We don’t want to under-prioritize our friendships!

Q

My wife and I are in our early/mid 30s and will be having our first baby early in the summer!! We’re the first in our friend group (same age range) to start a family, and I’m wondering if anyone has advice for us? How can we make sure we don’t under-prioritize those friendships once the baby is born? We’d love to even hear from people who aren’t parents but are friends with parents! Reading Riese’s last blog about their baby shower and their friends made me wish we had the same level of involvement from our friends! How do we get that?

A

Summer: A kid’s arrival usually means compromising on existing habits and connections. I’m really hoping you have an understanding friend group that knows you can’t be as available for them. It’s very probable that you’ll have to deprioritize them a bit to take care of the child. But that doesn’t have to mean losing out the connection.

The people in my life who became parents mostly withdrew socially to look after the kid. This can be a good thing for them. It lets them prune some of their less necessary friendships to focus on the best people in their lives. So it’s not always bad to lose some connections.

Beyond that? You’ll have to reach out to the friends you want to keep. When someone in the group becomes a parent, the rest of the group tends to continue on their trajectory and the parent often fades out. Make clear your enthusiasm for participating in friendships, but equally, establish boundaries about what you can and can’t do from now on. Make your kid a part of their life (non-obtrusively). Keep people updated about the funny and frustrating parts of parenting. Identify people who can babysit or you can confide in and keep them close. The shape and number of friendships you have might change because of this, but it’ll hopefully leave you on better footing with the people in your life.

Nico: Friends I have who are parents who manage to stay social definitely already have and rely on broad networks of support — and they prioritize friendships and making time for themselves, too. It’s almost certainly difficult to balance, but I’ve noticed that they maintain social ties by inviting people over and hosting at their home (where they don’t have to get a babysitter), by bringing their babies to baby-friendly events even if these are not explicitly events for children, and by taking turns watching the kids so that the other can socialize. If they have to duck out for a period of time (health or other life stuff), they usually give an update on social media about it and also update when they’re back and more available again, which hopefully prompts people to reach out. Above all, the parents I see who stay social are just very, very proactive about it. This might mean that their kids do fewer kid-oriented things, but isn’t that the way it’s always been? Kids going where their adults go and learning to be a part of multi-generational social groups? Wishing you and your wife so many good things on your parenthood journey! Excited for you!

Laneia: Ok I had kids when no one else I knew had any, so here’s my stab at your question from this side of the field — take that baby everywhere you possibly can! Yes yes babies and kids need routines, but don’t be so beholden to one that you let yourselves miss out on group things that are kid-friendly and keep you in the social circle.

Generally speaking, most people aren’t bothered by a baby crying. There’s a line, obviously — like when the baby trips into the screaming cry that implies a tiger attack or poltergeist possession — and that’s when you walk out of the room or call it a day. But otherwise, babies make noise and it’s usually fine. Don’t panic.

Also ask for the help you need, truly can’t stress this enough. Cast a wide net so several of your friends have a chance to get involved. They won’t be able to read your mind and most won’t have insider knowledge of how they could be weirdly useful at this time, so let them know.

When the baby is brand new, it’ll be the only thing you can talk (or think) about — that’s normal! — so keep a literal list of any important dates or events that are going on for your friends, and reach out when those come up. (When I was a new mom, phones didn’t yet have the ability to remind you of anything, they only placed calls, so I made notes on a paper calendar to remind myself to circle back with people about the big things going on in their lives.) Some friends might pull back because they think you have more pressing things to give your attention to and they don’t want to add to your plate, so reaching out to those people and being genuinely interested in their lives will reassure them that you absolutely still have room for them in yours.

Oh and one more thing: do not worry about how messy your house is or when you last showered for at least 6 months. Let people drop by unexpectedly and do NOT apologize for literally anything. There’s a wonderful twilight period between a baby learning how to hold their own head up and learning to walk when you can kind of get things done — that’s the only time it makes sense to tidy up before people come over.

Let’s get into some wax play!

Q

Hello! I would like all of your best recommendations for books/blogs/etc about how to safely and enjoyably do some wax play. I like books because usually things have been vetted a certain amount, except if I just do a search on amazon I’m worried I’ll end up with some AI-generated nonsense like those terrifying mushroom-identification guides written by not-people. Thank you in advance for your assistance <3

A

Summer: Thankfully, Reddit hasn’t been sunk into the ground by blatant AI ‘guides’. /r/BDSMcommunity gets this question all the time, but the advice is scattered. I also located some blog posts here and here. I don’t read many sex blogs so I don’t know if those blogs are completely reputable. If the wider internet is to be believed, the general points are:

• If seriously concerned, have a first aid kit and a means to put out small fires present for the first sessions.
• Use low-temperature candles like paraffin or votive candles. Even better if the manufacturer displays the melting temperature on the packaging for you to assess.
• Keep something cold (bowl of ice cubes and water) to apply to a wax spot to instantly cool it when necessary.
• Use height when dripping wax to control temperature. Greater heights result in cooler wax.
• Do not gag the receiver until you’re very comfortable with this kind of play. Communication is imperative when there’s risk of injury.
• Don’t trust any candle holder that can release the candle by accident. Safety applies to everyone involved. Safe to grip is safe to drip.

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