people, I promise. But also, that’s not what we’re doing right now. We’re focusing on you and on addressing these underlying insecurities.

I feel like it’s common for people to talk about the societal pressure placed on straight women to find a lifelong partner, get married, etc all before the age of 30, but I think there’s often just as much pressure on queer women — plus some additional pressure that feels unique to our community. I don’t know everything about your life, but I do know it can be hard to be queer. Having a partner can feel like a lifeline for queer folks who have complicated relationships with their families or otherwise face social hardships in life. Queer love seems like the obvious antidote to queer suffering. On top of that, I know a lot of people feel like their queerness is somehow inferior or needs to be “proven” to others when they don’t have a partner. But I think all these pressures are bullshit! 1. You can find queer love outside of a romantic relationship and 2. Your queerness is valid and complete whether you’re single, dating, in a long-term relationship, married, etc.

But I also hear you. You want a relationship. Or at least you want to meet someone you have a connection with and also have some sort of sex life. You’re not asking me to present an alternative to any of that. And I promise I’m not! I’m just asking if you’re actually getting anything out of forcing yourself to date right now. I’m just asking if you might have a better shot at dating in the future if you focus intently on yourself and on unlearning the roots of your insecurities and fears. And I’m also telling you firmly that late twenties is not too old. As queer people, we can sometimes feel like we’re somehow “behind” our queer peers, but that feeling is definitely rooted in broader societal pressures and expectations.

It makes a lot of sense to me that you’re especially feeling this way after damage done by two relationships that didn’t pan out. It might help to do some reflective journaling on those relationships. But then feel free to relegate them to the past. Those two relationships do not define you, and they do not doom your future dating prospects. Even though you say they were short, it’s possible you haven’t taken enough time to heal from them.

You won’t become a bitter single hag. I’m bolding these affirmations in the hopes you’re able to really ingest them. Vanessa’s self-work homework assignment to assume everyone thinks you’re hot and desirable remains forever useful. Start small with your self-work: Make a list of the best things about yourself. Start with five things. Then do ten. Then do 15. It will feel hard, and it will feel awkward. But the things you love about yourself are the things someone else can love, too.

I hope you have friends who let you complain to them. I hope you don’t feel like a burden when you do. Dating is hard, and I feel like it’s important to talk about it being hard. You’re allowed to complain about it, to commiserate. Because that’s the other thing: You’re not alone in this feeling. You’re not the only person who thinks this is hard, who gets stressed or sad during the process of going on dates and trying to meet people. After you’ve taken some time to really focus on yourself, I encourage you to think of any of the parts of dating you do like. How can you approach dating in a way that feels the most comfortable to you? I have a friend who hated apps, hated going out due to her super busy work schedule, but still wanted to meet someone and deeply connect. She ended up using a matchmaking service, which costs money and therefore isn’t an option for everyone, but I’m just sharing because she basically had to slow down, step back, and think outside the box about how to make dating work for her. I think there could be other options out there for you, too. But first I think you need to step away from dating before you can figure out how to crush it.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

How To Send Your Best Post-Date Text

Post-date text feature photo by Teraphim via Getty Images

Hello dating dykes, unbothered babes, or, perhaps, poor unfortunates who are powering through nonetheless. There’s been something on my mind lately, and it’s the art of the post-date text.

We’re usually talking after a first or a second date, here, since, by the time you’ve hung out more often, you’ve probably established a comfortable texting rhythm if things are going well. I’ve both sent and received post-first-date texts and have some opinions of my own, but I also wanted to source thoughts on the post-date-text from the Autostraddle x For Them team. What followed was an incredibly revealing conversation that definitely validated a lot of my instincts — and gave me some ideas too.

I heard from one coworker that their friends actually ASK them to help write these post-date texts, and I know that friends and dates of mine have felt anxious about similar situations. So if that’s you, bud, no worries. We’re going to break it down. So, how do you send your best post-date text? We’ve got some simple go-to’s that should be easy to follow, no matter what your comfort level is with texting sweeties right now.

Games Are Out, Have Been Out, Being Direct With Your Post-Date Texts Is In

As it turns out, being direct and saying how you feel has its perks — and is also preferred to the point where anything else kind of feels disingenuous. We DID have a team member say that she would get into playing games when it came to texting if she sensed the other person was playing games, first, but has since shifted out of that practice toward a more direct communication style. Games someone might play include not being up front when it comes to how much you like someone, which, why? Personally, if someone intentionally makes me feel like they don’t like me that much, I’m going to… show myself the door? Wouldn’t you?

So, what’s being direct without coming on too strong? Telling the person you enjoyed the date, that you think they’re cool, texting them at all, continuing a conversation you were having, complimenting them on their date choice if they suggested something to do, whatever! You can say nice things to someone without it being weird or too much! You can also ask for another date, if you didn’t already establish that in person. You just don’t want to start acting like you’re in a relationship or asking weird intimate questions if the other person hasn’t expressed they’re into that. But, with consent, even sexting/heavy flirting isn’t too much if you’re both into it! It’s really a plan-your-own-party kind of situation.

But what if you weren’t really feeling the date, or weren’t super into the person? Assuming that things didn’t go horrendously off the rails, sending a simple “Thank you for the date. I hope you have a good week/weekend/whatever.” without any further follow-up is appropriate, and hopefully, they also feel the same way and will let things lie. If you want, you can be even more direct, thank them, and if you genuinely do want to be friends, tell them you were feeling more of a friend vibe and cross your fingers that they react maturely. (And if they don’t, it’s okay to ghost.)

And if the date was abhorrent? Ghost. Just ghost. No one wants a breakdown of why they sucked to go on a date with, so please don’t send them that, either, unless the other person did something harmful that you want them to be accountable to you for.

As Drew, Autostraddle Senior Editor said, “If the date was BAD, I will not text. My hope will be that it was a mutual feeling and I never hear from them again. If they do end up texting, I’ll respond, but if they text about meeting up again, I’ll send a gentle thanks but no thanks.”

Text As Soon As You Feel Like It

People might be used to hearing about the old three-day-rule or even just the act of leaving text messages unanswered or on read for long periods of time to create tension. Generally, the team was against this practice and preferred not to think too deeply about when to send a text.

It’s especially appropriate when queer dating to send a text making sure the other person got home safe, but that’s not the only reason to send a text. Honestly, from my perspective, queer people range from socially anxious to people who love validation and attention to anywhere in between. Your chances of upsetting someone by sending them a thoughtful text after a date are pretty low, and the chances that if you like them, that it’ll help you deepen that connection are high.

Motti, For Them’s Social Media and Comms Lead said on timing, “I do not have a single rule for texting, I find them time consuming and manipulative. If I think to text, I send it. I don’t wait a certain amount of time or try to play it cool. If I happen to see a text as soon as it’s sent I’ll respond immediately.”

Kayla, Autostraddle’s Managing Editor has a very similar ethos and was happy to explain that she’s “a shameless triple/quadruple/etc texter and always have been. And yeah I just always thought it was a nice thing to do after a date, even if the date was just okay.”

Carmen, our Editor in Chief, is in agreement: “I don’t do the ‘is it too soon to text’ thing, especially if I genuinely had a fun time, because who wouldn’t want to keep a good thing going? I think the silence/’I’m too cool to text back’ can feel like a power move, and I don’t like to play those games or date people who do.” Carmen recommends a simple “can’t wait to see you again!” as part of the text that isn’t too overbearing but is also really clear about wanting more dates!

So, there you go, if you’re wondering if you should text the cutie you had a good date with, the answer is, why haven’t you already sent that after-the-date text, friend?

Finally, I’ll just add that in the day and age of COVID as well as the world generally being on fire and all of us continuously processing horrific things, if the last text you have from a date is about them testing positive or having an exposure or going through something not too fun, it is 1,000% okay to just shoot them another text if you haven’t heard from them in a minute to check in and see how they’re hanging in there, even if it means you’re double-texting or triple-texting.

Make Your Message Personal

While I feel I may do this somewhat intuitively, I did not realize that many folks were actively fact-finding during the date as a part of a larger strategy to have specific details with which to follow up — but they are doing just that!

Carmen will make the text about the date: “If the date went well, then we’re talking about something that we talked about on the date. I love an easy research moment, because it feels specific to that person and shows ‘I was thinking about you <3’ without having to say it. If we wanted to get some dessert after dinner but the bakery had closed, I’m probably going to send you a quick brownie recipe to keep on hand for next time.”

Motti recommends that you “Fact-find like a salesman. They said they love Nike sneakers and omg… guess who just passed a store having a huge Nike sale? Better send a photo and let them know!”

Kylo, For Them’s CEO, swooped in with a new option. “I’d send a voice note,” they say, “My view is that I like to be direct and say how I feel. I think hearing my voice adds a layer of being more authentic, and it shows that maybe I haven’t got a million dates going on (I don’t like to date lots of people at once it gives me anxiety).” So, voice memos are an option! And actually, a really cute one, in my opinion. More people should be trying this!

Put it all together and you can thank them for the date, mention something specific that you have Very Intentionally Remembered apparently, send a relevant pic, and maybe even eschew texting altogether and send them a voice note!

There Is One Post-Date Texting Practice the Team Universally Despises

Motti brought up the “I should’ve kissed you” text and as the team joined the conversation, we all agreed that this is the WORST thing to say and we hate hearing it! Either ask the person if you can kiss them on the date, or keep quiet about not having gotten up the guts to ask. Not only does it come off as lacking confidence, this move can, especially, read as the sender not having anything unique to say to the person or about the date. Not the move!

There Is One Post-Date Texting Practice I Specifically Loathe

I, and others I’ve spoken to, have had the icky experience of hearing from someone in a poly situation where they’re checking in with other people or getting feedback about the date from their partners. I’d say the rule of them is that if you’re checking in with other people because that’s how your poly situation works, your date does not need the details on that process. If you talked with other partners regarding anything negative about the date, do not send that feedback to your date! That’s gross! But, a little “I can’t stop telling the polycule about you,” is cute and acceptable.

In conclusion? You should be texting your dates if you like them, and even if the date was just kind of meh, a quick thank you and a check in to make sure both you and they made it home okay is great. But again? Were you dazzled by her smile and knowledge of 19th century poetry? Did they give you butterflies and show you a place in your city you’d never have gone to on your own, but now adore? Did you just think the queer you talked to for three hours was easy to get along with and incredibly hot? Send. That. Post. Date. Text. Do it as soon as you feel, make it personal, and if you wanted to kiss them but couldn’t get up the courage? That is something you take to your gay-ass grave. Sorry. You’re gonna have to keep that to yourself until the next date when you should probably ask if you can kiss your highly kissable date!

You Need Help: How Can I Date When I’m So Scared To?

Q:

Hi, so I’m a 24 yr old white/cis lesbian who got out of my parents fundamentalist cult when I was 18. I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself to feel comfortable being around people, and I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been. Most people would describe me as sweet, cheerful, and very sincere. However, there’s this desperate loneliness in that I don’t know how to really date?

When I’m attracted to someone irl, I can think they’re cute and funny, but if I get a chance to know them better and have the possibility of being friends, all attraction shuts down like I’m putting up a defensive wall. On dating apps, I’ve had a few dates and one ‘talking’ phase with someone for three months (I thought she was going to kiss me, and then she told me she thought we were better as friends).

Honestly, at this point it’s like I love the idea of romance, but being unwanted makes me flinch. I’m not particularly the prettiest or skinniest girl either, and I try to be confident instead of worrying over my flaws, but I genuinely feel like there’s a gap between me and other gay girls I don’t know how to bridge. I feel like I’m running out of time somehow.

A:

First of all, I want to commend you on the work you’re already doing on yourself to feel comfortable around others. It’s huge that you say you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. You’re clearly working toward growth, healing, and self-acceptance in a really meaningful way.

That said, the thing about doing work on ourselves is that there’s pretty much always more work to be done. This is especially true when growing up in traumatic religious environments like the one you’ve described. You’re unlearning so much, and it doesn’t happen overnight. I know you know that, but I think it’s worth saying, because I think sometimes when we make a lot of progress in our self work then it can be really easy to be extra hard on ourselves. It’s easy to think: I’m good now, so my anxiety about dating shouldn’t be so big. But just because we’ve made progress in some ways doesn’t mean everything is suddenly easy. Dating requires so much vulnerability, and a fear of rejection can be such a roadblock. So, what can we do to confront that roadblock?

It does sound like you might be struggling with some internalized fatphobia and negative self-talk, especially at the end of your letter. You are not flawed. Assume everyone thinks you’re hot (that piece has so much great, actionable advice for working on self-esteem and self-image). Working through these negative perceptions of yourself and deeply internalized ideas of beauty standards isn’t just a matter of trying to be confident. It requires a lot of introspection and active work. Therapy can definitely help here. But also just trying to identify the root causes for why you feel some of these things, which you can do by journaling. There are indeed a lot of outside, systemic forces that can make us feel like we aren’t pretty enough to be loved, and as individuals we don’t have the power to destroy those systems entirely. But we can shift the ways we look at ourselves and refuse these negative narratives. We can tell ourselves we deserve love, because we do. And anyone who would reject us for how we look isn’t someone who deserves our time, energy, or love. Yes, our society puts thinness on a pedestal, but being skinny is not requited to be loved.

I’m also curious if journaling about your fears and that defensive wall you feel yourself putting up could also lead to some revelations about how your time in the cult shapes some of these views. Were there specific beliefs imposed on you that are manifesting now in your fears about dating and getting closer with people? How do you feel about intimacy in general and what things do you still have to unlearn and investigate that could be rooted in your past?

Dating apps can be a really brutal space when it comes to insecurities and internalized beauty standards, because so many of them really do hinge initially on looks and superficial details. Rejection sometimes feels even worse on these apps because it can feel constant. I would actually maybe recommend stepping away from apps for now while you do some work on yourself so you can get to a place where it’s easier to sit with those rejections. I know you’re worried about running out of time or being behind fellow gay girls, but I assure you there isn’t a simple timeline when it comes to these things. In fact, it is better to slow down than to rush.

I don’t think you need to get to a place where you’re totally okay with the idea of rejection — tbh, a lot of folks never get to that place! rejection sucks for everyone! — before you jump back into dating apps, but I do think from the sounds of your letter that it might do you good to pause, to connect more with yourself, and to figure out what it is you want. Again, journaling can be so helpful here. What is it about the idea of romance that appeals to you specifically? What kind of relationship are you looking for? What do you hope to get out of dating? Finally, what are your specific fears around dating? And what are the true roots of those fears? Instead of holding what you call flaws against yourself, identify where the sentiment that these are flaws in the first place comes from.

It’s also possible you need to do some work toward figuring out how you feel about attraction in general. What is it that shifts once you start getting to know someone better? Even if you don’t identify on the aro/ace spectrum, I think there are a lot of great ace writers who are doing work that complicates things like attraction, like this recent piece by Ela Przybylo.

Dating is hard, and dating is scary. Six years on the other side of a fundamentalist cult you were raised in isn’t a tremendously long amount of time. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of great progress, but there’s still room for introspection and growth as you unlearn being hard on and critical of yourself. Refuse to accept the narratives that have been impressed upon you and work toward a sense of self that is constructed by you, not by others. Also, remember that dating does not have to lead to a relationship to still have positive meaning in your life. You can learn so much from dating others — about yourself and about what you want — even if the conclusion is just friendship or going your separate ways. If your fear of being unwanted is making it difficult to connect with people, investigate that fear. You might not be able to banish it entirely, but you can come up with ways to battle it, especially if you start giving yourself a little more compassion and grace.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Lesbian Date Ideas Inspired By Stock Images

feature image photo by eclipse_images via Getty Images

There are sooooooo many ways to be a lesbian — both in reality and also according to stock photos. You can be a lesbian having a bad time during BDSM; you can be a lesbian NOT having lesbian sex; you can be a lesbian participating in homoerotic Christmas activities. Stock photography sure has a lot of ideas about lesbianism! So I thought: Why not see if the stock image overlords have some hot date ideas? I’ve got my usual go-to dates of bowling, picnics, pizza nights, etc. It’s time to think outside the dyke date box. Here are some thrilling and definitely 100% serious date ideas for you and your partner(s) to try out! Just look at these lesbians smiling in all the photos! They’re having the time of their lives! This could be you!

Cook Soup Over an Open Flame!

Nagaiets via Getty Images

This does seem like it might require having the proper cooking tools to do such a thing, but hey, if you have access to a cabin in the woods, firewood, and a large vat, why not rig an outdoor cooking situation with your beloved? Also, I love the nature poem that is the official Getty Images caption for this photo: “Two girlfriends cooking in the winte [sic] nature on a fire in the boiler. Beautiful girls bask in the fire in winter.”

Kiss on Top of Packing Peanuts!

Jewelsy via Getty Images

I think this might be Uhaul Lesbian roleplay?

Exchange Tiny Bags in a Park!

Wirestock via Getty Images

And maybe one of you is pregnant!

Do a Photoshoot in the Rain!

taseffski via Getty Images

You might get cold; you might get wet. But nothing says “I love you” like getting drenched in a downpour while taking selfies.

Decide a Tree Is Gay!

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Nature is beautiful!

Take Turns Pretending Your Eyeballs Are Fruit!

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Do this to your gf and say something like “orange you so silly.” You’ll for sure get laid.

Play Ping Pong!

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Or, you know, just stand around with ping pong rackets gazing into each other’s eyes.

Enter a Portal Into a Different Dimension!

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Bonus points if the portal also makes you time travel!

Do Your Taxes!

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It’s never too early.

Go to a Beach and Rub Sand on Each Other!

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Couples who do skincare stay together or something. It’s nature’s exfoliant!

Disengage From Society and Become Creatures of the Forest!

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You deserve to abscond to the woods with your lover.

Knife Bite!

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Biting a knife!

All the Chaotic Gay Questions I’ve Asked on a First Date

I’ve always been deep, emotional, moody, and existential. As an Aquarius-Virgo-Virgo, I’ve found comfort in the ebb and flow of casual dating while simultaneously over-analyzing every conversation, text, photo, and gesture my potential partner is making. My innately chaotic dating energy has molded me into the incredibly knowledgeable top-notch Perfect First Date Professional I am today.

It’s all about the questions that spark and carry the conversation. Most of my first experiences in adult dating were with women, so my go-to questions were expected, if not already asked by the person I was seeing. As I started recently dating men again, I was thrown into a culture shock of just how gay queer dating is. The following are very real examples of questions on first dates, most of them asked without much context. While some of these first dates spurred from an actual friendship (so, a more acceptable scenario to ask unhinged questions), most of these were under an app context where I literally did not know the person.

I wouldn’t recommend using these unless you want to become someone’s therapist or completely scare them away.

What is your relationship like with your mom? 

Because who doesn’t want to get asked about their mom on a first date?

In all seriousness, I’m not sure if there’s a safe answer to this. The people who are extremely close to their moms have certainly been an issue, and the people who hate their moms have certainly been as issue. Correlation isn’t causation, but mommy issues are a real and scientific phenomenon.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

To which I say to myself “bro, what the actual fuck were you thinking.” The wildest part of this question is that I actually do have a 10 year plan. It’s not some crazy mapped out month-by-month agenda, but it’s the idea that in 10 years I want to be in X place doing X thing with X person.

Do you have color-changing LED light bulbs and/or light strips? 

I gotta be honest, every single person I’ve dated with some combination of these had been a walking red flag, and it always starts with them showing them off. LED lights aren’t a thing that just exist. You will know. They will tell you.

Picture yourself on your death bed. Now complete the phrase: “I’m so glad I ________.” 

This isn’t even a product of dark humor. I genuinely think this gives you a window into what motivates someone.

Would you want to do the New York Times 36 Questions to Love with me?

Of course I didn’t suggest we should fall in love on the first date. However, I will say that I fully did this with a first date once, and it ended in us kissing on a bench in a park so…how crazy is it actually?

How many times do you masturbate a day? 

I distinctly remember asking my first girlfriend this on our first date, fully in public drinking tea on a random Tuesday evening.

Picture yourself at a family holiday gathering (i.e. Thanksgiving dinner) and an argument unfolds between two people you love. What’s you role in this, if any at all? 

I guess I was thinking this would be a good question to weed out people who aren’t capable of conflict resolution? But that isn’t totally fair considering I become a ghost every time I’m at a family holiday gathering.

Do you have more top or bottom energy? 

This seems like a harmless question, but apparently cismen are floored by it.

Do you have nightstands on either side of your bed?

Listen, I have a whole theory on this one. Birthed from a combination of feng shui and manifesting culture, I believe the room you create is a reflection of what you’d like from life. If the person has a bed that’s centered between two nightstands (or a nightstand-desk combination), it means they are ready and willing to make room for two people and not just themselves. I kid you not — it’s the first thing I look for when someone invites me over. The fact that it’s a green flag for me is a red flag for those trying to date me. You’ve been warned.

How many friends do you have? 

A better way of asking this is “what does your support system look like?” but that’s too therapist-y for me.

What are your goals for the end of the year? 

If you’re a driven, ambitious workaholic, I suppose this isn’t an off-the-wall question. However, most of the people I’ve been on dates with give me a deer-in-headlights look when I ask this. Aren’t we all just trying to make is through the day? Yeah, me too, so why tf I am asking this question?

What did you dream about last night? 

With the caveat that if they don’t remember their dream, it’s a beige flag. There’s a reason people called me the Dream Interpreter in high school. Don’t make the mistake of letting me know your subconscious thoughts.

Vibe check: How are you feeling about me?

Bold of me to assume they would give me an honest answer to this — let alone a positive, honest answer. The more I read this, the more horribly narcissistic I sound. In my own defense, I’ll usually share a polished version of how I feel about them. The difference is that I’ve been assessing for that question the whole time, and they certainly haven’t.

Sorry if this feels like an interview. 

Not a question — more like a prompt to let me know how gay the person actually is.

Most of the people I asked these questions to aren’t in my life anymore, if that’s any indication of how things went.

You Need Help: How Can I Help With Someone Else’s Fear of Dating?

Q:

There’s this person I really like. We met on a dating app and things are going well, but any attempt to take things further, a first date, some light flirting, is met with anxiety. Cancelling a date we’ve planned and confirmed, not replying to flirty texts until I make the move to ask what’s wrong and what I can do. I’m trying to let them set the pace, ask them questions about how they’re feeling, trying to feel out clear boundaries, they’ve even assured me they’re still interested, but I feel shut out, blocked emotionally. Is there anything I can do to support them trusting me more? Maybe being less nervous of dating in general? I wouldn’t want their fear to get in the way of what feels like a genuine connection.

A:

I was once in a very similar situation when single in my early twenties. I really hit it off with a girl I met on Tinder and felt like we had a genuine connection. We were flirty and funny over the app. Multiple times, we made plans to go on a date IRL. Multiple times, she bailed at the last minute or even intermittently ghosted. Every time, she’d re-emerge like nothing had really happened. Sure, she’d apologize, but the apology was usually vague and short and didn’t invite much conversation. Then the cycle would repeat. I was lightly frustrated, but I contributed to the pattern by never really asking directly about why she kept bailing. I’d ask how she was doing, how she was feeling, and if she wanted to keep talking (to which, she always enthusiastically replied in the affirmative). But I never asked: Hey, is there a reason you’re uncomfortable taking the next step?

She was certainly aware of her behavior. In fact, she became so anxious about having cancelled on me so many times that she eventually sent me a video of herself talking because she was worried I might think she was catfishing me since we’d never met or communicated over video. TBH, the thought had never even crossed my mind! I had dealt with her unpredictability by pursuing other folks on the app, even though there was a part of me that always longed to hear from her. (Sometimes, I wonder if her withholding behavior contributed to how invested I felt in her — not a great dynamic, to be sure!) Shortly after she sent that video, she opened up. She said she realized she wasn’t ready to date, even though she really thought she was. She liked talking to me, but every time things started to feel more “real,” she got scared. She was just off of a recent breakup, and even though she wanted to be ready to date again, she wasn’t. And her body/brain was telling her that every time she tried to make concrete plans with me, but instead of communicating it, she just bailed. Probably because that felt like the easier thing to do.

I don’t say all this to suggest that the person you’re talking to is going through the exact same thing or that they are not ready to date. I’m just using my own example as a way to demonstrate that it’s really difficult to know what’s going on with another person. In your case, it sounds like you’ve been more communicative than I was, giving them ample opportunity to open up or discuss their anxieties. If you haven’t yet, maybe explicitly asking: Is there a reason you tend to cancel dates/plans after we confirm? Make it clear you aren’t mad or judging their behavior but just genuinely interested in hearing their perspective. If they don’t want to share though, that’s also their choice, but it means you can make your own choice. You don’t have to keep talking to someone who isn’t able to match what you want and give in terms of intimacy and boundaries.

What’s hard about dating apps is that it’s easy to strike up an instant connection in terms of chemistry, rapport, etc. That can make it feel like there’s automatic intimacy and familiarity between two people, even when you’re in the beginning or casual stages of dating. It’s sometimes easier to open up over an app than it is in person. It’s not that it’s fake intimacy; it’s just different. It sounds like this person is perhaps more comfortable in that space but still have emotional walls up even there. I think a few different things could be happening here. It could be similar to my situation and this person isn’t really ready to date seriously but is on the apps to try to convince themselves they are. It could just be that this person is indeed just anxious and fearful of dating in general and takes more time to open up and commit. It could be that this person just is generally emotionally closed off in a lot of their relationships. And if that’s not going to work for you, then you can decide to move on to someone who’s going to be a better fit.

The only thing you can really do in terms of offering support is asking them what they need from you to feel comfortable. Any questions about how they’re feeling should be direct and explicit. Not just “how are you feeling” but “how are you feeling about our upcoming date” for example. Hopefully they will take the opportunity to be honest with you. But I do think it’s important to understand that sometimes people get on dating apps before they’re actually ready to date, because it feels like a low risk environment to do that in. It’s not fair to you as someone who is genuinely looking for connection and someone to date, but I do think it’s just the reality sometimes. I hope you’re able to find someone to have an open and intimate connection with — whether it’s this person or someone else.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Going With the Flow: Red Flag or Hottest Quality?

A few weeks ago, I was playing this cute little bride-to-be game at my soon-to-be sister-in-law’s bridal shower. She had to guess what she thinks my brother’s favorite quality is about her, and we all had to guess if her guess matched my brother’s answer. My SIL wrote “fun,” thinking that my brother would write that as his favorite thing about her. Out of all of the adjectives my brother could’ve written on that piece of paper, his final answer was “she goes with the flow.” I immediately spit up my mimosa as I was not prepared to be triggered in such a violent way. How dare he minimize all my SIL’s wonderful qualities to a fuckboy’s tinder profile bio!

If you’ve been in the dating scene (queer or otherwise) within the past five years, you know “go with the flow” is typically code for some version of the “long distance low commitment” casual girlfriend. It’s like the word “interesting:” It tells you nothing about the thing you’re wanting to know information about, and yet we somehow think it’s appropriate to use in all situations. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, here are some examples.

A very hot person’s bio:

“I like traveling and trying new things. I just kinda go with the flow. Message me if you want to grab drinks sometime.”

Me, asking this person what they’re looking for on any particular dating app
The person: “Idk I’m just going with the flow and seeing what happens.”

Me, asking this person I’ve been dating for a month what they’re into
The person: “I’m pretty chill and laid back. I just go with the flow.”

Me, doing one of the DTR talks after this person confessed feelings for me
The person: “Idk if I can commit to anything right now. I’m just going with the flow.”

Instead of giving into my intrusive thoughts and writing “fuck you” because writing this piece is already so triggering, I’d like to redirect my energy here to consider alternative theories to the demonstrated examples I just provided.

I follow and read a lot of couples therapists’ content (because I’m in school to hopefully become one), and one of the hard and fast rules many of them preach is to always consider the phrase “go with the flow” a red flag. For those of us wanting a relationship, this phrase indicates the person isn’t wanting anything that involves even committing to a day and time for drinks. For those of us looking for something casual, it’s still extremely unclear. If you just want to have a casual sex-based relationship, why not just say that?

The phrase has certainly jaded me, but hearing my brother and this new person I’m dating say it with all the genuine love in their heart really has me second-guessing if “going with the flow” is really the red flag everyone thinks it is. What would it look like to translate this phrase through a process I call “they probably meant _____ but I should probably just ask them what they meant?”

My brother, a quality man who isn’t a fuckboy at all and treats my SIL very well saying his favorite thing about her is that she “goes with the flow.”
My translation: I love that you’re up for doing anything and everything with me. Our lives are both so crazy and require us to travel so much that I appreciate we can both be flexible in how we spend time together and show love to one another.

My friend telling me her favorite quality about me is that I “go with the flow.”
My translation: I really appreciate that you listened to me when I said I was feeling anxious in the store and said we could leave if that would make me feel better.

This person I’m dating telling me they see me in our future together for a long time and also they just want to “go with the flow” generally in life.
My translation: I really like you, but I don’t want to come off too strong. I also don’t want to overthink and get ahead of ourselves when I don’t even know what I’m making for dinner today. All I know is that I want to be with you and only you right now and the foreseeable future.

If I conducted a formal experiment with data, I might find that the intentions behind “going with the flow” really aren’t so bad. However, until then, this ubiquitous phrase still holds a fair amount of charge. Guilty until proven innocent in love, I suppose.

So please, I beg of you, if you use this phrase please just say how you feel!!!!

You Need Help: I’m Afraid of Feeling Like Less of a Trans Man for Not Dating Men

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Q:

Hi, I’ve identified as a trans man since my mid teens (I’m in my late 20s now), and identified as bisexual pretty much all of that time. Recently, I’ve started to question if I’m actually attracted to men at all, and it’s really hitting me with a shame/fear/dread cocktail that I don’t really know how to unpack. I hit a lot of points in That Masterdoc™ (bullied for perceived lesbianism as a child that got me really ashamed of liking women, enjoying the attention I get from queer men attracted to me but bolting when they want to do anything about it, picking the men I’m ‘attracted’ to)… except I’m very sure I actually am just a trans guy gender-wise. The complications this throws in are:

a) I don’t know if I get to use the language of compulsory heterosexuality when it’s… not really that because of the genders involved? When the questioning floodgates opened, I remember one of the things that got me sobbing was that my bullies who called me a d*ke as a child were right all along… and I don’t know if I’m allowed to try and work up to using that as a word of pride in future?

b) I genuinely do not know a single trans man in my real life who isn’t attracted to men, so I feel very alone and also (as silly as it sounds) like I’ll be less of a “real” trans man if I don’t like men? The straight (/only into women — I’m aware some people in my position still ID as queer, which I think is where I’m headed) guys I’ve seen online are very invested/interested in straight culture in a way that I’m not. I don’t really know where I fit if I’m not really gay but I can’t ever really be materially straight either (and don’t want to be).

c) I am worried what only dating women will do to my self esteem. Part of the reason I think I fucked about with men (and even now I’m still kinda tempted to redownload Grindr) is queer men actively hit on me and make me feel like I’m hot. I know my female partners like me and logically must find me attractive, but a lot of them are very vocal and enthusiastic about their attraction to women in a way they aren’t about their attraction to men. I can sometimes feel like a lot of what I have to offer is competency based/about what I can do (especially because I only top and there’s an apparent top shortage) rather than me being desirable as a person. I worry if I stop sleeping or flirting with men, I’ll just be dooming myself to being (or feeling) sexually invisible forever.

What do I do with all these feelings? What language do I get to use? How do I try and find at least somebody else in the world who feels the same? Should I just keep flirting with men anyway because I like how they make me feel, even if I don’t want anything to come of it? I’m not really sure what to do about anything.

A:

Thank you so much for writing in and for trusting us with this question. Okay, so I’m seeing three parts to this situation: 1) You need to figure out whether or to what extent you are attracted to queer men 2) You need to work through the shame/fear/dread combo you’re feeling about maybe not being attracted to men and 3) You need to figure out what you want to do with everything that you learn during these processes!

I’m actually going to start with unpacking the shame/fear/dread combo. First of all, trans, nonbinary and genderqueer people have a range of sexual orientations, just like everyone else, and despite what your social circle reflects, it is perfectly okay and normal and acceptable to not be attracted to all genders or to not be attracted to men. Plenty of people are not, actually, in fact, pansexual. Some people are just attracted to women. Some people are just attracted to women and nonbinary and trans people. That’s literally fine as long as you’re respectful and not shitty about it! In terms of dealing with internalized shame, I want to take a moment to unpack comphet or compulsory heterosexuality which you’re obviously familiar via the masterdoc. So, it’s typically used within the context of cis lesbians to discuss why many women might have trouble realizing they’re lesbians due to the overwhelming expectations around and enforcement of heteronormativity. However, we’re not just dealing with compulsive heterosexuality here, we’re also looking at compulsive cisnormativity and all the strict roles and binaries that cisnormativity strives to enforce.

It’s very okay to have feelings about not knowing yourself because of the pressures of the culture around you. It’s hard and often emotionally devastating even to face that because we aren’t allowed to feel comfortable as ourselves, queer / trans people often only learn things about ourselves later in life, well after people who’re aligned with cultural norms already feel pretty sure about their identities. I just wanted to hold space for that.

Then, there is something specific about the desire and approval of men, though, right? Not only were you made fun of for liking girls / not conforming gender-wise, but also, the attention and approval you get from other men is validating and maybe more so because it holds additional cultural weight. We’re raised and groomed to believe mens’ (especially cis men’s) opinions are more akin to fact: that if men think you’re attractive, then you have more value. This is both something that is tough to shake and also something that I think is really important to shake! You don’t need the approval or desire or even the love of other men to exist. You exist and are valid and hot and awesome completely outside of the realm of other men’s desire. We all exist and are valid outside of what anyone else is thinking. If the attention of queer men, however, is a thing you want and don’t mind getting, that’s perfectly fine, but I think that if you really spend time thinking about why you are so attached, that there might be some elements of this socialization mixed up in that. That might be part of the shame / fear / dread combo, right? You’re dreading a reality where you will feel unmoored without this attention. Unfortunately, in this case, I think the only way out is through.

Finally, you’re afraid of being attracted to women, of being a “dyke,” of being something you were made fun of for. Guess what, though? Being gay or a dyke or queer is awesome, and I do think that even as a trans man who’s attracted to women, if you want to claim language like “queer” or “dyke” or whatever you feel describes you, that’s perfectly allowed and well within the realm of things that people have been doing with language in queer community for ages! Being attracted to women, to trans people, to nonbinary people — it’s a great way to be! We’ve dedicated a whole website to living in that world! I also cannot emphasize enough how it might be time to expand your friend circle a little. It’s important that you are able to talk with people with shared experiences and to be able to bounce ideas, thoughts, feelings off of each other. I’m sure your friends are awesome, but there’s nothing like sitting down at a table and just having a long ass conversation with someone who’s going through similar things.

Okay, so, *are* you attracted to queer men? You mentioned that you like flirting, but that you find yourself “bolting when they want to do anything about it.” Unless you have some fear or trauma around being with men sexually, I do think that if you aren’t really able to overcome any nerves in the name of desire that…the desire might not be there. This is especially going to be reinforced for me if you find it easy or easier to engage in physical activities with women, if you don’t feel like bolting. So, I want you to ask yourself, are you actually into the idea of having sex with men, or is that not something you fantasize about, think about or want? It’s okay to say that it’s not!

So, what to do about it? I think before you get back out there and flirt with any men, that it is going to be really imperative to sort out how you’re feeling. Try to see if you can learn to cultivate a deeper appreciation for your own sense of your value, and get out there and meet more queer people! I recommend going to queer dance events, to meetups, to pick-up sports games — whatever your speed is. I think you’ll find that surrounding yourself with other people who are living their best lives, whether they’re actively dating or single but who are in community and therefore aren’t all alone forever, will be healing and comforting.

I also want to address something you mentioned with your women partners not being as vocal about their attraction to you as they are with their women partners. Have you ever spoken to them about this? I think that if you wanted to bring it up, you could mention that you really enjoy compliments and words of affirmation and all those good things. What might also be needed is a discussion about what kinds of words and compliments you like to receive and how you like to be talked about. AKA do you want to be called handsome? Do you hate being called cute? Providing guidelines for partners can help them feel more confident when it comes to showing you that kind of appreciation, and then you’re getting your needs met, too!

When it comes to feeling like a person, not feeling used, I do think it’s important to communicate and to think about what kind of boundaries you need for that. Do you want to go on a couple dates before you have sex with someone, for example, so that you feel like you actually know each other? Do you want people you’re having sex with to also be up for texting and flirting with you? Are you communicating with partners about what you get out of and enjoy about topping and then seeing that reflected when y’all are having sex? Are there other things you can ask for and communicate to your partners and potential partners? I think that figuring out what you actually need and then being up front with it is a good strategy. In this article, Vanessa reminds all of us that TOPS ARE NOT VENDING MACHINES, and I agree and it’s not a way you should have to put up with being treated. So, at the end of the day, if a partner is treating you like a vending machine, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t have to accept that behavior and you can be up front about that. putting up with shitty treatment is not an effective strategy for avoiding loneliness — it just means you’re going to be spending your precious time on people who are shitty to you while people who would treat you with respect are out there, not getting any of your time. Cool people who will appreciate you as a whole person exist, and I believe you can find them.

Lastly, a return to the flirting with men question. Can you? Should you? I think the answer is simple. If you want, you can definitely create profiles and say that you’re only down for flirting right now. Just be clear, set boundaries and expectations, and trust that other people are grown ups. (They won’t always act like it, but that’s not your problem). But I am gonna caution you to only do this if / once you sort out the whole deep-seated desire for male validation thing.

Honestly, I’m excited for you to do some processing and to start to really refine what you want out of your sexual / romantic relationships. You’ve really, truly got this and I’m rooting for you.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: When Is the Right Time To Talk About Being Exclusive in a Relationship?

Q:

Hey homies,

I’m a lil lost gay reaching out for y’all’s words of wisdom.

As the story usually goes, I met a gal during a hoe phase when I was both getting slutty and opening myself up to dating again after mucho support from my therapist and chosen fam and mucho mucho self work. Didn’t think it would amount to anything, but then we totally hit it off in an off the charts kinda way.

We’re both interested in seriously dating, but are both recovering serial u haulers who are consciously trying to take it slooooooow. Oh, god, and we’re long distance. Which I am very okay with, I have no idea how she feels about this.

I have been seeing other humans until recently when on our last date she made some comments about how she’s ‘pretending not to know,’ about me seeing other women, when asking what some bruising was from by going ‘which girl did this to you?’ I honestly assumed she didn’t care about me seeing other people, as early in getting to know each other she encouraged me to date around to get a balanced scope, which I took and ran with.

My friends hilariously and unplannedly held a ‘fuck boy intervention’ for me the night previously, in which it was highlighted that while yes, in the first few weeks of getting to know someone it is real healthy to date around, going on many dates and getting increasingly serious with multiple, monogamous women was… not the vibe.

I’ve gently tapered down my other dating commitments, because if I’m being real and vulnerable I am super interested in this human. I think she’s awesome in so many ways, love spending time with her, and at least so far our values and visions align in a way that seems healthy.

BUT. When the fuck do you have ‘a conversation’ about these things!? I don’t specifically need her to be my girlfriend and put a label on it NOW, but I am seriously interested in being exclusive with this human. I was gonna wait until the next time I’m in her part of the country in six ish weeks to have that chat in person, but also I don’t super adore the idea of this human seeing other humans, and know that she feels similarly about me seeing other humans I’m like, does this mean I should declare my intentions sooner?

Taking it slow has been really good for me, especially as I’m trying to work through my anxious attachment style and work on self soothing when feeling anxious, but I just. Don’t. Know!

Any words of wisdom would be fucking stellar.

Xoxo

Recovering fuck boy who is TERRIFIED of intimacy

A:

Hello, hi! It sounds like taking things slow and working on yourself and your anxiety are definitely great steps to take, and I commend you for reevaluating the way you approach relationships. I do think your friends were perhaps a little extra for staging a “fuckboy intervention” just because you date around, as it sounds very much like you’ve never set an expectation of exclusivity for yourself or for any of these women you’ve been dating — including the one you’re interested in becoming exclusive with. But so long as your friends seemed to be acting in good faith and just sort of messing with you, I’ll allow! I think sometimes people are made to feel like “fuckboys” when really they’re just regular people with regular intimacy issues! I can’t identify any actual fuckboy behavior from what you’ve written in your letter. So I don’t think you need to be too worried about that in particular! It sounds like you’ve been honest, and yeah, taking things slow is actually a nice thing and doesn’t equate to emotional distance, which is what I associate with fuckboyery.

Also, for what it’s worth, meeting a gal during a hoe phase is common and delightful! I’d argue my fiancé and I met each other in respective hoe phases.

So now, it really seems like your central question here is: “When/how does one have the conversation about being exclusive with someone?” My answer is: Right now, my friend! I understand the impulse to want to have the conversation in person, but six weeks is a long time to wait. While I think ending things is necessary to do in person, I don’t think the exclusivity convo is something that requires it. I do think you could do this face-to-face over FaceTime or another form of video chat if that would feel better for you. But I worry that if you wait six weeks then feelings of jealousy or resentment could fester. If you’re already feeling negatively about the idea of her seeing other people, you shouldn’t just push that down. You want to be exclusive, so you should make that want known now instead of existing in this limbo space. If it helps put your mind at ease at all: My fiancé originally asked me to be her girlfriend via text message in a very funny way. We were also long distance, and it made sense for us to have this convo over text vs. in person, and I was glad she did it then instead of waiting. Also, you def don’t have to put a label on anything when you talk about exclusivity! That part can wait. You can just say something along the lines of “hey, how would you feel about being exclusive, because I don’t really want to see other people anymore.” That also allows her to talk about what she wants.

There are a few things in your letter that suggest a little work might need to be done on the communication front. You note that you are comfortable being long distance but have no idea how she feels about it. That seems like an important thing to talk about! Long distance is hard! I think you should ask her outright how she feels about long distance and how she envisions your relationship moving forward. I worry she is expressing a bit of jealousy when asking what your bruises are from and referencing other girls. It’s not a glaring red flag by any means, but it does seem like some check-ins might need to be done around boundaries, what you both want, and what long distance feels like for each of you. I think this can easily be done when you initiate the conversation about wanting to be exclusive. I understand your fear of intimacy is likely playing a large role here, and I support you taking things slow, but slow still means communicating. Slow still means making sure you’re on the same page.

When you talk to her about wanting to be exclusive, make sure you’re also asking what she wants. Keep an open mind. Be clear about the boundaries and rules of your relationship, as it seems like there may have inadvertently been some confusion or haziness up to this point. To be clear, I don’t think you have done anything wrong, and I again think your friends might be overreacting with their intervention. But I do think that it would be good to set some clear intentions and parameters for your relationship moving forward. And that should feel like a two-way street of you both expressing what you need and want and making sure that’s compatible.

Keep taking it slow! Asking for exclusivity isn’t moving too quickly if it’s what you really want, and it sounds like it’s what you really want. I would do it sooner rather than later — not because you need to speed things up but rather because I think it’s best to articulate your wants in a relationship as they arise. I also think it’ll be a good opportunity to check in with each other and talk about how you’re both feeling. Good luck!

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Eight Things I’ve Learned While Dating at 28

feature image by mikroman6 via Getty Images

1. Shit be changing all the time — and by shit I mean my sexual preferences

It’s 2023, gender and sexuality are on a spectrum, and apparently I’m sexually attracted to cis men, so that’s cool. I spent most of my early twenties worried about what label best reflected me and — don’t get me wrong — that kind of self-discovery was needed. As I approach 30, I wake up everyday a lot less concerned about who I’m seeing and much more interested in how I might surprise myself. Being fluidly queer is liberating, and it makes me so thankful I’m on the backend of my twenties.

2. I’ve noticed extremely specific patterns that are neither good nor bad, just oddly specific?

All of the past few people I’ve been on dates with cannot drive. They literally don’t have a driver’s license. My first serious girlfriend also couldn’t drive nor had a license. I’ve also almost exclusively dated people who are extremely into DnD, despite never having played it myself — or even having any interest in it. I guess I might say that I’m into nerds but the funny thing is, I’m not into any of the nerdy stuff that makes them nerds. Somehow, I always seem to find that golden retriever gamer who has ADHD.

3. Breakup texts are almost a weekly thing

Even though I really don’t date a lot of people at once, it always feels like I’m sending — or contemplating sending — a “let’s just be friends” text. For some people, this isn’t anything to get caught up on but, as a nonconfrontational, indecisive people-pleaser, it takes weeks of building myself up to communicate such a simple thing. This is what makes dating so exhausting. However, the older I get, the less personal these interactions become.

4. Do I want a hot girl summer or a spouse? Why can’t I have both?

…which is exactly why I end up in weird situationships. Every summer, the same thing happens. I want a cute summer fling (or flings) with the guarantee that come fall I’ll have someone for cuffing season. It doesn’t work like that, and it never has (at least for me). This summer in particular, I feel the pressure of meeting someone and settling down, but I also want that summertime lazy August affair. A perfect romance would exist in both worlds, but in this bleak dating scene, it seems like that reality is worlds away.

5. Suddenly my ovaries are working, and I quite literally feel the pressure

I’m a big wedding and traditions person, and all of my friends and family are either married, engaged, have children, or are in very serious long-term partnerships. This never used to bother me until I realized that in two to five years when I (hopefully) have a serious partner, all my friends will have whole families and won’t be as available to do all the fun wedding things I do for them now. Sure, life isn’t all about the “fun” young stuff, but I’ve dreamed of doing the whole wedding thing since I was a little girl: the rowdy bachelorette party, the cute family bridal shower, the bridal party with all my best friends fussing over me. It’s not so much that all my friends are having kids and I have baby fever; it’s more like I don’t want to get left in the dust to be runner-up in all my friends’ lives with no ride-or-die to rely on.

6. “Do you have a Snap?”

LITERALLY NO. Okay, I do, and I only got it because some younger cis straight man told me it’s his only method of communication. Is this what the kids are doing now (and to be clear, kids meaning Genz Z folks in their twenties)? Does this make me old? I had a whole DTR conversation via Snap last night, and I regret it. Then again, I also used it for adult fun last night, so how judgemental can I really be?

7. Things got a lot easier when I applied a vetting process

Up until about two years ago, I spent most of my romantic life convincing other people to be with me. It’s not that they didn’t like me; it’s more that I had a habit of cornering people into a traditional relationship despite the signs it probably should’ve just been a flirtationship or sex thing. Once I started seriously applying my checklist of green and red flags to folks I started seeing, the whole breakup text thing got a lot easier. It’s not personal; it’s just not what I’m looking for.

8. The absolute key to dating is having ride-or-die friends

I could not have taken on the past year of dating without my best friends. They’ve been there to pick out my outfits, help me craft that “wanna go out?” text, help me discern someone’s semi-shady intentions, answer embarrassing sex-related health questions, and even give me pointers and techniques for, you know, stuff. Even when the rollercoaster of dating dips down and has me ending the evening in tears, my best friends are always there to pick up the pieces, validate my feelings, and call people out on their shit when warranted. I couldn’t navigate my own boundaries, attachment styles, and hesitations without the consistent support of my girls.

You Need Help: How Do I Convince My Girlfriend That I Care?

Q:

Hi, I’ve been dating this girl for 9 months. I was head over heels for her since the minute I met her. Then I became a caregiver for my grandmother and became very burnt out — but still used every last ounce of my energy to spend with her. She told me at the 3 month mark that she loved me. (I’m 44 and have been through 2 long term relationships with people that I also thought I loved and saw them fall to a complacent bland and then dramatic existence and I am not quick to say these words. Not even with family. I clam up. I’ve always been very shy about these things. My good friends never knew who I was interested in until I was deeply involved.) So I clammed up and that started what became the 6 months of insecurity hell.

I would literally be trying to get all my work done faster so I could spend time with her but then when I’d see her she was upset that I didn’t text her all night. Or sometimes my grandmother would decide she wanted to stay up late in the living room watching movies until midnight, which would prevent me from being able to come out. I also started knitting my girlfriend socks while I was trapped watching movies — another thing that prevented me from power texting. So then when I saw her again she was worked up that I was avoiding her where I’ve actually been so excited to give her the socks I’ve been making her. She loves blue and rainbows and black so I make socks with this and was really excited to give it to her.

Then I became more burnt out and when we’d hang out I would pass out. Or I really started not getting any time alone and when I’d mention that I’d need some down time, she would end up really upset that I don’t want to spend time with her or anything. And she would start telling me I’m using her etc. I really care a lot about her but she has started getting advice from the internet and friends that I’m bread-crumbing her and lying to her when I’m not with her. It makes me panic and sometimes angry because I’ve done so much for her with time I really didn’t have for myself. I bought her dog training classes, i bought her leather things she likes, I went on dog walks with her if my grandmother was napping, I brought her xc skiing with me, I paid for her to come to the climbing gym with me, I slept at her house many nights that I should have actually been watching my grandmother (she wants someone there during the night while she sleeps, but I would sneak out). I rented AirBNBs and got a grandmother sitter so we could go away on weekends to have time alone together. I text a lot, I really have strong feelings for her too. But she words things in ways that I can’t win and she is making me want more space when I know that’s not what she actually wants. But her language becomes kind of abusive in an indirect way and I don’t know what to do.

All the advice online seems to really push the u-haul advice, and so according to stuff she reads online confirms I’m moving too slow, bread-crumbing her or stringing her along.

I already really loved her but she’s not feeling it from me and I don’t know how to make her feel more loved when it feels like she is cornering me and demanding I love her more.

I’ve read about anxious and insecure attachment styles and I’ve also noticed this comes up once a month…

She’s now just decided yesterday we can only be friends because she’s convinced I’m uninterested.

How do I bridge the gap between how I feel for her and how she feels?

A:

Oh, friend. First of all, I want to acknowledge the huge amount of labor that you’re currently doing for your grandmother — both physically and emotionally. I know both first-hand and from my day job that caregiving for our older loved ones can be really rewarding, but it can also be really draining, especially when you don’t have sufficient opportunities for respite. Having to stay in and stay up late to watch movies with your grandmother when that’s not a choice you would make for yourself, sneaking out… it feels to me like you’re describing a situation that is not going to be sustainable long-term. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.

This isn’t exactly what you wrote in to ask us about, but I’m curious whether there are other family members who could help to share the load of this caregiving with you. If family members aren’t an option, there may be some other opportunities to get some respite and put a little bit more balance into your life. If you live in the US, you can start by googling your location plus “area agency on aging.” Area Agencies on Aging are state-licensed nonprofits that help to coordinate community resources for older adults and their families, and may be able to connect you with other low- or no-cost services, like Adult Day Health Care, home health aides, etc. Reaching out for help can sometimes feel impossible when your energy reserves are already sapped by the work you’re doing, but hopefully, if you are able to get some services in place, you may be able to start to bring some balance back into your life, and have the space and time for dating and for all of the other intricacies of a full life.

Which brings us to your relationship! I’m going to say this bluntly: I don’t think this is the right person for you. When I first began to read your letter, I thought there might simply be a communication disconnect, but when you really get down to the nitty-gritty, it honestly sounds like she’s looking for something you just can’t give her. The fact that you can’t isn’t a moral failing on your part; wanting or needing different things from a relationship is a value-neutral issue. She wants someone effusive with their language and lavish with their time, someone who can upend a lot of their life to be with her. Meanwhile, your life is very full at the moment. It’s not too full for the right kind of relationship, but it is too full for THIS relationship. This mismatch is not something you can make up for by buying her other things, like dog training lessons and passes to the climbing gym. Trying to do so is only going to drain your mental reserves even more.

You mentioned “all the advice online,” but I think that we can take her at her word when she says what she wants. It’s very possible that you two are simply in two different seasons when it comes to dating and sharing a life. I do remember a time, in my twenties and early thirties, when my life had a lot of space in it; when embracing a new relationship could happen at an accelerated pace, and I could spend a ton of time with this new person in my life. Now, at 39, I’m in a place where my life is much fuller, with obligations and with joys. There is space in my life, but dating looks different than it did when I was younger. And that’s okay! When you find someone who understands and can relate to the season you’re in, things will progress more naturally and feel more balanced.

At the end of your letter, you mentioned that the person you’re writing in about may have basically broken up with you when she said “you could only be friends.” I hope that in the time between then and now, you’ve been able to talk together and clarify your status. If you haven’t, it’s time to do that now. Whatever has happened and will continue to happen with that relationship and/or friendship, I hope that you’re able to take some steps to get some support in your caregiving, and that you can start to seek the type of relationship that you deserve — one with a person who respects the fullness of your life, and who can provide a little bit of support, joy, and glimmers of goodness, just as you do the same for them. I’ll be thinking of you. Good luck out there! 💙

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: I’m Uncertain About Wanting Kids, So Should I Only Date People Who Are Uncertain Too?

Q:

Dear Autostraddle Advice Writers,

I’m finally getting serious about dating women—that is, ceasing to date men and seriously putting myself out there in the dating pool, primarily online. So far, so good.

But… I was wondering about wanting kids. I recently got some clarity that, while I do hypothetically want a child in the future, I also don’t want one if it means sacrificing the things that are most important to me: creative work, supporting my mom and found-family sibling, and building my career. For that reason, I’ve been open to dating people with all attitudes toward children on their bios (want, don’t want, unsure, etc.)

But my friends are warning me that I might be setting myself up for failure by dating women who don’t want kids. Should I be avoiding people just because they don’t want children, even though they might otherwise be perfect for me? And what about people who DO high-key want kids: are they going to think kids should be our top priority the way my male exes did?

I know it’s not a zero-sum game, because I watched my single mom work full-time and get a bachelor’s, a master’s and a post-grad education while being a great parent. But my experiences also tell me that it CAN be a zero-sum game if your partner sees it that way.

What do you all think? Should I even be dating people who don’t want kids? Are there risks with people who do? I know what I want to receive from and give to a romantic relationship in every other regard, but I’m struggling with this.

[Editor’s Note: The Letter Writer then submitted the following addendum]

Hey I’m just writing in to clarify an ask I submitted a couple of days ago about what kinds of “kids” preferences I should look at while dating.

I just wanted to clarify that I do know raising kids is a HUGE commitment and I didn’t mean to imply that. Just that I think it’s been even tougher on the ambitious parents I know (divorced or not) with unsupportive partners than the ambitious single parents I know with a supportive network.

A:

Hi! I honestly have follow-up questions for your friends about why they think you’re setting yourself up for failure here, because I struggle to see their point of view. I think because you are not totally sure about whether you want kids or not, then being open to dating people with a range of opinions on children actually makes sense! I suppose I can see why some of your friends think “unsure” people should strictly date “unsure” people, but also — no I can’t!

First, I want to validate your uncertainty. A lot of what you wrote really resonates with me. I’ve changed my mind about kids throughout life. I adamantly didn’t want them…when I was closeted. For my closeted brain at the time, I associated marriage and kids with heteronormativity and was scared of living a heterosexual life as I was not, in fact, heterosexual. When I came out, all that changed, and I was able to imagine a queer future for myself that involved kids and marriage. I shifted more into a place of absolutely wanting kids and probably would have put that preference on a dating app at the time. Then, I moved into a place more like what you’re saying. My career and my writing ambitions became the top things I wanted to focus on, and my view on kids became something more like “probably, but not right now.” Some people know firmly exactly what they want in terms of kids and always have; I’ve found that the vast majority of my friends (who are mostly queer) have ebbed and flowed like me on the topic. Starting a family as a queer person often involves more steps (and more money!) than it does for straight people, and I think that’s one of the reasons attitudes about it are more malleable.

I think especially because you recently made some new intentions in the way you’re approaching dating (focusing on dating women and seriously putting yourself out there), then it makes sense to online date a wide range of people, including people who have a wide range of opinions on kids. While I do think people should in general talk about things like kids and marriage early-ish in a relationship, particularly before moving in, I also think it’s okay to casually date folks who might not share your exact views on the future. For starters, I do think it’s important to remember that dating people can look like a lot of different things and doesn’t need to necessarily lead to a long-term or forever partnership in order to positively impact your life. Even brief relationships can be meaningful. I think only you can know your own timeline and your own hard lines to draw, so if you start seeing someone for a few weeks, a few months, half a year, and you have a conversation about kids and seem like you might be misaligned, then that’s the point to reconsider things. And that doesn’t mean the relationship has failed! It doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your time! It just means you were compatible until you weren’t.

As for differences between women you might date and your male exes, it’s hard to say, because it’s indeed true that conversations around parenting and pregnancy and raising children do often look different outside of heteronormative expectations and structures. But it’s also true that there are plenty of queer women for whom kids are an urgent priority. It’s going to vary person-to-person. You just have to talk about it with folks when the time arises. I don’t think a box on a dating app can accurately capture a person’s views on parenthood, you know? That’s something that you get to know the more you get to know a person, not really something you can screen for ahead of time.

It’s very possible you might start dating someone who impacts your view on kids, and so long as that isn’t a pressuring type of impact but just a passive impact, I think that’s great! I realized I wanted kids again when I started dating my current partner, because I realized I specifically wanted a kid with her. Maybe if I’d been with someone else, I would have made a different choice. The first time we talked about it, we basically both said the same thing, which was that we were both open to the idea of it, that it wasn’t a hard no, but that it wasn’t something that was definitely going to happen either — and especially wouldn’t be happening soon. If either of us changed our mind, we’d cross that bridge when it comes. I feel aligned with her when it comes to our values about the hypotheticals of parenting.

These things are hard, and you’re not wrong for thinking about it a lot. But I do think it depends on so many different things and that all people change their minds — you could, the person you’re dating could, etc. Remain open to the idea of uncertainty as well as growth. So long as no one is pressuring anyone to change their minds, that’s all that matters.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: Can I Date While Living With My Homophobic Parents?

Q:

Hello! For a bit of background, I’m still relatively young and haven’t moved away from my parents yet. A few months back they decided to move to a more rural area, which meant that I had to move with them. Due to a vast number of factors that I won’t get into I was never really able to explore the dating pool and figure out who I am when I was in school, so I was thinking about trying to use this opportunity to put myself out there. I’m worried about the idea of attempting to date anyone, especially another woman, in a place like this because the politics are noticeably skewed to the right around here and I don’t want to cause myself or any potential partners harm. Coming out to my family isn’t an option. Is it worth the risk, and if so what can I do to keep myself and other people safe in the event that I do decide to test the waters? Sorry if this was long-winded!

A:

Hi friend! Just so you know, this wasn’t long-winded in the slightest, and I’m so glad you wrote to us!

It’s exciting that you’re starting to feel like you might be ready to test the waters, dating-wise! While it’s true that there are very few places entirely free of homophobia in 2023, and you’re much more of an expert on wherever you live than I can be, I’m honestly less worried about the rural area you’re living in than I am about the situation you’re in with your parents. In this Tinder world, finding dates solely from within a community of other queer people, without outing yourself to people who aren’t queer, is super doable. And if you do match with someone sweet, dating discreetly enough that the local homophobes don’t necessarily recognize the public parts of your dates for what they are can be pretty easy to do. Finally, while our lives are never wholly without danger, the possibility of a bad outcome if a homophobic stranger does recognize that you’re on a date is probably fairly statistically low within most parts of the US.

But then there’s your family and your living situation. You say that coming out to your parents isn’t an option, and that’s totally valid. You’ve asked whether the possibility of being discovered is worth the risk. I don’t have enough information to give you a yes or no on that, but I do think that you can make your own risk/benefit analysis.

I’m curious: what is likely to happen if your parents did find out you had been dating somebody, or found out you weren’t straight? Do you believe that you could suddenly find yourself without the material support (housing, shelter, etc) that your parents currently provide? If so, do you have a means of supporting yourself, or do you have any other support systems in place besides your parents, like relatives who are more queer-friendly, or close friends who have their adult lives together?

Essentially, if being kicked out and finding yourself without a place to stay seems to be a likely scenario, then I’d suggest that you put off dating a little bit longer and shift your immediate focus to putting plans in place that will change your living situation and remove your parents as your primary source of support. Since you’ve finished school, that might look like finding a job and starting to quietly put money into a Moving Out fund. Looking through Craigslist in your area (or the area you used to live, if you liked that better) will show you what kind of housing options are out there, and whether people are looking for roommates. Essentially, this will be a good time to start to envision what you’d like the next stage of your life to look like, and to do some research on what’s attainable!

I also think that doing some queer community building will be important. If you don’t already have supportive queer friends, I think it’s time to meet some! Depending on what’s available in your town and how much your parents like to creep on your activities, you might start by reaching out to a local LGBTQ+ center (there may be one in a neighboring town if there’s not one where you live), either in person or online. There are also less overt places where you might meet other queer people, like volunteering at roller derby, signing up for a recreational softball league, taking your dog to the dog park, joining an RPG at a comic shop… there are a lot of possibilities out there! While dating is wonderful, making good friends, both queer and queer-friendly, can make a huge difference in what feels possible at the stage of life you’re in, and having community around you will help you immensely when you start to jump into the life you want to live!

Bottom line? Dating can be amazing and wonderful, and I don’t want to discourage you from pursuing it if you feel ready, or if you have very little to lose. But if you do currently rely on homophobic parents for their material support, I think that you’re right to be a little wary! If that’s the situation you find yourself in, I think that focusing on building the next stage of your life, one where you are less dependent on your parents, will be vitally important before you jump all the way into the dating world.

I wish you the very best! 💙

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: My Partner Won’t Say “I Love You”

Q:

Hi team!

I’ve been with my partner for over two years now. Many things are going well — we have moved in together and have a lovely little gay life in the city. She is supportive, has a wonderful family, thinks I’m funny, and is so hot.

About five months into dating, I said ‘I love you’ first while hugging goodbye after a date. She immediately stiffened up and responded with ‘what?’. A month after that, she wanted to break up and said it was because she was worried I liked her more than she liked me. (I was devastated). However, a few days later she texted saying she wanted to get back together.

One relationship issue we have is different love languages — I like physical touch, although it isn’t the most important thing for me in a relationship. Her love languages are quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation. I am fine not tearing each other’s clothes off all the time like in the beginning of a relationship, but I worry that maybe if she were with the right person she would want more intimacy and say the L word without hiccups.

Despite not receiving an ideal response the first time around, it was true to my heart and I was prepared to say it first without hearing it back. However, it’s been over two years and she still hasn’t said it! I’ve given cards with those three words but have not heard them yet come out of her mouth, onto paper or through text.

The closest thing that recently happened was someone at the club asked us if we were in love and she said yes.

Is it silly to be hung up on this? Is this just a result of not communicating well? How do I broach the subject without saying it again and having it fall flat on my face?

A:

I told my first girlfriend I loved her after three weeks. In my defense, I was only 18 and, unbeknownst to either of us, we were both queer women. She said nothing in response, opting instead to kiss me on the nose.

I spent the next months biting my tongue, trying my best not to say it again, even as my infatuation grew, our relationship deepened, and we lost our virginities to one another. Finally, after four months, as we swayed together at a concert, she turned to me and shouted, “I love you!”

We spent the next eight months loving each other the best we knew how. Our age, our maturity, our compatibility, put a limit on how that love could manifest. Then our relationship became long distance and those limits increased. Finally, one day over FaceTime, she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. She didn’t want to break up, because maybe that love could come back, but she just thought I should know.

I responded by spending money I didn’t have on her birthday present, a failed attempt to win back her emotions. We dated for three more months without love. She cheated on me. And then she broke up with me.

There’s another version of this story I could tell. I could share with you our first dates, our best moments together, the reasons why I fell in love with her, and all the reasons I fought to sustain that love. There were a lot of good times, and at 18 and 20, a lot of good times is better than most.

But I tell this version, because I know how it feels to love someone more than they love you. I also know there’s an alternative.

I said, “I love you” first in my next serious relationship too. This time she said it back right away — in part, because I waited longer, a bit slower to give my love away. Throughout that relationship we said, “I love you” a reasonable amount and loved each other a reasonable amount. I’d traded the all-consuming love of my first relationship for something I deemed more mature. It wasn’t the most passionate, but it was equal. I read tweets from self-taught therapy experts about how “butterflies in your stomach” was a sign of instability, not love, and took comfort in the affirmation that I was now doing relationships right.

We spent years together, we built a life together, and we loved each other the best we knew how. But then I got bored. I wanted to feel passion again. I was a 25-year-old living out her dream of being a transsexual lesbian — I shouldn’t be relating to middle-aged heterosexual men on sitcoms. I decided that if the choices were between loving someone furiously without return and loving someone without passion then instability was for me.

Again, there’s another version of this story. I could share how meaningful it was to have this stable love while transitioning, how this person became my family at a time when I felt most distant from the family I’d been given. I could share the many good times — and even exciting times! — we did have.

But I tell this version, because at the time my approach to maturity was in itself immature. I know now there was yet another alternative.

When my current girlfriend and I started dating, we both had our walls up, mine due to my two previous relationships. Neither of us were necessarily looking for a relationship — or, at least, we were scared of what would happen if we found one.

My U-Haul tendencies of my youth had been replaced with an opposing lesbian stereotype: the slow-burn. We met doing a Zoom event at the start of the pandemic and casually flirted on Instagram and Twitter for a year before I asked her to FaceTime. Then we FaceTimed once a week for two months before cautiously deciding to meet. Our governments had other plans — the Canadian/US border was still closed, so it would be another three months before we could finally meet in-person. We approached our meeting with skepticism, but after a week together, our long-held walls started crumbling down.

It already felt so different from my previous relationships. At once, it was easier and more exciting. And yet, I still wanted to prove something to myself. My last remaining wall told me that I needed to wait to say, “I love you.” For once, I wouldn’t be the one to say it first.

During our second in-person week together, seven months after we started FaceTiming, my girlfriend said, “I love you.” We’d talked enough about our pasts, hinted at love enough times, that she figured I’d been waiting. I smiled. “I love you too,” I said back. And then I added, like a person who is both an earth sign and could probably use more therapy, “I won!” Thankfully, she laughed.

This was a year and a half ago and the “I won” feels even sillier now than it did then. Because when you’re really in love and when someone is really in love with you, who says it first, and how much it’s said, isn’t something you think about. You feel too secure for all that. My girlfriend and I say, “I love you” so much I couldn’t tally it if I tried. It’s never forced. We both just feel inspired to say it to each other all the time. Maybe one of us says something that’s very us, or maybe we just look at the other person from across the room, and can’t help blurting it out.

At 18 and 21, I had too much personal growth left to do to properly love or be loved. I know the problems in my first two partnerships were as much on me as on them or our compatibility. But my God is it a comfort to realize in my adulthood that the options are not between loving someone too much or not enough. You can love so big and be loved just as big right back. Not only is it possible, but it’s what you deserve.

I’m hesitant to tell friends of mine they should break up with partners, so I’m definitely not going to tell you, anonymous letter writer I don’t know, that you should break up with your partner. And, in fact, I know from my first relationship, that being told to break up with someone you love does not mean you’ll actually do it.

Maybe right now, your current relationship is what you need, it’s the step you’re at in life. But I want you to know that you deserve more. You deserve someone who says, “I love you” so much you never have to doubt it’s true. You deserve someone who wants to fuck you so often you feel like the sexiest person alive. If those are things you want — not everyone does! — then you deserve them, and can find them. You also deserve someone you feel comfortable enough with to express these desires to without fear.

During my first relationship, I was convinced we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I’ve moved past those kinds of adolescent dramatics. I don’t know what the future holds. But I know that my current girlfriend has forever changed my expectations of love. I know it’s possible to be with someone for over two years and still feel that early relationship excitement. I know it’s possible to feel that excitement reciprocated right back. I know it’s possible to feel all this while building something safe and real.

For now, I do think you need to talk to your girlfriend. You need to express your wants and needs that aren’t being fulfilled. Tell her your desire for more physical intimacy, tell her your desire to hear, “I love you.” Maybe she’s giving you everything she’d give to anyone. Maybe she’s just not the right partner for you. As scary as it may feel, communication is the first step toward the relationship you deserve, whether that’s with your girlfriend or not.

If, to use your words, you fall flat on your face, just know that’s okay. The bruises will fade, the scars will heal, and someday you’ll find someone new, someone who will forever change your expectations of love.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.