Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. Most of these questions have been answered by Riese unless otherwise indicated. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Would it be at all possible to send the new gal pal shirts to the entire USWNT? I have a feeling they would love them and it is very appropriate since they refer to themselves as ‘The Gals’ on social media!
This is a really good point, all we need is their addresses thank you!

You guys! I did the thing were you order through AS for amazon purchases? I am waiting for my package (heh) and I’m very very excited about it. Yay!
We are also excited about this! Yeah! Good work! What did you order? I hope it was a bundt pan and you’re going to make a delicious apple cake.

Will there be an A-Camp 7.0? :)
Reader, there will!

Hello! I was wondering how much money you are actually able to put into the website from sales of clothes. I want to buy them, but can only justify the price if it really helps you. Thanks! I love you!
Oh wow yes I mean, YES it really helps us! It helps us so much! Merchandise has actually become one of our largest revenue streams, and we’re hoping that expanding our store this fall will help us make up for the loss in our already-minimal ad revenue (which is happening web-wide, but hits smaller sites like ours especially hard) and also grow like flowers in the garden yearning to touch the sun. We design and print all the merchandise ourselves, so it’s not a CafePress situation here (for those unaware — CafePress and Zazzle only give a few dollars to the creator). The profits go directly to paying queer people who do queer things for this queer website.

1) I love Autostraddle so thank you, all of you, for making it this great
2) Does anyone have any idea when the “create group” button will be back? or is it back already and I haven’t found it?
It’s there! It’s right there. I promise! It’s on this page — All Groups, My Groups and then ‘Create Groups.’

My pressing question is this: how is A+ doing? Are targets being met/is it growing into a stable income?
Hello! It is doing well and is growing into a stable income, yes!! It has radically changed all of our lives and enabled us to actually plan for the future with reasonable expectations. We met our first goal of 1,000 members. I’m not sure we’re gonna meet our goal of 2,000 members by the end of the year, though, we’re sort of hovering at 1,300. I have some ideas on how to fix that but haven’t had the time to put them into practice. Without A+ we wouldn’t have been able to hire Heather Hogan or start paying all our contributors. In July a lot of yearly subscribers renewed, and that’s why we were able to get most of our Subject Editors into contracts that’ll compensate them for the work they do besides just writing posts. That being said, we are, of course, still paying everybody half of what they could make elsewhere and we still lack a business manager and many other things that’d help us keep up. So I hope it keeps growing but I’m also SUPER jazzed at how well it’s gone.

I see that new (?) rainbow color coding on the AS homepage menu, and I LIKE IT.
WELL THANKS, FRIEND!

I remembered your Amazon affiliate link just in time to buy all my law school textbooks! It made an otherwise depressing exercise better since I knew that some of that money would get back to you guys! Have a fantastic day!
Thank you so kindly! I hope that if you buy more cocoa almonds, they taste as good as the first time you got them instead of like “licking a manhole,” which is how Rachel described her second bag of cocoa almonds to us this morning.

Will the red straddle this undies ever be back in stock??
Probably not, no. :-(

Ok, so tell me that the OMG I’M GAY magazine is coming back, because I thought it was a mainstay, and I was waiting to buy the 2 pack until your new merch came in so I could buy everything at once. Also, if you’re not planning to restock it, tell me how much money I need to pay you to get you to change your mind and I will DO IT.
Okay so the thing is that it’s true, OMG I’M GAY has sold out completely, it truly has! I do have a few copies here though and if you’re in the United States, I can send you one! Just go to the homepage and find the black “Donate Now for a Better Autostraddle” button in the sidebar. Donate $20, then forward the confirmation email to me at riese [at] autostraddle [dot] com and say like, “hey this is my email address and I’m the one who wants the zine!”

so because of the new push I have followed you on facebook. I already followed you on tumblr and RSS, but I figure if you’re dedicating so much space to it, then the facebook # must be important for some reason. (Although is it intentional that it appears on every page of a multi-page article, or is that just the plugin or whatever acting up?)
It’s not intentional that it appears on every page of a multi-page article, no, but there’s also no way to make that not happen. It’s all or nothing, apparently. THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING US ON FACEBOOK! It is actually literally the most important thing anybody can do for us aside from buying stuff and joining A+.

Why is it okay to joke about being a misandrist? I’m referring specifically to the shirt you sell but also more generally to the attitude I’ve come across both on the site and during camp. I put it down to there being something i was missing, some further understanding, as I’m not all informed and had to google misandry to check it was what I thought it was. Don’t you think that selling that sort of merch/encouraging the use could contribute to non-monosexual and non-binary or trans people feeling excluded? Don’t get me wrong i understand its a joke, and i understand that its not entirely equal to selling a tshirt with misogynist on it due to the privilege masculinity is given in society. But it still doesn’t sound good to me. Basically i think it is wrong, although I’m happy for someone to try to convince me otherwise. I’ve given it a couple of months but it still nags at me. Thoughts?
You know what I think is funny is that The Toast is like the Headquarters of Misandry and many other feminist sites proudly joke about and celebrate misandry with joy — but only on a website for queer women is it seen as somehow problematic. Like it’s only okay to joke about man-hating if you are also seemingly sleeping with men? Anyhow, this has come up before on the website and Rachel wrote a really eloquent response in the comments that hopefully will convince you otherwise. Natalie’s comment is really important, too. Also: misandry isn’t real, it’s an idea created by men’s rights activists who think they are being oppressed by feminism, which’s probably one of the reasons why so many nice feminist men (cis and trans) bought Misandrist t-shirts!

But honestly you don’t have to agree with us, it’s okay. I think everybody has their own personal politics and comfort zones for this and for all sorts of political and social justice ideas, and what works for you doesn’t have to work for me or vice versa. I think that’s what a lot of things come down to around here: we’re just people saying how we feel and then you say how you feel and that’s that. You’ll never agree with all of our opinions — we don’t even agree with all of each other’s opinions! But I think that’s okay. Nobody has to buy the t-shirt.

Any chance about getting new stock for the Misandrist t-shirt???
Welp.

I just got a new job because of someone I met at A-Camp, basically. I also met my girlfriend because of AS, about a year ago. THANK YOU FOR EXISTING, AUTOSTRADDLE! I’m just feeling really grateful and I wanted to tell you. Ya’ll are so crucial to my health and happiness and everything

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

Nothing like spending a rainy day in bed wearing pajamas
I know! I’m so disappointed in Michigan this week for not raining as much as it did last week, but I’ve got high hopes for more rainy days in our future.

I’ve loved the Interview With My Queer BFF series!! I never really thought before this about how awesome it is that my best friend is also gay, and how important it is to have someone in my life who understands me in every way but that there’s never any possibility of us dating or being attracted to each other. It’s like having a sister. Anyway, I just wanted to say, thank you for always celebrating all aspects of queer life and Autostraddle is a big part of why I’m able to feel so comfortable with myself and my life and I love y’all
Laneia says: It IS like having a sister! It really truly is. I think Gal Pal week in general was one of my most favorite theme weeks that we’ve ever done. Anyway the best part of this is that we love you, too!

I LOVE THE LOVE & CANADA SERIES i’m so sad it’s over (!?!) but SO HAPPY for carolyn + shannon! that’s going to be me so soon!!
Laneia says: HOLY CATS, CONGRATS!

YOU GUYS THE FINGERNAIL STORY THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laneia says: Y’all. I know.

THESE GAL PAL INTERVIEWS ARE THE BEST
AREN’T THEY??!

I just wanted to let you know that I started watching Bomb Girls after seeing the references to it on this site and BETTY MCRAE HAS STOLEN MY HEART
SOLIDARITY. If y’all haven’t gotten into it yet: get into it.

I just found out that my crush is a lady-loving lady. Thus ends my streak of falling for straight women. Progress?
PROGRESS, YOUNG SCOUT

I love Bound! It is a really good thriller and Violet and Corky are a super hot couple. Gina Gershon was a customer of the pharmacy I worked at and I would always stare longingly at her when she came in. She is much older than she claims to be, by the way… To me Bound, Saving Face and Imagine Me and You are the holy trinity of lesbian cinema
I also love Bound! Did you know that Susie Bright was a Lesbian Sex Consultant for that movie? We studied it in a Film/TV class I took in high school so probably it’s down there with all the other roots deep in the soil.

I feel like for a while I haven’t had the emotional energy to comment regularly, but I just wanted to tell you all that you’re wonderful and I love everything I read on here and I’m just so glad this community exists, blah blah feelings crying etc. I love you guys, thank you! and when work cools down in a couple months I’m going to be rambling along on here like I want to now!
Rachel says: We love you too! Do you work on the surface of the sun? Or inside a bakery? Those can get so hot in the summer. We’re very excited to read your comments soon, maybe have some iced coffee or gelato.

Also I’ve been reading old food lists for like an hour and I want to cook vaguely impressive things SO BADLY and people were supposed to come over tonight so I was all excited about it but they cancelled and I feel so lost. I guess I’m just going to have to make a feast for GF Holly and I tonight and then con her into doing the dishes. Sigh. If you guys were near I would invite you all over for a magical tea/booze party with many delicious things, but I am busy and lazy and also not near. Maybe I should do a straddler tea party? But everyone is so flaky! NO it is a Great Idea I’m gonna do it!
I’m gonna use so much puff pastry.
Rachel says: That’s just the worst when people cancel at the last minute! Especially when it was something you put a lot of work into preparing! Ugh I’m sorry. I think a straddler tea party sounds really great! What are you gonna make with the puff pastry? Sweet or savory? Maybe if you get other people to commit to bring things, like a potluck, they’ll show up because they’ll know that other people were relying on the thing they were gonna bring? I’m going to make lentil salad today. No puff pastry though.

you GUYS I just did some fannart for the first time in a LOOONG time and it’s Swan Queen, for the Swan Queen Three Dollar Big Bang, and I know I’m not the only sq shipping nerd trash on here so can I send it to you when it gets revealed? Is this too much nerd for one message? Is this too off topic? I don’t know, maybe. Oh well! I’m not supposed to show my drawing to anyone until it gets revealed but that could take WEEKS and I am so AHHH
Yah sure send tit over!

hot tip: if you lie down on the grass in the park a dog will come lick your face, I highly recommend it
Rachel says: What???? Thank you for telling us! Do you get to pick where the dog licks, like maybe your knee, or does it have to be the face

Dear Autostraddle will you please tell your beloved masculine of centre folks who are not tall that you do not have to despair over all the sexy Topman suits that don’t fit you! Burton Menswear (owned by same company) do suits in short sizes, perfect for us tiny folks. And if you have a chest that doesn’t fit Topman clothes try Burton for that too. So many hours spent sadly drooling over topman clothes that don’t exist in my size …
Well that is fabulous news for all of my beloved masculine of center folks! (Also for any Topman fans, the affiliate link for Topman is right here.)

GUYS I APPLIED FOR THIS NEW JOB AND I’M TOTALLY PANICKING ABOUT GETTING THE JOB. SEND HELP.
Rachel says: You already did the thing! You already applied! Now all you can do is wait. You’ve gotta chill out babe, give yourself a break. Maybe go to the tea party being hosted by the person above. I bet you’re gonna get an interview, you’re gonna do great!

did you know that you can buy grapes that legitimately taste just like cotton candy and they’re not artificially flavored, they have been bred that way naturally?? this is not a drill I am eating them right now and it is a little unsettling.
How are you going to tell us about this and not tell us what they’re called! SO jealous of you.

You guys, I know you’re mostly in the U.S., but I just wanted to let you know that Europe, well, Germany most of all is CRAZY right now! We have been having a refugee “crisis” for a few weeks now, with so many people arriving, that the authorities are absolutely helpless and overwhelmed. So what happened? A few Nazi and right extremist demonstrations, a few empty potential shelters burned down, but way more than that hundreds and thousands of volunteers just showing up, buying food, establishing whole kitchens, providing shelter, donating and distributing tons of clothes, the works. Now, yesterday, Hungary suddenly decided to allow thousands of refugees to pile into trains and from one moment to the next, there were suddenly thousands of refugees headed for Austria and mostly Germany. 3000 arrived at the Munich train station this morning alone, more are expected all over the country throughout the day. And what happens? People just drop everything, and flock to the train stations to provide food and water, diapers, underwear, blankets, even internet, whatever. It’s like history is being written right at this very moment! Germany isn’t a big country by any means, we have a super conservative government at the moment, and the sheer amount of refugees (800.000 are expected by the end of the year) will shape our society in the years to come. But still, compassion mostly with the escapees from the Syrian war and atrocities by ISIS and a notion of human decency prevail despite all odds. Just follow the #trainofhope hashtag or even #refugeeswelcome if you want to cry a bit because your faith in humanity has been restored.
Thank you for sharing.

You know when Emily Fitch asks Naomi Campbell to be brave and want her back? Its such a great scene
Heather says: It is one of the all-time greatest scenes on television, and not even on queer television, just television. #CatFlapForever

Seen this? I saw it in passing while at work, seems interesting. A little digging tells me that it starts in a couple if weeks and features a trans character in the lead role played by a trans actor. I’m excited.
Heather says: Have you watched it? Two episodes have aired. I think it’s pretty great. What I especially love about it is that it came from BBC’s concerted effort to include positive portrayals of trans folks on TV and the show’s creatives didn’t even audition one single cis person for the role. A trans woman played by a trans woman. Doesn’t seem that difficult to figure out, AMERICA.

you guys “from the archives” is so good EVERY SINGLE TIME
Heather says: I KNOW! Sometimes on #TBT, when I’m trying to figure out what to tweet from the archives, I lose two hours of my life just reading them because our archives are SO GOOD. (And timeless, obviously.)

This is neat
Heather says: Oh wow, yeah, that’s super cool. So much important information! Thanks for sharing.

I would like to express my regret for my recent one-dimensional, monotonous, and impersonal gratitude campaign in the comments section. I am sorry for having disrupted your day with nonsensical commentary. I have learnt some valuable lessons which I will share with you, because it is 3am and I can’t sleep. 1. The comments section is for conversation, not for form letters. 2. Address any communication thoughtfully to the appropriate person. Nobody likes a time waster. 3. Even though some comments may last forever, moderators have a role in the community too. It is important to reflect on why that is, and how moderation helps the community evolve. 4. On the internet, words and images make context. There is no emotion, tone or body language. In future, I will try harder to contribute with these thoughts in mind. Yours sincerely, L
I’m not sure what this note references but I can’t imagine there ever being anything wrong with any kind of comment-section-centric gratitude campaign!

AS is my queer bff.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION

My friends and I have an LGBT bookclub, and we need something happy and fun and not heavy to read next (the last two books we read were Middlesex and Egalia’s Daughters). Suggestions?

Well, Carolyn is on her honeymooner, which is bad news for you, because I feel like she would’ve had some really good recommendations. I asked my team and this is how that went:

riese: HEY DOES ANYBODY HAVE AN IDEA FOR THIS QUESTION I WANT TO ANSWER? My friends and I have an LGBT bookclub, and we need something happy and fun and not heavy to read next (the last two books we read were Middlesex and Egalia’s Daughters). Suggestions?
audrey: they need like the book equivalent of Life Partners
maddie: the only thing i can think of that even comes close to light and fun is dykes to watch out for
they should read queer sultry summer
riese: Good call, Maddie.
audrey: The funnest queer book I can think of is The Argonauts, which probably says something twisted about my idea of fun tbh.
riese: yeah that’s not fun audrey
all i can think of is YA novels
audrey: But even the YA novels are depressing
maddie: yeah my first thought was annie on my mind
followed by the argonauts
followed by are you my mother
so
audrey: They could read Lumberjanes.
laura: tell them to read Fist of the Spider Woman edited by Amber Dawn
it’s perfect for fall and it’s really fun and kinda creepy
oh maybe that’s not happy
but it is a good read
mari: If you’re into SpecFic and haven’t read it yet, I’d definitely recommend Palimpsest by Cat Valente
laura: oh, sister spit! that’s actually fun.
maddie: oh yeah! sister spit is fun!
mey: Yeah, i’ve been trying to think and i can’t think of the last book i read that was “happy and fun and not heavy”
raquel: Hmm maybe My Education by Susan Choi? I’m not sure if it’s “fun” but it’s relatively enjoyable / not totally depressing and involves a lady queer teacher-student relationship.
riese: oh i hated My Education
i wanted to murder the protagonist with a machete
raquel: hahaha
I can see that
riese: i feel like it was kinda dark, right? it felt dark
i mean maybe it felt dark to me because i was fantasizing about the protagonist accidentally getting hit by a train
laura: i agree with you about wanting to murder her
make better decisions, girl.
raquel: i guess i was going for “nobody dies” but yeah uh nevermind
riese: i think that was the book’s fatal flaw honestly
nobody dying
had somebody died
namely the protagonist
it would’ve been a much happier read for me
raquel: I think this might have been the same situation I had with jenny, where I loved her because I was in a similar situation / brain state
but in retrospect she, and I, were terrible people
riese: see i also love jenny
raquel: i might have just had that realization about my education
laura: she’s the only half asian bisexual character i know of.
i had such high hopes.
riese: maybe soemthing by michelle tea?
laura: yeah, sister spit was edited by her!
riese: I feel like that wouldn’t work for a book club though right?
’cause like in book clubs you talk about overarching stories, themes, etc, and it’s an anthology
laura: these are all related to the sister spit tour though
i would read it at a book club
raquel: maybe like…ellen’s memoir??
riese: there’s always Tipping the Velvet I suppose
laura: is that happy? i know people describe it as a “romp” but it didn’t feel that way to me
rachel: maybe one of cristy road’s graphic novels? i don’t remember those being particularly dark
Inferno wasn’t that much of a downer, was it?
riese: i think i’m gonna recommend The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks

Then Anna showed up and they had this to say:

anna: oh man I also run a queer book club!!
Look Who’s Morphing was weird and enjoyable.
But How To Grow Up by Michelle Tea was a good discussion.
Pregnant Butch is a graphic memoir that is not heavy or dark or too serious
ALSO maybe Skim if you want another comic

Another late add came to us from Stef via Stef’s ex-girlfriend: “mila recommends lost boi by sassafras lowery, describes it as “a modern queer retelling of peter pan, super unmiserable”..?

If you are open to YA, I’d recommend The Miseducation of Cameron Post or Shockproof Sydney Skate! You can also check out all of our read a f*cking book posts (there are a lot).

I’d love to read something on invisible disabilities! Thanks again for a great website.
Like do you mean stuff like chronic pain (I wrote a thing about fibromyalgia once, and Vanessa did a great interview with Aimee which talked a lot about living with lupus) or mental health issues (which we have a lot of essays on)?

Is there a reason there haven’t been any first-person articles from any queer women who identify on the asexual spectrum? Maybe no one is offering them. Idk. It was really rad to see an article that touched on the topic, but it did it in this weird detached way that made me feel like AS readers have asexual friends, but AS readers are not asexual themselves. There are definitely specific tensions at the intersection of woman, queer, & asexual. Ugh, idk idk. Instead of feeling more included, that YouNeedHelp article kind of made me feel more excluded. :[ I’m just telling you this because I love you, not to bash you; know that.
Laneia says: Well damn, I wish it hadn’t made you feel more excluded! That certainly wasn’t the intention. We don’t currently have any [openly?] asexual team writers, and I haven’t received any brilliant asexual first-person pieces by queer women to publish for you, but I’ll definitely keep my eyeballs peeled for opportunities.

Happy Birthday, Marsha! is a movie in post-production about Stonewall that is ACTUALLY about Marsha, and created by trans women of color. 
Yes! We know of this thing and are excited for it.

Do you all know about Jen Richards?? She’s awesome. She runs Her Story.
Rachel says: Did you read Mey’s interview with her and Angelica Ross and Laura Zak? So amazing!

Can we have an article about having bisexual feelings but choosing to date women exclusively anyway? Like being attracted to certain men but hating all men?
I actually sometimes joke that I am a “bisexual by birth, lesbian by choice,” which I think I talked about a bit here and kinda a bit here — but I guess I could do a full-blown story on it, where I talk to people with similar proclivities (I know at least four people who identify similarly including my mom)… lemme think!

I’d love to read a post on overcoming internalized homophobia while living long-term with a female partner!
SOMEBODY BETTER FUCKING PITCH US SOMETHING AMAZING ABOUT DEALING WITH INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA SOON OR ELSE

I would love to see USA Rugby get more attention on here. First, because they do a great job of making the women’s game VERY visible. It’s not just “Oh and over here if you click on a special menu option and look closely, you’ll see we have women’s teams!”. It’s constantly present in their advertising and social media presence. ALSO because the players are just so lovable. This is Jillion Potter, one of the 7’s teams’s captains, cancer survivor, and queer lady who apparently had a picture perfect wedding: 
That sounds really neat it really truly does sound super neat and like something people would like but I just don’t know who would write it!

Can we have an article detailing the life of Stormé DeLarverie and her role in the Stonewall Riots? Since the shitty movie trailer came out and generated all this press, I’ve been researching Stonewall and enjoying Autostraddle’s coverage of it. However, while I had learned quite extensively about Miss Major, Sylvia Rivera, and Martha P. Johnson in my queer studies classes, I’d never heard of Storme until just now. My girl ID’s as butch and it was nice to see a butch actually acknowledged as a historical figure because usually even in queer history “butch” is just seen as a brief anachronism or sad stereotype and so actually being able to read about the life and times of a butch person–with a name and everything–rather than just debates on whether or not the concept of “butch” is acceptable in queer spaces would be nice. I think we need more butch names and faces to discuss rather than discussing ‘butch’ as if it didn’t refer to real, living people. I don’t want to take away from the focus of trans women as the initiators of Stonewall but I also want to learn about any other *not* white-male-cis-gay that played a part in the event.
Guess what. GUESS WHAT. Okay I’ll tell you: me, Riese Bernard, CEO OF IDEAS, had this VERY SAME IDEA right when the Miss Major interview went up, and everybody was like “good Idea, Riese” (obvs), so Senior Editor Yvonne Marquez asked our former Contributing Editor Sarah Fonseca if she’d be interested in writing this piece and Sarah said “yes” and I hope this means that it’ll be happening soon!

I just wanna say TV recaps make my world go round, so even though I get hard decisions about how to use writers’ times best, I will be sad to see them go. I may or may not choose shows to watch by whether or not there are good recaps to read along with :p
We’re actually not really featuring a lot less recaps than before, I swear! I’m still recapping Faking It and Heather will still recap Pretty Little Liars when it returns. There are SO many shows now, though, which’s why we’ll be featuring more MINI-RECAPS than ever. The twice-weekly (Boob)s On Your Tube will be chock-full of mini-caps and we’ll be desperate for your thoughts and feelings on those. Also as usual, if you wanna see recaps on the site, we beggeth of you to comment upon them!

Just wanted to say, you finally convinced me and I’ve become a member. I have switched my monthly NPR giving to monthly Autostraddle giving and I feel like that is good for queers as a whole, and maybe better reflects my current news consumption habits… for better or for worse. Anyway, you’re awesome :) keep up the good work.

I NEED ADVICE

My girlfriend and I cuddle when we sleep, which always ends in her DROOLING ON MY FACE. What do I do (not cuddle=not an option)?
Rachel says: Can you cuddle in a different position? Maybe be the big spoon and have her be the little spoon? Or you could do the thing where you lay on your back, querent, and your gf sort of latches onto you from the side, so that way the worst thing she could drool on would be your torso. Laneia calls this approach the “refrigerator magnet.”

Hi lovely people! I would love your advice on this small problem I have/create. Basically I am jealous baby about my straight friends getting boyfriends, which I know is RIDICULOUS. I get small crushes on many (most??) of my female friends and then feel sad and almost resentful when they get boyfriends and end up avoiding them all the time bc seeing them gives me feelings. How can I be less selfish and ridiculous??
Laneia says: Oh this is a very tough one, yes. I think — and I’m really not being flippant here at all, so even though it might sound like I am, you have to know that I’m very much not — I think you have to get some more queer friends. Right now your brain is like ALL COOL GIRLS, ALL THE TIME (I’m generalizing here with the ‘girls’ part because I don’t know your whole life, but we’re a website for/about women who want to do/be with other women, so this is the direction I’m taking this generalization, ok? Again, you know me.) and that’s totally fair, because cool girls are so great to be around and they are so fucking easy/fun (in the beginning) to get crushes on! But you’ve gotta retrain that brain to be like ALL COOL QUEER GIRLS, Y’ALL ARE THE COOLEST because cool queer girls are not only cool, but they’re far more likely to want to reciprocate your small-to-large crush on them, because they’re queer, which makes them actually COOLER than cool straight girls.

That’s right, I’m taking a bold stand and saying that cool queer girls are cooler than cool straight girls. DEAL WITH IT, WORLD.

So anyhoo, you get yourself some cool queer gal friends and you invest in them, build a little weirdo community with them. Make food together, help each other make coffee tables, let them borrow your VCR, bring salsa, tell them where to put their new aloe vera plant (full sun, well draining soil), keep up with each other’s sports teams, try the new sandwich place, feed their cats when they go to Minnesota for a week, stuff like that. And then before you know it, you don’t have time to be jealous of boyfriend-getting straight girls, because you’re way too super busy hanging out with your cool queer gal friendos over at the park on a sunny fucking day, right?

I need advice. You know how the everyday feminism site has a ‘what would you do if’ column? I want the AS response to this scenario. What would you do when your male colleagues/supervisors are sexualizing you but not in a way what can be documented as sexual harassment? Like male gaze type stuff. It feels like my grad school supervisor mentally undresses me. Two other creepy older dudes tried to befriend me; when it became obvious they had ulterior motives I freezed them out but they think my behavior is a symptom of how attracted I am to them which makes it so much worse.

If there’s no answer, I need a way to deal with it better because I GET SO ANGRY that I can’t handle myself anymore. I stop speaking to them. I feel like a child when my only response is months of the silent treatment to these coworkers (and mentally murdering them — no I wouldn’t actually do that; it’s just the imaginary satisfaction of getting them to respect me).

This has been an ongoing problem. I want to be professional at least. Even better, get them to see how awful their behavior is. They need to get their shit under control and learn to have a poker face. I’m starting a new job next year and I want to learn better ways of dealing with this.

‘Go to therapy’ is not really the answer I’m looking for; I’m more interested in maybe some tricks or strategies to use in the moment, either to assert myself or change the energy of the situation in a way that calls them out on their behavior without actually accusing them of sexual harassment. Does that make sense? Like make them feel bad at least for being so obvious about it and let them know that I’m aware, without actually having to say to my grad supervisor ‘stop mentally undressing me for five minutes and do your damn job of advising me.’ Since I can’t say that WHICH IS WHY I’M SO ANGRY.

Thanks for any suggestions you might have.
Rachel says: Well friend! This is a tough spot. I don’t know that there are necessarily a ton of tried-and-true foolproof strategies in the moment; if there were, then all of us would use them all the time and none of us would ever have this experience, which unfortunately is not how it is. I (Rachel) can tell you some things I used to try in situations like that, but everyone figures out different things that work for them and maybe this won’t be helpful to you! When there’s an uncomfortable power dynamic like this and you can’t say “stop mentally undressing me,” what I usually try to do is call attention to it while sort of playing dumb, so that they know I’m aware of their behavior but not that I’m upset about it, if that makes sense? So like if someone is staring at my chest, asking “Oh gosh, is there something on my shirt?” and making a fuss about it until they stop. “Is everything alright, sir? You seem distracted today, should I come back another time?” Or if someone is staring in general, asking “Do you need something? Is everything okay?” To the extent that it’s possible, it may be better/more comfortable to try to meet in public; sitting down with your advisor in a coffeeshop or on a bench outside the office might be better than in his office.

These aren’t sure shots though, and unfortunately probably nothing you can do as an individual is going to cure the horrible misogyny in your (and most other) academic department(s). I know this isn’t what you asked and that you want something you can do in the moment, but I really very much feel based on my experience that what will likely actually make you feel better is building community with other women in your space. Maybe consider hosting or just starting a monthly potluck or drinks or movie night or brunch for women, either in your department or in the graduate university community generally — you can bill it as a networking thing, it doesn’t have to be called “misandrist coven meeting” or whatever. Even if the women who come are in wildly different departments and situations, I can virtually guarantee that they’ll have similar stories and experiences. Talking to each other about them will relieve a lot of the pressure and isolation, and since they’re closer to your experiences and may know the people you’re talking about, they might have better tips or strategies than we could. Seriously, making connections with other women in academia is the #1 and also #2 and #3 suggestion I would have for women who feel like they’re miserable in academia, especially because of men.

How do I cut a toxic friend out of my life when everyone else in my friend group still likes her and includes her in social gatherings?
You can’t. I know, that’s not what you want to hear, but your options here are super limited-to-non-existent, unless you want to give up the rest of your friend group or make new friends. Like, you can tell everybody else in your friend group why she’s a toxic friend and they shouldn’t hang out with her, but I feel like that’s the “low road” — maybe she’s toxic to you but not to them, or maybe if she is toxic to them, they’ll figure that out soon enough on their own. You could move to another city and then just look at pictures of her with your friends on facebook and have conflicted feelings about it? Personally, as someone pretty lukewarm on socializing to begin with, I might just stick to smaller social gatherings where she’s not present and avoid the ones she’d be at, but if you’re a person who likes being social, that might not be possible for you. But ultimately, I think the best you can do is to tell her that you can’t have her in your life anymore because she’s toxic, but that you’ll probably end up at the same social gatherings and you’ll just have to steer clear of each other as much as possible in those situations, like an ex! It’d probably help to confide in your closest friend within your friend group so she knows what’s up and can help you navigate those spaces. 

I want to move back to Michigan so badly, but I’m worried about the economy and lack of other queers and the conservatism that’s rampant in the western part of the state, where I’m from. I had a terrible time the last time I lived there, so while I really love the mitten, I’m a little scared to go back. Riese, did you have any feelings like that when you decided to go back? Also, an article or roundtable from people who have moved back to a homophobic or conservative hometown or state would be really helpful and interesting.
Well, I’m very blessed in that I grew up in one of the most liberal towns in the entire midwest: Ann Arbor, Michigan, and so although I’d never been “out” here, I wasn’t worried about it because even in the ’90s I saw lots of out lesbians in A2 and in Royal Oak, where my Mom lives now. In the Bay Area I never thought twice about referencing my sexuality to a stranger or holding Abby’s hand, and that’s definitely changed radically since we moved, but I’m not even sure if that’s necessary, to be honest. Detroit, Ferndale and most of the suburbs are liberal, and I think the state as a whole is like 60/40 Democrat/Republican. One thing I really love about Michigan is the diversity of this state — there are so many different types of places to live here, many of them not at all conservative, even in the western part of the state! It feels around here like the economy is growing, and my (masculine-of-center) fiancé didn’t have any trouble finding a job, but of course I can’t speak to the larger economy of the state. That is a wonderful roundtable idea, though, I wish I knew more writers who could speak to that.

Where are all the queer pot-smoking hippies? All I want is a queer smokers circle, all my queer friends are super straight-edge. How do I find my people?
This is a very interesting question I never imagined answering, my friend! If anything, I’d anticipate the opposite, but maybe I’ve just spent too much time in California. In any event, you should probably sit down and help yourself to an extended portion of High Femme to affirm to yourself that you are not alone in this world. And then maybe go to a music festival or Colorado or your local dispensary. There were always people hanging out at the dispensary when I went to buy stuff and I was like, so, this is a thing.

Yesterday I got cat-called on the street which usually never happens and instead of making me feel ragey it actually made me really happy but now I feel ashamed that my self-esteem can be boosted so easily by gross men. This isn’t a question as much as a hope that someone can explain my feelings to me.
When I was 14 I went on a school trip to a different country where catcalling is even more common than it is here and to be honest it filled me with unspeakable joy. I’d never gotten attention like that before from men and I felt like I’d won some kind of game. I remember a summer when I was 17, visiting a friend in New York, where I wore skirts and you know, those ’90s platform sandals, and I got cat-called like crazy and I LOVED IT. I loved it! I felt sexy and powerful and cool. Fast-forward ten years and I actually stopped wearing skirts or tight pants altogether if I had to walk anywhere (if I had to dress up for something, I’d take a cab), then cut off my hair to try and pass as male, and then at one point stopped leaving my apartment altogether to avoid the harassment. Even now, I feel like my #1 fashion goal when I have to walk by men in any capacity is “please don’t look at me.” Which is just to say: I think it’s not entirely unusual for people to feel boosted by catcalls from gross men, and even world’s most violently anti-catcall crusader (me) did, at one time, feel empowered by getting catcalled. We’re only human.

What happens if your best friend doesn’t want to be friends anymore? How can we fix it?
Have you considered making her a tumblr called “[best friend] I love you”? That’s what worked for me when Laneia didn’t want to be my friend anymore.

How do I win back a friend if I don’t know whats wrong?
Heather says: If you don’t know what’s wrong, I’m guessing you didn’t have a big BFF breakup, right? Has anything major changed in either of your lives lately? New job, new romantic relationship, moving to a different place? If so, you might be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of lifelong best friendships. Sometimes you come together, sometimes you drift apart (but then always come back together). If not, is your friend going through a thing that might be making her more aloof? Home stresses, work stresses, love stresses? Or maybe is your friend a natural introvert who needs to be pulled out of her reclusive hobbit hole where she spends all her time eating and reading and singing songs about second breakfast? (Or is that just me?) What I think you should do is just straight up ask her what’s the deal. Kindly and gently. Like, “Hey, I miss you. Did I do something to alienate you, because if I did, I want to apologize and make it right so you can be in my life again on account of I miss you.” Be honest and take it from there!

I Need Help: This girl I flirt with at work was supposed to save me the last mac n cheese ball but she sold it to someone else, so I told her I was heartbroken and she texted later that she’d make it up to me and also used a winky face. Does she mean she’ll make me more mac n cheese balls or is this about sex? because honestly i can’t decide which sounds better right now
Rachel says: It sounds like you’re gonna be a winner either way

HELLO AUTOSTRADDLE I have recently procured an A+ membership and I just wanted to say that this website makes my Internet usage approximately 500% better, you all do fantastic work, and I have so much love for all of you. Wishing you all the best.

MISC

I’ve just been reading the contact box answers and also wanted to say thanks for sending the sticker! I live in Lithuania and at first I was super surprised to get mail from California. :D Thank you.
Awww! You’re so welcome, my good friend. I hope that the next time you decide to have a budget lunch of peanut butter and jelly that there is a really good raspberry jam in your refrigerator!

Carmen! Did you see that Drake actually sent Charlemagne those bottles?
Laneia says: Guys, Carmen’s driving across the country right now, so unfortunately she wasn’t available for comment, but I’m betting she’ll see this post and leave her official statement below. That’s my bet.

I’ve loved the gal-pal interviews so much, I hope they continue past this week!!
Laneia says: UGH I’M SO GLAD Y’ALL LIKED GAL PAL WEEK AS MUCH AS I DID! What if we turned Gal Pal Week into a recurring situation, where we unveil a new Gal Pal merch item and publish a series of GP interviews that are actually game shows and cover really important topics like “What’s your GP’s favorite breakfast item? How do you know this?” and “Which Cards Against Humanity card will you GP always remove from the deck before playing?” etc? Think about it. I don’t know I’m open to suggestions.

it was a pretty bland, liberal piece on the subject…but hey hey, look at mey rude getting all interviewed by Vice!! ;D
Okay now EVERYBODY LOOK!

Okay so this is a quibble/ question – is there any particular reason you mention if content is related to other countries than the US, but just say “here”, or “in this country”, or don’t even mention if you’re only considering the US. This is especially frustrating when you’re covering statistics (e.g. 35 per cent of these people…, 4,000 of these people this year…), & every time I’m thinking “Where? In the world? In N.America? Oh, it must be in the US, since you didn’t say.” I get that you’re a US website, but you do have a fair amount of readers in other countries, and most of all, I feel as though it perpetuates the idea that the US is the default “real” place (like when many writers elsewhere only describe if someone is trans*, or non-white etc.). This has been frustrating me for a while…
You know this is a really good point, thank you for pointing it out. We probably aren’t as conscious of that as we ought to be. It’s probably just a result of almost our entire staff being US-based, but I’ll pay better attention to this.

Are any of y’all on Goodreads? I’m trying to build up a network of readers I trust for literary guidance, so if any of you [autostraddle writers] want to be followed, please make yourselves known!
Yes! Here’s some:

• Riese
• Carolyn
• Laura
• Anna
• Ali
• Carrie
• Raquel

You guys, this is so cool! A massive digitization project of LGBTQ oral histories! As an oral historian, I am biased to think this is important, but really taking this valuable history and making sure it’s not hidden in some archive that only researchers have access to, but actually accessible to anyone with the Internet is the best thing you can do with oral history. -Kate
This is really cool and really important. This is what one might call “a community dream come true.” Thanks for telling us about it!

Yesterday I read the buzzfeed article Brittani was part of about bad lesbian films (specifically the film with Rory Gilmore) and then a few hours later I saw la Belle Saison and it was just like YES THIS IS IT! Fun, sweet, sexy, sad. Also, I’ve had a huge crush on Cecile de France since she played the lesbian roomie in The Spanish Apartment so maybe I’m not 100% objective, but I think it’s a must-see. Also, I would like someone to tell me how to have de France’s character’s wardrobe without spending very much money. Happy Sunday!
Heather says: Like you, we wish Brittani was in every movie, and especially that she played the lead in this one because my goodness what a snoozefest. I have not seen la Belle Saison, but I did enjoy many delicious saison beers this summer. Do you like sour beers? Grimm brewery is a thing you should try. ANYWAY, I will indeed watch that movie now, after which I will be better able to answer your question about the wardrobe. (i.e. send screenshots to Lydia so she can tell me the answer to your question.)

WE LOVE MADDIE WE LOVE MADDIE WE LOVE MADDIE
WE DO TOO WE DO TOO WE DO TOO WE DO TOO

Ooooooo I found that box where you write the things!!!
Laneia says: Bless your beating heart!

YO AUTOSTRADDLE you can download a free pdf copy of Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues 
YO THANKS. You know what’s funny is since I got here my Mom has informed me no less than three times that she has a copy of Stone Butch Blues on that shelf over there. WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO TELL ME.

Just have to say that I’m going back through the “mental health” tag looking for resources for a friend and am being blown away by the range of important topics that Autostraddle has covered. There’s so much that I have missed/forgotten about and I can’t wait to dive into it. Thank you for being so amazing!
Thank you! This comes at a funny time ’cause last weekend I started putting together a post that sort of gives an overview of our best mental health related posts and when I finish it I hope everybody will love us as much as you do! I think people don’t realize that the archive is filled with gems, much like a vagina.

I’m so happy Yvonne wrote about tacos.
Me too, reader. Me too.

Today was one of the rare occasions when I came across a mean and borderline bullying commentator on AS. Normally I would shrink away quietly. But today I summoned up all of my Gryffindor strength and stood up for my opinions. I think I was able to do that because: 1) AS is my safe space, and I will not abide by someone coming in and stomping on it. 2) The comment thread in question started because someone was unfairly targeting some of my all time favorite AS writers (Hi Heather! Hi Riese!) and 3) The Autostraddle team is always so supportive and open, I metaphorically feel you all having my back. It gives me the strength to be brave– even if only on the internet. So, thanks for being awesome. It’s the end of summer! Enjoy a sunset this week!
THE SUNSETS IN MICHIGAN THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!

i just ate a lot of macaroni and I love you

STORY IDEAS:

what if I die before hearing about laneia’s wedding? what then? I almost fell off a ladder and broke my neck today so better hurry wait is mercury in retrograde because now that I think about it I have made several terrible decisions lately that have lead to near fatal outcomes so anyway I’d like to know how the moss looked before I die is all I came here to say
listen, I was AT laneia’s wedding and I sometimes feel like I might die before hearing about Laneia’s wedding. She’s having some kind of hangup about the quality of the photography, which apparently has only magnified itself since her trip to Carolyn and Shannon’s wedding. I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know what happens. I think we all get married, have children, watch them get married, and then send our grandchildren to Laneia’s farm in Tennessee and have them beg her for wedding pictures.

Just saw a discussion of the “queer girl city guides”, and I just wanna say that I LOVE them–in the past year or so, I’ve traveled to Chicago, Atlanta, and Washington D.C. and fount the QGCG to be extremely helpful! Also my girl and I went to Phase 1 in D.C. and had an awesome time — got drunk, hung out with the bartenders and about 10 other ladies while hate-watching Twilight and mutually enjoying Kristen Stewart’s face — but it’d be awesome if these could be updated. QGCG have always been helpful to me while traveling and spurred me to go to some great places and support some great queer girl businesses but a lot of stuff has moved or closed, as well, and so they aren’t 100% accurate anymore. Also, can we add queer-friendly sex toy stores to QGCG? Went to Secret Pleasures in DC and it was AWESOME coming from a couple who has no queer- or women-friendly sex shops locally.
You definitely do not have to sell me on this idea, I am 100% on board that those things need to be updated! Yup. Yup yup yup. I would love for this to happen. Very little I would like more in the world than for this to take place! I will say that in 2013, we were talking with a company who wanted to make them into an app, and Laneia tried to get updates and permissions from all the city guide authors and received minimal response and it took SO much time. I’m not sure where to go from here, though. I’d like them to be done but I don’t know who has the time.

laneia has the thermos vacuum insulated hydration bottle so i bought the thermos vacuum insulated hydration bottle. i used the affiliate linkkkkk. i would buy so much stuff if every month you guys made a “what to buy on amazon” list…like you when you make the gift guides? but just for random things you can buy on amazon. like how on youtube people do their monthly favorites, AS monthly favorites is a thing i would thoroughly enjoy. i am very impressionable and i often need things to fill my cart for free shipping just saying.
Laneia says: That Thermos vacuum insulated hydration bottle is SO RAD, right?? Like it really does keep ice icy for hours, and it hold so much! How does it hold so much? It’s like Mary Poppins’ bag, but in bottle form. Anyway I’m very glad that you bought one and that you used our affiliate link! Thank you! Let me think about how we could do a monthly list, because that’s a super cute and easy idea.

Really Lovely Ideas We Wish We Had A Time-Turner To Properly Accomplish

+ So, I just signed up for the feminist sticker club, and realized that getting mail from autostraddle would be an awesome a+ perk. Seriously, I would eat that shit up. I would pay extra for it. There’s a hole in my heart left over from the era of pen-pals and gelly-roll pens.

+ Dear Data look amazing. Can autostraddle do a version of that, please? Maybe with a few of the staff members every month (or even just once)? Maybe with a crowd-sourced thing that readers send in? This is so cool!

+ In a few months it would be cool to see data on the quantity/rate at which you receive messages in this box in relation to the publication date of the answers post. Does that make sense? Like I’m wondering if you get a huge percentage of the inquiries in the first few days after the previous month’s post goes up because everyone’s excited about “questions!answers!” or if there’s a more constant flow over the course of the month.

A haiku in honour of gal pal week. (better late than never haha):
“Hey! Are we “gal pals” ?
Miscommunication, yo
Feelings everywhere

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!