This week on Bomb Girls, half of my early season predictions came true, and there was hardcore lesbian kissing! And post-coital lesbian processing! On primetime television! Granted this is Canada, land of my ancestors and their relatively agreeable relationship with gay sex, but it was so awesome. To celebrate, this is a Super Special Sexy Edition of Bomb Girls recaps, so hold onto your boy briefs and your glitter handcuffs.
Witham Foods is sponsoring a radio show to raise war bonds, which is the 1940s equivalent of putting on a Youtube special with a kickstarter. Except instead of getting an Original Plumbing sticker or a handwritten postcard made from recycled zines as a thank you, you get a spatula set. Fun fact: Spatulas make great floggers.
Kate is going to be singing in a trio at Ye Olde Fundraiser, and can I just reiterate: Is everyone at this factory musically talented? Why hasn’t there been a musical episode yet? And not just because I want to see a choreographed number involving Betty, all the VicMu homos, and Do It Like A Dude.
giiiirls in tight dresses who draaag with mustaches chiiicks driving faast ingenues with long laaashes
Ivan is watching this situation from the piano, and he takes Kate’s hand when they’re done to indicate that she and him are in the serious business. This is a recreation of my reaction to this gesture:
HANDS ARE OUR THING, BUDDY
There’s a soldier lady who is organizing the bond selling, and you know that thing where you see a cute lady but you can’t tell if she plays for your team, so you give the lingering look that indicates you’re super into it but trying to not be rude? Betty and the soldier lady are doing that thing.
I call it the Intense Lesbian Gaze.
Over at Ye Olde Hospital, a famous actress named DeDe is there as part of the bond tour to raise the everyone’s spirits. She looks a lot like Regina from Once Upon A Time. For the record, I don’t watch that show, but maybe I read the fanfic. Maybe.
maybe i read super smutty swan queen fic okay maybe
Sergeant Dickhole is there as the official Famous Lady Escort. I’m going to be real: Gene is definitely a giant asshole, but he’s a complicated giant asshole. He’s actively experiencing flashbacks and PTSD that explain the exasperation of his self-destructive selfish behavior, and there’s something a little heartbreaking about watching someone like this fall apart, even if he’s a general douche.
i thought i was staring at a wall but it seems i am staring at a gaping vortex into the star trek: the next generation universe
Vera and Lorna are being Head Bitches In Charge in the office, trying to figure out how they are going to beat out everyone else for the most war bonds. Vera, Flawless Queen of the Universe, thinks they should get fireworks, because hey, we all know how much homos like blowing stuff up:
spoiler alert: in this movie all these homos blow shit up
Over at Ye Olde Factory Floore, Betty and Ivan have the face-off we’ve all been expecting. Unfortunately, Betty does not tear off her uniform to reveal a gilded wrestling singlet and shiny trident, nor does she use the trident to stab Ivan in the heart.
Gene is smoking in the only wing this hospital seems to have, which I am 99% sure breaks every rule of hospitals besides don’t use a cell phone or someone’s organs will be sucked out by a misfiring CAT scan. Sheila thinks her brother needs to put out the cigarette so he puts it out on his fucking palm. Jesus Christ, Bomb Girls. I did not sign up for this dark shit. Where is my lesbian soap opera with nail polish and pajama parties and silly hats?
LOOK CAPTAIN PICARD IF YOU CAN’T SEE HOW HARDCORE I AM THEN YOU NEED TO EXIT THE BRIDGE
Over at Ye Olde Hotel, it appears that Gladys’ bills are no longer being paid by James. Further investigation of the matter reveals that Gladys can look stunning doing something as mundane as sorting her financial issues, and Daddy made a deal with James and is not gonna pay for the room anymore, which means Gladys’ fancy hat days have come to an end. Pretty sure this happened on an episode of Girls, right?
dear gladys, please stop sleeping with men. love, everyone
Gladys is sick of the men in her life running her life, so she goes to the Lesbian Commune to complain to a ready audience.
Sheila decides it’s time to have an intervention now that Gene thinks he is actually on the USS Enterprise. Lorna, denial is a river in Egypt.
while we have you here, just a heads-up that we are going to pull a dusty and romi and get married in vegas and record really heinous songs about christmas
Gladys gets James on the phone to discuss financial matters, but decides to drop the Gene bomb at the same time. Like, it’s great you are fighting over there and stuff, but girl has got to feed the growler, yeah? You know that moment in the movie where you know a character is gonna die? Like when the busty sorority girl walks into the abandoned house, or the soldier gets a call saying his wife is pregnant, or any dog appears in a sentimental coming of age film? James says he doesn’t want to hear it because this might be the last time they talk before he heads to the front. That was his Old Yeller Moment. If he says it might be the last time, you know it’s the last time.
omg james stop freaking it was just the tip ps do not die for fuck’s sake
Over at Ye Olde Lesbian Stuff Happens Every Time We Go To The Jewel Box, Vera is trying to convince Marco to lend some fireworks from his firework factory. Look, I’m gonna be real. They are super cute and I want them to bang. There, I said it.
look i peeped the yelp reviews and now i want to try the cannoli okay?
Betty shows up with Kate, who she hands over to Ivan with a look that could make puppies cry. I swear to Lesbian-Satan, Ali Liebert. But looky-loo who shows up but Bond Girl, and boy, is she picking up on the right signals.
Lorna decides to sit Gene down and try to reason with him on the whole PTSD situation. Gene pretends he cut his hand on a bottlecap and tells Lorna to get the fuck off the holodeck because he and Deanna Troi are about to talk about his feelings and stroke each other’s faces.
gene, please stop referring to me as the borg
Marco runs into a fellow wise guy outside of the Jewel Box, and gets him to lend him some fireworks after they bond over Italian stuff, like spaghetti and tiny cars. I miss Baby Cannoli, guys. I miss those jokes. Those were easy jokes.
mario! luigi! mario! luigi!
Gladys is totally freaking about losing this hotel room and all of her fancy hats when Gene shows up and Gene wants the V. Gladys is like, nope, sorry, dealing with some shit, please put the teletubby vacuum back in your pants. Gene continues to use innuendos in ways that make me laugh hysterically and says he’s going to “show you the front.” The front? The front of what? The front of your penis? Do penises have fronts and backs? I’ve never seen one, I don’t know how this shit works.
don’t call it the teletubby vacuum unless you are prepared for a helping of tubby custard
Get your hearts out because it’s time for their weekly stabbing! Kate and Betty are having the usual pajama party, but Betty’s had enough of beating around the bush when it comes to her desire to beat bush.
You got all you want. A boy who’s falling for you and a girl who already has. You use this… you use me.
That’s not true.
I helped you make a whole new life, and what are you doing?
I’m living it, Betty. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Then you can find someone else to dance with.
STOP IT WITH YOUR GODDAMNED DISNEY PRINCESS FACE
I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THESE FEELS I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THEM
This is a recreation of me during this scene:
It’s the day of the Kickstarter Fundraiser and Betty decides to take Bond Girl up on her offer of friendship. You know, the kind of Deep Intimate Friendship where you want to put your mouth in her lap. Betty makes it clear she’s here for Bond Girl and not Kate, Bond Girl makes it clear she is gay as a peacock and down for the business.
looks like i didn’t trim my nails for nothin
Bob tries to talk to Gene grumpy man to douchey man, but it doesn’t go very well. Gene thinks his dad should sod off because they are about to make him a first mate on the Enterprise.
my name is not riker why do you keep calling me that
Gladys figures if she’s gonna have to sell all her fancy hats anyway, she might as well go out with a bang. Daddy thinks that her relationship with Gene seems awfully close. Gladys thinks she has a lot on her plate and maybe needs to get it out of her system via deep vagina massage, okay?
if i want to embrace a man with my growler whatever that is like the basics of feminism daddy
Gene and Lorna are supposed to be getting a picture together but Gene is telling Lorna that she is a backstabbing bitch! No, that is literally what he said! Seriously, Corbetts, how did you have a fucking family whistle but your kids still turned out to be such epic dickholes?
i know you cannot help it mother it’s just the klingon nature in you
Kate et trio, who from now on I will refer to as the Vaginettes, perform on the radio and it’s adorable. For a giant fundraising event, the audience looks to be about the same size as the ones at my childhood piano recitals. Must be VicMu is like a middle school orchestra concert where the only people you can get to come are the family members you drag along out of obligation.
PUSH IT! PUSH IT REEEAAAAAAL GOOOOOD
Backstage and away from the rest of the Vaginettes, Leon tells Kate that her head is not in the game and she better get it back for the second half of the game or they’re never gonna win Sectionals! Never fear, Token Spiritual Person of Color is here to set things right.
It’s Betty. She has these feelings.
Yeah, she’s very fond of you.
No, what she feels is sin. It says so in the Bible.
The Bible also tells us to stone a man for working Sundays.
and if you don’t think i experience incredible self-induced orgasms thinking of all the terrible sins she would commit on my body you are dead wrong mister
Gladys walks in on Gene all up in the famous actress lady’s business. Gladys tells him he is a piece of shit and she’s done with his hot mess of an existence. Kiiiiiiiind of overdue, sweetheart.
plus i’m on my period so guess who’s never gonna get a chance to earn a pair of gladys witham red wings
Kate sings a solo, but Betty leaves early. Ivan might be applauding like a motherfucker but Kate is staring at her chair. It’s pointed as fuck and I am left wondering if we’re dealing with internalized homophobia or someone losing a friend or what. WHAT AM I TO MAKE OF THESE SCENES, BOMB GIRLS? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THESE FEELINGS.
the sudden change in my vaginal climate leaves me just as confused as you are
Gene is not having a hot day, and really struggling through this affair even harder than I am currently struggling through my sexual dry spell! Three weeks is a long time, okay?
BEAM ME UP BEAM ME THE FUCK UP
Bond Girl is in Betty’s room! If you’ve ever lived in a dormitory, you know what the fuck is up when they invite you to their room. Maybe they said they just want to listen to some Indigo Girls, or watch some L Word, or they swear they have a few shots of rum left, but you both know exactly what’s up. Lesbian sex acts is what’s up.
Betty’s room tour stalling tactics are the cutest ever.
Well, here you got a wall…fan…dresser…another wall…window…uh, wall…lamp…and a picture I’ve never looked at until right at this moment. Brush…and well, bed.
That’s a lot of walls.
It results in this.
Gene is on the roof during the fireworks display just because. Gladys and Lorna are desperately trying to get him off the roof. It’s incredibly sad and touching in a way I cannot do justice to via Star Trek jokes, or any jokes. I can only tell you that I cried a little.
that’s right, kate. i broke you. my narrative broke you.
Marco and Vera are flirting over fireworks casings. INTO IT.
will break my paleo diet for your pastries
Betty and Bond Girl are in bed because THEY JUST HAD SEX! SWEET LADY SEX ON PRIMETIME TELEVISION! AMERICA, YOU SUCK AND I HATE LIVING HERE! But seriously.
That’s right, bitches. Betty Fucking McCrae just lost her lady V card and it was sweet as fuck. Bond Girl says she just experienced fireworks. That’s right. Y’all know my girl is a top. Leavin’ girls feeling fireworks in their bits.
All triumphant Kanye songs aside, this moment still stung like a little bee sting to my heart.
I wasn’t looking for anything, but I’m glad you found me.
Oh, Bomb Girls. Never stop stomping all over my stupid heart.
how u like that gay boner now
Outside, Kate is fiddling with her door just like the first time she and Betty met! No, not the feels! She overhears the noises in Betty’s room! No, not those feels!
yeah ivan i’ll meet you at the restaurant in a second i just have to explore my sexuality first
Downstairs, Gladys is using her new spatula set to make dinner, which is much less exciting than letting Betty flog her with it. Wow, is that a thought that came from my head? Wow. Anyway, since we’ve been waiting all episode for the other Old Yeller Moment, here it is. Lorna has a telegram, and it’s that telegram. Gladys’ slow defeat as it’s read aloud to her is one of the best performances on the show yet. Lorna, Professional Mom, shows her how to make eggs as a way to show her it’s okay to be upset. I cried. No, I really did.
it’s okay honey now you can have that lesbian period we’ve all been waiting for
So, now we have a hiatus until March. How do we feel about the rest of the season? Are Ivan and Kate going to continue to date in the same style as my friends when they were in fifth grade? Will Marco and Vera make Baby Cannoli 2 so I can start recycling those jokes? Is Betty gonna keep sleeping with Bond Girl? Will we actually learn Bond Girl’s name via Betty screaming it during sex? Should Gladys find solace in the arms of hot butches? Will Gladys come visit the author in their Philadelphia abode for sexual grief counseling? Exciting developments await.
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TELETUBBY VACCUUM?
i’ve had a really long and trying week, britt
there are moments when all i wanna do is reference teletubbies
Right in the childhood.
Ok, so it’s been decided. I am never ever ever going to watch this show ever, because there is absolutely no way the real show could be more entertaining than these recaps. Please (Audre) Lorde up above, give this person some sort of a fancy book deal soonest. Thank you, please.
i dont watch much tv, but i highly recommend watching the show. it is a good show. the end.
No! You have to watch it! It’s so good. I watch the episode, then I immediately come and read the recap. It’s like getting twice the awesomeness.
How evil is it to make us wait till March? D:
That’s way, way, way too far away!
By the way, Kate, several times I caught myself thinking, “how will she comment on this in the recap?” (and you hit just about every one of those moments). It’s like, I haven’t finished watching the episode until I’ve read the recap…
Holy Mackerel, you’re my favorite.
Nights plans: Take out + this episode.
I loved the part when “Token Spiritual Person of Color” said to Kate: “If you can´t love her the way she wants, love her the way you can”.
That is, i think, the principle of keeping a friendship after one of the parts falls for the other.
Although, after the way Kate looks for Betty after her solo and all the door watching in the end, i have a little hope again!
GREAT RECAP!!
I had a huge deadline this week so I completely forgot about bomb girls. Then I saw this recap on the home page with what I thought was a picture of Betty and Gladys in a heart accompanied by “there was hardcore lesbian kissing”. Feelings: FREAKING OUT/CONFUSED
Obviously I went to watch it straight away and in the process realised there are 12 episodes this season not 6. Feelings: EXCITED.
Then in the first minute there was a sexy soldier lady who looked like Gladys and I was like: “Ohhh I see what’s happening here” Feelings: ANTICIPATION.
Then the dancing scene happened. Feelings: MY HEART HURTS.
Then the Betty/Bond girl in the bedroom thing happened. Feelings: HAPPY(/FEELINGS IN MY PANTS)
Then I read the recap and the captions “DEAR GLADYS, PLEASE STOP SLEEPING WITH MEN. LOVE, EVERYONE” and “OMG JAMES STOP FREAKING IT WAS JUST THE TIP PS DO NOT DIE FOR FUCK’S SAKE” and “AND IF YOU DON’T THINK I EXPERIENCE INCREDIBLE SELF-INDUCED ORGASMS THINKING OF ALL THE TERRIBLE SINS SHE WOULD COMMIT ON MY BODY YOU ARE DEAD WRONG MISTER”
Feelings: TOO FUNNY WHY CAN’T I STOP LAUGHING
So basically, these are too many feelings for me to handle and I’m almost glad there aren’t any more episodes til March because I honestly don’t think I could handle it. BETTY/HAPPINESS IS HAPPENING YOU GUYS I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH
Bond Girl’s name is Theresa. We just don’t know her last name yet. I like her so if they really aren’t going anywhere with Kate/Betty then I think she’s a good alternative.
sad to say i do know bond girl’s name and everything about the rest of the season bc i read the goddamned press kit and thus am spoiled as half the leftovers in my fridge
but i will keep all this knowledge to myself as all of you kids deserve better
I might have cried out of both my eyes and my lady bits this episode. A VARIETY PACK OF FEELS?!??!
I can’t believe you missed out the line where the actress mentioned how all the soldiers had touched her. I want her and Vera to team-up as some kind of sex-positive crime-fighting duo.
yes, i lol’d so hard when she said that.
yeah, had to laugh as well when she said hat bc I think intentionally she didn’t want it to sound that nasty/ambiguous
Also, I think this was probs the best ep of Bomb Girls yet. Not for the emancigaytion of Betty especially, but for how well they handled all the storylines.
Hopefully Gladys will now realise that her weird soldier/hero obsession has been holding her back all along, and she will now take over the world with her amazing spatula set.
Okay, Bond Girl is an actress named Rachel Wilson and I totally recognize her from a Hallmark Christmas movie called Baby’s First Christmas. She saved the fucking day, y’all. SHE ALSO VOICES A CHARACTER ON A CARTOON AND THAT CHARACTER’S NAME IS HEATHER.
…
Don’t look at me.
That’s okay, I totally freaked out because I recognized her from a glorious 90s TV show called Breaker High about teenagers who go to high school on a boat. Gotta love Canadian television.
Halmark! On Thanksgiving I watched a Halmark movie at my grandma’s house, and the main characters best friend was played by Ali Leibert. I simultaneously swooned and jumped out of my seat when I saw her, and my family had no idea what was going on.
Was it “Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade”? I promise I do other things besides watch TV movies…like drinking and watching TV movies.
Yes! That was it. My grandma loves that shit and I have probably watched every holliday hallmark movie ever made at her house.
I was watching Nikita recently and was totally excited to see Bob show up as an evil Russian (and then Lauren from Lost Girl showed up and the excitement exponentially increased).
Kenzi was also on Nikita in the first season though she’s barely recognizable.
BUT WHERE WAS REGGIE?
Bond Girl had mad game, too. I need a tenth of that game and at least a quarter of her impeccable gaydar. To go. Thanks.
Also, I’m not sure if the final few moments in the hallway with Kate were her being conflicted because she’s jealous Betty is getting some from someone who’s not her, or her trying to be happy for Betty being with someone, even if that someone is a woman, because her religion told her that’s wrong (and her gut feelings, too, let’s not forget that delightful tidbit). I was a bit confused by her face and her lingering there, but I think it was meant to be ambiguous.
Hearing Kate actually being a homophobe gave me a really icky knee-jerk reaction. I totally TOTALLY understand that she’s a victim of her time and upbringing. And probably, when she said it, totally, rightfully pissed at Betty. BUT just the thought of having a friend who I consider my best friend, who considers me her best friend, and suddenly deep down they don’t even believe in who I am or think that I’m so epically flawed, hurts in a major way. All I could think was, “if Betty only knew Kate said that, she’d be devastated.” But just like I’m sure Betty will apologize for being a “Nice Guy (TM),” I’m sure Kate will come around. Hopefully.
Don’t forget that Kate has already called Betty a deviant to her face. I actually thought their friendship this season was a little unrealistic because of how harsh Kate was at the end of last season and the beginning of this one, but I guess Betty and Ivan’s relationship would have convinced her that Betty’s feelings for her were just a phase.
I agree with you on the scene with Kate in the hallway. At first I thought she was jealous, but then she smiled and seemed happy for Betty. Which I also thought was unrealistic and way too quick, so I’m not really sure what to make of it.
I didn’t think Kate’s smile there her actually being happy, to me it came across more like she was conflicted and then put on a happy face for Ivan when he called
I have literally watched that scene a million times, and Kate smiles, like, genuinely with her eyes before she turns to Ivan. I don’t know, though. I mainly just want Betty to be happy.
It’s definitely ambiguous, I can see how it can be read either way. But yes, I just want Betty to be happy
I actually spent a good deal of time googling to see if the Actress Lady was supposed to be a real person or just someone made up.
But Betty and Bond Girl made me so happy.
and? what’s the result of your research? Was this DeDe actress person like a real thing or just made up?
I couldn’t find anything, so I’m inclined to think made up. Rather disappointing, but now I want to know who they based her character off of, there must have been actresses that did bond tours like that
can someone please clarify exactly when the next episode is airing? the interweb is telling me all kinds of different things and i’m starting to feel like taking one of those “angry naps” that kate talks about.
Next ep airs March 25th, I believe. Guess we’ll just have to settle for rewatching Betty get some action with her soldier girl fiftyleven times.
I just got my Intense Lesbian Gaze on at REI. HEY GIRL.
Loved all of your recaps — thanks!
NGL the TNG references were my favorite part of this recap.
Every time I get done watching Bomb Girls I just sit and stare into space for a second, because the recap hasn’t magically appeared at the exact second that I’m done watching. I think I’m addicted to these recaps.
I just want to wrap Kate in a hug and cuddle her precious self forever and ever. She’s not trying to hurt anybody. The girl has a lifetime of abuse and brainwashing to undo and she has to learn all of the interaction principles we all learned when we were younger. She’s feeling like a shitty person for being relieved that her father is dead. She just has so many demons to fight and so many people just expect her life to revolve around Betty. As a person that also came from a very religious background, I understand what it is like to try and accept things that go against everything that I was taught to believe. It doesn’t happen overnight and it certainly isn’t easy to come to terms with.
Come her bb :(
you think 3 weeks is a long dry spell?
…I quietly limp to the window where I brood and bitter tears form at the corner of my eyes :)
This was such a heartbreaking episode. Go Canada – lesbians kiss and have sex because of character development, not for ratings or publicity,
“She looks a lot like Regina from Once Upon A Time. For the record, I don’t watch that show, but maybe I read the fanfic. Maybe.” ahem accurate
Kate is basically the poster child for internalised homophobia at the moment. You keep on dating Betty’s leftovers and insisting to yourself that Those Strange Pants Feelings are a sin, honey.
Also Kate you have put that image of Betty rolling up her sleeve and making a fist into an ENTIRELY new context for me.
I can’t decide which I like more — the incongruous TNG jokes or the baby cannoli jokes. And I too am shipping Marco/Vera so hard right now.
I just started watching this two weeks ago and I’m just…..gahh! WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS? This show is going to be the death of me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thanks for the recaps!! Definitely watched Betty and Bond Girl scene a dozen times… Many feelings on the racial dynamics in this show but excited to see where it goes!!
WEIRD. Bob totally looks like Riker, so well done on that caption, intentional or no.
I think this was the funniest post I’ve read on Autostraddle. Seriously. Well done. :D
…What the F is a growler?
Ahah well done Kate.
Can I just say, BETTY’S POUTY FACE.
Also I just caught up on this entire series in 2 days. (Hey, it’s not that many episodes so far…)
Excellent recapping as well.
“Why is it that every time dykes wants to have sex with a guy they’re only trying to steal his sperm?”
I was just rewatching the pilot of the L Word and when they got to the threesome Bette-Tina-hot guy, I was sure that I recognized the hot guy. And it turns out he’s Marco from Bomb Girls! He’s already written Lesbian history!
I can’t even handle all of your memes. There should be a share button for each one.