Rhymes With Witches: Scream Queens
Halloween is almost here which to me means one thing: overanalyzing horror flicks for any feminist undertones! YAY!!!! Creative writing/Women’s studies major’s work is never done and for this graduate, no season has better metaphors for misogynistic fears and powerful female sexuality than the scary movies that permeate almost every channel and film festival throughout October.
I mean seriously, is there anything scarier or gorier than being a woman? Horror films are a perfect and entertaining vessel to showcase not just our own fears but about other people’s fears towards us as women. Horror films run the gamut of fears we experience as women. Everything from childbirth, abusive relationships, roommates and demon possession (duh). I could go on for hours about all the different subgenres in scary flicks and their feminist or non-feminist message and I have to admit that my favorite subgenre at the moment is the Blossoming-Teenage-Girl-Becoming-A-Woman and all the scary mumbo jumbo that comes along with that.
Drenched in metaphors about loss of innocence and blooming sexuality, the psychological warfare of high school along with all the blood and guts that comes with it, it becomes clear just how perfect our puberty years are a perfect fit for the horror film genre. If we took all of the fear, anger, confusion, exhilaration we felt as teens and molded that into a movie, it would be a horror flick. So in honor of this holiest of scary holidays, I have compiled a few of my all-time favorite scary chick flicks: ranging from horror classics to ridiculous fun. Whether a hardcore scary movie fan or just looking for something fun to play at a party, hope this list helps.
Carrie (1976)
Carrie is like the Titanic of scary movies. Everyone knows what happens at the climax yet it’s still a mandatory installment in any (good) Must Watch list. The now iconic image of a young, fresh-faced Sissy Spacek covered in pig’s blood is so ingrained in our pop culture I think we’d be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn’t know who Carrie (or at least what happens to her) is. The movie follows Carrie, a shy teen outcast who is in constant torment from fellow students and from her own religious nut job mother. But Carrie soon discovers she has telekinetic powers and goodness knows she’s not just gonna use it to get snacks from the fridge without moving from the couch (which is what I would do).
Gingersnaps (2000)
Talk about heavy handed, you can cut the metaphors and symbolism in this movie with a butter knife. The film surrounds sisters Brigitte and Ginger, two social outcasts who like to spend their time recreating gory death scenes like some kind of twisted lookbook. But a rift starts growing between them when Ginger starts her period/gets bitten by a werewolf. Will their sisterly bond be able to survive all of Ginger’s body ch-ch-changes.
The Moth Diaries (2011)
All girls boarding school? Check. Plaid skirts? Check. Lesbian vampire played by world renown supermodel Lily Cole? CHECK. Our main character, Rebecca and Lucie are inseperable and are all set to have an awesome new school year. That is, until a mysterious new girl, Ernessa arrives and starts to get really close to Lucie (like real close). Is Ernessa really a monster or is Rebecca’s strong jealousy messing with her sense of reality? It’s probably pretty cheesy but because of the above checklist, it’s now a Halloween staple.
Jennifer’s Body (2009)
A seriously underrated movie about a demon possessed cheerleader (played by Megan Fox) who eats boys. #Rolemodel status much? So the story is a little clunky, but if you ever wanted to see Amanda Seyfried kiss Megan Fox and kill Adam Brody, then this is the flick for you.
Little Witches (1996)
Yet another movie set in an all girl’s boarding school (this time a catholic school), but while The Moth Diaries at least tries to be a high brow scary movie, this has no qualms just being god awful and I love it. But most importantly, this is Clea Duvall‘s first movie and one where she has a naked scene so obviously this is my favorite movie of all time. (Yes it’s on Netflix, why are you still reading this for?)
Byzantium (2012)
I like to think of this as the feminist Interview With a Vampire or/and the vampire version of Ginger Snaps. Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan) and Clara (Gemma Arterton) are sisters hiding in a decrepit coastal town trying to hide out from an ancient league of vampires who believe only men should have the power to have and grant immortality. Kick ass girl power scenes ensue!
The Company of Wolves (1984)
Based on the werewolf stories from Angela Carter’s short story collection The Bloody Chamber, this is any nerdy girls’ wet dream. Here Carter, who also wrote the screenplay, creates a beautiful film that looks like a poem brought to life. Though there are several stories interspersed throughout the movie, in the center is the story of Rosalee, the Little Red Riding Hood figure who must find common ground between living in an oppressive society and her burgening sexuality. With Angela Lansbury as Rosalee’s grandmother, this is not one to miss.
The Craft (1996)
The quintessential ’90s film that made witchcraft look so cool we all ran out to the local library to read Teen Witch and wear “goth-y” floral dresses. Also I want to personally like to thank the script writer who knew exactly what teenage girls would do if they had magical powers; and yeah I’m taking about the hair color changing scene. That’s pretty much my femme fantasies come to life. This movie focuses on a group of misfit girls who harness the power of “Manol” and start raising a little hell. The awesome powers aside it’s fascinating to watch the power dynamics among a group of friends and how easily they can turn on each other when that power is threatened in anyway.
Teeth (2007)
Come one! Obviously I’m going to mention this film. In case you are one of the few humans who consently chooses to live under a rock but just started to get wi-fi, Teeth is about Dawn, a teenage spokesperson for a Christian abstinence group who discovers that her vagina not only has dentures, but has a pretty strong bite to it too. I ain’t gonna give anything else away, but I trust you will love, just as I did, watching this character grow from a someone who fears her lady bits to wielding them like a weapon.
I admit I don’t think this list is perfect or fully encompasses the wide array of teenage girlhood. Where are all the WOC and queer women in horror films? And I’m not talking about those horrible voodoo priestess or animal demon stereotypes. If there are any horror films out there with awesome female characters that I missed (even if they don’t fit the “blossoming teen” genre, I wanna know anyways! From one scary movie fan to another.
Rhymes With Witches: Lumpy Space Princess
Think you’re too old and too cool to watch cartoons? What if I told you there’s a cartoon that is both visually stunning, giggle inducing, AND feminist? Look no further than Cartoon Network’s cacophony of sights and sounds known by toddlers to grown ass people alike as Adventure Time. Since its debut in 2010 Adventure Time has become a worldwide sensation. What’s not to love about a show that values friendship, a candy kingdom ruled by a nerdy princess, and an underlying theme of feminism and LGBT acceptance? And all in a kid’s show!!
The show contains some of the raddest chicks to grace the cartoon universe which I could wax poetic about for hours, but this column is about mean girls which means only one thing: Lumpy Space Princess.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CSZcTHmH-o
If you haven’t seen the show, I promise you, you have SEEN Lumpy Space Princess. Whether on your Tumblr feed, on t-shirts and/or costume parties. She’s the purple cumulus cloud with a big yellow star on her forehead and a sassy smirk. You’ve probably even heard a few of her famous catchphrases like “What the glob?” and “Lump off!” Originating from Lumpy Space, where having a smooth human body is looked down on, LSP spends her days floating around living her life like an episode of Laguna Beach. Imagine the entire teenage experience compacted into a single character, that’s Lumpy Space Princess. She talks in a HEAVY Valley Girl accent, which make the ridiculous things that come out of her mouth even funnier. She encompasses the quintessential teenager in that she is completely self-involved and acts like every minute thing in her life is an EVENT.
She talks back to her parents and makes rude comments under the guise that she’s just very perceptive and honest. Thinking about how her words may affect other people is nowhere near the trajectory of her mind. She is feeling her FANTASY and frankly the rest of the world can be a part of it or not. Sometimes I wonder if life would be less stressful if we didn’t have to worry about silly things like other people’s feelings and how others view us. LSP just outright doesn’t care (mostly because I don’t think she has the ability to have that perspective), she KNOWS she’s fabulous and will let you know too.
I have never seen a character so outright love their body. Sure, there were those annoying cartoons like Johnny Bravo, whose vanity just completely put me off, but they were mostly dudes and were really unlikable. But here’s a female character that can’t stop talking about her beautiful lumps. As far as LSP is concerned everyone is trying to get at her lumps, but rarely does she ever actually let them. I mean, this show talks about CONSENT y’all. Sure her vanity is dramatized for laughs, but it’s this kind of self-confidence I wish I saw on a mainstream cartoon when I was growing up and am happy to see so many young kids be into.
LSP is a bundle (cloud) of all the raw emotions that are slowly subdued when we become adults. If LSP is happy, you’re gonna know. If she’s upset, you’ll DEFINITELY know. There’s no block or thought process, she just feels everything so intensely, which makes her more outrageous but relatable as well. It’s like I’m feeling vicariously through her if that makes any sense?
Oh yeah, did I mention that she spits out rainbows? Yeah. She also has these crazy sharp teeth that when bitten can turn anyone into a lumpy space person.
In short she is sassy, completely self-serving and refuses to take any guff from anybody. And we love her for it. Lumpy Space Princess believes she is the hottest thing ever and in turn has convinced an entire fandom of it too. I think her meteoric rise in popularity comes from how we see a bit of someone that we were and wish we had the guts to be.
At the end of the day it’s all bout the lumps.
Rhymes With Witches: Original Degrassi Mean Girl, Tabi
Have you ever loved a fictional character so much that their image is so ingrained into your head that years later after you’ve forgotten their name or even what show or movie they starred in, the image of this person is still crystal clear? That’s who Tabi is to me.
For all you non-Degrassi hardcore fans; Tabitha, widely known as Tabi, was a character in the awesomely good/bad Canadian show Degrassi High (1989) the spinoff to the equally amazing Degrassi Junior High (1987). If you’ve never watched the show, it’s actually pretty awesome and is one of the most progressive teen shows I’ve ever watched, and it came out in the ’80s!!! I mean, they have a feminist character, who calls herself a feminist and is not made into a villain. Past all it’s neon legging and scrunchie cheesiness, Degrassi discussed everything from HIV to abortion and suicide in a way that I (who watched the show for the first time when I was 19) felt personally invested.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaloVzpglHk
For all their controversial storylines and even more outrageous outfits, nothing has stuck with me more than the original Degrassi Bad Girl, Tabi. With 13 seasons under its belt, Degrassi has those tropes on LOCKDOWN. But when they were first starting out, the show didn’t really have a lockdown on a really good Mean Girl character. They had girls who were occasionally rude or were mean, but not really any Mean Girls. That is until the first season of Degrassi High when we meet the peanut butter eating, hairspray in your face teenage delinquent that is Tabi. She’s introduced as sidekick to Dwayne, the main school bully. With the arrival all of all the new freshman, they feel their high school has become too soft and bubbly and they need to bring the hammer down on these goody two shoes. The gang decides to reinstate the hazing ritual all incoming freshman had to endure and they are not going to make it easy for them. Of course, the hazing drama is only the beginning of their corrupt reign.
One of the biggest mistakes this show has made (other than their theme song), was not making her a main character. I guess that’s what happens when your cast consists of, like, thirty people. What few scenes she does star in, she barely has any lines which are all missed opportunities to show off her snarky and bitchy demeanor. I wanna know what’s going on inside that overly hairsprayed head! And now I guess I’ll never know.
But to be honest, I think that maybe one of the reasons I like her so much. The mystery. Other than her short scenes, we don’t ever really get to know much about her or her background. Degrassi just needed a bully and Tabi fit that mold perfectly. Her uniform consists of a Degrassi varsity jacket, though I think she’s too cool to actually be a part of any organized sport, and, of course, an opened peanut butter jar that she is always snacking on. THIS IS THE PERSON I WANT TO BE. I strive to one day be cool enough that I just walk around with my nutella jar while looking at OTHER people with disgust. It’s Tabi who made way for future Degrassi Bad Girls, like Bianca DeSousa and the kick ass Alex Nunez (omg should I write about her next?).
When I decided that I wanted to write about Tabi for this column it had been a good while since I had watched the show and I had totally forgotten her name. So I literally just typed “peanut butter girl degrassi” on Google and prayed for the best. Um it didn’t really work as well as I thought. Dang it Google, there’s only one chick with peanut butter in all of Degrassi‘s history, whaterudoin?! You see! That’s how much of a strong image her character left on me. After 27 years, Degrassi has showcased hundreds of characters (main and minor) many of which I also love, but there’s only one where I can instantly recall with just two words*.
*Peanut Butter
Rhymes With Witches: Poor Little Rich Girl Mary Crawley
My (totally one sided) love affair with Downton Abbey’s Lady Mary Crawley began the second I saw a gif set of her on this brand new website called Tumblr. It was my second year of college and I pretty much retreated from any form of human contact aside from the nice lady at the Taco Bell drive-thru window. This meant that I spent an embarrassingly large amount of hours investigating any gif set that I found the least bit intriguing. And by intriguing I mean had a beautiful, ethereal, hopefully bitchy-looking lady. And boy did I hit the Tumblr jackpot with Lady Mary Crawley.
To start off, Mary Crawley is an actual Lady. With a capital L. Not quite sure what qualifies one to become a lady but I think it has to do with something about royalty, a large fortune, and an ancient estate, which in Mary’s case is Downton Abbey itself. She is the eldest daughter of Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham and American heiress, Cora Crawley. You would think she would be set for life, right? Well, since this is turn of the century England, law states that her father’s entire estate and title, along with her mother’s fortune, must pass to a male heir. So even with this fancy title, that’s all Lady Mary is — a fancy doll whose sole purpose is to get married to a distant cousin to keep the estate and the fortune among the family.
Um… I’d become a bitchy nightmare if this was my life. And oh is Lady Mary a cranky ass bitch.
Via 24.media.tumblr.com
We first meet Lady Mary in 1912, a whole six years before women get the right to vote, and that’s only if they were over 30, owned property or had a university degree. She, along with the rest of her family, just received news that her fiancé/distant cousin has died on the Titanic, which means the position of heir moves to yet another distant cousin, Matthew Crawley. The constant pushing and pulling for new suitors has left Lady Mary furious and bitter and focuses all of her anger towards Matthew.
She was brought up her entire life knowing her sole purpose was just a means to an end, maintaining the family line to keep the estate alive. While the show follows the upstairs and downstairs occupants and how their lives intersect in the estate, it is Mary’s life that is inseparable from Downton Abbey. They are a package deal; she would be nothing without it.
“Women like me don’t have a life. We choose clothes and pay calls and work for charity and do the season. But really we are stuck in a waiting room until we marry.”
Via tc.pbs.org
Her title is a confinement that she can’t ever break free from. She is sick of being a pawn in Downton Abbey’s game and refuses to act as if she’s happy with her position. When the series first came out, everyone hated Lady Mary because they thought she was such a prissy princess and that she should “get over herself.” And by all means she is, but why wouldn’t she be? She acknowledges her position as a glorified porcelain doll and tries to rebel against it with a fiery spirit that could melt off the paint on china. She acts superior to her sisters and pretty much everyone else because it’s the only way she feels powerful.
People despise her for it at first, until it’s realized that her entitlement comes from fear. She’s just a lost soul waiting for something to happen to her and there’s nothing she can do about it. Her title and money are her gilded cage to which there is seemingly no key. I think it’s because of said cage that it’s hard for Lady Mary to relate to others’ struggles because she is so wrapped up in her own. She’s rude and often says the cruelest things to people she actually cares about, and has no concept of how those words hurt them.
“You should learn to forget what I say. I know I do.”
Via dailymars.net
While I love Lady Mary Crawley and I follow Michelle Dockery (the actress who plays her) on Instagram, the clumsy story arc and killing spree has hindered me from watching Downton Abbey past season 3. Hopefully Lady Mary is still the strong character that I remember her to be and also have the stankiest eye roll in all of television history.
“Haven’t you heard? I don’t have a heart. Everyone knows that.”
Via media1.giphy.com
Rhymes With Witches: The Frenemies of “Bachelorette”
feature image via RADiUS-TWC
I don’t understand why Bachelorette isn’t a more popular movie. It’s one of the few movies that tackles female friendships in the most honest and brutal way possible. But even better, it showcases some of the most horrible, selfish, mean women ever to grace the silver screen. So obviously this makes it one of my favorite movies of all time. Seriously, I don’t even want to say how many times I’ve streamed Bachelorette on Netflix on any given week. This is the post-Mean Girls movie that I’ve been waiting for, and if you’ve been wondering what happens to the “Plastics” in their late twenties, this is the flick for you.
via RADiUS-TWC
How do I even start to unravel the wonderfulness that is Bachelorette? The movie starts off with three high school best friends who are horrified when their other clique member becomes engaged and asks them to be her bridesmaids. There’s queen bee Regan (Kirsten Dunst), pretty airhead Katie (Isla Fisher) and reckless stoner Gena (Lizzy Caplan). Their horror pretty much comes from the fact that they can’t believe the fourth member of their clique, Becky (kick ass Rebel Wilson), the girl they use to call “Pigface” is getting married before them. That’s it. Becky is down to earth, and sweet and, as we find out throughout the film, truly cares about her friends and is the only character with any kind of dignity. But she’s fat so obviously her best frenemies are bitter and all of them coming together for her wedding exacerbate their insecurities which leads to binge drinking and a few dashes of cocaine here and there. What starts off as a fun drunken night with old friends (long after the official bachelorette party abruptly ends) results in a ripped wedding gown and Katie, Regan and Gena trying to fix it before the wedding takes place the very next day.
These three women take the term “frenemies” to a level I have never experienced on screen. They show complete disdain towards the success of their friend’s on coming nuptials and spend most of the early part of the night bitter and making fun of her. They are selfish, cruel, and thoughtless towards, not just Becky, but pretty much everyone else at the wedding reception.
But somehow, the rest of the movie is the three of them going to extreme lengths to give Becky the wedding of her dreams. Even through all their cruel jokes and hurtful jabs, there is a strong bond with these four women that transcends all that bullshit and reveals an affection that is as strong and important as it was when they were teenagers. But why? As much as they may act like reckless teens, high school is over and it’s hard to imagine that any of these women would be friends as adults. So why an entire movie about these women coming together to help, not just each other, but their old BFF?
via RADiUS-TWC
Robin Hitchcock explains this strange dynamic perfectly in her post, “Bachelorette Proves Bad People Can Make Great Characters”, for the site Bitch Flicks: “It may be hard to imagine how these characters became friends in the first place, but who didn’t build some unlikely friendships through the happenstance of high school classroom seating charts and locker assignments? And despite all their nasty behavior, it’s not hard to understand why they are still friends after all these years: Bachelorette masterfully illustrates the bond we feel with the people we’ve known the longest, even if they aren’t the closest people in our present lives.”
I totally agree with Hitchcock. All that dumb business of friendship bracelets and matching scrunchies is rooted in something stronger than any multi-colored hemp thread and much longer lasting. While we might outgrow our high school friends, we will never outgrow that amazing feeling of having someone who will totally have your back.
I don’t want to give any spoilers (go see it right MEOW!) the end of the movie remains unclear as to whether Katie, Regan and Gena grow or learn anything from their late night hot mess adventure, but there’s no doubt that their strange friendship was as strong as it was when they were teens. From what I read most reviewers couldn’t get into the film because of the unlikeable characters. But the uncomfortable level of unlike-ability factor is one of the things I love most about the film (second is Lizzy Caplan, duh). If likeability is so important why was HOUSE such a popular TV show? It certainly wasn’t because he was likeable, but he was still beloved and that’s how I feel about Regan, Gena and Katie. You don’t have to relate to their bad choices to understand the bizarre nature of female friendships. Screw The Hangover; Bachelorette is where it’s at.
Rhymes With Witches: Broadway Badass Elaine Stritch
feature image from Elaine Stritch: Shoot Me
On Thursday July, 17, Elaine Stritch passed away at her home in Birmingham, Michigan. There have been some amazing and wildly talented women that have lit up the stages of Broadway but none were brassier or sassier than Elaine Stritch. I always thought of theater as one of the most magical experiences anyone can experience and Elaine Stritch was one of it’s most skilled sorceresses. At 89 years old, she has worked with everyone from Sondheim to Dean Martin to Tina Fey (with numerous Tony and Emmy nominations thrown in for good measure). She will be equally remembered for the brassy characters she played and her brassier personality. What I’m trying to say is that, Elaine Stritch was a bitch and she didn’t give a f*ck what you thought about her. She was outspoken, uncompromising and FIERCE. She was the director of her own life and her tenacity and strong spirit will be sorely missed.
To pay tribute to this amazing woman I have collected some of my favorite moments from Elaine Stritch’s amazing career and hope you enjoy.
“The Ladies Who Lunch” from Company
Though Stritch made her Broadway debut when she was 21 years old, in 1946, she carved herself into Broadway history with Stephen Sondheim’s groundbreaking musical, Company.
Acceptance Speech at the 2004 Primetime Emmys
Oh yeah, in case winning over theater audiences wasn’t enough, she also had an extensive career in the big and small screens. She was nominated eight times for an Emmy, and won three. In this clip she just won an Emmy for her one woman show Elaine Stritch at the Liberty and her acceptance speech is the best thing ever.
Colleen on 30 Rock
Most of you probably know Stritch as Colleen, Jack Donaghy’s (Alec Baldwin) fabulous mother. It’s rumored that Stritch insisted on wearing her own fur coats and jewels to shoot the show, but was actually sending the bill to production and keeping her wardrobe! Oh Elaine, you sneaky little bitch.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15a5jz6J0lM
Elaine Stritch at the Liberty
For a better (and much more entertaining) telling of Stritch’s life and career check out her Tony and Emmy winning one-woman show. In it, she talks about overcoming alcoholism, dissing Marlon Brando, and failing the audition for Golden Girls all while wearing no pants!
Elaine Stritch: Shoot Me
Thankfully, this past year someone was brilliant enough to dedicate an entire documentary that captures the complex and multi-dimensional woman that is Elaine Stritch. Along with interviews from friends and colleagues (including Tina Fey, Cherry Jones and James Gandolfini), the film follows Stritch (87 years old at the time) as she struggles with aging, diabetes and alcoholism while managing a packed schedule full of stage performances and guest appearances on TV. While I have not seen it (YET!) it’s been revered as a tender and intimate look of a complex woman and artist.
Here I leave you with some of my favorite quotes from Elaine Stritch through the years:
“All you have to do is say, ‘I’m going home’, and you’re the most popular girl at the party.”
“I never found anyone who could look after me as well as I could look after myself.”
“You can’t be funny unless you’re tragic, and you can’t be tragic unless you’re funny.”
“This age thing is all up to you. It’s like happiness is up to you. You just have to understand what it is before you get it.”
Rhymes With Witches: Bryan Fuller’s Slacker Goddesses, Jaye and George
Pop culture idolizes slacker dudes, but where are the slacker dudettes? Hit films like The Big Lebowski and anything from Judd Apatow have cemented slackerdom as a guys paradise and I’m sure one could argue that this lead to the stereotype of career driven women that are “leaning in”. But what about the women who are leaning back? Before there was this “golden age of female comedy” where I could watch Mindy Kaling wear pajamas while eating fast food all day or Ilana Glazer taking naps during her job in Broad City, I had Bryan Fuller. Well, not technically him, but his shows, which at the time included Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me (I would become obsessed with his magnum opus, Pushing Daisies, years later). And most importantly the shows’ main slacker characters, Jaye Tyler and George Lass.
I came across Wonderfalls from the strange black hole that was early Netflix. No matter how much they spike their prices, I will forever be grateful to this site for exposing me to possibly my favorite show of all time. It premiered on Fox in 2004 and was cancelled after only four episodes. But lucky us, the remaining nine episodes were added (along with tons of other goodies) to the series DVD set. The show focuses on disaffected underachiever Jaye Tyler, a twenty something philosophy grad who spends her days in slacker bliss working in a Niagara Falls gift shop, until a wax lion starts talking to her. In fact all inanimate objects with animal faces start talking to her. The amount of confusion you are feeling right now is nothing compared to Jaye’s who takes on this new “gift” with the gracefulness of a monster truck. It’s kinda hard to give no fucks when there are plastic pink flamingos telling you to do stuff.
Jaye has better things to not be doing
Via kipmooney.com
I fell in love with Fuller’s quirky storytelling style and hilarious female protagonist that I instantly looked up anything else he created, which led me to Dead Like Me. It lasted two seasons on Showtime (2003-04) that I highly recommend and had a straight to DVD movie that I am begging you not to watch. DLM introduces us to Georgina “George” Lass (played by Ellen Muth from “The Truth About Jane” infamy). She’s a college dropout who dies in the first episode from a flying toilet that fell from the Soviet Space Station and becomes a grim reaper, who removes the souls of people right before they die, and guides then into their afterlife. I know that’s a lot to take in but it’s the Fullerverse so obviously there’s more. Since reapers are not technically dead (their appearance is changed so as not to confuse anyone who might have known them) they still need live by “human” rules which, to George’s dismay, means getting a job. Oh and not just any job, but a position as a temp for Happy Time Temporary Services, under the assumed name “Millie Hagen.” George’s character is summed up perfectly in her intro monologue, when she says “I excel at not giving a shit.” Death is a bitch, and so is she.
Now on to why these badass ladies deserve that title. First, something about androgynous names (which Fuller is famous for) raises your “cool” barometer at least ten decimals higher. I think it’s a cheeky way to poke fun at how these two characters are embodying the “everyman” character so often (and lazily) relegated to males as far back as folk stories and fairytales (think Ivan the Fool in Russian fairytales). We also meet Jaye and George at a specific point in their lives when achievement becomes this extremely regulated idea of what success is suppose to be, which in our capitalistic society means college and a respected (meaning high paying) job. But both Jaye and George outright resist these ideals and actually do everything in their power to avoid it. Both follow the philosophy of “to avoid disappointment is to avoid interest.” Surrounded by a family members with plenty of high achievements, both girls circumvent the pressure to live up to their families’ expectations with their non-aspirational attitude. They’re not entitled like Lena Dunham’s characters or Kristen Wiig’s character in Bridesmaids; instead of stewing in their own sense of underachievement they bask in it.
Via vayatele.com
It’s these tense and strained relationships with family that these two plots thrive on. Since George is dead she has to learn to create a new bond with the group of reapers she’s assigned to work with that become her new family, while still trying to maintain some kind of connection to her parents and little sister whose lives are still heavily affected by her death. With Jaye, her new circumstances are leading her to spend more and more time reconnecting with her family who clearly love each other but are stuck in this awkward stage of mutual disdain.
It takes a lot of work to waste this much time
Via inconnumag.tumblr.com
I view Jaye and Geoge’s schlub status as giving themselves the space to just be. We spend all our lives working towards something, and I think it takes courage to sit still and be idle. In A Room of One’s Own Virginia Woolf writes “It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged through sometimes comes to the top.” If it’s good enough for Woolf, then it’s good enough for me.
Rhymes with Witches: Drew Barrymore in 90’s Cult Classic, “Poison Ivy”
I have to be honest. I had never watched the 1992 cult classic Poison Ivy until last night. I know! And even stranger, I thought about watching it through the suggestion of my favorite sad crooner and self-proclaimed “gangsta Nancy Sinatra,” Lana Del Rey. And by suggestion I mean I was obsessively listening to her new album Ultraviolence where she mentions being called “poison ivy” in the title track. And before you start, no I don’t think she was referencing the comic book character, which I also wrote about. Even though I had never watched the movie, its presence and the namesake’s titular character has permeated pop culture, and some of my favorite blogs. When I heard Lana’s deep voice utter the name I instantly thought of the VHS cover with a bleach blonde wearing a red miniskirt in the rated R section of my local Blockbuster that I was never allowed to rent from. This lasting image made me realize of a perfect subject for RWW, and that I simply couldn’t go on another second without watching this movie.
We meet Ivy, played by 17-year-old Drew Barrymore, swinging at the edge of a quarry, her curly blonde hair trailing behind her, some scuffed cowboy boots and a leather jacket with drawing of a naked woman riding a tiger on the back. The title credits hadn’t finished rolling and I knew this was going to become a favorite movie of mine. And it’s not JUST because Lana Del Rey copies this exact scene in her music video for “Ride.” While the movie is named after Barrymore’s character, the movie is narrated by Sylvie Cooper (played by Sara Gilbert), a lonely outcast with a privileged background and an awesome hairdo of an eyeball shaved on the side of her head. Sylvie becomes instantly enamored with this mysterious girl and they become the best of friends. This is when the movie starts taking a turn for the strange.
Via rebloggy.com
First of all, Ivy isn’t really her name. It’s actually the name Sylvie gives her (it’s kinda complicated, so just watch the dang movie). So we never actually know her true identity. She tells Sylvie she’s living with an aunt because she had a negligent father and a mom was a junkie that died of an overdose. But as we notice throughout the film, Ivy is a bit of a pathological liar, a great characteristic for a HBIC but one that puts her entire past into question. By the end of the movie we virtually know absolutely nothing about “Ivy”.
The only thing we do know is that Ivy longs for everything Sylvie has (wealth, family, a red Mustang) and plans to take it in the most insidious way possible. What starts as a harmless sleepover turns into Ivy moving permanently into Sylvie’s mansion with her sickly yet beautiful mother and creepy dad (the true villain of this movie as I see it).
Via agentlover.com
Though Ivy’s trashy appearance turns off Sylvie and her parents, Ivy’s charm and seemingly vulnerable nature not only fascinates them, but also makes them want to take care of her. However well intentioned this might be, it all comes off a bit arrogant, like they pity Ivy more than anything for her lower class status. I have to give props to Ivy for acknowledging this and using it to her advantage. Sylvie’s mother feels bad that Ivy doesn’t have any “proper” clothing so she lends her designer clothes which is where Ivy gets her signature red miniskirt and jacket from. Suddenly Sylvie notices not just how much Ivy is starting to look like her mom, but how her parents appear to act more affectionate to her than their own daughter. Even her dog Fred likes Ivy more.
She just wanted all these beautiful things and didn’t see any possible way of getting them that didn’t involve single white female-ing her best friend. I don’t want to give any spoilers but needless to say after all the terrible things that she does, Sylvie can’t help but miss her. And I totally get it. For all of her diabolical plans to take over Sylvie’s life, Ivy made any person she was with feel like they were the most important and interesting person in the world. She could make you despise her but could just as easily win you back with a comforting smile and the feeling that she was the only person that could understand you and knew how to make you better. And that’s what makes her so lethal. She slithers her way into your heart, then smothers it and doesn’t let go.
Rhymes with Witches: Orphan Black’s Clone Club
In an effort to step back from only talking about mean high school girls, I am venturing off to the next logical step: sci-fi. Not just any sci-fi, Canadian sci-fi. I don’t know why but every show I see come out of Canada looks like it was filmed in 2010, has character wardrobes taken straight out of Forever 21 racks and have at least 5 appearances from actors that were once in Degrassi. This weird/awesome cheesiness lends itself awesomely to the sci-fi/fantasy genre, but no show has elevated, not just this genre, but Canadian television as a whole more than the hit series, Orphan Black.
If you have never heard of Orphan Black or have just watched the first episode I’m here to break the news to ya. It’s about clones. Orphan Black is about clones. Clones Clones Clones. Yes I’m talking Dolly the sheep, identical DNA, freaky deaky science clones. CLONES!
In the first episode we are introduced to Sarah Manning, a drifter that has returned (to Toronto? I guess) to retrieve her daughter, but as soon as she steps onto the train platform she comes face to face with a woman she has never met who looks EXACTLY like her. Not to much time to ask questions though, because this woman jumps in front of an on coming train, leaving Sarah in a whirlwind mystery that plunges her into the dark world of major (and super top secret) eugenic companies, crazy religious cults, and yes ultimately finding out that she’s just one of several clones with completely different personalities and lives.
This show is a testament to amazing writing, and the exceptional acting of Tatiana Maslany, who embodies each clone with such fervor it’s hard to reconcile that they are all played by the same person. Each woman is extremely complex and strong and make perfect examples of the badass and fearless women that I write about every other week.
First, there’s Sarah Manning, a seasoned drifter who makes her way by scamming and stealing. She’s the kind of person who is in survival mode at all times. She will do anything (I mean ANYTHING) to protect her daughter, save her own skin, and now, her fellow clone sisters. You can usually find her ferociously running towards or away from danger. The aerobics of the character are insane, but she’s not just the muscle of the group, she has the brains to understand the enemy.
Then we meet Alison Hendrix, the stay at home mom with an affinity towards ponytails and highballs. But don’t let her adorable adopted kids and minivan fool you, this clone has some serious bite and I don’t jut mean the miniature bottle of vodka in her purse. Like Sarah, she too is super protective of her kids, even threatening to shoot Sarah if she wakes them (they were meeting for the first time under the guise of night, it’s a long story.) As you can probably tell from that last statement, she is known for her skill with guns (including those that shoot out hot glue) and obtaining them through illegal, yet weirdly wholesome channels. If Alison sends you a flower basket, you can probably bet there’s some illegal substance hidden inside. I can see why a lot of people find her too uptight or annoying but she’s personally my favorite clone. She’s the only one that has a life that I can even remotely relate to. She’s the only clone who doesn’t want to know the origins of her story or why they were made, she just wants to live a normal life and I am so excited to watch her grow stronger and into the badass mama I know she is.
I know Cosima is the next clone we meet but, seriously she’s a marshmallow, and while I love her she’s definitely not “Bitch” material just yet. Though I did simultaneously gasped and high-fived her when she dissed Delphine for not being an experienced lady lover. That was pretty wild, but it’s definitely not getting stabbed with a metal pipe and stitching up your own wounds.
That my friends, is Helena.
I’m torn because I want to write about Helena but I also don’t want to spoil too much of the show for you. Let’s just say she’s known as the “Killer Clone.” Growing up in an abusive convent in the Ukraine has not served Helena well, and unlike the others she is not content with staying in the background. She is simultaneously the most childish and the most dangerous of all the clones. She is a complete wild card, and I know once you meet her you’ll understand who the next baddest bitch in television is.
Via bbcamerica.com
Gosh, and those are only SOME of the clones you meet in the first season. Don’t even get me started on season 2 and Rachel Duncan. Oh man, Rachel Mothertruckin Duncan. Maybe I can do a second part to this RWW and talk about the reining bitches in the second season. What do ya’ll think?
Rhymes with Witches: Blair vs. Georgina, The Battle of the Bitchy Brunettes
I was definitely one of those kids that read the first book in the Gossip Girl series in complete secrecy, away from the guise of my parents because I couldn’t help but blush from the mere fact that I was reading a dirty book. Well, what I considered a dirty book in those days. I was in sixth grade at this point (spoilers: I’m kinda young) and the most scandalous thing I’d done was stay up late on a school night to watch the Dawson’s Creek series finale. But along came this book that had teenagers having sex, girl drama, underage drinking and partying. This world of privilege in the Upper West Side of NYC was the farthest thing from my life in rural North Carolina, so of course I became instantly hooked.
In 2007, my prayers were answered when Gossip Girl became a television series that I could publicly worship with my friends and watch one of the baddest bitches in YA fiction come to life right before my eyes every week. Of course I am talking about none other than Blair mother-truckin Waldorf. As the Queen Bee she rules the New York social scene with an iron headband. She is ruthless and mean and has stiletto-sharp wit that can ruin anyone’s reputation in seconds flat. She is rich and beautiful and powerful and she knows it. This is a girl that served as second in command since junior high, when her best friend Serena Van Der Woodsen held the position as the most popular girl in school. And she sure as hell isn’t going to relinquish her power when Serena suddenly returns. She has the perfect wardrobe, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life; and no one was going to take that away from her.
While I loved Blair in the book series, she really came to life in the show, where she was played by Leighton Meester. She could be conniving and insecure all in the same scene. She created this perfect image of herself that was ripping apart at the seams and could be easily destroyed at any second. All she wants is everything and she will destroy anyone who gets in her way. This intense personality also lends itself to being a scary/awesome friend. Let’s just say if you piss her or any of her friends off, she has a fashionable army of minions (with matching headbands and clutches) that will descend upon you and your social life.
A young Jenny Humphrey, a freshman social climber, is nipping at her heels. No one comes close to being a match to Ms. Blair, until we meet Georgina Sparks.
Oh Georgina. How can I describe such a majestic creature? With an affinity for black eyeliner and leather, Georgina makes it no secret which side she’s playing — which is always for herself. She manipulates, lies and schemes out of pure boredom. She serves as this out of control party girl image that works as a foil to not only Serena’s new good-girl image, but Blair’s “put together” image as well. She thrives on chaos and is great at holding grudges. It always seems like she has some score to settle and her plans of revenge usually involve blackmailing. Just fun girly things, you know? Personally, I gotta love a character that turns everyone’s world around just for the sake of a good time. Every season she blows in out of nowhere and always leaves a trail of despair behind her, whether it’s stealing someone’s identity or lying about the paternity of her own baby (yeah, it gets crazy). She’s also played by Michelle Trachtenberg, who I will always have a special place in my heart as Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
While both these powerful women butt heads during the entire run of the TV series, Georgina and Blair are actually quite similar. Both are insanely rich and have the most beautiful auburn locks in the history of television, but they also have this knack for finding people’s darkest secrets, and unveiling their worst fears. Both love wielding their power over people and are total control freaks. But while Blair learns compromise, Georgina never settles for anything less than getting exactly what she wants.
But no matter how much I love Georgina and her unpredictable ways, Blair will always be my Queen Bee. Long Live the Queen!
“Haven’t you heard? I’m the crazy bitch around here.”
Rhymes With Witches: Partners in Crime, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn
featured image from animationtidbits.tumblr.com
To be honest y’all I’m not much of a comic book geek. I don’t purposefully skip the graphic novels section in bookstores. It’s not that I dislike them or find them boring. I’ve read a couple here and there but I’m not engrossed into that world as much as other people who deserve to be called fans. With that being said, there’s just something about Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. They are just so cool and so badass that even though I don’t know anything about the DC world, I still wanted to talk about them!! And to be honest, they are the only reason I have even considered visiting my local comic book store.
If you don’t know about these two iconic villains/BFFs, don’t sweat. I didn’t for the longest time but I am so glad I do now and am psyched to be the first to tell you!
via animationtidbits.tumblr.com
Let’s start with everyone’s favorite eco-terrorist (after Ellen Page in The East, of course) Poison Ivy. I first met this red-headed beauty when Uma Thurman played her in the 1997 box office flop, Batman & Robin. But I was 5 years old at the time and had no concept of what a bad movie was, I thought she was awesome. I envied her luscious red locks that rivaled those of Ariel and her fluorescent green jumpsuits that seemed insulting to nature. But long before Uma, Poison Ivy first appeared in the Batman comic in 1966. Apparently creator Robert Kanigher modeled Ivy after Bettie Page, so obviously now I’m hooked. While there’s a ton of back-story as to how she gained her “green” powers or why she’s “evil,” all you need to know is that she’s obsessed with plants and botany and is obsessed with protecting the environment. Oh yeah did I mention she produces pheromones that allow her to use mind control on her enemies. And it goes without being said that she has a kiss that could LITERALLY kill you. She just embodies everything I want to be as a person.
via animationtidbits.tumblr.com
Then there’s her Ride or Die, Harley Quinn. She first appeared in the Batman world in 1992 in Batman: The Animated Series. Though her backstory is never discussed in the series, in a later graphic novel, Mad Love, she is originally Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzell, M.D., a psychiatrist in Arkham Asylum who falls for The Joker and becomes his sidekick/on and off girlfriend. There are other back-stories, but in all she goes loony for The Joker (I guess she’s a sucker for a guy in a nice purple suit?) and becomes a world class thief while donning a jester outfit and heavy face make up. Again all this make up is just making my femme dreams of super heroes come true. And I’m not the only one. She was so popular in the animated series she was added on to the comic book universe and has become one of the most well known female villains in comic history.
While these two gals are great by themselves, they are absolutely awesome when they bond together to create the greatest and most deadly friendship just EVER. They become instant friends when they meet in the animated series while robbing from the same museum. Ever since then, they are inseparable, and there’s hardly a moment one is seen without the other. While I find most villain alliances a little forced and often leading to one or both being double-crossed, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn seem to actually enjoy each other’s company. Whether they’re getting away with something illegal or taunting Batman, they are always laughing and having a good time. While their plans are sometimes foiled, the two are pretty much unstoppable and I think the only reason they don’t get rid of Batman is because they have too much fun making his life miserable.
via animationtidbits.tumblr.com
Also, I guess because they are so inseparable, they are perfect options for fan fiction. Just look at them!! You can cut the sexual tension with a knife. When I think of these two, I envision them as the cutest queer couple that is into feminism and sharing an eco-friendly Subaru.
via the-toast.net
But even if they’re not romantically entangled, you know these two have each other’s backs forever. Even though they are animated, they represent female friendship better than most live movies or TV shows. Never catty or jealous, they truly care for each, especially seen when Poison Ivy constantly tries to save Harley Quinn from her abusive relationship with the Joker. They always look after each other, especially when there’s police involved.
Rhymes With Witches: The Teen Royalty of The Pink Ladies
Admit it, you like Grease. Maybe you haven’t seen it in awhile or haven’t heard the soundtrack on the radio and you forgot about it. And you probably think it’s dorky or cheesy or just plain awful. And to be honest, yes it is all of those things. Take it from someone who was in musical theater for a large portion of her adolescence, I hate it too. But I also kinda love it BECAUSE it is so cheesy and corny and kinda bonkers (remember that Frankie Avalon dream sequence and/or that final scene of Sandy and Danny driving off into the sky?). No matter how hard I try there’s something about those crazy catchy Bee Gee songs and a movie in the 70s trying to depict a movie in the 50’s that’s kinda brilliant. And the most amazing part of it all is one of the original girl gangs, The Pink Ladies.
Don’t let their name emblazoned on their jersey jackets fool ya, these gals ain’t the typical high school debutants. Way less diabolical than the Switchblade Sisters (possible Rhymes With Witches post?) and a ton more fun than the Mean Girls, the Pink Ladies are a permanent part of the American lexicon like gentrified rock n roll and sock hops.
For those of you a bit lost (and a bit young, how have you not seen this movie?) the 1978 movie Grease depicts the blooming love of two kids, greaser Danny and square Sandy, from opposite sides of the very white tracks with the background of a 1950’s high school. But forget about those two because the real entertainment lies with their friends. While the original musical was much grittier and focused more on class conflict and social issues, the movie sanitizes the heck out of the original story which explains why these are the goofiest juvenile delinquents on film. But even with the PG-13 rating, The Pink Ladies were still awesome enough to go down in Girl Gang History.
We first meet the Pink Ladies, which consist of Rizzo, Frenchy, Marty and Jan, on the first day of high school when they drive up in their PINK CAR and their matching jackets. You know a girl gang means business when there’s a uniform requirement — specially cool jackets with embroidered names on the front. Right from the start we know these are not the type of girls that are into promise rings or being elected prom queen. Rebellion and not fitting in, that’s what’s cool. There’s Rizzo, their indelible leader, Marty, the heartbreaker who has a wallet full of marine boyfriends, Jan, with an insatiable sweet tooth, and everyone’s favorite beauty school drop out, Frenchy. Not exactly a menacing group, but cool enough to garner the need of acceptance from high school princess/teen dream Sandy, played by doe-eyed Olivia Newton John.
“She looks too pure to be pink” -Rizzo
It’s 1959 and there ain’t nothing worse than being a SQUARE, which is just what Sandy is. While she pines for Danny (which takes up seriously the entire film), the Pink Ladies are all about using boys for a good time and not much more. The more I think about it the more I realize the genius of their song “Sandra Dee”. While it’s sung to make fun of Sandy, it in turn makes fun of all the cheesy teen girl archetypes from older flicks like Ann-Margaret in Bye Bye Birdie and teen idol, Sandra Dee. Perfect blonde virgins with tiny cinched waists and poodle skirts who frame their crushes on their vanity, an ideal The Pink Ladies despise and refuse to follow. Who cares about being Sandra Dee, when they are too busy throwing milkshakes on their kind-of-boyfriends, dropping out of high school and watching drag races?
“I’m gonna get my kicks while I’m still young enough to get em” -Rizzo
I like them because they are so relatable. They’re funny and awkward and horny, just like high schoolers really are! These characters are foils against the stereotype of a 1950s teen just by being HUMANS. They are subject to mean rumors, heartbreak, and tons of mistakes. Sure they’re not the meanest girl gang or the toughest, but they do seem like the most fun to hang out with. One day we’d be getting drunk at a sleepover and the next we’d be discussing the proper way to dispose of a cigarette with heels on and rat your hair. What I would give to get a “bad” Sandy make over!
Which is your favorite Pink Lady? Mine is Jan, cause I gotta give props to a girl who would rather be eating chocolate bars than making out with greasers. Not to mention her killer bangs.
Calling Out For All Mean Girls! Is there a mean girl or girl gang that you would like to see on Rhymes With Witches? Comment below and let me know of all the awesome ladies we love to hate.
5 Fashionable Ways to Signal Your Queer Girl Status
I get it grrrl. You all up in the club trying to pick up some nice lady to snuggle with (clothes optional), but you keep getting ignored because everyone thinks you are the straight friend that just came along for the homo-erotic ride. Trust me, I’ve been there, and it totally sucks! I know it’s tough to want to dress nice and get hit on by girls, especially when going out, without feeling like you have to dress like a fourteen-year-old boy. FYI: I have nothing against this look (I steal my gf’s Land’s End shirts all the time), I just have more of an affinity towards dresses and heels and seeing the popularity of Modcloth on this site, I’m guessing many of ya’ll do too.
Have no worries lil’ femme chick-adees, I’m here to give you the top 5 pieces of clothing to add to your wardrobe that will instantly spike up anyone’s gaydar without getting an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut.
1. The White V-Neck Shirt
1. Perfect V-Neck T-Shirt by Alternative Apparel ($44) 2. Everyday V-Neck Top by Forever21 ($5.80)
The white v-neck shirt is the ultimate staple for any queer woman’s wardrobe. It’s so simple and classic, not to mention comfy. If you don’t have one, you can go to any megastore ending in Mart and get a whole pack of them from Hanes. No lie, I am such a hardcore femme I did not own a single v-neck shirt, white or otherwise, until my last week of college (which, as shown by my baby face, was not that long ago). Also, don’t feel like you have to completely cast aside your femme styling cues. A white-v neck is great because it can be easily styled with accessories, cute shoes and kick ass hair (Holla to my long haired beauties). Lana Del Rey is a great example of femme-ing up this classic queer style.
2. Invest In An Awesome Hat
1. Summer Beanie by BMC ($24) 2. The Floral Throwback Snapback by Obey ($38) 3. Flower Power Snapback Cap by Forever21 ($12.80)
It’s true, queer ladies love their hats like they love pussycats. The three most popular queer styles are the beanie, the fedora hat, and the baseball cap. I know that baseball caps sound like a big jump from the Blair Waldorf style headbands of our femme youth, but they come in so many floral styles now these hats are no longer resigned to just #tomboy status (just look at Rihanna). The beanie, while known as a winter staple, has a better queer effect in when worn all year long so invest in one made out of a light knit that wont make you sweat during the warmer seasons. With the fedora, I’ve noticed it’s queer girl sensing powers work best at night than just wearing it during the day. Trust the power of the Night Fedora. I don’t know why but lesbians have this thing for Humphrey Bogart and looking like 40’s gangsters. And if you don’t know who Bogart is then you need to get your life together, like right now. But try and stay away from fedoras made from straw because that’s hinging on straight girl territory.
3. It’s All About The Blazer
1. Faux Leather Paneled Blazer by Forever21 ($27.80) 2. Modern Maker Blazer by ModCloth ($47.99)
Now that I think about it, the classic black blazer might be the foolproof way to signal your queer girl status when out at a club or bar. It goes with anything and can be dressed down with a nice pair of jeans or dressed up with a dress and cute jewelry. It’s one of those pieces that looks effortlessly cool and like you have a job (which is always a plus). It says, “I mean business that’s NSFW.” Put one of these babies on and you can go party with the best of celesbians out in L.A. Say hi to Kate Moenning for me!
4. Pledge Allegiance To Flannel
1. Bonfire Stories Tunic in Red Plaid by ModCloth ($39.99) 2. The Flannel Cut Out Dress in Black Plaid by *MKL Collective ($15.00) 3. Prairie Plaid Self-Tie Shirt by Forever21 ($15.80)
When in doubt, just try to look like a lumberjack. Plaid flannel is making a serious come back and it has changed a lot since its last major boom in the 90s. Just think of what a grown up Angela Chase would wear. It comes in so many different styles, you don’t have to feel restricted to just one thing. There’s the classic plaid flannel button down, which can be easily spruced up with a gold necklace (this was pretty much my uniform in college) but there’s also skirts and dresses if you feel more into the Laura Ingalls Wilder prairie girl vibe.
5. Stripes, Stripes And More Stripes
1. Posh Patisserie Top by ModCloth ($24.99)
Tegan and Sara. Need I say more?
I hope these fashion tips have helped any confused chicas out there. As if it isn’t hard enough finding date material, it’s worse coming out and being introduced into this new kinda secret super awesome club and feeling like you don’t fit in. Just hang in there and have fun. Give it some time and before you know it girls from far and wide will want to buy you a beer.
feature image via minsct.tumblr.com
Rhymes With Witches: Wednesday Addams
You pretty much have had to live under a well-ventilated rock for the last 70 years to not know who Wednesday Addams is. At the helm of all things cool and creepy, Wednesday Addams is the queen of outcasts and rebels, and she’s only 6 years old! Well, at least as her first incarnation, when her cartoonist, Charles Addams, created the single panel comic “The Addams Family” for The New Yorker in 1938. As a satirical view of the stereotypical American family, the Addams relished in the macabre and weird and consisted of parents Morticia and Gomez, their two young kids, Uncle Fester, Grandmama and Lurch the butler. Although she made several appearances for the almost 50 years of the Addams’ publication, she wasn’t officially named until 1964, when the characters were adapted into the cult classic television series. According to the Wiki rumors, Charles Addams gave her the name “Wednesday” based on the well-known nursery poem “Monday’s Child” from the line, “Wednesday’s child is full of woe.” Goodness knows where he found the inspiration for the name Pugsley, her younger brother with an affinity for horizontal striped shirts.
Though Wednesday Addams has seen numerous incarnations from television to animated series and even a musical, she was never more well-known (or more loved) than when portrayed by Christina Ricci in the hit 90’s movies, The Addams Family and subsequent sequel The Addams Family Values. In other television series (whether live action or animated), Wednesday was depicted as a sweet natured child who was often bullied by her brother (can you imagine?) and whose weirdest quirk was owning pet spiders.
They even had her be a ballerina! Though her dancing sequence with Lurch is adorable (just check out the vid below), this is far cry from Christina Ricci’s rendition of Wednesday, who enjoyed torturing her nannies (when she wasn’t torturing her brother) and staging real life re-enactments of the French Revolution (real guillotine included).
If you haven’t seen the movie, Wednesday Addams is pretty much everything you could want from a mean girl icon: a killer wardrobe, sardonic wit and a frightening stare that works on both kids and adults. While I don’t remember much from the first movie, the second is one I still consider one of my childhood favorites. In short, it shows Uncle Fester falling in love with a psychotic nanny who wants to steal his money, so she sends Wednesday and Pugsley to Camp Chippewa so they wont ruin her plans to kill Fester after she marries him. The camp turns out to be over-run with white, blonde-haired yuppies where the villains are cheery and politically incorrect (aka racist) counselors. Also at the camp is Wednesday’s arch enemy, the prissy Amanda Buckman, who we meet in the first movie trying to sell Girl Scouts cookies, which our girls asks “Are they made with real Girl Scouts?”
What makes Wednesday stand out is how she goes totally against girly-girl culture. We’ve seen plenty of macabre teenagers and jaded twenty-somethings with an affinity for black, but this anti-social behavior and stoicism is hardly ever represented in young girls. Throughout these movies, she refuses to ever play into the princess culture that permeates through our childhoods, whether it’s the gendered lines in toy stores or the under-representation of girls in leadings roles who aren’t damsels in distress.
A perfect example of this is when the campers are being taught how to save someone from drowning and Amanda yells, “I’ll be the victim!” to which Wednesday retorts, “All your life.” Finally! A young female character who not only defies the little girl princess stereotype but acknowledges it as well (no brainer these Addams Family movies are littered with feminist rhetoric). The movie addresses the infamous Disney princess culture again when Wednesday, Pugsley and Joel are sentenced to the Happy Hut to watch non-stop Disney movies to “brainstorm” them into becoming “happy campers.” While the counselors think their cheery torture worked when Wednesday agrees to play Pocahontas in their Thanksgiving play, they are sorely mistaken when she stages an all out riot against the camp with the rest of the camp’s outcasts and burn the place to the ground. Her monologue as Pocahontas is the best moment in the entire film series, and any Wednesday fan has committed at least half to memory.
She’s empowering, speaks her mind (even with adults) and is kind of a pyromaniac. With all those things and an endless supply of witty comebacks, Wednesday is a breath of fresh air to a generation of girls who felt like outcasts that didn’t fit the mold of a perfect girly-girl.
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad girls, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. Who doesn’t love gals with switchblades hidden in their beehives, girls with killer smirks who drink the tears of their enemies, and ladies that enact revenge without smearing their lipstick? And why do we love them? Is it the clothes, the hair, the make-up? Or is it more about attitude, manipulation, and that pesky sexual ambiguity? For slightly shy girls like me, bad girls let us live out our wildest fantasies. All those things we wish we could have done to that one girl in high school who made our lives a living hell. For these reasons, this column, “Rhymes with Witches” will dissect our love for the fictional mean girls that make it hurt so good. Every week, come take a walk with me on the wild side (switchblade not included) to explore the evil women we love on TV and in film and why we love them. Heroes and damsels in distress be damned.
Rhymes with Witches Double Feature: Marla Sokoloff as Cokie Mason and Lisa
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad girls, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. Who doesn’t love gals with switchblades hidden in their beehives, girls with killer smirks who drink the tears of their enemies, and ladies that enact revenge without smearing their lipstick? And why do we love them? Is it the clothes, the hair, the make-up? Or is it more about attitude, manipulation, and that pesky sexual ambiguity? For slightly shy girls like me, bad girls let us live out our wildest fantasies. All those things we wish we could have done to that one girl in high school who made our lives a living hell. For these reasons, this column, “Rhymes with Witches” will be a weekly piece dissecting our love for the fictional mean girls that make it hurt so good. Every week, come take a walk with me on the wild side (switchblade not included) to explore the evil women we love on TV and in film and why we love them. Heroes and damsels in distress be damned.
Here in RWW headquarters, also known as my little house in rural Georgia with the two best roommates EVER, we do a lot of research (aka movie marathons) to help me figure out which pop culture Mean Girl to write about and for this week we noticed a strange phenomenon. I noticed that quite a few of my favorite mean girls were actually played by the same actress. Like how Mandy Moore played both Hilary Faye in Saved! and Lana Thomas in The Princess Diaries and Bette Davis in, like, every other role she ever played. The list goes on but for my first ever Double Feature edition I wanted to focus on my favorite repeat offender, Marla Sokoloff.
If that name sounds familiar it’s because Marla Sokoloff was kind of a big deal in the ’90s and early 2000s. She gained recognition with her major guest starring roles in Full House and Party of Five and moved on to star in several teen flicks (even one with Ashton Kutcher and that other guy from American Pie). And I’m glad to see she’s made a return to TV with a role in The Fosters. But today we are here to discuss her iconic mean girl roles as Margarite ‘Cokie’ Mason in The Babysitter’s Club and Lisa Janusch in Sugar & Spice.
At first glance eighth-grade terror Cokie, with her floral leggings and jelly shoes, appears to share very little with teen cynic Lisa and her perfect green eye shadow and matching wardrobe. While Cokie (is this nickname supposed to be endearing?) spends her summer terrorizing the BSC with pranks and boyfriend stealing with her two other minions with matching knee socks and scrunchied side ponytails, Lisa is a stickler for the rules and is seen mostly as a lone wolf. But the two share more than the talented actress portraying them.
First there’s that Sokoloff Smirk that puts Liz Lemon’s eye roll to shame. But what made them stand out to me and what made me sympathize with them so much more than their squeaky clean counterparts is their longing to be a part of a group. For Lisa it’s the varsity cheerleading squad (and consequent tight knit friend group) and for Cokie it’s the ’90s cutesy cult we know as the Babysitter’s Club. Most movies (and the rest of the media) trash on teen girl cliques as stereotypically just for the popular group full of rich kids and jocks. But cliques run the gamut of the middle school/high school social hierarchy with as defining features as race and class to more frivolous similarities such as extracurricular. In the piece “Clique Membership and Social Adjustment in Children’s Same-Gender Cliques,” Kyongboon Kwon and A. Michele Lease identify five types of cliques based on clique members’ aggregated scores on seven behavioral characteristics (i.e., prosocial, bully, reactive aggression, athletic, withdrawn, bright, fun): average, withdrawn, tough, incompetent/aggressive, and competent cliques.
What are these cheerleaders and babysitters if not a clique? Yet they are portrayed as the heroines in the story, and the outcasts are the villains. We can probably guess that both the BSC and varsity cheerleaders are a competent or average clique, but they are still a group that relies heavily on this cultlike mentality of “us against them” and exclusivity. In the same study a cluster analysis identified that on average, children in average, tough, and competent cliques were higher in their social status than children in withdrawn and incompetent/aggressive cliques. In other words, being a part of a formidable group still has some cache and definitely influences your popularity in school. While Sokoloff’s characters might wear silly outfits, they are not dumb and they understand what they need to do to gain power in the battlefield that is adolescence.
Unlike the mean girls in other movies who serve as the core of their clique, Lisa and Cokie are on the outskirts looking in. I related to Sokoloff’s characters because they were just like me, dying to be a part of a group that would never accept her for whatever reason. Well, I guess trying to steal Mary Anne’s boyfriend is a reason, but that’s what you get for wearing a sweater vest and loafers. And that’s the other thing! They don’t care who they have to hurt or step over to get what they want. They will do anything they need to do to survive and they don’t care who knows it.
And how they retaliated towards their exclusion was pretty much what I fantasized of doing in high school, which was blackmailing my way into the desired clique (Lisa) or destroying it all together (Cokie). Though I wish Cokie’s character was more fleshed out in the movie, both her and Lisa have some serious one-liners and a sarcastic wit that I totally copied and still embody to this day (though I still wish I could rock those jelly shoes).
Rhymes With Witches: The Virgin/Whore Dichotomy in “Saved!”
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad girls, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. Who doesn’t love gals with switchblades hidden in their beehives, girls with killer smirks who drink the tears of their enemies, and ladies that enact revenge without smearing their lipstick? And why do we love them? Is it the clothes, the hair, the make-up? Or is it more about attitude, manipulation, and that pesky sexual ambiguity? For slightly shy girls like me, bad girls let us live out our wildest fantasies. All those things we wish we could have done to that one girl in high school who made our lives a living hell. For these reasons, this column, “Rhymes with Witches” will dissect our love for the fictional mean girls that make it hurt so good. Every week, come take a walk with me on the wild side (switchblade not included) to explore the evil women we love on TV and in film and why we love them. Heroes and damsels in distress be damned.
For those of you who don’t know what the virgin/whore dichotomy is, Vladimir Tumanov defines it as the tendency to categorize women in terms of two polar opposites in his article titled “Mary Versus Eve: Paternal Uncertainty and the Christian View of Women.” It’s the timeless stereotypes of women as either submissive “virgins” that fit the patriarchal confines of femininity or rebellious and sexually active “whores” who are often patronized characters that usually meet an untimely end (if you read Victorian novels you know exactly what I mean). It’s pretty much all the regular misogynist bullshit women have had to deal with since the rise of patriarchal religion. Leah M. Wyman and George Dionisopoulos describe this change best in their article, “Transcending The Virgin/Whore Dichotomy.”
“The creation of these harmful tropes is attributed to the change from the worship of female goddesses to religions based on a singular male god figurehead. Since the ancient goddesses displayed qualities that would be viewed as contradictory from a contemporary perspective, a singular goddess was often split into two separate entities; one representing the acceptable upper-world and the other representing the repulsive underworld. Thus, the female image became similarly dichotomous, consisting of a virginal, conscious, upper-world image and a harlot, unconscious, underworld image.”
No more were women viewed as full humans beings, with complex personalities and traits as contradictory as the goddesses we used to worship. We were now only regarded by in relation to our male counterparts, which pretty much comes down to viewing us as sexual objects instead of equals. This dichotomy has been analyzed in numerous papers and books, but none do it with as much flair and fun as the teen cult classic, Saved!.
Hands down one of my favorite movies of all time, the evangelical teen flick follows Mary (played by Hunger Games: Catching Fire break out star, Jena Malone), 1/3 of the most popular group in her Christian high school, who has sex with her boyfriend when she finds out he’s gay. Through a series of trials to turn him straight, she accidentally gets pregnant and we see her go through an existential crisis, drop in the social hierarchy, losing friends and making some kick ass new ones, as well as some pretty cute shopping montages.
Obvious early 2000’s hairstyle
And while I love Jena Malone and I can’t believe it has taken Hollywood this long to pay attention to her, the stand out stars that make this movie are the residential mean girls, Hilary Faye and Cassandra. At completely opposite ends of the high school hierarchy system, Hilary Faye is the reigning Virgin Queen Bee while Cassandra plays the Whore with the Heart Of Gold. What’s fascinating about these two characters is not just how different they start off in the beginning of the movie, but how they blur the lines between these two tropes and end up somewhere in the middle. They grow from not just the high school caricatures we assume to survive, but end up whole and complex people.
Lets start with Hilary Faye, played by Mandy Moore who won my Mean Girl blackheart when she played Lana in The Princess Diaries alongside Anne Hathaway. Here we have a stereotypical popular girl with the perfect smile and blonde hair, who flaunts her religious perfection and uses it against her fellow classmates and friends. Religion is both her shield and her weapon. She embodies the “virgin” part of the dichotomy, as the female character who gains her power through her religious fervor, chastity and completely submissiveness to her faith. Maybe submissiveness is not the right word since Hilary Faye is anything but submissive. She is strong willed and determined even if a bit misguided in the beginning. But this misguided nature comes from the very “virgin” pedestal that she is placed on by her classmates, her principal, but mainly herself. Hilary Faye is the first to banish Mary into social outcast oblivion the moment she starts to derail from Hilary’s linear concept of what it means to be a good girl. Make that, a good Christian girl.
On the other side of the spectrum is Cassandra played by Eva Amurri Martino, who wears killer eye shadow I still try to duplicate to this day. Like Hilary Faye, she is confidant and feels comfort in her social position of sex-crazed, cigarette tokin’ Jewish girl in a conservative Christian school. Her self worth doesn’t come from other people’s high regards for her but for their disdain towards her. On the first day of school she solidifies her place as a total badass when she starts speaking tongues during a school assembly, but was really just her saying PUSSY over and over again (#rolemodel status). As the “whore” part of this dichotomy, she is viewed by her classmates as not a fellow student but as something to fix, to Save. Since she realizes she will never fit in, she decides to completely stand out which, like Mary realizes, can be a lonely place to be.
Throughout the movie we see these two girls restricted by these stereotypes, slowly break free of them. We learn Hilary is not as perfect as she would like to appear and Cassandra is the caring person that friends Mary at her lowest. They both learn in their own way, that there is no one right or wrong way to be a girl — we are strange, complicated, that can’t be categorized into just one thing. We mess up, we’re misguided, we get jealous, but we’re human.
Rhymes with Witches: The Only Straight Santana Lopez Is Is Straight Up Bitch
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad girls, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. Who doesn’t love gals with switchblades hidden in their beehives, girls with killer smirks who drink the tears of their enemies, and ladies that enact revenge without smearing their lipstick? And why do we love them? Is it the clothes, the hair, the make-up? Or is it more about attitude, manipulation, and that pesky sexual ambiguity? For slightly shy girls like me, bad girls let us live out our wildest fantasies. All those things we wish we could have done to that one girl in high school who made our lives a living hell. For these reasons, this column, “Rhymes with Witches” will be a weekly piece dissecting our love for the fictional mean girls that make it hurt so good. Every week, come take a walk with me on the wild side (switchblade not included) to explore the evil women we love on TV and in film and why we love them. Heroes and damsels in distress be damned.
The first time I set my eyes on that infamous “all about the tease” cheerleader skirt and Slinky style ponytail, I had a mouth full of cotton swabs and a face like that of a hamster with a carrot stuck between it’s cheeks. I had just gotten my wisdom teeth ripped out of my mouth and, from what my mom tells me, I was wheeled to the car because I was delusional and wouldn’t stop crying before completely blacking out as soon as we arrived home. Not remembering any of the above, I woke up a couple hours later in my bedroom, a half a Chic-fil-a milkshake on the dresser, a chubby bunny mouth and hours to waste in quarantine.
“Have you ever watched Glee?” my best friend Taylor texted me. It was 2010, at the height of Glee mania, which to that point I had successfully avoided, but the pain medication was really kicking in and I was in a very loopy state making even loopier judgments. I spent the next couple of days in a medicated whirlwind of musical numbers, corny intro music and codeine. While the rest of the show made me want to throw up my already liquidated spaghetti Os, something about Santana Lopez, played by Naya Rivera, kept me watching even after I went back to solid foods. I should have learned that this would not be the last time I would suffer through an entire show to watch an attractive chick (I’m looking at you Girl/Girl Scene).
Though most of my relationship with Santana is based on the short clips on Youtube and, of course, the Autostraddle recaps I can’t help but be completely enthralled by her razor sharp wit and badass attitude. She embodies all of my favorite Mean Girl characteristics (shameless, authoritative, lesbian), but I think the major reason I like her so much is because she dislikes Glee as much as I do. I too can’t stand the vomitously perky Rachel Berry, creepy Mr. Fitz and pretty much any lughead that’s in the football team. I don’t know how these writers created such a subversive character, cause every time Santana throws some shade I think of it as a slushy to Ryan Murphy’s face. Fucking troll.
I’ve heard some people say they don’t like her because they are sick of watching queer characters and people of color being villainized (which is a totally valid point), but in the case of the girl from Lima Heights Adjacent, I don’t think that at all. If anything I see Santana as the heroine of the series. While everyone else is worried about going to musical theater college, Santana triumphs through adversity that often queer people of color face in their communities that I can relate to. I have often felt because I am a queer person of color that I have to set some perfect politically correct example, and Santana refuses to live by those rules. She is unapologetic about who she is and where she comes from. Plus, us Queer Latina cheerleaders need to stick together. I had the strange high school experience of being bullied by the drama “geeks” while the cheerleaders welcomed me with open arms, so you can bet I am team Cheerios all the way.
Of course, another reason to love Santana is the girlfriendship between her and Brittany (played by real life BFF Heather Morris) that created the monster now known as Brittana. Sure she’s probably hiding a couple of razor blades in her hair, but Santana has a soft side when it comes to Brittany that is just adorable. In her mind, it’s Santana and Brittany against the world. Don’t lie to me! I know y’all cried when they sang that Stevie Nicks duet, so don’t even play. Whatever this past season might have wrought, I still picture them running away together and having each other’s finger babies.
While I know she’s become a more “warm hearted” character in these later seasons, I hope she never loses her edge. Personally I think she needs to dump these Glee losers and have her own spin off show, Mary Tyler Moore style.
I’ll leave you now with a few words of wisdom:
Well said, Santana, well said.
Rhymes with Witches: Forget Backstabbing, Gilmore Girls’ Paris Geller Fights With Wit And Brains
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad girls, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. Who doesn’t love gals with switchblades hidden in their beehives, girls with killer smirks who drink the tears of their enemies, and ladies that enact revenge without smearing their lipstick? And why do we love them? Is it the clothes, the hair, the make-up? Or is it more about attitude, manipulation, and that pesky sexual ambiguity? For slightly shy girls like me, bad girls let us live out our wildest fantasies. All those things we wish we could have done to that one girl in high school who made our lives a living hell. For these reasons, this column, “Rhymes with Witches” will be a weekly piece dissecting our love for the fictional mean girls that make it hurt so good. Every week, come take a walk with me on the wild side (switchblade not included) to explore the evil women we love on TV and in film and why we love them. Heroes and damsels in distress be damned.
Poor Rory Gilmore. It must be hard to own the face of an Audrey Hepburn porcelain doll, have a mom that is the human personification of Sassy magazine, and have a cushy trust fund that extends from the Revolutionary War to pay for the Ivy League college of her choice. Thank the goddess she had the pleasure to have Paris Geller in her life, to make things interesting and create the ultimate frenemy love story than in Amy Sherman Palladino’s magnum opus, Gilmore Girls.
From the moment they met, Paris and Rory had this powerful underlying tension, be it sexual or otherwise (Rory/Paris erotic fanfiction, any one?). Sure, female rivals have been in mythology and folklore since antiquity, probably even older, but these relationships served (and sadly, still do) as evidence of misogynistic views of women as vain and “catty” creatures, too emotional and envious of each other (and don’t even get me started on “penis envy”) to serve as rulers, citizens or even autonomous entities.
While this archetype has changed little since the times of Athena cursing Medusa to Gorgon status for daring to state she was more beautiful than the goddess, Paris and Rory’s frenemy relationship grew, not from jealousy of each other’s looks or over a guy (even if in the first season Paris might have thought so) but for academic superiority. They feared each other because they shared the same fierce determination and resilience to excel in the intellectual field, instead of an aesthetic one. As the seasons progressed, it became clear how much they actually needed each other to grow and become the strong women they were suppose to be. Rory needed to grow a backbone and Paris needed to view the world as something other than a big test you either fail or ace. It’s complicated and complex, just like their relationship.
What I like about Paris’ “meanness” is that it’s not your usual run of the mill mean girl behavior. Sarah M. Coyne terms stereotypical female behavior as “relational aggression” in the article “Frenemies, Fraitors, and Mean-em-aitors” and examples include “manipulating others’ social standing and reputation through communication behaviors such as spreading rumors, social exclusion, and threats of withdrawal of acceptance and love”. This behavior between girls is theorized to come from an evolutionary practice of women gaining power (which in most other scientific papers usually means a mate) through their appearance. But Paris sees her power stemming from intelligence and academic achievements. Paris moves away from any kind of evolutionary mumbo jumbo and fights with wit and brains instead of gossip and backstabbing.
Teenage girlhood is a kind of torture I would only wish on my worst enemies. Sure Rory had her troubles (choosing between guys, choosing which Ivy League to attend) but Paris truly felt the grunt of a geek solely focused academics and so completely clueless about boyfriends, dances, fashion, aka “girly” stuff. The same stuff I was clueless about too. No matter how many books she read or how many speeches she researched, nothing could prepare her for being a teenage girl. Through her entire run in Gilmore Girls, she’s seen as insecure and strong, smart and lost.
Though her name is not Gilmore, Paris Geller is the true break out character in this gem of a series, as one of the most heart wrenching and complex portraits of a teenage mean girl.
Rhymes with Witches: Dazed and Confused’s Darla Marks Is No Ordinary Queen Bee
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad girls, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. Who doesn’t love gals with switchblades hidden in their beehives, girls with killer smirks who drink the tears of their enemies, and ladies that enact revenge without smearing their lipstick? And why do we love them? Is it the clothes, the hair, the make-up? Or is it more about attitude, manipulation, and that pesky sexual ambiguity? For slightly shy girls like me, bad girls let us live out our wildest fantasies. All those things we wish we could have done to that one girl in high school who made our lives a living hell. For these reasons, this column, “Rhymes with Witches” will be a weekly piece dissecting our love for the fictional mean girls that make it hurt so good. Every week, come take a walk with me on the wild side (switchblade not included) to explore the evil women we love on TV and in film and why we love them. Heroes and damsels in distress be damned.
In the adolescent battlefield known as high school, friendship bracelets mark allegiances and social hierarchies are just as ruthless as any medieval monarchy. In the book Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence, author Rosalind Wiseman even goes as far as to compare female teenagers to a platoon of soldiers who have banded together to survive adolescence.
They even develop an entire chain of command complete with a Queen Bee and elaborate rituals such as the famous hazing scene in the 1993 cult classic Dazed and Confused, which introduces us to none other than Darla Marks (played by Parker Posey) and the subject of this week’s column.
While the rest of the senior class takes part in the hazing ritual, no one takes quite as much pleasure in it than Darla. With the word SENIORS emblazoned on their white sweatshirts, Darla’s crew rallies up the incoming class of freshman girls for the annual hazing which includes lying down on the pavement pretending to be bacon (fry pigs, fry!), getting covered in condiments then being driven through a car wash (to get them clean obvs!). Geared with fruity roll-on lip gloss and knee high socks, Darla works at the helm of the barbaric ritual with such ferocity it’s hard to believe she’s just a teenage girl.
Perfectly captures how I feel when I get an order of fries.
She embodies the role of mean girl with such glee, as if she is finally taking her rightful place in the high school social hierarchy. You can tell she’s been dreaming of this moment since she was a freshman, though it’s hard to imagine anyone spewing mustard on Darla without getting a black eye afterwards. While other characters in the movie feel tied down by their assigned stereotypes and social standings, Darla appears freed by hers. There’s jock Randall ‘Pink’ Floyd who feel constrained by his football star image and nerdy Mike Newhouse who starts a fight because he doesn’t want to be perceived as weak, and these are just a few examples. Darla, on the other hand, is completely comfortable with herself and takes her role as “Torture Queen” seriously and threatens those who disrespect her position.
Psychologist Carol Gilligan describes in her book, Meeting at the Crossroads: Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development, a phase called “The Tyranny of Nice and Kind” when girls, as they strive to become women, vow to and become more interested in pleasing their friends, parents and teachers than in discovering their own thoughts, feelings and abilities. Once we start worrying about others and how they perceive us we become vulnerable to things like low self-esteem and peer pressure. What I find so interesting about Darla (other than being a bad ass) is how she is completely void of this phase. For example, there’s a scene when she finds out one of her friends called her and Simone (another girlfriend) bitches. Yet, while Simone becomes visibly irritated and reacts spitefully back, Darla is completely unfazed by it and even seems to wear this title as a badge of honor. She has no interest in pleasing anybody, not even her friends, and I can’t help but respect and admire her for that.
Darla knows who she is, what she wants, and especially what she hates and she isn’t going to change for anyone. In between torturing younger classmates and dating older guys, Darla has little time to feel insecure. I wish I could say that about my own high school experience.
Rhymes With Witches: Making Frenemies With Pretty Persuasion’s Kimberly Joyce
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad girls, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. Who doesn’t love gals with switchblades hidden in their beehives, girls with killer smirks who drink the tears of their enemies, and ladies that enact revenge without smearing their lipstick? And why do we love them? Is it the clothes, the hair, the make-up? Or is it more about attitude, manipulation, and that pesky sexual ambiguity? For slightly shy girls like me, bad girls let us live out our wildest fantasies. All those things we wish we could have done to that one girl in high school who made our lives a living hell. For these reasons, this column, “Rhymes with Witches” will be a weekly piece dissecting our love for the fictional mean girls that make it hurt so good. Every week, come take a walk with me on the wild side (switchblade not included) to explore the evil women we love on TV and in film and why we love them. Heroes and damsels in distress be damned.
Alice Walker once said, “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” Kimberly Joyce is not one of these people.
Forget majoring in Women’s Studies, anyone who has been a teenage girl can attest to an almost inevitable change that goes hand in hand with puberty. Self esteem drops and achievements are classified through aesthetics instead of intelligence or character. Kimberly Joyce, the anti-heroine from the 2005 film Pretty Persuasion and played by Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual, is one of those marvels that sneaks through the cracks. The film follows Kimberly and her two close friends down a politically incorrect rabbit hole that is falsely accusing their English teacher for sexual harassment as revenge. But as the the story unravels we realize Kimberly’s plan spans much farther than just a high school scandal.
#rolemodelstatus
Somehow while other teen girls lower their expectations of themselves, Kimberly comes off as extremely focused and determined, which I think is the reason she’s such an interesting character. All of that potential energy that is lost or directed towards hating our bodies and being self-conscious when we were teens is totally realized in Kimberly and all of that power is both amazing and frightening. You can’t help but stare in awe.
Don’t fall for it Helena!
In her 1992 book, Meeting at the Crossroads: Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development, psychologist Carol Gilligan suggests that young girls are anthropologists, seeking to understand and then adapt to the rules of the culture within which they find themselves, which for this example is a culture that values female passivity rather than accomplishments. But while other girls learn to understand how to follow the system, Kimberly learns to understand how to beat it. She knows her worth and the type of power she holds over people, including her fellow classmates and the various adults around her, and uses her powers of perception to manipulate them. It doesn’t take an evil genius like Kimberly to know that people underestimate teenage girls, but she uses her pure image to stay under the radar leaving a quiet trail of destruction behind her. I’m sorry, but I can’t help but love her for that. Teenage girls are so often portrayed as idiots with little going through their minds except for shopping, boys, shopping and boys. And while Kimberly is not completely exempt from that (I mean, this did all start out because of a boy), she portrays a powerful, cunning and ambitious figure that I can’t help but admire.
But perhaps the scariest thing we learn from Kimberly Joyce is that the person you should fear most is your best friend. And that makes complete sense. In Rachel Simmons’ 2002 book, Odd Girl Out, she states that precisely because girls form such intimate friendships, they have special access to the emotional areas where their friends are the most vulnerable. It makes perfect sense doesn’t it? Your best friend knows your strengths, weaknesses, your pet peeves, and even your deepest, darkest secrets. It’s crazy to think that someone you hold so dear could just as easily destroy you and, in turn, you them.
In the case of Kimberly, the target of her vengeance lies on her best friend Brittany (played by Elizabeth Harnois) who we learn is actually dating Kimberly’s ex-boyfriend. While I don’t want to give anything away, it’s clear from the minute we meet Brittany the kind of ammunition Kimberly has on her in a scene when she nonchalantly states how much Brittany likes to masturbate while giving a tour to a new student. It’s this kind of psychological bullying that is so often trivialized, but so very useful when planning a coup on your best friend.
At the end of the day, the world is an orchestra and Kimberly Joyce is the conductor. The best we can hope for is to just play along and not get in her way.