Are You Pumped? Our 14th Birthday A+ Ask-Us-Anything IS NOW

Autostraddle’s turning 14 this week. That’s a lot of years on the internet for an indie queer publication for women and trans people. We’re celebrating this queer space that was built by us, for us, and no one’s gotten rid of us yet!

Today, we’re thanking the readers who’ve kept us here, for everyone who needs us, with an Ask-Us-Anything for our A+ members (pssst that’s YOU)!

Have you ever wondered:

  • How DID Autostraddle get its name?
  • Are any of us single?
  • Who’s a top and who’s a bottom around here?
  • Who’s on board for starting a queer commune in the woods?
  • What’s our go-to for potlucks?
  • Which of us actually believe in astrology?

Get in here, ask away, and let’s celebrate still being here, still being queer, after all these years!

When is the AMA?

TODAY March 7th, 2023 from 8am – 10pm EST / 5am – 7pm PST

But why is the AMA? Because as A+ members, you are the core reason this queer ship is still sailing. A+ members literally fund, just with A+ memberships, half of what we do — and between fundraisers, merch and affiliates, Autostraddle is majority reader-funded. Your support allows us to publish the kinds of articles that matter to our community, vapid celebrity fluff and deep personal essays, queer fashion and style and cultural criticism, and more. We can balance getting clicks with publishing pieces that won’t get as many views, but that really, really matter. AND we can pay queer and trans people to work and write for us. That’s what reader support does for us. That’s what you do for us and this community. So, let’s party in the comments, yeah?

What exactly does this celebration look like? It’s an AMA or, really it’s an Ask Us Anything with 23 whole gays to answer your questions. This is an all out, all day, send-us-your-most-heartfelt-or-most- untethered questions situation. (We might not be able to answer everything, but you can certainly ask.)

Here’s how it works:

Comment below with your questions, your advice needs, your burning desire to share, your quandaries about queer life, the universe, everything.

We, the editors and writers of Autostraddle, reply to your comment with our answers, our advice, our solutions or lack thereof. If you want a specific person to answer your question, include their name in the comment so we can “control F” and find those questions.

So who all’s gay here?

The following people will be around to answer your questions!

Riese Bernard
Carmen Phillips
Nico Hall
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya
Laneia Jones
Anya Richkind
Heather Hogan
Viv Le
Em Win
shea martin
Niko Stratis
Stef Rubino
Valerie Anne
Sa’iyda Shabazz
Drew Gregory
Shelli Nicole
Nic Sam
Vanessa Friedman
Julie Gentile
Lily Alvarado
Darcy Cooper
A.Tony Jerome
Ashni Mehta
Ro White

Let’s gooo!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
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839 Comments

    • A remote campsite in the forest in the cool but not too cold days of fall, where I am absolutely certain and guaranteed that I won’t run into a single other person. This is more of a “fantasy destination” than a real one.

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    • oooh! i want to go somewhere colder than i’ve ever been, with gorgeous nature, and some sort of hot springs situation. maybe some northern lights? I want to feel AWED by the planet again.

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    • I’ve never been to Berlin and really, really want to go. My parents don’t know much about our ancestors beyond European + Jewish, but I know on my mom’s side they were German. I guess, it feels like an ancestors trip of sorts — both actual ancestors and queer ancestors.

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    • I wouldn’t call this a dream vacation so much as a dream life but both sides of my family are from villages outside of Naples in Italy and lately, all of my travel dreams have been haunted by the thought of ditching everything here to live in Naples for a while as a cafe old man.

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    • A secluded cabin in the snowy mountains, just me and my wife and our books. Hot tub. Snowshoes. Roaring fireplace. And only connection with the outside world if it’s absolutely necessary. I’ve also traveled all over western Europe but never been to Spain, Portugal, or Iceland — so I definitely want to go there also when maybe it’s safer to travel as an immunocompromised person. I also never get tired of London. I love London. I think I could live happily in London.

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    • My dream vacation consists of adventure, romance, beauty, and a hint of danger. I’d love to excavate hidden treasure from a forbidden passageway in a Persian mosque, taste the “mad honey” in the mountains of Nepal, trespass into the lush gardens of a palace on a hot night and make scorching love.

      Also, the moon.

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    • Kinda niche, but I’ve always wanted to go on a hiking trip in Iceland! I would also love to see their glaciers and volcanoes. Like, have you seen images online?? The sights just look so beautiful from screen I can’t even imagine the experience of seeing them in person.

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    • UTRECHT & AMSTERDAM NEDERLANDS 2 WEEKS. 55 and rainy half the time, 63 and sunny with a few clouds the others. staying on the top floor of a 5 story spot right on the canal that has a ton of large windows, open living room and kitchen, and a bedroom with french doors that open onto a balcony to eat, drink, smoke and read on.

      The bedroom has a few skylight windows, there is a spot nearby to get kibbling, my love is with me, we get dinner every night, and i get bubbles and sweets every afternoon when the clock strikes 16:44 and I don’t have shit to do but enjoy my 2 weeks!

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    • My favorite place to visit is also my dream destination for vacation and that place is Iceland, particularly the southern coast. If you’re a reader from Iceland, hi! Please be my best friend so when I move there we can hang out!!!!

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  2. I have a question! Who would be your dream Autostraddle celebrity interview? Readers, who do you want to see us interview; writers, who is on your dream interview list? Doesn’t matter how unrealistic! Dream big!

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  3. Heyo Heather! I’m halfway through A Day of Fallen Night and saw on Twitter you’re reading it right now too! I’m loving it and would love to talk about it! Who is your favorite character so far?

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    • OH MY GOD. I can’t believe you’re asking me about this; I have been bursting at the seams to talk about it, but I don’t know anyone else who’s reading it. I don’t want to spoil. I just crossed over the 50% mark according to my Kindle. (These books are too hefty for my fragile wrists to hold, lol.) Chapter 51. And I’ve also read Priory three times. So I’ll try to be as vague as possible, and also — please! — tell me your favorites too, okay?

      So, right now, my favorite is Tunuva Melim. First of all, I think it’s so cool that we’re getting three daughters, but one is from the perspective of her queer mom. I relate so much to Tunuva, just that introversion, the gentleness when things are harsh, the naivety about some things and deep wisdom about others, being driven by grief and also just wanting to always do the right thing but erring on the side of compassion even when I CAN TELL it’s the wrong choice. The longterm lesbian love! I want more time with Dumai; I felt so connected to her story on the mountain and am eager to see where her whole thing is going with Nikeya (enemies to lovers hopefully!). And I know I’m going to fall in love with Glorian. I mean she’s GLORIAN SHIELDHEART! I know what’s coming for her! I can’t wait to see it unfold. She’s gonna put the stupid Virtues Council in its place!

      I’ll tell you what has impressed me so much about this book: how casually and effortlessly it has introduced trans characters. I loved learning there had been a trans Brother in the Priory, and the discussion about what a nonbinary Priory member might do. I just arrived at a court in the South with Dumai where she asked to see someone and the advisor simply said, “The alchemist goes by this name now and HE will be back in a few days.” Chill as that!

      I’m finding the descriptions of the plague and the beasts suitably terrifying, especially the one-to-one comparisons its easy to make with our government’s handling of our current pandemic. And I have two theories but I don’t want to say them for fear of messing with your own thinking.

      Okay you go! Tell me what you think!

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      • Heather yes!! I absolutely love your reaction to my comment and your entire reply! I also know no one else reading it right now which is so hard when I want to scream about it so much! So I was so excited to see your tweets and almost DMed you before I remember the AMA.

        I thought I remembered Priory until reading this one and am now planning a reread soon after I finish Day of Fallen Night. I’m doing the audiobook because I have a lot of commute time and my preorder is taking forever to arrive and I’m on chapter 53 so wow 🤝

        I absolutely love Tunuva Melim. Realizing after the prologue that she was the POV focus instead of her daughter was so good. I absolutely love her with Esbar and the ways their relationship is shown to have shaped them as people. Like Esbar being selected as Munguna because of her relationship with Tunuva. Her softness and her heart and her relationship with Siyu. The love scenes between Tunuva and Esbar give me such joy. Dumai is tied right now for my favorite! She has such a strong sense of self! I have been wanting her and Nikeya since their first scene (largely because of me assuming characters are queer until proven otherwise in a Samantha Shannon book) and I’m shipping so hard the more Nikeya challenges and flirts with Dumai. I just read the part in which Shieldheart is used for Glorian for the first time and I was shouting. I feel like her growth is about to be exponential and I’m so excited.

        Yes!! That’s been one of my favorite things too! Priory was so queer (like all 4 POV characters wow) and yet this feels even more so with that depth in world building. When I reached that line about the alchemist I had to rewind to be like is this for real and it was such a simple yet masterful way of doing it. I also love the common usage of companion and it being gender neutral. As well as the discussions about heirs and how queer couples have used adoption.

        The plague and the climate change elements have me thinking about our world a lot which has made them more alarming. And the wyrms are terrifying!

        I’m constantly amazed by Samantha Shannon’s brain and in awe of this world in the Roots of Chaos!

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    • Lemon Lime! It’s the best flavor of any electrolyte drink I’ve ever had! Have y’all ever tried Banana Bags? They’re kind of expensive, like $3 each for only 12 ounces, but I use them on my most POTSy days. They taste like pickle juice! What’s everyone else’s favorite?

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      • ok i don’t have a favorite yet but my hot take is that liquid IV needs to make a sampler pack specifically so that people can find a favorite without ending up with eleven rejected packets of something icky! it is too expensive for me to fuck around and find out!

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          • the other choice is to find seven other people who want to try flavors and frankenstein together variety packs but that seems like a lot of work for someone (me) trying to do my DIY saline boluses for the not-enough-blood-syndrome!

  5. Forgot ti day, Happy 14th dejar Autostraddle! Sending a big virtual cake to you and as Simeone Who has developed crushes on podcasters like Gabe Dunn, Sarah Marshall and Drew, do you have a podcast Crush?

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    • I’m honored to be included in such esteemed company !! (Also fun fact, Gabe, Sarah, and I watched a movie together last week)

      This is a basic answer but J Wortham!

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    • This isn’t a crush technically unless you consider it a crush on the whole podcast but sometimes I imagine what I would say on the AS podcast Wait Is This a Date? even though I haven’t been on a date in over a decade (by design.) I just love those convos so much and find everyone’s approach to and opinion of dating so fascinating.

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    • My main podcast crush is Rachel Maddow because she’s a sexy genius who is so deeply in love with her partner. (Not like I want to break them up! Like I just love a woman who loves her woman, you know?)

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      • Your scent is called Dad’s Garden Lemon Tree?! That’s perfection. I’ve been using Santalum from Ranger Station, which is a sandalwood/leather/citrus scent, but I’m ready for something new!

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    • 14-year-old Valerie would have told you Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath & Body Works (which I do have in candle form now and I love it) but what I use now is a roll-on perfume oil from an Etsy shop called The Little Book Eater that names their scents after fictional characters. Mine is Willow Rosenberg, and it’s orange, vanilla, bergamot, amber & sandalwood. It smells SO good. (At least, to me!)

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    • I don’t know if this is technically a signature scent but when I apply my Old Spice Alpine deodorant (NOT antiperspirant, don’t worry) in the morning, it stays with me all day.

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    • i don’t have a signature scent but I have been experimenting with moisturizing with various oils lately and I found out REAL quick why more people don’t use olive oil. I smelled like a tapenade that whole day!

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    • I’ll be honest. One day i was walking home from the farmer’s market and there were six perfume bottles on the sidewalk in front of someone’s apartment. This is a very common nyc thing, idk how much of a thing it is in other cities?? maybe it’s a thing everywhere? anyway people here leave stuff out on the curb all the time for others to take! I say all this because I… smelled all six of those perfumes and took three home with me, and to this day, those are my favorite perfumes! i don’t even know what they are, but I guess they’re my signature scents, lol!

      i also have a lot of theories as to why someone left six partially used, but clearly very nice!, perfumes on the curb. i think it was a break-up, and these were the perfumes someone gave someone else, and post-break-up, this person simply can’t have those perfumes around? let me know your theories!!

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    • flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf, which has been my scent for so many years (i think since i was 19?) that at this point multiple people in my life have been like “i would pass out if you ever smelled of anything different”

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  7. Dating advice question:
    In my early 20s, I did some abusive things in a stress filled relationship. That was about 15 years ago. Since then, I’ve done many years of therapy (still ongoing) and self-reflection, gotten on meds, and read a few dozen relevant books. I’ve been mostly single, but did have one relationship in particular that made me feel confident my behavior has changed. Should I continue to disclose my past to new dates? Is there a point at which that’s no longer needed? Do people on the team have preferences or perspectives on when and how that disclosure should happen?

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    • hi Pal! I don’t think I have a definitive answer on this because it depends, for me, on a lot of complex parts (that you don’t have to/shouldn’t answer to to us, but could think about), like duration and types of abuse, what triggered those behaviors for you, whether you feel those triggers now, etc. BUT, I did want to congratulate you on your self-awareness, self-reflection, and the work you’ve done! Fifteen years can be a lifetime. I think that if the relationship you mentioned that helped you feel confident you are in a healthier space these days ended well, and/or if you think you both had a good experience within it, that’s super encouraging! I don’t think it would be particularly important to me at this point to “disclose” about your relationship 15 years ago, but if there comes a point in a relationship where you want to open up about it, that would make sense to me. And if you feel like behaviors are being triggered, THEN I would say it’s time to go directly back to therapy and to start talking frankly with a partner about that!

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      • ooh wanted to add that i think setting up healthy patterns around conflict will be particularly important from the get-go in a future relationship! Tending intentionally to the parts of your garden that may have triggered Stuff in the past will be important, I think.

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    • This is tough, but my first instinct is that fifteen years is a Very Long Time! We are never going to be able to effectively move away from a carceral mindset if we expect people in our community to pay for their sins forever and ever and to somehow be responsible for othering and labeling themselves, including in ways that limit their full participation in a community (such as by dating literally 15 years after some bad choices).

      It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work, and you have to live, friend! I think that sharing about your past experiences, mistakes, and the work you’ve done will be a natural part of opening up to another person and that you should neither worry about rushing to “disclose” nor trying to hide your past. If someone chooses to disassociate from you because of it, that’s their perogative, but that doesn’t make bringing it up wrong. If it takes you a while to get to that level of emotional intimacy with someone you’re dating (say, you keep things super casual for a long time), that is also not wrong. You don’t owe every person you date an immediate dredging up of all your past harms. We all have them and I think a good and healthy relationship is one in which we can continue to do the work to make ourselves better people and partners and friends and comrades to others.

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      • “We are never going to be able to effectively move away from a carceral mindset if we expect people in our community to pay for their sins forever and ever and to somehow be responsible for othering and labeling themselves, including in ways that limit their full participation in a community” is such a concise and perfect description of a problem I see in many progressive spaces — a purity culture that leads right to that carceral mindset. I would LOVE to read an Autostraddle piece about how to move beyond that mindset while still holding people accountable — what restorative justice actually looks like in practice.

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  9. Three Questions…

    1: Who are your top 3 ride-or-die couples from a tv show or film?

    2: if you could be in a musical and had to sing one song, which musical would you pick, which song and why?

    3: Can you tell us the rough percentage/figure for the average number of Autostraddle clicks/visits originating from Europe or Africa; are there any surprising countries?

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    • The musical question has been breaking my brain because I can’t narrow it down.

      If I magically could sing well I think I’d have fun in one of the teen romp musicals like Mean Girls (I’d be Janice) or Heathers. But also I’ve always loved the songs in Jekyll & Hyde and wished I could belt Someone Like You!!!

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    • 1. Top three? Ryan and Sophie from Batwoman, hands down. I think my problem with all my other ships is that I genuinely liked one person more than other (sorry!) but for instance I loved Santana more than Brittany (Glee), Callie more than Arizona (Grey’s), and Bette more than Tina (TLW/Gen Q). But I loved all of those couples for what they brought to the screen, and with the ferocity of my entire heart. Tasha and Alice!! Would be the other couple that I will always hold close to me.

      Ok that’s more than three! Ryan and Sophie, Tasha and Alice, Santana and Brittany. Final answer. No take backs.

      2. When I did theatre regularly my audition song was “When You’re Good to Mama” (Chicago) which is solid for my vocal range. But I just know I would just murder a rendition of Satisfied (Hamilton) if given the change.

      3. We do have that data! But not always at our fingertips for a quick answer right now. But we’re poking around and seeing if we can get you some numbers! I will say, speaking very broadly, that I think the biggest “surprise” that people don’t expect is that after a few central countries (Canada, the UK, Germany, Australia) the vast bulk of our international readership is spread out around a lot of different countries and continents!! We run into this a lot when it comes to international coverage, because it’s not like “international” is any one thing. People access AS from quite literally, all over.

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    • The senior team would definitely be able to answer question 3, and I would love to know the answer to it as well!! But to answer other questions:

      1) Okay, I feel totally weird about starting with this couple because they are straight (the only straight couple I’ll list — don’t worry), but they come from one of my all-time comfort movies so I can’t not include them. It’s Jenna and Matt from 13 Going on 30. Hear me out. Friends to strangers to lovers. Knowing the person you love from when they were a kid. Being next! Door! Neighbors! They’re so warm and I will always cherish the photoshoot montage with them. If I could live my own dyke-version of the story, I would.

      Princess Bubblegum and Marceline from Adventure Time are also up there! I love angst just as much as I love comfort. My preteen and teen self ate up the initial hostility, awkwardness, and tension between the two. They have such a complex history. Plus, PB is one of my problematic fave characters (lol). And, honestly? Being able to live with your lover for the rest of eternity in a magical fantasy realm is the ultimate dream.

      FINALLY, I’d say Faith and Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Two of them are not supposed to exist at the same time; there can only be one slayer. And, yet, they are forced to navigate life knowing of the other’s existence. They’ve tried to kill each other. They are the only ones who can truly understand each other. The connection between them has so much depth, it pierces. Also, can we talk about the forehead kisses??? The innuendos??? Faith coming to the window of Buffy’s classroom and drawing a heart on it?

      2) I’d be in Mamma Mia!, purely so I can live out my fantasy of wearing overalls every day, living on a beautiful Greek island, and singing ABBA songs 24/7. And it may seem like the “obvious” or “cliche” answer, but I’d choose Dancing Queen because it’s such a feel-good, energetic bop.

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    • 1. shane and jenny
      finley and sophie
      jim and pam (sorry)

      2. take me or leave me, rent

      3. 39% of our readers are outside of the u.s.!, in order:
      uk
      canada
      australia
      germany
      india
      france
      netherlands
      italy
      philippines
      brazil
      ireland
      spain
      new zealand
      south africa
      sweden
      china
      poland
      singapore
      belgium
      switzerland
      mexico
      norway
      austria
      nigeria
      turkey
      malaysia
      finland
      russia
      denmark

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    • I can answer #2 — I would wear fabulous femme drag and play Rose in Gypsy and sing “Rose’s Turn.” I loved Gypsy as a kid and as a teen, and I also love a big alto number.

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    • 2. The musical episode of Buffy. UNFORTUNATELY I CAN’T SING so you probably have to give me a SMG song like going through the motions or honestly, Willow’s part where she sings like a single line.

      3. Also, as someone who mails out A+ perks, I’ve sent them all over the world! All over the US and Canada and also South and Central America, Singapore and Hong Kong, Australia and New Zealand — and all over Europe, too, although now a friendly person in the UK takes care of our European folks.

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    • 1. synclaire & overton – living single (we’re in the middle of a rewatch and they truly make me believe in love)
      callie & arizona
      gigi & nat (i love mess, what can i say)

      2. one song? that is very hard for me, a musical theatre gay. i used to use out tonight from rent for auditions, so i’m going with that!

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    • I am here to answer question number two specifically and it is “Gimmie Gimmie” from Thorougly Modern Millie which is my favorite musical ever! A VERY CLOSE second would be “Pretty Women” from Sweeney Todd cos like…I need that musical in my life on a weekly basis.

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    • My all-time favorite TV couples are: Princess Bubblegum and Marceline from Adventure Time, Ruby and Sapphire from Steven Universe, and Myka and HG from Warehouse 13. I’ll also admit that I am lovesick over Janine and Gregory on Abbott Elementary right now. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

      In this musical scenario, let’s pretend I have the skills required, in which case it’s: Anything Goes because I think tap-dancing is the coolest thing in the WORLD. Or Hello, Dolly, an all-time fave!

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    • My mouth WATERS when the conversation turns to office supplies. Core memories of mine include going to Staples and admiring post-it notes, staplers, and how many notebooks there are!

      I love a good fountain pen. They’re classic, and look so visually pleasing once the ink is on paper. I’m not committed to a particular brand of fountain pen; I simply go on Amazon or check out what’s available at a store. But, IDK, even just using a fountain pen encourages me to be more productive.

      White boards are really good for me to know what urgent tasks need to be done for the day. I’m also a huge fan of using post-it notes for color coding or writing miscellaneous notes. I’m unsure if planners are considered office supplies, but I’d add it to the list if they are. Passion Planners are my personal favorite. Linking them below in case anyone’s interested!

      https://passionplanner.com/

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    • I am sort of fussy about pens and use only two types: A Sharpie pen (not the marker) and/or a Tul gel pen in black. I like how both of them leave really bold markings? But not so bold it’s overly thick (a problem because I have average-to-small handwriting). I dunno, my handwriting itself doesn’t have a lot of flourishes, so I think a bold stoke complements it really well. And I like how smooth both of them feel against paper.

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    • I’m also on team Sharpie Pens—or really, any pen that doesn’t require me to press too hard. I have hypermobile fingers, and sometimes holding a pen can be painful for me. I might want to get one of those cushions that makes pens easier to grip, because I rarely hand-write anymore and I miss it!

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    • LOL, this was a slack conversation at the beginning of the year i feel like. I started using Microns last year and it was a game changer. And Heather got me using Hobonchi planners and i love them. I also love to have 700 notebooks in every room just in case i eventually want to use one of them

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    • i love a good office supply question! i live a block away from a staples, and i can never go in there and not spend money.

      as far as pens, i’ve recently gotten back into a plain ol’ bic round stick pen in blue. i buy them for my kid and they’re the best for copious amounts of writing or note taking. i also love a papermate flair medium felt tip pen in any color i can get my hands on. i like to write recipes down in different colors (they do bleed though, but c’est la vie)

      like any writer, i love a good notebook, and have a million random ones laying around. i like the staples brand accel multi subject ones. i’m working on a documentary with my partner, and it’s the best for keeping all of our notes in one place

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    • I really enjoy Paper Mate InkJoy gel 0.7 pens. I have them in black and purple. I know there are pens I’d enjoy more but I’m a creature of habit and I like these enough to be too afraid to try anything new!

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    • I’ll be honest. I was more excited about this question than I should have been….but I only use Sharpie Gel Pens S-Gel 0.7mm Black. My friend gifted me a box when I started my doctoral program and I’ve been in love ever since. Just ask absolute treasure to write notes with and not too expensive!

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    • I write with mostly only fountain pens since I got into them a couple of years ago. My go-to, again and again, is a Conklin Duragraph Orange Nights with a #6 Bock gold nib. And for pencils, I use a Rhodia #90205 wooden pencil!

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  11. Happy Birthday Autostraddle! My older kiddo is also (almost) 14. It’s a wild time!

    I have two questions but I’ll put them in separate comments because I’m a nerd who likes to keep things organized.

    1. What music are you all listening to lately? And who are your favorite queer artists? (Okay that’s technically two questions.)

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    • ok I love this question! I discovered Autostraddle because I went to a website that shall not be named looking for a brand-new season of Heather Hogan Pretty Little Liars recaps and they were not there! So I tweeted at Heather (like ya do?) and was like hI WHERE ARE YOU and she was like I AM AT AUTOSTRADDLE DOT COM and i was like “the place with the funny headlines that are like “Also.Also.Also: Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual Okay? Okay.” and then I popped over and started reading and then I understood the funny headlines and the rest is history!!!!

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      • I also followed Heather here! I had been afraid I’d be fired from the last website I wrote for if I read AS because they were super weird about it so I didn’t until Heather moved over here and I read her recaps and so much more and suddenly didn’t care if I got fired because I loved everything on the site! I went to A-Camp while I still wrote for the old site and was in awe of all the staff and made so many great friends with other campers. Then the other website went under and AS took me under their wings and the rest is history! The Halloween half-camp happened after I was asked to write for AS but before my first piece had gone up so I was nervous and didn’t know the vibe but right at the check-in table Riese and Laneia got up and hugged me and welcomed me to the team and it filled my heart right up and I knew this was the right place for me.

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    • My very first girlfriend introduced me to Autostraddle and I believe she knew about it because she was a big fan of Heather’s tv writing. I’m not as big of a tv buff as she was, but I was initially drawn to the coming out essays, since I was in the process of coming out. Even now I still love our personal essays!!!!

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    • I tell this story just about every time I’m pitching Autostraddle – it’s a tale as old as time: in my sophomore year of college, it suddenly became abundantly clear to me that I wasn’t straight, and i was… freaking out! i was a mess, just completely out of sorts, lost, and terrified. an older wiser queer happened to ask me how I was doing (big mistake), at which point I divulged that I was… not doing well! They recommended that I read Autostraddle — which I had never heard of. That night I went home and read evvvverything I could find on autostraddle.com, and the rest is history. I was an avid reader and fan for 10 years before working here!

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    • I first discovered Autostraddle when Carol came out in 2015 before I’d even come out. Then I became an avid reader in 2017 after transitioning. By early 2018, I was fully obsessed and would check the homepage several times a day and read most of the articles. By the end of 2018, I’d had a piece published on the site!

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    • I discovered Autostraddle in my teens. I had a lot of internet access and unresolved angsty queer feelings. On incognito mode, absolutely alone, I’d search random gay shit. Eventually, I found my way to AS. I think all the content just blew me away. I was still figuring things out, and every article that was unabashedly queer excited me.

      What I’d give to have a time machine and show that teen girl who she became.

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    • I’m pretty sure I found Autostraddle by searching for all essays about Janelle Monae when her first album dropped. This was way before she was out and right around the time that “Tightrope” was popular. I’ve been hooked (on Janelle and Autostraddle) ever since!

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    • i believe i found it because i was googling some things of a sexual nature as i was just starting to date women. i did a deep dive that night trying to find pieces about being a queer mom or anything that related to the journey i was setting out on. i pitched once and it wasn’t accepted, but i kept reading and using it as a resource whenever i had queer feelings or questions!

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    • Oh I have to jump in here: Riese’s recaps of the ill-fated MTV program Faking It were the first thing I ever found on Autostraddle and were almost 100% responsible for me coming out to myself, sticking around, and eventually working here! In many ways…Faking It was my The L Word

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    • i found autostraddle when my friend Caroline sent me a job listing that they were looking for new writers lol. and then i applied and got it! i mean i think i technically had read the site prior to that but i hadn’t been out very long, so I definitely wasn’t a REGULAR reader. and then for a full circle moment, Caroline actually made her Autostraddle debut this week :) https://develop.autostraddle.com/my-seltzer-my-self/

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    • I simply followed Riese over here from her Blogspot blog where I’d already reread everything she wrote enough times to have it memorized. I was writing for the other site Valerie mentioned in their comment and can confirm that site was SO WEIRD about Autostraddle. I think, even at the time, those editors knew Autostraddle was lightning in a bottle and would eventually eclipse them.

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    • I think I found Autostraddle in… 2011? Maybe sooner? I was young and queer and trying to find my place on the internet and a certain other site didn’t seem like the right fit for me. But Autostraddle did! I spent hours on Autostraddle when I was in my early teens, and I’m so grateful that I found it.

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  15. i have a question for stef rubino and anyone else who likes to lift weights. i just got some dumbells! what’s everyone’s favorite dumbell exercise that’s not like, one of the normal go-tos that’s on every list?

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    • Darcy! Thanks for asking this question specifically because you knew it would make me happy (I know that’s not why you asked this but I am pretending it is!). So, something that I love about dumbbells is that there’s a lot of stuff you can do with them! I think a dumbbell RDL is great (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQgFixeXdZo) because it helps with your lats and your glutes AND your hamstrings. Also, the farmer’s carry is a great FULL BODY exercise that people should be doing more of (including myself!!) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt17lmnaLSM).

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    • this may be on the normal go-to lists (idk, i don’t have any of those lists lol) but i like anything that works my triceps because they feel like muscles that often get ignored with bigger exercises and i like feeling strong in that specific spot on my body? i sometimes hold a medium-heavy dumbbell in both hands and bend at my elbows while lowering it behind my head, keeping my elbows locked at my ears so i’m really doing all the lifting with my triceps not my forearms. does that make sense? tl;dr, tricep work!

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    • I’m sure there’s a name for this exercise but my googling has not turned up anything concrete! I think it might be an alternating hand plank to downward dog with toe touch?? But basically you hold a plank (like a pushup plank, not a forearm plank) with a dumbbell between your hands, and then you, holding the dumbbell, do kind of like a down dog situation and bring the dumbbell to your opposite foot, then go back to a plank and switch hands and do the same thing on the other side!

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    • Very late to comment, finally had a chance to go through all the fun Q&A :)

      This isn’t a specific exercise but a site recommendation in case you don’t know of it: Fitness Blender has tons of awesome free workout videos. This is a search specifically for videos that use dumbbells: https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos?exclusive%5B%5D=0&equipment%5B%5D=20

      (I need someone to tell me what to do when I work out, and this site has been my go-to for literally a decade.)

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  16. Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! My question is: What are we going to do about these fascists and their racist, transphobic, anti-all-that-we-love agenda?!? Are we in the formations we need to fight back and win?

    An adjacent, Autostraddle-specific question for staff: is how have you seen Autostraddle shift audience members’ thinking on our role in building community & taking action?

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    • Grover, my answer to your first question is very simple and very consistent: we are going to work on ways to get close enough to them so that we can beat their asses (hopefully on national television). I think we owe it to ourselves and them to do what we can to make this happen.

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    • The first question is loaded, and I could go on and on about abolition, reparations, and tearing down the settler-colonial state. I don’t think we’re in the “formations”, but every time someone engages in collective care or gives back to their community, I think we’re on the right track. We save us! There is power in lifting one another up.

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    • We are plugging in, in the ways that we can, finding each other, securing community both on and offline, and hunkering down for what could be a fight that could last the rest of our lives, right? I think, in short? I think, also, in terms of strategy, fighting fascism wherever it arises locally and in our own community’s is crucial. Before someone’s a state senator legislating against our rights, usually they’re on a city council, or they’re a district attorney, or they’re a mayor. Are we watching what’s happening in our own communities? Are we engaging in abolitionist practices in our communities — jail oversight, jail support, court watching, mutual aid, information distribution, eviction defense and other forms of community care? Are we building our own ways of keeping our people safe and fed on the ground? There are so many components to resistance but I think the thing is, there are so many things we are doing already, as a community, and the important thing is to not be frozen, but to do something that best suits you, right?

      Anyway, I also felt this thread was helpful:

      https://twitter.com/magpiekilljoy/status/1632559421896179712

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    • agree with stef and lily, finding people who are already and have been doing the work and doing what i can to show up for those organizations as well as my people close to me are what im focused on. and i believe in using what is physically necessary to keep people from hurting/murdering marginalized people and i will use those methods consistently, forcefully, and without hesitation.

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    • This question has been sticking with me all day!! Because I don’t know how to begin approaching it in a comment thread setting, but I did want you to know that I feel it in my heart. Until then, I agree with everything that Lily said. I also fear that we need to speed up and get to the formation stage, quickly, because the other side is NOT waiting. And sometimes I worry we aren’t ready enough yet. So those are things that keep me up at night!!

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    • Stef’s comment made me think about all the small and consistent ways each one of us and show up to get closer to problems. There was a time in my life where I needed to move to a more queer friendly, metropolitan city to find myself. Now that I’ve done that, I feel morally and ethically compelled to stay in Florida to fight for us here. Even when I get exhausted or hopeless, I remember that me building a community and life here (and eventually providing therapy to lgbtq+ kids here) is my way of staying consistent and steady on a day to day basis.

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    • I’m here to say that we are going to keep fighting and we are going to win. I work in education and live in a “red state,” but there is some absolutely dope organizing happen in this state, particularly amongst queer and trans people of color. Right now, it seems really heavy and scary but we’ve fought through a lot before and we’ll keep doing it, shifting, dreaming, and working toward liberation.

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    • i don’t know for sure, but i assume so. maybe not my ex-boyfriend but who knows! it’s not weird for me personally. i’ve been writing for the internet for a very long time, and anyone who i’ve ever dated seriously knows i’m a writer who writes about my personal life.

      people may be surprised to know that for some of the earliest earliest iterations of my For Your Consideration series, including the one where I first acknowledged my ex had cheated on me, I actually let her read the first draft. things like that stopped after we broke up though.

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    • I have less personal essay material on the site than others so maybe it’s not as juicy but yes I have had more than one ex (I think by my last count, THREE) text me about a post of mine, to various comfort levels from me! One of them I met at A-Camp though, and one through the comments of an Autostraddle post, so perhaps not the most unexpected happening, even if it wasn’t always super fun?

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    • I have No Idea, but there are certain ones I would certainly not want to be reading my stuff because I want them to leave me alone forever! Aside from that, it’s a meh.

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    • Tbh I think about this a lot. I’m not in communication with any of my exes or any of my hookups but they all know I do the thing and they all, to some extent, know I write about them. I have quite a lot of public stuff up about my past love life, so I’m sure they’ve seen it. No one has contacted me though so imma keep at it.

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    • i believe some of my exes read autostraddle and it feels fine. i’ve gone to pretty great lengths to never publish something about a person i’ve dated that i wouldn’t stand by reading to their faces, tbh. part of my practice of strengthening boundaries re: what i share online. that said, i do think it’s weird that some of my exes definitely look at my instagram and kinda low key keep tabs on me, but it is what it is! i hope they liked my engagement photos ya know? *petty shrug*

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      • Hi Vanessa, if you wanted to share: How do you know/can you tell that some of your exes look at your instagram? (Unless they leave comments or anything like that, that would give them away for sure.)

        “i’ve gone to pretty great lengths to never publish something about a person i’ve dated that i wouldn’t stand by reading to their faces.”
        That is a great motto/way to handle it!

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    • lol I sure hope they do. In fact, I hope SOME of them are even A+ members so their weird, abusive selves can see me that I wrote this reply and that I am thrivinggggggg.

      xoxo, ex-babes.

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    • At least two of my exes are A+ members! One of them reads a lot of what I write! I assume some of the others are readers as well but I don’t have official confirmation.

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  18. This question and multi-part and is kind of long winded and requires a lot of explanation but it’s generally about grief and building connections/friendships around this experience

    I’m active in a Discord server for a fandom of a particular book. I’ve formed genuine connections with lots of people there and I can tell other people have done the same. We have expanded out from just discussing the book to discussing a variety of other topics, including our own lives and often share issues that we are experiencing and support each.

    The book deals with a major character who loses a parent at a young age. I’ve noticed recently there are around maybe half a dozen(?) people in the server (including me) who have disclosed losing a parent at a young age and some (including me) have talked some about relating to that element of the book. We’ve all talked about that experience some in general.

    I know that other people in the server have formed smaller group chats (group DM’s?) around different specific common identities or experiences that are shared between server members and/or tie in with common themes in the book. I was thinking I recently I might like to start a group chat with some of those other folks who’ve lost a parent where we can talk about our general experiences with grief. I’ve been apart of other grief-related group chats before and found it really helpful to have someone to talk to who understood my experiences but the groups I was apart of in the past have sort of fizzled out.

    So my questions are: 1. Is this a reasonable idea and not totally crazy/ridiculous/wildly inappropriate? 2. How do I go about seeing if other people are interested in something like this with coming across as creepy or making people feel uncomfortable? 3. How can I navigate creating a group where all of us share about something very personal while also acknowledging none of us are professionals in this area?

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    • I think this is a totally reasonable idea, and I’ll be honest with you: if this was NOT a way you could make friends, I would have no friends! ALL of my closest relationships blossomed from spaces that were focused on some kind of story (TV, movie, book, comic book, video game), or from A-Camp! The idea that you have to meet people some other way is terrifying to me! How do you even know if you both like nerd shows, and if you don’t both like nerd shows, what are you even gonna talk about?!?!? How can you get to talking about trauma if you don’t start with fictional stories about trauma?! So, yes, I think this is a great idea. 

      It sounds like the precedent is already there for these sort of spin-off groups, so my idea would just be to float it casually. Something like, “Y’all’s stories about your own grief have resonated deeply with me and I’ve found that procesing my own grief through the lens of this story has been really helpful. Would anyone be interested in a kind of informal group situation where we can pull on those real life threads of grief a little more? Group text or something like that?” Just breezy and to the point! 

      And you don’t need a professional! Most friend groups don’t have a professional who leads and moderates the tough talk; we just sort of manage in the moment with what we have. It sounds like the connection is there, and probably you’ll build trust the more you share and grow together. 

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    • hey jules! i don’t think this is weird at all! i think it could be as simple as posting something like:

      “hey all, i know there are a few other folks in this group who have lost parents and i was kind of thinking it would be nice to form a side channel for those of us who want to participate. Is that something you guys might be interested in?”

      if you didn’t want to post in the main group about it, i think that could also be edited into a very normal, not-at-all inappropriate DM to a select few.

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    • Darcy and Heather have this COVERED but I’m active in a Discord community and from my perspective — yes, this is totally a normal and chill and reasonable thing to do! And 2 — I’d start by just asking people if they’re down.

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  19. hi! happy birthday! does anyone pretty please have a way to listen to Brittani Nichols’ and Khalehla Rixon’s “Hamilton: The Podcast”? I very much would like to listen to it from the beginning, but I can only find the last few episodes online. thank for your assistance in tracking down this important cultural document! and thank you for everything you do <3

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  21. okay now for my trickier question, how are you all with boundaries? can anyone advise me what is this mythical ‘reinforcing a boundary’ without withdrawing affection or saying you’re not going to speak to someone ever again just because they didn’t do the dishes one more time?

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    • Omg Kate I love boundaries and I love this question! I am cracking up at your example, but to me, that’s definitely not what boundaries are. To me, boundaries look like this:

      1. Determining the answer to this for myself: What behaviors can I personally accept or be around? What situations or behaviors do I need to personally remove myself from for my own health and well-being?

      And 2. Communicating that clearly and compassionately.

      The most important bit is that: Boundaries govern your behavior, they do not govern the behavior of others.

      My best example of this is one time when I was in the car with my dad. My mom was getting re-married that weekend, and I was making time to go out to lunch with my dad. But in the car, he was starting to sort of spin out, trying to make the weekend about him. He was yelling, I can’t remember what. I just had nothing left in my well to take care of his feelings at that moment. And I said: “If this is what we’re going to do, I can’t do it. If this is what we’re going to do, you need to let me out of the car.” And he stopped, and he took a beat, and he changed the subject.

      Obviously, he responded well, and people will not always respond well. It was truly a best-case scenario for a scary-level boundary. I respect that he was able to do that, and it meant that we were able to have lunch!

      If we back up and go to a more day-to-day version, for me, setting boundaries and expectations can look like a lot of things, so I’ll just drop a few sentences below:

      *“I have trouble when dishes sit in the sink overnight. Can we work out a system for that? I’d be happy to put the dishes on my list if there’s an equitable chore you want to put on your list.” (I mean, you don’t have to talk like a robot, but that’s the IDEA).

      *Hi boss! Happy Monday! I didn’t answer your call on Saturday because I’m not clocked in on the weekends, but I’m happy to answer that now. Are there things on this project we need to finish before next weekend?”

      “Oh thanks for the brunch invite but I’m not free that day!” (You don’t have to offer an excuse). “Want to go to Dinah Shore next weekend though? (Dinah Shore optional).

      Anyway, there are a ton of friendly and compassionate ways to set boundaries in your life. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying “no” when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. One thing about boundaries is that trust is important on both sides — like, say someone asks you to do something — you have to trust that they really want to know whether you want to, and aren’t just looking for a yes! But when you are able to set those boundaries, I think relationships can really flourish.

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    • I was going to chime in here but I feel like Darcy really covered it. I want to emphasize “Boundaries govern your behavior, they do not govern the behavior of others.” This is especially hard for me. I actively have to repeat this in my head when setting boundaries with people. I find it much easier to do with coworkers and friends than family. My family does not communicate well (or at all) so my version of Darcy’s story is that I just simply say what I need to such as “that was an insensitive comment” and then make sure to plan some time to remove myself from the situation, whether that’s going to the bathroom for awhile to get space or decompressing that evening.

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      • ooh em saying true, important things in the moment (“that was insensitive”), not to get a reaction, but because it is true, is still hard for me! I’m glad you mentioned it. it’s definitely something I want to work on.

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    • Boundaries are so hard!! I’m slowly getting better at them (both defining and enforcing) but man does it make me feel itchy to do so. I can’t remember where I read this but I read once that boundaries are an act of love, both for yourself and others, and that’s really stuck with me and made the whole boundary process easier.

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    • Oooh! Fun! (I mean it, haha. It makes me feel better to talk about it because it feels like so few people are now? Like, except for here / twitter?) So, my girlfriend is disabled and we have really been trying to avoid adding Covid to the mix. We’re masking at indoor gatherings or stores of any kind still, with well-sealed N-95s, but not masking outdoors unless in a crowded space. Aside from that, we have been going back to doing things, just masked. People have given me shit for like, showing up to a meetup at a bar and wearing a mask the whole time, but also that’s my perogative. I’m allowed, yknow? I don’t give people shit for what THEY wear. In the very rare event we do something like an overnight visit, we do rapid testing beforehand and depending on how cooperative the people we’re meeting up with are (friends tend to be cooperative, relatives absolutely untethered) we decide together whether we’re masking our not. I could count on my hands the times I’ve been unmasked indoors with other people though since this all started and a lot of them were on family visits immediately following that first very hopeful vaccination wave when we were all newly vaxxed. Were we ever so young?

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      • Also I should add, I often have the ability to not mask out of doors because I live in a place where I am not like, surrounded by people if I go for a walk. If I’m downtown on a busy day though, for example, I tend to mask up.

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    • ALL OF THEM. Masks everywhere, no indoor gatherings, only outside meetings in small groups with people I trust, testing regularly, and fighting other people about masks. Awesome question!

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    • All of ’em! Limiting exposure to people. Masking in public places, double-masking in crowded public places. Testing before seeing friends indoors in unmasked spaces, discussing previous whereabouts (if any) with anyone I’ll see. Specifically NOT being unmasked in indoor spaces with anyone unvaccinated; either because I don’t want to hang out with anti-vaxxers or because I’m staying masked if I’m with someone too immunocompromised to be vaccinated. Sometimes it feels like there are so few of us taking any precautions at all but I will keep protecting my community and myself as long as it takes.

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    • Hi SodaPop! I see you! Personally, I:

      *Mask indoors in public spaces
      *Test for multiple days when I feel icky or have symptoms
      *Share indoor space (unmasked) with a fairly select group of people, and keep an eye out for symptoms after
      *Get a booster whenever it is available to me
      *Dine indoors in public only very occasionally, when the restaurant isn’t crowded, has high ceilings, and there isn’t an outdoor option (then monitor for symptoms after)

      Later this spring, I will be flying to visit a friend for the first time since March of 2020. During the trip, while I will still mask in most indoor public spaces, I will allow myself a bit more potential exposure than I do in my day to day life. I will be extra careful for the two weeks before I leave and the two weeks after I get home. I will mask on the plane with an N95 (not my usual KN95).

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    • Like the folks who have answered so far, I ALWAYS wear an N95 mask indoors when there are people outside of my household around. That means when I go to the store or to a doctor’s appointment or take a ride share, I’m wearing a mask. If my parents come to visit and want to be inside, I’m wearing a mask and so are they. I don’t mask outside unless I’m in a crowded environment (attending a protest, walking through a crowded park, etc.). Any unmasked hangouts with friends are happening outdoors and outdoors only, even when it’s cold. I’m privileged to lucky a fire pit in my backyard, so that makes winter hangouts much more comfortable!

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    • absolutely adore this question

      masking nearly everywhere (try to do six feet in the two places ive been recently where we havent–both family places) // been extremely blessed to have virtual accommodations for the job im at (hopefully for a long time, fingers crossed), every vaccine is going into my body as soon as possible, i can’t remember if it’s Proven but the anxiety thing of wiping down everything that comes in the house/washing my clothes if ive been outside still plays a part. ive moved like, a lot of my community stuff, online and thats a privilege and the other ones ive just kinda, let go? its not ideal and its not like i was hitting the streets all the time but i go to significantly less places than i did before cause im still lowkey terrified but these help.

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    • I love this question!! I mask indoors, especially for any place that I will be longer than like 15 minutes hard max (a grocery store, a play, the movies) or if it’s crowded — but also pretty much, all times, if I’m indoors I am masked.

      If I’m out with who I don’t know their safety/risk protocols (I’ll just say because not enough single people are talking about how COVID safety has impacted us — let’s say, if it’s a hook up with someone I don’t know well and even if they’re saying they’ve done XYZ protocols, I can never be sure) or if I’m traveling so there are more risk factors than I can reasonably control, etc, I test. All the time. Testing and I have become best friends. I’ll test before I go, I’ll test after my exposure and again three days after.

      But my biggest safety precaution is just limited exposure/risk overall. My social circle has gotten infinitely smaller since 2020. I pretty much still keep to my pod, even though we aren’t using that kind of terminology anymore, in one of our private spaces, and limit exposure outside of that circle. That helps track if someone does end up with Covid exposure. And also we trust each other to have similar levels of precaution/care.

      And obviously I’ll match precautions of who I’m with, so if I’m with someone who is immunocompromised and they need me to test first, I’m glad to do that. If they need me to wear my mask inside their home, glad to do that too. Or if they only want to meet outside, even in Michigan winter, if they need me to isolate first. All those things are on the table.

      I’m also vaxxed and had two boosters that I can remember off the top of my head. I’m also very lucky and privileged in that I’ve always worked from home, even before the pandemic, which means my daily exposure is very limited.

      I’m very close to my mom who is 66 years old and has a variety of comorbidities for Covid, so I take Covid precautions incredibly seriously. It can be tricky to navigate though! Especially this many years in, and with so many people who don’t.

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    • I wholeheartedly feel like I will be wearing a mask on public transit (especially on planes) for the rest of my life and I’m absolutely okay with this. I live in Ohio where no one masks ever (which is wild). And I also inquire about precautions with gatherings or when I’m going to be in close proximity to folks. Mostly, I’m also just counting down the days until I can move back to the side of the mountain and never see anyone in person again.

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    • i also love this question.

      – i mask indoors in public places (doctor, grocery store, synagogue, events, airports, etc)
      – i test regularly, especially when i’m traveling
      – i do still do risk calculus — to me, an indoor concert will probably never be worth it again, but hanging out with friends inside is worth it and i rarely mask at any private friend gatherings now (like at someone’s house — if we’re in a bar i do still mask)
      – i mostly do not eat inside — again, it’s a risk calculus, and sometimes i choose to do it, but it’s much much less than pre-pandemic… like maybe once a month at most
      – i match someone else’s comfort level if it’s more cautious than mine — if they want to mask indoors at my house, test right before a hang, only hang outside, etc, of course i do what is good for them
      – get any and all vaccines/boosters available to me swiftly and happily
      – talk about COVID precautions with people i spend time with frequently! i recently had a friend who was going to stay with me from out of town, and i was recently going to stay with a friend when i visited seattle, and i talked with both of them a LOT about our precautions, our expectations, our comfort levels, etc. in the end my friend who was going to stay with me matched my precautions but ended up getting covid and couldn’t come, and my friend in seattle actually takes more risks than i do in his daily life but was uncomfortable because i was coming for a conference and the large amount of people i’d be exposed to didn’t feel good to him (i’ll be masked but the conference doesn’t require it) so i decided to get a hotel instead. the key to me is open communication and honest check ins.

      tbh my partner and i take *many* more precautions that almost everyone we know — friends and family — but i know we’re practically laissez-faire compared to a lot of my co-workers and friends here at autostraddle, and that’s part of why i try to talk about my precautions a lot. spending time with friends who act like the pandemic is over and spending time online with people who take many more precautions than i do can make me feel like it’s black and white, all or nothing, and i have to remind myself that’s not true. i love wearing a mask in public 24/7 — it feels safe and like i’m doing my part to protect myself and others. and i feel okay not wearing a mask around friends in a private space who are also making that choice.

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    • I dunno if you wanted random commenters to share, too, but in the effort to affirm that there are lots of people still engaged around the pandemic, I will.

      My partner is immunosuppressed, so I am more careful than lots of people in my life, but less than others. It’s hard to place oneself on the responsibility spectrum.

      I have one weekly indoor work event with 20-30 people that I attend without a mask (unless the county COVID numbers are significantly increasing), having always tested before (and after if I have symptoms). It is a risk that I am placing on myself and the people I am around, and I acknowledge that, while choosing to
      Otherwise, any time I’m indoors with people / at the grocery store / at the movies, etc I am wearing an N95. I also wear it for crowded outdoor spaces. I am fortunate to live somewhere with a temperate climate, so if we eat out, it is outside.
      I’m up to date on boosters and shots, and will keep doing so as recommended.

      Communally, in the weekly group gathering I lead for work, I keep attendees updated about the county COVID numbers (flawed as they are), immediately mask up if someone else comes in with a mask on, and push back when people say things like “the pandemic is over”

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  23. This may be too hard a question, but how would you fix Gen Q if you could? Leaving it intentionally broad and would love to hear any thoughts, long or short.

    By the way, I love Wait, Is This a Date? and To L and Back! Two of my all-time favorite podcasts.

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    • Oh man oh man. I think the show really needed to decide early on whether it wanted to focus on the main OG cast or the newbies. I think some of the zany campiness of the original series (and the storylines for the OG characters) would have been nice for our new cast. I think lightening up on the trauma storylines (the alcoholism, the parenting plot, the Sacklers?). Putting Riese in the room.

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    • i also think they need to treat the characters like people and not stereotypes. none of them have any sort of growth, which is annoying, especially the og characters. i refuse to believe that after 10 years, those characters haven’t changed at least some.

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    • i think they should have the cast act like normal adult humans instead of body-snatched automatons whose personalities change from episode to episode to suit the random plot points! BUT THAT’s JUST ME

      also yes hire Riese

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    • this is not hard for me AT ALL.

      I want to say that I would love to add more visibly Black folks to the cast (Dark Skinned, not racially ambiguous, no loose curls, etc) cos like…why on this show have there only been a half a handful of niggas and why are they always treated terribly if they are there or they have to die? like lol WHAT?

      Why is this show so scared of Blackness and not from some teaching POV? Just Black folks exisiting and taking part in their universe. Like – I simply don’t get it. Making sophie tie her hair up, making angie wear shirts about Blackness, and making Bette support Black artists and fuck a Black woman is simply not enough for me and its very much “Do Better”.

      If they wanted to — they would. But it’s obvious after two iterations that they don’t want us there so hey.

      Also….where are the fat people?

      <3

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    • In addition to what’s been said, the biggest difference that I think Gen Q could have made was hiring writers who had watched the original show and/or a script coordinator who was keeping track of details from the original show (it’s been implied in other interviews that this was not made a priority, which boggles my mind for a sequel series) and also probably hire a showrunner who had a little more television writing experience. It’s just a really big flagship project to have to learn on the fly as you go! And I think we’ve seen the results of that all over here.

      Next, I’d make sure that the writers I hired reflected the background of the diverse cast that I hired. I obviously also would have written in at least two lesbian/queer trans women characters and also built out a social circle for Micah that included the main characters of his current friendship circle — that he seemingly never spends time with? — but also other trans and transmasc pals. So of course all of these characters also need trans writers. The show needs more Latine, Black, and trans writers with power to make decisions in the room.

      This is of course presuming we are starting over from scratch!!

      IF we picking up from where we currently are, I’d prioritize getting Tasha and Alice back together since Bette and Tina are (presumably) gone, they are legacy couple that fans… ahem cough cough me… care about. I’d also have them stop fighting so much and drop the angry Black woman stereotype they were writing Tasha into immediately. I’d STILL hire more Latine, Black, and trans writers with power to make decisions in the room. Tess would survive the car accident and immediately go into rehab and also her sobriety would stick this time.

      Ok those puzzle pieces settled, in no particular order here is what I’d do next: Sophie is definitely getting with Pippa, who is now joining the cast, Angie is going to build out a queer circle in college — this is going to include more racial diversity, skin tone diversity, and body diversity than the show has done in the past, Micah’s still going to make more transmasc friends and also he’s going to build real friendships with Dani/Sophie/Finley on screen, Shane is going to be single for a while and we’ll love it, upping Rosie to a series regular, Dani is going to break Dre’s heart sadly, because I like her with her Costa Rican bestie who’s name I can’t remember, BUT Dre we are going to keep Dre around because the younger generation needs more members!

      Also Pippa is friends with Jodi Lerner (surprise!), so she’s coming back too.

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  24. For any grad school folks, how do you set aside time for big long term writing and research projects when you could be doing literally anything else instead? Anything that works other than quickly approaching deadlines?

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    • Mini deadlines!!!!

      That is the biggest answer to this. Big, long research projects (a dissertation, qualifying exam, journal article, thesis, even a final for a class) are a bunch of smaller research projects strung together. What’s most helpful is to break it down backwards. I’m going to take a dissertation chapter as an example, since I had to write a bunch of them.

      If the draft of a diss chapter is due to my thesis advisor by the (extremely arbitrary date of) May 15th — and often, this is a date I’d pick myself because so much of grad school is self-motivated, etc etc you know this.

      Then I need a full draft done by a week before that, so I have time to copy edit.

      That means I need to have the conclusion section done by May 7th.

      If I know the conclusion will take me (also aribtarely) two weeks to finish, how much of the conclusion do I need done by May 1st to be able to finish the reminder by May 7th? that’s my next deadline.

      Ok now how much time do I need on writing the third section? Is that all of April? Great! Let’s break that down into three or four deadlines that keep me on track for all of April.

      Second section? Same thing, but for March.

      The introduction? Ok that’s a big one! That needs two months, so that’s January and February. That’s 8 weeks. What do I need to do, weekly, to keep that on track. Let’s write that down.

      ETC ETC ETC.

      For one of my qualifying exams I read something like 80 books in roughly 3 or 4 months? To make that happen I had to read roughly 20 books a month, or 5 books a week. That’s a book a day Monday-Friday (which I realize sounds like a lot, and now that I’m out of the grind, it makes me want to lie down on the floor. But also at this period of my life that was pretty much the only thing I was responsible to do because it was summer and I wasn’t teaching a class — for my second qualifying example, which happened during the school year proper, I needed more time). The point is that there was no way to do that as 80 books all at once! But one book a day? With the weekend as an option if I went over?

      That was much more reasonable.

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    • Also!!! Don’t forget to give yourself small rewards. I love baking so for every deadline I made, that’s a new baking project. Or a casual night out at a bar with friends. Or maybe a couple days off to go swimming or binge tv!! The point is to celebrate the small wins. They matter and they add up, they will keep you going.

      And leave yourself room to be human! You won’t make every deadline, that’s ok. Build that into your schedule. You are not a robot!!! You are a person, a beloved person. Be firm with yourself, but also treat yourself like someone that you cherish! Because you are!! So please don’t forget to be kind to yourself. In a grad school environment that thrives on over-analysis and nit-picking, it is so easy to forget that you are not a thing to be analyzed. You are not a research robot. Go outside, breathe fresh air. Be a person.

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    • Hi! So I think the most important thing is to plan ahead and create a schedule that works for you. Like, one day you can devote maybe 1-3 hours of research in the library (with breaks of course). Moreover, when I’m at work and things aren’t so busy, I’ll do my homework! It’s also important to break down every task for “the big paper” and research project. You can do that by creating a checklist or vision board for what you’re doing.

      Most importantly, when you’re creating your schedule, please don’t overwork yourself. No matter what, your sanity and well-being come first. I hope this helps in any way.

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    • I totally echo what Lily and Carmen said! I really appreciate Carmen’s step by step advice. I’m not super strict with myself on mini deadlines, but I like to keep a month by month calendar up on my wall with all my real deadlines so that I can see how much time I have. I’ve worked out my schedule so that I only do schoolwork Mon-wed and do my other jobs and what not thus-sun. I realize the block schedule isn’t for everyone but its helped me and my brain switch gears and feel refreshed.

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    • Hi! I am here to say that I intentionally schedule out all of my time and put in time for both doing the hard stuff (like bigger projects) and then also the fun stuff (like watching rom coms or doing nothing at all).

      I use a few apps to schedule my life out at the beginning of each semester and manage it throughout. It may sound like a lot but it helps. So at the beginning of each semester, I take basically a weekend to get organized.

      I put large projects (and estimated mini deadlines) into a project management app called Trello (and pay for the premium subscription — it’s worth it). I sync my Trello with my Google calendar and my Outlook calendar. I also look at the assignments and figure out how much time I may need to budget for them across the semester. I count stuff even as small as finding sources or picking up a book because it takes time/energy. Most importantly, I tell myself that I only have the bandwidth to tackle three things a day and anything else is icing on the cake. Sometimes (when shit is tough), those things might be shower, eat, and get out of the house. But often I commit to 2 work things and 1 meaningful thing for me!

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  25. Happy birthday!!!

    Last year’s April Fools Autostraddle pet day was GREAT and provided belly-aching read-aloud fodder for me and the group of friends I was with that day. When are we going to have more content provided by Autostraddle staff pets on the site?!?

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    • I used to do this in college with Buffy. Every semester I rewatched it with someone new.

      I feel like I have a new TV show I’m championing at any given moment. It was Buffy, then Orphan Black, then Wynonna Earp, then Wandavision. I think currently it’s Yellowjackets? Or The Last of Us. I don’t usually love rewatching shows (too much new stuff to watch!!) so when I find a show I DO want to rewatch, I make everyone who will listen watch it, too.

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    • I love this question. I think: The first season of Orphan Black, which is literally perfect. And you can explain it, and it sounds cool and impressive, but it’s one of those things you simply need to experience.

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    • I don’t have *one* but I have been showing my girlfriend Xena because she never watched it! (she was very…let’s say, artsy and dignified back then and didn’t want to get into the camp of it). WE ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME.

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    • I would make every single living person watch this video of PJ Harvey and Björk covering “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” at the 1994 Brit Awards and afterwards I would whisper in each viewer’s ear, “Boo! You’re gay now.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8RFignlzaM

      I would also assign the world a reading list that includes the works of Angela Davis, Mariame Kaba, and Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha.

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    • i’ll probably have a different answer in five minutes but one of my friends is finally playing butterfly soup and i want EVERYONE TO LOVE IT AS MUCH AS I DO i mean youre more than welcome to form your own opinions i love this game a regular amount

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    • Vida is probably the piece of media I’ve recommended to the most people. But I struggle with this question because I feel like the best way to recommend stuff is when it’s personalized. So there are a ton of movies I recommend often but it’s largely dependent on who I’m talking to. Like the queer movie I’d want my straight family to watch and the queer movie I’d want a friend who loves horror to watch and the movie a friend who loves romance to watch would all be different. I would love to convince more people to watch House of Hummingbird though.

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    • You know? I’ve never thought about this, because everyone I love in my life has pretty much already seen these two things, but I think it would Pariah (for a movie) and Vida (for a tv show). For an album, Lemonade? Because there’s something in there for everyone. For a book, A Bridge Called by Back, which was edited by Cherríe Moraga and Gloria Anzaldua. For a play it would most obviously be Rent but also anything by August Wilson or For Colored Girls by Ntzoke Shange.

      That about sums up my whole personality.

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    • i often recommend whatever i’m really into in the moment, so i feel like i don’t have an answer for this. my tastes are really specific to me, and most people don’t love the things i truly love, so i wouldn’t make any firm recs

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    • Honestly, I feel like every white feminist queer needs to read Gabby Rivera’s Juliet Takes a Breath. It’s a YA novel that tackles queerness, race, ethnicity, gender, coming out, and summer love. Like just great writing and food for thought.

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  27. Happy birthday AS!!!! I have been reading this website for almost the entire 14 years of its existence, starting when I was around 14/15 myself! Autostraddle, Effingdykes and everyoneisgay.com were my lifelines as a teen figuring out on the internet that being gay looked a lot more fun and exciting than being straight. Thank you for giving me that and for being the one Online Thing I still engage with these days!

    Anyway!! On to my question! Are you looking for any new non-North American contributions to AS at the moment? I would love to see more stuff from around the world!

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  30. Question for the astrology fans: When people try to guess your sign do they usually get it right? If not, what they commonly guess instead? (would probably also be helpful to know your actual sign is for the second question)

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    • People don’t usually guess Capricorn for me! Which is funny because I’m such a Capricorn. But I think when I’m out and about meeting queers who want to guess my sign they’re picking up on my Leo rising more than anything.

      I sometimes get people guessing Aries which I think is them combining my Capricorn stubbornness with all the Leo and Sag fire in my chart.

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    • People never get mine right!!! Usually they guess pisces or cancer because I come off as being expressive and emotional, but I am indeed an Aquarius through and through. It feels really similar to people calling me a Hufflepuff when indeed I am a Ravenclaw.

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    • If people have worked with me in some capacity, they guess my sun sign correctly (Aries). If we haven’t worked together, people usually think I’m a Scorpio (which is my rising sign, so they still get a point!).

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    • Oftentimes no. I’m a Capricorn and I frequently get Scorpio or Sag! I’m a double Capricorn though, so maybe that has something to do with it? Also a Sag venus if that means anything?

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    • No actually! I am a Taurus and I’ve mostly had people guess me as a LEO! Twice on one trip though folks guessed that I was a Libra and I wanted to excuse myself and go scream into my hotel pillow but opted out! Oh and sometimes I get Capricorn but thats earth sign territory so I don’t get too fucked up about that.

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    • I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone guess because I’m a loudmouth gemini who is like “hi nice to meet you I’m a Gemini” so no one has a chance to guess lol

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  31. hello happy birthday! in honor of the mortifying ordeal of being fourteen, what is the worst haircut you have ever had? OR what was your hairstyle at fourteen? this is directly inspired by my sibling unearthing photos from my mullet phase and ribbing me in sheer delight

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    • When I was in high school I let my friends dye the last 3 inches of my long hair fire engine red with manic panic in the drama club bathroom and when my mom found out she made me cut my hair to my ears. I don’t know if it was my WORST haircut (I did have bangs until 9th grade, and once my aunt tried to give me blonde highlights but gave me a skunk stripe instead) but it was the one I hated the most. Just a short bob that didn’t suit my face or my thin hair and also was a punishment for trying to have some autonomy.

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    • my worst haircut came when i was in my 20s. i asked for a bob that was longer in the front and shorter in the back. what i got was a bob that was longer on the right and shorter on the left. it was only made worse by the fact that i had bangs. i looked like i was wearing a helmet with weird highlights (he bleached my freshly chemically relaxed hair and it fried like a piece of bacon)

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    • My worst haircut was when I was 14!! I had long hair from ages 9 to 14 and then my mom and sister were like long hair is cute on a boy but it’s time to grow up you can’t be a dad with long hair. So I got it all chopped off. My mom told the salon to give me “a traditional boy’s haircut” which is an extremely on the nose moment in my closeted trans youth!! I looked like an ancient Roman soldier and continued to look that way until at 17 I started bringing a picture of James Dean to the barber.

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    • I haven’t had too many terrible cuts but I had several “worst color” situations in my early twenties. both times, I wanted to look like a “natural redhead.” the first time, I came out looking like a spice girl with the orange and the white stripes. the second time, I came out with crayon red streaks (?). I gave up on becoming a redhead after that!

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    • When I was 12, I got that one early 2000s haircut where there’s a shoulder-length layer that flips out on the bottom and a shorter layer on top that curls under and it was HIDEOUS. Also, the first time I went to a chain salon and asked for a “short, masculine haircut,” I was asked, “Are you sure? Are you sure you want it that short?” over and over again by the stylist and ended up with a straight suburban mom bob. I’ll never forgive her.

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    • Ugh when I was 14, I had long relaxed hair that went past my shoulders. My mom sent me to the salon every two weeks to get it done and then I would just put it up in a pony tail with a thin headband (that usually matched my shirt or outfit in general). I felt so out of place with that hair and just thinking about it makes me so sad that baby shea had to feel so unlike themselves for so so long.

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    • v glad to hear that everyone has hair drama! at thirteen i got my first hair dye and the stylist absolutely fried my hair bleaching a streak in preparation for manic panic atomic turquoise and it kept me from trying again for like five years lol. turns out that was a her problem not a my-hair problem and now i do it all myself in my bathroom at two am like a very mentally well person!

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    • oof i had a monster of a “side bang” when i was around 14 that covered my entire right eye… but i remember that fondly surprisingly! to be real, my least favorite hairstyle i had was the extremely long hair (down to my ass) i had because i thought i had to keep it in order to adhere to some rules about being attractive to otheres that i had actually just made up in my head!

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    • oh man probably it was when i was 14 bc that is when i tried to get a “rachel” and the thing about it is that i am jewish and my hair is really full of ideas about where it wants to be and where it wants to go and “rachel” was not one of them. probably i could get it to work now with the help of a flatiron but i had not heard of such a thing at such a time (thank g-d honestly). i had to use a lot of barrettes waiting for that to grow out, it looked like a layered cake that had been punched in. then at 15 i intentionally gave myself a bad haircut, just cut it all off, i can’t remember why besides that my friend was supposed to cut my hair for me and i got bored of waiting for her to do it. we all had bad haircuts then, it was a time to be alive!!!!

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    • I’ve made a lot of wild and chaotic hair choices through the years but TBH I STAND BY ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!! My “blonde” era was more like an orange era though and it was…….not great

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  32. What show should I stream next with my tv party pals? It doesn’t have to be specifically queer, right now we are finishing up Wednesday, and before that I think it was Derry Girls. We also enjoyed Mare of East Town. This has been one thing that we started during covid lockdowns and I’m glad we are still doing.
    Also randomly, because it just happened- what do you do if you get a grocery delivery that you did not order and doesn’t belong to your neighbors? This happened twice and once I hadn’t been home for a day so the perishables had perished, and there’s no address where the delivery shouldn’t gone.

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    • Wednesday to Derry Girls to Mare of Easttown is a JOURNEY! You blasted through so many genres; I am impressed! If you want something in the spooky ensemble genre, Yellowjackets! A comedy, Abbott Elementary! A crime drama, how do you feel about true crime because Amanda Seyfried really is amazing in The Dropout.

      I’ve never gotten a grocery delivery that wasn’t mine, but when I do have weird grocery delivery questions, I always ask on like Instacart Reddit because that’s where the shoppers hang out and they can tell you how to be helpful without getting anyone in trouble who’s just trying to make a living in these capitalist lands!

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    • If you want to switch genres completely, I just want to put it out there… Survivor is kind of incredible. I got into it during the early days of the pandemic, with no expectations whatsoever, and now I’m completely hooked!!! If you’re looking for a place to start, Season 20, “Heroes vs. Villains” was available on Netflix last time I checked!

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    • Those are so many TV genres, I wouldn’t even know where to begin!!!! But I’m going to take a stab at it and suggest Poker Face which is not quite as surreal as Wednesday, not quite as smart as Mare of East Town and not quite as funny as Derry Girls, but definitely has elements of all three! Plus Natasha Lyonne!

      I haven’t had this happen to me with Instacart groceries, but more than once a Door Dasher will give me things that weren’t my order (once I got someone else’s Starbucks instead of the one I ordered, a few times I’ll get someone else’s soda!) and what I learned is that there’s truly no way to give it back, so I just like kept the extra soda or whatever. It does feel more pressing with perishables!!! It shouldn’t be this hard to give back food that’s not ours to begin with! Though in my experience, sadly it is.

      I am going to take up Heather’s Reddit suggestion though! That’s a good one.

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    • my partner and i really loved welcome to chippendale’s on hulu if you want that high stakes drama. we’re gearing up for new seasons of ted lasso and yellowjackets this month. we also started shrinking on apple tv+.

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  33. Where do the “elder” folks buy casual around the house/walking the dog pants? I returned a pair of tomboyx (I think) joggers a couple months ago because they had a huge drop crotch. I’m gay but I’m forty! And my thighs don’t need that much contact with one another.

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  34. Happy 14th Birthday! Congrats!
    When will you publish the 2022 Autostraddle Reader Survey results? I loved the article on the “68 gayest ways you met your partner” and the “46 very special ways you explained your sexual or romantic orientation.” Will there be more? I’m so excited – I just can’t hide it! I am a big nerd for data results!

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    • I love a data nerd!! I think we might have a couple more underneath our sleeve? I’ll be honest (shh! a fun secret!) we sometimes save them for when there’s a traffic lull or a scheduling lull, they make for great fillers for holes because we love them and so do ya’ll! So that can make them hard to predict — I can’t say, yes we have ABC amount more to public on THESE EXACT DAYS. But I’d say you can be on the lookout for some spontaneous posts in the future. I’m glad that you love them!

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