This week on Bomb Girls: almost everybody gets lucky, and the untimely end to my fetus-as-Italian-pastry jokes. Take note: this is your final opportunity to learn about the sweets of the Appenine Peninsula through semi-tasteless humor that compares Lorna’s baby to buttery treats.

Just typing out the words “Italian pastry” makes me want to cancel my plans and go to the Italian Market and eat all the goddamned cannoli right now. I hope you appreciate the extreme sacrifices I am making for you, just like the sacrifices the characters are making to survive their tumultuous time period.

“instagram of me auditioning for the new celine dion music video #dreamscometrue #nofilter”

Kate has a nightmare that she’s dressed entirely in white and running away from her father, who tells her that, like my third grade Furby, he is impossible to kill. Even if you drop him in a bathtub and make his batteries froth, he’s only going to repeat “yum” at a more frightening volume. A dangerous man indeed.

She wakes up in Betty’s room. Betty is propped up in the corner between her door and her dresser, her physical discomfort a metaphor for the plight of pre-1990s queer existence. Kate says they need to return to the scene of the crime and make sure her father is actually dead and not just pretend dead. Betty says she will put aside all pre-existing commitments and do whatever Kate asks. Pretty sure if Kate said that her father’s body was hidden in an alligator-infested swamp that could only be accessed via setting one’s self on fire and jumping off a cliff, Betty would go get the matches and her alligator-beatin’ stick.

hi you’ve been accepted to hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry

Somebody slides a note under the door. Is it from Albus Dumbledore, reminding Betty and Kate not to use their lesbian magic outside of class? Is it from Amazon.com, telling them that Sum of her Parts is all sold out?

Nope! It’s from Gladys, who just so happens to be bright-eyed and fancy-tailed at this early hour. She comes in with a giant knowing grin, giving her favorite lesbian friends a “Good morning, girls!” that reminds me of every college friend who ever dragged my ass to brunch post-night with a pretty lady.

Gladys continues to be the best wingman she can be, and gives Kate a card that subliminally tells her she is in love with Betty.

this is your heart and this is the blonde girl that resides in your heart you’re welcome

Gladys says she’s moving out of her totally lame parents’ place, and will be crashing with the girls at their giant lesbian commune/boardinghouse for a while. Betty and Kate are like “Okay right well I hope you like quinoa.” Gladys goes to take a long diva soak, only to discover the joys of communal bathrooms. Numero uno on my list of things I do not miss about dormitories.

what did we say about emptying your diva cup in the bathtub

Over at le factorie, Lorna is holding her employee’s new baby. Even though she is talking about the worker’s situation, you know she is thinking about her own ricotta-filled situation.

Gladys has made her minion Carol drag all her things to the factory because who can say no to that angel face, am I right? Minion Carol says that Gladys’ mother predicts Gladys will be crawling back home as soon as she needs her underwear washed. Gladys is now extra determined to prove her independence and ability to wash her own underwear.

Down in the canteen, Marco the Italian Stallion comes busting out of a heart football team style. I can’t make this shit up. It’s Valentine’s Day, and apparently the factory does not fuck around with Valentine’s Day because the decorations alone are pretty intense. Somehow in wartime they have found the budget to outfit the men in fairly elaborate togas and wings? Victory Munitions, your priorities are adorable.

PI KAPPA ALPHA IN THE HOUSE

Marco is handing out valentines that are attached to real arrows. Real arrows, guys? If this was Pretty Little Liars, that arrow would be stuck through, like, a doll representing Lorna’s baby and pinned to the factory wall with a note from A. Gladys gets a bundle of arrows because she has the face of an angel, but she gives them back because girl power. Also, because she is loyal to her soldier boyfriend and taking these cards would be disloyal to him. Idk girl, accepting compliments is a valid component of self-love, and radical self-love is important!

4 FOR YOU GLADYS YOU GO GLADYS AND NONE FOR GRETCHEN WIENERS BYE

Since they’ll probably be spending Valentine’s sans cuddlebuddy, Vera and Gladys decide they are gonna get some rum and go drunk bowling tonight. Again, I can’t make this shit up. That plan sounds AWESOME and you and I both will be super disappointed when this scene does not come to fruition.

so you put two fingers in the hole and your thumb over the clit yep bowling is easy

Ivan has decided to make Betty his valentine, a crucial error on his part if he was going for a mutual valentine situation. I can’t be mad at his little puppy face, though. I just feel really sorry for him the same way I feel sorry for my high school boyfriend.

Ivan wants to take her out to the Jewel Box tonight but Betty says her best friend is in town, aka who is he kidding? As if she would spend Valentine’s Day without her lady love at her side, butch please. Ivan says he’ll bring a buddy and make it a double date. Are you there, God? It’s me, Kate. Can you make this a double date where Ivan realizes he is in love with his buddy and Betty makes out with Kate? Thanks, God.

negl the breeze through my nutsack is amazing right now

Marco decides this crowded room and very short cupid costume is the perfect environment for discussing baby logistics with Lorna. Oh, Marco. So pretty and so dumb. Lorna says she couldn’t drink the tea because she felt the little struffoli doing flips. Marco says she has to quit the factory job so she doesn’t overcook the sfogliatelle.

Everyone’s favorite lesbians are checking to make sure the pastor didn’t go zombie. Betty tells Kate about the double date in an adorable way that implies she is really hoping Kate will say no. Ugh, Betty. Seriously, you make my heart feel like it’s being gnawed by kittens. Kate’s entire justification for the double date is to support their alibi so they don’t look like suspicious killers. Betty may have a Gay Beard, but Kate is getting a Murder Beard. Kate 2.0 aka Lady Vengeance Kate is too awesome.

maybe we could stay in and play that real l word drinking game where we do a shot every time romi does something fucking dumb

They discover that oops, the body is gone. Betty still thinks they need to go to the police or something, but Kate wants to go rogue. This is a great opportunity for them to touch and walk away holding each other.

ugh i hate catcallers WE GET IT WE’RE GAY SHUT UP

Lorna is turned down in her plea for a job in the kitchens, or anywhere else there will not be continual exposure to toxic chemicals. This actually makes me wonder if all of the factory girls, aka my precious babies, are going to eventually die of horrific diseases. I’m going to pretend that was never a thought that crossed my mind. Let’s pray that Kate and Betty at least make it to the sixties so they can move to New York and get Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce to design the business cards for their gay enterprise.

Gladys and Vera are about to head out and get their drunk bowl on when surprise, James the soldier boyfriend returns. Turns out that he is on leave before shipping out to Deathsville, Europe (Am I too excited for this? Maybe). Vera’s expression says it all. Kudos, girlfriend. I am so over his lame ass, too.

Vera heads into town to find herself some man meat because she is not about that third wheel life. Vera is probably the wisest person on this show, can we be real?

Over at the Jewel Box, Betty and Kate are letting their beards out for exercise.

sorry my version just wants to remind you this is a canadian production and snow conditions are important in canada

Betty flirts pretty shamelessly with Kate and I wish Gladys was here to give her a knowing bro glance.

Betty: Lime cordial.

Kate: My favorite.

Betty: I know. I still keep a bottle.

Betty and her flawless dyke swag, I tell you.

Kate hallucinates her father and Betty’s Lesbian Spidey Senses go off. Since she is always expertly tuned into Kate’s Deepest Emotions FM station, she knows it’s time to take Kate home. Ivan and Buddy are confused and disappointed as they thought their boots were gonna get thoroughly knocked tonight, even though they are on the cusp of realizing their love for each other. Buddy makes a joke about Ivan not having to put out. Hahaha…ha…haha.

yeah i was over this club when the dj refused to play robyn

Over at Joyless Junction, Bob is on Lorna’s case again because instead of just being 80% sure his wife was carrying another man’s cannoli, he is 99.99% sure. As a result he kicks her out of the house. Come on, Bob. You had such a Mister Rogers vibe last season. You are killing me, man.

and this is what universal health care has done for my teeth how do you think i feel

Vera is fishing where all the soldiers are picking up girls (I’m confused by the logistics of this, but apparently there is a place where the soldiers literally troll for girls? anyway) and finds she’s caught an Italian Stallion. Marco says they should go get ice cream. Oh, Marco. Please don’t put a baby lasagna in Vera.

i don’t want to brag about my cannoli’s quality but you can yelp it and peep the reviews

Gladys just finished the bump and grind with James. Turns out the clap is treatable, my bad. She gives him a quick lesson in bullet construction. It’s sweet because her face is the face of an angel but I still don’t like this dude. Team Kai, y’all.

and now that you understand this bullet let me introduce you to the magic bullet that will be replacing you

They head over to the lesbian commune to say howdy to Betty and Kate, who are in the middle of…skin treatments? Betty continues to be unimpressed with James, makes great faces, etc.

James insults the lesbian commune and Betty is done with his shit. They head out to the beach where James gets tanked and fails to shoot a dummy off a log. This reveals his inner demons about not being able to lead people into battle and feeling inadequate even though his social status was what got him an undeserved position? I don’t…whatever.

jesus gladys stop making jokes about white man tears

Lorna spends the night at the factory re: Bob kicking her out. Marco leaves her a note instructing her to come see him half-naked so they can have a serious discussion. Oh, Marco.

ghostwriter??!?!!? how did you find me?

Kate goes to the trailer where she and father were living to get the last of his money. A cop shows up and tells her that her father has died and he’s looking for information re: the whole death thing. Kate plays it cool and hard. Damn, Lady Vengeance Kate. You are a boss. She heads down to the station to ID the body, cool as a motherfuckin cucumber.

if you’re wondering whether me and my lesbian lover threw my father to his death, you would be incorrect

In the men’s locker room, aka the perfect place to have a really serious life-changing conversation, Marco wants to talk turkey sausage with Lorna. Lorna says she’s going to go away to have the baby and then give it up for adoption. Marco says he wants to raise it in the proper Italian family so it grows to love spaghetti as much as he does. It is difficult to follow this conversation when Marco’s man nipples are showing.

oh yeah they’re rock hard peep the yelp reviews

Kate IDs the body, but not before the cop starts poking holes in her story. I have a really awful feeling about how this plot is going to turn out but am trying to focus on lesbianism to stay happy.

k uh he’s definitely dead umm thanks 4 the ride bbl d00d

Bad news at the factory, where the war is going super bad for the Allies and everyone is freaking about it. While the factory workers join in an impromptu rendition of “God Save Colin Firth”, Lorna starts feeling not so hot.

look i want to go back to the party can you get public safety to drive you home or something

In the other locker room, Betty is begging Kate not to leave, even though Kate insists that it’s the only way she can save them both.

You’ve got a life here, not me. You found a boy.

He’s nothing but a fling!

You deserve to be happy. Why do you want me messing up your life?

The thing is, Kate. The thing is –

The thing is that she still has her L Word DVDs? The thing is that they got sorted into Gryffindor and Hufflepuff? Nope, we all know the thing is that Kate is Betty’s whole life, and if she leaves, she takes her whole heart with her.

But Betty doesn’t get to finish because Lorna busts in and they need to take her to the hospital. Betty begs Kate to come home afterwards. This is my face right now:

Vera has gone fishing for soldiers again, and hooks a goddamned hunk. If this show ends with everything in flames but Vera happy and snug as a bug in a rug, then I will be pleased.

author’s note: i just got his haircut like two hours ago

Ivan comes to visit Betty at the lesbian commune. He really looks like my high school boyfriend, guys. He says some RIDICULOUSLY CORNY LINES that I may or may not recycle at some point, and manages to kiss her. It’s the most awkward kiss I’ve ever seen.

And then, in yet another scene that is equal parts hilarious and heart-breaking, she THANKS HIM and PATS HIM ON THE BACK. This could only be presented in gif form.

credit to hannahorvath@tumblr

Oh, my dear sweet Ivan. Someday this will all make sense, I swear. She will send you a MySpace message apologizing for never wanting to kiss or touch or anything and then tell you she has a girlfriend. And you will block her on AIM but you will come to understand in your own way, I promise.

Meanwhile, Vera is getting super lucky and is apparently a “destroyer” in the sack? Looks like the birth of my “All Aboard the HMS Vera” jokes, congratulations folks.

time to get these “ahoy seaman” jokes out of my system

Now that Joyless Junction has migrated to the hospital, we await the fate of Lorna and Baby Cannoli. Marco shows up, because he is pretty but he is dumb. Bob punches him in the face. I shit you not.

MAKE ANOTHER GLEE JOKE I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

Unfortunately, much like Marco’s pretty face, Baby Cannoli did not make it through the episode.

Ah, Baby Cannoli, we hardly tasted ye.

Back at the lesbian commune, Kate returneth! Betty is drinking tea with Ivan (v. sensual, good choice guys) and DROPS THE TEA POT when she sees Kate. Subtlety is definitely Betty’s number one skill, let’s face it.

I was out there thinking that I had no family left, but then I realized that I did.

Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just over here sobbing. I also watched this entire scene with R. Kelly playing in my head?

Something happens with James still being whiny and then Gladys takes his picture I DON’T EVEN CARE I refuse to screencap him whining more. Dare I say he is the Finn Hudson of this show? Anyway.

Vera and Gladys do a stride of pride into work the next day. It’s glorious and I love them.

let’s start a girl gang called “empowered slut kittens”

Lorna wakes up to Bob and Sheila taking care of her. Yes, that Bob. Maybe the spirit of Mister Rogers has repossessed him?

GET OUT OF THE EDITING BOOTH RIGHT THIS MINUTE JJ ABRAMS

Sad to see Baby Cannoli go, but when god closes a window, she opens a closet door and tells Betty and Kate to walk on out and start kissing super hard. Thanks, god.

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