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I’m suddenly having crushy, OMG I WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES, feelings for a friend and I don’t know what to do. I think she’s attracted to me too, but I’m not 100% sure. She has a boyfriend, she’s bi, they’re in an open relationship. I guess I don’t know how I feel about non-monogamy. I do know I’m jealous of her boyfriend, but I shouldn’t be. I’m worried if I do or say anything about this it will ruin our friendship. I think that’s the main concern? Ugh, help.
I was just barely able to drag myself away from refreshing my crush’s Facebook page long enough to read your letter, so I know the feeling. Crushes can drive you up the wall, in both good and bad ways, and not only are you dealing with that, you also have to confront the idea that maybe-kinda-sorta you’re interested in getting involved in an open relationship, without really knowing much about them.
The good news first: you have the advantage of already knowing that your friend is in an open relationship. There aren’t many things more frustrating than a huge crush on a friend in a monogamous relationship. Because your friend is in an open relationship, you have the opportunity to talk to her about your feelings, and even if she doesn’t reciprocate it’s less likely to make your relationship weird moving forward. But although her relationship structure makes that part more simple, it brings up a few other difficulties.
Open relationships are complex, but they sound a lot scarier than they are (or at least, than they have to be). It’s not clear to me what kind of open relationship your friend is in, and it’s probably not very clear to you either, unless you have asked her a bunch of questions already. You’ll want to ask your friend more about non-monogamy and how it works in her relationship specifically. Are they polyamorous? Are they open? Are they just open to her dating other women? Can they have sex with other people, but not date? Can they date other people, but not have sex? Maybe they just make out with strangers at parties sometimes? Are they only dating together? How do they define “polyamorous,” “open,” “dating”?
Non-monogamous relationships fall along a wide spectrum. “Monogamish” generally refers to a mostly monogamous couple that has fun with another person (or people!) on occasion. “Swinging” is similar but has more of a community around it. “Open” relationships are generally non-monogamous but in a strictly sexual or friends-with-benefits way. “Polyamory” focuses on romantic or otherwise emotional intimacy while generally (but not always) including sexual relationships. “Relationship anarchy” focuses on the idea that relationships can become whatever is best for the people involved, and can include whatever elements the relationship wants to focus on. Every definition varies — no matter what label your friend uses, ask her to explain what it means.
Ethical non-monogamy is hard work. I personally find it extremely rewarding, but it’s not for everyone. It’s not better or worse than monogamy, but it can be better or worse for individual people. Non-monogamy can bring out the worst of your insecurities, fears, jealousy, and dysfunctions, and you have to be ready to face them and work on them. It’s worth working through those in any type of relationship, but it’s more essential in open relationships.
Usually, the best thing to do when you’re not sure about a relationship with another person is to talk to that person (or those people). But in this case, what you need to do first is figure out what you actually want.
Before you tell your crush that she’s your crush, you need to figure out how you feel about non-monogamy. You’ll want to be extra careful that you’re not secretly hoping that you’ll steal her from her boyfriend. You’ll have to think about your relationship with her in the context of her having other romantic relationships, both with her boyfriend now and maybe with others later, and how that will affect your emotions and time together. If you think you would be comfortable in a non-monogamous relationship, then you need to figure out what kind of relationship you would want. (Books like More Than Two, The Ethical Slut, and Opening Up can help you think through this more.) Would you want to be friends with benefits or girlfriends or somewhere in between?
One last thing to think through before you talk to your friend is your jealousy. Your emotions are perfectly valid, and people in polyamorous and open relationships feel jealousy all the time. But instead of giving in to the gut reaction of jealousy, you need to figure out what actually caused it. Do you want to be in his place? Do you feel like he’s competition for her affection? Are you worried that a relationship with a man is more serious to her than a relationship with a woman? Ae you worried that he’ll take priority because they’ve been together longer? There’s many reasons for the jealousy, and you’ll want to look deep and figure out what exactly you’ll have to face in order to have a happy relationship.
Only after you figure these things out can you start to explore whether your friend has feelings too, and what to do about it. She’ll appreciate that you’ve thought through things first, and it’ll make it easier to start the discussion. Find some time to hang out with her one-on-one, and tell her that you’ve been feeling butterflies, and you hope that she feels the same. I’m crossing my fingers for you!
Hello, this article is for other bisexual women who are interested in dating a couple! You may be brand new to the idea of a relationship with multiple people, or you may have been polyamorous for years now. Maybe one particular couple has approached you, or you might have your eye on a couple yourself. Or maybe you just like the idea of a triad in the first place. Congratulations, in any case! Triads can be happy, healthy, caring relationships. However, there are a lot of pitfalls to watch out for on your way to making a happy, healthy triad.
First off, let’s start with the terms “Unicorn” and “Unicorn Hunting.” This is an interesting set of terms, because Unicorn Hunting is often a phrase used in a negative way, while many bi women happily self-identify as Unicorns. The problem with the latter, I personally believe, is that it is often used by women who are new to the polyamory community, and it makes them more visible to Unicorn Hunters who may prey on a lack of knowledge. This is basically like in the BDSM community, where anyone that says they think that 50 Shades of Grey portrays a healthy BDSM relationship, you know they are brand new to BDSM, or may be a dangerous predatory Dom that abuses people. Talking about 50 Shades is an entirely different post, so moving on…
Not all couples that want to date a bi woman are Unicorn Hunters. There is nothing wrong with just being a couple that doesn’t want to date separately, and wants to date only a bi woman. This severely limits their options, and it may be very hard to find that relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad. The term “Unicorn Hunters” is reserved for people that display the negative characteristics, habits, or rules that should be immediately seen as red flags. It’s also rare for these people to be malicious. Often, it’s simply a couple that is new to polyamory, and choose some very common – and unfortunate – rules and assumptions to start with.
Here are some things to look out for when you are starting a relationship with an established couple. Again, many times these are not malicious, and if you start a discussion with a couple that displays one or two of these, it can be fixed before it becomes a problem. However, if these are not addressed, they are extremely likely to cause a problem, sooner rather than later.
That seems like a simple phrase, and one that I see countless times in a day. It also seems very innocuous, but it could very well indicate an unhealthy point of view.
The problem with this phrase is that it assumes that a woman would be grafted on to the existing relationship. What actually happens when a healthy triad is formed is that a brand new relationship is created between three people. The third person is not just added as an afterthought, but rather each person in the relationship evaluates where they are and where they want to be in the relationship. Everyone has to have an equal say in how the relationship is formed, even if it is agreed that each relationship is “equal.” This could mean that the bi woman wants to remain in a “secondary” role and doesn’t want a level of commitment that the original (or “primary”) couple has. Alternately, the relationship could be completely renegotiated; for example, the two women may become “primaries” and the man the “secondary,” or all three decide to be each others’ “primaries.”
What to watch out for: Make sure that the couple is aware that you are not an addition or accessory to their relationship. You have thoughts, feelings, preferences, and boundaries of your own, and these must all be respected. You are not simply stumbling into a relationship where you must fit in a box they already created as an “addition” to their relationship.
Instead, look for an attitude that displays “We would like to have a relationship with another woman,” instead of “We want to add a woman.” The difference may simply be that they are unaware how they are phrasing it, but it’s something that should be clear before you start the relationship.
I deliberately used quotes around the terms “primary” and “secondary” in the previous section, because I feel as though that terminology is restrictive and confusing. While relationships where commitment, time, and emotions are not equally spent between any of the three people can work and be very rewarding, it should not be enforced without any say. There is nothing wrong with wanting that sort of relationship, and also nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with three “primaries,” but again, these are not things to be imposed on one person.
Related to this is the idea that if a couple opens their relationship, they can protect that relationship and keep everything the way it was. The fact of the matter is, opening a relationship will permanently change it. In many ways, this change is good, and can help strengthen the relationship. However, putting any rules in place to protect it in its original form will end up crippling both the original relationship, and any new ones that are made.
What to watch out for: When the existing couple makes it clear that they are the primaries, and the new partner can only ever hope to be a secondary, the power balance is off from the very beginning. This means the new partner doesn’t have an equal say in how her relationship evolves, and the other two partners make decisions for her. It is not healthy for one person’s relationships unilaterally decided by another person. Even if you want a casual relationship that doesn’t reach the same emotional level as that of the other two partners, you should be able to say that, instead of having it decided for you.
This is unfortunately a very common attitude, and one that should be avoided at all costs. This attitude means that the couple is very set on both of them having a say in how the relationship evolves, and you are only along for the ride. There is the very slight chance that you may agree with and want to follow all the rules they bring up, but even if that unlikely event is the case, you should still have a say in what you are agreeing to, and have the option to speak up if you decide that it isn’t working for you.
If a couple is adamant that their rules be followed or else, then you should go for the “or else.” Don’t waste your time getting attached in a situation where the rules could change on you at any moment, and you would have to agree or risk losing someone (or two someones) you have invested time and affection with.
What to watch out for: When you start dating a couple, make sure that there are no rules imposed on you without you having any say in the matter. All rules should be open to discussion, even if you agree with them. The point is not that you shouldn’t make any agreements, but rather that none should be imposed on you without your input. Negotiation and communication are absolutely essential in polyamory, and you should have a voice in your relationship.
Love isn’t something that can be forced. You can’t make yourself love someone, and you can’t force yourself not to love someone. It is simply impossible to will emotions in and out of existence. Not only that, but no two people are identical, and it is impossible to have identical relationships with two different people. Because of this, any rule that demands that you love (or refrain from loving) two people equally is absolutely absurd.
Many Unicorn Hunters start out with this rule in the hopes that it will curb jealousy, but in the long run it only helps the jealousy grow. If you’re keeping a tally of who gets what, it will build resentment. Not only that, but as the third person in the relationship, it can be utterly exhausting. If you love one person more than the other, it means that you would have to either hide that growing affection, or fake feeling that affection for both people.
What to watch out for: Any indication that affection must be displayed or felt equally is a warning sign. Sometimes this is simply jealousy or insecurity, and if the person is willing to work through it, it doesn’t signal the end of the world. However, if rules are in place to keep things “equal” or if either partner demands an action, feeling, or statement in response to feeling like they are more or less loved than the other person, that is a red flag.
Instead, make sure that each relationship with each individual person is free to grow at its own pace.
This is a red flag that I will be adding a lot of maybe and might to. This is because there are some situations and relationships where this arrangement is explicitly negotiated and agreed to by everyone. That would fall under point #3 – if you want the relationship to go this way, that is fine. But generally, this rule can show up as a red flag, and that’s what I am referring to here. If you agree to and enjoy this situation, this point may not apply to you. That part out of the way, here is why it can be a red flag.
This is an extremely common rule to impose, in the hopes that it will hide jealousy in the original couple. Hiding and working around jealousy rarely works, and it brings us right back to point #4. However, there are some specifics in this rule that are worth pointing out besides that.
I’m going to be honest here: Threesomes can be a lot of fun. But they can also get boring after a while! Talk to anyone who has had regular threesomes, and almost all of them will say that the novelty eventually wears off, and you just want time to be intimate with one person. It’s also extremely exhausting to have to take care of two people’s sexual needs all the time, every time. It’s like chocolate: Great to have on occasion, but a horrible idea for every meal.
With that in mind, this rule is extremely problematic in the context of a polyfidelitous triad (meaning a relationship with three people that cannot date anyone outside of the group). It means two people in the relationship get the best of both worlds, threesomes as well as twosomes, while the third person is restricted to only having threesomes. Even if they are not polyfidelitous and the third person does date other people one-on-one, they are still missing out on the connection that can be made having one-on-one contact with each person in the triad. This counts for sex as well as alone time – some couples demand not only having sex as a threesome, but also all dates and time spent must be with the original couple there together for all of it.
What to watch out for: Basically what’s in the title. Unless that is explicitly the type of relationship you want, don’t agree to only having sex (or dates) with both of them at once.
Are there ANY benefits to being in a triad?!
This may all sound like a lot to watch out for, but there are truly happy, successful, and loving triads out there. These can and do range from casual relationships where the third will visit the couple on occasion, to live-in polyfidelitous relationships where the three raise children, to anywhere in between. Triads can be exceptionally rewarding if you find three people that click well physically, emotionally, and overall. As long as you watch out for the very common pitfalls, you are much more likely to become part of one of those happy triad success stories.
Originally published on polyfor.us. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.